The Mayhem Critic
Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Last time, Sean the Mayhem Critic reviewed the Patrick Swayze action fest known as Road House. Today, the young critic returns to a galaxy far, far away when he reviews Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace for its 20th anniversary coming up and sees if it deserves the heat it gets. Now sit back and get ready to experience George Lucas' start of the Star Wars prequel trilogy in the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic.
P.S: I do not own anything involved in this story. All material belong to their respective sources. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace is owned by 20th Century Fox and LucasFilm and Walt Disney Pictures.
A long time ago, before Disney got their hands on this franchise….
MAYHEM
CRITIC
Episode 56
THE PHANTOM MENACE
Back in the year 1999, George Lucas presented us with the first film in the Star Wars prequels. Fans were totally hyped up for the film when they saw the trailer. When the film was released in theaters, fans were disappointed to how it turned out with bad dialogue and two annoying characters.
It has been the target for critics, they bashed the hell out of that movie. Most critics and fans consider this movie to be the worst out of the franchise. Lucas wanted to make more Star Wars films and more money until Disney gains the rights to the films. It was a dark time for Star Wars fans. Well, then there was The Last Jedi, which fucking sucked balls!
Twenty years ago, a seven-year-old boy went to see the movie with his mother because he was a big Star Wars and he was hyped to see this film. Now, the same boy who's grown into a raging critic at the age of 27 will share his thoughts about the film and rip it a new one. There, now that I got the opening text crawl out of the way, tune in for a new American Housewife Tuesday night on ABC and the series finale of The Big Bang Theory Thursday on CBS. Now, let's read the goddamn review…..
We open with the shot of Earth, then the scene cuts to a shot of Sean's house, where we see the young critic sitting in his room watching the trailer for Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker. His best friend Brian enters the room and sees him watching the trailer.
"Dude, how many times are you going to keep watching that trailer?" Brian asked.
"As long as they release another trailer for the film." Sean said. "Hmm, let's see what's on my agenda. Let's see. Sunday: the season finales of The Simpsons, Bob's Burgers and Family Guy and the series finale of Game of Thrones. Tuesday: a new episode of American Housewife and Thursday: the series finale of The Big Bang Theory. Then, the following Tuesday, the season finale of American Housewife, which is the musical episode. Jeez, this month is the month for season finales and series finales. I'll be bored in June to watch some more shows."
"Dude, you're forgetting about the season finale of Riverdale." Brian said.
"Oh, yeah." Sean said.
"Plus, Sunday May 19th marks a very special anniversary." Brian said.
"May 19th? What's so special about May 19th? Oh, wait. Road House! It's the 30th anniversary for the movie." Sean said.
"You already reviewed Road House. Besides, there's another movie that was released in theaters on May 19th. In the year 1999." Brian said as Sean drops his cup of coffee, realizing the day and the year a certain movie's been released.
"May 19th, 1999." Sean said.
The young critic walked over towards his DVD shelf and picked up his Blu-Ray copy of Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace while Duel of the Fates play in the background.
"Time for me to kick George Lucas' ass!" Sean exclaimed as he ran out of his room.
"Wait, Sean. Where are you going? You're still not mad at George Lucas for creating Jar-Jar Binks, are you?" Brian asked.
Sean heads down to his living room and immediately sat down on the couch so he can start his introduction to today's review. "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. Okay, let's talk about Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace."
(The titles for the movie are shown, along with clips from the movie while the Star Wars theme plays)
Sean: (Narrating) Now, I know what you're going to say, "Ugh, are you kidding me? Another review of The Phantom Menace? Haven't we seen that enough. We don't need another one!". Well, you're getting another one, so bite me. The film was released in theaters on May 19th, 1999. This was the most important film that came out and everyone was hyped up about. And I was too when I saw the teaser trailer when I saw The Rugrats Movie back in 1998. I haven't been this hyped up for a trailer since Avengers: Endgame. Don't worry, I won't spoil the movie for you, I already saw the movie twice. Then, the theatrical trailer was released on March 12, 1999, when that god-awful Wing Commander movie was released in theaters. Well, I saw the second trailer on PBS. This was the first of the prequel trilogies. Star Wars fever was indeed everywhere. You have KFC, Pizza Hut and Taco Bell promoting the movie, there were The Phantom Menace toys, video games, clothes. I collected some of the figures and the first one I bought was Darth Maul.
"Why Darth Maul? Because he's awesome!" Sean exclaimed with a smile on his face.
(More clips from the film are shown as well as footage from the video games on the N64)
Sean: (Narrating) Hell, I played Star Wars Episode I : Racer in the N64 as well as Star Wars Episode I: Battle for Naboo. Boy, was this movie hyped up as hell. When the movie came out, well…
(A clip from the film is shown)
Jar Jar Binks (Played by Ahmed Best): No, no. Mesa stay. Mesa called Jar Jar Binks. Mesa your humble servant.
Sean sighed a bit after the clip featuring Jar Jar Binks is shown. "Well, the film didn't play out to everyone's expectations. And trust me, I'll talk about the annoying characters."
Sean: (Narrating) And for the film's 20th anniversary, I will be reviewing it as we see how the saga began. This was the start of a trilogy to set up the original trilogy, explaining both how Anakin Skywalker was discovered to become a Jedi and the groundwork that went into play to give birth to the dreaded Galactic Empire, until it leads to the new trilogy.
"Okay, it sounds like an excellent idea. I mean, you can't mess this up, right?" Sean asked.
Anakin Skywalker (Played by Jake Lloyd): Are you an angel?
Sean glared at the camera evily. "I hate you. Anyway, let's take a look at Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace to see if I can keep myself from punching George Lucas in the throat."
(The film opens with "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away….")
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, so our film opens with "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away….", and then we get our traditional text scroll. Where's the Nostalgia Critic, Cinema Snob and Chris Stuckmann when you need them? We see in the text scroll that the taxation of trade routes is upsetting the Trade Federation, as they set up a blockade of battleships around Planet Naboo. So, the Supreme Chancellor sends someone to negotiate with Trade Federation Viceroy Nute Gunray, played by Silas Carson. What the Trade Federation don't know is that these two ambassadors are actually Jedi Knights. We're introduced to Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn, played by Liam "Darkman" Neeson and his apprentice, a young Obi-Wan Kenobi played by Ewan McGregor.
Obi-Wan Kenobi (Played by Ewan McGregor): I have a bad feeling about this.
