The Mayhem Critic
Good evening, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious and great chapter of The Mayhem Critic. When we last left off, Sean the Mayhem Critic kicked off The Summer of Star Wars by reviewing Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones, also known as Attack of the Groans, a movie that tells the pointless love story about a Padawan and a senator. It sucked but it had some good moments in it. Today, I'm doing a co-review of Revenge of the Sith with fellow writer Boris Yeltsin and we find out if it's the better movie in the prequel trilogy. So, let's finish up the prequel trilogy in The Summer of Star Wars. Sit back, relax and enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith is owned by Twentieth Century Fox, Lucasfilm LTD. and Walt Disney Pictures.
The Summer of Star Wars Part II
Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
Sean J. Archer, aka the Mayhem Critic sat on his couch in his living room once more getting ready to talk about today's film. "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. Today, we're starting part two of…"
"THE SUMMER OF STAR WARS!" Sean said in a deep voice via hologram before cutting back to him in his living room. "And joining me with today's review is my good friend, Brian."
"Hey, guys. Thanks for having me here today." Brian said.
"No problem." Sean said. "Alright, today we're going to be finishing off the prequel trilogy with what could be the best film in the prequel trilogy. And that film is Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith."
Sean's cat Riley starts meowing after Sean says the title.
"You're damn right!" Sean exclaimed.
(The title of the movie is shown along with clips from the movie)
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, the prequel trilogies have had their ups and downs. For me, it's like a nice juicy steak.
"With Episode I, it's in between rare and well-done. It's medium-rare, so I quite enjoyed it. With Episode II, it's not well-done, not medium-rare, it's not rare but something else." Sean said.
(A clip from Hell's Kitchen is shown)
Gordon Ramsay: Raw! Raw, raw! Shit! Fucking shit!
"Thank you, Chef Ramsay." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) With Episode III, some people prefer their steaks a little well done. It's good.
"The movie has it's flaws, but overall it's good." Brian said.
Brian: (Narrating) Released in theaters on May 19th, 2005. Revenge of the Jedi is the third and final installment in the Star Wars prequel trilogy. After the releases of The Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones, Episode III came out as everyone was looking forward to the conclusion of the prequel trilogy.
Sean: (Narrating) The title "Revenge of the Sith" is a reference to Return of the Jedi's original title "Revenge of the Jedi", but George Lucas changed the title to "Return", declaring that Jedi do not seek revenge. In Revenge of the Sith, this tells how the Republic became the Galactic Empire and how Anakin turned to the dark side and became Darth Vader and the fall of the Jedi Council.
Brian: (Narrating) When we saw the theatrical trailer for this movie, we were expecting to see Darth Vader, we were two films in and we finally got it. The wait was finally over. After the film was released, the reviews for the movie were positive reviews, some had mixed reviews for this movie.
Sean: (Narrating) And there are some people think that suck. I'm talking about you Mr. Plinkett.
(A clip from Mr. Plinkett's review of Revenge of the Sith was shown)
Mr. Plinkett: Star Wars Episode III is the most disappointing thing since Star Wars Episode II.
"Look, even though it's a good movie, there's still some dumb moments in it." Sean said.
"Shall we?" Brian asked while opening a bottle of beer.
"Well, let's finish up the prequel trilogy. This is Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith." Sean said.
(The movie starts with "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...", but instead it says "A long time ago before Nickelodeon rebooted All That…")
Sean: (Narrating) A long time ago before Nickelodeon rebooted All That, our movie opens with the traditional text scroll. We learn that there's a war going on. The Republic is crumbling under attacks by Count Dooku. There are heroes on both sides.
Brian: (Narrating) "On both sides…", who wrote this opening text Donald Trump?
(A clip from Donald Trump's press briefing from 2017 is shown)
Donald Trump: Very fine people, on both sides.
"I know Sith, I know many Sith Lords. They're very fine people, on both sides." Sean said, imitating President Trump.
Brian: (Narrating) Anyway, the action starts right away as we see Anakin and Obi-Wan caught up in a battle over Coruscant.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that the two of them are on a mission to save a kidnapped Chancellor Palpatine. You might've noticed that Anakin is now a full-fledged Jedi knight and the fact that his hair is now longer it means that some considerable time has passed. And he's also sporting a scar on his face. And you know, it's nice to see the best starfighter in the galaxy showing off what he can do.
(Anakin easily destroys two missiles that were headed for his way after spinning around like a corkscrew)
Anakin Skywalker (Played by Hayden Christensen): (Chuckles) We got 'em, R2.
(R2-D2 beeps and whistles)
Sean: (Narrating) And as for Obi-Wan, he shows us what a shit flyer he is when buzz droids land on his ship. Luckily, Anakin is there to…
(Anakin starts shooting the buzz droids off of Obi-Wan's starfighter, but then he ends up hitting the wing)
Obi-Wan Kenobi (Played by Ewan McGregor): Oh! In the name of-
"Try to kill him in the first five minutes of the film. See? This is why you hate flying, Obi-Wan." Sean said.
Brian: (Narrating) But Anakin manages to deal with the buzz droids and our two heroes crash land into the hangar bay of the general's command ship and deal with a few remaining battle droids. After a few actions sequences and some comedic banter from the two of them, we're introduced to the new villain of the film, the leader of the Separatist Droid Army named General Grievous voiced by Matthew Wood.
(General Grievous enters the bridge and starts coughing)
"All of a sudden, he sounds like he's gotten lung cancer." Sean said.
(A clip from Star Wars: Clone Wars is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Actually, the reason why he's coughing like that was because in Chapter 25 of Star Wars: Clone Wars, Mace Windu here force crushed General Grievous' chest plates that protected his organs. Yes, General Grievous made his first appearance in Star Wars: Clone Wars.
"Not Star Wars: The Clone Wars, we're talking about the original Star Wars miniseries that was done by Samurai Jack creator Genny Tartakovsky." Sean said.
"Man, he loses all credibility after hearing him cough like that from smoking." Brian said.
(A vintage Star Wars smoking PSA with C-3PO and R2-D2 is shown)
C-3PO: Smoking does dreadful things to your lungs to your lungs and is very bad for your heart.
(We cut to General Grievous coughing)
C-3PO: You knew smoking is bad for your health and it isn't grown up at all.
(We cut back to General Grievous coughing some more)
C-3PO: (V/O) So please don't smoke.
(We cut once more to General Grievous coughing)
Brian: (Narrating) Anakin and Obi-Wan make their way through the ship and they reach Chancellor Palpatine, who looks conspicuously unguarded. But it's not long until Count Dooku, once again played by the late Christopher Lee, shows up to join in on the fun.
Chancellor Palpatine (Played by Ian McDiarmid): Get help. You're no match for him. He's a Sith lord.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Chancellor Palpatine, Sith lords are our speciality.
"That's easy for you to say because in the last film you two got your asses kicked by that old man." Sean said.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: You won't get away this time, Dooku.
(Obi-Wan and Anakin ignite their lightsabers while Dooku does the same and they start their lightsaber duel)
Count Dooku (Played by the late Christopher Lee): I've been looking forward to this.
Anakin Skywalker: My powers have doubled since the last time we met, Count.
Count Dooku: Good. Twice the pride, double the fall.
