The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to The Mayhem Critic as Sequelitis Month continues. Last time on Sequelitis Month, Sean reviewed and survived RoboCop 3. Today, Sean and his friend Lucas are going to review the next film for Sequelitis Month. And that film is Mortal Kombat: Annihilation. Let's see the two of them give this film a killer fatality. Here's the new hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Sit back, relax and enjoy.
P.S.: As I mentioned before, I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Mortal Kombat: Annihilation is owned by New Line Cinema.
Sequelitis Month Part III: Mortal Kombat: Annihilation
(We get the "Sequelitis Month" intro, with the announcer saying "What time is it? It's sequel time!" and Sean saying "Yay" with a not-so excited tone and this time, Sean is making an annoyed look on his face.)
It was yet another wonderful evening as everyone's favorite residential critic, Sean J. Archer aka The Mayhem Critic, sat on his living room couch alongside his best friend, Lucas. Instead of being in a bad mood like last time though, he's back to his old cheery self as usual.
"Good evening, I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean spoke to the camera.
"And I'm his friend Lucas, because why not? I frickin' love being here all because I want to." Lucas smirked out to the camera as well.
Sean then smirked as he said. "And let me tell ya, I'm so psyched for Mortal Kombat 11 to come out soon enough. And just by looking at the eye-popping trailer, it looks so frickin' real, I can't even tell if it looks like a game or frickin' real life!"
"I'll tell ya, this may be the Mortal Kombat game to end all Mortal Kombat games." Lucas nodded over to Sean. "Like I said, anything Mortal Kombat-related, I will buy because Mortal Kombat is my life!"
Sean then nodded to his friend and replied. "Same here, broski. Because if you're fans are wondering why Lucas and I are co-reviewing again, well, let's go back to our first team-up together and see where this leads to."
(A montage of clips from the 1995 film adaptation of Mortal Kombat is shown alongside clips from their Mortal Kombat review)
Sean: (Narrating) You may recall me and my best friend Lucas reviewing the first Mortal Kombat movie, knowing we loved the film so much. I mean, even though critics thought less of the movie, it didn't do nothing to taint the reputation of being one of the most excellent video game-adapted movies done right. I mean, there were a lot of things fans expected to see from the film that made Mortal Kombat known for what it is: Intense fight scenes, a whole lot of blood and an excellent cast of actors that definitely made their characters just like the ones we see in the game.
Lucas: (Narrating) And not to mention the combined hotness of both Bridgette Wilson and Talisa Soto combined. Man, was it crazy. Yet despite the lack of gore in film, it's interesting appeal made it popular enough from the fans so much that a sequel for the second Mortal Kombat movie was planned right after it's moderate, yet successful box office success.
Lucas decided to smirk like a fanboy ever could and said. "Now the rest of you who grew up around that time were wondering to yourself, 'Oh, a second Mortal Kombat movie is coming out? Oh man, I wonder what it's gonna be like? A new cast of characters, an awesome story, that familiar soundtrack? Oh man, this is gonna be good!"
"Except… IT WASN'T!" Sean shouted angrily to the camera.
(A movie poster of Mortal Kombat: Annihilation is shown alongside a montage of clips from the movie.)
Sean: (Narrating) And the reason why I say that with total regret is because the movie me and Lucas are gonna review is the deadly and disastrous, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation. It was released by New Line Cinema on November 21, 1997, the same year Mortal Kombat was at a fever pitch with the release of both Mortal Kombat 4 for the arcades a month before Mortal Kombat Mythologies: Sub-Zero for the PlayStation also a month before this movie. However, unlike this movie, Paul W.S. Anderson is no longer director and John R. Leonetti is. Leonetti would go on to later direct the horror classic Annabelle only 17 years after this godawful abomination. But he isn't alone since producing this film with him is Lawrence Kasanoff, who of course, would go on to direct what was simply known as the worst animated shitty-ass movie there ever is to exist, Food Fight!
"Oh my god, I only hope to hell we won't review that in the near future." Lucas shook his head out of Sean's sanity.
"Well, luckily for us, Nostalgia Critic took care of that already so we won't have to worry about that." Sean said, reassuring Lucas right away before groaning. "However, having to review the movie we're doing right now as part of Sequelitis Month is something everyone should worry about."
"No kidding." Lucas nodded.
Sean then pulled out his best bottle full of Modelo Cerveza and laid it on the table, saying to the camera. "Well, since we might as well review the worst that's yet to come, I've come prepared with a 12-pack full of Modelo Cervezas in hand. I figured we might as well have something to wash down this foul stench before, during and after the movie."
"I couldn't ask for nothing less." Lucas nodded before facing to the camera. "Anyway, here it is, the turd in the bloody punch bowl that is Mortal Kombat: Annihilation."
"Cheers, my good man." Sean said, holding up his cerveza bottle.
"Same here." Nodded Lucas as the two clinked their drinks.
Lucas: (Narrating) So after we get a good shot at the New Line Cinema logo rolling in, we get one familiar tune to two familiar words we all know and love.
(Scene opens up with the MK logo scrolling by with flames on top while at the same time, the theme music kicks in.)
Narrator: MORTAL KOMBAT!
Sean and Lucas both start dancing to the music right away while they are both sloshing good amounts of cerveza right on the floor.
"Oh man, this music is kickin'!" Lucas smirked out.
"Of course, that's the only good thing I will say about this trash heap!" Sean nodded to his friend while still dancing.
Sean: (Narrating): Once we get the title alongside the words "ANNIHILATION" thrown in our faces, we get a flashback of what happened in the last movie when Liu Kang whooped Shang Tsung's candyass down into the spikiest pit there ever is. Of course, that was another ONLY good thing I will also talk about this film before it turns to shit. Why? Because our movie starts off with a big ass portal coming in the sky with fireballs flying down from that frickin' thing.
"Yikes, is Sauron's big fucking eyeball from Lord of the Rings gonna pop out and scare the ever loving shit on this earth next?" Sean said with a huge shudder.
Lucas: (Narrating) I would, but unfortunately, all we get is a couple of ninjas in black falling from the sky and popping all across the ground like Rey Mysterio. So it looks like you're out of luck, buddy. However, Asian Eddie Van Halen aka Liu Kang doesn't know what to make this scene and neither does Kitana. Both Robin Shou and Talisa Soto reprise their roles as Liu Kang and Kitana and-
(Lucas is soon cut off once he sees Sonya Blade and Johnny Cage being played by a different actress and actor combined, therefore making him confused on what's going on.)
"Who in the blue fuckballs is that?" Lucas asked Sean. "That ain't Bridgette Wilson or Linden Ashby! What madness is this?"
Sean rolled his eyes and said. " I think now's a good time to explain, I guess. Unfortunately, Bridgette Wilson nor Linden Ashby return to reprise their roles. Sonya Blade is now played by Sandra Hess and Johnny Cage is now played by Chris Conrad, who gratefully is about to get his most big highlight in this film. I will explain right in a minute."
"Yeah, because otherwise, this has already turned to shit." Lucas nodded.
(Scene switches to get a close-up at the fighters who appear from the sky, most notably Motaro, Rain, Ermac and Sheeva)
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, both Liu, Kitana, Sonya and Cage are greeted by four familiar kombatants who also come out of the sky, which soon turn out to be Motaro, Ermac aka Error Macro, Rain and Sheeva. Sheeva is played by Marjean Holden, Rain is played by the film's stuntman Tyrone C. Wiggins, Ermac is played by stunt coordinator John Medlen and Motaro is played by Deron McBee-
The movie somehow stops to see a close-up of Motaro's face, forcing Lucas and Sean to stop dead in their tracks.
"Whoa, hold up. Haven't I seen him before?" Lucas pointed out in stunned amazement.
"Huh, I'm not sure." Sean shook his head before reaching for his laptop. "I might have to check on Wikipedia."
"Not if I beat you first!" Lucas said, pulling out his iPhone to do a Wikipedia search on Deron McBee's name.
However, once they click on the actor's profile, they immediately hear the sound of horns coming from a familiar game show. It wasn't long before Sean and Lucas knew what the theme song was alongside the actor who played Motaro.
"AMERICAN GLADIATORS!" Both Sean and Lucas said to each other.
(Clips of the game show "American Gladiators" start playing out in a montage alongside the popular theme music.)
Lucas: (Narrating) Yes fans, Deron McBee was best known for playing Malibu on the hit game show American Gladiators, which ran a very successful seven seasons from 1989 to 1996, not to mention a revival in 2008 which was hosted by Laila Ali and Hulk Hogan. Growing up as a toddler/kid in the 90's, I frickin' loved the American Gladiators. It was like what happened if you mixed NFL, WWE, Double Dare and the entire Roman Colosseum combined. The show was originally hosted by Mike Adamle and Joe Theismann, but secondary hosts were soon switched from Todd Christensen to even former NFL football great Larry Csonka! The gladiators in the show were even bad-ass too. My favorites of course were Thunder, Laser, Blaze, Gemini, Ice, Diamond and pretty much my favorite gladiator of all time – Nitro! Yes, we're talking about mother-frickin' Nitro, played by Dan mother-frickin' Clark! I'll give you one guess why he's my favorite.
(A close-up of Nitro's haircut is shown.)
Lucas: (Narrating): Yes, it's all about the hair, chicks dig that frickin' hair! It's so smooth, it looks like it can be washed by pine tar.
(A clip of Full House plays showing Jesse Katsopolis.)
Jesse Katsopolis (Played by John Stamos): Have mercy.
(Clips of "American Gladiators" continue to play in montage form, alongside pictures of American Gladiators-related merchandise.)
Sean: (Narrating): The popularity of the show was so great that there were a whole lot of merchandise full of our favorite Gladiators. There were action figures, board games, t-shirts, an entire soundtrack, a live show, spinoffs and not to mention a video game on both the Nintendo Entertainment System, the Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis. The NES version was alright but the SNES and Genesis versions were so lousy, you kinda wonder whoever programmed the controls for the SNES Joust mini-game were the same people who worked on the controls for Karate Champ for NES. Also, don't play that shit game. Plus, did you also know that the composer of the show's theme music, Bill Conti, was the same man who did the score for the Rocky films starring Sylvester Stallone? Wrap your awesome head around that. Oh, and not to mention there's an upcoming American Gladiators revival that's to come this year which will be produced by Seth Rogen itself. How cool is that?
"You wanna know why we love talking about American Gladiators, everyone?" Sean asked to the camera.
Lucas' tone soon turned from excited to angrily serious, saying close-up to the camera. "Because in a matter of seconds, you're gonna wish you'd be watching THAT instead of this shit movie. Anyway, I apologize for being off-topic, but back to the crap film."
Sean: (Narrating) And then we're introduced to the main villain of the film. The Emperor of Outworld himself, Shao Kahn played by Brian Thompson. And, oh god. He looks ridiculous in that Party City outfit! Come on! I thought he looks menacing like in the games. Big and menacing!
Shao Kahn (Played by Brian Thompson): The Earth was created in six days; so too shall it be destroyed; and on the seventh day, mankind will rest… in peace!
"Oh, great. Now they made him into a fucking Jehovah's Witness." Sean rolled his eyes at the camera.
Johnny Cage (Played by Chris Conrad): This is not good.
Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, Shao Kahn has opened the gateways to the Earthrealm and Raiden, this time played by James Remar from The Warriors and 48 Hrs., says what closes can also open again. What the hell does that supposed to mean?
"It means that the people that are seeing this movie are about to get the fuck out of here." Lucas said to Sean. "And what can open again are the new paying customers who are glad they're seeing a new movie being played instead of this butt-dump. And I say that only because I'd wait a month before this waste-of-time finally leaves theaters as it is."
