Thank you for your kind words ! Means a lot
When Mike arrived home that night, the comforting aroma of tomato sauce and basil enveloped him like a warm embrace, instantly lifting his spirits. It was one of the things he loved most about Rachel, her passion for cooking, and he couldn't help but feel grateful for the delicious meals she prepared day after day. He thanked the heavens silently for the privilege of coming home to their nest, where he could explore a multitude of new flavors instead of the same depressing junk food he had grown accustomed to for years.
As he stepped into the kitchen, Rachel greeted him with a smile, her eyes sparkling with warmth and affection. They exchanged brief kisses, a silent exchange of love and intimacy that spoke volumes more than words ever could. Rachel asked him how his day has been, her voice filled with genuine curiosity as they catch up on the events of the day.
Mike launched into an explanation of his lunch with Harvey, his new relationship, and the strange behavior he had observed. "At the end of our lunch, we left and he hadn't even had a bite of his food. Which I would like to mention was a salad. When have you ever seen Harvey eat a salad? Something's really off with him," he confided.
"That lines up with when he started seeing Paula," Rachel observed, finishing his sentence with a knowing nod. "I understand Donna's look better now. I stopped by her office just before leaving, and she looked like she'd seen a ghost. Harvey must have told her," Rachel said with sadness for her best friend.
"I can't believe Harvey is so stupid. He's had the love of his life in front of him for over 12 years and still hasn't done anything about it. Well, I take that back, he's doing something about it, he's banging his therapist," Mike snapped, his frustration boiling over.
Rachel sighed, pouring them both glasses of wine as she tried to diffuse the tension. "Mike, that's not fair and you know it. As far as we know, Donna has never been clear about her feelings. He's not supposed to guess what's going on," she reasoned gently.
"Wait a minute, you're switching sides here. Donna's your best friend, but you're defending Harvey," Mike pointed out with frustration in his tone.
"I'm not defending him. I'm just saying it's not all black or white. Harvey is blind and has screwed up a lot with Donna, we agree on that," Rachel explained, her voice calm and measured. "And because of that, Donna doesn't dare to open up to him and confess her feelings, and I understand her. I really do. Her heart has been stomped on enough times, she's trying to protect herself. But sometimes... Sometimes when you really want something, you have to fight for it even if you're terrified it won't work out."
"Okay, who are you and what have you done with my fiancée? I was convinced you were team Donna," Mike quipped, a hint of playful incredulity in his voice.
"I will always be team Donna, and that's why I'm saying this. When you have a true friendship with someone, you're not afraid to tell them what you think. They're both idiots. Both of them. Not just Harvey," Rachel retorted, with a mixture of frustration and affection.
"Yeah, well, I'm glad it's not as complicated for us," Mike replied, a note of relief coloring his words as he gazes at his fiancée.
"So am I," Rachel agreed, her smile softening the edges of her worry as she leaned in to kiss him. In that moment, they both felt overwhelmed by the complexities of love, but also grateful for the simplicity of their own relationship. Yet, beneath their shared smile, there lingered a concern for their friends, a silent hope that they'll find their way through the tangled web of emotions and emerge stronger on the other side.
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When Harvey arrived at his condo, the weight of his earlier conversation was still heavy on his mind. He knew Donna had put on a brave face, but he couldn't shake the feeling that her encouragement in his new relationship wasn't entirely sincere. What had upset her ? Was it because Paula had been his therapist ? Or had she seen through his lie about his health ? Or perhaps it was something else entirely. It couldn't be jealousy or envy since she didn't want that with him. She's never said as much anyway. She had been clear about that. He tells her he loves her, she leaves him for Louis. She says she wants more and only talks about her career. She tells him she doesn't get involved with men she works with, and then she has an affair with Stephen Huntley. The uncertainty gnawed at him, leaving him feeling unsettled and nauseous.
"Hey, you're home early today," Paula's voice interrupted his thoughts, and he looked up to find her smiling as she stirred a dish in a pot. The aroma might have been enticing under different circumstances, but right now, it only adds to his discomfort.
"Paula? What are you doing here?" Harvey asked, his tone betraying a hint of annoyance, though not directed at her.
"I thought I'd spend the night here, if that's okay with you," she suggested, tasting her dish with a satisfied expression.
"Yes, of course. I didn't expect to see you here, but it's a pleasant surprise," Harvey replied, forcing a smile as he tried to push aside his inner turmoil.
