The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic and you're in for a treat. Today, Sean takes a look at one of the most successful cartoons from the 80s… TRANSFORMERS! Don't worry, it's not the live action Michael Bay movies, I'm talking about the 1986 animated feature The Transformers: The Movie. Is this movie more than meets the eye? Well, let's find out in today's chapter. So sit back, relax, grab yourself a cold one and enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. The Transformers: The Movie is owned by De Laurentiis Entertainment Group, Marvel and Sunbow Productions.
Episode Eighty-Five
The Transformers: The Movie
We open with our favorite movie critic Sean J. Archer a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic sitting in his living room drinking a hot cup of coffee with vanilla creamer in it before starting his introduction.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. Let's talk about the Transformers." Sean said.
(Footage from the 1984 animated series is shown while the theme song plays)
Sean: (Narrating) Ah, Transformers. Robots who turn into vehicles. An idea so awesome it became a phenomenon. It started out as a toy line back in 1984 and in the same year, Transformers soon became an animated series about the heroic Autobots battling the evil Decepticons. Plus, the show's got the most catchiest theme song ever.
(The Transformers theme starts playing while the show's intro is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) The show became a hit and in 1986 they got their own theatrical release simply titled The Transformers: The Movie.
(The movie's title is shown while clips from the movie are shown while the song "The Touch" by Stan Bush plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on August 8, 1986, The Transformers: The Movie was released after the show's first two seasons. It was a big deal for fans who watch the show and collected the toys. Me? I wasn't born in the 80s, but I was born in the 90s and the one Transformers show that I grew up watching was this one.
(The title screen for the show Beast Wars: Transformers is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Hell, yeah! That was a show that I watched when I was young. For those of you who haven't seen or heard of Beast Wars, you have the two main factions who are the descendants of the Autobots and the Decepticons called the Maximals and the Predacons, in other words animal versions of the Autobots and the Decepticons. You have Optimus Prime as a gorilla known as Optimus Primal and you have Megatron as a T-Rex and in the third season of the show he was a dragon as well. I also watched Beast Machines, Transformers: Robots in Disguise, Transformers Armada, Transformers Energon and Transformers Cybertron. A few years later, I started watching Transformers again. I watched the 1984 animated series and Transformers: Prime on The Hub, also known as Discovery Kids. While I was in high school, I was in my freshman year of high school and my mother got me the 20th anniversary DVD of Transformers: The Movie and when I popped that movie in the DVD player and watched it, I enjoyed it.
"Now, I know for a film that's been released thirty-four years ago, I'm sure it's still good. I mean, it's not going to be as bad as the Michael Bay Transformers movies. Well, with the exception of the first Transformers movie, it was the best one in the film series. But the sequels suck. And yes, we can blame the writer's strike for screwing up Revenge of the Fallen. Anyway, let's take a look at The Transformers: The Movie and see if this movie's more than meets the eye." Sean said.
(The Sunbow Productions logo and Marvel Productions LTD. logo are both shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Wait a minute, this is a Marvel movie? I guess I have to stay for the post-credits scene. We open with a mechanical planet traveling through space as it makes it's way over towards another robot planet called Lithone, where we see it's inhabitants are busy going about their day mixing jars of Kool-Aid when all of a sudden tragedy strikes.
(The inhabitants of the planet Lithone spots the mechanical planet known as "Unicron")
Kranix (Voiced by the late Norman Alden): Arblus, look! It's Unicron!
Sean: (Narrating) We see that the mechanical planet named Unicron starts devouring the planet. And by the way, is it me or does Unicron look like a giant butthole? (A picture of t V'Ger from Star Trek: The Motion Picture is shown) First, we have the giant space vagina from Star Trek: The Motion Picture and now we have a mechanical planet that looks like a giant butthole in this movie.
"Am I going to start reviewing 80s sci-fi movies where they have things that look like giant buttholes in them? Is that going to be a thing now?" Sean asked.
Kranix: The ships! Get to the ships! It's our only chance!
(Unicron devours the planet while the inhabitants try to escape. We see one ship getting sucked into Unicron. Afterwards, Unicron drifts off into space)
"Holy shit! This movie just opened with a planet being obliterated by a machine planet within the first five minutes of the movie. I wonder how they're gonna follow that." Sean said.
(The title screen for the movie is shown. As the opening credits begin, the Transformers theme is performed by the rock band Lion)
"We get a rock version of the Transformers theme performed by Lion. That is the most epic as hell cover ever. When I first listened to the theme song, I was hyped as hell." Sean said.
(After the opening credits, we open with a shot of the Autobots' home planet Cybertron)
Sean: (Narrating) The movie takes place in the year 2005 and we learn that the Decepticons have taken over the Autobots' home planet Cybertron while the Autobots plan to take it back from hidden bases from two of Cybertron's moons, along with the show's main human character Spike Witwicky, voiced by Corey Burton.
