The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. When we last left off, Sean the Mayhem Critic ended Halloween Havoc on a high note, well on a low note when he reviewed the worst Halloween sequel in the Halloween franchise, Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers. Today, Sean moves away from Halloween Havoc and dives right in to a beloved franchise when he takes a look at Star Trek: The Motion Picture, also known as Star Trek: The Slow Motion Picture. So sit back, relax and enjoy the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Star Trek: The Motion Picture is owned by Paramount Pictures.
(The Star Trek opening theme by James Horner plays while the starship Enterprise-A is flying around space. Sean parodies the famous opening quote)
Sean: (Imitating Captain James T. Kirk) Movies: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Mayhem. It's continuing mission: to explore strange old movies, to seek out bad acting and review these abominations, to boldly go where no critic has gone before.
(The Star Trek II theme music plays over the credits. In the credits, we see a font style similar to the one in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan)
THE
MAYHEM CRITIC
Episode Seventy-Four
STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE
Starring
SEAN J. ARCHER
CAMERON ARCHER
TAYLOR ADDISON
BRIAN RUNYON
DAVE BRADSHAW
Special Guest Star
CALEB THE SCI-FI GEEK
We see our favorite residential critic Sean J. Archer a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic beaming into his couch. He is seen wearing a Starfleet uniform, the redesigned Starfleet uniform from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.
"Whew. I've always hate going through the teleporter. Alright, note to self: use the shuttlecraft next time. I don't want my molecules scrambled." Sean said before looking at the camera to start his introduction. "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. Today, we're going to talk about Star Trek: The Motion Picture."
(The title screen of the movie is shown while clips from the film are shown while the theme music plays. Then, clips from Star Trek: The Original Series, Star Trek: TNG, Star Trek: DS9, Star Trek: Voyager and Star Trek: Enterprise are shown as well)
Sean: (Narrating) Yes, my friends. This is the film that launched an incredibly long-running film franchise that is still active today. And I just want to say this when they do Star Trek 4, don't let Quentin Tarantino ruin the franchise. Hey, I'm a big fan of Star Trek, okay, well I'm a casual Star Trek fan. Yes, I watch the movies, I watched the original series, I'm a big fan of Star Trek: The Next Generation and Star Trek: Deep Space Nine is the one I like the most, I watched a couple of episodes of Star Trek: Voyager mostly because Seven of Nine was on the show and Jeri Ryan was smoking hot as Seven of Nine, I haven't got around to watch Star Trek: Enterprise but I will get around to watching it.
(Clips from Star Trek: Discovery is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Heck, I haven't even watched Star Trek: Discovery yet. Well, mostly I just read that a character dropped an F-bomb on the show.
Sylvia Tilly (Played by Mary Wiseman): (Laughing) You guys, this is so fucking cool.
"Yeah, not a right time to use one of the colorful metaphors. Now, before I talk about Star Trek: The Motion Picture, let's talk about the show that started it all. Star Trek: The Original Series." Sean said.
(Clips from Star Trek: The Original Series is shown while the theme music starts playing)
Sean: (Narrating) Star Trek was a science-fiction television series created by the late Gene Roddenberry. The show stars William Shatner as Captain James T. Kirk, Leonard Nimoy as First Officer and Science Officer Spock and DeForest Kelley as Chief Medical Officer Leonard "Bones" McCoy. The show ran for three seasons on NBC from 1966 to 1969. It's the 23rd century and the crew of the starship Enterprise have embarked on a five-year mission to explore strange new world, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where… okay, you know the whole deal. Sadly, we never got to see the end of their five-year mission because the series was cancelled after three seasons due to declining ratings.
"Yeah, season three was a weird season. Don't believe me? Check out the episode Spock's Brain, you'll see why. Hell, if you have the show on DVD or if you have Netflix, check it out. I know that there are some people who have seen Spock's Brain will understand, and some who doesn't… yeah." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Years later after the show's cancellation, the series became a hit in broadcast syndication and it achieved a cult status with the fans throughout the 1970s, this convinced Paramount Pictures that there was still life in the series and they offered Roddenberry to turn Star Trek into a motion picture. Here's how it went down.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
Sean: (as Gene Roddenberry) Okay, I have something for you all. You're definitely going to enjoy this one.
Brian: (as Paramount Executive) Alright, Gene. What do you have for us? We would love to hear about it.
Sean: Alright. You're gonna love it. Here's the script. (Sits the script on the Paramount Executive's desk)
(Brian starts reading the script)
Brian: Uh, Gene. What do you call this one?
Sean: I call it The God Thing.
Brian: The God Thing?
Sean: Yes. It's about Admiral Kirk assembling his old crew on the refitted Enterprise and they go up against a godlike entity that's heading towards Earth.