Sean: (Narrating) We then get a three-way… (Clears his throat) Let me rephrase this. A three-way lightsaber duel between Obi-Wan, Anakin and Count Dooku.
Brian: (Narrating) Dooku knocks Obi-Wan out so it can be just him and Anakin.
Count Dooku: I sense great fear in you, Skywalker. You have hate. You have anger. But you don't use them.
Sean: (Narrating) Anakin and Count Dooku continue to have their lightsaber duel until Anakin manages to disarm Dooku by cutting off his hands and have him on his knees so he can beg for his life.
Chancellor Palpatine: Good, Anakin. Good. (Chuckling) Kill him.
(Dooku looks at Palpatine in shock)
Chancellor Palpatine: Kill him now.
Anakin Skywalker: I shouldn't.
Chancellor Palpatine: Do it.
(Anakin decapitates Count Dooku)
"Wow, that took some convincing." Brian said.
"Yeah, all it takes was to have some creepy old guy telling him to "Do it."." Sean said, imitating Emperor Palpatine.
Sean: (Narrating) Is it just me or do the words "Do it" sound very motivational these days? Can you imagine Chancellor Palpatine as the spokesperson for Nike.
(A Nike commercial Just Do It Commercial is shown. Right after the name Nike is shown, we see Chancellor Palpatine pop up from the left corner)
Chancellor Palpatine: Do it.
"No wonder this guy's a politician." Sean said.
Brian: (Narrating) Really? Is this really how you're giving the send-off to Count Dooku. I mean come on, Christopher Lee on his knees and at the mercy of Hayden Christensen? In the original script, Count Dooku begs for his life. But Christopher Lee told George Lucas that it wasn't in line with the character. That's a biggest insult to fans of Christopher Lee.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, it's time to get a move on and when Anakin tries to grab Obi-Wan, Chancellor Palpatine tells Anakin to leave Obi-Wan's dumb ass, but Anakin is not ready to go far into the dark side just yet.
Brian: (Narrating) Now, all they have left is to get off the ship before it's destroyed.
(As they run down the hall, they end up getting trapped in ray shields)
Anakin Skywalker: Ray shields.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Wait a minute. How did this happen? We're smarter than this.
"Really? You didn't think it would be that easy, did you?" Sean asked.
(A clip from The Dark Knight Rises is shown)
CIA Op (Played by Aiden Gillen): Was getting caught part of your plan?
Anakin Skywalker: Yes.
CIA Op: Well, congratulations! You got yourself caught! Now what's the next step in your master plan?
(R2 comes skidding across the hallway squealing and bashes into the opposite wall. R2 sputters and squeaks)
Anakin Skywalker: See? No problem.
Brian: (Narrating) They're soon taken to Grievous, who it's revealed as A: been killing Jedi. B: has learned how to use lightsabers. And C: takes the lightsabers of Jedi he kills as trophies.
General Grievous (Voiced by Matthew Wood): Your lightsabers will make a fine addition to my collection.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Not this time. And this time, you won't escape.
Anakin Skywalker: R2.
(R2 creates a distraction by going haywire as Obi-Wan and Anakin retrieve their lightsabers to break free)
"Wow, R2 went haywire like my old Macbook laptop." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After taking out two of Grievous' IG-100 MagnaGuard droids and a few other battle droids in the ensuing chaos, Anakin and Obi-Wan close in on Grievous, but the general says "Screw you guys, I'm going home" and uses the MagnaGuard's electrostaff to smash the window and finds himself an escape pod and launches all of the escape pods, and now it's up to Anakin to land this flagship into Coruscant, but then half of the ship starts breaking apart.
(R2 beeps: "Uh-oh")
Anakin Skywalker: We lost something.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Not to worry. We are still flying half a ship.
"Shit, dude. Have you ever played Halo 3? Have you seen the ending of it?" Sean asked.
Brian: (Narrating) Anakin attempts for crash land the ship down on Coruscant. I know he makes a safe landing and ends up destroying a control tower. At least everyone is alright.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Another happy landing. (Chuckles)
(We hear the audience laughing)
"And cue the sitcom intro." Brian said.
(We get a sitcom intro in the style of the 1980s sitcom Perfect Strangers. We see the title "Perfect Strangers: Coruscant", the theme song to Perfect Strangers starts playing with different clips of Anakin and Obi-Wan. The intro end with the words "Executive Producer GEORGE LUCAS")
Sean: (Narrating) So, the mission is a success as Chancellor Palpatine and Mace Windu agree to make finding Grievous their highest priority. While Anakin is busy talking to Senator Bail Organa, he sees Padme and she greets him with open arms and the two kiss in the shadows of the Senate office building. Uh, you do know that people in the Senate could see you, right? So, why are you kissing? Oh, and their keeping their love a secret. God, I'm dying to make an Atlantic Starr joke right about now.
Anakin Skywalker: I've missed you, Padme.
Padme (Played by Natalie Portman) There were whispers that you'd been killed.
Anakin Skywalker: I'm all right. It feels like we've been apart for a lifetime.
"Oh, Christ. Do we have to sit through this pointless romance again? Because it's driving me to drink." Sean said as he pulls out a flask filled with whiskey.
Brian: (Narrating) Aside from their happy reunion and keeping their marriage a secret, Padme has some news to share with Anakin.
Anakin Skywalker: What's going on?
Padme: Something wonderful has happened. Ani, I'm pregnant.
"Question: do they have contraception in the Star Wars universe? I mean sex was something never explored in Star Wars. And no, we're not talking about the countless Star Wars porn parodies, those do not count. Haven't you noticed some sexual undertones in this series? Listen to the dialogue. I hate to sound like a conspiracy theorist but is it just me or does the Star Wars writers have dirty minds by throwing in as many sexual innuendos as possible? Just listen." Sean said.
(A clip from Star Wars: A New Hope is shown)
Wedge Antilles (Played by Denis Lawson): Look at the size of that thing.
(A clip from Solo: A Star Wars Story is shown)
Han Solo (Played by Alden Ehrenreich): I came as fast as I could, buddy.
(A clip from Return of the Jedi is shown)
Luke Skywalker (Played by Mark Hamill): Come with me.
(A clip from Star Wars: The Force Awakens is shown)
Rey (Played by Daisy Ridley): I'm never touching that thing again.
(Another clip from A New Hope is shown)
Princess Leia Organa (Played by the late Carrie Fisher): You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought.
(Another clip from Return of the Jedi is shown)
Han Solo (Played by Harrison Ford): Backdoor, huh? Good idea!
(A clip from The Empire Strikes Back is shown)
Luke Skywalker: I can't, it's too big.
(A clip from Star Wars Rebels is shown)
Hondo Ohnaka (Voiced by Jim Cummings): My big purple friend.
"Hey, now. I don't want hear anything about Hondo's big purple friend." Sean said.
(Another clip from A New Hope is shown)
Han Solo: (To Chewbacca) Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!
"Okay, we get it." Brian said.
(Another clip from The Empire Strikes Back is shown)
Yoda (Played by Frank Oz): Judge me by my size, do you?
"Stop it." Sean said.
(Another clip from A New Hope is shown)
Luke Skywalker: Wedge, pull out. You're not doing any good back there.
