V – Nominator, Elector, and Executivecutioner
By Chronic Guardian
Written for Twelve Shots of Summer: Eleventh Hour, Week 5: Last Round and Final Trials
Whoever said people didn't show up to elections they didn't think they could change had obviously never met G.
Granted, most people of the world had not met G. He was an enigma, a dark horse candidate. He showed up when the world needed him most (now, obviously) and took charge without promise of recognition or reward.
Some would also argue permission, but they were wrong. G had given himself permission on their behalf.
He was also the only person he had met so far who would be casting a valid vote for president of the world. Yes, there had been challengers, and yes, the Shadaloo and Illuminati organizations had tried to rig the election with generous donations from their doomsday machines, but that was not how elections worked around here.
"Here" being Earth, globally speaking.
Instead, the president of Earth would be decided by who could either harness or face a wielder of the power of the Earth. As G had done the former and yet to meet someone who could do the latter, this was shaping up to be a pretty lonely election process.
Still, people showed up, and he got to make speeches, so it wasn't a total wash.
After introducing his latest electoral contender to the (k)needs his platform would be addressing, G spread his hands wide and addressed the assembled citizens of world. "People of Earth, you are not weak. And neither is my opponent weak! You see before you a beaten man, but he is only beaten in the way so many of us have been beaten by fear—fear of the hardness of life. Watch how he is not overcome by that fear, how he bravely faces the great trials of life even knowing he is outmatched!"
From the ground, the fighter coughed and groaned, proving he was certainly still alive. And what a feat that was after facing someone like G!
"Brothers and sisters, do not mock my valiant contender for office," the president hopeful continued, "for it is the right of all to strive for greatness! To each of you that answers the greatest calling of your heart, the greatest burden that you can bear, we all must admire and—" he paused to grab his fallen opponent by the shoulder and hoist the man over his shoulder, "—lift them up! On that day when we can all do such as this, we shall all receive the power of Earth and more!"
"Didn't you just break his spine over your knee?" Someone called out from the audience.
"He'll walk it off," G assured the concerned citizen with a hearty pat to the man's back. He got a reassuringly hearty spasm in return. "Why, just yesterday I broke both my legs landing in your country! And behold! By the power of Earth, I walk again!"
After charging the man's back with Gaian energy, G let him hobble off with friendly wave and thanked the crowd for their awed cheers. "Now who can kindly fly me over to the land of Jay-Pan? I hear I've got a few challengers in that corner of the world."
The crowd dropped silent and G shrugged.
"Guess that means I'll be swimmin'. Time for the power of Earth to meet the power of sea!"
As it turned out, the power of sea was more like the power of ocean. It was slow going for a while until G met and wrestled a megaladon into submission. Once that was out of the way, his new friend gave him a lift to the island nation of the rising sun.
"So, the power of Earth meets the power of mountain..." G said to himself, surveying his magnificent foe: Mt. Fujiyama. "Well, it may not be a proper street fight, but I'll—"
"Hey!" A large, amply proportioned man pointed him out and took a bowlegged stance. His Thicccc thighs thundered as the pavement cracked beneath him. "Are you threatening my nation's symbol of good luck?!"
G bowed. "Sir, I am merely a citizen of Earth seeking to become president—"
"Oooaahw?"
"—of the world."
"OOOAAHW!" The portly man thumped each leg and glared with volcanic intensity. "You dare threaten the emperor?"
G narrowed his eyes. "There's an emperor?"
If there was an emperor of Earth (or even Japan), it appeared he had rather generously bestowed his authority to ignore the laws of physics to his champions. The next thing G knew, the man was hurtling through the air like an arrow shot from a bow: arms flush against his sides, legs fully extended behind him like fletching. Which, to be fair, was not the weirdest thing he had seen a fighter do, but it still caught him off guard.
"Gaia!" G called out, summoning a geyser in front of him. The hot air caught below the flying man and sent him soaring into the sky.
And over the city skyline.
And away into the distance.
G frowned to himself and put his hands on his hips. He couldn't call it a conclusive electoral victory unless he knew he had defeated the region's champion and all he had to go on was the man's word and his ability to defy physics. He needed to make certain he'd just won the region before he moved on.
Locating a pair of golden arches (surely the sign of an official establishment), he found the nearest attendant and began his investigation.
"Pardon me, but could you describe your region's champion fighter for me?"
The attendant, a young lass just graduated into the working world, gave him a helpless look.
"Hold on..." G took a napkin and sketched out a circle with thick triangles for the limbs and a smaller circle for the head, "Does he look something like this?"
"S-sumo?" The attendant managed.
"Aha! And does Mr. Sumo fight for the emperor?"
"The emperor has seen sumo fights, yes."
"Well!" G declared triumphantly, "Then I do believe I have just rightfully won your region. Thank you, dear citizen of Earth, and I will remember you when I arise in power!"
And so, G went on to the next region.
At the end of the election season, G found himself with just one more demographic to capture for a unanimous election to be president of the world. It was tough work, but the people of Earth deserved a strong leader, so he would endure his final trials all the way to the end.
G grunted as he plowed through another lineup of uniformed lackeys and tossed them into the wall like Thanksgiving dinner going into the oven. Unlike most of the world, the Shadaloo and Illuminati groups didn't seem to play by the official champion rules G had set out for the elections and instead believed in the pure democracy of every underling having their own shot at becoming president of Earth.
