The Mayhem Critic

by James Stryker

He's the critic that rips movies a new one. The critic with a bad attitude and a renegade status with a short fuse.

48. Episode Forty-Four: Eight Crazy Nights

The Mayhem Critic

Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Man, it's great to be back to writing after I got my new laptop. Which means that I will be updating some of my stories and I will be working on new stories as well. Anyway, today Sean and his friend Lucas take a look at the animated Adam Sandler film from 2002 called Eight Crazy Nights. God help them. So here it is, the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Sit back, relax and enjoy.

P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All material belongs to their respective sources. Eight Crazy Nights is owned by Columbia Pictures and Happy Madison Productions.

Episode Forty-Four

Eight Crazy Nights

We see everyone's favorite fellow critic, Sean J. Archer aka The Mayhem Critic sitting in his living room like always with his cup of non-alcoholic egg nog in hand. However, instead of being his cheerful, energetic self, he starts looking very bored and depressed this time.

"Good evening, I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies, especially the ones on Christmas, a new one." Sean said to the camera before replying with a long sigh. "And to be honest, I didn't really want to plan this. I really don't. I'm not sure if I'm EXACTLY ready for the torture I'm gonna put myself when reviewing this next Christmas movie. Well, it's not exactly a Christmas movie to be clear. It's more like a Hanukkah movie. You fans ask yourself. "Why on earth would you want to review a Hanukkah movie where there aren't any to begin with?". Well, before we ask that important question, let's take time to focus on one man who may very well be much associated with the holiday itself. And that man is, is this…."

(A clip from the 1995 film Billy Madison is shown)

Billy Madison (Played by Adam Sandler): Sooooo hot. Want to touch the hiney.

Sean: (Narrating) That's right, it's Billy Madison/Happy Gilmore/Bobby Boucher himself, Adam freakin' Sandler. And oh my god, he was comedy gold back in the 90's. Right at the same exact time Jim Carrey tore it up in movies such as Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, Dumb & Dumber, The Mask and Batman Forever, which is more tolerable and watchable than Batman & Robin, Adam Sandler built a reputation of his own as one of the most funniest men of the decade. The actor got his start in the late 80's on The Cosby Show right before going on to be a series regular on the popular MTV game show, Remote Control. His appearances made an impression on both Dennis Miller and Lorne Michaels so much, he cast Sandler as one of the cast members on NBC's Saturday Night Live. And holy crap, SNL back in 1990 brought out the heavy hitters and big names such as Rob Schneider, David Spade, Chris Rock, Mike Myers, Dana Carvey, Phil Hartman, Kevin Nealon and the late great Chris Farley. Now THIS was an all-star team to end all-star team, am I frickin' right? Right after Sandler was done with SNL of all things, he successfully transitioned from small screen to the big screen this time with movies in the mid-90's such as Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, Bulletproof, The Waterboy, The Wedding Singer, Big Daddy, etc. Heck, there was not one single movie where Adam goes off playing the likeable ass we all know and love. But his other movies?

(A couple of posters are shown on the screen, most notably That's My Boy and Jack and Jill)

"Yeah, it's not pretty." Sean shook his head before speaking out loud. "Well, before we get to today's review, I'm gonna have another co-reviewer review this piece of godawfullness with me. So here with me returning on this holiday hellride is my friend Lucas aka UltimateWarriorFan4Ever. Nice to have you here with me tonight."

"Thanks, it is the Christmas season, so it was very fitting that I'd be here for this special occasion." Lucas nodded out with some egg nog in his hand. "Of course, special is the word because this movie was chosen by me for us to review together. Oh, and it was due to the bet I won against him in beer pong last night."

Fearing for the worst, Sean spoke out of regret. "Well, something tells me I'm gonna be up for another hangover then. And if you're all wondering the question on why there was no Hanukkah movie, well then, surprise surprise, Adam Sandler answered your prayers and made an animated film out of it. AND IT SUCKED!"

(The title card for "Eight Crazy Nights" is shown, as well as clips from the movie)

Sean: (Narrating) And the film we're talking about today is the Hanukkah trainwreck known simply as Adam Sandler's Eight Crazy Nights. The film was released worldwide by our good friends at Columbia Pictures on November 27, 2002 and directed by Seth Kearsley, who's known for working as an artist for animated films such as The Secret Life of Pets, Sing, and sadly enough, this movie. This was a movie co-produced by Sandler himself, marking his first foray into animated films. For those knowing how Sandler could name a title that's so obvious, it was based on his song entitled The Chanukkah Song, centering on the theme of Jewish children being alienated during the Christmas season while Sandler names a list of famous Jews that help being in the situation that those needy kids are in.

"And sooner or later, you're soon gonna find out that watching this film ain't gonna be one of them." Sean scowled at the camera.

Feeling the pain Sean was feeling, Lucas added out, " Trust me, I feel your pain. I used to own this movie myself when I was 15, and I thought it was pretty funny myself knowing I was an Adam Sandler fan myself. And knowing how much it's aged so far, let me tell ya, that was one hell of a mistake."

"As for me, I was pretty damn lucky not to own this movie growing up, myself." Sean nodded. "It wasn't until this good-ol' S.O.B. sitting right next to me here suggested that movie to me so much, I HAD to check it out myself on DVD. And ladies and gentlemen, I'm ready to take the torture."

Lucas then smirked out with a pat on the back replying, "Now that's the fighting spirit, my friend. Anyway, now that we're here, we're gonna put on our yarmulkes for this one as we get ready for the Hanukkah disasterpiece known simply as Eight Crazy Nights."

Before the movie review can start though, Lucas brought out an assortment full of Doritos and cinnamon-flavored rum placed on the table, one of whom was a bag of Spicy Nacho Doritos that Lucas gave to Sean.

"By the way, a bag of Doritos, my good man?" Smirked Lucas.

"Sure, no prob." Sean nodded as he took the bag.

But once he opened it right up, Sean's face immediately turned to disappointment when he sees that the bag is empty.

"Um, Lucas? Are you sure you gave me the right bag? Because this one's got no chips in it." Sean asked Lucas.

"Oh, trust me, you're gonna want to use it for later." Lucas replied, patting Sean on the back.

Lucas: (Narrating) Our film opens up with this nice little title card here alongside the fictional town of Dukesberry, which to me looks like any ordinary town you'd probably see in a Northern Exposure episode. Since we notice all throughout the film that Rob Schneider narrates the entire movie, me and Sean will narrate for him in his place since it sounds better this way.

Sean: (Narrating) It is also there that we're introduced to our protagonist/douchebag of the film, Davey Stone, voiced by Adam Sandler. Of course, we see him wasting his time away down at a Chinese restaurant downing and drinking some of the tastiest Scorpion bowls I've ever seen.

"I ain't lying, he's got an appetite that makes Naruto Uzmaki look fucking skinny." Lucas said to Sean.

Lucas: (Narrating) After we see Davey down his Scorpion bowl like a savage, he is approached by a racially-portrayed stereotypical Chinese waiter voiced constantly by Rob Schneider, which gives us this little gem.

Mr. Chang (Voiced by Rob Schneider): Four Scorpion Bowl in 5 minute? That's gotta be a restaurant record.

Davey Stone (Voiced by Adam Sandler): Well, right now, I'm gonna go for another restaurant record – longest burp.

(Davey then lets out a big , huge, gigantic burp that goes on for a good ten seconds, one of which disturbs a hobo walking by the restaurant. He's soon creeped out of it so much, he runs away)

(A clip of That's So Raven is shown with the title character, Raven Baxter, looking disgusted)

Raven Baxter (Played by Raven Symone): Ya nasty!

(Scene switches back to Mr. Chang, the Chinese waiter, looking very disgusted himself by Davey's burp)

Mr. Chang: Congratulations. Now please excuse me while I go take shower.

"No shit, we all need one after watching that!" Sean snapped at the camera.

"I swear, we can all smell Davey's alcohol breath from here!" Lucas replied as he held his shirt up to his nose.

Sean: (Narrating) Drunk off his ass, Davey decides to go for a nice spin. But while he pretty much fails at putting one single keyhole in, he gets a nice visit from the cops.

Cop #1 (Voiced by Jonathan Loughran): Hope you're not planning on driving tonight, Stone.

Davey Stone: (Drunkenly to cop) Uh, no officer, I'm just gonna say goodnight to my car and walk home and enjoy the holiday decorations.

"Well, that's a smart way for Davey to do." Sean nodded out. "He knows very well not to drive drunk aaaaand what the fuck is he doing?"

Davey Stone: (To his car) Ohhhh, mama, you like it when I hold you like this? Cause I'll do it all night long!

(Davey then licks one of the car windows, then proceeds to hump it from behind)

"I'll tell ya, nobody has car sex better than Adam Sandler." Lucas smirked a little.

While Lucas was smiling at the scene he was watching, Sean formed a very unnerving gulp inside his throat for some reason.

"You alright there, buddy?" Lucas asked Sean.

"I'm fine, it's just that I nearly threw up from watching that scene." Sean groaned before replying. "Oh god, I hope no one even dares to try and write a Davey/Car smutfic after watching that…"

(A clip of That 70's Show is shown featuring Red Forman)

Red Forman (Played by Kurtwood Smith): That kid's on dope!

Mr. Chang: He dine and dash me! He chew and screw me! He sip and skip me!

Cop #1: What?

"Hey, I don't even know what the fuck this guy was saying either. It's just Rob Schneider playing a Chinese waiter." Sean said.

Lucas: (Narrating) So the cops chase Davey after he dine and dashes, and then we get our first song in the movie.

(The first musical number, Davey's Song, starts)

Davey Stone: (Singing) I'm a kinda guy who can't stand a holiday.

So I drink 'em all away, that's me.

I don't decorate no trees and I won't eat no potato latkes.

But I'll give this old lady's melons a squeeze.

(Davey squeezes a lady's melons she's carrying)

Old Lady: Hey!

Davey Stone (Sings) That's just who I am.

"What the… Did this just turn into a Disney movie all of a sudden and Alan Menken wrote the song about how much Davey is a douchebag." Sean asked.

"Well, he kinda did confirm it, so it totally makes sense." Lucas said, nodding before taking a sip of his egg nog.

(Scene then switches to Davey skating past two kids who are spinning dreidels)

Davey Stone: (Sings) Well, I'll never spin a dreidel, but I'll always throw an egg and I'll charlie horse your leg for laughs.

(Davey then hits a pedestrian right in the leg)

"Well, this has definitely turned into Grand Theft Auto really fast, doesn't it?" Lucas smirked out.

"If Davey keeps it up, he's gonna get 5-stars on the wanted level." Sean said.

(Davey then rides down a hill where a choir is singing under the Christmas tree, and Davey decides to ride around the choir in circles)

Davey Stone: (Sings) While you're singing your holiday tune, I'm acting like the town buffoon. Whipping out my big white scary moon, and blowin' a beef your way…

(Davey then blows a big gigantic fart, therefore getting his fart cloud to surround the choir)

"Oh my god, dude! That's so unsanitary!" Sean replied, getting a little uneasy around his stomach.

