The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and I'm bringing you a hilarious new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Today, Sean a.k.a the Mayhem Critic reviews yet another Arnold Schwarzenegger movie which was the beginning of the end of his film career and it was directed by the director of Die Hard and Predator and that movie is the 1993 fantasy-action-comedy Last Action Hero, the first film which Schwarzenegger was credited as executive producer. That's a good sign, right? So, sit back, relax, grab a cold one and pop some popcorn and get ready to enjoy the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Last Action Hero is owned by Columbia Pictures.
Episode Sixty-Seven
Last Action Hero
We see our favorite residential critic Sean J. Archer a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic sitting on his couch in the living room as he prepares to talk about today's topic.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said before sighing a bit. "Oh, Arnold."
(Pictures of Arnold Schwarzenegger as his famous characters like the Terminator, Conan the Barbarian, , Mr. Freeze, Hercules, Douglas Quaid, Ivan Danko, Ben Richards and Dutch are shown while clips from his movies like the Terminator film series, Hercules in New York, True Lies, Batman & Robin, Red Heat, Total Recall, Predator, The Running Man, Raw Deal, Commando, Sabotage and the Conan movies are shown while the "Put That Cookie Down!" remix starts playing in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Why do you keep appearing on my show? You're so likeable and so badass, yet you're so goofy. Don't get me wrong, Arnold is not a bad actor, I'm a big fan of his movies and I enjoyed some of them. (The poster for Batman & Robin pops up) Oh, piss off! But why does he have to appear in a bad movie? Why make that choice? Hell, we all know the Schwarzenegger formula. He kills people and blows stuff up and he whips out one-liners like Justin Timberlake whipping out Janet Jackson's boobs during the halftime show at the Super Bowl.
"Now, why am I talking about Arnold Schwarzenegger? Well, today I'm reviewing another Schwarzenegger movie. This is Last Action Hero." Sean said.
(The title screen for the movie is shown as well as clips from the movie while the song "Last Action Hero" performed by Tesla is being played during the montage)
Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on June 13, 1993, this film is the beginning of the end of Schwarzenegger's film career. This was regarded as the start of his slump, this movie got hyped as hell, pushed out before test audiences get to see it and received some negative feedback. And this movie was release against Jurassic Park. How can you go up against, Jurassic Park? You can never beat Jurassic Park! The film was directed by our good old friend John McTiernan, who directed Die Hard and Predator and this is the first movie ever to list Schwarzenegger as the executive producer.
"Oh, gee. That's a good sign. I wonder if it's on his list of regrets. I bet you his number one regret was starring in Batman & Robin." Sean said.
(More clips from the movie is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) So, what is this movie about? It's about a young boy who's a film fanatic who loves going to the movies, who ends getting transported into the world of action movies when a magic ticket transports him into the most awesome action movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger.
"Anyway, let's take a look at Last Action Hero to see why this movie is a last action zero." Sean said.
(The movie begins)
Sean: (Narrating) So, the film begins with the movie hitting us right in the face.
"I'm not even joking. The movie literally smacks us in the face." Sean said.
(The movie screen literally swings from camera right to land a smack at the audience while a comedic hitting sound effect is heard)
"Ow!" Sean yelled out, reacting to as if he was being hit. "Taylor was right. I need to stop watching violent movies."
Sean: (Narrating) We see a bunch of cops armed to the teeth surrounding the building during the Christmas season. Hey, it's a Christmas movie! We see that there's a psycho holding a bunch of children hostage. But who is there to save the day?
(Jack Slater makes his appearance at the scene)
Mr. Freeze: (Sound clip) The Iceman cometh!
"Arnold Schwarzenegger as Los Angeles cop Jack Slater." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that the typical shouting boss in every cop movie Lieutenant Dekker, played by Frank McRae…
"I swear, every time I see Frank McRae in a movie he's always playing the police captain that's always yelling a lot. I mean, come on. Is there any movie where he doesn't play the shouting police captain? I mean, his yelling is annoying as it is." Sean said.
(A clip from 48 Hrs. is shown)
Haden (Played by Frank McRae): You go fuck yourself, convict!
"Sorry." Sean said as he looks down at his coffee table." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Lt. Dekker shouts at Slater like a friggin' cockatoo, telling him not to go up to the film's climax. Then, Jack comes across a pointless Tina Turner cameo where she plays the Mayor. Thanks, Tina. We'll send you your check. He also punches the Lieutenant Governor in the face and he comes across one of the members of the LAPD S.W.A.T. team, who I swear for the life of me looks like Regan Burns from Dog with a Blog.
(We pause on the S.W.A.T. Officer as a photo of Regan Burns from Dog with a Blog pops up next to him)
Jack Slater (Played by Arnold Schwarzenegger): You want to be a farmer? Here's a couple of acres.
(Slater kicks the S.W.A.T. Officer in the crotch, sending him flying offscreen)
"I'm sorry, what?" Sean asked with a confused look on his face.
Jack Slater: You want to be a farmer? Here's a couple of acres.
"What the hell does that even mean? Was it because you roshamboed him in the nuts and sent him flying? Arnold, I know your lines are corny but come up with something that makes sense. Case in point." Sean pointed out.
Sean: (V/O as Jack Slater) Hey, you want to be an astronaut? Here's one giant leap for mankind.
