The Mayhem Critic
Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Well, The Summer of Vacation continues when Sean the Mayhem Critic reviews the second entry in the Vacation film series, National Lampoon's European Vacation. Let's see if the sequel is better than the original. Here's the next chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: As I stated before, I do not own anything involved in this story and all material belong to their respective sources. National Lampoon's European Vacation is owned by Warner Bros.
The Summer of Vacation Part II: National Lampoon's European Vacation
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said, before starting the introduction. "And seeing though as we're in week two of…"
Sean then gets up from out of his desk chair and runs out of his office. We then see the young critic run down the stairs, through the living room and out the door. He is then seen standing outside.
"THE SUMMER OF VACATION!" Sean said in his deep voice, ala Decker Shado before running back inside and back into his office. "We're now in the second installment in the Vacation film series, National Lampoon's European Vacation. First off, let's talk about the original Vacation."
(Footage from National Lampoon's Vacation is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) If you want my honest opinion, I loved this movie and it's one of my favorite comedies of all time. The film was based on John Hughes' short story Vacation '58 and it was directed by Harold Ramis, the film was a big hit and had a cult following. I remember watching this movie on Fox Family, before it became ABC Family, before it became Freeform. Although, I had a very sheltered childhood, R-rated movies were out of the question. Okay, so I did watch some R-rated films in my young years like Total Recall, RoboCop, F/X, The Terminator, Lethal Weapon, Die Hard, RoboCop 2 and Terminator 2. Hell, I watched my first PG-13 film when I was about 4 or 5. In case you were wondering, that film was Tim Burton's Batman and it was awesome. I didn't even watch an R-rated movie until I was about 7 years old. That movie was Police Academy, and it was awesome.
"When I rented the first Police Academy from Blockbuster, I thought it was PG because the rest of the Police Academy films were rated either PG-13 or PG. I kinda forgot why the first one had an R-rating. And I think as most R-rated movies go, it was pretty tame. Mostly because of the sexual humor and language and nudity and that podium scene where Cmdnt. Lassard is giving a speech and the prostitute hiding in the podium was giving him a blowjob. Now that I think about it, I shouldn't have watched this movie at a young age." Sean said.
(More footage from National Lampoon's Vacation is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, I'm getting way off topic here, the point is I did see National Lampoon's Vacation at a young age and I enjoyed it a lot. And watching it till this day, it still has some entertaining and hilarious characters. Chevy Chase was pretty hilarious and Christie Brinkley, well, damn she's sexy! The film was highly quotable and made a shit ton of money. I own the double-feature DVD along with today's movie that I'm going to talk about and I don't regret the purchase.
"So, after the success of National Lampoon's Vacation, a sequel was made. Well, I can already spot a major problem with this movie before I even start reviewing it. I can give you four syllables: PG-13." Sean said, as the PG-13 rating is shown.
(Footage from the films Caddyshack II, Conan the Destroyer, Police Academy 2-7, Terminator: Salvation, Terminator: Genisys, Live Free or Die Hard and RoboCop 3 is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) What is it with Hollywood toning down sequels to the original and giving them either a PG or a PG-13 rating? We've seen that happen with Conan the Destroyer, Caddyshack II, the Police Academy sequels, the Terminator, twice. They did it with RoboCop 3 and Die Hard with Live Free or Die Hard. They're doing that just for the kids to watch it. And I have to agree with Sean Moore a.k.a. Smeghead from Cinematic Excrement, he makes a very good point. Why do movie studios do that? It's just like giving Deadpool 3 a PG-13 rating.
(Footage from National Lampoon's European Vacation is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) But back to European Vacation, this movie was toned down to get a PG-13 rating so it could be family-oriented. Anyway, the film was released on July 26, 1985 and it stars Chevy Chase and Beverly D'Angelo. We find our favorite family, the Griswolds, wait, Griswalds, spelled with an "A" instead of an "O", they win a vacation tour across Europe where mayhem ensues.
"Well, let's not waste any time. Let's see if National Lampoon's European Vacation is better than the original and let's see if Europe is ready for the Griswalds." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We get our main title sequence with the song Holiday Road by Lindsey Buckingham playing. Instead of the postcards of different states, we see a passport with Clark's family. We see that Chevy Chase and Beverly D'Angelo are the only two returning cast members, we get different actors playing Audrey and Rusty. In this film, Rusty is played by Jason Lively from Fred Dekker's horror comedy Night of the Creeps.
"Fun fact, Jason Lively is the brother of actress Robyn Lively, who starred in the Disney Channel movies Not Quite Human and Not Quite Human II and his half-sister is Gossip Girl actress Blake Lively, who's married to Deadpool star Ryan Reynolds. Don't you dare get me started with Green Lantern. I'll talk about that shit storm another day." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And the role of Audrey is played by the late Dana Hill, who's voice you might recognize in animated shows and movies like Jetsons: The Movie, Rover Dangerfield, Tom & Jerry: The Movie, Adventures of the Gummi Bears, Rugrats, Darkwing Duck, Duckman and as Max Goof in Goof Troop.
