The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Today, Sean the Mayhem Critic continues The Summer of Star Wars when Sean takes a look at the post-Disney Star Wars movies starting with the first film in the new trilogy Star Wars: The Force Awakens but the question remains, does it hold up to the original film or is it going to suck like the prequel trilogy? Well, grab yourself a cold one and pop some popcorn and enjoy this review.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Star Wars: The Force Awakens is owned by Lucasfilm LTD. and Disney.
The Summer of Star Wars Part 6: The Force Awakens
We open with Sean J. Archer a.k.a. The Mayhem Critic entering his living room and sitting on the couch. This time, we see that there's something different about our favorite critic. We see that he appears without his trademark glasses.
"Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one… and without glasses because I'm now wearing contacts. Anyway, today I'm continuing… THE SUMMER OF STAR WARS!" Sean said in a deep, booming voice before speaking in his normal voice. "Today, we're going to take a look at the post-Disney Star Wars films Star Wars: The Force Awakens."
(Clips from the film are shown and the Star Wars theme plays)
Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on December 18, 2015. After Disney acquired Lucasfilm in October 2012, this was the first of the Star Wars films to have no input from George Lucas. He wrote out plans for episodes VII-IX but Disney threw those ideas out the window, so a new story was penned by Toy Story 3 screenwriter Michael Arndt. He worked on the script for eight months but he said he needed 18 more. Sadly, Arndt left the project, so J.J. Abrams and Lawrence Kasdan took over script duties and whipped out the first draft of The Force Awakens in about six weeks. Several directors were considered to direct The Force Awakens, directors like David Fincher, Brad Bird, Ben Affleck and Guillermo del Toro. Then Abrams, who's known for creating the shows Felicity, Alias, Lost and Fringe and he directed Mission: Impossible III, which was very awesome, Super 8, Star Trek and Star Trek Into Darkness…
(A clip from Star Trek Into Darkness is shown)
Spock (Played by Zachary Quinto): Khan!
"Knock it off!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) When we saw the trailer for The Force Awakens, fans were hyped as hell. Seeing old, returning characters and returning to a galaxy far, far away. After the movie was released, it made a ton of money. Hey, your movie won't make a ton of money unless it has the name Star Wars and it was the first Star Wars movie in over a decade. The Force Awakens takes place a good thirty years after Return of the Jedi. Unless you want me to talk about the events of Star Wars Battlefront II and how we got here but that's for another time. The movie is about an unlikely hero from a desert planet who joins a band of rebels in a world-hopping adventure to stop an evil empire from using their super-secret planet-destroying superweapon…
"What the? Wait a minute, that's the plot to A New Hope and I already reviewed that one." Sean said as he picked up his Blu-Ray copy of The Force Awakens. "No, this says "The Force Awakens". Huh. Well, anyway. Let's return to a galaxy far, far away. This is Star Wars: The Force Awakens."
(The logo for the 1992 X-Men cartoon is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) "Previously on X-Men..." we get our opening text. We see that Luke Skywalker decided to get outta dodge right before the Galactic Empire... I mean, the First Order, was formed to track him down and kill him. Why? Because Warner Bros. is doing an adaptation of The Killing Joke. Well, he is The Joker and he wanted back in the BTAS universe. I'm kidding Luke is the last Jedi.
(A poster for Star Wars: The Last Jedi is shown)
Sean: (Narrating and coughs) Oh, bullshit! Princess Leia, who's now a general, leads a Resistance with the support of the Republic in a desperate search to find her brother and gain his help in restoring peace and justice to the galaxy. After our opening scrolling text, we see a familiar looking battlecruiser looming over the planet Jakku, sending their best stormtroopers down there. Why? Because of something important. We see that Lor San Tekka, played by the great Max von Sydow is handing Poe Dameron, a Resistance pilot, played by Oscar Isaac, some vital information on Luke's whereabouts. But enough about getting to know about the characters because the dreaded First Order is on their way and they start wrecking some shit while Poe and his little adorable droid BB-8 make their way to his X-Wing while a big firefight is going on and I just love this scene and the intense battle scene. While the stormtroopers are raiding the village and shooting at Poe, the heroic pilot has a secret mission for the little droid.
Poe Dameron (Played by Oscar Isaac): (To BB-8) You take this. It's safer with you than it is with me.
(He gives the map to BB-8)
Poe Dameron: You get as far away from here as you can. Do you hear me?
(BB-8 chirps)
Poe Dameron: I'll come back for you.
"Okay, those are the worst five words in the English language known to man. Trust me, I know. Have you ever watch It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia?" Sean asked.
(A clip from the It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia episode Thunder Gun Express is shown)
Charlie Kelly (Played by Charlie Day): I'll tell you what? We'll come back for you.
Dee Reynolds (Played by Kaitlin Olson): Yeah.
Mac (Played by Rob McElhenney): That's what I told Dennis and Frank and I was lying.
Dee Reynolds: I know. So are we!
Mac: You sons of bitches!
"Hell, Poe's probably lying when he told that BB-8 will be coming back for him." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) BB-8 leaves while Poe stays behind and shoots at some stormtroopers and in the midst of the chaos, one of the stormtroopers raised from birth to kill people sees the horrors of killing people. Oh, yeah. Just to let you guys know that stormtroopers bleed. That's funny because we've never seen stormtroopers bleed in the original trilogy. Anyway, time to introduce the big bad-bad guy of the movie Kylo Ren played by Adam Driver.
"And when I saw the movie and saw a photo of Kylo Ren, I thought that he was the most awesome character. Probably it's because of his mask and his voice and yes, I did buy the action figure. And when The Last Jedi came out, I bought the action figure of him unmasked and his Tie Silencer." Sean said. "So yeah, he's joining the awesome Star Wars villains like Darth Maul, Count Dooku and Darth Vader."
