The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. I am the great James Stryker and welcome back to another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. With Christmas coming fast, I will do my best to review some of the Christmas specials and movies that I said that I will be reviewing before the end of December. With that said, Sean takes a look at the 1985 cult classic Santa Claus: The Movie. A movie so bizarre, it gained a cult following. So, let's sit back, grab a nice hot mug of hot chocolate and enjoy the new hilarious review. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Santa Claus: The Movie is owned by TriStar Pictures.
Episode Seventy-Seven
Santa Claus: The Movie
We open with Sean J. Archer a.k.a. The Mayhem Critic, sitting on the couch in his living room, typing down a list of holiday wishes on his laptop while sipping on some vanilla egg nog.
"Okay, here are some of my five holiday wishes: the first wish would have to be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace. My second would have to be for $30 million a month to be given to me, tax-free in a Swiss bank account. My third wish would have to be all encompassing power over every living being thing in the entire universe. My fourth wish would have to be set aside one month each year for an extended 31-day orgasm, to be brought about slowly by Hayley Orrantia and pornstar Abigail Mac. Of course, Taylor could come, too. She's behind me 100% on this. And my fifth and final wish would be revenge against my rival critics, they should die like pigs in Hell. Matter of fact, let me switch things up: first one would be the sex with Hayley and Abigail, second…" Sean said to himself while he's typing on his laptop.
"Sean, you're on." Cami said.
Sean looks up at the camera and stops typing as he closes his laptop to start the introduction to today's review.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic. The critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said. "Today, you're in for a little treat, I'm going to be reviewing one of my favorite Christmas movies of all time when I was growing up. And that movie is Disney's The Santa Clause. Released in theaters on November 11, 1994. Directed by John Pasquin, the guy who directed a couple of episodes of Home Improvement in seasons one and two and starring the Tool Man himself, Tim Allen. Ah, this movie brings back all the nostalgic feels. Seeing Tim Allen putting on the Santa suit after Santa Claus falls off of the roof and…"
"Uh, Sean. That's the wrong movie." Cami said.
"Huh? What do you mean that's the wrong movie? It was on the list of Christmas movies and specials that I'm reviewing for this month." Sean said.
"But the movie that you're reviewing for today is Santa Claus: The Movie." Cami said.
"Santa Claus: The Movie? I never watched that film when I was a kid. Was it something from the 80s?" Sean asked.
"Yeah. The one with the Big Lebowski." Cami said.
"Jeff Bridges?" Sean asked.
"No, you idiot!" Cami exclaimed.
"Who are you, Bud Abbott? Why are you calling me an idiot for?" Sean said as Cami rolled her eyes at her inept cousin.
"I'm talking about David Huddleston." Cami said.
"Oh, the late David Huddleston. That movie! I remember watching that when I was a kid. Plus, I owned the movie on DVD. Guess I'm reviewing Santa Claus: The Movie." Sean said.
(The title screen for the movie "Santa Claus" is shown, followed by clips from the movie while the song "It's Christmas (All Over the World)" performed by Sheena Easton plays)
Sean: (Narrating) Santa Claus: The Movie, the ever-growing cult classic was released in theaters on November 27, 1985. It was a straightforward attempt to examine the mysteries of Santa Claus. The film stars the late Dudley Moore, John Lithgow and the Big Lebowski himself David Huddleston. The movie was written by husband and wife screenwriting team David and Leslie Newman, who worked on the screenplays for the Superman movies and it was produced by father-son team Alexander and Ilya Salkind. Yep, the same people who worked on Superman: The Movie, Superman II and Superman III, the one with Richard Pryor in it. The film was directed by French director Jeannot Szwarc, who directed Jaws 2, one of my favorite sequels of all-time. He also directed Somewhere in Time starring Christopher Reeve and Jane Seymour, that movie was pretty good. And he directed…
(The poster for the movie Supergirl is shown)
"Oh, great! Just great! He directed Supergirl and that movie sucked ass! I fucking hated that movie!" Sean shouted. "And he directed this movie as well. Oh, man. This is gonna hurt!"
Sean: (Narrating) But watching this movie, you're gonna see how bizarrely weird it is and yet it has such a growing audience who likes this movie.
