The Mayhem Critic
Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Okay, so this review is going to be a two-parter since the movie that I'm gonna review is 2hr., 50min. Today, I am going to be reviewing the trainwreck simply known as The Godfather Part III and simply ask what the hell was Coppola thinking. So here it is part one of The Godfather Part III review. Enjoy.
Episode Twenty-Nine (Part 1)
The Godfather Part III
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said before talking about today's topic. "Let's talk about movie trilogies. Why are there so goddamn many of them?"
(Clips from different movie trilogies are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) It's like movie directors have a wet dream about the number three. Every trilogy has got to have a beginning, middle and end approach to the film series. Trilogies are the preferred form of a multi-film narrative. When you go for the three film tactic, you have some trilogies that are good: like the Iron Man trilogy, the original Star Wars trilogy, the Toy Story trilogy, the Lord of the Rings trilogy and Christopher Nolan's Dark Knight trilogy. Then, you have the third film in the trilogy that sucks tons of ass. With every Mummy film there's Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, with every Matrix movie there's The Matrix Revolutions, with every Alien film there's Alien 3, with every X-Men movie there's X-Men: The Last Stand and twice with X-Men Apocalypse, with every NeverEnding Story film there's The NeverEnding Story III and with every RoboCop movie there's RoboCop 3.
"So why is the third film in the film trilogy always a disappointment? Well, let's take at today's topic that's the prime example of the worst film in the film trilogy, The Godfather Part III." Sean said.
(The title screen for The Godfather Part III is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on December 25, 1990. The Godfather Part III was the highly-anticipated sequel to one of the greatest and most beloved American crime sagas ever produced. The film was released sixteen years after the release of The Godfather Part II. But before we talk about The Godfather Part III, let's talk about The Godfather and The Godfather Part II. By the way, there will be spoilers for the first two movies if you haven't seen them before you read this review.
(Clips from The Godfather is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) The Godfather was released in 1972 and it was directed by Francis Ford Coppola, produced by Albert S. Ruddy and based on the best-selling novel by Mario Puzo. The film starred the late Marlon Brando as Vito Corleone, the patriarch and the Don of a New York crime family, Al Pacino as his son youngest son Michael Corleone, James Caan as Sonny Corleone, Robert Duvall as Tom Hagen, Diane Keaton as Kay Adams, the late John Cazale as Fredo Corleone and Talia Shire as Connie Corleone. This movie is a family melodrama told in an operatic scale that deals with America, the plight of immigration and the pursuit of happiness, greed, corruption and crime. The film also focuses on Michael's transformation from being a family outsider to a ruthless mafia boss. The film was the highest-grossing film of 1972 and one of the greatest gangster movies ever made. It won an Oscar for Best Actor and Best Adapted Screenplay.
(Clips from The Godfather Part II is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Enter The Godfather Part II, the prequel/sequel to the original movie. With the sequel focusing on Michael as the new Don protecting the family business after an attempt on his life, the prequel focused on the journey of his father Vito, played by Robert De Niro. The film got mixed reviews but it's still a damn good movie.
"My only nitpick about this movie is the runtime. It's like 3hrs. 22min! My God. I'm sorry but the movie bored me to death. I still like but it's too damn long. It felt like that I grew old and died from watching that movie." Sean said.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(Sean is sitting on his couch watching The Godfather Part II. While watching the movie, we see Sean aging a bit, getting older and older. We cut back to footage from the film and we cut back to Sean, who's now a skeleton and his jaw falls off)
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) But yeah, The Godfather and The Godfather Part II were pretty awesome. There's no way that you can continue on with the film series. Part II had the perfect ending, it ended with Michael being the most powerful and feared gangster. He killed his brother, he killed his enemies, he pushed his friends away and he pushed his wife away. But Coppola decided that he got to have money, by making a third sequel sixteen years later.
"Well, from the looks of it we see that the late Gordon Willis came back to work on the film as a cinematographer, Coppola was directing, Mario Puzo and Coppola worked on the screenplay and Pacino had come back. Nothing can possibly go wrong." Sean said.
(Clips from The Godfather Part III is shown)
(The sound of glass breaking is heard as we see Michael with his ridiculous haircut)
Sean: (Narrating) We get the haircut….
(We cut to Sofia Coppola as Mary Corleone)
Sean: (Narrating) And her….
(We cut to Diane Keaton as Kay Adams)
Sean: (Narrating) And her….
(We cut to Eli Wallach as Don Altobello)
Sean: (Narrating) And him….
(We cut to Talia Shire as Connie Corleone)
Sean: (Narrating) And her….
