The Mayhem Critic
Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another great and hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Today, he finishes up Lethal Weapon Month when he takes a look at the final film in the Lethal Weapon franchise, Lethal Weapon 4. What will he think of it? Will this series end with a bang? We'll find out today in the finale of Lethal Weapon Month. Sit back, relax and enjoy.
P.S.: As before, I don't own anything involved in this story and all material belongs to their respective sources.
We see Sean a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic sitting behind his desk in his office drinking some black tea from out of his Kylo Ren coffee mug. "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. And seeing how we are nearing the end of Lethal Weapon Month.
The Lethal Weapon Month intro starts playing before Sean introduces the movie.
"And today we're going to be talking about Lethal Weapon 4." Sean said as the main title of the film is shown along with clips from the movie. "The final and by God the very last film in the Lethal Weapon series, this one was considered to the worst in the series, from what I've heard from people. We have some returning character from the films along with some fresh new faces. Hell, even the tagline on the poster says "The Gang's All Here.". I can see why because everyone wanted to in the poster since they want the poster look like a poster for Star Wars. Mind you, this movie was released in 1998 and back in 1997 Warner Bros. were having some problems with films like Steel, The Avengers (not the Marvel one), Father's Day and Batman & Robin. It'll be a cold day in Hell if I review that movie. But hey, this movie was released a year after another Richard Donner movie called Conspiracy Theory and it starred Mel Gibson and Julia Roberts and I thought it was a good movie. This one, however. Well, let me try not to lose my shit over the film's problems even though I still find it to be awesome. Well, let's see if Richard Donner ends this series with a bang, this is Lethal Weapon 4."
Sean: (Narrating) Our film opens with the Warner Bros. logo being engulfed in flames as we get our main title only opening. We find our heroes sergeants Martin Riggs and Roger Murtaugh, played by Mel Gibson and Danny Glover, as they come across…
Roger Murtaugh (Played by Danny Glover): Holy shit! What the… What the hell is that?
(Riggs and Murtaugh see a lunatic wearing a flame-retardant armored suit and wielding an Olympic Arms OA-93 AR-15 pistol converted to full-auto and a flamethrower destroying a shop)
"What the? The love child of Iron Man and the Human Torch." Sean said as he made a face.
Roger Murtaugh: Who's this joker?
Martin Riggs (Played by Mel Gibson): I don't know. A spokesman for the NRA, maybe. I don't know.
"And cue the insanity." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Riggs comes up with a plan to take out the 'human tank' by running him over without the armored gunman spotting them.
Martin Riggs: Come on, will him with me, Rog.
Roger Murtaugh: Will him?
Martin Riggs: Don't turn around.
"He's gonna spot you." Sean said.
Martin Riggs: Don't turn around.
Roger Murtaugh: Don't turn around! Don't turn around!
Martin Riggs: Believe it!
"He's gonna spot you." Sean said.
Martin Riggs; We're better than him!
Roger: Murtaugh: Don't turn around! Don't turn!
Martin Riggs: We're better than him!
"He's gonna fucking spot you!" Sean yelled out.
(The alert sound effect from Metal Gear Solid plays as the armored gunman spots Riggs and Murtaugh)
Martin Riggs: He's turning.
(Riggs and Murtaugh duck for cover)
Roger Murtaugh: Ah, shit!
(The armored gunman starts shooting at Riggs and Murtaugh)
"Told ya." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Riggs starts shooting at the flaming gunman….God, that sounds like a show from Brad Loekle. And we see that bullets aren't affecting him. While they're getting shot at Murtaugh informs his crazy partner some news about Lorna.
Roger Murtaugh: I wasn't supposed to tell you this, but Lorna's pregnant. You're gonna be a father!
Martin Riggs: No, get going. Get….what did you say?
Roger Murtaugh: You're gonna be a father!
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, turns out that Riggs knocked up Lorna and he's going to be a father. And since they're about to get killed by the 'human tank', Riggs has some news about Murtaugh's daughter Rianne.
Martin Riggs: Rianne's pregnant. You're gonna be a grandfather.
Roger Murtaugh: Rianne's what?!
"Rianne's sleeping with the Nostalgia Critic. What do you think?!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) After informing each other on Lorna and Rianne's pregnancies, Riggs comes up with the perfect plan to take out the flaming gunman.
Martin Riggs: Take your clothes off.
Roger Murtaugh: What the hell for?
Martin Riggs: What for?
Roger Murtaugh: Yeah?
Martin Riggs: Ok. You run. Flame-O here turns, sees you in your undies. It distracts him… I'd know it distracts me. And that's when I shoot.
Roger Murtaugh: Shoot what?
Martin Riggs: The valve of that napalm tank.
"Napalm? Riggs may not be suicidal anymore but he's just as crazy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Murtaugh strips out of his clothes, leaving himself in only his red undies with hearts on it and starts flapping his arms and clucking like a chicken, giving Riggs the opportunity to shoot at the gunman's napalm tank.
(Riggs shoots the valve off the napalm tank, sending the gunman flying straight into a gas truck as Riggs and Murtaugh start running. The gunman blows up along with the truck, blowing up a 76 gas station. Riggs and Murtaugh run as the tanker lands on top of their car and explodes)
"Whoa! What happened? Did Michael Bay kick Richard Donner out of the director's chair and took over for him?" Sean asked as he starts laughing a bit.
Roger Murtaugh: Hey, Riggs, you think that bird thing helped, man?
Martin Riggs: No, no. I just wanted to see if you'd do it.
Roger Murtaugh: Yeah, I did… I did…
Martin Riggs: (Laughs) Ha ha! Cute shorts.
(Riggs keeps laughing)
Roger Murtaugh: Hey. Go spit, Riggs!
"Wow, that was bit of a dick move, Riggs. You just embarrassed your partner." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to almost nine months later, where we see Riggs and Murtaugh doing some fishing with…
Roger Murtaugh: Hey, that shark damages my new boat, I'm taking it out on you, Leo.
Leo Getz (Played by Joe Pesci): Hey, I didn't mean to catch it, ok?
