The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another great chapter of The Mayhem Critic and today, I really wanted to review this one and rip it a new one. Today, Sean the Mayhem Critic is going to be reviewing the 1984 superhero movie Supergirl. A movie so notoriously bad, that Sean J. Archer will end up having a complete meltdown from it. But to keep him in check, his girlfriend Taylor is going to join him for the review because by god he's gonna need the help he can get. Well, let's take a look at the crazy movie that came out before the hit TV show. Sit back, relax and enjoy the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Supergirl is owned by DC Comics and TriStar Pictures.
Episode Eighty-Eight
Supergirl
It was a warm Thursday afternoon and the sun was shining brightly. Not a cloud in the sky. But a dark cloud looms over a certain movie critic. We see our favorite movie critic Sean J. Archer a.k.a. The Mayhem Critic, sitting on the couch in his living room. The critic has his head down on the coffee table, speechless to say his usual introduction. After a few seconds, he points up at the ceiling, cueing the theme music of today's movie.
(The title card of Supergirl is shown while the theme music composed by Jerry Goldsmith starts playing. Then, a scene from The Sopranos starts playing)
Tony Soprano (Played by James Gandolfini): You motherfuckers. You motherfuckers! You know I don't fuckin' deserve this.
Sean then leans up to the camera looking very angry and disgruntled, saying with seething anger, "I sooooooooooooo hate you all. And before you even ask yourself: 'Hey Sean, ain't you supposed to introduce yourself by saying your favorite opening catchphrase into every Mayhem Critic video?' Well, I normally would like every single fucking day, but nope. You all ain't getting it. Not from me. Not this time. And you absolutely want to know WHY I'm pissed off to the goddamn bone? Well, I'll tell you why..."
Sean then stays silent for a good seven seconds before he pulls out the Supergirl movie and yelled angrily, "THIS IS WHY!"
(Clips of the 1984 movie "Supergirl" plays in a montage.)
Sean: (Narrating) My god, this is gonna be a trainwreck. But anyway, "Supergirl" or as I would call it, "The Worst Damn Superhero Movie I've Ever Seen or Heard to Existence", was released by TriStar Pictures in the summer of July 19, 1984. It was directed by Jeannot Szwarc, who is pretty much best known for directing a movie I've reviewed in the past, "Santa Claus: The Movie", which is considered to be so-bad-it's-good for a Christmas movie in my opinion. But Supergirl?
"Yeah, I got nothing to talk about this one." Sean shook his head, "But if I were to at least explain this film in three simple words, I would... hmmm..."
Sean then looked to the left and said, "Super Humman, can you help me out here?"
(A clip of Super Humman's Butt Buster Onto Barbwire Wheelbarrel plays.)
Super Humman: FUCK THIS SHIT!
(Super Humman leaps off the bench and crashes down into the barbed-wire wheelbarrow, screaming in pain.)
"Ah, thank you very much." Sean replied before looking to the camera very angrily, "What Super Humman just said explains this exact piece of shit-covered kryptonite. It was ripped apart by both fans and critics so much that the film was literally nominated for every kind of Razzie known to man, from Worst Actor to Worst Actress. It's even rated 9% percent at Rotten Tomatoes, and it is a saint compared to the movie that got rated at zero fucking percent, Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas! And no, I am STILL not gonna review it as I said from that Clue review a while back. I don't even care if you kidnap me out of this damn house I live in, I will never review it for as long as I shall live! Heck, you can torture me with my pecs pinned to jumper cables, and I will still never review it. And you want to know something, I would rather dive in that barbed-wire wheelbarrow like Super Humman instead, because trust me, that would be way more fun than watching this 2-hour piece of puke-covered fuck!"
Sean then attempted to calm himself down by letting out a deep breath all before saying to the camera with a smile, "And to help me out, I've decided to invite my girlfriend Taylor to help me not lose my sanity!"
"Hi, everybody." Taylor said while waving to the camera. "I cannot believe that you're reviewing this movie. Remember the last time you reviewed something Superman-related. Shall I bring up Superman IV?"
"God, please don't. Anything but that." Sean said.
Taylor: (Narrating) Now, I know that you're all are wondering, 'Taylor, why isn't Sean reviewing Superman III? That one was waaaaaaay worse.'. Well, he'll save that one for another time. He feels that he should review this one.
Sean: (Narrating) You know that a lot of critics have some things to say about this movie. Here's what a few people said about the movie. Here's what General Aladeen said about this movie.
(A clip from The Dictator is shown)
Sean: (V/O as Gen. Aladeen) People of Wadiya. I come before you to tell you that we have obtained a copy of the movie "Supergirl". A movie so horribly bad that we will use it on out enemies and to use this movie as a means to torture. You might think that this is harsh, but it's not. Supergirl will make the Americans die a slow, painful death.
Sean: (Narrating) Hell, here's what the intelligent governor of Ohio Mike DeWine said about the movie.
(Footage from Mike DeWine's press conference is shown)
Sean: (V/O as Mike DeWine) This movie is much dangerous than COVID-19. We will extend the stay-at-home order to June 15th. If you happen to come across this movie on television, I suggest that you don't expose your family members or your friends or your pets to the film. The people who did the film should get pushed off of the Carew Tower.
Taylor: (Narrating) And to top it all off, here's what Regime Superman said. And trust me, he had a lot of things to say about his cousin.
(We cut to Sean, who's dressed as Regime Superman, standing in front of the podium as he begins his press conference in the Fortress of Solitude. P.S.: It's the Fortress of Solitude from Injustice 2)
Sean: (as Superman) Thank you all for coming. After I heard the news that my cousin made the movie. And when I saw her movie, I was horrified. I haven't been this horrified since the death of Lois and my unborn child. I would just like to let you all know that when I find my cousin Kara, I will personally deal with her. She will pay for making that abomination of a film. She will suffer the same painful and excruciating death like The Joker. Or she will be sent to the Phantom Zone or die at the hands of Darkseid on Apokolips.