"Well, let's not waste any time. Let's take a look at how bizarrely weird it is. This is..." Sean said.
"Wait, didn't the Nostalgia Critic review this movie on his show?" Cami asked, interrupting her cousin.
"Yeah. And your point?" Sean asked.
"Well, he already reviewed it." Cami said.
"Hey, I have my own material. If he reviewed Santa Claus: The Movie, then I will too. Let's start the review." Sean said.
(The movie starts)
Sean: (Narrating) The movie begins in a little village as we see an old lady telling the story about Santa Claus. Yeah, I can tell you this right now Santa Claus is a jolly old fat guy with a white beard who delivers toys to all the children. Let's run with that angle. We see Santa Claus, played by David Huddleston, and his wife Anya played by Judy Cornwell from Keeping Up Appearances, arriving at the village so he can deliver the toys to the children.
Mother: Cutting wood all day for the whole village. It's enough to exhaust any man. How does he find time to make all those things?
Anya Claus (Played by Judy Cornwell): He makes time. What can I tell you? It gives him pleasure.
"I guess sex with you doesn't give him enough pleasure?" Sean asked.
Taylor: (V/O as Anya) Shut the fuck up.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that Santa Claus is just a normal guy who makes wood carvings and toys for all the kids in the village. Also, I just want to point out that Santa doesn't have his magic powers yet. As Santa and his wife leave the village to get more toys, the snowstorm gets worse which makes the reindeer get weak and it gives them a hard time to make it through.
(Santa's reindeer Donner and Blitzen get weak as the blizzard gets much worse)
Santa Claus (Played by the late David Huddleston): I can't find it, Anya. I can't find the road.
Anya Claus: Where are we?
Santa Claus: (To Donner and Blitzen) Come on, boys. Don't slow up now!
(Donner and Blitzen collapse to the ground from the blizzard)
Santa Claus: Come on, my good boys. Donner! Now listen! Over there, there's food and warmth… and a bed and straw and hay… and everything a smart team of reindeer would like!
Anya Claus: Claus, come back. I can't see you.
Santa Claus: Oh, my God. Anya!
"Dude, I admire your dedication and all but your two reindeer and your wife are gonna die soon. Are you out of your mind?! You're killing them while you're trying to make this delivery. Look, little Johnny can live without his Batman Total Justice toy and Jenny can live without her Baby So Real doll. You're putting lives in danger, brah!" Sean exclaimed.
(A clip from the Comedy Central Roast of David Hasselhoff is shown)
Gilbert Gottfried: What an asshole!
Santa Claus: (Huddles close to his wife for warmth) Anya! Anya! Anya, please!
(Santa closes his eyes and passes out from the blizzard)
Sean: (Narrating) And thus, the tale of Santa Claus comes to an end as him and his wife died peacefully along with their reindeer as the storm got much worse on the night that became Santa's last night. The end.
(The end credits is shown as we see the words "Directed by JEANNOT SZWARC" on the screen)
Sean: (Narrating) No, they're not dead. Actually, a bright light appears and shines on them. Okay, maybe they're dead. No, actually that was the shining star making a bright Christmas tree.
(A group of elves approach the sleigh while holding candles)
Sean: (Narrating) Santa and his wife are approached by a group of elves, who are average-sized and not little. We're then introduced to an elf named Dooley, played by the late John Barrard, who greets them.
Dooley (Played by the late John Barrard): We've been expecting you.
Santa Claus: Expecting us?
Dooley: For a long, long time. We almost gave up hope!
Santa Claus: Where are we?
Dooley: Home.
"We're keeping you here for a long, long, long time. This is your home now." Sean said, imitating Dooley.
Sean: (Narrating) We're also introduced to an elf named Patch, played by Dudley Moore...
"As in Patches, I'm dependin' on you son, to pull the family through. My son it's all left up to you." Sean said as he sings the Clarence Carter song Patches.
Cami then looks at Sean and gives him a confused look.
"You know, the depressing song from the 70s." Sean said.
"Seriously? You think that I'm going to know about that song?" Cami asked.