Jazz (Voiced by the late Scatman Crothers): Jazz to Moonbase Two.
Bumblebee (Voiced by Dan Gilvezan): Bumblebee and Spike, here.
Jazz: We're about to send up a shuttle. Any Decepticon shenanigans in your area?
Bumblebee: All clear, Jazz.
Spike Witwicky (Voiced by Corey Burton): Hey Ironhide, tell my son Daniel I miss him. And tell him not to worry, I'll be coming home as soon as we kick Megatron's tail across the galaxy.
Ironhide (Voiced by Peter Cullen): Will do, Spike.
"Okay, for those of you who are familiar with the Michael Bay Transformers movies, Spike is kinda similar to Sam Witwicky but the difference is that I don't feel like choking the living crap outta him every time he's on screen." Sean said.
(A clip from Shia LaBeouf's "Just Do It" Motivational Speech is shown)
Shia LaBeouf: DO IT! Just do it!
"Oh, piss off!" Sean exclaimed.
(After overhearing the Autobots' plan to attack, Laserbeak heads back to Cybertron and reports to Megatron)
Sean: (Narrating) But those pesky Decepticons are up to no good as Laserbeak returns to relay the message to the evil Decepticon leader Megatron, voiced by Frank Welker.
Megatron (Voiced by Frank Welker): Soundwave, play back Laserbeak's findings.
Soundwave (Also voiced by Frank Welker): As you command, Megatron.
(Soundwave transforms into a tape recorder as Laserbeak transforms into a tape for him to play back the Autobots' plans)
"Come on, guys. This is 2005. Shouldn't Soundwave transform into a DVD player and Laserbeak transform into a DVD?" Sean asked.
Optimus Prime (Also voiced by Peter Cullen): (On the playback) I want you to make a special run to Autobot City on Earth.
Ironhide: But Prime…
Optimus Prime: Listen, Ironhide. We don't have enough energon cubes to power a full-scale assault. Ready the shuttle for launch! Now all we need is a little energon and a lot of luck.
Megatron: More than you imagine, Optimus Prime.
"Okay, why couldn't they bring back Frank Welker as the voice of Megatron in the Transformers movies? Instead they got Agent Smith from The Matrix to voice the character? Well, he did voice Soundwave in Revenge of the Fallen. Oh, yeah. Now I remember. He did voice Galvatron in Age of Extinction and Megatron in The Last Knight. Boy, The Summer of Transformers is going to kill me, isn't it?" Sean asked. "God, help me."
(The Decepticons attack the shuttle, en route to Earth)
Sean: (Narrating) So, the Decepticons begin to attack the shuttle, set to the tune of Instruments of Destruction performed by NRG, as we see….
(The song "Instruments of Destruction" by NRG plays as the Decepticons start attacking the shuttle. Megatron transforms into a gun into Starcream's hand as Starscream opens fire and kills Brawn)
"Dude!" Sean said as he looks on in shock.
(Prowl fires back at his attackers, nearly shooting off Starscream's head in the process. Scavenger fires at Prowl and kills him. The blast penetrates Prowl's armor, burning his insides horribly as we see fiery smoke coming out of his mouth)
"Oh, shit! They just killed Prowl!" Sean exclaimed as he continues to watch the scene in pure shock.
(We then see Ironhide and Ratchet getting shot by Starscream multiple times)
Sean's jaw slowly dropped as he covered his mouth after seeing Ironhide and Ratchet getting killed.
Megatron: This was almost too easy, Starscream!
Starscream (Voiced by the late Christopher Collins, credited as Chris Latta): Much easier, almighty Megatron, than attacking the real threat; the Autobots' moonbase!
Megatron: You're an idiot, Starscream. When we slip by their early warning systems in their own shuttle and destroy Autobot City, the Autobots will be vanquished forever.
Ironhide: (Crawls to Megatron's feet in a vain attempt to keep fighting) No!
Megatron: Such heroic nonsense!
(Megatron blasts off Ironhide's head with his fusion cannon, killing him)
"Well, shi-shit. That was really dark for a children's movie." Sean said.
(The scene where the Decepticons kills the Autobots in a brutal fashion is shown again)
Sean: (Narrating) We just witnessed some of our favorite characters getting brutally killed by the Decepticons. Yeah, hopefully the kids who saw this in the movie theater back in 1986 didn't mind seeing some of their favorite characters in the show getting killed in a brutal fashion. Imagine watching this movie with your kid and this is his reaction to it.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see Adam entering the living room while we see his wife Lexi bottle feeding their daughter Sophia and their son Aaron sitting on the couch)
Adam: Who's ready for movie night? Aaron, remember that Transformers movie that you wanted to see?
Aaron: Yeah?
Adam: (Holds up the Blu-Ray of Transformers: The Movie) Well, Sean let me borrow his Transformers DVD so you can watch it.
Aaron: Really?