"Hell, that one made sense while I was writing the damn review. It was a little corny but still it made sense." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Armed with his trusty Desert Eagle .50 action express, Jack heads up to the roof and sees that his own son Andrew, played by Ryan Todd, is being held at axe point by the creepy version of Decker Shado, the Ripper played by Tom Noonan. And the first part of hostage negotiation, he requests Jack to disarm himself.
(Jack disarms himself as we see various weapons on the landing on the ground)
"How many weapons does this guy have? Damn!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Jack says that's all the weapons that he has, unless you count him bringing a live grenade to a hostage negotiation. See, Ripper calls his bluff, so he tells Andy to pick up the grenade and show it to him.
Ripper (Played by Tom Noonan): Jack, that toy, can't hurt the boy, (holds his axe up) but this one can.
(We see a blade coming out of the bottom of the fake grenade and stabs the Ripper with it)
"Okay, that is the most clever thing I've ever seen in my life. A fake grenade with a knife inside." Sean said with a smile on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) But Rip here is not going down with a fight as he throws his axe at Jack. But Jack dodges it, he picks up his gun and…
(Jack opens fire as we see the film losing it's focus)
Danny Madigan (Played by Austin O'Brien): Focus! Hey, come on! (Calls out while sitting in the movie theater) Focus!
"Five minutes in and this movie lost focus." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, it turns out that it was actually a movie. Jack Slater III, a movie that was being watched by our film's protagonist named Danny Madigan, played by Austin O'Brien, who appeared in films like The Lawnmower Man, Prehysteria, My Girl 2 and in the Touched by an Angel spin-off Promised Land. About Danny, Danny is a kid who lost his father from who-gives-a fuck-he's dead syndrome and he spends his time skipping school and going to the movies to watch Jack Slater. We see that he's friends with the theater's projectionist named Nick, played by Robert Prosky.
"Ha! At least I didn't mess up and called him Art Carney! Ohhhhhhhhh!" Sean yelled out, referencing the Nostalgia Critic mistaking Robert Prosky for Art Carney in his review of the movie.
Nick (Played by Robert Prosky): You know, the new Jack Slater opens this weekend at the Odyssey.
Danny Madigan: Like I didn't know that. "They killed his second cousin. Big mistake." (Imitates explosion while Nick laughs)
"I'm so glad I'm in a better movie after this one." Sean laughs, imitating Nick while the poster for Mrs. Doubtfire pops up next to him.
Sean: (Narrating) With Danny being friends with him, Nick gives him an advanced screening of the newest Jack Slater movie, Jack Slater IV, as long as he gets back to school, which he's been skipping out on for quite some time.
"Isn't that every kid in the 90s? Hey, I love movies but not that much to skip school for the newest movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Danny arrives at school where his teacher, played by Joan Plowright, shows them the movie Hamlet starring her real-life husband, the late Laurence Olivier.
Teacher (Played by Joan Plowright): (On Laurence Olivier) Some of you might have seen him in the Polaroid commercial, or as Zeus in Clash of the Titans.
"Or you might recognize him as the crazy Nazi war criminal Christian Szell in Marathon Man. That role earned him an Oscar nomination for Best Supporting Actor. Let's not mention the movie Inchon where he played Gen. Douglas MacArthur. Because that movie sucked, big time. Don't believe me? Watch Cinematic Excrement's review of the movie Inchon, you'll see why." Sean said.
(Danny watches "Hamlet" and he sees the part with Hamlet ready to use a dagger, but stops himself to give a monologue first)
Danny Madigan: Don't talk, just do it.
(A clip from The Good, The Bad and the Ugly is shown)
Tuco (Played by Eli Wallach): When you have to shoot, shoot don't talk.
Sean: (Narrating) Then, Danny fantasizes about what it would be like if Arnold Schwarzenegger starred in Hamlet.
Hamlet: You killed my father. (Picks up Claudius) Big mistake.
(Throws Claudius out the window)
Announcer: (V/O) Something is rotten in the state of Denmark, and Hamlet is taking out the trash.
(Hamlet throws a skull at a knight's head. We then cut to Hamlet getting into a swordfight with some knights and slashes the curtain)
Old Man: Stay thy hand, fair prince.
Hamlet: Who said I'm fair?
(Hamlet shoots the old man and starts shooting at some of the knights before we see him on a horse walking up some stairs)
Announcer: No one's going to tell this sweet prince, "Good night."
Hamlet: To be or not to be. (Gets ready to light his cigar) Not to be.
(Hamlet lights his cigar and walks away as the castle explodes)
"Okay, I can see either Mel Gibson, Kenneth Branagh or Ethan Hawke as Hamlet. But Schwarzenegger as Hamlet... no way. It's like putting Stallone in Macbeth or Jean Claude Van Damme in Richard III." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After that best scene of the whole movie and trust me it is, we see Danny at home watching Looney Tunes while his mother Irene, played by Mercedes Ruehl, gets a phone call from his school regarding him skipping school, she gets mad at him for skipping school and spending time at the movies, which is enough for her stressful life.
Irene Madigan (Played by Mercedes Ruehl): I didn't choose any of this. I didn't choose it. I didn't say, "Hey, what the hell, let me see what it would be like to be a widow before I'm 40, give that a try."
Danny Madigan: I know that.
