Breakdown – Part 1

Andy finds out Meredith has COVID

Andy was sitting at the table in the beanery, holding a cup of coffee, when Ben came in talking to someone on the phone.

"Yeah, I just miss you." Andy looked at Ben, knowing he was talking about Miranda and gave him a sad smile. There was a pause and with Ben's next words, her heart stopped. "How's Meredith doing?

"Meredith? What happened to Meredith?" Andy asked, standing up from the table, and walking closer to Ben, not caring that she interrupted their phone call.

"Um, Miranda, Andy's here and she wants to know what's happening with Meredith," Ben told her, putting the phone down on the counter and putting it on speaker.

"Bailey, what's going on?" Andy's panic was clear to Miranda, even over the phone.

"Uh… Andy, she…" Miranda stuttered, not knowing how to give this news to Andy over the phone.

"She what? Come on, one of you please tell me what's going on." Andy asked, her worry growing.

It was silent between the three of them for what seemed like forever when Ben cleared his throat and Andy looked at him.

"She has Covid, Andy," Ben told her, and Andy felt her heart drop. She dropped onto one of the stools at the kitchen island and just looked down.

"How bad is it?" Andy asked, trying to hold herself together. "Is she awake? Is she on a vent?" Andy asked, looking at Ben.

"It isn't good, Andy," Miranda admitted, and Andy's frown deepened. "She isn't on a vent but we're getting to the point where it's seeming more and more likely." Andy looked at the phone, not knowing what to say.

Andy stood up a minute later, not saying anything and walked out of the beanery. She walked through the lounge and into her bunk room. She sat down on the bed and stayed like that. She just continued to sit on the bed, looking forward, ignoring her phone that was lighting up.

I cannot handle any more loss, and that sounds selfish, but I'm feeling selfish.

You know, I-I put up a strong front, Robert, but I feel brittle. I feel like a strong wind could break me.

Andy was thinking about that conversation she had with Robert on inspection day. She had lost Ryan. She had lost her father. She had found out her mother was alive. And now, one of her closest friends was close to being put on a vent. Andy felt her eyes tear up. She moved back and leaned against the wall.

I can't lose anyone else.

That thought is what caused her the first tear to fall. She remembered the first time she met Meredith in the breezeway at Grey-Sloan.

"No, Kepner, you and Grey, you need to meet the other rig. His younger brother got thrown by the blast. He was bleeding out from the abdomen, and, well, one of our team, she just shoved her hand in there." Ben told them. Meredith and April looked at each other, a knowing look and then rushed over to the ambulance.

"Uh, 10-year-old make with a penetrating…" Before Andy could continue an intern cut her off.

"Why is your hand inside him?"

"Because he was bleeding a lot."

"Take it out of him!"

"You look 12. Can you find a grown-up to tell me that?" Andy asked, not willing to move until she was told to by a surgeon.

"Do not move your hand!" Meredith said.

"Don't let go!" April added.

"See that? Grown-ups."

"Nobody move," Meredith said, climbing into the aid car. "Can you feel a pulse?"

"Yeah," Andy answered, turning to look at her.

"What do you think she's got in her hand, Schmitt?"

"His abdominal aorta?"

"Yep."

"Don't take your hand out!" Schmitt said and Andy rolled her eyes, having already known that.

"What's your name?" April asked.

"Herrera. Andy Herrera."

"Okay, Herrera, we got to get him up to the OR. I'm sure you're very clear about this, but you cannot move your hand." Meredith told her, looking her in the eye.

"Can you hold pressure while we bring the gurney down?" April asked.

"My hand, arm and shoulder are already numb but I'm going with yes."

That whole day was insane. From having her hand in a kid's stomach to being in the operating room was an insane experience. The second time she had met her was the moment they really connected. Meredith had seen that Andy was struggling and was on the verge of a breakdown but was willing to help when she brought her to a closet to let her cry it out before going to face her team.

"Okay, that's enough. Put your game face on. We got your dad and now you go be brave for them. Okay?" Meredith said.

Andy let another tear fall. Meredith was there for her and gave her what she needed when she didn't even know she needed it.

The next memory Andy thought of was when they had brought a woman and her son into the hospital and Andy was still in the hospital when Meredith came in talking about a date that had gone well but turned bad when he said that he found single mothers desperate and that he hates kids. Andy watched Amelia walk away and then tried to find a bright side in what went wrong.

"For what it's worth, it, it sounds like a great date. I mean, if he hadn't said that thing, you might have given it a go, and then he would have probably tried to hide his feelings and the truth might not come out for months or years. So, I mean, you found out there are good men out there, and you dodged a very slow-moving bullet. I'd call that a good use of your time." Andy told her.

"Thanks, Herrera."

From that moment on Meredith and Andy had been texting each other more often and going for drinks a couple of times a month, they both wished it had been more but with their busy schedules, it wasn't always easy finding time to go out.

Andy swallowed back a sob that was threatening to come out when she remembered the last time they talked. When she was in the hospital the day Robert was getting his surgery. Andy was spinning out. Between Robert coming clean to the fire commission to try to get Dixon fired – which failed – to trying to figure out something that was hidden in her family's history. Andy had been walking through the halls of the hospital, flashbacks playing in her mind when she had run into Meredith.