(Sean begins to notice George Hamilton sitting behind Talia Shire's character)
Sean: (Narrating) What the hell? Is that George Hamilton?
"Oh, this is gonna hurt." Sean said, imitating Robin Williams' character Batty from Ferngully: The Last Rainforest. "I'm not gonna like this one bit. By the way, this review will be in two parts and this is part one. But don't worry, I have my six-pack of Samuel Adams Boston Lager to help me get through this review. This is The Godfather Part III. God help me."
Sean: (Narrating) The film opens with an opening montage of the old Corleone Compound from Part II. It's all old, brokedown and abandoned, just like Michael. Then, we get Michael's voiceover and him writing to his children Mary and Anthony, letting them and the audience know what's going on throughout the years.
Michael Corleone (Played by Al Pacino): (V/O) My dear children. It is now better than several years since I moved to New York and I haven't seen you as much as I would like to.
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. And the film let's us know that it's 1979 after we cut to New York. We see that Michael, played by Al Pacino, is at a church ceremony of Papal honors because he is being awarded for his charitable work. We see that his children Anthony and Mary are living with their mother Kay, whom Michael divorced. Did I mention he donated part of his wealth in charitable acts? But hey, God knows what Michael did to his brother and the film reminds us what happened at the end of The Godfather Part II.
(The scene shows a flashback to Fredo's assassination)
Sean: (V/O as God) I know what you did, Michael. You will burn in Hell for this.
Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, Michael is named a Commander of the Order of Saint Sebastian. Then, we cut to a party at Michael's apartment and we're introduced to Vincent Mancini, played by Andy Garcia, who's Cuban.
"A Cuban playing an Italian. Where have I seen this before? Oh yeah, Brian De Palma's The Untouchables. He played George Wallace." Sean said, mentioning Andy Garcia's character.
Sean: (Narrating) In case you were wondering who Vincent Mancini is, he's the illegitimate son of Sonny Corleone and his mistress Lucy Mancini, the chick that Sonny banged at his sister's wedding.
"That storyline gets crazier in the novel, trust me." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. Remember how crazy Sonny was in the first film?
(A clip from The Godfather is shown, showing the scene where Sonny beats up Carlo on the street in front of people)
Sean: (Narrating) Well, here's the thing about Vincent. He's a tad bit crazy.
(Different scenes from The Godfather Part III are shown)
Vincent Mancini (Played by Andy Garcia) (After pushing Joe) You want to dance with me, sweetie?
(Vincent grabs Joe and attacks him./Next clip shows Vincent biting Joey Zaza's ear off./The third clip shows Vincent shooting and killing two hitmen)
"Did I say a "tad bit crazy"? I meant he's fucking crazy. He's like Danny Bonaduce, Mark Hamill's The Joker, Mel Gibson, Charlie Sheen and Vegeta combined. You got one guy who's uber crazy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After arriving at the reception and getting hit on by girls we come to…
Mary Corleone (Played by Sofia Coppola): Hi, Vincent. I remember you.
"Oh, God." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating and sighs) Ladies and gentlemen, this is Mary Corleone played by Sofia Coppola. The worst part of The Godfather Part III and you didn't think that was going to talk about her, didn't you? Yeah, Coppola has a tendency of sneaking his own daughter in his movies like The Outsiders and New York Stories, in this one he gave her a starring role.
(A clip from In Sanity, Florida is shown)
Emma Scott Fitzgerald (Played by Tommi Rose): Grab yourself some popcorn, this is gonna be good.
(A montage of Mary Corleone in The Godfather Part III is shown)
Mary Corleone: I really love him./I'm your little cousin./I love my family.
"Ugh, she does better as a director." Brian said after taking a gulp of white wine.
"Agreed." Sean said, taking a sip of his Boston lager.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, she played Michael's infant nephew in that classic baptism/murder montage in The Godfather and she played the small immigrant child in The Godfather Part II. Hell, Coppola tends to put his family in his movies: his son the late Gian-Carlo Coppola as Cousin James in Rumble Fish and he was the associate producer of The Outsiders, his sister Talia Shire, his other son Roman Coppola as young Sonny Corleone in The Godfather Part II, his father the late Carmine Coppola to compose the music for The Godfather Part II and III and The Outsiders and his nephew Nicolas Cage as Vincent Dwyer in The Cotton Club. Nepotism much, Coppola. But hey, bad casting choice. Here's an interesting factoid: Julia Roberts was originally cast as Mary but she dropped out due to scheduling conflicts, then there was Madonna who wanted to play the part but Coppola felt that she was too old.