"I know, their frickin' mouths were open." Lucas nodded in unison.

Davey Stone: (Sings) This time of year sucks. So I take my nunchucks and make sure every snowman di-i-es!

(Davey knocks down all the snowmen)

Davey Stone: (Sings) Believin' in Santa's all wrong.

(Davey then proceeds to rip off the beard off a Santa)

Santa Impersonator: Ho!

"Hey, watch it now! Don't be an asshole to Santa, or I'm comin' after you." Sean glared at the camera.

"Same here!" Lucas glared at the camera too with a nod.

Davey Stone: (Sings) And Hanukkah's eight nights long. I hate love, I hate you, I hate meeeeee…

(Davey then finally ends the chase by wrecking onto a Santa Claus ice sculpture, which tumbles alongside the ice sculptured menorah)

"Damn, that's gonna cost Davey a fuckin' fortune there." Lucas replied, sipping onto his egg nog.

"No kidding." Nodded Sean.

Pedestrian: (Off-screen) Davey Stone, you're nothing but a delinquent!

"Not to mention a douchebag, an asshole, a prick and obviously, a menace to society." Sean said, naming ways to describe Davey. "But then again, those very same things describes our orangutan of a President too."

"What about car-humper?" Lucas asked Sean.

"See, even my friend gets it!" Sean said to the camera while pointing to Lucas.

Sean: (Narrating) After endangering everyone and becoming a menace to society, Davey gets arrested and we see him in court the next day as the judge, voiced by Norm Crosby, starts spewing some exposition.

Judge (Voiced by Norm Crosby): In the past twenty years, I've sent you to reform school, the drunk tank, the local psychiatric ward….

"And none of those places didn't straighten him out? No wonder he's fucked up in the head." Sean said.

Davey Stone: (Opening a flask) Your honor, I still got a pretty good jump shot. Let me show you. (He takes a drink of whiskey, and then jumps very quickly, and not very far)

"Oh, how classy of him. Drinking in the courtroom. He should be on TruTV's World's Dumbest. Which reminds me. Got any of that cinnamon rum?" Sean asked.

"Hell yeah." Lucas nodded, adding a bit of cinnamon rum onto his egg nog.

(The people in the stands are very unimpressed of what Davey did)

Davey Stone: I'd hit a three-pointer for ya, except I'd have to drop my pants and pop a thumb up my boo-boo.

"Ugh, did I hear him say what I think he just said?" Sean replied, feeling a little grossed out.

Lucas nodded as he said. "I think Davey's threatening to either shove his thumb up his ass or pretty much flash the judge."

"I swear, none of them sounds good right now." Sean shook his head as he sipped his drink.

Lucas: (Narrating) Before the judge can finally put Davey away, this happens.

Mysterious Old Man (Voiced by Adam Sandler): Your honor, if it pleases the court, I'd like to interject for a moment.

Mr. Chang: (Looking confused) What the hell was that? Did anybody else hear a parakeet, or am I going crazy?

"Well, maybe you're just batshit insane." Sean pointed out.

Sean: (Narrating) So it turns out the mysterious voice coming from a short old man named Whitey Duvall, which is voiced by you said it, Adam Sandler. And… oh my god, he is just the most irritating character I've ever heard in my life, voice-wise. He sounds like what happened if Sandler got kicked hard in the nuts and sounded like a fuckin' Bee Gee.

Judge: Whitey, we went over this two months ago. It's your last year of reffing the youth league basketball. You're turning 70 years old and our insurance company says they won't cover you anymore.

Whitey Duvall: Ha, ha. No, no, no. My interjection pertains to the case currently under adjudication. You see, I knew this young man years ago when his moral fiber was still intact.

Judge: Whitey, what are you getting at?

Whitey Duvall: Why not sentence him to be a referee-in-training for the youth league basketball?

"Oh sure, like community service with a dwarf does make the world go round." Sean rolled his eyes.

"Next thing you know, let's have that idiot rapist Brock Turner serve time coloring some damn dinosaurs or maybe sentence Harvey Weinstein to be a creepy prostate doctor." Lucas replied to Sean.

Judge: Whitey, if you wanna work with this punk, then god bless you. But Mr. Stone, what Whitey says, goes. And if I hear you break ONE law, I will send you to the state penitentiary for no less than ten years.

Davey Stone: Huh?!

Judge: Happy holidays.

(Judge immediately bangs the gavel, forcing Davey to stare down at Whitey in an unamused fashion)

"Ten years, huh?" Lucas raised his eyebrow before shuddering. "I definitely hate to see Davey drop the soap in a state prison shower if he fucks up this whole town even once."

Sean: (Narrating) The next day, we see Davey starting his community service as a referee-in-training for Whitey's Youth Basketball League and…..

(Sean's sees something that disgusts him, the sight of Whitey's butt cheeks that are covered with white, furry hairas Whitey puts on his jock strap)

"OHHHHHH! UGH!" Sean screams in horror as he removes his glasses and covers his eyes with his hands. "MY EYES! MY BEAUTIFUL EYES!"

Davey Stone: Ugh! Jeezum crow! Did I just see too Persian cats on your ass? I think I'm gonna (burping) barf.

"Christ, I'm about this close to barfing up my guts out. God, I need to forget about that horrifying sight of Whitey's hairy white ass! Maybe a hot video from Brazzers would help." Sean said, pulling out his tablet and starts watching the video of Keisha Grey and Karlee Grey in a Brazzers Hot and Mean video and sighs in relief. "Ah, Keisha Grey lezzing it up with Karlee Grey. I'm feeling so much better now."

Lucas then muttered out. "Probably won't be later on…"

"Hmmm, did ya say something?" Sean turned to Lucas.

"Nothing." Lucas shook his head.

Davey Stone: Good to see you still got those circus feet.

Whitey Duvall: Men's 11 right foot, children's 9 left foot. *does a jig* At your service.

Davey Stone: (Looking disgusted) Yuck.

"I agree, those feet look UGGGGGGGGG-LY!" Shouted Lucas.

(A clip from Scott The Woz is shown)

Scott the Woz: Huh… yeah, that's the thing.

Sean: (Narrating) Whitey shows Davey the ropes as referee and he also reveals that he's hoping to win the 35th Annual All-Star Patch Award, it's the highest honor that the town hands out.

Whitey Duvall: I think it's gonna be our year, Whitey, I really do.

"Well, for your sake, let's hope that Davey doesn't screw it up like I don't know, uh, acting like a total fucking asshole to the children." Sean said.

Davey Stone: Foul in this kid fir eating everything in sight.

Fat Kid: Huh?

Davey Stone: Jelly jugs, next time you come on my court, you better wear a bra. Okay?

(The fat kid just runs off crying more)

Person #1: Jerk!

Person #2: Idiot!

(A clip from Back to the Future Part III is shown)

Marty McFly (Played by Michael J. Fox): He's an asshole!

"I think we all agree here that yeah, he's an asshole." Sean said.

Davey Stone: (To the audience booing at him) Oh, you don't like that? How about you throw something at me. I dare you.

Sean then proceeds to pull out a Mirco Uzi from underneath his coffee table. "Okay, so who's with me in giving this dude a public execution?"

"I'm in." Lucas nodded as he brought out a pair of brass knuckles. "Let's clean his fuckin' clock out."

(Whitey becomes horrified of the trash that's being spilled all across the basketball court)

Whitey Duvall: They're scratching up my floor. *his arm twitches* Here comes a seizure. Eeeeeeeeeeeeh!

(The rest of the people start being disturbed by the seizure Whitey is now having)

Whitey Duvall: This will pass in a second, kids! Don't be scared.

Basketball Kid: Is he breakdancing?

"Yeah, stupid. He's breakdancing." Sean replied sarcastically before shouting to the camera. "WHAT THE HELL YOU THINK HE'S DOING? GO HELP THE OLD BASTARD OUT!"

Lucas shook his head and said. "No wonder they're too stupid to get help."

(Davey blows the whistle, therefore signaling the end of the game)

Davey Stone: Okay, that's it. Game over. Nobody wants to see an old man die. *points to Fat Kid* Fatty's team loses 'cause I wanna see him cry again.

(The fat kid cries again as he becomes comforted by his parents, who stares angrily at Davey)

"See that look? That's the look of two parents who want to rip out Davey's spine like Sub-Zero." Sean pointed out.

Sean: (Narrating) So after seeing Davey being an asshole to the children, Whitey decides to take Davey to a place where he can mellow out. And what better way to mellow out is…. By taking him to a local mall.

Davey Stone: Why the hell are at the mall?

Whitey Duvall: 'Cause you need to clean your brain out, pal. And to me, the mall is the best place to do that.

Davey Stone: So, what's good about this place.

"A shit ton of product placement." Sean said. "Fun fact: director Seth Kearsley said all of the product placements were used without permission from their respective companies."

Sean: (Narrating) And if you though that Man of Steel had it worse with it's product placement, then check out some of the product placements in this film.

Whitey Duvall: You want a pair of socks? (Pointing) My buddy, Mr. Foot Locker will warm your feet. You need a fancy doodad? Hello, Sharper Image. Thanks for the combination pogo stick/clock radio. I mean, The Body Shop, the Tie Rack, GNC, Radio Shack, Petland for a cat or two, Spencer's Gifts for some fake dog doo, Sbarro's Dunkin' Donuts, they're simply the best. And don't forget the orange chicken at Panda Express.

"Okay, aside from Mac & Me and Man of Steel with their product placement, this one's definitely taking it in the backdoor." Sean said.

"More like Seth Kearsley dumped his ass full of them, to be exact." Lucas nodded out sipping his eggnog.

(Whitey then looks through the window inside a See's Candies store)

Whitey Duvall: But if you're short of cash like little old me, the window's shopping's always free.

Davey Stone: Is that something you prepared or did you rhyme that many times in a row by accident?

"I'm pretty sure Whitey just rhymed them, Davey." Lucas looked at the camera. "You know what happens to people when they think they're gonna die? They rhyme. I oughta know by watching Bunk'd on Disney Channel, bro."

"We're not lying, Kevin Quinn's a saint." Sean nodded right away.

Sean: (Narrating) Oh, looky here, there's a Victoria's Secret in the mall. I wonder why Whitey didn't mention- -

(A Victoria's Secret clerk walks into a dressing room and catches the Fat Kid wearing a bra)

Victoria's Secret Clerk: *To the fat kid* Aren't you a boy?

(The fat kid becomes humiliated so much he runs out of the dressing room bawling like a baby, forcing Sean to be a little disturbed at the scene he saw right now)

"Uh, can somebody explain to me why that fat kid was wearing a bra? Is there something that I should know about this kid? God, I'm a little disturbed." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Right when Whitey is busy talking to Davey about youth league basketball and teaching the children about responsibility and teamwork and that he's been doing it for about 35 years, we see a woman named Jennifer Friedman, voiced by Adam Sandler's real life wife Jackie Sandler.

