I have a small request. I'll add this at the end too, but just so I know that you guys read or were here on this page, please leave your favorite Julie and the Phantoms song in the comments. Feel free to comment on whatever else as well, this is just kinda personal, I'd just like to see more comments. This is a judgement free request, I'm honestly just curious. All my friends have different favorites, and I'd really like to know what my readers think. I don't think there's a single bad song in the entire show, so I'll definitely respect your answer. Thx and enjoy! :)
"Are you guys ready for your first Christmas back? I have a ton of things planned for us to. . .'' Julie's voice trailed off as she walked into the studio. Pindrop silence. "Guys? Luke? Alex? Reggie?" A sniffle followed by a muffled sob came from the loft, and Julie climbed the stairs to see who was up there. What she found was both the most adorable and the most heartbreaking thing she'd ever seen.
The guys were all cuddled up together on the beanbag chairs, as close as physically possible. Alex and Reggie were holding Luke who was wrapped up in Alex's pink hoodie and curled into the tightest ball he could make himself into, with his head buried in Alex's shoulder. He was shaking and his brothers were trying to comfort him.
The drummer looked up when he saw Julie and gave her a small smile. "What happened?" She mouthed to him.
"This was the day he ran away. You know, before . . . everything." Alex whispered back.
Another choked noise came from where Luke was and he looked up at Julie, his eyes red and puffy and his face tearstained. "That was the last day I ever spoke to her." His voice came out as not more than a whispery rasp and it shattered her heart into a thousand pieces. She rushed over and Reggie moved over to give her some space to sit. She slipped her arms around Luke's shoulders and he immediately accepted the embrace, falling into her open arms.
Julie felt his tears soak her shoulder as he mumbled, "I wasn't even talking to her. I was just yelling and she was yelling back and I got mad and she got mad and I grabbed my stuff and my guitar and she was trying to stop me and I just ignored her and got on my bike and left and then I never got to say sorry because I didn't have the guts to talk to her so I wrote Unsaid Emily cause music's just easier for me but I never got to give it to her cause I was an idiot and died and killed my brothers with me and I'm so so sorry for everything I said that day and everything I did after that and I really wish I'd gotten to talk to her but now I can't and every time I see a Christmas tree or hear Christmas carols or anything Christmas really all I can see is her face and how upset and disappointed she'd looked when I ran off and how I should've listened to her and given up music and just become an accountant or whatever so that I couldn't do a stupid thing like make us eat poisoned hot dogs and kill us and I can't just pretend to be fine anymore cause I'm not cause everything's my fault and I don't deserve your love and care because I'm so so stupid and I ruined everything and I -" He cut off his rant with a sharp gasp and burst into a new round of sobs.
Tears had formed behind Julie, Reggie, and Alex's eyes. Luke was always such a positive person, always cheering everyone on and giving them support. Since they had come back to life, he hadn't missed a single one of Carlos' baseball games, and he was always the one cheering the loudest. He had held his brothers when they were struggling with their own family problems, never saying a word about his own. He had let Julie breakdown into him on the anniversary of her mother's death. He'd always been such a strong person, and for the first time, Julie was realizing maybe he had been taking care of them at his own expense.
And Julie had no idea what to say to make it better. Luke was already so deep into his feelings; he'd obviously been bottling this up for a while. Seeing the Christmas stuff must have been the thing that finally snapped the already wearing thread. Julie thought she knew what Luke was going through, but apparently, he hadn't opened up even the slightest fraction of what she thought he had. His thoughts went so much deeper, he had analyzed this so much more than she had expected. It almost seemed like he blamed himself for the guys' deaths. And as much as she loved Luke, she wasn't sure exactly what she could do.
Julie looked up at Alex and Reggie and saw an expression of heartbreak on their faces that mirrored her own. Their eyes held a different pain though, as they looked down at their best friend like he was a stranger. They'd known him since kindergarten, they'd literally died for each other, it must've hurt knowing that their brother didn't feel safe opening up to them. She pulled Luke closer to her and felt him slip his arms around her waist. His sobs faded into broken whimpers as he buried his head in her loose curls.
"Why didn't you tell us?" Luke tilted his head and blinked at Alex through raw red-rimmed swollen glassy eyes. "We would've understood. We would've helped. You know we would've. We've been inseparable since we were five, Luke. I don't get why you always have to be so reserved. We're here for you. We always have been. Why do you always assume you're by yourself?" Alex's cracked voice was becoming a shout and Reggie had to hold him back as Luke flinched at the anger in his tone and began crying slightly harder. When he spoke, there was a hiccup in his voice.
"I just thought - You guys spent so much time when we were alive making sure I was okay, playing Unsaid Emily with me whenever I wanted just so I was okay, you did whatever I wanted just so I was okay, and I ended up getting us killed, so I figured, if I stopped being so selfish and putting so much importance on me and put it on you instead,, we'd have a better chance of living this time."