"And before I forget to mention this, Dana Hill passed away on July 15, 1996 due to a diabetic stroke brought on by complications of Type 1 diabetes. She's a fantastic actress and I've seen her work and her performance in the 1981 film Fallen Angel, in which she won a Young Artist Award," Sean said. "Also, you can see why they couldn't get the original actors who played Audrey and Rusty. Anthony Michael Hall was busy filming Weird Science at that time and nobody didn't ask Dana Barron to return."
Sean: (Narrating) We see that the film was written by John Hughes and Robert Klane. But Hughes was not involved with the film. In fact, he had no idea that they were coming out with a sequel until he saw a preview of it on television. The script was written almost entirely by Robert Klane. If you don't know who Robert Klane is, he's the screenwriter for Grease 2, Weekend at Bernie's and The Man With One Red Shoe. And instead of Harold Ramis directing the film, the movie was directed by a female director named Amy Heckerling.
"In case you don't know, Amy Heckerling is known for directing the films Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Clueless, Loser and Johnny Dangerously. Oh, do you remember the movie Look Who's Talking? The movie with the baby with the voice of Bruce Willis? Yeah, she directed that and the sequel Look Who's Talking Too where Mikey's sister Julie has the voice of Roseanne. Oh, God. Let's hope that the little baby doesn't say any racial slurs in that movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After the main title sequence, we cut to an opening of a game show called Pig in a Poke, and we see that the Griswalds are competing against a rival family in the game show. Also, the show is hosted by this Richard Dawson-wannabe named Kent Winkdale, played by John Astin. And you'll see why I call him a Richard Dawson-wannabe.
(Kent kisses Audrey passionately while Clark looks on in shock)
"Is that how they do that on game shows? I have to watch Wheel of Fortune." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that Clark, played by Chevy Chase, decided to go for the big prize when Kent asks him this question about American Explorers.
Kent Winkdale (Played by John Astin): In 1804, an expedition explored an area from the Louisiana territory to the Pacific Coast. For the grand prize, what lieutenant led that expedition?
Rusty Griswald (Played by Jason Lively): I give up.
Audrey Griswald (Played by the late Dana Hill): Wait a minute, dad.
Clark Griswald (Played by Chevy Chase): Quiet down! I think I got this one.
"Uh…uh…hmmm…who is it?" Sean asked.
Kent Winkdale: Time's up, Griswalds. Do you have an answer?
Ellen Griswald (Played by Beverly D'Angelo): Clark!
Kent Winkdale: That's it! Clark, of Lewis and Clark. And the Griswalds are our grand prize winners!
Sean: (Narrating) The Griswalds win an all-expenses-paid trip to Europe starting with London, England. The next day, we see that Clark his having a cookout and we see Ellen, once again played by Beverly D'Angelo is setting the table with her son Rusty, played by Jason Lively, while Audrey, played by the late Dana Hill respectively, is busy playing tonsil hockey with her boyfriend Jack, played by William Zabka?!
"Out of all the guys in the world, Audrey has to date the asshole from The Karate Kid." Sean said.
Audrey Griswald (Played by the late Dana Hill): Oh, Jack. I can't stand the thought of being away from you for whole two weeks.
Jack (Played by William Zabka): It'll be like before we met.
Audrey Griswald: Before we met, my life was horrible and meaningless. Wasn't yours?
Jack: Yeah, sort of.
"Honey, you can be away from this guy. In fact, stay as far away from this fucker as possible. You don't know what he's capable of. He's Cobra Kai, he shows no mercy!" Sean exclaimed.
Clark Griswald: Let's light 'em up.
(Clark throws a match on the grill, causing the flames to shoot up on his face)
"Christ, man! It's a good thing you didn't end up like this guy." Sean said.
(A clip from the Flameboyant Chef is shown)
Mark Atlas: (While on fire) You're number one! (Yells)
"Oh, boy. What an idiot." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) The family takes a vote when Rusty and Audrey don't want to go to Europe, but Clark says let's all go to Europe, Jack stays in Chicago. Next, we see Clark is busy filming stuff with his JVC SF-P3 video camera and films Ellen in the shower and he has a naughty idea.
Clark Griswald: Honey, remember that song you did in college in that musical? That dance thing?
Ellen Griswald: No, I'm not going to do that. No, Clark. I'm not doing that. No.
Clark Griswald: Honey, you know I'm going to erase this.
Ellen Griswald: Really?
Clark Griswald: Yeah. Come on. What do you say?
"Okay, am I watching National Lampoon's European Vacation or is this the start of some amateur porn I'm watching?" Sean asked.
(Ellen starts singing and doing a very seductive dance while Clark films her)
"Hellooooooooooooo Nurse!" Sean exclaimed. "What? You've all expected this running gag, I mean come on, Beverly D'Angelo is hot in that scene."
Sean: (Narrating) Clark, being an idiot and doesn't turn off the camera, films himself and Ellen having sex. Oh, boy. Like nothing's going to foreshadow anything later on in the film. After that, the Griswalds are off to Europe and we see that the Griswalds dream about what their experiences will be like in Europe. Ellen dreams that her and Clark are attending a Royal party with Prince Charles and Princess Diana and Queen Elizabeth. And no, that's not the real Princess Diana. That's an actress named Julie Wooldridge. With Rusty, he has a dream that he's in a nightclub dancing with the European babes while Some Like It Hot by Power Station plays. With Audrey, well, she has a nightmare about eating fattening European foods….
