The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker here bringing you another awesome and hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic and The Summer of Star Wars continues. After The Summer of Star Wars, I will be reviewing Descendants 3 in honor of Cameron Boyce, I know some would like that. Today, Sean concludes The Summer of Star Wars when he finishes the original Star Wars trilogy with the final chapter Return of the Jedi. But hey, Sean isn't doing this one alone because special guest The Unusual Suspect joins him. So, let's see how the original trilogy ended before George Lucas messes it up with the prequel trilogy. So, sit back, relax and pour yourself an ice cold glass of lemonade iced tea and enjoy this review.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All material belong to their respective sources. Return of the Jedi is owned by 20th Century Fox, Lucasfilm LTD. and Disney.
The Summer of Star Wars Part 5: Return of the Jedi
We start off the show with a shot of Sean's red leather couch without him in it. Sean's cameraman Dave starts moving around the house as if looking for him; it goes into the hallway closet and he finds Sean standing in the closet hiding until he spots the camera.
"What are you doing?" Dave asked as Sean picks up Taylor's body wash.
"I found it!" Sean exclaimed, chuckling a bit while he holds the bottle of his girlfriend's lavender-scented body wash. "There's the body wash. I… needed… it… to… wash….up. Wanted to smell… girly."
"Are you hiding from him?" Dave asked.
"What? No. I'm not hiding from him. It's… just… OK, I really don't wanna do this. I mean, not with this guy. He's not right in the head! Screw it, let me do the intro!" Sean exclaimed as he heads downstairs to the living room and sits down on his couch. "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic. The critic that rips movies a new one. And welcome back to…"
The young critic gets up from off of the couch and walks over to the front door, opening it before speaking in a deep, booming voice. "THE SUMMER OF STAR WARS!"
A pizza boy is seen standing in front of the door holding a box of pizza.
"I have a delivery for Sean J. Archer. One extra large pepperoni pizza." The pizza boy said.
"Oh, right." Sean said as he grabs the pizza before closing the door. "Thank you."
"Uh, the pizza's $14.49." The pizza boy said.
Sean opens the door and hands the pizza boy a $20 bill. "Here, keep the change."
"Thanks." The pizza boy said before walking to his car.
Sean sits back down on his couch to start his review. "Today, we'll be taking a look at the third and final film in the original Star Wars trilogy, the mother of all adventures. Return of the Jedi."
(The title from the theatrical trailer is shown as well as clips from the movie while the track Sail Barge Assault by John Williams stars playing)
Sean: (Narrating) Return of the Jedi, the final chapter of George Lucas' epic space opera, was released in theaters on May 25, 1983. Episode VI grossed between $475 million and $572 million worldwide, garnering positive reviews from critic. The film was the most successful film back in '83 but it made less than The Empire Strikes Back. Return of the Jedi is like a well-cooked steak. Wait, didn't I say that about Revenge of the Jedi? It's a beloved classic and it's my favorite out of the original trilogy. This was the movie that I watched mostly when I was young.
"And I know that some of you will be ticked off at me but I find Return of the Jedi better than The Empire Strikes Back." Sean said.
Unknown Voice: (British accent) Are you out of your mind?!
"Who said that?" Sean asked.
"I did, you moron." The Unusual Suspect said.
"Oh, no. You?" Sean asked.
"You forgot that this is a crossover review. And we're doing this crossover." The Unusual Suspect said.
"Do I have to?" Sean asked.
"Hey, I was supposed to do a crossover review of The Empire Strikes Back with you but you did it without me. And saying that Return of the Jedi is better than The Empire Strikes Back, why would you say that?" The Unusual Suspect asked.
"Because it is." Sean said.
"People will end up calling you a "Blasphemer" for saying that." The Unusual Suspect said.
(More clips from the film are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Yes, I admit it. Return of the Jedi is my favorite in the series. There are some things that I love about the movie and yes there are some things that annoy me in the movie but we'll get to that one.
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) The movie was the first film to introduce the THX quality control program, with many theater varying in quality in terms of picture and sound.
Sean: (Narrating) The THX program was used for home cinema equipment and laserdisc.
"And for the young ones asking "What is THX?" Well, maybe this little parody of THX will describe what it is." Sean said.
(A clip from Tiny Toons: How I Spent My Vacation is shown parodying the THX sound system promo called THUD)
Announcer: The audience is now deaf.
(A clip from The Simpsons is shown)
Grampa Abe Simpson (Voiced by Dan Castellaneta): Turn it up! Turn it up!
"Had to use these two clips from Tiny Toon Adventures and The Simpsons." Sean said.
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) It's the big epic conclusion and the grand finale to Luke Skywalker's adventures and the war between the rebellion and the Galactic Empire, so a lot of loose ends had to be tied.
Sean: (Narrating) Let's talk about the film's production history. George Lucas financed the film himself and he was determined not to go over budget like he did with The Empire Strikes Back. During filming, the movie went under the fake title called Blue Harvest…
(The poster for Family Guy Presents Blue Harvest is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) You wish. No, not that one. They slate the movie as a cheap horror film in order to attract price gouging.
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) The film was originally titled Revenge of the Jedi because the film's producer Howard Kazanjian told Lucas that "Return" sounded like a weak title. So, they went with "Revenge" before Georgie Boy went back to "Return" because Jedi shouldn't be seeking revenge.
Sean: (Narrating) Lucas did consider to make the film darker. This was the era that he made Temple of Doom.
"Thank you, Marcia. Bitch!" Sean exclaimed.
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) So, you have George Lucas and Lawrence Kasdan writing the screenplay for the movie. Now, it's time to pick the director. George's first choice to direct Return was his buddy Steven Spielberg but because of their separate feuds with the Director's Guild, it led to him being banned from directing the film. His second choice was David Lynch, who directed Eraserhead and The Elephant Man, but he declined so he can direct the shitstorm of a movie called Dune. Then, his third choice was David Cronenberg, who's known for directing….
(A clip from The 1986 version of The Fly is shown, showing Seth mutating into a fly while we cut to The Unusual Suspect making a horrified look while watching that scene)
"Yeah, imagine that." The Unusual Suspect said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, no Spielberg, Lynch was out and Cronenberg was out. Who's going to direct the film now? Enter Welsh director Richard Marquand, who was known for directing the 1981 drama Eye of the Needle. A year later he directed the romantic drama Until September starring the ultimate bad-ass Marion Ravenwood herself Karen Allen.
(A picture of Karen Allen as Marion Ravenwood from Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) He directed two more films in the 1980s, the courtroom thriller Jagged Edge starring Jeff Bridges and Glenn Close and the Bob Dylan movie that killed him in 1987 called Hearts of Fire.
"I'm not joking. That movie literally killed him." Sean said.
"Oh, come on. You're acting like the guy died or something." The Unusual Suspect said.
(A picture of Richard Marquand is shown. We see that it says "In Loving Memory of Richard Marquand 1937-1987")
"Holy shit." The Unusual Suspect said.
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) I mean, goddamn. The guy died before his 50th birthday and I blame that Bob Dylan movie for killing him. Even though he died from a stroke. He's an excellent director and I honestly think that he did an excellent job directing the movie. And we'll talk about more in this review.
"Well, I know we've been talking about the movie's production history and the director. Well, let's take a look at Return of the Jedi to see how it all ends… before George Lucas screws it up with the prequels. Oh, and this is the despecialized version we're doing." Sean said.
(We see the words "Just yesterday and somewhere, around the corner…" on the screen)
Sean: (Narrating) Just yesterday and somewhere, around the corner, we get our traditional opening text scroll, letting us know that a bunch shit went down. Like Luke returning to Tatooine to rescue Han from Jabba the Hutt. But who cares? The only thing that is important is that the Empire is constructing a new Death Star that's bigger and more powerful than the original.
"I guess they needed to blow up two planets." Sean said.
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) This is a huge project for the Galactic Empire and when Darth Vader arrives in an entrance that will make a small child cry in fear, Moff Jerjerrod played by Michael Pennington, let's Vader know what's going on, but they're a tad bit behind schedule.
Moff Jerjerrod (Played by Michael Pennington): I tell you this station will be operational as planned.
Darth Vader (Played by David Prowse and voiced by James Earl Jones): The Emperor does not share your optimistic appraisal of the situation.
Moff Jerjerrod: But he asks the impossible. I need more men.
"Don't we all." The Unusual Suspect said.
Sean: (Narrating) Vader let's Jerjerrod know that the Emperor himself will be arriving, maybe that'll motivate Jerjerrod and the idiotic Imperial officers to get to work and stop being a bunch of lazy assholes.
Moff Jerjerrod: We shall double our efforts.
Darth Vader: I hope so for your sake, commander. The Emperor is not as forgiving as I am.
"Ah, yes. We all know about Darth Vader's calm demeanor and being kind to the Imperial officers." Sean said.
