Uncommonly Intelligent Chapter 22: Caroline and the Colonel, a pride and prejudice fanfic

Author's Note:

This chapter: Because I write so slowly, it may have been a long time since you read chapter 8. If so, I want to remind you that in this variation, Darcy and Bingley lost touch after Darcy left Cambridge, and were only recently reacquainted. Prior to coming to Netherfield, Caroline and the Hursts had met Darcy but once (and very briefly), and had never met Georgiana or Col. Fitzwilliam.

Non-English speakers: I am thrilled to have readers from around the world, but I am afraid that if you read this story through a translator, Col. Fitzwilliam's jokes will be incomprehensible, since they often depend on English puns, idioms, and wordplay that will not translate well. Don't worry, because his jokes aren't that funny. All you need to know is that he likes to tell bad jokes, and his close friends and family are used to it.

Chapter 22 - Caroline and the Colonel

Longbourn, Hertfordshire, October 9-17, 1811

The breakfast table was sparsely populated the day after Mrs. Bennet's conference with Lizzy and Mr. Bennet. Fanny, her mind in turmoil at all the revelations of that evening, had not been able to fall asleep until well after midnight, and even then had slept fitfully. She did not appear downstairs before noon, but when she did, everyone noticed a change in her. She seemed much more thoughtful, and often had to be spoken to twice to get her attention.

Jane, too, was absent that day. The well-meaning visit of Messrs. Darcy and Bingley during Elizabeth's lesson with her sisters in Meryton had an unfortunate outcome. Without Lizzy's moderating influence, and with Mrs. Bennet's encouragement, Jane had walked in the cold morning air of the garden with Bingley and Mary for longer than she should have, and she suffered a mild relapse. Though her discomfort was not nearly as serious as it had been at Netherfield, it returned her to her bed for a day, and kept her indoors for some days after that.

On Friday, Colonel Forster called on Mr. Bennet, and after a genial hour in his study, was invited to stay for dinner. Lizzy made sure to use the dinner conversation to commiserate with him about the shamefully low salary the militia was paid, and Forster unwittingly played his part perfectly, agreeing that it was a crime that most of the men were paid only 18 pounds per year, and even most officers below 100.

"Plays the devil with our recruiting, I can tell you," he went on. "Even now, Captain Carter is back in Town trying to fill our quota for officers."

Lizzy could have kissed him, for she could see that her mother and youngest sisters were affected by this confirmation - from an unimpeachable authority - that they would not find rich husbands in the militia.

The next day, Mr. Bingley called again, but alone. Lizzy politely asked after Mr. Darcy, and Bingley said that he was indisposed, but Lizzy detected some uneasiness in Bingley's manner. She wondered whether Darcy was avoiding her so as not to raise her expectations, and she was unsure how she should feel if he were. She enjoyed his company, and could not deny that he was handsome, but she was wary of how her life would change if she were to marry such a man. The very fact that Darcy was at Netherfield, showed that he had a competent staff who could run his estate efficiently without the need of a master or mistress in residence, and who might not welcome a stranger's interference. Lizzy loved running Longbourn, and she could not imagine herself in a country estate with nothing better to do than gossip with her neighbors, as her mother and Lady Lucas did. Nor could she picture herself happy living in Town, sipping tea with the ladies of the ton, even if they were not overtly hostile to an up-jumped country miss. No, she wanted to manage an estate, not just plan its menus. Failing that, she would enjoy working with her uncle Gardiner, who had said many times that he would give her all the responsibility and authority she wished in his now worldwide enterprise, any time she wished it. But a man like Darcy would never allow his wife to sully her hands with trade.

Still, she should like to be friends with him, and she felt a hollowness at the idea that he might not wish the same. Yet it seemed that he did not, for the next time Mr. Bingley called, he again was unaccompanied. He did, however, impart the news that Darcy's sister and cousin would be arriving at Netherfield in a few days, and that Darcy wished to introduce them to the Bennets. This relieved Lizzy's mind somewhat, and she thought perhaps Darcy's extended absence was because he was occupied with preparing for his sister's arrival. She resolved to at least exchange greetings with him at church on Sunday.

Sunday dawned unseasonably cold, and even Mrs. Bennet agreed that Jane should not leave the house. Lizzy offered to stay with her, but Jane laughed and said that she could certainly survive the two hours the rest of the family would be attending services.