"Uh, I can't make fun of this scene. I mean, Dana Hill had Type 1 diabetes and this made shooting Audrey's nightmare scene difficult because she hade to be very careful and avoid swallowing any of the food she was supposed to eat." Sean said.
"Never been to Europe." Brian said.
"My cousin's wife is from England." Sean said.
"Nice." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) As for Clark, he has a Sound of Music-type dream. Really, a Sound of Music parody in 1985? Like how many times are we going to make fun of this movie?
Clark Griswald: (Singing) The hills are alive with the sound of Griswalds. This should spin around for a very long time. I'm feeling so high that I just can't stand it. It's as though I've been here for at least a week.
"Next, please?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) The Griswalds arrive in London, England, where they stay at a fleabag hotel run by a sloppy, Cockney desk clerk, played by the late Mel Smith from the BBC sitcom Colin's Sandwich and Not the Nine O'Clock News.
Ellen Griswald: We got this from the Pig in a Poke show. They said there'd be rooms for four and a rental car waiting for us. We're the grand prize winners. Oink, oink, oink! We'll be pigs!
London Hotel Manager (Played by the late Mel Smith): Oh, the Yanks. Follow me.
"Excuse me? Yanks? Another problem with this movie, stereotypes. Not all British people act like that." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Well, at least they have good cable reception.
(Rusty is changing the channel, getting the same channel showing a documentary on cheese)
Rusty Griswald: No. No!
"Well, fuck! Now how will Rusty watch CB Strike?" Sean asked. "More problems, it only gives us what Americans think of Europeans."
Sean: (Narrating) We then get this scene where Clark leaves the bathroom and heads back to the room while Ellen is relaxing in a nice bubble bath until a young Robbie Coltrane from GoldenEye and Harry Potter walks in and she doesn't notice this and Clark enters the wrong room, when he climbs into bed and lays down next to another woman, played by Maureen Lipman. And with Clark and Ellen being the naughty horny couple, this happens.
Ellen Griswald: I have to warn you, I'm feeling very naughty tonight./I've been waiting for this. I can't believe we're alone at last. Just you and me.
Clark Griswald: I'm so horny./(Clark notices something unusual about Ellen) Ellen, when did you stop shaving your legs, honey?
(It's revealed that the person in bed laying next to Clark is not Ellen)
Ellen Griswald: Why don't you just jump in here with me?
(The man in the bathroom, played by Robbie Coltrane removes his robe while Ellen is humming the British National Anthem. The man whistles as Ellen removes the washcloth off of her face and sees the man and gasps before hiding in the water)
(A clip from GoldenEye plays)
Valentin Zukovsky (Played by Robbie Coltrane): Shaken but not stirred.
(Valentin and his men laugh)
"What? I was torn between that and Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. For those of you who seen GoldenEye this was before Harry Potter." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, the Griswolds take a tour of London in their rent-a-car, a yellow Austin Maxi. And this is the scene where it makes us Americans look bad.
Clark Griswald: (After entering the passenger side) Where's the wheel?
Rusty Griswald: Other side, dad.
(Clark and Ellen switch places as Clark starts driving on the wrong side of the road)
Ellen Griswald: Clark, you're driving on the wrong side of the road.
Clark Griswald: I realize that, honey. I'm also on the wrong side of the car.
"Clark, I know that you're new to driving in London but it is much different than driving in the United States, so what ever you do, try not to…" Sean said.
(Clark ends up hitting a car)
"Seriously?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Luckily, there's a nice driver, played by the late Paul McDowell, who doesn't freak out about Clark hitting his car and just forgives him. Yeah, I've seen videos of angry drivers in Britain and they tend to get mad.
(A montage of angry British drivers is shown)
Driver: (After a car cuts him off) Oh, you fucking wanker! You fucking useless fucking wanker! Fucking hell! Absolute cu…
Driver #2: (After honking the horn at the driver) WANKER!
"Ah, Britain. Gotta love their colorful language while driving." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Well, let's hope that Clark doesn't hit another…
(He hits another car)
"You stupid fucking wanking tosser!" Sean yelled out in a British accent. "I hope this guy kicks Griswald's ass!"
Second English Motorist (Played by the late Ballard Berkeley): We seem to have run into a bit of trouble. What rotten luck.
Clark Griswald: I'm really sorry. I'm trying to get us back to our hotel.
Second English Motorist: Ah, an American! So delighted to meet you.
(He shakes Clark's hand)
Second English Motorist: I hope you are enjoying our country.
"Another nice English motorist. And he's played by Ballard Berkeley from Fawlty Towers. He played Major Gowen." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Alright, he just had two car accidents. Let's pray that Clark does not hit…
(Clark ends up hitting a man on a bike and Ellen screams)
"Oh, great! That's great! Clark just committed a murder in the U.K.! Un-fucking-belivevable." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) No, actually the guy is not dead. He's just a little banged up. We're introduced to the unlucky Bike Rider, played by Monty Python's Eric Idle and he's the best part of this film.