"Yeah, that's how extremely bad this movie is." Taylor said.
"You know what, since Taylor and I are reviewing the movie, we're going to try to get through this movie as quick and humanly possible. The keyword is try." Sean said.
(The movie begins as the opening credits are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) So we open with…
(The opening credits are shown, resembling what looks like ice sculptures skating across the screen, while psychedelic colors swirl in the background before we cut back to Sean and Taylor looking on in surprise)
"Whoa." Taylor said.
"Maybe I was wrong." Sean said.
(The opening credits continue while the "Supergirl" theme composed by Jerry Goldsmith plays)
"Boy, these opening credits are something." Sean said with a smile on his face. "In fact, they're actually awesome."
"And to top it off, the amazing score from Jerry Goldsmith." Taylor said.
Sean: (Narrating) Fun fact: the opening credits almost cost $1 million to shoot.
"You know, with the opening credits and Goldsmith's music score, it gets you really pumped up for the action. But then you realize that you're going to sit through two hours of bullshit after this!" Sean exclaimed.
(We open on Argo City)
Taylor: (Narrating) We open on a distant world known as Argo City. For those of you who haven't read the comics before, Argo City is supposedly a fragment of Krypton which was destroyed and we're introduced to the man who developed this weird-looking utopia named Zaltar, played by Peter O'Toole.
Kara Zor-El (Played by Helen Slater): Oh, it is beautiful. What's that gonna be, Zaltar?
Zaltar (Played by Peter O'Toole): I think… a tree.
"He went from starring in Lawrence of Arabia and being nominated for an Academy Award for best actor and he's starring in this godforsaken film?" Taylor asked. "Boy, I'm glad that he starred in The Last Emperor."
Sean: (Narrating) So we're then introduced to Superman's cousin Kara, played by Helen Slater in her feature film debut, and I know that this takes place in the same universe and I have just one little question: where the hell was she in Superman II? (Clips from Superman II are shown as we see General Zod, Ursa and Non causing some mayhem in Metropolis) You have three of your own people terrorizing Metropolis and making the President of the United States kneel before him and to top it off, beating the crap out of Superman. You know that I'm right!
Taylor: (Narrating) Anyway, Kara longs to go to Earth where her cousin Superman is.
Zaltar: Didn't you study six-dimensional geometry at school? Do they not teach anything anymore?
Kara Zor-El: Well, of course they do. I know the equations. I just can't see them in my head.
"Chicks and math, am I right?" Sean asked, with a smirk on his face as Taylor turned to him.
"What about chicks and math?" Taylor asked, glaring at her boyfriend and raising her eyebrow at him before crossing her arms.
"Uh… uh… uh… nothing. Women are great mathematicians." Sean said, chuckling a bit
"That's what I thought. You keep on and you're going to find yourself sleeping on the couch and getting no action." Taylor said.
Sean: (Narrating) Zaltar explains to Kara that their city has two power sources and we see that he has a hold of called the Omegahedron. Omegahedron? Doesn't that just roll off the tip of your tongue? Anyway, he keeps it in his pocket…
Zaltar: (Holding up the Omegahedron) I borrowed it.
"In other words, he stole it." Sean said.
Zaltar: No, borrowed it… for the afternoon.
"Riiiiiiiight." Sean said.
"He stole it." Taylor said.
Taylor: (Narrating) So, what does he use it for? Who know? Maybe for some stupid shit, like making wristwatches. Because who knows, Kara might want to look stylish when she goes to Earth. And is it just me or does the orange wand look like an orange vibrating dildo?
Zaltar: (Giving the wand to Kara) Let your imagination explode and give it a try! Go on.
(Kara runs off with the wand. She then sits down and puts the wand in between her legs)
"Uh… her imagination? How much is she supposed to be using her imagination? I can think of one place on her body that she can make explode. Um, if I want to watch Supergirl playing with herself, I'd rather watch the xxx porn parody of Supergirl with Alanah Rae as Supergirl and Sunny Lane as Barbara Gordon. Hell, I would watch their solo scene in the movie and have a good wank from it right now than watching this stupid movie!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Just to see how stupid Zaltar is, he kicks the Omegahedron over to Kara as she takes pleasure in taking glowing orange vibrating wand on top of the ball that she's holding in her hand.
"Sounds like the amazing sex that we had last night." Taylor said.
"Taylor!" Sean exclaimed. "No, need to talk about what we did in the bedroom. Hell, I turned into Nick Manning in the bedroom and you were like Lily Carter."
"Are you comparing me with Lily Carter? I thought that I was like Abigail Mac." Taylor said.
"Yeah, a bit of both." Sean said. "Okay, back to the film. I think that this movie was supposed to be a porno. Just listen to the dialogue while you have your eyes closed and just visualize."
(We see that the screen is black and we hear the dialogue)
Zaltar: Put your fingers here, Kara, and press hard./ Let your imagination explode and give it a try!
"Okay, tell me that they're not trying to do a porno! Does that sound like lines that should be in a porn?" Sean asked.
"Wait a minute, were you watching Supergirl XXX on your laptop?!" Taylor asked.
"No!" Sean exclaimed.
"Let me check your history." Taylor said.
"Forget it, my history is cleared." Sean said.
Then, Taylor grabbed Sean's laptop and checked his folder, only to find a collection of lesbian porn, Brazzers and Reality Kings porn and solo porn videos along with webcam porn videos.