Sean: (Narrating) Kylo Ren arrives at the village of Tuanul and interrogates Tekka about the map to Skywalker.
Kylo Ren (Played by Adam Driver) The map to Skywalker. We know you found it. And now you're going to give it to the First Order.
Lor San Tekka (Played by Max von Sydow): The First Order rose from the dark side. You did not.
Kylo Ren: I'll show you the dark side.
"I will show you the movie BlacKkKlansman. That will show you the dark side." Sean said imitating Kylo Ren, mentioning the movie which starred Adam Driver.
Lor San Tekka: You may try. But you cannot deny the truth that is your family.
Kylo Ren: You're so right.
(Ren kills Tekka by striking him down with his lightsaber. Poe shoots at Ren from cover, but Ren freezes the blaster bolt in mid-air with the Force)
"Kylo Ren managed to kill off Max von Sydow and stop a blaster bolt with the Force. Oh, yeah. He's the most awesome thing about this movie." Sean said with a smile on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) But Poe ends up getting captured by Ren and his stormtroopers and we get some light-hearted humor from Oscar Isaac.
Poe Dameron: (To Kylo Ren) So, who talks first? You talk first? I talk first?
Kylo Ren: The old man gave it to you.
Poe Dameron: It's just very hard to understand you with all the…
Kylo Ren: Search him.
Poe Dameron: …apparatus.
"Hey, after seeing somebody get killed and getting ready to be interrogated, Poe simply manages to make the audience laugh with some humor. Even though he's going to get killed by the First Order." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Ren decided to interrogate Poe back on their ship. But what about the villagers?
Kylo Ren: Kill them all.
"What?" Sean asked.
(The First Order stormtroopers aim their blasters at the villagers)
Captain Phasma (Played by Gwendoline Christie): On my command.
"Isn't a bit drastic? I mean, there's no need to kill the villagers. Think of the innocent women and children." Sean said.
Captain Phasma: Fire.
(The stormtroopers massacre the villagers)
"Uh, why would you kill them all? You do realize that you're gonna miss anyway because we all know that stormtroopers have very shitty accuracy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But the horrors of war and death prove too much for a certain stormtrooper by the name of FN-2187, played by John Boyega.
"Yes! We get a black stormtrooper in a Star Wars movie! My people are proud! Wait, were there any black stormtroopers in the original trilogy or were they just clones of Jango Fett?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Captain Phasma, played by Brienne of Tarth (Gwendoline Christie), tells him to submit his blaster for inspection because he didn't fire his blaster and what he did was insubordination and he should be punished. But enough about him, we cut back to Jakku, where we're introduced to a young scavenger who's scavenging some salvage in a downed Star Destroyer.
"Why is there a downed Star Destroyer in the middle of a desert? Christ, do you want me to talk about the Battle of Jakku from Star Wars Battlefront II? Yet, the game was released two years after The Force Awakens." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that the scavenger named Rey, played by Daisy Ridley, heads down do Niima Outpost with her sack of salvage. She goes to Unkar Plutt, played by Simon Pegg…
J.J. Abrams Actor Appearance Counter #1
Sean: (Narrating) …to exchange her scraps for some food. And what does he give her?
Unkar Plutt (Played by Simon Pegg): …one quarter portion.
"One quarter portion? You cheap bastard! You better get me something more because I need myself a nice, juicy steak." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We get a look into Rey's home life as we see that she lives in a downed AT-AT and we see that the food that she eats consists of Insta-Bread.
(We see the bread forming into a bowl)
"Fun fact: that is not CGI. That was real. The film's special effects supervisor Chris Corbould said that Rey's Insta-Bread took an insane amount of time to produce. That is a pretty impressive effect. Chris Corbould gets a gold star." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) While enjoying her meal and playing around with a Rebel helmet, she comes across some scavenger who's messing around with BB-8. So, Rey tells the scavenger to let the expensive-looking droid go and we get this adorable little moment.
(BB-8 chirps happily and tries to follow Rey)
Rey (Played by Daisy Ridley): Don't follow me. Town is that way.
(BB-8 sighs and chirps)
Rey: No!
"Oh, come on. Look at him. He's a little adorable ball of joy. Either that or she don't like balls." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But eventually, Rey allows BB-8 to follow her around. Back with the First Order and in their awesome looking Resurgent-class Star Destroyer Finalizer, Poe is being tortured by Kylo Ren for vital information for the map to Skywalker. But he has a certain Force power to get into someone's mind and probe the information out of them.
(Ren uses his mind probe Force power to pry the information from Poe's mind)
Kylo Ren: Where is it?
Poe Dameron: (Straining) The Resistance… will not be intimidated by you.
Kylo Ren: (Continues to us his mind probe Force power on Poe) Where… is it?
(Poe grunts and yells)
"I think that was Oscar Isaac's reaction to being cast as Apocalypse in X-Men: Apocalypse." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After interrogating Poe, Kylo Ren tells General Armitage Hux, played by Bill Weasley himself Domhnall Gleeson, that the map to Skywalker is in BB-8.
General Hux (Played by Domhnall Gleeson): Well, then, if it's on Jakku, we'll soon have it.
Kylo Ren: I leave that to you.
"Throughout this review, I will be calling General Hux "Lil' Hitler". You'll see why I'm calling that character that. Plus, Domhnall Gleeson hams up his acting in this movie and The Last Jedi." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back on Jakku, Rey and BB-8 arrive at Niima Outpost to haul more scavenged salvage to Unkar Plutt and we learn a little something about Rey.
Rey: I know all about waiting.
(BB-8 chirps inquisitively)
Rey: For my family. They'll be back. One day.
"You think that your family will be back for you? Here's what I think happened to your family." Sean said.
