Four Years Ago

She should be used to this by now. Daughter, niece, sister, friend. Hacker, operative, spy, assassin, rogue. Ghost, phoenix. Bitch. She had a lot of titles so it shouldn't be so difficult to add one more, especially when it was one she'd already had but maybe that was part of what made it so terrifying; something that was both a return to what was comfortable and a step towards something new.

Student.

Masters student.

The idea seemed foreign, but it shouldn't. She was already keeping up with the latest technological advancements on her own, so why shouldn't she be credited for them? Probably because credit was the last thing she felt like she deserved but if she let her shame keep her from learning something that could help people then Tess would never forgive herself. And that was something she was working really hard on doing. Success was… minimal and patchy but she wasn't spending every day waking up hating either the world or herself, or the dangerous combination of both, so that was a win. Baby steps. And not that she cared or couldn't afford it herself but the cost of her continued education wouldn't even be coming out of her pocket. The new director had suggested it, actually offered to send her back on the agency's dime, both as an apology for the way she'd been treated and as an olive branch that the new regime believed in her potential. It was a strange feeling but not an unpleasant one, vindication mixed with uncertainty, partly because she was used to hidden intentions but mostly… Because she was having trouble picturing it. Herself, as a student again.

But she knew she wanted it. Had spent hours going over every program every school she was even remotely interested in offered, seeing what caught her attention, which professors seemed like they would be fun to work with, which ones she would avoid like the plague. Especially since whatever she chose she was going to be completing her school work almost entirely remotely, another perk of going through the agency.

Though that was another reason she was hesitating.

Her first go-around at MIT had been pretty easy, her most difficult task had been trying to fit in with the other students and while there'd been a few she had been on friendly terms for the most part she'd stayed to herself. Burying herself in her school work was part of the reason she'd been able to get her degree so quickly but she wasn't going to be able to take months off at a time anymore. Or at least if she could she wasn't going to. Even though she was now a lot more picky about the operations she went on Tess didn't want to stop going on them entirely- not only did she still feel the drive to do the work, she needed to do it. She was doing… better, relatively speaking, but it was still one of the few things that kept her sane.

Except it wasn't working the same anymore. It turned out she couldn't save herself by saving other people. But focusing on herself…

As wrong as it felt, that was something she could do.

It was something she wanted to do.

And as terrifying as that felt, as easy as it was to picture all the ways it could go wrong and as sure as she was that it was going to make the migraines she'd been getting more often lately even worse… She was going to do it. Not for the agency, or her team or even all the people whatever knowledge she learned would help. Tess was doing it for herself. Because it was okay to want.

It was okay to live.

Two Years Ago

She'd done it.

She had gotten her Masters.

Two actually, which everyone else thought was a lot more impressive than she did but the truth was Tess was just proud of herself for doing it in the first place. For not quitting all the times it got hard to balance schoolwork and operations, when the stress of doing both got so bad it had, albeit briefly, sent her to the hospital. That was actually the reason she wasn't going for a PhD, at least right now, to give her brain a very needed rest. But maybe one day.

It was easier to picture the future now she wasn't so scared of it.

She was still fucking terrified, there was a lot she was still hiding from, but she'd faced one of her fears.

And now she had two fancy degrees to throw in the face of anyone who doubted her. A Masters of Engineering in Electrical Engineering and Computer Science, specializing in bioelectrical engineering, and a Master of Science in Electrical Engineering and Computer Science specializing in artificial intelligence. The two were linked but the latter had been especially intriguing to her, and was proving to be incredibly useful. And that was what mattered. That she had the knowledge and the skills to do the work, whatever she decided that was. Did it bum her out that she was missing her graduation?

Yeah, a little. She could have made it, her team had been fierce about making sure they finished their operation in time and she was pretty sure if they could've gotten away with it they would have drugged her just to get her there, but she'd been just as adamant that at the end of the day walking across the stage was just ceremony. And as much as she loved them for wanting to be there for her, still… There were just too many people she wanted there who couldn't be that the pain of missing them would overshadow any pride. It was better to honour them with her actions, by continuing the fight, both to make the world a safer, better place, and to get herself back to the girl they'd loved. As much as that was possible. So today she would celebrate and tomorrow she would go back to work and after that… Who knew?

Life was looking a lot brighter these days.