"Too old? Dude, she was only 30 or 31 at that time. That is not old. Look at her now at age 60. She's still smoking hot in her 60s. So you shut the fuck about her being old, fat boy!" Sean exclaimed.
(A press photo of Rebecca Schaeffer for My Sister Sam is shown as well as other photos of Schaeffer)
Sean: (Narrating) And then of course there's the late Rebecca Schaeffer who was set to audition for the role of Mary Corleone, but she was murdered by Robert John Bardo. And this upsets me because if she wasn't murdered by that fucking psycho, she would've gotten the role. She would've been great but her life ended shortly.
"Last but not least, there's Wynona Ryder but she dropped out of the film the last minute. Don't worry, in two years she'll star in Bram Stoker's Dracula." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, we see Coppola putting on her best bad acting skills and she starts flirting with him and before I forget, yes they're cousins but we'll get to that later. And trust me we will. Anyway, Michael gives 100 million dollars to the church to help the people of Sicily and he starts talking to Archbishop Gilday, played by the late Irish actor Donal Donnelly.
Archbishop Gilday (Played by the late Donal Donnelly): Michael. You've done a wonderful thing for Sicily.
Michael Corleone: Let's just hope that the money gets to the people who need it.
Archbishop Gilday: Amen.
"Wink, fucking, wink." Sean said, giving a wink.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that Michael's ex-wife, Kay, played by Diane Keaton, is remarried and the two have an uneasy reunion when Kay tells him that his son Anthony, played by Franc D'Ambrosio, wants to talk to him about something important. To make a long story short, his son doesn't want to practice law, he wants to become an opera singer.
Michael Corleone: What's wrong with being a lawyer?
Kay Adams Michaelson (Played by Diane Keaton): Nothing, except he doesn't want it. He loves music, he wants his life to be in music.
Michael Corleone: Music is great, I love music. But he should finish what he started.
"I love music too but it's his choice to become a professional singer. He's an adult, let him live his own life." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Michael wants Anthony to finish law school or join the family business, but Anthony tells his father "fuck you, I'm becoming a singer.". Then, Michael and Kay get into an argument.
Kay Adams Michaelson: Now that you're so respectable, I think you're more dangerous than ever. In fact, I preferred you when you were just a common Mafia hood.
Michael Corleone: Now, can we talk common sense here?
Kay Adams Michaelson: Tony knows that you killed Fredo.
"Wait, how the fuck did Anthony know that Michael killed Fredo? He wasn't there! He didn't witness the whole thing! Michael's bodyguard probably took Anthony to get some ice cream." Sean said.
(Cutaway Gag)
Sean: (as Anthony) I want to stay with daddy and fish with Uncle Fredo.
Rob: (as Bodyguard) Your dad wants me to take you to go get some ice cream. How does chocolate and vanilla sound?
Sean: Holy cow, daddy's going to kill Uncle Fredo, is he?
Rob: Want sprinkles with your ice cream?
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Michael Corleone: I spent my life protecting my son. I spent my life protecting my family!
Kay Adams Michaelson: Let's be reasonable, okay?
"Reasonable? The last time you tried to be reasonable you ended up getting a slap in the face by Michael after telling him that you aborted his unborn child. And second, the reason why Michael killed Fredo was because he was weak and stupid." Sean said.
(A clip from The Godfather Part II is shown)
Fredo Corleone (Played by the late John Cazale): I can handle things, I'm smart! Not like everybody says.
"This coming from a guy who dropped his gun right when his daddy gets shot five times." Sean said.
"He could've heard the gunshot and guessed what happened. And also, Fredo betrayed Michael's secrets to that Jewish dude." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, we see that Vincent the cousin picker-up…(clears throat), I mean Vincent, has moved on from his cousin, thank God, to a beautiful reporter by the name of Grace Hamilton, played by Bridget Fonda, and he starts flirting with her.
Vincent Mancini: You could hurt somebody with those. You've been working too hard. Let me show you around.
Grace Hamilton (Played by Bridget Fonda): Can you get me an interview with Michael Corleone?
Vincent Mancini: No. I'm a relative, but I can't do that. What else can I do for you?
Grace Hamilton: Handsome, but useless.
Vincent Mancini: Oh, yeah?
"How about you come over to my place tonight? I have a fine Cuban cigar that you can smoke. And by Cuban cigar, I mean my d…" Sean said.
(A clip from Bronson is shown)
Bronson (Played by Tom Hardy) Shut your fucking mouth!