"Okay, how much was he paying his wife to star in this piece of buffalo shit with him?" Sean asked while looking at the camera unimpressed. "It's like Dave Annable starring in the Freeform original movie No Sleep 'Til Christmas with his wife Odette Annable. Okay, bad example. Bad example. But seriously, Adam Sandler had his wife Jackie in this movie. How many movies have we seen Jackie in with her husband?"

(We see posters for the films The Week Of, Sandy Wexler, The Do-Over, The Ridiculous 6, Pixels, Blended and Grown-Ups 2 are shown)

"God help us all." Sean said with a shocked look on his face.

"Although, I did tolerate Grown-Ups, though." Added Lucas.

(Whitey digs into the bag of donuts that Jennifer had given to him)

Whitey Duvall: My fraternal twin sister's a diabetic, and out of respect for her and her disease, I don't eat sugar products.

Jennifer Friedman (Voiced by Jackie Sandler): There's a surprise in there, I think you're gonna like it.

Whitey Duvall: Don't tell me it's Bavarian cream-filled.

"No. it's a grenade with your name on it. WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS?!" Sean muttered in anger.

(Whitey eats the donut at first, and gets excited when he finds out what kind of donut it is)

Whitey Duvall: It is Bavarian cream-filled! Hubba bubba!

"God, can your voice get more annoying than that?!" Sean shouted to the camera as if he was actually shouting to Whitey himself.

"If you ask me, Whitey Duvall's voice is like Lemongrab from Adventure Time-bad." Lucas told Sean.

Lucas: (Narrating) But Jennifer's not alone though. With her is her son Benjamin, voiced by Austin Stout, who I must say is sporting quite a kickass Game Boy Advance to boot. After all, that system came out a year before this movie did.

Benjamin (Voiced by Austin Stout): Hi Whitey, I got another Hanukkah present tonight.

Whitey Duvall: Wow Benjamin, an Etch-A-Sketch? Not too shabby.

Davey Stone: *to Whitey* That's a Game Boy, you idiot.

Whitey Duvall: *to Davey* Ooooh sorry, I'm not hooked up on modern technology.

"Seriously, if you can't tell the difference between a Game Boy and a damn Etch-A-Sketch, then you're obviously hopped up on drugs, old man!" Sean raised his voice to the camera.

"Wouldn't it hurt for Whitey to go out a little bit more?" Lucas shouted before muttering. "Stupid old fart."

Lucas: (Narrating) Of course, Benjamin decides to show off his sweet little gift to Davey himself.

Benjamin: *to Davey* First night, I got a basketball and some dreidels. Then night two, I got a pup tent so I can camp in the backyard. And tonight, I got this.

Davey Stone: *to Benjamin* Wow, well maybe on night four, the Hanukkah Monster will come and take a big crap on your bed.

(Benjamin starts looking a little confused yet startled on what Davey said to him, forcing Jennifer to talk back to Davey

Jennifer Friedman: *sarcastically to Davey* Thanks for sharing the holiday spirit, psycho.

"Believe me, miss, he's already wrecked a whole lot of them so far in this movie." Sean said, sipping his rum/eggnog. "In fact it was so much, we lost count."

(Scene switches to Davey, who's busy checking out Jennifer's curvaceous hips with a sly smirk on his face)

Davey Stone: I'll tell ya, your girlfriend's backyard ain't sugar-free, that baby looks sweet.

(Sean's jaw immediately drops to the floor hearing this, forcing out quite a pleasing smile around his face in a sensual mood)

"Well, damn." Sean gulped before replying. "I never really thought I'd say this, but Benjamin's gotta be one lucky kid. Who in the fuck knew Jennifer Friedman was such a total MILF in this movie?"

Lucas had no choice but to display a "Dat Ass" expression all around his face, saying in arousing fashion. "I mean, did you take a look at that ass? Oh my god, no wonder Davey wants to touch the hiney! I mean, it's so supple like an apple!"

"No kidding!" Sean nodded out. "If I could, I would give Jennifer eight crazy nights with her. Just me (or you) seeing her get bent over, forcing me to come to her and slip my ever-loving, foot-long- -

(Before Sean could say what he could say about Jennifer though, Whitey Duvall rudely cuts Sean and Lucas off, looking very angry)

Whitey Duvall: Technical foul! Technical foul! That's a lady, and you will not speak about her in that way!

"Alright, alright! I'm sorry. I'll respect her and I will not say any derogatory comments about her. Just please stop yelling in that annoying-ass voice." Sean apologized.

Sean: (Narrating) Whitey tells Davey that Jennifer's husband of thirteen years leaves her for some woman that he met on the computer and she moved back to town a month a go to try and raise her son on her own.

Davey Stone: So she's available?

Whitey Duvall: Oh, you wish, mac. You blew your shot with her twenty years ago.

Davey Stone: Twenty years. (In realization) Was that Jennifer Friedman?

Whitey Duvall: I'm surprised you have enough brain cells left to remember.

"Oh, really? Because I thought he didn't have any brain cells for him to remember." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) We get a flashback to 1981, where we see Davey and Jennifer as kids playing basketball. Turns out that Davey and Jennifer were good friends back then.

Davey Stone: Hey, Jennifer, you still coming over to watch Dukes of Hazzard after the game?

Jennifer Friedman: That's a big 10-4, Davey.

Davey's Dad (Voiced by Stan Sandler): Hey, Davey! Smile! Your mom wants to take your picture.

"Cause heeeeeee won't rememberrrrrrrrr….." Lucas sang out, referencing the song Take a Picture by Filter.

Davey Stone: *to Jennifer* If ,y parents fall asleep early, I'll show you my basement.

Jennifer Friedman: *to Davey* Keep dreaming…

(Scene switches to see Whitey Duvall decked out in a white afro, moustache and referee uniform, looking groovy as ever)

Whitey Duvall: They make a nice couple boogie-oogie-oogies….

"Well, if I keep downing one of these, I won't be able to boogie anymore, will I?" Sean said, holding up his boozy eggnog in hand.

Sean: (Narrating) After that flashback, Davey and Whitey bump into the mayor, who's doing some shopping. By the way, the mayor's voiced by former SNL cast member and frequent Happy Madison collaborator Kevin Nealon.

"Because really, like we didn't have enough actors to collaborate with Sandler in his films from his production company." Sean said.

(The Happy Madison Productions logo is shown , with the elderly man, who's Adam Sandler's late father, Stanley)

Elderly Man: Terrific.

Whitey Duvall: Good evening , Mayor Stuey Duhy. Out for some late-night shopping?

Mayor (Voiced by Kevin Nealon): Yeah. Then I have to figure out how to rebuild our giant menorah and Santa. Thanks for ruining the ice pageant again, Stone.

Davey Stone: I didn't do it for you. I did it for the ladies.

(Davey makes a move towards some woman walking by)

Woman: Oh, yeah right.

Whitey Duvall: Um, so has there been talk about who the luck patch recipient might be this year or…?

Mayor: That's up to who the whole town votes for. Could be you or me or anybody. All right, I'm going to get going now.

Davey Stone: (Sarcastically) Good night, mayor! And the answer to your question is Spencer's Gifts. They definitely have furry underwear.

"Ewwww!" Sean said, making a disgusted look on his face.

Sean: (Narrating) And then we get our next song of the film and…. (Sighs) If you think that Whitey's voice is annoying to hear, well you haven't heard him sing.

(The Patch Song begins, then Whitey begins to dance)

Whitey Duvall: (Sings) Uh-won't. Uh-you. Uh-dance with me. At the annual all-star uh-banquet. Uh-we'll (suddenly has on a tuxedo). Uh-be. So fancy free.

"Oh, god. My ears." Sean said, putting his hand up to his ear. The young critic moves his hand away from his ear and looks down at his hand, only to see that his ears are bleeding. "Well, I see that my ears are bleeding from that old man's singing. Thanks a lot."

Whitey Duvall: (Sings) Everyone in town will be looking their best. Even Mrs. Selman with her one extra breast. It's the kind of night were your feet match. When you're nearly five foot THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-!

"Aggggggh, turn him the fuck off! I can't stand it!" Sean shouted to Lucas with his hands still shutting his ears.

"Will do, my friend." Lucas nodded by grabbing the remote control.

Seeing that Sean wasn't tolerating Whitey's singing any longer, Lucas pressed the mute button, finally silencing Whitey for good.

"Oh, thank goodness." Sean sighed in relief. "I thought he'd stop."

"Here's to hoping Whitey keeps his mouth shut without ever having to sing." Lucas nodded yet again.

Lucas: (Narrating) After that nightmare-inducing earworm, Whitey agrees to take Davey home while at the same time Davey's chowing down on some tasty peanut brittle. You smell that peanut brittle, Sean? It smellllllllls GUUUUUD!

Whitey Duvall: *to Davey* How's that peanut brittle?

Davey Stone: *to Whitey, with his mouth full* Crunchy and delicious.

Whitey Duvall: Funny, I don't remember Denise or Janice ringing up a purchase for you.

Davey Stone: I guess that means I STOLE it, doesn't it?

(Whitey then starts having a seizure while hanging on to the wheel, forcing him to lose control of the vehicle)

Davey Stone: Easy, seizure boy!

(Whitey ends up slamming the breaks, forcing the car to stop)

"What the hell, Davey? You could have killed that old bag!" Lucas whined to the camera.

"At least I'd be better off not having to hear him sing." Sean said in unison.

Lucas then nodded out and said. "Huh, good point."

Whitey Duvall: Ooh! That's it. I'm calling the judge.

Davey Stone: Go ahead. I'll be on the first bus outta here. I ain't spending ten years in prison.

"Do it, Whitey. Do it! Take him to jail. Make him learn not to be an asshole. Let him sit in jail with some guy named Hustle Man so he can stick his foot so far up his ass, he'd be able to taste his goddamn shoe laces. Let Davey become somebody's bitch in jail! Let's some guy treat this douchebag like a bitch and make him comb his motherfucking chest hair!" Sean yelled out. "That's what jail is for."

Whitey Duvall: Maybe I'll just take you in myself. Don't think you can intimidate me just because of my size.

Davey Stone: Why? You're smaller than me? (Bounces Whitey up and down) I didn't notice that.

Whitey Duvall: Put me down! Put me down! And get out of my car right now!

Davey Stone: Oh, no. You're going to make me walk ten feet? (Opens door to reveal his trailer) 'Cause that's where I live, idiot!

Whitey Duvall: I'm letting this one go, Stone. But next screwup, it's slammer time. Hmm!

Sean gets extremely ticked off and he is unable to control himself. "MOTHERFU…..!"

As he yells and slams his fists down on the coffee table, we see a giant, massive explosion blowing up a house and a giant mushroom cloud can be seen. A few moments later, we see a very exhausted Sean trying to calm himself down.

