The Mayhem Critic
Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Today, Halloween Havoc concludes when Sean takes a look at the third film in the Halloween film series. The only movie in the series not to feature Michael Myers. This is gonna suck…big time. Or does it? Let's hope that Sean doesn't loses his mind while reviewing it. So sit back, relax and grab yourself a cold one, here's the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: As I mentioned before, I do not own anything involved in this story. All material belong to their respective sources. Halloween III: Season of the Witch is owned by Universal Pictures, Moustapha Akkad and Dino Di Laurentiis Corporation.
Episode Thirty-Seven
Halloween III: Season of the Witch
(The Halloween Havoc title sequence is shown)
We open on Sean aka the Mayhem Critic in his blue shirt and Old Navy varsity jacket and his Jack Skellington hat, but looking frustrated as his hand rests on his cheek before taking a sip of his hot apple cider.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic. The critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said and sighs a bit. "And seeing though Halloween Havoc is coming to an end. And I'm not looking forward to this. I want to ask you, do I have to? I-I mean, think about it. Do I have to do this? Do I even have to review this? Is there anything that I could say about this god-awful piece of buffalo crap that no one else had said already? Is there possibly anything that I could bring to the table? Just think about it. Well, screw it. This is the gateway to madness. This is the movie that blatantly calls itself Halloween III: Season of the Witch. God help me."
(The title for the movie is shown followed by clips along with clips from Halloween II)
Sean: (Narrating) After the release of Halloween II, the studio wanted to stray away from bringing Michael Myers back, so after they killed him off in the second film, Halloween director John Carpenter and producer Debra Hill wanted to make the Halloween series an anthology series that takes place on Halloween.
"Which, I have to admit it was pretty awesome." Sean said. "And I mean, a lot of crazy shit could happen on Halloween night."
Sean: (Narrating) The possibilities for scary stories are endless.
(The Halloween III poster is shown, as well as fan-made titles)
Sean: (Narrating) After Halloween III: Season of the Witch, you could've gotten Halloween IV: The Demon Within, Halloween V: The Turning, Halloween VI: The Blood of the Innocent.
"But it went downhill from there." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Instead, we got a plot involving an Irish toy guru delivering masks around the world to children and a certain ad kills them while they're wearing the masks on Halloween night.
"And when I first saw this movie when I was like ten years old and they were showing it on AMC's Fear Fest back in 2002, I was reading the info where the plot involves exploding masks that were created by a madman. I was interested. And after I watched it, I was disappointed and I think I might've lost a couple of brain cells from watching it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And just saying the title of the movie would just piss me off even more. Oh, yeah. That's how much I hate that movie.
"Aside from the fact that it's a Halloween movie without Michael Myers. I mean, you can't have a Halloween movie without Michael Myers." Sean said.
(We see posters for the Nightmare on Elm Street movies and the Friday the 13th movies)
Sean: (Narrating) It's like doing a Nightmare on Elm Street movie without Freddy Kruger. It's like doing a Friday the 13th movie without Jason Voorheeves. Oh, wait. They did do that with Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning…. And it sucked! But it did have a high body count, though.
"But hey, if I'm going to end Halloween Havoc by losing my mind, then I'm taking you with me." Sean said, in a demonic voice. "Well, let's not waste anytime. Let's enter the gateway to madness. This is Halloween III: Season of the Witch."
Sean: (Narrating) The movie opens with….
"Hold on. If I'm going to review a bad Halloween film. Then, I'm gotta have my Jameson." Sean said as he opens up a bottle of Jameson Irish whiskey and pours some in his apple cider, then takes a sip. "Alright, let's continue." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The film opens without the iconic Halloween theme showing what's being made on the television screen and I have to say, the only good thing I like about this movie is the music.
(We listen to the movie's music while the main credits are going)
Sean: (Narrating) We see that this film had a lot of talented people in it. We have Tom Atkins from The Fog, Creepshow and Escape From New York, Stacey Nelkin from The Jerk Too, Yellowbeard, Get Crazy and Up the Academy and Dan O'Herlihy from RoboCop, RoboCop 2 and The Last Starfighter. John Carpenter produced this and Carpenter did the music with Alan Howarth. And the film was written and directed by Tommy Lee Wallace, who was the production designer for The Fog and Halloween. He also wrote the screenplay for Amityville II: The Possession and he's known for directing It the 1990 miniseries.
"So, what went wrong? We've got a lot of talented people who worked on this and come out with such a disaster?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) So after the credits end, we see the television screen zooms out, revealing a pumpkin.
(The pumpkin on the screen starts flashing)
"And a big screw you to all of the epileptics out there." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The film opens in Northern California and the film feels the need to let us know that it's October and it's Saturday the 23rd. Really? Is it that important? You should let us know what year as well, like the other films did. Do I need to know what day of the week this is?