Taylor: (as Paramount Executive #2) I'm sorry, Gene. We're gonna have to reject it.
Sean: But, what about…?
Taylor: Sorry. The first draft of your script isn't working.
Sean: Why?
Brian: We're not going to make a Star Trek movie. Instead, we're going to make a new Star Trek TV series.
Sean: A new Star Trek TV series?
Taylor: That is correct, Gene. We spoke with a couple of writers but we're just gonna reject them. So, we're going to go back to making a Star Trek movie and we're gonna call it Star Trek: Planet of the Titans.
Brian: Okay, let's approve the script. Matter of fact, let's reject it and keep it on the shelf.
(Dave enters)
Dave: (as Barry Diller) Gene, Gene. I think it's time for you to take the franchise back to it's roots.
Sean: What do you mean, Barry?
Dave: We're starting our new network Paramount Television Services. That would be the home for the new Star Trek series.
Sean: That sounds like a great idea. How about I call it Star Trek: Phase II? And I want to bring many of the production staff from the original series to work on the show.
Brian: Really, Gene? We talked about the movie.
Dave: Screw that. We're doing the television show. We'll get the original cast but Leonard won's return as Spock.
Sean: Okay, how about I create a new Vulcan character?
Dave: Not gonna work.
Sean: Okay, I created two other characters Commander William Decker and Ilia. I'm calling this one "In Thy Image". It's about a NASA probe returning to Earth and it gains sentience.
(Adam enters)
Adam: (as Alan Dean Foster) Guys, I wrote a treatment for the pilot.
(Oliver enters)
Oliver: (as Harold Livingston): And I turned it into a treatment.
Adam: And we presented it to Michael Eisner.
(Cami enters)
Cami: (as Paramount Executive #3) Guys, guys, guys! Read the paper. You have got to see this.
(Sean, Brian, Taylor, Adam, Dave and Oliver read the paper)
Dave: What's this?
Brian: What is this Star Wars?
Sean: Okay, screw the television show and the television network! Let's get on with the movie and make that Star Wars money, bitches!
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) So, the studio began production on Star Trek: The Motion Picture based on the script that would have been the pilot episode for Star Trek: Phase II In Thy Image. After all that mess and a production that went behind schedule and over budget and barely made it's release date, the movie hit theaters on December 7, 1979.
"So, for it's 40th anniversary, I'm going to review the movie for you. So, without further ado, let's begin this review. This is Star Trek: The Motion Picture." Sean said.
(The movie starts with a three-minute overture with music by Jerry Goldsmith playing)
Sean: (Narrating) The movie starts with Star Trek… Into Darkness? Uh, why am I looking at a black screen? I thought I was watching the movie. Look, I love Jerry Goldsmith's music score but geez. Can we start this movie already. Who do you think you are 2001: A Space Odyssey? So, after that three minute overture, we get our opening credits with the white text on black background and we have that classic theme by the late Jerry Goldsmith, that's an excellent thing about the movie. We see that the story was written by science fiction writer Alan Dean Foster, who's known for writing the Star Wars novel Splinter of the Mind's Eye. The film was directed by the late Robert Wise, who's known for directing the movies The Sand Pebbles, The Day the Earth Stood Still, The Haunting, The Andromeda Strain, The Hindenburg and two of my favorite musicals West Side Story and The Sound of Music.
"Well, this movie's off to a great start. You have one of the greatest directors in Hollywood directing a Star Trek movie." Sean said. "But this is an odd numbered Star Trek movie and that one is going to suck and you'll see why this movie is called "The Slow Motion Picture". Trust me."
(We cut to some anomaly in space)
Sean: (Narrating) Our story begins… (In a deep, booming voice) INNNNNN SPAAAAACE! We see a wibbly, wobbly swirly thing in space. Or as in what Sean "Smeaghead4269" Moore of Cinematic Excrement would say…
(A clip from Cinematic Excrement is shown)
Sean Moore: All hail the mighty glow cloud.
Sean: (Narrating) We see three of the Klingon Empire's new K't'inga-class warships intercepting this mysterious alien entity and they start checking it out.
Klingon Captain (Played by the late Mark Lenard): (In Klingon) Tactical…
Sean: (Narrating) Wait a minute. Hold it. How come the Klingons have ridges on their foreheads? In the original series, the Klingons have flat heats, (shot of an Original Series Klingon, followed by the current version of the Klingons) they never had the ridges on their foreheads. So, why do they have the ridges on their foreheads now? What's the big deal with them?
"Captain, we have an incoming transmission." Dave said.
"On screen." Sean said.
(We are shown static, followed by a young man in his 20s, wearing a yellow and black striped shirt and glasses and we see him in his office filled with comic books, action figures and DVDs)
"Hey, Sean." The young nerdy man said.