"Oh, my goodness! Herrera!" Meredith chuckled, grabbing Andy to stabilize her when she noticed the tears in Andy's eyes. "Oh. Are you okay?" Meredith asked, concerned.

"I'm…I'm. My husband's in surgery"

Meredith looked surprised. "I can get an update for you."

"My dad died. He just died." Andy blurted out.

"I had heard that. I'm…I'm so sorry. I know the two of you were close."

"I thought we were. Nothing makes sense anymore. And, you know, every…everyone thinks it's the grief talking, and maybe it is, but I…I can't shake the feeling that something really awful happened."

"With your dad?"

"With my mom." Andy leaned forward. "Oh, God, I'm sorry. You don't even know me that well." Andy said, not wanting to burden Meredith with her problems even though they had become friends. She just didn't want to unload all of her problems onto a friendship that was beginning to get stronger.

"No, No. Listen, it's okay. I…I have plenty of stuff in my own life. I could use a break. You can talk." Meredith told her.

"I thought my parents were happy. But I…I keep getting these flashes of them fighting, screaming, my mom crying." Andy inhaled sharply. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Andy said, voice breaking, tears starting to form in her eyes again.

"It's okay." Meredith tried to comfort her.

"I just… You know, the one favourite memory I have of my mother, the one I-I've kept with me all these years, was our last fun day together, and I-I've always held on to that as an example of how much she loved me, how much I lost. But now, now I think maybe she knew it was our last day together." Andy paused. "And now I think maybe she killed herself." Andy ran her hands through her hair.

"Oh, no." Was all Meredith was able to say.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Andy leaned against the wall for a second before Meredith pulled her into a hug, letting Andy cry.

"It's okay"

When Andy had calmed down and pulled away Meredith had taken her to the plant room so that Andy could keep calm and talk out her feelings. Meredith could tell that she'd been holding all her thoughts in and she needed to get them out.

"My mom died when I was 9, and it's always been just me and my dad. But I started to remember we had this big extended family. And…And when my mom died, everyone just disappeared, like we were lepers. And I didn't…I didn't even remember them. I didn't think about them. I…It's like I blocked them out or something until my dad died. And, you know, I started going through his stuff, and then I talked to my dad's friend, and he was cagey and," Andy sighed, she wasn't used to talking about her problems like this. "I don't…I'm probably just being paranoid."

"Or you're just remembering stuff you tried very hard to forget" Meredith saw Andy tilt her head, looking a little confused so she decided to explain more. "The brain is an amazing machine, If there's an event or a loss that's too traumatic, it has a way of walling itself off so you can survive the trauma. And then here come the memories. They come back in fragments and little puzzle pieces that you have to put together. And when that happened, that hurts. And I'm not just talking about just emotionally. The body remembers the event. The brain remembers the trauma. And that…that's a whole-body ache." Meredith explained.

"Thank you. Thank you for…" Andy sighed. "The people who love me keep telling me I sound crazy."

"Oh, Herrera, you know what? For what it's worth, you don't sound crazy. Sometimes a breakthrough can look an awful lot like a breakdown."

Andy's tears began to fall faster. Meredith was the only one who listened to her, let her talk, and tried to work out what she was feeling without judging her and telling her how she should or shouldn't be grieving.

Andy grabbed her phone and selected Maggie Pierce's number. She listened to it ring a few times before Maggie answered.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Andy asked, not letting Maggie get a word in.

"Andy…"

"No, Maggie. Why didn't anyone tell me? You know…you know that we've been close friends for months now!" Andy said, standing up and pacing in the small room.

"Andy, it's been chaos around here. I'm sorry."

"Is she on a vent?" Andy asked, deflating.

There was a pause and a sigh. "As of 15 minutes ago, yes, she is now on a vent," Maggie said, and Andy whimpered. Falling onto the bunk bed, legs feeling like jelly. "I'm sorry, Andy."

"Maggie, I know what you'll say but can I please," Andy started but Maggie cut her off.

"You can't come, Andy. I'm sorry." Maggie told Andy and Andy let a sob out. "Andy, I'm so sorry. I'll keep you updated from now on, okay?"

"Okay," Andy said, hung up and then broke down into sobs.

Robert and the rest of the 19 walks into the beanery after getting back from the call they were on. Robert looked at the table and frowned.

"Where's Herrera?" Robert asked Ben.

"Uh…I"

"Warren? What is it?" Robert asked, a pit forming in his stomach.

"I was talking to Miranda earlier and I asked how Meredith Grey, a doctor at Grey-Sloan was and Andy overheard, and she asked what happened." Ben paused. "Miranda and I told her that she has Covid and is in serious condition."

"How serious?" Maya asked, looking concerned, knowing how Meredith and Andy had been growing closer over the past couple of years.

"She was put on a vent 20 minutes ago," Ben said, and everyone stood still. "She's in her bunk, Sullivan," Ben told Robert and he rushed out of the beanery to go to his wife.

I feel brittle. I feel like a strong wind could break me.

Robert remembered his wife's words from two weeks ago. He remembered how small his wife looked, how worried and stressed she was. He wasn't sure what he would be walking into, but he knew this was most likely her breaking point.