"Why in the hell do you want to give me a lesson on the days of the week? Does it look like I need a fucking lesson on the days of the week?" Sean asked as Rebecca Black's Friday starts playing. "No, God! Turn it off!"
Sean: (Narrating) We see a man named Harry Grimbridge, played by Al Berry, is trying to escape from a car that's following him and hides from them in a parking lot. Now, I like how this scene is shot but I have one major problem. The music score in this scene. I mean seriously, it's just one note. What happened? Did Alan Howarth fall asleep while working on the music score?
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see Sean, who's playing John Carpenter and Brian, who's playing Alan Howarth, composing music for Halloween III. Brian is sitting behind the electric keyboard. We see him trying to stay awake but then he ends up falling asleep while playing one note)
Sean: (as John Carpenter) This is good. I like this. Way to go, Alan. I might need you for Big Trouble in Little China and Prince of Darkness. Yeah. Carpenter, you did it again you magnificent bastard.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) As Harry hides from the car, he ends up getting spotted by…
(A man in a business suit appears and tries to kill Harry)
"Alfalfa from The Little Rascals?" Sean asked, making a face.
Sean: (V/O as man in suit) I'm the barber of Seville, motherfucker.
Sean: (Narrating) As this Agent Smith-looking guy tries to kill him, Harry ends up killing his assailant by pulling a brick from underneath a car and crushing the guy with the car and he makes his escape. Meanwhile, at a gas station, (reads the text that says "ONE HOUR LATER") thank you. Thank you for letting us know. We hear on the news…
Commentator: (On Stonehenge) Leaving British authorities still baffled and without any substantial clues nine months after the theft. The Bluestone was one of 19 believed to represent the 19-year cycle of the moon. It weighs more than five tons, making its disappearance a mystery indeed.
"Someone happens to steal a block of Stonehenge without anyone noticing. Damn you, Carmen Sandiego." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And then we get (in a deep and booming voice) THE MOST ANNOYING SONG IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE.
(The Silver Shamrock commercial plays)
Eight more days to Halloween
Halloween, Halloween
Eight more days to Halloween
Silver Shamrock
"Okay, let me take a shot." Sean said, taking a shot of whiskey. "Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Silver Shamrock song. And get used to this song because you're going to keep hearing it over and over and over again throughout the entire movie!"
"Once, okay. Twice, not bad. Three or more." Brian said as he starts screaming.
Eight more days to Halloween
Halloween, Halloween
Eight more days to Halloween
Silver Shamrock
"One more film till Michael's back. Michael's back, Michael's back. One more film till Michael's back. This film is shit." Sean sang.
Sean: (Narrating) The gas station attendant named Walter Jones, played by Essex Smith is busy watching television and the power goes out until Harry barges in with a not-so-scary jumpscare with a spooky message.
Harry Grimbridge (Played by Al Berry): They're coming. (Pulls out a Silver Shamrock mask) They're coming.
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, I would just like to point out that for some reason Alan Howarth just likes to use the "pew" sound effect because he uses it any time anything happens in the entire movie.
(We get a montage of different scenes using the "pew" sound effect and we cut to Brian, who is playing Howarth, playing the "pew" sound effect on his electronic keyboard)
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(Taylor enters the living room and sits next to Sean on the couch and hands him the mail)
Taylor: Here's your new issue of Entertainment Weekly.
Sean: Oh, wow. Thanks, babe.
(Sean starts reading his new issue of Entertainment Weekly and finds something unsettling. He reads an article, the article reads "Mega Man X film adaptation is a go and Kevin G. Quinn and Peyton Meyer are X and Zero". Music from Halloween III: Season of the Witch and the "pew" sound effect starts playing while Sean makes a horrified look before throwing the magazine across the room and leaving the room)
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) We're introduced to our main character for the movie Dr. Daniel Challis, played by Tom Atkins. We see him visiting his ex-wife Linda, played by Nancy Kyes.
"No, I'm serious. That's Annie from Halloween. Let me take a shot for a cameo from an actor from Halloween." Sean said, taking another shot.
Sean: (Narrating) And a little fun fact, she was married to this film's director Tommy Lee Wallace.
"I guess the two divorced because she realized that he directed a piece of shit and another piece of shit. Fright Night Part 2." Sean coughed out.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, he goes to his ex-wife's house to give his son Willie and his daughter Bella, played by Michelle Walker and Joshua Miller, some Halloween masks that he bought for them for Halloween, but his Linda has already bought them the ever-so-popular Silver Shamrock masks from the commercials that play over and over and over again.
(The Silver Shamrock commercial starts playing)
Eight more days to Halloween
Halloween, Halloween
Linda Challis (Played by Nancy Kyes): Turn that down.
Dr. Daniel Challis (Played by Tom Atkins): Yeah, this is Challis.