"Oh, Christ. Hi, Caleb. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Caleb the Sci-Fi Geek." Sean said as he rubs his temples.
"I'm glad that you asked that question. You see, there's several different theories out there on why the Klingons have ridges on their foreheads." Caleb said as Sean rolls his eyes in disgust. "Here's one. There's something called the Klingon augment virus. It was created by Klingon researchers who were attempting to bio-engineer enhanced warriors using DNA from genetically-modified Human embryos left over from Earth's Eugenics Wars." Caleb said.
"Thank you, Caleb. That's all I needed to know." Sean said.
"But Sean, you need a Star Trek expert to help you out. You need me, buddy." Caleb said.
"No, I don't. If I need a Star Trek expert, I'd rather talk to my Aunt Juanita about Star Trek. She knows a lot about Star Trek." Sean said.
"But…" Caleb said.
"Also, the reason why the Klingons have ridges on their foreheads is because they have a budget and Gene Roddenberry thought it looked cool." Sean said.
"Now, wait a…" Caleb said as Sean ends the transmission.
"Alright, now let's continue with this review." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, in typical Klingon fashion, they see something and they don't know what it is, so they start shooting at it.
(The Klingon warship fires a torpedo at the anomaly, but we see that it doesn't affect it)
"We are so fucked." Sean said, speaking in Klingon.
Sean: (Narrating) But the wibbly, wobbly swirly thing doesn't like that and vaporizes the Klingon bastards.
(The mysterious anomaly fires a torpedo of it's own at the Klingons, disintegrating them. Then, the anomaly makes a sound)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. The wibbly, wobbly swirly thing makes this weird noise that sounds like something from an electric guitar.
(The anomaly makes a sound)
Sean: (V/O) Extreme! (air guitar)
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to the planet Vulcan, where we see Spock played by Leonard Nimoy, sporting long hair. He's about to partake in a Vulcan ritual called Kolinahr, a ritual that will rid Spock of all of his emotions. But he then senses the mysterious entity and he couldn't go through with the ritual.
(Spock raises his hand to stop the ritual as the sound is heard)
Sean: (V/O) Excellent! (air guitar)
Vulcan Master (Played by Edna Glover): (Speaking in Vulcan) Your thoughts… give them to me.
"Are you sure about that, lady? You do not need to know what's going on in Spock's mind.
(She puts her hand on Spock's face and mind melds with him)
(The scene intercuts with Leonard Nimoy in an episode of T.J. Hooker)
Sgt. T.J. Hooker (Played by William Shatner): This is wrong, Paul! Dead wrong!
(Paul punches Hooker in the face)
Lt. Paul McGuire (Played by the late Leonard Nimoy): Everything you're doing is getting in my way, Hooker!
Sean: (V/O as Vulcan Master) What the hell, man?
(We cut to San Francisco)
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to Starfleet Headquarters in San Francisco, where we see Admiral James T. Kirk played by William Shatner. He meets up with a discount Vulcan replacement for Spock. For some reason, Admiral Kirk doesn't trust anyone else to handle this mission, so he can regain the Enterprise and handle the mission.
Capt. James T. Kirk (Played by William Shatner): Twelve. I'm on my way to a meeting with Admiral Nogura which will not last more than three minutes. Report to me on the Enterprise in one hour.
Lt. Cmdr. Sonak (Played by Jon Rashad Kamal): Report to you, sir?
Capt. James T. Kirk: It is my intention to be on that ship following that meeting. Report to me in one hour.
"Oh, yeah. The new Vulcan science officer is totally dead. I'm not kidding. Just slap a red shirt on him and he's dead as the rest of the red shirts on the show." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Kirk meets up with the Enterprise's chief engineer Scotty, played by James Doohan, and they take a shuttle over to the Enterprise because the Enterprise's teleporters aren't working so well.
Scotty (Played by the late James Doohan): She needs more work, sir. A shakedown.
Capt. James T. Kirk: Mr. Scott, an alien object of unbelievable destructive power is less than three days away from this planet. The only starship in interception range is the Enterprise. Ready or not, she launches in 12 hours.
"So, why couldn't you just send another ship over to deal with this alien entity? I know that the Enterprise is the only starship in interception range but it still needs some work done. Hell, Scotty said that they have just finished 18 months redesigning and refitting the Enterprise. She's not going to be ready in 12 hours. So, just send another ship over." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Kirk and Scotty take a shuttle over to the drydock and we see the newly designed Enterprise. And this is where the movie comes to a screeching halt. For some reason, Robert Wise felt the need to show the audience every… square… inch… of the Enterprise. Look, I get it. The Enterprise looks amazing but nothing is actually happening.
(We are shown more shots of the Enterprise)
Sean: (Narrating) Come on, say something. Can we get some dialogue here? You're boring us here. Can we get a goddamn move on?!
