The Mayhem Critic
Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic and today, Sean the Mayhem Critic finishes Halloween Havoc by reviewing Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers. That's right, we go from a home run to a swing and a miss as Sean goes off on epic rage mode on what happens to be the worst Halloween sequel ever. Will he finish out Halloween Havoc as quickly as possible or will this movie lose his mind like Halloween III: Season of the Witch? So, sit back, relax, grab a cold one. Here's The Mayhem Critic's Halloween Havoc. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Halloween 5 is owned by Anchor Bay Entertainment and Magnum Pictures.
Episode Seventy-Three
Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers
(The Halloween Havoc intro starts in the form of the Stranger Things intro)
We see Sean J. Archer a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic sitting in his living room like always, drinking his can of Sprite Lymonade. Instead of being his cheery and energetic self, he was looking angry this time
"I have no words to describe this movie. No, I'm not going to do an introduction or a joke or a bit this time. I'm just going to tell you straight out that this movie FUCKING PISSES ME OFF!" Sean yelled out.
(The title screen for "Halloween 5" is shown as well as clips from the movie while the Halloween theme plays)
Sean: (Narrating) This movie is beyond terrible. Words cannot describe how much I hate this movie. Halloween 5 is way, way worse than Halloween III: Season of the Witch but give Halloween III some credit, I find that movie to be Citizen fuckin' Kane compared to Halloween 5. Don't you just love it when a film sets up a plot for the next movie and when the next movie actually comes around, it doesn't do a goddamn thing? Well, Halloween 5 is a prime example. The acting is horrible, the writing is horrible and the music is horrible! Everything about this movie is HORRIBLE! Look here, Halloween 4 had the perfect ending, Michael was dead and the evil was passed on to Jamie. It was the big "Oh, Shit!" moment. But Moustapha Akkad, the stupid jackass, already had the plot ready for a 1989 release and figured, "Oh, no. We're not going to do that. You know my motto, create something original and then reject them s we can do the same shit again.", that's is motto. I'm sorry if I'm going to speak ill of the dead but Moustapha Akkad is a fucking idiot. But Donald Pleasence being the bad-ass pimp that he was fought with Akkad saying that Jamie should've been the killer for the next film.
"THAT'S WHAT YOU'VE ESTABLISHED IN THE LAST FILM, YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH!" Sean screamed.
(More clips of the film are shown, then a photo of the movie's director is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Why couldn't they get Dwight H. Little and Alan B. McElroy for round two? They should've done that. But instead, they hired Swiss-French director Dominique Othenin-Girard. He didn't give a shit about the plot, he didn't give a shit about the series, he just wanted to do a movie with Michael Myers just so he can get people into their seats. You know, when I first watched this movie on AMC seventeen years ago, I was starting to get sick to my stomach and I started to die a little. My God, no heart was put into this. And it's bad enough that in May of 1989 production for the film began without a solid script. Well, they took the Michael Bay route and start half-assing your way through it hoping that it'll all be fine.
"But hey, this is the last movie for Halloween Havoc, I'm almost finished! So, let's get through this without me losing my fucking mind… if that's possible. This is Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers." Sean said.
(The movie begins)
Sean: (Narrating) So, our movie opens with the title screen…
(The title "Halloween 5" is shown, but it doesn't display the subtitle "The Revenge of Michael Myers")
Sean: (Narrating) Uh, movie. You're forgetting something. Oh, Christ. They're too lazy to add the subtitle in the movie. It says "The Revenge of Michael Myers" on the DVD, promotional material, TV spots, trailers and merchandising but not in the movie, it's nowhere to be found. And then we get our credits, which gets interrupted by these annoying flashes going back and forth at random between the credits of the film and the knife carving its way into a pumpkin. (The opening credits to Halloween 4 is shown) It's a big step down from the awesome opening credits the Halloween 4. (The opening credits to Halloween, Halloween II and Halloween III is shown) Take a look at Halloween and Halloween II's opening credits, they worked because they were incredibly eerie. Even Season of the Witch, much to it's credit, it had an interesting intro of a pumpkin coming to light on a computer. In this one, there's nothing creepy or scary. Ugh, I wonder who's the idiot who wrote this piece of…
(We see that the movie was written by Michael Jacobs, Dominique Othenin-Girard and Shem Bitterman)
Sean looks on in shock from seeing Michael Jacobs' name in the movie. "Michael Jacobs? The same Michael Jacobs that brought us Charles in Charge, My Two Dads, Dinosaurs, Boy Meets World and Girl Meets World? He wrote this piece of shit?"
"Uh, Sean. Wrong guy." Cami said.
"What?" Sean asked.
"It's a different Michael Jacobs." Cami said.
"A different Michael Jacobs? What did this Michael Jacobs work on?" Sean asked.
(The movie poster for the 1985 movie Certain Fury is shown)
"Oh, the guy who wrote the movie Certain Fury starring Academy Award winners Tatum O'Neal and Irene Cara. Heard that movie was absolute garbage. Let the Cinema Snob deal with that movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After we see the pumpkin getting carved, we get a recap of the last film where we see Jamie played by Danielle Harris, Rachel played by Ellie Cornell and Sheriff Ben Meeker played by Beau Starr.
"I just want to get the three returning characters out of the way before one of them get the axe." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyways, we all know what happens, Jamie touches her uncle's hand, Sheriff Meeker arrives with the cops and the lynch mob, she ducks down as Michael gets up and they pop him full of lead. Anyway, we see that he fell into a mine shaft and to make sure that he's dead, the state police happen to carry dynamite.