(A clip from Batman '89 is shown as we see Bruce's parents getting shot by young Jack Napier)
"Yeah. That's probably what happened to your parents. I don't think that they'll be coming back for you." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But hey, it looks like Rey gets to eat when Unkar offers her a shitload of money in exchange for the little droid that she just met and had no idea where he came from.
Rey: Actually… The droid's not for sale.
"Besides, we need that little droid for the movie. He's important plot relevance. Also, he's adorable!" Sean exclaimed with a smile on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) But Unkar is livid about Rey turning down his offer and sinisterly plots to get the droid from her. Back on the Star Destroyer Finalizer, FN-2187 decides to be good and rescues Poe so they can make their escape.
FN-2187 (Played by John Boyega): This is a rescue. I'm helping you escape. Can you fly a TIE fighter?
Poe Dameron: You're with the Resistance?
FN-2187: What? No, no, no. I'm breaking you out. Can you fly a TIE fighter?
Poe Dameron: I can fly anything. Why? Why are you helping me?
"Because the plot told him too and people are writing naughty fanfiction about you two." Sean said.
FN-2187: Because it's the right thing to do.
"Well, that's close enough." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, the two of them steal a TIE fighter to make their escape. With Poe flying and FN-2187 manning the turrets, they're home fr…
(They try to fly the TIE fighter out of the hangar of the Star Destroyer, but it can't fly out because of the tether cable on it)
"Okay, why the hell is there a tether on a TIE fighter? Were the First Order afraid that somebody might jack one of their TIE fighters and go out on a joyride?" Sean asked.
First Order Officer (Played by Thomas Brodie-Sangster): We have an unsanctioned departure from bay two.
"And we get a little cameo from Thomas Brodie-Sangster, the voice of Ferb from Disney's Phineas and Ferb. And he is also famous for…" Sean said.
(A clip from the fourth season of Game of Thrones is shown, showing Thomas Brodie-Sangster's character Jojen Reed getting stabbed to death by a Wight)
"Yeah. That show. Great, you have two actors from Game of Thrones and one of them survived 8 seasons." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, FN-2187 start wrecking some shit by shooting at the First Order stormtroopers before they fly outta there and destroying some of the Star Destroyer's cannons and FN-2187 and Poe make introductions.
Poe Dameron: Hey, what's your name?
FN-2187: FN-2187.
Poe Dameron: F… What?
FN-2187: That's the only name they ever gave me.
Poe Dameron: Well, I ain't using it. F-N, huh? Finn. I'm gonna call you Finn. Is that all right?
Finn: Finn. Yeah. Finn, I like that. I like that.
Poe Dameron: I'm Poe. Poe Dameron.
"Uh, guys. No time for introductions. You have the First Order on your tail and that their getting ready to use their ventral cannons to shoot you down." Sean said.
General Hux: Fire.
(The Star Destroyer fires it ventral cannons at the TIE fighter)
"Told ya." Sean said.
Finn: Where are we going?
Poe Dameron: We're going back to Jakku. That's where.
Finn: No, no, no. We can't go back to Jakku. We need to get out of this system.
Poe Dameron: I gotta get my droid before the First Order does.
Finn: What, a droid?
Poe Dameron: That's right. He's a BB unit, orange and white. One of a kind.
Finn: I don't care what color he is! No droid can be that important.
Poe Dameron: This one is, pal!
Finn: We gotta get as far away from the First Order as we can. We go back to Jakku, we die.
Poe Dameron: That droid has a map that leads straight to Luke Skywalker.
Finn: Oh, you gotta be kidding me!
"Who cares about Luke Skywalker? I don't! We don't need a map." Sean said, imitating Finn.
Sean: (Narrating) But Finn and Poe end up getting shot down by the First Order and they crash land on Jakku. With Finn ejecting from the TIE fighter. Poe however…
(He finds Poe's jacket and grabs it, but the fighter sinks into the sand. Then, the Super Mario Bros. death sound starts playing right when the TIE fighter sinks into the sand)
"Oh, well. I'm sure he'll be alright." Sean said.
(The TIE fighter explodes into the sand)
(A clip from Star Trek is shown)
Dr. McCoy (Played by the late DeForest Kelley): He's dead, Jim.
(The theme to Lawrence of Arabia plays while Finn walks through the desert)
Sean: (Narrating) All by himself and ditching his stormtrooper armor. Finn wanders through the desert thirsting for water while I am tempted to make an Uncharted 3 joke until he arrives at the Niima Outpost and asks for some water until he finds an animal trough where a giant pig alien is drinking water. But his thirst quenching moment is interrupted when he notices some thugs trying to steal BB-8. BB-8 notices Finn wearing Poe's jacket and then this happens.
Rey: (Sees Finn) Him?
(BB-8 chirps as Rey runs after him)
"Damn! She must really want some of Finn's Vitamin D." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Rey attacks Finn and her and BB-8 assume that he's a thief. After Finn explains to them that Poe Dameron is his friend and that he died, they jump to an even more conclusion.
Rey: So you're with the Resistance?
Finn: Obviously. (Gets up from off of the ground) Yes, I am. I'm with the Resistance, yeah. (Whispers) I am with the Resistance.
"Dude, chill out. Are you trying to get laid here?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) After Finn explains to Rey what's going on, the First Order shows up and in record time. I guess Rey's boss trying to get that droid by any means necessary is a really bad business idea because they start shooting up the marketplace and we see how horrible shots they are.
Rey: (While Finn is holding her hand) Let go of me!
Finn: Come on, we gotta move!
Rey: I know how to run without you holding my hand!