Qui-Gon Jinn (Played by Liam Neeson): I don't sense anything
"Oh really, Qui-Gon? It's the beginning of the movie. You don't need to sense that some shit is about to go down." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But their cover is blown when a protocol droid picks them out as Jedi Knights, and the Trade Federation fear that they'll force some kind of settlement. So, Viceroy Gunray contacts Emperor (clears throat) I mean, not the Emperor, Darth Sidious. Darth Sidious is a mysterious Sith Lord and a secret benefactor to the Trade Federation.
Darth Sidious: We must accelerate our plans. Begin landing your troops.
Nute Gunray (Played by Silas Carson): My lord, is that legal.
Darth Sidious: I will make it legal.
Nute Gunray: And the Jedi?
Darth Sidious: The chancellor should never have brought them into this. Kill them immediately.
"Make them die a slow and painful death. Like the audience watching this movie." Sean said, imitating Darth Sidious.
Sean: (Narrating) And the Trade Federation don't know jack shit about subtlety when they start blowing up their aircraft that Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan came in and they send their battle droids to kill the Jedi.
Battle Droid: (Sees Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan's lightsabers) Uh-oh. Blast them.
(The battle droids start firing their blasters at the Jedi. Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan deflects their shots and they start attacking the battle droids)
"Now, I remember why I love this movie. The lightsaber scenes." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) I mean, look at how it's done. The fight choreography, it's fast, stylish and a hell of a lot of fun to watch. You can see that Ewan McGregor is having a ball doing this.
(We see Obi-Wan taking out a battle droid with a stylish kill)
Sean: (Narrating) While trying to get the blast doors to the bridge open, the Trade Federation send some Destroyers to eliminator, so Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan use their force speed to get the hell out of there and head to the hangar where they find a droid army getting ready to invade Naboo. So, they stow aboard one of their ships. Meanwhile, the Trade Federation receive a transmission from Queen Amidala via Skype.
Nute Gunray: Again you come before us, Your Highness.
Queen Amidala: You will not be so pleased when you hear what I have to say, Viceroy. Your trade boycott of our planet has ended.
Nute Gunray: I was not aware of such failure.
Sean starts laughing at Nute Gunray's accent. "Oh, my God. Is it just me or does Nute Gunray sound like the City Wok guy from South Park? I mean, that is offensive right there. George, buddy. What were you thinking? Giving the Neimoidians East Asian accents. Man, Asians would find that offensive."
Nute Gunray: (With Tuong Lu Kim a.k.a. the City Wok Guy's voice) Rook! Ifuh somebody orderduh shitty beef, anduh complain because they say they ordereduh shitty shrimp, it's notuh my fault he gets the shitty chicken poured all over hisuh fucking head!
Queen Amidala: Beware, Viceroy. The Federation has gone too far this time.
"Any other racial stereotypes to make fun of, Georgie-Boy?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to Naboo where we see that the Trade Federation has started their invasion and Qui-Gon runs into the franchise's most despised character, Jar-Jar Binks played by Ahmed Best, and Qui-Gon ends up saving the annoying Gungan from being run over by a droid transport.
"Shame on you, Qui-Gon. Shame on you." Sean said while pointing to the camera.
Qui-Gon Jinn: You almost got us killed. Are you brainless?
Jar-Jar Binks: I spake.
Qui-Gon Jinn: The ability to speak does not make you intelligent. Now, get out of here.
Jar-Jar Binks; No, no, mesa stay. Mesa culled Jar-Jar Binks. Mesa your humble servant.
"Oh, Christ. Kill me. Or better yet, let me kill him because he's so fucking annoying!" Sean exclaimed. "Oh, and I hope you like those first ten minutes of the film because the tone shifts drastically from politics to action to silly characters, then back to politics and action." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Now I know you're wondering, "Sean, why are you hating on Jar-Jar Binks?". Look, I'm one of those people who didn't care for the character not because of the racial stereotype of him speaking in a Jamaican accent, it didn't offend me because I didn't know that he was speaking in that accent or the fact that I have something against comic relief. I love comic relief, in this movie and from that character. Well, how it's pulled off in Jar-Jar's case….
Jar-Jar Binks: (Jumps in the water by doing a flip) Ar, ar, ar! Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!
"Expect a lot of Jar-Jar bashing from me throughout this review." Sean said.
"I'm all for physical comedy, but how Jar-Jar does it, is just wrong." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Jar-Jar leads them to Otoh Gunga, an underwater Gungan city of Naboo and as much as I riff about this movie, I love this scene. It just oozes with atmosphere as we see this underwater city slowly revealed. Props to visual effects supervisors John Knoll, Dennis Muren and Scott Squires and composer John Williams.
"You guys get an A+++. You deserve it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) They arrive at the city, but there's one teeny tiny little problem regarding Jar-Jar.
Captain Tarpals (Played by Steve Speirs): Noah gain, Jar-Jar. Yousa goen tada bosses. Yousa in big dudu dis time.
Jar-Jar Binks: Ohh.
"Turns out he's been banished from the city. I can see why." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The reason why Jar-Jar has been banished is because of desertion and he gets arrested. So, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan meet up with the Gungan leader Boss Nass, voiced by Brian Blessed.
(A clip from Disney's Tarzan is shown)
Clayton (Voiced by Brian Blessed): Hiding, are we? Good! I could use a challenge, because after hunting you, gathering up your little ape family will be all too easy.
"Yes, you all probably recognize him as the voice of the psycho hunter Clayton in Tarzan, the Ghost of Hamlet's Father in Kenneth Branagh's version of Hamlet and Prince Vultan in Flash Gordon." Sean said.
"We learn that the Gungans and humans haven't been on the best of terms, and it's later revealed in the cannon EU novels that the Gungans originally settled the planet before the human Naboo came." Brian said.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: You and the Naboo form a symbiont circle. What happens to one of you will affect the other. You must understand this.
Boss Nass (Voiced by Brian Blessed): Wesa no (shakes his head) carrrre-nn…
We cut back to Sean, who immediately gets hit in the face with Boss Nass' salvia after he shakes his head. "Dude, seriously?"
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Qui-Gon uses his Jedi mind trick on Boss Nass so they can give them a craft on their way to Theed and the quickest way to Theed is by going through the core. And guess who's going with him?
(A picture of Finn is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) No.
(A picture of Jyn Erso from Rogue One: A Star Wars Story is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) No, not her.
(A photo of Qi'ra from Solo: A Star Wars Story is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Definitely not Emilia Clarke.