"Sorry, Tom Hardy. Please don't turn into Venom and eat my limbs." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And now we're back to Michael, who is talking to his own Godfather named Don Altobello, played by the late Eli Wallach. And he's a sweet old man, isn't he?
Don Altobello (Played by the late Eli Wallach): My duty to God is clear. I have a special favor to ask you. Can I attach my name to the Vito Corleone Foundation, so that you and I can be joined in name and spirit?
(Don Altobello gives Michael a check for $1 million dollars)
Don Altobello: One million dollars.
"A check for $1 million dollars that he gave to Michael. Isn't he a sweet, old man?" Sean asked with a smile on his face.
"Don't trust him." A voice said.
Sean began to look around the room trying to figure out where the mysterious voice is coming from.
"What the hell was that?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) We're also introduced to another character named BJ Harrison, played by George Hamilton and he's Michael's lawyer. Wow, I didn't know that Spencer Blitz worked as a lawyer for the Mafia before moving to Westport. And another character we're introduced to Father Andrew Hagen, played by John Savage from The Deer Hunter. Andrew is the son of Tom Hagen. I just wanted to let you know that because it's totally irrelevant.
"Originally, Tom Hagen was supposed to be in the movie, but Robert Duvall dropped out because he wanted to get paid a salary comparable to Pacino's. So when Duvall dropped out, Coppola rewrote the screenplay with Hagen dying before the story began. In the 2006 novel The Godfather's Revenge, Tom Hagen was kidnapped by the traitorous Corleone caporegime Nick Geraci and drowned in the Florida Everglades." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Michael's personal enforcer and assassin Al Neri, played by the late Richard Bright, lets him know that Joey Zasa has arrived. And who is Joey Zasa? Well, he's the guy that owns of what used to be the Corleone family business. He's played by Agent David Rossi himself Joe Mantegna.
"Fun fact: the character is based on three real life Mafia members Joseph Colombo, Joe Gallo and John Gotti." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) He tells Michael that he has a problem with one Vincent Mancini and he has a hundred dollar beef with him and Connie, played by Talia Shire, arranges Vincent to meet with Zasa.
Michael Corleone: What does all this have to do with me?
Vincent Mancini: Well, he's going on behind your back saying "Fuck Michael Corleone" all the time. That's it. See? That's one thing it has to do with you. Right? Say it to his face, one time. Say it to his face, one time!
"It's more than that." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Michael tells Vincent to make his peace with Zaza and right when he does that, Zasa calls Vincent a "bastardo" and this happens.
(Vincent bites Zasa's ear)
Al Neri (Played by the late Richard Bright): (Pulling Vincent away from Zasa after he bites his ear) Vinne, for Christ sakes! What the hell's the matter with you? Get him out of here.
Michael Corleone: Jesus Christ.
"Kay was right. This whole family is fucking crazy." Sean said, imitating Michael Corleone.
Sean: (Narrating) Michael is troubled by his nephew's fiery temper but he's impressed by his loyalty to the family and his pimpdom, so he brings him into the family picture. Hmm, where have I seen this before?
(A clip from The Godfather is shown, showing Michael bringing Kay into family picture)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. From the first film. Also, while Michael is dancing with his daughter, they're playing The Godfather theme by the late Nino Rota. Back at Vincent's apartment, Vincent is in bed with that reporter from the party. Well, at least it's not his cousin. And…. (Sees Vincent's hairy chest) Oh, good lord!
"His chest is hairy! What did they do skin a cat and glued it's fur onto Andy Garcia's chest? His chest is hairier than Austin Powers'." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, they hear a noise and Grace asks him if he has a cat. Vincent doesn't say anything and he tells her go get him a glass of water. What Grace doesn't realize is that Vincent sent her out as bait to draw out whoever it was that was making noise in the apartment. And lo and behold, two home invaders wearing pantyhose on their heads.
(A clip from Raising Arizona is shown)
Hayseed in the Pickup (Played by John O'Donnal): Son, you got a panty on your head.
Sean: (Narrating) One of the home invaders, enter the bedroom to kill Vincent, but Vincent jumps him and holds him at gunpoint while the other guy holds Grace at knifepoint.
"Dude, haven't you learn from The Untouchables? You pull a knife, he pulls a gun. You send her to the hospital, he sends you and your partner to the morgue." Sean said.
(A clip from The Untouchables is shown)
Jimmy Malone (Played by Sean Connery): That's the Chicago way.
Sean: (Narrating) And we get more of Vincent's craziness.