"Did you hear that?! She's not a helpless princess! She knows how to take care of herself! She isn't a Mary Sue, not like that Leia chick!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) The First Order calls in an air strike by having TIE fighters destroying some shit. Well, the best thing to do is to lose them in a ship. Unfortunately, their preferred ship blows up and their stuck with a piece of junk. And that piece of junk happens to be the Millennium Falcon. Hell, Rey pilots the Falcon like a boss because she's a professional. Finn, who's raised from birth to become a soldier tries to work the turret which ends up getting stuck in a tactical position while Rey pulls off some of her awesome flying skills by flying through a downed Star Destroyer and then we get the most awesome stunt ever.
(Rey turns off the Falcon's thrusters, giving Finn a clear shot at the TIE fighter, shooting at it and destroying it before she turns the thrusters back on)
Finn: Whoo!
"Okay, that was pretty awesome." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back on the Star Destroyer Finalizer, one of the First Order lieutenants Dopheld Mitaka, played by Sebastian Armesto, updates Kylo Ren on the progress of capturing the droid.
Lieutenant Mitaka (Played by Sebastian Armesto): …we were unable to acquire the droid on Jakku.
(Kylo Ren turns to Lt. Mitaka)
Lieutenant Mitaka: It escaped capture aboard a stolen Corellian YT model freighter.
Kylo Ren: The droid stole a freighter?
Lieutenant Mitaka: Not exactly, sir. It had help. We had no confirmation but we believe FN-2187 may have helped in the escape.
(Ren activates his lightsaber and starts lashing out in a fuel-raged tantrum, slashing an instrument panel)
We cut back to Sean, who's busy chuckling a bit. "Sorry about that. But seeing Kylo Ren throwing a temper tantrum like a three-year-old has to be the most hilarious moment ever."
Kylo Ren: Anything else?
Lieutenant Mitaka: The two were accompanied by a girl.
(The screen turns black and white and we freeze on Lt. Mitaka)
Sean: (as Announcer) It was at that moment that Mitaka knew he fucked up.
(Kylo Ren uses the Force to pull Mitaka by his throat across the room and chokes him with his bare hands)
"Jesus!" Sean yelled out.
(A clip from Regular Show is shown)
Mordecai (Voiced by J.G. Quintel): (Crosses his arms at Rigby): You pissed me off.
"You know, it's weird that he doesn't kill the officers like Vader did, he just destroys their equipment." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back on the Millennium Falcon, we see that the ship breaks down and is in need of some major repairs. Rey wants to go to the Resistance base and asks Finn where it is, so he must extract the information from BB-8
Finn: (To BB-8 and whispers) All right, between us I'm not with the Resistance, okay?
(BB-8 backs away a bit)
Finn: I'm just trying to get away from the First Order. But you tell us where the base is, I'll get you there first. Deal?
(BB-8 tilts his head)
Finn: Droid, please!
"Look, I'm trying to get laid here and Rey's looking sexy as fuck, so please don't ruin this for me." Sean said, imitating Finn.
Sean: (Narrating) BB-8 tells her that the Resistance base is on the Ileenium system and BB-8 is okay with deception. But they're going to have to wait to get there because the ship gets caught in a tractor beam by a freighter. Thinking that it's the First Order out to get them, our heroes hide in the compartment. But who's out to get them?
(We see that the former owners of the Millennium Falcon, Han Solo and Chewbacca, are boarding the ship)
Han Solo (Played by Harrison Ford): (Smiles) Chewie, we're home.
(Chewie growls)
"Now get rid of the Dr. Pepper cherry cans and wipe your feet. You weren't raised in a barn. And clean up after yourself after you finish taking a shower." Sean said, imitating Han Solo.
Sean: (Narrating) It's none other than Han Solo and Chewbacca, played once again by Harrison Ford and the late Peter Mayhew. Also, Joonas Suotamo played Chewbacca as well in more scenes. But hey, Han's not an asshole considering he doesn't mind it when he finds that two ship thieves. And Rey fangirls about being in the Millennium Falcon and seeing Han Solo.
Rey: This is the Millennium Falcon? You're Han Solo?
Han Solo: I used to be.
Finn: Han Solo, the Rebellion general?
Rey: No, the smuggler.
Finn: Wasn't he a war hero?
(Chewie grunts)
Rey: This is the ship that made the Kessel Run in 14 parsecs?
Han Solo: Twelve! (Scoffs) Fourteen.
"Nice to see Harrison Ford play one of the roles that made him big once more. Now, if only they get him to play as Jack Ryan once more if they do a film adaptation of Tom Clancy's Debt of Honor." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) I just love how Harrison Ford enters the cockpit and smiles. I bet ya he had the same smile when he put on the fedora once more in Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Anyway, Han's not amused to join any resistance any time soon because all that is going to have to wait because he's hauling Rathtars on this freighter. Oh, and there's a little issue involving a crime gang tracking him down.
"Wait, what's a Rathtar?" Sean asked.
Han Solo: They're big and they're dangerous.
Finn: You ever heard of the Trillia Massacre?
Rey: No.
Finn: Good.
"Trillia Massacre? Did it involve a bunch of furry little fuzzballs. No, wait. That was Star Trek. Wait, did it involve two hot chicks scissoring like what I saw Celeste Star and Kayden Kross did in that lesbian video? Wait, that's tribbing. How the hell should I know what the Trillia Massacre is?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Han tells Rey and Finn to hide while he attempts to talk his way out of having a confrontation with the leader of the Guavian Death Gang Bala-Tik, played by Brian Vernel.
Bala-Tik (Played by Brian Vernel): We want our money back now.
Han Solo: You think hunting Rathtars is cheap? I spent that money.
"I spent that money on All Girl Massage, Brazzers, Reality Kings videos and Girlsway lesbian DVDs. What did you expect? I love watching hot girl-on-girl action. And boy, when I saw Abella Danger and Molly Stewart going to town on each other, I definitely shot first." Sean said with a naughty smirk while imitating Han Solo.