"Can you explain this?" Taylor asked, showing Sean the video collection.
"Goddamn it. I told Dave not to put porn on my laptop. I don't know what he was thinking. You're right it was me. It was for fanfic ideas and ideas for you and me in the bedroom. And fantasy purposes for if I have a threesome with you and Izzy." Sean smirked.
"Wait, our neighbor Izzy? Why her?" Taylor asked.
"Let's move on!" Sean said.
Taylor: (Narrating) While Zaltar is busy talking to Kara's mother Alura, played by Mia Farrow, Kara continues to play around with the Omegahedron, until she accidentally punctures a hole in the wall, causing the power source to get sucked out. Well, great. Argo City is doomed now.
(Kara starts getting sucked through the hole as well)
Kara Zor-El: NO!
Zor-El (Played by Simon Ward): (Terrified) Kara!
Sean and Taylor start chuckling a bit from the horrendous acting from the movie.
"What was that?" Taylor asked.
"Man, that is the worst reaction I have ever seen in my life." Sean said.
Zor-El: Kara!
"Acting!" Sean yelled out, imitating Zor-El.
Sean: (Narrating) Zaltar seals up the hole in the wall and he gets bitched at by Kara's father Zor-El, played by the late Simon Ward, respectively.
Zor-El: (Accusingly) You took the Omegahedron!
Zaltar: That's not correct, I lost the Omegahedron.
Kara Zor-El: No, Father. I did…
Zaltar: Shh, Kara.
Zor-El: No matter who. Without it this city can't survive more than a few days.
"Oh, my God! You've doomed us all. Can't you tell by the sheer terror on my face? The apocalypse is nigh. Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies. Rivers and seas boiling. Forty years of darkness, earthquakes, volcanoes. The dead rising from the grave. Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together. Mass hysteria." Sean said in a nonchalantly tone.
Taylor: (Narrating) Feeling responsible for losing the Omegahedron, Kara sneaks into that weird shell thingy and escapes Argo City so she can try to follow it and save the planet.
Zaltar: (Seeing Kara about to go through the binary chute) Kara! (Runs after it)
Sean: (V/O as Zaltar) Stop her! She's getting away!
Taylor: (V/O as Alura) Kara, wait! You forgot your lunch!
Zor-El: You lunatic!
Alura (Played by Mia Farrow): She'll be killed.
"Uh, why are you against this? Okay, in Superman: The Movie, Jor-El sent his son Kal-El to Krypton because their planet is doomed and he didn't want him to suffer the same fate as them. He left because he had no choice. In this one, it's like she's doing it as some kind of some rebellious teenage act." Taylor said.
Zor-El: No one can leave Argo City and you know it.
Taylor: (V/O as Kara) Oh, yeah? We'll see about that. That's for not letting me date that cute Argonian boy, Dad!
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, while Kara travels from inner space to outer space, Zaltar is sure that she'll be safe going through the binary chute, he has a different fate planned for himself.
Zaltar: I've lost the Omegahedron. I must be sent to the Phantom Zone. Your suffering will be short. Mine… forever.
"The Phantom Zone? Well, I'm sure it's not that bad. Hmm, I wonder what it's like." Sean said as he picks up the remote to aim at the camera.
(We cut to a clip from the 2004 Joel Schumacher version of The Phantom of the Opera, starring Gerard Butler and Emmy Rossum singing "The Phantom of the Opera")
"AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" Sean screams as he readies himself to flip back.
(Channel changes to the 1989 horror version of The Phantom of the Opera starring Robert Englund. In the clip we see the Phantom, played by Englund, removing his mask off of his face. P.S.: his mask is made from human skin stitched to his face. He rips off the rest of his mask and screams in pain)
"AAAHHHHHHH! CHANGE IT BACK!" Taylor screamed, snatching the remote out of Sean's hand and changing back to the movie.
(Channel flips back to the movie as we see Kara going traveling through the binary chute before cutting to Earth, where we seen Selena having a picnic with her boyfriend Nigel in the park)
Taylor: (Narrating) While Kara is going from inner space to outer space while re-enacting the tunnel scene from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, we cut to Earth and we're introduced to the villain, I mean villainess, of the movie named Selena…
(A picture of Selena Gomez is shown)
Taylor: (Narrating) No, not her.
(A picture of Michelle Pfieffer as Catwoman from Batman Returns is shown)
Tayor: (Narrating) You wish. Nope, Selena is played by Mommie Dearest herself Faye Dunaway and we see her having a romantic picnic with her boyfriend Nigel, played by the late Peter Cook.
Sean: (Narrating) More like sidedick.
Taylor: (Narrating) Sean!
Selena (Played by Faye Dunaway): It's such a pretty world. I can't wait until it's all mine.
Nigel (Played by Peter Cook): The only way you can rule the world is to become invisible, my pumpkin.
Selena: Invisible? You'd almost know how to make me invisible.
"How about not being in this movie for a change?" Sean asked.
Nigel: Take five black beans and the head of a dead man, place one bean in his mouth, two beans in his eyes, then-
Selena: Nigel, enough.
"Hmm, beans to become invisible. Well, it turns out that I have five black beans and the head of a dead man." Sean said.
Taylor watches as Sean picks up the head of a dead man before placing one black bean in his mouth. Sean places two beans in the dead man's eyes and two in it's ears. Then all of a sudden, Sean vanishes right in front of Taylor, making her looked shocked that it actually worked.
"What the hell?!" Taylor said.
"Well, I'm invisible. Hey, it actually worked." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The Omegahedron comes plunging to Earth as Nigel and Selena make a run for it as it heads right for them, and then…
(The Omegahedron lands into a bowl of dipping sauce. The power source lands with a plop as Selena and Nigel, who had ducked out of the way behind a car, peek out from hiding)
"Wow, that was anticlimactic." Taylor said.