(More shots of the Enterprise and Kirk looking over it)
Sean: (Narrating) Movie, you're killing me here. We get it, we fucking get it. The ship looks amazing and so does the visuals and the cinematography. Jesus, how long are we gonna spend looking at the ship?
(We see the words "Five Minutes" on the screen)
Sean: (Narrating) Five minutes?!
"Are you fucking kidding me?! I'll be busy having a good wank to Molly Stewart and Abella Danger having some fun with each other and I come back and see that this is still going on! Uh-uh, no way!" Sean exclaimed.
"Uh, you do realize that you can press the "skip" button on the remote, right?" Cami asked.
"Oh, right. I forgot." Sean said as he presses the skip button on the DVD remote.
(We skip to the next scene)
Capt. James T. Kirk: Thank you, Mr. Scott.
Scotty: Aye, sir.
"Ah, much better. The skip button is useful when something boring happens in this movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So after they get onboard the ship, finally. Kirk reunites with his old friends, Sulu played by George Takei, Chekov played by Walter Koenig and Uhura played by Nichelle Nichols…
"Fun fact: my mom met Nichelle Nichols in the comic expo back in September. She got her picture take with her and she's got her autograph." Sean said as a photo of his mother and Nichelle Nichols is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) Kirk also meets the current captain of the Enterprise, Willard Decker played by Stephen Collins.
"Oh, dear." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Kirk breaks the news to Decker that he will be assuming command as captain, which Decker doesn't take the news very well and Kirk demotes the poor guy.
Capt. James T. Kirk: I'm replacing you as captain of the Enterprise. You'll stay on as executive officer, temporary grade reduction to commander.
Decker (Played by Stephen Collins): You, personally, are assuming command?
Capt. James T. Kirk: Yeah.
Decker: May I ask why?
"Well, maybe it's because Captain Kirk found out that you turned out to be a piece of shit pedophile." Sean said as the buzzer starts buzzing. "What? I can't make that joke? Oh, come on! (Sighs) Fine, let me stick with the less colorful joke. It's because he's going to play the bad guy in No Ordinary Family. Anyone remember that show? It aired on ABC from 2010 to 2011. It's about a family who gains superpowers after their plane crashes in the Amazon. He played the main villain of the show. Alright, fuck this noise. Let me just make this obvious joke, it's because he's going to be starring in 7th Heaven. There, happy?"
Decker: Admiral, this is an almost totally new Enterprise. You don't know her a tenth as well as I do!
Capt. James T. Kirk: That's why you're staying aboard. I'm sorry, Will.
Decker: No, Admiral. I don't think you're sorry. Not one damn bit.
"Okay, what sense does it make for Kirk to take over? If he just wants to help, then that's fine. Decker knows the ship better than him. Kirk is being an asshole, so fuck him. But then again I realize that Decker is still played by Stephen Collins, so fuck him too. Can we get a responsible captain to take over for these two idiot?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) But it isn't long for something bad to happen as they try to beam aboard Discount Spock and another crew member after fixing the transporters, but they suddenly start acting up and what happens next gets pretty disturbing for a G-rated movie.
Capt. James T. Kirk: Give it to me!
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, let the captain who's been told that he doesn't know the ship better take away control from the person who's qualified for the job!
(The female officer screams horrifically. Then, we see her body and Commander Sonak's bodies disappear)
Capt. James T. Kirk: Oh, my God. Starfleet, do you have them?
Intercom: Enterprise, what we got back didn't live long. Fortunately.
"Great job, Kirk. Great job. You take command as captain of the ship and immediately you just killed two people. Now, we won't get to know, uh, what was his name again?" Sean asked.
Capt. James T. Kirk: Commander Sonak.
"Right, right. Commander Sonak. Who cares about that guy? Let's move on." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After getting the transporters to work properly, we're introduced to the Enterprise's new navigator, Lieutenant Ilia played by the late Persis Khambatta. Ilia is part of a hairless humanoid race from the planet Delta IV.
Decker: Hello, Ilia.
Ilia (Played by the late Persis Khambatta): Decker.
Decker: I was stationed on the lieutenant's home planet some years ago.
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention that Decker and Ilia had a thing for each other years ago. Just wanted to point that out.
Ilia: (To Capt. Kirk) My oath of celibacy is on record, Captain.
We cut back to Sean, who immediately does a spit take while sipping a can of Pepsi. "Eww!"
Sean: (Narrating) Why would you mention that? We don't need to know that. It's like Captain Kirk saying that his oath of promiscuity is on record.
"Well, the reason why Ilia swore an oath of celibacy was because the Deltans' strong sexual attraction could be a distraction for members of other species. Oh, and their oath of celibacy was a promise that they're obligated to swear upon service in Starfleet, which means that they would not take advantage of any of their non-Deltan crewmates." Caleb said.
