The Mayhem Critic
Hello, my fellow readers. It is I the great James Stryker and welcome back to another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. I hope you all had a great Christmas, I know I sure had an awesome Christmas. I went to see the movie Aquaman yesterday. Anyway, today Sean the Mayhem Critic finishes up December with a Christmas movie by taking a look at the 1988 Christmas comedy Scrooged to see how well this movie holds up in 30 years. So here it is, the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Sit back, relax and enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All material belongs to their respective sources. Scrooged is owned by Paramount Pictures.
Episode Forty-Five
Scrooged
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said to the camera in his usual cheery, energetic self. "Well, Christmas is over. Santa has come and I haven't gotten the Christmas blues. I've waited 12 months, weeks upon weeks of hoping for the world's greatest gift, and what did I get? A new HP laptop with a touchscreen, the complete series of Batman: The Animated Series on Blu-Ray, the Predator film collection, a new Casio watch, the complete series of Murder, She Wrote, Battlefield V on the PlayStation 4 and Mega Man 11 for the Xbox One."
(A clip from The Batman/Superman Movie: World's Finest is shown)
Joker (Voiced by Mark Hamill): Look at all the toys! Santa's been good to you.
"Hey, I've been a really good boy this year. Anyway, let's talk about Charles Dickens' immortal classic A Christmas Carol." Sean said.
(The cover of the book is shown as well as clips from many film adaptations based on the book)
Sean: (Narrating) We all know the classic holiday tale about an old bitter miser named Ebenezer Scrooge, who gets visited by three ghosts to change the error of his ways. Over the years, there been countless adaptations based on the book. Film adaptations, of course. And I mean a lot of film adaptations. I have a few adaptations that are my favorites: like the 1984 version with the late George C. Scott, A Muppets Christmas Carol and the 2009 animated version directed by Robert Zemeckis and starring Jim Carrey.
"But my number one favorite adaptation of A Christmas Carol would have to be the 1988 comedy Scrooged." Sean said.
(The title for the movie "Scrooged" is shown as well as clips from the film while Annie Lennox and Al Green's rendition of Put a Love in Your Heart plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on November 23rd, 1988 and directed by Lethal Weapon director Richard Donner and starring comedy great Bill Murray. The film is a modern retelling of Dickens' A Christmas Carol. The movie was filmed on a $32 million budget over three months in Hollywood and Murray returned to acting after taking a 4-year hiatus following the release of Ghostbusters, still one of the best films from Bill Murray. Yeah, that's right! I said it. So, in Ghostbusters, you have Bill Murray busting ghosts along with Dan Aykroyd and Harold Ramis. In this one, you have three ghosts haunting Bill Murray.
"Now, does this film hold up in 30 years? Well, let's not try to get beaten up by Carol Kane. This is Scrooged." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Our film opens up with the movie flying past the Paramount Pictures logo until we arrive at the North Pole, where we see Santa and his elves working in his workshop working on some toys and getting ready for his big night until…
Santa Claus (Played by Al 'Red Dog' Weber): Incoming! Take cover!
(Somebody fires a rocket at Santa's workshop)
"Dude!" Sean said with a surprised look on his face.
(A bunch of armed gunmen fire at Santa's workshop with automatic weapons)
Mrs. Claus (Played by the late Jean Speegle Howard): Let's get them!
(The psychos continue to fire at Santa's workshop while Santa, Mrs. Claus and his elves grab some M16 machine guns)
"What the hell? What is going on here?" Sean asked.
(A man appears on a snowmobile, armed with a minigun, revealing himself to be Lee Majors)
Santa Claus: It's Lee Majors! The Six-Million Dollar man!
Lee Majors: Santa, is there a back way out of this place?
Santa Claus: Of course there is, Lee. But this is one Santa that's going out the front door.
"Okay, what just happened here? Did I just see some armed gunmen fire rockets at Santa's workshop and start shooting at them while Santa, his wife and his elves grab some machine guns while Lee Majors appears from out of nowhere and he armed with a minigun and starts blasting bad guys away like he's friggin' Jesse "The Body" Ventura from Predator." Sean said.
(A clip from Predator is shown)
Blaine (Played by Jesse Ventura): I ain't got time to bleed.
"What is this movie and when can I see it?" Sean asked.
Announcer: 7:00. Psychos seize Santa's workshop.
Lee Majors: Eat this.
Announcer: And only Lee Majors can stop them. The Night The Reindeer Died.
"The Night the Reindeer Died. That sounds like an awesome film, I don't care how cheesy this movie is but I'm watching it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) No, actually it turns out to be promos for fictional Christmas programming for IBC Television. We're introduced to the main character of film Frank Cross, played by Bill Murray. We see that Frank is the president of IBC and we also see that he's, well, an actual Scrooge here. Frank is sitting in his office with a bunch of other network executives to go over some promos for the network and they end up watching the Scrooge promo.
Announcer: 10:00, IBC presents live, via satellite, from New York, Bethlehem, Helsinki, West Berlin, and the Great Barrier Reef, Charles Dickens' immortal Christmas classic, Scrooge. Starring Buddy Hackett, Jamie Farr, the Solid Gold Dancers, and Mary Lou Retton as Tiny Tim.