"Stop!" Brian exclaimed.
(Another clip from Return of the Jedi is shown)
Darth Vader (Played by David Prowse and voiced by James Earl Jones): I have felt him, my master.
"STOP!" Sean yelled out. "Goddamn it! Enough, we get it!"
Sean: (Narrating) With a beautiful wife and the news about him being a father, I'm sure things for Anakin are going to turn out fine.
(We get a dream, which shows Padme crying and in pain, then we hear a baby crying. Anakin then wakes up from the dream, learning about his wife's fate)
"Or maybe not. Maybe the grim reaper will go after Padme and the baby." Sean said.
Brian: (Narrating) Anakin has a premonition that Padme will die from childbirth. Shaken from the dream, he goes to sit and… (Brian sees that Anakin is sitting in a living room with an open balcony) Uh, is that safe? They have a living room with an open balcony and you have all those flying cars whizzing right past you.
"Can you imagine standing out there and somebody causes an accident?" Brian asked.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see Brian and Cheryl standing out on an open balcony watching as the flying cars go whizzing right pass them)
Brian: (Looking up at the stars) Wow, look at how beautiful the stars look.
Cheryl: (Looks up at the stars as well) I know. So many stars in the sky. (Sees a flying car crashing into another and the car comes right towards them) Oh, look. There's an accident and the car is coming right towards us.
Brian: (Sighs) Well, at least we've spent the last time together looking at this amazing view.
(The flying car crashes into Brian's apartment and we see an explosion)
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) So after he tells Padme that she's gonna die in childbirth, Anakin vows never to let that happen to her.
"Here, let me make that happen." Sean said while pulling out a Remington MSR sniper rifle. "I'm gonna make that happen sooner or later. It's bound to happen."
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Anakin meets with Yoda to speak with him. Not about his secret marriage to Padme, mind you. But his generic problems with visions that he certainly does not like. Yoda's advice to the young Jedi…
Yoda (Voiced by Frank Oz): Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.
"Deal with it you will, motherfucker." Sean said as he imitates Yoda.
Brian: (Narrating) Not giving a crap if Anakin's wife live or dies, Palpatine requests Anakin's presence. This is where Anakin's path toward darkness begins and the chancellor's just the man to take advantage of it. So, he needs Anakin's help for something
Chancellor Palpatine: I'm depending on you.
Anakin Skywalker: For what? I don't understand.
"Welcome to politics, it's nuts." Brian said.
Chancellor Palpatine: Anakin, I'm appointing you to be my personal representative on the Jedi Council.
Anakin Skywalker: Me? A master? I'm overwhelmed, sir.
Sean: (Narrating) Chancellor Palpatine wants Anakin to be his personal representative on the Jedi Council so they can work together, but the thing is this only Jedi Masters sit on the Jedi Council, so they have to break the news to Ani.
Mace Windu: You are on this council, but we do not grant you the rank of master.
Anakin Skywalker: What?
"What? Dude, are you nuts?! Never say what in front of Samuel L. Jackson. Look what happened to the last guy who said 'what' to Samuel L. Jackson." Sean said.
(A clip from Pulp Fiction is shown)
Jules (Played by Samuel L. Jackson): (Points his gun at Brett) Say 'what' again. Say 'what' again, I dare you, I double dare you motherfucker, say what one more goddamn time!
Brett (Played by Frank Whaley): What?
(Jules shoots Brett in the shoulder)
Brian: (Narrating) Right after Anakin apologizes for his outburst and saved himself from having a lightsaber shoved up his ass by Mace, the council assigns Anakin to protect the chancellor, but he doesn't take his assignment very well.
Anakin Skywalker: They want me to spy on the chancellor? But that's treason.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: We are at war, Anakin.
Anakin Skywalker: Why didn't the council give me this assignment when we were in session?
Obi-Wan Kenobi: This assignment is not to be on record.
"Right. Quick question: if this assignment is so secretive then why are you two talking about it out in the open? There could be cameras all over the place and Chancellor Palpatine might be watching you right now." Brian said.
"I don't know, Bri. Maybe you're just being a bit paranoid. Maybe Palpatine won't catch on that Anakin is assigned to spy on him..." Sean said.
Chancellor Palpatine: They asked you to spy on me. didn't they?
Sean and Brian stay silent for a moment before Sean says something.
"To quote Revolver Ocelot from Metal Gear Solid "You idiot"!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, with Anakin and Padme, Padme senses something wrong with her husband and he starts turning into his whiny self.
Padme: Hold me. Like you did by the lake on Naboo. So long ago, when there was nothing but our love. (Anakin holds Padme in his arms) No politics, no plotting, no war.
"Remember when this film series was good without the sappy, cringy romance. Well, the original film trilogy's romance with Han and Leia was well done." Sean said.
Brian: (Narrating) After that lovey dovey nonsense between Anakin and Padme, Anakin joins Palpatine at the opera house when he tells Anakin that the Clone Intelligence Unit has discovered the location where General Grievous is hiding at, then he invites him to join him so they can have a private chat. And yes, he does ask Anakin that the Jedi Council asked him to spy on him because they're suspicious of the chancellor and they don't trust him.
Sean: (Narrating) And I have to say, this is the best scene in the whole movie. I mean, there are a few more scenes but this one is the best. It's beautifully shot and dripping with atmosphere. It's also well-acted. Ian McDiarmid just shines in this scene. This is the first time in the prequels something is given to the Star Wars mythos to make it more a mythos. Chancellor Palpatine tells him about the tale of Darth Plagueis the Wise.
Chancellor Palpatine: Darth Plagueis was a dark lord of the Sith so powerful and so wise he could use the Force to influence the midi-chlorians to create... life. He had such a knowledge of the dark side he could even keep the ones he cared about from dying.
Anakin Skywalker: Wh- what happened to him?
Chancellor Palpatine: He became so powerful, the only thing he was afraid of was losing his power. Which eventually, of course, he did. Unfortunately, he taught his apprentice everything he knew. Then his apprentice killed him in his sleep.
"Geez, I wonder who killed him." Sean said as a photo of Chancellor Palpatine pops up in between Sean and Brian.
Anakin Skywalker: Is it possible to learn this power?
Chancellor Palpatine: (Turns to Anakin) Not from a Jedi.
"Okay, how is Anakin not caught on yet? This old guy just told him about the Sith legend he's never heard of before, just revealed a power that's exclusive to the Sith. And one more thing... that goddamn head turn." Sean pointed out as the clip showing Palpatine doing his head turn. "No man that turns his head like that is up to no good."
"He would've caught on, if Palpatine wasn't so damn good at using the
force to mask himself." Brian said
Brian: (Narrating) Meanwhile, we see that the war is going on as Yoda arrives on Kashyyk to help the Wookies defend their planet against the droid army, while we learn that General Grievous is in Utapau, so how many Jedi do they send to capture General Grievous?
Ki-Adi-Mundi (Played by Silas Carson): Master Kenobi should go.
Yoda: I agree.
Ki-Adi-Mundi: Aye.
Mace Windu: Aye.
"What?! You're sending one? Just one Jedi? Shouldn't Anakin go with him? Are you idiots insane?" Sean asked.