"Okay, I'm fine. Back to the film before I cause more damage." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Davey goes back to his trailer to relax, and we see that he has a card from his parents, we'll get to that later. Meanwhile, Whitey is having trouble with his car until he has some help from some friendly animals.

Whitey Duvall: Hey! A little help, fellas?

(The deer, who are all voiced by Adam Sandler, chatter and start to push Whitey's car forward)

"Ah yes, nothing makes mother nature more satisfying than seeing fellow deer help their human friends in hand." Sean sighed happily, seeing this nice gesture that the deer were doing for Whitey.

"Oh, I guarantee you we'll see them again soon." Lucas said, patting his friend on the shoulder before muttering. "Trust me, you will most of all."

"Hmm, what was that?" Sean asked Lucas.

"Nothing." Lucas shrugged.

Lucas: (Narrating) Thanks to the deer, Whitey is able to get back home safe and sound, only to see that his fraternal twin sister, Eleanor Duvall, gets a little worried sick about him being gone for long. Eleanor is voiced by, you said it, Adam Sandler.

"Well, I can't wait to see what SHE sounds like." Sean rolled his eyes in an unimpressed way.

Eleanor Duvall (Voiced by Adam Sandler): You're an hour and 51 minutes late. I already called the morgue. They said you weren't there but to try back later.

Sean starts screaming in agony from the sound of Eleanor's voice. "God, that voice! Feels like my head is about to explode!"

"Sounds like a much more stupider Fran Drescher if she was born with a high-pitched voice." Lucas nodded.

Whitey Duvall: *takes his coat off* I had an interesting talk with the mayor tonight.

Eleanor Duvall: The mayor? Was it about the ruffians who stole my Liz Taylor wig?

Whitey Duvall: Eleanor, that was 45 years ago.

"I can't remember what I even did 45 years ago! Obviously because I wasn't frickin' born yet!" Sean snapped out.

Sean: (Narrating) So, Whitey and Eleanor soak their feet into buckets of hot water, and Whitey tells Eleanor that the mayor seems to think there's a chance that he might receive the patch this year and Eleanor tells Whitey not to get his hopes up too high about the patch. Then, we cut to the next day, where we see Whitey searching the town for odd jobs to help out himself and Eleanor.

Lucas: (Narrating) Of course, what better way for Whitey to start than hang up a star on the good ol' Christmas tree right next to the mall.

Whitey Duvall: How's that fellas?

Construction Guy 1: It's crooked, shorty. Move it to the right.

Whitey Duvall: You got it.

(Whitey tries to move the star to the right, but slips on a branch and falls off the tree, landing smackdab onto a present which gets him stuffed inside)

Construction Guy 1: Well, would you look at that? It's a "Jackass-In-The Box"!

"Oh, that's a good one." Lucas smirked. "Johnny Knoxville would so use that name if he ever starts a restaurant of his own."

"All complete with Bam Margera Burgers served with a side of Steve O-nion Rings and a WeeMan-sized drink." Sean smirked as well before sipping on his eggnog.

Sean: (Narrating) After making a fool of himself after trying to put the star up on the Christmas tree, Whitey starts cleaning some porta potties and Davey, who steps out of a third porta potty with a hangover, decided to pick on him.

Whitey Duvall: That's what happens when you hit the bottle, pal. You go to sleep in Dukesberry, you wake up in Pukesberry. (Starts to hose down the last porta potty and laughs at his joke) Pukesberry.

(Davey gets pissed off and shuts the door on Whitey, locking him shut. Then, Davey pushes the porta potty down , sending Whitey down the hill in a room full of human feces)

"Okay, that's a shitty thing to do." Sean said as a comedic rimshot is heard.

(Whitey then climbs out of the porta potty, covered in human feces)

We then cut to Sean, who's doing a Jim Carrey-style dry heave from Dumb and Dumber from the sight of Whitey covered in poop. "Nope. Not gonna do it. I'm not gonna end up vomiting like the late George H.W. Bush. Ain't gonna happen. Nope. Not here."

(Davey rushes down the hill with a hose)

Davey Stone: That's a good look for you. But for health reasons, I should probably spray you off.

(Davey sprays Whitey with water, freezing him in ice)

Whitey Duvall: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Davey Stone: Smell you later, poopsicle. (Laughs)

"Okay, that was pretty funny. Whitey did deserve it." Sean chuckled a bit.

(We transition to nighttime, a still frozen Whitey notices the deer walking over)

Whitey Duvall: A little help, please.

"Oh, Christ. Please tell me that the deer are not going to…" Sean said, dry heaving once more.

"Oh, I think they're gonna." Lucas nodded, fearing the worst to happen for Sean.

(The deer immediately come over and lick the ice and crap ice off of Whitey)

Whitey Duvall: Your tongues tickle! It tickles!

(One of the deer starts to turn to the camera and smiles with the rest of the shit stuck to his teeth. Sean becomes horrified and traumatized by this image so much that he starts to get a sore taste in both his mouth and stomach altogether)

"OH MY GOD!" Sean cried out in agony before heaving. "I think… I think I'm gonna….!"

"Quick, use the empty Dorito bag I gave ya!" Lucas said, pointing to the Dorito bag sitting on the coffee table.

Not holding out his bile any longer, Sean quickly grabbed the Dorito bag and vomited violently inside it non-stop, forcing out one unnerving smile coming from Lucas himself.

After puking once more inside the bag yet again. An upset stomach-ridden Sean turned to Lucas and shouted. "WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU MAKE ME WATCH THIS?!"

Sean: (Narrating) After puking your guts from that shit-eating scene. God, I haven't puked this much since I first saw Two Girls, One Cup. We cut to the Jewish Community Center, where Davey is called to the basketball court so Whitey can teach him some of the rules of basketball and one of the basketball players overhears that Davey can take them on in a game of basketball.

Basketball Player #1: I'd like to see that. I'd like to see that right now.

(The basketball player throws a basketball at Davey.

Whitey Duvall: He was just kidding, fellas. Whole lot of jibber jabber. We got no beef with you guys. Heeheehee.

Basketball Guy #1: Because if a midget and a drunk can beat us, I'd eat my own jockstrap.

"Okay, who thinks that Davey and Whitey will get whooped by these two guys in a game of basketball? Raise your hands." Sean said as he and Lucas both raised their hands.

Basketball Guy #1: First to five wins. We're shirts.

Whitey Duvall: Oh, boy. Does that mean we're skins?

"Christ, no. Keep your shirt on, old man. It's bad enough I threw up from that scene. I don't need to start throwing up again." Sean glared at the camera.

Sean: (Narrating) So, Davey and Whitey take on the two basketball players in a game and….

(Whitey tries to shoot through, until the basketball guy comes in and knocks the ball right down onto Whitey's head and into his mouth, knocking him down)

"DAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMNNNNNN!" Sean and Lucas both yelled out.

(A clip from Friday After Next is shown)

Craig (Played by Ice Cube) and Day-Day (Played by Mike Epps): You got knocked the fuck out!

Craig: Bitch!

Davey: Are you finally dead, old man?

(Davey turns Whitey over to see he's been knocked out and looking crazy, but still alive. He spits out the basketball)

"Damn it. He's still alive. This film had ample opportunity to kill that old fart and yet he lives." Sean said, rolling his eyes.

"He's like Tom Cruise from frickin' Edge of Tomorrow!" Lucas pointed out right away.

Whitey Duvall: *feeling dazed* I'll be over to feed the cats in the morning, Mrs. Addison…

Davey Stone: Ok, he's useless.

(Davey picks Whitey up and places him on a bench)

Davey Stone: One more thing….

(Davey puts both of Whitey's hands inside his pants, making him feel relaxed)

Whitey Duvall: Good kitty, nice kitty…

"Ugh, I probably don't need to ask…" Lucas shook his head to the camera.

"Me neither." Sean nodded before replying. "I'm pretty sure it's bestiality Whitey's dreaming about right now. Creepy old bastard."

Lucas: (Narrating) With Whitey down for the count, Davey immediately chooses Jennifer's son Benjamin to fill in for him, despite the kid not being good at the sport itself. That all changes when Davey manages to give him advice, telling him to shoot when necessary.

"So, how do you think this one's gonna go?" Lucas asked Sean.

"To be honest with you, I think that they might win this one. With Benjamin taking over for Whitey, I have hope in this kid. They might beat these two." Sean said.

(Benjamin shoots at the basket and scores)

Benjamin: Yeah!

Davey Stone: (To basketball guy) Uh-oh, looks like you better start showing the spaz some respect.

(The basketball guy passes the ball to Davey, who twirls it with his finger for a second, then begins dribbling, taunting the man as Benjamin and the second basketball guy look at each other, wondering what Davey is doing)

Davey Stone: Where am I going, baby? Where am I going? Oh, snap. Oh, snap. Oh-ho-ho-ho!

"Quit taunting the guy and pass the ball over to the kid!" Sean yelled out.

(Davey passes the ball over to Benjamin, who shoots the basket and scores. Davey then points to the sweaty, fat man who's doing aerobics)

Davey Stone: I hope you all like your jockstraps extra sweaty.

Sweaty Fat Man (Voiced by Adam Sandler): A-one, A-two, A-three!

(The camera zooms in on the fat guy's jockstrap, which of course makes Sean's stomach uneasy)

"Oh, crap, I think I'm gonna…." Sean said, heaving a bit before taking a big gulp, indicating that he almost came close to throwing up.

"Nice save there, buddy." Lucas said, patting his friend on the back.

Sean nodded and replied. "You kiddin' me? As if sick things like that didn't make my stomach churn enough."

(Benjamin shoots to the basketball, with the second basketball guy missing a chance to receive it)

Davey Stone: Got a piece! (Jumps up and slam dunks the ball into the basket) Bam! Got a piece of my ass!

Sean: (Narrating) Davey and Benjamin manage to beat the two basketball guys and just when we thought that Davey was beginning to change, he gets Benjamin to say this.

Benjamin: Eat that nut-strap, be-yatch!

Jennifer Friedman: (Walks in mad and starts yelling) Benjamin!

"Smart move, Davey-Boy. Teaching the kid to curse? You're a role model to the children." Sean smirked a bit.

"Yeah, hard to believe parents are the same whenever they let their 8-year old watch South Park." Lucas nodded in unison.

Jennifer Friedman: *to Benjamin* Don't EVER use that kind of language again. Do you hear me?

Benjamin: I'm sorry.

Davey Stone: *to Jennifer* Ah, he's just having some fun.

"No kidding, I'd love to have fun with Jennifer myself." Sean smirked naughtily.

"Me too." Lucas said as he started daydreaming. "Hmmm, if there was ever a XXX parody of this movie, I'd so want Kendra Lust or Lisa Ann as Jennifer for sure."

"Count me in." Sean nodded before he said to the camera. "And I don't give a damn if Whitey gives me a so-called 'technical foul', I want that hot piece of MILF ass because it's my show, damn it!"

