The Mayhem Critic
Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you part two of the Mayhem Critic's review of Die Hard. Hope that you all had a great Christmas and 2018 is coming up. So, let's not waste any time, here's part two of the Die Hard review. Enjoy.
Episode Five: Die Hard (Part II)
Sean is seen sitting at his desk with a smile on his face as he begins his introduction. "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am Sean the Mayhem Critic. The critic that rips movies a new one. Well, Christmas is over, Santa has come, and I am happy with the gifts I got and what did Santa get me? Well, I got an Xbox One X. That's the world's greatest Christmas gift of the year and I'll have to do some after-Christmas shopping to get a new game for my system and maybe a new movie as well for the next review in 2018. And I did see Star Wars: The Last Jedi as well on Christmas and I really enjoyed it. Can't wait till it comes out on DVD so I can review that and The Force Awakens before Star Wars Episode IX comes out in 2019. But enough about that, let's get on with the review, shall we?"
Sean: (Narrating) So after blowing up two more of Hans' men with the C4, John gets scolded by Robinson for blowing up a building.
Deputy Police Chief Dwayne T. Robinson: I don't know who in the hell do you think you are or what you're doing but you just destroyed a building. I've got 100 people down here and they're covered with glass.
John McClane: Glass? Who gives a shit about glass?
Deputy Police Chief Dwayne T. Robinson: Now you listen to me, you little asshole….
John McClane: Asshole? I'm not the one who just got buttfucked on national television, Dwayne!
(Argyle laughs)
"Okay, I have to admit I love this scene because McClane definitely let that idiot have it. That is totally priceless." Sean said, chuckling a bit.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile with the hostages. Getting tired of sitting on his ass waiting for someone to come help him and not do anything, Ellis decides to go talk to Hans and negotiate with him.
Sean looks on after he hears the castle thunder sound effect. "Why do I get the feeling that this is going to be a bad idea? Oh, wait. The fucker is high."
Harry Ellis (Played by Hart Bochner): Hans, bubby, I'm your white knight.
Hans Gruber: I must have missed 60 Minutes. What are you saying?
Harry Ellis: The guy upstairs is fucking things up, huh? I can give him to you.
"While you're at it, why don't you get Detective Bullock and the GCPD to corner Batman at a construction site and try to blow him away, you douchebag?!" Sean exclaimed.
(A clip from World's Dumbest Partiers plays)
Tonya Harding: God! Just one more person I just want to slap!
Sean: (Narrating) Ellis gives Hans the information he needed to know who Bruce Willis is playing and most like his business deals, Ellis did do some BS and fuck up a few things.
John McClane: Ellis, you shouldn't be doing this.
Harry Ellis: Tell me about it.
(One of the terrorists hands Ellis a glass and opens a can of Coca-Cola)
"Uh, dude. That's not the kind of coke that Ellis asked for. He meant the white, powdery kind that you sniff. Haven't you ever seen The Wolf of Wall Street?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) John does not give into their demands and Ellis' plan got SNAFU'ed.
(Hans kills Ellis off-screen as the hostages scream and Holly looks on in shock)
"Five years later, Hart Bochner gets owned by Mark Hamill." Sean said as a clip from Batman: Mask of the Phantasm plays.
(A clip from Batman: Mask of the Phantasm plays)
Joker: Makes you want to laugh. Doesn't it, Arthur? (Laughs)
Sean: (Narrating) After that deal was a complete bust, Robinson is pissed at McClane and Powell starts going off on him.
Sgt. Powell: Can't you read between the lines? He did everything he could to save him. If he gave himself up, they'd both be dead right now!
Deputy Police Chief Dwayne T. Robinson: No way, man. No way. They'd be talking to us. Listen. You tell this partner of yours pal to stay the hell out of this for now on, you hear me? Because if he doesn't, I'm gonna nail him, boy. I'm really gonna nail his ass now. Believe me.
Sgt. Powell: He is alone, tired, and he hasn't seen diddly-squat from anybody down here! Now, you're gonna stand here and tell me that he's gonna give a damn about what you do to him if he makes it out of there alive? Why don't you wake up and smell what you shoveling.
(A clip from Family Matters plays)
Officer Carl Winslow (Played by Reginald VelJohnson): (Yells) LIKE A BONEHEAD!
Sean: (Narrating) Then Hans contacts the LAPD and makes some very odd demands to have certain criminals released in exchange for the hostages and this catches the attention of the FBI, who arrive minutes later and we're introduced to Agent Johnson, played by Grand L. Bush, and Special Agent Johnson, played by Robert Davi from The Goonies.
(A clip from Tiny Toon Adventures plays)
Buster and Babs Bunny (Voiced by Charlie Adler and Tress MacNeille): No relation.