Adam: Yeah.
Aaron: Yay! I love Transformers. The Autobots are my favorite.
(Adam gets ready to put the DVD in the DVD player and walks back over to the couch)
Lexi: Adam, honey. Are you sure about him watching this movie?
Adam: Now, Lexi. This one is not like the Michael Bay movies. This is the original one. I'm sure that there's nothing in that movie that would scar him for life.
(We see the words "A Few Moments Later" on screen)
Narrator: A few moments later.
(We see Adam, Lexi and Aaron watching the movie. While watching the movie, Aaron looks horrified from seeing some of the characters getting killed)
Aaron: Mommy, daddy. I don't want to watch this movie anymore.
Adam: It's okay, it's okay. You don't have to watch it.
Lexi: Just be glad that he didn't see what happens to Optimus Prime.
Aaron: What happens to Optimus.
Lexi: Nothing. Nothing happens to him. He'll be fine. It's the others who are not fine.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
(The scene then transitions to Hot Rod and Daniel fishing at a lake)
Sean: (Narrating) After seeing your favorite characters getting the axe, we then cut to… characters fishing!
(Hot Rod catches a fish)
Hot Rod (Voiced by Judd Nelson): (Catches a fish and reels it in) Whoa, hey! I caught something!
Daniel Witwicky (Voiced by David Mendenhall): Whoa, look at the size of it!
Hot Rod: Yep, it's a whopper alright.
"Okay, they're really switching the tone of the movie. At one moment, you have a bunch of Autobots getting killed, then next it switches to characters fishing. It's doing a pretty good job at doing that." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We're introduced to the new characters of the movie: Hot Rod voiced by Judd Nelson….
(A clip from The Breakfast Club is shown)
John Bender (Played by Judd Nelson): (In his own voice) No Dad, what about you?! (In his father's voice) Fuck you!
Sean: (Narrating) And Spike's son Daniel, voiced by David Mendenhall. Daniel is a little sad that his father is away in space and being stationed on one of Cybertron's moon bases. So, Hot Rod decides to cheer Daniel up by heading down to Lookout Mountain to watch the Autobot shuttle arrive. They do this while the movie's soundtrack kicks in, this time to Stan Bush's Dare.
(The song "Dare" by Stan Bush plays while Hot Rod and Daniel head to Lookout Mountain. While on their way, Hot Rod smashes through a security cordon that Kup and the other Autobots are setting up)
Kup (Voiced by the late Lionel Stander): (To Hot Rod) Turbo roddin' young punk! I'll straighten you out yet.
"That's another reason why I love this movie. Aside from Lion's epic cover of the Transformers theme, Stan Bush's Dare is another highlight of the movie. And when the third song comes up, it's the best one yet." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) As Hot Rod and Daniel arrive on Lookout Mountain, Daniel notices something wrong with the shuttle as he sees the hole in it, which means it's time for the Decepticons to make their attack on Autobot City.
Megatron: Attack!
(We see the Decepticons attacking Autobot City while the Autobots defend themselves)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. Remember those characters that you love from the show that you were all excited to see up on the big screen? (We see Arcee dragging one of the dead Autobots) Well, they're dead now! The reason why they're killing off some of the old characters is because they want to make room for some of the new characters. I've already introduced Hot Rod. So, I guess it's time to introduce you all to Ultra Magnus, voiced by the late Robert Stack.
(A clip from Unsolved Mysteries is shown)
Robert Stack: Join me. Perhaps you will be able to help solve a mystery.
"What? You grew up watching Transformers but you never watched Unsolved Mysteries." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And Arcee, voiced by Susan Blu, who would become the voice director for the shows Beast Wars and Beast Machines. Anyway, the Decepticons seem to have the upper hand so the Autobots try to contact Optimus Prime. And this battle goes on for a long time and the movie just decides to fast forward through some of it. Anyway, Optimus Prime voiced by Peter Cullen arrives and being the awesome hero that he is, he comes in to save to day, this time it's set to the best song ever, The Touch also performed by Stan Bush.
(The next song "The Touch" by Stan Bush starts playing as Optimus Prime arrives and takes out some of the Decepticons before going after Megatron)
(A clip from the KidBehindACamera video "Country Western Burger…" is shown)
Pickleboy: (Sings to the tune of "The Touch) You got the crisp! You got the flour!
"Shut up, Pickleboy. I don't want you to ruin this moment for me." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And now, it's time for Optimus Prime and Megatron to have their final battle, even though we're about twenty minutes in with this movie.
Optimus Prime: One shall stand, one shall fall.
Megatron: Why throw away your life so recklessly?
Optimus Prime: That's a question you should ask yourself, Megatron.
"Don't worry, neither one of you will make it out of this battle alive. You're going to be discontinued like the other characters so we can bring in the new toys." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Optimus Prime and Megatron duke it out to the death but Optimus manages to defeat Megatron and is about to finish him off.