(Jennifer leaves with Benjamin. Then, we cut to Whitey, who's still feeling his behind)

Whitey Duvall: My finger's in your mouth, kitty, but I don't feel no teeth.

"OHHHHHH! Yuck! What the flying fuck, movie?!" Sean yelled out.

Sean: (Narrating) After that scene, we get our third song of the film called Long Ago.

Davey Stone: (Sings) It all seems so long ago.

Jennifer Friedman: (Sings) Young and happy don't you know.

Davey Stone: (Sings) Down by the creek I would show. Fireflies to that girl.

Jennifer Friedman: (Sings) But that was back when he was so nice

Davey Stone: (Sings) Before my warm heart turned to ice.

"Ah, well this is nice to hear a song from both Davey and Jennifer, even though that's not Jackie Sandler singing." Lucas sighed in relief.

"I know. This is a great song. There's no way that they could possibly ruin this perfectly, good…" Sean said, before getting interrupted.

Whitey Duvall: (Sings) Eleanor's bra is a trainer.

"Goddamn it, movie! Why? Just why?" Sean asked, removing his glasses from off of his face and making a facepalm.

Davey Stone: (Sings) Well, over there's my family home.

Jennifer Friedman: (Sings) And the woods we used to roam.

Whitey Duvall: (Sings) The only time I had sex was on the phone.

Sean immediately spits out his eggnog in shock.

"Yeah, the feeling's mutual." Lucas sighed disappointingly. "Except, I'm all out of eggnog. Damn it."

"If Whitey's gonna keep singing like this, the only thing I'm gonna lose is my lunch." Sean answered with a groan.

Davey Stone: (Sings) I've carved our names upon that tree.

Jennifer Friedman: (Sings) I loved him and he loved me.

Mayor Stuey Duhy: (Sings) My darling wife was once a "He".

(The person turns to the camera, revealing to be a big middle-aged man with a short female bob haircut)

Middle-Aged Man/Mayor Duhy's Wife: But that was long ago….

"Okay Mayor, we really didn't need to know that about you!" Sean shouted with a cringe.

"Indeed." Lucas nodded before replying . "By the way, here's a little cool fact about this song: Jennifer's singing voice was done by Alison Krauss, who in my mind is a tremendous country singer. If you haven't seen her work, listen to her cover of Keith Whitley's 1988 classic, When You Say Nothing At All from 1995. It is that perfect. Okay, back to the song."

Jennifer Friedman: (Sings) He'd always whisper in my ear.

Davey Stone: (Sings) But then I started drinking beer.

Whitey Duvall: (Sings) My jewels got licked by six frisky deer.

(An image is shown of the deer smiling with crap still on their teeth. Sean immediately looks at this and starts to feel uneasy again)

"Oh, god. Don't. Because I do not want to see that. Can we get to something else interesting other than deer with shit stuck to their teeth?" Sean asked.

Jennifer Friedman: (Sings) Now he's just a loner and a liar.

Davey Stone: (Sings) And my trailer's caught on fire…Fire?!

(Davey's trailer is set on fire by the basketball guy, who has a jockstrap in his mouth)

(A clip from Scott the Woz is shown)

Scott the Woz: Oh, shit. (Btw, the word "shit" is bleeped out.)

"Thank you! At least we get some action from this movie." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) One of the guys that Davey beat in the basketball sets his trailer on fire. I don't know how he knows where Davey lives. And Davey runs inside his trailer and saves his card from his parent from getting burned up. Now, Davey is left without a home. Sucks to be him.

"See that? Serves you right for being an asshole to the whole town." Sean said.

(A clip from Faking It is shown)

Lauren Cooper (Played by Bailey De Young): Karma's a bitch.

Whitey Duvall: Maybe it's some kind of sign. After all, Chanukah is the festival of lights.

Davey Stone: I should stick you on a twig and roast you.

"Hey, that's not a bad idea at all. Let's roast the little old bastard." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) No, he doesn't do that. Instead, he's staying with Whitey and Eleanor at their house for a while. Oh, joy.

Lucas: (Narrating) Meanwhile, we cut to Eleanor, who is busy dealing with some kid who's pulling a Bart Simpson-style prank call.

Mischievous Kid: (Over phone) Hi, is Ophelia there?

Eleanor Duvall: Ophelia who?

Mischievous Kid: Ophelia Hiney.

"Ophelia? Is there an Ophelia Hiney in here? Ophelia Hiney? I want Ophelia Hiney." Sean said, imitating Moe Syzlak from The Simpsons as Lucas starts laughing.

Eleanor Duvall: Oh, feel my hiney?

(The kids over the phone start laughing)

"Uh, no. I would rather feel Bailey Brooke's hiney or Alexis Texas' hiney. Better yet, how about I feel on Bailey Brooke, Alexis Texas and Lexi Belle's hineys. Yeah. I would so love that." Sean smirked and winked naughtily.

"Same here with Sara Jay and Jaylene Rio's." Lucas smirked naughtily as well.

Lucas: (Narrating) Once Eleanor sees Davey Stone in their house for the first time, this happens.

(Eleanor looks at Davey, but starts having a freakout and gets frightened)

Eleanor Duvall: (Screams) It's a home invasion robbery! Take whatever you want, but please don't chop my legs off!

Whitey Duvall: It's okay, Eleanor. It's okay!

Eleanor Duvall: *to Whitey* Whitey, thank god you're here, we're being robbed by a lunatic! *to Davey* Mister, if you're gonna kill us, take off your wet shoes. They're soaking the carpet!

"Well, if you keep shooting your mouth off like an annoying gnat, maybe he will!" Sean shouted to the camera.

"Then again, that also best describes Donald Trump as well." Lucas said to the camera too.

Whitey Duvall: Eleanor, that's Davey Stone, my new partner.

Eleanor Duvall: *to Whitey* The criminal? Did he force you to bring him here so he can molest you?

Sean and Lucas both look at the camera with a shocked expression on their faces. The two were both speechless from what Eleanor just said until we cut to a clip from JonTron.

(A clip from JonTron is shown)

JonTron: What?! What the fuck?!

Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, so the Duvall household has a whole lot of rules that Whitey refers to them as technical fouls after Davey whips out a can of beer and then we get our fourth song.

(The song Technical Foul, starts)

Whitey Duvall: (Sings) If you come in from the street. With dirty shoes on your feet. That's a technical foul. If you switch the radio to some "modern" music show. That's a technical foul.

"Uh, yeah. I'm gonna put these earbuds in my ear and I'm gonna listen to Twisted Sister's Silent Night because I do not want to hear that old gremlin singing again." Sean said, putting his earbuds in his ears and starts listening to Silent Night by Twisted Sister.

"Go ahead, my man. I'm gonna enjoy the song." Lucas said as he kicked back on the coffee table.

Whitey Duvall: (Sings) If you don't shut the door, after using the 'fridgerator, cause that's a technical foul. A technical foul!

Lucas somehow grows disinterested from this song so much that it starts to make him frown in response.

"Eh, screw this. I'm just gonna skip to the parts I like." Lucas said before grabbing the remote control to press the fast forward button.

Davey Stone: (Sings) If I make fun of your crazy feeties, or give sugar cookies to Miss Diabetes…

Whitey Duvall: (Sings) That's not only a technical foul, but possibly a homicide!

"Maybe if we fed them to you, that would make Sean happy and we would live without your annoying singing voice without driving us to suicide." Lucas muttered to himself before saying. "Oh, by the way: SKIP!"

Lucas then pressed the fast-forward button again skipping to the part where Davey started marching proudly.

Davey Stone: (Sings) Can I walk around with my morning erection?

Whitey Duvall: (Sings) If you want an automatic ejection, 'cause that's a technical foul.

Eleanor Duvall: (Sings to Davey) But I like to see it anywaaaaaaaaaaay!

(Davey starts to feel disgusted hearing Eleanor's comment towards him)

Eleanor Duvall: *to Davey* Just kidding.

(Eleanor then starts to wiggle her eyebrows at Davey in quite a suggestive manner)

Sean then took notice the scene himself too, forcing him to feel uncomfortable by this so much so that he took his headphones off and said to Lucas. "What the hell was Eleanor doing to Davey right about now?"

Lucas then said to Sean. "I think she wants to see Davey's boner."

"Noooooooooooooo! No, no, no, no, no! NO! That's a technical foul right there!" Sean angrily points to the camera. "How about I get Kendra Lust to see Davey's boner. Now, that's not a technical foul."

Sean: (Narrating) So after that song, we see that time passes and we see that Davey seems to be changing for the better, as he helps Whitey and Eleanor around the house.

(Eleanor is trying to reach some cobwebs with a broom and Whitey comes to assist her)

Whitey Duvall: Wish we were taller, Eleanor?

Eleanor Duvall: I can't reach the cobwebs.

(Davey picks up Whitey on his shoulders. He then picks up Eleanor, who rides on Whitey's shoulders and Eleanor then brushes off the cobwebs)

Eleanor Duvall: Thank you, Davey.

Davey Stone: No problem, Eleanor.

"Did I just see Davey being nice? Davey's being nice." Sean said, then gasps. "Shocker!"

(A clip of the Angry Video Game Nerd is shown)

AVGN: (Sarcastically) What a surprise.

(Scene then shows Davey brushing his teeth, who then turns to both Whitey and Eleanor who are shaving. Whitey is busy shaving his chest while Eleanor is doing her unibrow)

Whitey Duvall: Shaving the chest.

Eleanor Duvall: Nobody likes a unibrow.

Sean immediately sees this and starts to feel sore all around his throat and stomach very easily.

"Oh, damn it…" Gagged Sean.

(We then cut to Davey lying on the couch reading as Whitey turns on a light for him while Eleanor brings him a fake can of peanuts. Davey grabs the fake can of peanuts and opens it as snakes pop out. Eleanor laughs and Whitey starts having a seizure. Both Eleanor and Davey are laughing)

Davey Stone: Good one, Eleanor.

"Oh, ha ha ha. Ha! That's funny! Go ahead, let the old fart die because seizures is funny. God, you're a sick fuck, Sandler." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating): The next day, we see Davey, Whitey and Eleanor at the skating pond and…

(Eleanor is trying to eat a corn dog with a fork and a spoon)

Eleanor Duvall: Now, I can understand wrapping the cornmeal around the hot dog, but why the heck would they shove the stick in here? I'm exhausted trying to cut around it.

Davey Stone: You're supposed to hold the stick and just eat the corn dog off of it.

"Who the hell eats a corn dog with a fork and spoon? Just eat the corn dog off of the stick. If you don't know how to eat at corn dog, then I should just slap you in the face for being born stupid." Sean said.

"Ditto." Lucas said.

Sean: (Narrating) We then get some insight on how Davey is the way he is now as we get a flashback to 1981 and we see it's the night of the basketball game at the Jewish Community Center. Oh, and it's Hanukkah. Anyway, Davey's parents were supposed to be at the game, until something tragic happened to them. And this is where the drama starts.