Lucas: (Narrating) Before Raiden can explain why, we hear a scream coming from the background for some reason, I wonder what's—
(Sexy porn music is played when the scene transitions to Sindel appearing alongside Rain and Ermac.)
Lucas and Sean immediately stop dead in their tracks as their jaws drop in aroused amazement seeing this sexier version of Sindel appear before them right now.
"Hot damn!" The two both said.
"Okay, that SOOOOOO made the whole thing worth it." Lucas nodded out.
(A clip of the Angry Video Game Nerd is shown)
Angry Video Game Nerd: Ahh, kick-fucking-ass! Life is kinda cool sometimes.
Sean: (Narrating) What both Raiden, Liu Kang, Sonya and Cage are greeted to is the appearance of Sindel, portrayed by Musetta Vander. And I'm not gonna lie when I say this, but who knew Sindel looked so fucking hot in this film? We are talking about a hot smoking scream-inducing MILF. And yes, I say this because this was the woman who gave birth to Kitana. Looks like looks do run in the family. However, Kitana isn't pleased about her own mother being here. I wonder why?
Kitana (Played by Talisa Soto): *looking shocked* Mother… you're alive.
Sindel (Played by Musetta Vander): *pointing to Kitana* Too bad you… will die.
"Well, it ain't surprising since you were responsible for your daughter being a revenant in both Mortal Kombat 9 and X. Still hate her for that though." Lucas replied, referring to Sindel killing Kitana in Mortal Kombat 9.
Sean: (Narrating) So we see that Shao Kahn does a flip in front of some terrible green screen and so does Raiden and (Notices that Raiden has his hair in a ponytail instead of having it down) what the fuck?!
"Okay, how come all of a sudden Raiden's hair is in a ponytail after he did that flip? And didn't we see that his hair was down earlier?" Sean asked. "Now, tell me that I'm not imagining things here!"
Raiden (Played by James Remar): As long as I have the power, Kahn. You will never rule this world.
Shao Kahn: As long as the portal remains open, your world becomes my world! (Laughs)
Lucas: (Narrating) And then we get a fight scene between Shao Kahn and Raiden with some crappy effects and… Jesus, that is a terrible green screen effect.
(Shao Kahn does the shoulder charge move on Raiden, making him fly back into a brick wall.)
Shao Kahn: (Laughs) You will never win.
"Well, got to give this film some credit. They made Shao Kahn into the cheapest bastard of the film, he did one of his moves that pissed you off while playing MK II and MK 3 and he said one of his lines." Sean said. "Okay movie, let's see if you can keep this up."
(Shao Kahn fires a fireball at Raiden. Raiden jumps out of the way as Kahn misses. Raiden then performs his Electric Fly move and we hear his signature yell that was ripped from the game.)
"Okay, you know your movie is cheap when you start ripping sounds from the fucking game." Sean said, glaring at the camera.
Lucas: (Narrating) Raiden does manage to get the best of Shao Kahn though, but before things could between escalate between Raiden and Kahn any further, this happens.
(A ninja hands Shao Kahn a whip, which he catches it to wrap Sonya Blade around her legs and knock her down. He then drags her only to have his foot stomp across her neck, choking the life out of Sonya.)
Shao Kahn: This ends now!
Raiden: *to Shao Kahn* You'd hide behind a human?
Shao Kahn: *to Raiden* Why not, Lord Raiden? You hid behind them your entire pathetic life!
"Bull crap, Kahn. Raiden hid behind no one his entire life." Lucas added.
"Yeah, and Shao Kahn: A whip?!" Sean exclaimed to the camera. "Why not use your hammer? I mean, that's your signature weapon! It's like giving Indiana Jones a Super Soaker or giving Simon Belmont a frickin' AK-47! It CLEARLY does not match!"
(Johnny Cage sees this and becomes fed up by Kahn so much, he decides to stop him using his Shadow Kick move.)
Sonya Blade (Played by Sandra Hess): *shouting to Johnny* N JOHNNY!
(Shao Kahn finally lets go of Sonya's neck, only to knock down Johnny with one punch, sending him and his glasses right to the ground.)
"DENIED!" Sean and Lucas shouted altogether like a bunch of basketball announcers.
Sean: (Narrating) So after that horrendous fail, Shao Kahn decides to grab Johnny by the neck, fearing the worst for our beloved Hollywood actor, but not without giving Raiden an ultimatum.
Shao Kahn: Surrender, Raider… or this one dies.
(Raiden then points out to both Sindel, Sheeva, Rain, Ermac and Motaro, trapping them inside an electric forcefield.)
Raiden: Then I will take your generals. Because Earth does not bend to the will of tyrants.
"Damn right, Raiden." Lucas nodded before saying. "Just ask Adolf Hitler, Benito Mussolini, Kim Jong Il, Donald Trump, Superman from the Injustice series, etc. They all failed at it, or at least Trump will soon enough."
Lucas: (Narrating) This standstill goes on for seconds until Raiden makes a life-risking offer that Shao Kahn has to be dumb enough to refuse.
Raiden: Trade me for Johnny Cage.
Shao Kahn: Come bow at my feet.
(Raiden becomes quiet for several seconds until he finally lets the fighters that he trapped go from his electric forcefield.)
"There Kahn, Raiden did it for you, and now you end up your share of the bargain." Sean said to the camera as if he was talking to Shao Kahn. "All you gotta do is let Johnny Cage go and then—"
Shao Kahn: YOU FOOL!
Sonya Blade: *in slow motion* JOHHHHHHHHHHNY!
(Shao Kahn immediately snaps Johnny Cage's neck, killing him much to Sonya and Liu Kang's horror.)
Sean and Lucas both see this right away, fueled up in nothing more than anger and disappointment right away. Well, mostly on Lucas' side that is.
"Well, say goodbye to Cassie Cage ever being born, because that ain't never fucking happening now!" Lucas shouted angrily.
"No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Who the hell does this bitch think he is? He can't kill Johnny Cage! No! I do not approve of this!" Sean shouted at the camera.
Sean: (Narrating) So, after witnessing the death of a beloved character. You screenwriting bastards! We had to watch Sonya mourn the man who's going to be the father of Cassie Cage, our heroes escape the Emperor and his extermination squad by entering some underground cave. Then, Raiden sheds some light on what's going on.
Raiden: Kahn has opened the portal. Your planet and Outworld has begun to merge into one realm. Think of it as hell on Earth.
Kitana: My mother… resurrected. How is that possible?
Raiden: If I am correct, your mother Sindel may be the key to all of this.
Liu Kang (Played by Robin Shou): This can't be! We won the tournament! The rules say that the earth is safe for another generation.
"Yeah Liu, you do realize that Shao Kahn can change the rules by breaking them. Like couldn't he have the new tournament in Outworld like in Mortal Kombat II? But instead, they had to go for an adaptation of Mortal Kombat 3. Well, in Mortal Kombat 3, Johnny Cage was hunted down by one of Shao Kahn's extermination squads and was killed by Motaro. You guys suck." Sean said, sipping his bottle of cerveza.
Kitana: How could the Elder Gods allow this?
Raiden: They do not know. But Kahn…
(A clip from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan is shown)
Admiral James T. Kirk (Played by William Shatner): KHAAAAN!
Raiden: …must be stopped or your world will perish.
Liu Kang: I beat Shang Tsung. I can beat Kahn.
(KHAAAAN!)
Raiden: You are no match for Kahn.
(KHAAAAN!)
Sonya Blade: If anyone's going to kill Kahn…
(KHAAAAN!)
"Alright, enough. That joke's been done to death." Lucas said.
(A clip from Star Trek Into Darkness is shown)
Spock (Played by Zachary Quinto): (After Kirk dies) KHAAAAN!
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Sean and Lucas both shouted at the camera in anger.
"I swear if someone says 'KHAAAAN' one more time, I'm gonna go up and 86 a bitch!" Lucas shouted while he brought out a samurai sword.
"Yeah! I'm not afraid to use this." Sean said while he brought out an AMT Hardballer .45 ACP pistol. "I will turn into Erron Black from Mortal Kombat X."
Lucas: (Narrating) Knowing that Raiden damn well tells both Kang, Sonya and Kitana that they're not ready to fight Shao Kahn yet, the only way they can prepare is to travel back and forth between the human world and Outworld right before Raiden blows a hole through the walls.
Raiden: Each of you must grow stronger together. Together, we are the only hope.
Sonya Blade: Together, we couldn't even save Johnny.
"Obviously, Johnny kinda brought it on himself." Lucas said to Sonya. "I mean, Liu Kang or Kitana would have saved him, but they were surrounded to do anything at this point. So, wrap your head around that."
Sean: (Narrating) They proceed to go on the journey as they planned via- -
(The scene transitions to the part where Raiden, Kitana and Liu Kang approach very big machine like balls. Sean immediately sees this with his eyebrow raised.
Sean: (Narrating) The Atlasphere cage balls from American Gladiators.
(We see Sonya and Raiden traveling in one of the velospheres while the American Gladiators theme start playing in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Quick question: who's controlling these thing? Is that how they move? You have two people riding on it, facing each other and to top it off, you'll end up thrusting your sex pistol forward in front of the person who's facing you.
"I can imagine how Liu Kang feels while riding in one with Kitana." Sean said, winking at the camera naughtily.
Liu Kang: This is amazing.
(After the velosphere interchanges to the right)
Kitana: Hold on to me. Hold on to me.
(Liu holds onto Kitana)
"Lucky bastard. If you it pause and slo-mo it, you'll see Asian Eddie Van Halen smiling." Sean said.
(The image then freezes to Liu Kang with a smile on his face while he's holding onto Kitana.)
(A clip from the 2007 romantic comedy Knocked Up is shown)
Club Doorman (Played by Craig Robinson): I would love to tap that ass. I would love to tear that ass up.
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to the Emperor's temple, where we see Shao Kahn unmasked and….
"Uh, how come Shao Kahn looks like a normal human being? I know that he's played by Brian Thompson and we all know that he played the gang member who got his heart ripped out by Arnold Schwarzenegger in The Terminator and the Night Slasher in Cobra. He played some menacing characters in movies. But Shao Kahn isn't supposed to look like that unmasked." Sean said.
"Plus, also…" Lucas said before pointing at Shao Kahn's bald head. "Bald! Bald! Bald!"
(A picture of Shao Kahn's bald head is shown, forcing a sound clip from The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie to be played in the background. Sean and Lucas also chant along with both SpongeBob and the scarred fish.)
Sean, Lucas, SpongeBob & Fish: (V.O.) Bald! Bald! Bald! Bald!
Fred the Fish: MY EYES!
"Sorry, just had to do it. Couldn't resist." Sean smirked out.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that baldy here is discussing the merger between Earth and Outworld with his father Shinnok… Excuse me, what?!
"What in the flaming shitballs? Shinnok is Shao Kahn's father? Uh, does the screenwriting idiots know that Shinnok was a fallen Elder God? He didn't even make an appearance until MK Mythologies: Sub-Zero and Mortal Kombat 4. Do we even know who Shao Kahn's father is? Look, I'm about to do a brutality on a bitch in a minute, who wrote this?!" Sean yelled out.
Lucas then pulled out a clipboard and read out. "Lemme see here. Uhhhh… it seems to me that potheads wrote this. Oh, and not to mention crackheads, LSD-takers, PCP-takers and basically Shao Kahn himself."
"Did I mention that Lawrence Kasanoff and John Tobias wrote this steaming pile of bison shit?" Sean asked.
"Yeah, that too." Lucas nodded as he wrote on his clipboard. "I'll write Kasanoff as one of the crackheads."
Shao Kahn: Father, the merger has begun. Earth is under attack. And it is… GLORIOUS!