Sean: (V/O) Oh, God.
Leo Getz: Hee hee hee! Oh, stop it! You guys got me in stitches. (Laugh)
"God, I hope you don't annoy me as much like in the third movie." Sean said. "See that's the problem with Leo in the sequels, he tends to be annoying as hell!"
Sean: (Narrating) Riggs and Murtaugh have a moment together as Murtaugh discusses Riggs' future with Lorna.
Roger Murtaugh: You're having a baby… you're living together….
Martin Riggs: Yeah.
Roger Murtaugh: You're not getting married.
Martin Riggs: You know, when I was married, I… it was good. You know…. Put the ring on, you make the commitment. You… do all the… but…she's dead 'cause I'm a cop. She's dead 'cause I'm a cop. I mean, I don't wear the ring anymore…but you know, I look down, it's still there. I still feel it, and…I don't know. It's like I'm not…finished with it yet and I- -I don't know how to explain that. Does that sound like a bunch of bullshit to you?
Roger Murtaugh: No, no. It's not finished. It's not finished. Yeah.
Sean: (Narrating) And then this moment is ruined by…
Martin Riggs: Do we want Leo to shoot the shark?
Roger Murtaugh: Do we want Leo to shoot the…hey, no! Hey! No, Leo!
Leo: What?
(Murtaugh grabs the gun from out of Leo's hand)
Leo Getz: Hey! Hey!
Martin Riggs: This is some piece of hardware.
"Okay, who gave Joe Pesci a gun?" Sean asked.
Leo Getz: I'm a P.I. Now.
Roger Murtaugh: A P-what?
Leo Getz: P.I. A gumshoe! You know? You get in ugly situations. I got guns, everything.
Roger Murtaugh: Yeah, you are an ugly situation.
"Okay, in the second film Leo was an accountant in the Witness Protection Program. In the third film, he was a real estate agent. And in this one he's a private investigator. How did he become a private investigator six years after the third one?" Sean asked.
"Dude, why do you keep switching jobs?" Brian asked, sipping his tea.
Sean: (Narrating) They come across a ship that was captured by Chinese smugglers. Riggs hops aboard the ship and takes out the shooter, then engages in hand-to-hand combat with the captain of the ship, but ends up getting a beatdown from the guy and he escapes. Riggs, then finds a cargo hold of slave labor inside. We then cut to a Chinese restaurant, where we see a meeting between crime lord Uncle Benny Chan, played by the late Kim Chan, and an immigration consultant, played by Jack Kehler, regarding the importation of Chinese immigrants from China. Uncle Benny learns from his assistant that the ship has been impounded, which leaves him displeased. And then we're introduced to the main villain of the movie…
"Wait, I always wanted to do this." Sean said, clearing his throat and picks up a microphone from off of his desk and began to speak in his announcer voice. "Making his debut in his first American feature. He's a retired Wushu champion born in Beijing, China and his first and only role as a villain. Ladies and gentlemen, playing Wah Sing Ku is Jet Li!"
A crowd cheers and music starts playing as we see Jet Li as the villainous Wah Sing Ku.
Sean: (Narrating) Next we cut to Riggs and Murtaugh talking to an INS Agent about the slave laborers that were being smuggled in and then we're also introduced to another character in the movie Detective Lee Butters, he's played by….
Detective Lee Butters (Played by Chris Rock): Hey, Sergeant Riggs, Sergeant Murtaugh. What are you guys doing here?
"Chris Rock? Really? Chris Rock is in a Lethal Weapon movie? Don't get me wrong, I like Chris Rock but him in a Lethal Weapon movie playing a cop. Uh, this is the same guy who did a stand-up bit involving the Tossed Salad Guy." Sean said as a clip from Chris Rock's stand-up special starts playing.
(A clip from Chris Rock: Bring the Pain starts playing)
Chris Rock: Well, the first thing I'd do is make 'em toss my salad.
Sean: (Narrating) And we see Detective Butters getting upset over a dead body.
Detective Lee Butters: Ah, shit! He's dead, man. He's fucking dead, man. Shit!
Roger Murtaugh: What?
Detective Lee Butters: Yeah, this is how he wanted to come to America, right? What was he in the killing section? This guy's been shot 4 times!
Martin Riggs: Well, yeah.
Detective Lee Butters: At close range, like he was executed.
"Well, no shit! He was executed." Sean said.
Roger Murtaugh: He was executed.
"I just said that, old man." Sean glared at the camera.
Detective Lee Butters: What the fuck, man! We got people getting killed left, right and center in this town. Now we're importing victims? Hey, gangbangers wanna kill each other, no problem. You and me… one of us gets shot… hey, occupational hazard. But just a normal guy? This fucking guy? What the fuck did he ever do to anybody? That ain't right.
Roger Murtaugh: All right. Easy, Biscuits.
Martin Riggs: Yeah. You'll get an ulcer like this. You gotta settle down here.
Detective Lee Butters: Blanket!
(A clip from American Housewife plays)
Katie Otto (Played by Katy Mixon): Hey! Calm…down!
"Yeah. Something's very wrong here if a wannabe immigrant is shot like that." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Riggs and Murtaugh head home. Murtaugh is sad over the loss of his boat and he comes across a dinghy with an entire Chinese family hiding from US immigration. Riggs heads home and finds his pregnant girlfriend Lorna, once again played by Rene Russo, cooking up some breakfast and the two have a discussion about marriage.
Martin Riggs: You know, Lorna, we never, ever talked about marriage.
Lorna Cole (Played by Rene Russo): Well, I sort of figured you didn't want that. You wanna get married?
"Say yes. Just say the three letter word. Just say it. Say it!" Sean yelled out.
Martin Riggs: Well, no, I—no.
Lorna Cole: Me neither. You want some breakfast?
Martin Riggs: Uh, yeah, yeah.
"What the fuck?! Come on!" Sean yelled. "She's pregnant and you two were discussing about marriage. She asked you if you want to get married but then you say no let have some breakfast. You splooge drinker!"
