Five Years Ago

He'd been taken.

All the times he'd gone into the field, be it the most dangerous military operations or the more simple but still hazardous police work, all the times he'd gotten injured doing both, it had taken a decade for someone to actually take him.

And she hadn't been there.

All the times he'd patched her up when her body was broken, talked her through nightmares, sleeping and waking when her mind had refused to let her rest, or when he'd just held her when her soul had been in pieces… All those times he had been there for her and she hadn't been there for him.

And Tess would never forgive herself for that.

For this.

Because she might have been waiting outside the hospital he was in for the past hour, and she would wait here a while longer, but she was not going inside. She couldn't. It wasn't safe yet, she wasn't safe yet and she would not compromise him, or the life he was building for himself. He was a Detective now, a member of the city's highest ranking unit and it didn't matter that his job put him in harm's way, didn't matter… It didn't matter that he would do it in a heartbeat, for her, Greg, for Lydia. She would not risk Jay. It was selfish of her, by far the most selfish thing she had ever done but she could not lose him. She would not lose him because if she did… If it did not kill her outright then it would kill everything he loved about her and that was just as awful. It was bad enough what she'd become just these past few months, another reason she didn't want to see him. Wasn't going to because fuck did her heart ache to; that tug had never been so painful and it wasn't the first time but for a moment she resented its strength, the only thing in the world that could match her.

Another pull caught her attention and she followed it immediately, confused and then heartbroken even more by the similarity until she saw who it came from. The man who had made the man she loved who he was. For better and for worse.

Pat Halstead's usual scowl was deeper than normal as he sat beside her on the bench, closer than she ever would have expected him to. The ten minutes they spent in silence before he spoke was very much on brand though. "You're not going in are you?"

"No."

If she'd had it in her Tess would have laughed at the disgruntled noise he made, he even looked at her sideways expecting it but she hadn't done that in months.

Didn't know if she ever would again.

There was silence for a bit longer and then he said something she never could have expected.

"I know you're not a contractor." Pat just nodded when her head whipped to his, giving her such a dad look that she nearly burst into tears. "It's not like either of you did a good job of hiding it- ya left footprints everywhere."

It wasn't a laugh that slipped out but some other noise that came from deep within her, a pain she couldn't cover or control and before she could understand what it meant that he knew, that he had always known he told her. In the most Halstead way possible. He just took her hand. Didn't look at her, just took it softly and when her hand trembled as she squeezed back he tightened his grip, as clear an answer as he could give.

It didn't mean anything.

Not to him.

But it did to her, a relief and a guilt that his presence both grew and soothed until he gave one more squeeze before finally letting go, not looking back even once as he headed inside. Such a Halstead move. Such a Pat move. But it worked. So with the imprint of his rough hand still in hers Tess stood, following his lead to not look back as she headed to her car. It wasn't time to come home yet, but one day it would be.

One day she would have her family back.

Three Years Ago

She wasn't going to make it.

It was bad enough that he was gone, and it did not give her any consolation that it had been a good end, that he had pushed that heart he fucking struggled to use to save a friend because he was still gone. She would never again get to yell at him, or be yelled at, no more ferocious fights or silent showdowns, no more grumbles or glares or secret knowing looks when someone managed to piss them both off at the same time. No more holding each other's hand when one of them was breaking. He was gone. Just like that. Just… gone. The fourth man she had loved like a father, the fourth she'd let down as a daughter and the second she had lost, an ache so devastating it felt like losing her parents and Lydia all over again. Another piece of her family gone.

He was supposed to have walked her down the aisle.

If they ever got there, if she ever got home, if Jay ever forgave her, she would have asked him to walk her down the aisle. Knew exactly how he would have responded, the blush he would have tried so hard to hide, waving her off even as his chest expanded with pride, the way Jay would mirror his reaction, both pretending like it wouldn't mean the world to them. And now that was another dream that would never come true.

And Jay…

It didn't matter that he had Will beside him right now because she was supposed to be there too. For both of them. She had promised she would be, the most important promise she'd ever made him after the first and she had tried so fucking hard to keep it but as soon as that announcement came over the loudspeakers she knew she wouldn't be able too and that… She wasn't aware she'd found a tiny supply closet to slip into until she had locked herself inside and only then, alone in the dark did Tess let what had broken in her take over, great heaving sobs that quickly brought airport staff, forcing her to shove it all back in once more.

She could still go, she wouldn't make the funeral but she could be there in the days after, could at least try to fix what she had broken but as she stared up at the flight board all she could think was that it didn't matter. It didn't matter what she did, didn't matter how hard she tried to make up for her failures. It wouldn't change anything. She was broken, right in her core and she would not dishonour her loved ones by asking them to fix her.

She didn't deserve it.