He pressed a kiss on her lips before settling onto a kitchen stool, still lost in his thoughts.
"At least tonight, we can have dinner together. It'll be ready soon," Paula remarked, her voice filled with warmth.
"I'm sorry, I'm really not hungry. Maybe later," Harvey responded absently, his mind elsewhere.
"Harvey, what's going on?" Paula's question cut through his reverie. It was never a good sign when he retreated too deeply into his own mind.
"I told Mike and Donna today about us," he said bluntly, the words hanging heavy in the air.
"Harvey, that's fantastic, I'm proud of you. It must not have been easy with the apprehension you had," Paula said in a supportive tone.
Harvey nodded, still looking distant.
"It didn't go so well, did it?" Paula's intuition was keen, and she could sense his unease.
"Long story short, they told me that if I'm happy, they're happy, but it wasn't sincere at all," Harvey admitted, his frustration evident in his voice.
"I'm sorry to hear that, Harvey. Do you still want me to go with you next week ? Because I can understand if..." Paula offered, her concern evident.
"No, you're coming with me," Harvey interrupted, his determination shining through. "Don't worry about it, they'll get over it, and they won't say anything to you anyway."
"They care about you. It would be lovely if only it had always been the case," Paula murmured, moving closer to her boyfriend.
"What are you talking about?" Harvey's confusion was palpable as he searched her eyes for answers.
"I mean, your relationships are always on the rocks. Maybe you unconsciously initiate conflict to reproduce what you had with your mother, with whom you fought constantly, or maybe you choose your friends based on their ability to create conflicts," Paula suggested, her words hitting him like a sucker punch.
Harvey was taken aback by her assessment, his mind reeling with the implications of what she was saying. Did she really think so little of his friends ? Sure, they'd had their disagreements, but that didn't mean they didn't care about him, did it ?
"And it's the same with your family. Both your mother and your brother. The only difference here is that we don't choose our family," Paula spit out, her words cutting through the air like a knife.
"What did you just say to me?" Harvey's brow furrowed in disbelief, his eyes narrowing as he struggled to comprehend her audacity.
Apparently, it wasn't enough for her to criticize his friends ; she was now going after his mother and especially, his brother. Anger simmered beneath his skin, fueling his disbelief. " Who does she think she is ?" Harvey thought, his fury mounting with each passing moment.
"Harvey, deep down, you know I'm right. You're always at odds with the people you care about. The biggest problem in all of this is that I feel the more it goes on, the more they hold you responsible when you're not always the one to blame. But your abandonment issues are so ingrained in you that you get over it every time and forgive everything in a heartbeat because you're afraid people will leave you," Paula argued, her tone unwavering.
"You know what, I'm not in the mood for a psychoanalysis session, and I certainly don't want to talk about my family. I'm going to take a shower," Harvey said, his voice clipped with frustration as he sidestepped the conversation, though his actions unwittingly affirmed Paula's words. He retreated from conflict, avoiding confrontation for fear of abandonment.
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As Harvey stood beneath the hot spray of water, his mind churned with thoughts of what Paula had just said to him. Was he really unconsciously initiating conflicts? It seemed ludicrous at first, but the more he turned the idea over in his mind, the more it began to make a twisted kind of sense. He couldn't deny the pattern that seemed to emerge when he thought about the relationships in his life.
His friends, his family, even his romantic partners—there had always been tension, always some underlying discord that threatened to erupt at any moment. Was he the common denominator in all of this? Was he unknowingly driving the people he cared about away?
The realization hit him like a punch to the gut. Perhaps it was time to distance himself, to retreat into solitude where he couldn't hurt anyone else. But even as the thought crossed his mind, he recoiled from it. He was too attached to these people, too dependent on their presence in his life. The idea of cutting ties with them was unfathomable, unthinkable.
Yet, if he was truly sabotaging all his relationships, as Paula had suggested, then what choice did he have ? Could he continue to allow his own insecurities and fears to poison the bonds he had worked so hard to build ?
.
"I'm leaving you, Harvey. This isn't working for me anymore."
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Harvey knew that Donna felt the weight of his actions more deeply than anyone else. His confession of love followed by a swift retraction cut her to the core. It was a painful reminder of the complex dance they had been performing for years, one step forward followed by two steps back. He couldn't help but feel a pang of disappointment and frustration at his inability to fully embrace his own feelings.