Sean: (Narrating) After breakfast, Riggs and Lorna take a lovely stroll on the beach with their dogs and she tells Riggs that somebody from Internal Affairs said that Murtaugh is on the take. And Riggs doesn't believe that. And that's when her pregnancy hormones start kicking in.
Lorna Cole: I'll tell you what it is! This pregnancy's destroying my brain cells! I can't believe I said that!
Martin Riggs: What? What? I'm drooling. What?
Lorna Cole: Ok, promise me. Swear to me that you will never say a word about this, ever.
Martin Riggs: I swear. I swear. I won't ever. I promise. What?
Lorna Cole: Sergeant Lee Butters.
Sean: (Narrating) Yep. The father of Rianne's baby is Lee Butters. The guy that's been kissing up to Murtaugh. Plus, Butters is married to Rianne. He's gonna be a dead son-in-law. Riggs and Lorna arrive at Murtaugh's house and Riggs notices something unusual.
(Riggs notices a little Chinese boy sticking his head out of the door)
Martin Riggs: That smells like Chinese food, doesn't it, honey?
Lorna Cole: Food?
Roger Murtaugh: There's a Chinese person in the kitchen.
Martin Riggs: I saw him.
Roger Murtaugh: Yeah. I mean, a couple of Chinese people. Actually, a whole family.
(Riggs and Lorna enter the kitchen and see a Chinese family in the kitchen)
Roger Murtaugh: A large family.
"Smuggling? This is what the film is about, folks. Immigrant smuggling. Isn't it thrilling enough for the film?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Murtaugh introduces Riggs and Lorna to the Chinese family. They've already met the adorable little boy named Ping, played by Steven Lam, and this is his grandfather named Hong, the head of the family. He's played by Eddy Ko.
Roger Murtaugh: Hey, Hong, this is my partner Martin Riggs, and this is Lorna.
Hong (Played by Eddy Ko): Wife?
Riggs, Murtaugh and Lorna: No.
Sean: (Narrating) Then Riggs questions his partner's actions.
Martin Riggs: Are you out of your mind? This is illegal. This is- -as in, against the law. You have any idea the shit storm you're bringin' down on yourself?
Roger Murtaugh: The way I see it, those are slave ships out there, and I'm freein' slaves. I'm freein' slaves, like no one did for my ancestors, ok?
"Illegal is right, but so is slavery. Plus, you do know that they're Chinese not black, right? Okay, that was a tad bit racist. Ignore that last part." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But enough about smuggling immigrants and freeing slaves, let's see what's going on with the Murtaugh family. We see that Murtaugh's two children Nick and Carrie, played by Damon Hines and Ebonie Smith are in college. His wife Trish, played by Darlene Love, is sill a stay-at-home mom. Seriously, what is Trish's job? Maybe housewife is an occupation. And we see that his oldest daughter Rianne, played by Traci Wolfe, is also pregnant is well. We then cut to the Los Angeles Police Department, where Captain Murphy, once again played by Richard Donner's cousin Steve Kahan, talk to Riggs and Murtaugh about their destructive actions as sergeants.
Captain Ed Murphy (Played by Steve Kahan): The department has lost it's insurance carrier. All the damage you've done, they can't get a new one while you two guys are still runnin' around on the streets.
Martin Riggs: I think that's a bit…
Captain Ed Murphy: They can't fire ya, either, so they're promoting you.
Roger Murtaugh: Hey.
Martin Riggs: Lieutenant.
Roger Murtaugh: Hey!
Captain Ed Murphy: There's no open lieutenant spots, so the chief is using his special privilege, and he's making you captains.
Martin Riggs: No.
Roger Murtaugh: Better. Captain.
Captain Ed Murphy: You think you can stay off the streets and out of trouble, somethin' simple?
Martin Riggs: Absolutely.
Roger Murtaugh: Captain Riggs.
Martin Riggs: Captain Murtaugh.
(They both start laughing)
"Wait a minute? He can do that? After all the damage they have caused, he's promoting them to captain? Can you imagine somebody doing something like that?" Sean asked.
(Cutaway Gag)
Captain: McBain, all the damage you have caused while trying to bring down Mendoza has been causing some issues with the department's insurance carrier, so I have no choice to promote you.
Sean: (as Detective McBain) Promote me? Let me guess, you're promoting me to lieutenant?
Captain: No, the chief's promoting you to captain.
Sean: Captain? I like that better. Captain McBain. It has a nice touch.
Captain: You think you can stay off of the streets and not cause any trouble.
Sean: Don't worry, captain. I'm not going to be causing any damage.
(Sean throws his cigarette out of the window and blows up somebody's car)
Man: (Screams)
Man #2: My leg!
Sean: Oops. My bad.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Detective #1: Captains Outrageous.
Martin Riggs: Whoo! Travels fast.
Roger Murtaugh: Yeah.
Detective #2 (Played by Benjamin King): You get a nice break from real police work.
Sean: (V/O) Wait a minute, go back!
(The footage rewinds back as Sean notices the detective)
Detective #2: You get a nice break from real police work. Some golf, some tennis.
"Okay, did I just see Benjamin King from Liv & Maddie in a Lethal Weapon movie playing a detective?" Sean asked. "Holy cow, I did not know that Pete Rooney was a detective before he moved to Wisconsin to become a basketball coach and marry Karen Rooney."
Sean: (Narrating) And since they're captains now, it's time for Riggs to drive the police psychologist, played by the late Mary Ellen Trainor insane when he talks to her about marriage.
Dr. Stephanie Woods (Played by the late Mary Ellen Trainor): (Laughs) Marriage! The "M" word?
Martin Riggs: Quiet down, doc. Does confidentiality mean anything to you?
Dr. Stephanie Woods: That's funny! You know what would happen?
Martin Riggs: What?
Dr. Stephanie Woods: We'd go into my office, and you know what you'd end up telling me? You'd tell me something like, "Doc, I want to marry, uh, Murtaugh, or- -or your mother, maybe, or- - how about Nelson Mandela?" There's one. You know, something to ridicule me, Riggs. Something to get a rise out of me. Listen carefully. I'm not stupid! And my time is reserved for police officers with real needs! And real problems! Have you got that? (Shouting) Have you?