Clark Griswald: I hate to bother you, but we're from the United States. We're staying at the Royal Imperial Windsor Arms.
The Bike Rider (Played by Eric Idle): Royal Imperial Windsor! Very nice hotel.
Clark Griswald: Yeah, we like it. It's a little small.
The Bike Rider: Well, you go back the way you came, and you keep going to….
(Blood spurts from out of the Bike Rider's wrist and Ellen yelps)
Ellen Griswald: (Trying to stop the bleeding) Oh, my God!
Clark Griswald: I think you got a bad cut there. We better get you to a hospital.
The Bike Rider: It's just a flesh wound, honestly.
"Okay, that was a reference to Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I don't know if anyone noticed this but he made a reference to that movie. Don't believe me, check out the clip." Sean said.
(A clip from Monty Python and the Holy Grail is shown)
The Black Knight (Played by John Cleese): It's just a flesh wound.
"Kudos to screenwriter Robert Klane for referencing that film. He must be a Monty Python fan." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Next, we see Clark driving his family around the Lambeth Bridge Roundabout and we get a shot of Big Ben and Parliament and Clark gets stuck driving around the Roundabout for hours and…
(Clark accidentally scratches another person's car)
Ellen Griswald: Clark!
Clark Griswald: That son of a bitch!
(Cutaway Gag)
Sean: (as the British motorist) You fucking dumb wanker! (Honks his horn at Clark) Bloody Yanks!
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) So, yeah. Clark gets stuck driving around the Roundabout for hours. I can understand but I haven't been to Britain and I have a feeling that it's a bitch getting out. The next day, boredom has struck Rusty and Audrey when Audrey misses her boyfriend Jack and ends up calling him. Before the Griswalds leave London, we get a shot of Buckingham Palace and Clark says the stupidest thing ever in a movie.
Clark Griswald: Hey, there's Buckingham Palace, kids. That's where the Queen lives and works.
Audrey Griswald: Works? Well, what does she do, dad?
Clark Griswald: She queens and vacuums.
Sean boos at Clark's line and so does his friend Brian and Dave the cameraman too.
(A clip from The Maltese Falcon is shown)
Joel Cairo (Played by the late Peter Lorre): You… you imbecile. You bloated idiot. You stupid fat-head you!"
Sean: (Narrating) Well, it's time to leave London. But hey, at least they don't have a high bill.
London Hotel Manager: That'll be, uh, $253 American.
Clark Griswald: Listen, this must be some kind of mistake.
Ellen Griswald: How could that be?
(Clark looks over at the bill)
Clark Griswald: Who the hell called Chicago?
(Clark looks at Rusty, then he realized that it was Audrey who called Chicago)
Clark Griswald: Audrey!
(We cut to Clark driving and we hear Audrey crying)
Ellen Griswald: Oh, now Audrey. Your father didn't really mean what he said.
Audrey Griswald: Yes, he did.
Ellen Griswald: No, not really, honey. He has nothing against Jack. He's not really going to cut off his balls. Are you, Clark?
(Clark stays silent)
Ellen Griswald: Clark?
Clark Griswald: Okay, I won't.
"Seriously? Your daughter is dating the Cobra Kai jackass. Get a motherfucking chainsaw and castrate him with it. Boy, can you imagine Greg Otto from American Housewife threatening Trip Windsor after catching him and Taylor making out in Taylor's room?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) As the Griswalds enjoy a nice drive throughout the countryside, they arrive at Stonehenge and take in the wonder of it.
Audrey Griswald: This must be where they sacrificed virgins. God, I miss Jack.
Sean: (Narrating) Well, Clark might've hit some cars and injured a cast member of Monty Python. At least Stonehenge is still standing.
(Clark backs the car into an ancient stone monolith, toppling all the stones like dominoes after leaving the scene)
"I should learn to keep my mouth shut." Sean said, slapping his head in annoyance.
"That's happened in real life." Brian said, imitating Ed of Ed, Edd 'n Eddy. "Dominoes! Let's do it again!"
Sean: (Narrating) The family arrive in Paris, France, where we get shots of some more famous landmarks like Paris' Left Bank and the Eiffel Tower.
(A clip from the Scandal season four episode Like Father, Like Daughter is shown)
Olivia Pope (Played by Kerry Washington): (To Cyrus) Stop talking! I do not care if he has the African summit in the morning. I do not care if you have to red file him to get past the Marine guard. I do not care if you have to take America into Defcon 1. I just saw the dirtiest sex tape I have ever seen in my entire life and it stars his teenage daughter! So you go upstairs and you get the President's ass out of bed, now!
"Not that type of "Eiffel Tower"! God, you all have such dirty minds. And I feel like binging the show Scandal on Netflix. I miss Olivia Pope and Fitz." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We also get a shot of the Fountaine des Innocents, where Clark asks a passerby to take a picture of them standing in the fountain, until this happens.
(The passerby runs off with the family's video camera)
Clark Griswald: Hey! Hey!
Ellen Griswald: Clark, there isn't anything on that tape that shouldn't be there, is there?
Clark Griswald: They took my camera!