(We cut to various clips of Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back, showing Darth Vader choking Admiral Motti, Admiral Ozzel and Captain Needa)
"Did I say calm? I meant punishing them by force choking the life out of them." Sean said.
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) Anyway, back to Operation: Solo Rescue on Tatooine, we find our favorite droid duo C-3PO and R2-D2 are sent to Jabba's palace, where they are greeted by a bunch of pig guards and Jabba's assistant Bib Fortuna, played by Michael Carter.
Sean: (Narrating) What the hell? Why does his look like a floppy penis wrapped around his neck and two balls on his forehead?
Bib Fortuna (Played by Michael Carter): (Speaking Huttese) Day wonna wonga?
C-3PO (Played by Anthony Daniels): Oh, my!
"Geez, C-3PO is creeped out by that guy's head. Can you put a censor bar over that?" The Unusual Suspect asked.
"Sure." Sean said as he throws a censor bar over Bib Fortuna's head.
C-3PO: We bring a message to your master Jabba the Hutt.
Bib Fortuna: Day Jabba wonga?
(R2-D2 beeps)
C-3PO: And a gift. Gift? What gift?
"Some top shelf bud, man. Keep your voice down." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, they deliver the message to Jabba himself in all his grotesque glory. Jabba the Hutt is played by countless puppeteers and voiced by Larry Ward. I love this design of Jabba. They made him look like my Uncle Tony from Pontiac, Michigan.
"You should check out the other designs of Jabba. They were more grotesque than this." The Unusual Suspect said.
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) So, R2 plays the message from Luke Skywalker and what gift does he present him with?
Luke Skywalker (Played by Mark Hamill): These two droids.
C-3PO: What did he say?
"Poor 3PO, left out of the loop." Sean said.
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) The fat slug doesn't even care because he does not want to give up his favorite decoration who's on display. And that's Han Solo, who's still chilling against the wall.
Sean glares evily at The Unusual Suspect.
"What?" The Unusual Suspect asked.
"Hey, I handle the bad jokes around here, not you." Sean said.
"Sorry." The Unusual Suspect apologized as he bows his head down in shame.
Sean: (Narrating) So, Jabba keeps the droids anyway because he gets free shit. Oh, a little bit of some trivia about the droid pool sequence. The droid EV-9D9 is voiced by the film's director Richard Marquand.
EV-9D9 (Voiced by the late Richard Marquand): (To R2-D2) You're a feisty little one, but soon you'll learn some respect.
"And the droid being tortured is voiced by the film's sound designer Ben Burtt." The Unusual Suspect said.
Droid (Voiced by Ben Burtt): (While being tortured) No! No! No! Aaahh!
"That's right, folks. You just witnessed Wall-E being tortured. Question: why the hell is that droid screaming in pain? Droids aren't supposed to feel pain? Also, if you haven't noticed the hot rod isn't even touching the droid." Sean said. "Yes, I'm mentioning that part after you talked about it in your 10 Things 'Star Wars Ep. 4-6' Did WRONG video."
"Check it out, as well as my other Star Wars videos." The Unusual Suspect said.
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) We then come to… (Sees the Max Rebo Band playing Lapti Nek) What the hell is that? A musical number in a Star Wars movie?
"What the fuck am I looking at?" The Unusual Suspect asked.
"You're looking at the despecialized version, baby! That's right, we're not dealing with the special edition version of this musical number. But yeah, that Muppet alien singing looks weird and horrible." Sean said.
"But you want to know what's even more horrifying…. THIS!" The Unusual Suspect shouts and points at the camera.
(The 1997 special edition version with the Max Rebo Band playing Jedi Rocks is being shown)
We cut back to Sean who starts screaming in horror from the special edition version before cutting back to The Unusual Suspect, who's busy smiling and laughing at Sean.
"Ah, that made my day. That's for not doing a crossover with me on The Empire Strikes Back, bitch!" The Unusual Suspect exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) But it's not the horrifying Muppet or the band playing that Jabba wants to kill, oh no. It's that dancer named Oola, played by Femi Taylor.
(Jabba pushes a button, opening a trapdoor, sending Oola down to a pit)
"Hey, at least the special edition version ends that scene in a funny way with the music stopping and all like they've seen this happen before." Sean said.
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) We don't see what happens to her but I'm sure she's suffering from a horrible and painful death. He just killed the only sexiest alien in the galaxy.
Sean gives The Unusual Suspect a look.
"What? Twi'leks are sexy. It's better than looking at Wookierotica." The Unusual Suspect said.
Sean: (Narrating) Also, I would like to point out that the fat dancer looks a bit like that fat drunk brothel owner from Spartacus: Vengeance. (A picture of the character Arminius from Spartacus: Vengeance is shown) You know who I'm talking about. The fat guy that looks like Bertram from Jessie and he was watching some hot chick getting gang banged by some Romans and he was wanking off.
"Oh, come on now!" The Unusual Suspect shouted.
"Don't believe me? Watch the show." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But Jabba's day gets really better when a bounty hunter voiced by the late Pat Welsh, you know the voice of ET? This bounty hunter by the name of Boushh, arrives at the palace with Chewbacca as his prisoner and we see that Chewie over here has suffered the fashion trend of the 80s and we see that he's got a perm job since the last time we saw him in Empire.
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) Boushh wants to collect part of the bounty. He wants slightly more than 25, 000.
C-3PO: 50, 000. No less.
(Jabba growls and hits C-3PO. C-3PO screams and falls down)
"Geez, 50, 000 is a lot to pay someone. You think that Jabba would have that kind of money?" The Unusual Suspect asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Jabba asks why he has to pay that kind of money and Boushh has an ace up his sleeve, a freaking bomb!
(Boba points his blaster at Boushh while everyone panics)
"You better pay the man or you're all dead." Sean said.
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) Jabba likes Boushh's moxy and offers to pay him 35, 000. Boushh agrees to take the money while Chewie is being held prisoner in Jabba's palace. Later, Boushh returns to sneak into the palace while everyone is asleep and…
(Boushh accidentally walks into some chimes)
"Solid Snake you are not. Christ, you're lucky that no one haven't even killed you yet." The Unusual Suspect said.
Sean: (Narrating) Boushh walks over to the wall display of Han Solo and frees him. Problem is, after being free from carbonite there are some side effects like hibernation sickness and temporary blindness.
Han Solo (Played by Harrison Ford): Where am I?
Boushh (Voiced by the late Pat Welsh): Jabba's palace.
Han Solo: Who are you?
(Boushh removes his helmet, revealing to be Leia)
Princess Leia (Played by Carrie Fisher): Someone who loves you.
Han Solo: Leia.
"Turns out that it was Leia who was under the guise of bounty hunter Boushh. Well, that's part of the plan. Now, let's get the droids and Chewie and get the hell out of here." Sean said.
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) But before they leave, Han and Leia have a little problem.
(Jabba laughs)
Han Solo: What's that?
(Jabba keeps laughing)
Han Solo: I know that laugh.
"It's the 7-Up guy!" Sean exclaimed.
"That bastard!" The Unusual Suspect exclaimed.
(A 7-UP commercial from the 1980s featuring Geoffrey Holder is shown)
7-UP Guy (Played by the late Geoffrey Holder): 7-UP. Crisp and clean, no caffeine. Never had it, never will.
Singers: Don't you feel good about…
(7-UP Guy laughs)
Singers: 7-UP.
Han Solo: Look, Jabba. I was just on my way to pay you back. Then I got a little sidetracked. It's not my fault.
Jabba the Hutt (Voiced by the late Larry Ward): (Speaking Huttese) It's too late for that. Solo.
"Oh, yeah. That's right. Han got the money to pay back Jabba in the first film. I know that he sent Greedo to get him and then later on Boba Fett. Couldn't he just pay him back?" The Unusual Suspect asked. "By the way, he didn't spend the money on anything, did he?"
"If he did, then it would be for Life Day presents or babes." Sean said.
(We cut to a photo of Han Solo in his Endor outfit with other photos of different porn actresses like Molly Stewart, Cali Carter, Tiffany Watson, Sydney Cole, JoJo Kiss and Adria Rae pop up next to him with stacks of money appearing. Then the words "Must Be The Money!" pops up on the screen while the song Ride Wit Me by Nelly and St. Lunatics starts playing)
"What? It could happen. I would do the same thing." Sean said.
"Me too." The Unusual Suspect said.
(We then see a photo of Sean and The Unusual Suspect with different photos of porn actresses like Aidra Fox, Kira Noir, Kendra Lust, Cassidy Klein and Alli Rae pop up next to them with stacks of money while the song Ride Wit Me starts playing and the words "Must Be The Money!" pop up on the screen)
Sean: (Narrating) Han gets imprisoned again and then Jabba decides to channel his inner Harvey Weinstein on Leia.
