Present Day

The next time she woke was a lot nicer. No weights on her head or limbs or eyes, just one draped across her waist, pressed against the whole right side of her body but she knew even without waking that it was a good weight. How could it not be when it was so warm and smelled so good? Jay. It wasn't as hard to crack her eyes open this time but she wasn't in a rush, actually enjoyed getting to take her time to breathe him in, that soothing scent of moss and chocolate that so easily held back all the thoughts that automatically tried to rush her. She was always the most comfortable with him. The safest. With him as a buffer she continued to breathe, letting reality sink in one thought at a time.

The still quiet but also still very annoying beeping coming from her left meant she was still in the hospital.

The lack of grogginess in her head meant the anesthesia had likely worn off at least a few hours ago but since she was only just waking she must have really needed the extra sleep. Which meant she'd run herself down a lot more than she'd realized since she'd just spent a week doing little but. Then again how much had she really rested the last year?

The last six?

The subtle but persistent ache in her lower abdomen was a reminder of what all that stress had done to her, Dr. Charles' kind voice echoing through her mind she recalled what he'd told her. An ulcer. An ulcer so bad she'd had to have part of her gut removed. If she'd had a bingo card for everything she could have put herself through that would not have made the cut.

Being poisoned would have though.

It took a lot of concentration, because he was such a light sleeper, but eventually she was able to turn her head enough to look at the man beside her without waking him. The fact that Jay was in the bed instead of the chair where he could most easily monitor her meant it was night time, which the moonlight coming in from the window proved, and that she was doing well enough that he'd given into the urge to hold her. How much had she scared him? How much had she scared all of them?

How much had she scared herself?

A lot.

It was one thing to get hurt on an operation, whether it was in a fight or it happened accidentally, like tripping down a rocky slope or getting hit by a car while evading whoever happened to be chasing her, or occasionally, and most seriously in her opinion mistakenly getting in the way of some dangerous animal. It happened. It was expected. Even the mental work that went into dealing with the aftermath of their work was understood to be universal; Tess didn't know of a single operative who didn't deal with some level of PTSD and the whole host of symptoms that went along with it. It was natural for those operatives who were able to retire to become recluses, so out of touch with normal society, a society that could not handle their trauma that they chose to isolate themselves. To deal with their pain alone. But in all the stories she'd heard there hadn't been one about former operatives giving themselves an ulcer. Consistent joint pain? Unheard of to not have. Early onset Alzheimer's from an abundance of concussions? So normal it was tedious. Kidney problems from long term alcoholism? So common it was literally a part of their benefits plan.

But an ulcer? It probably wasn't as rare as she was thinking but it definitely wasn't the norm. But then she never did what was normal. In her youth that had been something she'd prided herself on but now…

Now it felt a lot lonelier.

Which was why she pushed closer to Jay, the ache in her chest lessening when he automatically, but still gently pushed himself further into her, his lips brushing against her temple as he hummed some soothing noises. He would make sure she got better. Would make sure she didn't put herself in this position again. Not that Tess wanted to put all that responsibility on him but it was nice to know that she could, a weight lifted off her shoulders to know that she would. That she wasn't as alone as she'd made herself believe, had made herself want to be.

That was what woke her the next time, the safety that he always provided slowly getting further away until she could no longer feel him, just that tug that told her he was okay, its strength showing that he was still nearby. Just not here.

But of course he hadn't left her alone.

"You would wake up the minute he leaves." Will said dryly when her eyes found his, shaking his head as he moved from his chair to stand beside her bed.

"I keep telling him to take advantage of it."

He snorted and shook his head again but he was smiling, clearly worried but that was a doctor's job. "How are you feeling?"

"Still a little tired, but also like I can't wait to get out of this bed."

"Well I'm sure we can arrange that. Soon." The elder Halstead amended and when his eyes flicked to the door, when his body angled towards it in a protective gesture she realized not all that worry was occupational.

"What's happening?"

His mouth opened, quick to tell her it was all fine but after a short hesitation he seemed to think better of it. Smart man. "He said that someone showed up to rub it in that you were sick so he went to deal with it."

Malcolm.

What a fucking prick.

"That's what Jay called him." Will said with a small snort before he took her hand. "He's not dealing with him by himself. Your friend Liam has had some of his… friends here, taking turns watching the waiting room; I'm sure they'll go with him."

It was perfect timing that one of them chose that moment to poke their head inside the room, which startled Will until she squeezed his fingers to let him know it was okay, Nate raising his hands before he grinned when he realized she was awake. "Jeff's got his back if anything goes sideways, but I doubt it will. I got this for you."

"A teddy bear?"

"Hospitals equal teddy bears." He said with a shrug as he passed her the little white teddy, with an adorable little purple flower crown, patting her foot before he gave Will a nod and stepped back outside to take up his new post.

So many people who loved her.

How could she have ever thought she was alone?

"Are you okay?"

Tess didn't understand Will's concern until instinct had her hand finding its way to her cheek and she realized she was crying. "It's just… a lot."

"Tell me about it." He urged softly, sitting back down but scooting his chair closer so he could still keep a hold of her hand.

The Halstead men and their handholding.

"I just… I knew the pressure I was putting on myself. I could feel it, though I never would've guessed it was going to lead to this. But I knew I was taking on too much. I just didn't know how not to. I still don't."

"I don't think any of us do." He said after a minute of silence, the same look of contemplation his brother had. "I've been a doctor for over a decade and I still don't know how to manage fighting for my patients while protecting my own wellbeing. And my license."

"And your license."

They shared a grin when she echoed the sentiment, just a beat late but in unison as they squeezed tighter. They still hadn't spent a lot of time together, they had two hectic schedules, three if they included Jay but she'd shared enough stories that he knew how much she understood that dilemma.

"We do the best we can. And we trust that the people we love will be proud of us for it. What?" She added when Will straightened, his eyes going both wide and soft, his mouth opening and closing a few times before he finally convinced himself to speak.

"Do you… remember telling Dr. Charles anything?"

Well that hadn't been what she'd expected but she quickly ran through her conversation with the older doctor, which was admittedly fuzzy thanks to all the drugs.

"He told me about what happened. And… I told him I knew I'd fucked up. That I can't keep going the way I have been. And I know he figured out the truth about me."

That seemed to surprise Will but based on his hesitation it wasn't what made him ask and after another minute, and a long look from her he nodded and straightened again. "He told us you told him to tell us that… That our mom sounded just the way you thought she would."

You tell them I love them, okay?

I promise.

"She loves you." Tess repeated, squeezing his hand when she heard his breath catch but otherwise staring into the distance, struggling to remember a conversation she swore she'd had even though she knew that was entirely impossible.

Maybe not entirely, she'd seen proof of the supernatural a few times, enough for her anyway, and the agency had actually proved astral projection in the eighties, but heaven wasn't something she believed in.

And yet it felt real.

Like she could her parents' arms were still wrapped around her, and Mary's and Pat's, their love a balm to her battered soul even as some phantom warning clanged in her mind. Love yes, always, but lies too. She just had no idea what kind.

"Things are going to get worse before they get better." She found herself whispering, feeling that ethereal sense of comfort when she looked into Will's eyes and saw his mother staring back at her.

"We can handle it." He said with the confidence of his father, the resolve of his brother as he used his other hand to cup both of theirs. "Together."

Together.

Him, and Jay, and her.

And each of their teams, all the people who loved them.

Together.