Beyond Career and Ambition
Grace
Jack
Sam was going on a joy ride to see a Nebula. She was ecstatic to get up front and personal with something she could only hope to study from a distance. Yeah, a kid in a candy store happy.
And now she was 18 hours past due for contact, something must have gone wrong. And it's all my fault. I gave the okay to go. Have I ever refused her anything? And I provided the engine. They used the engine from the Al'kesh I appropriated. It wasn't big enough, they knew that. But they were so set on getting that ship off the ground they couldn't resist taking a chance. And it's all my fault. She wanted so badly to go and I could have said no.
always sticking up for you even when I know you're wrong*
Then it was nothing but frustration. Planet after planet, searching and finding nothing. I was angry and frustrated and afraid. Everyone was aware only Teal'c had the nerve to address it.
"When Colonel Maybourne and yourself were stranded off world, Major Carter felt a similar sense of frustration. She despaired at the thought of never seeing you again."
And then she was back. She saved herself and everyone on the ship. They limped to the next world with a Stargate and carried her home on a stretcher. I sat by her side willing her to open her eyes.
Now that she's back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation
Was it everything you wanted to find
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there*
Sam
I was talking to my father and he, in his own Jacob Carter way, was giving me advice. He knew of my desire for the thrill of flying a rocket into space, breaking the bonds of Earth's gravity, the exhilaration of new discoveries. What he didn't know was my fear of the dark void, the empty places between the stars, the fear of utter loneliness in space and in my heart.
Concussed, I guess I was hallucinating, it certainly couldn't be real.
By talking to my hallucinations was I really sorting things out that had been troubling me? Things I couldn't or wouldn't address in my conscious mind?
Was it everything you wanted to find
…looking for yourself *
I talked to my father.
And are you lonely looking for yourself*
And to Jack. (did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there*)
"I will always be there for you, no matter what. Believe me."
The Colonel left and his words and her fathers words kept repeating.
"You deserve more."
*Drops of Jupiter by Train
Gemini
After being resurrected from stasis Jack was given this job as commander of the SGC. Was it a reward? Or was it a punishment from fate for not staying dead.
He either couldn't sleep or had trouble in the morning getting out of bed. At lunch Daniel, looking a bit embarrassed, mentioned Carter needed to carve out some time in the afternoon to go on a cake tasting with the cop. And now cake lost its appeal, it actually turned to sawdust in his mouth.
Some days his gut was so firmly clenched he thought he was getting an ulcer trying to appear nonchalant when around Carter.
He couldn't wallow in his hurt feelings, he had a base to run. He had over a hundred officers and support staff dependent on him. And at times over nine billion or so souls were unaware while he did his best to keep them safe. It was time to get on with it, let things go. She had the right to live her own life.
And then those mechanical bugs transmogrified into a Carter look alike. And Sam trusted it, wanted to talk to it.
He knew better, he fucking knew better. So did Teal'c.
Jack had always, and rightly so, felt Carter was smarter than him. And because of that he usually acquiesced to her. However he had an intelligence that could not be measured by an IQ test.
It knew Carter was curious. This curiosity was beyond the excuse of getting information on the rest of that desecration's clan. Sam wanted to see herself as another saw her. And because of this curiosity and this need, it could manipulate her, just like she had manipulated that fool Fifth. Feed them what they want and they'll believe. And poor silly Carter was constantly underestimated and stupidly she underestimated the replicant of herself.
"I was made in Samantha Carter's image. I know what she knows. I feel what she feels." It said. And knowing this, it showed Carter how she was forced in her mind to kill O'Neill over and over again, until she gave in to Fifth. It showed Sam most graphically O'Neill was her chief weakness and let her view him being slaughtered over and over again. "Yes" it said that's how Fifth attempted to demean and debase her. It knew Fifth hated O'Neill for humiliating him but it knew too that he was jealous of O'Neill.
O'Neill had asked "You folks can feel pain?"
And it replied "I can feel a lot of things." And not one of those things was all sweetness and light. It knew deceit, manipulation. It knew to press weakness and use vulnerabilities.