"Damn, that's some cruel-ass stuff to bring up in the middle of a conversation about your son's education. No wonder he doesn't spend time at home." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But his mother doesn't spend any time at home with her son either because she's a working mom and you know, time is money. So after she leaves and instructs Danny to not open the door for anybody, Danny waits till it's that time while he's working on his studies. So, he takes a break from homework and gets ready to see the new…
(A burglar goes through the doorway and pushes Danny against the wall face first and pulls out a switchblade whole holding him there)
"Jesus!" Sean reacts in surprise.
Burglar: You alone?
Danny Madigan: (Nods his head) Uh-huh.
Burglar: Okay. Move it!
"Okay, this movie got dark from zero to sixty." Sean said.
(The burglar shoves Danny to the bathroom and holds out his switchblade)
Burglar: Tough guy. (Sits the switchblade down on the sink) Do it. I'll make it easier for you. (The burglar turns around with his back facing Danny) Go ahead.
"What the fuck is going on?" Sean asked, looking scared.
Sean: (Narrating) Danny doesn't do anything, so the burglar handcuffs him to the bathroom sink and proceeds to rob the place, only to find nothing for him to take.
Burglar: No jewelry, no VCR. A shit TV that will get me 20 bucks. (Throws the key into the toilet) Go fish, amigo.
"Geez, if you don't like it then why don't you go rob rich people instead?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) So after that sudden dark and pointless scene, Danny remembers that he's got a movie to go to. So, he heads down to the movie theater where Nick, dressed in his best movie usher outfit, is waiting for him.
Danny Madigan: So… is the print ready to roll?
Nick: Just a minute, young man. Aren't we forgetting something? (Nick slams the door shut)
"What the hell?" Sean asked, looking surprised again.
Nick: A ticket. You got to have a ticket, Danny, to see a movie, and I have got just the one. See, when I was about your age, Harry Houdini played this theater and my pop took me backstage to see him after the show. And he made a gesture…
"Look, should I be suspicious about this old man? Because he's starting to scare me.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Nick gives Danny a magic ticket that was from magician Harry Houdini. And is it just me or is the magic golden ticket made from fairy dust? Danny gets his bucket of popcorn to munch on as Jack Slater IV starts. We see a man named Frank, played by the late Art Carney from The Honeymooners being interrogated by a mob boss named Tony Vivaldi played by the late Anthony Quinn.
Tony Vivaldi (Played by the late Anthony Quinn): Frankie, why you keep on with the insults?
Frank (Played by the late Art Carney): I would never insult you, Mr. Vivaldi.
Tony Vivaldi: When you lie, that's an insult.
"You insulted me by making fun of me dancing in Zorba the Greek. Shame on you." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, Frank happens to be Jack Slater's favorite second cousin and we're introduced to the big bad of the movie, Benedict. Played by Tywin Lannister himself Charles Dance.
"A role which was originally written for Alan Rickman but they couldn't get him. So, we're stuck the guy from Game of Thrones." Sean said.
Danny Madigan: You are going to pay. Oh, are you going to pay.
"Thank you for spoiling the movie, you little shit." Sean said as he rolled his eyes. "God!"
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to Jack Slater on a leisurely drive to a drug bust as he sees the cops surrounding the house but the house happens to be Jack's second cousin's house. But when Frank doesn't answer, Jack investigates only to find him tied to a chair and dying. But before he dies, Frank has to relay the message.
Frank: Tony Vivaldi and the Torelli mob are joining forces. I'm out of here.
(Frank dies)
"Can you believe that this was the last thing I've done?" Sean asked while imitating Art Carney.
Sean: (Narrating) But alas, poor Frank is dead after delivering that message to Jack, but our hero cop gets another message left on his second cousin. Some cards… the kind that count down.
Jack Slater: (Runs out of Frank's house) It's a bomb!
(Frank's house explodes. Only Jack lives but two cops die)
Danny Madigan: He's okay, minor wound. Two cops, dead.
"Dude, shut up. Let me handle this. I got a job to do." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, yeah. What Danny said. Jack survives the explosion but the two cops perish in the explosion.
Black Cop: Two days 'til retirement.
(The cop dies as a Lethal Weapon-style saxophone riff starts playing in the background)
"Hey, guys. Get that reference? Yeah, they added a sampling of music from Lethal Weapon just so you can get the reference if you've seen Lethal Weapon. Mostly because Michael Kamen was the music composer for that movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But then Jack gets shot at by a group of hired goons sent by Tony Vivaldi and we get a car chase that is not thrilling but still a good one. And we see that these goons carry the Acme brand dynamite, that can easily be deflected by Slater. But then that magic ticket starts to work as the Acme brand dynamite comes out of the picture and into the real world.
(Danny turns around and sees some dynamite rolling on the floor)
"I told people that this movie was going to bomb at the box office but I didn't mean that literally." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Danny runs away from the explosion towards the screen like an idiot, but this does land him safely into the movie and in the middle of the action.
(Jack shoots at the hired goons behind his head while Danny, who ends up in the backseat of Slater's car, ducks down)
Jack Slater: (Turns around and sees Danny) Who the hell are you?
Danny Madigan: Don't shoot me. I'm Danny Madigan, I'm a kid.
Jack Slater: Okay, close your eyes, stay flat and don't move.
"Yeah, that's what Robert Prosky said." Sean said as the audience boos at him. "Thank you! Thank you! You've been a great audience! Thank you!