"Obi-Wan's good but he and Anakin tend to work as a team." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anakin and Obi-Wan bid each other farewell before Obi-Wan heads down to Utapau to track down Grievous. He arrives in Pau City and meets a port administrator Tion Medon, played by Bruce Spence. He tells him that Grievous is here and is holding them hostage and that he's hiding out on the tenth level. So, Obi-Wan heads in on a varactyl and finds Grievous on the tenth level.
Brian: (Narrating) We see that the evil general is having a meeting with the Separatists, oh joy these guys again. Can they please just die already?
"And this is where we see Obi-Wan being a terrible strategist in battle when he does this." Sean said.
(Obi-Wan jumps down to surprise General Grievous and the battle droids)
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Hello there.
(Grievous and the battle droids turn around and see Obi-Wan)
General Grievous: General Kenobi. (Cackles)
"Obi-Wan, what the hell were you thinking? Why would you do something so reckless like this? By jumping from the rafters and surprising the one guy you're supposed to capture and you're surrounded by thousands of battle droids armed to the teeth. Jesus, Riggs from Lethal Weapon wasn't that suicidal. I can tell you this, if this happened in real life you would never make it." Sean said.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We cut to a warehouse and we see Sean and Brian playing two drug dealers about to send out a shipment of drugs to their buyers)
Sean: Alright, is that all of the Swank? Mr. Mendoza want it delivered by midnight tonight.
Brian: Yeah, that's all of it.
Sean: Good.
(Obi-Wan crashes through the ceiling as Sean and Brian stop what they're doing and point their weapons at him)
Brian: Who the hell is this asshole?
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Hello there.
Sean: Yo, kill that mother….!
(Sean and Brian both shoot at Obi-Wan, killing him)
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
"Yeah! You see what I mean? You are reckless!" Sean exclaimed.
(A clip from Attack of the Clones is shown)
Obi-Wan Kenobi: What?
Brian: (Narrating) After Obi-Wan takes care of the general's guards, we see Grievous in action.
Sean: (Narrating) Not only he wields only one lightsaber, nor two or three, he wields four lightsabers. Holy shit. Four lightsabers. This is going to be an awesome duel. You have a Jedi master going up against a general who's trained in the Jedi arts by Count Dooku.
(Obi-Wan cuts off one of Grievous' hands)
Sean: (Narrating) Oookay. Well, at least he's got three hands…. (Sees that Obi-Wan cuts off another one of General Grievous' hands) Oh, come on!
"What's the point of wielding four lightsabers with four hands if you're going to end up getting two of them cut off?" Sean asked.
Brian: (Narrating) Right when the two of them continue to duel, the clone army arrives to join in on the fun while Obi-Wan and Grievous battle in glorious…
(A clip from Ed, Edd N Eddy is shown)
Eddy (Voiced by Tony Sampson): Kankers!
Ed (Voiced by Matt Hill): Extreme close-up!
(We get an extreme close-up shot of Grievous' eyes and Obi-Wan's eyes)
General Grievous: Army or not you must realize you are doomed.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Oh, I don't think so.
(A clip from the Looney Toons short Duck Amuck is shown)
Daffy Duck (Voiced by the late Mel Blanc): A CLOSE-UP, YA JERK! A CLOSE-UP!
(The camera zooms into Daffy's angry bloodshot eyes)
Sean: (Narrating) After Obi-Wan force pushes him, Grievous gets away and Obi-Wan makes chase on Boga the varactyl and during the chase, this happens.
(During the chase, Obi-Wan drops his lightsaber, which Commander Cody happens to find during the battle)
Sean and Brian both look at the camera silently while Sean ends up making a facepalm after seeing Obi-Wan dropping his lightsaber, which he ends up pointing up to the ceiling, cuing the following clip to play.
(Another clip from Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones is shown)
Obi-Wan Kenobi: (To Anakin after he drops his lightsaber) Next time, try not to lose it. This weapon is your life.
(We cut back to Revenge of the Sith and we see the clip showing Obi-Wan dropping his lightsaber being played once more)
"Okay, all in favor for Obi-Wan being a complete idiot, say aye." Sean said.
Yoda: I agree.
Ki-Adi Mundi: Aye.
Mace Windu: Aye.
"Aye." Brian said, raising his hand.
"There, the ayes have it. Obi-Wan, you're a complete and total dumbass." Sean said.
(We see a clip of Obi-Wan shaking his head slowly)
Brian: (Narrating) Meanwhile, back on Coruscant, Anakin goes to deliver a message to Chancellor Palpatine to tell him that General Grievous has been found on Utapau. Then Palpatine is getting sick and tired of Anakin not taking a hint and drops the Sith Lord bomb on him.
Chancellor Palpatine: Anakin, if one is to understand the great mystery one must study all its aspects not just the dogmatic narrow view of the Jedi. If you wish to become a complete and wise leader you must embrace a larger view of the Force. Be careful of the Jedi, Anakin. Only through me can you achieve a power greater than any Jedi.
"Oh, my god! How fucking stupid is Anakin? How is he not catching on to this guy?" Brian asked.
"Anakin, here's a little lesson for you. If he looks like a Sith lord, talks like a Sith lord and acts like a Sith lord, then he's probably a Sith lord. You stupid wanker!" Sean exclaimed.
Chancellor Palpatine: Learn to know the dark side of the Force and you will be able to save your wife from certain death.
"And if you act now, I will teach you how to use force choke and how to force choke someone with your mind and the power to stop blaster shots with the palm of your hand." Sean said.
Chancellor Palpatine: Use my knowledge. I beg you.
Anakin Skywalker: (Draws his lightsaber and ignites it) You're the Sith lord.
"Really? You don't say?" Sean and Brian both said at the same time.
Chancellor Palpatine: Are you going to kill me?
Anakin Skywalker: I would certainly like to.
Chancellor Palpatine: I know you would.
Sean: (V/O as Palpatine) You naughty boy.
Chancellor Palpatine: I can feel your anger.
Sean: (V/O as Palpatine) It's turning me on.
Brian: (V/O as Anakin) What was that?
Sean: (V/O as Palpatine) Nothing! Nothing. Forget that I just said that.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Obi-Wan, we see that he's still chasing Grievous and right when the two of them end up on Grievous' secret landing platform, Obi-Wan does something stupid by going fisticuffs with this guy.
(Obi-Wan kicks Grievous in the leg and screams in pain)
"Really, you obviously think that was going to work by fighting this guy with your bare hands? He's like the Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz." Sean said.
Brian: (Narrating) But then Obi-Wan grabs a conveniently placed blaster with few shots to his heart, giving him a serious case of heartburn and then he says a line that really baffles me.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: So uncivilized. (Throws the blaster away)
"Oh, yeah. Blasters are so uncivilized. But lightsabers however…" Brian said.
(A clip from Return of the Jedi is shown as we see Luke cutting off Vader's hand with his lightsaber, then a clip from The Phantom Menace is shown as we see Darth Maul hitting Qui-Gon in the face with his lightsaber then stabs him. A third clip, this time the clip is from The Force Awakens showing Kylo Ren killing Lor San Tekka with his lightsaber, followed by a clip from The Empire Strikes Back showing Darth Vader cutting off Luke's hand with his lightsaber. Then another clip from The Force Awakens is shown as we see Kylo Ren injuring Finn with his lightsaber)
"Very civilized." Brian said with a smile on his face and giving a thumbs up.