Shinnok (Played by Reiner Schone): Tell me, did you make Raiden beg for his life before destroying him?
(Shao Kahn's smile soon turns into a look of disappointment, therefore forcing Shinnok to look up close to Shao Kahn with a look of disgust.)
Shinnok: YOU LET HIM LIVE?!
"Yeah, Shao Kahn was a dumbass to do so." Lucas replied. "You can actually see it written on top of his head."
(A picture of Shao Kahn is shown with the words "Dumbass" displayed on his forehead red graffiti-like lettering)
"Ah, much better." Sean nodded right away.
"Yeah, I kinda did that." Lucas smirked, pointing at Shao Kahn in the process.
Shinnok: I have broken the sacred rules to keep the portals open. If the Elder Gods learn of our plot, we shall both suffer the consequences.
Shao Kahn: I do not understand. How can you fear the Elder Gods?
"Because your father was a fallen Eleder God, you fucking idiot." Sean said.
Shinnok: Do not underestimate the power of the human spirit.
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, is it just me or does Shao Kahn have a bit of some daddy issues? I couldn't imagine somebody so menacing have daddy issues. I mean, this is Shao Kahn! He's supposed to be like this.
(A clip from Mortal Kombat 9 is shown)
Shao Kahn: (Before fighting Liu Kang) I am Shao Kahn! Conqueror of worlds! You will taste no victory.
"Hell, and even this." Sean pointed out.
(A clip from Mortal Kombat: Defenders of the Realm is shown)
Shao Kahn (Voiced by the late John Vernon): Remember it well, for if you fail me again you will spend eternity there. But I am willing to give you one last chance to prove yourself worthy.
"You just turned this guy into a complete…" Sean said before being interrupted.
(Another clip from Mortal Kombat 9 is shown)
Shao Kahn: Not one word.
"Sorry." Sean said as he sips his bottle of cerveza.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Liu Kang and Kitana, we see that they're searching for a Native American shaman by the name of Nightwolf. And while doing that, they get to have their little moment together.
Kitana: Liu, if anything happens to me, I want you to…
Liu Kang: Kitana, I have lost everything. And I'm not going to lose you too.
Sean: (Narrating) And right when Liu is about to make his move on this hot piece of Edenian booty right in front of him, a certain robotic ninja from the Lin Kuei decides to cockblock him.
(Smoke appears and attempts to grab Kitana, but Liu manages to turn Kitana around, therefore forcing Smoke to grab Liu Kang and throw him.)
"Way to ruin the frickin' moment, Smoke!" Lucas snapped entirely.
Lucas: (Narrating) Yes, it appears that the cyborg who ruins the moment for both Liu Kang and Kitana is none other than Smoke. What a buzzkill, huh? Anyway, before he could get his hands on Kitana, Liu Kang channels his inner Ray Lewis and sacks him to the floor.
(Liu Kang leaps and tackles Smoke to the ground.)
"Holy Toledo, what a sack!" Sean exclaimed in pure shock.
"You got that right." Lucas nodded while channeling his inner football announcer. "In fact, let's see it one more time!"
(The clip is shown once again of Liu Kang tackling Smoke.)
"Never gets old. Just like NFL Street." Lucas shook his head with a smirk.
Sean: (Narrating) We then get our next fight scene with Liu Kang fighting Smoke and Kitana fighting a couple of ninjas. And have you notice that the stunts in this film looked silly? It's like people are jumping around on strings.
(A clip from Ed Wood is shown)
Bela Lugosi (Played by the late Martin Landau): Pull the string! Pull the string!
"Okay, Kitana better use some weapons for this fight scene so we can see somebody getting a good decapitation." Sean said.
"Yeah, I'm getting tense here." Nodded Lucas.
(Kitana then pulls out two strange swords coming from her leg and starts to beat down on two of the three ninjas.)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh great, they give her the wrong weapon just like Shao Kahn did! Did the producers, heck, even the damn director see the frickin' game already? Kitana's not supposed to have two swords! She's supposed to have two long ass- -
(Kitana then turns one of the swords into two long metal fans and blocking the third ninja's attack before responding with a kick of her own.)
"Oh, okay, my bad." Sean nodded. "Should've just informed me next time."
Sean: (Narrating) So when Smoke is about to kill Liu and Kitana, a familiar face ends up saving them by giving Smoke the cold shoulder.
Lucas: (Narrating) By that, we mean it LITERALLY.
(Sub-Zero pops out from the air and freezes Smoke completely, while at the same time, Smoke draws his missile, forcing Liu Kang to kick Smoke and dive out of the way to prevent an explosion.)
"And BOOM goes the dynamite!" Lucas exclaimed.
"And pretty much what's left of Smoke, to be honest." Nodded Sean.
Lucas: (Narrating) Yes, believe it or not, out fan favorite Sub-Zero is back from the dead, therefore warning both Liu Kang and Kitana the worst to come.
Sub-Zero: *to Liu Kang* You must go. There will be others.
Liu Kang: *to Sub-Zero, dumbfounded* I killed you in the tournament.
"Yeahm what gives, Sub-Zero?" Sean shrugged his shoulders. "There's no way you would've come back alive from all that ice you've been frozen in. I mean, that's just plain ridicu- -
(Sub-Zero unmasks himself in front of Liu Kang and Kitana, revealing to be Kuai Liang, Bi-Han's brother.)
Both Sean and Lucas drop their jaws to the floor in shocked fashion seeing this, alongside suspenseful music playing in the background.
"No… way…" Said the two disbelieved reviewers.
(A clip of the Angry Video Game Nerd is shown from the "Star Wars" episode.)
AVGN: No… it's not true. THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!
Sub-Zero (Played by Keith Cooke): You killed my older brother.
"Yeah, Liu. Don't you remember his brother? Dennis Sub-Zero." Sean said jokingly.
Sean: (Narrating) Ladies and gentlemen, we have unmasked Sub-Zero, played by martial artist Keith Cooke. And before you all ask, "Wait, didn't Sub-Zero die in the last film?". That was his brother Bi-Han, who died in the last film.
Lucas: (Narrating) So in Bi-Han's place, we have Kuai Liang, which is by far the most popular rendition of Sub-Zero, and by far, someone who looks like he could pass up for Nicolas Cage.
Liu Kang: So, why did you help us?
Sub-Zero: *points to Kitana* I helped her. Because legend has it, the princess is the key to stopping Kahn's plot.
(KHAAAAAAN!)
"OKAY, THAT'S FUCKING IT!" Lucas shouted angrily as he pulled out some brass knuckles from Sean's coffee table. "I'VE HAD IT WITH THESE CRAPPY STAR TREK REFERENCES!"
"Alright, everybody. Enough with the Star Trek references. Because I don't want Lucas to end up beating somebody to death or you all don't want me to shoot somebody in the kneecaps. I have a second pistol. Which means in the words of Two-Face from Batman: Arkham City, "Two guns, bitch!"." Sean said as he pulled out a second .45 ACP pistol from underneath his coffee table.
Lucas: (Narrating) After Sub-Zero explains to both Liu Kang and Kitana that Smoke planned to go after her instead of him in hopes that Kitana couldn't come close to her mom, Sub-Zero becomes nominated for the "Good Samaritan" award when he does this.
(Sub-Zero starts to shoot ice towards two separate tile, now creating an ice bridge.)
"Wow, that's some excellent use of handiwork." Lucas nodded out.
"Yeah, let's see Tim 'The Tool Man' Taylor build a bridge like that!" Sean pointed out with a smirk.
(A clip of Home Improvement is shown featuring Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.)
Tim Taylor (Played by Tim Allen): *grunting* Aeuhhh?!
Sean: (Narrating) However, before Sub-Zero could make it halfway towards the bridge, several spear heads start popping up from under the bridge, followed by…
(Scorpion appears, jumping on the platform tile.)
"Ho-ly crap." Lucas gulped.
"I swear, this movie is just bringing people back from the dead." Sean spoke wildly. "What is this, Dragon Ball Z?"
Scorpion (Played by J.J. Perry and voiced by Ed Boon): Get over here!
(Scorpion throws his spear at Sub-Zero. Sub-Zero does his Ice Clone move and dodges the spears right when the spears hit the ice clone.)
Sean: (Narrating) And then we get another fight scene and this time it's between Sub-Zero and Scorpion while Liu Kang and Kitana watch. But they're not joining because this is Scorpion and Sub-Zero's fight. And I have a quick question, how come Scorpion came back? Do we get any explanation to why he's back?
"Well, the drugged-out writers said, "Fuck it, let's bring back Scorpion so we can give the fanboys a fight between Scorpion and Sub-Zero."! It's official movie, you suck." Sean said, imitating Steve Ritchie's Shao Kahn.
Sean: (Narrating) And don't get me wrong, I love the ninja characters and hands down, Scorpion is my favorite MK character. But anyway, back to the fight scene, it's just fan service and a big fail because they don't give these characters the conflict of rival clans nor did they mention that Sub-Zero killed Scorpion's family, instead they give us a shitty fight scene!
"I'm getting real close to raging now like I raged from getting my ass kicked by Corrupted Shinnok in Mortal Kombat X. And this movie is doing a hell of a good job at making me rage." Sean said, clenching his fists.
(Scorpion grabs Kitana and takes her to Shao Kahn)
Scorpion: Suckers!
"Really? You're letting my favorite character resort to playground taunts? I'm thinking about performing a brutality on one of the screenwriters right now." Sean said.
"Heck, maybe I should throw the director into The Pit just for making Scorpion look like a turd!" Lucas said, cracking his knuckles.
Lucas: (Narrating) Once Sub-Zero leaves Liu Kang hanging, Sonya decides to head back to Special Forces and get some assistance from her long-time partner Jax, only this time…
(Sonya goes over to approach Jax, who seems to be resting under a medical blanket. While that is going on, the American Gladiators theme song starts playing in the background once the camera zooms in on Jax's familiar face.)
"He's now played by another actual American Gladiator." Lucas sighed as he nodded.
Sean: (Narrating) Ok, instead of Gregory McKinney playing Major Jackson Briggs this time around, we now have Lynn Williams playing the Special Forces muscle man himself. He of course is best known as Sabre from the "American Gladiators". But in this film, he's credited as Lynn "Red" Williams, as if he somehow got tired of using his old nickname from the TV show.
"What's next? Have the rest of the American Gladiators be named after frickin' colors now?" Sean shrugged out to the camera.
"Well, to your surprise Sean, they actually did have a Gladiator named after a color. It's a female by the name of Gold." Lucas corrected his friend.
(Sonya removes the medical blanket from off of Jax, revealing his arms that are fitted with bionic implants)
Sonya Blade: What the hell have you done to yourself this time?
Jax (Played by Lynn "Red" Williams): Cybernetic strength-enhancers. It takes what you got. It quadruples the muscle capacity.
"Don't worry, Sonya he still has his arms. But I'm sad to say that he will lose his arms to Ermac in 2011." Sean said, referencing the events of Mortal Kombat 9. "And he should lay off the Brazzers porn, because he doesn't want to rip off Jax Jr. while watching Katrina Jade and Elsa Jean having a threesome with Kieran Lee. It won't be a pretty sight."
Jax: Alright, alright. Stand back, stand back. Let's see what I'm made of.
(Jax uses his new cybernetic arms to rip the restraints off the table he's on.)
Jax: (Impressed) Yeah, now that's what I'm talking about.
(A clip from the Nostalgia Critic is shown)
Nostalgia Critic: Whoa, it turns out I'm made of awesome!
Lucas: (Narrating) After Jax frees himself, him and Sonya try to make their escape from out of the facility, only to run into trouble by another cybernetic ninja from the Lin Kuei.
(The Terminator theme by Brad Fiedel plays when Cyrax is shown)
Jax: What the hell is that?
