The Mayhem Critic
Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic and it's time to finish up The Summer of Star Wars with Star Wars: The Last Jedi. And what better way to give The Last Jedi an epic ending is by having this review a co-review. So, Sean and Brian review The Last Jedi to see what went wrong. So, here it is. The new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Sit back, relax and enjoy.
P.S. I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Star Wars: The Last Jedi is owned by Lucasfilm LTD. and Disney.
The Summer of Star Wars Part 7: The Last Jedi
We open with our favorite residential critic Sean J. Archer standing in front of a mirror in his bathroom putting on his contacts.
"Okay. Nice and easy. Nice and easy now. Just relax. Just like what the eye doctor said. Gotta follow the schedule on how many hours to keep the contacts on for." Sean said as he puts the contact in his eye. "There. Perfect. Both contacts in."
Sean smiled as he looked down at his phone and sees what time it is. "Oh, shit!"
The young critic immediately runs downstairs and almost trips over his cat Riley before entering the living room and taking his seat on the couch as he starts his introduction.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. And welcome to the grand finale of…" Sean said as we cut to a dark room and we see a green lightsaber being ignited, with the light showing Sean, who's wearing a Jedi Knight cloak and Jedi Knight outfit from Return of the Jedi before speaking in a deep, booming voice while Duel of the Fates starts playing. "THE SUMMER OF STAR WARS!"
"Today, we're going to be taking a look at Star Wars: The Last Jedi. But I'm not doing this alone. I'm getting some help with this review. That's why I invited my friend Brian to help me out reviewing this movie with me." Sean said as Brian enters the room.
"Thanks for having me here." Brian said.
"No problem. Let's talk about The Last Jedi." Sean said.
(Clips from The Last Jedi is shown while the track The Spark plays throughout)
Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on December 17th, 2017. Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi is the second installment of the Star Wars sequel trilogy and the eighth film in the Skywalker Saga. This was the first posthumous film performance by Carrie Fisher, who sadly passed away on December 27th 2016. The film was dedicated to her memory.
Brian: (Narrating) The film tells the continuing adventures of Rey, Finn and Poe Dameron as they continue their fight against the First Order while Rey receives training from Luke Skywalker. J.J. Abrams, who directed The Force Awakens back in 2015, was the executive producer for the movie and the film was under the direction of Looper director Rian Johnson, who also wrote the screenplay for this movie.
Sean: (Narrating) After this movie was released, there were some fans and critics that enjoyed the film, while others…
(A clip from American History X, showing the curb stomp scene, is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, the film carried a lot of concern when people are worried that it's a retread of The Empire Strikes Back because they say that the last film was a retread of A New Hope.
"Shall we?" Brian asked.
"Well, let's get this over with. This is Star Wars: The Last Jedi." Sean said.
(We see the words "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away from your crazy ass…" is shown on the screen)
Brian: (Narrating) "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away from your crazy ass…", we get our traditional scrolling text. We learn that the First Order rules with an iron first and Supreme Leader Snoke deploys his soldiers to seize military control of the galaxy. But hey, General Leia Organa and her merry band of Resistance fighters won't take any of Snoke's shit and that they're certain that Jedi Master Luke Skywalker will return and restore a spark.
Sean: (Narrating) But they have to hurry because the First Order's heading towards their rebel base while they mount a desperate escape. So yeah, a dark time for the Resistance. After the scrolling text, we see that the Resistance is evacuating the rebel base when the First Order arrives as General Hux aka Lil' Hitler, once again played by Domnhall Gleeson, is leading the assault to crush the Resistance!
General Hux (Played by Domnhall Gleeson): I have my orders from Supreme Leader Snoke himself. This is where we snuff out the Resistance once and for all. Tell Captain Canady to prime his dreadnought. Incinerate their base, destroy their transports and obliterate their fleet.
"Dreadnought? What's a dreadnought?" Brian asked.
"Well, glad you asked. Which brings me to Star Wars Battlefront II's Resurrection storyline when Iden Versio and her daughter Zay find plans for a First Order Dreadnought on the First Order Star Destroyer Retribution. Before her death, Iden give Zay the Dreadnought plans and…" Sean said as the audience groans in boredom. "Okay, you know what. Fuck you all! This is the last time I tell you guys a little bit of information in the Star Wars universe."
Sean: (Narrating) The First Order unleashes the Dreadnought and right when they're about to open fire, one brave Resistance fighter comes in to ruin the First Order's fun. Turns out to be Poe Dameron, once again played by Oscar Isaac, and it looks like he's about to pull a crazy stunt.
Poe Dameron (Played by Oscar Isaac): Attention. This is Commander Poe Dameron of the Republic fleet, I have an urgent communique for General Hugs.
General Hux: Patch him through. This is General Hux of the First Order. The Republic is no more. Your fleet are Rebel scum and war criminals. Tell your precious princess there will be no terms, there will be no surrender.
Poe Dameron: Hi, I'm holding for General Hugs.
General Hux: This is Hux. You and your friends are doomed. We will wipe your filth from the galaxy.
Poe Dameron: Okay. I'll hold.
General Hux: Hello?
"His plan is to taunt the guy and prank call him like he's Moe from The Simpsons." Sean said.
(Hux and Poe's dialogue is replaced with Bart and Moe's dialogue)
General Hux: (With Moe's dialogue) Moe's Tavern, where the elite meet to drink.
Poe Dameron: (With Bart's dialogue) Uh, yeah, hello. Is Mike there? Last name, Rotch.
General Hux: (With Moe's lines) Hold on, I'll check. (Calls) Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately?!
Captain Peavey (Played by Adrian Edmondson): I believe he's tooling with you, sir.
(We hear Bart Simpson laughing)
General Hux: Open fire!
"That was just part 1 of his plan." Brian said.
Brian: (Narrating) Part 1 which is getting his thrusters on his X-Wing ready for part 2. And this is where part 2 comes in, Poe flies towards the Dreadnought and starts attacking it by taking out its surface cannons so that the bombers can move in.
Sean: (Narrating) After the Dreadnought fires on the base and seeing Captain Canady's over the top acting, the last transport containing Lieutenant Connix, played by Carrie Fisher's daughter Billie Lourde, makes it out safely as General Leia Organa, played by Carrie Fisher, orders Poe to return to the flagship but Poe doesn't feel like taking orders.
Poe Dameron: (On the Dreadnought) These things are fleet killers. We can't let it get away.
General Leia Organa (Played by the late Carrie Fisher): Disengage now, Commaner. That is an or…
(Poe switches off his communicator)
"She's gonna give him a tongue lashing." Brian managed.
(Leia looks at C-3PO as the droid looks at her)
General Leia Organa: Wipe that nervous expression off your face, Threepio.
C-3PO (Played by Anthony Daniels): Oh. Well, I will certainly try, General. Nervous?
Brian: (Narrating) Aside from disobeying orders, Poe manages to destroy the last turret and a few fighters as the Resistance bombers arrive to make their bombing run in an awesome space battle on par with Rogue One's space battle. During the bombing run on the Dreadnought, there were a lot of casualties until one bomber named Paige Tico, played by Veronica Ngo, manages to destroy the Dreadnought before sacrificing herself.