FBI Special Agent Big Johnson (Played by Robert Davi): Sounds like an A-7 scenario.
Sgt. Powell: Aren't you forgetting something?
FBI Special Agent Big Johnson: Such as?
Sgt. Powell: What about John McClane? He's the reason why we have any information we have up until now. He's also the reason why you're facing seven terrorists instead of twelve.
"Okay, I just want to nitpick about something here. The movie messed up something here. The characters in Die Hard claim that there are twelve terrorists and on the poster it said twelve terrorists, when in fact there are thirteen terrorists. Let me name them: Tony, Heinrich, Marco, Alexander, James, Fritz, Franco, Theo, Uli, Kristoff, Eddie, Karl and Hans. Sounds like the German version of Santa's reindeer. How do you fuck up something like this?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Hans goes to check to see if the explosives are attached to the roof, until he's confronted by McClane.
John McClane: (After Hans looks up at him) Hi, there.
(Hans looks at John. The scene fades to black after a gunshot is heard, indicating that John shot Hans. Then the end credits play with Let It Snow playing)
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, no that did not happen. But in actuality, that should've happened. What really happened was that Hans fakes an American accent and passes himself off as an escaped hostage and somehow it works.
Hans Gruber: (Talking in an American accent) I managed to get out of there and…uh…I was just trying to get up on the roof and see if I can signal for help, you know?
Sean starts laughing for a bit. "Okay, so let me get this straight. We have Alan Rickman, a British actor playing a German pretending to be an American."
(A clip from Tropic Thunder plays)
Kirk Lazarus (Played by Robert Downey Jr.): I know who I am. I'm the dude playin' the dude, disguised as another dude!
Hans Gruber: You don't work for Nakatomi and if you're not one of them….
Sean: (V/O) Oh, come on McClane, you can't see from that accent? It's Hans. Hell, you couldn't tell it's Hans if he was talking in a Southern accent.
(Cutaway Gag)
Sean: (As Hans, speaking in a Southern hillbilly accent) Woo-hoo! Howdy, McClane! My name is Bill Clay and I work for Nakatomi and it's nice to meet you. Hot Sally Mally!
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) John gives Hans a gun to protect himself, it takes about a second for him to reveal who he is and John sorta knew because the gun is empty.
John McClane: What do you think I'm fucking stupid, Hans?
(John looks back after the sound of the elevator bell rings)
Hans Gruber: You were saying?
Sean: (V/O) It was at that moment that John knew, he fucked up.
(Karl, Fritz and Franco step out of the elevator. John yells, runs and starts shooting at Fritz, instantly killing him. A firefight breaks out. John shoots at Franco, hitting him in his legs, causing him to fly head first into the glass)
"Ow! Sheesh, man! I cringe every time I watch that scene." Sean winced as the scene plays back in slow motion. "Yikes!"
(A clip from the Seinfeld episode The Puerto Rican Day plays)
George (Played by Jason Alexander): That's gotta hurt!
Sean: (Narrating) Then Hans and Karl start shooting at the glass, which causes a problem for John because mind you he's not wearing any shoes.
John McClane: Jesus Christ!
"Oh, man. Can you imagine if I was getting into a shoot-out with Hans and Karl. Here's what will happen." Sean said.
(Cutaway Gag)
(Sean is yelling while shooting at Karl and Hans, Karl is shooting at the glass.)
Sean: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Time out! Uh, stop shooting. Look, this is going to be a big problem for me because there's glass everywhere and I don't want to cut my feet because I'm not wearing any shoes and socks. So, stop shooting and let's grab a broom and a dustpan and clean this mess up. And maybe bring in a mop and a bucket of soapy water to mop up the blood that came out of Franco after I shot him in the legs and made him fly head first into the glass, splitting his head open.
Hans Gruber: (Speaking in German) Fuck him! Shoot the glass!
(Karl and Hans start shooting at the glass)
Sean: What the hell? What the hell?! Are you kidding me?! Oh, the hell with this!
(Sean runs)
Sean: Ow! Ow! Ow! Goddamn it!
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) John manages to give Hans and Karl the slip. Hans gets his detonators and Karl is pissed that he didn't kill McClane. Meanwhile, John is in the bathroom getting some glass out of his foot and pleasing gore lovers and foot fetishists alike. Powell calls John for a little pep talk and we get some sad backstory on Powell.
Sgt. Powell: I had an accident.
John McClane: The way you drive? I can see why. What did you do run your captain's foot over with your car?
Sgt. Powell: I shot a kid.
"Was it Steve Urkel?" Sean asked.
Sgt. Powell: He was 13 years old. Oh, it was dark and he had a ray gun, it looked real enough.
"He was my neighbor. I have to tell you he was pretty annoying and he was driving me insane and I just wanted to shoot him. Nerdy little bastard." Sean said as a clip from Family Matters plays.