(We cut to a hired goon, played by Al Leong, falling face forward with an ice cream cone sticking out the back of his head)
Jack Slater: Iced that guy. To "cone" a phase.
Danny Madigan: (Realizes that he's in a movie) Wait a minute. The bad puns, the voice, the hard rock.
"Oh, shit. I'm in a horrible Schwarzenegger movie. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Sean screamed, imitating Danny.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Slater plays chicken with the bad guys' truck, which somehow explodes before hitting the building, which crashes into…
(The red pickup truck crashes into a room filled with beautiful women wearing extravagant dresses and lingerie as they start screaming and running out the room)
"Uh, I'm sorry. Were they trying to do a high-class photoshoot for Hustler Magazine? What is going on here? Geez, can this movie get any weirder than this?" Sean asked.
(A clip from Total Recall is shown)
Douglas Quaid (Played by Arnold Schwarzenegger): It is.
Sean: (Narrating) So, Slater takes Danny back to the police station where he comes across Sharon Stone as Catherine Trammel from Basic Instinct and Robert Patrick as the T-1000 from Terminator 2: Judgment Day.
Danny Madigan: Jack, did you see that?
"What the hell? Movie, you do know that cameos have to make sense? Look, just because that Sharon Stone and Robert Patrick were in movies doesn't mean that you have to put them in your movie. It doesn't make sense to have them in your movie. It's like having a cartoon cat with the voice of Danny DeVito in your movie." Sean said.
(We see a cartoon cat named Whiskers making an appearance in the movie)
Whiskers (Voiced by Danny DeVito): Hiya, toots.
Sean: (Narrating) Huh? What the hell is that?! You can't be serious, movie! Why the fuck is there a cartoon cat in the movie? It doesn't make any sense!
Jack Slater: He's supposed to be back on duty. He was only suspended for a month.
"No, no, no, no, no, no! NO! There's no reason for a cartoon cat to be in your movie. It's like saying Little Richard is in your movie." Sean said.
(We cut to a movie premiere that occurs later in the film)
Leeza Gibbons: Are you a big-time fan of Jack Slater films?
Little Richard: I've enjoyed… It was beautiful… I just loved it.
Sean makes a surprised look on his face. "Uh… Jim Belushi?"
James Belushi: (While getting interviewed) Arnold really turns her on and I just want to be there when it happens, that's all.
"Jean-Claude Van Damme?" Sean asked.
Jean-Claude Van Damme: (While being interviewed) I would never miss the premiere for a second.
"Uh… M.C. Hammer?" Sean asked.
M.C. Hammer: (To Jack Slater) Arnold, look. Deal's done, right?
Jack Slater: What?
M.C. Hammer: Slater V, the soundtrack.
"What the hell is all this weirdness? Let me see, Chevy Chase and Damon Wayans walking side by side with Damon Wayans wearing a hat promoting his movie Blankman." Sean said.
(We see Chevy Chase and Damon Wayans walking side-by-side)
Sean: (Narrating) What the hell is going on here?! Why are there so many random cameos?
"What is this The Outer Limits or am I in The Twilight Zone. Just because you can have that specific person in your movie doesn't mean that they should cameo in that movie. It's like having porn actresses Bailey Brooke and Cali Carter in my review." Sean said.
Then, from out of nowhere, porn actresses Bailey Brooke and Cali Carter appears in the room as Sean looks surprised for a moment when the two of them stand on one side with Bailey wearing her pink bra and panties and Cali wearing her lacy baby blue bra and matching panties while a smile appears on the young critic's face.
"Guys, I'm about to have the most epic as hell foursome in my life after I'm finished with this review." Sean smiled.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, back to the story. We're introduced to an important character of the movie, John Practice played by F. Murray Abraham. Practice is an old buddy of Jack's who works for the FBI but Danny knows that F. Murray Abraham has been known for playing villains in movies.
Danny Madigan: Watch it, Jack. He killed Mozart.
Jack Slater: In a movie?
Danny Madigan: Amadeus, It won eight Oscars.
"Yeah. Aside from playing the villainous Antonio Salieri in Amadeus, he played Omar Suarez in Brian DePalma's Scarface, Bernardo Gui in The Name of the Rose and Ru'afo in Star Trek: Insurrection. I'm pretty sure that he won't be a villain in this one." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Jack gets yelled at by Lt. Dekker for some of his actions and Danny tries to prove to Jack that this is a movie after he sees the animated cat that's voiced by Danny DeVito. With Danny trying to convince Slater and Dekker that this is a movie, he starts going off about how their information isn't true because of the information he gathered from the opening of the movie, Dekker takes the next logical step.
Lt. Dekker (Played by Frank McRae): Meet your new partner.
Jack Slater: Oh, no.
(The camera pans over to Jack and Danny)
Jack Slater: Better to die.
"Okay." Sean said as he picks up his AMT Hardballer .45 ACP pistol and shoots before we cut to a clip of Jack Slater getting shot in the chest and cutting to the end credits.
Sean: (Narrating) So, here's the joke of the movie. You see that you have a police officer paired up with a mismatched partner. You have a cop partnered with a Rabbi, another cop paired with a fat cop and you have a cop paired with a cartoon cat.