Ellen Griswald: Clark! There isn't anything on that tape that shouldn't be there. Remember? The (singing) Ba-Ba-Ba, Ba-Ba-Ba. That's gone right? You erased it?
Clark Griswald: Yeah, I erased that, honey.
"Oh, don't worry. It's not like it's going to come back and bite him on the ass. That guy won't find your amateur porn on the tape." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The family arrives at the hotel and the French desk clerk, played by the late Jacques Herlin, checks them in.
Hotel Desk Clerk (Played by the late Jacques Herlin): May I help you?
Clark Griswald: We're the Clark W. Griswalds. We have a reservation for two chambres.
Hotel Desk Clerk: Can I see your passports?
Clark Griswald: Yeah, of course.
(Clark hands the desk clerk their passports. The clerk looks at the Griswalds passports and starts laughing)
Hotel Desk Clerk: (Speaking in French) I don't believe it./(Speaking in French) Typical American Assholes.
"Excuse me!? Who the hell are you calling American Assholes, you cheese-eating, Pepe LePew-talking moron? You're forgetting that we saved your asses from the Nazis in World War II, so I suggest that you shut the fuck up, Frenchie!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) As they get settled in their hotel room, and Clark gives his family some stenciled berets, which proves embarrassing for Rusty, then it's time to try out some of the French cuisine.
Clark Griswald: (Taking his order while speaking in French very badly): Nous voulons commander a dejeuner, please.
Café Waiter (Played by Philippe Sturbelle): (Speaking in French) Obviously you don't speak French. You don't understand a damn word.
Clark Griswald: Okay. (Speaks in French badly) Les enfants desire hamburger et frites.
"Uh, Clark. It's pronounced Les enfants. You pronounced it wrong." Sean said, correcting Clark.
Sean: (Narrating) And this is where the movie makes Americans look bad in Paris.
Clark Griswald: My femme would like to commander the soufflé fromage. Et moi, I'll have the veau, the veal.
Café Waiter: (Speaking in French) Your wife has wonderful, big tits./And your daughter has a great little ass.
Clark Griswald: Just a little brie, yeah. And, uh. Uh, we'll get that later. Merci beaucoup.
Café Waiter: (Speaking in French) Go fuck yourself.
"You make fun of the French, they'll mock you back, dude." Brian said.
"Well, at least they're going to have some excellent French cuisine." Sean said.
(We see that the chefs in the kitchen are preparing the food. The food is revealed to be microwaveable meals)
"You fucking French frauds! Where's Chef Ramsay when you need him?" Sean asked.
(A clip from Hell's Kitchen is shown)
Chef Gordon Ramsay: Fine dining? A fine fucking mess!
"I couldn't agree more." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After that quote unquote "fine dining", the Griswalds check out the Eiffel Tower and go up on the observation deck to check out the city of love. Then we see Rusty trying to hit on some cute French girls, but then he gets humiliated by the stupid hat Clark made him wear and then it's time for Clark's father-son talk with him.
Clark Griswald: Couple of things here. First of all, you're never an idiot. You're a Griswald. You understand that? Huh?
Rusty Griswald: Yeah.
Clark Griswald: Second of all, Russ. You know I'd never do anything to injure you. You know I'd never do anything to hurt my opinion of myself, right? So, if the beret bothers you, it bothers me. If it upsets you, it upsets me. Okay?
(Clark removes Rusty's beret from off of his head)
Clark Griswald: Ah.
(Clark throws the beret away as another visitor's dachshund mistakes it for a Frisbee and jumps off the tower after it. The dog catches the hat and swims in the water)
"Whew! Boy, I thought Clark was about to murder that dog. That little mutt was lucky. He got a kiss by the angel of death. That was the angel of death saying, "Now you had your fun, don't do that shit again."" Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Later that night, Clark and Ellen decide to have a little alone time by having a little romantic evening with each other on their first night in Paris and what better way to check out the Paris nightlife is a nice romantic dinner at a fancy restaurant.
(We see that Clark takes Ellen to a bawdy can-can dance show, we see that the dancers are wearing lingerie)
"Clark, when I said I wanted to see some entertainment, that's not what I meant." Sean said, imitating Ellen. "I mean, seriously, would you want to take your wife or girlfriend to some burlesque show in Paris?"
(We see that the next performers doing a fitness routine while wearing spandex, their bare breasts are shown but are censored by Sean's face.)
"Boy, they're really going for a PG-13 rating here. You do realize that this is a family picture?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Having enough of French culture for one night, Ellen wants to head back to their hotel until she notices someone familiar.
(Clark looks and sees a hooker sitting at a table)
Clark Griswald: But it's just a hooker, they're all over the place.
Ellen Griswald: Look who she's with.
(Clark looks and sees that the hooker is with Rusty)
Clark Griswald: Russ?!
"Another problem that I have with this movie is that they turned Rusty into a horny teen. I guess that's a major trope in 80s films, you got to have the horny teenage boy. I just don't like what they did with the character. He wasn't like that in the original." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Clark and his family explore more of Paris and we get a shot of Notre Dame de Paris cathedral and the Louvre museum.
Ellen Griswald: Will you please slow down? The kids are exhausted.