"Aside from seeing this brave fighter sacrificing her life to destroy a deadly First Order weapon but are these bombers in the Star Wars universe impossible? No. Are they illogical? Hell, yeah!" Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, the Resistance escape from the clutches of the First Order, which angers Supreme Leader Snoke, once again played by Andy Serkis. So, he decides to have a little chat with him via hologram.
Supreme Leader Snoke (Played by Andy Serkis): General Hux.
General Hux: (Inhales shakily) Ah, good. Supreme Lea…
(Snoke uses the Force to slam General Hux down on the floor and drag him around)
"Okay, in The Force Awakens, he was a serious no-nonsense character with a frightening Hitler-esque speeches and genocide lunacy. In this one, they turn him into a complete buffoon. He's a literal cartoon character." Sean said.
"Don't you just hate it when they change characters like that?" Brian asked.
Brian: (Narrating) Meanwhile, back on the Resistance flagship the Raddus, we see that Finn, once again played by John Boyega, wakes up from his coma. Damn, he's been in a coma for two years? What was he doing taking a power nap?
Sean: (Narrating) He reunites with his old buddy Poe and he's got one question to ask.
Finn (Played by John Boyega): Where's Rey?
Sean: (Narrating) Good question. Well, Rey, once again played by Daisy Ridley, is on the water world of Ahch-To, where she meets Jedi Master Luke Skywalker, played by Mark Hamill, and gives him his father's lightsaber. He looks at the lightsaber and he looks at Rey, and he agrees to train Rey in the ways of…
(Luke throws the lightsaber away and we hear a live studio audience laughing as he walks away)
"Wow, talk about a big change of character. Luke went from being the most awesome Jedi to a washed-up has-been." Brian said.
Brian: (Narrating) After Luke refuses to train her, Rey tries to contact him but Luke keeps telling her to go away like he's Stathis Borans from The Fly II. So, Chewbacca, once again played by Joonas Suotamo, knocks his door down so Rey could ask him for his help.
Luke Skywalker (Played by Mark Hamill): Chewie, what are you doing here?
(Chewie growls at Luke)
Rey (Played by Daisy Ridley): He said you're coming back with us.
Luke Skywalker: How did you find me?
Rey: Long story. We'll tell you on the Falcon.
Luke Skywalker: Falcon?
(Chewie growls softly)
Luke Skywalker: Wait. Where's Han?
"Ask Lawrence Kasdan. He made him jump ship so he can do Blade Runner 2049 and The Secret Life of Pets 2 and do another Indiana Jones film." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But before Rey breaks the news to Luke about Han kicking the bucket, we see Kylo Ren, again played by Adam Driver, going to see Supreme Leader Snoke in his throne room, who's commending Hux for his plan to pursue the Resistance and we get one of the best scenes ever.
Supreme Leader Snoke: The mighty Kylo Ren. When I found you, I saw what all masters live to see. Raw, untamed power. And beyond that, something truly special. The potential of your bloodline. A new Vader. Now I fear I was mistaken.
Kylo Ren (Played by Adam Driver): I've given everything I have to you. To the dark side.
Supreme Leader Snoke: Take that ridiculous thing off.
We cut to Sean and Brian as we see Sean wearing a snakehead mask before taking it off.
"Sorry." Sean pouts.
Kylo Ren: I killed Han Solo. When the moment came, I didn't hesitate.
Supreme Leader Snoke: And look at you, the deed split your spirit to the bone. You were unbalanced, bested by a girl who had never held a lightsaber! You failed!
(Kylo gets up and tries to take his rage out on Snoke before the Supreme Leader uses Force lightning on him)
"Holy shit!" Sean exclaimed.
"Don't fuck with the Supreme Leader." Brian pointed out.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Snoke berates Kylo and he orders him to bring him a double decker patty melt with extra onions, lightly toasted.
"Okay, except for that last part. It's just that Brian and I really want a patty melt with fries and we're starving." Sean said.
Brian: (Narrating) Then, Kylo decides to take his anger out the best way possible by…
(An enraged Kylo Ren smashes his helmet against the wall of an elevator)
"Well, he's taking that news rather well." Sean said.
(Kylo continues to smash his helmet into pieces before the elevator doors open up and we see two First Order officers standing in front)
Kylo Ren: Prepare my ship.
(Kylo leaves the elevator before we see his pieces of his helmet)
"Dude, seriously. Calm down." Brian said.
"Jeez! I don't want to get in trouble and make fun of people who have bipolar disorder but dude are you suffering from bipolar disorder here?" Sean asked.
"Wait, Kylo Ren likes both men and women?" Brian asked.
"Dude, that's bisexual." Sean corrected Brian.
"Oh." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) After we witnessed Kylo's epic temper tantrum, we cut back to Rey when she tells him that there's no light in Kylo Ren and that he's also getting stronger. Then there's the issue with the First Order controlling the major systems within weeks and the Resistances needs him and the Jedi Order back. They need a hero.
Luke Skywalker: You don't need Luke Skywalker.
Rey: Did you hear a word I just said?
Luke Skywalker: You think what? I'm gonna walk out with a laser sword and face down the whole First Order?
"Uh, it's called a lightsaber. Not a laser sword. God, you sound like your father when he was a kid." Sean said.
Brian: (Narrating) Rey follows Luke around and she sees how the island life is living for him.
(Rey sees Luke harvesting green milk from a female thala-siren into a bottle and starts drinking it)
"Green milk, it makes a body… you know what, don't drink it. It's bitter." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Hell, Luke is living the sweet life but it doesn't stop from Rey following him and asking him for his help for some training because he's the last Jedi.
Brian: (Narrating) But then Rey's Jedi senses start tingling when she comes across the Great Deku Tree from The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time and finds a collection of Jedi books, then Luke tells Rey the history of this tree.
Luke Skywalker: Built a thousand generations ago to keep these. The original Jedi texts. Just like me, they're the last of the Jedi religion. You've seen this place. You've seen this island.
Rey: (Whispers) Only in dreams.
Luke Skywalker: Who are you?
(A clip from Batman: The Animated Series is shown)
Batman (Voiced by Kevin Conroy): I am vengeance… I am the night… I am Batman!
"Sorry. Had to be done." Sean said.
Brian: (Narrating) And then Luke starts interrogating her like a friggin' KGB agent.
Luke Skywalker: They sent you? What's special about you? Where are you from?
Rey: Nowhere.
Luke Skywalker: No one's from nowhere.
Rey: Jakku.
Luke Skywalker: All right, that is pretty much nowhere. Why are you here, Rey, from nowhere?
Rey: The Resistance sent me. We need your help. The First Order's become unstoppable.
Luke Skywalker: Why are you here?
"Did the Bat send you or did the producers send you here for me to play the voice as Chucky?" Brian asked, imitating Luke Skywalker.
Brian: (Narrating) Luke tells Rey that she needs a teacher but not him because he will never teach another generation of Jedi because he came to the island to die. Jeez, whatever happened to him, it made him act like his first master. Meanwhile…
(Leia slaps Poe)
General Leia Organa: You're demoted.
"Uh, is there something we missed here?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Actually, we're not missing anything here. Leia is pissed off at Poe because of his recklessness and disobeying order and leading Cobalt Squadron to their deaths, which costs him a demotion. But then the First Order along with Snoke's ship arrives because they tracked them through lightspeed. Huh? How the hell is that possible? How can you track a ship down through lightspeed? This never happened in the OG trilogy.
Poe Dameron: Can we jump to lightspeed?
