The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. When we last left off, Sean continued Halloween Havoc as he reviewed Psycho III. Today, the fun and scares continue as Sean takes a look at Wes Craven's best films ever, the 1996 horror-comedy Scream and sees how well it holds up. But, someone is out to get our favorite residential critic. Will this be the last movie that he'll review? Find out today! Same Mayhem channel, same Mayhem place.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Scream is owned by Miramax and Dimension Films.
Episode Seventy-One
Scream
(The Halloween Havoc 2 intro starts in the form of the Stranger Things intro while the theme music plays)
We open with our favorite residential critic Sean J. Archer a.k.a. The Mayhem Critic, sitting on the couch in his living room. We see him wearing a Nightmare of Elm Street t-shirt, jeans and a pair of Addidas and a black baseball cap with pumpkin prints on his head before he starts today's review.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic who rips movies a new one and welcome back to Halloween Havoc." Sean said as creepy organ music starts playing in the background and the castle thunder sound effect is heard while Sean does a sinister laugh.
"Really?" A female voice asked. "Do you have to do that?"
"Hey, I have to do it for the introduction. It's for Halloween Havoc." Sean said. "Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce you all to my cousin Cami."
"Hi." Cami said as she waved to the camera.
"She's taking over for Dave since for some odd reason, my cameraman has been missing since Thursday. Hmm, weird. I don't know what happened to him the last time I worked with him was on my Child's Play rev…" Sean's phone starts ringing, interrupting his discussion as he picks up his phone to see who it is, only to be shown as an Unknown Caller. "Huh. Unknown. I wonder who it is."
"Uh, Sean. I don't think you should answer the phone. I mean, it could be a robocall." Cami said.
"Oh, come on. It couldn't be a robocall." Sean said. "Who knows. It could be a big fan."
"You're signing your death warrant." Cami said.
"Hey, as my cameraman. I mean, camerawoman, it is your job to shut up and film." Sean said.
"Look, just because you're my cousin doesn't mean for you to boss me around like Dave." Cami said, crossing her arms at Sean.
Sean rolled his eyes and answered his phone. "Hello?"
"Do you like scary movies?" The unknown caller asked.
"Uh, yes. I like scary movies. Why do ask?" Sean asked.
"So, I can play a game with you." The unknown caller said.
"Look, I'm pretty busy with something here. I can't play a game with you right now, I've got a review to work on." Sean said.
"Wait…" The unknown caller said.
"Bye." Sean ends the call. "Okay, where was I? Right. I think it's about time that I talk about Wes…"
Sean's phone starts ringing again as he sighs in disgust and answers it.
"What the hell do you want?" Sean asked.
"Why did you hang up? I wanted to play a game with you." The unknown caller said.
"I don't have time to be playing one of your stupid games, Jigsaw." Sean said as he hung up on the caller. "Okay, now…"
Sean's phone starts ringing for a third time.
"Son of a bitch!" Sean exclaimed as he picks up his phone to answer it.
"Who was the killer in…" The unknown caller said.
"Look here, asshole. You call me again and I'm gonna come down to where you live and I will take you phone and stick it right where the sun don't shine!" Sean ends the call after he threatens the unknown caller.
We then cut to somebody who's dressed as Ghostface, who looks at his phone before turning to another Ghostface.
"Oh, that's it. He's dead." Ghostface said.
(We cut back to Sean)
"Now, let's talk about Wes Craven, shall we?" Sean asked.
(Photos of Wes Craven are shown as well as posters of some of his movies)
Sean: (Narrating) What can I say about Wes Craven? He's one of my favorite horror movie directors of all time alongside John Carpenter and Tom Holland. He's known as the master of horror for some of his films like The Last House on the Left, The Hills Have Eyes, Swamp Thing...
"Wait, that's a superhero movie. Wes Craven directed a superhero movie? Okay, I have to check that movie out." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) He made us afraid of going to sleep with A Nightmare on Elm Street and yes, I watched that movie when I was young and it scared the crap out of me and the movie still does. Yeah, I really enjoyed his movies, except for Music of the Heart, which was a drama movie. Really, Wes? Really? He tends to mix horror and humor in his movies like The People Under the Stairs, that was more of a comedy. Sadly, Craven lost his life due to brain cancer back in 2015. I was deeply saddened by the loss of a great director who inspired me to direct movies. But Craven's legacy will live on. There are some of his movies that are my absolute favorite. Films like A Nightmare on Elm Street, A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, The Serpent and the Rainbow, Shocker, Wes Craven's New Nightmare, Vampire in Brooklyn and Red Eye.
"And today, we come to my number one favorite Wes Craven movie... Scream!" Sean exclaimed with a smile on his face.
(The title card for "Scream" is shown as clips play from the movie while the song "Whisper" by Catherine starts playing)
Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on December 20, 1996, Scream was the mega-hit horror-comedy that grossed over $100 million dollars and it revitalized the horror genre. It's a movie that coined the term "Meta". Hell, it's the movie that wants every horror movie to be "Meta". The movie tells the tale of a town being plagued by mysterious deaths caused by a masked serial killer and we have a group of friends getting caught up in the mix. The movie was written by Kevin Williamson, who was known for bringing us I Know What You Did Summer, The Faculty, Halloween: H20, Cursed, Teaching Mrs. Tingle... yeah, that movie sucked balls. And he also brought us a little teen drama that aired on The WB from 1998 to 2003.
(A clip from Dawson's Creek is shown as we see the character Dawson Leery crying while the song "I Don't Want to Wait" by Paula Cole starts playing)
"That crying scene that became the butt of all jokes for James Van Der Beek. But hey, since you have the man who brought us Dawson's Creek, you got to have some fresh-new actors in your movie."
Sean: (Narrating) Yes, we have some of the hottest stars in the movie. You have Neve Campbell from Fox's Party of Five, Courteney Cox from NBC's Friends, Drew Barrymore from Netflix's Santa Clarita Diet, Skeet Ulrich from The CW's Riverdale and David Arquette... uh, what has David Arquette been doing lately?
(A photo of David Arquette wrestling is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. I forgot he's also a professional wrestler as well.
"Considering the fact that this movie is 23 years old, we're going to see how the mystery, the meta humor and kills hold up or they're just a cheap gimmick. Well, Wes Craven made New Nightmare two years earlier, so he knows what he's doing. This is Scream." Sean said.
(The movie begins)
Sean: (Narrating) The movie begins as we see high school student Casey Becker, played by Drew Barrymore getting a phone call from a mysterious caller but then brushes it off as a wrong number. She fixes herself some Jiffy Pop until the mysterious caller calls her and the conversation gets a little flirty.
Mysterious Caller (Voiced by Roger L. Jackson): You like scary movies?
Casey Becker (Played by Drew Barrymore): Uh-huh.
Mysterious Caller: What's your favorite scary movie?
Casey Becker: Oh, I don't know.
"Oh, come on. You got to have a favorite scary movie. Mine's Halloween." Sean said.
Casey Becker: Umm... Halloween. You know, the one with the guy in the white mask who walks around and stalks babysitters.
"A woman who has my heart. We have something in common, Casey. But, I'm already taken by a beautiful woman who loves Descendants like me." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Casey then asks the mysterious caller about A Nightmare on Elm Street and she says this.
Casey Becker: Well, the first one was, but the rest sucked.
"Uh, Wes. You do know that you wrote Dream Warriors and New Nightmare and those two are considered to the good ones." Sean said.
"Her opinion. She's welcomed to it." Brian said as he sips his beer.