Martin Riggs: Care to run it by me again?
Dr. Stephanie Woods: No! And you know what? I don't like you.
(Dr. Woods walks away)
Martin Riggs: Stephanie?
Dr. Stephanie Woods: (Turns around) "Steph.."
Martin Riggs: I can't go out with you. I'm in a relationship… I'm very happy, All right? I think you need to see someone. Look, you'll find someone someday who'll care for you and love you and- - not in this department, but you have to stop…
Dr. Stephanie Woods: You're disgusting! You're disgusting! What's the matter with you people?
"Well, that went well. I think that lady needs to go see a psychiatrist because she's losing her mind." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Riggs, Murtaugh and Butters head down to the Chinese restaurant to question Uncle Benny, until they realize that Dickless Tracy was tailing them.
Martin Riggs: You lookin' for us, Leo?
Leo Getz: You saw me, huh?
Roger Murtaugh: What you doing, Leo?
Leo Getz: You know, I've been perfecting my tailing technique now that I'm a P.I. and all.
"Dude, your tailing technique needs some work. You need to drive something different, you're driving a GMC truck. That's not a good vehicle to drive in while you're tailing somebody." Sean said.
Leo Getz: (Notices Butters sitting in the back of Riggs and Murtaugh's car) Hey, uh. Hey Riggs, who's the, uh, perp? What'd you bust him for?
Detective Lee Butters: Oh, I'm a perp? Oh, you see a brother sitting in the back of a police car automatically I'm a perp? Look at my suit, look at my tie. What do I look like the fuckin' Crips accountant? (Pulls out his badge and gun) Look at this badge, bitch. Check out the gun.
Leo Getz: Whoa, hey hey hey, put the gun down, put the gun down.
"Here's a tip, when you're a P.I., don't assume that everyone's a perp." Sean said.
Sean: (V/O) Okay, even though this film has some problems, I just love the banter between Butters and Leo on this scene. I thought it was pretty hilarious. Hell, even Mel Gibson thought it was hilarious.
Leo Getz: You're so damn touchy! These guys will tell you. We work together. We got a history together. And don't…maybe we'll work together someday. I'm the bomb! They'll tell you. I'm great.
Detective Lee Butters: Yeah, yeah, we're going to work together. Soon as I open up a cereal shop, you fucking leprechaun!
"Don't make me send you to the Tossed Salad Man in prison!" Sean said as he imitates Chris Rock.
Sean: (Narrating) Riggs, Murtaugh and Butters arrive in Chinatown and they head to Uncle Benny's restaurant and they question him about the Chinese slaves being smuggled in.
Martin Riggs: Flied lice?
Uncle Benny Chan (Played by the late Kim Chan): Flied lice? It is fried rice you plick!
Henchman With Glasses: #4. Uncle Benny Chan
"Wow, like that's a tad bit racist." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And then, they meet their silent arch-nemesis and Riggs ends up insulting him.
Martin Riggs: (While insulting Wah Sing Ku) Oh, yeah? Well, then he doesn't understand words like scumbag, eat shit. Oh, I think he understands good. Oh…(Whistles)
Roger Murtaugh: Riggs.
Martin Riggs: Enter the drag queen, huh?
"Well, you've made him mad. And you know what's funny? In this movie, Mel Gibson plays the hero and Jet Li plays the villain. And in The Expendables 3, Jet Li plays the hero and Mel Gibson plays the villain in the movie." Sean said.
Uncle Benny Chan: (Sees Riggs walking over to the two-way mirror) But the door is this way.
Martin Riggs: Ah, this is quicker.
Uncle Benny Chan: Oh, no, no.
Martin Riggs: No, this is quicker, really.
(Riggs breaks the transparent glass with his gun)
Martin Riggs: See? Quicker. Ha ha!
Roger Murtaugh: Don't forget my 10% policeman's discount.
Wah Sing Ku (Played by Jet Li): In Hong Kong, you would be dead.
The sound of a man's bloodcurdling scream is heard when Sean looked over to his right. "Wow, these seven deadly words can cause somebody to drop dead."
Sean: (Narrating) After abusing their power as captains and causing some more damage to Uncle Benny's restaurant by pulling the fire alarm and setting the sprinkler systems off, Riggs recognizes the captain from the ship that was smuggling Chinese immigrants and a chase through Chinatown ensues with Riggs pursuing the Chinese captain on foot, Butters chasing his friend and Murtaugh following Riggs while riding a bike? Seriously, who rides a bike during a police chase? Anyway, Butters apprehends the guy he was chasing while Riggs chases the Chinese captain on the rooftops.
(The Chinese captain runs and jumps onto another roof with Riggs behind him)
Roger Murtaugh: Hey Riggs, Don't jump! You're going to be a father! Don't jump, damn it, Riggs!
(Riggs jumps but winds up hanging from the roof)
"Nice of you to hang around, eh captain?" Sean asked as a comedic rimshot plays. "Play me off, Paul!"
Sean starts dancing as we see a clip Paul Shaffer performing on The Late Show with David Letterman.
Sean: (Narrating) With Riggs holding on to dear life, Murtaugh and Butters find a dumpster for him to land in.
Roger Murtaugh: Now, you jump on 3.
Martin Riggs: Ok. Ready?
Detective Lee Butters: Ass first. It breaks the fall.
Roger Murtaugh: Ready. 1…2…
(Riggs lets go and falls into the dumpster)
(Cutaway Gag)
Sean: (Looks down at the dumpster) He just died. He's dead. R.I.P. (Pours a 40oz bottle of malt liquor) I love you, Riggs. (Sniffs) I support you with what you do but you better know that this was your risk. This was the risk you took. I love you so much you don't even know. (Sniffs) You can't even imagine how hard this is. I have a confession to make, I slept with Lorna while you were at work…
Roger Murtaugh: Hey, Riggs, you all right?