Lieutenant Connix (Played by Billie Lourde): We have enough fuel resources for just one jump.
"Excuse me?" Sean asked.
Lieutenant Connix: We have enough fuel resources for just one jump.
"What?" Brian asked.
Lieutenant Connix: We have enough fuel resources for just one jump.
"Fuel? Is this… is this the first mention of the concept of fuel in the Star Wars universe? Because I sure as hell don't remember Han worrying about fuel in the original trilogy. Hell, Rey took the Falcon halfway around the universe looking for Luke Skywalker but this ship has enough fuel for just one jump. God, this is fucking stupid!" Sean exclaimed.
Brian: (Narrating) Stupidness aside, the First Order ambush the Resistance with Kylo Ren in his awesome looking TIE Silencer, leading a squadron of TIE fighters to attack on the ship. And then…
(Kylo targets the bridge of the Raddus, which his mother, Leia, is on)
"Don't do it." Sean said.
(Kylo gets ready to open fire on the bridge)
Sean pulls out his green lightsaber while Brian pulls out his blue lightsaber.
"Try it and I swear you are going down, buddy." Brian said.
(Kylo doesn't fire on the bridge)
Sean and Brian both sigh in relief.
"Thank God." Brian said.
"Boy, for a second there I thought he was going to…" Sean said.
(Kylo's TIE fighter escorts take the shot and destroy the bridge, killing most of the Resistance's high command)
"He actually did it." Brian said.
"Oh, you duck, duck, goose-looking mother…" Sean said.
General Hux: They won't last long burning fuel like this.
"Again with the fucking fuel. This is some infuriating writing here." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) While all that is going on, we see Leia's lifeless body in space and this is the moment that… well… just watch.
(We see that Leia survives the exposure to space through the use of the Force while the Superman theme starts playing)
Sean starts laughing while the scene plays.
"What?" Brian asked.
"I know. I shouldn't be making fun of Carrie Fisher like this but this is too silly." Sean laughed.
Sean: (Narrating) How did Leia learn how to do something like this? What? Was she having a drink with Luke and he was telling her the neat things she can do with the Force. Literal Force space resurrection.
"So, I guess that she's unkillable now. Right?" Sean asked.
Brian: (Narrating) Back with Rey, we see that she's taking a nice little nap while Chewie is having a nice meal, where he encounters…
(The Porgs watch as Chewbacca gets ready to eat one of their own)
"The most annoying thing ever since the Ewoks and Jar Jar Binks." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Ladies and gentlemen, these are the Porgs, cute little birds that can win over the younger children's attention. And if you think that Ewoks, Jar Jar and the special editions were okay for George Lucas, then Rian Johnson thinks that the Porgs were okay.
Brian: (Narrating) But enough about the Goodfeathers rejects, Luke enters the Millennium Falcon and runs into an old friend. And that old friend happens to be R2-D2, played by Jimmy Vee, who took over the role after Kenny Baker passed away back in 2016. And our favorite little droid have some choice words for the exiled Jedi Master.
(R2-D2 beeping angrily at Luke)
Luke Skywalker: Hey, sacred island, watch the language.
"I don't know what R2-D2 said to Luke, but it must've been really inappropriate." Sean said.
Luke Skywalker: I wish I could make you understand. But I'm not coming back. Nothing can ever change my mind.
(Artoo plays the message from his sister)
Princess Leia Organa: Years ago, you served my father in the Clone Wars. Now he begs you to help him in his struggle against the Empire. I regret that I am unable to present my father's request to you in person…
Luke Skywalker: That was a cheap move.
"Hey, at least Artoo didn't play him this." Sean said.
(The message is replaced by a clip of Batman: The Killing Joke, showing Batman and The Joker sharing a laugh together)
Luke Skywalker: That was a cheap move.
Sean: (Narrating) But after some convincing from R2-D2, Luke finally agrees to train Rey. Back with the Resistance, who's getting pursued by the First Order because they can't jump into lightspeed and fuel…
"Seriously? Is fuel going to be a big part for Star Wars?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) General Organa is down but not out of the game yet. But the others, including Admiral "It's a Trap!" Ackbar, are dead. So, Leia is the only survivor. So, someone is taking her place and that person happens to be Vice Admiral Holdo…
(A clip from Game of Thrones is shown)
Hodor (Played by Kristian Nairn): Hodor.
Sean: (Narrating) Wrong person. Vice Admiral Holdo, played by Laura Dern from Jurassic Park and HBO's Big Little Lies. Holdo assumes command of the Resistance while Leia recovers. But Poe gets off to a rocky start with the Vice Admiral.
Poe Dameron: What's out plan?
Vice Admiral Holdo (Played by Laura Dern): Our plan, captain? Not commander, right? Wasn't it Leia's last official act to demote you for your Dreadnought plan where we lost our entire bombing fleet?
"Oh, come on. You send a bunch of bombers to their deaths and they'll never let you forget it." Brian said.
Brian: (Narrating) But Poe demands to know what's going on but Holdo…
(Another clip from Game of Thrones is shown)
Hodor: (While looking down at a well) Hodor! Hodor!
"Wrong person." Brian said.
Brian: (Narrating) But Vice Admiral Holdo tells him to stick to his post and follow her order. If he doesn't, then she'll get a velociraptor on his ass. Back with Finn, he decides to go looking for Rey after he fears for her safety, until he meets a young Resistance mechanic by the name of Rose, played by Kelly Marie Tran. But she thinks that he's trying to run away, so…
(Rose zaps Finn with her stun gun)
"Geez. What is your deal, you little pipsqueak?" Sean asked.
Rose Tico (Played by Kelly Marie Tran): My sister just died protecting the fleet.
"Oh." Sean said. "Sorry for your loss. But there's still no reason for you to be zapping people with a stun gun."
Finn: Look, we can't outrun the First Order fleet.
Rose Tico: We can jump to lightspeed!
Finn: Well, they can track us through lightspeed.
Rose Tico: They can track us through lightspeed?
Finn: Yeah. They'd just show up thirty seconds later and we'd have blown a ton of fuel, which, by the way, we're dangerously short on.
"Would you shut up about the goddamn fuel?! Christ, you're pissing me off with that shit!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, Finn and Rose have a plan to shut down the tracker on the Star Destroyer and lets Poe in on the plan. And in order to shut down the tracker, they have to find the Master Codebreaker on Canto Bight, with the information on the guy given by Maz Kanata, voiced by Lupita Nyong'o.
Maz Kanata (Voiced by Lupita Nyong'o): He's a Master Codebreaker, an ace pilot, a poet with a blaster.
C-3PO: It sounds like this codebreaker fellow can do everything.
Maz Kanata: Oh, yes, he can. You'll find him with a red plom bloom on his lapel, rolling at a high stakes table, in the casino on Canto Bight.
"Make sure you mention that the guy has a mustache or something so that will be useful." Sean said.
Brian: (Narrating) Back with Rey, we see that she's about to start her first day of Jedi training with Luke, until she ends up communicating with Kylo Ren with the Force.
(The love theme from Dumb and Dumber starts playing as Kylo and Rey sense each other with the Force. Rey picks up her blaster and fires as the record scratches)
"Well, looks like Kylo wants to give Rey the "D" with the Force." Brian said.
Kylo Ren: You will bring Luke Skywalker to me.