Sean: (Narrating) But then the conversation get a little creepy when the mysterious caller scares the shit out of Casey by telling her that he's watching her. So, she hangs up on him… until he calls again. She hangs up on him again just for him to call again. So, she answers and…
Casey Becker: Listen, asshole…
Mysterious Caller: No, you listen, you little bitch! You hang up on me again, and I'll gut you like a fish, understand?!
"Boy, these telemarketers can be very threatening while they're trying to sell you something over the phone. That's what happens when you try to hang up on them." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The mysterious caller tells Casey that this is a game. Who does he think he is, Simon Gruber from Die Hard With a Vengeance? Games are more of his thing. And then there's Jigsaw, who plays sick, twisted games with people until they die. Casey threatens to call the cops on him but the caller tells her that they'll never make it in time.
"So, you don't call the cops? Couldn't you just call them anyway? It's better than what you're doing is absolutely. George, want to take it over for me?" Sean asked.
(A clip from the Seinfeld episode The Pitch is shown)
George Costanza (Played by Jason Alexander): Nothing.
Russell Dalrymple (Played by Bob Balaban): Nothing?
George Costanza: Nothing.
Russell Dalrymple: What does that mean?
"It means that she can't do jack shit about it. Come on, just call the cops and hide in the closet and just hope that you'll survive it." Sean said.
(The doorbell rings as Casey screams)
Casey Becker: Who's there? Who's there?! I'm calling the police.
(Casey grabs the phone. It rings as she screams, then answers)
Unknown Caller: You should never say, "Who's there.". Don't you watch scary movies? It's a death wish. You might as well just come out here to investigate a strange noise or something.
Meta Moment Counter: #1
"We got a meta moment for the movie. That makes it one. And you know what, he's absolutely right. You should never say "who's there" in a horror movie, that a big no-no." Sean said as the doorbell rings. "Who's there?"
"Really? He just said you should never say "who's there". You should know that by now since you're a big fan of scary movies." Cami said as she gave Sean a look.
"Marco's Pizza. I have a delivery for Sean J. Archer." The pizza delivery man said.
"Ooh, my Pepperoni Magnifico pizza!" Sean exclaimed as he hopped up off of the couch and ran towards the front door. He opens the door, only to find his large Pepperoni Magnifico sitting in front of the door. He looked around to find the pizza guy, but there was no sign of him. "Hmm, well free pizza!"
Sean grabs the pizza and closes the door behind him. We then see the pizza guy's corpse hidden in the bushes as Ghostface appears, wiping the pizza guy's blood off of his knife.
Sean: (Narrating) Casey threatens the mystery caller by telling him that she'll get her boyfriend on him. But here's the thing: Casey's boyfriend Steve, played by Kevin Patrick Walls, is a little tied up and bruised and bloodied. Which means that it's time for Casey to play the caller's game. First question...
Mysterious Caller: Name the killer in Halloween.
"Oh, that's easy. Michael Myers." Sean said.
Casey Becker: Michael. Michael Myers.
Mysterious Caller: Yes! Very good. Now for the real question./Name the killer in Friday the 13th.
"Okay, now this is a tricky one. In the first film, the killer was Pamela Voorhees, Jason's mother. Jason doesn't make an appearance until Friday the 13th Part II." Sean said.
Casey Becker: Jason! Jason! Jason!
"You dumb bitch! No! It's not Jason. He didn't show up until the sequel." Sean said.
Mysterious Caller: Jason didn't show up until the sequel.
"I just said that, movie. Stop pointing out stuff that I mentioned already." Sean said. "Oh, well. You know what that means."
(The lights are turned off, we hear the sound of a knife stabbing into some flesh and a slicing sound as the lights turn back on. Steve closes his eyes and we see his eviscerated corpse sitting in a chair)
Sean looks on in shock right before he eats his pizza. "Jesus Christ, movie! That was pretty brutal. Okay, after seeing that dude's intestines hanging out, I don't think I'm hungry any more. As a matter of fact."
Sean starts eating his slice of pizza while Cami gives him a look of disgust.
"Don't judge me. I'm not trying to let this pizza go to waste." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, that was a pretty brutal death. Originally, this movie was going to be rated NC-17 because of it's gory scenes because the MPAA wanted Wes Craven to trim some from the movie. Anyway, Ghostface, who's the mystery caller, makes it into the house, but then Casey succumbs to stupidity by looking back into the house to see if he's still in there.
(A clip from Batman is shown)
Joker (Played by Jack Nicholson): You idiot!
"Yeah, never stop and check to see if the killer is still in the house. Add that to the Meta Moment counter." Sean said.
Meta Moment: #2
Sean: (Narrating) But Ghostface manages to make sure work of her by stabbing her just as her parents arrive at the house. Ooh, so close. Casey's parents, played by David Booth and Carla Hatley, enter the house to look for their daughter. As Mrs. Becker picks up the phone to call the police, they hear their daughter on the other line. So as they head outside, this happens.
(Casey's mother screams as her and her husband find her disemboweled corpse hanging from a tree)
"And the body count has started. And pretty damn early, I might add. Man, the first 13 minutes is pretty frightening and I loved every moment." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After that intense opening, we're introduced to our main character Sidney Prescott, played by Neve Campbell. She's busy working on her homework on her computer as she begins to hear a sound coming from her window. So, she goes to check it out and...
(Sidney screams right when Billy surprises her)
Billy Loomis (Played by Skeet Ulrich): It's just me.
"Only for Jughead's father to jumpscare her to death. And me. Buddy, you were about this close to joining your pal Fred. Thanks for trying to give me a heart attack." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that Billy Loomis, played by F.P. Jones himself Skeet Ulrich, visits his girlfriend Sidney. But before they do the talking, Sidney's father Neil Prescott, played by Lawrence Hecht, goes to check on her after he heard her screaming. He tells his daughter that he'll be out of town for a couple of day and he gets back till Sunday. After he leaves...
Billy Loomis: (Hides behind Sidney's bed and pulls out a stuffed animal and speaks in a gruff voice) Close call.
"Watch it, now." Sean said.
Billy Loomis: I was home watching television, and the, uh... The Exorcist was on. Got me thinking of you.
"Wait, what?" Brian asked.
"Uh, I'm sorry but how can The Exorcist make you think of your girlfriend? Unless he was watching that scene where Regan was fucking herself with the crucifix and saying "Let Jesus fuck you!", you have some serious issues, my friend. You never expected something like this with me." Sean said.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
Taylor: Sean, what are you doing here? My parents are in the house.
Sean: Yeah, so?
Taylor: They're in town for a couple of days. You can't be here.
Sean: Babe, I was watching Ghostbusters on Freeform and they were showing the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. It got me thinking about you.
(Taylor gives Sean a confused look)
Taylor: What?
(Sean pulls out a bag of Jet Puffed marshmallows as Taylor giggles)
Taylor: Oh, that.
Sean: Yeah. S'mores with you and your parents.
Taylor: Well, I got the graham crackers and the Hershey's chocolate.
Sean: Cool beans.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) And then, Billy compares their relationship to movie ratings.
"Oh, that's helpful." Sean said.
"I'm a film buff as much as the next guy, but, seriously?" Brian said.
Billy Loomis: (On his and Sidney's relationship) Nice solid R-rating on our way to an NC-17. And now... things have changed and lately we're just sort of edited for television.
Sidney Prescott (Played by Neve Campbell): Oh, so you though you would climb in my window and we'd have a little raw footage?
Billy Loomis: (Laughs) No. No, I wouldn't dream of breaking your underwear rule.