"Dude, seriously? I am well aware of the reason why Ilia took an oath of celibacy. I read the Memory Alpha wiki." Sean said.
"Oh… well, since you know that. I'll let you continue." Caleb said.
"Thank you." Sean said. "Now…"
"But if you need my assistance, let me know. I'm a huge Star Trek fan." Caleb said.
"Oh, God!" Sean growled.
Sean: (Narrating) We still got one more crew member to come aboard and it's Dr. McCoy, played by DeForest… (sees that McCoy beamed in with a full beard and wearing something like he's going to a Disco and starts laughing) oh, ho, hooooooo my God. What is he wearing?
"Holy Saturday Night Fever, Batman! Can we play some fitting music for this scene?" Sean asked while he continues to laugh.
(The song "Stayin' Alive" by the Bee Gees starts playing)
Capt. James T. Kirk: Well, for a man who swore he'd never return to the Starfleet…
Dr. McCoy (Played by the late DeForest Kelley): Just a moment, Captain, sir. I'll explain what happened. Your revered Admiral Nogura invoked a little known, seldom used reserve activation clause. In simpler language, Captain, they drafted me.
"Oh, my God. That outfit looks ridiculous." Sean said.
(Clips from Star Trek: The Motion Picture and Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) And if you think that McCoy's outfit looks ridiculous, then you should see their uniforms. They had them wearing these one-piece jumpsuits that are gray, white, gray and white, blue, brown and beige. I didn't care for them, they look silly then and they look silly now. Hell, it's a good thing that the Starfleet Uniforms were changed in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. They redesigned the uniforms, giving them a naval-type design.
Capt. James T. Kirk: I need you. Damn it, Bones. I need you. Badly!
"Oh, great. Now I'm gonna have to make this joke." Sean said as he points up at the ceiling.
Singers: The Ambiguously Gay Duo!
Sean: (Narrating) So now that they got the crew together, the ship can finally leave drydock…
(The Enterprise pulls out of dock while going just as slow as it was when seeing it from the outside.
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, you have got to be kidding me. Can you go a bit faster, please?! My God, how long is this going to take? (We get more slow shots) Speed it up! What do you think this is 2001: A Space Odyssey? Give us an action scene. Do something, dammit!
(We cut to a shot of a door to the engine room closing as someone manages to make it in quickly)
"Well, we got our thrilling action sequence. A man nearly missing a door. This calls for some epic maneuver music." Sean said in a sarcastic tone.
(Nightwish's Ghost Love Score starts playing as we see the man making it through the door quickly)
Sean: (Narrating) Kirk, getting bored at how slow things are going, orders the Enterprise to go warp drive. But Decker and Scotty both point out that the ship's new engines haven't been tested properly. But Kirk demands to speed things along and he needs warp speed now.
Sulu (Played by George Takei): Warp 1, sir.
Capt. James T. Kirk: Mr. Decker.
Computer: Emergency alert! Emergency alert! Emergency alert!
Capt. James T. Kirk: (Sees that the ship gets caught in a wormhole) Wormhole!
"Our captain, ladies and gentlemen!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) The Enterprise gets caught in a wormhole, which was created by an engine imbalance and they're about to collide with an asteroid that has been pulled inside. Kirk orders the Enterprise to fire it's phasers at it but…
(The visuals and the audio on the bridge are shown to be distorted)
Decker: No! Belay that phaser order!
We cut back to Sean as we see that the visuals and audio in his living room are shown to be distorted.
"Wow, I feel like I'm on an acid trip. Well, it was made in the seventies, so I shouldn't be surprised. Whoa! So, trippy!" Sean said in a distorted voice.
Sean: (Narrating) Decker has Chekov blast the asteroid with a proton torpedo, which saves the day. Okay, just to clarify: Kirk killed two people and he almost endangered the lives of his crew. Our hero, ladies and gentlemen. And you think that Kirk would be happy about this but he's not. So he drags Decker to his quarters to demand an explanation.
Capt. James T. Kirk: Why was my phaser order countermanded?
Decker: Sir, the Enterprise redesign increases phaser power by channeling it through the main engines. When they went into anti-matter imbalance, the phasers were automatically cut off.
Capt. James T. Kirk: Then you acted properly, of course.
"Yeah, Captain Decker is right. I mean Commander Decker. Is he still the captain of this ship or is he a commander? Plus, if they fired the phasers on the asteroid, they would all be dead. Was Alan Dean Foster and Harold Livingston trying to make Captain Kirk a complete idiot because they're making him look like one right about now." Sean said.
Decker: I'm sorry if I embarrassed you.
Capt. James T. Kirk: You saved the ship.