Clark Griswald: Honey, it closes in 15 minutes. There are 100, 000 works of art to see. Come on!
(An exhausted Audrey faints on the steps of the Louvre)
Rusty Griswald: Great. Are you happy, dad? She's dead.
(Rusty kicks Audrey)
"Thanks, thanks a lot." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After checking out the Louvre, the Griswalds get right back on schedule and while they're eating breakfast, Audrey gets a letter from Jack and receives some bad news.
Jack: (V/O) Dear Audrey, I've missed the shit out of you. Luckily, Debbie's been coming by to cheer me up.
Audrey Griswald: That bitch!
"Don't you just love kids cursing in movies?" Sean asked with a smile on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) Audrey gets upset by Jack's letter and starts eating while Rusty is busy watching the newlywed couple from the U.S.A. sitting at another table making out passionately.
Rusty Griswald: Dad, I think he's going to pork her.
Clark Griswald: He's not going to pork her now, Rusty. Just, uh. Just eat, okay.
Rusty Griswald: I think he is, dad.
(Clark looks over at the couple)
Clark Griswald: He may pork her, Russ. Just eat, okay?
(Rusty keeps watching with a goofy look on his face)
(A clip from Cheers is shown)
Sam Malone (Played by Ted Danson): You can't shut up long enough to write a check. You know as a matter of fact you can't shut up at all.
"Did I mention I hate what they did with that character?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) The Griswalds arrive in a West German village to visit Clark's ancestors and then we get the song Holiday Road playing during the drive before arriving.
Clark Griswald: (After arriving in the village) What are we looking for?
Audrey Griswald: Sechs, dad.
Clark Griswald: That will do, Audrey.
Rusty Griswald: Dad, that's German for "six."
Clark Griswald: Come on…is that true, honey?
(Ellen nods her head)
"Come on, what kind of idiot are you? Who confuses "six" with "sex"? Probably Jerry Seinfeld." Sean said, referencing the Seinfeld season five episode The Lip Reader.
Clark Griswald: (After knocking on the elderly German couple's door) Guten tag. Uh, my family and I are looking for sechs.
German Man: Schweinhund!
"And this idiot is the next person to do so and is called either a "pig-dog" or "bastard" in German." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Clark and his family burst in on an elderly couple, not knowing that they entered the wrong house. They think that the elderly couple are their relatives but they end up providing them dinner and let them stay and not able to understand their language.
Fritz Spritz (Played by the late Willy Millowitsch, credited as William Millowitsch): (Speaking in German) Who the hell were they?
Helga Spritz (Played by the late Erika Wackernagel, credited as Erica Wackernagel): (Speaking in German) Beats the shit out of me.
"Okay, that was my favorite bit in the movie. That and the other funny bit with the bedpans." Sean said.
(Clark is using the bedpan to brush his teeth as Rusty enters the room while holding a bedpan)
Rusty Griswald: Hey, dad. Look. Bedpans!
(Clark spits in disgust)
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Clark and his family arrive at a German festival. Probably Oktoberfest, where they see a bunch of Bavarian dancers doing the chicken dance. With Rusty, he's getting lucky with a hot German girl, played by Claudia Neidig.
(The German girl unbuttons her top, exposing her breasts to Rusty)
Rusty Griswald: (Smiles in joy) Holy shit.
"Oh, my god! Why would you ruin that character and turn him into a horny little toad like friggin' Glen Quagmire from Family Guy?" Sean asked.
(Cutaway Gag)
Brian: Who else but Rusty?
Singers: He's Rusty. Rusty
You never really know what he's gonna do next
He's Rusty. Rusty
Sean: (V/O as Rusty) Giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity! Let's have sex!
(The German girl unbuttons her top, exposing her breasts to Rusty)
Rusty Griswald: (Smiles in joy, with Quagmire's voice) All right!
Brian: Who else but Rusty?
Singers: He's Rusty. Rusty
Sean: (V/O as Rusty) Giggity-giggity-goo!
(Cutaway gag ends)
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile with Clark, Ellen and Audrey, Clark is picked out to join the Bavarian folk dancers on stage. Like nothing could go wrong, right?
(During the dance, Clark gets slapped by one of the Bavarian dancers. Then, Clark headbutts the same guy who slapped him)
"Clark, don't do this. It's bad enough that you turned one vacation into Tru TV's World's Dumbest Drivers, Meltdowns, Criminals, Hillbillies, Daredevils and Outlaws. We don't need this one to turn into World's Dumbest Brawlers." Sean said.
(After getting slapped by the same guy, Clark ends up punching the man in the face, then gets punch out by the dancer, turning a lively Bavarian folk dance stage performance into an all-out street brawl)
Sean: (V/O) Oh, shit!
"Great job, Clark. You just turned this performance into World's Dumbest Brawlers. I hope that the pony-lion is not involved. Also, if Clark caused a brawl at Oktoberfest in Cincinnati during the chicken dance, I'm leaving out of Duke Convention Center from the Comic Expo and I'm bringing Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, William Zabka, Clark Gregg and Levar Burton with me to Fountain Square to beat this guy up. Nobody ruins the chicken dance in my city!" Sean points at the camera.