"So, you're just hoping to get a little p..., let me get a kid-friendly wording for it, uh... a little action. You're hoping to get a little action from her, right?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Well, Billy is going have some blue balls tonight because here's the little deal about Sidney. You see, her mother Maureen Prescott was, um, how do I put this? Was brutally raped and murder the year before and she's struggling with the impending first anniversary of her death and because of her mother's extra-marital activities with other men, Sidney's afraid that she'll end up like her if her and Billy have sex. So, yeah. No action for him.
Sidney Prescott: Hey, Billy. Would you settle for a PG-13 relationship?
Billy Loomis: What's that?
(Sidney flashes Billy and shows him her breasts)
"Oh, come on. At least show us Neve Campbell's boobs. Well, she was working on Party of Five and maybe she wants to keep her family-friendly image. Well, then there's the movie Wild Things and she did a lesbian scene with Denise Richards." Sean said.
(A clip from Wild Things is shown as we see Suzie, played by Neve Campbell and Kelly, played by Denise Richards making out in the pool)
A naughty smirk appears on Sean's face after that scene plays. "That's one reason why I love that movie. Another reason was the threesome scene."
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, the town of Woodsboro becomes a media circus with news coverage about the murders of Casey and Steve. We're then introduced to a tabloid reporter by the name of Gail Weathers, played by Courteney Cox. And we see that she's sporting her April O'Neil outfit. We're also introduced to Sidney's best friend Tatum, played by Rose McGowan. Tatum tells Sidney about what happened to Casey and Steve.
Sidney Prescott: Casey Becker, she sits next to me in English.
Tatum Riley (Played by Rose McGowan): Not anymore. It's so sad. Her mom and dad, they found her hanging from a tree, her insides on the outside.
Sidney Prescott: Oh, my God!
"Thanks a lot. Now you made me lose my appetite." Sean said as he sits his pizza down on the table.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Sidney is sent to the principal's office where we see Tatum's brother Deputy Dewey Riley played by David Arquette, Sheriff Burke played by Joseph Whipp and...
Sheriff Burke (Played by Joseph Whipp) Who's up next?
Principal Arthur Himbry (Played by Henry Winkler): Uh, Sidney Prescott. She was daughter of, uh...
"Oh, my God. IS THAT...?" Sean gets excited when he sees Henry Winkler.
(A shot of Principal Himbry is shown with the caption "and HENRY WINKLER as Arthur Himbry" shown below him while the "Happy Days" theme starts playing)
Sean: (V/O) IT IS! It's the Fonz from Happy Days!
"Dear God, please tell me that he's going to give an awesome performance!" Sean exclaimed with a smile on his face.
Principal Arthur Himbry: We're gonna keep this very brief, Sidney. The police just want to ask you a few questions. You okay?
"Oh, Lord. I've never asked for much. But thank you for choosing the actor to cameo in this awesome movie. Truly, he is going to be the best thing about this review. Thank you." Sean said as he bends his head down in prayer while heavenly music starts playing.
Sean: (Narrating) We're then introduced to two more characters of the movie. Stu Macher, the boyfriend of Tatum Riley, who's a complete ass, played by Matthew Lillard, in a role that thankfully doesn't require him to go outside his acting range.
(A clip from Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed is shown)
Shaggy (Played by Matthew Lillard): (After drinking a potion that gives him a woman's body) I've got a chick's body!
"Did I say acting range?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) And then we're introduced to the best character of the whole movie, Randy Meeks played brilliantly by Jamie Kennedy and this was before he did Malibu's Most Wanted and Son of the Mask. Randy is horror geek and did I mention that he's the best character of the movie? We learn that Stu's had some history with Casey. Her and Stu used to date before she dumped his ass for Steve and then Randy accuses him of being the killer.
Tatum Riley: Stu was with me last night, okay?
Stu Macher (Played by Matthew Lillard): Yeah, I was.
Randy Meeks (Played by Jamie Kennedy): Was that before or after he sliced and diced?
Tatum Riley: Fuck you, nutcase. Where were you last night?
Randy Meeks: Working, thank you.
Tatum Riley: Oh, at the video store? I thought they fired your sorry ass.
Randy Meeks: Twice.
"Okay, how the fuck do yourself fired at a video store twice? Unless he was in the porno section, I do not want to know what he was doing." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) With a psycho killer on the loose, Sidney doesn't feel comfortable staying at home by herself. So, she packs herself an overnight bag and makes plans to stay over at Tatum's house after she finishes cheerleader practice so she can come and pick her up. Sidney dozes off on the couch and gets a phone call from Tatum as she lets her know that she'll be on her way to pick her up and she's even stopping to pick up a movie from the video store.
"Ah, video stores. This was before Netflix and Redbox. I go down to Blockbuster Video to rent me a movie to watch." Sean said. "I miss those days."
Tatum Riley: I'm gonna swing by the video store. I was thinkin' Tom Cruise in All the Right Moves. You know if you pause it just right, you can see his penis.
Sidney Prescott: Whatever. Just hurry, okay?
"You know, when I first watched All the Right Moves, I wanted to see Lea Thompson naked. But why did you have to bring that up, Tatum? Now, I'm going to live with the fact that I saw Tom Cruise's top gun. Thanks a lot. Dimwit." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After Tatum calls, Sidney gets another phone call. But instead of Tatum, Ghostface calls Sidney, which she think's it's Randy. So, he asks her this question.
Ghostface: Do you like scary movies, Sidney?
Sidney Prescott: I like that thing you're doing with your voice, Randy. It's sexy.
Ghostface: What's your favorite scary movie?
Sidney Prescott: Oh, come on. You know I don't watch that shit.
Ghostface: Why not? Too scared?
Sidney Prescott: No. No. It's just, what's the point? They're all the same. Some stupid killer stalking some big-breasted girl who can't act, who's always running up the stairs when she should be going out the front door. It's insulting.
Meta Moment: #3
"Sidney, it's my job to point out all the cliches in movies, so..." Sean said.
(A clip from Penn & Teller's Bullshit is shown)
Penn Jillette: You need to shut the fuck up!
"Let the real critics do their job." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Ghostface tells Sidney to check her front porch, but she calls his bluff.
Sidney Prescott: Can you see me right now?
Ghostface: Uh-huh.
Sidney Prescott: Ah, ok. (Stick her finger in her nose) What am I doing? Huh? Huh? What am I doing? Hello!
"Yeah, I see you making an ass out of yourself in front of a killer right now. That's what I'm seeing right now." Sean said.
(Sidney stick her finger in her nose)
Sean: (V/O) Bitch, stop picking your nose!
Sean: (Narrating) Then, Ghostface proceeds to insult Sidney by bringing up her dead mother after threatening her. So, she heads back in the house just as Ghostface comes out of the closet so he can kill her, but Sidney manages to fight off Ghostface for a bit. But then Sidney succumbs to stupidity by trying to go through the front door after she locked it after stepping back inside the house.
(A clip from Family Guy is shown)
Lois Griffin (Voiced by Alex Borstein): Fucking idiot.
Sean: (Narrating) Guess that means going upstairs and locking yourself in the room. But hey, since Sidney is a teen in the 90s, she's also tech savvy when she uses her computer to contact the cops. After she did that, Billy arrives after Ghostface vanishes. He consoles Sidney until a cell phone falls out of his pocket, which makes Sidney think that, hmm maybe he's the killer.
(Sidney steps back away from Billy)
Billy Loomis: Sid, what?