(A clip from Jermaine Jackson's Dynamite music video is shown)
(The mine explodes as Michael crawls out of a side tunnel and floats down the creek while the Halloween theme plays)
"No! No, turn that shit off!" Sean yelled out as the record scratches. "You're not worthy of the theme music for this scene. This is so idiotic and disgrace to everything that the last film ended on, it doesn't deserve that awesome Halloween theme. Can we play something else that's more appropriate for this scene?"
(Instead of the Halloween theme, the song "Proud Mary" by Ike and Tina Turner starts playing while Michael floats down the creek)
"That works." Sean said as he smiles.
Sean: (Narrating) So after Michael's finished rolling down the river, he finds riverside shack that an old mountain man, played by the late Harper Roisman, lives in and he tries to choke him out before passing out in his home.
"So let me get this straight, Michael Myers, in the span of these movies took a Rambo's worth of bullets, shot in both of his eyes, blown up and burnt to a crisp. But at the end of part four and the start of this movie he was shot to shit and floats into some cold water. Great job, movie. Great job. Way to make him a complete joke." Sean said.
(We see the caption "HALLOWEEN EVE One Year Later" on the screen)
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to a year later after the events of the fourth film, where we see Jamie Lloyd is at Haddonfield Children's Clinic undergoing some monitor-testing. We see that she's not doing so hot as she has a pretty nightmarish dream about stabbing her step-mother and that messed her up in the head.
"And this is where it gets stupid from this point on." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) It turns out that Michael made Jamie do it and not at her own evilness. Way to ruin the best horror finales of all time. Oh, yeah. Also, Jamie has a psychic link to her uncle because their movements mirror each other. Her hand twitches, which suddenly causes Michael to wake up and…
(We see a tattoo on Michael's wrist)
"Oh, don't worry. We'll talk about that tattoo when we get to Halloween 6 next year. Trust me." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So we see that Michael wakes up and… (We see Michael's face as he wakes up) What the fuck?!
"Why am I seeing Michael's face? We're not supposed to see his face. No, movie. That's a big no-no!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) So, Jamie plays a tense game a charades as she writes down "He's coming for me" on the chalkboard, because she's a mute. Just want to point that out. Michael puts on his mask and then he kills the old man. Also, Michael's mask looks horrible. Oh, yeah, Michael is now played by Don Shanks instead of George P. Wilbur. Anyway, this causes Jamie to have a seizure and have trouble breathing. So the doctors prep her for an emergency tracheotomy until Dr. Loomis, played for the fourth time by Donald Pleasence, interrupts the procedure.
Loomis (Played by Donald Pleasence): (Stops the procedure) No! No!
Dr. Hart (Played by Max Robinson): What are you doing?
Loomis: Leave her.
Dr. Hart: This girl is dying. I have to open her trachea, for God's sake.
Loomis: She will stabilize.
Dr. Hart: She's dying!
Loomis: No.
(Loomis and Dr. Hart see that Jamie stabilizes)
Loomis: You see?
Dr. Hart: I see you still want this girl dead.
"Just wait a few good years until Rob Zombie kills her in Halloween 2." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The next morning, we see that Jamie wakes up to her stepsister Rachel and we get a heartwarming moment between the two of them until…
Tina Williams (Played by Wendy Kaplan): Hey! Hey, open up!
(A clip from Friends is shown)
Monica Gellar-Bing (Played by Courteney Cox-Arquette): Son of a bitch!
Sean: (Narrating) Ladies and gentlemen, this is Tina played by Wendy Kaplan. And I have to say this about this character, I hate her. She's so fucking annoying and trust me, she's the most irritating, obnoxious, whiny, pretentious annoying bitch that you will ever see in this movie and your entire life.
"In the words of Christopher Titus when he described his psychotic ex-girlfriend, "She is an estrogen Molotov cocktail"!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Dr. Loomis enters the room to see what the hell is going here until a brick is thrown through Jamie's window with a message saying "The evil child must die!".
Rachel (Played by Ellie Cornell): How could they? When are they gonna realize that she is not him? She's just a child.
Loomis: They know that Michael Myers is her uncle and that she attacked her stepmother. That's why they fear her, especially on Halloween.
"Oh, Jamie attacked her stepmother. She didn't even kill her. She just attacked her and that she's alright. Oh, kiss my natural black ass, movie!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) We heard that woman scream bloody murder right when Jamie stabbed her. Then we hear nothing but silence until we saw Jamie covered head to toe in her blood. Jamie killed her!
"Really, Girard? You had to change things just to make your own shitty plot work. You're just going to ruin the movie. Hell, this is the same guy who brought us Omen IV: The Awakening, a movie that definitely killed the Omen franchise, so what can you expect?" Sean asked. "Not much."
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Rachel heads back home to take a shower while Michael plays stalker. Back with Jamie, her psychic senses are tingling when she starts to have another freak-out, sensing that Rachel and the dog Max are in danger, so Dr. Loomis calls Rachel to check up on her.
Loomis: Is Max all right?
Rachel: Max is having fun. He's been barking at a cat all morning.
Loomis: Go and check him.
Rachel: Well, why?
Loomis: Go and check him now!
"I'm not going to say it again, you stupid bitch." Sean said, imitating Dr. Loomis.