(Nothing happens)
Kylo Ren: You're not doing this. The effort would kill you.
(Rey stays silent as Kylo realizes that she could see his surroundings)
Kylo Ren: Can you see my surroundings?
Rey: You're gonna pay for what you did!
Kylo Ren: I can't see yours.
"I can't see your surroundings and you can see my surroundings. Can you see me fantasize about you in my spare time? Well, I can just see you." Sean said, imitating Kylo Ren.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Rey starts her Jedi training with Luke and he shows her the way of the Force.
Luke Skywalker: Close your eyes.
(Rey closes her eyes)
Luke Skywalker: Breathe.
(Rey takes a deep breath)
Luke Skywalker: Now… reach out.
(Rey literally reaches her hand out. After a moment of disbelief, Luke starts tickling Rey's hand with a leaf, causing her to gasp while she feels the tickle)
Rey: I feel something.
Luke Skywalker: You feel it?
Rey: Yes, I feel it.
Luke Skywalker: That's the Force.
Rey: Really?
Luke Skywalker: Wow, it must be really strong with you.
Rey: I've never felt any…
(Luke smack Rey's hand with the leaf)
Rey: Ow!
"Remember when Luke Skywalker was awesome." Sean asked.
"Yeah, he went from being the most awesome Jedi Knight to a washed-up Jedi Master who just likes to screw with you." Brian said.
(A clip from Angry Video Game Nerd is shown)
Angry Video Game Nerd: Wow, what an asshole!
Brian: (Narrating) Aside from Luke screwing with Rey, the young Jedi in training begins to feel the Force awakening inside her when Rey has a vision.
Rey: There's something else… beneath the island. A place. A dark place.
Luke Skywalker: Balance. Powerful light, powerful darkness.
Rey: It's cold.
(Rocks beneath her begin to crack as Luke starts to notice)
Rey: It's calling me.
Luke Skywalker: Resist it, Rey.
(No response from Rey)
Luke Skywalker: Rey?
(No response)
Luke Skywalker: REY!
(A clip from Ghostbusters II is shown)
Vigo (Played by the late Wilhelm Von Homburg): (After possessing Ray) No! I, Ray, am Vigo, shall rule the earth!
"Another dark side cave." Brian said.
"Oh, Christ. They're ripping off The Empire Strikes Back." Sean said, rolling his eyes.
"Yeah." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) But this raw strength freaks him out when he noticed it in Ben Solo and he's not going to take that shit. But aside from Rey's strength in the Force, we check back in with the Resistance as Operation: Get Behind Holdo…
(Another clip of Game of Thrones is shown)
Hodor: Hodor! Hodor! Hodor!
"Shut up!" Sean yelled out.
"He said "Holdo" not "Hodor". God, I swear if Hodor interrupts this review, I'm murdering his ass." Brian said as he pulls out a bowcaster.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, with the fleet having 18 hours of fuel left. Again with the fucking fuel! Let's get back to Rey and…
(Kylo turns around as the love theme from Dumb and Dumber starts playing again right when Rey senses him again)
"Oh, yeah. Another Force communique with that Kylo Ren." Sean said.
Kylo Ren: Why is the Force connecting us? You and I.
Rey: Murderous snake.
"Okay, I'm sensing that these two have some sexual tension with each other." Sean said.
"Come on, Sean. You do know that there are people who are Reylo fans. Hell, take a look at some of their drawings. Some of it is not safe for work." Brian said as Sean looks at the sexual Reylo drawings.
"Oh, you guys are a bunch of freaks." Sean said.
Brian: (Narrating) Rey tells Kylo that she's found Skywalker and that he's screwed but Kylo asks Rey if he told him what happened the night he destroyed his temple and why he did it. But Rey's not listening to him.
Rey: You are a monster.
"You killed off one of the best characters in the franchise. Well, he wanted out of the franchise thirtysomething years ago, but still you are a monster!" Brian said, imitating Rey.
Sean: (Narrating) But enough about these two as we cut to Finn and Rose as they arrive on Canto Bight. And from what she's heard of Canto Bight, it's a terrible place filled with some of the worst people in the galaxy. Maybe she's talking about Donald Trump and the ghost of Jeffrey Epstein. And right here, this is "sidequest filler" for the two of them.
Brian: (Narrating) They head into a casino looking for the Master Codebreaker with Finn being fascinated by this place and Rose being not to happy with it because they just want to find the Codebreaker and not party. Then something just irks Rose when she finds something that startles her.
(We see a fathier race going on)
"Turns out that this casino has some of their horse races. Okay, why does Rose hate this place? It's beautiful. Look, I don't want to know because this is pointless filler, so…" Sean said.
Rose Tico: My sister and I grew up in a poor mining system.
(Finn sees a jockey whipping a fathier)
Rose Tico: The First Order stripped our ore to finance their military…
"Alright, that's good to know that you and your dead sister lived in a poor mining colony, so could you please just…" Sean said.
Rose Tico: They took everything we had. And who do you think these people are?
"Alright, enough with your backstory. Can we just get to the Master Codebreaker?" Sean asked, getting irritated.
Rose Tico: I wish I could put my fist through this whole lousy, beautiful town.
"Oh, my GOOOOOOOD!" Sean screams in agony. "Who cares?! My God, this is The Phantom Menace all over again with it's boring filler! We should be focusing on Rey and her training not these two morons looking for a friggin' code breaker! I'd rather jerk off to Maitland Ward getting boned by some guy in a porno than watch this crap!"
Brian turns to Sean with a confused look on his face. "Huh?"
"Oh yeah! Rachel from Boy Meets World is doing porn now." Sean said before looking at the camera. "DEAL WITH IT!"
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, enough of Rose's backstory as BB-8 tells Finn and Rose that he's found the codebreaker, played by Justin Theroux. But as they head over to the Master Codebreaker, some guy snitches on them and they end up getting arrested.
(A clip from Young Frankenstein is shown)
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein (Played by the late Gene Wilder): Son of a bitch! Bastard! I'll get you for this!
"So yeah, they find the Master Codebreaker but they get arrested. You two are going to be responsible for the death of the Resistance." Brian said.
Brian: (Narrating) Back with Rey, she's doing her Jedi training by swinging her staff around then decides to train with a lightsaber by swinging it around while Luke watches like he's impressed.
(Rey continues to swing the lightsaber around until she slices a rock in half, causing it to fall, sending broken pieces down until one crashes and destroys one of the island native's wheelbarrow. Two of the island natives look up and see Rey.
"I know that they're probably thinking right now: "Ah, fuck. She destroyed our dinner for today. Now what am I going to fix for dinner?"." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And now, it's time for lesson two as Luke tells her more about the Jedi and that the legacy of the Jedi is failure. Now, wait. That's not true.
Luke Skywalker: At the height of their powers, they allowed Darth Sidious to rise, create the Empire, and wipe them out. It was a Jedi Master who was responsible for the training and creation of Darth Vader.
Rey: And a Jedi who saved him.
"Yeah, dude. You used the power of please." Sean said.
(A clip from Return of the Jedi is shown)
Luke Skywalker: (While Emperor Palpatine is trying to kill him with Force lightning) Father, please!
Sean: (V/O as Darth Vader) Okay, I will.
(Darth Vader grabs Palpatine and throws him down into the Death Star's reactor)
Sean: (V/O as Vader) That's the power of please, kids!