Megatron: Grant me mercy, I beg of you!
Optimus Prime: (Before he kills Megatron) You, who are without mercy, now plead for it? I thought you were made of sterner stuff!
(Hot Rod jumps in to stop Megatron from reaching for his laser gun. Then, Megatron shoots at Optimus Prime, mortally wounding him)
Sean: (Narrating) But Hot Rod tries to play hero and ends up getting Optimus Prime shot. Great job, Hot Rod. Great job.
(Another clip from The Breakfast Club is shown)
John Bender: Screws fall out all the time, the world is an imperfect place.
Megatron: (Pointing a gun at Optimus' head) I have waited an eternity for this. It's over, Prime.
Sean: (V/O as Megatron) Yes, it's over as soon as I'm going to shoot you. Which I'm going to shoot you and (Optimus hits Megatron and badly damages him) OH SHIT!
Sean: (Narrating) With Megatron defeated and the Decepticons retreating with their heads between their legs, we then come to the saddest moment in movie history. A moment that the Nostalgia Critic forgot to add it on his Top 11 Saddest Nostalgic Moments video. And this part also traumatized every kid who watched it back in the day, the death of Optimus Prime.
Daniel Witwicky: Prime, you can't die.
Optimus Prime: Do not grieve. Soon, I shall be one with the Matrix.
We cut to Sean, who's busy watching the scene while trying to hold back the tears.
Optimus Prime: Ultra Magnus, it is to you, old friend, I shall pass the Matrix of Leadership as it was passed to me.
Ultra Magnus (Voiced by the late Robert Stack): But Prime…
Sean continues to fight back his tears, but then he ends up crying.
Sean: (Narrating) Before Optimus dies, he passes the Matrix of Leadership down to Ultra Magnus. It is very important because a "Chosen One" would rise from the ranks of the Autobots and use the power of the Matrix to light their darkest hour.
(Prime dies and Daniel starts crying)
(The scene then cuts to the bird scene from Disney's Bambi)
Sean looks up at the camera while he wipes the tears off of his face. "You insensitive bastards! What the hell's the matter with you? A main character of the show just died."
Sean: (Narrating) So much for selling those Optimus Prime toys. And the reason why they've decided to kill off Optimus Prime and so many other characters in this movie is because they want to sell toys. Hasbro discontinued the toys for several of the old characters to make room for the new characters, so they've decided to kill them off. Imagine if they tried something like this today.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We open with a still shot of the Scripps Center. We see the caption "Hasbro, Inc." on the screen. We then see Sean, who's in an office and he's dressed in a business suit and tie)
Sean: (Playing a Hasbro executive) Hi, kids. I'm Roger Malkinson, one of the executives here at Hasbro. On behalf of me and the rest of the executives, I would like to apologize for brutally killing several of the Transformers characters that you've grown attached to like Optimus Prime. But you gave us no choice. You see, you weren't just buying enough of our toys, so we had to make new characters. So, make sure you buy them today. (He picks up the Red Alert action figure from Transformers Armada and points his Beretta M9 pistol at it) Their lives might just depend on it.
(Suspenseful music plays)
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
(We cut to the Decepticons aboard Astrotrain as they throw some of the injured members off into space, including Megatron, just to lighten the load)
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, we see that the Decepticons are not doing so well. Maybe it's because they're too heavy for Astrotrain to take them back home. But in a fair vote, the Decepticons decide throw some of the injured Deceptions out into space. And Starscream, voiced by the late Christopher Collins, being the one who's always trying to overthrow Megatron, decides to kick his ass out into space.
Starscream: (To Megatron) Oh, how it pains me to do this.
Megatron: Wait… I still function.
Sean: (V/O as Starcream) Too bad. You're discontinued, biatch!
Sean: (Narrating) So after he throws Megatron out into space, Starscream nominates himself as the new leader of the Decepticons. Well, that makes sense because he was also the voice of Cobra Commander as well. (A picture of Cobra Commander from G.I. Joe is shown next to Starscream) Anyway, so Megatron and the other trashed Decepticons are floating around in space until they bump into that monster planet Unicron.
Unicron (Voiced by the late Orson Welles): Welcome, Megatron.
Megatron: Who… who said that?
Unicron: I am Unicron.
"And Unicron is voiced by Orson Welles. This was his final film role before he died back in 1985 at the age of 70. He was said to have hated this movie. And he was asked about his role, he couldn't remember his character's name but he described his role as "a big toy that attacks a bunch of little toys." So, I guess you could say that this was embarrassing to his career. I mean, imagine him voicing his character in the recording studio." Sean said.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We get an audio recording of Orson Welles in the recording studio as he voices the character Unicron)
Sean: (V/O as Orson Welles) Welcome, Megatron. I am Unicron. I have summoned you here for a purpose. (Stops reading his line) I'm sorry, what is the character's purpose?