"Yeah, I was kinda hoping for a big-ass explosion to happen." Sean said.
(We see the Omegahedron landing into the bowl, then we see a nuclear explosion)
Taylor: (Narrating) Selena picks up the Omegahedron and becomes entranced by it. Oh, did we forget to mention that Selena is a witch? No? Well, I'm gonna mention it right now. Selena is a witch. Anyway, she takes the Omegahedron with her and decides to leave Nigel behind.
Selena: I've just outgrown you, Nigel. These things happen.
Nigel: You can't treat me like this, Selena. Without me you'd still be reading tea leaves at Lake Tahoe./You can't run out on me, Selena. (Holds up the car keys) I've got the keys, sweetheart.
"I've got the key to my sex dungeon. You can't turn down an eternity worth of BDSM, sweetheart." Sean said, imitating Nigel.
Man on Radio: The president confirmed reports that Superman has indeed embarked on a special peace-seeking mission…
"Oh, that's just great. They just had to advertise their own lame shit in this movie. Great job." Sean said as the poster for Superman IV: The Quest for Peace pops up in between him and Taylor.
"Hey, at least Superman Returns has a better backstory. But then again it had Kevin Spacey." Taylor said before shuddering in disgust.
(We cut to Kara, who's now in her Supergirl attire, still in Zaltar's ship)
Sean: (Narrating) And now, it's time for Supergirl to make her grand entrance. Hey, since Superman had his big entrance in the original film and it was a grand and epic one. I'm sure that Supergirl's is grand and epic as well.
(The ship opens up as Kara flies out of the water, completely dried)
"Okay, she just flew out of the water completely dried and you want to know something? I can see the damn wire pulling her up! Man, this is fifty shades of stupid." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, let me just say that the outfit looks silly. Granted, the Superman outfit looked silly but at least it was given to him at a specific time after he found out who he was.
"What the hell is her excuse to wear the outfit? To dress sexy?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) And the way that she flies out of the water looks ridiculous as well, I need to put the appropriate music for it.
(Kara, now as Supergirl, flies out of the water she landed in and rolls end over end through the air while the song "Believe It or Not" a.k.a. The Theme from The Greatest American Hero by Joey Scarbury starts playing)
(Supergirl lands on the shore as she observes her surroundings, then she picks up a rock and crushes it)
"Oh, great. She just killed Rocky." Sean said.
(Supergirl picks up a flower and uses her laser vision, making the flower bloom)
Taylor: (Narrating) And check this out, her heat vision makes flowers bloom. Uh, yeah. Pardon my French, but I call bullshit on that one. When you use heat vision, wouldn't that cause the flower to, you know? Uh, catch on fire?
"Did we mention that this movie is gonna suck?" Taylor asked.
(We then cut to Supergirl flying through the air, the scenery (stock footage) is obviously some front projection or a green screen effect)
Sean: (Narrating) We do get to see her flying through some awful green screen effects. Look, I know that this is 1984 but shouldn't visual effects look impressive. Hell, Superman: The Movie have better effects than this one and so does Superman II and Superman III to it's credit. Sometimes the effects for Supergirl's flying sequence looks good and with Jerry Goldsmith's music makes it a wonderful scene.
"I blame the opening title sequence. Shame on you, movie." Taylor said.
(We cut to Supergirl flying over some horses running through a field)
Sean: (Narrating) She then flies over her cousin's worst nightmare…. HORSES!
("Dun Dun Duuuuuuun" music plays in the background while a sound clip from Superman: The Movie plays featuring Superman screaming)
"Really?" Taylor asked.
"Sorry. I had to." Sean said.
(We see Supergirl flying over some horses and we get a lens flare shot while she's flying. P.S.: the lens flare is depicting sunlight)
Sean: (Narrating) And can we talk about this shot right here? It looks like somebody shined a desk lamp onto the camera lens. Is it supposed to be a lens flare? Did Steven Spielberg take over for Mr. Szwarc or did J.J. Abrams take over? I mean, look at it! It looks like a nuclear explosion!
(While Supergirl is flying over a bunch of galloping horses, the lens flare shines in front of the camera and an explosion sound effect starts playing)
Zor-El: You lunatic!
(We cut to Selena heading to her hideout, which is an abandoned amusement park)
Taylor: (Narrating) After those flying scenes with Supergirl, we cut to Mistress Selena at her hideout, which is an abandoned amusement park.
"An amusement park? That's the dumbest villain location I've ever seen in my life! That's like a place for The Joker to hide out in, not a witch." Taylor said.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that she has sidekick named Bianca, played by Brenda Vaccaro, and telling her about the bills and stuff but Selena has the Omegahedron, which means she doesn't have to deal with any payments and Nigel. Did we mention that Selena is a witch? Anyway, we then cut to Supergirl as she comes across the city of… Chicago?
"Wait a minute." Sean said, looking dumbfounded as he turns to his left and pulls the Supergirl movie poster over towards him and Taylor. We see that the poster clearly shows her flying in New York.
"What is it?" Taylor asked.
"Something's not right here. On the poster, it clearly shows her flying in New York and we see Lady Liberty in the background. So, why the hell is she in Chicago?" Sean asked as he pushes the poster away. "Okay, one moment she's on the poster flying through New York and then in the movie she's in Chicago. It's like looking at a Batman poster and seeing Batman in Chicago with Chicago being Gotham City but when you watch the movie, you'll see him in Cincinnati, with Cincinnati being Gotham City. You know what, screw you movie. Chicago doesn't need you. Chicago has The Dark Knight and…. The Dark Knight's lookin' pretty good right about now!"