Sean: (Narrating) But then Kanjiklub shows up and their leader Tasu Leech, played by professional martial artist Yayan Ruhian, wants his money as well.
Han Solo: Boys, you're both gonna get what I promised. Have I ever not delivered for you before?
Bala-Tik: Yeah.
Tasu Leech (Played by Yayan Ruhian): (Speaking in alien dialect): Twice!
(Chewie nods his head)
"Han, buddy. The Kanjiklub crime gang is composed of two of the actors from The Raid 2." Sean said as a photo of Yayan Ruhian as Tasu Leech and Iko Uwais as Razoo Quin-Fee and their characters Rama and Prakoso from The Raid 2 pops up next to Sean. "So yeah, I suggest that you give them what they want before they end up fucking you up big time."
Sean: (Narrating) But Bala-Tik recognizes the BB unit and say that the First Order is looking for a droid just like it and two fugitives. Hey, Han mentioned something about carrying some Rathtars aboard this vessel so while messing with the fuses, Rey accidentally releases the Rathtars and now it's time to get the hell out of here when the tentacled monsters in question start taking out the gangs. And now it's time to use the Millennium Falcon to escape. In the midst of the chaos, Chewie gets into a shoot-out with the thugs while Han tries to get the door open.
(One of the thugs manage to hit Chewie in the arm. Chewie roars)
Han Solo: Chewie!
"One guy managed to hit Chewie in the arm, and he wasn't a stormtrooper." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And our heroes manage to escape the Rathtar mayhem and the gangs. We cut to the Starkiller Base, a base named after Luke's original surname which was "Luke Starkiller" and the name of a character in The Force Unleashed, we see that Kylo Ren and Lil' Hitler are speaking with Supreme Leader Snoke, played by prolific CGI Mo-Cap actor Andy Serkis and...
Supreme Leader Snoke (Played by Andy Serkis): If Skywalker returns, the new Jedi will rise.
"Holy shit! That's the new emperor for the movie? That guy's fucking huge!" Sean exclaimed.
General Hux: Supreme Leader, I take full responsibility…
Supreme Leader Snoke: (Gets up from off of his throne) General!
"Yikes!" Sean exclaimed as he sits back in fear.
Sean: (Narrating) Aside from him being intimidating as hell, we see that the Supreme Leader has read ahead-in-the-script powers and reveals some shocking information for the audience.
Supreme Leader Snoke: The droid we seek is aboard the Millennium Falcon in the hands of your father... Han Solo.
"What?!" Sean exclaimed as he removes his glasses from off of his face, then realizes that he's wearing contacts before throwing his glasses away. "What?!"
Supreme Leader Snoke: The droid we seek is aboard the Millennium Falcon in the hands of your father... Han Solo.
"Kylo Ren is Han Solo's son?" Sean asked.
"This is much better than Legends. Think the big issue it had was too many authors, and no way to figure out what worked and what didn't." Brian said.
Kylo Ren: By the grace of your training, I will not be seduced.
Supreme Leader Snoke: We shall see. We shall see.
(We see that Snoke was a large remote hologram projection)
"Oh, piss off, movie! You made me think that he was big and intimidating." Sean said.
(A clip from WWE Raw is shown, showing Kurt Angle's entrance while the audience chants "You Suck")
Sean: (Narrating) Back on the Millennium Falcon, we see that the ship is still acting up and they might not make it because of it's hyperdrive acting up, but Rey and her knowledge of ships bypasses the compressor and fixes the issue while Finn patches up Chewie.
(While Finn is attempting to bandage Chewie's arm, Chewie roars at BB-8. The little droid yelps and rolls away)
Han Solo: You hurt Chewie, you're gonna deal with me!
Finn: Hurt him? He almost killed me six times!
(Chewie grabs Finn by his throat)
Finn: (Choking) Which is fine!
"Be careful, Finn. Wookie's are known for ripping off someone's arms. Trust me, I know. I've seen that happen. Not a pretty sight." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After Rey fixes up the problem and shows up one of the original cast members, Han tells them that the Jedi, the Force and all that good stuff is 100% real right before they arrive at planet Takodana.
"Planet Takodana. Sounds like the name of a Mexican restaurant from where I live." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) No, it's not the name of a Mexican restaurant, it's a lush, forest planet. But before they see an old friend of Han's, Han gives Rey a blaster.
Rey: I think I can handle myself.
Han Solo: I know you do. That's why I'm giving it to you. Take it.
(Rey points her blaster)
Han Solo: You know how to use one of those?
Rey: Yeah. You pull the trigger.
Han Solo: Little bit more to it than that.
"He has to give her a little lesson on how to properly use a blaster that way she won't act like a complete idiot while using it. Hell, she might end up hitting BB-8." Sean said. "Or she might accidentally shoot you in the face with it like what Dick Cheney did when he accidentally shot his hunting buddy in the face."
Sean: (Narrating) They enter a castle which is the new version of the Cantina scene from A New Hope and they bump into this movie's version of Yoda, Maz Kanata voiced by Lupita Nyong'o from Black Panther, and ask for her guidance. Speaking of guidance, we check back in with Kylo Ren as we see him in his meditation chamber and seeks guidance from someone from the past.
Kylo Ren: Show me again, the power of the darkness, and I will let nothing stand in our way. Show me… Grandfather… and I will finish… what you started.
(Kylo Ren walks away and we see Darth Vader's burned helmet)
"How the hell did he manage to get Vader's helmet? I swear if he pulls a Cheryl Blossom." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Han talks to Maz and tells her that the droid is carrying a map to Skywalker and that they need to get the droid to Leia.
Maz Kanata (Voiced by Lupita Nyong'o): Han. (Speaks alien dialect) Go home.