"This song will get stuck in your head. In your head, in your head. This song will get stuck in your head. Oh God, kill me." Sean sang. "Also, another shot for hearing that stupid song again."
Sean takes another shot of Jameson Irish whiskey.
Sean: (Narrating) But so much for spending time with his kids, Dan has been called back in to work. Harry is brought in and placed under Dr. Challis' care, until…
(The Silver Shamrock commercial starts playing as Harry comes to)
Eight more days to Halloween
Halloween, Halloween
Eight more days to Halloween
Silver Shamrock
"Well, that didn't last long." Sean said, taking another shot.
Harry Grimbridge: (Gasping) They're going to kill us. All of us. (Panting) All of us.
(Walter, the gas station attendant backs away and leaves)
Sean: (Narrating and laughs) Okay, I just love this dude's reaction after Harry wakes up. It's like he realized that he's in a bad movie and he wanted to get the hell out of there.
Harry Grimbridge: They're going to kill us. All of us. All of us.
Sean: (V/O as Walter) Oh, man. I'm in a bad movie directed by the guy who directed It. Hell, no! I'm getting the fuck up outta here. John Carpenter can kiss my ass.
"What the hell did he get mixed up in?" Brian asked, referring to Harry.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Harry is under the care of Dr. Challis and later that night, a hit man in a suit enters Harry's room and kills him.
(The mysterious man in the suit kills Harry by gouging his eyes out with his thumb and index finger and breaks his nose)
"He kills Harry by making him look like Judd Hirsch." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And he's no Agent 47 when Nurse Agnes, played by the late Maide Norman sees him in Harry's room as he leaves undetected. Dan checks out the commotion and goes after the guy, in a snail's pace, and then we get this cool moment in the film.
(The man in the suit gets in his car and pours gasoline all over himself flicks the lighter, immolating himself as the car explodes)
"Best bit from the movie." Brian said.
"That's how I feel every time I watch a bad movie." Sean pointed out.
Sean: (Narrating) So anyway a man is murdered, a man literally blew himself and I don't mean that in a sexual way, the police show up and Dan has to call his ex-wife that he won't be able pick up his kids, so he has to reschedule for when he can see them, but she won't let him off that easily. The mystery deepens when Dr. Challis realizes that Harry was clutching a mask, a Silver Shamrock mask. We skip to the morning…
(The text reads "Sunday the 24th")
Sean: (Narrating) Thank you for letting us know, movie. We see that Grimbridge's daughter Ellie, played by Stacey Nelkin, has arrived to identify the body of her dead father.
Ellie Grimbridge (Played by Stacey Nelkin): What happened?
Sheriff (Played by John MacBride): Oh, some crazy man. Killed himself in the parking lot right after. Drugs probably.
Ellie Grimbridge: Is that it? My father's dead because of some crazy…
"Is that it? My acting is dead because of some dumb writing?" Sean asked, imitating Ellie.
(Right before Daniel leaves, he sees Ellie)
Sean: (V/O as Daniel) Hmm, I wonder if she's old enough for me?
(Ellie looks back and sees Daniel)
Sean: (V/O as Daniel) Maybe she's like the same age as Scarlett Sage. Oh, yeah. I'm gonna tap that ass.
Sean: (Narrating) We're also introduced to another character named Teddy, played by Wendy Wessberg. Dr. Challis doesn't like the situation involving a man in a suit murdering some guy and then sets himself on fire. So, he asks Teddy's help and she agrees. We then jump to….
(Sees the text reads "Friday the 29th" in Helvetica font)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, no shit movie! We see that Dr. Challis is drinking in a bar…
"That's how I felt after watching this movie." Sean said.
Dr. Daniel Challis: Hey, Charlie, can we have another station?
Charlie (Played by Lloyd Catlett): You got it.
(Charlie switches it to another channel, the Halloween theme plays showing a commercial for the movie Halloween)
Announcer: The immortal classic, followed by the big giveaway at 9:00, brought to you by…
"Why am I not watching this movie instead of this one? In fact, why am I not watching Halloween 2018 instead of Halloween III? This one's way, way better than Halloween III." Sean said.
(The Silver Shamrock commercial starts playing)
Two more days to Halloween
Halloween, Halloween…
Dr. Daniel Challis: Come on, come on, come on.
(Charlie changes the channel)
Charlie: What's the matter? Don't you have any Halloween spirit?
"Hey, my Halloween spirit died after hearing that damn song playing throughout the movie." Sean said, before taking another shot.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Ellie shows up to speak to Dan. She wants to know what happened on the night he died and he lies to her by telling her that her father said that he loved her. But when Ellie leave, he tells her the truth.
Dr. Daniel Challis: I saw something that night. I don't know. Your father came into the hospital. He… I thought he was crazy, out of his mind. He's hangin' on to a Halloween mask. He wouldn't let it go. And what he said was… "They're gonna kill us all.". And in a little while, he was dead. And I don't know what the hell is goin' on.