"Mary Lou Retton as Tiny Tim? Where the hell did they get former American gymnast Mary Lou Retton as Tiny Tim? I get that she's a short stack of pancakes by why her?" Sean asked.
Announcer: Hosted by Sir John Houseman.
Sir John Houseman: Bah! Humbug!
"I guess that was before John Houseman died on October of 1988." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After watching that promo, Frank didn't care for it so he plays the second promo for Scrooge and… just watch.
Announcer: Acid rain. Drug addiction. International terrorism. Freeway killers. Now, more than ever…
Frank Cross (Played by Bill Murray): It is important to remember the true meaning of Christmas.
Announcer: Don't miss Charles Dickens' immortal classic, Scrooge. Your life might just depend on it.
(A mushroom cloud is shown after the title "Scrooge" explodes)
Frank Cross: Not bad, huh?
Sean almost chokes on his hot chocolate from watching the second promo for Scrooge. "Jesus Christ, dude. Are you trying to kill people with that promo?"
Sean: (Narrating) After showing that promo to the executives, one of the executives named Eliot Loudermilk, played by Bobcat Goldthwait, ends up disagreeing with Frank about the Scrooge promo.
Eliot Loudermilk (Played by Bobcat Goldthwait): You can't show that commercial. You run that, you're gonna… you're gonna frighten people.
Frank Cross: You think I'm way off base here?
Eliot Loudermilk: Yes. You're a tad off base, sir. That thing looked like the Manson Family Christmas special.
Frank Cross: Well, it's a little late to get this kind of feedback!
"Rule #1: Don't get him mad." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And because of him giving his honest opinion to him, Cross ends up firing the poor guy. Wait a minute, he ends up firing the guy just because he gave him his honest opinion about the promo? Geez, what a dick. We're also introduced to the female African-American version of Bob Cratchit named Grace Cooley, played by Emmy and Golden Globe winner Alfre Woodard from Netflix's Luke Cage, as she helps Frank out with a list of people to send out cheap IBC-monogrammed towels to some people and some are getting VHS players. One of the people on the list that are getting a towel is Frank's own brother James.
Grace Cooley (Played by Alfre Woodard): Your only brother.
Frank Cross: Oh, God. Grace, give it to me.
(Grace hands Frank the list)
Frank Cross: Get that! Towel, towel.
"Who in their right mind gives their own brother a towel? Shouldn't you give your brother a VHS player instead of a cheap towel, you ungrateful prick?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) But hey, Frank's baby brother isn't the only one getting screwed over by him, he ends up screwing over his secretary Grace by giving her a towel instead of a bonus.
Frank Cross: Towel and a face cloth.
Grace Cooley: Aw, shi…
(The door opens)
Sean chuckles a bit. "Okay, I just love how they just cut her off right when she's about to say a curse word in a PG-rated film, wait I mean a PG-13-rated film."
Sean: (Narrating) But Grace gets cut off when Frank's boss Preston Rhinelander, played by the late Robert Mitchum comes to see him about the program and I swear every time his eyes widen, I can make a meme out of that. It's just too hilarious. Plus, he has some of the most weirdest ideas involving animals.
Preston Rhinelander (Played by the late Robert Mitchum): I have a study here a study from Hempstead University which shows us cats and dogs are beginning to watch television. Now, if these scientists are right, we should start programming right now. Within 20 years, they could become steady viewers.
Frank Cross: Programming for cats?
"The last time I had my cat watching television, she tried to attack the TV right while we were watching Tom & Jerry after she saw Tom the cat and started hissing at him. Also, they have something for dogs, it's called Dog TV." Sean said. "Trust me, I know."
Sean: (Narrating) Preston wants to make sure that Frank oversees the production of Scrooge, and then this guy shows up after Preston leaves. Meet Brice Cummings, played by John Glover, a guy who annoys the hell out of Frank. He's from L.A. and he's here to provide assistance in the production. So, after he has a run-in with Brice, Grace is about to take her son to the doctor but Frank tells her that she's working late and we get one of my favorite lines from the film.
Frank Cross: Grace, when I work late, you work late.
Grace Cooley: But I made the appointment two months ago!
Frank Cross: I care! We're indivisible! If I'm working late, you got to work late! If you can't work late, I can't work late! If I can't work late, I can't work late!
"Man, I'm really starting to hate this guy." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) After that, Frank gets a visit from his brother James, played by Bill Murray's real-life brother John Murray and the two start talking about Frank's Christmas spirit.
James Cross (Played by John Murray): Frank, you don't like Christmas much, do you?
Frank Cross: Like it? I love it! It's cold and people stay home and watch television. Ad revenues go up 30%. All these idiots are going to watch the boob tube tonight. I am the biggest fan of Christmas ever had.
James Cross: Any chance you'll maybe make Christmas dinner this year?
Frank Cross: None.
James Cross: Come on. Why not?
Frank Cross: Don't start, James.
"Like I told you before. You were in that shitty movie Moving Violations with Jennifer Tilly, our brother Joel was in God Bless America with that cutie Tara Lynne Barr from that Hulu show Casual, our brother Brian was in Ghostbusters II and Groundhog Day. Hell, I was in Hamlet and got shot in the eye by Ethan Hawke, so you shut the fuck up." Sean said, imitating Frank Cross.