After the service, Lizzy saw Mr. Darcy with the Netherfield party outside the church, and their eyes met. She was about to make her way over to them, but she was diverted when Esmeralda, the Portuguese maid she had met during her stay at Netherfield, rushed up to her, pulling with her a handsome young man with dark eyes whom she introduced as her brother Paulo, now the newest groom in the Netherfield stables. Lizzy was delighted to meet him, and she had already received a message via Mrs. Nicholls from Mr. Murdock, Netherfield's head groom, expressing his gratitude to Lizzy for suggesting that he hire Paulo, for the boy was a superb handler of horses. Paulo was effusive in his gratitude for Lizzy's part in finding him a position that reunited him with his sister. Lizzy could see from his sharp cheekbones that he had been living on thin rations for some time, and she was very pleased that things had worked out for the young siblings. By unspoken agreement, the three walked a bit away from the thick of the crowd so that they might converse in Portuguese without inhibition, and by the time they had said their goodbyes, Darcy and his friends had departed.

Lizzy would have been amazed to learn that Darcy was ten times as eager to see her as she was him, but he was forcing himself not to.

Darcy had agonized over what Mr. Bennet had said to him about Elizabeth. He was chagrined that his admiration for her had been so noticeable that her father could see it.

That Bennet fellow must be some kind of sorcerer, he thought. Not only had he seen Darcy's interest in Miss Elizabeth in the very few minutes all three had been in the same room, but he had pinpointed the one deficiency in Miss Elizabeth that made it impossible for Darcy to pursue her.

Had he been free to choose, he would have gladly spent his days with Elizabeth, very likely resulting in a courtship. Her wit and intelligence rivaled anyone he had met before. He would like to think that it just seemed so because she happened to have a scholar for a father who had indoctrinated her with Greek and the like, and that anyone with such an upbringing could do the same. But it didn't explain how she had effortlessly trounced him at chess, and his discussion with Bennet had proved that it was not a fluke.

As if he needed any more proof that she had intrigued him beyond any woman of his previous acquaintance, there were his dreams. Never mind her intellect, her face and figure intruded in his thoughts day and night, sometimes even to the point of personal embarrassment.

But he could not marry her - at least, not now, and probably not for some years.

It was nobody's fault. Under normal circumstances, he would not hesitate to spend more time with her, for he had answers to almost all the usual objections. Her family was not notable, but they were gentry. Her dowry was rumored to be meager, but he didn't need a large dowry - and he strongly suspected that Bennet had more wealth than he cared to advertise. Her connections were non-existent, but he had all the social connections he desired, and was not particularly interested in forming political alliances.

But there was one glaring deficiency in Elizabeth that he could not ignore, and her father had unerringly pointed it out - she was innocent of the ways of the ton.

He did not doubt for a second that she could make mincemeat of anyone who tried to slight her. The way she had handled Caroline Bingley proved that. Indeed, the way she had handled his own rudeness at the Meryton assembly had proved it. He did not doubt that her courage and wit would protect her from the attacks that were sure to come from the young ladies (and their mothers) who had hoped for Darcy's attention, not to mention the hidebound aristocrats who would disdain any unconnected country girl who married up into the first circles.

Elizabeth would sail through them, and it might be fun to watch. But what of Georgiana?

She did not have Elizabeth's courage and self-confidence - quite the opposite. Her confidence had been shattered at Ramsgate, and nearly four months later, she was still a puddle of insecurity. Darcy's wife must be able to guide her through the intrigues of the ton with finesse and subtlety, using a rapier rather than a broadsword. Attacks that Elizabeth would ignore or laugh at would devastate Georgiana. He needed a wife who had the connections and knowledge of the ton to be able to know whom to avoid, whom to cultivate, and how to protect Georgiana with deflection and misdirection, rather than counterattack.

Once his sister was safely married, the ton could go to the devil - he would happily stay at Pemberley the rest of his days, and he believed that Elizabeth would not be averse to joining him there, for Pemberley in particular and the Peaks in general had trails and scenery enough to take a lifetime to explore. But Georgiana was not even out, and from the looks of things, it might be years before she could think of making her debut in society. He could hardly ask Elizabeth to wait years for him to begin a formal courtship.

No, he must not raise expectations. It would simply not be fair to Elizabeth. He would avoid her until Georgiana arrived, hope that they formed a friendship, and then be in Elizabeth's company only as her friend's older brother.