Davey Stone: Okay, nice story. You can stop now.

Eleanor Duvall: No, no, go on. Whitey, I mesmerized.

Davey Stone: Can we just go? I'm cold.

"Yeah, I want to hear what happened. Go ahead, Whitey. Tell the story." Sean said.

"Yeah, go ahead. I'm sold." Lucas nodded before pouring himself another glass of eggnog.

Whitey Duvall: Unfortunately, this fairy tale doesn't have a happy ending.

Lucas: (Narrating) It is there that we soon learn that Davey's parents were tragically killed in a horrific car accident due to a truck that hit a patch of black ice and swerved into oncoming traffic. And the only thing that escaped the entire wreckage was the Hanukkah card that his parents was gonna give him after the game. Filled with sorrow, Davey now becomes an orphan as a result, and soon leads to his bad behavior that he is built with now. And Jennifer attempting to make him feel better doesn't even work either.

Jennifer Friedman: Davey, I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say.

Davey Stone: There's nothing to say. My parents are dead. Happy Hanukkah. Now leave me alone.

(Davey soon walks past Jennifer and leaves, making her even more sad)

Eleanor Duvall: Like that's the saddest story I've ever heard.

(Eleanor cries a bit stupidly before calming down with a nice sigh)

"No crap, having to sit watching this poopfest is just sad enough as it is." Sean groaned to the camera before looking at Lucas. "Got more of that cinnamon rum?"

"I got more where that came from, buddy." Lucas nodded, pouring some more rum into his eggnog.

Sean: (Narrating) However, Whitey's retelling of that tragedy triggers something inside Davey so bad, he decides to take his rage on the old man. But not until Eleanor decides to intervene at the moment.

Eleanor Duvall: *to Davey* You know, I read recently in Reader's Digest that people who let themselves cry when they're hurting are so often stronger than the people why try to hold all their pain inside.

Davey Stone: *to Eleanor* Did you read about a deformed referee who spends 35 years trying to win some stupid patch so he can pretend people actually like him?

Eleanor Duvall: Which month was that in?

"Oh, I know what it is!" Sean raised his hand before saying. "It was that one issue where I tried to kill myself after watching some stupid dumbass deer lick excrement and ice off a frozen old fart. And not to mention an editorial where Ross Lynch explains to everyone why he made a sex tape with him, Laura Marano and Dove Cameron in one Paris night a short time ago. I'm kidding, that one's not true, although my friend Lucas does have a smutfic idea that has Austin Moon making love to both Ally Dawson and Liv Rooney in a hot threesome. Hoping to read that soon enough.

Whitey Duvall: *to Davey* Take that back.

Davey Stone: *to Whitey and Eleanor* Listen, if they have an award for the freakiest-looking fraternal twins who no one gives a crap about, you two are definitely winning. *to Whitey* But that patch thing ain't ever gonna happen for you, because the truth is: NOBODY IN THIS TOWN EVEN KNOWS YOU EXIST!

"Yikes man, take a frickin' chill pill why don't ya?" Lucas cringed a little due to Davey's outburst.

"Whitey just had to break him like that." Sean shook his head before turning to the right. "Kenan Rockmore, how did you react?"

(A clip of Kenan and Kel is shown with Kenan Rockmore looking flabbergasted)

Kenan Rockmore (Played by Kenan Thompson): WHHHHHHHY!?

(Clip then switches back to Eleanor looking offended and upset)

Eleanor Duvall: *to Davey* You're an animal!

Davey Stone: *to Eleanor* And you're bald!

(Davey rips Eleanor's wig off)

Eleanor Duvall: Not again!

(Eleanor then falls to the ground)

Whitey Duvall: *to Davey* You're not… welcome in my house.

Davey Stone: *to Whitey* Good, YOUR HOUSE SUCKS!

"Well, so much for him being nice. And you know something, there's a song that Denis Leary made about him. I forgot what the name of the song was." Sean said, thinking of the name of the song Denis Leary made in 1993.

"I think I know what the name of the song is." Lucas said.

"Oh, yeah. Now I remember…." Sean said.

"ASSHOLE!" Sean and Lucas both pointed and yelled at the camera as the song Asshole by Denis Leary starts playing with a picture of Davey Stone popping up.

Jennifer Friedman: Do you have to be nasty to everyone who tries to help you?

Davey Stone: That's my problem!

(Davey throws Eleanor's wig at Jennifer. Jennifer ducks and the wig lands on the China Dragon Waiter)

Chinese Waiter: He just a no-goodnick. And I am the real Kristi Yamaguchi.

"Except Kristi Yamaguchi is a better skater than you." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) So, Davey goes back to his asshole ways. And this bums out Whitey and Eleanor as they get ready for the banquet, with the help of the crap-licking deer. God, no. I do not want to deal with any deer licking shit. This is too much for me. While Whitey and Eleanor are getting ready for the banquet, a drunken Davey breaks into the mall and goes into a drunken rage.

Davey Stone: SHUT UP! Jennifer! JENNIFER! (Walks into the mall drunkenly) What's the matter with the way I live my life? Huh, Jennifer?! Where are you?! Home reading your baby boy a bedtime story while he sucks his thumb and goes pee-pee on his blanket?! AWW, HORSESHIT!

"Explains this movie to a T." Sean nodded out that fact.

"Yep, T of course as in Turd." Smirked Lucas.

Lucas: (Narrating) All of a sudden, at the end of Davey's little rant, this happens.

Mysterious Voice: Well, look who finally showed up. We've been waiting for you all night.

Davey Stone: *looking around* Who said that?

Foot Locker Referee (Voiced by Peter Dante): I said that. Everybody, wake up. This is not a rehearsal. Numbnuts is here!

Lucas immediately shakes his head and bulges his own eyes at what he sees.

"Okay, I'm either drunk from the cinnamon rum eggnog or that Foot Locker referee came to life and talked to Davey right now." Lucas replied before stating. "Okay, they're all fricking coming to life right now! How bizarre…"

Lucas: (Narrating) Yes, fans. You're not seeing this. You're seeing actual products coming to life. I mean, look at this scene right here, you got Chris Farley's younger brother voicing a frickin' Panda Express panda, you have Dylan and Cole Sprouse from The Suite Life as K-B Toys soldiers, you got the voice of SpongeBob SquarePants as a Sharper Image chair, you got Shawn Hunter's dad from Boy Meets World as a frickin' walkie talkie, you got a Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf cup coming to life and burning the ever-loving shit out of Davey, you have the rapping grandma from The Wedding Singer as a See's Candies box, you got Tyra Banks as a hot red Victoria's Secret gown and to top it all off, Apollo Creed as the biggest GNC bottles I laid my eyes on.

"I'll tell ya, this is like the biggest non-acid acid trip I've ever been in." Nodded Sean.

Sean: (Narrating) And then we get our next song of the movie. Oh, my god! Another one!

"I haven't heard that many songs since The Pebble and the Penguin!" Sean snapped at the camera.

(The Intervention Song starts)

Foot Locker Man: (Sings) We all heard what happened at the skating rink today. When Whitey brought up your sad past. You snapped and walked away. Well maybe they're onto something that you should give a try. Go ahead and have yourself a cry.

"I should give myself a cry right now. Because this movie is torturing me with it's songs!" Sean yelled out.

K.B. Soldiers: (Sings) Let it out, Davey.

Davey Stone: (Sings) Aw, shut your wooden mugs.

Victoria's Secret Dress: (Sings) Let it out, Davey.

GNC Guy: (Sings) Would you check out her bezugs.

"I would rather check out Ariel Winter's bezugs." Sean said, looking depressed.

"Or perhaps Dolly Fox's, Bambi Blacks' or Katie Thornton's." Lucas added. "Trust me, I know my Scoreland knowledge.

Davey Stone: (Sings) You all need to deal with pain, well "Cheers" is what I say.

GNC Guy: (Sings) This is stuff that numbs the pain, it don't make it go away.

See's Candies Box: (Sings) You try to act so tough.

Foot Locker Man: (Sings) But you just live a lie.

Victoria's Secret Dress: (Sings) Why don't you show your feminine side and have yourself a cry?

"Nah, I don't feel like being a woman tonight." Sean shook his head before saying. "Is it just me, or am I starting to feel much more sad than this song is making me?"

"I'm gonna have a bad feeling we'll get to that part soon enough." Lucas said, fearing the worst.

Davey Stone: (Sings) You labels and logos are wasting your time making me sit here. Cause nothing you can say or do will make me shed a tear.

Panda Express Panda: (Sings) He possesses a strong spirit and won't let down his guard.

Foot Locker Man: (Sings) So now we'll bring in the big gun – his beautiful Hanukkah card!

"Sooooo, you're gonna beat Davey up with his own Hanukkah card?" Lucas raised his eyebrow. "That hardly ever does any damage if you count a papercut. Those sting your precious—"

Lucas then suddenly gets cut off by the sound of Sean sniffling and sobbing very slowly.

"Um, you okay, Sean?" Lucas asked his friend.

"No, I'm not…" Sean shook his head. "It's… it's right here!"

(Davey then sees a Hanukkah card fly down on top of the mall. It turns out to be the same Hanukkah card that Davey had owned which says, "To Out Son, Davey". The card immediately opens up and it reveals a picture of Davey's late mom and dad)

Davey's Dad: (Sings) Happy Hanukkah to our wonderful son.

Davey's Mom (Voiced by Ann Wilson from Heart): (Sings) You fill our lives with joy.

Davey's Dad and Mom: (Sings) Don't ever change the way you are, you beautiful twelve year old boy.

(The song finally ends with Davey falling down on his knees, crying from what now occurred to him)

Sean immediately watches this scene occur and starts crying his eyes out from how sad the tune got for him to take.

"Damn it, movie. Damn it! Look what you made me do! Because of your song, you made me cry. You made me feel sorry for this guy who's the biggest asshole of the world. From the death of Littlefoot's mother in The Land Before Time to the ending of the 1979 remake of The Champ that made me cry, this one is added to the list. Thanks a lot, movie. Thanks." Sean said, grabbing a tissue and blows his nose. "I'm sorry. I have to step out for a bit and compose myself. Excuse me for a moment."

Sean gets up from off of the couch and walks out of the living room so he can stop crying.

Sean: (Narrating) So after Davey cries, this sad moment is cut short when the police arrive to arrest Davey.

Davey Stone: I'm sorry.

Policeman #1: Save your sorries for the judge.

(The policemen get Davey up to arrest him. Davey quickly jumps around, grabs the second policeman and handcuffs his hands to the first policeman, putting him in a position where his crotch is on the second policeman's ass and Davey runs off)

Policeman #1: Ohh, this is embarrassing.

"Oh, god. Okay, I would rather see either Cali Carter, Kali Roses, Jessa Rhodes or Cherie DeVille in a position like that. Not these two morons." Sean pointed out.