"Bad screenwriting." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Ellie takes Daniel to her father's toy store. The mask is the big clue as Harry's been selling the Silver Shamrock masks. Dan agrees to help Ellie find out who killed her father. Maybe it's a case of love at first… no, she just wants to sleep with him. So, Dan calls his ex-wife to tell her that he'll be out of town and she's not too happy about him ditching his kids. Father of the Year, ladies and gentlemen.
(Right when Daniel and Ellie drive to Santa Mira, the camera pans over to an electronics store. We see the Silver Shamrock commercial playing on the television)
Two more days to Halloween
Halloween, Halloween
Two more days to Halloween
Silver Shamrock
Sean takes another shot of Irish whiskey, then feels the effects of the alcohol kicking in before getting his head straight. "My biggest regret, I didn't do Resurrection or Halloween 5 first."
Sean: (Narrating) So, Dr. Challis and Ellie arrive in the little town of Santa Mira. And I have to admit, I love that little nod to Invasion of the Body Snatchers. It's very clever. They're then stared down through the windows by some of the townsfolk. What is up with the townsfolk? This isn't frickin' Deliverance. One of the townsfolk named Rafferty, played by the late Michael Currie, greets them and I have to say that he has the silliest Irish accent I've ever heard.
Dr. Daniel Challis: Say, partner, is there a vacancy in this motel? My wife and I need a place to stay.
Raffety (Played by the late Michael Currie): You've come to the right place. It's cozy, it's quiet, and the price is right.
Sean: (V/O as Rafferty) You'll never catch me Lucky Charms. They're magically delicious.
Sean: (Narrating) We're then introduced to the most annoying as hell family in this movie, the Kupfers. Buddy is played by the late Ralph Strait, his wife Betty played by Jadeen Barbor and their bratty son Little Buddy played by Brad Schacter.
Buddy Kupfer (Played by the late Ralph Strait): Hey, Buddy Kupfer, San Diego. This is my wife Betty.
Betty Kupfer (Played by Jadeen Barbor): Pleased to meet you.
Buddy Kupfer: And this is Little Buddy.
Little Buddy Kupfer (Played by Brad Schacter): Is it busted?
Buddy Kupfer: No.
(Little Buddy gets on his bike and rides off)
Betty Kupfer: Don't you dare go in the street. Do you hear me?
(Little Buddy flips off his mother)
"I want them to die." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) One more character to introduce who also almost runs Dr. Challis over. Marge Guttman played by Tom Atkins' first wife Garn Stephens.
Marge Guttman (Played by Garn Stephens): Damn factory. Got their orders all screwed up. Now I have to stay in this dump again.
"Hmm, well she's old enough for me to have sex with her. But there's the younger chick who's staying in the same motel room with me. This does complicate things." Sean said, imitating Dan Challis.
Sean: (Narrating) Well anyway, Dan got some information that Ellie's dad have been staying at the hotel and Ellie has seen Cochran's car driving by. And then we get this scene.
Dr. Daniel Challis: I could sleep in the car. Be better than this floor.
Ellie Grimbridge: Where do you wanna sleep, Dr. Challis?
Dr. Daniel Challis: That's a dumb question, Miss Grimbridge.
(Dan kisses Ellie while Carly Rae Jepson's Call Me Maybe starts playing)
"Hey! Hey! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Stop it! We are not resorting to this." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But hey, we got an important message from a special guest cameo. Can you guess who it is?
Announcer (Voiced by Jamie Lee Curtis): It's 6:00. It's 6:00. Curfew. Curfew. All residents of Santa Mira please clear the streets. Curfew is now in effect. Please confine your activities to your own homes. Thank you. Have a pleasant evening.
"That's right, folks. That's Jamie Lee Curtis delivering that message. And a 6:00 curfew? That's a bit odd, don't you think?" Sean asked before taking another shot.
Sean: (Narrating) But hey, that doesn't stop Dr. Pornstache for getting a drink at a liquor store that's open, even though there's a curfew here, he heads back to the motel through a dark alleyway and bumps into a homeless man named Starker, played by Jonathan Terry. And Dr. Challis asks him some information on Cochran but only for a price, some liquor.
Starker (Played by Jonathan Terry): Let me tell you something, mister. He brought in every damn one of them factory people from the outside. You think he'd hire me? A local boy? No way.
"Maybe because he thinks you're Chester A. Bum's cousin." Sean said.
Sean: And we see that Starker has some choice words for Cochran.
Starker: Hey, Cochran, fuck you.
Sean: (Narrating) Uh, dude. I don't think you should do that.
Starker: I'm gonna get me about a case and a half of Molotov cocktails. Burn that son of a bitch right down. Be the last Halloween for them.
"Dude, do you have a death wish? He's go surveillance cameras throughout the whole town. He knows that you've been bad mouthing him, so you better watch what you say…" Sean said.