"Ugh, just forget it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The Vendegums, also known as elves, believe that Claus is destined to deliver their toys to children all over the world after taking him and his wife to their new home and show them the workshop and the wonderful toys that they've worked on. And I have to say for a film that was made in the 80s, the set design looks beautiful.
Santa Claus: But how could I deliver all these toys? I won't live long enough for that.
Dooley: Both of you will live forever.
(We cut back to Claus and Anya as the text on the screen reads "And so, the madness begins." pops up)
Narrator: And so, the madness begins.
Sean: (Narrating) Later that night, Claus and Anya get settled into their new home as Claus comes across Patch trying to get Donner to eat something.
Santa Claus: (While petting Donner) He's always been the fidgety type.
Patch (Played by the late Dudley Moore): Yeah. Well, he'll be all right, sir, as soon as he gets used to the place. He just needs a little elf control.
"Really?" Sean asked while raising an eyebrow at the camera. "Do you have to whip out a bad elf pun? You're starting to sound like one of the Smurfs. Oh, trust me. Aside from inventing toys, his other job is to whip out bad elf puns throughout the movie."
Patch: (In various scenes) It gives me a real feeling of elf confidence./Are we elf-conscious?/He just needs a little elf control./Isn't it elf explanatory?/I don't like elf assurance./I'm entirely elf taught.
"Oh, shut the elf up, you motherelfer." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, we see the elves in the workshop working on the toys for all the children while Santa prepares for his first night. But first, the outfit has got to look right for tonight.
Anya Claus: (On Claus' outfit) No, the size is fine. Please don't think I;m criticcizing, but green's just not his color.
Patch: Red.
Anya Claus: Yes! Red! Perfect! Matches his cheeks and everything.
"Hey, he's gotta look great if you're going to sell your bottles of Coca-Cola." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But before Santa gets on his sleigh to deliver the toys, we come to the weirdest and silliest part of the movie that the elves do when season's greetings starts. Just watch.
(A ball of light shines down through a tower upon the group of elves huddled together. They admire it in great awe before snowflakes start to fall on them and we finally see the elves congratulate each other with handshakes and happy comments)
We cut back to Sean, who makes a confused look on his face from watching that scene.
"Uh, I'm sorry, movie. Could you please explain to me what the nucking futs is going on here? We see a ball of light shining down on them, it starts snowing as they do nothing but stare in awe and finally they congratulate each other?" Sean asked.
(We see the elves doing a joyful dance as Santa and Anya join in)
"Boy, weatherman Jim Kosek was never that much excited about the weather." Sean said.
(A clip from AccuWeather is shown)
Jim Kosek: 14 to 22 inches of snoooooooooow!
(A clip from World's Dumbest Performers is shown)
Michael Loftus: There's gonna be snooooooow!
Sean: (Narrating) As Santa gets ready to go out on his first sleigh ride, we're introduced to another character by the name of the Ancient Elf and oh, boy. (Laughs as he sees the Ancient Elf appearing while he has two elves holding both ends of his long beard) Wow, he looks like Pai Mei from Kill Bill Vol. 2. Maybe it's that long-ass beard of his. And yes, he's played by the late Burgess Meredith.
"And I thought that the Great Ak from The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus looked silly." Sean said while laughing.
Ancient Elf (Played by the late Burgess Meredith): The prophecy has come to pass, that there would come to us a Chosen One, having no child of his own, would love all children everywhere.
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, come on! This is Santa Claus we're talking about, not Jesus Christ. It's not like we're telling the epic tale of Santa Claus here. It's just a guy delivering toys to the kiddies.
Ancient Elf: From this day on, now and forever, you will bring our gifts to all the children in all the world.
"I want you to eat sugar cookies and crap Christmas snow!" Sean said, imitating Mickey from Rocky.
Santa Claus: How can I do so much in just one night?
Ancient Elf: Time travels with you. The night of the world is a passage of endless night for you.
"Well, he's friends with the Great Ak. Maybe he can persuade the leaders of the Immortals to grant him immortality." Sean said, referencing The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus.