Sean: (Narrating) Luke tells Rey that he trained Ben and a few dozen students and created a temple, with Luke telling Rey that Ren turned on him and destroyed the temple and vanished with a handful of his students and slaughtered the rest because Luke failed. Then, Rey makes this promise to Luke.
Rey: Kylo failed you. I won't.
"I'll be the best damn Jedi in the galaxy and you will know that you trained the best." Sean said.
Brian: (Narrating) Back with the Resistance, we see that the First Order is still on their tail when one of their ships run out of fuel, so they blow them away, much to the horror of Vice Admiral Holdo.
(Another clip from Game of Thrones is shown)
Hodor: Hodor!
"Shut the fu…! I'm about this close to strangling this guy. Shut up, you condescending child-baby!" Sean yelled out.
Brian: (Narrating) And with the fleet running low on fuel and Finn and Rose in a jail cell, dooming the Resistance and without a codebreaker. Until…
DJ (Played by Benicio Del Toro): I can do it.
Rose Tico: What?
DJ: What?
Rose Tico: What?
"Would you stop saying "What?" before Samuel L. Jackson pops up?" Brian asked.
Sean: (Narrating) This guy in Finn and Rose's jail cell is named DJ, played by Benicio Del Toro. DJ here is a hacker and he offers to help them out. Uh, you think you should trust that guy?
(DJ unlocks the cell door with a keycard then walks out)
Finn: Did he just…
Rose Tico: Yeah.
"I hate hackers." Brian said.
"I know. Especially the movie." Sean said as the poster for the 1995 movie Hackers pops up in the middle.
Brian: (Narrating) So, our heroes make their escape by going down the sewers, which leads them to the fathier stables with children.
"Great. The Star Wars take on horse racing." Brian said sarcastically.
Sean: (Narrating) So with the kids help, Finn and Rose escape with the fathiers because Rose is a supporter of PETA.
"Why couldn't J.J. Abrams have directed this?" Brian asked.
"Oh yeah, this is Rian Johnson's idea." Sean said.
Brian: (Narrating) Anyway, they escape on the fathers and turning it into the friggin' stampede scene from The Lion King and start wrecking the casino with the planet's cops show up by blowing up the transport that they were on. But eventually, they lose the heat.
Finn: I think we lost him! Now we get down to the beach and circle back around…
Rose Tico: Cliff!
(The fathier sees the cliff and stops before throwing Finn and Rose off of them)
"Aside from the cops trying to kill them, the space horse with big pointy ears tries to kill them as well. Jesus! If they ended up falling to their deaths, then game over, man. Game over." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Eventually DJ arrives to pick the two of them up before we check back in on Luke, who's using the Force to contact his comatose sister.
General Leia Organa: (After sensing Luke) Luke.
Luke Skywalker: (After sensing his sister) Leia.
Sean: (Narrating) And speaking of sensing…
Rey: (After sensing Kylo) I'd rather not do this right now.
Kylo Ren: Yeah, me, too.
Rey: Why did you hate your father?
(Kylo turns around and we see that he's shirtless as we hear the ladies cheer on Kylo while the song It's Raining Men by The Weather Girls start playing)
Rey: Do you have something, a cowl or something you could put on?
"Why should I? Have you seen the show Girls? I was shirtless many times on the show. Besides, we're doing this for the Reylo fans and Rian Johnson suggested that I do a shirtless scene." Brian said, imitating Kylo Ren.
Brian: (Narrating) Rey asks Kylo why did he hate his father and why did he kill him and he tells Rey his side of his story about the night he destroyed Skywalker's temple was because he sensed something inside him and decides to show off his crazy eyes before trying to kill his own nephew. But Rey doesn't believe him and Kylo has something to say about the past.
Kylo Ren: Let the past die. Kill it if you have to. That's the only way to become what you were meant to be.
"Isn't that what Rian Johnson said about this movie?" Sean asked.
"Oh, brother." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Rey travels to a cave beneath the island, the same cave from her vision. This is the cave where the dark side is powerful and she faces her own reflection in the cave and this has to be interesting here.
Rey: (V/O) I should have felt trapped or panicked. But I didn't. This didn't go on forever, I knew it was leading somewhere. And that, at the end, it showed me what I came to see.
Female Voice: Rey.
(Rey touches the reflective rock wall)
Rey: Let me see them. My parents, please.
(We see two shadow figures walking towards Rey and they both form together, revealing it to be a reflection of herself)
"Well, she was staring at the girl in the mirror." Sean said, chuckling a bit as Brian looks at him with a confused look on his face. "You know, the Michael Jackson song Man in the Mirror? Get it? Never mind."
Brian: (Narrating) And with that, Rey couldn't find any answers in a dark, damp cave. So, she communicates with Kylo once more, the one that she can turn to.
Kylo Ren: You're not alone.
Rey: Neither are you./It isn't too late.
(The love theme from Dumb and Dumber starts playing as Rey and Kylo's hands touch until they are discovered by Luke)
Luke Skywalker: Stop!
(The record scratches as Luke angrily destroys Rey's hut)
"Goddamn it. Seriously, Luke? Why did you go ahead and cockblock Rey and Kylo? Rey was about to lose her virginity to Kylo with the Force." Brian said.
"Why did he have to ruin everything for her?" Sean asked. "Crazy old fart."
Rey: Is it true? Did you try to murder him?
Luke Skywalker: Leave this island now!
Rey: Stop. Stop!
(Luke keeps walking until Rey attacks him with her staff)
"And now Rey wants to kill you for ruining her fun with Kylo and for you pissing off the Reylo fans. I hope that you're proud of yourself." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Rey and Luke have their little duel in the rain. With Rey being the Jedi in training and Luke being the skilled Jedi Master who can kick Rey's ass easily. But until Rey threatens him with his own lightsaber and demands the truth.
Luke Skywalker: I saw darkness. I'd sensed it building in him. I'd seen it in moments his training. But then I looked inside, and it was beyond what I ever imagined.
(Luke senses something inside Kylo as we hear the sound of lightsabers clashing and screaming)
Luke Skywalker: Snoke had already turned his heart.
(Luke grabs his lightsaber and gets ready to activate it)
Luke Skywalker: He would bring destruction, and pain, and death, and the end of everything I love because of what he will become. And for the briefest moment of pure instinct, I thought I could stop it.
(Luke activates his lightsaber and looks at his lightsaber)
Luke Skywalker: It passed like a fleeting shadow. And I was left with shame, and with consequence. And the last thing I saw were the eyes of a frightened boy whose master had failed him.
"Oh, so what? You tried to kill your own nephew but you couldn't because he gave you puppy dog eyes. Big deal. He was corrupted by Snoke." Sean said.
"Ever occur to any of you three who's pulling this mental link?" Brian asked.
Brian: (Narrating) Rey believes that if she goes to Kylo Ren, then he will turn. But Luke thinks that this is a bad idea. So, she gets off of the island to head to Kylo, leaving Luke all by his lonesome as he goes to burn down what's left of the Jedi texts, until and old friend visits him.
(Luke turns around and sees the ghost of Yoda)
Luke Skywalker: Master Yoda.
Yoda (Voiced by Frank Oz): Young Skywalker.
"It's none other than his old master Yoda, voiced by Frank Oz. And they're now resorting to a Yoda Muppet instead of that crappy CGI Yoda. I love that the fact that they're using a Muppet." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Luke tells Yoda that he's going to burn it all down, but he doesn't, so Yoda steps in and does this.