Sean: (Narrating) Rachel heads downstairs and sees that the back door is left open but she is too stupid to notice the sound of Michael's heavy breathing right behind her. God, how stupid are you?! First Brady, now this?! Plus, Michael was standing right behind her so she should've just turned around and seen the guy. But, I don't want to keep picking on her too much since Rachel's my favorite character alongside Laurie Strode, she does the smart thing by getting out of the house and call the cops.
(We see the two deputies, Deputy Nick Ross and Deputy Tom Farrah walk out of the house while goofy music start playing in the background)
Deputy Nick Ross (Played by Frank Como): All clear.
Deputy Tom Farrah (Played by David Ursin): Nothing above, nothing below.
"Comic relief in a Halloween movie. No, it's, I don't really… that's the way we wash our hands! Fa la la la la, la la la la!" Sean sang.
Sean: (Narrating) You cannot be serious, movie. Why does a Halloween film need comic relief? This is a horror film. Oh, these two Ranger Rick rejects are Deputies Nick Ross and Tom Farrah, played by Frank Como and David Ursin. Don't worry, we'll see these two idiots again later. And what's with that music?
(We hear that goofy music again)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, can we play some obvious music behind these morons?
(The Joker's theme from Batman: The Animated Series starts playing)
Sean: (Narrating) And to top it all off, they finish each other's sentences.
Deputy Nick Ross: Hey, it's what we're here for.
Deputy Tom Farrah: Rescue cats.
Deputy Nick Ross: Find dogs.
Deputy Tom Farrah: That's our job.
Deputy Nick Ross: And we love it.
"God, you guys are just like the couple that finish each other's sentences from The Odd Life of Timothy Green. Can we just move on, please?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Rachel is going to alright. The movie's just messing with us. It was all false tension. Besides, Ellie Cornell's got top-billing in this movie right next to Donald Pleasence and Danielle Harris. Hell, in the last film she had top-billing over Danielle Harris.
"Look, I know that this movie is bad but it's not like they're going to kill her off this early in the movie. If they did that, then I would be very livid." Sean said.
Rachel: (Sees Michael) No!
(Michael stabs Rachel in the chest with a pair of scissors as Rachel screams)
"SON OF A BITCH!" Sean screamed out.
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, despite Rachel being oblivious, Rachel was a pretty good character. She was sweet and often naïve and she was strong and cool. She reminded me of Laurie Strode, which makes her an awesome character. And what happens to her, she get's Boba Fetted earlier in the movie. Ellie Cornell was disappointed to learn that her character was going to be killed off earlier in the movie. Also, on her death scene, originally Michael was going to kill Rachel by shoving a pair of scissors down her throat but Cornell thought that it would be too gruesome and she requested the writer's to change it.
"But hey, if I found out that I was going to get killed off earlier in a movie, I'd be pissed!" Sean exclaimed.
Then all of a sudden, Sean gets shot in the heart with a crossbow then dies.
(We see a caption on the screen saying "Executive Producer BRIAN RUNYON" as Tears for Fears' Everybody Wants to Rule the World starts playing)
Sean: (Narrating) After Rachel gets the axe and Jamie starts spazzing out, we cut to Dr. Loomis talking to Sheriff Meeker and refreshes him on who Michael Myers. And this is where they make Dr. Loomis an asshole.
"Oh, you think I'm joking? I'm dead serious. He pulls the biggest cheap shot to get Sheriff Meeker into action.
Loomis: How many people did he kill last year? Have you forgotten your own daughter?
Sheriff Ben Meeker (Played by Beau Starr): I don't—
Loomis: No, of course you don't forget!
"What the fuck? Why would Dr. Loomis even bring that up? I mean, that is a new low. A new fucking low for Loomis. That's really out of character right there. Remember back in Halloween II how sad he looked when Sheriff Brackett had to identify his own daughter's body? Let's show the clip, shall we?" Sean said as the clip starts.
(A clip from Halloween II is shown)
Leigh Brackett (Played by Charles Cyphers): (Glares at Loomis) Damn you!
Sam Loomis (Played by the late Donald Pleasence): I'm sorry.
Leigh Brackett: What have you done?!
Sam Loomis: I haven't done anything.
Leigh Brackett: You let him out!
Sam Loomis: (As Sheriff Brackett leaves angrily) I didn't let him out, I gave orders for him to be restrained.
"Or what about the regard he has for human life in the last film." Sean said.
(A clip from Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers is shown)
Dr. Sam Loomis: If you want another victim take me, but leave those people in peace.
"And now he's at the point where he goes "Ah, fuck it. Let me bring up the Sheriff's murdered daughter just to piss him off.". And if you think that he's not going to be like that in the movie, trust me he's like that throughout the movie. Let's see another scene where he's badgering Jamie." Sean said.
Loomis: (To Jamie) You sense something, don't you?
(Jamie tries to say something, straining)
Loomis: Tell me. Tell me what you know. (Hand Jamie the pen and paper) Here, write, write, write! Write what you know. Jamie, please! Please?
"Hey, this is the only Halloween movie where Loomis is an asshole. Donald Pleasence still does the best he can with this character. His character doesn't do anything in this movie and trust me he does something at the end of the movie and we'll get to that steaming pile of assness later. Look, on the DVD Halloween: 25 Years of Terror, Donald Pleasence is shown in an old interview saying that he hated what they did with his character and he was absolutely right. We know who to blame, right?" Sean asked.