(A clip from Family Matters starts playing)
Officer Carl Winslow: (Yells at Urkel) GET OUT!
(Carl chases Urkel out of the house)
Sean: (Narrating) So after we get our sad history, the FBI cut the power to the Nakatomi building, instantly opening up the vault and now that they have their money the plan is to get the hostages off the roof for FBI extraction. Meanwhile with McClane, John makes a discovery and finds out that Hans intends to detonate the explosives on the roof and second…..
John McClane: The roof is wired to…..
(Karl points his gun at John's head)
Karl (Played by the late Alexander Godunov): We're both professionals. This is personal.
(Karl slams the radio down on the ground)
"Okay, I just love Alexander Godunov as Karl in this movie. I mean, he played that character well because it is unbelievable is what I'm about to tell you and show is the same guy. Alexander Godunov was a Russian-American ballet dancer and he defected from the USSR, which caused an diplomatic incident between the US and the Soviet Union. Now, what I'm about to show you is the same guy. Roll the footage." Sean said.
(Footage from Alexander Godunov's ballet performance from 1982 starts playing)
(A clip from Shia LaBeouf by Rob Cantor plays, showing Shia LaBeouf applauding)
"Who knew he could go from dancing to acting?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) McClane and Karl get into a fight to the death, Mortal Kombat-style as John comes out victorious. Hans sees a news report by Richard Thornburg that features John and Holly's children, with Hans deducing that Holly is married to John.
Hans Gruber: Mrs. McClane. (Pulls out his gun) How nice to make your acquaintance.
(Hans fires his gun in the air twice)
Sean: (Narrating) And then he holds her hostage. Back on the roof, John kills Uli and sends the hostages downstairs and the FBI however mistake him as a terrorist while he fires his MP5 up in the air.
(The FBI fire at John)
John McClane: I'm on your side, you assholes!
Sean: (V/O as John McClane) Do you want me to flash my badge at you, dickhead?!
Sean: (Narrating) So, the hostages make their way back downstairs as Hans activates the detonators.
Hans Gruber: Blow the roof.
Kristoff (Played by Gerard Bonn): But Karl's up there!
Hans Gruber: Blow the roof!
(A clip from VR Troopers plays)
Ziktor (Played by the later Gardner Baldwin): Do it…NOW!
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Think about it for a second, Ziktor. There's no need to be blowing up buildings. Just carry on the plan like nothing happen and…" Sean said as a clip from Batman: Mask of the Phantasm plays.
(A clip from Batman: Mask of the Phantasm plays)
(The Joker hits the switch as we cut back to the movie as the roof of the Nakatomi building blows up)
"Goddamn it, Joker!" Sean yelled.
(A clip of Batman: Mask of the Phantasm plays again, this time with Joker's epic laugh)
Sean: (Narrating) So Hans detonates the explosives, John jumps off from the roof of the building, the FBI agents Johnson and Johnson get killed in the explosion and things start exploding around McClane.
(The elevator bell rings and explodes)
John McClane: Jesus fucking Christ!
"What happened? Did Michael Bay kick John McTiernan out of the director's chair and took over? Oh, Christ. Can you imagine if Michael Bay directed Die Hard? Then it would be just explosions all around." Sean said as different scenes from Die Hard are added with explosions.
(Clips of Die Hard starts playing, showing different scenes with added Michael Bay-style explosions)
(Cutaway Gag)
(Sean is heating up a dutch apple pie in the microwave)
Sean: (Sighs) Only five seconds left until my pie is wa….
(The microwave explodes)
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Argyle spots Theo preparing to leave an ambulance, that they conveniently have for some reason and Argyle rams into the vehicle and knock Theo the fuck out. And then we come to John's showdown with Hans, who's holding Holly hostage.
"Hey, he has only two bullets left and he knocked out Kristoff with his MP5, I'm sure that John will probably fake…." Sean said.
(John throws down his gun)
"Maybe he'll attack them by showing Hudson Hawk." Sean said.
Hans Gruber: Enough jokes.
"Hey, it's my review. So you shut up asshole!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) But then John has a plan by distracting Hans and Eddie, giving him ample opportunity to grab his concealed pistol taped to his back and shoots both Eddie and Hans.
John McClane: Happy trails, Hans.
(Hans crashes through a window but grabs onto Holly's wrist. Holly screams. Robinson, Powell and the rest of the LAPD look up)
"Wait a minute, you can hear the screaming coming from thirty floors up but you couldn't hear the two gunshots? Alright, let's do a little lesson. This is how loud a scream is." Sean said as a woman's scream his heard.
Sean then picks up his pistol from off of his desk.
"And this is how loud a gunshot is." Sean said as he fires his pistol next to his ear and screams before doing his imitation of Sterling Archer. "Mawp, mawp, mawp."