(The audience boos at him)
"What? I can't make a Harvey Weinstein joke? Want me to make fun of Chris Savino? Because Jabba is channeling both of them." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, what was the plan again? Go in and free Han Solo from the fat slimy slug or go in and free him and end up getting caught?
(A clip from The Dark Knight Rises is shown)
CIA Op (Played by Aiden Gillen): Was getting caught part of your plan?
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) Well, it's time for Plan C, when a mysterious looking cloaked figure enters Jabba's palace and force chokes the living shit out of Jabba's pig guards. We then see Leia in that skimpy golden bikini...
"Thanks, George. Thanks for debuting every 13-year-old teenager's first erection." The Unusual Suspect said.
"Hell, the only one who debuted my first erection was Jenna Jameson when I was thirteen." Sean winked naughtily at the camera. "Plus, it was Ross Gellar's fantasy to see Rachel in that slave outfit in an episode of Friends."
Sean: (Narrating) Actually, that mysterious cloaked figure happens to be Luke Skywalker. And there's something different about him.
"Luke's not whiny?" The Unusual Suspect asked.
"Nope. Something else. Okay, well he's not whiny." Sean said.
"His hair is different." The Unusual Suspect said.
"Oh, wait! He's lost some weight." The Unusual Suspect said with a smile on his face while Sean gives him a look.
"What the hell?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) No, it turns out that Luke is now a Jedi knight. You know, I love the change of character in Luke. He went from being a whiny brat with a shaggy Justin Bieber hairdo to a non-whiny, serious Jedi who's not afraid to kick your ass on the spot. Or he could just kill you if you do not bargain with him. Like what Jabba is doing.
Luke Skywalker: You will bring Captain Solo and the Wookie to me.
(Jabba laughs)
"News flash: turns out that Jedi mind tricks don't work on Jabba. I guess it's time for Plan B." Sean said.
Luke Skywalker: You can either profit by this or be destroyed. It's your choice but I warn you not to underestimate my powers.
Jabba the Hut: Ooahhh.
C-3PO: (Tries to warn Luke) Master Luke, you're standing on...
Sean: (V/O as Luke Skywalker): Shut up, 3PO. I'm talking.
Jabba the Hutt: (Speaking in Huttese) There will be no bargain, young Jedi. I shall enjoy watching you die. (Laughs)
(Luke uses the Force to pull a nearby blaster from one of the guards and attempts to shoot Jabba. A pig guard tries to disarm Luke as Jabba activates the trapdoor, sending both Luke and the guard into the Rancor pit)
"So, Plan B was to just shoot Jabba in the face if he doesn't bargain with you? Well, that didn't work well." The Unusual Suspect said.
(A clip from Final Fantasy X-2 is shown)
Yuna (Voiced by Hedy Burress): I don't like your plan. It sucks.
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) Luke and the pig guard are sent down to the Rancor pit, home of the terrifying Rancor. I love how they designed the Rancor. It's one of the best puppets ever put on film. It was originally supposed to be a guy in a suit inspired by Godzilla but instead you have the wonderful team at ILM designing the creature.
"Also, if you have children, this scene will probably give them nightmares." The Unusual Suspect said.
"Jeez, imagine a parent showing that scene to his kid." Sean said.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see Adam, his wife Lexi and their son Aaron watching Return of the Jedi)
Adam: So, Aaron. How are you liking the movie so far?
Aaron: It's good, Dad.
(They come across the Rancor scene as Aaron watches the scene with a look of fear on his face as Lexi notices)
Lexi: Aaron?
Aaron: What's that?
Adam: That is the Rancor. A creature so terrifying, I just want to punch George Lucas in the face for giving you nightmares.
Aaron: It's scary. I want to watch Tiny Toons.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) Luke fights the terrifying creature after it eats a poor pig guard while his friends watch. I guess the pig guard was just the appetizer and Luke is the main course. When I saw the Rancor when I first watched this movie when I was like 5 years old, that thing didn't creep me out. It looked awesome. Anyway, we see Luke fight the Rancor with not a lightsaber but with a bone. A bone? Really, Luke? Where's your goddamn lightsaber?! I would've killed the fucking thing with a machine gun and a grenade launcher to end this fight shortly. I can't complain about this scene. There's a lot of things that I love about it: the design of the Rancor, the suspense, the visual effects and the music. John Williams had time to throw in the Force theme and the Star Wars theme in that scene.
(The Rancor tries to grab Luke)
Sean: (V/O as Rancor Keeper) Princess! Enjoy your food, Princess!
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) But Luke manages to make short work of the Rancor by throwing a handy dandy skull resulting in...
(Luke throws the skull at the button, killing the monster by crushing it under the gate)
Mortal Kombat Announcer (Voiced by Jamieson Price): Fatality!
"Okay, that's the only brutal death I've seen involving a space creature. I kinda feel bad for it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And then we get this usually bizarre moment when the Rancor Keeper cries over the dead creature.
(We see the Rancor Keeper crying over the dead Rancor)
"Okay, that was totally unnecessary but I love how they just kept it in the film. Someone tell the mouse to get on it. Make a spin-off movie about the Rancor Keeper. Call it Rancor Keeper: A Star Wars Story." The Unusual Suspect said.
(We see a fake poster with Malakili the Rancor Keeper on it called Rancor Keeper: A Star Wars Story, Directed by Ron Howard)
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) Luke and Han reunite and they see Leia in that skimpy slave outfit. Well, this is going to be the last boner they're going to get because Jabba the Hutt sentenced them to be terminated immediately by taking them to the Dune Sea and cast them into the Pit of Carkoon, which is the nesting place of the Sarlacc.
Han Solo: Doesn't sound so bad.
"Yeah. Unless you are slowly digested over 1,000 years! Couldn't you just shoot them in the back?" Sean asked.
Han Solo: On second thought, let's pass on that.
"I guess Plan C was for Luke to get caught as well, huh?" Sean asked.
(A clip from The Dark Knight Rises is shown)
CIA Op: Well, congratulations! You got yourself caught. Now, what's the next step of your master plan?
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to Jabba's sail barge, well party barge, where R2 is serving drinks. Oh, and they're about to execute Luke, Han and Chewie. Oh yeah, I forgot about Lando, he's in disguise so he's part of Operation: Solo Rescue as well. We see the Pit, which looks like a butthole in the original theatrical version but in the special edition it has that silly looking beak sticking out.
"I hope that they have any last words." The Unusual Suspect said.
Luke Skywalker: Jabba, this is your last chance. Free us or die.
"I hope you have Plan C ready, Luke." Sean said.
(Luke walks on the plank, prepared to get lowered down to the pit. Luke looks at Lando and nods at him. Lando nods back at Luke, then Luke looks at R2. R2 beeps then we cut to Han and then Leia. We cut back to Luke nodding his head. We then cut to Sean, who looks to his left and nods at Dave, who turns to Brian and nods at him. Brian turns to Sean and nods his head at him. Sean turns to his left and nods at The Unusual Suspect, who nods back at him. Then back to Sean, who nods at Lucas who nods back at him. Then Sean looks to his right and nods his head to Dave)
(A clip from Caddyshack is shown)
Judge Smails (Played by the late Ted Knight): Well, we're waiting.
Jabba the Hutt: (Speaking in Huttese) Put him in.
(One of the guards push Luke in but Luke manages to grab onto the plank and does a force-flip up through the air and onto the skiff while R2 launches Luke's lightsaber from a hidden panel in his housing. Luke catches his lightsaber and ignites it, revealing it to be his new green lightsaber)
"Excuse us for a second, our inner child is going to have to come out for all this excitement." Sean said as he presses a button, turning on Inner Child Mode. "Holy cow! That was totally wicked!"
"That is the most awesome thing he's done!" The Unusual Suspect cheered.
"Luke has a green lightsaber. I've never seen that before in a Star Wars movie. That is so cool." Sean said, right before turning off Inner Child Mode and going back to normal. "We apologize for our epic freakout of awesomeness, it will never happen again."
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) So we see that Luke's got a brand-new lightsaber that he's constructed and he starts wrecking some shit. From what I've read, originally his lightsaber was going to be blue but you won't see it well in the sunlight, so they changed it to green instead. Anyway, back to the action and as awesome as this scene is I have a little nitpick regarding a certain character.
(Boba Fett points his blaster rifle at Luke, then Luke slices the bounty hunter's blaster in half)
"Boba Fett doesn't get much screen time?" Sean asked.
"Yes. And then this happens." The Unusual Suspect said.
Han Solo: Boba Fett? Boba Fett? Where?
(Han hits Boba's jetpack with the butt of an axe, sending him flying out of control and crashing against the hull of Jabba's sail barge and falls into the Sarlacc's mouth. Then we hear the Sarlaac burping)
"I'm sorry, did I just witness Boba Fett, one of the most awesome characters in the franchise get killed off in the dumbest way possible?" Sean asked.