"Uh, I think you're supposed to slap the guy back. Not headbutt or punch him." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) A fight breaks out and everyone starts beating the shit out of each other. Then, the bells start ringing, which means…
Rusty's German Girl (Played by Claudia Neidig): They're going to hang somebody!
(Rusty thinks for a moment, then realizes who they're going to hang)
Rusty Griswald: Dad!
"Clark Griswald's gonna die in Germany! This movie's getting pretty good." Sean said, with a smile on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) With the Germans ready to kill them, the Griswalds high-tail it out of here with Clark driving wildly and knocking down several street vendors and trying to re-enact a scene from Batman Returns but gets his car stuck in a narrow archway. Clark and his family make it onto the next train to Rome. Turning the train ride, the family gets pissed off at each other and not talk to each other and they start to annoy each other with loud noises.
(Audrey rips a photo of Jack, then blows a bubble and chews her gum loudly, irritating Ellen. Next, we see Rusty tapping on his tape recorder and listening to music while singing, irritating Clark. Then, Clark starts messing around with the ashtray, irritating Ellen. And Ellen starts shaking her newspaper to irritate her husband)
"Hey, if we're going to irritate each other with the most annoying sounds in the world, we might as well." Sean said as he starts yelling like Lloyd from Dumb and Dumber.
(We get a montage of annoying sound playing throughout the scene. Sounds including an alarm clock, a power drill, a fax machine, a man singing, an annoying cat meowing, clips of annoying laughs, Janice from Friends laughing, Fran from The Nanny laughing)
(A clip from Kindergarten Cop plays)
Det. John Kimble (Played by Arnold Schwarzenegger): SHUT UP!
Sean stops making the most annoying sound in the world and stays quiet with a sad look on his face before looking down at his desk. "I'm sorry."
Sean: (Narrating) The family arrive at their last destination of their European vacation, Rome, Italy. God, I hope that they don't run into the Vatican. Please don't ruin the Vatican. The Griswalds head down to the nearest travelers checks place…
(We see that it says "The Nearest Travelers Checks Place" on the screen)
Sean: (Narrating) Thank you, movie. I already said that. You didn't have to remind us like Superman IV. They head down to the nearest travelers checks place, where it's being robbed by a thief, played by the late Victor Lanoux, and his associate, played by Massimo Sarchielli. They hold the real manager hostage and the thief pretends to be the man in charge of the travel office.
The Thief (Played by the late Victor Lanoux): What we need now is a dupe. Someone above suspicion who will believe anything you tell him. A real idiot.
"Right. And that real idiot will be walking through this door in about 3, 2, 1…" Sean said.
(Clark and his family enter the travel office)
Clark Griswald: Hello, anybody here?
Sean: (Narrating) The thief pretends to be the manager and while he's doing that he becomes attracted to Ellen and gives them $3,000. The thief gives them a car with the real manager inside. So, the first thing they do in Rome is going shopping for some new clothes.
(We get a montage of Clark and his family trying on some new clothes while Dr. John's New Looks plays)
"Well, Italy's got some excellent fashion. Also, try not to ruin the Vatican. We don't need you guys to cause an international incident." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After buying some new wardrobe, the Griswalds stop at a hotel and Clark bumps into a familiar face from London.
Clark Griswald: Hey, it's you. The guy from London.
The Bike Rider: You're the American I ran into.
Clark Griswald: Yeah.
"Run! Run like your fucking life depended on it because it does! You do not want to deal with Clark Griswald! You're trying to enjoy your little holiday." Sean said.
Clark Griswald: Kids, look who it is! Say "hi"!
(Clark accidentally hits the bike rider in his face)
"Not again." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Clark and the Griswalds are walking around the Piazza Navona and Audrey becomes depressed about Jack and wanting to go home because she misses him.
Audrey Griswald: Well, the Colosseum will always be there. It's been there for 2,000 years. But if I don't go home soon, Jack's gonna fall in love with Debbie and then I'll just die.
Clark Griswald: Oh, Audrey. Don't you want to see the Colosseum before you die?
Audrey Griswald: I hate you.
"Ugh, vacations. Right?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) With Clark and Ellen deciding whether or not Rusty and Audrey should go off on their own in Rome, Ellen discovers something shocking.
(Ellen, with her eyes widened in shock, sees a billboard with a picture of her on it, advertising a porn called La Donna Nella Doccia, which translates to The Wet Hot Wife)
Ellen Griswald: Oh, my God!
"The Wet Hot Wife? Sounds like a porn I saw with Cherie DeVille in it. Maybe it involved a lesbian scene between her and Scarlett Sage." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Ellen becomes livid at Clark, who told Ellen that he had erased the video, and she storms off to the hotel as the family go on their separate ways in Rome. Clark is busy checking out some of the landmarks, please stay away from the Vatican. Meanwhile, Rusty meets a girl who's from California and the two of them hit it off. By the way, the girl that Rusty is talking to is played by…
(A clip from Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me is shown)
Dr. Evil (Played by Mike Myers): Moon Unit Zappa.
