CW: Depression, Self-Harm, Attempted Suicide

This is an unrealistic depiction of depression.

EP 06: Song Of Prayer

I still see that Eevee sometimes
The young Leafeon, curled tail with short neck fluff, bouncing down the street with spotted paws
Never saw what her house looked like
Never heard what her name sounded like
Usually it's the late evening when every kid's gone home, she'd sneak by the Sentret
They had the little ones for those without arms, tucked in the corner
And she'd sit on that rusty swing set
Swinging back and forth, flying through the air
Watching the moon talk with the stars
Sometimes, she wished that's all it was
Just her and the night sky
Swinging back and forth
Flying through the air
All alone

I woke up with eyes ready to close
The hay feels no colder than the floor, the curtains don't blow
Dawn seems no brighter than the new moon, roses wilt and dress the dark
This world's not done with me yet
But I know the dust still settles
Shadows flicker, and I can't stay asleep forever
So let me see what Arceus has left to offer

First time I'm in the room was with a Grumpig
I sat with an Umbreon, lens in my bag
They found her outside the infirmary, no major injuries, only an inquiry
For some food and water, for her and her partner
This heap of wood wished it had enough but I tried my best
Underneath the shattered roof, enough space for a bed
No root, but some fruit I did have, two orans and an apple
Umbreon taught her the floors and doors, where the stash was just in case
Two nights later, came back, top floor filled with rubble
Shards of glass, tattered cloth, untouched forage but less of them
Blurry reports, hazy image, no distinct face
Only a trail of hues
A discerned black and purple
Umbreon felt guilty, wet the old parchment
The door's wide open
I told her it's not worth it, trust is fragile, tough to swallow
The old dilemma
Best to forgive only when light is present

Next time in the room, I was told
They found an explorer from the dungeons, a Sneasel with
A scar on the left eye, mangled fur, whining
Screaming, shouting, scratching the door
Clearly agitated, confused, a black mirror
But I was ready, brought my bag, seeds on my side
And when I came over and looked at him in the eye
Flashed three strikes of metal, and then a scratch to the face
Asked what's wrong with him, he told me I'm a bitch
Told him to calm down, he told me 'go fuck yourself'
Tore the door open and rushed back to the woods
Leave his ass to die, with blood trickling I thought
Half-buried, half-dead, yet somehow not enough
Takes a special breed to want your name in the logs
The nights reduced to a headache, scabs and bandage
Back touching the floor, one eye the ceiling, the other in tape
Next time I heard of him was through the Umbreon
Handed me a badge, registered with a pair, no likely backups of any records
Safe to assume the other one now belongs
To the sprawling chambers
The same cave he ran back to
Life or death, toss of a coin
Pull the same tether, side by side
Blind to fate
We walk the same road

Last time I went by myself
Another rescue from the dungeons, a weak Delcatty from the old world, they didn't tell me
No reason to spare me, just one eye can't scare me, quietly entered the room
Huddled over the corner, shaking and crying, a sniffling mess
He wouldn't talk, so I nudged him, shared thoughts with him, he wouldn't talk
Came by every wake, gave him time to make, he wouldn't talk
Sent Umbreon my personal schedule, gave my best effort
Promise the heart that I could give, that I could keep
The word I gave to the world, flush the banks of debt
I've owed my life to, grant the chance to prove
That I'm not a waste of nurture to the sower I've searched
The souls that still deserve the luck they were given
And the luck I was given, to teach them the love I've learnt
And yet the skies remain gray
And the trees grow taller yet
And the canopies cast the shadows vast
Past the cave and past the waters, the room draws farther
Of scattered seeds across the floorboard
And an empty bed
Eyes staring
But hear not a single word
Umbreon told me to go back, but I didn't
The lake was nearer than I expected
Left the path, and saw on the grass, a familiar shape
Saw a white cloth draped over his own face