(Two men in suits deal with Starker)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, too late.
Starker: Fellas, I was just kidding. You… you know that. Just kidding.
(One of the assassins gets Starker down on his knees while the other assassin, played by Dick Warlock, grabs him by the head)
"Whoa, hold on now! At least buy the guy dinner first. Take him to a movie, make him feel special." Sean said.
(The assassin rips off Starker's head)
"Hmm, I've seen better gore effects from the Red Wedding massacre in the third season of Game of Thrones." Sean said. "And by the way, that's Michael Myers' portrayer from Halloween II, Dick Warlock. So, take another shot."
Sean takes another shot of whiskey and sets the bottle and glass aside.
"To be fair, gore effects weren't as advanced back then." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, we see that Ellie is busy talking to Marge, who's complains about the Silver Shamrock masks.
Marge Guttman: The merchandise is slipping. I mean, my four-year-old was throwing the thing against the wall. Granted, the trademark shouldn't just come right off.
Ellie Grimbridge: Yeah, I see what you mean.
"Damn masks. They should be recalled!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, back to Dan and Ellie. Dan returns to the motel, only to find Ellie wearing some sexy lingerie. And it's time for Dr. Dan to get freaky with her, Brazzers style.
(Ellie lies down on the bed while Dan gets on top of her)
Sean: (V/O as Dan) Let me show you how we do it in the Korean War.
"And a little fun fact, Tom Atkins and Stacey Nelkin confirmed that the bedroom scene was one of the very first things they shot together. And I have to honestly say that this love scene felt so awkward. They have no chemistry. Hell, Taylor and I have better sex than them."
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(Sean and Taylor enter Sean's house, kissing each other very passionately as Sean closes the door behind them and locks it while Taylor drops her purse on the floor, then wraps her leg around Sean's waist)
Taylor: God, I so totally want to ride you so hard right now.
Sean: Yeah, babe. I like the sound of that. Let's make it like a Brazzers movie. You're so frickin' hot, babe.
(Sean picks up Taylor and starts knocking everything down while they make their way upstairs to Sean's bedroom)
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
(The radio starts playing the Silver Shamrock commercial)
Two more days to Halloween
Halloween, Halloween
Dr. Daniel Challis: I don't believe this commercial. It never stops.
"Don't worry, you'll hear this song about 14 times." Sean said, taking another shot of whiskey. "Why is the room spinning?"
Dr. Daniel Challis: Whoa. Wait. Aren't you just the least bit tired?
Ellie Grimbridge: No.
(Ellie kisses Dan)
Dr. Daniel Challis: Wait. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. How old are you?
Ellie Grimbridge: (Chuckles) Relax. I'm older than I look.
"Well, that's a fine time to ask her how old she is." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back in the other room, Marge begins to examine the back of the Silver Shamrock tag after noticing a suspicious looking microchip. Well, there's only a handy dandy bobbing pin can do the trick.
(After fidgeting with the microchip, a laser beam hits Marge in the face)
Ellie Grimbridge: What's that?
Dr. Daniel Challis: Who cares?
"Can we finish up before this Viagra wears off?" Sean asked, imitating Dan.
Sean: (Narrating) Marge gets zapped in the face by some cheesy 80's laser effects and I have to tell you the make-up effects looked pretty good but what unsettled me was the bug coming out of Marge's mouth. Anyway, after making sweet, sweet love to a woman who's younger than him, Dan wakes up to a commotion going on. So, he gets out of bed and… (sees Dr. Challis' bare ass but it's covered by the Silver Shamrock logo) Oh, God! Please put some pants on. I do not want to see you naked, I would rather see Ellie naked. Anyway, a mysterious group of men in lab coats arrive to take Marge away. Where to? To Silver Shamrock headquarters, of course. And then, we're introduced to the famous Conal Cochran, played by Dan O'Herlihy. Cochran is the man who created the Silver Shamrock masks.
Conal Cochran (Played by the late Dan O'Herlihy): It's all over, my friends. It's just a small accident. The lady's going to get the very best possible treatment. I promise you that.
"Uh, shouldn't you let Dr. Challis examine her before you give her the very best possible treatment? He's a doctor and you're just a glorified Irish toymaker." Sean said.
Conal Cochran: What happened?
Technician (Played by Patrick Pankhurst): Misfire.
"You call this a misfire?!" Sean asked, imitating The Old Man from RoboCop.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day….
(The text reads "Saturday the 30th" on the screen)
Sean: (Narrating) Oy. Dr. Challis calls Teddy back at the hospital on an update on the autopsy, and she finds something strange.
Teddy (Played by Wendy Wessberg): Well, that was a hot fire but there would have to be some bone fragments or teeth or something. I've got nothing here to indicate there was ever a body at all. Just ashes and car parts. How about you?