Vincent Mancini: What are you fucking crazy? I hardly even know this broad, so cut her. What the fuck do I care?/(After the knife-wielding man cuts Grace) Hey! I wanna do something to convince you. Don't get frightened. Don't do any sudden movements. Just watch me, alright? You hear what I say? Okay.
(Vincent unloads a round in the first burglar's jaw in front of his partner)
Mask #1 (Played by the late Rick Aviles): Oh, shit!
"Like father, like son. Am I right?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) So the guy drops the knife and let's Grace go and Vincent tells him to sit down and have a smoke and he que… (Sees the guy playing the man with the knife and recognizes him) Oh, my God! That's Willie! That's Prospect Place Willie Lopez from Ghost! But that's for another future review for The Mayhem Critic. So anyway, Vincent interrogates the late Rick Aviles and forces him to tell him who sent him and his partner to kill him and the guy tells him who sent him.
Mask #1: It was Joey… Joey Zasa.
(Vincent raises his gun and points it at the man)
Mask #1: No!
(Vincent shoots and kills the man)
Sean: (Narrating) Pure pimpdom! Vincent tells Michael that Joey Zasa sent his men to kill him and that he sent him a message. So, Michael finally hires his nephew to work for him, and Connie says this line.
Connie Corleone (Played by Talia Shire): Michael.
Michael Corleone: Yes?
Connie Corleone: Now they'll fear you.
"Can we play that line back one more time?" Sean asked.
Connie Corleone: Now they'll fear you.
Sean: (V/O) And the footage from the first film, please.
(A clip from The Godfather is shown)
Vito Corleone (Played by the late Marlon Brando): And then they will fear you.
"Uh, why? Why will they fear him now that he's hired Vincent? What? They didn't fear him before when he whacked Sollozzo and Capt. McCluskey? They didn't fear him when he whacked The Five Familes? Or how about when he whacked Johnny Ola and Hyman Roth? Did they fear him when he blackmailed Senator Pat Geary? Did they fear him when he killed his own brother? No! But now that they'll fear him now that he's hired Vincent. Really?
(Footage from The Godfather is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) And how the hell does Connie know about that line? She wasn't there when it was said. She was busy getting married to her abusive husband Carlo. Michael wasn't even there when his daddy said that line. Hell, the everybody who was there to hear that line are now dead. Dead!
"Ladies and gentlemen, a perfect example of Francis Ford Coppola giving the audience what they want and you know what it's just fucking stupid." Sean said.
Connie Corleone: Now they'll fear you.
Michael Corleone: Maybe they should fear you.
"What the? Is Michael trying to be funny? "Maybe they should fear you."? You're telling jokes? What are you a clown?" Sean asked.
(A clip from Goodfellas is shown)
Tommy DeVito (Played by Joe Pesci): I'm funny, how? I mean, funny like I'm a clown? Do I amuse you? I make you laugh? I'm here to fucking amuse you?
"What the hell is going on with this movie?" Sean asked before sipping his bottle of beer.
"Who wrote this movie?" Brian asked.
"Puzo and Coppola wrote this movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Alright, let's get through this confusing, boring and complicated plot that I'm trying to figure out. This movie is about Michael, who still wants go legit, even though it sounds like he has. He wants to go legit and he goes to see Archbishop Gilday, who's the head of the Vatican Bank. Unfortunately, he can't handle money because he's gotten the Church into $769 million dollars in debt.
Michael Corleone: 769 million. The Church owns 25 percent of a large corporation. Immobiliare. You know the one I mean?
Sean: (Narrating) So, Michael offers the Bank $600 million dollars for controlling interests in Immobiliare. The biggest international real estate company in Europe. (Snores) And because Michael wants to be clean, purified and legitimate and redeemed, he excludes the other Mafia families from the deal. But guess who's not happy? The other Mafia families and even Don Altobello, who tells him that his partners on the Commission wants in on the Immobiliare deal.
Michael Corleone: Immobiliare must be legitimate.
Don Altobello: I know. But they're unhappy.
Michael Corleone: And you?
"What I'm trying to tell you is that I want a piece of the money, or expect a horse's head in your bed the next morning." Sean said, impersonating Don Altobello.
"The Vatican Bank was in big trouble in the 80s, this explains where this subplot came from." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Michael asks Don Altobello to set up a meeting with the other Mafia dons to make peace. Because that always works. Right? We then cut to Vatican City, Rome. And for all you heathen children out there, that's in Italy. It's the location of the head of the Church and the home of the Pope. Michael travels to the Vatican and he learns that the Pope is dying, which is bad for Michael because he needs the Pope to finalize the corporate deal. Michael meets with all of the important members of Immobiliare and the Church.
