Author's notes: Just a little story a friend and I wrote during the exam period to keep our sanity intact while we blazed through work. This makes no sense, and is "So stupid to the point it defied all logic and became both funny and maybe a little emotional as well." Hope you enjoy this monstrosity of a story!

Chapter 1 - Initiation

"Sir Regigigas, please be honest with me here, for my sake. Are you certain this is a good idea?"

"Fret not, Lady Arceus. They will not fail, I can assure you. Darkrai will be well-taken care of."

"Well, if you say so."

As the Alpha Pokémon reached for the door, Regigigas turned back to his five children, the lot of them staring at the ball of darkness cradled in a blanket of cloth before them, grey white smoke billowing out in endless plumes.

"Listen well, my children. This will be your opportunity to possibly be promoted to the status of Legendary, should you incur favour in the Lady's eyes. Apparently Dialga and Palkia have been acting out of sorts recently, having been damaging the fabric of reality with their arguments. This is quite unusual, but will likely take a while to resolve. Take good care of baby Darkrai while we attend the Legendary conference, do I make myself clear?"

Registeel, very uncomfortably, reached to pick up the gothic child. Why Arceus decided to design a kid whose only purpose was to grow up and deliver horrifying, never-ending nightmares to all who dared her domain was beyond even his supercomputer of a brain. But said brain was created as a part of Regigigas' extension of his own intelligence, so he complied.

The rest of the titans all nodded in agreement, though Regice's yellow dots flashed as she spoke.

"Father, can't Lady Arceus just let Darkrai immediately grow to adulthood, so we can simply ignore the child rearing procedure? I don't wanna be stuck here all night with these… plebeians."

"Theoretically, she could. But after the debacle with Giratina… Our last conference has decided that all newborns must be put through a great deal of education and training before maturing." Regigigas stared down, an unspoken silence lingering in the air as he reminisced. Shaking Giratina's metaphorical shadow off, the colossal titan patted his creations' heads. "As for your siblings, don't talk down on them. You are all created as equals to one another, there is none and will never be a power imbalance between you."

"But isn't Lady Arceus all-seeing? So why can't she be at both the conference and taking care of Darkrai at once? Does Lady Arceus even need to go, since she knows everything that can, has and will happen. Wait, what about Shaymin, and Cresselia? Who are taking care of th-"

"Please reserve your questions for now, my dear. The other children are in safe hands. Time is limited, so I cannot answer."

"I don't wanna do this!" Regice fussed, rubbing her hands with a pompous air of disgust.

"Tch! How lazy, you better hope Slow Start wears off before you get to the conference, if you even get there on time…!" Regieleki whispered, the golem chittered, electric sparks jumping from her body as she chortled at the jab.

"Father, you literally created me approximately thirty-two minutes and forty-seven seconds prior. I am not even fully completed and I am still adjusting to my fellow siblings' linguistics; I do not believe I possess the mental capability to take care of my own child." Regidrago, youngest of the titan quintet, flashed his navy dots in protest.

"Fret not, you have your other siblings with you, you will all do well tonight. I am certain." Regigigas lovingly stared at each of his creations' 'eyes', "We will be returning by 'morrow's light. Or longer, depending on what's caused Dialga and Palkia such an imbalance. Take good care of Darkrai until then."

And with that, Regigigas disappeared through the door and out of the Hall of Origin, shutting it quietly behind him with a click.

With their creator now gone, the five golems looked at each other, their featureless faces shining vibrant colours only perceptible to them and no one else.

"For starters, I think it may be in our best interest for you, Registeel, to cradle the child." Regice addressed the Iron Pokémon, who had pulled the baby off the desk and wrapped her in his lengthy arms.

"Suggestion. That decision appears unwise, my internals are comprised of hardened magma. My 'flesh' is cold and unyielding. Which is unsuitable for child rearing. I request on behalf of the group to provide logical reasoning behind your order."

"Well, I doubt the kid would survive being close to Eleki, due to the constant stream of energy she emits." Regice explained, "Drago has no arms and Rock would probably crush her. No offence, of course." She patted Regirock's head with a patronising huff. He merely nodded, not responding to much. "I don't want to touch it. Leaving you as the most probable candidate to take care of the child."

"I see, your reasoning is… horrid. But given the circumstances, I will proceed with what must be done."

"Jeez, not everyone's gotta speak and act like a supercomputer." Regice sassed. Registeel let out what can only be described as a computer's version of a hollow laugh.

Without any further plan on how to take care of a child, the titans moved from their spot by the front door to the Hall's living room.