Decker: I'm aware of that, sir.
Capt. James T. Kirk: Stop competing with me, Decker!
"Stop pointing out the obvious things that I do wrong, you perverted child toucher." Sean said, imitating James T. Kirk.
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. We have a cheesy, romantic subplot between Decker and Ilia and their romantic past with each other. God kill me.
Decker: I'm sorry.
Ilia: That you left Delta IV? Or that you didn't even say goodbye?
We cut back to Sean, who's busy looking bored from watching the movie.
Decker: …would you have been able to say it?
Ilia: No.
(Ilia walks away just as the scene transitions to the intro to General Hospital from 1993)
"Stop, stop, stop! I didn't realize that I was watching General Hospital. What the fuck, movie?! Why do I have to sit through this stupid as hell romance between Decker and Ilia. I would rather watch General Hospital and wait for Cameron and Josslyn to get together. They have a better love story than these two morons. Where the hell is Spock?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) After that pointless romantic history between Decker and Ilia, McCoy accuses Kirk of being the one who was competing and the fact that he used the emergency so that Starfleet can get him command of the Enterprise.
Capt. James T. Kirk: And I intend to keep her, is that what you're saying?
McCoy: Yes. It's an obsession. An obsession that can blind you to far more immediate and critical responsibilities. Your reaction to Decker is an example, Jim.
"I agree with Dr. McCoy. Kirk doesn't want anyone to be in control of the Enterprise. You should've seen him a few scenes earlier, he looked like he was getting a massive hard-on from seeing it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But then we have one more crew member to join then them and it's Mr….
Capt. James T. Kirk: Spock!
"Hey, I was going to say that." Sean said.
"Originators of the Kirk/Spock male slash rejoice." Caleb said.
"What? They have fanfics about Kirk and Spock?" Sean asked.
"Yeah. And trust me, you do not want to know or even check it out." Caleb said.
Sean: (Narrating) Hey, it's a good thing that Leonard Nimoy's on the movie and that he finally got his royalty checks. Without Spock, the movie will suck.
Spock (Played by the late Leonard Nimoy): I'm aware of your engine design difficulties. I offer my services as science officer. With all due respect, Commander.
Capt. James T. Kirk: If our exec has no objections?
Decker: Of course not. I'm well aware of Mr. Spock's qualifications.
"Dang, Decker can't catch a break. He's been demoted twice. If he gets demoted again, then he will be delivering some religious propaganda." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, with Spock on the Enterprise, he repairs the engines on the ship and they're now rebalanced for full warp capacity. Now, we can speed things along.
McCoy: Spock, you haven't changed a bit. You're just as warm and sociable as ever.
Spock: Nor have you, Doctor, as your continued predilection for irrelevancy demonstrates.
"Or we can just talk. Haven't I told you that you're boring me to death here?" Sean asked.
Spock: (On the alien entity) I believe it may hold my answers.
McCoy: Well, isn't it lucky for you that we just happened to be heading your way?
Capt. James T. Kirk: Bones! We need him. I need him.
Sean points up at the ceiling as the song starts playing.
Singers: The Ambiguously Gay Duo!
Sean: (Narrating) So, they finally arrive at the wibbly, wobbly swirly thing.
Capt. James T. Kirk: Full mag on viewer!
Sulu: Full mag, sir.
(The anomaly makes a sound)
Sean: (V/O) Tubular! (air guitar)
Capt. James T. Kirk: Linguacode?
Uhura (Played by Nichelle Nichols): Continuing friendship messages on all frequencies, sir.
Chekov (Played by Walter Koenig): All decks and divisions confirmed. Status Red.
Sean: (Narrating) But the alien anomaly scans them and they enter the wibbly, wobbly swirly thing, which attacks them by firing a torpedo at them, which overloads the ship's systems and it burns Chekov's hand. But luckily they have a Deltan navigator that can heal him with her magic healing powers.
"I just wanted to point that out because I'm reviewing the theatrical version that I own and that part wasn't in the theatrical version but it was in the director's cut." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But luckily, Spock sends out a transmission to the anomaly just in time before it tries to vaporize them and it lets them enter. And then we're treated to more slow, slow, slow, slooooooooooooooooooooow shots.
(The next shots are either the anomaly or the Enterprise crew)
"Oh, for crying out loud. Really?" Sean asked.
(We get more slow-moving anomaly shots)
Sean: (Narrating) Jesus, it's still going on? Add an action scene, blow some shit up, do something!
(More anomaly shots)
Sean: (Narrating) I hate to ask this, but how long is this going to take?
(We see the words "Ten Minutes Long" appearing on the screen)
Sean: (Narrating) Ten minutes?! This scene lasts ten fucking minutes?! Are you fucking kidding me?! What kind of punishment is this?