(Claus prepares to take off with his sleigh and guides his reindeer up into the sky)
Sean: (Narrating) Throughout the years, jolly ol' St. Nick travels around the world and gives toys to the children around the world all while flying over some impressive front projection done by the late Derek Meddings. With the letters coming in, all the children will know the name of Santa Claus. And we see how the naughty and nice list is born as well. Hey, he's making a list and checking it twice. He's gonna find out who's naughty or nice, bitches! And there are people who are writing stories about him.
Dooley: (Reads a poem about Santa) "He had a broad face, and a little round belly. That shook when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly."
Santa Claus: (Looks offended) What?
Dooley: Pardon?
Santa Claus: Was that… that last part.
Dooley: "He had a broad face…"
Santa Claus: Yes. Go on.
Dooley: "And a little round belly, that shook when he laughed like a bowlful of…"
Santa Claus: Jelly.
Dooley: It's just a poem.
Santa Claus: Is that how they think I look?
Anya Claus: Well, you know. The cookies.
"Hey, man. There are many interpretations about you. You were played by Hulk Hogan in Santa With Muscles, you were a hulking Santa that was fighting Arnold Schwarzenegger and he was played by WWE's Big Show in Jingle All the Way and Goldberg played a killer Santa in Santa's Slay. Hell, it could be worse, Billy Bob Thornton played a drunk, foul-mouthed Santa in Bad Santa." Sean said.
(We cut to Santa eating some vegetables and looking disgruntled)
Sean: (Narrating) And look at this, he has to eat vegetables. That's what happens when you eat too much cookies, buddy. With all that he's doing, he can't do everything himself, so he goes to Patch and Puffy, played by Anthony O'Donnell, about the assistant job to see who's perfect for it. And Patch has some interesting ideas to share with Santa.
Patch: I'm talking modern methods of production here! I'm talking assembly line! I'm talking wave of the future. I'm talking faster, quicker…
Puffy (Played by Anthony O'Donnell): And sloppier.
Patch: Puffy, the thing about me is that I don't lack elf-assurance.
"Oh, Christ. Again with the elf puns, buddy?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) So Patch and Puffy compete to see who will become Santa's assistant. With Puffy using traditional ways to make toys, Patch uses a more inventive way to make toys faster.
(We see that Patch has created an automated manufacturing machine that creates a wooden tricycle very successfully as Patch laughs for joy at the success of his invention)
"I'm bloody genius!" Sean said as he imitates Patch while drinking a glass of scotch while wearing an elf hat and starts laughing like Arthur Bach, a character that Dudley Moore played in the 1981 comedy Arthur.
Sean: (Narrating) Because of how many toys he produced with his little invention that get things done in a jiffy, Patch gets the job as Santa's assistant. Oh, I'm sure nothing will possibly go wrong with the toys he made. We cut to New York City were we see a homeless boy by the name of Joe, played by Christian Fitzpatrick, standing outside a McDonald's while watching people eating. Really, movie? That's some blatant product placement. If there's one thing I while watching movies is seeing product placement in that movie.
"It's just like me putting some product placement in a review that I'm doing." Sean said as he starts sipping some Sprite in his Wendy's cup.
Sean: (Narrating) Who am I kidding? McDonald's did commercials promoting the movie while it was in theaters. No wonder they had to throw in McDonald's in the movie. We're also introduced to a girl named Cornelia, played by Carrie Kei Heim from The Parent Trap II. We see that Cornelia is a rich girl and she lives with her stepuncle. Stepuncle? What the hell is a stepuncle? What, no stepfather? (A picture of Terry O'Quinn in The Stepfather is shown) Not him! That would be a different movie. We see that Cornelia befriends Joe after giving him some food and a can of Coke.
"Goddamn it, movie. Again with your product placement? Geez, I haven't seen so much product placement in a movie since Man of Steel." Sean said as he starts eating some stuffed crust pizza from Pizza Hut.
(Joe burps after drinking a can of coke and smiles)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, enjoy that can of Coke, kid. Just make sure that it isn't New Coke from Bill Cosby. Anyway, while he's delivering toys, Santa comes across Joe. Wow, Santa coming across a homeless child? I've never seen that before in my life. Give this kid some special attention.
Santa Claus: What are you doing out here?