"Well, that trip was completely worthless. Guess I'll go home now. Bye!" Sean said as he got up from off of the couch and leaves the room.
Finn: There is no fight against the First Order. Not one we can win. Look around. There's no chance we haven't been recognized already. I bet you the First Order is on their way right…
(Finn sees that Maz is messing with her goggles)
Finn: What's this? What are you doing?
"Oh, boy. Maz is being weird again. I knew this was such a bad idea." Sean said, imitating Han Solo.
Sean: (Narrating) But things aren't all hunky dory in the hood when Finn decides that he's had enough and get the hell away from the First Order as far away as possible.
"Because really, in order for the hero's journey to work, you have to refuse call. You pussy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. By the way, Rey. I lied about being in the Resistance because I was a stormtrooper but I made a choice. And the reason why I said that I was in the Resistance is because I find you hot like Dillion Harper and I want to bone you. After Finn decides to GTFO, Rey hears a voice, feeling her Force senses tingling when she heads downstairs and finds what's in the box. Which is a lightsaber that belonged to Anakin and Luke. And then we get a series of trippy visions of Cloud City, Kylo Ren and the Knights of Ren and Young Rey.
"Either those visons were trippy or just nightmare fuel that would scar a kid for life." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But Maz believes that Rey is ready to face those demons and save the galaxy.
Maz Kanata: I am no Jedi, but I know the Force. It moves through and surrounds every living thing. Close your eyes. Feel it. The light, it's always been there. It will guide you. The saber. Take it.
Rey: I'm never touching that thing again.
"Isn't that what my girlfriend said to me after sex?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, Rey refuses the call after that horrific vision. Hey, they need some great tragedy in order for them to get back on track. Meanwhile at the Starkiller Base, the First Order are preparing to charge up their superweapon. But before we see the power of this deadly battle station, General Hux has to make his epic bad guy speech.
General Hux: This fierce machine which you have built upon which we stand will bring an end to the Senate! To their cherished fleet! All remaining systems will bow to the First Order! And will remember this as the last day of the Republic!
(The First Order stormtroopers and officers raise their fists in salute)
"Okay, I just love how Hitler-esque that they made General Hux in this one. And you want to know what's missing for the character? A Hitler mustache to add to this character." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) They fire that bad boy up and this movie's version of the Death Star is so powerful, in can fire multiple shots through hyperspace, destroying an entire planetary system, including the heart of the Republic.
(We see that Hosnian Prime, the capital of the New Republic, getting obliterated in one fell swoop)
"I feel a great disturbance in the Force. Almost as if a great deal of script pages were copied and pasted. Either that or it's bacon cheeseburger from Five Guys Burgers and Fries." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) No joking aside, this is one of the best scenes ever. John Williams is on point. The Starkiller track is a tragic sounding piece as you see the planets getting destroyed. The scene is genuinely haunting, beautiful and heartbreaking. Watching this scene and seeing the powerlessness of the victims struck me hard. Aside from John Williams' music, I especially enjoyed the cinematography from Dan Mindel. I just loved seeing General Hux with the light from the laser on his face before we cut to Kylo Ren watching the beams as they shoot by. That is amazing cinematography. After the destruction of Hosnian Prime, the First Order arrives and start destroying some shit while Kylo Ren goes after Rey. But don't worry though, we see that Han and Finn are getting ready to take on the First Order but Maz wants to give them the lightsaber first.
Maz Kanata: (Pulls out the lightsaber) Kept it locked away.
Han Solo: Where'd you get that?
Maz Kanata: A good question. For another time.
"Yeah, I'm curious to know where the hell did she get the lightsaber from. Didn't Luke lose it and his hand on Cloud City during his duel with Vader?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Rey tries to fend off some of the stormtroopers in the woods while Han, Chewie and Finn take on the stormtroopers at the castle. And I would be a monster if I don't talk about this little moment.
FN-2199: Traitor!
(FN-2199 throws down his blaster and shield and wields a Z6 riot control baton and fights Finn, who's wielding the lightsaber)
"Hey, the stormtroopers can't aim for shit but these baton-wielding guys sure can fight." Sean said.
(FN-2199 gets shot by Han, who's using Chewbacca's bowcaster)
"Only for him to get his ass shot by the OG Solo." Sean said as he slaps his forehead in annoyance.
Sean: (Narrating) But the Resistance arrives to fight the first order in an intense and awesome battle sequences ever. Meanwhile, Rey runs into Kylo Ren and Force probes her mind for the map. So, he kidnaps her until Han witnesses his son. But wait, it's tie for Han to reunite with Leia, played by the late Carrie Fisher. That is until their reunion is interrupted by this golden metallic dildo.
C-3PO (Played by Anthony Daniels): Goodness! Han Solo! It is I, C-3PO. You probably don't recognize me because of the red arm.
"Ugh. Fuckin' C-3PO. Han and Leia were trying to have a moment here. Jesus." Sean said.
Han Solo: You changed your hair.
General Leia Organa (Played by the late Carrie Fisher): Same jacket.
Han Solo: No, new jacket.
"Ruining the moment aside, it's great seeing Anthony Daniels again." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Han tells Leia that he saw their son and that he was here. Then we cut the Resistance base on D'Qar and Finn reunites with Poe and asks for his help when he takes him to Leia and Finn tells her and the Resistance about the Starkiller Base and what he knows. Back on the Starkiller Base, Rey is about to be interrogated by Kylo Ren and we see what he really looks like underneath that helmet.
(Kylo Ren takes off his helmet. The love theme from Dumb and Dumber starts playing as Rey sees what he looks like)
"Damn! She definitely wants the "D" from the dude from Girls." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah. Kylo Ren is not an alien or some hairy-looking creature, he's just a good-looking guy. Thus, giving birth to Reylo fanfics and naughty Reylo drawings.