"Never liked that take on Hamlet, BTW." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, and before I forget, he steals a cab from an old lady.
Old Lady: (After Frank steals her cab) Oh, sir, please. I….
(Frank flips off the old lady)
Old Lady: You son of a bitch! You should burn in Hell.
Frank Cross: Bye-bye, grandma.
Old Lady: Oh, you!
"Haha. Stealing cabs from the elderly. That's funny." Sean laughed.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, we see our Scrooge winning the Humanitarian Award and leaving it in the cab. And while he's alone in his office and fixing himself something to drink, he gets a visit from somebody from the past.
(The door to Frank's office, revealing the zombified corpse of a man from Frank's past)
Lew Hayward (Played by the late John Forsythe): Whoo-wee! That was a good one. How are you kid? Will you, uh… Will you excuse me? I'll make myself a little drink.
(Frank starts shooting at the undead man)
Frank Cross: (While shooting at Lew) Bang-o, bang-o, bang-o! Boom-ba! Ba-bang, ba-bang! Blam!
"Dude, seriously? Haven't you ever watched any zombie movies lately. Just simply aim for the head. You don't start shooting wildly like the bad guys from Batman: The Animated Series. It just proves that you have terrible marksmanship like them." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Turns out this guy is the ghost of Frank's mentor Lew Hayward, played by John Forysthe. He's the Jacob Marley version of the film. And we all know what's going to happen.
Lew Hayward: Frank, you are in trouble. Big trouble.
"You're going to star in the film version of Charlie's Angels. Look at your future. You're going to be in two Garfield movies that the Nostalgia Critic is going to review. You're going to have a cameo in Paul Feig's Ghostbusters in 2016, your future is gonna suck." Sean said, imitating Lew Hayward.
Lew Hayward: If you don't change your ways, you're going to wind up doomed just as I am.
"Having Grant Show from Melrose Place playing Blake Carrington in the Dynasty reboot? Is that what doomed you?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Lew tells Frank that he's going to be visited by three ghosts and that the first ghost will visit him tomorrow at noon to help Frank avoid the same fate as him. Before Lew vanishes he dials up an old flame of Frank's named Claire Phillips. The next day, one of the network execs named Ted, played by Mary Ellen Trainor, shows Frank an article regarding the Scrooge promo, which killed an 80-year-old grandmother. And here's how Frank reacted.
Frank Cross: (After reading the article) This is terrific! I knew that ad worked. You can't buy publicity like this.
"Jesus, how mean-spirited could this movie get?" Sean asked. "This dude finds death amusing."
"He'll get his." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) So aside from his Scrooge promo literally scaring an elderly woman to death, we cut to Frank overseeing the production of Scrooge until the network censor, played by Kate McGregor-Stewart, has some problems with the program regarding the performer's outfit.
Lady Censor (Played by Kate McGregor-Stewart): I am the censor. I will not allow this costume on the air.
Frank Cross: Why not?
Lady Censor: Well, specifically you can see her nipples.
Frank Cross: I want to see her nipples!
Lady Censor: But this is a Christmas show!
Frank Cross: Well, Charles Dickens would have wanted to see her nipples then!
"Okay, who wants to see that chick's nipples? Raise your hand." Sean said as he raised his hand.
(We cut to Brian, Dave, Adam, Rob, Lucas and other Internet critics like Airunato from The Classic Critic, Decker Shado, The Unusual Suspect and FilmMasterAdam raising their hands in response)
"There, everybody wants to see her nipples. And you're the one to talk, lady. Because the shows we watch right now have the words "Asshole", "Shit" and "Fuck" unbleeped and we can show nudity on those shows. My, my. The times have changed." Sean said.
"He's right." Brian said.
Carpenter (Played by Jack McGee): You can… you can hardly see them nipples.
Frank Cross: See? And these guys are really looking! You can go shake a tail feather. Thanks. And thank you, you can just go. Oh, watch out.
(Frank ducks down as one of the carpenter's knock out the Lady Censor as the words "K.O" from Street Fighter IV pop up on the screen)
Street Fighter Announcer: K.O!
Frank Cross: Thanks, boys. Get the nurse.
"Well, somebody doesn't want his fun ruined." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After hearing somebody call him "Lumpy", Frank sees that it was his lost love from his past Claire Phillips, played by Marion Ravenwood herself Karen Allen. Claire has come to visit Frank and to talk to him after she gets his message.
Claire Phillips (Played by Karen Allen): You sounded like you'd seen a ghost.
Frank Cross: A ghost? You mean the phone call last night? I came across your number and I just had to call you immediately.
Claire Phillips: I know you, Lumpy. I know that voice. That was the frightened Lumpy I heard.
"That was the frightened Lumpy you heard? I believe the sound you heard was this." Sean pointed to his left.
(A clip from Raiders of the Lost Ark is shown as we see Marion nailing Indy in the chin with a double-sided mirror and Indy lets out a loud howl)
Mouse Wrangler (Played by Ralph Gervais): (On the mouse) I can't get the antlers glued onto this little guy. We've tried crazy glue but it don't work.
Frank Cross: Have you tried staples?
Mouse Wrangler: Staples?
Claire Phillips: Don't you dare.
Sean chuckles a bit. "That my initial reaction to someone liking Total Dramarama."