What he had done was nothing short of pathetic, he thought bitterly. How could he profess his love for her one moment and then retreat from it the next? It was as if he couldn't bear the weight of his own emotions, as if he was afraid of what they might mean.
But deep down, Harvey knew that Donna knew that his reluctance to fully accept his feelings for her stemmed from a place of fear. He loved her too much, perhaps even in a toxic way, and he couldn't afford to let himself be consumed by that love. It was a defense mechanism, a way of protecting himself from the pain and vulnerability that came with loving someone so deeply.
And yet, despite the hurt and disappointment he knows she's had to endure because of him, he knows Donna won't hold it against him. She understood his fears, and his insecurities, perhaps better than anyone else. She knew that his heart was a fragile thing, guarded by walls built high and fortified with years of pain and regret.
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"You can't accept the fact that I don't want to come back."
"I wasn't trying to get you back. I was trying to help–"
"I don't believe you."
"If by some miracle the hand of God touches me and I'm somehow able to practice law again, this is the last place that I am ever coming back."
"Stop messing with my life."
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Harvey's feelings toward Mike ran deep, akin to the love he held for Donna, though in a distinctly different manner. It was a bond forged in the crucible of shared trials and tribulations, one that transcended mere friendship and approached the familial. After all, Mike had sacrificed his freedom for Harvey's sake, a debt that weighed heavily on his conscience.
In Harvey's eyes, Mike was more than just a protege; he was like a younger brother, someone he felt responsible for guiding and nurturing. He had pulled strings to ensure Mike's success, from helping him pass the bar exam to providing him with opportunities at the firm and beyond. But despite his best efforts, it seemed that their relationship had soured irreparably.
As he reflected on their tumultuous history, Harvey couldn't shake the nagging feeling of inadequacy that gnawed at him from within. No matter how hard he tried, it was never enough to mend the rift between them. Mike had distanced himself, and perhaps rightfully so. In Harvey's eyes, he had become a toxic presence in the younger man's life, poisoning their once-close bond with his own insecurities and shortcomings.
It was a bitter pill to swallow, realizing that he had failed to live up to the expectations he had set for himself as a mentor and friend. But as much as it pained him to admit it, Harvey knew that Mike deserved better than what he had to offer. And if that meant letting him go, then so be it. Deep down, he hoped that Mike would find the peace and fulfillment he sought, even if it meant doing so without him by his side.
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"It's not my firm anymore."
"You have to let me go."
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Jessica was the person Harvey trusted most after Donna, and yet, she was also the one he had let down the most. His past betrayals weighed heavily on his conscience, each one a painful reminder of the damage he had inflicted upon their once-strong bond. From his decision to become a name partner to his reckless hiring of Mike, every choice he had made seemed to lead to further discord and disappointment.
His heart ached with remorse as he recalled the events that had driven Jessica away from the firm. It had been his actions, his selfish ambitions, that had ultimately pushed her to her breaking point. He had put everyone at risk, including her, with his reckless pursuit of power and prestige.
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"She didn't have all the facts. Like the fact that you are a serial womanizer who can't stand with anyone else has anything. So he takes whatever woman's in sight because he is so messed up from whatever goddamn thing happened to him in his pathetic childhood."
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Harvey's thoughts churned as he grappled with the weight of his past actions, each memory a heavy burden on his conscience. The recollection of his tumultuous relationship with Louis loomed large in his mind, a reminder of his own failings and shortcomings. He had subjected him to ridicule, disrespect, and even physical violence, a fact that filled him with a deep sense of shame and regret.
Despite whatever personal struggles he had faced at the time, Harvey knew that there was no excuse for his behavior. The image of Louis being thrown against a glass coffee table flashed before his mind's eye.
Louis was right to call him out on his pathetic childhood and his propensity for deceit. Harvey had demanded honesty from others while himself being guilty of deception, particularly when it came to his relationship with his friend. He had intended to come clean about his past transgressions, to confess the truth about his affair with Esther, but it seemed that Louis had discovered the truth on his own.
Now faced with his anger and betrayal, Harvey knew that he had no one to blame but himself. He had betrayed Louis's trust in the worst possible way, and the realization filled him with a profound sense of remorse. No matter his intentions or justifications, he had hurt someone he cared about deeply, and that was a burden he would have to carry for the rest of his days.