Darcy would die for Gigi; he could certainly stifle his attraction to Elizabeth for her.

This was easy enough to say while he was three miles away from her at Netherfield, but his resolve wavered when he saw her at church that Sunday. She was even more beautiful than he remembered, and given the dream he had had the previous night, that was saying something. He was about to go over to her - just to be polite, of course - but he saw a dark-haired couple rush up to her, and then the three of them walked some distance away, obviously desiring privacy. At that moment, Louisa Hurst, who had been discreetly observing Darcy, told Bingley that she felt a headache coming on and wished to leave immediately, and Darcy reluctantly boarded the carriage with them.

The next day, Mr. Bennet announced that there would be a family conference after dinner. That was such a rarity that everyone but Lizzy was all anticipation, for the last such conference had been many months ago. Lizzy knew what he was going to say, for as usual, they had already discussed it. During that pre-conference, Bennet had joked that he had warned Lizzy that once he knew their wealth, he would be eager to spend it, but Lizzy was wholeheartedly behind the plan, for the safety of her sisters was at stake.

Still suffused in the warm glow of knowing that his family was provided for, Bennet began. "Well, well," he said, "things are certainly changing rapidly in our sleepy little village. Netherfield is let, the militia is arriving, my cousin and heir presumptive is to visit, and most wondrous of all, it seems I have barely turned around, and suddenly my little baby girls are all grown up." He swallowed and then blinked rapidly for a moment before continuing.

"Yes, change has come, and more is coming, and it cannot be prevented. We must change along with the times."

He had their complete attention.

"First, the matter of personal safety. With the militia here, we will no longer know everyone in the area, and though they may look very fine in their red coats, in any lot of men that large, there are bound to be some scoundrels," he said, echoing the sentiments Lizzy had expressed to her mother a few days earlier. "It will no longer be safe for a woman to walk alone, let alone women as beautiful as any of you." He deliberately looked at Fanny as he said this, and she blushed.

"I dare say even a prosperous-looking gentleman is in danger of being robbed if caught alone this winter. Accordingly, we are instituting some changes with immediate effect.

"Henceforth, no one is to walk alone out of sight of the house." Everyone looked at Lizzy, but she only nodded.

"If you must go somewhere alone," he continued, "you will ride on a fast horse, and will dismount only when surrounded either by friends you trust implicitly, or by open fields at least a furlong from any concealment." So, everyone thought, Lizzy has a loophole. But not even Mrs. Bennet could begrudge Lizzy's penchant for rambling around the countryside when she did so much for them.

"To reduce the necessity of this," Bennet went on, "and since Netherfield now has a resident master, I have transferred the responsibility for Netherfield's tenants back to Netherfield. In truth, we should never have had it at all, but it was the least we could do to show our gratitude for the many kindnesses of Lady Rutherford over the years.

"Lizzy tells me that Netherfield now has a surfeit of maids to prepare the baskets, and of footmen to deliver them, so all will be well. I have spoken to Mr. Bingley on the importance of beginning as he means to go on, and he readily agreed to take over from us immediately.

"As for Longbourn itself, Lizzy tells me that Kitty and Lydia are ready to assume more responsibility for tenant care." The youngest Bennets looked wary at this, but were soon relieved when their father continued, "That is well, for my order that at least two of you are in company at all times when out of sight of the house applies when visiting Longbourn's tenants. Naturally, your pin money will be raised in recognition of your increased contribution to the good of the estate. All of you shall now receive 20 pounds per annum."

This was a five-pound raise for his three eldest daughters, and a ten-pound raise for Kitty and Lydia, who practically bounced as they grinned at each other, while Lizzy grinned to herself. The amount had been specifically chosen to exceed the salary of militia privates, to give her young sisters a constant reminder of the unsuitability of the soldiers.

"Furthermore, even in pairs, I do not want you on foot when visiting some of the further cottages, though they be on Longbourn property. You must ride, and I have decided that Buttercup, though still willing, is not fleet enough for this task."

He paused, quite sure that Lydia would not be able to remain quiet, and in this he was not disappointed. "But papa," she said, "are we to ride double on Loki?"

"Oh, did I forget to mention it?" asked Mr. Bennet in mock confusion. It was easy to see where Lizzy had learned to tease.