(A picture of Mickey Mouse is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Wha? No, no! No!
"It's not Finn, it's not Jyn Erso, it's not Qi'ra and it's definitely not Mickey Mouse. And if you say Luther from American Housewife, then I will fucking destroy you." Sean said as the photo of Luther the dog creeps away.
Sean: (Narrating) No, actually Qui-Gon has once again called his Jedi mind powers to free Jar-Jar because of the life debt, something his species take seriously.
Jar-Jar Binks: Better dead here than dead in da core. Yee gods! What mesa saying?
"See? he's being funny. He's he making you laugh, huh? Huh? Laugh. Laugh you son of a bitch!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) But their sub trip isn't so easy when they travel through the planet core, they have to deal with at least 3 different sea creatures along the way.
(One sea creature, a giant one, eats the other sea creature, releasing their sub)
Qui-Gon Jinn: There's always a bigger fish.
"Hey, he's had his fair share of sea creatures I'm sure of it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Quick question: how would going through the planet's core is faster than just going on the surface. I mean, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan made it down to the planet the invasion fleet and they could've made it through the capitol city.
"Let's say that somebody sends two agents to save President Trump in Washington from Russian terrorists and the quickest way to get to the president is by taking a plane and skydiving down to Washington D.C. but instead they end up landing in Indiana." Sean said.
(A clip from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is shown)
Casey Jones (Played by Elias Koteas): Oops!
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, our heroes and Jar-Jar arrive in Theed after almost getting killed by dangerous sea creatures, you lucky, lucky bastards. But apparently, Viceroy City Sushi over here beat them to the punch and has already captured Queen Amidala.
Queen Amidala: I will not cooperate.
Nute Gunray: Now, now, Your Highness. In time, the suffering of your people will persuade you to see our point of view.
"And while we're at, let me take you and your people to Panda Express. The sweet and sour chicken is quite delicious." Sean said, imitating Nute Gunray.
(A clip from Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood is shown)
Rebecca Crane (Voiced by Eliza Jane Schneider): That's racist.
Desmond Miles (Voiced by Nolan North): You're racist.
"Fun fact: Ben Burtt, the sound designer for the film, at some point dubbed their voices with ESPN guys." Brian said, remembering a bit from the audio commentary.
Sean: (Narrating) Our heroes sneak into Theed just in time to jump a surprisingly small group of battle droids escorting the Queen. After rescuing the Queen, they make their way into the hangar and escort her to Coruscant so she can tell the Senate about the Trade Federation's illegal invasion. How do they pull this off? They walk up to the battle droids and end up telling them about it.
Battle Droid: Halt.
Qui-Gon Jinn: I'm ambassador to the supreme chancellor. I'm taking these people to Coruscant.
Battle Droid: Where are you taking them?
Qui-Gon Jinn: To Coruscant.
Battle Droid: Coruscant? Uh, that doesn't compute. Uh, wait. You're under arrest.
"Okay, I wonder who's much more stupider. The battle droids or the stormtroopers. This battle droid couldn't even recognize that they were walking with the person that the federation have captured minutes earlier." Sean said. "The stormtroopers, on the other hand…."
(A clip from Star Wars: A New Hope is shown, showing one of the stormtroopers hitting their head on the doorway)
"Yeah, not that bright." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But hey, a little battle droid abuse with lightsabers and force powers doesn't even stop them as the group escapes on the Queen's Royal Starship, but then there's a little problem involving the Trade Federation blockade in their way. So, the Trade Federation open fire and land a few hits damaging the ship's shield generator. I don't know why they don't have the shields up to start with. But we do see a bunch of droids to go out to fix the shields, picking them off one by one until one lone droid fixes it. I wonder who could that mysterious droid be.
"Let me guess, Luther the dog from American Housewife." Sean said, taking a guess.
Captain Panaka (Played by Hugh Quarshie): R2-D2, Your Highness.
Queen Amidala: Thank you, R2-D2.
(R2-D2 does a happy chirping beep)
"Right, R2-D2. Yeah, our favorite adorable little tin trash can. "I knew that. I did. Really."
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, there's a little problem with the ship. The hyperdrive was damaged during the escape and they can't reach Coruscant. So, they make a little emergency landing on a planet outside of Federation space, Tatooine. But don't worry, it's only a temporary stop until they can find the parts for repairs. We then see the Queen's servant Padme, played by Natalie Portman, is busy cleaning up R2-D2, until…
Jar-Jar Binks: Hello. Sorry. Husa are yousa?
"Oh, sweet Jesus." Sean said, rolling his eyes.
Padme (Played by Natalie Portman): I'm Padme.
Jar-Jar Binks: Mesa Jar-Jar Binks.
Padme: You're a Gungan, aren't you?
"No, he's about to become a dead Gungan in a minute." Sean said.
Padme: How'd you end up here with us?
Jar-Jar Binks: My no know. Mesa day starten pitty okeyday witda brisky morning munchen….
"Shut up." Sean said.
Jar-Jar Binks: Den boom! Getten berry scared….
"Shut up." Sean said once more.
Jar-Jar Binks: …and grabben dat Jedi, and pow- mesa here.
"Shut…up…." Sean said for the third time.
Jar-Jar Binks: Huh. Mesa getten berry, berry scared.
"SHUT UP! God-fucking-dammit! Don't you ever shut up?!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) They land on Tatooine and while looking around for help, the Queen sends Padme with the away team and boy, isn't it a bitch to walk underneath two burning suns in the scorching hot weather. So, they head down to a spaceport and…
(Jar-Jar steps into some creature poop)
Jar-Jar Binks: Oh! Icky icky goo!
"That's nice. Show Jar-Jar stepping into some shit. I'd rather watch him step on a landmine." Sean said.
(The scene is shown once again, this time instead of Jar-Jar stepping into some poop, he steps on a landmine and blows up)
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, they reach a small junk shop owned by Watto, voiced by Andy Secombe.
Watto (Voiced by Andy Secombe): (Speaking Huttese) What do you want?
Qui-Gon Jinn: I need parts for a J-type 327 Nubian.
Watto: Ah, yes! Nubian. We have lots of that.
"Uh, you have a surplus of Egyptian subculture? Is it that type of shop?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) While Qui-Gon is about to speak business with Watto, we're introduced to another character.
Anakin Skywalker (Played by Jake Lloyd): (To Padme) Are you an angel?
"Ugh, that fucking line. And this is coming from the little twerp from Jingle All the Way. Hell, he could've just said this to her.