"Yep." The Unusual Suspect said.
"What the f…" Sean said before cutting to the clip.
Sean: (Narrating) You can't be serious, George. Man, fans of Boba Fett must've been pissed. There's an expression that Jeremy Jahns said when he reviewed Return of the Jedi, it's called "Being Boba Fetted".
(A clip from Jeremy Jahns' review of Return of the Jedi is shown)
Jeremy Jahns: Being Boba Fetted is when someone's a really cool character and they just get taken out like (snaps his fingers) that in the stupidest way possible
"Case in point." Sean said.
(A clip from Tim Burton's Batman is shown)
Joker (Played by Jack Nicholson): Bob, gun.
(Bob hands Joker his gun, then Joker shoots Bob)
"See?" Sean asked.
(A clip from the special edition version of Return of the Jedi is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Yes, I am aware that George Lucas and his team at Lucasfilm added more shots of Boba Fett walking around past the camera. Okay, I get it! He's an awesome character but we don't need to keep cutting back to him standing still and walking past.
"Question: if Boba Fett was so popular then why did he get killed off in the most stupidest way possible?" Sean asked.
"Just to piss the fans off." The Unusual Suspect said.
"Yeah, you're right. You know, I cannot believe that he had Han accidentally hit Boba in the back and sending him flying to Jabba's barge and get swallowed up into the asshole of the desert." Sean said.
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) So after George Lucas pisses us off with Boba Fett getting killed, we get the most satisfying death when Leia takes advantage of the chaos going on and grabs the chain that was bounding her and chokes Jabba to death.
(Leia chokes Jabba to death with her chain and kills him)
"Fun fact: for the scene where Leia chokes Jabba to death, George Lucas was inspired for that scene from watching The Godfather. You know, the scene where Luca gets killed." The Unusual Suspect said.
Sean: (Narrating) After fighting off everybody and seeing C-3PO being useless when Jabba's pet rat attacks him and tries to take his eye out, our heroes escape and Jabba's sail barge blows up in an explosion that would make Michael Bay proud.
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating): With Han, Leia, Chewie, Lando and C-3PO meeting up with the Rebel Alliance at the rendezvous point, Luke departs for Dagobah to fulfill a promise to an old friend that he made. Meanwhile back at the Death Star, we see that the Imperials are preparing for the big bad Emperor arriving.
"And now, rise for the Imperial March." Sean said.
(The Imperial March plays as the Emperor arrives)
"Best. Scene. Ever." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that the Emperor, who is now played by the man who has portrayed the character for the rest of the film series Ian McDiarmid. Before he hams up his performance in Revenge of the Sith, he hams it up to 100 in this one. We learn that the construction of the Death Star is under the Emperor's supervision and him and Darth Vader continue their plan to get Luke to join the dark side.
Emperor Palpatine (Played by Ian McDiarmid): Patience, my friend. In time, he will seek you out and when he does you must bring him before me. He has grown strong. Only together can we turn him to the dark side of the Force.
Darth Vader: As you wish.
Emperor Palpatine: Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen.
(The Emperor laughs evily)
"Good god, man. That is the most evil laugh I've ever heard in my life." The Unusual Suspect said.
"I wonder what the stormtroopers in the hangar of the Death Star were thinking after they hear the Emperor laughing." Sean said.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(Emperor Palpatine laughs, then we cut to Sean and Brian as the stormtroopers)
Sean: (as Stormtrooper Fred) Hey, Barn.
Brian: (as Stormtrooper Barney): Yeah, Fred?
Sean: Let me ask you a question. Are we the baddies?
Brian: Nah, we're good. At least. That's what they told us during brainwashing.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
"Hell, it's like that when someone from corporate shows up at the job I work for. We tend to do some cleaning around the store. So annoying." Sean said.
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) Back on Dagobah, Luke returns to complete his Jedi training with Yoda but the old Jedi master isn't looking so well.
Yoda (Performed by Frank Oz): When 900-years-old you reach, look as good you not, hmm?
"Hey, it all depends. I hope I still look as good when I reach 900. Hopefully." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Yoda tells Luke that there is no further training to be required, so there's nothing for him to complete back here.
"Okay, so Luke is a Jedi knight. Guess he's done, right?" Sean asked.
Yoda: Not yet. One thing remains- Vader. You must confront Vader.
"He must confront Vader? Uh, the last time Luke confronted Vader, this happened." Sean points out.
(A clip from The Empire Strikes Back shows the scene where Vader cut off Luke's hand)
"Yeah. You'd think he would relive that moment again and have his hand cut off again? Sean asked.
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) Luke asks Yoda if Darth Vader is his father. Yoda does at least confirm that Vader was telling the truth. And before he dies, Yoda tells Luke that there is another Skywalker. And then he dies and disappears just like Obi-Wan Kenobi did back in A New Hope.
"Wait a minute. Something's oddly familiar. We have another Death Star. We're back on Tatooine. The Jedi master dies leaving Luke by himself. Is this a repeat of A New Hope. We're seeing this all too familiar stuff again." The Unusual Suspect said.
Sean: (Narrating) Luke mopes saying that he can't do it alone. Then, a familiar voice says that always be with you. And that voice is none other than Obi-Wan Kenobi's spirit form. And now it's time for some explanation.
"Okay, you're going to see why Obi-Wan is an asshole because they made him into a liar and he comes up with the dumbest explanation known to man. Let's see what he has to say." Sean said.
Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi (Played by Alec Guinness): Your father was seduced by the dark side of the Force. He ceased to be Anakin Skywalker and became Darth Vader. When that happened, the good man who was your father was destroyed. So what I told you was true from a certain point of view.
"A certain point of view?!" Sean and The Unusual Suspect both said with a confused look on their faces.
Luke Skywalker: A certain point of view?
"Even Luke thinks you're full of shit." The Unusual Suspect said.
"Dude, you lied to him and left out that valuable piece of information that he learned the hard way and scarred him for the rest of his life. "From a certain point of view…", can you imagine Donald Trump saying that in his speech?" Sean asked.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
Sean: (as a reporter interviewing Donald Trump) President Trump, I have a question. Is it true that you're the least racist person in the world?
The Unusual Suspect: (as President Trump) No, I didn't say that I was the least racist person in the world. My tweets from what you have seen were about people of gender and color and yes I offended the women as well. From what I've told you was true, from a certain point of view.
Sean: A certain point of view?
The Unusual Suspect: Yes, a certain point of view.
Sean: But you just said that you were the least racist person in the world. Now, you're just confirming that you're a racist?
The Unusual Suspect: That's what I'm saying.
Sean: Oh, you goddamn racist Republican son of a bitch bastard asshole!
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) So after Obi-Wan admits that he's fucked up, Luke's gotta leave the Dagobah system and because Luke is an indecisive shit, he can't kill his own father. Oh, don't worry though, Yoda spoke of his twin sister.
Luke Skywalker: But I have no sister.
Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: To protect you both from the Emperor, you were hidden from your father when you were born. The Emperor knew, as I did, if Anakin were to have any offspring, they would be a threat to him. That is the reason why your sister remains safely anonymous.
Luke Skywalker: Leia! Leia's my sister.
"Oh my God! What an amazing surprise! This series just keeps... wait a minute." Sean said then realizes something.
(We get some Kill Bill editing style when clips from A New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back are shown, showing Leia kissing Luke while Sean makes a shocked expression on his face while the Ironside theme by Quincy Brown plays)
"Oh, my God! They kissed several times! Ewww!" Sean yelled out as we see him and The Unusual Suspect making gagging noises.
(A clip from Family Guy is shown as we see Peter, Brian, Stewie and Chris vomiting)
(A clip from The Outsiders is shown)
Ponyboy Curtis (Played by C. Thomas Howell): Johnny, I think I'm gonna be sick!
(A clip from SpongeBob SquarePants is shown)
Mr. Krabs (Voiced by Clancy Brown): I think I'm gonna be sick.
"They're twins and she doesn't even know it yet." Sean said.
"I wonder if there's some smutty Luke/Leia fanfics on Fanfiction." The Unusual Suspect said.
"No, no, no! Don't even go there! It's like finding out that Betty and Jughead could be stepsiblings on Riverdale when all this time they were fucking each other the whole time!" Sean exclaimed.
"You wrote some Betty/Jughead smut, did you?" The Unusual Suspect asked.
"I did. But this was before I watched the season three finale when that FBI guy Charles Smith revealed to Betty that he's Alice and FP's son and Betty's stepbrother. So technically, that makes Betty and Jughead stepbrother and stepsister." Sean said. "I think. Maybe. How the hell should I know? I should tweet Roberto about that. Okay, enough talking about incest. Let's move on to the next scene."