"Okay, this is very suspicious. The killer vanishes from sight and Billy immediately shows up. Very suspicious, don't you think? Plus, he was carrying around a cell phone. So, that's very suspicious." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Sidney runs into Dewey, who was standing in front of the door and Billy is arrested and taken to the station for questioning. As Dewey takes Sidney down to the station, reporter Gale Weathers is on the scene along with her cameraman Kenny, played by W. Earl Brown, arrive on the scene to talk to Sidney right when they're leaving.
Kenny (Played by W. Earl Brown): Where's she going?
Gale Weathers (Played by Courteney Cox): Look... Kenny...
Kenny: Yeah?
Gale Weathers: I know that you're about 50 pounds overweight, but when I say hurry, please interpret that as move your fat, tub-of-lard ass now!
(A clip from Friends is shown)
Monica Geller (Played by Courteney Cox): And remember, if I'm harsh with you it's only because you're doing it wrong.
"You know, it's a nice change of pace to see Courteney Cox playing a silly and sweet character in Friends to seeing her playing a complete bitch in Scream." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back at the police station, Billy is questioned by Sheriff Burke about his whereabouts last night and pins the murders of Casey and Steve on him, so Billy claims that he didn't do it, so they just keep him in holding. Anyway, Dewey shows him the Ghostface costume that was sold in every store. Yeah, this costume was out before the film was made. Anyway, Tatum and Dewey escort Sidney out the back of the police station but Gale catches up with them so she can interview with Sidney.
Gale Weathers: Hi. Some night. What happened? Are you all right?
Tatum Riley: She's not answering any questions, all right? Just leave us alone.
Sidney Prescott: No. No, Tatum. It's OK. She's just doing her job, right, Gale?
Gale Weathers: Yes, that's right.
Sidney Prescott: So how's the book?
Gale Weathers: Well, it'll be out later this year.
Sidney Prescott: Ah. I'll look for it.
Gale Weathers: I'll send you a copy.
(Sidney punches Gale in the face)
"Ohhh! That was the best punch ever seen on film. Let's see that again." Sean said, with a smile on his face.
(We see Sidney punching Gale in the face)
"And again." Sean said.
(The scene plays back again)
"One more time but with some funny edits." Sean said.
(Sidney punches Gale, this time with the Subaluwa sound effect from Ed, Edd 'n Eddy plays. Then, the boxing bell starts playing. Next, the words "KO" from Street Fighter appear on the screen as Sidney punches Gale)
Gale Weathers: (With Beetlejuice's voice) Hey, Mr. Slap Nut!
Sidney Prescott: (With Jeff Jarrett's voice) What'd you call me?
Gale Weathers: Slap nut!
Sidney Prescott: You know who you talkin' to?
Gale Weathers: Yeah you, slap nut!
(Sidney slugs Gale in the face)
Announcer: Oh, my God! Down goes Beetlejuice!
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Sidney is staying at Tatum's when she gets another phone call from Ghostface, which means Billy is innocent. Or maybe there's two killers running loose. Who knows.
Sean looks at his phone, making sure that it doesn't ring again. "Sorry, just making sure."
"Makes you think, huh?" Brian asked.
"Think of what?" Sean asked.
"More than one killer." Brian said.
"What? The thought of maybe one killer running around the town of Woodsboro?" Sean asked. "Hmm, haven't thought of that."
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, we see that Sidney and Tatum arrive at school, where reporters try to interview her, then she goes to talk to Gale about Cotton Weary, played by Liev Schreiber. Turns out that Cotton Weary was the man that Sidney fingered him for the murder of her mother and Gale was the reporter covering his arrest and Gale believes that he's innocent.
Sidney Prescott: Do you still think he's innocent?
Gale Weathers: Your testimony put him away. It doesn't really matter what I think.
Sidney Prescott: During the trial, you did all those stories about me. You called me a liar.
Gale Weathers: I think you falsely identified him, yes.
"What? Sidney, you're an idiot. Why would you think that this guy killed your mother? I believe he's innocent. What? Was she the one that witnessed Batman jumping out the window when Salvatore Valestra's apartment blew up?" Sean asked until we hear a buzzing sound. "What? Why can't I use a Mask of the Phantasm reference for this review?"
(The caption on the screen says "You used up your Mask of the Phantasm references")
"What?! Oh, great. Now what am I going to use as a reference for this review?" Sean asked as a photo of Liev Schreiber dancing with Steve Martin in Mixed Nuts is shown. "Uh, okay. Umm... maybe Sidney saw his twin brother who dresses in drag dancing with Steve Martin."
We hear the sound of crickets chirping and a person coughing is heard while no one laughs.
"Goddamn me for referencing an awesome Batman movie too many times." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Gale asks Sidney if the killer's still on the loose but Sidney just walks away and then Gale has something for the story of the century.
Gale Weathers: An innocent man on Death Row. A killer still on the loose. Kenny, tell me I'm dreaming.
Kenny: You want to go live?
Gale Weathers: No, no, no. Not so fast. We don't have anything concrete.
Kenny: This is huge. You can't just sit on it.
Gale Weathers: I know. That's why we need proof. If I'm right about this, I could save a man's life. Do you know what that could do for my book sales?
"I'm gonna be bigger and better than Jennifer Aniston and Lisa Kudrow. Suck it, bitches!" Sean said, imitating Gale.
Sean: (Narrating) We see some students pulling pranks by dressing up as Ghostface, then Sidney bumps into Billy and he wants to talk to her, but their conversation don't go too well.
Sidney Prescott: Please understand.
Billy Loomis: Understand what? That I have a girlfriend who would rather accuse me of bein' a psychopathic killer than touch me?
Sidney Prescott: You know that's not true.
Billy Loomis: Then what is it?
Sidney Prescott: What... is it? Billy, I was attacked and nearly filleted last night.
Billy Loomis: I mean between us. I mean, you haven't been the same since... Since your mother died.
(Sean pops into frame wearing a pair of sunglasses and a grey button down shirt a la Filthy Frank. He looks at the camera, then turns to Billy before looking back at the camera and turning back to Billy)
Sean: (Points at Billy) You're a fucking idiot.
Sean: (Narrating) So much for Billy being sensitive, he tells Sidney to get over the death of her mother and get the D from him. But this pisses offends Sidney. Meanwhile...
Principal Arthur Himbry: (To two students) You make me so sick. Your entire havoc-inducing, thieving, whoring generation disgusts me. So 2 of your fellow students were just savagely murdered, And this is the way that you show your compassion and sensitivity, huh? Let me tell you something... you're both expelled. Get out!
"Geez, the Fonz suddenly turned into Dean Wormer from Animal House." Sean said.
Expelled Teen #1 (Played by Troy Bishop): Come on, Mr. Himbry! It was just a joke!
Expelled Teen #2 (Played by Ryan Kennedy): That's not fair!
Principal Arthur Himbry: You're absolutely right. It is not fair. Fairness would be to rip your insides out, hang you from a tree so we can expose you for the heartless, desensitized little shits that you are.
(A clip from National Lampoon's Animal House is shown)
Dean Wormer (Played by the late John Vernon): The time has come for someone to put his foot down and that foot is me.
Sean: (Narrating) Sidney hides in the restroom and she overhears two cu..., I mean, bitches, talking shit about her and saying that she's the killer.
Cheerleader in Bathroom (Played by Leonora Scelfo): What if Sidney killed Casey and Steve?
Girl in Bathroom (Played by Nancy Anne Ridder): Now, why would she do that?
Cheerleader in Bathroom: Maybe she had the hots for Steve. And killed them both in a jealous rage.
Girl in Bathroom: What would Sidney want with Steve? She has her own bubble-butt boyfriend Billy.
Cheerleader in Bathroom: Maybe she's a slut just like her mother.