Alex swallowed sharply and his breathing was shaky. He opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out, and he focused his efforts on furiously wiping away the tears that were now streaming down his cheeks.
Luke let his head drop back onto Julie's shoulder and snuggled in as close to her as he could. Her hair was getting wet, but she didn't care. "I miss her so much. And Dad. I miss them so much, Julie. It hurts so much."
Julie looked up at Reggie to see his reaction. He knew how Luke was feeling, so did Alex. They both had to be feeling the same. And she knew too. She knew so well. She knew exactly how painful the memories could be.
"I know, Luke. Every day, I sit here and wish I could've had just one more day with my mom. One last chance to say sorry for everything I did, to tell her how much I appreciate her, to tell her how much I love her." He started shaking again, and she cupped his face, angling it towards her. He looked so small, like a little kid who's ice cream had fallen off the cone. His eyes held a faraway look, like he was being hit with every memory he had of his mom. He hadn't stopped shaking, and now it was almost violent. Julie was struggling to keep him in her arms and Alex and Reggie enveloped him as well, trying to keep him still.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm being selfish again. You guys are all worrying so much about me. You shouldn't have to worry about me."
"Luke." Reggie caught his hand. "That's not how love works. You get to worry about us, but we don't get to worry about you? How fair does that sound? You're a human being, too. You deserve the same care, the same love, the same protection as everyone else. It shouldn't be a double standard. Who was there for me when my parents' fighting got so bad I couldn't stay at home?" At the answering silence, he looked at Julie who unwrapped herself from Luke to give the boys better reach. Alex and Reggie curled up on either side of him and she sat across from them, giving them some space. "Luke. Luke, look at me." When he finally had the eyes of the younger boy on him, Reggie smiled softly and pulled their intertwined hands against his chest. "Answer my question. Who was there to hold me when my parents' fighting got really bad?"
Luke breathed in and mumbled out a small, "Me."
"Whose house did I stay at when I couldn't take the noise anymore?"
"Mine."
"Whose stuff did I borrow when I was too scared to go home?"
"Mine."
"Who was the first person I ever came out to?" Alex cut in.
"Me."
"Who came with me when I wanted to come out to my parents?"
"Me." Understanding began to dawn on Luke as he realized what his brothers were trying to say.
Reggie let a small smile slip onto his face and glanced at Alex, who seemed equally encouraged. He kept going though, to preserve their progress. "Who held me when my parents kicked me out of the house?"
"Me." A sliver of confidence entered Luke's voice.
"Who sat with me through the night when I was too restless to sleep, even though he had a major biology test that he needed to pass the next day or otherwise he would fail the class and need to repeat the grade and wouldn't graduate with us?" Julie almost laughed at the detail in Reggie's question. And so, it seems, did Luke.
"Me."
"Who held my hand and helped me when I was suffering from panic attacks and nightmares and then made fun of me relentlessly afterwards but still waited up all night to make sure I was alright?" Alex asked.
"Me. It was all me."
"Luke, you've always taken care of us. I can't think of a single time when you haven't. Remember, in the second grade, I fell off the merry-go-round and broke my wrist? I had to get surgery, so I stayed in the hospital, and you came over the next day, with your lunch box filled with those cookies that I loved, and said that you snuck them out of your mom's jar just for me." Reggie laughed as he recollected. How he had managed to fall off the merry-go-round was beyond him. How he'd managed to break his wrist was another mystery.
"Yeah, and in sixth grade when all the guys at school were teasing me for wearing pink, you stood up for me and said that pink was the best color in the rainbow and threatened anyone that ever said otherwise after that." Alex chuckled at the memory. Poor eleven year old Luke. He must've forgotten that pink isn't a color in the rainbow.
Julie must've noticed that too, because a second later, her brows furrowed in confusion and she asked, "Since when is pink a color in the rainbow?" And that succeeded in making Luke laugh.
He reached out and grabbed her hand before saying, "It isn't. But they didn't need to know that." The corners of Julie's lips turned up in the fondest smile Alex had ever seen on anyone at the sincerity in Luke's voice. Of course, his threats hadn't done anything to stop the teasing, Luke was about as menacing as a sleeping kitten, but they'd made him feel safe nonetheless.
The band looked at each other for a moment, before Reggie reached out and pulled them into a big hug, not unlike the one they'd shared after the Orpheum. And just to stay true to the moment, a soft golden glow surrounded them, filling them with warmth and comfort. That happened a lot when the four were all in contact with each other - and rather than being something that they marveled at, it was something that felt inherently right.
Luke was the first to pull back. He sniffled and swiped at his cheeks, brushing away the remaining wetness. "Thank you," he said, meeting each of their eyes.