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to the Rebel Alliance, where we see that they've gathered here together to reveal plans to attack the brand spanking new Death Star.
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) We see that Bothan Spy Lady….
"Mon Mothma." Sean said.
"Whatever. I'm still calling her Bothan Spy Lady." The Unusual Suspect said.
"Oh, Christ." Sean muttered under his breath.
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) She tells us that the Bothan spies gave them information on the Death Star and it's location. And also the weapon systems on Death Star II are not yet operational and the Emperor is personally overseeing the final stages of the construction of the Death Star.
Mon Mothma (Played by Caroline Blakiston): Many Bothans died to bring us this information.
"I guess we won't find out in Rogue Two: A Star Wars Story." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Admiral Ackbar, played Tim Rose and voiced by the late Erik Bauersfeld, tells the rebels that the Death Star is protected by an energy shield which is generated from the nearby forest moon of Endor. The Empire learned their lesson when the rebels destroyed the first Death Star, just protect it by an energy shield. The shield must be deactivated if the rebels attack and once the shield is down, send some fighters into the Death Star and destroy the main reactor. Lando leads the attack in space while a strike team lands on Endor to deactivate the shield. Han will lead the team but he doesn't have a command crew for the shuttle.
(Chewbacca growls)
Han Solo: It's going to be rough, pal. I didn't want to speak for you.
(Chewbacca growls again)
Han Solo: That's one.
Princess Leia: General… count me in.
Luke Skywalker: I'm with you, too.
"Luke, just because you're a kick-ass Jedi Knight now doesn't mean for you to be fashionably late." Sean said.
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) So, with their team assembled, the mission begins as Lando takes the Millennium Falcon for the Death Star assault.
Han Solo: You need all the help you can get. She's the fastest ship in the fleet.
Lando Calrissian (Played by Billy Dee Williams): All right, old buddy. I know what she means to you. I'll take good care of her. She won't get a scratch.
Sean raised his eyebrow at the camera.
"Oh, well get to that one soon. Trust me on that one." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, Han and Lando say their goodbyes in front of a matte painting of the Millennium Falcon and Han, Luke, Leia and Chewie take the Imperial shuttle to slip past the Imperial fleet but Luke's Jedi senses are tingling.
Luke Skywalker: (Sees Vader's ship) Vader's on that ship.
Han Solo: Now, don't get jittery, Luke. There are a lot of command ships.
"Oh, come on. You guys are being set up and you don't even know it yet." Sean said.
Han Solo: Keep your distance, though, Chewie, but don't look like you're trying to keep your distance.
(Chewie roars)
Han Solo: I don't know. Fly casual.
"How do you do that? He's just flying." The Unusual Suspect said.
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) Vader senses Luke presence aboard the shuttle and Luke feels like that he's endangering the mission. And I love how masterfully done this scene is. The music build tension, John Williams is on top form again.
Admiral Piett (Played by Kenneth Colley): Shall I hold them?
Darth Vader: No. Leave them to me. I will deal with them myself.
The Unusual Suspect: (V/O as Admiral Piett) What the hell does that supposed to mean?
Sean: (Narrating) They arrive on the forest moon of Endor, accompanied by some rebels. Then, Han, Luke and Leia find some Imperial troopers scouting the area, so Han decides to go down there and ambush them.
Luke Skywalker: Quietly. There might be more of them out there.
Han Solo: Hey, it's me.
Sean: (V/O as Luke Skywalker) Why do I get the feeling that Han is going to do something stupid?
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) Han goes down there to knock out one of the guards Sam Fisher-style and…
(Han steps on a twig. The Imperial scout trooper spots him and punches Han in the face)
"Sam Fisher he is not." The Unusual Suspect said, rolling his eyes.
"Sam Fisher can take out a stormtrooper easily by shooting them in the head or just beat the crap out of them very quietly without alerting anyone." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) While Han is fighting the one scout troopers, Luke and Leia go after the other scout troopers who are going to call for backup. Before the podracing scene in The Phantom Menace, the speeder chase is a cooler action set piece that I absolutely love. The visual effects are outstanding and the sound design is spectacular. Can we give a round of applause to Richard Edlund, Dennis Muren, Ken Ralston, Phil Tippet and the effects team up at ILM for their awesome work for this scene?
(A photo of visual effects artists Richard Edlund, Dennis Muren, Ken Ralson and Phil Tippet are shown)
"The visual effects team for the original Star Wars trilogy are the real wizards behind the visual effects." Sean said.
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) Leia gets thrown off of her speeder and knocked out while Luke goes after the other scout trooper and manages to dispatch him with his lightsaber.
(Luke takes out the scout trooper's speeder bike, causing the scout trooper to crash into a tree)
Sean: (V/O as Killer Instinct Announcer) Supreme Victory! Perfect!
Sean: (Narrating) Luke regroups with Han and Chewie when they discover that Leia is missing. Speaking of Leia…
(Suspenseful music is played when a creature walks over to Leia and pokes her with his staff. Leia wakes up and gasps as she sees a small furry creature known as an Ewok)
"Ugh, Christ!" The Unusual Suspect exclaimed.
"What?' Sean asked.
"The low point of the movie. The Ewoks." The Unusual Suspect said. "We get a tribe of Teletubbies!"
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Leia wakes up to a very unusual sight when she sees an Ewok named Wicket played by Warwick Davis.
(A clip from Leprechaun is showed)
Leprechaun (Played by Warwick Davis): (While killing a shopowner by pogoing on his lung and sings) This old Lep, he played one. He played pogo on his lung.
"Yep. The same actor who played the killer leprechaun in Leprechaun. He played an Ewok in this movie." Sean said.
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) After feeding Wicket with a candy bar… God, this movie is slow! The two of them become fast friends. Then, some scout troopers show up to try to catch Leia.
"Also, I would like to point out that Leia's blaster is composed of a Vostok Margolin .22LR target pistol with a muzzle attachment fitted. Also, the Imperial stormtroopers' blaster rifles are Sterling L2A3 submachine guns." Sean said.
(Wicket hits the scout trooper in the leg with his staff)
Scout Trooper: (Looks down) What the?
"Isn't that David Lynch's reaction when George Lucas showed him the Ewoks. Also, that was my reaction when I saw the Ewok movies." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So after Leia takes out two incompetent scout trooper, Wicket takes her somewhere safe. Meanwhile, Vader goes to see the Emperor while he's busy chilling on the observation tower of the Death Star.
Emperor Palpatine: I told you to remain on the command ship.
"Wait, is this movie missing a scene before this?" The Unusual Suspect asked.
"Yeah. There's a deleted scene before this one and it involved Moff Jerjerrod." Sean said.
(A deleted scene from the movie is shown)
Moff Jerjerrod: You may not enter.
(Vader force chokes Moff Jerjerrod)
Moff Jerjerrod: (Choking) By the Emperor's command.
(Vader releases Jerjerrod)
Darth Vader: My apologies.
"Why couldn't they kept it in the movie?!" The Unusual Suspect said.
"Because George Lucas is an asshole and he likes to cut shit out of the movie." Sean said.
"Right." The Unusual Suspect said.
Darth Vader: A small rebel force has penetrated the shield and landed on Endor.
Emperor Palpatine: Yes, I know.
Darth Vader: My son is with them.
Emperor Palpatine: Are you sure?
Darth Vader: I have (beep) him, my master.
Emperor Palpatine: Strange that I have not.
"Oh, Christ! No! No! NO! Let's not make things to creepy!" Sean yelled out.
Darth Vader: He will come to me?
"STOP!" Sean yelled out.
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Luke and Han continue their search for Leia and they find her helmet. Then, Chewie finds something very unusual.
Han Solo: Hey, I don't get it. It's just a dead animal, Chewie.
(Chewie messes with the dead animal)
Luke Skywalker: Chewie, wait! Wait! Don't!
(Chewie sets off a trap, which catches them all in a net)
"Well, no dinner for him." The Unusual Suspect said.
Sean: (Narrating) After R2 frees them all, our heroes end up being surrounded by the furry, cute and cuddly inhabitants of the forest moon of Endor, and this happens.
C-3PO: Oh, my head!
(The Ewoks gasps as they see C-3PO and proclaim him to be a god)
"They end up worshipping him as a god. And I have to tell you that I find this scene hilarious." Sean said.
"You do know that George Lucas was marketing those little furry things to children? Look how it ended up." The Unusual Suspect said.
(A trailer for The Ewok Adventure is shown)
Announcer: Don't miss The Ewok Adventure. Now on videocassette from MGM/UA Home Video.
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) And this...
(A trailer for Ewoks: The Battle for Endor is shown)
Wicket (Played by Warwick Davis): Best friend. Best friend.
Announcer: Ewoks: The Battle for Endor.
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) And this...
