One Year Ago

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago this place had been her favourite in the world. A place where she had always been safe, always been loved, always laughed, where she had searched for fairies in the trees and tried to spot whales from the shore. Where she had learned to walk and talk and surf. Where she'd had her first crush and her first heartbreak, aches so simple she would give anything to go back to that time. When she walked away after dumping her parents ashes into these waters they had all loved so much she hadn't ever thought she would return, the grief so strong she hadn't been able to imagine ever making a good memory here again. It had taken her years, and a lot of trauma, but she had, had found peace in the home they had left for her, in the love that hadn't faded despite their absence, though its hold was softer now. Now this was a place she returned to when she needed to find her peace, when she needed to reconnect to her roots, to look back at where she came from so she could decide where she wanted to go. The only home she could come back to anymore.

But it wasn't working this time. She'd been here a month now, up and down the island as she tried anything, everything to settle herself but she was as lost as she had been since she'd arrived. As lost as she'd been since she'd lost yet another father. Another mother.

She should have died with them.

She should have died instead of them.

All of them.

So when Tess felt the ocean calling to her she went, ignoring the thunder that drowned out every thought in her head, ignoring the rain that pelted her almost to blindness, relying on the vibrant strikes of lightning that lit up the chaos. That was what she was. Chaos incarnate, wreaking destruction wherever she went, no matter how noble her intentions. So when she saw the wild waves that crashed against the shore she didn't hesitate to walk right into them, not even when they quickly knocked her to her knees. She just swam harder.

She wasn't trying to kill herself, that wasn't the thought that drove her, it just… it felt good to go up against a force that matched her. To feel the anxious energy that had lived ceaselessly in her limbs for the last five years slowly drain away as she fought those waves, just as strong beneath the water as they were above it. Stronger than her. They always had been and it felt right to let go and surrender to them, even tossed about as she was it was a release she hadn't expected to feel so liberating; there was no more anger, not even any fear. Not even when she realized she didn't know which way was up, or that she was so tired she wouldn't be able to find it. There was only peace.

And a bit of sadness.

This wasn't how she'd thought she would go. Wasn't how anyone had thought she would. Some of them would be pleased to find out, if anyone ever found her body to know what happened but everyone else, all those people she hadn't been able to bring herself to live for…

They would grieve her, fiercely.

Would blame themselves, needlessly but furiously.

And she didn't want that. And she didn't… she didn't want to never have cheesecake again. Or blow bubbles. Didn't want to never again curl up with a good book or get a tattoo or dance in her underwear. Didn't want to never see the stars, see sunrise or sunset. This wasn't the way she wanted to go.

She didn't want to go.

Regret rose up like a tidal wave and though her arms and legs screamed with the effort she forced them to move, forced her mouth to stay closed as the lack of oxygen finally kicked in to make her head scream too. If she was going to die here the least she could do was make it a fight, the one of her life and as if the water could hear her promise the next wave pushed her up, enough that she could gulp down a gasp of air. Enough that when she was slammed back down she felt invigorated to keep going, more determination surging through her when she started to feel sand beneath her toes; the waves didn't stop battering her, in fact the opposite, like the closer she got to shore the harder they hammered it home that fight was what she needed to do. Was what she'd been born to do.

It took every bit of strength and will Tess had to pull herself back onto the beach, just far enough so the surf wouldn't drag her back before she finally collapsed. Face down but after a couple more breaths she could roll over, relishing the rain on her cheeks before she let out a stunned laugh when she realized the storm was passing.

They always passed.

She had no grace as she forced herself upright, had to bury her feet in the sand just so she could brace herself against her knees but she wanted to watch it go. Wanted to watch the waters calm and the skies lighten just in time to see a ruby-gold sunset. To remind herself that the sun would rise again.

This wasn't the end.