"Hey, only Hob from RoboCop 2 could ask that question." Sean said.
Hob (Played by Gabriel Damon): What the hell is that?
"And that's also my initial reaction to what we'll be seeing later on in the film. Oh, trust me. We'll get to that scene soon." Sean said as a roaring sound is heard in the background.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that Jax and Sonya have ran into good ol' mustard himself, Cyrax.
"Which brings me to another question, where the hell is Sektor? You gotta have Sektor along with Cyrax. And also, I would just like to point out that Cyrax is the only back cyborg ninja in the Lin Kuei." Sean said a photo of Cyrax before he became a cybernetic ninja from Mortal Kombat 9 is shown.
Cyrax: Death is the only way out. Major Briggs, Sonya Blade. Shao Kahn will be pleased.
Jax: Shao what?
(KHAAAAAAN!)
Lucas becomes suddenly enraged hearing this Star Trek reference so much, he pulls out his brass knucks from the coffee table and starts screaming angrily right away.
"RAAAAAGH! I FLIPPING HAD IT WITH THIS CRAP!" Lucas declared as he ran for the door.
But before he could make it to the doo though, Sean got off his couch and tackled Lucas to the floor as a way to hold him down.
"Don't! It's not worth it!" Sean shook his head.
"I DON'T CARE, THAT MEME DESERVES TO DIE!" Lucas shouted back.
30 Minutes Later
Lucas is now shown looking a little deranged with his eye starting to twitch in irritating fashion.
"I like to apologize for my behavior during that godawful Star Trek reference." Lucas said to the camera with his teeth grittering out of rage. "I don't know what the hell came over me, but I want it to END now!"
"You see that, movie? You see what your godawful excrement caused HIM to do now?" Sean shouted while gesturing over Lucas.
Sean: (Narrating) And then we get another fight scene involving Jax and Cyrax and Sonya against a bunch of ninjas that make the Foot Clan look menacing. And yes, this fight scene involves more jumping and shitty stuntwork.
Lucas: (Narrating) And not to mention we get another fight scene in which Sonya is busy fighting a group of ninjas that makes no sense in this story at all. But of course we all know that Sonya starts owning their asses in no spare time at all.
"Okay, let's see how the fight between Jax and Cyrax is going along." Lucas pointed out.
(Scene switches to Cyrax kicking Jax straight to a couple of gas tanks. Cyrax then continues to kick Jax some more, especially when one of the kicks send Jax right over the table and onto the floor.)
"What the frickin' ass? Why in the hell is Jax being owned by a robot? Just… why?!" Lucas cried out.
"He's frickin' Jax! He's supposed to grab Cyrax right by the chest and say "GOTCHA" before punching his face in!" Sean shouted to the camera.
"What's next? Have Sabre get fucked up by WALL-E in the sequel?" Lucas suggested.
Jax: Sonya, heads up!
(Cyrax fires a green energy net from his chest. Sonya moves out of the way just in time and kicks one of the ninjas into the net. We see the ninja getting covered by the net and his whole body dissolves until he's only bones.)
"Okay, that was pretty awesome. Alright, Jax. Time to make your move." Sean said.
Jax: Catch this!
(Jax pushes the medical table at Cyrax until the cybernetic ninja jumps out of the way and lands on the table, then charges at Jax and does a jump kick. Jax dodges it and tries to hit Cyrax bit ends up hitting the computer.)
"Oh, come on!" Sean yelled at the camera.
(Jax punches Cyrax in the chest, sending him flying into the wall.)
Jax: Yeah! Now what?
"Thank you! Now rip off his fucking arms or break his spine. Better yet, grab him by his arms, push them down into his body, light a cigar, grab him by his mouth and rip part of his head off and put the cigar out. That would totally make me happy." Sean said, mentioning Jax's T-Wrecks fatality from Mortal Kombat X.
Sean: (Narrating) So Jax starts putting his cybernetic strength-enhancers to good use by beating the shit out of Cyrax but he ends up getting one of his arms stuck in the wall while trying to punch the cybernetic ninja.
Sonya Blade: (Sees Jax having his arm stuck in the wall) Nice look, but I'd lose the wall.
"Oh, sweet Jesus." Sean said as he removed his glasses and starts making a facepalm. "Sonya, this is no time for one-liners."
Sean: (Narrating) But eventually, Sonya fries Cyrax's ass after finding some flammable powder and blows it at him. I guess she performed her Kiss of Death fatality.
(Sonya performs her Kiss of Death fatality on Cyrax by setting him on fire, killing him.)
"Okay, they better have Ronda Rousey's Sonya Blade performing her Kiss of Death fatality on Mortal Kombat 11. If they don't, then Ed Boon shall feel my wrath." Sean said.
Lucas: (Narrating) So after Sonya barbecues Cyrax's ass, Jax and Sonya find some sort of dragon tattoo on Cyrax's back.
"Wait, what? Where in the flying monkey of fuck did Cyrax get a tattoo?" Sean asked.
"I don't know." Lucas shook his head. "But look at that."
(A dragon/butterfly hybrid emerges from the tattoo and flies away.)
"Whoa. Never seen anything like that in my life." Lucas said, being amazed by the tiny creature.
"That's like the most surreal thing ever since ManBearPig." Sean nodded.
Sean: (Narrating) However, it isn't long until Cyrax leaves a detonator on, therefore forcing Sonya and Jax to get the heck out of dodge just before…
(Cyrax and the Special Forces headquarters explodes, leaving Jax and Sonya to dive out of the way due to it's corny green-screen effect.)
"Great, more of this greenscreen shit." Lucas replied with a groan.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile at Shao Kahn's lair, we see some of Shao Kahn's generals, including Sindel's fine ass, having a meeting around the MK dragon symbol and they're busy talking about claiming thousands of souls on Earth.
Rain (Played by Tyrone C. Wiggins): My squads have claimed thousands of innocent souls on Earth.
Motaro (Played by Deron McBee): And I will claim millions.
Sheeva (Played by Marjean Holden): By now, you would be behind bars on display in a zoo.
"Damn!" Sean and Lucas both said.
Motaro: If those bars kept me away from you, Sheeva. I would welcome them!
"OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Sean and Lucas both shouted out after Motaro dissed Sheeva.
Lucas: (Narrating) So right after Motaro dissed Sheeva, the two end up trying to kill each other until Shao Kahn breaks it up and asks for a report.
Rain: Two of earth's best warriors have already been taken, Kabal and Stryker.
Shao Kahn: Tell me, did you make them beg for their lives before you destroyed them?
Rain: But master, I thought if I let them live…
Shao Kahn: I have no use for excuses!
(Shao Kahn grabs the hammer and slams it down on the dragon symbol as a bright light starts shining out.)
"What the hell was that all about?" Sean asked while he was laughing. "You start having a temper tantrum after one of your generals killed Kabal and Stryker? Jesus Christ, dude. Can somebody perform a babality on Shao Kahn? I want to see what he's like as a baby."
Shao Kahn: Rain, this will never happen again.
Rain: It will never happen again.
(Shao Kahn swings the hammer and hits Rain in the chest, sending him flying into a pit of flames.)
"Nice job, dumbass! You just killed off the most awesome character in Mortal Kombat. Bald asshole." Sean said as he rolled his eyes.
"Yeah, and to think Davey Stone from Eight Crazy Nights was a douchebag. Shao Kahn takes the whole entire douchebag cake!" Lucas exclaimed.
Lucas: (Narrating) So after another scuffle between Ermac, Sheeva and Motaro occurs on who should be the new general, Shao Kahn decides to make the decision himself.
Shao Kahn: No. You're all too impetuous for such important work.
(Shao Kahn then looks at Sindel with a smirk on his face, forcing her to smirk right back at him.)
Shao Kahn: You… are my new general, Queen Sindel.
Lucas and Sean then immediately smirk back from this scene, thinking of such naughty thoughts in their mind regarding Sindel.
"Ohhh, I love a woman who knows I can take orders from any day." Nodded a sly Lucas.
Shao Kahn: …Unless anyone has a different point of view.
"Hey, I have no problem with that. And you could see why he chose Sindel to be his new general, she's sexy as fuck. Damn, mmm!" Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Liu Kang, we see him walking through the desert looking for Nightwolf and during his search, he has an encounter with…
(Liu gets attacked by a wolf)
"Holy shit, it's one of the wolves from Far Cry 5! Kill it! Kill it!" Sean yelled out as he pulled out his gun and points it at the camera.
(We see that the wolf changes back into it's human form, revealing to be the one known as Nightwolf)
"Shit! He's turned into Edward James Olmos from Wolfen! Kill it anyway!" Sean tries to fire his pistol but Lucas stops him.
"Easy, buddy, Easy. No need to shoot anyone. Yet." Lucas said.
Sean: (Narrating) That 2 seconds of crappy effects is known as Nightwolf, played by Litefoot from Kull the Conqueror and The Indian and the Cupboard. And I got to give credit to the filmmakers, at least they got a Native American to play the character.
Nightwolf (Played by Litefoot): Pretty cool, huh? It's my animality.
Liu Kang: Who are you?
"Liu, I just said that's Nightwolf just a few seconds ago. Open your ears." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Nightwolf tries to teach Liu Kang about the power of Animality and to beat Shao Kahn, he's got to pass three tests.
"Does the first one involve not sitting down and watch this bullshit movie? I could be out buying Resident Evil 2 right about now." Sean said.
Nightwolf: First one's courage.
Liu Kang: I don't have time for these stupid games!
"I'm with Liu. We don't have time for these stupid games, so can we hurry this along?" Lucas asked.
Nightwolf: That's what I thought you'd say.
(Nightwolf throws a tomahawk at Liu Kang, knocking him out by putting him in a dream state)
"Jeez, Nightwolf! Try aiming for the head and put Asian Eddie Van Halen out of his misery why don't you? You could've killed him." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, Liu has himself an acid trip, as he dreams about Kitana, in a sexy-ass outfit. And then we get clips from a better movie that Lucas and I should be watching right about now. And for some reason, Liu has a dream about unmasked Shao Kahn mugging for the camera and that brings out his inner beast, which we'll get to that later in the movie.
Shao Kahn: You will fail!
(Liu Kang wakes up only to realize that he is left all alone, therefore ending the dream.)
"About time ya woke up, dillweed." Lucas said to Liu Kang before saying. "And to think I was gonna wake you up using these crabs to pinch you in the balls!"
Lucas then proceeded to bring out a big living crab from under the coffee table, therefore surprising Sean with a wise nod.
"Ah, nice Viva La Bam reference." Sean said, giving Lucas a thumbs up.
"Yeah, it just came to me." Lucas nodded.
Lucas: (Narrating) So once Liu Kang wakes up from his freaky acid trip, he drags himself only to see two pairs of feet for some reason. I wonder why Liu is staring at- -
(Lucas is soon cut off when the camera scrolls up to see an attractive Asian woman disrobe in front of Liu Kang, revealing a scantily clad white ragged bikini. While that is going on, sexy porn music stars playing in the background.)
(A clip of the cartoon Ed, Edd n Eddy is shown featuring Eddy.)
Eddy: *smiling arousingly*HELL-LOOOOO!
"Oh, hello, indeed." Sean nodded with a sly smirk.
"Ah, who must this fine-ass looking babe be?" Lucas asked before asking the Asian babe. "Miss, would you like to introduce yourself to us?"
Jade (Played by Irina Pantaeva): I am Jade. I have searched the mesa for you, Liu Kang.
"Well, nice to meet you Jade. Wait, that's Jade? What the hell happened to her green outfit? Shouldn't she be in that like in the games? But I'm okay with her wearing that." Sean said with a seductive smirk on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) So Jade tries to seduce Liu Kang to see if he would give in to temptation.