Kylo Ren: You know I can take whatever I want.
"Her virginity?" Sean asked.
(Kylo Ren tries to Force probe Rey's mind)
"Or just look into Rey's mind with the Force." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The Jedi Knight tries to Force finger her mind for the information he needs on the location of Skywalker, but things aren't going according to plan when he has a difficult time trying to get inside Rey's panties… I mean, mind!
Rey: You. You're afraid. That you will never be as strong as Darth Vader.
(Ren stops reading Rey's mind)
Sean starts laughing a bit. "Okay, why does it look like he's about to start crying and run to Supreme Leader Snoke?"
Sean: (Narrating) And what do you know, he does and Snoke is not too happy because he found out that he got the girl instead of the droid because he was sure to extract the map from her memory because big shock… she's got the Force. Yeah, she never knew it till now but it turns out that she's Force sensitive and despite her lack of Jedi training, Rey is able to do the Jedi mind trick on an idiotic stormtrooper, giving her a chance to escape.
Rey: (After the stormtrooper opens the door) And you'll drop your weapon.
First Order Stormtrooper: And I'll drop my weapon.
(The stormtrooper drops his weapon)
(A clip from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone is shown)
Hermione Granger (Played by Emma Watson): What an idiot.
Sean: (Narrating) And when Kylo discovers that Rey escaped, he takes it quite literally well.
Kylo Ren: No.
(He activates his lightsaber)
Kylo Ren: (Yelling) Guards!
(Kylo Ren starts slashing at the empty restraint chair, then we cut to two stormtroopers walking in the hallway and notice Kylo having another fit of rage before walking away)
"Okay, I just love how those two stormtroopers casually just walked away. I wonder what the two of them were talking about while all this is happening." Sean said.
(The scene is shown again)
Sean: (V/O as Stormtrooper #1) Did you see that guy try to face off against FN-2187 in a lightsaber duel? He ended up getting… (Stops and notices Kylo having another fit) Whoa!
Kylo Ren: Guards!
Brian: (V/O as Stormtrooper #2) Should we go see what he wants?
Sean: No. Just walk away, Jonah. We didn't see anything.
Brian: Now he's mad.
Sean: You think?
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, the Starkiller Base is charging up it's weapon by using the power of the sun, draining it until it disappears. So, the Resistance plan their attack on the base.
Poe Dameron: So we disable the shields, we take out the oscillator and we blow up their big gun.
"Hey, the Empire built a gigantic superweapon with a weak spot that a small band of rebels can exploit the whole thing and blow it up. This is A New Hope all over again. Seriously?!" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) So, the Resistance gets ready to go into action with Han, Finn and Chewie volunteering to disable the shield from the inside of the base and before they leave, Han and Leia have their little moment together.
Han Solo: It wasn't all bad, wasn't it. Huh? Some of it was… good.
General Leia Organa: Pretty good.
(Han chuckles)
Han Solo: Some things never change.
General Leia Organa: True. You still drive me crazy.
"Yeah, I remember the time when we had sex to Yub Nub and made Kylo. I definitely shot first inside you. That was some great times." Sean said, imitating Han Solo.
(Han hugs Leia)
General Leia Organa: If you see our son… bring him home.
"And please, don't die. I'm not saying that you're gonna die but please no dying. We need you to get home safely." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And so the Battle of Starkiller Base begins as Han does something that almost kills him, Chewie and Finn by going through the base's shields at lightspeed and making a rough landing.
"I told you, never let Harrison Ford fly anything." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After that rough landing, Finn, Han and Chewie prepare to sneak into the main base and they end up capturing Captain Phasma and we get this funny little bit.
Captain Phasma: FN-2187.
Finn: Not anymore. The name's Finn and I'm in charge. I'm in charge now, Phasma. I'm in charge.
Han Solo: Bring it down. Bring it down.
(A clip from Captain Phillips is shown)
Muse (Played by Barkhad Abdi): Look at me.
Captain Richard Phillips (Played by Tom Hanks): Sure.
Muse: I'm the captain now.
Sean: (Narrating) They get Phasma to lower the shields and they throw her in the garbage chute. Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen! They just killed off the most awesome looking character of the movie. So now, a big battle filled with explosions start as the Resistance begin their attack on the base. Back to Han and Finn, they bump into Rey and they get ready to plant thermal detonators inside the base and while doing so, Han manages to find his son at last.
Han Solo: Ben!
(Kylo turns and sees his father)
Kylo Ren: Han Solo. I've been waiting for this day for a long time.
"What have I told you, Ben? No staying up past midnight, no dark side, no killing Max von Sydow and no destroying planets. Ben Solo, you are so grounded! Your mother and I were worried sick!" Sean exclaimed, imitating Han Solo.
Sean: (Narrating) Han attempts to get his son to reject Snoke and return to the light side of the Force. Look, I know that Lawrence Kasdan wrote the script and him and Harrison Ford had a disagreement on killing off Han Solo in Return of the Jedi. There's no way that they're going to…
(Kylo ignites his lightsaber through Han's torso)
(Finn gasps and Chewie howls)
Rey: No!
"What the shit?!" Sean yelled out in shock.
Kylo Ren: Thank you.
(Han strokes Kylo's face for the last time, then falls to his death)
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see Sean, playing the janitor once again and we see him mopping the floor and whistling until we see Adam, who's playing Han Solo, falling to his death and lands down on the ground in front of him)
Sean: Oh, for the love of… COME ON! I gotta get that transfer to the Supremacy.