Brian: (V/O as the casting director) Orson, what are you doing?
Sean: (V/O) I'm asking you what is the character's purpose?
Brian: (V/O) His purpose is to destroy planets and his mission is to destroy the Matrix of Leadership.
Sean: (V/O) This is ridiculous. Why the hell am I doing this movie? This is a bunch of bullshit right here. I've done Citizen Kane and Touch of Evil. And I'm resorting to this nonsense. Why did I even agree to this? Do you know who I am?
Brian: (V/O) Orson, come on! Could you get back to reading your lines, please?
Sean: (V/O) Fine. (Clears his throat) AAAHH, the French champagne! It's a California champagne by Paul Masson. Inspired by that same French excellence.
Brian: (V/O) Oh, Jesus. Orson's drunk again!
Sean: (V/O) We know a little place where Mrs. Buckley lives. Every July, peas grow.
Brian: (V/O) Orson, stop!
Sean: (V/O) Rosebud.
Brian: (V/O) Oh, my God. I need a drink.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
"Boy, how embarrassing to know that this was the last thing you did before you die. You know now that I think about it, Gene Hackman's final movie that he did before retiring was Welcome to Mooseport, that was embarrassing. And Daniel Day-Lewis' final movie he starred in before retiring was the Phantom Thread and that was a good movie. And let's not forget director Sam Peckinpah. His final movie that he directed before he died in 1984 was The Osterman Weekend. And that… it was okay.." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Unicron offers to rebuild Megatron and his minions in exchange for his services for them to kill Ultra Magnus and to destroy the Matrix of Leadership. So, he gives the Decepticons new bodies, that way Hasbro can make new toys for the kiddies and he turns Megatron into Galvatron and he's voiced by Leonard Nimoy.
Galvatron (Voiced by Leonard Nimoy): I will rip open Ultra Magnus and any other Autobot until the Matrix has been destroyed!
"Okay, Spock from Star Trek voicing a Transformers character is the most awesome thing ever. It's not that embarrassing. You know, I don't know if he's ever done anything embarrassing in his career." Sean said.
(We see Leonard Nimoy singing "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins")
"No! No, no! I will not resort to showing that on my show. Never play that again. Like forever." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But before he goes after the Autobots and the Matrix, Galvatron has some loose ends to take care of. And that loose end is the one Decepticon who's trying to usurp him. And speaking of Starscream, we see that he being crowned as the new leader of the Decepticons at his coronation, but Galvatron interrupts his coronation.
Galvatron: Coronation, Starscream? This is bad comedy.
Starscream: Megatron? Is that you?
Galvatron: Here's a hint!
(Galvatron transforms into a cannon and shoots Starscream. Starscream crackles and falls to dust)
"Don't worry, Starscream. I have a better place to put your ashes in. And that's in my cat's litter box. But hey, at least we won't see Starscream ever again." Sean said.
(We see the title screen for the Transformers season three episode "Starscream's Ghost")
"Oh, bite me." Sean said.
(We cut to Galvatron devouring two moons, which both had the Autobots' moon bases)
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, we see Galvatron eating two moons as Jazz sends a distress signal to Autobot City while Spike and Bumblebee set the moon base to explode and escape so that way it can destroy Unicron.
Bumblebee: Look!
Spike Witwicky: (Referring to Unicron) It isn't even dented. Aw, shit, what are we gonna do now?
Sean then shakes his head in disbelief. "What?"
Spike Witwicky: Aw, shit…
"Did he just say a curse word in an animated kid's movie? Isn't rated G?" Sean asked.
(The words "PG" pop up on the screen)
"What? PG?! Well, this was the 80s and 90s. PG movies were hardcore back then. This was back when PG meant something. The good 'ol days." Sean said.
(We see the two ships getting sucked into Unicron)
Sean: (Narrating) Don't worry, they're not dead. Their toys were still selling. Meanwhile, the Autobots must flee because the Decepticons are on their way and they're starting to attack. Well, time to get the hell outta here.
Ultra Magnus: Blurr, get the Dinobots into the shuttle!
Blurr (Voiced by John Moschitta): (Speaking quickly) I'm trying to get them in the shuttle, Ultra Magnus. 'Cause I know we can't launch the shuttle until I get them into the shuttle. But I can't seem to get them into the shuttle 'cause they're impossible, impossible, impossible!
"They're too dumb, I tell ya! Dumb. We also need to get this package delivered to Cybertron as fast as possible along with these Micro Machines. We've got to do it fast, fast, fast!" Sean speaking quickly while he imitates Blurr.
Kup: This reminds me of the battle on Alpha-9. The petro-rabbits were… Grimlock, get your noodle outta my face!
Grimlock (Voiced by Gregg Berger): Me Grimlock love Kup's war stories.
Kup: You're living one now. (To Hot Rod) Engage the boosters, for Cybertron's sake!