Sean: (V/O as Anakin) Hey, nice ass.
Padme: What?
Sean: (Narrating) This is Anakin Skywalker, played by Jake Lloyd. This is one of the bigger problems with this movie, the portrayal of Anakin Skywalker, who's nine-years-old.
Anakin Skywalker: I'm a pilot, you know?
"Fuck you, Ani." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) When the film came out in theaters, a lot of people were giving Jake shit when other children were being mean to him and he said that the films ruined his life that he quit acting altogether. Hell, there was an article in Newsweek that Seth Stevenson wrote an article about the movie and took pot shots at Jake Lloyd. I'm not going to make fun of Jake Lloyd, in my opinion he does a great job, it's how his character was written, now that I have a problem with.
Anakin Skywalker: My mom and I were sold to Gardulla the Hutt, but she lost us betting on the Podraces.
Padme: You're a slave?
Anakin Skywalker: I'm a person, and my name is Anakin.
"Remember that or I'll force choke you." Sean said, imitating Anakin.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Watto has all the parts that they need for their ship, all they have to do is to pay the guy.
Qui-Gon Jinn: I have 20,000 Republic dataries.
Watto: Republic credits? Republic credits are no good out here. I need something more real.
Qui-Gon Jinn: (Tries to use Jedi mind trick on Watto) I don't have anything else, but credits will do fine.
Watto: No, they won't.
Qui-Gon Jinn: (Does the Jedi mind trick once more) Credits will do fine.
Watto: No, they won't! What, you think you're some kind of Jedi, waving your hand around like that? I'm a Toydarian. Mind tricks don't work on me, Only money.
"I want you to listen very carefully, Watto. Before this day's over, I will kill you. But before I kill you, I will make you suffer pain so unimaginable. You will wiggle and beg and pray for the gift of death. Eventually, I will give you that gift. But when you wake up in Hell, you won't find peace. You know why, Watto? Because I'll be there waiting for you again, Watto." Sean said, imitating Liam Neeson.
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, well. Time for plan B. As they leave the shop, Jar-Jar tries to get himself something to eat, but ends up getting caught trying to steal the frog, until he lets go of it, sending it flying into someone's food, and that person is Sebulba, voiced by Lewis Macleod. Sebulba is a Dug.
(A picture of Doug Funnie from Doug is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Not that Doug.
(A picture of Doug Walker a.k.a. the Nostalgia Critic is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Definitely not that Doug.
(A picture of Doug from KidBehindaCamera is shown)
Sean: (Narrating and laughs) You wish it was that Doug. No, a Dug is an alien species. And right, when he's about to do the impossible, which is killing Jar-Jar, Anakin ends up saving his life. Dammit. But anyway, there's a sandstorm coming and they'll never head the outskirts in time. So, Anakin takes them to his house. And then we see Anakin's latest invention that he's working on, a little protocol droid named C-3PO, voiced by Anthony Daniels.
C-3PO (Voiced by Anthony Daniels): (After Anakin turns him on) Where is everybody?
Anakin Skywalker: Oops.
(Anakin puts an eye on C-3PO so he can see better)
C-3PO: Hello, I am C-3PO, human cyborg relations. How might I serve you?
"Both C-3PO and R2-D2 get along pretty well, although there's one little problem that R2-D2 notices about C-3PO." Sean said.
(R2-D2 chirps and bleeps at C-3PO)
C-3PO: I beg your pardon, but what do you mean, "naked"?
(R2-D2 bleeps at C-3PO)
C-3PO: My parts are showing? My goodness! Oh!
"Jeez, movie. Put a censor bar on C-3PO. I don't want to see his parts. This movie is rated PG for the kiddies." Sean said as a photo of C-3PO with a censored bar covering him is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) Back on the outskirts of Tatooine, Queen Amidala receives a message from Sio Bibble, played by Oliver Ford Davies, telling them to contact him. But Obi-Wan senses that it's a trick for the Trade Federation to kidnap the Queen. We then cut to the city-covered planet known as Coruscant, where we see the evil Darth Sidious talking to his apprentice Darth Maul, played by Ray Park and Peter Serafinowicz providing the speaking voice of the character.
"Fun fact: I actually met Ray Park at the Cincinnati Comic Expo a few years ago and I told him that Darth Maul is my favorite character from the movie. He gave me a Topps collectable coin with Darth Maul on it. He's an awesome guy. And you'll see why Darth Maul is awesome in the movie." Sean said.
Darth Maul (Played by Ray Park and voiced by Peter Serafinowicz): At last we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi. At last we will have revenge.
Darth Sidious: You have been well-trained, my young apprentice.
We then hear the sound of Emperor Palpatine laughing in the background as Sean looks around the living room to see where that creepy-as-hell laughter came from.
"Did anyone else hear that? What was that all about?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Back on Tatooine, Qui-Gon, Padme and Jar-Jar are having dinner with Anakin and his mother Shimi, played by Pernilla August. Shmi explains what happens to slaves who dare escape Tatooine. It turns out that all slaves have a transmitter placed somewhere inside their bodies, any attempt to escape…
Anakin Skywalker: And they blow you up!
(A clip from The Running Man is shown, showing an inmate trying to escape. As he escapes, his head explodes)
Anakin Skywalker: Boom!
Jar-Jar Binks: How wude!
"Hmm, not bad. But, here's my take." Brian said.
Brian: (V/O as Anakin) They're rigged to explode. (Snaps fingers) Like that.
Shmi Skywalker (Played by Pernilla August): The Republic doesn't exist out here. We must survive on our own.
(Jar-Jar takes an apple with his tongue and eats it)
Jar-Jar Binks: (Gulps) Xcuse me.
"All of a sudden, Jar-Jar Binks is imitating Yoshi from Yoshi's Story." Sean said.
(The scene plays again, this time with Yoshi sound effects right when Jar-Jar takes the apple)
Jar-Jar Binks: (With Yoshi's voice) Yoshi!
Qui-Gon Jinn: They have Podracing on Malastare. Very fast, very dangerous.
Anakin Skywalker: I'm the only human who can do it.
Qui-Gon Jinn: You must have Jedi reflexes if you race pods.
(Jar-Jar tries to grab an apple but Qui-Gon stops him by grabbing his tongue)
Qui-Gon Jinn: Don't do that again.
"And if you do that again for laughs, I will find you and I will kill you." Sean said, imitating Qui-Gon Jinn.