(A photo of Dominique Othenin-Girard is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, fuck you! Let's move on. So after he pisses off Sheriff Meeker, Loomis, who I will be calling him that throughout the review out of respect for Donald Pleasence, delivers this awesome monologue.
Loomis: My memory goes back 12 years, to the night when I offered my- I'm gonna show you- show you something. Look, look. Look at this. (Takes off his glove and shows him his scarred hand) Look at that. I prayed that he would burn in hell, but in my heart I knew that hell would not have him.
"Okay, that was awesome. Donald Pleasence always delivers the best monologues." Sean said. "But that still doesn't change the fact that they made his character into a fucking asshole!"
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to Tina...
"Ugh." Sean rolled his eyes in disgust.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, kill of my favorite character to make room for this character that I hate to be the hero. She heads down to Rachel's place but she can't seem to find Rachel anywhere. Hmm, maybe because the fucking screenwriting bastards killed her!
(Tina closes the door)
Samantha Thomas (Played by Tamara Glynn): (Scares Tina) Boo!
(Both Tina and Sam scream, then Sam laughs)
"Aaah! It's two of them!" Sean screamed as he pulls out his AMT Hardballer .45 ACP pistol.
Sean: (Narrating) This "Hellooooooo Nurse" smoking hot blonde is named Samantha, played by Tamara Glynn. She's here to meet up with Tina and Rachel to go to that big Halloween party, but with Rachel out of commission, they figure that she went up to the country with her parents. Oh, well. It's either that or...
(Michael is standing in front of the window as he sees Tina and Samantha. Tina turns around and doesn't see anything in the house)
"How come it feels like somebody's watching me?" Sean sings before speaking. "Because he wants to choke you to death! Oh oh oh!"
Sean: (Narrating) Also, really Tina? You couldn't clearly see him sneaking off to the side very badly? Geez, he ain't Solid Snake. Anyway, we have more matters to discuss when Samantha and Tina talk about their boyfriends Spitz and Michael.
Tina Williams: Michael?
Mikey (Played by Jonathan Chapin) What?!
"Okay, that's how I'm going to answer my girlfriend for now on." Sean said.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
Taylor: Sean?
(We see Sean in his 2011 Ford Explorer)
Sean: What?!
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) Michael or Mikey, to make things easier for you, is played by Jonathan Chapin. Mikey here is Tina's boyfriend who wears the Fonz's leather jacket and looks like one of the Greasers from The Outsiders.
Samantha Thomas: Tina, I thought you wanted to see Jamie.
Mikey: Look, you're killing me, babe, okay? Would you just get in?
"Okay, this dude is a mix between the Fonz from Happy Days and Dallas Winston from The Outsiders." Sean said as a picture of Fonzie and Matt Dillon as Dallas Winston is shown.
Sean: (V/O as Mikey) I'm gonna do it for Johnny. We'll do it for Johnny. Ayyyyyy!
"Also, I would like to point out that Tamara Glynn is smoking hot." Sean said as a photo of Tamara Glynn as Samantha is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) But enough about Tina and her friends, we cut back to Jamie, who is being tormented by her uncle. You know, it's too early to kill her off in the movie. Just give her one more movie to die. But her stalkers turns out to be the hospital staff who are worried about her. And then, we see Loomis badgering Jamie some more by lashing out at her.
Loomis: We both know he's alive, (Yells) but you know where he is! Why? Why are you protecting him? Why- What about your stepmother, Jamie? You love her, don't you? He made you stab her.
(Jamie cries)
Loomis: You can't hide from him. He'll always get to you. Jamie, Jamie, listen. Today, in the cemetery, somebody dug up a coffin. It was the coffin of a nine-year-old girl. What do you think he's going to do with that?!
"Dude, are you nuts?! You don't lash out at her! Don't you see that she's scared shitless of you? Just leave her alone." Sean said.
Nurse Patsey (Played by Betty Carvalho): Dr. Loomis, leave the little girl alone.
"Thank you. At least someone agrees with me." Sean said.
Loomis: There's a reason why he has this power over you. Did you ever wonder what it is?
"The psychic girl cliche. Come on, A Nightmare on Elm Street and Friday the 13th both did the same shit. You're just trying to be like them." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We see this bus stopping in Haddonfield, where we see this Man in Black arriving in town.
"Wait, a man in black? Are you sure that isn't Creighton Duke from Jason Goes to Hell?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Loomis heads down to the old Myers house, which doesn't look like the house from the original Halloween film. He checks out the inside but he's not alone, we that the Man in Black is sneaking in the shadows with the same tattoo that Michael has on his wrist.
"Oh, I would like to point out that the Thorn symbol represents the Cult of Thorn. Don't ask about that because it wasn't actually hammered out until Halloween 6. That guy is just around to do some spooky shit because the writers didn't even explain it and they didn't even know what it was. Here's the thing, a little screenwriting tip, uh DO SOME FUCKING RESEARCH ON WHAT THE FUCKING SYMBOL REPRESENTS BEFORE WRITING THE FUCKING SCRIPT, YOU FUCKING MORONS!" Sean yelled.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Loomis heads down into the basement and checks out the laundry chute, which will be important later on in the film. He checks it out only to find...