Disclaimer: I do not hate Total Dramarama. As much as I like the Total Drama series, I like watching this one as well. I mean, come on. The Total Drama characters as toddlers, it's freaking adorable. And now, back to your regularly scheduled programming.
Sean: (Narrating) So, right when Frank and Claire are busy talking, Frank spots a little intruder and tries to threaten him.
Frank Cross: (Grabs Calvin) How did you get in here? Well, maybe you'll answer some questions downtown. Huh, my friend.
Grace Cooley: What the hell is going on? This is my little boy.
Frank Cross: Alright, you beat him.
"Dude, what the fuck?" Sean asked. "Aside from finding the death of an elderly lady, this dude wants to hit this little boy. Boy, this movie is mean-spirited."
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, this is Grace's son Calvin, played by Nicholas Phillips, and we'll get to know more about him later on in the film. Claire and Frank continue to talk to each other and Claire tells Frank that she's not married and that she doesn't have ki…
(Somebody is hammering in the distance)
"Would you please hold the goddamn hammering? I'm trying to do a review here." Sean said, looking away from the camera.
Sean: (Narrating) Where was I? Claire doesn't have any kids or she's married, so yeah pretty much that these two are going to get together at the end…
(The hammering continues)
"Would you please hold the goddamn hammering?!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Before Claire leaves, she gives Frank her card at the homeless shelter where she works. And Frank gets a call from The Times, regarding the death of the….
(The hammering continues)
"Oh, for the love of… Would you please hold the motherfucking hammering!" Sean yelled to his right.
(One of the crew members stop hammering, causing the set to fall apart)
Lady Censor: Oh, shit!
(One of the set pieces fall on the Lady Censor)
"Oops. So, who's up for lunch? I'm starving. I'm about to head down to White Castle. I'll be right back." Sean said as he got up from off of the couch and heads out of the house.
Sean: (Narrating) After that disaster on set, Frank meets his boss Preston for lunch as he gives him an update on the production of Scrooge, but Preston sees the stress that Frank's been under so he hired Brice Cummings to work with Frank, which doesn't sit well for Frank.
Brice Cummings (Played by John Glover): My only function here is to take some of the burden off your shoulders. A lot of men in your position would see me as a threat. It's only natural. (His beeper goes off) That's me!
"I think I got a phone call from Joe Dante and Steven Spielberg to star in the Gremlins sequel. I need to take that call." Sean said, imitating Brice.
Sean: (Narrating) But then Frank remembers Lew's warning about him being visited by three ghosts and that the first ghost comes to visit him at noon. So, while Brice is busy talking, Frank just ends up freaking out. And when he gets his drink, he starts freaking out some more.
(Frank sees an eyeball in his drink)
Frank Cross: (Screams) Bob—Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!
(Preston, Brice and the headwaiter look at Frank)
Headwaiter (Played by the late Tony Steedman): I'm terribly sorry. I…
Frank Cross: Are you him? Are you him?
Headwaiter: Are you he?
(A clip from Rush Hour 3 is shown)
Master Yu (Played by Henry O): Yes, I am Yu.
Carter (Played by Chris Tucker): Just answer the damn questions, who are you?
Master Yu: I have told you.
Carter: Are you deaf?
Master Yu: No. You is blind.
Carter: I'm not blind, you blind.
Master Yu: That is what I just said.
Carter: You just said what?
Master Yu: I did not say "what", I said Yu.
Carter: That's what I'm asking you!
Master Yu: And Yu is answering.
Carter: Shut up! (Points at one of the students) You.
Master Yu: Yes?
Carter: Not you, him!
"Okay, I think this dude had enough to drink. Just take the drink away. He's seeing things." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But then Frank freaks out some more when he thinks he sees some guy on fire after lighting a baked Alaska, in which the guy is not. Frank keeps freaking out in front of Preston and Brice and decides to step out for air, but not before throwing water on the waiter who's not on fire.
Frank Cross: I'm sorry. You know, I thought you were Richard Pryor.
"Dude, you must be colorblind because this guy is white and Richard Pryor is black." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After his freakout at lunch, Frank steps outside and catches a cab and the cab driver goes all Crazy Taxi on his ass.
(Music from Crazy Taxi plays while the taxi driver starts driving)
Sean: (as Crazy Taxi Announcer) Hey, hey! Come on over, have some fun with Crazy Taxi. It's time to make some of that crazy money. Are ya ready? Here we go! You gotta get your Scrooge to his destination in under 5 crazy minutes. Make sure you do some reckless driving and destroy some property for extra points.
Frank Cross: Wrong way, jerk! Nice hit back there! Solid hit!
Sean: (as Crazy Taxi Announcer) Don't forget to drive the wrong way and scare the shit out of your passenger
"I cannot believe that I made a Crazy Taxi parody in 2018." Sean started laughing.
Sean: (Narrating) Turns out that this crazy taxi driver happens to be the first ghost visiting Frank. The Ghost of Christmas Past, he's played by David Johansen. He takes Frank to the past and to his childhood home.
Frank Cross: This is where I grew up. I thought they tore this place down.
Ghost of Christmas Past (Played by David Johansen): They did.
Frank Cross: Guess my dad hasn't put up our Christmas lights yet.