(Supergirl's bracelet start glowing and beeping)
Sean: (V/O) Calling Dumb Tracy. Calling Dumb Tracy.
Taylor: (Narrating) She drops by the city and she comes across two truckers, one of them played strangely enough by Matt Frewer.
"Big Russ Thompson from Honey, I Shrunk the Kids playing a scumbag trucker? Yeah, I can see that happening." Taylor said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, the two truckers approach her and try to make a move on her.
Billy- Truck Driver (Played by Bill Mitchell, credited as Bill McAllister): What do they call this place, Eddie? Lover's Lane, isn't it?
Eddie- Truck Driver (Played by Matt Frewer): You got it in one, Billy boy. Lovers' Lane.
(Billy walks around behind Supergirl)
Billy- Truck Driver: Check out the view from back here, Eduardo. (He lifts up Supergirl's cape to get a good look at her) Ah!
(Supergirl gets infuriated and slaps his hand away)
Supergirl: Stop that!
"That's sexual harassment here and I don't have to take it." Sean said, imitating Supergirl
(We see the caption "Sexual Harassment Violates You And It Violates The Law" on the screen. A reference to the Sexual Harassment PSA from 1993)
Taylor: (V/O as Female Announcer) Sexual harassment violates you and it violates the law.
Billy- Truck Driver: We're out looking for a good time. And you just won the brass ring, baby.
Supergirl: Why are you doing this?
Eddie- Truck Driver: It's just the way we are.
"We're just scumbags in a superhero movie about to be a bunch of pigs to a sexy hot blonde." Taylor said, imitating Eddie.
(Supergirl blows Eddie with her super breath, sending him flying)
"Well, Max Headroom got his wish. He got a hot chick to blow him." Sean said as a comedic rimshot plays in the background.
"Really? A dirty joke?" Taylor asked.
"Deal with it, babe." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So after watching Supergirl blowing his friend, the other scumbag decides to pull a knife out on her and he ends up regretting it when she uses her heat vision to make the knife hot and burn his hand.
Billy- Truck Driver: Oh, I see. You really wanna play games, eh, sweetheart?
"Buddy, she just blew your friend away, it's time for you to run for your life." Taylor said.
(Supergirl kicks the other guy with such force that it sends him flying)
Sean: (V/O as Billy) Why didn't I get blown like my friend here?!
Billy- Truck Driver: Eddie, I think maybe we should kinda keep this to ourselves. What do you think?
(Eddie nods his head and agrees with Billy)
"I think I should be respectful to women right now. I'm going home and sleep with Buffy Summers' mother." Sean, imitating Eddie as a picture of Kristine Sutherland as Joyce Summers pops up.
(The scene cuts to a fancy party that Selena and Nigel are throwing, the party has a bunch of grotesque decorations)
Taylor: (Narrating) We then cut to some kind of party that Selena and Nigel are throwing that is filled with middle-aged people partying. What the hell was the writer on? This party looks like a mix between the set of The Rocky Horror Picture Show and The Worst Witch. I swear, if Tim Curry pops up and starts singing…
(A clip from The Worst Witch is shown as we see the Grand Wizard, played by Tim Curry, singing the song "Anything Can Happen on Halloween")
The Grand Wizard (Played by Tim Curry): (Singing) Anything can happen on Halloween. Your dog could turn into a cat. There may be a toad in the bass guitar or your sister could turn into a bat. Christmastime brings us snow. Summertime brings us snow. But on Halloween, your blood begins to run. Something's spooky's going down now.
Selena: (To Nigel) Go mix. Leave me to my thoughts.
Nigel: Go mix? With these people? You must be mad. Who are they? Wrinkly little wretches.
Selena: These are my foot soldiers, Nigel. My army of the night. I'm considering nothing less than world… domination.
"Having a bunch of old people by your side to do your bidding? Yeah, I can see that you can rule the world, lady." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Nigel has enough of Selena's shit about ruling the world as he goes over to the woman who had a grapefruit smashed in her face from Superman III.
"Yes, that's the same actress. Sandra Dickinson is her name." Sean pointed out.
Sean: (Narrating) He then hits on her, which pisses Selena, so she tests out her newfound powers to…
(Selena turns the pineapple into a scorpion as the female partygoer puts it in her mouth and screams as Selena lifts her into the air. The female partygoer is turned upside-down on her head, with her dress falling down over her head, revealing her panties underneath and her legs spread out. Then, Selena spins the partygoer around in circles)
"What the…?" Taylor said, looking dumbfounder.
"Okay, I haven't seen an attractive blonde getting turned upside-down with her legs spread wide like that since Abigail Mac was doing Vanessa Veracruz in a Reality Kings video." Sean said. "Hell, I thing I had Taylor in that position while I was ea…"
"Enough of that!" Taylor exclaimed.
Nigel: Stop it, Selena! That's not fair. Pick on me.
"Pick on me! I want to be your love slave." Sean said, imitating Nigel.
Taylor: (Narrating) The next day, Supergirl finds herself near some girl's school and in an attempt to fit in…
(As she walks by several trees, Supergirl's outfit changes and her hair too)
"I'm sorry, that's a bowlful of stupid. In fact, that's a second helping of stupidity right there." Taylor said.
Taylor: (Narrating) Anyway, she masquerades as a student and applies for the school. I'm sorry, but shouldn't you be out there trying to find the power source to save your entire race? What is it that Zor-El said earlier in the movie?
Zor-El: Without it, this city can't survive more than a few days.
"What he said." Taylor pointed out.