(He starts mopping Adam away)
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
"Jesus, what a kick to the nuts for every Star Wars fan. Seeing this beloved character that we all love getting the axe. At work, my friend Amanda was pissed off at the movie for killing off Han Solo and she said that she will never watch another Star Wars movie because of that scene. I think we can all blame Lawrence Kasdan for making that happen. Thank you, Lawrence." Sean said before pulling out his green lightsaber and going into a fit of rage. "YOU SCREENWRITING BASTARD! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU!"
Brian and Taylor enter the living room to try to restrain a lightsaber-wielding Sean.
"Sean, put the lightsaber down before you kill somebody with it!" Brian exclaimed.
"I will become the most powerful Jedi in the galaxy and I will kill the shit out of you!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) After that painful blow and after Chewie giving Kylo a painful blow to the abdomen with the bowcaster, they detonate the charges and we get explosions galore as Finn and Rey run into Kylo Ren, with Kylo Force pushing Rey into a tree and…
Kylo Ren: (Yelling) Traitor!
"Oh, Christ. Now, Kylo Ren is turning into that stormtrooper." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) With Rey knocked out, it's just Finn and Kylo Ren in the Dark Forest and they're about to have an epic lightsaber duel.
Kylo Ren: That lightsaber. It belongs to me.
Finn: Come get it.
(The screen turns black and white and we freeze on Finn)
Sean: (v/o as Morgan Freeman) It was at this very moment that Finn knew he fucked up.
(We see Kylo Ren injuring Finn by pushing the lightsaber onto Finn's shoulder as New Age Outlaws' theme from WWE starts playing)
Sean: (V/O) Your ass better call SOMEBODYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
(Kylo slashes Finn on his back)
"Well, at least he tried. What am I saying? He sucked!" Sean exclaimed. "This dude is a Jedi Knight who would end up fucking you up big time. Who did you expect, Darth Maul?!"
Sean: (Narrating) But then another contestant enters the ring and it's Rey who wants to challenge Kylo to a duel. And being a scavenger all her life and being the best pilot in the movie, somehow she's the best swordsman as well as she does better than Finn.
"I have only two words for you… MORTAL KOMBAT!" Sean yelled out in excitement.
(The Mortal Kombat theme plays during Rey and Kylo Ren's lightsaber duel)
"That's right, Rey. Teach that parent killer the 'ol what for." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Oh yeah, Poe and the fighters fly through the trenches of the Starkiller Base like the Death Star trench run and destroys the oscillator. But back to the duel, Rey and Kylo continues to fight each other and then…
Kylo Ren: You need a teacher. I could show you the ways of the Force.
Rey: (Softly) The Force?
"Hmm, interesting offer. Join you so you could show me the ways of the Force and act like your grandfather and slaughter children with his lightsaber. As tempting as it sounds, I believe that Rey is going to take Option F for FUCK HIS ASS UP!" Sean yelled out.
(We see Rey wounding Kylo once more, then she severs his lightsaber in two and gives him a severe wound to the face)
"Ouch, that's going to leave a scar for the rest of his life." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Rey kicks Kylo Ren's ass up and down the planet, but for an excuse to be more sequels the planet starts breaking apart, saving him from her fucking him up some more. And the planet/base/giant laser blows up. Just wait until The Rise of Skywalker for them to make Starkiller Base 2.0. Anyway, happy ending but sad ending because Han is dead and Leia won't see her husband but hey happy ending because R2-D2 wakes up and with some good news because he holds the map to Luke's location and with part of the map that BB-8 has, it reveals where Luke is at. And now, it's time for Rey heading to the island and finds him. They don't exchange words but just stare at each other.
(Rey presents Luke with his father's lightsaber without words and Luke looks at her)
"I bet you Mark Hamill is thinking right now, "Ah, shit. I thought I was out and now I'm back again and I'm voicing the Joker again as well in The Killing Joke, dammit!"." Sean said.
(The film ends with the words "Directed by J.J. ABRAMS" on the screen)
"And that was Star Wars: The Force Awakens and boy it was an excellent return and the wait for a new Star Wars movie was worth it." Sean said.
(The end credits theme starts playing while clips from the movie are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) The movie was quite a spectacle. It's a beautiful movie with beautiful art direction, great cinematography, great action and an amazing story. People complained that it's Episode IV all over again and even though it shares the same similarities to it, it's not. They're very different movies. The movie's amazing up until the death of Han Solo which pissed me and my mom off when we saw the movie on Christmas Day. I loved the acting in this movie. Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher were amazing as always. I wish that I could say the same for Mark Hamill but they had him at the end of the movie without saying any words. They made him the film's MacGuffin. As for the new additions, however. Daisy Ridley, John Boyega, Oscar Isaac and Adam Driver give it their all. The actors did an amazing job on this movie and so did J.J. Abrams, Michael Arndt, Lawrence Kasdan, John Williams and the rest of the cast and crew who worked on this movie and they should be awarded for doing a splendid job. Even though Return of the Jedi is my favorite, I consider The Force Awakens to be my favorite as well. This movie is worth watching for every Star Wars fan. Star Wars: The Force Awakens gets 5 baton-wielding stormtroopers out of 5.
"Well, that's all for today's review and I only got one Star Wars movie left to finish off The Summer of Star Wars." Sean said with a smile on his face for a bit until that smile goes away. "And this one… well, let's just say that this film is for man babies and assholes. Did I mention that Rian Johnson directed this movie? This is the one I didn't care for. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic. I'll see you guys next time."
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Traitor!
Well, I hope that you all enjoyed the review for The Force Awakens for The Mayhem Critic. So, what did you all think of this movie and the review? Next time, Sean finishes up The Summer of Star Wars with Star Wars: The Last Jedi, a movie that angered some fans and some enjoyed it. So, Sean and friend Brian take a look at The Last Jedi and talk about epic sequel of the epic saga and see if it's any good. Don't forget to review this hilarious story, add it to your favorite and follow it for future updates and more reviews. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.