(A clip from Star Trek: The Next Generation Interactive VCR Board Game is shown)
Kavok (Played by Robert O'Reilly): Experience bij.
(We see the words "Experience Bij" pops up on the screen while Jerry Goldsmith's Klingon Battle theme starts playing)
(We cut to more shots of the Enterprise crew and more slow shots of the anomaly)
Sean: (Narrating) Ugh! God, Star Trek Into Darkness was more faster paced than this stupid movie. Look, I get it. You have a budget! It doesn't mean for you to act like 2001: A Space Odyssey and Close Encounters of the Third Kind.
"Who am I kidding? Douglas Trumbull who worked on the visual effects on this movie also did the visual effects for 2001: A Space Odyssey and Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Also, he worked on Blade Runner." Sean said as a photo of director/special effects supervisor Douglas Trumbull is shown.
(We continue with more slow-moving shots of the anomaly)
"End! End! For the love of God end!" Sean yelled out.
(We see a beam of light appearing on the bridge)
Sean: (Narrating) And thank God it does end as something actually happen here. The anomaly sends a probe onto the Enterprise, which takes control of the computers on the bridge as Spock thinks of the most logical thing to do.
(Spock moves Decker away from the computer and smashes it with his fists)
"Just go Hulk on it's ass by smashing the computer. Why the hell would you do that? Couldn't you just unplug the computer?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) But the probe doesn't like it when people interfere, so he zaps Spock for a bit, then moves Ilia and scoops her up.
(Ilia vanishes along with the probe, her tricorder falls to the floor)
Decker: (Angrily) This is how I defined unwarranted.
"Eh, you can forget about her. At least you can move on to someone much younger." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But then Ilia shows up, but it's not her because she has a small red device on her neck. We'll call this one Ilia Bot. She's been programed by the anomaly known as V'Ger to observe and record the normal functions of the carbon-based units infesting the U.S.S. Enterprise. Kirk asks the Ilia Bot why is V'Ger travelling to Earth. Her answer: to find the Creator to join with him so that V'Ger and the Creator will become one.
(A clip from Star Trek: The Original Series is shown)
Spock: Logical.
Sean: (Narrating) You know something, Kirk has only one thing on his mind: "Can he have sex with it?". Anyway, they take the Ilia Bot over to sick bay to examine her. Then Decker enters and sees the Ilia Bot. Oh, great. Decker wants to have sex with the Ilia Bot. But Spock theorizes that the real Ilia's memories and feelings have been duplicated in that robot copy of herself.
Spock: (To Decker) You did have a relationship with Lieutenant Ilia, Commander.
Decker: That probe, in another form, is what killed Ilia!
Capt. James T. Kirk: Commander! Will, we're locked in an alien vessel, six hours from Earth orbit. Our only contact with our captor is that probe. If we could control it, persuade it, use it…
(The probe bust through the door)
Ilia: I have recorded enough here. (Points at Kirk) You will now assist me further.
"Well, that's great. Now, Kirk has no choice but to fuck her. What a man-whore." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But Kirk has Decker to assist the Ilia Bot to let her study everything around her. While all that is going on, Spock who still wants to know why he sensed V'Ger, knocks out one of the guards by doing the Vulcan nerve pinch on him and goes outside the ship in a space suit so he can get close to V'Ger.
(Spock enter the interior of V'Ger and we get some visuals of the interior of the spacecraft)
Sean: (Narrating) And yes, this is the movie's way of jacking off all over our faces with it's amazing visuals. Boy, they're putting Douglas Trumbull's work to good use. So Spock makes his way inside V'Ger and comes across…
(The center of V'Ger looks like a vagina, surrounded by spheres)
Sean: (Narrating) …a giant space vagina. I'm not kidding. It looks like a giant space vagina. Hell, the last area that Spock had to go through look like an anus!
"Are you trying to say that sci-fi writers don't get tons of booty? Hell, Harlan Ellison's been getting tons of booty before he died." Sean said.
(A photo of sci-fi writer Harlan Ellison is shown with sunglasses and a pimp hat, surrounded by female porn actresses like Jenna Sativa, Sara Luvv, Carter Cruise, Gia Paige, Kenna James, Aletta Ocean and Adria Rae)
"Man, the writer of A Boy and His Dog and The Outer Limits episode Soldier was a total pimp." Sean said.
"He also wrote the episode The City on the Edge of Forever for the first season of Star Trek." Caleb said.
"Oh, you're right. He did. Wasn't there a dispute between Roddenberry and Ellison from what I've read about?" Sean asked.
"Yep." Caleb asked.
(Spock sees a giant image of Ilia with the sensor on her neck)
Spock: The sensor must contain some special meaning. I must try to mind-meld with it.