Taylor: (Narrating) This is entirely pointless. Oh, and also her secret identity, she doesn't follow Superman's logic to wear glasses, instead she just dyes her hair. Now we know that Hannah Montana ripped this movie off!
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, she introduces herself to the dean of the school named Mr. Danvers, played by David Healy, who doesn't even recognize her.
Mr. Danvers (Played by David Healy): I have never before in my life laid eyes on you have I, young lady?
Kara: No, sir, I'm new here.
Mr. Danvers: New here? Well, obviously you're new here if I never laid eyes on you before. The question remains, just who on earth are you?
"She's Billie Jean Davy. Haven't you ever heard of the legend of Billie Jean?" Sean asked, referencing the 1985 movie starring Helen Slater.
(A picture of Helen Slater as the character Billie Jean is shown while the song "Invincible" performed by Pat Benetar starts playing)
Taylor: (Narrating) She tells Mr. Danvers that her name is Linda Lee and after Mr. Danvers leaves his office, she quickly types up a recommendation letter from her cousin Clark Kent. After she's accepted to the school, she is introduced to her roommate Lucy Lane, played by Maureen Teefy.
"Oh, she wouldn't happen to be related to...:" Taylor said.
Mr. Danvers: And your sister, what's her name? The one that's always calling me and bothering me?
Lucy Lane (Played by Maureen Teefy): Lois.
Mr. Danvers: Ah, yes, that's the one.
"Yeah, that's the most stupidest coincidence that I have ever seen in my life!" Sean shouted.
"That's right." Taylor said. "Imagine if oh, I don't know. Harleen Quinzell went to the same medical school as Pamela Isely or it's like Damian Wayne going to the same college as Andrea Beaumont's daughter. You got something else to tell us, movie? Are you going to let us know that Selena is related to Lex Luthor? You know, we're three films in and Lois never even mentioned that she had a sister!" Taylor yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) And just to add insult to injury, Lucy has a poster of Superman in her dorm room. Well, this is as close as a cameo from Christopher Reeve that you're gonna get.
Linda Lee: Do you know him?
Lucy Lane: Superman? Sure. My sister's got something goin' with the big guy./He's a real character. A real hunk.
"Oh! Blow me, movie! Way to shoehorn Superman into this movie but the real reason why Christopher Reeve didn't want to appear in the movie is because he knew how shitty this movie's going to be!" Sean exclaimed.
Taylor: (Narrating) We then cut to Kara and Lucy in a math class that's being taught by Nigel. Oh, what a coincidence.
We cut to Sean and Taylor looking down at a bunch of bowls on the coffee table.
"Oh, that's right. Keep feeding us loads and loads of stupidity. We need more helpings." Taylor said.
Sean: (Narrating) And while Nigel is teaching a class, we cut to Selena and Bianca as they arrive at the school, until the two of them have their eyes on a hunky, shirtless groundskeeper by the name of Ethan, played by Hart Bochner, and start undressing him with their eyes while the Omegahedron starts glowing, which gives Selena an idea.
Selena: I know.
Bianca (Played by Brenda Vaccaro): Well, tell me.
Selena: My prince has come.
Bianca: Oh, no. I saw him first, Selena. That's not fair. I copied his number first.
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph. I don't believe this. I cannot believe this. This is a superhero movie, ladies and gentlemen. A superhero movie in which two middle-aged women are horny for a young stud! This is a DC movie where the supervillain and her sidekick are middle-aged women trying to get laid! This is the best they can come up with?!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (V/O as Selena) Oh, Bianca. I have an idea.
Taylor: (V/O as Bianca) What? What? Tell me.
Sean: (V/O as Selena) Let's watch Cagney & Lacey while we finger ourselves over Ethan.
Taylor: (V/O as Bianca) Hey, that's a swell idea.
"Look, if they do a porn parody of this movie they should have Kendra Lust as Selena and Cherie DeVille as Bianca and then have Lucas Frost as Ethan so they can do a threesome scene. Hell, I would rather watch that than this piece of shit movie. Hold on." Sean said as he picks up his phone to make a call. "Lucas, I have an idea. A porn parody of the movie Supergirl and I got the perfect cast for it."
(The Power Rangers wrist communicator sound effect starts playing while Kara's bracelet starts glowing)
Taylor: (Narrating) Kara's bracelet starts beeping and glowing again, sensing that the Omegahedron is near as she uses her x-ray vision to see Selena and Bianca driving off the premises. Kara tries to go out and leave but Nigel catches her. And being a strict teacher, he wants to see if she was paying attention.
Nigel: The answer, please. Pay attention, class, Miss Lee is about to enlighten us.
Linda Lee: Five billion, two hundred and seventy one million nine thousand and ten.
(The girls start laughing)
"Oh, a little smart aleck, aren't you? I would like to see you in class, Miss Lee." Sean said, imitating Nigel in a British accent before going back to his normal accent. "But seriously, though. Shouldn't you be out looking for the Omegahedron and save your entire race from dying instead of solving math equations in school?"
(A clip from Sorsha ranting about PewDiePie is shown)
Sorsha: What the fuck are you doing? Seriously, what the fuck are you doing?
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to Kara and Lucy playing cricket or soccer with a stick or I don't know what the hell that they're playing because I certainly don't care what sport that they're playing as two of the mean girls named Myra and Muffy, played by Robyn Mandell and Jenifer Landor, try to put Lucy out of commission until Kara sees the ball heading over to Lucy.
(Kara sees the ball heading over to Lucy as she runs over to her. She then throws herself over Lucy to block the ball, causing it break)
"Seriously? Were you trying to act like Clint Eastwood from In the Line of Fire? It's a ball, not a bullet! You could've just pushed her out of the way. No need to be dramatic." Taylor said.