Liu Kang: This is almost to good to be true.
"I know. If only you could add Kitana to the mix, it would be an awesome threesome and an excellent idea for a Mortal Kombat smut story. Nobody has ever thought about writing a smutty Mortal Kombat story involving Liu Kang having a threesome with Kitana and Jade? Somebody better make it happen." Sean said.
"Oh, I'm SO on it." Lucas smirked as he pulled out his tablet, only to have a look of disappointment gleam on his face. "Oh, damn. I don't have any room. All of my documents are nothing more than Ross Lynch and Dove Cameron smutfics."
"Damn." Sean groaned before saying. "Well, at least Lucas here had the right idea."
Lucas: (Narrating) So while Liu rubs his face around Jade's creamy white skin, which she doesn't have in the games, our favorite emerald-wearing ninja decides to up the ante by kissing the holy hell out of Liu Kang.
(Jade kisses Liu Kang right on the lips, only for him to break free.)
Liu Kang: No. My heard… belongs to another.
"Well, I'm sure if Kitana saw you getting kissed by her best friend like that, best be sure you wouldn't live to have kids." Lucas nodded in spite of Liu Kang.
"Imagine that cheating scenario, but with Joey Greco hosting all of it as it goes on." Sean nodded too.
Sean: (Narrating) Unfortunately, Jade doesn't take rejection well as she backhands Liu in the face like a pimp and transforms into her emerald green out fit and she's armed with a sharp-pointed staff.
Liu Kang: Is this just another dream?
"Nope, this is for real and she's gonna kick your fucking ass." Sean said.
(Jade tries to strike Liu Kang with her spear, but Kang manages to dodge nonstop until Jade immediately starts choking Liu Kang by the neck using the same spear.)
Jade: How can you manage to defeat Shao Kahn, when I alone am too much for you?
"Well, if ya keep dominating Liu Kang like that, maybe he'll tell ya." Lucas smirked with a wink.
"I'll tell ya, I wish I was Liu Kang myself." Sean nodded, smirking widely. "That way I can be dominated by Jade and I wouldn't even care at the least."
Lucas then chuckled as he said. "Enjoy the mark around your neck though, because damn, she is that rough."
Sean: (Narrating) As it turns out, this was just a test. Oh really, I thought this was Jade's way of foreplay.
Lucas: (Narrating) Oh really? Because I thought THIS right here was.
(Scene switches to the part where Liu Kang and Jade try to outwrestle each other in unexpected positions, while at the same time panting in a sex-like fashion. But they were still clothed.)
"Holy hell, I haven't seen this much dry humping since Ride to Hell Retribution." Lucas smirked out before sipping his cerveza.
Liu Kang: (After Jade laughs) First you betray me, now you laugh?
Jade: You are even more pure and faithful than I heard. You have passed the test, Liu Kang.
Liu Kang: A test? This was just another one of Nightwolf's crazy tests? We could have killed each other!
Jade: But we'll live.
"Live to see that threesome with Kitana and Jade, am I right?" Sean asked with a smirk.
Sean: (Narrating) So Jade takes him to the temple of the Elder Gods and she agrees to help Liu Kang in saving Kitana. And speaking of Kitana, she's just hanging around in Shao Kahn's Tower in a cage like she's frickin' Tweety Bird, so Baldy tries to give her some wine as forgiveness for her past betrayals.
(Kitana drinks some wine and spits it out on Shao Kahn's face)
"Ha! Take that you bald-ass bastard. She should've opted for punching him in the face or use that wine goblet to hit him on the head." Sean said.
Kitana: You have destroyed my family. You drove my mother to kill herself. I am your enemy forever. So kill me now… if you dare.
Shao Kahn: (Dramatic pause): Foolish… child.
"Don't you just love how these characters are using dramatic pauses for their lines?" Sean asked.
(A montage of certain characters doing a dramatic pause while saying their lines)
Kitana: Mother… you're alive?
Sindel: Too bad you… will die.
Shao Kahn: Earth is under attack… AND IT IS GLORIOUS!/Foolish… child.
Lucas: (Narrating) Back with Sonya and Jax, they're walking through the wasteland and they get into an argument with each other.
Jax: You keep talking to me like that, Sonya, and I'm gonna split, alright? Look, you dragged me out o the base with some lunatic killers after us, out me in a spinning ball, take me halfway around the world. If I'm gonna die today, at least tell me why.
Sonya Blade: Nobody told me why Johnny had to die.
"Because Linden Ashby read the script and turned it down. He though it was a piece of shit." Lucas said.
Jax: Okay Sonya, I'm your partner. If you can't trust me, who can you trust?
Sonya Blade: Well obviously nobody but me.
"Uh, remember in the last film when Raiden said this to Sonya?" Sean asked.
(A clip from Mortal Kombat is shown)
Raiden (Played by Christopher Lambert): You Sonya… are afraid to admit even you sometimes need help. If you are afraid to trust.. you will lose.
"Well, obviously Sonya hasn't learn a fucking thing since the first movie!" Sean yelled at the camera. "Fuck! I just want to uppercut Lawrence Kasanoff's ass up in the air in the bell tower and make him fall through a couple of floors until he gets impaled by spikes. John Tobias however, I'm gonna let him live."
Jax: And who the hell is Johnny?
Lucas: (Narrating) Uh, he's the actor guy who died, remember? What kind of pot you've been smoking? Anyway, going off topic, while Sonya keeps on walking through, a pair of ninja sais are thrown right at her, forcing Sonya to take cover.
(The camera zooms in on Sonya with sais being drawn towards her with a pair of hands, forcing Sonya to backflip in order to evade the oncoming attack caused by another Mortal Kombat fan favorite, Mileena. Sonya, looking all muddy, looks towards the attacker in disbelief.)
Sonya Blade: *looking puzzled* Kitana?
Mileena (Played by Dana Hee): You wish!
Sean and Lucas suddenly look flabbergasted hearing this coming from Sonya herself.
After a second filled with silence, Sean took a deep breath before shouting. "THAT'S MILEENA, NOT KITANA! YOU WANNA KNOW WHY? IT'S SIMPLE! KITANA HAS FANS FOR WEAPONS, NOT SAIS! HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, JUST HOW FRICKIN' STUPID ARE YOU, SONYA!?"
"I swear, she makes Lindsay from Total Drama and Kelly Bundy from Married… With Children look smart by comparison!" Lucas said before complaining.
Sean: (Narrating) And then we get, you guessed it, another fight scene. Jesus, there's too many fight scenes in this movie and I don't recall the first film having that many.
"I mean look at this, they're giving us a fight scene between Sonya and Mileena… and they're both covered in mud. Breasts heaving, touching one another, rolling around, hitting each other… pulling each other's hair. You know I hate to admit this, this is pretty hot." Sean smirked.
"As much as I hate to admit it, you're probably right." Lucas nodded, replying with a smirk. "Heck, if this was a XXX parody, we'd have Mia Malkova and Asa Akira as both Sonya and Mileena altogether. Make this catfight even better."
Lucas: (Narrating) Throughout the fight, Mileena gets the upper hand at the start, but after a sexy technical display full of mud wrestling and MMA combined, it wasn't long until Sonya Blade goes all Ronda Rousey on her ass and wins with a little break on the arm and a little death boot to the face. Seriously, that little move kills Mileena. I'm not lying.
"Imagine if Ronda Rousey uses that move on Becky Lynch in their RAW Women's Championship Match at WrestleMania 35." Lucas said before replying. "That would make PPV numbers go frickin' up in a second, therefore killing "The Man". But seriously: Go Becky Lynch."
Sean: (Narrating) So after we see another dragon butterfly pop out of Mileena's skin for some reason…
(Sonya looks up to see a skinless lizard hybrid emerge from stone and attack her, forcing Sonya to move away just in time.)
Sean: (Narrating) We see a godawfully bad CGI creature that looks like what would happen if an actual lizard and the Summoned Skull from Yu-Gi-Oh bred together.
"I obviously don't know how in the hell they even try with those graphics." Sean said before facepalming himself.
"They're like something you pretty much see in Doom out of all people." Lucas said, referring to the 1993 FPS video game.
Sean: (Narrating) And right before the bad CGI creature tries to take a bite out of Sonya, Jax swoops in and saves her just in the nick of time and starts punching the shit out of the creature until it literally crawls back into the hole if came from.
Sonya Blade: Thanks, Jax. I, uh. I owe you one.
Jax: I don't know how much I can take all this. But you do look good in mud.
Sonya Blade: Jax!
Jax: Well, you do.
"Agreed." Sean and Lucas both said.
Sonya Blade: Ugh, I got to go find a river.
"If you do, can we watch you wash up? Because we would love to see you…" Sean said before getting interrupted.
(Shao Kahn's extermination squad arrives)
"Son of a bitch!" Sean yelled out. "Why, movie? Why couldn't you let us enjoy one thing?"
Lucas: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Raiden is at the temple of the Elder Gods to speak with them and he asks the Elder Gods three questions.
Raiden: Why was this treachery allowed?
Elder God #1: We do not control the destiny of man.
Elder God #2: Everyone possesses the ability to change their fate.
Raiden: So, you'll stand by and watch the ruination of earth?
Elder God #3: You are correct.
"Sounds like the producers of the movie in a nutshell." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The Elder Gods ask Raiden if he believes that the humans are worth saving, and then they ask them this question.
Elder God #1: Do you love them enough to sacrifice your immortality?
Sean: (Narrating) But before he gives them an answer, we check in on Sonya and Jax as they arrive at the temple of the Elder Gods and they reunite with Liu Kang and Jade tries to attack Sonya and Jax.
Liu Kang: Is that Jax?
Sonya Blade: Yeah, who is she?
Liu Kang: Jade, this is Sonya Blade.
Jax: Major Jackson Briggs.
(Jax shakes Jade's hand. The camera pans up from her legs to her face)
Jax: You've got an incredible set of legs… for kicking, I mean.
"I wonder if Jade is flexible so I can push her legs back behind her head, if you know what I mean." Sean winked naughtily.
"Plus, is it just me or do I envision Cindy Starfall playing as Jade herself? Because that would be hot." Lucas nodded in unison. "Don't worry, the chick playing Jade in this film is pretty hot too."
Lucas: (Narrating) However, the meeting doesn't last long as Shao Kahn's minions riding on horses crash the party, forcing Liu, Sonya, Jax and Jade to run for the hills in order to find Raiden.
(The four make it up to a hill, just to see that there is no Raiden around)
Liu Kang: He's not here either.
Jax: So we just gonna sit here and wait for this dude to show?
Liu Kang: *to Jax* Without Raiden, it's hopeless.
"Oh, I'm pretty sure he'll show up, Liu." Lucas nodded. "Right now, I bet he'll appear without no warning whatsoever and- -"
(Liu Kang, Sonya, Jax and Jade look up to see Raiden appear via front flip. He soon lands on his feet and appears with a brand new look, including short blonde hair, black vest and baggy khaki pants. While that is happening, the song "Rebel Yell" by Billy Idol is playing in the background.)
"Somehow he becomes Billy Idol." Lucas said in complete shock before shouting. "WHAT THE FUCK, RAIDEN?!"
Liu Kang: Raiden?
Raiden: It's a new look.
"Oh, sweet baby Jesus." Sean said. "Who came up with this look for Raiden? Whoever came up with it deserves a Johnny Cage punch in the nuts for coming up with that look."
Sean: (Narrating) Now I can spend hours at how dumb this looks but I'm not going to do that. As Shao Kahn, Sindel and his soldiers arrive on horseback like the friggin' knights of the crusade and hell, we see Shao Kahn without the skull mask. He's just wearing his helmet just so the filmmakers can show Brian Thompson's face.