"Guess his family doesn't like Christmas. Or the fact that his dad doesn't want to end up like Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor from Home Improvement." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Frank and the Ghost of Christmas Past step inside Frank's childhood home, where we see Frank as a kid, who's found solace in television. We also get an insight on his family life and we see that his father Earl, played by Brian Doyle-Murray.
"Geez, how many of his brothers is Bill Murray going to put in his movies?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) A young Frank gets a gift from his father and no it's not a choo-choo train. He gives his son 5 pounds of veal.
Frank as Child (Played by Ryan Todd): But, Daddy, I asked Santa for a choo-choo.
Earl Cross (Played by Brian Doyle-Murray) Well, then go get a job and buy a choo-choo.
Doris Cross (Played by Lisa Mende): Oh, Earl. He's only 4 years old.
Earl Cross: All day long, I listen to people give excuses why they can't work. "My back hurts." My legs ache." "I'm only 4." Soon he learns that life isn't given to you on a silver platter the better!
"Never had veal before, no clue what it is either." Brian said.
"It's baby cow." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So after Frank sees his mother, he's starts crying and… My god. That dude wins the award for ugliest cry ever. He just beat James Van Der Beek. Frank then tells the Ghost of Christmas Past that he's done other things besides watching television like playing baseball. Once, he hit the home run that won the big game.
Ghost of Christmas Past: That was the kid on The Courtship of Eddie's Father.
Frank Cross: There was another time, though, that I was running down a hillside that was covered with flowers and there was this beautiful girl, like 15, with pigtails. And she was waiting for me….
Ghost of Christmas Past: You are so pathetic! You are so pathetic! That was the Little House On the Prairie.
Frank Cross: Was it the homecoming episode of Little House On the Prairie?
Ghost of Christmas Past: Yes, it was the homecoming episode of Little House.
"There was this one time that I ended up in the school play and I start dating this cute blonde and I stole her from her idiot boyfriend who gets straight C's." Sean said, imitating Frank.
"That was American Housewife." Brian said, imitating the Ghost of Christmas Past.
"Okay, there was this one time that I was torn between two girls…" Sean said.
"That was Girl Meets World. You are so pathetic!" Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) After the Ghost of Christmas Past takes him to his childhood home, they travel to 1968, where there's a Christmas party being held at Frank's office. Well, this was before Frank took over and this was when Lew Hayward was in charge. Frank was only working in the mailroom and boy, look at his hair. I never thought to have imagine to see this. Bill Murray with a perm. After that, we see how Frank and Claire first met.
(Claire accidentally hits Frank in the face with a door)
"Ouch. First, she hits Indiana Jones in the chin with a mirror. Now, she knocks out Bill Murray in the face with a door." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Frank meets Claire for the first time and she gives him the nickname "Lumpy" after she hits him in the head with a door. We see that their relationship progresses, which leads to the two of them exchanging gifts like Frank giving her a set of knives and Claire giving Frank a book about the Kama Sutra. Yeah, like he needs it. Frank and the Ghost of Christmas Past travel to 1971, where we get his most annoying highlight of his life.
(We see that Frank is performing as Frisbee the Dog)
"Oh, man. And I thought that Space Jam, The Man Who Knew Too Little, Larger Than Life and Osmosis Jones were the most embarrassing career choices in his life." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) No, this was the day that Frank and Claire's relationship ended because Frank chose his television career over her.
Frank Cross: Maybe if you could put my needs and the needs of The Frisbee Show ahead of your own needs. I mean, I have been fighting for the integrity of this show. This is the opportunity of a lifetime.
Claire Phillips: I'm sorry. I guess I didn't realize how important it is to you.
Frank Cross: Well, I'm willing to forgive you once in a while. I am.
Claire Phillips: Frank, look. Maybe we should separate for a while.
"Ouch. I would just like to ask, was it worth it? You had to choose Frisbee the Dog over Claire. What did she see in this guy anyway? She's better off with Indiana Jones." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After seeing that he lost the love of his life, the Ghost of Christmas Past vanishes, sending Frank back into reality and we get another one of my favorite lines from the film.
Frank Cross: Well, I am happy with the path that I chosen, you little bitch! In fact, I couldn't be happier!
Buddy Hackett: What are you? Crazy?
Frank Cross: Yeah, Buddy, I'm crazy! Crazy like a fox!
"Yeah. I just love that line." Sean said with a big grin on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) Frank starts talking to himself like a crazy person and he heads down to the homeless shelter to talk to Claire hoping to make amends with her until three people who live in the homeless shelter Herman, played by Michael J. Pollard, Billy played by the late Logan Ramsey and Eva played by his wife the late Anne Ramsey who passed away before the film was released. The three of them see Frank and mistake him for Richard Burton.
Frank Cross: Why do you keep calling me Dick?
Herman (Played by Michael J. Pollard): I'm sorry, Mr. Burton. Maybe we don't know you well enough to call you Dick., but after Exorcist II and Night of the Iguana we thought we had something special. So please just do a couple of lines from Hamlet, please?
Billy (Played by the late Logan Ramsey): Or The Sandpiper?
Frank Cross: Leave me alone!