It was near desolate, since almost every other Legendary and Mythical Pokémon were out for the conference. And those that were too young were being babysat by others outside of the Hall, so the quintet of golems had the entirety of the Hall of Origin all to themselves.

Regieleki squeezed herself onto one of the bigger beanbags in the room, while Regice sat on the other side, far from Regidrago, who simply floated in a corner and continued to eye the child with undisguised interest. Regirock sat on the floor, and Registeel pulled up a chair, still begrudgingly carrying Darkrai.

"At least the kid's not causing us any trouble as of yet." Regieleki stated, pressing into the beanbag to leave oblong shapes with her arms.

"... . .-.. .-.. - ನಾನು ಹೇಗೆ säätämällä Sprachkonfigurationen ⠥⠓⠍ 𓀂𓀇𓀉𓀍𓀠𓁀𓁂𓀱𓁉𓀿𓀪𓁶𓂧𓂮𓂫𓃹." Regidrago coughed, before his voice flitted through a dozen more languages, each varying in pitch and pace until an eerie, droning voice was what came from the giant's nonexistent mouth, "I wouldn't speak so soon if I werest Thou, children Art well-equipped with a listeth of objectives which we must fulfileth."

"You could've decided on any possible voice, and you chose that?" Regieleki's chipper, almost ecstatic voice contrasted heavily with Regidrago's. Though considering the golem was nearly constantly generating immeasurable amounts of electrical energy every other second, her squeaky voice sounded appropriate.

"I shan't bend to the wills of linguistic drift," Regidrago replies, "I speak the ways of a time where its peasantries then showcase more class than that of nobility now."

Regieleki huffed and was about to retort, but Registeel's monotonous, robotic voice broke through.

"Regardless, child rearing is a difficult task. I suggest that we define a list of possible requirements the child may possess. Proceeding action?"

"Unfortunately, we gotta," Regice grabbed paper from a desk behind her, using her rotating limbs to bring it around without even moving from her spot. "Someone get me a pen."

"Okay, so the kid needs water, I think that's what all living organisms need, sans us. Of course." Regice tapped the ballpoint pen to her body, partially freezing the tip of the lid.

"Shelter is taken care of, but how are we gonna put it to bed? I don't think Arceus spawned any cribs for the lil' fella," Regieleki lounged in the beanbag. "Also, do any of y'all have, like, a built-in music box or something to lull it to sleep in case it wakes up? I heard babies like lullabies from Rayquaza the other day. Or at least Groudon and Kyogre do, but they aren't babies anymore, are they?"

"Given the amount of times they fight on a daily basis, it would be hard not to classify them as anything but!" Regice snorted at her own joke.

"Joke acknowledged. Laughter simulated. Ha. Ha. Ha." Registeel replied sullenly, shifting in his seat rather grumpily.

"F'rget not the food which the young one desires," Regidrago bleeped, the other four titans stared back at him, each flashing the pattern on their face quizzically. "Although I feareth yond I am too young f'r this task, I doth not bethink its strength is powerful enough to consume solid food yet, so we shouldst blend 't."

"Can you just speak normally? Your lack of grammatical accuracy is absolutely crippling my ears." Regice cited, gaining an affirmation from the nearby Registeel, the child crooned in his arms and he dexterously stroked the baby with one of his lithe fingers. "Which is saying a lot - because I have none."

"That's coming from you - little miss I'm-too-good-for-you. But now that I think about it, so far only Regice and I can speak normally, we really don't need another titan who actually has a functioning voicebox with speech impediment issues."

"ün ün ün."

"Yes, we know," Regice said to Regirock, "Regigigas hasn't fixed your voice yet. But honestly, it was funnier the first time around. I think the joke's been overdone at this point, and you know it."

"ün ün ün… 𝔼𝕩𝕔𝕦𝕤𝕖 𝕪𝕠𝕦."

"Would it be plausible for us to return to the matter at hand?" Registeel soothed Darkrai as best he could, though the steel robot seemed about as caring to the child as one would to roadkill.

"Right, right, right. Drago, you said the little one needs food, correct?"

"That I did. And blended, too. I doth believe it can chew."

"That's easy!" Regieleki flew over to the kitchen and came running back with a blender in tow. Ignoring the outlet where the TV was plugged, she stuck the cable directly into herself, her body buzzing with electricity as the metallic blades whirred to life, "Okay, dump the kid in." She stated.

"Uh… nay, I hath said to blend the food, not the child." Regidrago repeated, shrinking back, clearly uncomfortable with the notion.