"Okay, listen here you bitch! I do not condone slut shaming. What you're doing is pretty harsh. Jesus, can Ghostface kill those two, please? I hate bitches like that." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After that nonsense, Sidney gets attacked by Ghostface again and this is what bothers me about this scene and I have to question it. What was Ghostface doing in there the whole time while he's waiting for Sidney? Was he playing his Game Boy in the stall while waiting for her. And because of this attack, Principal Himbry suspends classes and there's a citywide curfew is ordered by the Woodsboro police, which means for Stu to throw a party at his house. Meanwhile, we see that Principal Himbry gets ding-dong ditched by an unruly student and jump scaring himself after looking at himself in the mirror a couple of times.
Principal Arthur Himbry: (Opens the door) Damn little shits.
Fred the Janitor (Played by the late Wes Craven): What'd you call me? Huh?
"Hey, we got a cameo from Wes Craven. Add that to the meta moment counter." Sean said.
Meta Moment: # 4
"Also, we had a cameo from Linda Blair as a reporter, and then you have the Fonz playing the principal. So, that makes it six." Sean said.
Meta Moment: #6
(Principal Himbry opens his closet and we see a black leather jacket, a jacket worn by Henry Winkler when he played the Fonz in Happy Days)
Meta Moment: #7
Sean: (Narrating) Well, I guess nothing bad is going to happen to him. I'm sure that he'll be alright.
(Ghostface appears after Principal Himbry closes the door. He proceeds to stab Himbry four times as Himbry screams)
We cut back to Sean who's seen chuckling from Henry Winkler's death scene for a bit. "I think the reason why Ghostface killed the Fonz was because he directed Cop and a 1/2."
Sean: (V/O as Ghostface) This is for Cop and a 1/2! Burt Reynolds send his regards.
Sean: (Narrating) I don't know what makes this death scene so funny. Maybe it's because from seeing Henry Winkler getting stabbed by Ghostface or the fact that it sounds like he's having a really bad orgasm.
(We get a photo of a DVD cover with porno music playing in the background. On the DVD, the title of the porno movie is called "Make Him Scream". On the DVD cover, we see Principal Himbry screaming next to Jill Kassady while we hear him screaming in the background)
"Hmm, if only I can make this scene pretty funny. Oh, I know!" Sean exclaimed.
(We see Principal Himbry getting stabbed by Ghostface while the "Happy Days" theme plays in the background)
(Another clip from National Lampoon's Animal House is shown)
Donald Schoenstein (Played by Peter Riegert): Well, that was pleasant. Nice of him to stop by, dontcha think?
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to Tatum and Sidney while School's Out for Summer by Alice Cooper starts playing. Okay, nice touch after seeing the Fonz getting killed by Ghostface. Anyway, Tatum and Sidney talk about Cotton Weary about him having an affair with Sidney's mother. This is what I love about this scene, you have Sidney and Tatum simply sit and talk just like how two normal friends could talk. You have no bad language thrown in and they're talking about something that would naturally come up and we see Tatum's softer, friendlier side.
Sidney Prescott: You know, if I was wrong about Cotton Weary, then the killer's still out there.
Tatum Riley: Don't go there, Sid. You're starting to sound like some Wes Carpenter flick or something.
Meta Moment: # 8
Sean: (Narrating) Also, I just like to point out this shot.
(The camera zooms in and we see Ghostface hiding in the bushes)
Sean chuckles a bit. "I love that part."
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to Randy and Stu at the video store debating on who the killer could possibly. Randy, who has a huge crush on Sidney, points the finger at Billy, who just so happens to be in the horror section of the video store. But Stu thinks that it's Sidney's father for some reason. And then we come to my favorite bit of the film which points out the ultimate cliche in movies.
Randy Meeks: See, the police are always off track with this shit. If they watched Prom Night, they'd save time. There's a formula to it, a very simple formula! Everybody's a suspect!
Meta Moment: #9
Sean laughs a bit. "Okay, I love everybody's reaction after Randy yells out that everybody's a suspect."
Randy Meeks: Everybody's a suspect!
"Yeah, try shouting out loud enough, I don't think that Angela Lansbury in reruns of Murder, She Wrote heard you enough." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Billy then points the finger at Randy because Randy is a big-fan of horror movies. But Randy still thinks that Billy is the killer. So, with the curfew out in effect, Sidney and Tatum get some snacks for the party and...
(We see Ghostface's reflection on the freezer door)
"Okay, how stupid is everybody in this town? Doesn't anybody notice the serial killer in the grocery store? How the fuck does anyone miss that? To be curious, what was Ghostface doing in the grocery story?" Sean asked.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see Sean, who's dressed as Ghostface, pushing a cart around through the grocery store)
Sean: (as Ghostface) Alright, peanut butter. Peanut butter. Where is it? (Finds the jar of Jif peanut butter and picks it up before putting it in his cart) Ah, there it is.
(Sean moves to the next aisle, which is the frozen section)
Sean: (Checks his shopping list) Okay, let's see. I need some Viennetta ice cream and some pizza rolls. (Sees Sidney and Tatum) Holy crap, it's her! Okay, let me hide so she won't notice me.
(Sean runs and hides, then runs back for his shopping cart)
Sean: I might need that as well. I need to get some Budweiser for me and my buddies.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Dewey, Sheriff Burke tells Dewey that the calls were listed to Sidney's father and that he made the calls on his cellular phone. Um, I'm pretty sure that the guy's probably dead or kidnapped. I'm pretty sure he's been kidnapped. Later that night, since the town's under a 9pm curfew, the youth of America party at Stu's house to celebrate the suspension of school.
"A house in the middle of nowhere? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that it won't end well." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Gale bumps into Dewey, who's smitten by her and he goes to check things out at the party, with Gale tagging along, just for her to place a camera inside to keep an eye on things from the news van. Meanwhile, Tatum leaves the party and heads to the garage to fetch some beers and... (Sees Tatum's nipples are seen poking through her tight green shirt) Hellooooooo, nurse!
"Wow, it's a bit nipply in..., I mean, nippy in the garage. You know, at least the party is a lot hooter, I mean hotter than it is." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) As she's trying to grab some beers, things don't go according to plan when she finds herself cornered by Ghostface, which makes her think that it's Randy playing a prank on her.
Tatum Riley: Oh, you want to play Psycho Killer?
(Ghostface nods as Tatum laughs)
Tatum Riley: Can I be the helpless victim?
"Get out of there, you stupid bimbo! He's going to kill you!." Sean exclaimed.
Tatum Riley: No, please don't kill me, Mr. Ghostface. I want to be in the sequel.
"Babe, you won't make it into the sequel. In fact, I know a much better place for you. It's on The WB and you'll be playing this smokin' hot character in Charmed." Sean said as a photo of Rose McGowan as Paige Matthews is shown next to him.
Sean: (Narrating) So, Ghostface cuts the living fuck out of Tatum's arm and she manages to fight him off.
(Tatum hits Ghostface in the face with the freezer door, before running to the door and grabs a bottle of beer)
Tatum Riley: Fucker!
(Tatum throws a beer bottle at Ghostface and hits him in the crotch before hitting him in the head with another beer bottle)
Sean starts laughing at Ghostface. "Okay, is it just me or is Ghostface just clumsy as fuck in these movies?"
(Ghostface runs towards Tatum and does a flip over her and lands on the stairs)
"Definitely clumsy as fuck." Sean said while laughing.
Sean: (Narrating) Then, Tatum does the most stupidest thing ever by going through the cat door and gets stuck in it and then...