"There is a horse fair at St. Albans this week. We shall all go thither tomorrow, along with Mr. Bailey,* and find some new horses for you." Seeing his youngest daughters' eyes go wide, he held up a hand and added, "No, no, it is useless to protest, for I will not be moved. Jane, Mary, Kitty, and Lydia will each pick out a new horse tomorrow, and that is an end to it."

Though he did his best to make his expression stern while he said this, he could not keep from smiling when Kitty and Lydia squealed with delight, and even Jane and Mary smiled widely.

Mrs. Bennet, also thrilled with the idea of a day shopping in St. Albans and Lydia getting a new horse, caught the look of satisfaction exchanged between Lizzy and her father. She continued to gaze at Lizzy thoughtfully.

When the conference broke up, and Kitty and Lydia had stopped bouncing off the walls, Mrs. Bennet approached Lizzy and said, "Stay a moment, Lizzy."

"What is it, mama?"

Mrs. Bennet gestured at the couch, and Lizzy sat. To her surprise, rather than sitting across from her in her usual chair, her mother sat beside her and said, "Horses are expensive, are they not?"

Puzzled at this, Lizzy answered carefully, "Buying your first horse is a rather major undertaking, for you must also figure in the costs of a stable and groom if you do not already have one. But additional horses are easier on the budget. I consulted Mr. Bailey, and he is confident that our stable is adequate to house the horses, and that he and Freddie will be able to look after them - especially since they are sure to have constant attention from my sisters, now that each will have a favorite horse. Since we grow our own hay, straw, and grass, they will not cost nearly so much to feed as a horse in town, and we shall begin planting oats for a nurse crop as well. So after their purchase, I believe the four new horses will cost no more than 100 pounds a year to keep. That is a small price to pay for my sisters' safety, and we really did do very well on the crop sales this year."

Mrs. Bennet was not as dull as many people thought. "I noticed you did not include the purchase price," she said.

Lizzy smiled. "Actually, mama, papa and I consider it an investment. We are still trying to find ways to increase Longbourn's income without tying it to the estate for Mr. Collins to inherit. Buying riding horses, rather than work horses, means that they are personal property, not estate assets. And do you not agree that Kitty and Lydia will want very spirited horses, while Mary and Jane will want mounts that are more sedate?"

Mrs. Bennet nodded, not fully confident she understood Lizzy's point, but the past week had shown her that unlike her husband, Lizzy had the patience to explain things until they were clear.

Lizzy smiled again and said, "Then what we plan to do is buy stallions for Kitty and Lydia, and mares for Jane and Mary. It may take a few years, but eventually we should make more money from selling horses than we spent buying them. And it will give Kitty and Lydia a healthy outlet for their exuberance, while keeping them safer at the same time."

Not only did Mrs. Bennet now understand the scheme, but she had also found out what she had really wanted to know, namely the extent of Lizzy's involvement in the decision. As she had suspected, it was a very great deal. She took Lizzy's hand.

"Lizzy, you are quite sure that there is nothing that would prevent Collins from evicting your sisters and me, even if he married you?"

Lizzy could not guess what had occasioned this non sequitur, but she answered, "Nothing but his conscience, mama." She added with a smile, "And my nagging, of course. But if you are uncertain, you should ask your brother Phillips for confirmation."

Her mother shook her head. "No, I trust you, Lizzy." She took a deep breath, and said, "You may cancel your pageant for Mr. Collins, Lizzy. I have been thinking about what you said, and I now see that losing Longbourn would not be the end of the world. Should Mr. Collins wish to marry you, or one of your sisters, well and good, but it will be her decision whether to accept his proposal." She smiled wryly. "I shall be glad to offer my opinion, never fear, but I shall not insist she do anything against her will."

Lizzy smiled back at her. "Thank you, mama. And if you please, let me know when you next intend to visit my aunt Alice. There is a lot I want to show you quite near to her house, that I think might be suitable for a very nice cottage, should the need arise."

Netherfield Park, Hertfordshire, October 17, 1811

Caroline Bingley knew her brother well, but not perfectly. Although she had underestimated how long he would stay angry at her, she had been correct that it could not be for very long. She had instructed her sister to drop frequent comments about how much she missed Caroline, and how much more smoothly the house had run with Caroline there - and it was true, for Louisa was perfectly content to be lax in the duties that had devolved to her upon Caroline's exit, since she had no one she cared to impress.