Archbishop Gilday: The Pope is gravely ill. Until he recovers, I am powerless.
BJ Harrison (Played by George Hamilton): What if he dies?
Frederick Keinszig (Played by Helmut Berger): Then as you Americans say, all bets are off.
"So, you're gambling on the Pope's life to see if he dies or not. You guys are sick, you know that? Sick." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The members of Immobiliare have no love for Michael, especially this asshole named Don Licio Lucchesi, played by Enzo Robutti, and he threatens Michael.
Don Licio Lucchesi (Played by Enzo Robutti): Yes, you will take control. We'll gladly put you at the helm of our little fleet, but our ships must sail in the same direction. Otherwise, who can say how long your stay with us will last? It's not personal. It's only business. You should know, Godfather.
"What the hell does that mean? What does he mean by that? Is that a threat? I'm not sure but it doesn't sound good." Sean said.
Michael Corleone: We're back with the Borgias!
Sean: (Narrating) Back in New York, Vincent and Mary get together for cappuccino and we get more of Sofia Coppola's bad acting to keep me from pulling a 13 Reasons Why on myself.
Mary Corleone: Do you remember stories about our fathers? The old days?
Vincent Mancini: Yeah, what do you want to know?
Mary Corleone: What's Sonny like?
Vincent Mancini: Well, he was the Prince of the City.
"Uh, Sidney Lumet's Prince of the City was released in 1981. And Sonny was not the Prince of the City, Treat Williams was the Prince of the City and so was Prince. God, this movie is boring and this scene is entirely pointless. Coppola, I have three words for you." Sean said.
(A clip from Planes, Trains and Automobiles is shown)
Neal Page (Played by Steve Martin): Have a point!
Sean: (Narrating) So the two start talking about their fathers as brothers and to tell you the truth, this is a pointless scene and I need another beer to sit through Sofia Coppola's acting. Later, Michael and Vincent fly to Atlantic City, New Jersey to meet with the other Mafia dons and he gives everyone a big fat check from the sale of his Las Vegas holdings.
Leo Cuneo (Played by the late Al Ruscio): 50 million dollars!
Sean: (Narrating) This pleases the other Mafia dons, except for Zasa who gets pissed off at Michael for snubbing him.
Joey Zasa (Played by Joe Mantegna): I say to all of you, I have been treated this day with no respect. I've earned you all money. I've made you rich and I asked for little. Good. You will not give, I'll take! As for Don Corleone, he makes it very clear to me today that he is my enemy. You must choose between us.
(A clip from The Simpsons season 11 episode Grift of the Magi is shown)
Fat Tony (Voiced by Joe Mantegna) I don't get mad. I get stabby.
Sean: (Narrating) Zasa storms out of the room and sweet old Don Altobello follows him to reason with him.
"Don't trust him. He's the Ugly." A mysterious voice said as Sean starts looking around the room again.
"Did anybody else hear that? I must be going crazy." Sean said.
Sean: Right after Altobello leaves the room, the meeting continues and then we get…
(A helicopter hovers outside the conference room)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, no.
Vincent Mancini: It's a hit! Let's go!
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, no.
(Zasa locks them all in the conference room as the hit men in the helicopter start shooting at the Mafia dons)
"Oh, God." Sean said, rubbing his temples after removing his glasses. "What is this? What am I watching? Am I watching a Godfather movie or am I watching a John Woo movie? What is this?!"
Sean: (Narrating) Zasa calls in a helicopter strike and kills everybody with uzis, that is not Godfather material. It would work for an action movie, but not this. Coppola, what are you thinking?! And check out this asshole whining about his lucky coat.
Albert Volpe (Played by Carmine Caridi): My coat!
Vincent Mancini: Forget your coat!
Albert Volpe: It's my lucky coat! It's my lucky coat!
(Volpe gets riddled with bullets and dies)
"Dude, fuck the coat! Get your ass out of here or get behind cover. Just leave the coat. Yeah, you'd last long in the Mafia. Can you imagine if something like that happen to me?" Sean asked before cutting to the cutaway gag.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(Sean's house is getting shot up and we see Sean trying to get his Xbox One X)
Sean: My Xbox!
Brian: Dude, forget your Xbox!
Sean: It's my Xbox One X!
Dave: Sean, leave it! Just get out of here!
Sean: I'm not leaving without my Xbox One X!
(A bullet almost hits Sean but hits his Xbox One X)
Sean: Fuck this, I'll buy a new one!