(Ghostface opens the garage door, with Tatum still stuck in it, As it goes up, Tatum's neck is crushed by the garage door)
"Ooh, nasty." Sean said, imitating Treguard from the British game show Knightmare.
"Ouch." Brian managed.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, ouch! After that death, the party is ending as some of the students head home because of curfew, then Billy arrives to talk to Sidney up in Stu's parents' room. Right, "talk". Which is code for sex. So, the two of them end up talking about it and her mother and her fears about turning into her mother.
Billy Loomis: It's like Jodie Foster in Silence of the Lambs when she keeps having flashbacks of her dead father.
Sidney Prescott: But this is life. This isn't a movie.
Billy Loomis: Sure it is, Sid. It's all... it's all a movie. It's all one great big movie. (Touches Sidney's cheek) Only, you can't pick your genre.
"Billy Loomis, ladies and gentlemen. Those are words to live by when you want to get freaky with your girl." Sean said.
Sidney Prescott: Why can't I be a Meg Ryan movie? Or even a good porno?
"If I want a good porno to watch, I'd rather watch Axel Braun's Scream: The XXX Porn Parody, that way you'll get to see Zoe Voss and Scarlett Fay lezzing it out with each other. Best part of the movie, trust me." Sean said as he winked naughtily at the camera.
"Ugh, men. What is it with you guys watching women having sex with each other?" Cami asked.
"Because it's hot." Sean said as Cami rolled her eyes at her cousin.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Sidney and Billy decided to take their relationship to the next level by having sex.
"Oh, hell. I have to do this." Sean said as he grabs the remote and starts playing some music.
(The song "Freak Me" by Silk plays while Sidney and Billy have sex)
Billy Loomis: (As Sidney takes off her bra in front of Billy) You are so... amazing.
"'Cause tonight, baby, I wanna get freaky with you." Sean sang.
Sean: (Narrating) While Billy is busy giving Sidney the D upstairs, Randy, Stu and the rest of the teens are downstairs watching John Carpenter's Halloween and we come to the most famous and best scene of the movie is when Randy gives out the three important rules in order to survive a horror movie.
Randy Meeks: There are certain rules that one must abide by in order to successfully survive a horror movie. For instance, number one: you can never have sex.
All: Ohh!
Randy Meeks: Big no-no! Big no-no!
Stu Macher: Dead man.
"Well, I guess Sidney and Billy broke the first rule. Revolver Ocelot, take it over." Sean said.
(The "Game Over" screen for Metal Gear Solid is shown)
Revolver Ocelot: You idiot!
"Alright, Randy. What's the next rule?" Sean asked.
Randy Meeks: Number 2: You can never drink or do drugs.
(Everyone cheers and starts drinking their beers)
Randy Meeks: No, the sin factor. It's the sin. It's an extension of number one.
"You idiots are drinking beer!" Sean exclaimed. "That's another rule broken. And also, that's meta moments #10 and #11.
Meta Moments: #10 and #11
Randy Meeks: And number 3: never, ever, ever, under any circumstances, say, "I'll be right back," 'cause you won't be back.
Meta Moment: #12
Stu Macher: I'm getting another beer. You want one?
Randy Meeks: Yeah, sure.
Stu Macher: I'll be right back!
All: Ohh!
Randy Meeks: You see, you push the laws, and you end up dead, ok?
"Uh, hold on, guys. I'll be right back, I'm gonna go get me a can of Sprite lymonade." Sean said as he gets up from off of the couch and heads to the kitchen.
While Sean is in the kitchen, Ghostface suddenly pops up from behind the couch and gets ready to stab the young critic, only to see that he vanished into thin air as he looked around to see where he went.
"Where the hell did he go?" Ghostface asked.
Sean reappears as Ghostface, looking shocked to see Sean, screams and starts running away as Sean walked back over to his couch to watch his assailant running away like a coward.
"Hmm. Well, seems like Ghostface is afraid of actual ghosts." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Gale and Kenny are keeping an eye on the teens and getting bored at what's going on until Dewey lets Gale know that somebody reported a car in the bushes down the road, so the two of them check it out while Kenny stays in the van to keep watch. Aside from Sidney and Billy breaking rule number one and Dewey and Gale checking out the car in the bushes, Randy and the rest of the drunken teens watch Halloween until Randy gets a phone call regarding Mr. Himbry.
Randy Meeks: Holy shit. No. Listen up. They found Principal Himbry dead. He was gutted and hung from the goalpost on the football field.
Teen: What are we waiting for?
Teen on Couch (Played by Justin Sullivan): Let's go over there before they pry him down. Whoo!
"Wow, do you guys have no respect for the dead?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) We cut back to Dewey and Gale and we see that they're hitting it off pretty well and getting to know each other until the drunken teens try to run them both over as they jump into the grass, avoiding the speeding cars and then...
(Gale kisses Dewey as "Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepson starts playing)
"Stop, stop, stop!" Sean yelled out as the record scratches. "Can we play something else?"
("Baby" by Justin Bieber starts playing as Gale kisses Dewey)
"Mother...!" Sean gets frustrated as he pulls out his Uzi and fires it up in the air as the song stops. "Anything else?"
(The "Ducktales" theme by Jeff Pescetto starts playing)
"Well, that'll do." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After their mini makeout session, Dewey and Gale stumble across the car, which is Neil Prescott's car parked off the road nearby. Back in the bedroom after sex, Sidney questions Billy about his phone call from jail. He takes offense when Sidney accuses him of being the killer. But then Ghostface appears and stabs the living fuck out of Billy. So, he goes after Sidney and...
(Sidney hits Ghostface in the face with the door)
"See, this is why Michael Myers and Jason Voorhees don't run." Sean chuckled a bit.
Sean: (Narrating) Sidney climbs out of a window and falls on a boat only to find Tatum's corpse logged in the garage door. (Shudders a bit) Back with Randy, he's still watching Halloween in a scene that gets tense and ironic because Randy is telling Jamie Lee Curtis to turn around. I find it funny that all you can hear Jamie Kennedy, Randy's portrayer, saying this.
Randy Meeks: Jamie, look behind you. Look behind you. Turn around.
"Turn around, he's behind you. Turn around." Sean said.
Randy Meeks: Behind you.
(Ghostface gets ready to stab Randy)
"And he's fuckin' dead." Sean said.
Sidney Prescott: (Outside) Help me!
(Ghostface turns around as he hears Sidney yelling for help)
"Well, Randy lives for another day." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Sidney runs over to the news van screaming for help until Kenny lets her in, only to see Randy on camera with the killer getting ready to strike.
Kenny: (Sees Randy on-screen) Behind you, kid!
Sidney Prescott: Randy!
Kenny: Behind you!
(Kenny opens the van door and sees that the front door is open)
Kenny: Shit! We're on 30-second delay.
"Right, I neglected to mention that the camera was on a 30-second delay. Silly me." Sean said.
(Kenny turns around as Ghostface appears and slashes his throat)
"Oh, my God! He killed Kenny! You bastard!" Sean yelled out.
(We see a photo of Kenny and the caption says "Kenny the Cameraman. 1963-1996", it's shown briefly along with the opening to the theme music from Titanic)
Sean: (Narrating) Ghostface stabs Sidney in the shoulder. Don't worry, it's just a flesh wound. She manages to get away from him just as Gale and Dewey arrive at the house. Dewey checks things out in the house while Gale tries to contact the cops on her cell phone. She begins to panic right when she sees Randy and beans him in the head a couple of times before Kenny's corpse on the top of the news van freaks her out.
Gale Weathers: (While driving) Oh, God, Kenny, I'm sorry, but get off my fucking windshield!