Louisa also played upon her brother's guilt, for she had been present when their father, in one of his last utterances, had solemnly charged Charles with taking care of his sisters until they were married - and beyond, if necessary. She reminded him, albeit inaccurately, that Caroline had been perfectly pleasant until Miss Elizabeth had not only come to Netherfield uninvited, but had actually entered the house and suborned the servants before notifying the master or mistress of her presence, and that with the Bennet sisters back at Longbourn, that provocation had been removed. Finally, at her most manipulative, she played the trump that Charles was quite helpless against, implying that the time of month had been a large factor in Caroline's loss of decorum.

When Caroline wrote her brother a most contrite letter, full of apologies and promises, Charles went to Darcy and asked whether he would object if he relented and allowed Caroline to return.

Darcy took a moment to answer. He did not like Caroline, who typified the worst tendencies of the social climbers so prevalent in the ton. They evaluated people as objects who could or could not be of use to them, and fawned over the former while disparaging the latter. But he could not avoid them all without becoming a recluse, and he certainly could not maintain his friendship with Bingley while refusing to allow his sister to be in the same room with him.

"Bingley, my objection or approval can be of no importance. She is your sister, and this is your house."

"But Darcy, I would not have you be uncomfortable here."

"I am glad that you consider my comfort important, but surely you can see that it is not my place to decide who is welcome here, especially when it comes to your family. I will say that although I was not happy with the way your sister treated Miss Elizabeth Bennet, she has never consciously done anything to offend me. If anything, I find her… " he softened what he was going to say, and concluded, "solicitous to a fault."

Bingley looked relieved. "Louisa has pointed out that her behavior was mostly due to the presence of the Misses Bennet, and now that they are gone, she will have no reason to be so unpleasant." Bingley saw that Darcy was going to object, but quickly added, "I know, Darcy, the Bennets did nothing wrong, but the point remains that as they are no longer here, Caroline should not be provoked, no matter how unjust she was in considering them a provocation."

"You need not convince me. As I said, she is your sister, and you must do what you think is right. And should I find that I cannot abide her, then it is I who should leave, not her."

While Darcy could hardly have said anything else to his friend, the truth was that he desperately wished that Miss Bingley had not returned. Meals became a trial again as she flattered and flirted with him. He had felt much more optimistic about Georgiana's spirits improving at Netherfield after Miss Bingley had been expelled, and was somewhat vexed that Miss Bingley had returned before Richard and Georgiana arrived, so that his sister would not have any time to get used to her new surroundings before facing the trying Miss Bingley. Still, though Caroline might smother Georgiana with false flattery, that would not be nearly so bad as the vitriol she had directed at Elizabeth. He did, however, send an express to Richard giving fair warning that the social climbing harpy whom he had mentioned in an earlier letter had returned to Netherfield. Richard, who had faced the worst of both the ton and the battlefield, could easily handle her, but as Georgiana's co-guardian he needed to know in advance the character of their hostess.

Caroline had learned that Miss Darcy enjoyed playing the pianoforte, so she made it a point to practice each afternoon and play each evening, now that the instrument at Netherfield was usable. It had been hopelessly out of tune when the Bingley party had first arrived, for the duke's agent had deemed keeping it in tune while the house was empty to be an unnecessary expenditure. While Mrs. Nicholls was an extraordinarily competent housekeeper, she could not conjure a pianoforte tuner out of thin air. At her first full discussion with Mr. Bingley, she informed him that his timing had been unfortunate, for there was only one itinerant tuner who served this part of Hertfordshire, and he would not be visiting Meryton for a fortnight.

The instrument had been tuned the day before Caroline returned, however, and if it was not as grand as she thought she deserved, it was perfectly adequate to the purpose of displaying her musical skills, which were not inconsiderable. She was sure she would impress both Darcy and his sister.

Caroline was not concerned about impressing Colonel Fitzwilliam. She had learned from her brother that although the colonel was the son of an earl, he had virtually no chance to inherit, with two elder brothers and even a nephew ahead of him in the succession. Further proof of his insignificance was that he had been forced to make his way in the world as a soldier, and was now acting as Mr. Darcy's errand boy, escorting Darcy's sister to Netherfield. Caroline would not dismiss him entirely, for he might be useful for introductions to people who might actually be important, but she would make it clear to him that he was not worthy of her, lest he become enamored of her and cause complications in her budding romance with Darcy.