(Yoda summons a thunderbolt to destroy the library. Luke watches as the library burns while Yoda laughs)
"What the shit?! Okay, can Jedi ghosts do that kind of thing? I mean, talk about becoming more powerful than you can possibly imagine. That is one Muppet you don't want to fuck around with. Aren't Jedi ghosts supposed to be a guiding light who tends to give you advice and wisdom?" Sean asked.
Luke Skywalker: So it is time for the Jedi Order to end.
Yoda: Time it is. Hmm. For you to look past a pile of old books, hmm?
Luke Skywalker: The sacred Jedi texts.
Yoda: Oh. Read them, have you?
Luke Skywalker: Well, I…
Yoda: Page-turners they were not.
"A Cracker Jack box I found them in. Hmm." Sean said as he imitates Yoda.
Brian: (Narrating) Yoda tells Luke that they can't lose Rey and gives him an important lesson.
Yoda: The greatest teacher, failure is.
"Learn from your failures you must. Set right what was wrong, you can." Brian said, imitating Yoda.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Finn and Rose, they head to the First Order Star Destroyer with DJ, but with that help, comes with a price. No, not money but Rose's gold pendant, which means something to her because her late sister has one like that. He agrees to help but Finn confronts him to give back Rose's special pendant.
Finn: You have no idea how much that medallion means to her. (Sees that DJ is ransacking the ship) What are you… Why are you ransacking your own ship? (Sighs) It's not your ship.
(BB-8 chirps)
DJ: He says I stole it.
Finn: Yeah, I got that.
DJ: (To BB-8) We stole it.
(BB-8 chirps)
Finn: At least you're stealing from the bad guys and helping the good.
"He's your Star Wars version of Robin Hood. And really? Does his name have to be DJ? What kind of name is that for a Star Wars character?" Sean asked.
Brian: (Narrating) The ship that DJ and BB-8 stole was from an arms dealer. That's good to know because that arms dealer has been selling weapons to the First Order and the Resistance and then he acts like a conspiracy theorist by telling Finn not to join. Meanwhile, the Resistance are screwed when their about to run out of fuel, so Poe demands Holdo…
Hodor: Hold the door!
"He said…! Oh, wait. You said "Hold the door". Never mind. Continue." Sean said.
Brian: (Narrating) Poe demands Holdo to give him some answers and he needs them now, dammit!
Poe Dameron: Tell us that we have a plan! That there's hope!
Vice Admiral Holdo: When I served Leia, she would say, hope is like the sun.
Sean: (V/O while imitating the Cinema Sins Guy) I swear to fuzzy Zeus on a cracker, if one more person says "hope" I'm going to lose my shit. Star Wars movies are hereby forbidden from ever again using the word "hope". If you fuckers cast soccer player Hope Solo in a movie… you'd better fucking change her name in the credits. I'm serious!
Sean: (Narrating) Poe notices that Vice Admiral Holdo is fueling up the transports and suspects that she's abandoning ship and…
(Poe starts kicking things and throwing a chair down)
Poe Dameron: Coward!
Sean and Brian both break down laughing at Oscar Isaac's acting.
"Okay, that was some overacting right there. Overacting at it's best. I watch this scene over and over and laugh at Oscar Isaac throwing a temper tantrum like a four year old." Sean laughed.
Brian: (Narrating) Poe calls Vice Admiral Holdo a traitor like she's a Communist, but Holdo is not having it when she orders the guards to kick him off the bridge. And now, it's a race against time and with little fuel left as Rey arrives on the Supremacy in order to meet Ren while Finn, Rose and DJ infiltrate the Supremacy.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Poe, he tries to tell Vice Admiral Holdo that Finn and Rose about their plan but she doesn't believe him. Oh, well. On to Plan M for mutiny.
(Poe and the Resistance fighters pull out their blasters and point them at Vice Admiral Holdo)
Poe Dameron: Vice Admiral Holdo, I am relieving you of your command for the survival of this ship, it's crew, and the Resistance.
"I'm sorry, did this movie turn into Crimson Tide? And that was mutiny. Full blown mutiny! And it was all because Holdo didn't share her plan. Is he nuts?" Brian asked.
Brian: (Narrating) And this is where we switch back and forth from one plot point to another that's happening. Aside from Finn, Rose and DJ infiltrating the Mega-Destroyer, Kylo takes Rey to see Supreme Leader Snoke with Rey believing the Kylo will turn because she felt the warm, fuzzy feelings inside him. But now, it's time to see the big bad himself, Snoke.
Supreme Leader Snoke: Young Rey. Welcome.
"Okay, is it just me or does Snoke look like he's wearing Hugh Hefner's velvet smoking jacket?" Sean asked after noticing Snoke's robe. "What's next, you're going to have him smoke a pipe as well?"
Sean: (Narrating) We cut back Finn and Rose as DJ gets ready to shut the down tracker. While that's going on, it literally turns into Crimson Tide when Vice Admiral Holdo starts shooting up the place with a stun gun and fighting her way to the bridge to stop Poe's mutiny. Then, we cut back to Finn and Rose as they get ready to shut down the tracker on the Star Destroyer but they end up getting caught by…
(We see that Captain Phasma is still alive)
Captain Phasma (Played by Gwendolyn Christie): FN-2187. So good to have you back.
"Yes! Phasma's back, baby!" Sean cheered.
Brian: (Narrating) Captain Phasma, once again played by Gwendolyn Christie, is back and how did she manage to get out of the garbage disposal? The same way Luke, Han, Leia and Chewie did back in A New Hope. Aside from Finn and Rose getting captured, Poe defends himself as the doors to the bridge explodes only for Holdo to kick his ass.
(We see that it's not Holdo that enters the bridge, a recovered Leia enters the bridge)
Poe Dameron: Leia.
(Leia doesn't say a word and stuns Poe)
"Uh, welcome back?" Brian said. "Also, on DJ, I'm pretty sure that's not his real name."
Sean: (Narrating) After Leia ends Poe's mutiny, it's time for the evacuation as Holdo stays behind. Meanwhile, with Rey, she confronts Snoke and I swear they're ripping off the throne room scene with Luke, Vader and the Emperor from Return of the Jedi.
Rey: You underestimate Skywalker, and Ben Solo, and me. It will be your downfall.
Supreme Leader Snoke: (Whispers) Oh… Have you seen something? A weakness in my apprentice. Is that why you came? (Laughs) Young fool. It was I who bridged your minds. I stoked Ren's conflicted soul. I knew he was not strong enough to hide it from you. And you were not wise enough to resist the bait.
"That's boring. Quit boring everyone!" Brian said, imitating Homer Simpson.
"Yeah, dude. Why don't you use the Force to torture her for a bit and use that shot for the trailer?" Sean asked.
(Snoke forces Rey into the air)
Supreme Leader Snoke: Give… me… everything.
(Kylo watches as Rey screams in agony)
"Jeez! That got dark from zero to sixty. Hell, this whole movie is dark." Sean said.
Brian: (Narrating) Back with the Resistance, Poe comes to from his power nap as Leia tells him about Holdo's evacuation plan, which is to retreat to an abandoned Rebel Alliance base on the mineral planet Crait.
General Leia Organa: Holdo knew the First Order was tracking our big ship. They're not monitoring for little transports.