(Kenny's corpse falls off of the van)
"Wow, Gale. Have you no respect for the dead? But then again, she was being mean to him. Bitch." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But then Sidney does her best imitation of a deer on the road while trying to stop the news van, causing Gale to drive off the road and crash into a tree. Oh, yeah. Dewey gets stabbed in the back, literally.
(We see that Dewey falls to the ground, revealing the knife in his back)
"You know, I've always known that Ghostface was a real backstabber." Sean said as a comedic rimshot is heard.
Sean: (Narrating) Well, since there are no adults left. This only means two suspects left. So, Sidney takes Dewey's gun and points it at both Randy and Stu with Randy saying that Stu killed Tatum and Stu pointing the finger at Randy for killing Billy and Tatum. And Sidney does the most logical thing ever.
Sidney Prescott: (To Stu and Randy) Fuck you both!
(Sidney enters the house and locks out Stu and Randy)
(A clip from Friends is shown)
Rachel Green (Played by Jennifer Aniston): You idiot!
"Our hero, ladies and gentlemen. Leaving her friends outside to die at the hands of a killer. You fat, bloated idiot!" Sean yelled as he imitates Ren.
Sean: (Narrating) But then Billy's still alive, hmm that's funny. He was stabbed fatally multiple times. He doesn't even have a stab wound on him. Something's up.
Randy Meeks: Stu's flipped out! He's gone mad!
Billy Loomis: (Turns to Randy) We all go a little mad sometimes.
(Billy points the gun at Randy)
Sidney Prescott: No, Billy!
Randy Meeks: Oh, fuck!
(Billy shoots Randy in the shoulder)
(A clip from Jacksepticeye playing Happy Wheels is shown)
Jacksepticeye: Screw you, Billy!
"Okay, I gotta love that little reference to Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho." Sean said.
(A clip from Psycho is shown)
Norman Bates (Played by the late Anthony Perkins) We all go a little mad sometimes.
"Add that to the meta moment counter." Sean said.
Meta Moment: #13
Billy Loomis: Anthony Perkins, Psycho.
"Screw you, Billy! Let me point out the references to horror movies." Sean said.
Billy Loomis: Mmm. (Licks the fake blood off of his finger) Corn syrup. Same stuff they used for pig's blood in Carrie.
Meta Moment: #14
Sean: (Narrating) We get the shocking reveal of Ghostface as the killer is revealed to be Billy and we get another shocker, Stu is also the killer as well. Oh, my God! Two killers. Okay, I friggin' love that reveal! We thought it was going to be one killer but it's only two killers. Alright, I'm going to explain it. Billy and Stu plan the whole murder spree and Ghostface plot to gain fame and fortune as the final two and to get revenge on Sidney. Why are they getting revenge on Sidney?
Billy Loomis: (To Sidney) Your slut mother was fucking my father, and she's the reason my mom moved out and abandoned me.
"Turns out that Sidney's mother was boinking Billy's father and that caused his mother to move out and abandon him, so he kills Maureen and frames Cotton Weary for the murder of her mother. Well, Sidney. You accused an innocent man for murder and you fucked a psychopath. But then again, F.P. Jones has mommy issues." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And here's another shocker, they kidnapped Sidney's father and they plan to pin the murders on him. Also, their plan includes taking turns stabbing each other, which make them both idiots.
(A clip from 101 Dalmations is shown)
Cruella De Vil (Played by Glenn Close): (To Anita and Roger) You fools, you idiot!
"2 killers. That explains the beginning. "Which door am I at?" Brian asked.
"Yeah, but these two are not the brightest. You see, Billy and Stu starts stabbing each other and with their knowledge is based on horror films, they don't know how much damage a single stab wound causes internally." Sean said.
Stu Macher: (After Billy stabs him) Stop it, man, would you? All right? I can't take anymore. I feel a little woozy here!
"Yeah, that's blood loss, buddy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But things get worse for the duo as Gale takes the gun and points it at them. But Gale is not so bright about how to use a handgun when Billy knocks her the fuck out.
Billy Loomis: Works better without the safety on.
"See, you have to check to see if the safety's on. Or you'll end up like Zeus from Die Hard with a Vengeance. You'll get shot in the leg." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) This distraction gives Sidney enough time to hide herself and her father. Taking the phone with her, she calls the police. She taunts the two to keep them distracted. You know, it makes me wonder. Billy has a motive for the killings, so what's Stu's motive?
Stu Macher: Peer pressure.
"Right, peer pressure. Looks like Stu should've listened to the Flintstone Kids." Sean said.
(The "Just Say No" song from The Flintstone Kids "Just Say No" special is shown)
(Billy checks the closet to see if Sidney is hiding in there. He then turns and sees that Halloween is playing on the television until Sidney, who's wearing the Ghostface costume, stabs him with an umbrella. She then stabs Billy in the chest with the umbrella, causing Billy to scream)
"Okay, that looked painful and sounded painful. Well, the reason why that looked painful was because Skeet Ulrich's chest has as metal wiring beneath his skin, that was because he had open-heart surgery when he was a child. So, when the stuntman was supposed to hit the pad that he was wearing, the second one slipped and hit him in the chest and that hurt like a bitch. But hey, Wes Craven kept that in. This has been another Interesting Factoid." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But then a wounded Stu attacks Sidney and tries to kill her before she takes him out with the power of John Carpenter and Jamie Lee Curtis.
Stu Macher: I always had a thing for you, Sid!
(Sidney bites Stu's hand and hits him in the head with a vase before getting up and moving over to the television)
Sidney Prescott: In your dreams.
(The movie pauses on Stu screaming and the screen turn black and white)
Sean: (V/O as Morgan Freeman) And it was at this precise moment Stu knew he fucked up.
(Sidney kills Stu by dropping the television on his head)
"Zoinks!" Sean said, imitating Shaggy.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Randy survives but then gets punched out by Billy as he tries to kill Sidney but Gale shoots him. And thus, Billy and Stu are dead
Randy Meeks: Careful. This is the moment when the supposedly dead killer comes back to life for one last scare.
Meta Moment: #15
(Billy comes back for one last scare until Sidney shoots him in the head)
Sidney Prescott: Not in my movie.
Sean: (Narrating) Therefore, happy ending! The killers are dead, Sidney and her father are safe, Randy is still a virgin, Dewey is still alive after taking a knife to the back and Gale gets her story. The end. (The poster for Scream 2 is shown) That is until Scream 2 a year later.
"And that was Scream and does it hold up... yes. Yes, it does."
(Clips from the movie are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) The concept is still pretty scary and creative. The fact that the killer could be anyone, makes it a really great mystery, And I'm in for a good mystery. And I like the killer too and the fact that he questions his victims with horror movie trivia, it's pretty cool. I also like the killer's look and I know, it's been overused. And Ghostface earns a spot for the best slasher movie villains ever next to Michael Myers, Jason, Freddy and Pinhead. He can be intimidating at times but can be a little clumsy. The acting is fine, I loved the performances of Neve Campbell, Jamie Kennedy and Courteney Cox. Randy is my favorite character of the movie because I can relate to him, picking up cliches and tropes. Some of the kills look good and I enjoyed the effects, well some of the effects. I think the effect for Tatum's death look shitty. Overall, the movie got some great suspense and some great humor. I still find it to be one of the best horror movies ever coming in at 4 principals getting stabbed out of 5.
"Well, that is all for today's review, I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and..." Sean said as he turns around and notices Ghostface standing next to him. "What? Dave? Where the hell were you? I've been calling you for days and you never answered your phone. What is going on?"