(Loomis opens the laundry chute as a dead opossum falls out, scaring Loomis for a bit before he laughs)
"Oh, ho ho. Nothing brings me more joy than a silly jumpscare." Sean laughs, imitating Dr. Loomis.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Tina, Samantha and Mikey, they head down to the store to meet up with Samantha's boy toy Spitz, played by Matthew Walker. Oh, joy. More annoying characters that I want dead, except for Samantha. Let her live. Anyway, they acquire a few cases of beer for the party.
Spitz (Played by Matthew Walker): (Touches Mikey's car) Oh, Mike. Nice wax job.
Mikey: (Grabs Spitz's face) Touch the car again and you're dead. Okay?
Spitz: Okay. Thank you.
"That's how I feel when someone touches my PS4." Sean said.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(Dave enters the living room and sees Sean playing Call of Duty: Modern Warfare on his PS4)
Dave: Wow, Sean. Awesome game. (Tries to grab Sean's controller) Mind if I play?
Sean: (Pulls out his pistol) You want to live forever?
Dave: Nevermind.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) Mikey heads to the back of the store to get the cases of beer until he has a run-in with Michael, who ends up scratching his car with a garden claw.
Mikey: Okay, asshole. You wanna play?
"You know, I just realized something. This is the same guy who played Jimmy Montrose in John Hughes' Sixteen Candles." Sean said.
(A clip from Sixteen Candles is shown)
Jimmy Montrose (Played by Jonathan Chapin): (To the Geek) She's totally serious, asswipe!
"Hey, if Jimmy Montrose can take out the Geek, then he can take on Michael Myers." Sean said.
Mikey: Trick or tr—
(Michael grabs Mikey by his throat as he starts choking)
Sean: (V/O as Mikey) Motherfu... (Makes a choking noise)
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Michael kills Mikey my stabbing him in the head with a garden claw after Mikey tries to make his bad-ass line. We cut back to the Children's Clinic where a costume pageant is being held. Jamie is dressed as a pink princess with a tiara.
(A clip from Sea of Love is shown)
Det. Frank Keller (Played by Al Pacino): Kiss my tiara, bitch.
Billy Hill (Played by Jeffrey Landman): (Stuttering) These are for you.
(He hands Jamie the bouquet of flowers)
Nurse Patsey: Ooh, aren't they beautiful? Huh? We'll have to put them in water.
(Billy then takes off his charm bracelet and puts it on Jamie's wrist)
Billy Hill: (Stuttering) It's good luck.
(A clip from Goodfellas is shown)
Tommy DeVito (Played by Joe Pesci): You know Spider, you're a fuckin' mumbling stuttering little prick. You know that?
"I stutter some but not as much as this kid." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) While all that is going down, we see Tina gets picked up to go to the party by Michael, who's wearing Mikey's mask and Jamie senses Tina's impending doom. Maybe that or she's sensing that Michael is getting very annoyed by her.
Tina Williams: I want you to know I just love barbaric men./Michael, don't I even get a kiss. (Laughs) Well, I can't resist your new look.
(Tina kisses Michael)
Tina Williams: It feels creepy.
"Right. Will you excuse me for a moment, I have to step out for a moment before I end up breaking something in pure rage." Sean said as he gets up from off of his couch and leaves the house.
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, sweet Jesus tap dancing Christ. Michael cannot come back from that. I think he lost all dignity because that bitch Tina kissed him! I lost all hope for Michael. Can we go back to Jamie and Billy instead of spending 90 minutes with these fucking idiots? Danielle Harris and Billy's portrayer Jeffrey Landman are good. Hell, Danielle Harris is good in anything, especially The Last Boy Scout. She's got top-billing in this film but they end up pushing her aside to focus on Tina and those idiotic friends.
"You know, what if the movie was better?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Now, here me out. Here's what I would've done with Halloween 5. Here's the basic premise: they should've continued with Jamie's story. I could've began the movie with Jamie's in the Children's Clinic and let it be about her and Dr. Loomis' relationship. Jamie's not a mute and not psychic but have a bit of elements from the first film. Michael Myers comes back and he goes after her. Rachel is still alive and she's dating a doctor who works with Dr. Loomis and Jamie is his patient. Billy stutters a little but not too much. Have the movie taking place in 1991. Have that slow burn tension by adding some elements from the original Halloween, building up to Michael coming back. Don't use the mask that they use in Halloween 5 but use the mask from Halloween 4. Kill off Tina early so we won't have to deal with her whiny ass. Get rid of that stupid Thorn tattoo and the Man in Black, have the Haddonfield police be the serious cops in the movie, Samantha dating a friend of Rachel's doctor boyfriend. Then, you have the climax at the Children's Clinic with Michael going after Jamie and her friend Billy, Rachel lives but gets stabbed in the shoulder by Michael, Michael injures Dr. Loomis and the Haddonfield police arrest Michael, then take him to the sanitarium and finally Jamie, Rachel and Rachel's boyfriend leave Haddonfield and live their happy lives together.
"There! I fixed the movie! That's my new take on Halloween 5 if it was decent. But no. All we got was a shit show of idiocracy, leading to stupid shit like The Curse of Michael Myers, Halloween H20 even though I loved that movie and the one with Busta "Trick or Treat Motherfucker" Rhymes. What are your thoughts with my direction on H5? What do you think? What would you have done? I would love to hear your thoughts." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jamie starts freaking out and tries to say the location where Tina's at, so she sorta starts talking. Well, so much for her being a mute. You can throw that out of the window.