Sean: (Narrating) Back on Coruscant, Anakin goes to speak with Mace about Chancellor Palpatine and him being a Sith lord and knowing the ways of the Force and has been trained to use the dark side. He warns Mace that Palpatine is very powerful and they might need his help to arrest him, but Mace tells him to stay out of this affair and wants him to wait in the council chambers for their return. And then we get this beautifully shot scene right here with Anakin and Padme.
(We see Padme looking at the window, then we get a shot of the Jedi Council in the distance. We cut back to Anakin, who's looking at the window as well with a shot of Padme's place while John Williams' music score is being played in the background)
"I got nothing bad to say about this scene. I just love how it's shot. With John Williams' music and seeing Anakin being conflicted, he has to choose between the Jedi Order or Padme." Sean said.
Brian: (Narrating) Anyway, Anakin rushes over to Chancellor Palpatine's office. But before he arrives, Mace Windu arrives with… (sees Agen Kolar, Saesee Tin and Kit Fisto with Mace Windu as they enter Palpatine's office) three Jedi?!
"Oh, no." Sean said.
Brian: (Narrating) You can't be serious. You're about to arrest the chancellor who's a powerful Sith lord and you take these three morons with you?
(A clip from A New Hope is shown)
C-3PO (Played by Anthony Daniels): This is madness.
"I don't get it. What is it with this council and their inability to send a right number of Jedi?" Sean said.
(Clips from The Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Just to be clear, in The Phantom Menace, you have an entire planet under siege from the clutches of the Trade Federation and the council sends two Jedi. In Revenge of the Sith, the council sends only one Jedi to capture the leader of the droid army in hopes of ending the war. In Attack of the Clones, how many Jedi did the council send to save the life of a captured Jedi? 212!
(Another clip from A New Hope is shown)
Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi (Played by the late Alec Guinness): Now the Jedi are all but extinct.
"Yeah, I wonder why. Because the Jedi are idiots!" Sean yelled out.
"4 Jedi masters. Still, they're out of their league." Brian said.
Mace Windu: In the name of the Galactic Senate of the Republic you're under arrest, Chancellor.
Chancellor Palpatine: Are you threatening me, Master Jedi?
Mace Windu: The senate will decide your fate.
Chancellor Palpatine: I am the senate.
Mace Windu: Not yet.
"Motherfucker, do you know who I am? I'm Superfly TNT, I'm the guns of the Navarone and I have had it with this motherfucking Sith in this motherfucking senate!" Sean exclaimed as he impersonates Samuel L. Jackson.
Sean: (Narrating) Palpatine refuses to go with the Jedi masters and he starts wrecking some shit.
(Palpatine kills Agen Kolar first by running his lightsaber through his chest)
Sean starts chuckling a bit at Agen Kolar's reaction. "Okay, what's with that first asshole there? He had his head turned like this like 'Huh?'." Sean said, turning his head back and forward. "And Palpatine slices him down. Why was that dipshit looking away for? Did Palpatine use the dark side on him like Quan Chi from Mortal Kombat or what was Kolar thinking?"
Brian: (V/O as Agen Kolar) Hmm, I wonder if I should write a Cheryl/Toni massage smut story for…
Sean: (V/O as Palpatine) Gotcha, bitch!
(Palpatine kills Kolar and we hear Homer Simpson's scream in the background)
"The original idea they had for him was to use Anakin's lightsaber." Brian said.
Brian: (Narrating) After easily killing the three useless Jedi masters, Palpatine goes up against Windu and Mace seems to fair better, thanks to top billing and he overcomes the evil Sith lord but Anakin ends up being the wrong guy in the wrong place at the wrong time.
(A clip from Die Hard 2 is shown)
John McClane (Played by Bruce Willis): (Sighs) The story of my life.
Chancellor Palpatine: Anakin, I told you it would come to this. I was right. The Jedi are taking over.
Mace Windu: The oppression of the Sith will never return. You have lost.
Chancellor Palpatine: No. No. No.
Sean and Brian both start laughing.
"Okay, Ian McDiarmid is having way too much fun with the character. Thank God, he's giving us our fix of ham." Brian said.
"He sounds like a toddler refusing to eat his food." Sean said.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(Adam and Lexi are about to feed Aaron)
Adam: Come on, Aaron. Eat your peas. You can do it.
Aaron: No.
Lexi: Come on, sweetheart. They're good for you.
Aaron: (With Palpatine's voice) No. No. No.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) But then Palpatine uses force lightning on Mace until the Jedi master deflects it on the evil Sith Lord, causing his face to look physically deformed. You know, that never happened to Luke when he used force lighting on him in Return of the Jedi. And then Palpatine starts playing the victim to get Anakin to join the dark side.
Mace Windu: I am going to end this once and for all.
"And you will know my name is the lord, when I lay my vengeance upon thee!" Sean exclaimed as he pulls out his green lightsaber.
(Mace prepares to deliver the final blow to Palpatine)
Chancellor Palpatine: Please don't!
Anakin Skywalker: (Yells) No!
(Anakin wields his lightsaber and intervenes by cutting off Mace's hand)
Chancellor Palpatine: (Smiles and shocks Mace with force lightning) Power! Unlimited power!
(Palpatine blasts Mace out of the window, sending him plunging to his death)
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see Sean, who's playing the same janitor from The Phantom Menace review, doing some sweeping until we hear the sound of Sean's cousin Samuel screaming)
Samuel: (as Mace Windu) Aaaah! That mother…!
(Samuel hits the ground and Sean stops sweeping, then looks up)
Sean: (Sigh and sweeps Samuel away) I gotta get that transfer to the Death Star.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Anakin Skywalker: (Horrified) What have I done?
"Isn't that what Hayden Christensen said when he did the movie Jumper and when he got engaged to Rachel Bilson?" Sean asked.
(A poster for the movie Jumper and a photo of Rachel Bilson from her Maxim photoshoot is shown)
Anakin Skywalker: What have I done?
"It's going to get darker, trust me." Brian said.
Chancellor Palpatine: Become my apprentice. Learn to use the dark side of the Force.
Anakin Skywalker: I will do whatever you ask.
Chancellor Palpatine: Good.
Sean starts laughing for a bit. "Okay, I have seen The Unusual Suspect's review of this movie and while watching this movie, I paused any of his scenes at any moment and it looks like he's midway through an orgasm. I'm not kidding. If you own the movie on DVD or on Blu-Ray at home, pause any of his scenes at any moment and you'll see that it looks like he's having an orgasm.
Sean: (Narrating) Hell, it looks like that Anakin is totally blowing him.
Sean: (V/O as Palpatine) The Force is strong… with you. (Groans) That's the spot, Ani.
Chancellor Palpatine: A powerful Sith you will become. Henceforth you shall be known as Darth Vader.
"Yeah. And why is he known as Darth Vader? Uh, George. Why is Anakin known as Darth Vader? You must have a reason for that. Either you or Rick McCallum said to us that we'll know why Anakin is known as Darth Vader. Got an answer for us?" Sean asked.