"Uh, why would these guys think he's Richard Burton? Richard Burton died on August 5th, 1984. He's not Richard Burton. Plus, Exorcist II was the worst movie for him to star in. It sucked. But don't take my word from it. I have a friend who can vouch for me about Exorcist II." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, Frank does his best Richard Burton impersonation by re-enacting a scene from Cleopatra to get them off of his back and he goes to talk to Claire to make amends with her until he starts acting like an asshole to some of the workers at the homeless shelter. And then he gives Claire some advice.
Frank Cross: I'm gonna give you some advice, Claire: scrape them off. You want to save somebody? Save yourself.
Claire Phillips: Oh, well that's a wonderful attitude to have on Christmas Eve. Merry Christmas.
Frank Cross: Bah, humbug!
"Okay, she doesn't need to deal with this dude's crap. Marion, kill that son of a bitch." Sean said.
(A clip of Marion from Raiders of the Lost Ark shooting something off-screen intercuts with an image of Frank exploding)
"Ha! Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal!" Sean yelled to the camera.
"Oh, he'll die. Just wait." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back at the studio, we see that production is still going on with Scrooge and Buddy Hackett messing up his lines, Frank sees that Brice is taking care of production and calling the meal breaks around here. So he decides to have a little chat with him until Brice tells him that he's meeting Preston for a drink. While everybody's on their break, Frank is left on the set until he is visited by a goofy fairy.
Ghost of Christmas Present (Played by Carol Kane): Hi, Frank! Come on!
Sean: (Narrating) In the form of the Ghost of Christmas Present, played by Carol Kane. And my god, she's the best part of this film every time I watch it.
(The Ghost of Christmas Present kicks Frank in the balls, making Frank groan in pain)
Ghost of Christmas Present: (Grabs Frank by his tie) Hello, Frank. I'm the ghost of Christmas Present.
Frank Cross: I had a funny feeling. Ooooh… Why did you do that?
Ghost of Christmas Present: Sometimes you have to slap them in the face just to get their attention.
Frank Cross: Fine, slap me in the face. But you kicked me in the b…
(The Ghost of Christmas Present grabs Frank by his bottom lip)
Ghost of Christmas Present: Hush, Frank. It's time to begin our journey. And now close your eyes and think…
Frank Cross: No! You close your eyes! I'm through…
Ghost of Christmas Present: (Grabs Frank by his ear) Close them! Close your eyes…
"Boy, she's a bit psychotic, don't you think?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) The Ghost of Christmas Present punches him to his first location, which is his assistant Grace's apartment and she shows Frank her struggles to support her family. We get a little insight on Grace's youngest son Calvin, who's the Tiny Tim version of the film. Instead of him being ill, he's a mute in this one. And why is he mute, you might ask. Well, he saw his father killed five years ago. Poor kid, I feel bad for him.
Frank Cross: Well, is he going to be ok?
Ghost of Christmas Present: It's his choice. Only he can break the spell.
"Ooookay. So far, for our ghosts, we have a crazy cabbie and a fairy." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Aside from the bad times in their life, there are some good times for the Cooley family and that involves tickling the older brother. Oh, and the Ghost of Christmas Present gets violent with Frank.
(We get more of the Ghost of Christmas Present hitting Frank multiple times and punching him in his face, sending him to his next destination)
"Boy, this fairy is one crazy bitch." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) They arrive at Frank's brother's apartment where we see that James is throwing a Christmas party and we see that he invited his brother Joel Murray to the party.
"Okay. So we have Bill, Brian, John and Joel in the same movie together. What's next a movie with both Jeff and Beau Bridges in it. Oh, wait. That did happen. It was The Fabulous Baker Boys in 1989. Okay, it's like having Alec, Stephen, Billy and Daniel Baldwin in the same movie together." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Aside from Joel Murray being one of the guests at James' party, one of the movie's screenwriters Mitch Glazer appears as another one of the party guests. And we see that James is married to. (Sean begins to recognize the woman in the red shirt) Hmm, that woman with the long brown hair and the red shirt looks very familiar.
"Why does she look very familiar?" Sean asked.
(A clip from American Housewife is shown)
Kathryn (Played by Wendie Malick): No, if you're gonna change something, I would go with your lips.
Katie Otto (Played by Katy Mixon): Mom!
Kathryn: It's not my fault that she got my thin lips.
"Okay, that is Katie's mom playing James' wife in the movie." Sean pointed out.
Sean: (Narrating) I'm not kidding. That's Wendie Malick from Hot in Cleveland and American Housewife playing James' wife Wendie. Fun fact: she was married to the film's screenwriter Mitch Glazer at the time.
Wendie Cross (Played by Wendie Malick) James, you forgot to open your brother's present.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that James' Christmas party consists of trivia games and opening up a gift from his brother. A very special gift.
"Oh, boy. I bet it's two tickets for the premiere of Ghostbusters II. I bet James and Wendie are excited." Sean said in a sarcastic tone.
(We see the words "It's a VCR flashing in red and green colors on the screen after James opens his gift)
"A VCR. Really? He gave him a shower curtain last year. And he gives him a VCR. How generous of him." Sean said.
Frank Cross: I didn't get the gifts mixed up! My ex-secretary got the gifts mixed up.