"Come on, that's not how buddy cop movies work. Take a look at the Lethal Weapon series and the Clint Eastwood/Charlie Sheen movie The Rookie, Rush Hour. Hell, take a look at The Other Guys, that's a good buddy cop movie, well a parody." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, Jack is partnered up with Danny and to prove what a greater asset he is, he derails the investigation so he can prove to Jack that this is a movie. How does he do it? They stop off at Acme Video, the film's version of Blockbuster Video.
"Ah, Blockbuster Video. The place where I spend my Fridays after school to rent movies and video games. Now, it's replaced by Hulu, Redbox, Netflix, Apple TV and Disney Plus. Damn you, online streaming services. Damn you all to Hell." Sean said.
Danny Madigan: (Finds a Terminator 2: Judgment Day cardboard poster with Sylvester Stallone on it) No. It isn't possible.
"Oh, man. Can you imagine Sylvester Stallone as the Terminator? I would definitely watch that. But he should stick to Rambo because I want to see Rambo: Last Blood. Let Schwarzenegger stick with Terminator: Dark Fate." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Since this is movie world, Schwarzenegger is playing a character in a movie and his characters that he plays in movies is replaced by Stallone of all people and everyone has a 555 number. They continue their investigation, finally. As he points out the location of the house he saw in the opening, but this doesn't impress Jack this much.
Jack Slater: You just revolutionized the entire history of police training. I mean, all these years at the academy, studying human character, psyche of the terrorist, fingerprint analysis. All the courses that I've taken in surveillance, hostage negotiation and criminal psychology. When all I had to do is just drive around the neighborhood and point my finger at the house and say, "The bad guys are in there."
"Well, doesn't that usually work in movies?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Jack and Danny decide to investigate the house, much to the annoyance of Jack, as they knock on the front door which is answered by Francis' butler from Pee-Wee's Big Adventure Prof. Toru Tanaka.
Jack Slater: Yes. Could I speak to the drug dealer of the house please?
Tough Asian Guy (Played by the late Prof. Toru Tanaka): I beg your pardon?
Jack Slater: It's a beautiful day and we're out killing drug dealers. Are there any in the house?
"Let me in Sub Zero or you'll be plain zero." Sean said, imitating Jack Slater and making a reference to another Arnold Schwarzenegger movie called The Running Man.
Sean: (Narrating) But then Benedict answers the door and because of his behavior, Jack thinks that the kid is onto something, when he summons his guard dogs that he trains how to do tricks like standing on top of each other. God, this movie is fucking weird.
"God, this movie is starting to bore me to death. I want to see Arnold blow something up. Come on, blow something up!" Sean exclaimed.
(Danny stands in front of the door as it opens as an attractive blonde kisses him on the lips)
Sean starts looking surprised a bit. "Or let a hot chick blow you."
Sean: (Narrating) This sexy blonde happens to be Jack's daughter Whitney Slater played by Meredith Caprice played by Sonya Blade herself Bridgette Wilson-Sampras. Since we're mentioning family, Jack comes across a photo of him and his son from the third Jack Slater film. So, he goes out on a leisurely drive, in which he has a flashback to the whole Ripper hostage situation and how do I put it? His son was killed by the Ripper.
"No wonder Jack Slater's running out of family members. Who's next? His daughter?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) And what do you know? Benedict shows up along with his goons who are armed to the teeth.
Benedict (Played by Charles Dance): (On Whitney's screaming) Joey, would you teach her the virtue of silence?
Joey: Right.
Danny Madigan: Benedict. If you harm a hair on her head…
Benedict: Stop!
(Benedict walks over to Whitney and plucks a hair on her head)
Whitney Slater (Played by Bridgette Wilson-Sampras): Go away! Stop it! No!
Benedict: (To Danny) You were saying?
"Worst. Movie. Ever. God, even the jokes are dumb." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Benedict interrogates Danny about how does he know so much about him. Couldn't he just threaten him with a crossbow while he's sitting on the toilet? But before Jack could arrive at the scene…
(We cut to Whitney screaming and getting slapped in the face by a goon before screaming some more)
"Jesus Christ! For God's sake, please stop screaming before you make my head explode?" Sean asked. "I mean, just kill somebody."
(Whitney kicks the goon in the crotch, sending him flying to a bookcase and crashing into it. She does a flip and lands feet first on the goon's back and continues to scream as she proceeds to beat him down and breaks his neck)
"Okay, that's very impressive but I would have to do without the screaming. Hell, Sonya Blade never screamed like this when she broke Kano's neck." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But then Jack drops in and crashes the party and kills the hell out of everyone but Benedict manages to escape as Danny chases the assassin on a girly bike and since he's the good guy in the movie, he decides to play chicken. But Danny is forgetting one minor little problem…
Danny Madigan: I'm a comedy sidekick. Oh, shit! I'm a comedy sidekick! It's not gonna work!
(We cut to a clip from 13 Reasons Why, where we see Clay running into a parked car on his bike)
We cut back to Sean as we see him laughing from the clip. "I'm sorry, I had to. I just thought it would be funny."
(Danny steers the bike to the left as soon as Benedict's car approaches and goes flying as Jack sees him landing on a roof in front of a giant moon in the sky while the E.T.: The Extra Terrestrial theme music starts playing)
"And they're ripping off E.T. and the Amblin Entertainment logo on this scene." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Don't worry, Danny is unharmed. In real life, he could've broken something. So, that's the good news. But the bad news is that Benedict escaped and what do you know, he's got Danny's wallet and tries to find out more about the kid but then he comes across the magic ticket and he discovers it's powers. Hey, maybe his diabolical plot will get this movie rolling. But first, we cut back to Jack and Danny as Danny tries to convince Jack that this is a movie by getting him to say something.