(Sean runs out of the house)
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
(Footage from The Godfather and The Godfather Part II is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) In the first two films, the deaths were all creative and they felt realistic. I mean come on, why is Zasa killing everybody? They didn't snub him, Michael did. Couldn't he just shoot him with a.38 or kill him with a car bomb or just rig the room to explode? Hell, John Gotti was better at whacking Paul Castellano than Joey Zasa. Plus, Michael is the only one in the films that knows how to kill people efficiently, the dude is a genius. Anyway, Michael, Vincent and Al survive the massacre and they escape to Michael's apartment to have a nice helping of spaghetti.
Al Neri: The old Dons were pretty much wiped out. The ones that survived made deals with Joey Zasa.
Michael Corleone: Altobello?
Al Neri: He survived. He's with his daughters in Staten Island. He says he's going to retire in Sicily.
"Why do I get the feeling that I shouldn't trust the sweet old Don Altobello?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Vincent wants to whack Zasa but Michael tells him to shut up and then we get classic line referenced in every TV show that I could name.
(A clip from Good Luck Charlie is shown)
Gabe Duncan (Played by Bradley Steven Perry): Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.
(A clip from Cheers is shown)
Sam Malone (Played by Ted Danson): Every time I think I'm out, they pull me back in.
(A clip from Seinfeld is shown)
George Costanza (Played by Jason Alexander): Every time I think I'm out, they pull me back in.
(A clip from The Sopranos is on)
Silvio Dante (Played by Steve Van Zandt): Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.
Michael Corleone: Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.
Sean: (Narrating) Then Michael has a diabetic stroke and we get Al Pacino giving his over-the-top performance.
Michael Corleone: Run at thunder, girl! Thunder can't hurt!/You deceitful old fuck! Altobello, you fuck!/Fredo! Fredo!
Sean scoffs. "A stroke of bad acting."
Sean: (Narrating) BJ informs Archbishop Gilday that Michael has suffered a diabetic stroke and that he's in a coma. Then Gilday tells Harrison that the Pope has not much time left and he's in a difficult position and that the deal must go through as soon as possible. And then we get this shocker after Harrison leaves when Keinszig, played by Helmut Berger appears.
Frederick Keinszig: Everything will be out in the open if Corleone dies.
Archbishop Gilday: Play for time, Keinszig. A habit born of a long contemplation of eternity.
"Okay, let me spare you guys some confusion." Sean said.
(Pictures of Lucchesi, Don Altobello and Archbishop Gilday are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Remember that asshole from the Vatican Lucchesi, that sweet old Don Altobello who left the room to miss the massacre? Altobello is working with Lucchesi and Archbishop Gilday. They never intended to let Michael buy the corporation, they wanted Michael to pay off the debt in exchange for nothing. Meanwhile, Vincent, Connie and Al pray for Michael's recovery while they discuss their plan to whack Zasa.
"Wait a minute, this is all too familiar. Hmm, Vito recovering in the hospital. Michael recovering in the hospital. Vito has a lawyer. Michael has a lawyer. You have The Turk and you have Joey Zasa. It's the exact same plot as The Godfather! Damn it, Coppola!" Sean yelled.
Sean: (Narrating) Later, Kay visits Michael at the hospital to see how he's doing.
Kay Adams Michaelson: You know, it's the first time I've never seen you looking so helpless.
"At least ask me how I'm doing, not call me helpless you daft bitch." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Kay thanks Michael for Tony and tells him that he will be making his operatic debut in Palermo, Sicily this Easter.
Michael Corleone: I will be there, I won't miss that. I won't miss that.
"Yeah, if you live to see that day." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) While Michael is recovering, Mary goes to visit her cousin Vincent and they start to have a boring ass conversation. So, the two start rolling doughballs and hold hands and this happens.
Mary Corleone: I love you, cous.
Vincent Mancini: I love you too, cous. Let us cook.
(Vincent wraps his arms around Mary and kisses her neck and her cheek. Then, him and Mary kiss each other)
Vincent Mancini: Hold me.
(Vincent and Mary continue to kiss passionately)
"Okay, play it." Sean said.
Singers: Incest in the morning.
Announcer: Suppressed memories.
Singers: 97.1.
"What the hell is that reference from?" Brian asked.