Sean: (Narrating) Anakin then asks Qui-Gon if he's a Jedi Knight after he saw him carrying his lightsaber.
Anakin Skywalker: I had a dream I was a Jedi. I came back here and freed all the slaves.
"Oh, Ani. You young, naïve little boy. I've seen your future and it involves you, the dark side, Younglings and a PG-13 rating for the film's franchise." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Then Qui-Gon lets it slip that they're on their way to Coruscant on a very important mission. So, they come up with the dumbest plan unimaginable by placing a bet on Anakin to win a Podrace, which is going down in the next day. So, Qui-Gon heads down to Watto's to make a deal with him.
Watto: What would the boy ride? He smashed up my pod in the last race. It will take some long time to fix it.
Anakin Skywalker: It wasn't my fault, really. Sebulba flashed me….
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! I do not need to know what Sebulba did to you, ya little twerp. Keep it clean here." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, Watto accepts the deal. If Anakin wins the race, then Watto gives Qui-Gon the parts for the Queen's ship. If he loses, then he has to give up the Queen's ship. Later, Qui-Gon and Shmi watch as Anakin fixes up his Podracer for the race.
Qui-Gon Jinn: Who was his father?
Shmi Skywalker: There was no father. I carried him, I gave birth, I raised him. I can't explain what happened.
"Okay, so Shmi was conceived by The Force, then that means that Anakin is Space Jesus?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) So, while Anakin is busy fixing up his racer, we get more of Jar-Jar's hilarious antics.
Anakin Skywalker: Hey, Jar-Jar. Keep away from those energy binders. If your hand gets caught in the beam, it's gonna go numb for hours.
Brian: (V/O as Jar-Jar) Numb for hours, he says. Ha! (Lures his mouth onto it) You're pulling my… (Gets zapped) He's right!
C-3PO: You know, I find that Jar-Jar creature to be a little odd.
(R2-D2 gurgles and bleeps)
Sean: (Narrating) Later, we get what was known as George Lucas fucking with supernatural fantasy when Anakin's force sensitivity can be easily measured by a blood test that Qui-Gon sends Obi-Wan, and then we get this.
Qui-Gon Jinn: I need a midi-chlorian count.
"I'm sorry, what?" Sean asked.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: (Checks out Anakin's blood sample) The reading is off the chart. Over 20,000. Even Master Yoda doesn't have a midi-chlorian count that high.
"Midi-chlorians? Wha? What? Uh, didn't Yoda go on about the Force is in everything? The Force is in the trees, in the rocks, in this fucking couch. Yet, how many midi-chlorians do they have. Look, we already knew how the Force works. It surrounds us and it binds us. The Force penetrates us like me plowing pornographic actress Riley Reid and my girlfriend Taylor in a Brazzers-style threesome." Sean said, then sighs a bit. "God, I cannot believe that I mentioned a porn actress' name and my girlfriend and threesome in the same sentence."
Sean: (Narrating) But enough about midi-chlorians, we see that Darth Maul has arrived on Tatooine and he's looking for the Queen, to capture her so she can sign the treaty. The next day, it's the day of the big race and the bet is kicked up a notch. Qui-Gon bets Watto if Anakin wins, he wins his freedom and he can come with them.
"Seriously, couldn't you just buy him?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, the race is set to begin and Anakin is getting his podracer ready but before the race starts, Sebulba's cheating ass sabotages Anakin's podracer.
Sebulba: (Speaking in Huttese) You won't walk away from this one, you bantha-shit eater.
Anakin Skywalker: (Speaking in Huttese) Fuck you, asshole.
Sebulba: (Speaking in Huttese) You're a bantha's dick!
Sean: (Narrating) Well, so much for smack talking, let's start the race.
(Jabba the Hutt bites the head off of the creature and spits the head out on the gong to start the race. The podracers go but Anakin has a little trouble getting his to start up)
Anakin Skywalker: Oh, no! No!
Sean: (Narrating) Dude, you're falling behind. Go.
(Anakin tries to start up)
"Go." Sean said.
(Anakin is still having trouble with his podracer)
"GO!" Sean shouts as he suddenly gets angry.
(Anakin finally starts up his podracer and catches up)
Sean: (Narrating) What can I say about this scene? It's fast-paced, action-packed, the sound design is amazing and hell, it can be dangerous at times.
We cut to Sean, who's now wielding his Nintendo 64 controller, pretending to be controlling Anakin Skywalker in the race like on Star Wars Episode I: Racer.
"Come on. Just let me catch up." Sean said.
(Anakin tries to get past another racer, but the other racer wouldn't let him pass)
"Come on, let me pass you stupid fucknugget." Sean said.
(Anakin does a flip and goes past the racer)
"Ha! Suck on my green lightsaber!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) With the other taken out one by one, some by crashing and some by getting shot at by Tusken Raiders and from Sebulba's cheating ass. Anakin catches up to Sebulba and manages to get the lead and wins the race after Sebulba gets a taste of karma. So yeah, Anakin wins and Qui-Gon gets the parts to repair the ship and the good news is Anakin's finally free. He's no longer a slave!
"But wait, what about his mother?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Well, Qui-Gon tried to free Shmi, but Watto wouldn't have it, so she's still a slave. You know, in the next movie, Watto does end up selling Shmi. Since Shmi is unable to go with them, Anakin says his goodbyes. And I have to say, that this is a really well-done scene.
Anakin Skywalker: I can't do it, Mom. I just can't do it.
Shmi Skywalker: Ani.
Anakin Skywalker: Will I ever see you again?
Shmi Skywalker: What does your heart tell you?
Anakin Skywalker: I hope so. Yes. I guess.
We cut back to Sean, who's trying to hold back his tears from watching this emotional scene between Anakin and Shmi.
Anakin Skywalker: I will come back and free you, Mom. I promise.
Shmi Skywalker: Now, be brave and don't look back. Don't look back.
(John Williams' music score starts up right when Anakin leaves)
"Excuse me for a second, I think I got something in my eye. I need to get a tissue… and call my Mom." Sean said as he leaves the living room to grab a tissue.
Sean: (Narrating) I mean, holy shit! That scene must be one of the saddest moments ever in the film. Props to Jake Lloyd and Pernilla August for their performance on this scene. You can actually believe that their mother and son. Tell me while watching that scene, you didn't start crying right when Anakin says his goodbyes to his mother.