(A clip from Ghostbusters II is shown)
Dr. Egon Spengler (Played by the late Harold Ramis): Short but pointless.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Billy played by Jeffrey Landman, does his best to translate it for her.
Jamie (Played by Danielle Harris): St- ore!
Billy Hill: Store!
Loomis: Store.
(We cut to Tina, where's she's at a store with a sign advertising giant cookies)
Loomis: What kind of store? What do they sell there?
Jamie: (Struggling) All-nighter.
Billy Hill: All-nighter.
Jamie: (Straining) No.
Loomis: Yes? What do they- what do they sell?
Jamie: Big...
Billy Hill: Big...
Jamie: Wom—
Billy Hill: Woman.
Loomis: A big woman? A big woman who works- works in the store, eh?
Jamie: No!
"No, not a big woman. A woman with giant cookies for tits." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The cops arrive at the gas station where Tina's at and they pick her up as Michael drives away. Oh, God. How dumb are the cops in Haddonfield? He was right in front of them the whole time. God, this movie is giving me a headache. Let's move on. Tina goes to Tina at the hospital to talk to her. Oh, good. Let's see what kind of nuggets of wisdom that Tina has to bring to the table.
Tina Williams: (To Jamie) You might not understand, but- (sighs) When you're older, there are people you're gonna meet who make you feel, like, connected, like your heart is made of neon. And when you find them, you have to be with them.
Jamie: But he was with you.
Tina Williams: Who?
Jamie: The bogeyman.
Tina Williams: Oh, yeah, that's one way of describing him. (Kisses Jamie's forehead and gets ready to leave)
Jamie: Tina, no!
Tina Williams: Honey, I will come back later tonight and I will sleep with you right here.
Jamie: Tina!
Tina Williams: I'll be back. I love you.
Jamie: (Screaming and crying) Tina!
"Wha... wha...wha... wha... WHAT?!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) You can't be serious? This little girl is freaking out and is trying to keep you safe from her psychopathic uncle but she's less important to you so you decide to go to the party to hang out with your dumbass friends.
"Have I mentioned that I want to choke to life out of you?" Sean asked. "Look, I want an explanation from you. Give me an explanation to why you're in this movie."
(A clip from Wendy Kaplan's interview from the making of 'Halloween 5' special feature is shown)
Wendy Kaplan: I really loved the character. Not like someone that you would pop up in every movie, especially it's sort of really different from the genre I felt like. So the bad girl part of me it was fun to be able to express that.
"Look, no hate on Wendy Kaplan. She's a great actress and I know that she loved playing that character but Jesus, the character is unlikeable. Titus, take it over for me." Sean said.
(A clip from Christopher Titus' stand-up is shown)
Christopher Titus: You are an estrogen molotov cocktail!
Sean: (Narrating) So after we see Tina being selfish and not care about this kid, this fucking bitch has the nerve. She has the fucking audacity to bitch out Dr. Loomis.
Loomis: Tina, please.
Tina Williams: Stay away, okay? You know, you're really creepy, filling that little girl with all that bogeyman crap.
Loomis: I believe that you're in danger. Jamie believes it, too
.
Tina Williams: Jamie's a nine-year-old girl.
Loomis: Be sensible.
Tina Williams: (Laughs) I'm never sensible if I can't help it. Hee hee hee!
"Oh, really? Because I really think that you're fucked in the head." Sean said.
Loomis: (To Deputies Ross and Farrah) For God's sake, stop her.
(Bulk and Skull's theme from Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers starts playing)
Deputy Tom Farrah: Oh whose orders?
Deputy Nick Ross: She hasn't done anything wrong.
Loomis: Follow her, then. At least you can do that. If that girl dies tonight- -
Deputy Nick Ross: All right, all right. For you, Doc, anything.
"Oh yeah. Send the bumbling idiots out there to follow Tina. You Loomis, you're not that very bright. You just signed their death warrants... which is a good thing." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Being the only person who doesn't want Tina to die, Jamie manages to escape the facility with Billy's help as he knows where she's at so they head down to the Tower Farm. Really? A couple of nine-year-olds got past security in a children's clinic. How fucking stupid is security?! So anyway, we cut to the Tower Farm Halloween party where we see Tina and her friends Samantha and Spitz having some fun while the two rent-a-cops are keeping an eye out.
(Michael drives past Deputies Ross and Farrah's police car)
Deputy Nick Ross: What do you think?
Deputy Tom Farrah: Well, orders are orders. That look like a life-threatening situation to you?
Deputy Nick Ross: Nah. Play Crazy Eights?
"Oh, God. You're making Chief Wiggum and the Springfield Police look bad." Sean said.
(A clip from The Simpsons is shown)
(Homer drives past Chief Wiggum's police cruiser while Lou sees how fast he was going)
Chief Wiggum (Voiced by Hank Azaria): Let him go, Lou. Someone going that fast has no time for a ticket.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Michael is busy stalking some teens. And then we're treated to...
(Samantha runs out screaming as Deputy Ross and Deputy Farrah get out of the car to see Michael Myers getting ready to kill Tina as they point their guns at him)
Tina Williams: Take me, but spare my friend! She's a virgin.
Spitz: (Dressed as Michael Myers) Got her phone number?
"Oh, joy. A fake-out. And trust me, there's four fake-outs that fill up the whole movie. This is fake-out #1." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We get fake-outs #2 and #3, which involves a kitten popping out and scaring Tina and Spitz pulling a prank on Tina by dropping hay on her. Until Sam is attacked by Michael.