Construction Worker from Team Fortress 2: (V/O as the word "Nope" pops up on the screen) Nope.
"You suck." Sean said.
Brian: (Narrating) So, Anakin's a bad guy now with the Sith name Darth Vader as Palpatine gives him his first assignment, by launching an assault on the Jedi Temple.
Sean: (Narrating) And this is where we see Anakin the whiner growing some balls as he arrives at the Jedi Temple with a line of soldiers behind him. Holy shit! This dude is suddenly badass! I'm starting to like this character.
Brian: (Narrating) While all that is going down, Palpatine has some tricks up his sleeve when he broadcasts a command to the clone trooper when he executes order 66.
"And what's order 66? You'll see in 3, 2, 1." Sean said.
Commander Cody (Played by Temuera Morrison): Blast him!
(An All Terrain Tactical Enforcer fires at Obi-Wan, the blast knocks him and Boga off a cliff)
Sean and Brian: (Narrating) HOLY SHIT!
(We see many of the Jedi Generals including Ki-Adi Mundi, Aayla Secura, Plo Koon and Stass Allie being eliminated by the clone troopers)
"Yeesh, no wonder this one got a PG-13 rating." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) What can I say about the order 66 scene? It's surprisingly dramatic seeing characters that we've barely known getting killed. John Williams delivers another cracking score and the track Anakin's Betrayal is the best in the soundtrack. It's haunting, beautiful and sad all at the same time. Can you imagine without John Williams' music score, something else plays throughout the scene?
(The order 66 scene plays, instead of the track Anakin's Betrayal, the song You Can Do You performed by Logan Pepper, Daniel DiMaggio, Meg Donnelly and Julia Butters from the American Housewife musical episode is being played throughout the scene)
Sean picks up a blaster rifle and starts firing off-screen multiple times to stop the music. "Moving on."
Brian: (Narrating) But hey, at least Yoda managed to behead two of the clone troopers who were sneaking up on him. Boy, these guys are the dumbest stormtroopers ever. Back on Coruscant, the clone troopers assault the Jedi Temple, slaughtering any Jedi they see in their way while Anakin…
(A group of Younglings are discovered by Anakin)
Sors Bandeam (Played by Ross Beadman in an uncredited role): Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What are we going to do?
(With a cold, emotionless face, Anakin draws his lightsaber and ignites it)
Sean and Brian look on in shock at the scene.
"Jesus Christ!" Sean yelled out.
"Thank God it's off-screen. Still, you know what's coming and it doesn't make it any easier." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Aside from children being brutally murdered, Bail Organa once again played by Jimmy Smits, arrives at the flaming Temple as Commander Appo, voiced by Temuera Morrison, tells him that the situation is under control and tells him to leave or he'll kill him before he becomes the new President in the final season of The West Wing, then he witnesses the clone troopers killing the everloving shit out of a young Padawan. Great job, George. You killed off your own son in your movie. And so, it leaves him for the one face they can trust as he contacts Obi-Wan.
Senator Bail Organa (Played by Jimmy Smits): We have just rescued Master Yoda. It appears this ambush has happened everywhere. We're sending you our coordinates.
"You know, they're lucky that the message was not intercepted by their enemies. Look, they're trying to kill all of the Jedi and there's so many of them. You think they would keep better track of their frequencies? Guess this film shows how stupid Stormtroopers are." Sean said.
Brian: (Narrating) Back on Coruscant, Anakin returns home to a worried Padme and tells her that the Jedi are trying to take over the Republic and there are traitors in the Senate. Let's not mention the killing of children to her because she will freak out.
Sean: (Narrating) He then tells Padme that he's going to the Mustafar system, where the remaining Separatists have gathered so he can end the war. Hmm, I wonder why. Maybe going on a killing spree for Palpatine.
C-3PO: (To R2-D2) Well, he is under a lot of stress, R2.
(R2 beeps and whistles)
"Well, he had to release that stress by slaughtering children." Sean said.
Brian: (Narrating) Back with Obi-Wan, he arrives on Bail Organa's transport the Tantive III and meets up with him and Yoda and figure out what to do and their best bet is to go back to the Jedi Temple and learn what's going on. And while all that is going down, Anakin arrives on Mustafar, where he is greeted by Viceroy Gunray.
"God, please tell me he's going to kill that annoying bastard. I fucking hate that guy!" Sean exclaimed.
(Anakin traps the Separatists in the bunker)
"Oh, boy. I hope he does kill them." Sean said with a smile on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) Back on Coruscant, Obi-Wan and Yoda arrive at the Jedi Temple and they start taking out a bunch of clone troopers. Yep, definitely dumb stormtroopers. Then we cut to the Senate, where Palpatine is holding a special session when he tells them of the plot of the Jedi to overthrow the senate and that the remaining Jedi will be hunted down and defeated. Who cares?! I wanted to see the Separatist killing spree.
(We cut to Anakin, who's slaughtering everybody in Mustafar)
"Yes! Yes!" Sean cheered.
(We cut back to the Senate)
Palpatine: …the Republic will be reorganized into the first Galactic Empire!
Sean: (Narrating) Okay. The Republic is now the Galactic Empire. Can we get to the goddamn killing spree?
Padme: So this is how liberty dies. With thunderous applause.
"Okay, if you don't cut back to the fucking massacre, then somebody's gonna get massacred." Sean said as he pulls out his green lightsaber.
(We cut back to Anakin on Mustafar as he's about to kill Gunray)
Nute Gunray (Played by Silas Carson): The war is over. Lord Sidious promised us peace. We only want…
(Anakin kills Viceroy Gunray by slashing him across the chest)
"Oh, yes!" Sean cheered. "God, that's the best part. Let's forget about Anakin slaughtering children because this is a good thing he's done in the movie." Sean said.
"Best scene ever." Brian said.
"I know. Let's watch it again!" Sean said as he picked up the remote to play the scene one more time.
(The scene where Anakin kills Viceroy Gunray is being played over and over and over again)
"Anyway." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Obi-Wan and Yoda continue their investigation at the Temple and while checking out the security recordings, Obi-Wan sees some footage that's too unsettling for him.
"Unsettling footage? I think I know what it is, they're planning on doing a Christmas special with the prequels." Sean said.
"Nope." Brian said, showing it.
(Obi-Wan sees a recording of Anakin slaughtering a class of younglings and kneeling before Palpatine, much to his horror)
Obi-Wan Kenobi: It can't be. It can't be.
Emperor Palpatine: (On the security hologram recording) You have done well, my new apprentice. Now, Lord Vader go and bring peace to the Empire.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: (Turns the recording off) I can't watch any more.
"Well, he saw his former friend killing kids. So, can you blame him?" Brian asked.
Sean: (Narrating) And what's with Obi-Wan's reaction? Dude, show some emotion. (The Order 66 scene is shown and we see Yoda showing some emotion) Take a look at Yoda's reaction during the Order 66 scene. Look at how devastated he looks and listen to that tragic score. That's how you do it. And Obi-Wan's reaction…
Obi-Wan Kenobi: I can't watch any more.
"He made the same reaction that I made when I saw a porn parody of Star Wars." Sean said.
"Is that real?" Brian asked.
"Yes, it's real." Sean said.
"Oh, brother." Brian laughed.