"I haven't cried that much since Avengers: Endgame right when…" Sean said and immediately stops talking right when he was about to drop a huge spoiler in the movie. "No, no. I'm not going to spoil Endgame. I don't want millions of readers trying to disembowel me for spoiling the movie."
Sean: (Narrating) Anakin and Qui-Gon run to the Queen's ship in the outskirts, when suddenly Darth Maul arrives to capture the Queen and a brief lightsaber duel erupts between the two of them until Anakin and Qui-Gon make their escape.
Sean: (v/o as Darth Maul after he see the ship flying away) Next time, Neeson. Next time.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: What was it?
Qui-Gon Jinn: I'm not sure, but it was well-trained in the Jedi arts.
(R2-D2 beeps)
Qui-Gon Jinn: My guess is it was after the queen.
Anakin Skywalker: What are we gonna do about it?
Qui-Gon Jinn: (Sighs) We shall be patient. Anakin Skywalker, meet Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Anakin Skywalker: (Shakes Obi-Wan's hand) Hi. You're a Jedi too? Pleased to meet you.
"He's going to kill you." Sean chuckled with a smile on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) Our heroes finally arrive in Coruscant, where we're introduced to two more characters of the movie. First up, Supreme Chancellor Valorum played by Terence Stamp.
(A clip from The Limey is shown)
Wilson (Played by Terence Stamp): You tell him… you tell him I'm coming. Tell him I'm fucking coming!
"What? You think I was going to use that clip?" Sean asked as he points to his right.
(A clip from Superman II is shown)
General Zod (Also played by Terence Stamp): Kneel before Zod!
Sean: (Narrating) And we're also introduced to a not-so-suspicious looking Senator Sheev Palpatine, played by Ian McDiarmid.
Senator Palpatine (Played by Ian McDiarmid): It is a great gift to see you alive, Your Majesty. With the communications breakdown, we've been very concerned. I'm anxious to hear your report on the situation. May I present Supreme Chancellor Valorum.
Chancellor Valorum (Played by Terence Stamp): Welcome, Your Highness. It's an honor to finally meet you in person.
(A clip from Superman is shown)
General Zod: You will bow down before me!
"Palpatine is the senator from Naboo… wait. He's having his own home planet invaded?" Brian asked.
Sean: (Narrating) We then come to what I have to say is like watching paint dry and I find it to be boring. We get boring political bullshit.
Senator Palpatine: The Republic is not what it once was. The senate is full of greedy, squabbling delegates. There is no interest in the common good.
"This is what we're dealing with people. We went from awesome lightsaber duels and podracing to boring-as-hell politics." Sean said.
Queen Amidala: Chancellor Valorum seems to think there is hope.
Senator Palpatine: If I may say so, Your Majesty, the chancellor has little real power.
Sean tries to stay awake while watching the scene, yawning a bit.
Senator Palpatine: The bureaucrats are in charge now.
Queen Amidala: What options have we?
Sean begins to drift off to sleep as he can't take how boring the scene is. While Sean is asleep. Taylor enters the living room and turns off the television just as Sean wakes up.
"Huh, what? Sure, I'll have the coffee cake." Sean said and sees Taylor. "Hey, Tay. What's up?"
"Oh, nothing. I see that you're reviewing The Phantom Menace." Taylor said as she picks up the DVD case.
"Yeah, I am." Sean said. "Uh, why did you turn off the television. What's going on?"
"Oh, nothing much. I have a little surprise for you." Taylor said.
"What kind of surprise?" Sean asked.
The blonde beauty gave Sean a naughty smirk as she points to where Sean was looking at as another woman with blonde hair and blue eyes walked down the stairs in only lacy baby blue bra and matching panties and white heels. The blonde woman was busty and she had tattoos on her waist as well. The woman was revealed to be adult film star Cali Carter.
"Oh, my God. You brought Cali Carter, one of my favorite porn actresses ever!" Sean exclaimed with a smile on his face.
"Hi, Sean. Taylor has told me that you needed a break from reviewing a bad movie and we've decided to give you a little something." Cali said as Taylor walked over towards her and stood next to her.
"Oh, man. I am sooooooo lucky." Sean said.
"Besides, I find you cute and your girlfriend really hot." Cali said as she touches Taylor's body.
"Go ahead, Sean. Tell me and Cali what to do." Taylor said.
"Wait, I can tell you two what to do?" Sean asked.
"That's right. We're making your fantasy about having a threesome with me and Cali Carter happening." Taylor said.
"Yes!" Sean cheered out. "Alright. I want Cali to kiss you right in front of me."
Cali and Taylor both smiled at each other. The busty blonde looked at Taylor's face, licking her lips from the sight of her kissable soft pink lips. Her face was nearing her's, moving closer and closer until….
Senator Palpatine: You could call for a vote of no confidence in Chancellor Valorum.
Queen Amidala: He has been our strongest supporter.
Senator Palpatine: Our only other choice would be to submit a plea to the courts.
Sean wakes up and sees that the movie was still going and the dream of having a threesome with Taylor and Cali Carter was only a dream, which pretty much upsets the young critic.
"GODDAMNIT! It was only a dream and this shit is still going on?! So much for having a Brazzers-style threesome with my girlfriend and my favorite porn star. Thanks a lot, George Lucas! Thanks a lot for ruining my dreams! You know what, I'm getting a sandwich and a beer. I'll be right back." Sean said as he got up from off of the couch to fix himself a sandwich. "Fucking film sucks!"
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to the Jedi Temple….
"I'm sorry. Fuck you, George Lucas! You ruined my dream!" Sean exclaimed while eating a roast beef and turkey sandwich.
Sean: (Narrating) Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan speak with the Jedi Council about their encounter with Darth Maul
Mace Windu (Played by Samuel L. Jackson): I do not believe the Sith could have returned without us knowing
Yoda (Voiced by Frank Oz): Ah, hard to see, the dark side is.
"And the Jedi Council consists of a non-CGI-looking Yoda and Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And really? You did not know that the Sith could have returned without you guys knowing. If you found out about it…
(A clip from Pulp Fiction is shown)
Jules (Played by Samuel L. Jackson): And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger.
Sean: (Narrating) Qui-Gon then tells the Jedi Council about Anakin and they agree to test him. Meanwhile, we cut to the Senate Building where Queen Amidala pleads her people's case to Chancellor Valorum and the Galactic Senate. And we get to sit through more boring political bullshit. Christ, I feel like I'm watching CNN!
Senator Palpatine: A tragedy has occurred which started right here with the taxation of trade routes, and has now engulfed our entire planet in the oppression of the Trade Federation.