This world's not done with me yet
Pulling on me, kneading the heart
I know that feeling for a fact
I knew that a long time ago
That feeling you get when you've overstayed your welcome
Like the blank stare from a 'mon you know
Maybe you've done something wrong or something different
Or maybe you just haven't done enough
I always knew Dialga hated my gut
That Arceus turned a blind eye and never bothered
But I thought I could just keep going
Despite everything, carry the prayer I never whispered
Until now
The damned Leafeon, never deserved a sigh
Never once an effort, never cared enough, never tried enough
The weak Leafeon, the miserable Leafeon, shameless, meaningless, fruitless
What has she to show, what has she that they haven't?
A dead eye for the works, dead body for a first
Self-proclaimed angel, thought she was special
Attractive centerpiece, complete fucking failure
Signs were clear before the skies grim, but never really followed
Footsteps in the halls, door knocks every night, calling out the coward
The wild grass from the backstreets, showed no kind of refrain
To shut the eye when it should've stayed shut, and scrape the head 'till it bled
Know roses still wilt after their colors fade
The heart still rots after its pulses dim
If the sky casts shadows darker than the moon
Then I'd reckon your tomb can crawl lower still
Long as you heed my say

Remember the halls, remember your bag
Remember the fall you took to make the right call
Remember not the day it started, but the days before that
Remember the clouds, the sun, the trees and the light
Miracles are no more than what you make yourself
Matters won't die until it's in your hands
Just shy of a dozen, should still be enough
Silence your own voice, and take your time
Dream of the dark for as long as you breathe
Goodbye

"Kelp?"

"Are you awake?"

"You're here, right?"

What's wrong

"I thought I'd come by. I'm sorry about the incident… Um… I know I should've told you then, but… I didn't want to make you sad."

What's wrong

"You… left the door open? Maybe she isn't—No. Uh, you're here, right…?"

"I brought something. I-I hope it will cheer you up! Uh… I just want you to know that it's not your fault or anything… And that you don't have to come back if you don't want to… Um…."

"So… I guess I'll just leave it here for now. I'll get going—"

What's

"Huh?"

"Did something break? Hey, Kelp. Is everything alright…?"

"…What's going on? Why is everything— Arceus!"

"Kelp! Is everything alright? Hey. Hey, Kelp?! Are you okay?! W-What happened?"

"Are these… Hey, listen. It's fine—It's fine, alright? It's okay. Don't cry, okay? Kelp. Please. I'm here now."

"A-Ah. I've brought, um… Okay. If it's a bit tight, you can tell me, okay? I-I just… I should've known. I'm sorry. I really should've known. I can't lose you, Kelp. I really can't. It's gonna be okay… Okay? I'm so, so sorry. I-I shouldn't have been so… I…"

I thought I'd be able to watch the world go by
Take in the sea salt, talk with the moon and the stars
Feel the grass graze my knee, the breeze sweeping by me
But I am breathing still
Some nights the light peeks into my room
Sometimes I'm not sleeping alone
And I may not be able to carry my bag, my lens untouched
Or won't be able to see anyone as much
But I don't really care
Sometimes I still don't know if I'm staring at myself or somebody else
Through the cracked mirror, but no more scars, no more whispers
It feels empty all the same
Back on the hay, my head aches, and my eyes stay open
This isn't the first time I was locked in a silent tantrum
Maybe Arceus is playing on me
Inflicting pain on me and the 'mons of the coil
Eventually the hourglass stopped dripping for some of us
And mine almost did
I know the world's not done with me yet
Pulling on me, kneading the heart
But I've settled
It may be a bit early still
But when I drag my feet and they still walk
Reach for my lens and see it's still there
If the door still creaks when I push it open
The clock can still tick when the knob is turned
My heart can bleed, but it will heal
The weak in me scream, but I won't kneel
Make me write a song of prayer
But I'll make damn sure the skies won't hear it
My voice shall gleam in its own light
And for the rest of us, I'll sing:
If He finds it fit to send trials our way
And save his blood, leave the lifeless plains
Then a war we'll wage against the dice of fate
And I'll see it fit to fly my spit to His face
So let me smile

Until the Nest spills its blood over Haven
The curtain will remain shut
But as long as the eye remains open
And the heart burns still
You may live long enough to watch
the sun rise