It was a nice sentiment, but G really didn't think most of these guys had really prepared for the occasion.
"Power to the people of Earth!" He roared, summoning seismic energy until it coursed through his veins. Then, giving that power singular direction, he pointed.
"Light it up."
The ground exploded. Chunks of rock and metal rained down like confetti and G adjusted his stove pipe top hat to let the extra heat vent a little. He didn't usually fidget too much, but given that this election was taking place in a literal volcano, he felt it was excusable.
"Thank you, gentlemen," he said, addressing the fallen goons with a bow. "I appreciate your ferocity and support for the electoral process. But let us not be enemies. No! Rather we should be friends, for we are united as the citizens of Earth. The power of Gaia is in all of us, and we—"
"Foolish mortal," a new voice interrupted him. G pivoted to find a man of half red, half blue, and, to complete the patriotic symbolism, a tiny white loin cloth preserving his modesty.
"Ah, an American," G smiled. "Welcome to the election, son! You're a—"
He stopped himself as he realized a fatal mistake in his estimation. In addition to the red, white, and blue, the man was also blond. Clearly, this made him something else.
"—Venezuelan," the president-hopeful let out in a deflated sigh. "Well… I suppose there's nothing wrong with that, but I wish you'd shown up for your people when I was in the neighborhood. Seemed I couldn't get a half decent fight on your continent till I got to Brazil."
"Silence!" the man thundered. "I am Gill, master of the Illuminati, and today you've meddled your last in our affairs! Behold!" Mr. Blue-Raspberry and Cherry spread his arms wide just as an object came flying in from the atmosphere. "The power of—!"
The object, no, the MAN who plowed into the Venezuelan imposter bounced and came to a skidding halt. It took G a moment to realize it was Mr. Sumo who had finally landed after orbiting the Earth several times in his flying headbutt stance.
Gill, unfortunately, had been demolished by the attack.
"The power of sumo aided by the power of the Earth," G said. "Well, guess we're back on for a proper rematch then, eh, Mr. Sumo?"
"Not so fast!" Gill reformed and drew himself upright. "My special move allows me to come back when it is most inconvenient! Prepare for your last round, imposter!"
"Good sir," Stroking his beard, G gave a sad look at his latest opponent. Mr. Sumo, unfortunately, seemed to have gone unconscious from reentry and would need to be rematched later. "Let us put aside our differences. I will gladly fight you, of course, but how is it fair that you can come back from the dead?"
Gill scoffed. "What is fairness but what I decree it to be? For I am master of all, of humanity, of reason itself!"
"So you are not a citizen of Earth?"
"Citizen? Ha!"
"Well then," G cracked his knuckles and shifted into a smile. "Guess you don't count towards the election. And seeing as I've beaten all eligible contenders, that makes me de facto President of the World. And you know what my first executive order is gonna be, son?"
"If it is suing for peace with the Illuminati, know that you are too late for mercy."
"I've got a better idea," G started approaching. "I call it 'Justice for All'"
Gill laughed maniacally and threw a fireball. G caught and absorbed it before raising both arms and launching his own balls of magma.
The fight quickly grew heated. When projectiles proved pointless, they moved into G's official office of education: the department of fisticuffs. It was a spectacle wasted on the various unconscious challengers strewn about the room, like a secrets of the universe powerpoint presented to a room of blind children. However, G eventually wore down the not-Earthling and forced him into a submission hold.
"Go ahead and try to kill me," Gill taunted. "We both know I'll just come back!"
"You sure?" G asked. "That seems against natural law, and as head of the executive branch it is my duty to make sure it is enforced."
Gill moved to flex his muscles and came up short with a gasp. "What trickery is this?"
"Call it a Baloney Sandwiches tax," G answered, "Because by the power vested in me, I'm about to collect on all the baloney you've been servin' the world!"
Lights flashed and G became surrounded by a bright aura. With Gill's special move meter drained by the legislative powers of Earth, G knocked him out cold and enjoyed the executive privilege of not having to immediately fight him again.
"Consider yourself guilty as charged," G said. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a planet to be President of!"
G's presidency brought an unprecedented era of peace (all international disputes were solved by personal wrestling matches with the president) and advances in moving tattoo technology. He also took on Mr. Sumo (Apparently, named E. Honda) on as his VP and passed a motion to end earthquakes in Japan.
At the end of his term, he eventually repealed his ban on BS resurrections by special move, which led to a mostly unrelated disaster in the Star Wars universe, and mandated that all men over the age of 16 grow beards and wrestle at least one bear in their lifetime. Then, before leaving office, he retconned all last remnants of Shadaloo and the Illuminati to being D tier villains. For the imprisoned Gill, it was the worst day of his life.
For G, it was a super Tuesday.
[End V]
A/N: The nature of crackfics is that you just kinda have to lean into the ridiculousness and see where it takes you. I don't expect this to be anyone's new favorite or anything, but it was at least fun to write and, I hope, fun to read.
For more coherent stories (and lots of them!) try checking out Twelve Shots of Summer and maybe even joining us to take on the prompts! We would love to have you, be you serious or silly.
Well, that's all for me,
-CG
[6-29-2024]