Darcy's sister was quite a different prospect. It seemed that every time Caroline had tried to engage Darcy in cards or conversation, she had been unable to do so because he was writing a letter to his sister, so she must be very important to him. Accordingly, Caroline intended to ingratiate herself with the girl, no matter how tiresome she might be, in order to obtain invitations to Darcy House and Pemberley, and to show Darcy what an excellent influence and role model she would be for Miss Darcy. The girl could be married off or sent to relatives once Caroline became Mrs. Darcy.

Unfortunately for Caroline, Darcy's express to Richard had already exposed her as a spiteful social climber from whom Georgiana would need to be protected. The result was that as the carriage pulled up to Netherfield's entrance, Richard told Georgiana and Mrs. Annesley to plead fatigue and go up to their rooms as soon as they arrived, while he consulted with Darcy on the lay of the land. Thus it was that Caroline did not get a chance to speak with any of the new party, other than the briefest of introductions, until they came down for dinner. She barely had time to note that Miss Darcy was tall, blonde, and willowy, though not nearly so beautiful as Miss Jane Bennet.

The beginning was not propitious. Georgiana descended the broad staircase flanked by Mr. Darcy and her companion, and Caroline immediately rushed up to them and took Georgiana's arm from Mrs. Annesley, saying, "That will be all, Mrs. Amesly."

Georgiana looked at her brother with panic in her eyes, and Darcy said, "Miss Bingley, Mrs. Annesley is my sister's trusted companion, and she takes her meals with us. If this is objectionable to you, we will take a tray in our rooms this evening, and remove to the inn tomorrow."

"Oh! Not at all, Mr. Darcy," said Caroline as her face flushed. "I apologize for the misunderstanding." There was further awkwardness as another place had to be set, but then things returned to Caroline's meticulous schedule. She had carefully chosen the menu to include all of what she had learned were Mr. Darcy's favorites, and had stressed to Mme. Beaumont the importance of this dinner.

Despite this, she had been unable to engage Miss Darcy in meaningful conversation. It seemed that every time she asked Miss Darcy a question, the colonel butted in and answered the question for her, and then began a rambling discourse on some experience of his that he apparently thought relevant to the question. It was almost as if he were deliberately sabotaging her attempts to befriend his young cousin.

"I say, everything served has been delicious!" said Richard as he finished his second lemon tart and turned to Bingley. "Where on earth did you find your cook?"

Caroline was fully prepared to take credit for her choice in cooks, but was forestalled by her brother.

"She came with the house, actually," Bingley said cheerfully. "One of the conditions of the lease was that the senior staff could not be replaced, and seldom has a restriction turned out so well for me, for they are all quite marvelous!"

Miffed at both her brother and the colonel, Caroline said petulantly, "I would not imagine it would take much to exceed the food you are used to in a barracks, Colonel."

Richard looked at her with amusement, for he had her measure. Time for some sport. "In fact, madam, I was comparing it with the food I have lately been served by my mother the Countess, who has a reputation among the ton for her dinners. Even though I am only a third son, they do let me eat with the adults." Seeing her redden, he continued, "But you are quite right about barracks food, and even worse is the food served when on campaign. Often the cook is someone useless who is given the task just to keep him from mucking up something more important. I recall Private Lawson in India, whom I would swear was secretly employed by the enemy to poison us. Everything he made was burnt on the outside, raw on the inside, and tasted like backside."

"Richard…" Darcy warned in a low voice, as Caroline gasped, and Georgiana quickly put a napkin to her lips to hide a smile.

Richard held up his hand. "My apologies, good people, 'you can take the soldier out of the mud,' and all that." Despite his apology, he did not look in the least repentant. "But back to Private Lawson. As I say, he was the worst cook I ever heard of. Quite ruined everything he touched. Well, excepting eggs. He was actually rather good with eggs. Fried, scrambled, coddled, you name it." He took a sip of tea after casually adding, "I was quite sorry when they hanged him."

Bingley bit. "Hanged him? Whatever for?"

Richard raised an eyebrow, as if the answer were obvious. "Why, poaching, of course," he said, and flicked a microscopic piece of lint off his sleeve.

Hurst snorted first. Darcy, Georgiana, and Mrs. Annesley, used to Richard's atrocious puns, looked at each other with wry smiles. Bingley and his sisters looked blank.

"Haw, get it? He cooked eggs, and they hanged him for poaching!" cried Richard, enjoying how red Caroline was turning, for though she could not prove it, she was quite sure that he was somehow mocking her.