(Danny holds out a notepad with an unseen swear word written on it)
Danny Madigan: Say this.
Jack Slater: Hey, grow up.
Danny Madigan: Just say this one word.
Jack Slater: Is this another one of your movie proofs?
Danny Madigan: Maybe.
Jack Slater: Kid, I don't want to say it.
Danny Madigan: Say what?
(Jack stays silent for a moment)
Danny Madigan: You can't. You can't possibly say it because this movie is PG-13. Admit it.
"Kid, you can only say one f-word in a PG-13 film. I mean, unless you're willing to use the R-rating you can only use the f-word once." Sean said.
(A clip from Be Cool is shown)
Chili Palmer (Played by John Travolta): You know what I say? Fuck that. I'm done.
Sean: (Narrating) But before he could do that and gives Danny the reason why. Benedict leaves behind a glass eye, which is booby trapped, which results in a massive explosion. This pisses Lt. Dekker off so much that he yells at Slater and the kid for their foolishness. He's so angry, steam literally comes out of his ears.
(Lieutenant Dekker babbles something incoherent in anger while steam comes out of his ears)
"Uh, I'm sorry. What was that? I don't understand what you're saying with all the goddamn yelling. Could you please stop yelling or can somebody put on subtitles, please?" Sean asked.
(We see subtitles added with Dekker yelling at Jack)
Lieutenant Dekker: (Yelling) You suck the blood outta cottonpickin' toes I can take from you! I got the California Raisins doing an all-male version of The Diary of Anne Frank doing the all-male version in my frizza sibba…
Jack Slater: (To Danny) You catch that?
"Yeah, I think I caught every word. This guy was turning into Yosemite Sam." Sean said.
(Lt. Dekker's voice is replaced by Sean's voice, in his Yosemite Sam impersonation)
Lieutenant Dekker: Give me your badge! And this time, you won't get it back.
"Well, geez. Don't you think you were a little hard on the guy?" Sean asked.
(A clip from 48 Hrs. is shown)
Haden: You go fuck yourself, convict!
"Sorry." Sean apologized as he looked down at his table.
Sean: (Narrating) Jack gets fired and you know what it means in every cop movie, they're going to stop the crime boss themselves and they learn about Vivaldi's plan to whack a rival mob boss named Torelli at a funeral for Leo the Fart by releasing a lethal gas or something that's inside the dead mob boss. I don't know, just go with it. They meet up with John Practice as Jack tells him that the Fart is a bomb. So, he takes him to the service entrance in the back but Jack suspects there's something up with his buddy.
Jack Slater: Who are you working for, John?
John Practice (Played by F. Murray Abraham): What do you mean?
Jack Slater: We both know there's no side entrance to this hotel.
(Practice chuckles and pulls out his gun, pointing it at Jack)
John Practice: Sorry, Jack. I didn't want it to go down this way.
"Since when's the last time I played a good guy in a movie? Never!" Sean said, imitating John Practice.
Sean: (Narrating) But then Danny shows up with a gun and gets ready to save Jack.
"Awesome, kid! Now shoot him before you do something stu…" Sean said.
(Practice grabs the gun out of Danny's hands and laughs)
John Practice: Thanks for the fingerprints, kid. You're about to murder Jack Slater. (Pulls out the handcuffs) Here. Chain yourself to that pipe.
"God, you are useless!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) So, Practice handcuffs Danny to a pipe while he makes his villain speech but Danny is clever enough when he has the keys to the handcuffs to free himself and tries not to do anything stupid, again.
Danny Madigan: (While pointing the gun at Practice) Man, are you an idiot! You made the classic movie mistake. Don't explain so much. You had to get in those last few words.
"Kid, what the fuck are you doing? Don't start talking, just his ass!" Sean exclaimed.
Danny Madigan: I mean, if you had just fired, you would have won. But, no, you're the typical villain. Dumb.
(Vivaldi points his gun at Danny)
Tony Vivaldi: You ain't no genius yourself, kid.
Sean rubs his forehead in frustration and stays silent for a bit before saying something. "Look, kid. Here's the thing. When you're about to shoot somebody, don't start talking, just… you know what, fuck it. Play the clip!"
(A clip from The Good, The Bad and the Ugly is shown)
Tuco: When you have to shoot, shoot don't talk.
"God, that's the second time I had to use this clip in this review. Don't make me use it the third time, movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, the villains get the drop on them as they leave the area for the mob to get whacked at the funeral and while Practice gets ready to execute Slater and Danny, this happens.
(We hear two gunshots as Practice freezes and falls to the ground, revealing the cartoon cat Whiskers holding the smoking gun in his hand, revealing that he shot Practice)
"You know, we've seen that dude's death met at the hands of a drug kingpin's personal assassin by being hanged from a helicopter to seeing him getting shot by a cartoon cat with the voice of Danny DeVito. God, that's pathetic." Sean said.
(A clip from Amadeus is shown)
Antonio Salieri (Played by F. Murray Abraham): Go on. Mock me. Laugh!