"I was made in Samantha Carter's image." They're the same but they are not.
General O'Neill sat at his desk while Carter made her way to the Alpha Site to communicate with the Replicator.
That thing, it's just like with the first one, Reese, Daniel wanted to talk with it. Daniel wanted to be its friend and I wanted to blow it to hell as soon as it showed its true colors. And it was like that thing that invaded the base computers and Carter wanted to communicate with it. And look where it got her.
Fifth, with his hand in her head, learned what Carter thought and felt. But, as Carter said, Fifth was emotionally immature like an adolescent boy with feelings for her. Is that how she sees me, Jack wondered?
Fifth couldn't have Sam so he created his very own Carter.
The Replicator said it wanted to be destroyed. I say, give her what she wants.
They tell me I don't communicate well - or not at all.
When I see a threat I don't want to have a nice chat over tea and cakes. Maybe I'm not trusting enough. And maybe they are not wary enough.
Jack had wondered if Carter was seeking more than information about the Replicators. Was she trying for a deeper understanding of herself? Or a different perspective. And did she get more than she bargained for; was she played by that thing wearing her face.
He was angry. Angry that his men had been hurt, angry the Replicator got away and angry the weapon they had was now ineffective. He kept his anger from her. He told her again and again trying to convince her it wasn't her fault but she knew it was. There was no denying it.
The Replicator said "you're limited by your own fears. You play by the rules, you do as you're told and you deny yourself your own desires."
It was true.
The question was what did she truly desire. Was her true desire out of reach? Or should she grasp what was within reach.
Threads
If they were going to make this work Jack needed Sam to understand him. "You know this was never in my plan. When I first started out all I wanted to do was fly. I suppose I became a little ambitious. I was proud, gratified when others recognized my strengths and achievements, getting into officers training, receiving medals and commendations, rising in rank. Got serious about a career with marriage and family. Thought I'd reached the pinnacle heading a field team. Didn't see anything beyond that.
It was me putting myself first. I wonder if I was reckless with their love, if I was selfish? I enjoyed the danger, the excitement to their detriment, choosing the job over them."
"It was how you provided for them." Sam countered.
"When I achieved the rank of Colonel I was pretty damn proud of that. I was kinda amazed I got that far and was still somewhat ambitious. I wanted command. When everything fell apart and I went on that first mission to Abydos and I was retired…Career was gone, ambition was gone. Hope, hope was gone.
Then everything came together again. Career back and it's better than I could have hoped. As for ambition I've gotten further than I ever imagined or honestly wanted. And if I could stay in the field - that's where I'd like to be.
Now you, you have amazing potential. And I'm concerned this thing between us, will it ruin your assent through the ranks." He needed to know if she saw a problem in the start of a relationship between them, if she might regret the unforeseen consequences.
Jack continued when she didn't say anything. "But here and now - I don't want the office and the desk and all the damned paperwork that goes with it. But I owe it to them, the officers and airmen and women of the SGC, hell everyone on Earth - to do the best for them - to serve and protect them.
"That's a rather heavy burden to lay on anyone's shoulders." Sam said.
"Hammond did it."
"You want nothing more?" She asked.
"Don't get me wrong, Carter. I want it all and that includes you.
I'd throw it all away in a minute for a chance with you. I'm not indispensable. I want a life with you beyond the military, beyond our jobs, our ambition to rise in rank…but, if possible, including all that too. I want it all. With you. What'd say Carter?"
"You know, you're not going to believe this."
"Try me." Jack said.
"When I was marooned on the Prometheus, in the gas cloud, my dad said something about career and ambition."
"You were all alone." Jack thought he had the facts right.
"Yeah."
"Hallucination, concussion?"
"Yup. The point is, he said, or I said to myself, I needed to have someone in my life. A life, a full life beyond career and ambition. Not to be alone."
"To be loved and love in return." He said softly, looking at her with love and admiration.
"Why don't we see if we can make that happen." She asked.
"I'm on board."
"Okay."
That's all he needed - her consent.