Joe (Played by Christian Fitzpatrick): I'm pitchin' a no-hitter for the Yankees. What's it look like?
Santa Claus: But it's Christmas Eve! Don't you know what that means?
Joe: Yeah, it means you don't have a job till next year. You and the rest of the winos.
Santa Claus: Don't you know who I am?
"You're the Big Lebowski. Of course, I know who you are. Leave me alone before I get Walter Sobchak on you. I knew you were faking that crippled shit." Sean said, imitating Joe.
Santa Claus: I'm Santa Claus!
Joe: Right. And I'm the tooth fairy.
"No, I believe that The Rock and Larry the Cable Guy were the Tooth Fairy and those two movies sucked." Sean said as posters for The Tooth Fairy and Tooth Fairy 2 are shown.
Sean: (Narrating) And to prove to Joe that he's the actual Santa Claus, Santa uses his magic to take him up on the roof and takes him on his sleigh for a little ride around New York in an impressive flying sequence that's, I hate to say it, better than Superman and Lois' flying sequence in Superman: The Movie.
(A picture of Christopher Reeve's Superman is shown)
Brian: (V/O as Superman) Bullshit!
Sean: (Narrating) After their little sleigh ride, Santa and Joe arrive at the house where the little girl Cornelia lives and deliver her gifts until they're spotted by her.
Cornelia (Played by Carrie Kei Heim): (Sees Santa Claus) Are you him? Are you Santa Claus?
Santa Claus: Boy, I hate it when this happens.
"Oh, boy. She saw me. Guess I have no choice but to give her a silent and deadly night." Sean said, imitating Santa as he pulls his signature AMT Hardballer .45 ACP pistol with a silencer attached to it and fires his gun while we hear the sound of a little girl screaming.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, Joe and Cornelia sort of know each other as Santa leaves the two of them alone together so they can get acquainted with each other. But enough about those two, we that the toys that Patch made are starting to fall apart and making little children.
(We see a little girl riding on a wooden tricycle and another little girl on a wooden bike riding as they start falling apart. The little girl cries and gets picked up by her father while the other little girl gets picked up by her mother. We then see a little boy dragging a red wooden wagon behind him as the handle comes off before the wagon roll out into the street.
Little Boy: Mom!
(He sees that his wooden wagon gets run over by a school bus)
Little Boy: Mom!
"Man, Patch's toys are crap. Patch, what do you have to say for yourself?" Sean asked as he turns to his left.
(A clip from Arthur is shown)
Arthur Bach (Played by the late Dudley Moore): (Is drunk and laughs) Now that's funny!
"You're a sick bastard, you know that." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And by the way, wooden toys? Like no kid in the world would want a fucking wooden bike for Christmas. Come on, Santa! Get with the times! Give them He-Man, Transformers or a friggin' Cabbage Patch Kid, you holly jolly fat bastard! And in a couple of scenes that I think are bizarre, we see Joe and Cornelia getting bullied by some kids because they rode and met Santa.
Joe: (While being repeatedly thrown at a wired fence) He's a great guy!
Bully #1: His toys are cheap crap!
Bully #2: His presents suck!
Bully #3: What do you care? Nobody ever gave you nothin'!
Sean: (Narrating) Uh, how would you know if he was lying? If the kid said that he rode with Santa, then he rode with Santa. Also, if you little shits believe in Santa Clause, then why the hell are you beating up Joe?! He rode with Santa frickin' Claus! That is the most awesome thing ever!
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
Sean: (as Kid #1) Hey, guys! You'll never guess what I did. I was fighting crime with Batman and we rode in his Batwing.
Lucas: (as Kid #2) Oh, yeah? Well, he saved a bunch of people at the Gotham City bicentennial parade from the Joker trying to kill everyone with Smilex gas and my dad got trampled by a crowd of people while grabbing money, you asshat!
(Lucas starts attacking Sean)
Sean: (While Lucas attacks him off-screen) Hey! Oh, come on now! Quit it!
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) Hell, take a look at Cornelia in this next scene. She isn't getting any luck either.
Bratty Girl #1: How can you be so dumb? Everyone knows he gives out shoddy, cheap toys. My daddy says he's an old fake.
Cornelia: He is not. He's the nicest man in the whole world.