"What you were in the process of enacting would be infanticide. And also extremely illegal." Registeel cast a judgemental glance, his red eyes aglow with a murderous tinge.

"I was just joking! Y'all are so boring!" Regieleki dumped the blender to the side, where it clattered against the floor, smashing into the hazel coloured table the TV resided on.

"卄ㄩ几Ꮆ尺ㄚ…"

"Sadly, you're correct." Regice continued to scribble, "We do need food for it - Regirock, be a dear and check the fridge for any milk and berries, will you? And Eleki, get the blender - we may need it after all."

Regirock stepped away silently, while Regieleki prepared to plug the blender back into herself, Registeel stopped her.

"Please follow the proper procedure and blend the food in the kitchen!"

"No fun…" She muttered as she dragged the device away.

"I bethink the babe needeth to catch but a wink too, unlike us." Regidrago peered over Regice's list.

"Sorry, what?" She swivelled around on the spinning chair. "Why have you made speaking like an outdated mediaeval peasant your whole personality?"

"The same way you've madeth being a pricketh your personality." Regidrago admonished, Regice let out a gasp, sounding incredibly offended.

"Calm yourselves. I believe he is referring to the biological processes in which an organism's brain wave activity lowers and they enter a resting cycle to restore energy. I would not know - as I do not engage in such activities."

"Yeah, none of us do, hotshot." Regice wheeled the chair over to Registeel,

"So when do you suppose it's gonna need to sleep?"

"Most organisms of its age sleep up to twelve hours or longer - if it is to wake at eight in the morning, a recommended sleeping schedule would be between seven-thirty pm to eight."

"Ok, Drago. Go and… get a crib ready, I think that's what the kid's supposed to sleep in. We'll put the little one in once it's bedtime." Regidrago hovered off to the bedrooms, the door moulding into a larger silhouette to fit his size.

"How are things holding up on your end, Steel?" She cast an electrical signal reminiscent of a playful wink at the iron giant, which went completely ignored.

"Despite my wealth of data in the behavioural patterns often demonstrated by the young and inexperienced. This organism has currently been particularly quiet and reserved in spite of our constant banter, not once producing mucus or any eye water in an action often referred to as 'crying'."

"I feel like such jokes only go so far, buddy. It was funny when you pretended to be a supercomputer for… what? The first twenty or so times? Now it's just bland and overdone."

"You are incorrect in your assumption. One, all five of us possess greater programming than anything this primitive world has yet to uncover. Two, I am indeed feeling a change in my metallic heart. I am feeling… 'empathy'. And a need to protect and nurture the child. All are necessary understandings a caretaker must have for their children."

"… Whatever you say, pal. Just keep the kid quiet, I suppose." Regice continued to look unamused.

There was a whirring sound coming from the kitchen, before a thud and explosion followed by a 'shit' erupted down the hallway.

A lightly smoking Regieleki came hopping into the living room, placing a tray of mashed up berries and a carton of milk off to the side. "It would have been so much cooler if you guys just let me blend the baby."

"Ün." Regirock chided, Regieleki gave a sheepish grin.

"Yeah, I know it was stupid to stick the blender into maximum overdrive by literally sticking it into my arm but the food's done, okay?"

"Ün."

"What, no. Don't tell them that! That's fucking embarrassing!"

"Ün."

"Yeah, I'm real glad Regigigas hasn't fixed your stupid old voice box yet. So how are we gonna feed this thing? It doesn't look hungry to me."

The giants peered over Registeel's arm, the child was comfortably cosy, occasionally opening a blue eye to look at them, and nothing more. "Perhaps it'll cry out when it wants food. Just leave the mushy stuff on the table for now." Regice hummed, "Is it asleep, by the way?"

Registeel shook his head, "We may need to apply our vocal cords to form a comforting song in order to lull the organism to sleep. Considering the time, which has nearly struck eight."

"Ün?" Regirock tapped his 'chin' thoughtfully, before coughing a few times.

"He's right. We aren't exactly opera singers, neither are we qualified parents. How are we gonna get a lullaby for it?" Regice slid over to a bookshelf, before realisation hit her, literally. It was a pretty picture book with a colourful Vivillon over its cover. "Ah, a children's book! That'll be useful."

"Perhaps I will read a story for her." Registeel reached up with one arm to grab the book, "That has been known to put fleshlings to sleep."

Regidrago appeared by the doorway, "The deed is done, I did secure the crib, though I cannot bringeth it down as I doth not possesseth arms."

"Very well, I will bring the child upstairs," Registeel trod past Regidrago and headed for the stairs, disappearing through the doors. Regidrago moved to join his other brethren.