Samantha Thomas: Oh, my God! (Screams)
(Michael attacks her, but he stabs the hay. It's not Michael, it's revealed to be Spitz)
Samantha Thomas: You son of a bitch! You scared me half to death!
"Okay, you know what... one more fake-out and I swear Michael Myers isn't going to be the only doing all the killing around here." Sean said as he picks up his pistol.
Sean: (Narrating) After that fake-out, Spitz and Samantha decided to get a little freaky with each other because this is a slasher movie in the 80s, you gotta have some horny teens boffing each. And what do you know, Spitz brought a condom with him. We have a responsible teens practicing safe sex. Thank you for that important PSA, movie. So, while Spitz and Samantha are having sex, Michael decides to interrupt their private time.
(Michael stabs and kills Spitz with the pitchfork as Sam screams)
"Hey, he got off before he got off. Damn, he lasted for about 30 seconds. You know, I didn't know that we were going to make it to the climax of the film that quickly. I can do this all goddamn day." Sean said as the audience boos at him from his bad sex jokes.
Sean: (Narrating) And now, it's time for Samantha to meet her angel of death.
Sean: (V/O as Michael Myers) Samantha Thomas, your angel of death awaits.
(Michael kills Samantha with a scythe)
Sean: (Narrating) And now, only one dumbass remains as Tina goes back into the barn to find Sam and Spitz, but instead finds their dead bodies as well as the dead bodies of the two dead comic relief cops, thank Christ. And Michael tries to play a little game of Grand Theft Auto V on Tina's ass while trying to run her over until Jamie and Billy arrives and he decides to go after the two of them.
(Billy tries to run away)
Tina Williams: Billy!
Billy Hill: No!
(Billy gets hit by Michael)
Jamie: Billy! No!
"Ha!, Screw you, Billy!" Sean shouted, imitating Jacksepticeye.
Sean: (Narrating) Michael goes after Jamie but she ends up gaining super speed because that idiot couldn't catch up to her in a car. He ends up crashing the car into a tree and he gets out. Right when he has Jamie cornered, Tina shows up from out of nowhere to save her, and then...
(Tina tries to fight off Michael, but she ends up getting fatally stabbed by him)
"YES! Play some happy music." Sean said.
(Tiny Tim's Living in the Sunlight starts playing as Michael stabs Tina)
Sean sighs in relief. "Oh, I can watch that scene on a loop. Play it again! Play it again!"
(We see Michael stabbing Tina fatally once more)
We cut back to Sean, who's seen jumping in joy from Tina's death scene.
Sean: (Narrating) Loomis and Sheriff Meeker somehow find Jamie and Billy and somehow he got him involved, Also, Michael disappears somehow. But we do have confirmation that Tina is truly, positively, stone cold dead.
(We see Tina's corpse being taken away while Living in the Sunlight starts playing)
Jamie: (Cries as she sees Tina's corpse) Tina! Tina! Tina.
(A clip from Seinfeld is shown)
Jerry Seinfeld: You know, it's so nice when it happens good.
Loomis: Now are you willing to help me?
Jamie: Can you kill him?
Loomis: I think so.
Sheriff Meeker: Now wait a minute, Loomis.
Loomis: There isn't a minute to wait.
Jamie: What do you want me to do?
"Well, here's what you can do. Star in the Steven Segal movie Marked For Death, play Bruce Willis' foul-mouthed daughter in The Last Boy Scout, guest star in a couple of episodes of Roseanne, switch bodies with Katherine Heigl in Wish Upon a Star and voice Debbie Thornberry in The Wild Thornberrys. The list goes on." Sean said, mentioning Danielle Harris' acting credits.
Sean: (Narrating) And then we get another awesome monologue from Loomis.
Loomis: Michael. It will destroy you, too, one day, Michael. This rage which drives you. You think if you kill them all, it will go away? It won't. You have to fight it in the place where it's strongest. Where it all began. If you want to get rid of this rage, Michael, go home. Go home! Go to your house, I shall be there waiting for you. You'll find her waiting for you.
Sean: (Narrating) Back at the Myers house, Jamie is set up as bait for Michael while several cops who are armed to the teeth prepare for Michael's arrival. Then all of a sudden, Jamie starts to sense that Billy's in danger, so the entire police force head down to the clinic, leaving Loomis and Deputy Charlie Bloch played by Troy Evans, alone. Loomis locks himself, Jamie and Deputy Charlie inside the room until he's informed by...
Eddy (Played by Fenton Quinn): Charlie, can you read me?
"Uh, Gary Busey? He's informed by Gary Busey?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) A police cruiser arrives, but it turns out to be Michael, who kills the shit out the poor guy. He then enters the house, well, you know what I'm just going to call it Hotel Transylvania because that does not look like the Myers house. And he ends up confronting Loomis, who tries to reason with him.
Loomis: Let me take you. Let me take you to her. She'll take your rage away. Michael, you'll be better then. You don't need- -
Sean: (V/O as Michael Myers) Well, now that you think about it, maybe I'll...
(Michael slashes Loomis across his abdomen)
Sean: (V/O as Michael) Psyche! Fuck you, old man!