Poe Dameron: So we could slip down to the surface unnoticed and hide till the First Order passes. That could work.
"Okay, can we agree that Poe is a fucking idiot?" Sean asked.
"Yeah, he should know the risks with that kind of idea." Brian said.
"Well, Leia and Holdo should've let him in on it at the first place." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Finn and Rose, they are brought to the Supremacy's hangar bay for a public execution in the presence of General Hux, who has a strange way of greeting stormtroopers who betray the First Order.
(General Hux walks up to Finn and slaps him)
"What the hell was that? Is this how First Order Generals say "Hello" in German?" Brian asked.
Sean: (V/O as General Hux) This is how we say "Hello" in German, FN-2187.
(Hux slaps Finn)
Captain Phasma: Your ship and payment as we agreed.
(We learn that DJ has sold out Finn and Rose, then a clip from the Kids WB show Freakazoid is shown)
Jack Valenti (Voiced by the late Jack Valenti): Bum-bum-bum!
"Never trust a hacker." Brian said.
"Especially actors who plays a hacker in the movie Hackers." Sean said as a photo of Angelina Jolie from Hackers pop up.
Brian: (Narrating) So yeah, DJ sells them out and tells them the location of the Resistance base, which means it's time for the First Order to kill the Resistance scum. But enough about them in danger, let's check back in with Rey, who...
(Rey tries to use the Force to take Anakin's lightsaber, but Snoke uses it to hit her on the head)
"Oy. Rey, what were you thinking? Do you know who you're up against? This is a big bad-he will fuck you up with Force lightning-Sith Lord that you're dealing with. You're not that powerful." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) But then Snoke shows Rey the Resistance on the transports getting wiped out. Am I getting a Return of the Jedi vibe here? This is all too familiar. What's next is she going to grab her lightsaber and try to strike him down with it with all of her hatred and her journey towards the dark side will be complete?
(Rey uses the Force to take Kylo's lightsaber and ignites it)
"Are you fucking kidding me right now?!" Sean asked.
Supreme Leader Snoke: You have the spirit of at true Jedi!
"Okay, now whatever you do, don't start charging at..." Brian said.
(Rey charges right at Snoke with Kylo's lightsaber. Snoke picks up Rey with the Force and she lands in front of Ren)
"You dumb bitch!" Brian exclaimed.
"Yeah, definitely not that bright." Sean said.
Brian: (Narrating) And now, Snoke orders Kylo to fulfill his destiny as he picks up his lightsaber. But Rey still senses the warm fuzzy feelings inside him. Or just give him puppy dog eyes as Kylo gets ready to strike down his true enemy!
(Kylo uses the Force to ignites Anakin's lightsaber and cuts him in half)
"What the fuck?! Why was he even in this movie?! We don't even know where he came from or what his backstory is! Rian, you can't do that?! You know, what? You're right, he does have backup." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After seeing Snoke getting sliced in half, Rey and Kylo, who's now a good guy, take on Snoke's crimson guards or Praetorian guards or as I like to call them crimson guards 2.0. Aside from them ripping off Return of the Jedi with the apprentice killing the master and becoming good, this sequence here is pretty awesome. You get some really intense sword battles and a throne room on fire. What?
"A flammable throne room? The Emperor never had a flammable throne room. Maybe it's because you shouldn't have red curtains in your goddamn throne room!" Sean yelled out.
Brian: (Narrating) After that awesome action sequence, it's time to save the fleet but Kylo suggests to let old things die and he wants Rey to join him.
"Join him in the bedroom for some hot, sweaty sex?" Sean asked.
Kylo Ren: We can rule together and bring a new order to the galaxy.
Rey: Don't do this, Ben. Please, don't go this way.
"Yeah, you're turning into your grandfather with that line. Don't go there." Brian said.
Kylo Ren: No, no. You're still holding on! Let go!
Sean laughs at a bit from Adam Driver's acting. "Okay, I don't care how ridiculous these movies get with it's moments but Adam Driver is the best thing about them."
Sean: (Narrating) Kylo tells Rey the truth about her parents saying that they were filthy junk traders who sold her off for drinking money and that they're dead and buried in a grave in the Jakku desert. Ouch, the grim reality hurts.
Kylo Ren: Join me.
(Holds his hand out)
"We can make the Reylo fans very happy. Plus, I wanna do you so hard." Brian said, imitating Kylo Ren.
Brian: (Narrating) But before Rey could make her choice by jumping on his lightsaber, we cut back to the Resistance, who are still getting massacred, until Holdo decides to do something about it. Then, it's back to Rey and Kylo.
(The love theme from Dumb and Dumber plays as Rey holds her hand out and uses the Force to grab Anakin's lightsaber while Kylo does the same as the two struggle for possession)
Brian: (Narrating) But wait, what's this? It looks like Vice Admiral Holdo has a plan as she sacrifices herself by ramming the Raddus into the Supremacy at lightspeed, cleaving it in two while Kylo and Rey break the lightsaber in two.
"Okay, now that was awesome." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Aside from the chaos and a dozen First Order Star Destroyers destroyed, Finn and Rose get ready to escape the hangar but they get cornered by Phasma and her goons until they are saved by an unlikely hero.
(We see that BB-8 has commandeered a docked AT-ST walker)
"Now, that's one clever little droid." Brian said.
(The Mortal Kombat theme plays)
Brian: (Narrating) And now it's time for Finn to duel his former commanding officer. It's former First Order stormtrooper versus Brienne of Tarth, who's going to win?
Finn: Hey.
(Phasma turns around as Finn hits her in the face with the baton)
Captain Phasma: You were always scum.
Finn: Rebel scum.
(Phasma falls to her death in a fiery chasm after the floor breaks)
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see Sean, who's playing the janitor once more, sweeping up the floor until we see Taylor, who's playing Captain Phasma, who's on fire lands on the floor as Sean stops sweeping)
Sean: (Stops sweeping and sees Phasma's burning body) Oh, come on! You know what? I quit. I'm done!
(Sean walks away and leaves Phasma's body)
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to Snoke's chamber, where General Hux sees the Supreme Leader's corpse and a few of his dead guards at the scene then sees Kylo on the ground as he pulls out his blaster and…
(Kylo wakes up as Hux puts his blaster away)
"Oh, you're awake! I wasn't trying to kill you. Oh, no. Not me. Good 'ol General Armitage Hux. Just forget what you just saw. I'll take you to Kings Island and get you a blue ice cream." Sean said, imitating General Hux.
Brian: (Narrating) Kylo blames Rey for Snoke's death and orders Hux to prepare a ground assault on Crait. But Hitler Jr. doesn't like it when people who are not the Supreme Leader giving him orders.
General Hux: Who do you think you're talking to? You presume to command my army? Our Supreme Leader is dead! We have no ruler!
(Kylo Force chokes Hux)
Kylo Ren: The Supreme Leader is dead.
"I'm the Supreme Leader now. You follow my orders. Also, I served in the United States Marine Corps." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, it's time for the big climax as we see the Resistance on Crait. But wait, we need Finn and Rose for that big climax because the First Order is arriving with AT-M6 and AT-AT walkers and a big-ass cannon that can break down that big-ass door. And now, it's time to rip-off The Empire Strike Back's Battle of Hoth scene but instead of snowspeeders, you have old ski speeders to go up against killer First Order walkers.