(Grimlock's voice is replaced by Odie's barking)
Kup: I'll give you petro-rabbits.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, the Autobots escape Earth as the hunt for the Matrix continues as Decepticons go after them into deep space. Kup and Hot Rod's shuttle crash into another metal planet while Ultra Magnus' shuttle separates the front portion of the shuttle, giving the Decepticons something to shoot at while they escape.
(The missiles hit the back portion of the separated shuttle)
Sean: (Narrating) And just when Galvatron thinks that the Matrix has been destroyed, Unicron summons him back to Cybertron. Back with Kup and Hot Rod, we see that they've crash landed on a planet called Quintessa, where they're attacked by some of the underwater inhabitants. Then, it's back to Ultra Magnus and the others as we see them land on the junk planet known as Junkion, the planet of junk, so they can look for repairs. Then, we see some of the inhabitants of Junkion keeping a watchful eye on them and we're introduced to the leader of the Junkions named Wreck-Gar, voiced by Eric Idle.
Wreck-Gar (Voiced by Eric Idle): Offer expires while you wait, operators are standing by.
"And the Junkions speak entirely in pop culture quotes. And they speak in generic phrases. Also, did I mention that their leader is voiced by Eric Idle? What? The guy was in Monty Python. He can voice a junk robot if he wants to." Sean said.
(A clip from Monty Python's The Meaning of Life is shown)
French Waiter (Played by Eric Idle): Well, fuck you! I can live my own life in my own way if I want to. Fuck off. Don't come following me.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Kup and Hot Rod search for the Dinobots until they run into some nasty looking robots known as Allicons. So, Kup's genius plan was to communicate with them.
Kup: I'll use the universal greeting.
Hot Rod: Universal greeting?
Kup: Watch, I'll have them eating out of my hands. Bah weep gragnah weep nini bong!
Hot Rod: Bah weep gragnah weep nini bong?
Allicons: Bah weep gragnah weep nini bong!
Kup: See, the universal greeting works every time.
(The Allicons transform into crocodiles and start attacking Kup and Hot Rod)
"Okay, I don't even want to know what Kup said to them. It must've been offensive." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) They're then taken to the rulers of the planet called the Quintessons. While being held prisoner, Kup and Hot Rod meet the survivor of the planet Lithone named Kranix, voiced by the late Norman Alden, who tells them about Unicron, but then he won't be surviving this movie any longer because he gets killed by the Sharkticons. Poor bastard. Meanwhile, the Dinobots are looking for Kup and Hot Rod until…
Wheelie (Also voiced by Frank Welker): Friend find, look behind!
Grimlock: Who say that?
(Grimlock looks away from Wheelie)
Wheelie: Friend find, look behind! You go wrong way, you fool I say.
"Ugh, this annoying as hell character." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) This is Wheelie, voiced by Frank Welker. And my God, Wheelie speaks in rhyme and that annoys the hell outta me.
Grimlock: (Sees Wheelie) Me Grimlock fool?
Wheelie: Get me you got, no fool you not. (Laughs)
Grimlock: Me Grimlock no like you.
(Grimlock attacks Wheelie)
"Ugh, rhyming characters." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Enough with that annoying character, back to Galvatron as Unicron bitches at him because he failed to destroy the Matrix and that they're on the planet of junk. So, he sends them down there to destroy them. And then we get another action sequence and Ultra Magnus fights them off to defend his friends and blocks them from harm so he can unleash the power of the Matrix.
Ultra Magnus: (Straining while trying to get the Matrix to open) Open, damn it, open!
"You know? For kids!" Sean said with a big smile on his face. "You know, a few more curse words then you'll earn a PG-13 rating." Sean said.
(We see the Decepticons shooting at Ultra Magnus, killing him)
Sean: (Narrating) Galvatron and the Decepticons kill Ultra Magnus and Galvatron takes the Matrix. Well, there goes another character down. Let's move on, shall we? Back with Kup and Hot Rod, things aren't looking well for them as we see them on trial and are about to get executed by the Sharkticons, but they manage to escape until the Dinobots crash the party and come in to save them.
Quintesson Judge (Voiced by the late Regis Cordic): Sharkticons, execute them!
(The Sharkticons transform as Grimlock stomps his foot on the ground)
Grimlock: Me Grimlock say execute *them*!
(The Sharkticons think about it for a second, then attack the Quintessons)
Kup: I think the problems on this planet will be solved very shortly.
"Worst. Minions. Ever." Sean said, imitating the Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons.
Sean: (Narrating) Back on the planet Junkion, the other Autobots are lost without the Matrix or Ultra Magnus leading them until they are attacked by Eric Idle and the junk robots, this time to Dare to Be Stupid by Weird Al Yankovich.
(The Junkions begin to attack the Autobots while "Dare to Be Stupid" performed by Weird Al Yankovich plays in the background)
"Okay, this movie is getting weird. You have a Weird Al song playing in the movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, their attack has been interrupted by the arrival of Hot Rod and his friends in a ship that look like a dildo or a drill. A drilldo?