Sean: (Narrating) While Davey is on the run from the police like Batman in Mask of the Phantasm, we cut to the banquet where Jennifer notices a husband holding the door for his family, wishing that she had a man by her side.

Benjamin: (To Jennifer) Don't be sad, mom. I can be your date.

Homeless Man: You should let me be your date. I may be dirty and smelly, but in the dark, I'm just smelly.

"Ewww!" Sean yelled out.

"Hey, Jennifer. You could be my date to the all-star banquet." Lucas said.

"Me too." Sean raised his hand as if he too was also talking to Jennifer. "I also like long walks on the beach, smooth R&B and pack some serious heat in my you-know-where."

"Mine's bigger than his!" Shouted Lucas as he pointed to Sean.

Jennifer Friedman: Well, thank you. *points to Benjamin* But he asked first.

"Damn, kid…" Lucas muttered in disgust.

(Scene then goes to Whitey and Eleanor, whose car is trying to fit into a parking space)

Eleanor Duvall: Oh my god, slow down. C'mon, I'm scared. Hey, why'd we stop now? What are you doing? Wha-what's going on? Who's out there? Do we need to call the police?

"IF YOU JUST SHUT YOUR FRICKIN' MOUTH, WHITEY WILL TELL YA, YA FREAKY-FOOTED GOBLIN!" Sean screamed to the camera.

"Great, now I don't even know who's more irritating: Whitey or Eleanor." Shook Lucas' head.

Sean: (Narrating) As they arrive at the banquet, the two of them are approached by a man named Eli Wolstan, voiced by Jamie Alcroft.

"Jamie Alcroft. Why does that name sound so familiar… OH, MY GOD! THAT'S THE VOICE OF VICTOR HOFFMAN FROM THE GEARS OF WAR SERIES!" Sean said. "Really, Sandler? You had to drag Victor Hoffman into your piece of shit animated movie? Have you no shame."

Lucas: (Narrating) Turns out that Eli Wolstan was the guy who stole Eleanor's wig when he was young. So, he hands it over to her after he tells her that he felt bad for feeling so thoughtless. So, she does this to him.

(Eleanor high kicks Eli right in the face, knocking him down and giving him a black eye)

Whitey Duvall: Feel better?

Eleanor Duvall: One more thing.

(Eleanor puts Eli's hand down on his crotch and puts on her old wig, tossing the new one on the Chinese Waiter's head)

Eleanor Duvall: Now I feel better.

Chinese Waiter: (While sporting Eleanor's new wig) At least this one make me look pretty.

"Alright, is it just me or does the Chinese Waiter like to dress up as a drag queen?" Sean asked.

"God, this dude is going to be one ugly lady." Lucas said.

"Yeah, there's only one ugly woman here in this world, and she's played by Jamie Foxx on In Living Color. Hell, I would rather watch that show rather than sit here and torture myself from watching it." Sean said.

Lucas: (Narrating) So while everyone's at the banquet and such, Davey Stone decides to hitch town right away by getting a bus, thanks to old snappy bus driver.

Old Bus Driver: *to Davey* Goin' to the Big Apple, son?

Davey Stone: Yeah.

Old Bus Driver: Business or pleasure?

Davey Stone: Uh, freedom.

Old Bus Driver: Oh, I see, you're one of those hippy-dippy fellas.

"Did we forget to mention to you that he's also a menace to society and a sex hound to cars too?" Lucas asked the bus driver.

"If he asked me that question, I'd choose pleasure all the way." Sean added. "But never I would want to hump a car myself."

Sean: (Narrating) So while Davey's trying to get the hell out of dodge, Mayor Stuey Duhy starts off the banquet like he would usually do. Being the most unfunniest piece of crap there ever is. Here's why.

Mayor Stuey Duhy: Now, everyone knows I like to start these events with a joke. However, I've been so darned busy at the hardware store this year, I haven't had much time to come up with a great one. But I did think of this at the drive over. Knock knock.

Guests: Who's there?

Mayor Stuey Duhy: Dontcha.

Guests: Dontcha who?

Mayor Stuey Duhy: Dontcha wish I haven't been so darned busy at the hardware store this year, and had more time to come up with a great one?

Sean and Lucas started to look very unimpressed by that joke so much, that all they heard was the sound of crickets of the background.

(A clip from Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker is shown

The Joker (Voiced by Mark Hamill): That's not funny. That's not….

(The Joker collapses to the floor and dies)

"To quote the Nostalgia Critic when he reviewed Super Mario Bros.: "Not Funny + Not Funny = NOT FUCKING FUNNY!" I mean, my god. Do these people think that this joke is funny?" Sean asked.

(We cut back to the film, where we see that the Mayor's joke sends off a trigger of laughs, maybe just too much. Whitey climbs on the table in a fit of small laughter, while the coach from the flashback dances in the aisle. The kids at Whitey and Eleanor's table are laughing so hard snot comes out of their noses, but they're laughing at Eleanor's dancing. Next, we see the deer laughing so hard, poop flies out of their butts like machine guns firing)

"Alright, come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here." Sean said as he proceeds to grab the camera and starts punching it in a fit of rage. "IT'S NOT FUNNY! IT'S NOT FUNNY! IT'S NOT FUNNY! IT'S NOT FUNNY! IT'S NOT FUNNY! IT'S NOT FUNNY! Gross-out humor is not funny, you sick fuck!"

Benjamin: (Confused) Mom, I didn't get that one.

Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Davey is on a bus and is about to make a clean getaway from the town, until….

(A popping noise is heard as all of the bus tires go flat)

We cut back to Sean and Lucas as we see Sean holding a Dragunov SVD sniper rifle with a silencer attached to it.

"Damn! Missed him! Hold on, maybe I can get him so he won't get away. Maybe I'll hit him in the head." Sean said.

Davey Stone: Nice driving skills, pal.

Lucas: (Narrating) Yeah, well it turns out the bus came to a halt due to a thumbtack, I'm not serious, something so tiny like a freaky-deeky thumbtack stopped something that weighed more than 1,200 pounds. However, the big menorah around the frozen pond soon lights up, turning out to be the sign Davey needed in order to go back and fix everything right.

Davey Stone: Ok, I see what you're doing…

Old Bus Driver: *to Davey* Who are you talking to there? Having one of them hippy-dippy mushroom flashbacks?

"Yeah, he wants to go smoke pot." Lucas nodded sarcastically before saying. "Of course not, he wants to apologize to the old fart. What frickin' else?!"

Sean: (Narrating) So our favorite little D-bag goes right to the community center to mend ways with Whitey, but however, the deer he runs into ain't having any of it.

Davey Stone: Just here to say "I'm sorry" to the little guy, fellas. I swear.

(The deer don't look too amused as they soon approach him)

Davey Stone: If I give myself a wedgie, will you believe me then?

(The deer immediately nods in approval. Davey then reaches for his underwear and tries to reach it over his head, but fails as his underwear breaks through the elastic, knocking him down)

"Damn, that's gotta be very long frickin' underwear he's wearing under there." Sean gulped in amazement.

"I tried doing that one to myself, but I ended up hurting my crack in the process." Lucas groaned.

Lucas: (Narrating) Despite having his underwear broken, he wins the trust of the fellow deer who decide to cover for him just in time for the cops to flash their light toward the deer doing a pyramid.

Cop 1: You see something?

Cop 2: Just some deer doing a pyramid.

Cop 1: Okay, well let's keep looking.

(The deer are unable to maintain their balance as they fall down onto the snow)

"Okay, even though I found it disgusting of them to lick poop and ice off an old man in the middle of the movie, I gotta admit that was impressive." Sean nodded to Lucas.

Lucas shook his head with a cringe and said. "Please don't remind me of that part about the ice-licking scene. Everything I think about it, my stomach starts churning."

Sean: (Narrating) After that little cover-up, it's all time for the moment of truth as we now find out who wins the "Dukesberry All-Star" patch award.

Mayor Stuey Duhy: Handpicked by you, the people of our fine town, I now present the 35th annual Dukesberry All-Star patch away to…

(The drumroll starts to begin in the background forcing both Lucas and Sean to imitate the drumroll going on)

"Oh boy, who's gonna win?" Lucas asked Sean again.

"Hopefully Whitey if he can manage to shut the hell up and not brag about that victory to us." Groaned Sean as he rolled his eyes.

(After the drumroll ends, Mayor Stuey Duhy finally announces the winner's name)

Mayor Stuey Duhy: Tom Balthezor! Tom, come up here and get this sucker.

Lucas and Sean immediately go silent hearing this with their mouths agape.

The silence immediately goes on for a good 15 seconds before Lucas utters out in shock. "That guy? It was… that guy who won?"

"I don't have no frickin' clue who that guy even is!" Sean shouted out.

Lucas: (Narrating) Unfortunately, Whitey doesn't win the patch. Some unknown assbag named Tom Balthezor wins the patch instead. Tom of course is voiced by another Saturday Night Live alumnist, Jon Lovitz. Chances are if you grew up in the 1990's, he was also best known for voicing Jay Sherman in the cult 90's cartoon The Critic, which ran for three seasons and lasted around 33 episodes. 23 of course were aired on both ABC and Fox while the other 10 were made exclusively for the websites AtomFilms and Shockwave. Can't believe I missed so much from this show.

Sean: (Narrating) Feeling sad and defeated, Whitey ends up leaving the ceremony, which looking at it now, I kinda feel sad for him because he waited 35 years to win this son of a bitch. While he leaves though, Eleanor decided to give some parting words of her own.

Eleanor Duvall: *shouts to everyone* All you people can bite my germ-free booty!

"Ugh, no thanks! I rather bite Alexis Texas' booty instead." Sean shook his head to the camera.

"No offense Eleanor, but yours is off limits!" Lucas pointed to the camera too as if he was talking to Eleanor.

Lucas: (Narrating) As soon Whitey leaves, lamebag Tom starts making his little victory speech. I wonder what he's got on his mind that I don't want to hear?

Tom Balthezor (Voiced by Jon Lovitz): When I was a kid playing youth league ball for Palmer Episcopal, I dreamed of two things: Learning how to make a lay-up with my left hand and becoming a multi-billionaire. I think you all know which dream came true.

(Tom pulls out a hook from his right arm, therefore scaring and surprising both Lucas and Sean out of their seats)

"Oh my balls!" Sean shrieked a bit.

"What the hell happened to his hand?" Lucas asked Sean yet again.

"I don't know." Sean shnrugged before saying. "I said that because I think I accidentally sat on my sack!"

Lucas: (Narrating) Well, knowing that I don't want to see Tom talk any further, I'm skipping to the part where Davey finally steps in and speaks out in front of Tom's little victory party.

Davey Stone: Excuse me, can I just say something?

(The cops enter the community center)

Policeman #1: There he is.

Mayor Stuey Duhy: *to Davey* Stone, what are you doing here?

Policeman #1: *to the Mayor* Getting himself arrested, Mayor Duhy, because he broke into the mall!