"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Star Wars C-Span." Sean said.
(The C-Span logo pops up on the screen)
Queen Amidala: Honorable representatives of the Republic, I come to you under the gravest of circumstances. The Naboo system has been invaded by the droid armies of the Trade…
Trade Federation Representative: I object! There is no proof! This is incredible. We recommend a commission be sent to Naboo to ascertain the truth.
Sean: (Narrating) This scene takes forever. We have to sit through this long-ass political debate in the Senate just to get the Chancellor out of office.
Senator Palpatine: (On Chancellor Valorum) The true rulers of the Republic. And on the payroll of the Trade Federation, I might add. This is where Chancellor Valorum's strength will disappear.
"Look, to make this short and simple, here's what I will do to get Chancellor Valorum out of office." Sean said.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
Sean: Honorable delegates. Fellow senators, it's come to my attention that Chancellor Valorum…
Chancellor Valorum: Will you defer your motion to allow a commission…
Sean: Shut the hell up and let me finish. I have found some shady evidence involving the Chancellor. What I have here are photos of Chancellor Valorum and you will not like what you'll see here. It is not beautiful. I have here (pulls out a photo of Terence Stamp as General Zod with a machine gun in Superman II) is a photo of Chancellor Valorum killing Secret Service agents with a machine gun while going after the President. (Pulls out another photo. This time, it's a photo of Terence Stamp as the transgendered woman Bernadette Bassenger in the 1994 movie The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert is shown) In this photo, Chancellor Valorum moonlights as a drag queen!
(Senators murmuring and shouting. We then see Chancellor Valorum sitting down)
Senators: Vote now! Vote now! Vote now! Vote now!
Senator Palpatine: Now they will elect a new chancellor, a strong chancellor, one who will not let our tragedy continue.
Sean: Yeah, someone like you.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
"There! I fixed the movie!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Anakin is taking the Jedi test and he's passed with flying colors, but Yoda played by Frank Oz, senses something else inside the young lad.
Mace Windu: Be mindful of your feelings.
Ki-Adi-Mundi (Played by Silas Carson): Your thoughts dwell on your mother.
Anakin Skywalker: I miss her.
Yoda: Mmm. Afraid to lose her, I think, mmm?
Anakin Skywalker: What has that got to do with anything?
Yoda: Everything. Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.
"Huh? What? What?" Sean asked with a confused look on his face.
Yoda: Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.
"What the hell does that even mean?" Sean asked. "Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. You're not making any sense here."
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, the Jedi Council decides to not to train Anakin for several reasons. But why? What's the main reason given?
Mace Windu: He is too old.
"He is too old? The kid is nine-years-old. Fucking nine! How can you not train him? He's just a kid. It's just like me buying a six-pack of Heineken but the cashier couldn't ring it out for me because I'm too old to buy it. You Jedi are not making any sense here." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Qui-Gon wants to train Anakin but the code forbids him to take on a second Padawan. Why couldn't he just take on a second Padawan? Obi-Wan is ready. See, it's idiots like you guys I just want to slap in the face. But now is not the time because Queen Amidala wants to return to Naboo to free her people and she needs protection. So, right when they were about to leave for Naboo, Qui-Gon regales Anakin about the tale of midi-chlorians.
Qui-Gon Jinn: Midi-chlorians are a microscopic life-form that resides within all living cells.
"Oh, this is bullshit! You can kiss my ass, George Lucas. That's right, you can kiss my natural black ass! Does anybody remember this from The Empire Strikes Back?" Sean asked.
(A clip from The Empire Strikes Back is shown)
Yoda (Again performed by Frank Oz): (On the Force) Life creates it, makes it grow. It's energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter. You must feel the Force around you; here, between you, me, the tree, the rocks, everywhere, yes. Even between the land and the ship.
"In other words, George Lucas is pulling stuff from out of his ass and just throwing it in the movie." Sean said.
Anakin Skywalker: They live inside me?
Qui-Gon Jinn: Inside your cells, yes.
"Shut up, I don't even care." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After that bullshit tale about midi-chlorians, our heroes arrive on Naboo and asks for the Gungans for help and then we get this little bombshell when Padme reveals a little something about herself.
Padme: Your Honor.
Boss Nass: Whosa dis?
Padme: I am Queen Amidala.
Jar-Jar Binks: Huh?
Sean does a spit take after hearing that Padme is Queen Amidala.
(A clip from Impractical Jokers is shown)
Sal Vulcano: What the what?!
Padme: This is my decoy.
"And your decoy is Keira Knightley from the movies." Sean said.
Pirates of the Caribbean
Sean: (Narrating) She asks, well begs Boss Nass' assistance to help them against the Trade Federation. So, the battle against the Trade Federation is on the way as the Gungans position themselves outside of Theed to draw the droid army's attention while Padme, Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, Anakin and Captain Panaka… wait what?! Anakin? He's here with them instead of leaving him on Coruscant?
Qui-Gon Jinn: Once we get inside, you find a safe place to hide and stay there.
Anakin Skywalker: Sure.
Qui-Gon Jinn: Stay there.
"Qui-Gon, you do realize that you're bringing a nine-year-old into a goddamn war zone, right?" Sean asked.
Qui-Gon Jinn: Yes.
Sean stayed silent for a bit before talking. "You're a fucking idiot, you know that. I hope that something bad happens to you."
Sean's phone started ringing as the young critic picks up his phone, seeing that it's an unknown number before answering it.
"Hello?" Sean asked.
(A sound clip from Taken is heard)
Bryan Mills (Played by Liam Neeson): I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want.
"Hey, look. What you're doing in the movie was pretty idiotic in your part." Sean said.
Bryan Mills: But what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.
"Uh… uh… look, I'm very, very sorry. I mean, there's no need to threaten me like that. I apologize, Mr. Neeson." Sean said.
Bryan Mills: I will not look for you. I will not pursue you.
"Allow me to finish, I apologize that your character's a fucking idiot. And with all do respect, Mr. Neeson, you're not as tough as you act in your movies, you pussy!" Sean yelled out.
Bryan Mills: I will look for you, I will find you… and I will kill you.
Sean shrieks and ends the call after Liam Neeson threatens him. "Note to self: never bad mouth Liam Neeson."
Sean: (Narrating) After that blatant jump of stupidity costing me my sanity, Qui-Gon tells Anakin to stay in the cockpit of the Naboo starfighter as guess who shows up.