"Thank you, Dr. Evil. She's played by Moon Zappa, who's the sister of musician Dweezil Zappa and she's the daughter of the late Frank Zappa, who's also a musician. He also played a bad guy on an episode of Miami Vice during the show's second season." Sean said.
Rusty Griswald: So, what are you doing in Rome?
Rusty's California Girl (Played by Moon Zappa): Traveling through Europe with my folks.
Rusty Griswald: Me to. We won…
Rusty's California Girl: Pig in a Poke. I saw the show.
Rusty Griswald: You saw the show?
Rusty's California Girl: Sure. You answered the Thomas Edison question and you won your dad the car wax.
Rusty Griswald: You remembered?
Rusty's California Girl: Yeah, I thought you were cute.
"I'm cute! She thinks I'm cute!" Sean said in his Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer voice.
Sean: (Narrating) Back at the hotel, a humiliated Ellen encounters the thief who rented them the car and he tries to charm her and Ellen tells him about her recent troubles.
Ellen Griswald: (Crying) I said the "F" word in front of my children! What kind of a woman am I?
"Hold it, hold it. She said the "F" word in front of her children? Can we play that footage from before?" Sean asked.
Ellen Griswald: Oh, forget your vote!
"Yeah, movie. I don't recall her saying the "F" word. Boy, this movie keeps making mistake after mistake." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The thief tries to seduce Ellen, but Ellen pushes him away until he noticed that the police arrived and he kidnaps Ellen.
Audrey Griswald: Mother!
Clark Griswald: Hi, hon. What's the matter?
Audrey Griswald: Dad, I think mom's been kidnapped.
(The Superman theme plays after Clark removes his glasses)
Sean: (Narrating) And now the chase is on when Clark, Audrey, Rusty and Rusty's California Girl go after the thief and Ellen in a thrilling, yet comical car chase throughout the streets of Rome, try not to hit the Pope.
(A tire bursts on Clark's car)
Clark Griswald: (Bad dubbing) Darn it all!
"Oh, really? Like I don't know what he said. He clearly said "Oh, fuck!" over that bad dubbing. Come on, movie. At least let Chevy Chase say the "F" word. That's what the PG-13 rating is for." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) With a blown-out tire, Clark goes Grand Theft Auto: European Vacation on our asses and steals someone's bike and he goes after the thief and Ellen. The chase ends when the thief crashes the car into the fountain, we see Eric Idle one last time until Christmas Vacation 2, Clark punches out the thief and saves Ellen.
Ellen Griswald: I love you, Sparky. You're my hero.
Clark Griswald: I know.
(Clark hugs Ellen)
Rusty's California Girl: Your parents are actually pretty cool.
Rusty Griswald: Yeah, they're good for a few laughs, sometimes.
Audrey Griswald: Now can we go home?
"Yes, please. I think you caused enough damage in Europe. I think you almost hit the Pope." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, the Griswalds' European vacation ends as they fly back to the good ol' U.S. of A., at least this flight will go well…
(Clark enters the cockpit, knocking the pilot down, causing his head to get stuck underneath the controls while the plane flies uncontrollably and Clark screams. We see that the plane knocks the Statue of Liberty's torch upside down.
Rusty Griswald: Yup. The Griswalds are back!
"Ooh, if I want to wake up with a Fanfiction account, I am not going to make that offensive joke." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And the film ends with an end credits sequence showing a montage of everything that's American while Network's Back in America plays)
"And that was National Lampoon's European Vacation and I thought it was an okay sequel." Sean said.
(Clips from National Lampoon's European Vacation is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) The movie had some problems here and there. I mean, it's a retread of the original but putting the Griswalds in Europe instead of California. The movie can be stereotypical at times and the Rusty character tends to be out of character by making him a teenage sexpot, I don't have a problem with Jason Lively's performance. I thought he did a good job at portraying Rusty, I have a problem with how the character is written. Aside from mixed reviews, European Vacation ranked number one at the box office. As for the performances, Chevy Chase is hilarious as always as Clark W. Griswald and Beverly D'Angelo is amazing as always as the beautiful yet cautious wife Ellen, and I also loved the performances of Jason Lively and Dana Hill as Rusty and Audrey Griswald. Plus, I loved the addition of Eric Idle, I've watched him in Monty Python and the movie Casper and he's hilarious in this one as well. It's an okay sequel, not as good as the first one but still hilarious. If you enjoyed watching the original Vacation, then you're going to love Europen Vacation. That's why I'm giving National Lampoon's European Vacation 3 Pigs in a Poke out of 5.
"That's it for my review of National Lampoon's European Vacation. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time for more Summer of Vacation." Sean said.
Mayhem Critic Tagline – It's just a flesh wound, honestly.
That's it for my review of National Lampoon's European Vacation. I hope you all enjoyed reading it. Any funny bits that you like? Is there anything for me to improve, let me know. I would love to hear your input. Next time on the Mayhem Critic, The Summer of Vacation continues when Sean takes a look at the Top 11 Funniest Vacation Moments. If there are any funny moments from the Vacation film series that you want me to add, feel free to let me know. Don't forget to review this story, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.
In Memory of
Anthony Bourdain
June 25, 1956-June 8, 2018
"Skills can be taught. Character you either have or you don't have."