(We cut to Mozart laughing)
Antonio Salieri: That was not Mozart laughing, Father. That was God. That was God laughing at me through that obscene giggle.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Jack heads to the top of the hotel where the funeral is being held and he tries to get rid of the bomb, that's inside the body of a very flatulent man, away from the people.
Jack Slater: My God! This man's not dead!
(Everybody starts yelling and shouting as Jack grabs the body out of the coffin and tries to get it away)
Jack Slater: Get out of the way! This man needs a doctor! Out of my way! This man needs a doctor!
Funeral Doctor (Played by Nick Dimitri): I'm a doctor.
Jack Slater: You're a doctor?
Funeral Doctor: Yes.
Jack Slater: Uh, check his chin.
(Slater whacks the funeral doctor in the face with Leo's corpse)
"God, the jokes are so fuckin' horrible!" Sean growled.
Sean: (Narrating) Jack makes off with the dead body and knowing that this is a mob funeral that everyone there is armed to the teeth, especially the old Italian lady in a wheelchair packing a machine gun while Danny manages to work a crane and help Jack escape and I swear that this is the strangest slow-mo shot ever, I had to make fun of this by adding this music)
(Music from Die Hard starts playing as Jack falls in slow motion until he manages to grab on to Leo the Fart's corpse, that's busy hanging from the crane)
"I'm sorry, was Schwarzenegger trying to imitate a Wile E. Coyote cartoon?" Sean asked. "That was pretty weird."
Sean: (Narrating) Our heroes manage to save the day but Benedict still has the ticket. But before he checks to see what's on the other side, he has to deal with his annoying boss.
Tony Vivaldi: (While Benedict points a gun at him) What is this, Benedict? First, you're my friend. Now you turn a 360 on me.
Benedict: God. One-eighty, you stupid, spaghetti-slurping cretin. One-eighty! If I did a 360, I'd gp completely around and end up back where I started!
Tony Vivaldi: What?
Benedict: Trust me.
(Benedict shoots and kills his former boss)
"That's one way to turn on your boss. Why couldn't he just shoot Vivaldi why he is sitting on the toilet?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Even though I harp on this movie, I just have to say that Charles Dance is the best thing about this movie. He's actually having some fun with this character. I especially like this moment where he breaks the fourth wall.
Benedict: (Breaks the fourth wall) If God was a villain, (turns to the camera) he'd be me.
"Okay, Charles Dance playing God in a movie and God is the villain in the movie, that'd be friggin' awesome. I'd pay good money to watch that movie." Sean said with a smile on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) But then Slater crashes through the mansion in a friggin' monster truck and right when he's about to arrest Benedict, he gives him an epic beatdown.
(Jack punches Benedict in the stomach)
Jack Slater: That was for blowing up my second cousin, Frank's house. (He takes off Benedict's sunglasses) And this is for blowing up my ex-wife's house. (Slaps his hand) But this… This is for my daughter's black eye!
(Jack throws Benedict into the butler as they end up magically going through the wall, leaving no damage)
Jack Slater: (To Danny) Usually, when I do that, it leaves a hole.
(A clip from Looney Tunes is shown)
Marvin the Martian (Voiced by the late Mel Blanc): Where's the kaboom? There was supposed to be an earth-shattering kaboom!
Sean: (Narrating) Realizing that Benedict has the ticket, Danny and Jack travel to the real world and they go after Benedict. But then Jack sees that things are different in real life than in the movies.
Jack Slater: (To Danny) Here's another explosion for your movie, kid.
(Slater fires at the taxi cab that Benedict stole but the bullets go through the trunk with no explosion)
Jack Slater: Not a word. Not one word.
(A clip from Twins is shown)
Julius Benedict (Played by Arnold Schwarzenegger): For the first time in my life I'm PISSED OFF!
Sean: (Narrating) Since they're in the real world, things work different here like if you smash a car window with your bare hand and not hurt it, it would hurt like hell and your hand will be bleeding. Oh, and here's the thing about playing chicken in real life…
(Jack and the taxi cab crash into each other)
Danny Madigan: Oh, Christ. Please (Runs to check on Jack)
(Jack gets out of the car, unharmed but sore)
Jack Slater: Damn it, that hurt.
"Yeah, playing chicken in real life will be fatal for you." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, just when you thought that the film should be over by now, things tend to get boring throughout the film as Slater just mopes around, realizing that he's a fictional character in a movie.
Nick: You know, there's lots worse things than movies. There's politicians and wars and forest fires and famine and plague. Sickness, pain, warts, politicians…
Jack Slater: You already mentioned them.
"Well, you can always run for governor of California. That would work out for you." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So after boring scene after boring scene after boring scene but I do have to admit it's nice to see a change of location from Los Angeles to New York. Anyway, we see that Benedict is running loose in the real world and he releases The Ripper from Jack Slater III with the ticket and then Slater and Danny realize that Benedict is going after Arnold Schwarzenegger. And guess who's at the premiere? Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife Maria Shriver.
"Ugh, why am I doing this? Can we skip right to the climax, please?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Jack and Danny arrive at the premiere of Jack Slater IV and we get all those pointless cameos I told you about before and the Ripper is there to kill Schwarzenegger and what do you know, he fails! So, he kidnaps Danny and holds the kid at axepoint on a rooftop. Gee, where have I seen that before? Oh, yeah. The beginning of the film where they're showing the climax to Jack Slater III! We know what's going to happen, dude!