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"I don't give a shit about right now. I give a shit about when you were supposed to be my big brother, but instead what did you do?"
"When you leave this time, just stay gone, because the truth is, this family works better without you."
"I'm telling you he had every right to say what he said to you last night."
.
Harvey's thoughts turned to his family, a source of pain and regret that weighed on his mind. The memory of Marcus hiding his cancer relapse from him struck a particularly painful chord. He had been so consumed by his unresolved issues with his mother that he had failed to be there for his brother when he needed him most. The guilt gnawed at him as he remembered the missed opportunities to offer support and comfort, to be a source of strength for his brother and his children.
The recollection of missed birthdays, Christmases, and baseball games stung like a fresh wound, a stark reminder of the moments he had let slip through his fingers in pursuit of his own selfish desires. He had been so blinded by his own pride and ambition that he had failed to see the pain and suffering he had caused to those he loved most.
And then there was his brother's attempt to start over and get into business, a chance for reconciliation and redemption that Harvey had initially been unable to support. The memory of the disappointed look on his brother's face haunted him, a silent reproach that cut deeper than any argument or confrontation ever could.
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"You are the same self-absorbed childish man you always were."
"There you go. Leave. That's what you do the best."
"I may have neglected my family in the past, but you've been doing it for as long as I can remember."
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The thought of his mother stirred a tumult of emotions within Harvey. The weight of their strained relationship had burdened him for years, casting a shadow over his life like an ominous cloud. Yet, a glimmer of hope had emerged when he finally managed to reconcile with her.
There had always been a void in Harvey's life, a sense of absence where a mother's love should have resided. He had felt abandoned, as if Lily had chosen Bobby over her own son. The wounds of childhood ran deep, leaving him with a sense of insecurity and inadequacy.
Despite his success and stature, Harvey couldn't shake the feeling that he would always come second in his mother's eyes. It was a painful realization, one that had plagued him for much of his adult life. Yet, the flicker of hope that had ignited with their reconciliation offered a glimmer of solace amidst the darkness.
As he reflected on his relationship with Lily, Harvey couldn't help but feel a mixture of longing and resentment. He yearned for the maternal love and affection he had been denied, yet he couldn't shake the bitterness of feeling overlooked and abandoned.
In reconciling with her, Harvey had hoped to fill the void that had plagued him for so long. Yet, deep down, he knew that some wounds ran too deep to ever fully heal. The scars would always be a part of him, as a reminder of the pain and loss he had endured.
.
Fortunately, he had Paula now. She knew his flaws and accepted them. She wouldn't try to change him or shape him in any other way other than he was. She wouldn't leave him. He was happy with her, he didn't need anything else, and above all, the others certainly didn't need him.
With a heavy heart and weary mind, Harvey returned to the living room, finding solace in the familiar warmth of his home. There, waiting for him on the coffee table, was a glass of scotch, a comforting gesture from Paula. Grateful for her thoughtfulness, he accepted the drink with a tired yet appreciative smile.
As the amber liquid soothed his throat, Harvey felt a fleeting sense of relief wash over him, if only temporarily easing the weight of his troubles. The scotch offered a momentary respite from the chaos swirling within his mind, a reprieve from the relentless self-reflection that plagued him.
With each sip, the tension in his muscles began to loosen, his thoughts gradually muffled by the gentle haze of alcohol. It was a welcome sensation, one he embraced willingly, craving the oblivion it promised. The exhaustion that had been gnawing at him seemed to weigh heavier than usual, dragging him into a seductive embrace of drowsiness.
In the dimly lit room, Harvey felt Paula's presence beside him, her touch a comforting reassurance amidst the turmoil. Her hands on his chest, her soft kisses trailing along his neck, offered a semblance of intimacy in the midst of his inner turmoil. He tried to voice his fatigue, to communicate his need for rest, but his words dissolved into a whispered murmur, lost in the depths of his weariness.
As his eyelids grew heavy and his consciousness began to fade, Harvey surrendered to the embrace of sleep, grateful for the respite it offered from the tumultuous thoughts that haunted him. In that moment, with Paula by his side, he found a fleeting sense of peace amidst the storm of his emotions.
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It was the last chapter without Donna, I swear, our queen is coming and is so ready to kick some asses.
Next chapter, we will really get into the story !