(Michael throws Loomis through the banister in a frenzy)
Sean: (Narrating) Deputy Charlie breaks the window and helps Jamie tries to escape but the nice deputy ends up getting killed by Michael because he doesn't like nice people. So, Jamie being the awesome character that she is, hides in the laundry chute but she ends up making too much noise. Michael heads down to the basement and finds her but she ends up escaping into the attic, where she finds the bodies of her dog Max, Mikey and...
(Jamie screams as she sees Rachel's corpse)
Jamie: (Screams) No! Rachel, no!
"Goddamn it. Why, movie? Why?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Jamie gets in the coffin. Yeah, not a good place to hide from your psychotic uncle. And when Michael arrives, she drops the "U-bomb" on him right when he's ready to kill her.
Jamie: Uncle? Bogeyman?
(Michael stops and doesn't kill Jamie)
Jamie: Let me see.
(Michael takes off his mask, revealing himself to Jamie)
Jamie: You're just like me.
(Michael starts crying)
"Oh, blow me, movie! You know, I can take making Jamie a mute for most of the movie, I can take Loomis acting like a complete asshole, I can even take Rachel getting killed off before the half hour mark. But I cannot take the human embodiment of all evil crying just for being called "uncle". This is demeaning and out of character! But if you think I can take Michael crying, then you are high!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) But Michael snaps the fuck out after realizing how ridiculous this is and goes berserk. You know, for a guy who was burned alive in an inferno, he looks like he's in pretty good shape. Michael puts his mask back on and tries to kill Jamie until, you know what I'm too pissed off about this movie, just watch.
Loomis: (Picks up Jamie) You want her?
Jamie: No!
Loomis: Here she is! Here's your nice little girl.
Jamie: No! No! No! No, no, no!
Loomis: Come and get her!
Jamie: Please, no!
Sean stays silent for a bit with a look of shock on his face. "What the hell, Loomis?!"
Sean: (Narrating) What has this stupid movie done to Loomis? He went from being a great man who would sacrifice his own life for anyone to an insane man holding a child hostage just to lure a killer!
"Goddamn this movie! They ruined Loomis! Fuck you, movie! FUCK YOU!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) But hey, it was all a plan to trap Michael. So, he drops a metal net over him and shoots him with a tranquilizer gun. Geez, did Loomis turn into Dwight Schrute from The Office?
(A clip from The Office is shown)
Stanley Hudson (Played by Leslie David Baker): (After Dwight shoots him with a bull tranquilizer) No you didn't. Sick of you and your...
(Dwight shoots Stanley two more times with the bull tranquilizer until he goes down)
Sean: (Narrating) And if that doesn't work, maybe try beating him with a 2x4 to bring him down)
(Loomis beat Michael with a wooden plank)
Loomis: Die! Die! Die! Die!
"Die! Die! I'm gonna keep hitting you until I break your nose! Die! Die!" Sean said while imitating Dr. Loomis.
Sean: (Narrating) No, I'm not joking. Donald Pleasence accidentally broke Don Shanks' nose with a 2x4 during filming.
Loomis: (Beats Michael) Die! Die! D—
(Loomis collapses on top of Michael and makes a groaning noise)
"What the? Was Loomis making a moaning sound after he landed on top of Michael. Don't tell me that this is a start of a Halloween porn parody." Sean said, making a face.
Sean: (Narrating) No, actually Loomis suffers a stroke after beating Michael until the police arrive to arrest him.
Sheriff Meeker: The National Guard will take him to a maximum security facility where he'll stay till the day he dies.
Jamie: He'll never die.
"She's right, you know. He gets his head cut off in Halloween H20 and comes back in Halloween: Resurrection." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And just when you think that this madness is all over, Creighton Duke arrives at the police station and shoots up the place and bust Michael out. Jamie goes back inside to find all the cops, including Sheriff Meeker dead and only to see that Michael is gone.
Jamie: (Sees that Michael is gone) No. No!
"And that was Halloween 5 and… wow, this movie is horrible." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, let's do the good parts first: Donald Pleasence and Danielle Harris are terrific as always. Here's the bad: the new characters are annoying as hell, Michael is a joke, old character are dumped on, there's no horror, no revenge as the title suggests and the plot doesn't make sense. The movie is a piece of garbage from start to finish. It was one of the worst films that I had to sit through and review. Hell, it's bad enough that we had to wait six years for a new Halloween movie to come out.
(A poster for Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Guess I'll have to wait six years to review this movie. Hell, guess I'll wait six months to review The Curse of Michael Myers. Jesus. Anyway, Halloween 5 gets 2 hits to the nose with a wooden plank out of 5.
"Thank God. And that wraps up another Halloween Havoc. So next week, probably makes sense to review something different. Maybe travel where no man has gone before to review this movie. I gotta make sure that I'm not wearing red for this review because people who wear the color red end up dying and I want to live." Sean said, dropping hints for the next review.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- I'm never sensible if I can't help it. Hee hee hee!
And this wraps it up for The Mayhem Critic's Halloween Havoc. Which movie review did you enjoy for this year's Halloween Havoc? Was it Psycho III, Child's Play, Scream, Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers or Halloween 5? Next time, Sean review the movie Star Trek: The Motion Picture a.k.a. Star Trek: The Slow Motion Picture for the movie's 40th anniversary. This is where another original character is introduced. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. If you want to co-review with me on any movies, feel free to message me. Also, I will be working on my first Coop and Cami fanfic involving Cami and Charlotte called Would You Wrather Watch Your Sister?. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.