(The doors open, revealing Darth Maul)
(A sound clip from Lego Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Out is heard)
Darth Maul (Voiced by Sam Witwer) (Singing to Duel of the Fates) I am… awesome. Awesome. Awesome!
Qui-Gon Jinn: We'll handle this.
"Okay, so Queen Amidala and her soldiers head out to capture the Viceroy, leaving Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan to deal with the most awesome character of the franchise in what I have to say that this is the most awesome lightsaber duel ever." Sean said.
(Darth Maul pulls out a lightsaber, revealing it to be a dual-bladed lightsaber)
"Holy shit!" Sean exclaimed as his eyes widened in shock. "I've never seen anything like that. This is why Darth Maul is fucking awesome! He's more awesome than the kid who's going to grow up to become a hulking behemoth in a gimp suit." Sean said, mentioning Anakin becoming Darth Vader.
Anakin Skywalker: What?
Sean: (Narrating) Now, as much as I want to talk about this awesome lightsaber duel, complete with the epic Duel of the Fates track, but I got to talk about the other battles going on. We have the Gungans and Jar-Jar, who's promoted to general for some odd reason, taking on the battle droids and with him being inept in combat. Luckily, he didn't even kill himself while in combat but ends taking enemies out accidentally. While in space Anakin gets caught in the battlefield because of autopilot when a bunch of Naboo starfighters go up against the Trade Federation and Anakin ends up flying inside the droid control ship. And Padme leads the search for Viceroy Gunray. Anyway, let's get back to that tense lightsaber fight as we see Obi-Wan trying to catch up with Qui-Gon and Darth Maul.
(Darth Maul hits Qui-Gon in the face with his lightsaber, then mortally wounds him by stabbing him in the torso)
Obi-Wan Kenobi: No!
(We get a montage of different characters from the Star Wars movie like The Empire Strikes Back,Solo: A Star Wars Story, Revenge of the Sith, The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi are shown)
Luke Skywalker (Played by Mark Hamill): No!
Beckett (Played by Woody Harrelson): No!
Darth Vader (Voiced by James Earl Jones): Noooooo!
Rey (Played by Daisy Ridley): No!
Kylo Ren (Played by Adam Driver): NOOOOOO!
"Okay, that was the longest "Noooooo!" coming from Obi-Wan right there." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) With Qui-Gon kicking the bucket, Obi-Wan is going to have a tough time dealing with the dangerous Sith apprentice. We see that things aren't looking too good as Jar-Jar and the Gingans surrender to the Trade Federation and Padme and Panaka and their team get captured by Viceroy Gunray until her decoy comes in and saves the day and they end up capturing Gunray. Anyway, back to Ani as he suddenly destroys the main reactor of the Federation droid control ship, deactivating the droid army in the process and saving Jar-Jar's life. What a surprise. Back with Obi-Wan, he's having a devil of a time dealing with Darth Maul until…
(Obi-Wan uses the Force to propel himself from out of the pit and equips himself Qui-Gon's lightsaber, then bisects Darth Maul. The two separate pieces of Darth Maul fall into the shaft)
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(Sean, who is playing a janitor, is busy sweeping the floor until the two separate pieces of Darth Maul land on the ground)
Sean: What the? I got to get that transfer to Coruscant.
(Sean starts sweeping up Darth Maul)
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
"Oh, I'm sure that he'll fine." Sean said, mentioning Darth Maul surviving.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, happy ending! Nute Gunray is arrested, Palpatine is elected as the new supreme chancellor and Obi-Wan and Yoda meet up to discuss about him taking Anakin as his apprentice because the plot says so, then we cut to Qui-Gon's funeral.
Anakin Skywalker: What will happen to me now?
Obi-Wan Kenobi: The council have granted me permission to train you. You will be a Jedi, I promise.
"Oh, yeah. He will be a Jedi, the most brutal Jedi ever." Sean said.
Mace Windu: There's no doubt the mysterious warrior was a Sith.
Yoda: Mmm. Always two there are. No more, no less. A master and an apprentice.
Mace Windu: But which was destroyed? The master or the apprentice?
(The camera pans over to Senator Palpatine)
"I got my eye on you Palpatine." Sean said, pointing at the camera.
Sean: (Narrating) And the film ends as Queen Amidala presents a gift to Boss Nass and the Gungans and Boss Nass proclaims…
Boss Nass: Peace!
Jar-Jar Binks: Ya-hoo!
(The cheering continues. Padme looks over at Anakin. Anakin smiles at Padme and Padme smiles back at him)
"Ohhhhh, when he gets older she's definitely going to be playing with his lightsaber in bed. If you know what I mean." Sean winked at the camera naughtily. "Also, he's gonna kill you."
(The film ends with "Written and Directed by GEORGE LUCAS" on the screen)
"And that was Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace and I'm gonna level with you guys, I think it was an okay-ish film." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) Let's start with the positives first: the action was awesome, John Williams' score was epic, the visual effects are amazing for a film made in 1999. And yes, the film has the most badass villain ever. Let's not forget Liam Neeson and Ewan McGregor's performances as Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi. There are a lot of neat landscapes in this and the worlds are both creative and beautiful to look at like Naboo and Coruscant. Now, let's talk about what needs to be improved. Jar-Jar can be quite annoying, I don't have a problem with Jake Lloyd, he gives a really great performance in my opinion but how Anakin is written, I just felt that George Lucas needed to do better. And it can get boring at times as well but I can find it seem interesting just to see Palpatine being a master manipulator at work. Now, a lot of you might ask me if I hate this movie, I don't. I loved most of it even though it can annoy me at times but I still loved it. I don't think it's the worst of all the prequels. In fact, the award for the one being the worst in the series is Attack of the Clones and trust me, we'll get to that trainwreck soon enough. If you're the rare part of Star Wars fans that like this movie, enjoy it. That's why I'm giving The Phantom Menace 3 duel-bladed lightsabers out of 5.
"Well, that's all the time we have. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic. And I'll see you guys next time. And let's not think about midi-chlorians." Sean said.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Are you an angel?
And that's all for The Mayhem Critic review of The Phantom Menace. I hope that you all enjoyed reading this. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, it's that time again. That's right, Sean is going to take a look at more commercials in Commercials II: Attack of the Commercials. Then after Commercials II, Sean reviews the 1998 film Godzilla in honor of the upcoming movie Godzilla: King of the Monsters. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. If you want to assist me in Commercials II, feel free to help out. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.