"Is it something that Dana DeArmond used on herself in a video? Oh, my God. My perverted mind. I need to stop watching porn movies." Sean chuckled.
Hot Rod: (Speaking in the universal greeting to Wreck-Gar and the Junkions) Bah weep gragnah weep nini bong.
(We see the translation on-screen: "Casper is an underrated movie.")
Wreck-Gar: Bah weep gragnah weep nini bong.
Hot Rod: Bah weep gragnah weep nini bong.
Wreck-Gar: Bah weep gragnah weep nini bong!
Junkions: Bah weep gragnah weep nini bong!
(We see the Autobots and the Junkions dancing while "Dare to Be Stupid" continues to play)
Sean then looks on with a blank expression on his face as he pulls out a bottle of whiskey and starts drinking it.
"Okay, that must be the weirdest thing that I have ever seen in my life. And yes, I needed a drink for that. It's fifty shades of weirdness right there. I mean come on, at least it's not John Tuturro getting peed on by Bumblebee." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, the Junkions are now friendly and they put Ultra Magnus together. Wow, this makes Optimus' death even more a slap in the face and yet Ultra Magnus gets blown into pieces and that was way fatal. Also, why couldn't Galvatron just vaporize him like he did with Starscream. So, they all head out in their ships to destroy Unicron. Meanwhile, Galvatron returns to Unicron with the Matrix and wears it around his neck like bling.
"Um, MC Galvatron is in the house?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Galvatron tries to use the Matrix on Unicron but he is unable to open it, which Unicron is not pleased.
Unicron: You underestimate me, Galvatron.
(The planet Unicron begins to transform in front of a shocked Galvatron. We cut back to Sean as we see him reacting to Unicron's transformation)
"Holy shit." Sean mouthed quietly.
(We see that Unicron transforms into his robot mode)
Unicron: For a time, I considered sparing your wretched planet Cybertron. But now, you shall witness… its DISMEMBERMENT!
(Unicron flies towards Cybertron)
Galvatron: NOOO!
"That is the coolest thing EVER!" Sean yelled.
(Clips from the Transformers show and the movie are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, now we've come to the core on what the concept of the Transformers is. We see how far the imagination can go. In the cartoon, we see robots turning into cars, planes and stuff. Okay, that's pretty cool. What else? How about dinosaurs and giant insects? Again, cool. What about Transformers turning into a pistol? Okay, now that's getting crazy. You have robots turning into bigger robots. How how much awesome can this get? And then you have a planet that turns into a robot. That is brilliant!
"Hey, it's a good thing I still have my Transformers: Armada Unicron toy. Unicron is awesome!" Sean exclaimed.
"So, he's the Transformers version of Galactus?" Brian asked.
"Yep, that's correct." Sean said.
Springer (Voiced by Neil Ross): I don't believe it.
Hot Rod: Doesn't this remind you of anything, Kup?
Kup: Nope, I've never seen anything like this before.
Sean: (Narrating) The Autobots and the Decepticons team up to fight Unicron. Hot Rod and his friends make their way inside Unicron but he gets separated from them and he runs into Galvatron, who tries to strike an alliance with him, but he's forgetting that he's still Unicron's bitch.
(Shrill noises and bright lights surround Galvatron)
Unicron: Destroy him, Galvatron *now* or you, yourself will be obliterated.
Galvatron: Of course, my master.
"Yeah, he still has Directive 4 in his systems. Can't believe that I referenced RoboCop in this review." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) While Hot Rod and Galvatron fight, Daniel and the other Autobots make their way into some kind of smelting chamber, otherwords Unicron's digestive system, and this movie gives us some more victims to the list of character deaths.
(One robot falls into the smelting pit and melts)
"Okay, I've never seen this before in my life, Orson Welles playing a picky eater." Sean said.
(A clip from The Critic is shown)
Orson Welles (Voiced by Maurice LaMarche): (Eats a fish stick) Yes! Oh, YES! They're even BETTER raw!
Sean: (Narrating) But Daniel manages to keep other characters from getting digested, including his dad. Well, their toys are still selling. So, we've got to keep them alive. Meanwhile, Hot Rod and Galvatron are still fighting and it looks like Galvatron has the upper hand.
Galvatron: (While choking Hot Rod with his hands) Die, Autobot. First Prime, then Ultra Magnus, and now you. It's a pity you Autobots die so easily, or I might have a sense of satisfaction now.
We then cut to Sean, who's seen choking himself with his hands.
"Can't… breathe… gonna…." Sean said as he moves his hands away from his throat. "Wait a minute. I'm a robot, I can't breathe!"
Sean: (Narrating) But then Hot Rod manages to get his hands on the Matrix.
(The song "The Touch" plays as Hot Rod gets his hands on the Matrix)
Optimus Prime: Arise, Rodimus Prime.