(The Ewoks cartoon intro is shown)
We cut to Sean screaming in horror from the two Ewoks movies and the cartoon.
Sean: (Narrating) So, the Ewoks take them to their village and they have a nice little community. I like seeing the little Ewok babies, they look so cute. And we also see an Ewok smoking some Endor weed as well. The reason why the Ewoks brought them tied up is because they're about to be the main course at a banquet in C-3PO's honor because the furry little buggers worship him.
"You're supposed to bring food, not be the food." Sean said.
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) While the Ewoks prepare to make sure that they're not in The Force Awakens, Luke and C-3PO work together with Luke using the Force to play angry god mode so the furry bastards can set them free. After they do that, C-3PO fills them in on the situation by going over the entire Star Wars series so far. Let's hope that he doesn't tell them about the prequels and the Christmas special.
C-3PO: Uta Millennium Falcon ahchiminie Cloud City. (Makes the sound of the roar of the spaceship) Oos nooch Vader. (Makes the sound of Darth Vader's breathing) Han Solo.
(Chewie roars)
C-3PO: Tiklo carbon!
"And all of a sudden Michael Winslow is telling the story of Star Wars. I'm just waiting for him to get to the part where he explains about Princess Leia in that bikini." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After this amazing tale, C-3PO convinces the Ewoks that the humans who aren't wearing plastic armor and not shoot straight are their friends and that they must work together to stop the Empire. Except for Luke because he has Vader on his mind. So, Leia checks on him to see what's wrong and we get one of my favorite scenes throughout the whole movie.
Luke Skywalker: Leia, do you remember your mother… your real mother?
Princess Leia: Just a little bit. She died when I was very young.
Luke Skywalker: What do you remember?
Princess Leia: Just images, really. Feelings.
"Oh, yeah. Like she could remember her real mother who died from childbirth. Really, Leia? You were just coming out of your mother's vagina when that happened. How can you remember that?" The Unusual Suspect said.
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) Luke tells Leia that Vader is on this moon and he's felt his presence and that he has to face him. He then tells Leia that Vader is his father and that there's more.
Luke Skywalker: The Force is strong in my family. My father has it. I have it. And my sister has it. (Looks at Leia) Yes. It's you, Leia.
Princess Leia: I know. Somehow, I've always known.
"Oh, really? You've always known. Did you know that you just stuck your tongue inside your twin brother's mouth when you kissed him on Hoth? Did you know that?"
(A TV spot for Star Wars is shown)
Announcer: Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia. In danger. In love.
Princess Leia Organa: Good Luck.
(A clip from The Empire Strikes Back is shown, showing the scene where Leia kisses Luke)
Sean: (V/O as Announcer) Incest.
(Back to the Star Wars TV spot)
Announcer: In Star Wars. No legendary adventure of the past could be this exciting as this romance of the future. Star Wars rated PG.
Sean: (Narrating) I just love this scene between Luke and Leia. I do appreciate the one-on-one screen time that these two needed to have with the moonlit setting and John Williams' music score. Richard Marquand did a very good job with the film's emotionally driven scenes.
Princess Leia: But why must you confront him?
Luke Skywalker: Because… there is good in him. I've felt it. He won't turn me over to the Emperor. I can save him. I can turn him back to the good side.
"Okay, back in my Revenge of the Sith review, I asked what is it with the Skywalker family saying that there's still good in him." The Unusual Suspect said, mentioning his review. "The man literally killed children and he helped destroy an entire fucking planet. There is no good left in a man like that."
"Right. And Luke thinks that he's going to turn him back to the good side. How are you going to do that, Luke? Invite him over for root beer floats and have some father-son bonding with each other? Hell, Katie Otto gets along with her daughter better than you two." Sean said.
(A clip from the American Housewife episode Grandma's Way is shown)
Katie Otto (Played by Katie Mixon): Don't forget to return your library books today.
Taylor Otto (Played by Meg Donnelly): You have your own bedroom! Why do you have to live up my ass?!
"Luke knows that Palpatine's been pulling Vader's strings and playing with his emotions all these years." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Thus, Luke heads off alone to have a little chat with his old man by surrendering to the Empire. Well, let's see how that plan works.
Darth Vader: So, you have accepted the truth?
Luke Skywalker: I've accepted the truth that you were once Anakin Skywalker, my father.
Darth Vader: That name no longer has any meaning for me.
"Uh, it wasn't spoiled until the prequel trilogy. Hello?" Sean asked.
Luke Skywalker: I know there is good in you. The Emperor hasn't driven it from you fully. That was why you couldn't destroy me.
(Clips from The Empire Strikes Back are shown as we see Luke falling into the carbonite chamber, climbing up on wires while Vader tries to kill him, Vader using the Force by throwing things at Luke, Luke flying out of the window and Vader cutting off Luke's hand)
"Yeah, we see how conflicted he is." The Unusual Suspect said.
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) Luke's plan to get Vader to feel the warm, fuzzy feelings inside him doesn't go so well as Vader points out that he will be taking him to the Death Star to stand before the Emperor and turn him to the dark side of the Force. Meanwhile, the Battle of Endor begins as we see Han, Leia, Chewie and the Ewoks getting ready to sneak into the shield generator to bring down the shield while in space Lando and the rebel fleet prepare their final attack on Death Star II.
Sean: (Narrating) Back on Endor, our heroes decide to take the back door to the shield generator but an Ewok decides to do some Grand Theft Auto: Endor on the scout troopers' asses by stealing one of their speederbikes as a distraction. And then we get this little moment right here.
(Han taps on the scout trooper's shoulder and runs)
Scout Trooper: (Turns around and spots Han before running after him) Hey!
(The scout trooper chases Han and gets captured by rebel commandos)
"World's dumbest stormtrooper, ever! How can that idiot fall for something like that?" Sean asked.
"Because Sean, the stormtroopers are the biggest plonkers in the Star Wars universe." The Unusual Suspect said.
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) While all that is going on, back on the Death Star, Vader takes Luke to see Emperor Palpatine and boy, isn't he a riot to watch. He's like the best part about this one and the prequel trilogy.
Emperor Palpatine: I'm looking forward to completing your training. In time, you will call me master.
"In time, you will become my love slave like your father and you will call me master, you dirty boy." Sean said, imitating Emperor Palpatine.
Emperor Palpatine: I assure you we are quite safe from your friends here.
Luke Skywalker: Your overconfidence is your weakness.
Emperor Palpatine: Your faith in your friends is yours.
Sean: (V/O as Luke Skywalker) Heh, faith in yo momma.
The Unusual Suspect: (V/O as Emperor Palpatine) What was that?
Sean: (as Luke) I said yo momma's so fat, Jabba the Hutt said "Dayummm"!
The Unusual Suspect: (as Emperor) Well, your mother's so ugly she put the "ug" in 'ugnot'!
(A sound clip from Robot Chicken plays as we cut to Darth Vader)
Darth Vader (Voiced by Abraham Benrubi): Ah yo momma fight!
"Sorry, had to be done." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Emperor Palpatine, having read ahead in the script powers, revealing to Luke that it was him who coordinated the Rebels finding the secret plans and locating the shield generator so that the Alliance can fall into a trap.
Emperor Palpatine: (In an over-the-top manner) Oh, I'm afraid the deflector shield will be quite operational when your friends arrive.
We cut to Sean, who's seen laughing from hearing how Ian McDiarmid said his line.
"Okay, that line was so over the top I ended up cracking up every time he says it." Sean said.
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) Back on Endor, Han, Leia, Chewie and the rest of the rebels soldiers enter bunker and hold the Imperials hostage, then we get a little cameo from a certain Star Wars crew member.
Imperial Officer (Played by Ben Burtt): Freeze!
(Han throws a box at the imperial officer, causing him to fall to his death)
"That was Ben Burtt, the movie's sound designer and this was his own take of the Wilhelm scream." The Unusual Suspect said.
Sean: (Narrating) Then, they end up running into a trap when the Imperials catch them. Back in space, the fleet arrive at the Death Star, a little too easy.
Lando Calrissian: How could they be jamming us if they don't know if we're coming. (Realizes something wrong) Break off the attack! The shield is still up.
Wedge Antilles (Played by Denis Lawson): I get no reading. You sure?
Lando Calrissian: Pull up! All craft pull up!
"Altogether now." Sean said.
Admiral Ackbar (Played by Tim Rose and voiced by the late Erik Bauersfeld): It's a trap!
(A clip from Batman: Arkham Asylum is shown)
Joker (Voiced by Mark Hamill): I set a trap and you sprang it glorious!
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) While the rebel fleet get surrounded by an armada of Star Destroyers and a Tie squadron, the Emperor decides to screw with Luke for a bit.
Emperor Palpatine: (After Luke looks at his lightsaber) You want this don't you? The hate is swelling in you now. Take your Jedi weapon. Use it. I am unarmed. Strike me down with it. Give in to your anger.