"Well, I got drunk and I had sex with a woman who's younger than me." Sean said, imitating Dan.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Dan and Ellie make it to the Silver Shamrock factory and it turns out that Ellie's father in fact already came up to pick up the order. And before they could leave with no leads, they happen to run into…
(As Dan and Ellie are about to leave, they bump into Buddy Kupfer and his family)
Buddy Kupfer: Well, hey. How ya doin'? Buddy Kupfer and family, here to see Mr. Cochran.
"Oh, Christ! Not this family again." Sean groaned.
Sean: (Narrating) The annoying Kupfer family are here to meet Cochran because Buddy happen to sell the most Silver Shamrock masks and he gives them a guided tour with Dan and Ellie tagging along and we get more exposition on the backstory of the Silver Shamrock company. Seems that Cochran was the all-time genius of the practical joke.
Buddy Kupfer: Conal Cochran, the all-time genius of the practical joke. He invented sticky toilet paper.
Dr. Daniel Challis: Oh.
Buddy Kupfer: Oh, you must know. The dead dwarf gag, the soft chainsaw. All his.
"He also invented the bomb in the suitcase prank, the water-filled condom prank, super gluing the phone to your face, the Publisher's Clearing House prank. The list goes on. And there's also a prank that my girlfriend Taylor pulled on me when she deleted my save file for my Madden '19 Longshot career mode. And then she saw a prank from Maddie and Elijah that she pulled on me. Well, two of them. One was the I Want a Baby Now prank and the other was the I'm Pregnant prank on her parents and they both tried to kill me! Damn you, Conal Cochran." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But hey, he does this to please the children and he gives this snot-nosed little shit a Silver Shamrock mask. Anyway, Buddy is curious to know what final processing is. But, we'll get to that later. As Cochran finishes the tour, Dan and Ellie notice that something shady is going on as she recognizes her father's car. She runs to it but the Men in Black is ready to stop her.
Conal Cochran: (To Buddy Kupfer) Trade secrets.
Sean: (V/O as Cochran) By the way, have you guessed that I'm the bad guy yet?
Ellie Grimbridge: I'm scared. I think we should leave.
"Well, you two better do it quick before the damn Silver Shamrock song starts playing again." Sean said.
(The Silver Shamrock commercial starts playing again)
One more day to Halloween
Halloween, Halloween
One more day to Halloween
Silver Shamrock
"Goddamn it!" Sean yelled out before taking another shot, then slams his head against the coffee table. From this point on, Sean starts to sound like he's slurring his speech.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Dan gets cornered by the Agent Smith rejects and starts running from them. And you can see how dumb these guys are when Dan ducks down in the phone booth while they're looking for him. You idiots have (hiccups) cameras. Dan sneaks into the Silver Shamrock factory. And I would like to ask, what the hell is going on here?
(Dan sees an old lady knitting)
Dr. Daniel Challis: Where's the girl?
(The old lady doesn't say anything)
Dr. Daniel Challis: Where is she? Where is she? Where is she?
(Dan gasps as the old lady's head falls off, revealing that it was a robot)
"She lost her head." Sean chuckled and points to the camera. "I'm sorry, guys. I think the alcohol is affecting my…
Sean then picks up a photo of Taylor then laughs. "She's got a big nose."
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Dan gets spotted by the man in the suit and he ends up fighting the guy. And it gets pretty, pretty lame.
(The assassin grabs Dr. Challis by his head)
"Couldn't you just rip his head off?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) But hey, the only way Dan knows how to stop them is by punching the guy right in his gut, Mortal Kombat style. And getting slimy orange juice all over his hand. Turns out that the men in suits are androids. So, Dan gets captured by Cochran and his henchmen and we now jump to Sunday the 31st, which is Halloween. Finally. Cochran reveals his plan to Challis like a classic Bond villain. You know, I've been wondering what the hell is going on in that movie.
Conal Cochran: Stonehenge. (Chuckling) We had a time getting it here.
"Yeah, I want to know. How the hell did you get it in your factory? Could you please explain, movie. The world wants to know." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Turns out that the rock from Stonehenge has ancient mystical properties, Cochran is using pieces of it to power the microchips in the Silver Shamrock masks and those microchips will be activated by a flashing signal of the commercial's on-screen "magic pumpkin" and it'll kill the person who's wearing the mask.
"I know that I'm gonna sound crazy, but I think that it is a pretty clever plot line. Cochran's plan being based on ancient Celtic pagan rituals ties in nicely with the holiday. But again, Michael Myers isn't in this movie. So…" Sean tries to blow a raspberry but instead feels the effects from the alcohol hitting him. "Why is the room spinning?"
Sean: (Narrating) So, you remember when I mentioned "Final Processing"? Well, it is a demonstration, so who's our victims, I mean volunteers? Well, it's that annoying family, the Kupfers.