Jack Slater: It's now between you and me, so let the boy go.
Ripper: Hey, we've played this number before, haven't we, Jack?
"Oh, Christ. Do we have to go through this shit again? Skip to the end and kill the little shit!" Sean yelled out.
(Ripper throws Danny off the roof and we hear the Goofy holler. Then, the Ripper dances around before throwing his axe at Jack. Jack dodges the axe as it hits something)
"Thank you!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) But then Jack manages to fry the Ripper by giving him 24000 volts of electricity up his ass but hey Danny is all right. Hey, why couldn't Jack Slater III fake Jack's son's death? So anyway, Jack rescues Danny and he needs a vacation. But they still have the big bad to deal with when Benedict arrives in a suit and a black tie so he won't miss this event. He tries to kill our heroes and reveals his dastardly plan.
Benedict: Think of villains, Jack. You want Dracula? Dracula? Hang on. (Pulls out the magic ticket) I'll fetch him. Dracula. I can get King Kong. (Shoots at Jack and Danny once more) We'll have a nightmare with Freddy Krueger. Have a surprise party for Adolf Hitler. Hannibal Lecter can do the catering. And then we'll all have a christening for Rosemary's baby. All I have to do is snap my fingers and they'll be here.
"Holy smokes. That's actually a pretty cool plan. Alright, Benedict has the best villain plan ever. Just think of the possibilities. Can you imagine Michael Myers, Jason Voorhees, Ghostface and Pennywise the Clown in the real world trying to kill you? You know, that's my biggest fear ever. Having those four after my ass and trying to kill me. Yeah, that's an absolute nightmare." Sean said.
Jack Slater: Gee, did you make a movie mistake! You forgot to reload the damn gun.
Benedict: No, Jack. I just left one chamber empty.
(Benedict shoots Jack in the chest)
"Uh, Jack. In the movie world, you're bulletproof. In real life, you're not. You suck at tactics, buddy! Next time, wear a bulletproof vest." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) I mean, there's too much to care about in the climax so let's move on. Jack, who's still alive after taking a bullet to the chest, shoots Benedict's eye out and blows him away but also causing the ticket to get lost in the wind and yet, the ticket does whatever it wants when it releases Death, played oddly enough by Ian McKellen, to come out of the silver screen and walk the streets of New York to give people the touch of death. But hey, Danny tries to get Jack back into the movies because hey, he's got a flesh wound. But Death comes and says that Jack is not on any of his lists and gives him some advice.
Death (Played by Ian McKellen): If I were you, I might be looking for the other half of the ticket.
"One ticket to rule them all, one ticket to fi…what am I doing? Just find the other half, dummy!" Sean yelled out, imitating Death.
Sean: (Narrating) Let's wrap this up. Danny finds the other half of the ticket and gets Jack back into the movie. The doctors patch him up and Jack is feeling good, Danny reunites with Nick after having an amazing adventure, and Jack tells Lt. Dekker to shut up.
Jack Slater: You know why you're shouting? Because it's in the script. You're the comic relief. Yes, and you know what else? I'm the hero so shut up!
"Alright, fine. I'll end the review. So, that was Last Action Hero and even though that the movie sucked, I still find it enjoyable to watch." Sean said.
(Clips from the film are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Yes, the movie was a box-office bomb during it's initial theatrical release but it's garnered a cult following among fans and critics. Hey, it's a fun flick with some good humor that I like and the acting isn't bad. But quite of this movie is weird and later on in the film it tends to get boring because of the kid trying to convince the hero that it's a movie. What I loved about the movie was that it's a parody of action films. Also, I find this film to be pretty underrated and I watch it every time when it comes on TV or on a movie channel or I can just pop in the Blu-Ray and watch it. Last Action Hero comes in at 3 magic tickets out of 5.
"Well, that's all for today. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic. And I'll see you guys next time." Sean said. "And remember, when you see a big fancy mansion, just stop in front and simply shout "The bad guys are in there!"."
Mayhem Critic Tagline- To be or not to be. Not to be.
And that's all for the review of Last Action Hero for The Mayhem Critic. I hope that you all enjoyed reading it. Next time, on The Mayhem Critic, which movie should I review next? Here are the choices:
Charlie's Angels: Sean takes a look at the 2000 film adaptation starring Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore, Lucy Liu and Bill Murray to see how well it holds up while dealing with a bunch of angry feminists.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze: It's turtle power when Sean takes a look at the sequel to the 1990 smash-hit. Might be a co-review, if anyone's interested.
The Top 11 Intros: Sean takes a look at his favorite TV intros of all time. Which ones made the pick?
Interesting Factoid: Mask of the Phantasm: Sean goes back to his favorite animated Batman movie and takes a look at a few details that were missed.
The Hunchback of Notre Dame: Sean takes a look at Disney's animated adaptation of Victor Hugo's novel.
Which one do you want me top work on next? Feel free to let me know in the comments. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Speaking of updates, I'm planning on picking which one-shot to work on aside from working on The Mayhem Critic and my other stories. Here are the two one-shots:
Sister Spying (Cami/Charlotte, Coop and Cami Ask the World)
The Object of Her Affection (Taylor/Brie, American Housewife)
Which one don you want me to work on as well? Feel free to let me know. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.