Martin Riggs: Yeah, I should've had him. I should've had him.
Sean: And looking at you, you're moving around and getting yelled at by your partner. Uh, well, okay. Just ignore last part!
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
"You land in a dumpster? Really?" Brian asked
Sean: (Narrating) The Chinese captain escapes but not shortly until a familiar face shows up.
(The Chinese captain gets kicked in the face by Wah Sing Ku)
"Ahh! It's Jet Li!" Sean screamed out.
(The Chinese captain tries to make a run for it but ends up getting attacked by Ku. The fight ends with Ku strangling the Chinese captain with his rosary beads)
"Damn, this dude is literally a lethal weapon. He can kill you with his killer Wushu moves!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Riggs is sparring with a fellow officer in the boxing ring and ends up getting beaten up, so he fakes his shoulder injury and he tells Murtaugh that he's not feeling it and that he learns that he's getting too old for this shit.
I'm Getting Too Old For This Shit Counter: #8
"Wait, wait, wait! That one doesn't count. It has to be said by one of the characters. So, get back to #7." Sean said.
I'm Getting Too Old For This Shit Counter: #7
Roger Murtaugh: You're getting too old for this shit.
I'm Getting Too Old For This Shit Counter: #8
Martin Riggs: Yeah.
Roger Murtaugh: How about that? (Chuckles) Finally.
Martin Riggs: No, but it can't be.
"Hey, man. You're hitting 50. You should realize that you're getting too old for this shit. Don't even think about counting that." Sean said, pointing and glaring to the camera.
Martin Riggs: I'm not too old for this shit. I'm not too old for this. You will it. We're not too old for this shit.
"Uh, Mel. You were 41 and Danny was 51 at the time you guys filmed this movie. You two should realize that you're getting too old for this shit. So, you shut the fuck up about not getting too old for this shit." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Later, Detective Dick Gumshoe Winston Payne, visits Riggs and Murtaugh and tells them that he's working on a very important…why is this important? Detective Butters has some news about the guy Riggs was chasing.
Detective Lee Butters: The guy you chased through Chinatown?
Martin Riggs: Yeah.
Detective Lee Butters: The gun he dropped matched slugs on the bodies on the boat. That's your shooter.
Martin Riggs: Son of a bitch that got away from me.
Detective Lee Butters: Didn't get too far. They found him on a rooftop nearby. Strangled. And get this…pigeons ate his eyeballs.
(Leo and Murtaugh both make a disgusted face)
Martin Riggs: Cool.
"Cool? What the hell you mean cool? That's sick. That sounds like a death from Damien: Omen II." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And then we get a little lesson on cell phones.
Detective Lee Butters: (On cell phones) You get a call, they cut you off. You make a call, they cut you off. What's the point? I never…
Leo Getz: Don't you know what they're doing, kid? They fuck you with cell phones. That's what it is, they're fucking you with the cell phone. They love when you get cut off. You know why, huh? You know why? 'Cause when you call back, which they know you're gonna do, they charge you for that fuckin' first minute again at that high rate.
Detective Lee Butters: If you're lucky enough to be able to call back, because the 3-hour battery you got only lasts for 20 fucking minutes.
Leo Getz: And what if you're behind a fucking hill or something?
Detective Lee Butters: Or you're going through a damn tunnel or some shit, man. And they keep making it smaller. You know why they make 'em this small? So you can lose 'em. Why? So you have to buy more phones.
Leo Getz: They fuck you, they fuck you, they fuck you with the cell phones! Hey, you know what happens when you go through a drive-through?
Sean and his friend Brian both crack up at Butters and Leo's rant on cell phones.
"He's got a point. My iPhone gives me issues a lot." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Riggs and Murtaugh arrive at Murtaugh's house, where they come home to find…
(Triad gang members hold Murtaugh, Lorna, Trish and Rianne at gunpoint. Wah Sing Ku arrives and starts clapping his hands with a smile on his face)
"Aahh! Jet Li smile!" Sean screams like Homer Simpson and ducks underneath his desk.
Sean: (Narrating) Turns out that Wah Sing Ku and his men kidnapped Hong and his family. And hey buddy, you have a red dot on ya.
Thug (Played by Jeff Imada): (After noticing a red dot on him) Shit.
Sean: (V/O as Riggs) Surprise, asshole. Which one do you want, the Kennedy or the McKinley?
Roger Murtaugh: Yeah. Look who we got here. Uncle Benny's friend.
Martin Riggs: (Points his gun at Wah Sing Ku) Hey, Bruce. Nice pajamas.
(Ku tries to move the red dot away from him)
"Oh, yeah. That's smart. Try shooing the red dot away. Like that's going to work." Sean said in a sarcastic tone.
(A clip from Seinfeld plays)
Jerry Seinfeld: You're not that very bright, are you?
Sean: (Narrating) But then one of the Triad gang members, named Fan, played by George Kee Cheung. Who you might recognize as the Vietnamese general from Rambo: First Blood Part II who got shot by Rambo with and explosive arrow. Fan ends up holding a pregnant Lorna at knifepoint.
Fan (Played by George Kee Cheung): Drop your guns. Drop 'em.
Martin Riggs: You're not gonna stand for that. Are you, honey?
(Lorna stomps on Fan's foot and elbows him in the face, then slams the door on his wrist, causing the knife to fall out of his hand)
"And this is why you should never mess with a hormonal pregnant woman." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So then a fight breaks out, with Wah Sing Ku just watching before joining in to kick Riggs' ass.
(Wah Sing Ku attacks Riggs by using his martial arts on him)
"Damn! Ok, you have Mr. Joshua, Vorstedt and Jack Travis. Looks like Riggs have met his match because those three guys are complete pussies." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We also get to see how badass Wah Sing Ku is when he dismantles Riggs' gun and ends up knocking out both Riggs and Murtaugh.
(Lorna steps out of the kitchen as Ku kicks her in the face, knocking her out)
"Oh! You bitch! You're a bitch for that one, Jet Li! You can't just go around and kicking pregnant women in the face. How about I come over there and knock you on your….