Buddy Kupfer: You know, I still can't figure out why they won't take my orders for next year. You know how I like to work ahead, and, well, they're just not interested at all.
Betty Kupfer: Maybe they're not going to have Halloween next year.
"Yeah, we're gonna have to wait six years for Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers." Sean pointed out.
Sean: (Narrating) And then we get the most satisfying part of the movie. No, it's not the song. I'm getting drunk as it is when they keep playing it.
(They play the Silver Shamrock commercial as Little Buddy puts on the mask and watches the "magic pumpkin" flashing on the screen. The microchip causes Little Buddy to succumb to brain damage from absorbing the energy of Stonehenge. Little Buddy collapses to the floor and dies)
Betty Kupfer: Honey?
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, take that you little bastard! Man, horror movies in the 80's had the balls to kill children. So after Little Buddy dies, his mother just faints to her death from seeing insects coming out of his head and here's how his father reacts from seeing a snake coming out of his mouth.
(Buddy screams)
"I'm acting!" Sean yelled, imitating Buddy Kupfer.
Sean: (Narrating) Man, when I watched that scene when I was a kid, it freaked me out and it still does. And then we get a montage of two straight minutes of the Silver Shamrock song playing while children are waiting for their impending doom. And unless you're a sane person, I suggest that you press the mute button on the remote control to your television. We cut back to Teddy as she tries to contact Dan until one of the androids comes in to kill her after she figures out that the man who killed himself is a robot.
(We see the android about to kill Teddy with a drill)
(A sound clip from Home Improvement plays)
Heidi (Played by Debbe Dunning): Does anyone know what time it is?
Audience: Tool Time!
(The android assassin kills Teddy with the drill by plunging it into her head)
"Ladies and gentlemen, another deadly creation from Binford Tools." Sean said as the Tool Time theme plays in the background.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, back at the Silver Shamrock factory, Dr. Dan tries to get some answers from Cochran right before they kill him.
Dr. Daniel Challis: Why, Cochran? Why?
Conal Cochran: Do I need a reason?
"Well, yeah." Sean said.
Conal Cochran: Mr. Kupfer was right, you know. I do love a good joke. And this is the best ever. A joke on the children.
"So, this is your biggest plan ever? Pulling the best joke on the children by killing them with mask that turn you into insect heads? Murdering every child in America for a prank. What?" Sean asked.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(Brian and his brother Adam enter the kitchen with a gingerbread house, surprising their family and their loved ones)
Adam: Here's the gingerbread house we made.
Sherry: What is it?
Bob: Is it like a chocolate gingerbread house?
Lexi: A chocolate gingerbread house?
Brian: Yeah. That's what it is.
Taylor: Oh, my gosh. You two did a really nice job with it.
Cheryl: I know. It looks beautiful.
(Right when Brian and Adam sits the gingerbread house on the kitchen counter, Sean runs in the kitchen and grabs the gingerbread house, then he threw the gingerbread house down on the ground before stepping on it)
Brian: Dude!
Adam: Are you kidding me?!
Taylor: Sean, what the hell?!
Lexi: Oh, no!
Sherry: You cannot be serious?! Are you crazy?!
Sean: It's just a prank, bro!
Cheryl: Oh, no. This is unbelievable. What an asshole.
Bob: This is insane. I feel like decking your friend, Brian. I feel like decking him.
Lexi: Taylor, how can you stand Sean?
Taylor: It's not that easy.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
"Who pranks someone by killing them?! Is that what Halloween is about? Murdering children for no reason? Our villain, ladies and gentlemen! He's the fucking inventor of the original "It's Just a Prank, Bro!" and this is it!" Sean yelled.
Sean: (Narrating) But hey, at least Cochran's got an awesome villain speech.
Conal Cochran: You don't really know much about Halloween. You thought no further than the strange custom of having your children wear masks and go out begging for candy. It was the start of the year in our old Celtic lands, and we'd be waiting in our houses of wattles and clay. The barriers would be down, you see, between the real and the unreal. And the dead might be looking in to sit by our fires of turf. Halloween. The festival of Samhain. The last great one took place 3,000 years ago, and the hills ran red with the blood of animals and children.
"Okay, he's no Donald Pleasence. But Dan O'Herlihy gave one awesome villain speech." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And if you have any seriousness left, Cochran puts a ridiculous mask over Dan's head and plays the original Halloween on the television. (Laughs) Man, John Carpenter lost his mind.
Conal Cochran: And happy Halloween.
"John Carpenter lost his mind. Lost his mind, lost his mind. John Carpenter lost his mind, stick with Prince of Darkness." Sean sang.
Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, Dan makes his escape by kicking frantically at the television until he finally kicks it and the robots haven't even noticed this. And he escapes through the vent, but not before he manages to throw the mask at the camera in one try while being tied to the chair.