Taylor: (Narrating) While enjoying a nice hot shower with the other girls, Kara uses her super hearing to overhear Myra and Muffy trying to disrupt their shower time and uses her x-ray vision and heat vision to foil their prank.
(The water pipes burst and water spray on Myra and Muffy)
Taylor: (V/O as Kara) Ha! That'll show them from trying to ruin my lesbian experience.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, we cut to Selena working on her deadly plan…
Selena: (While creating a potion) He who drinks the water shall be in love with the first person he sees. Uh, so long as the spider is shut up in the nutshell….
"A love spell. Her dastardly plan is to create a love spell that would make the person fall in love with her if he sees her. That's her motivation. That is stupid!" Sean yelled out.
"Can you imagine her at a villain seminar." Taylor said.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We open on a Villain Seminar at the Duke Energy Convention Center as we see Sean playing The Joker and Taylor playing Harley Quinn, Tamara Chambers playing Andrea Beaumont a.k.a. The Phantasm, Doug Walker as Lex Luthor, Malcolm Ray as Deadshot and Cami as Cheetah)
Sean: (as The Joker) So that's when I said, "The yolks on you, Batsy" and threw an egg at his face. (Laughs)
(They all laugh)
Doug: (as Lex Luthor, laughing) That is pretty funny, Joker.
Malcolm: (as Deadshot) Make it come out of my nose.
Taylor: (as Harley) Isn't my puddin' somethin'?
(Cheryl as Selena appears)
Cheryl: (as Selena) Hey, guys. What's up?
Sean: (Looks confused) I'm sorry, do we know you?
Cheryl: Yeah, I'm Selena.
Cami: (as Cheetah) Gomez?
Cheryl: No, not Selena Gomez.
Malcolm: Are you some kind of supervillain?
Cheryl: Yes, I am. I'm more than that. I'm a witch.
Tamara: (as the Phantasm) A witch?
Cheryl: Yes.
Taylor: Why haven't we've heard of you?
Cheryl: You've never heard of me?
(They all say no)
Cheryl: I put the guy from Die Hard under a love spell to make him fall in love with me.
Sean: Bruce Willis?
Cheryl: No, the other guy.
Cami: Alan Rickman?
Cheryl: No.
Malcolm: Carl Winslow?
Cheryl: No! Not him! Okay, I have the Omegahedron and I use it to make women turn upside down and spin around.
Doug: That doesn't ring a bell.
Cheryl: I created an invisible monster to kill Supergirl.
Sean: Nope. Still doesn't ring a bell.
Chery: Ugh! (Walks away)
Sean: Jeez, do you believe her?
Tamara: Wait a minute, didn't you kill my father and work for Salvatore Valestra?
Sean: Uh… yeah.
Tamara: (Takes off her mask) Oh, you're so going down, clown!
(Sean screams and runs away while Tamara chases him)
Taylor: Wait, he killed her father?
Doug: Yep.
Harley: Wow, that's cold blooded for him.
Tamara: Your angel of death awaits, fucker!
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) Ethan arrives at the madhouse of Madame Selena, and she sneaks the potion into his drink to see if the potion works, in which the potion takes effect. Next thing you know, Nigel shows up in front of Selena's doorstep and… (sees Nigel in some ridiculous outfit and laughs)
"Wha… wha… what the hell is he wearing?" Sean asked while laughing.
Nigel: This is a leisure suit.
"I don't care what it is, buddy. You still look fuckin' ridiculous." Sean said as he continues to laugh.
Taylor: (Narrating) The potion takes effect on Ethan as he wanders out of Selena's madhouse of horrors while Nigel begins to badmouth Selena and Bianca until Selena puts a spell on him.
Selena: If I had your skin problems, I'd stop bothering people, put a bag over my head, and go live under a bridge!
(Selena kicks Nigel in the shin)
Nigel: Ouch! There's nothing wrong with my skin. (Looks at a reflection of himself and sees that his face is covered with warts and boils) That bitch.
"Family friendly, my ass!" Taylor said.
"Yeah, like this is appropriate language for a PG movie for the whole family to watch." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Selena and Bianca see that Ethan has left their little madhouse until Selena finds him walking in a daze in her… magic mirror. Ripping off Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs much, movie?
(Bianca sees Ethan in the magic mirror)
Bianca: Oh. Too bad, there's no sound. How come there's no sound?
"That's because you're looking at a drugged-out Hart Bochner in the mirror, you ditz!" Taylor yelled out.
"Magic Mirror on the wall who's the fairest of them all?" Sean asked, talking to the Magic Mirror from Disney's Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
"You're talking about the movie Supergirl, aren't you?" The Magic Mirror asked.
"Uh… yeah." Sean said.
"Fuck this shit, I'm out!" The Magic Mirror said before vanishing.
After the Magic Mirror vanishes and the mirror shatters, not wanting to get involved with the review.
"Useless mirror. He still freaks me out." Sean said.
Taylor: (Narrating) So while Ethan is in town walking in a daze, Supergirl flies into town and changes into her Linda Lee disguise until she bumps into Lucy at Popeye's along with the only character from the Superman movies Jimmy Olsen, played by Marc McClure.
Lucy Lane: Oh, there's Linda.
(Linda heads out to say hi to Linda)
Lucy Lane: Hey, Linda! Hi.
Linda Lee: Oh, hello.
Jimmy Olsen (Played by Marc McClure): That's Clark Kent's cousin?
"No, that's Christy Wills from The Secret of My Success. Who the hell do you think it was?!" Taylor asked, shouting a bit.