"Family Guy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, yeah. We get a dull, useless romantic subplot between Mary and her cousin Vincent and they're committing incest. Hell, Jaime and his sister Cersei from Game of Thrones were better at it. And I should be binging on all seven seasons on DVD right now than watch this confusing as hell movie. Plus, I don't think that your grandpa Vito would approve of this and I'm just glad that he wasn't there to see this. We cut to an Italian street festival that's hosted by Joey Zasa's Italian American civil rights group and Zasa gets taunted by this guy, Lou Pennino played by Robert Cicchini.
Lou Pennino (Played by Robert Cicchini): Hey, Joey Zasa! Joey, up your ass!
Anthony "The Ant" Squigliaro (Played by Vito Antuofermo): Hey!
Joey Zasa: Who is this? Do you know him?
Lou Pennino: (Sits on the hood of the car) Who's going to win the car, huh? The Ant?
Joey Zasa: Hey! Would you get off of the fucking car? Do you have a raffle ticket.
Lou Pennino: Joey, take a look at my raffle ticket!
(Lou starts keying the car)
Lou Pennino: Here's what I think of you… and your raffle ticket.
"Okay, when you start keying a 1979 Cadillac, you deserve to get whacked." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But hey, there's no way Vincent is going to whack somebody in public…
(One of the men shoot and kill The Ant with a double-barreled shotgun. Then two more of Zasa's men get gunned down as well while Zasa makes a run for it.)
Lou Pennino: (While chasing Zasa) Run, Joey! You piece of shit!
"Wow, that escalated quickly. But hey, Vito would be proud of Vincent for what he's going to do next. But didn't Michael specifically say not to touch Joey Zasa?" Sean asked.
(Vincent appears on a horse while wearing a patrolman outfit)
Vincent Mancini: How are you, Joe?
"I repeat, he specifically said not to…" Sean said.
(Vincent shoots Zasa in the back twice, then shoots him one more time)
Vincent Mancin: Zasa!
"Well, shit. That's one pointless villain out of the picture. He was just taking a lot of subplot, which has nothing to do with the movie. It deals with the Vatican and Immobiliare and Michael going legit and incest. Well, at least Michael won't find out about it." Sean said.
Michael Corleone: Don't ever again give that kind of order. Not while I'm alive.
"To be fair, he was in the hospital. He had to get the orders from someone." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Michael finds out about the assassination of Joey Zasa and he not to thrilled about it.
Michael Corleone: It was the wrong decision. I command this family! Right or wrong it was not what I wanted!
"Stroke of bad acting. I mean come on, you're Al Pacino! How do you go from this?" Sean asked.
(A clip from The Godfather is shown)
Michael Corleone: Don't ask me about my business, Kay.
Kay Adams-Corleone: Is it true?
Michael Corleone: Don't ask me about my business.
Kay Adams-Corleone: No…
Michael Corleone: Enough!
"And this." Sean said.
(Another clip from The Godfather is shown)
Michael Corleone: Don't ever take sides with anyone against the family again.
"To this." Sean said.
Michael Corleone: I spent my life protecting my family!/Altobello, you fuck!/It was not what I wanted!
"Oh, how the mighty have fallen." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) In fact, it should've gone like this.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
Brian (as Vincent): He saw you as a threat. I felt a threat had to be dealt with.
Sean: (as Michael) Without informing me, you were going to do it. I would've talked you out of it, and you damn well knew it.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) After Vincent, Al and Connie agree to never do anything like that again, Michael and Vincent have a little chat with each other, regarding Vincent's relationship with Mary.
Michael Corleone: Vincent…
Vincent Mancini: So I hear.
Michael Corleone: What are you doing with my daughter? What are you doing with her?
Sean: (V/O as Vincent) I was giving her my Cuban cigar.
Michael Corleone: It's too dangerous.
"Yeah, like that's gonna happen. You know he's gonna keep seeing her behind your back. God, how long is this movie? This review is going to be in two parts. Alright, to spare you the boredom…." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrates) Michael recovers and we cut to Bagheria, Sicily. The almost end! We're at the almost end of this boring movie.
"We're going to have to stop here. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, tune in next time for part two of my review of The Godfather Part III and question Coppola's logic." Sean said.
And that was part one of The Godfather Part III review. Next time, The Godfather Part III review continues. Also after I finish with part two of the review, I'm thinking of reviewing either Ghostbusters II, do another Top 11 Countdown, this time with Batman: The Animated Series or a review of the Batman: The Animated Series episode from season four called Cold Comfort. Which one should I do after the review of The Godfather Part III?
Ghostbusters II
Top 11 Batman: TAS Episodes
A review of the Batman: TAS episode Cold Comfort
I'll see you guys next time for the continuation of The Godfather Part III review. Till next time, my fellow readers.