Wah Sing Ku: In Hong Kong, you would be dead.
"Aah! I'm sorry!" Sean hid under his desk in fear.
Sean: (Narrating) Wah Sing Ku's men tie up Riggs, Murtaugh, Lorna, Trish and Rianne and douse the house with lighter fluid and gasoline and setting it on fire, leaving them to die. Boy, the Murtaugh's house has been having some bad luck. I mean, in the first one, it was shot up by Gary Busey and a car crashed through the living room and in the bathroom, it was damaged by a bomb. Mind you, a toilet bomb. And now the house is torched by Triad gang members. Allstate is going to have a field day with this. But luckily, our heroes are saved by Ping as they escape from the burning inferno. With Riggs and Murtaugh out for blood, they go after the two of the in hot pursuit. Riggs pulls one of the gang members from out of the car window and into the mobile home, where he interrogates him to know where the Hongs are.
(Riggs fight the Triad member. They crash onto the road. Riggs is sitting on a table and holds onto the trailer by the plastic covering. The Triad gang member rolls off but then he gets hit by a charter bus)
"Hey, at least he wanted to catch the bus." Sean said as a comedic rimshot is heard and the audience boos him. "What? What? What?"
Sean: (Narrating) Riggs and Murtaugh pursue the gang member's partner in a pretty impressive yet awesome car chase. They end up driving through one of the floors of a building and back onto the highway to chase the guy.
(While chasing the Triad member, the thug gets hit by a truck. Murtaugh hits the breaks causing the side of the car to hit the back of the truck)
"Christ, hasn't this guy seen any car crash PSA's? Right-angle collisions at 70 km/hour can be deadly. I guess he learned the hard way." Sean said.
Martin Riggs: You ok?
Roger Murtaugh: Yeah. I think my heart's still beating.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, at U.S. Customs, we see that Wah Sing Ku has a meeting with the General, played by Dana Lee, for a deal involving the release of the Four Fathers. And we see that Wah Sing Ku's brother is one of the Four Fathers. And one of the Four Fathers look oddly familiar.
Sean begins to notice that one of the Four Fathers is played by Francois Chau. "Oh, my God. That's Zane from K.C. Undercover. Now I know what he does in his spare time aside from getting revenge on K.C. and the Coopers. Okay, here's a brief recap. We have Pete Rooney from Liv & Maddie and Zane from K.C. Undercover in the same film. What's next? Am I going to see Bob Duncan in from Good Luck Charlie in the movie as well?"
Sean: (Narrating) Later, Leo alerts Riggs and Murtaugh that he tracked down Uncle Benny at his dentist's office and with Leo as a distraction to keep the dentist busy, Riggs, Murtaugh and Butters to interrogate Uncle Benny. In their very own, special way.
Martin Riggs: Now, where are the Hongs? Now, open wide and tell us…
Uncle Benny Chan: Hongs? (Chuckles)
Martin Riggs: Yeah.
Uncle Benny Chan: I don't know any Hongs.
Roger Murtaugh: Yeah, you know 'em. Their uncle paid you big to get 'em out of China.
Uncle Benny Chan: You are lousy cops.
Martin Riggs: No, we're good cops. Here.
(Riggs puts the mask on Uncle Benny's face and use laughing gas to extract the truth from him)
Sean: (Narrating) And this scene deserves some appropriate music.
(Tiny Tim's Loving in the Sunlight starts playing throughout the scene)
(Uncle Benny starts singing in Chinese)
Detective Lee Butters: Ah, man! He's wasted.
(They all start laughing)
(A clip from American Housewife starts playing)
Taylor Otto (Played by Meg Donnelly): What is happening?
"I find The Passion of the Christ to be a very hilarious movie." Sean starts laughing.
Roger Murtaugh: We…we're stoned.
(They keep laughing while they're high on laughing gas)
Martin Riggs: That's one funny son-in-law you got there, Rog.
Roger Murtaugh: (Laughs) Why did you call him my son-in-law?
Detective Lee Butters: (Laughs) Because I am!
(They all keep laughing)
Detective Lee Butters: Your baby is having my baby.
Roger Murtaugh: (Laughs) My baby is having his baby.
(Minutes Later)
(Murtaugh punches Riggs in the face)
Martin Riggs: What the hell did you do that for?
Roger Murtaugh: For keeping it from me and letting me think he was a…a…
Martin Riggs: Well, hit him, not me.
Roger Murtaugh: As soon as we find the Hongs, me, you and Rianne's getting into this.
"Well, Murtaugh took the news pretty well." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, we see Wah Sing Ku and his men making counterfeit money and Hong is reunited with his uncle. Well, nothing can possibly go…
(Wah Sing Ku snaps Hong's neck and kills him)
"I should've kept my fucking mouth shut." Sean said, making a facepalm.
Sean: (Narrating) And then we see the Chinese Triad making counterfeit money and Uncle Benny is strangled by Ku. Boy, Jet Li is coldblooded. Later that night, Riggs is driving home with Lorna and Ping and they decide to talk about marriage again, oh brother.
Martin Riggs: You want to get married, don't you?
Lorna Cole: No. Yes. Yes, I do. If you don't want to, it's ok.
Martin Riggs: Why didn't you tell me?
"Because we both starred in a Ron Howard movie two years ago and you did something stupid like using our son's ransom money as a bounty on the kidnapper's heads. That's why." Sean said, referencing the 1996 film Ransom which starred both Mel Gibson and Rene Russo.
Sean: (Narrating) But then this moment is ruined when Wa Sing Ku's henchmen tries to kill Riggs and Lorna, but then they end up failing.
(Lorna shoots at the car behind them and kills the henchman. Riggs drives away as the two henchmen get hit by a train. Then they get hit by another, causing it to explode and killing them)
Sean: (Narrating) Having enough of the Triad trying to kill them, Riggs meets up with Murtaugh and Butters, where they find the dead bodies of Hong, his uncle and Uncle Benny. Then Murtaugh mentions the forefathers. And Detective Ng, played by Calvin Jung from RoboCop, who knows about Chinese culture and society corrects them on Four Fathers and that they were the top-notch guys in the old Hong Kong Triad. And they learn that there's a meeting going on in the foreign trade zone down by the docks between the General and Wah Sing Ku to release the Four Fathers. So, what better way is to crash the party.