Chinese Waiter: I love it! *to Davey* Now you go to jail and marry big smelly man!

"Oh no, Davey's gonna get his soap dropped now, ain't he?" Lucas gulped nervously.

"I'm praying to the big man above he get his hole stitched shut before he goes to prison." Sean said, making a "Hail Mary" hand signal.

Sean: (Narrating) Luckily for Davey, he doesn't get the chance to go to prison just yet because our favorite hot MILF Jennifer manages to save Davey's butt and urges everyone to let Davey speak out.

Jennifer Friedman: Let the guy talk! After all, it is the holidays.

Miss Selman: She's right. And then we'll send him up the river.

(A shot of an old cowboy is seen celebrating by shooting his gun blanks)

"Hey, beanbag. You got the wrong set." Lucas said to the cowboy.

"Yeah, they're doing Red Dead Redemption II auditions next door." Sean replied to the cowboy too. "I hear they're holding roles for the first cowboy who dies in that game.

(Scene switches to Davey talking to the rest of the attendees)

Davey Stone: *to everybody* I know you people don't like me, and I know you don't care about my opinion, but here goes. *to Tom* Tommy, nothing personal, but Whitey Duvall should've won the patch and you people are crazy for not realizing that.

Tom Balthezor: *to Davey* Why would we give Whitey Duvall the patch tonight? So he can use it as a blanket?

"Oh screw you, Tom. That wasn't even frickin' funny!" Lucas snapped angrily at Tom before saying. "Whitey just lost the patch and you had the courtesy to make that insulting not-funny joke in front of Davey's face. Disgusting!"

"I agree with Lucas right here." Sean nodded to his friend before looking at the camera. "Sure I may not like Whitey because his voice was annoying like a gnat buzzing through a blowing airhorn, but at least he was dedicated to what he wanted to achieve what he couldn't get. By the way, Tom, how would YOU feel if everyone made fun of that stupid-ass hook in your hand? You wouldn't be laughing if The Rock did THIS to you, huh? Not also would he rip that hook off your hand, but let The Rock tell you what he plans to do with you next."

(A clip of WWE Monday Night Raw from August 9, 1999 is shown of The Rock talking to Chris Jericho, but Chris' face is replaced with Tom Balthezor's head instead)

The Rock: *to Tom/Chris* Well, The Rock has a plan of his own, and it's called the K-Y Jelly plan. Which… which means The Rock is gonna lube his size 13 boot real good. Turn that sumbitch sideways, and STICK IT STRAIGHT UP YOUR CANDY ASS!

Sean: (Narrating) But before they could arrest Davey, he has to you guessed it, sing about it.

(The song Bum Biddy starts)

Davey Stone: (Sings) Everyone in this room has been associated with Whitey, that through basketball or the mall or various odd jobs he does around town for free or a most a dollar!

"Oh, great. We get another song. I hope that this is the last song in the movie. I've had enough songs." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) And you know what else is funny? The whole town starts singing about how great Whitey is.

Chinese Waiter: (Sings) How could you be all so mean to Whitey? Seems to me you are all on crack.

"I think this whole town is on crack." Sean said, rubbing his temples.

Jennifer Friedman: (Sings) Tonight Whitey was counting on this town. To show him that we car-are. But the first time he really needed us. We weren't there!

Benjamin: (Sings) And on Christmas eve and the last night of Chanukah!

Davey Stone: (Sings) It's just not fair!

(Policeman #2 starts dancing in the aisles)

Policeman #2: (Sings) Bum biddy biddy biddy bum bum, Bum biddy biddy biddy bum.

(The Chinese Waiter joins him)

Chinese Waiter: (Sings) Bum biddy biddy biddy bum bum. Bum biddy biddy biddy bum.

"Uh, they did they run out of ideas for lyrics. Real creative, guys. Real creative." Sean said sarcastically.

Davey Stone: *sings to Tom* I wonder if that guy ever wiped his ass with the wrong haaaaaaand…?

Tom Balthezor: *looks at his hook* Yes…

"Ew, we also didn't need to know that, Tom!" Sean groaned, looking a little grossed out by Tom's confession.

Lucas then shuddered as he said. "It's so gross that even Captain Cold right beside me doesn't want to hear it either. What do you think, Cold?"

(A clip of Injustice 2 is playing showing Captain Cold looking very disgusted)

Captain Cold: Ugggh! TMI.

Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Whitey is depressed about not winning the patch award, so he goes to the mall to make himself feel better until Davey and the whole town arrives to meet up with him.

Whitey Duvall: What do you want, Stone?

Davey Stone: I came to apologize, Whitey.

Whitey Duvall: Well, there's nothing to apologize for, Stone, because you were right. Nobody does care about me.

Davey Stone: I don't think that's true. Do you, Mr. Mayor?

Mayor Stuey Duhy: Whitey, tonight for the first time in years, your partner, Davey Stone, actually did a good thing for this community.

Eleanor Duvall: What he do, steal beer for everyone?

"Well, yeah. Davey stole a beer for me and Lucas and we're gonna get drunk so we won't hear your annoying voices ever again." Sean said. "Lady, I think Penn Jillette has something to say to you. Penn, take it over."

(A clip from Penn & Teller: Bullshit! is shown)

Penn Jillette: You need to shut the fuck up!

Lucas: (Narrating) Everybody arrives and the whole town starts singing and Whitey is awarded the patch award and the townspeople start throwing down their patches at him.

Whitey Duvall: You stepped up for me, Stone. I don't know if I could ever repay you.

Davey Stone: Well, you can help me with my dream.

Whitey Duvall: You got a dream? What is it?

Davey Stone: To have someone wish me a happy Chanukah and feel as good as I used to when my dad would say it to me.

Whitey Duvall: Happy Chanukah, Stone.

Davey Stone: Merry Christmas, Whitey.

(Whitey and Davey hug)

Townspeople: Awww…

"Ohhhh, shut up!" Sean shouted to the people before muttering. "Thank goodness we're almost to the end of the damn movie…"

"I know, I wanna go to the strip club down the street later on." Lucas nodded before sipping on more eggnog.

Whitey Duvall: You know Stone, if my imaginary wife and I ever have a son, I hope to consider him a brother.

Davey Stone: Thanks, Whitey. And I'll pretend I never heard you say that.

Whitey Duvall: Appreciate it.

Townspeople: (Sings) It's your moment, Whitey. Enjoy, our tiny friend. Like the Bavarian cream-filled donut you ate last week…

"AGGGGGH! WHEN IN THE HECK IS THE SINGING EVER GONNA FRICKIN' STOP?!" Sean said, rubbing his temples in a much more violent manner.

Eleanor Duvall: *to Davey and Jennifer* Would you three show Whitey and I how to light the Hanukkah candles on our house tonight?

Jennifer Friedman: *to Benjamin* You up for that, pal?

Eleanor Duvall: *to Davey and Jennifer again* And when Benjamin falls asleep, the both of you can play "Spin The Dreidel" for tongue kisses.

Davey Stone *looks at Jennifer* Sounds good to me.

"No, no, no. Me and Sean gets dibs first. You just wait your turn." Lucas said to Davey.

"Once we get done tapping that hot MILF ass, you can have her all you want!" Sean said to Davey also.

Whitey Duvall: *finishes singing* I never want this to eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeend…!

"WELL, I FRICKIN' DO!" Sean shouted in anger.

Lucas then patted Sean on the back and said. "Settle down, my friend. We need to know how Whitey feels after he got his patch. Whitey, how are you feeling?"

Whitey Duvall: This is the happiest seizure of my life!

"Well, Halle-Frickin'-Lujah, because this movie is finally frickin' over!" Sean shouted, rolling his eyes loudly.

"Yep, everyone got their happy ending and now I'm all out of eggnog." Lucas smirked. "Sean, how did it feel now that you watched this atrocity?"

"Oh, my god. This was torture! But you know what, I did it. I sat through this atrocity. And you know what baffles me the most? That this film had four writers. It took four writers to write the screenplay for this movie." Sean said.

(Clips from the film are shown)

Sean: (Narrating) Not only that, but this is one of the worst holiday movies I've ever seen in my life. And I've seen worse. (Coughs) Christmas With the Kranks! (Coughs once more) I cannot comprehend at how unfunny this film is, not to mention Sandler's voice acting is the worse. But don't worry, at least there's Hotel Transylvania. How many Jewish people were offended from watching this movie? Can you imagine Adam Sandler doing a Kwanzaa movie, that would be offensive. But the only good point about this movie is the animation. As much as I bitch about this film, the animation is surprisingly good.

Lucas: (Narrating) And despite Whitey pretty much having our ears bleed from his singing, I wouldn't be lying if the soundtrack was kinda impressive itself. I mean, Alison Krauss as Jennifer's singing voice was worth tolerating, the songs of course surprisingly mesh well, but to be honest, Adam Sandler should not have to sing. Well, except on one occasion where a new version of The Chanukah Song is playing on the end credits, but even with all that singing, Whitey's friggin' seizures, crap-eating deer and whatnot, it wasn't enough to even save this film. If you're an Adam Sandler fan and you enjoy the most ungodly unfunny humor like this coming from him, then this movie may be worth it for you as a guilty pleasure. But for Sean here, he lost a lot of pounds thanks to those damn deer. And this image of this Doritos bag filled with nothing more than egg-nog induced vomit best describes how this movie feels.

Sean: (Narrating) My god, I do not want to go through that kind of horror again. That's why Eight Crazy Nights is getting 2 dreidels out of 5. Screw this movie.

"Thanks for joining me for this review, Lucas. I know that a lot of people had to deal with the pain I'm going through from watching this movie." Sean said.

"No problem." Lucas nodded before telling Sean. "I'm never seeing poop-eating deer AGAIN."

"Amen to that." Sean nodded as he said to the camera. "Until next time, I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, and good frickin' riddance. Wanna hit the strip club?"

"Hell yeah, my friend!" Lucas spoke, high-fiving Sean while they both left out of the house to go to the strip club down the street.

Mayhem Critic Tagline- Technical foul!

And that was it for The Mayhem Critic's review of Eight Crazy Nights. Shout-out and a big special thanks to UltimateWarriorFan4Ever for co-reviewing this story. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, there are three Christmas movies that I'm trying to pick out. Which one should I review? Here are the two movies.

Rudolph & Frosty's Christmas in July: A crossover movie between two of our favorite Christmas characters… with a stupid plot and some crazy storyline. Will Sean be able to get through Rankin/Bass' Christmas movie that was made for television?

Santa's Slay: A hilarious horror-comedy about a demonic Santa wrecking havoc during Christmas. And Santa is played by Goldberg from WWE! Add James Caan and Robert Culp in the movie and you got yourself the greatest Christmas movie ever!

Scrooged: Sean reviews Richard Donner's hilarious modern take of Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol starring Bill Murray.

Which one should I review next? Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Everybody, have a safe and a Merry Christmas! Till next time, my fellow readers.