Bratty Girl #2: My parents gave me a doll, and she says whole sentences on a cassette. You don't have any parents, so nyah!
(Cornelia smacks the girl on the upper arm)
Bratty Girl #2: Ow!
"What the hell? Did she just judo chopped her arm?" Sean asked while laughing.
(We cut back to Cornelia smacking the girl on her arm)
Sean: (Narrating) And boy, did that "Ow!" sound forced. Boy, you must be taking lessons from Commissioner Jan Schaefer.
(Cornelia smack the girl on her arm)
Bratty Girl #2: Ow!
(We see footage of former councilmember Vera Robles Dewitt hitting Commissioner Jan Schaefer on the head with some papers. Schaefer waited a beat or two, then lets out a blood-curdling shriek and rolls onto the floor in agony)
Sean: (Narrating) With the defective toys being returned to the North Pole, Patch quits his job as Santa's assistant. Boy, this movie is becoming depressing. And watch this scene without crying when you see Patch saying goodbye to the reindeer.
Patch: (To the reindeer) Well, boys, I'm gonna miss you. You know that, don't you?
(Patch hugs Donner)
Patch: Take care of yourself, huh?
(Donner sheds a tear)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, Jesus! Now you made the reindeer cry! Merry friggin' Christmas from the Salkinds!
(A picture of Alexander and Ilya Salkind are shown wearing Christmas hats while the song "Merry Christmas Everyone" by Shakin' Stevens plays)
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to a Congressional meeting where we're introduced to the villain of the movie named B.Z., played by John Lithgow. And I have to say this about John Lithgow, he's the best part about this movie. Just see how over-the-top he is. B.Z. is the executive of a toy company that's being investigated due to unsafe products. He's so evil that his dolls are flammable.
(A lawyer sets a doll on fire with a cigarette as the reporters gasp in shock)
Senate Chairman (Played by the late Jerry Harte): Well, what do you say to that, sir?
B.Z. (Played by John Lithgow): Well, senator, I've always known that cigarette smoking could be hazardous to your health. (Chuckles)
Senate Chairman: This is not a laughing matter, sir. This is a tragedy waiting to happen! You sir, are a disgrace to your profession.
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. And let's not forget that he puts nails and pieces of glass in teddy bears too. How do you put nails and glass in teddy bears?! That's unsafe for kids. That dude is pure evil! And when I say "over-the-top", here's what I meant.
B.Z.: Cowards!/Swine!/Commies!
Sean: (Narrating) Patch arrives in New York City and he goes to see B.Z. Well, I'm sure that this guy is perfect for Patch to work for.
Patch: Don't you believe in Santa Claus?
B.Z.: Why should I? He never brought me anything.
"Well, that's because you were probably a naughty boy." Sean said.
Patch: That's because you were probably a naughty boy.
"Shut the elf up! I just said that elfdammit!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Patch wants to work for B.Z. to make something special, but hey his sales pitch needs a little work.
B.Z.: What would it cost?
Patch: Cost? Cost who?
B.Z.: The people who buy the toy.
Patch: Well, nothing. We're going to give them away free.
(B.Z.'s face turns red and chokes as he gets ready to have an outburst)
Patch: Oh, that's fantastic! How do you turn your face so red so fast?
B.Z.: FOR FREE?!
"Oh, my God. I don't care what anyone says about this movie, I love John Lithgow in this movie, he manages to ham it up with this role." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And is it just me or does it look like that when B.Z. gets mad, he looks like that he's being force choked by Darth Vader?
(We cut to a clip from Star Wars: A New Hope showing Darth Vader force choking someone as it intercuts to B.Z. choking while the Imperial March plays in the background)
Sean: (V/O as Darth Vader) I find your lack of Christmas disturbing.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, B.Z. comes around and hires Patch to create something special. And this is where the story goes off the rails here. After being hired by B.Z., Patch creates a magic candy that can make people fly.
"Hold on. I'm gonna need this." Sean said as he pulls out a bottle of Evan Williams Original Southern Egg Nog. "Continue."
(We see Cornelia watching a commercial on TV at home)
Patch: (On television) Well, the Patchwork Present comes from me. You'll find it under the Christmas tree. And best of all, you will agree is that it's absolutely free.