Alex reached out and clasped his shoulder. "Of course, man. We're here for you, I mean it. But you've gotta let us take better care of you. You can't be scared that we're going to judge you, or that we're going to think you're selfish, cause we won't. I promise."
Reggie nodded in agreement. "Yeah. I mean, if you start opening up to us, we'll be happy for the chance to help you. But Lucas Patterson, if you ever hide anything from us ever again, EVER, I mean eVeR, I swear I'll make you wear sleeves for a month, the ones you really hate, that go to your elbow -" He was cut off by a shout from downstairs.
"Guys? Hotdog? Jules? Luke? Reg?"
"Up here, Wils!" Alex called back.
"Alex, Carlos and Ray are waiting for us to start decorating the cookies. Also, Flynn and Carrie are here. And Kayla."
"Ooh, Kayla's here!" Reggie immediately jumped up from his spot and clambered down the wooden staircase to the base of the studio. "KAYLA!" He cried, rushing out of the studio dramatically, earning another chuckle from Luke. Julie's heart swelled at that, she was so glad he wasn't upset anymore. She smiled at him, and he held her gaze, squeezing her hand a little tighter.
Alex glanced over at the pair, and smirked slightly. "I'll give you guys a little space. Don't take too long . . . oh, whatever you're not listening anyway." He quickly followed behind Reggie, scrambling down the stairs and pulling Willie out of the studio with him. As soon as he was gone, Julie got up and shifted over so she was curled up into Luke's side. He slipped his arm around her and looked down at her face, only to find her gaze already focused on him.
"Luke, are you sure you're okay?"
"Boss, I already told you, you don't need to worry about . . ." At the look on her face, he trailed off and quickly switched sentences. "I'll be fine. I'll get through it. I think I was just holding everything back, and it all just sort of exploded over everything right now."
"Well, I'm here for you, okay? I know you have your brothers and now my dad and everyone, but I love you, and I want you to feel comfortable around me. Safe."
Luke leaned back in and buried his face in her soft hair yet again. "I do. I do feel safe around you, Jules. I feel safer around you than I have around anyone in a long time. It's just . . . a lot to process and work through in five minutes. And I guess I just really wish I could talk to my mom again. She was always so patient with me and my ADHD up to the point of music. She would always help me with everything, and when I was feeling bad, I wasn't even embarrassed about it, she was the one I would talk to. I just, I don't know how everything got so bad. I don't how it got to the point of running away."
"Yeah, I know. And if it's any comfort, just remember, she did hear your song." A smile appeared on his face, and he nodded. "They have that closure. They know how much you loved - love - them. And you know how much they love you. Sometimes, you just have to try and live with that. It's so hard, knowing that I'll never really get to talk to my mom again. But I need to let it go and forgive myself for the mistakes I made. Not noticing sooner, not helping more, not being there more, not being there when she . . . passed. It all happened and I can't take it back, but I can move on. I have to focus on the things I do get. My music. My family. You guys. There's so much I still have and if I focus on what I've lost, I'll lose that too." Luke's eyes became wet with tears again, and Julie was suddenly worried she'd said the wrong thing. But he chuckled and shook his head, standing up and pulling her into a hug.
"You always know exactly what to say. I just - that's exactly what I've been doing, isn't it? I haven't been forgiving myself for my mistakes. But I can't unmake them. I can just try and make up for them."
"And you already have, so much, with Unsaid Emily. It's beautiful and it showed them how much you truly regretted what you did. And now they know that you loved them so much, that you didn't mean what you did, and they've forgiven you. It's time for you to let go. It's time for you to forgive yourself. Until you do that, no progress has really been made." When she realized the lyrics fit perfectly, she began to sing a familiar song, slightly twisting the lyrics, because how better to get through to Luke than through music, and the moment he heard her angelic voice, he immediately felt a billion times better.
You use the pain, cause it makes you you
And I'm ready to hold you through it
I know it's not the same, you've got living to do
And I'm here so that you can do
Get up, get out, relight that spark
You know the rest by heart
Wake up, wake up, if it's all you do
Look out, look inside of you
It's not what you lost
It's what you'll gain, raising your voice to the rain
Julie was cut off by the softest press of Luke's lips against her own. They were gone quicker than they were there, but she didn't need him to kiss her longer. She knew what he was trying to say. "Ready to go?"
He smiled and nodded. She turned around to head down the stairs, but he caught her hand, stopping her for a second. "Hey, Jules?"
"Hmm?"
"I love you, too."
She laughed softly and pecked his lips gently before pulling him along with her back to the house so they could have their share of the Christmas spirit with everybody.
IMPORTANT NOTE: PLS PLS PLS remember to leave your favorite Julie and the Phantoms song in the comments! Thx! :)