(A clip from Mean Girls is shown)
Regina George (Played by Rachel McAdams): Please stop talking.
"Dude, if you want to egg Luke on, you should show him the Child's Play remake." The Unusual Suspect said as the Child's Play poster pops up on the screen.
Sean: (Narrating) With our heroes surrounded and captured by the Imperials, all hope is lost. Until the Ewoks jump in and save the day and a big battle starts where we see the stormtroopers getting their asses kicked by the Ewoks. Okay, this is pretty silly looking at this now. Seeing the Emperor's best troops getting their asses kicked by a bunch of cuddly little teddy bears.
"Oh, great! Now I'm gonna have to play this clip." Sean said.
(A clip from The Goldbergs is shown)
Jackie Geary (Played by Rowan Blanchard): In the last movie, there were walking teddy bears.
Adam Goldberg (Played by Sean Giambrone): They're Ewoks! And they helped defeat the damn Empire!
"Thanks a lot, movie! I threw in a Goldbergs reference. Christ!" Sean yelled out.
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) We're constantly jumping back and forth from one battle to another. On the forest moon of Endor, you have the rebels and the Ewoks fighting stormtroopers and AT-STs, in space you have the Millennium Falcon and various X-Wing fighters trying to fight off the Imperial armada and in the Death Star where the Emperor continues to screw with Luke and drops a little bombshell.
Emperor Palpatine: (To Luke) Now witness the firepower of this fully armed and operational battle station.
"Huh?" Sean asked.
Emperor Palpatine: Fire at will, Commander.
(We cut to the Death Star firing on one of the Rebel Alliance's ships, destroying it)
"What the hell?!" Sean exclaimed.
Lando Calrissian: That blast came from the Death Star. That thing's operational!
"Turns out that this battle station that is fully operational can fire a laser that destroys ships. And since the shield is still around it, the Empire's weapons can penetrate through the shield." The Unusual Suspect said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back on Endor, the battle continues as we see Han and Leia trying to get the bunker door open. R2 tries to open the door but ends up getting shot by a stormtrooper. At least he managed to hit something. Then, we see an AT-ST shooting at Ewoks. Now, I'm sure that no Ewoks will be harmed throughout this whole movie.
(An AT-ST shoot at two Ewoks running away, we see an explosion, getting both of them)
"Holy shit!" Sean and The Unusual Suspect both yelled out.
(One of the Ewoks gets up and tries to wake the other up. The other Ewok doesn't move and we see it's friend mourning for him)
"Well, shi-shit. Things got serious." The Unusual Suspect said.
"Hey, at least he can eat his friend like bears do." Sean said, chuckling a bit while The Unusual Suspect gives him a disturbed look on his face.
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) Well enough of Sean's dark humor as we cut back to space and the Death Star. Seems that seeing the Death Star firing on the Rebel Alliance is enough to piss Luke off and the Emperor wants him to strike him down.
Emperor Palpatine: I can feel your anger. I am defenseless. Take your weapon. Strike me down with all of your hatred and your journey towards the dark side will be complete.
(A clip from Ghostbusters: The Video Game is shown)
Dr. Peter Venkman (Voiced by Bill Murray): Whoa take a break! Do you ever shut up?
(Luke force grabs his lightsaber and ignites it while Vader wields his lightsaber. Right when Luke is about to lash out at Emperor Palpatine until Vader deflects his lightsaber while Palpatine laughs)
"Oh, shit! Now things are about to get real up in this bitch!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Before we watch that awesome lightsaber duel between father and son, we cut back to Endor where Chewie and two Ewoks decide to steal one of the AT-STs from the Imperials and using it against them to turn the tide. Oh, yeah. Director Richard Marquand cameos as an AT-ST controller and gets beaten up by the Ewoks. Back with Han and Leia, they're trying to open the bunker door while getting shot at by stormtroopers who can't aim for shit.
(A stormtrooper manages to shoot Leia in the arm)
Sean: (Narrating) Holy shit! That guy managed to hit something. Okay, we did see one stormtrooper hit R2, but geez! That stormtrooper shot Leia in the arm. Give this man an award.
(Leia hides her blaster)
Han Solo: I love you.
Princess Leia: I know.
Stormtrooper: Hands up! Stand up!
(Leia shoots at the two stormtroopers)
"Yeah, the award for world's dumbest stormtrooper. Dumbass." Sean said.
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) We cut back on the Death Star, we see father and son having a lightsaber duel while the Emperor tries to encourage Luke to take his aggression out on Vader.
(The Mortal Kombat theme plays while Luke and Vader have their lightsaber duel, then we see Luke jump up onto a balcony)
Luke Skywalker: Your thoughts betray you, Father. I feel the good in you, the conflict.
Darth Vader: There is no conflict.
Luke Skywalker: You couldn't bring yourself to kill me before. I don't believe you'll destroy me now.
Darth Vader: You underestimate the power of the dark side. If you will not fight, then you will meet your destiny.
(Vader throws his lightsaber at Luke. It misses Luke and knocks the balcony down, taking Luke with it)
The Unusual Suspect starts chuckling for a bit. "Okay, at this very moment, when he saw Luke taking the high ground, Vader immediately had a flashback to when Obi-Wan got the high ground. And look what happened to him."
(A clip from Revenge of the Sith is shown as we see Anakin jumping at Obi-Wan, until Obi-Wan cuts off his legs and arm)
"Yeah, you think that he was going to fall for it again. Well, no. He's not." Sean said.
Sean: (V/O as Luke Skywalker): It's over, Father. I have the high ground.
The Unusual Suspect: (V/O as Darth Vader) Not today, bitch!
(Throws his lightsaber at Luke but misses)
Sean: (Narrating) Vader stalks Luke, who's hiding from his old man, so he can let his guard down and senses his son's mind when he finds out this.
Darth Vader: Sister. So, you have a twin sister. Your feelings have now betrayed her, too. Obi-Wan was wise to hide her from me. Now his failure is complete. If you will not turn to the dark side, then perhaps she will.
Luke Skywalker: (Shouts in rage) NEVER!
(Vader turns and sees Luke. It pauses on Vader)
Sean: (V/O as announcer) It was at that moment that Vader knew he fucked up.
Sean: (Narrating) Luke goes ballistic after bringing his sister Leia into the mix and starts wailing away at Vader. I love the music in this scene. One of the best moments ever. That lightsaber battle is accompanied by a dark choir that is powerful and moving. John Williams is the master in composing music. I love how Vader backs away knowing that he shouldn't have said that about his sister. You knew that he totally fucked up. Luke continues to lash at Vader and ends up cutting off his right hand. Yeah, payback is a bitch.
Emperor Palpatine: (Laughs) Good! Your hate has made you powerful. Now, fulfill your destiny and take your father's place at my side.
"Uh, Emperor Palpatine, sir? Shouldn't you say this." Sean asked.
Emperor Palpatine: Do it.
"Yeah, you should've said that so Luke to kill his father." Sean said.
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) But Luke snaps out of it and looks at his robotic hand just like Vader and he realizes that he's becoming just like Darth Vader. So, Luke just retracts his lightsaber and throws it.
Luke Skywalker: I'll never turn to the dark side. You failed, Your Highness. I am a Jedi, like my father before me.
"All right, all right. Let's all chill the fuck out." The Unusual Suspect said, imitating Emperor Palpatine.
Sean: (Narrating) Back on Endor, Han and Chewie capture the bunker and blow up the shield generator so the fighters can move in and destroy the Death Star. Speaking of the Death Star, let's check back in on the Death Star as we see that the Emperor's pissed about Luke ruining his big night and months of moments are down in the crapper. So, he has to deal with the young Jedi Knight himself. Hmm, how about a lesson in "Getting Your Ass Kicked 101"?
(Emperor Palpatine fires force lightning against Luke and tortures him)
(A sound clip from the Family Guy Star Wars parody It's a Trap! is played while Emperor is using force lighting on Luke)
Carter Pewterschmidt (Voiced by Seth MacFarlane): (as Emperor Palpatine) Yeah, I'm a bad guy! Yeah! Yeah! How about that? Huh? Look at that? Look what I can do. Oh! Yeah! Out the butthole!
Luke Skywalker: (While being tortured) Father, please!
"Aww, at least Luke is showing some good manners for his father to help him. That's good. But Luke is getting fried by the Emperor, which is bad." Sean said.
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) And then we have the most pivotal moment and the best highlight of the film. We see that Vader is conflicted whether to save Luke or continue to serve his Master. This is the same guy that let you kill children. Are you going to stand there and watch him kill your son?
(A clip from the 2011 Blu-Ray version of the movie is shown)
Darth Vader: No. No!
"Really? Do you have to ruin the moment by playing that clip from the Blu-Ray version? Is that punishment enough?" Sean asked.