Miss Tucker (Played by Dorothea Phillips): Cornelia, your stepuncle has just dropped by for a minute. Go in and wish him a merry Christmas.
(We cut to Cornelia entering a different room to speak toward a turned-around office chair) Merry Christmas, Uncle.
(The chair spins around and it's revealed that B.Z. is Cornelia's stepuncle)
B.Z.: (Smokes a cigar) It certainly should be.
(Cue the "DUN DUN DUUUUN!" sound effect as B.Z. laughs evilly)
Sean then gasps in shock. "OH MY GOD! B.Z. is Cornelia's stepunc… are you friggin' kidding me?! That still doesn't make any goddamn sense!"
Sean: (Narrating) As the candy sell like hotcakes, B.Z. has other plans for Patch as he asks him what if they juice up the formula a bit and then he comes up with the most bizarre ad campaign in the history of filmdom.
B.Z.: We can launch the ad campaign tomorrow, strike while the iron is hot! I can promise delivery in, say, three months.
Patch: Three months? But it's a year to Christmas.
B.Z.: When you've got a hit like we have, patch, the people don't want to wait a whole year. They're dying for a sequel! (Comes to a revelation) A sequel. That's it. We'll bring it out on March 25th, and we'll call it… Christmas II!
"Okay, if you're gonna make a sequel to Christmas, at least have a subtitle to go with it like." Sean said.
(We see the titles "Christmas 2: Judgment Day", "Christmas 2: The New Batch", "Christmas 2: The Wrath of Jack Frost" and "Christmas 2: Electric Boogaloo" on the screen)
Sean: (Narrating) Christmas 2: Judgment Day or Christmas 2: The New Batch or Christmas 2: The Wrath of Jack Frost or Christmas 2:...
Announcer: ...Electric Boogaloo.
"The possibilities here are endless!" Sean said with a smile on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) Back at the North Pole, we see that Santa is feeling a bit down because of B.Z.'s success and that he's putting him out of business.
Santa Claus: The world is a different place now, Anya. You don't see it. The people don't seem to care about… giving a gift… just so they can see the light of happiness in a friend's eyes. Maybe this fella B.Z… he's smarter than I am. Maybe I'm… maybe I'm just an old fool.
"Oh, hell. I have to play this Big Lebowski clip." Sean said.
(A clip from The Big Lebowski is shown)
Walter Sobchak (Played by John Goodman): (To Larry) Son, this is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!
"Hey, it's the only clip I can think of. It's one of the funniest scenes ever." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to a rainy night in New York as Joe goes to visit Cornelia in the middle of the night. Boy, those kids never age. I mean it's like three years have passed in this movie and they never aged. Anyway, B.Z.'s assistant Dr. Eric Towzer, played by Jeffrey Kramer, drops by to speak with him as B.Z. reveals his diabolical plan to put Santa out of business while drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon in brandy glasses.
We cut to Sean, who runs into the kitchen and sees Brian drinking a bottle of Heineken.
"Hey, Brian. What's that you're drinking?" Sean asked.
"Heineken." Brian said.
"Heineken? Fuck that shit! Pabst Blue Ribbon!" Sean said as he holds up a can of PBR in his hand.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Joe and Cornelia overhear their conversation and ends up giving their position away as Joe sneezes, then he gets caught by B.Z. while Cornelia hides.
Joe: I heard what you said! You ain't never gonna beat Santa Claus! Never! I'll tell him, and he'll beat you!
B.Z.: Park this kid on ice! I'll deal with him later.
"And by dealing with him later, it means that I'm going to kill him." Sean said, imitating B.Z.
Sean: (Narrating) So, B.Z. has Joe locked up in his toy factor when Towzer tells him about a major flaw with the new candy.
Towzer (Played by Jeffrey Kramer): It's the candy canes.
B.Z.: Yeah, what about them?
Towzer: They're dangerous.
B.Z.: What the hell are you talking about?
Towzer: This Patch guy…
B.Z.: Uh-huh.
Towzer: ...he told me he keeps that secret ingredient in cold storage because it comes from the North Pole.