Brian: (Narrating) Yoda tells Obi-Wan that they must destroy the Sith and Obi-Wan wants him to send him to kill the Emperor but he will not kill Anakin because he's like his brother. But Obi-Wan is not strong enough, so he has to go after Anakin while Yoda goes after Palpatine.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: I do not know where the emperor has sent him. I don't know where to look.
Yoda: Use your feelings, Obi-Wan, and find him you will.
"So, where does the first place he goes to find Anakin?" Brian asked.
Brian: (Narrating) He goes to visit Padme and asks for the whereabouts of Anakin on a bright and sunny day.
"What?" Brian asked as he removes a pair of sunglasses, then removes another pair of sunglasses from off of his face. "What?"
(A clip from The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon is shown, showing Harrison Ford doing a spit take)
Brian: (Narrating) Padme? You go to Padme and then you immediately tell her this.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Padme, Anakin has turned to the dark side.
"Uh, George. You can't just say that. That is such a big piece of information to reveal in dialogue. That's just too stupid. Let me give you a lesson on Filmmaking 101. What is the number 1 rule of filmmaking? Show don't tell. You had the right idea with how Obi-Wan discovered Anakin's betrayal because it's visual. And how does Padme find out about it? Obi-Wan tells her about it on a bright and sunny day in her living room." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, and here's some stupid dialogue from George Lucas. And if you thought that Anakin's sand line from Attack of the Clones was bad, then you haven't heard Obi-Wan's line.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: I have seen a- a security hologram… of him… killing younglings.
(A clip from Spider-Man 2 is shown, showing J. Jonah Jameson laughing)
Sean: (Narrating) Padme doesn't believe him. Well, of course. She's pregnant with his child and she refuses to tell him where he is. Screw it, let's move on. Padme departs for Mustafar to find her husband while Obi-Wan stows away on her ship so he can kill him.
Brian: (Narrating) Padme arrives on Mustafar…
(A clip from Dirty Rotten Scoundrels is shown)
Arthur (Played by Ian McDiarmid): Welcome to Hell.
Brian: (Narrating) …and she reunites with Anakin. And she learns the terrible truth about her husband.
Anakin Skywalker: I have brought peace to the Republic. I am more powerful than the chancellor. I- I can overthrow him. (Padme takes a step back away from Anakin) And together, you and I can rule the galaxy, make things the way we want them to be.
"She finds out, thanks to Palpatine, he's lost his mind." Brian said.
Padme: Obi-Wan was right. You've changed.
Anakin Skywalker: I don't want to hear any more about Obi-Wan. The Jedi turned against me. Don't you turned against me.
Padme: I don't know you anymore. Anakin, you're breaking my heart.
(A clip from The Simpsons is shown)
Homer Simpson (Voiced by Dan Castellaneta): Will you two shut up?! People are trying to sleep!
Sean: (Narrating) Padme begs Anakin to stop, but when he sees Obi-Wan doing his Wonder Woman impersonation, Anakin accuses Padme of lying to him and betraying him to his former friend, so he force chokes her, which Obi-Wan intervenes. Who knows? Maybe Padme is into this kinky shit.
"Oh, God. I hope there isn't any Anakin/Padme BDSM smut on Fanfiction involving her enjoying being choked during sex." Sean said as he goes on his laptop and much to his surprise, he finds an Anakin/Padme fanfic. "What the hell? Asking To Be Dominated. Padme dominates Anakin?! Oh, you guys are sick!"
"Moving on." Brian said.
(Music from The Good, The Bad and the Ugly plays)
Brian: (Narrating) And now it's master versus apprentice. Friend versus friend. Brother against brother. Coke versus Pepsi. It's the duel of the century. But first, Anakin has to get his pre-duel speech out of the way.
Anakin Skywalker: I see through the lies of the Jedi. I do not fear the dark side as you do. I have brought peace, freedom, justice and security to my new empire.
"Your new empire?" Sean asked.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Your new empire?
Sean's eyes widened for a bit as he stays silent while Brian just looks at him after Obi-Wan said the same thing as him.
Anakin Skywalker: If you're not with me, then you're my enemy.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Only a Sith deals in absolutes. (Wields his lightsaber) I will do what I must.
Anakin Skywalker: You will try.
Sean: (Narrating) And the two of them have their lightsaber duel with the most epic track ever being played. I have to say that this is one of the best lightsaber duels out of the series, aside from The Phantom Menace and Return of the Jedi. Back on Coruscant, Yoda confronts Darth Sidious and has himself a little duel with him.
Emperor Palpatine/Darth Sidious: At last the Jedi are no more.
Yoda: Not if anything to say about it I have.
(Yoda force pushes Palpatine)
Yoda: At an end your rule is. And not short enough it was.
"In other words, your ass I will kick." Sean said, imitating Yoda.
"MMM. But overconfident the Jedi have become." Brian said, also imitating Yoda.
Brian: (Narrating) So, Yoda and Palpatine have their lightsaber duel before we switch back to… (Sees Anakin grabbing Obi-Wan by the throat) Jesus!
(Anakin tries to Obi-Wan, but the Jedi master kicks him. Anakin gets back up and kicks Obi-Wan, he then charges at him before Obi-Wan kicks him)
"What the hell was that?" Brian asked.
(A clip from Solo: A Star Wars Story is shown)
Qi'ra (Played by Emilia Clarke): Teras Kasi.
"SHUT UP!" Sean and Brian both yelled out.
"Oh, brother." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, we have two duels going on. One on Mustafar between Obi-Wan and Anakin and one on Coruscant between Yoda and Palpatine. Even though Yoda could handle Count Dooku pretty well, Darth Sidious could be a handful for him and in that case, Yoda is in way over his head. After Yoda repels Darth Sidious' force lightning with the last of his strength, the blast knocks them the hell out, with Yoda falling to the Senate floor and waiting for the debris to clear out so he can make his escape.
Clone Trooper: There's no sign of his body, sir.
Mas Amedda (Played by David Bowers): Then he is not dead.
"Uh, do you guys realize which film series this is, right?" Brian asked.
"When Jedi die, they don't necessarily leave a body. In fact, when that specific Jedi dies he doesn't leave a body." Sean said.
Brian: (Narrating) Palpatine senses that his apprentice is in danger, as we cut back to Obi-Wan and Anakin before cutting back to Yoda, who escapes with Bail Organa and tells him that he's going into exile for his failing to defeat the Emperor and we cut back to Anakin and Obi-Wan where we see that this lightsaber duel intensifies.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: It's over, Anakin. I have the high ground.
"Oh, yeah. Well, Anakin's got the Higher Ground." Sean said, referencing the American-Canadian teen drama from 2000 that starred Hayden Christensen.
"Dude, really?" Brian asked.
"Hey, if The Unusual Suspect can make that joke, then I can too." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But hey, it's all fun and games until Anakin loses two legs and an arm. And then Obi-Wan makes his dramatic speech from the trailer.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: You were the chosen one! It was said that you would destroy the Sith, not join them!
"Yeah, well the prophecy lied to you." Brian said.
Anakin Skywalker: I hate you!
(A clip from Kramer vs. Kramer is shown)
Ted Kramer (Played by Dustin Hoffman): And I hat you back, you little shit!