Martin Riggs: Hi, gang.
General (Played by Dana Lee): What do you want?
Martin Riggs: See all this? I hope you need a lot…lot of toilet paper back home, 'cause that's about it's good for, wipin' your ass with it.
(Riggs throws the counterfeit money up in the air)
Martin Riggs: It's counterfeit! See? Triads never prosper when they try and cheat a general.
Sean: (Narrating) After finding out that the Triads screwed them, the General kills three of the Four Horsemen. And a shootout breaks out between the general's men and Wah Sing Ku's men and the cops. Butters gets injured after taking a bullet for Murtaugh and Riggs….
(Riggs is driving a forklift and tries to run over Wah Sing Ku)
"Wait, I have the perfect song for this scene." Sean said as he starts playing music.
This is the song written for Jet Li.
He's gonna kick Mel Gibson's ass.
He tried to kill me with a forklift.
Ole!
"I'm sorry. I had to throw in a Mystery Science Theater 3000 joke before I finish the review." Sean chuckled.
Sean: (Narrating) Riggs fights Ku but ends up getting his ass kicked. Murtaugh tries to shoot Wah Sing Ku, but ends up shooting his older brother. And his older brother ends up dead.
Martin Riggs: Well, now you done it. Now, he's really pissed.
"Okay, guys. Just arrest the guy and let's go home." Sean said.
Martin Riggs: I'm too old for this shit, too.
I'm Getting Too Old For This Shit Counter: #9
"There you go, Riggs. You've accepted the fact that you're getting too old for this…" Sean said.
Martin Riggs: I mean, how did he do that thing with the gun? How the hell did he do that? I mean, he took my gun apart with one deft move. How did he do that?
(A clip from Girl Meets World plays)
Maya Hart (Played by Sabrina Carpenter): No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
"Dude, don't please. You two are going to get yourselves killed. Oh, dear. This won't end well. If they've got a death wish to fight Jet Li, then I better get a chance to yell this out…." Sean said as he clears his throat. "MORTAL KOMBAT!"
(Riggs and Murtaugh get into a brutal yet bloody fight while the Mortal Kombat theme plays in the background while Sean is cheering for Riggs and Murtaugh. We see Riggs facing off with Wah Sing Ku. The record scratches as we see Ku trying to choke Riggs to death)
"Oh, God! Riggs is going to get killed. Somebody, do something!" Sean yelled out.
(A clip from Spaceballs plays)
President Skroob (Played by Mel Brooks): Do something!
Dark Helmet (Played by Rick Moranis): Do something!
Colonel Sandurz (Played by George Wyner): Do something!
(Murtaugh impales Wah Sing Ku with a metal stick. The metal stick goes through him and blood squirts out)
"Ewww!" Sean winced as the scene plays back once more.
(A clip from Seinfeld plays)
Jerry Seinfeld: Sweet fancy Moses.
"Man, I cringe every time from watching that scene." Sean said as the scene where Murtaugh impales Wah Sing Ku with a metal stick plays one more time making Sean recoil in disgust. "D'oooh! Geez, man! Don't ever play that scene one more time."
Sean: (Narrating) Ku knocks out Murtaugh unconsciously, leaving Riggs to fend off the deadly lethal weapon. A piece of the concrete pier breaks apart, sending the two underwater and the fight continues. Ku tries to choke Riggs underwater but what Mr. Karate Master doesn't know is that you don't bring your martial arts moves to a gunfight.
"Wah Sing Ku, meet Mr. AK-47. Mr. AK-47, meet Wah Sing Ku. Riggs, shoot this motherfucker." Sean said.
(Riggs shoots Wah Sing Ku with a submerged AK-47 and kills him. We then cut to Riggs swimming up to the surface)
Martin Riggs: Rog! Are you up there?
Sean: (V/O as the narrator from A Christmas Story) Murtaugh laid there like a slug. It was his only defense.
Martin Riggs: Rog?
(Part of the pier breaks, sending Riggs underwater and traps him)
Sean: (Narrating) Murtaugh regains his consciousness and realizes that his friend is underwater, so he dives in and pulls part of the broken pier off of him and saves his life.
Martin Riggs: (After swimming to the surface) What took you so long?
Roger Murtaugh: What took me so long?! What the hell you mean, what took me so long? I was fuckin' knocked out over here.
"Jesus, Riggs. Just be thankful that your partner saved your life. You don't need to be a dick about it."
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, we see Riggs visiting his deceased wife's grave, telling her that he hasn't visited her in a while and confesses that he loves Lorna, asking her for help and support in marrying Lorna. But he gets interrupted by Leo practicing his P.I. techniques. Seriously, dude. Riggs is trying to have a moment with his dead wife. Before he leaves Riggs alone with his wife, Leo tells him an emotional story about his childhood.
Leo Getz: I had this pet frog. His name was Froggy. He was my best friend in the whole world. I didn't have a lot of friends. Matter of fact, I had no friends. And, uh…I used to kiss the frog too.
"Ewww, why would you kiss a frog? That's disgusting." Sean said.
Leo Getz: I was riding him on my bike one day, and he jumped out of the box, and, uh… I ran him over with the back tire. I killed him. I was really heartbroken. Really. He was my best friend in the whole world, the only thing I ever loved. And then I met you and Roger. And you guys really looked after me a lot more than you really had to.
"Wait a minute, wait a minute. Are you actually trying to have a moment? Are you actually trying to emote an emotion? Other than anger? And by looking after you, you've been slapped around by these two, pushed out of a window while one of them was trying to disarm a South African hit man, punched in the face, been told to stay in the car like a dog, got yelled at by these two, you been kidnapped by South African drug runners and was beaten by then, you get shot by an ex-cop during a hockey game, they pulled a prank on you, shot both of your tires and used you as a distraction at a dentist's office. Yeah, either they looked out for your or they treated you like complete crap." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Riggs and Leo have a little bonding moment until he gets a message on his beeper from Lorna and that she's having the baby right now, so they rush to the hospital for the birth of Riggs and Lorna's baby. You know, there's something missing before baby. No, it's not love but it's between love and baby. What is it? Oh, yeah. MARRIAGE!