Hot Rod: Optimus…
Sean: (Narrating) Well, it turns out that Hot Rod is chosen by the Matrix to be the next Prime. He takes care of Galvatron and he then opens the Matrix, which causes a chain reaction which destroys Unicron.
Unicron: (His last words) Destiny… you cannot… destroy… my… DESTINY!
(Unicron explodes)
Sean: (Narrating) With Unicron destroyed and the Decepticons defeated, the movie ends with the Autobots on their home Cybertron, where Hot Rod, now going by Rodimus Prime declaring a new era of peace and prosperity. Don't worry, guys. You have two seasons left. And the movie ends with Unicron's head floating in orbit around Cybertron.
"And that was Transformers: The Movie and this is how you do a Transformers movie the right way!" Sean exclaimed as he points at the camera.
(Clips from the movie are shown again while "The Touch" plays again)
Sean: (Narrating) What can I say about this movie? This is Transformers at it's pure glory. Although, I have a little problems with it. I would've preferred that the other characters got more screentime so that new audiences could connect with them before they were killed off. And the plot isn't as perfect as it could be but it was still good. The new characters are still enjoyable, the story is epic and the animation is amazing. Plus, I would just like to say that the music is epic as well. This is a movie that deserved it's cult status and it's nostalgia. And this movie gives us a whole lot of Transformers. All in all, Transformers: The Movie is a pretty enjoyable movie to watch, coming in at 4 dead Autobots out of 5.
"Well, that's all the time we have for today. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, tune in next time when I…" Sean said, but gets interrupted when the whole room starts shaking. "What the hell was that?!"
"Sean! Sean, quick!" Dave yelled as he ran inside Sean's house.
"What? What is it?" Sean asked.
"You've got to see this. You're not going to believe it." Dave said as he runs out of the house.
Sean immediately gets up from off of the couch and heads outside. He notices Dave looking up at the sky and begins to look up at it, noticing the evil Unicron getting ready to devour Earth.
"Oh, my God. I don't believe it. It's Unicron." Sean said.
"What's Unicron doing here?" Dave asked.
"I don't know. But we've only got a few minutes before he devour the entire planet." Sean said.
"Well, what can we do?" Dave asked.
"Wait right here. I've got a better idea." Sean said as he heads back inside the house and runs upstairs to his office. As he enters his office, Sean runs over toward his desk, looking underneath it to find a mysterious black box that was sitting underneath his desk. The young critic grabs the box and quickly heads outside with it. "Okay, I got it. This'll put an end to Unicron's reign of terror."
"What is that?" Dave asked, looking at the mysterious black box. "Is the Matrix of Leadership inside the box?"
"Nope. Something much more powerful that will destroy Unicron. The fate of the world depends on us." Sean said as he puts on his sunglasses and hands Dave another pair. "Here, put these on."
"What for?" Dave asked as he puts the sunglasses on his face.
"You don't want this to blind you. Are you ready?" Sean asked.
"Ready as I'll ever be." Dave said.
"Here it goes. Hey Unicron, you hungry? Well, eat this!" Sean yelled out.
(Sean opens the box as a beam of light heads straight up towards Unicron, hitting his mouth)
Unicron: Destiny… you cannot… destroy… my… DESTINY!
(Unicron explodes as his head flies off of his body. This explosion causes Sean and Dave to get knocked down on the ground)
"Whoa. Did it work?" Dave asked as him and Sean got up from off of the ground.
"I… I think it did." Sean said.
"Man, what was in that box anyway?" Dave asked.
"The Transformers sequels. See, here I thought I was protecting the world from them. But in the end, they end up protecting us." Sean said.
"I guess Michael Bay's Transformers were useful to us." Dave said.
"Yeah, you're right. Thank you, Michael Bay." Sean said.
"So, now that the day is saved, what are you going to do next?" Dave asked.
"I'm going to take a break, relax, watch a good movie while drinking a nice mug of A&W root beer." Sean said. "Want to join me?"
"Sure, why not." Dave said as he heads back to the house with Sean. "So what movie are we watching?"
"The Rock." Sean said.
"Wait, is that the movie about the wrestler?" Dave asked.
"No, it's with Sean Connery and Nicolas Cage." Sean said.
"Oh, that movie. Didn't Michael Bay direct that movie?" Dave asked.
(The camera pans up to the sky before cutting to space, where we see Unicron's head floating in orbit around Earth)
Unicron: That was the most disgusting thing I've ever eaten. (Burps)
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Aw, shit, what are we gonna do now?
And that was the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. I hope that you all enjoyed the review of Transformers: The Movie and that little reference at the end. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean goes back to his childhood when he reviews one of his favorite movies of all time while he was growing up, 1994 movie The Little Rascals. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. If you have any requests for a movie or a television show to review (old or new) let me know in the comments or PM me. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.