Sean: (Narrating) Aside from losing three of his limbs, the fucker gets caught on fire. And what does Obi-Wan do? He just leaves him there to die. Damn, what a dick. I know that he tried to kill but don't leave him there to die. Anyway, Palpatine arrives and finds Anakin barely clinging to life.
"Which brings me to my next question: how the fuck is Palpatine not burning up from wearing that robe on a planet filled with lava? That's just like going to Antarctica wearing swim trunks and not getting cold." Sean said.
Brian: (Narrating) While Palpatine tends to his apprentice, we see that the vision of Padme's death is actually happening. So, we get a birth and rebirth happening as Padme gives birth to twins, a boy and a girl named Luke and Leia before dying. And with Anakin, we see that he's given a massive upgrade.
Sean: (Narrating) And thus, Darth Vader is born.
Emperor Palpatine: Lord Vader. Can you hear me?
Darth Vader (Voiced by James Earl Jones): Yes, Master. Where is Padme? Is she safe? Is she all right?
Sean: (Narrating) Palpatine gives him the bad news, that he indirectly killed Padme and this sends Anakin over the edge.
Darth Vader: NOOOOOOO!
"Theory I've heard about this scene. Look his vocal chords are gone, he can't talk, but a computer speaking for him can. He's trying to scream but it's not translated right." Brian said. "Anyone wanna back up that theory? Anyone? Huh?"
Sean: (Narrating) And yeah, you know that Darth Vader loses all credibility when he shouts out "NOOOO!". I bet ya test audiences thought that this was the most silliest thing ever saw on the face of the Earth.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see Sean, Brian, Cheryl and Taylor as the test audience watching the Darth Vader scene)
Darth Vader: NOOOOOOO!
(Adam, who's playing George Lucas. Pauses the movie and turns on the lights)
Adam: Well, what do you guys think?
Taylor: I don't know. I don't know what to think of this. Darth Vader shouting "No" after Palpatine tells him about Padme's death. I think it's a bit, it's a bit…
Cheryl: I have to agree with Linda, here. It is pretty silly. You can't have the galaxy's most feared Sith lord shouting out "No". You can't do that.
Adam: Ted, what do you think?
Brian: Yeah, I like it.
Sean: Yeah. You know that "No" shit? Yeah. I can get behind that shit.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Brian: (Narrating) Anyway, Vader now knows that he can only serve the Emperor now, thinking both his children died.
Sean: (Narrating) Which means the future of the twins. How will they keep them safe from the Sith. Well, split them up of course. In that case, we set things up for Episode IV and explain how everyone got where they ended up. First up, we have C-3PO and R2-D2 in the care of Captain Antilles.
Senator Bail Organa: I'm placing these droids in your care. Treat them well. Clean them up. Have the protocol droid's mind wiped.
C-3PO: What?
(R2-D2 beeps with chuckling beeps)
C-3PO: Oh, no.
"Uh, yeah. I guess it explains how C-3PO didn't know Uncle Owen when he brought him from the Jawas. Yeah, kinda doesn't explain how Uncle Owen doesn't recognize C-3PO when he brought him." Sean said.
Brian: (Narrating) Back on Naboo, we get a somber funeral for Padme, making her body to look like she's still pregnant just to protect her children and with the Galactic Empire, we see Vader, the Emperor and not Peter Cushing overlooking the construction of the ultimate weapon that can destroy…
"Dude! Don't spoil it!" Sean yelled out.
"Uh, you do know that people know that it's the Death Star, right? So, it's no need to say not to spoil it when they clearly saw the original trilogy." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) And the movie ends with Bail Organa and his wife adopting Leia on Alderaan. And of course Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru, Anakin's stepsiblings, adopt Luke. Have you ever bothered to change his last name? And I'm sure that Vader won't come looking for him on Tatooine because he hates sand.
(The film ends with Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru holding the infant Luke while looking out the horizon and watching the Tatooine's twin suns. We then cut to the end credits reading "Written and Directed by GEORGE LUCAS")
"And that was Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, tying up any loose ends. Well, except for Rogue One: A Star Wars Story but that's for another review. Anyway, that was Revenge of the Sith and it is a lot of fun to watch and it was awesome." Sean said.
(Clips from the film are shown while Battle of the Heroes plays in the background)
Brian: (Narrating) Despite it's flaws, it's still enjoyable. This is one that really felt like a Star Wars movie. You got betrayal, epic lightsaber duels, explosions and breathtaking visual effects. The movie was dark, gritty and dramatic and they really deserved that PG-13 rating.
Sean: (Narrating) A lot of things had to be done in this movie. Darth Vader had to be created, the Jedi Order had to be destroyed, the Empire had to be done and we can't spend two hours of boring-ass politics and Jar-Jar. This is a big improvement over Attack of the Clones. The visual storytelling is amazing. Sure, when I pop it in every once in a while, I tend to laugh at the silly scenes like Anakin and Obi-Wan's banter in the beginning of the movie and Darth Vader shouting "NOOOOOOO". The acting in this one is superb. And I know a lot of people are gonna give me shit for saying this but I enjoyed Hayden Christensen in this movie. Sure, he didn't surprise me with his line delivery but when he turns to the dark side, holy shit. But I hate to nitpick on a movie that I really like but Anakin's turn to the dark side was rushed, the dramatic moments tend to be silly and the my god, the dialogue. And the extensive use of CGI is used way too many times.
Brian: (Narrating) The movie has been regarded as the best of the prequels. Another thing I like about the movie was Ian McDiarmid. He's having way too fun with the role. Aside from the performances of Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman, Frank Oz and Ian McDiarmid, I also did enjoy Hayden Christensen as well.
Sean: (Narrating) The movie received positive reactions from critics saying that this is the best Star Wars prequel yet. Before the movie's release, there was a video game adaptation of the movie that was released the same year. Revenge of the Sith the video game came out on the PlayStation 2, Xbox, Game Boy Advance and the Nintendo DS. I remember playing the game on my PS2 and I tend to laugh at Anakin's death scream when he dies.
(A picture of Anakin pops up as his death scream from the video game plays)
Sean: (Narrating) As I look back on the prequels, I did find myself enjoy watching them even though they had their silly moments. And they showed us what to do and what not to do in in a Star Wars movie. With that said, Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith gets four slain Jedi Masters out of five.
"I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic." Sean said.
"And I'm Brian." Brian said.
"And I'll see you guys next time for The Summer of Star Wars when we take a look at the film that started it all." Sean said.
(The title screen for The Star Wars Holiday Special is shown)
Announcer: The Star Wars Holiday Special.
"NO!" Sean and Brian both yelled out.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- It's over, Anakin. I have the high ground.
And that's all for the Revenge of the Sith review. I know, it took me a while to finish it. Special thanks to Boris Yeltsin for co-reviewing the movie with me. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean takes a look at the film that started it all, Star Wars aka Star Wars: A New Hope. The first film in the original trilogy. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates for more reviews. Also, if you want to co-review any of the Star Wars movies with me for The Summer of Star Wars, feel free to PM me. Here are the movies that's coming up:
Star Wars
The Empire Strikes Back
Return of the Jedi
Star Wars: The Force Awakens
Star Wars: The Last Jedi
I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.