Lorna Cole: (While in labor) I said I didn't wanna get married, but I do wanna get married. I wanna be a wife before I'm a mother. And I lied I just lied. And I know you don't want to.
Martin Riggs: Ok.
Lorna Cole: You said ok?
Martin Riggs: Yes, I did. Ok. Let's do it, ok?
Lorna Cole: He said ok.
Martin Riggs: Lorna, will you marry me?
Lorna Cole: (Smiles at Riggs) Oh, Riggs. You bet I will, Riggs.
"Thank you! About time you two idiots came to your senses!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) So in a last-ditch effort to get married, Leo finds a Rabbi, played by the late Richard Libertini and…
"You know what, she's about to have the baby right now. Let's do the short, short version. Do you?" Sean asked.
Martin Riggs: I will.
"Do you?" Sean asked.
Lorna Cole: Yes, I do.
"Good! You're married! Kiss her!" Sean exclaimed.
(Riggs kisses Lorna)
Sean: (Narrating) Riggs and Lorna are now married, finally. And the movie ends with Lorna giving birth to a baby boy. Rianne gives birth to a baby girl and Murtaugh accepting Butters as his son-in-law. Riggs is finally settling down. Captain Murphy gives Riggs and Murtaugh their former positions back as sergeants since the city is self-insured. The Hongs is are granted asylum and we end with this…
Hospital Employee (Played by Kenneth Jackman): Are you all friends?
Everyone: No. We're family.
Martin Riggs: We're family. That's right.
Hospital Employee: Okay, on three. One, two, three…
(Takes the photo)
Sean: (Narrating) The film ends with the cast and then we a collage of screenshots and snapshots of the cast and crew during production from all four movies while War's Why Can't We Be Friends along with Eric Clapton's Pilgrim start playing, signifying the end of a great film series.
"So, that was Lethal Weapon 4 and I wouldn't call it the worst in the series or an unnecessary sequel. It has some of it's ups and downs and I still find it enjoyable to watch. The perfect end to the perfect series. Even though the movie had mixed reviews from critics, the film currently holds a rating of 52% on Rotten Tomatoes. Also, the film debuted No.1 in the box office and the film grossed about $130 million in the U.S. Also, the film was nominated for a Razzie Award for worst supporting actor for Joe Pesci. Even though, the film series ended 20 years ago, back in 2017, there was talks of a Lethal Weapon 5 with Richard Donner, Mel Gibson and Danny Glover teaming up one more time, a proper finale for Lethal Weapon fans everywhere. You know that reminds me, who wrote the story and screenplay for the film?" Sean asked as we cut to the end credits of Lethal Weapon 4 and he sees who wrote the story for the film. "Jonathan Lemkin, Alfred Gough and Miles Millar. Wait a minute, Alfred Gough and Miles Millar. The creators of Smallville wrote the story for Lethal Weapon 4 along with Jonathan Lemkin, who wrote the screenplay for the movie Red Planet, an episode of Moonlighting and on the shows 21 Jump Street, Beverly Hills, 90210 and Hill Street Blues. And let's see who wrote the screenplay. Channing Gibson! The same Channing Gibson who worked on the TV series St. Elsewhere back in the 1980s? Holy cow, what went wrong with movie? These guys are great at story telling! All in all, I still find this movie to be enjoyable and the film series as well. If you haven't seen the movies, then check 'em out Netflix. You won't be disappointed. That's why I'm going to give Lethal Weapon 4 3 Wah Sing Ku neck snaps….out of 5. Whoo! We did it. We finally got through Lethal Weapon Month. Oh, man. What a ride. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, tune in next time when we celebrate the return of Roseanne, when I talk about the Top 11 Roseanne epis..."
Voices: Review Zombies! Review Zombies, Sean! Please! Review Zombies! You've gotta review Zombies! We need a Zombies review, Critic.
"All right, all right, all right! Someday, folks. Someday. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'm getting too old for this shit. You can count that one." Sean said as he gets up from out of his seat and leaves his office.
I'm Getting Too Old For This Shit Counter: #10
Mayhem Critic Tagline – In Hong Kong, you would be dead.
(Extra from Lethal Weapon 2-4 start playing)
(A clip from Lethal Weapon 2 plays)
Leo Getz: They fuck you at the drive-through, okay? They fuck you at the drive-through.
(A clip from Lethal Weapon 3 plays)
Leo Getz: They fuck you at the hospital. First they drug you, then they fuck you!
(A clip from Lethal Weapon 4 plays)
Leo Getz: They fuck you, they fuck you, they fuck you with the cell phones!
Leo Getz: (On camera vending machines) These machines, they take your plastic, they wreck it, then they give you the damn camera. The camera doesn't work. You know what they're doing here? They're just trying to…
"Shut up! Goddamn it! We get the point!" Sean yelled out.
And that was it for Lethal Weapon Month and the review of Lethal Weapon 4. I hope you all enjoyed Lethal Weapon Month. Any funny bits that you liked from the review and any other references that you like? I would like to thank fellow writer Boris Yeltsin for helping me out with the reviews. And yes, I will be reviewing Zombies but before I do that, I did mention that I will be talking about my top 11 episodes of Roseanne in honor of the return of Roseanne. And then I will be reviewing Zombies for all you Disney's Zombie fans, so get ready. Don't forget to review this story, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Speaking of The Mayhem Critic, there will be more Mayhem Critic when he returns in The Mayhem Critic Season 2. More Mayhem, and more movies for him to get nuts over. I will be ending this one with Batman & Robin. Wait for it, folks. I'll see you guys next time for the Top 11 Roseanne Episodes. Till next time, my fellow readers.