"Nope. But when you review the Star Wars Christmas Special, it will be." The Unusual Suspect said.
"I hate you." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Hearing his son's cries for help, Vader makes his decision and grabs Emperor Palpatine while having a thousand volts of electricity coursing through him. He takes him to a nearby shaft and throws his ass down into the Death Star's reactor.
(Vader throws Emperor Palpatine into the Death Star's reactor)
Sean: (V/O as Emperor Palpatine) I'LL BE IN TOUCH, BITCHES!
(We see an explosion after the Emperor disappears into the abyss)
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see Sean, playing the janitor again. This time, he is seen mopping the floor until we see Dave, who is playing Emperor Palpatine, landing on the ground)
Sean: Oh, come on! (Starts pushing Palpatine's body away) What are they doing up there all the time? I gotta get that transfer to the Starkiller Base.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) Anyway, the father and son are reunited, but the bad news is that Vader's life support systems have been fried to shit, so he's dying. We cut back to the Millennium Falcon and the remaining rebel fighters enter the Death Star to take out the main reactor. I just love how they used some of the music from A New Hope in this scene. Some of the fighters split up to get some of the other Ties off of them and then we get this.
(The Millennium Falcon hits something, knocking off the satellite dish)
Lando Calrissian: That was too close.
"Didn't Han specifically say not a scratch on the Millennium Falcon?" The Unusual Suspect asked.
"Oh, boy. Han's going to kick Lando's ass." Sean said.
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) And we cannot forget this moment right here which is both silly and awesome.
(The Super Star Destroyer's bridge deflector shields get destroyed)
Star Destroyer Controller: Sir, we've lost our bridge deflector shields.
Admiral Piett: Intensify the forward batteries. I don't want anything to get through!
(An A-Wing flies right towards them)
Admiral Piett: Intensify forward firepower!
Imperial Officer: Too late.
(The A-Wing crashes into the bridge of the Super Star Destroyer)
Sean: (V/O as Admiral Piett) My only regret was not being force choked!
"Okay, just one fighter and only one fighter crashed into the Super Star Destroyer like a kamikaze pilot." The Unusual Suspect said.
Sean: (Narrating) While evacuating the Death Star, Vader who is dying, has one last request for Luke. Which is to remove his mask so he can see his son's face with his "own eyes". Luke removes the mask and sees his father Anakin Skywalker, who is not David Prowse but is played by the late Sebastian Shaw.
Anakin Skywalker (Played by the late Sebastian Shaw): Now go, my son. Leave me.
Luke Skywalker: No. You're coming with me. I'll not leave you here. I've got to save you.
"No, you've got to leave me. I don't want to deal with your emo nephew who'll kill his father and try to kill his mother. Plus, Rian Johnson will ruin The Last Jedi until J.J. Abrams saves us with The Rise of Skywalker." Sean said, imitating Anakin Skywalker.
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) Anakin tells Luke that he was right about him and to tell his sister the same before dying peacefully, leaving Luke to mourn over the death of his father.
"Hey, at least he's reunited with Padme." The Unusual Suspect said.
Sean: (Narrating) Luke manages to escape the Death Star just moments before Lando and Wedge knock out the main reactor in a scene which inspired the true ending to Star Fox 64. The Death Star blows up in one of the best explosions ever. Therefore, happy ending! Oh, yeah Leia tells Han that Luke is her brother with Han looking shocked after he saw the two kiss. Luke sets a funeral pyre for the body of his father, who's still in the armor of Darth Vader and the rebels have the greatest victories. Luke reunites with Han, Lando, Chewie, the droids and his sister Leia and the Ewoks while they celebrate.
"I heard a fan theory that the Ewoks are eating the stormtroopers. But I say that it's not true." Sean said.
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) Hell, even the dead characters return to celebrate this happy ending.
(We see the spirit figures of Obi-Wan Kenobi, Yoda and a redeemed Anakin Skywalker. P.S.: It's the Despecialized Version where Sebastian Shaw plays Anakin, not the 2004 special edition version with Hayden Christensen replacing Sebastian Shaw)
"I'm so glad that you're taking a look at the despecialized version of the film because I do not want to see Hayden Christensen in it." The Unusual Suspect said.
"Same here." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And our heroes live happily ever after….
(The end credits roll and we see the words "Directed by RICHARD MARQUAND" on the screen)
"So, that was Return of the Jedi and this was an epic grand finale. Maybe a little too epic." Sean said.
(Scenes from the movie are shown once more while the end credits theme for Return of the Jedi play)
Sean: (Narrating) My only nitpick about the movie was the film's climax. The first film's classic had the Death Star trench run, Empire had the escape from Cloud City and Luke's duel with Vader. But in Return of the Jedi, it gives us three climaxes. You have the Death Star space battle, the Luke/Vader/Emperor duel in the Death Star and the ground assault on Endor. Now, don't get me wrong I like it but it gets a bit jumbled at times.
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) The location was not impressive at times. We have Tatooine, which looks way better. We have the Death Star and we've seen the inside of it already and Endor is not too alien enough because you have to deal with the Ewoks.
Sean: (Narrating) As much as I like the Ewoks, to be honest, it was the film's low point which kinda slows the movie down. What I love about the Ewoks were the babies. They look so cute. The visual effects and the creature effects look amazing and John Williams' music score is beautifully composed as always. I can be on my break or bringing in carts at work and listen to the soundtracks by themselves.
The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) You have video games based on the film released on the Atari which was the Death Star battle. In the 90s, you have Super Return of the Jedi on the Super Nintendo, Game Boy and the Sega Game Gear.
"Dude, seriously. Super Star Wars Trilogy remastered on the PS4, Xbox One and the Nintendo Switch. Make it happen!" Sean exclaimed, pointing at the camera.
Sean: (Narrating) Just like Super Star Wars and Super The Empire Strikes Back were hard as shit but were very playable and have the best graphics. And when the movies were re-released in theaters back in 1997, Sega got their hands on the license and produced the awesome Star Wars Trilogy arcade game. It's a 3D on-the-rail shooter and the game was broken up into three individual movies. You have A New Hope where you do the Death Star trench run, Empire Strikes Back which focused on the Battle of Hoth. Return of the Jedi focused on the speederbike sequence and the second part where you battle over Endor and enter the Death Star. I remember playing the game when I was young. The only part that I played was the New Hope segment. Anyway, I consider this one to be my favorite as a kid. If Return of the Jedi is your favorite, you shouldn't feel bad if it's your favorite. It has some great action and Luke being the hero he was meant to be and the best ending. Aside from Avengers: Endgame, The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King and Toy Story 4 having the best endings, they may come close. The movie has a satisfying end to the original trilogy. And yes, I know. We have The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi and the upcoming The Rise of Skywalker in December, which is the finale to the Skywalker saga. Return of the Jedi is getting 4 furry and cuddly Ewoks out of 5.
"And that's all for today's review. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic." Sean said.
"And I'm The Unusual Suspect." The Unusual Suspect said. "Tune in next time when Sean and I review…"
"Oh, no! This is a one-man show, buddy. I'm reviewing The Force Awakens by myself. I am going to finish The Summer of Star Wars, so buzz off." Sean said.
"Fine. But before I go, I would like to play something." The Unusual Suspect said.
"What is it?" Sean asked.
An evil grin appears on The Unusual Suspect's face as he presses a button, playing the song Jedi Rocks.
"No. NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Sean screamed out while he runs out of the room.
"I'm the Unusual Suspect and he's Sean the Mayhem Critic and he'll see you guys next time." The Unusual Suspect said before ending the review.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- I am a Jedi, like my father before me.
And that was The Mayhem Critic's review of Return of the Jedi. I hope that you all liked this review and little co-review parody with my character and actual online movie critics. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean returns to a galaxy far, far away when he reviews Star Wars: The Force Awakens and asks if this was a long-awaited return to a beloved franchise or a cheap way to make money. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Speaking of stories, I will return to my other stories that I'm working on and doing some new one-shots for current shows and other shows. Which M-rated one-shot story do you want me to work on in September? Here's the list:
Twisted Love Games (Danny/Lacey/Jo, Twisted)
Fetching the Hot Guy (Taylor/Trip/Charlotte, American Housewife/Coop and Cami Ask the World)
Honeymoon Night (Ben/Mal, Descendants)
Attracted to His Sister (Brie/Taylor, American Housewife)
Birthday Beck (Andi/Amber/Jonah, Andi Mack)
Which one do you want me to write? Also, in September, I will be finishing up The Summer of Star Wars with The Last Jedi. Or I might finish it this month. In September, here are the films that I will be reviewing:
Shazam!
Detective Pikachu
Descendants 3
Who Framed Roger Rabbit
Hope that you're excited for the upcoming reviews. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.