Poe Dameron: All right, listen up. I don't like these rust buckets and I don't like our odds, but...
(Poe's foot goes through the speeder)
Poe Dameron: What the hell?
"You guys can't afford snowspeeders? Those are pieces of junk." Brian said.
Brian: (Narrating) So now, the battle begins with everybody shooting at each other and an army of TIE fighters shooting at them as well until the Millennium Falcon arrive to join in on the fun to draw the fighters away and I love how they use the music from A New Hope and Return of the Jedi for when the Falcon draws the TIEs away.
Sean: (Narrating) With the Resistance taking heavy losses, Finn tries to sacrifice himself to destroy the First Order siege cannon, but Rose stops Finn from trying to kill himself, but ends up injuring herself.
Finn: Why would you stop me?
Rose Tico: I saved you, dummy. That's how we're gonna win. Not fighting what we hate, saving what we love.
(The siege cannon fires, blasting a hole in the fortress as Rose kisses Finn)
"Well, Rose. At least you kissed a guy right when you screwed over Finn so the First Order could kill you all. Great job." Sean said.
Brian: (Narrating) And with that, the Resistance are screwed. Aside from them broadcasting a distress signal to their allies in the Outer Rim, but receiving no response. So yeah, they're definitely fucked. Is there anyone there to save them? Who will be their last hope?
(Music from the opening scene from Monty Python's Life of Brian starts playing as Luke suddenly arrives)
General Leia Organa: Luke.
"Our lord and savior, Luke Skywalker is his name." Sean and Brian both said.
Sean: (Narrating) Luke is there to save the day, with a haircut and he hasn't shaved his beard. So, he talks to his sister for a bit before going out to confront Kylo…
Kylo Ren: I want every gun we have to fire on that man.
(Hux looks at Kylo while Luke makes his stand)
Kylo Ren: Do it.
(They fire on Luke)
"Oh, well. He's dead." Sean said. "That was pointless."
(We see that Luke is still standing without a scratch on him and mocks the First Order's firepower with a brush of his shoulder. Then, some sunglasses pop up on him and a cigar in his mouth while the song The Next Episode by Snoop Dogg starts playing)
"Sorry, I had to. This moment deserved a Thug Life moment." Sean said while Brian laughs.
Brian: (Narrating) And now, it's time for the most epic duel ever. It's master versus student. It's uncle versus nephew. So, they both duel, giving the Resistance time to escape as they follow the crystal dogs for the exit while Luke and Ren duel. And then Rey arrives, only to find a pile of rocks, which was supposed to be an exit for the Resistance. Back with Ren and Luke, their lightsaber duel continues with Luke evading Ren's attacks.
Luke Skywalker: I failed you, Ben. I'm sorry.
Kylo Ren: I'm sure you are! The Resistance is dead. The war is over. And when I kill you, I will have killed the last Jedi.
Luke Skywalker: Amazing. Every word of what you just said was wrong. The Rebellion is reborn today. The war is just beginning. And I will not be the last Jedi.
"He said the title of the movie." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) But eventually, Rey puts her Force powers to good use when she lifts the rocks with the Force and reunites with Finn. While Kylo ends up striking down Luke. But whoops! Turns out it was a Force projection of Luke, so I guess the joke's on him.
Kylo Ren: No.
Luke Skywalker: See you around, kid.
(Luke's Force projection fades away)
(A clip from Girls is shown)
Adam Sackler (Played by Adam Driver): (Yells) No fucking way!
(Kylo turns to see that the Resistance has escaped)
Kylo Ren: NOOOOO!
"Hang on, if that was a Force hologram, then where's the real Luke?" Brian asked.
"He's still on Ahch-To and on the island." Sean said.
Brian: (Narrating) Because of the Force projection being too much for him, Luke collapses from exhaustion, then stares at the binary sunset before he dies and his body vanishes, become one with the Force. Then the First Order storm the base but are too late when the Resistance escape on the Falcon, before him and Rey share another Force bonding moment.
(The love theme from Dumb and Dumber, this time from the Airport scene, plays as Rey and Kylo share another Force bonding moment, then a sound clip from the movie plays as right before Rey shuts him out)
Lloyd Christmas: Goodbye, my love!
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, melodramatic ending just like The Empire Strikes Back, we see that Rey stole the books from the Jedi library. Good thing she didn't leave them at the library for them to burn up, Rey meets Poe, Luke is now one with the Force and it's time for the Resistance to rebuild a rebellion and back on Canto Bight, we see some kids telling the tale of Luke Skywalker. Then, we see one of the kids named Temiri Bragg, sums his broom with the Force. You know movie, you can be misleading with your title when you call it The Last Jedi.
(The movie ends with Temiri Bragg gazing up to the stars. Then the film ends with the words "Written and Directed by RIAN JOHNSON")
"And that was Star Wars: The Last Jedi. Well, how do say this about it?" Sean asked.
"It's good, but it has some of it's issues." Brian said.
(Clips from the movie are shown again while the end credits theme plays)
Sean: (Narrating) Looking back at the movie, it's a mixed bag. The plot was all over the place and switching from one scenario to another and the film was explaining too much. Anyway, the movie was amazing, except when it has it's fair share of dumb moments.
Brian: (Narrating) The film has it's flaws and it borrows stuff from The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. There were some things I like about the movie, The acting, John Williams' music score as always and the cinematography and it's the best looking Star Wars film I've ever seen.
Sean: (Narrating) It's not the worst in the series and I have seen worse. I'm glad that I own it on Blu-Ray so I can watch the good parts over and over and skip some of the dumb and boring filler moments. Again, if you like the film, that's fine. If you don't, then skip this one until The Rise of Skywalker comes out. Star Wars: The Last Jedi is coming in at 3 guards gambling out of 5.
"Well, that's all for The Summer of Star Wars. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic." Sean said.
"And I'm Brian." Brian said.
"And remember… don't mention fuel in the final Star Wars movie." Sean said.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Wipe that nervous expression off your face, Threepio.
And that's all for the Mayhem Critic's review of Star Wars: The Last Jedi and The Summer of Star Wars is finally over. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean takes a look at Disney Channel's finest, the Descendants Trilogy, to see if the franchise was the best or just plain silly. After that, which movie do you want me to review after the Descendants Trilogy? Here are the movies:
Last Action Hero
It (2017)
Shazam!
Detective Pikachu
Interesting Factoid: Mask of the Phantasm
Home Improvement
Feel free to take your pick. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorite, follow it for future updates and feel free to leave a comment on it. If you want to co-review any movie or a television show, feel free to leave me a message. Also, aside from working on The Mayhem Critic, I will be working on a new American Housewife story and it's another Who's Better story. It's called Who's Better?: Oliver or Taylor?. In this one, it involves Taylor and Oliver see who's better in bed with Brie. And I also have another one, it's called Alone Together. In this one, Katie, Greg and Anna-Kat are out of town, which means Taylor and Oliver have the whole house to themselves. While Oliver is out with his girlfriend Brie, Taylor invites Trip over and the two of them have themselves some private time with each other. I might add Brie and Oliver to the mix in the story. If anyone wants to co-review either Who's Better?: Oliver or Taylor or Alone Together, feel free to let me know if you're interested. I'll see you guys next time for another installment of The Mayhem Critic. Till next time, my fellow readers.