"Seriously? Shao Kahn riding on horseback in only his helmet? Are you fucking kidding me?! You don't see Shao Kahn in The Pit III fighting somebody in only his helmet. Except for that time when Liu Kang or Kung Lao threw his war hammer at him knocking off his helmet just to show his ugly-ass face in Mortal Kombat: Shaolin Monks, I'm okay with that. This, I'm not okay with it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Raiden tries to make a portal to enter Outworld, but he's having a difficult time doing so.
Lucas: (Narrating) Hmmm, I wonder why?
Raiden: My powers are leaving me.
Jax: *to Sonya* Who does this dude think he is? Moses parting the Red Sea?
"Sure, if you like the idea of Moses dressed up as a British punk rocker/former thunder god." Lucas said with a nod.
Sean: (Narrating) While Raiden is trying to create a portal to get into Outworld, Shao Kahn gives Sindel an order to destroy everything by doing this.
(Sindel does her signature scream to destroy everything, including the temple)
"Okay, give me a few minutes with Sindel so I can make her scream in the bedroom." Sean smirked naughtily.
"Betcha I can make it only a minute." Lucas said, pulling out his $20 just to wave at Sean's face.
"Oh, you're on!" Sean said, pulling out his other $20.
Sean: (Narrating) So right when Sindel destroys everything with her screams, Raiden finally opens the portal to Outworld and our heroes jump in and see that the realms are merging.
Raiden: Time is against us.
Sonya Blade: We have to stop this.
Jade: To do that, we must rescue Kitana.
"Oh, and how do you supposed to do that?" You have any bright ideas?" Sean asked.
Jade: I know Kahn took Kitana back to his fortress.
"What fortress? That fortress? The silly looking fortress with the horns on it which looks like Pee-Wee's Nightmare Playhouse?" Sean asked as an image of Shao Kahn's fortress from the movie is shown before switching over to his fortress from Mortal Kombat 3. "Shouldn't they go to that scary looking fortress with Shao Kahn's face on it and the red swirling vortex in the sky hovering over it and it's right in the middle of New York City? Shouldn't they go to that one?"
Jax: Hold up. Hold up. Kahn?
(KHAAAAAAAAA….)
Sean picks up his gun and shoots James T. Kirk, ending the meme as he puts his gun down on the coffee table. "There! I killed the meme! I'm getting sick and tired of it! Let's get back to the film!"
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Shao Kahn, we see him and Shinnok talking to each other and we get more of Baldy's daddy issues.
Shao Kahn: I promise you, father, on my soul. All the millenniums of planning will be rewarded. You will be proud.
Shinnok: Know this… I will take your soul myself if you fail me now.
(Shao Kahn stays quiet for a bit)
"Awwww, what's the matter? Is Shao Kahn sad? Do you need a daddy tissue for your daddy issues? You poor baby." Sean taunts the emperor of Outworld.
"I swear, this looks like one of those depressing touching moments that always happens in family sitcoms." Lucas shook his head before replying. "You know what I'm talking about? You get a life lesson being told by the dad right to their kid right as background music starts playing? I wonder what it would have looked like between Shao Kahn and Shinnok…"
And then, Lucas starts thinking of the entire scene right in his head. A vision starts playing in Shao Kahn's bedroom in which Shao Kahn, played by Sean, is sitting on his bed while Shinnok, played by Lucas, gets on his knees and starts talking to him.
"What's the matter, son?" Lucas/Shinnok asked.
"I didn't get the job that I wanted." Sean/Shao Kahn sighed depressingly. "I worked so hard to become ruler of Earthrealm, but that no-good Raiden took it out of my hands. It's not fair! IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!"
Sean: (Narrating) After seeing more of Baldy's daddy issues, we check back on our heroes as they come across…
(They find a temple)
Liu Kang: This must have been Edenia. The royal family's temple. Kitana told me I would find it here.
"How the fuck would you know that's the royal family's temple? Did Kitana show you a photo of what it looked like before it turned into…" Sean said before getting interrupted.
(Sindel screams and we cut back to Sean and Lucas, Sean removes his glasses after the lenses break from Sindel's scream)
"Okay, you know what? I'm gonna start wearing contacts because I'm getting sick and tired of my glasses breaking every fucking time I do a review!" Sean yelled at the camera.
Sean: (Narrating) Sindel shows up along with…
(Three invisible ninjas appear in bad CGI animation)
Sean: (Narrating) In some shitty CGI effects. And those three ninjas are supposed to be, uh, Reptile. Movie, care to explain to us why there are three Reptiles?
Lucas: (Narrating) Better yet, the movie hadn't even told us why Reptile was back in the first place. Last time I knew, he was being bicycle kicked and stomped to death in the original Mortal Kombat by Liu Kang. Oh, and yeah, remember this guy?
(A picture of Keith Cooke as Sub-Zero pops up.)
"Yeah, believe this or not, but Keith Cooke, the guy who is playing Sub-Zero in Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, actually played Reptile in Mortal Kombat." Lucas pointed out. "Wrap your head around that everyone."
Sean: (Narrating) And then we get, can you take a guess what we get next?
"Ooh, ooh, ooh!" Lucas said as he raised his hand.
"Yes, Lucas?" Sean asked as the Wheel of Fortune theme starts playing in the background.
"Is it another fight scene?" Lucas asked.
"Lucas Hackett, you're correct!" Sean exclaimed as the audience applauds. "And for your prize, you get to sit down and watch this scene."
"Dammit!" Lucas shouted.
(Sindel throws her screams at Raiden, which knocks him into a wall. The three Reptiles all surround Raiden for a second before their fight starts with Raiden backing away from them doing flips. The three Reptiles are going after him via flips as well, which makes Lucas confused as hell.)
Lucas: (Narrating) What the hell am I watching here, a fight scene or a poorly choreographed dance scene from You Got Served? Seriously, that's what it looks like. Anyway, this fight is so confusing, it starts to look like a ballerina dance with kicks added to it. But oh man, I guess the one cool thing I like about was the fact Raiden did this right here.
(Raiden uppercuts one of the Reptiles over the ceiling, creating a huge hole in the process.)
"Yep, they added one of those 'super' uppercuts from Mortal Kombat 3 in this movie." Lucas nodded out. "You know what I mean because in MK3, whenever the player would uppercut his or her opponent, they would fly up to another stage. I wonder what it would be like if someone did that in real life?"
"If someone did that in real life, then you'll see that person splattered all over the ceiling." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After Raiden defeats the Reptiles, we cut back to Jax, Sonya and Jade as…
(We see Jax holding an unconscious Sindel by the hair.)
Sean: (Narrating) Wait a minute, when did they knock her out off-screen? Are you trying to tell me that we missed some hot girl on girl action between Sonya and Sindel?!
"God! You're an asshole, movie!" Sean yelled at the camera.
"I guess the director sees why none of us can't have nice things." Lucas snarled at the camera.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Liu Kang, he sneaks into Shao Kahn's fortress to save Kitana while Shao Kahn gives out a speech that would make his daddy proud of him.
Shao Kahn: You are to witness to the dawning of mankind's final day.
Lucas: (Narrating) Yeah, because everyone is basically gonna commit suicide after watching your lousy-ass speech. While Baldy is continuing his rant, Liu Kang meets up with Kitana, only to realize it's somehow gotten quiet for some reason.
"I'm pretty sure it's another pause like we've seen in every other suspense movie." Sean rolled his eyes.
"Oh, I'm sure it's nothing." Lucas shrugged out. "I'm sure right now Liu Kang is gonna break Kitana out of that cage nicely and…"
Kitana: *to Liu Kang* It's a trap, Liu! Leave!
(A hooded man with blades come swinging in by surprise, forcing Liu Kang to duck down)
Lucas immediately becomes surprised by this scene so much, he forces a stream full of cerveza down his shirt, forcing him to cause a fuss.
"Ah great, my favorite Slayer shirt, and it all got ruined thanks to this fartknocker in blades." Lucas groaned in response.
Sean: (Narrating) Right when Liu is about to release Kitana from her cage, we see that the hooded man with blades is revealed to be Baraka, or as I like to call him "Baraka Obama".
(Baraka reveals himself)
"Oh, sweet Jesus. Is it just me or does Baraka look fucking ridiculous? Movie, why do you have to be so cheap? It's just some guy wearing a silly-looking mask. At least you could do is get a makeup artist to create the makeup for Baraka instead of going down to Party City to buy a mask." Sean said.
(Baraka starts swinging in on a chain)
Kitana: Up there!
(Liu sees Baraka swinging in and ducks down)
Sean: (Narrating) And then we get another fight scene in which they make Baraka weak as hell.
"Hey, someone's gotta make Liu Kang look strong for his upcoming battle with Shao Kahn, so why not him?" Lucas replied to Sean.
(Two more hooded men with blades show up)
"What the hell?! Where did these two assholes show up?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) That doesn't matter because these two don't serve no purpose, so that leaves Baraka and Liu and the deadly Tarkatan warrior have a showdown on top of Kitana's cage, which ends with Liu kicking Baraka's ass into a pit of flames.
(We see reused footage of Rain falling into the pit of flames instead of Baraka)
"By the way, don't you just love how cheap the producers of this movie are? Their budget is so low, they had to re-use footage of Rain's death for Baraka. Can you say cheapality?" Sean asked.
Lucas: (Narrating) After Liu defeats Baraka, he saves Kitana just in time for Sheeva to show up.
Sheeva: The date's over.
"Alright, I hope we get a fight scene between Kitana and Sheeva. I am so pumped for…" Sean said.
(Liu and Kitana swing out of the cage as Liu throws the sword at the chains, causing the cage to fall on Sheeva)
Sean suddenly becomes enraged as he threw his cerveza bottle down on the floor and picks up his gun.
"THAT'S IT! SOMEBODY'S GONNA DIE…. CASSIE CAGE BRUTALITY-STYLE!" Sean screamed out.
Before a rage-induced Sean could run for the door, Lucas immediately tackled Sean to the floor as a way to hold him down.
"Don't, Sean! It's not worth going to prison for!" Lucas cried out with grittering teeth.
"I DON'T CARE! I'M GONNA PUT SOME LEAD IN SOMEONE'S ASS!" Sean shouted back.
But then all of a sudden, Dave the camera man and especially Sean's girlfriend Taylor all came in and held Sean down as well.
30 Minutes Later
Sean now appeared looking very erratic and messy, even going so far to make his eye twitch out of pure rage. Lucas on the other hand, was doing his best to calm him down to the best of his ability.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for my behavior making me act so murderous towards a shitty movie." Sean gritted his teeth in anger to the camera. "It was wrong for me not to think twice before acting like the way I was."
"Sorry it happened to me to." Lucas nodded before asking Sean. "Will this hot Brazzers scene between Richelle Ryan and two men on my tablet cheer you up?"
"Sure, that will cheer me up. Especially a girl/girl scene between Alina Lopez and Molly Stewart. That would definitely cheer me up." Sean said.
"No problem." Lucas smirked over to Sean, handing him the tablet. After that, Lucas looked over to the camera and said. "Yeah, this might be another 20 minutes everyone."
24 Minutes Later…
Sean appeared now looking very energetic and pumped up on the couch while Lucas looked on with an acceptable nod.
"I'm not gonna lie, but that scene felt great!" Nodded Sean.
"You know what they say, Brazzers makes everything work!" Lucas said, winking and giving a thumbs up to the camera before the words 'The More You Know' started appearing above their heads.
Lucas: (Narrating) Liu Kang and Kitana would soon reunite with their friends only for Kitana to demand where her mother is. Luckily, Raiden does manage to accept her demand and takes her to see Sindel, reminding her that only the love between mother and daughter can awake her and break Shao Kahn's control.