Sean: (Narrating) John unclasps Holly's rolex, causing Hans to fall to his death in a spectacular fashion. John and Holly get out and meet Powell, and they all live happily ever after….
"OR DO THEY?! Sean asked.
(Right when John is about to punch Robinson, someone screams as John turns around, only to see Karl, who's still alive, attempting to shoot McClane)
"AHHHHH! It's the walking dead! Everybody, shoot this motherfucker!" Sean yelled out as he fires his pistol.
(As Sean fires his gun, a clip from The Untouchables plays with Eliot Ness firing his shotgun, a clip from Scarface plays with Tony Montana firing his M16 with grenade launcher attachment, a clip from Batman: Mask of the Phantasm plays)
S.W.A.T. Officer: There he is, men!
(Fires his gun)
(A clip from Game of Thrones plays with Tyrion Lannister firing his crossbow, a clip from Three Fugitives plays with the police shooting, then cut to a clip of Karl getting shot.)
Dugan (Played by James Earl Jones): Hold your fire! Hold your fire! Hold your fire! Hold your fire!
Sean stops firing his pistol, then fires a safety shot just in case. "Sorry. Gotta aim at the head so he won't come back to life like FP Jones from Scream."
Sean: (Narrating) Turns out it was Powell who shot Karl. Very smart move to give a guy who shot a thirteen year old a gun. Holly and John go their way and Holly punches out Dickless Thornburg, Argyle crashes through the gate and reunites with John. John and Holly kiss in the back of the limo. Cue Let It Snow and roll credits.
"And that was Die Hard and it was awesometacular as always. It's one of the smartest action movies ever made. The book it was based on was more detailed and it was much dark in the realism factor. Some of the most famous action scenes from the film are taken from the book. For example: McClane dropping C-4 down an elevator shaft, McClane jumping off an exploding roof with a fire hose attached to his waist and then shooting through a window to gain entry and McClane taping his gun to his back at the film's climax. And speaking of the climax, the film's climax was different from the book. In the book, the character Joe Leland shoots Anton "Little Tony The Red" Gruber multiple times and falls out of the window, grabbing Leland's daughter Stephanie and they both fall to their deaths. In the film, the movie ends with Hans Gruber doing the same to Holly, only to fail due to McClane saving Holly's life. Now, does Die Hard do anything wrong? Well, I do have to nitpick a little on two things: 1. The police in the movie are complete idiots and the only competent cop is a guy who eats Twinkies. And 2. Bruce Willis' stunt double. I mean, I know that Bruce Willis doesn't want to get himself hurt but he should've done his own stunts. So they got veteran stunt actor Keii Johnston to perform Willis' stunts for him and boy you can see Johnston's face. Okay, that's all for my nitpicking, here's some good things about the film. The acting is amazing, the lines are so damn memorable, you gotta love the late Michael Kamen's thrilling music score and the visual effects too. For those of you who claim that Die Hard is not a Christmas movie, I read an article. Well, two articles. One from Steven E. de Souza, the screenwriter of Die Hard and Rep. Steve Scalise. de Souza stated on Twitter that Die Hard is indeed a Christmas movie. And Steve Scalise said an I quote: "Let's be clear, Die Hard is a great Christmas movie." So, there. It's a Christmas movie. I don't need to say anything else, this movie kicks-ass and it's my favorite film to watch every time and around the holidays. "If you haven't seen Die Hard, then you are seriously missing out. That's why I'm giving Die Hard five explosions out of five. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said.
Mayhem Critic Tagline – Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker.
And that was part two of the Mayhem Critic's review of Die Hard. I hope that you all enjoyed part two of this hilarious review. Coming up next time, which movie will be the first movie of 2018 for the Mayhem Critic to review? Here are your choices:
Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers: The Movie: Sean and his friend Brian review the 1995 film based on the TV show. Is it worth the watch?
The Rescue: Sean reviews the 1988 movie about a group of kids invading North Korea to rescue their Navy SEALS fathers.
Richie Rich: Sean goes back to his childhood and reviews the 1994 film starring Macauley Culkin.
Die Hard 2: Die Harder: Sean takes a look at the sequel to the hit film. Is it better than the original?
Camp Nowhere: Doc Brown, Biff Tannen, a young Lucky from General Hospital and cameos from Burgess Meredith, Captain Will Riker and his wife Laura Spencer from General Hospital. What the hell did Sean get himself into? Will this be the movie that will break him or make him go insane? And also, a young Jessica Alba is in the movie.
So, which one would you like for me to review next? Don't forget tor review this story, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. And if you want to co-review a movie or a TV show with me (It could be either a movie or a TV show from the 80s, 90s or now). If you're interested, feel free to PM me. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.