B.Z.: Uh-huh.
Towzer: So, we started manufacturing the candy canes.
B.Z.: Uh-huh.
Towzer: It's a very powerful mixture, you know?
B.Z.: Uh-huh.
Towzer: So, I just assumed I should refrigerate them too.
B.Z.: Damn it, Towzer! Get on with your story! Stop giving me all these short sentences and making me go "uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh" like I'm some kind of a damn moron!
"Sounds like the producers when the people who wrote this movie pitched the idea for the movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Long story short, the candy canes are dangerous and it could kill people, so Cornelia overhears her stepuncle's diabolical plan and writes a letter to Santa right away. So, he arrives to pick up Cornelia and tells him about the candy canes as they rush to go after Joe and Patch. Meanwhile, Patch finds Joe in the basement of the factory as the two of them head down to the North Pole with the candy canes with them. Meanwhile, the cops arrive at the toy factory to arrest B.Z. right when he's about to jump out of the window. But because of the magic candy canes that he was eating, he finally gets his comeuppance.
(B.Z. flies out of his office window, only to float uncontrollably away into the sky as the cops look on with disbelief)
"Uh, does anybody have a jetpack so you can catch him. Better yet, shoot the dastardly son of a bitch." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And now, it's a race against time as Santa and Cornelia hurry to save Patch and Joe. But when the candy canes begin to explode, Santa does the most ridiculous that he ends up pulling off .
(Santa pulls off the super duper looper by guiding his sleigh in a circular motion in the air)
Joe: Santa! It's Santa!
Patch: Santa!
(The Patchmobile explodes, making Patch and Joe fall)
Cornelia: Joe!
(Patch and Joe fall safely into Santa's sleigh just in the nick of time)
"Yeah, try and pull that stunt off, Superman!" Sean points at the camera.
Sean: (Narrating) Therefore, happy ending! Patch is back to working for Santa, Cornelia and Joe have been adopted by Santa, his wife and his elves. Yeah, more like kidnapping. And they're all doing a joyous dance. As for B.Z…
(We see a doomed B.Z. floating into the depths of space along with the remains of the Patchmobile)
B.Z.: (While floating in space) Hey! What's going on? Let… let me down!
"Somewhere in space, B.Z. is either bumping into Superman or the bear that Lou Ferrigno threw in Hercules." Sean said.
(A clip from Hercules is shown, as we see Hercules played by Lou Ferrigno, screaming in rage and picks up the bear and throws it into space, then we intercut to the bear and B.Z. bumping into each other in space, creating a new constellation)
"Well, that was Santa Claus: The Movie. Boy, what a bizarre movie. But dammit, do I enjoy it." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown again)
Sean: (Narrating) Don't get me wrong, it's still a bad movie. But it's so bad that it's good and I admire it at times from its amazing flying sequences, the visual effects and the beautiful set design. I do enjoy Dudley Moore as Patch, I enjoyed David Huddleston as Santa Claus and what can I say about John Lithgow, he's the best part of this movie. Even though that the plot of this movie gets silly later on and the blatant product placement throughout, I still have a soft spot for it. If you're into goofy movies, then this is the one for you. Check it out when it comes on television, coming in at 3 wooden toys coming apart out of five.
"I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and… OOH, I GOT IT!" Sean shouted as he opened his laptop and starts typing. "Okay, my first wish would be sex with Hayley Orrantia from The Goldbergs, pornstar Abigail Mac and Lauren Taylor from Best Friends Whenever. Oh, and a threesome with Taylor and Lauren Taylor. See you guys next time, I gotta work on my holiday wishes."
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Christmas II!
And that is all for the Santa Claus: The Movie review for The Mayhem Critic. Hope that you all enjoyed some of the funny bits of this review and this was a movie that I remembered watching when I was little when it came on television. Also, the holiday wishes bit was a reference to the A Holiday Wish sketch with Steve Martin from Saturday Night Live. Next up on The Mayhem Critic, Sean and his friend Lucas review the Ed, Edd n Eddy Christmas special Ed, Edd n Eddy's Jingle, Jingle, Jangle and see if it's one of the best Christmas specials ever made. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.