Sean: (Narrating) And trivia games on old sitcoms. It's a little game that they've invented in a couple of years, it's called Scene It. And then he makes a toast to his brother Frank. And right when he's about to answer the Gilligan's Island question, the Ghost of Christmas Present and Frank beat each other up until this happens.
Ghost of Christmas Present: (Picks up a toaster) Oh, look. Frank. What is it? It's a toaster!
(She hits Frank in the face with a toaster, knocking him out and sending him back)
Frank Cross: That bitch hit me with a toaster.
"Oh, come on. You're gonna let her do that shit to you? You're a fucking Ghostbuster. Get your proton pack on and bust these assholes so they won't haunt you. Now that I think about it." Sean said before a clip from The Real Ghostbusters is shown.
(A clip from The Real Ghostbusters episode Xmas Marks the Spot is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) There was an episode in the first season of The Real Ghostbusters called Xmas Marks the Spot and the Ghostbusters get zapped back in time to 1837 England and they end up trapping the three ghosts that were visiting Ebenezer Scrooge and they end up saving him and they end up messing things up when they return to the present and everyone starts hating Christmas.
"Oh, man. I cannot believe that I started talking about a memorable episode from a show from my childhood that I still watch." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, the Ghost of Christmas Present sends Frank back and he ends up in a utility space under a sidewalk, only to find…
(He sees Herman, who's frozen to death)
(A clip from The Goonies is shown)
Chunk (Played by Jeff Cohen): It's a stiff!
Sean: (Narrating) Frank finds Herman and he sees that Herman has frozen to death, which upsets Frank.
Frank Cross: You moron! You jerk! Why didn't you stay with Claire? Why didn't you stay with Claire? She would've taken care of you. You would have eaten! You would have been warm! You might be alive! You'd be a prettier color, I'll tell you that!
"Wow, that got dark." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Frank desperately tries to escape and finds a door that's boarded, breaking through which leads him back on the set of the production of Scrooge.
(Frank breaks through the door and ends up back on the set. He ends up bumping into one of the performers, causing the barrel to roll straight into the bandaged-up lady censor)
Lady Censor: (Sees the barrel rolling towards her) Ohh… Shit!
"That's for telling us what we can or cannot see in our TV shows, ya bitch!" Sean yelled at the camera.
Sean: (Narrating) Brice sends Frank upstairs to his office to supervise things but before Frank heads to his office, he has a little run-in with the Ghost of Christmas Future!
(Frank sees the Ghost of Christmas Future standing in the elevator in front of him)
Frank: (Screams) Oh, God! Oh, God! Grace, go watch the show! He's here for me! Come on! Alright, come on! Give it to me! You think I'm afraid of you, the day I've had? I know what you came for. Come and get it, you pussy.
"Yeah, you shouldn't call the Ghost of Christmas Future a pussy. Because he's going to show you a terrible future." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) As production begins, Frank sits in his office and opens up his Christmas gift from his brother James, which is a picture frame that he made with a photo of the two of them as kids while he prepares for the final spirit to visit him.
(Eliot storms Frank's office with a shotgun)
Eliot Loudermilk: Honey, I'm home!
(Eliot fires the shotgun up at the ceiling)
"Aaah! The final spirit is armed with a shotgun and he's taken the form of Bobcat Goldthwait!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) No, that's not the final spirt about to make Frank repent, that's Eliot who's ready to give Frank a closed casket for Christmas. He's about to get his revenge on Frank for the loss of his job and his family. But hey, how can you take this guy seriously when he keeps yelling like a screeching banshee?
Eliot Loudermilk: Let me tell you a little bit about my day: I got fired, my wife left me, she took our little baby daughter with her.
(Eliot starts shooting once more)
Eliot Loudermilk: I can't recall much after that because ever since then, I've been blind, stinking drunk!
(Eliot fires his shotgun, destroying a computer)
Sean: (Narrating) But what makes this scene funny was when Bobcat starts singing Christmas songs while trying to kill Frank. But Frank gets a kiss from the angel of death as he escapes into the elevator, where he comes across the final spirit of the film, the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Frank Cross: Hey. Back off, big man. That may work with the chicks, but not with me.
"Oh good! More nightmares!" Brian said in an impression of Kevin McCaffrey.
Sean: (Narrating) And that's when things get dark from zero to sixty and this scene with the Ghost of Christmas Future gets pretty fucking dark. The Ghost takes Frank to the future, where he sees that Grace's son has become catatonic and he's been institutionalized, Claire became a total bitch and took Frank's words and shunned the homeless like Frank. And finally, the Ghost takes Frank where a cremation ceremony is being held.
"After seeing Bill Murray's performance as FDR in Hyde Park on Hudson and seeing him in Wild Things, yeah that's his filmography in a nutshell." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And when I say things get really dark, I really mean it because this part scares the crap out of me. Frank sees that his brother and his wife Wendie are at cremation ceremony, only to come to a shocking revelation about his life and finds himself in a coffin about to get incinerated like the Joker in the beginning of Batman: Arkham Knight.
Frank Cross: I'm in here! Oh, God! Don't let them do it! Don't let them! I'm in here! Aaah! Mom! Oh, God! I want to live! I want to live! Oh, God, I want to live! I want to live!
(Frank ends up back out of the elevator)
Frank Cross: I'm alive!
Singers: Hallelujah!