"Yeah, he had me taking over for you." Cami said.
"Can you explain yourself, Davey boy?" Sean asked.
Ghostface holds his knife up in the air as Sean realizes that Ghostface is trying to kill him.
"Wait a minute." Sean turns and looks at Ghostface. His eyes widened in shock as he grabs a beer bottle and hits Ghostface over the head with it. "Run!"
Sean and Cami both make a run for it as Ghostface goes after them. The masked assailant goes after Sean and his cousin as Cami gives Sean a couple of DVDs to throw at Ghostface. Sean throws his DVD copy of Christmas Vacation 2 at Ghostface's head. He grabs another DVD, this time he throws his Batman & Robin DVD at him before grabbing his Superman IV DVD and throwing it at him.
"Sean, here!" Cami throws another DVD at Sean
.
Sean catches his DVD and sees that it's Batman: Mask of the Phantasm.
"Oh, hell no!" Sean sits the DVD down before grabbing the DVD copy of The Godfather Part III and throwing it at Ghostface before running into the other room.
As Sean and Cami enter the living room, Sean grabs his pistol from underneath his couch to defend himself and Cami from their assailant. The doorbell rings as Sean and Cami both scream from the sound of it.
"Alright, I'm gonna go check the front." Sean said.
"Sean, are you nuts?! You can't do that! Don't check the front door, that's the biggest horror movie no-no." Cami warned.
"What? It might be Taylor or probably my mother. Or it might be your sister." Sean said as he goes over to the front door.
"Sean!" Cami tries to stop her cousin.
Sean, who's armed with his signature pistol, slowly makes his way over to the front. The young critic hugged the wall, gun at the ready while he gets ready to open the door.
"Eat lead, you mother!" Sean yelled out as he quickly opened the door and points his pistol at a man with grey hair and he was wearing a pink sweater, khaki pants and dress shoes.
"Please don't shoot me." The man said.
Sean's eyes widened in surprise as he couldn't believe who's standing in front of his door. The man happens to be Henry Winkler.
"Oh, my God. Henry Winkler! Oh, my God. I almost shot the Fonz, let me put my gun away. Cami, it's Henry Winkler." Sean said with a smile on his face as Cami ran over to the door.
"Henry Winkler. That's actually Henry Winkler? Who's Henry Winkler?" Cami asked as Sean gave Cami a look.
"Who's Henry Winkler? Are you serious? He played the Fonz in Happy Days." Sean said. "What brings you here, Mr. Winkler?"
"Well, you did email me to guest star in one of your reviews and I'm happy to do it. So, which review do you want me to guest star in?" Henry asked as he entered Sean's house and closed the door behind him, only for Ghostface to come up from behind him.
Henry turns around as he sees Ghostface and stabs him four times in front of Sean and Cami as the look on in shock.
"Oh, my God!" Cami exclaimed.
Henry then falls to the floor and before he dies, he says his final words. "Oh, no. Not again."
Ghostface looks at both Sean and Cami as he wipes the blood off of his knife and points it at Sean.
"Look, what do you want for me? Why do you want me dead?" Sean asked as he drops his gun to the floor and kicks it away.
Ghostface doesn't say a word as he prepares to remove his mask, revealing himself to Sean and Cami. The revealed killer had blonde hair and blue eyes.
"I don't believe it. It's you… Piper!" Sean exclaimed.
"Surprise, Sean." Piper said, speaking into the voice changer.
"Wait, who's Piper?" Cami asked.
"Piper is the one who keeps shocking my nuts on my Charlie's Angels review." Sean said.
"That's her?!" Cami asked.
"Yep." Sean said.
"So, surprised that I'm trying to kill you, Sean? I guess this is part of your Halloween Havoc but it looks like you won't be able to make to next year." Piper said.
Sean makes a run for it as Piper pushes Cami down and chases him into the garage. Sean ends up tripping over something as he looked down and notices a tied up Dave lying on the floor.
"What the? Dave! How are you…?" Sean asked before looking up to see another Ghostface popping out from behind his Ford Explorer. "Oh, you have gotta be fucking kidding."
"Yeah. There's two of me, buddy boy." The second Ghostface said.
"Oh, Christ. I wonder who it's going to be my mother. Oh, I will be shocked if it is." Sean said, making fun of the killer.
"Nope, not your mother." The second Ghostface said.
"Taylor?" Sean asked.
"Not Taylor." The second Ghostface said.
"Wait, the Nostalgia Critic? Dude, if it's about me reviewing Christine last year, then I'm terribly sorry." Sean apologized.
"Ugh! This guy is an idiot." The second Ghostface said.
"I told you." Piper said as she entered the garage.
"Okay, what is it? What do you want? And who's this joker? And it better not be Jared Leto's Joker." Sean said.
"Actually, this is my assistant Pam. Pam, say hi." Piper said.
Pam starts removing the Ghostface mask, revealing herself to Sean and Dave. "Hi, I'm Piper's assistant."
"Hi, Pam. Okay, you still need to answer my question." Sean said.
"Oh, I have my reasons. It's a lot of reasons but I don't want to name them all. And Pam, well, she wants to join in on the fun just to kill Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic. But unless you want to hear the reason, I was going to do Halloween Havoc last year, but you beat me to the punch. I was extremely pissed at you and I wanted you dead. Aside from shocking your boys, I might as well cut them off." Piper said as she points the knife at Sean.
"Oh, God! Please no, not my boys. That's torture enough. There's no need for you to do that." Sean said.
"You're right. You're absolutely right. I might as well kill both you and Dave. Your little cousin Cami, oh I'll just give her the old Dark Knight Joker treatment. But we'll pin the attack on you and also Dave's murder, leaving the three survivors who were left alive. So, got any last words to say?" Piper asked.
"You two are sick." Sean said.
"Right, say night-night." Piper said.
Sean starts closing his eyes right when Piper gets ready to kill him. Then all of a came from Pam as she collapses to the ground. Piper turns around to notice her assistant lying on the floor dead with a stab wound on her back while Sean's eyes widened in shock as the two of them see a man wearing mechanic's outfit, boots, a mask and he was holing a kitchen knife. The person who killed Pam was Michael Myers. Piper gets ready to say something but was cut off when Michael grabs her by her throat and walks over to the wall and pushes her against it. The masked killer holds his knife up to her and stabs her to the wall.
"Holy shit!" Sean yelled out.
Michael pulls the knife out of Piper and turns to Sean. The young critic looks at Michael Myers at shock as he sees him walking over towards him.
"Oh, God. You're going to kill me, aren't you. Please don't kill me, Mr. Myers. I got a life. If it's about me making a parody of you dancing, then I'm terribly sorry. What do you want? You want money? I'll give you money, how much?" Sean asked as he pulls out his wallet and throw his money out at Michael Myers. "You don't want money? Then what is it?!"
Michael stands in front of Sean, looking at him for a moment before he ends up handing him the DVD double feature set of Halloween 4 & 5 instead of killing him before he walks out of the garage. Sean looks in confusion as he looked at the DVDs before looking at the camera.
"Looks like I'm reviewing Halloween." Sean said. "I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, see you guys next time."
Mayhem Critic Tagline- You like scary movies?
And that is all for the Scream review. I hope you like the little bit with Ghostface trying to kill Sean. And what do you think of Sean's cousin Cami? She'll be the new cameraman for Sean's reviews as well as appearing in some cutaway gags with Dave. Next time, Sean and his friend Brian review Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers and sees if it's the best Halloween sequel yet or just a disappointment. Don't forget to review this chapter, add this story to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.