(Kitana goes over to see Sindel, who's resting on a stone table. The princess reached towards Sindel's hand before kissing her on her forehead, awaking Sindel from her sleep.)
Sindel: *to Kitana* Oh, Kitana…
Kitana: *to Sindel* I have prayed for the day when our love would bring us together again.
Sean and Lucas watch over in pure breathless silence watching this scene, not even knowing what to make of this.
But after a good 10 seconds of staying shut, Sean chuckled a bit and said. "Well, that's some good family incest for a bad Mortal Kombat movie."
"Somehow, I hope someone saw this and got inspired to write a Sindel/Kitana smutfic right away." Lucas said.
"If they did, then I'm reading it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Just when you think things are about to be normal between mother and daughter, Sindel pulls the ultimate fake-out move on her daughter and does her epic Joker laugh.
"God, do I have to reference Batman: Mask of the Phantasm in this review? Because I think that's enough of me referencing my favorite Batman movie." Sean said.
Sindel: Love? I have never loved you. You're such a pathetic child as you where wheezing when I was there to live.
"So much for motherly love." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Right after Sindel whips her hair back and forth like Willow Smith, we get another shocker.
Jade: *to Liu and Kitana* It's over, you fools. You've been tricked.
Sindel: The legend was a lie. Kahn's portals stay open. Now the merger is nearly complete.
Liu Kang: *to Jade* How could you do this to us?
Jade: *to Liu Kang* It was sooooooo easy.
Suspenseful music starts playing in the background hearing this, leaving both Lucas and Sean shocked and appalled as ever for a good five seconds. They remain like that for a while until Lucas finally speaks up in response to Jade's betrayal.
"Jade becomes a traitor?" Lucas asked to the camera before replying. "And to think she wanted to get inside Liu Kang's pants for nothing!"
Sean then scoffed with his arms folded. "You're telling me. Can't believe she played all of them like that. It's like what Al Bundy said…"
(A clip of Married… With Children starts playing showing Al Bundy)
Al Bundy (Played by Ed O'Neill): Women. Can't live with them… the end!
(Sindel continues to laugh and spin around while Jade sneaks behind the group's back and walks away)
Sean: (Narrating) So after Jade runs away like the betraying bitch that she is, Sindel starts spinning around like an idiot and disappears.
"Ehhhh, to be honest, that spin wasn't convincing enough." Lucas shook his head. "It should've been more like this."
(The scene of Sindel spinning around plays again, but with the 1970s Wonder Woman theme playing in the background)
"Ah, now that's better." Sean smirked out with a nod.
Sean: (Narrating) So after Sindel and Jade escape, our heroes are screwed, which makes Jax pissed off at Raiden and getting ready to rip off his arms.
"And then we get a shocking revelation between Shao Kahn and Raiden, it's so stupid that I don't know how long that Lucas and I could contain our anger and keep us from killing somebody." Sean said.
"And if you have a pillow to scream your head into, feel free to do so as you watch this." Lucas said, warning the viewers watching at home.
Raiden: My father's an Elder God. And only they can bestow such a marking.
Sonya Blade: *to Raiden* Your dad's an Elder God? Funny how you failed to mention that before.
Jax: *to Raiden* If your father's an Elder God, what does that make Kahn?
(Raiden turns to Liu Kang, Kitana, Jax and Sonya with a look of disappointment on his face, albeit a bit serious)
Raiden: Shao Kahn is my brother.
Once again, both Lucas and Sean remain silent from this moment, not even knowing what to say from this revelation. It remained like that for a good 10 seconds until one of them finally screamed out something.
"YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS, MOVIE! SINCE WHEN IN THE GAME DID THEY MENTION THAT SHAO KAHN AND RAIDEN ARE BROTHERS?!" Sean yelled out at the camera. "Remember my RoboCop 3 review when I mentioned that the movie is bad amateur fan fiction? Well, this is really bad amateur fan fiction!"
(A clip from The West Wing is shown)
Toby Zeigler (Played by Richard Schiff): Wow, that was just about the worst writing I've ever heard.
Sam Seaborn (Played by Rob Lowe): (Takes off his glasses) I know.
"This was a revelation that pissed off Mortal Kombat fans. I watched this movie when I was like seven years old and I rented it from Blockbuster Video along with the video game War Gods on the Nintendo 64 and I thought that this revelation was stupid and till this day forward, I still do!" Sean yelled.
Sean: (Narrating) And speaking of pissed off, Baldy here is fifty shades of pissed off at Jade because of her stupidity.
Jade: We could never have stopped them alone.
Sindel: Listen to her. She speaks the truth. We would've died trying.
Shao Kahn: You. You are already dead.
"Well, damn. No need to be a dick towards Sindel. It's official, he's won the Douchebag of the Year award." Lucas said.
Sean: (Narrating) And since Jade failed, her punishment is death… by a bad CGI version of the bug from Men In Black.
(The creature eats Jade and burps as Shao Kahn smiles in satisfaction before the dragon goes back into the wall)
"Well, that was dumb. Couldn't you at least bash her brains in with your war hammer?" Sean asked.
Shao Kahn: You will mount a defense around my newest temple. Prepare for Raiden to make one last attack.
Sindel: You said Raiden was no longer to be feared.
"Yeah, why should they fear this bald loser with daddy iss…." Sean said before getting interrupted.
Shao Kahn: (Yells) I AM TO BE FEARED!
Lucas almost spills his cerveza and Sean jumps back against the couch in fear after getting intimidated by Shao Kahn.
"Jesus!" Sean exclaimed.
Shao Kahn: But if you fail me now, I will feed your rotting corpse to the worms!
"Okay, about those daddy issue jokes, I apologize for making fun of you, just don't feed Sindel's fine ass to the worms." Sean said.
Lucas: (Narrating) So after we hear more of Raiden's bullshit family history on why Shinnok lied to Raiden and supporting Kahn instead, it's now finally time for the final showdown between good and evil. It's Earthrealm warriors vs. Shao Kahn's cronies. It'll be like chocolate vs. peanut butter, MTV vs. VH1, WWE vs WCW. Heck, even any team in the NFL vs the New England Patriots at the Super Bowl!
"Alright, will Raiden be joining the fight?" Sean asked.
Raiden: I will pray for you all.
"Fuck you, thunder god! You got them into this mess. You get in there and join them, you pussy!" Sean shouted.
"Don't make me have to break this bottle and shove this broken glass up your skull, you Billy Idol ripoff!" Lucas threatened to the camera while holding his cerveza tightly.
(Footage from Mortal Kombat 11 is shown)
Raiden: There are fates worse than death.
(Raiden cuts off Shinnok's head with his lightning blade)
Sean and Lucas both stay silent for a moment. But after only 10 seconds full of silence, Lucas uttered out in fear, "N-n-n-never mind, then…"
Lucas: (Narrating) Well, that was chilling to watch. Anyway Liu Kang, Sonya, Jax and Kitana soon approach the bad foursome of Motaro, Ermac, Sindel and Shao Kahn as they stand on top of some tower. I'm guessing this pays homage to one of MK's fight towers for some reason.
Sean: (Narrating) And before this fight turns into a giant bloody fatality, Raiden jumps in and tries to end his family squabbles with his brother and father. I don't think that Maury Povich will deal with their family issues.
Raiden: Father, you alone have the power to end this.
Shinnok: Stop! I do not want to remember you this weak!
Raiden: It is not weak to value life!
"Uh, Raiden. Shouldn't you say something like this?" Sean asked.
(A clip from The Warriors is shown)
Ajax (Played by James Remar): I'll shove that bat up your ass and turn you into a popsicle.
Sean: (Narrating) Shinnok demands that Raiden submits to him and restore their broken family, but the moral thunder god refuses.
"Alright, Raiden. You know what to do, I want you to snap Baldy's neck like he did with Johnny Cage. I don't care if he's your brother, you just kill him." Sean said.
(Shao Kahn fires an energy blast at Raiden and kills him)
"It's official, you suck!" Sean yelled out.
"Yeah, what he said." Lucas nodded in unison. "You can rot, Shao Kahn!"
Spock: Khan!
Before Sean knew it, Lucas then immediately snapped out of anger from the dead Star Trek meme. So much that Lucas took an AK-47 from under Sean's coffee table and gunned down the picture of Spock from Star Trek Into Darkness with multiple bullet holes.
Lucas then put the AK-47 down and screamed. "THERE, NOW SPICK AND THAT MEME FRICKIN' DEAD TOO!"
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, Raiden dies. This angers Liu Kang and he's going to make Baldy tasete his own blood. And then our fighters get ready for battle. We got Liu Kang going up against Shao Kahn, Kitana going up against her mother, Sonya taking on Ermac and….
(The American Gladiators theme starts playing)
Jax: (On Motaro) Mr. Ed is mine.
"Oh yeah, we get Sabre vs. Malibu." Sean nodded with a smirk.
"Honestly, where's Mike Adamle and Larry Csonka when you need them? This is so awesome!" Lucas smirked as well.
Lucas: (Narrating) The fight we focus on first between big man Jax and man horse Motaro. Before the fight, Jax gives Mr. Ed some fighting words as a start.
Jax: Yeah, I'm gonna make you eat that thing.
(Motaro responds with a huge whip of his taik, knocking Jax a bit far away.)
"Ouch!" Sean hissed painfully. "I guess that tail decided to eat back."
"I never seen Jax eat shit since Malibu get knocked out of the Human Cannonball pretty good." Lucas nodded again, referring to the American Gladiators event.
Sean: (Narrating) And just like in Mortal Kombat 3, they made Motaro a cheap son of a bitch. I mean look at him, he's giving Jax a difficult time!
(After beating up Jax, Motaro grabs Jax by the arm and rips off one of his metal arms.)
Shao Kahn: Yes!
"Oh! No, he did not just rip off one of Jax's metal arms. This centaurian bitch has the audacity to do that kinf of thing, like bouncing your projectile attacks off of you when you try to attack him." Sean said, referencing Mortal Kombat 3.
Motaro: Without your weapons, you are no match for Motaro!
(Motaro then hits Jax in his face with his own metal arm)
"Damn!" Sean and Lucas both yelled out.
Lucas: (Narrating) We see that things aren't looking good for our heroes. Shao Kahn beats up Liu Kang, Kitana gets beaten up by her own mother…
"Please don't kill your own mother." Sean said.
Lucas: (Narrating) And to top it all off, Sonya gets double teamed by Ermac and Noob Saibot.
Sean: (Narrating) Man, I haven't seen a double team like that since Mia Malkova got double teamed by two guys in Brazzers' parody of Die Hard.
"First of all, does anyone ever recall seeing Ermac use powers like that?" Lucas pointed out to Ermac. "I'm sure as hell don't because last time I recall, only Noob has the ability to create another clone on himself. Ermac only uses the power of souls. And don't they usually turn green when doing so? I swear, somebody bring Robert Stack to life because this is definitely an unsolved mystery I can't explain."
"Thank you for pointing that out. We've never seen Ermac do anything like this in the game. Only Noob Saibot does that. Shouldn't John Tobias tell Lawrence Kasanoff and John R. Leonetti that's not what Ermac does? To quote Angry Joe: 'you done fucked it up!'" Sean shouted at the camera.
Lucas: (Narrating) However, it ain't over yet as Jax soon gets a second wind and then-
(Jax uppercuts Motaro from the waist down, making the centaur wince in pain.)
"DAMN!" Both Lucas and Sean shouted altogether.
"That hurt worse than a joust stick to the face!" Sean said as he cringed.
(The camera then shows a picture of Jax without his metal arms, only revealing his bare muscular arms in it's place.)