"By the way, Regigigas mentioned something about that little shit possessing 'some great power' or whatever, so keep an eye out for that, yeah?" Regice received an affirmative hum from Registeel, suffice to say, it was good enough for her.

"Now that that's taken care of, who's up for a game of Poké-Monopoly?" Regieleki buzzed and reached to pull a board game abandoned under the table, the dust particles clinging onto its sides for dear life, indicating the lengthy time since the game was last played since it was ditched for Unown-UNO.

The Hall of Origin was a… unique location, to put it in human terms. Unyielding to the drifting of space nor time, powers of celestial beings were at play. Allowing for anomalies abound. Items and objects technologically beyond the age of humans could be manifested with ease. As Regigigas put it, of course, none of the titans bothered to listen, except Registeel. But their main (and only) take away from the mind-numbingly long lesson was that as the flow of time and space ceased to apply, they could theoretically pull whatever they wished into existence. Despite its existence possibly jarring the flow of time normally, it wouldn't matter here - so their only limitation was that of their creativity.

"Eleki, why are you purchasing all the brown spaces? They're barely worth squat!" Regice questioned, Regieleki, unperturbed, moved her character over the brown property tiles.

"It's a good strat, okay? I heard about it on Bulba-something wiki that it's a key to winning!" She chirped, watching with delight as Regirock's figure landed onto her space. "Hahaha, more people I can put into debt! Now cough it over, bucko!"

"[ł] 𝔥άⓣᵉ ץo̸̦̺͑̏Ꮼ." Regirock's malfunctioning voicebox replied, annoyedly shoving a fitful of cash into Regieleki's face, who flicked through the dough gleefully, checking every penny.

"Now that puts me in first place. What did I tell you, Ice?"

"Don't rub it in." Regice glared, nearby, Regirock gave a similar expression.

"เ ＷⒾｌL 🆄🆂🅴 e𝐀ｒтℍợยα𝐤ε."

"Wilt I remindeth thee yond the game is still ongoing even but now." Regidrago rolled his dice, counting the numbers to move his figure. Very nearly landing onto the brown properties as well.

"Oooooh, crisis averted, eh?" Regieleki nudged his side. Regidrago suppressed a faint shiver.

Regice prided herself on a lot of things, one of which was being quite intelligent - she was a supercomputer built out of nothing but ice in an archaic age where the discovery of computers, let alone the code needed to program one as intricate as her, was practically aeons away. So when Registeel was still nowhere to be found after their four rounds of getting smashed by Eleki, she figured something was up.

"Darn, four rounds and we've barely gone past GO." Regice muttered to no one but herself. She eyed the empty seat around the couch beside her, "Four rounds so far and Registeel hasn't shown up either…" She murmured, this time louder so the others could hear her.

"Maybe his supercomputer brain superheated itself while he was reading the kid that story?" Regieleki piqued up, wrapping her electrical tendrils around the dice. "Don't know how it would happen, but it'd be cool to see him all red and melted and… stuff."

"Shouldst we wend and checketh in on that gent?" Regidrago prepared to stand up, but Regieleki hushed him back down.

"... Nah, I'd rather go for another round!" Regieleki threw her dice into the air, "Come on number six. Let's get it! Woohoo! More property for me, haha!" She cheered, flaunting the cash Regirock had begrudgingly forked over as she purchased another plot of land.

"I ɯιʂԋ Vιƈƚιɳι ɯαʂ ԋҽɾҽ ƚσ ɯιρҽ ƚԋҽ ʂɱυɠ ʅσσƙ σϝϝ σϝ ყσυɾ ɱυɠ."

And so the quartet continued with their leisurely activities. Though it wasn't until the tenth round, when everyone had gotten rather bored of continuously losing to Regieleki, for curiosity in Registeel's disappearance to really climb.

"Wow, maybe Father was right. This job's totally easy! If being a babysitter means I can just sit around and play board games all day, I wonder why there aren't many people doing it?"

"It's because there's something wrong, toaster brain!" Regice growled, standing up from her beanbag, now covered in a thick sheen of frost. "I'm going upstairs, it can't have taken him over an hour and a half to have that thing asleep by now."

Hovering above ground, the Iceberg golem floated up the staircase and into the hallway, and instantly felt something off.

For one, although she was not originally aware of the room the child was housed in, the creeping sensation coming from the second door to the right certainly notified her of the issue. Beneath the light, strange, dangling shadow tentacles danced like demons from the beyond. An ominous grey and white colour bathed the entire hall, as if suffocating it in some unseen nightmare…