Sean: (Narrating) Spock tries to mind-meld with V'Ger but it doesn't end well, causing him to get his point-eared ass get handed to him on a silver platter and sent back towards the Enterprise. He's taken to sick bay and tells Kirk that V'Ger came from a planet populated by living machines where it's gained so much knowledge over time. Yeah, except for one question: who is the Creator?
(We see a photo of God from Star Trek V: The Final Frontier pop up on screen)
Sean: (Narrating) No, no, no! That's God. Let Star Trek V deal with that problem. Until V'Ger finds it's creator, it will take out the carbon units in it's way until it finds an answer.
Ilia: The Creator has not answered. The carbon-unit infestation is to be removed from the Creator's planet.
Capt. James T. Kirk: Why?
Ilia: You infest Enterprise. You interfere with the Creator in the same manner.
Sean: (Narrating) But then Spock comes to a realization about V'Ger.
Spock: V'Ger is a child. I suggest you treat her as such.
Capt. James T. Kirk: A child?
"Oh, well. Does V'Ger wants some ice cream from Dairy Queen? Does V'Ger want some pizza from Pizza Hut? Does V'Ger wants to go to the park and play in the swings? Does V'Ger wants to watch Riverdale? This sounds pretty stupid." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, the Enterprise flies into V'Ger. So Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Decker and the Ilia Bot head down to the center of V'Ger where they find something unexpected. It turns out that V'Ger is in fact Voyager 6, a satellite sent out many years ago but it was sucked into a wormhole and was stranded on the machine planet. Over the years, it evolved with so much knowledge and now it still wants to join with it's creator.
McCoy: You mean, this machine wants to physically join with a human? Is that possible?
Sean: (Narrating) Apparently its is as Decker, knowing that he won't be in any part of the franchise gives himself up to V'Ger as Ilia Bot joins with Decker and V'Ger, which sets off a big bang and the Enterprise flies outta there.
Capt. James T. Kirk: Spock, did we just see the beginning of a new life form?
Spock: Yes, Captain. We witnessed a birth. Possibly, a next step in our evolution.
"Good, let's forget about that next step in evolution and never mention that in any of the Star Trek movies." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Therefore, happy ending! A big bang was set off by another big bang, the crew is back together again and they go off where no man has gone before. The end.
(The Enterprise goes into warp drive and we see the words "The Human Adventure Is Just Beginning." on the screen)
"And that was Star Trek: The Motion Picture and no wonder they call this one "The Slow Motion Picture"." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown again)
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, let's start with the bad: the characters aren't developed enough, the movie's pacing is slow. Even though the effects were amazing, it gets boring very fast. And now for the good points: the visual effects were amazing, Jerry Goldsmith's music score is awesome and epic, the movie had some interesting ideas. There was a special longer version of the film that was released on VHS. When the movie was released on DVD, there was the director's cut which had some updated visual effects and it was much better than the theatrical version. Star Trek: The Motion Picture isn't a good film for fans of the franchise. It's a total borefest. If you're doing a Star Trek movie marathon, that's fine. But this is a film you can easily skip. Coming in at 3 bald Deltan chicks out of 5.
"Well, that's all for my review of Star Trek: The Motion Picture. I hope you all enjoyed and…." Sean said until he's interrupted by the sound of a crowd booing.
(The text "Do Wrath of Khan" appears on the screen with Sean rolling his eyes in annoyance)
"All right, all right. I'll quickly go over The Wrath of Khan." Sean said.
(The title screen for "Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan" is shown as well as clips from the movie)
Sean: (Narrating) Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan was released in theaters on June 4, 1982 and boy, did they totally redeem themselves. This is the one that Star Trek fans call it the best Star Trek movie ever. It has a good story, great interactions between the villain, an intimidating villain, memorable dialogue, some awesome looking uniforms and some tense, action-packed space battles. This is my favorite in the franchise. The plot sees the return of Khan Noonien Singh, played by the late Ricardo Montalban. Khan first appeared on the episode Space Seed on the first season of Star Trek, one of the best episodes in the series. This movie is not only one of the best Star Trek movies ever but it's one of the best sci-fi movies of all time. If you're new to Star Trek, I suggest that you start by watching The Wrath of Khan first, skip the first movie you're not missing out. If you want to watch the first film, then more power to you.
"Well, that's all the time we have for today. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll have to get ready for a certain annual special." Sean said as he picks up his Cap'n Crunch t-shirt and his remote. "It's coming, guys. It's coming."
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Spock!
And that's all for the review of Star Trek: The Motion Picture for The Mayhem Critic. What did you guys think of the new character Caleb? Want to see him appearing in more reviews? Next time on The Mayhem Critic, it's that time again. That's right, it's commercials time! Sean takes a look at more commercials along with his buddy Lucas in Commercials III: Revenge of the Commercials. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.