(Dan manages the throw the mask at the camera in one try)
"Yeah, I call bullshit." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Dan rescues Ellie and the two of them make their escape. Maybe they can act like Solid Snake from Metal Gear Solid and uses one of the boxes to sneak out. Dan starts pushing some buttons that he suddenly knows how to press on the console to activate the commercial and him and Ellie start dumping the chips on Cochran's goons and kills them. And I just love Cochran's reaction right here.
(Cochran looks up and sees Dan and Ellie and does the slow clap, then he gets zapped by a laser beam from Stonehenge, freezing him)
Sean: (V/O as Cochran) Oh, I guess my plan sucked. Well, at least I'm going out turning into Frosty the Snowman.
Sean: (Narrating) Dan and Ellie escape as the factory explodes and they leave Santa Mira, in a race against time to stop Cochran's plan.
(Ellie begins to attack Challis while he's driving)
"What the hell?!" Sean's eyes widened in shock.
Sean: (Narrating) Ellie's a robot? So, are you meaning to tell me that Ellie was actually a robot this whole time? Did Cochran kill the real Ellie and replace her with a robot? If so, then why did she help him escape and destroy the Silver Shamrock factory? Why did she wait to kill him now? Did Challis know that he was fucking a robot? Are you going to explain, movie? We need to know. Just explain. Explain. EXPLAIN!
(A clip from American Housewife plays)
Greg Otto (Played by Diedrich Bader): I don't know what's happening!
Sean: (Narrating) So, android Ellie tries to kill Dan, but the good doctor grabs a tire iron and decided to decapitate her like she's Ian Holm from Alien.
(Dan decapitates Ellie with a tire iron)
"Decapitation." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So after Dan defeats the robot, he…
(After Dan closes the passenger side, Ellie's missing arm grabs him by his neck)
Sean makes a face after seeing Ellie's arm trying to choke Dan.
(Dan throws Ellie's arm away)
"Anyway, so after Dan defeats the robot…." Sean said before getting interrupted again.
(Ellie's headless body comes to life)
"Oh, for the love of…" Sean rolled his eyes.
(Ellie's robotic body falls to the ground and shuts down)
"Are you finished yet?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Dan makes it to the gas station and calls the television stations to stop the commercials. Well, not because it could kill children but Tom Atkins doesn't want to hear that damn song. Luckily, channels one and two are off, but for channel three….
Dr. Daniel Challis: The third commercial, it's still on. Please. Take out the third channel. The third channel It's still running. Stop it, please. For God's sake, please stop it. There's no more time. You gotta- - Please, stop it. Stop it now. Turn it off! Turn it off! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
"Wow, Tommy Lee Wallace took the whole Invasion of the Body Snatchers-thing to a whole new level." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And that's how the film ends. Originally, it was going to end with the sound of children being murdered but no. Instead, we get to hear the theme music which I like and that's another good thing about this movie is the theme music.
"And that was Halloween III: Season of the Witch, and I know that I'm gonna sound crazy and maybe it's because of the alcohol, I think it's an okay film." Sean said. "Now, I know that it's still a bad movie but it's so bad that it's good."
(Clips from the film start playing)
Sean: (Narrating) Now, the film established it's reputation as a standalone cult film and this is what this movie should've been, a standalone film. We didn't need a "3" at the end of "Halloween", they could've just called it "Halloween: Season of the Witch". Critics gave the film negative reviews because of the absence of Michael Myers. It made it clear that people didn't like the anthology concept, but hey in 1988 we get a better Halloween film. Looking back at it now, I can't help but wonder what this series could've been like if they stuck with the anthology concept. Anyway, the movie has a lot of plot holes and some things didn't make sense. But it's still a decent horror movie. The only thing I like about the movie is the acting and the music. The music is not as good as Halloween or Halloween II, but it's still okay. Halloween III may not be the best in the Halloween but it definitely isn't the worst. Hey, they made a movie where Michael Myers gets his ass kicked by Busta Rhymes and that one was horrible. But hey, at least we get a better Halloween movie and the 2018 Halloween movie is awesome. Anyway, if you want to riff on a movie with your friends, this is the one for you. Halloween III: Season of the Witch gets two Silver Shamrocks out of 5.
"And that is all for Halloween Havoc, I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'm gonna have one hell of a hangover. Happy Halloween." Sean said before lying down on the couch.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Happy Halloween
And that is all for Halloween Havoc for The Mayhem Critic. I hope you enjoyed the Halloween III review. What did you think of the new chapter and what are your thoughts about the movie? I would like to know. Next time, I will be reviewing either the John Hughes movie Uncle Buck starring John Candy or since Thanksgiving is in November, I will be taking a look at the comedy Planes, Trains and Automobiles starring Steve Martin and John Candy. Which one should I review next? Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. If you want a co-review a movie with me or if you have an idea for the story to share with me, feel free to PM me if you're interested. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.