"It's a miracle!" Sean shouted at the camera in joy.
Sean: (Narrating) With his completely changed demeanor, Frank rehires Eliot and makes him his vice president in charge of programming and with Eliot's help, Frank returns to the production set while Eliot holds everybody in the control room hostage with a shotgun and Frank breaks the show's live broadcast with an important message.
Frank Cross: You know, it's not too late on Christmas Eve to have fun. You can call people that you haven't seen. Call a college roommate, you know an old army buddy, call your personal banker. Hey! I don't hear any partying in that booth, Eliot!
Eliot Loudermilk: Great!
(The shotgun goes off destroying the window in the control room)
"You idiot! You see? This is why you shouldn't give Bobcat Goldthwait a gun." Sean pointed out.
Sean: (Narrating) With Frank filled with the Christmas spirit, he apologizes to Grace on the air, Claire sees him on TV after he makes a passionate plea for her to come back and she heads to the IBC building with the help of the Ghost of Christmas Past. After that, Frank makes a memorable speech in which this happens.
Frank Cross: Did I forget something, big man?
Calvin Cooley (Played by Nicholas Phillips) God bless us everyone.
"It's another miracle! The kid starts talking again!" Sean shouted out.
Sean: (Narrating) Frank and Claire reunite and the film ends with the cast and crew singing Put a Little Love In Your Heart and Frank sees Lew, the three Ghosts and the ghost of Herman smile and wave back, and Bill Murray breaks the fourth wall. Which is a nice touch.
Frank Cross: (Breaking the fourth wall) Come on. Let's hear it from all you folks out there. Come on. You don't know the words? Come on. Come on, let's hear it from this side of the theater. Come on just over here. Alright, alright that's no good. Let's try the other side of the theater. Come on. All right. How about just the men? Come on. Just the men. All right, the real men. Ok. Let's hear the real men. All right. All right. The women. Ok. The women now this time. No, the real women. The real women. You know who you are. All right (Points) you
"Me? Are you talking to me? I was just reviewing the movie. Don't point at me." Sean said, pointing at the camera.
James Cross: My brother, the king of Christmas.
"And that was Scrooged and yes it's still one of those classic Christmas films to be watching. It's hilarious fun." Sean said.
(Clips from the film are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) Although this film can be mean-spirited at times and gotten mixed reviews, I still find it to be very enjoyable and one of the renditions of A Christmas Carol. There have been some problems on set like conflict between director Richard Donner and it's star Bill Murray. And poor Bill Murray, he didn't have the best of times while working on the film. Aside from his creative differences with Donner, Murray also suffered some physical mishaps while working on the movie like he reacted badly to the fake snow that was used on the set, which left him coughing up blood.
"Boy, can you imagine how Bill Murray felt when he got kicked in the nads by Carol Kane?" Sean asked.
(The scene where Frank gets kicked in the nuts plays again)
Music from the Kirin J Callinan song Big Enough plays as Sean puts on a cowboy hat and imitates the cowboy in sky that yells out "Ahhhhhh!".
Sean: (Narrating) But on the plus side, Murray described "being the meanest person in the world" as Frank Cross as fun and his performance was excellent. The acting and the comedy was well done, it could be lighthearted at times and sometimes dark. This movie is an immortal classic to watch during the holiday season and it's the perfect Christmas movie to watch if you want a good laugh. The movie was nominated for an Academy Award for Best Makeup and Hairstyling but it lost out to Beetlejuice. It's the best Christmas movie ever made, coming in at 4 Solid Gold Dancers out of 5.
"I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said, ending his review as he got up from off of the couch and left the living room.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Bah, humbug!
And that's all for The Mayhem Critic's review of the Christmas movie Scrooged. I hope that you liked this hilarious review. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, you know what I haven't done in a while? A Top 11 countdown. That's right, Sean the Mayhem Critic will be taking a look at the Top 11 Seinfeld Episodes. Then after that, which theme month should I do right after the Top 11 Seinfeld Episodes?
Sequelitis Month: Sean reviews some good and terrible sequels to films that he looked at and tries not to go insane. Here's the list of sequels for Sequelitis Month: RoboCop 2, RoboCop 3, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, All Dogs Go to Heaven 2 and Ghostbusters II.
Seagal Month: Sean takes a look at the films from the Lethal Weapon himself, Steven Seagal. Here's the list of Steven Seagal movies: Above the Law, Hard to Kill, Out for Justice and On Deadly Ground.
Childhood Month: Sean takes a look at some of the films from his childhood. Here are a list of films for Childhood Month: The Little Rascals, The Flintstones, Dennis the Menace, Ducktales The Movie: Treasure of the Lost Lamp.
Sports Month: Sean takes a looks at some sports films dedicated to sports films. Here's a list of films for Sports Month: Major League, The Sandlot, The Waterboy, Rocky IV.
Adam Sandler Month: Sean takes a looks at some of the films by Adam Sandler. Here's a list of films: Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, Anger Management and Grown Ups 2.
Feel free to pick which theme I should do next after the top 11 countdown. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Before I go, I am looking for someone who could co-write the Betty/Veronica/Archie chapter for Riverdale: Tales of Love. The chapter is Roommates Share Everything. If you're interested to assist me, feel free to PM me. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.