Bingley, on the other hand, was now enjoying the jest. "Oh, jolly good," he chuckled.

Caroline was certainly not laughing, but she could not openly express her disgust at the son of an earl, so she tried yet again to ignore the colonel and ingratiate herself with Georgiana.

"I am so happy you could join your brother, Miss Darcy," she said, pointedly turning away from Richard. "The society here is rather dreadful, I am afraid, but now that you are here, I am sure we will become great friends." She smiled widely at Georgiana, who looked rather uncomfortable and said in a low voice, "Thank you."

Before Caroline could continue, Bingley retorted, "I could not disagree more, Caro. I find the people here quite amiable. And there are estates nearby with daughters of an age with Miss Darcy." He turned to Georgiana and said, "The neighboring estate, Longbourn, is the home of the five Bennet sisters, each more charming than the next, and only one of them above twenty years of age. And I believe Miss Maria Lucas, who also lives nearby, is but 16."

Darcy nodded. "Indeed, Georgiana, I particularly wish to introduce you to Miss Bennet and her sisters…"

Richard interrupted, "I saw Miss Lizzy Bennet earlier today, and I agree that she seemed quite charming!"

Everyone stared at him. Caroline gasped, and Darcy asked in astonishment, "You know Miss Elizabeth?" while Bingley simultaneously asked, "You have been to Longbourn?"

Richard, a bit surprised at the reaction, tried to answer both questions at once as he said, "No, I have not met her, but when we stopped at the inn in Meryton today, I saw her across the street, conversing with an old comrade of mine, Sgt. Cummings. I later spoke with him for a moment, and he gave her a very good name."

Caroline had grown tired of this loudmouthed clown dominating the conversation even when the topic was something he knew nothing about. She said in a patronizing tone, "I had heard the militia was to spend the winter here, but I did not know they had already arrived. I am not in the least surprised to learn that Miss Eliza makes herself popular with the soldiers. But I assure you, Colonel, that it is not for her conversation that men like that sergeant admire her. I will say no more in front of Miss Darcy."

But she had already said too much, and no one missed her meaning. Bingley was about to reprimand his sister when Richard abruptly stood up, and everyone went silent. Caroline looked at him and paled. The laughing buffoon with the merry eyes and easy smile had vanished. Instead, she beheld an imposing, powerful figure that fairly radiated menace. She quickly dropped her gaze from his terrifyingly cold eyes, the eyes that had been the last thing many of Bonaparte's soldiers had seen in this world.

"Miss Bingley," he said, in a voice that might have come from the bottom of an arctic glacier, "before today, I thought there were three men in the world with whom I could trust my life. One is Darcy. Another is Wellesley. And the third is my batman, currently on leave. Today, I learned that a fourth, whom I had thought dead, still lives, and that is Sgt. Cummings. He is not in the militia; his grievous wounds prevent him from serving now, but he was a stalwart in some of the hottest battles I have experienced. I trust his judgment and honor without reservation."

The colonel tossed his napkin onto the table and stalked out of the room. After a long moment of silence, Bingley said, "Well, Caro, I see you still have the gift of spreading sunshine wherever you go. You promised me that you had reformed your behavior. I suggest that you reform it further, or you will find yourself back in the carriage for London."

Furious and mortified, Caroline excused herself and headed for her room. The evening was ruined. Her plans of charming Darcy and his sister were ruined. That damnable Eliza Bennet! Even when she is miles away, she ruins things for me!

Caroline could not understand why otherwise reasonable men could not see through the country chit. She could only hope that when the militia arrived, Miss Eliza would show her true colors. She idly wondered whether she might find some handsome rogue among the soldiers whom she could pay to publicly ruin Miss Eliza's reputation once and for all.

"Wickham, George Wickham," said Captain Carter as he placed the last sheet of paper on the stack in front of Colonel Forster. Carter had just returned from a final recruiting trip to London, seeking new officers for the militia. "Last alphabetically, but I dare say not the least in promise. He was educated at Eton and Cambridge, and seems very amiable. It remains to be seen how he will take to soldiering, for he tells me that he had been intended for the church before the resentful heir of his godfather denied him the living he was promised, but I suppose we shall find out soon enough. He has some affairs to tidy up in Town, but he should be here in a week or so."

*You are forgiven if you don't recall from Chapter 11 that Mr. Bailey is Longbourn's groom.

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