Lucas: (Narrating) Here's something I don't get out of all of this. Why in the holy hell does Jax have his arms back? Did they even play Mortal Kombat 3 at all? The last time I recall, Jax had his arms stripped out of him thanks to that red dillhole Ermac.
"Altogether now." Sean said.
Both Sean and Lucas took a deep breath before saying this famous line from Angry Joe. "YOU DONE FUCKED IT UP!"
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, Jax gets his arms back and starts beating the shit out of Motaro while Kitana starts defeating her mother with a few kicks to the face.
"Okay, I know that a fight between Kitana and her hot MILF of a mom is hot but let's check back in with Jax and Motaro and I think we need the appropriate music for the fight." Sean said,
(The American Gladiators theme song plays in the background once more as Jax hits a backhand, dodges a left hook from Motaro, hits Motaro in the back and nails a 3-hit combo right before Jax delivers a David Lee Roth-like spin kick to Motaro's face, knocking him down.)
"Ohhh and Sabre knocks down Malibu for the count, therefore relegating him to nothingness!" Sean said, channeling his inner Mike Adamle.
Lucas, who was now channeling sporting a stylish Larry Csonka moustache, and said in boisterous fashion. "And with a hit like that, I think it's about time we check it out on the Zonk-a-strator!"
(The clip plays once again, but a bit slowly as lines and squiggles were drawn as if to analyze the moves Jax was making.)
Lucas: (Narrating) You see right here, Jax punches, ducks down, takes Motaro by the kidney, gives him the ol' Mike Tyson and finishes it off with a wallop of a kick that makes David Lee Roth grom Van Halen shake in his shoes. Boy, is Motaro gonna feel that in the morning.
"Motaro saw that guy coming and he took the most excellent hit of his life. Next thing he knes, he was on the beach, taking in some cosmic rays, getting' healed by mother nature, taking a little brewski, holdin' on to a beautiful babe and he's fine today. And let's not forget that he went to party with the Bundys." Sean said, referencing Deron McBee guest starring in an episode of Married… With Children.
"Ah, nice callback." Lucas winked to his partner.
Lucas: (Narrating) After taking down Motaro, Jax soon comes to the aid of Sonya and helps even the odds against Ermac and Noob.
(Sonya performs a high kick across Ermac's face before doing a handstand with her feet grabbing Ermac right by the neck. She then surprises him with a pop-up punch before flipping him over and snapping his neck, killing him instantly.)
"Damn, that's another neck Sonya just snapped there." Lucas pointed out.
"I'm telling ya, it's the legs." Sean smirked at him right before saying. "And if we learned from anything from ZZ Top, it's the fact that Sonya's got legs, and she knows how to use them."
(A clip from Total Drama Island is shown featuring Chef Hatchet)
Chef Hatchet: Mmm… spicy.
Sean: (Narrating) Let's check back on Liu Kang as we see him getting his ass handed to him by Shao Kahn, who's fighting without his helmet!
"Seriously, Shao Kahn fighting without his helmet on is like Darth Vader having a lightsaber duel with Luke Skywalker without his helmet on." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Just before Baldy rips him apart, Liu Kang gives in to his inner beast and…
Liu Kang: (Feeling his animality) I can feel it!
(Liu feels his animality and turns into a bad CGI-animated dragon)
Sean and Lucas both stayed silent for a good ten seconds before Sean finally says something.
"Play the clip." Sean said.
(A clip from RoboCop 2 is shown again)
Hob: What the hell is that?
"Remember the animalities in MK3 being so friggin' awesome in the game? Well, this is it. They have Liu Kang turn into a bad CGI version of Drago from the movie Dragonheart." Sean said.
Sean: (V/O as Liu Kang, but impersonating Sean Connery from Dragonheart) This is my animality, you bald asshole. Let me show you my heart first before I kill you.
Lucas: (Narrating) We then cut to Shao Kahn's animality and…
(Shao Kahn instantly transforms into a freakishly seven-headed snake, therefore creeping and confusing the holy hell out of Lucas.)
"Uhhhhh, what in the holy mother of harlots is that?" Lucas pointed out with a raised eyebrow.
"I think it's what happens when Medusa, a rattlesnake and Eyedol from Killer Instinct merge into one." Sean replied before chuckling. "And by god, it's hideous!"
Sean: (Narrating) Yep, we get our first and only dragon fight between two laughingly bad CGI dragons. For some reason, I feel like I'm watching a horribly made Godzilla flick filmed in someone's backyard at night.
"In fact, just to make this fight even better, I'll play this entire fight clip in black and white and have it replaced with Godzilla sound effects." Sean stated to the camera.
"Roll it." Lucas replied.
(The fight scene between Liu Kang and Shao Kahn in their animality form is shown in black and white, the scene is replaced with Godzilla sound effects and now the Godzilla theme music starts playing)
"There. Much better." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After they have their animality fight, Liu Kang and Shao Kahn revert back to their human form.
Liu Kang: Your blood flows, Kahn. Just like the blood of a mortal.
Shao Kahn: Father, how can this be?
Shinnok: I warned you there would be consequences for breaking the sacred rules.
Shao Kahn: But I did not expect this.
Shinnok: Must I do everything for you?
"Uh, yeah. You're his father, duh!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) And then the Elder Gods show up. Well, it's about damn time that they showed up. Where in the hell were they when Shao Kahn was trying to merge Earthrealm and Outworld?
"And where were they when Shao Kahn murdered Johnny Cage, huh?" Sean asked.
Elder God #2 (Played by Carolyn Seymour): The fate of the universe will be decided as it should be.
Elder God #1 (Played by the late Lance LeGault): In Mortal Kombat.
(The Mortal Kombat theme starts playing)
"Hell, yeah! Now we're talking." Sean said with a smile on his face as the Mortal Kombat theme starts playing.
Once it started playing however, Sean and Lucas started dancing right away with Lucas basically spraying his bottle of cerveza all around to the beat.
"I don't know why this deserves to be played in a shitty movie, but I like it!" Lucas shouted from the music.
Lucas: (Narrating) With the beat kicking in ten-fold, the fight between Kahn and Kang becomes a life-and-death situation. Baldy gets the upper hand for most of the match, but Liu Kang knowing the never-say-die warrior he becomes, comes from behind and finishes Shao Kahn off with a backflip kick, just in time to see another dragon pop out of Kahn's skin and fly away. Serves you right for killing Johnny. Anyway, what Liu Kang gets in his victory is this little message right there.
(A picture of Liu Kang is shown with big white letters saying in order from top to bottom: "LIU KANG WINS! SHAO KAHN'S RULE IS OVER! ONCE AGAIN, YOU ARE THE SURPREME MORTAL KOMBAT WARRIOR!)
"I know it's usually a pipe dream and all, but c'mon, that totally would've been cool." Lucas shrugged.
"It would've made the movie at least a little shitty." Sean also shrugged.
Sean: (Narrating) Shinnok gets turned into a Rubik's Cube and he is banished to the Netherealm, Earthrealm gets back to normal, Kahn's hold over Sindel is broken and she reunites with her daughter and Liu and Kitana kiss.
"But wait, what about Raiden?" Sean asked.
"Yeah, what about the mortal thunder god?" Lucas asked as well.
(We see that Raiden gets revived by the Elder Gods as heavenly music plays in the background)
Sean: (V/O as Announcer) Raiden will live.
Sean and Lucas both squeal in joy as they both hold their arms up high.
Lucas: (Narrating) So, yeah. Raiden gets revived by the Elder Gods and he's become one of them and before he leaves with the Elder Gods, he has something to say to them before he leaves.
Raiden: You've all made me very proud. I will be watching you, so stay out of trouble.
"And Liu, I will definitely keep my eye on you. You better not be thinking of having a threesome with Kitana and Sindel." Sean said, impersonating Raiden.
Raiden: And remember, be there for one another. You're a family now.
Sean: (Narrating) Well, thank your for these words of wisdom, Raiden. Raiden leaves and our heroes live happily ever after right when the MK logo repairs itself.
Narrator: MORTAL KOMBAT!
(The end credits roll as a different song starts playing. A song called Megalomaniac by KMFDM.)
"And that of course was Mortal Kombat: Annihilation." Lucas replied. "It had everything Mortal Kombat fans would expect like the last movie: All the fights, all the characters, all the blood and…"
But then a record scratch was heard, forcing Lucas' mood to change from joyous to mad in seconds.
"You know what, screw that, there was no blood, no gore and especially no sense." Lucas shouted before declaring. "In fact, THIS WAS SO FUCKING STUPID!"
(Clips from the movie are shown in a montage, but the Deep Darkness theme from EarthBound is playing in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) *Sighs* In fact, out of all the video game movies I've seen and watched, this is the worst I've ever seen. This makes Super Mario Bros., Tomb Raider, Resident Evil and that dreaded Double Dragon movie look like a masterpiece in comparison. Mortal Kombat: Annihilation is not a masterpiece. But you know what? I think I'll take that back for a second. It is a masterpiece… budgeted special effects filled with godawful greenscreen moments that made me question if this was ever a Mortal Kombat movie at all. It is a masterpiece filled with cow dung, rotten roadkill skunks and cat vomit! And truth be told, it's not a very good masterpiece either. It's the kind YOU need to stay away from.
Lucas: (Narrating) You know what I hate worse about this movie? It's not just for the fact that Bridgette Wilson, Linden Ashby or Christopher Lamber wasn't in this movie, but it makes me angry for the fact that Kung Lao wasn't even in this movie AT ALL, which is a shame because he's one of my favorite characters in the series EVER! They had so many chances to write him in, but never was he mentioned at all in the movie. What in the hell did John R. Leonetti turn himself into? Christopher Nolan out of all people? Maybe John R. Leonetti is the Christopher Nolan of bad puke-inducing video game movies. You want to know why both Leonetti and Nolan are alike? Because just like Dick Grayson was left out of Nolan's Dark Knight trilogy movies, Kung Lao got left out of the bad Mortal Kombat movie franchise ALTOGETHER! Even if Kung Lao was added into this movie, the movie would still be shit!
Sean: (Narrating) I've heard James Rolfe aka Angry Video Game Nerd from one of Cinemassacre's Rental Reviews saying that the movie was total shit, but great. As much as I want to agree with James, I'm sorry, but me and Lucas have no choice but to disagree. This movie is so bad, it's LITERALLY bad! If you ever see this movie in your vintage game store, do yourself a favor and buy it. So you can go throw it down the spiky pit where it deserves to rot and die for all we care. And it's the reason why me and Lucas give Mortal Kombat: Annihilation the fatality it deserves – 1 bloody ripped spine out of 5.
"That is all for this review. And only two movies left for Sequelitis Month. I hope that the next movie I review is good." Sean said.
Lucas then grabbed a paper containing a list full of movies for Sean to review. "Well, all we have to do is check out which movie to review and then…"
He was soon cut off as both Sean and Lucas looked in shock to see the next movie on the list, which was
ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN 2
"Yep, I'm out. See ya later, dude!" Lucas said before getting out of his seat and running out of Sean's house.
All Sean could do at this point was look at the camera and groaned out of deep regret." Ugggh, I'm going to hell…."
And then the episode finally ends with fire shooting out of the background with AC/DC's Highway to Hell being played in return.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Too bad you… will die.
And that's it The Mayhem Critic's review of Mortal Kombat: Annihilation. I know it look a long time for me to post it, but it was worth it. Thanks to my friend UltimateWarriorFan4Ever for co-reviewing this movie with me. We had a lot of fun working on it and I hope you all like it. Next time, Sean continues Sequelitis Month when he takes a look at the ungodly sequel to Don Bluth's 1989 animated comedy All Dogs Go to Heaven, All Dogs Go to Heaven 2. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Till next time, my fellow readers.