(A picture of Helen Slater as the character Christy Wills from the 1987 Michael J. Fox movie The Secret of My Success is shown while the title song performed by Night Ranger starts playing)
"I would rather be watching that movie instead of this stupid movie. Night Ranger rules." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) As Kara meets with Lucy, they begin to notice a dazed-out Ethan walking in the middle of the road.
"I guess Hart Bochner is preparing for his role as Ellis in Die Hard in about four years." Sean said as a photo of Hart Bochner as the character Harry Ellis is shown.
Lucy Lane: (Sees Ethan) Look at that dingleberry.
Linda Lee: What's a dingleberry?
"Why don't you look up "dingleberry" in the dictionary. You'll see a picture of the movie being referred to as a dingleberry because it's hanging off the hair of Hollywood's smelly asshole." Taylor said as Sean's eyes widened in surprise as he turned to her.
"What did you just say?" Sean asked.
Realizing what she just said, Taylor just looks at the camera in shock.
"Oh, my God. So this is what it's like being you when you review a bad movie." Taylor said.
Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, Kara, Lucy and Jimmy have their little lunch break at Popeye's, Selena puts a spell on a construction vehicle to make it come to life so it could grab Ethan and bring him back.
(Ethan backs away from the advancing machine, but trips and falls. He then crawl on his hands and knees while the shovel continues to come right after him)
"Okay, this is getting pretty ridiculous. Yes, I know that steam shovel scene is ridiculous but I want to talk about. Well, it's a question that I want to ask. Wasn't there a certain power source that Supergirl should be out looking for right now? I mean, she's just taking her sweet-ass time by applying to a school, take math classes, befriend Lois Lane's sister and have lunch at Popeye's Chicken while her people are suffering from a slow and painful death! This is our heroine, ladies and gentlemen! She's letting her people die! I hope that chicken sandwich from Popeye's is worth it, you sadistic bitch!" Sean yelled out.
Taylor: (Narrating) So, the shovel grabs Ethan in a scene that is sillier than Superman getting drunk at a bar in Superman III, Lucy and her friends run out of Popeye's to see what's going on, so Lucy tries to stop the runaway construction machine.
(While trying to stop the steam shovel, Lucy ends up knocked out, somehow)
"Oh, my God!" Taylor exclaimed.
"How the fuck did that knock her out?" Sean asked.
(We cut back to Lucy getting knocked out)
Sean: (Narrating) Maybe she just fainted from the fumes.
"You know, sweetie. I just had a silly thought. Can you imagine someone fliping through the channels on TV and they land on an unconscious woman driving a steam shovel?" Sean asked.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see Sean entering the living room as he sits down on the couch. He then picks up the remote from off of the coffee table and start flipping through channel to channel)
Nostalgia Critic: A BAT CREDIT CARD?!
(TV static transitions to: Batman: Mask of the Phantasm on 5 Star Max)
Phantasm: Your angel of death awaits.
(TV static transitions to: Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace on TNT)
Anakin Skywalker: Are you an angel?
(TV static transitions to: Bill Cosby Coca-Cola commercial)
Bill Cosby: Ready to drink, Coca-Cola.
(TV static transitions to: Supergirl on HBO Family)
(Sean then sees an unconscious Lucy Lane behind the wheel of an out-of-control steam shovel)
Sean: What the? This is some weird shit that I'm watching. (Picks up the remote and changes the channel)
(TV static transitions to: Girlsway Twin Trap Part 1 featuring Carmen Caliente and Natalia Starr)
(Sean sees pornstars Carmen Caliente and Natalia Starr making out in a lesbian porn movie as a big smile appears on his face)
Sean: Now we're talkin'! I love lesbians.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Taylor: (Narrating) Eventually, Kara decides to…
(After seeing the steam shovel going out of control, Kara decide to do something as she uses her super speed and bumps into one of the Popeye's workers.
Linda Lee: Oh, excuse me. I'm in a rush.
"What the hell?! Nobody saw that?! She just used her super speed right in front of everybody! Didn't everybody notice this girl darting across the room?! Doesn't that kind of, oh you know, give away her goddamn identity right there? Great job at doing that, Kara. Great job." Taylor said, giving a thumbs up at the camera.
Taylor: (Narrating) So, anyway. Supergirl shows up and finally does some crimefighting… about time. And this catches the eyes of Laura Mars.
Bianca: A storm dragon?
Selena: A Supergirl.
"Boom! Title drop!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Supergirl catches up with the rogue shovel and grabs onto it by ripping the shovel off and flies Ethan away but abandons her friend who's unconscious and changes back into her normal clothes and when Ethan sees Linda, because of the love spell that he's under, he immediately falls in love with her.
Selena: Don't. Don't look at her.
(Ethan sees Linda)
Linda Lee: You're gonna be alright. There's no broken bones.
"Dammit! I had a joke lined up for this scene but because the Nostalgia Critic reviewed this movie before us, he used that joke first." Taylor said, rolling her eyes.
(Ethan smiles at Linda)
Ethan (Played by Hart Bochner): I love you.
Selena: What did he say? What did he say?
Bianca: Looked like "I love you", to me.
Selena: No! No!
We cut back to Sean, who breaks down laughing from Faye Dunaway's acting.
"Okay, how is Faye Dunaway nominated for a Razzie for Worst Actress? She's the best part of this movie, so far!" Sean exclaimed.
Taylor: (Narrating) So yeah, Ethan falls in love with Linda and reads cheesy love poems to her and the cinematographer Alan Hume needs to take it easy on the soft focus on the scene. Oh, yeah. He also kisses her. Sure she can't wipe his memory with a kiss like her cousin? Meanwhile, Bonnie and Johnny Bravo's mama put two and two together that Supergirl is one of Nigel's students.
Bianca: No. I don't think that at all.
Selena: Oh, she just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, right?
"The story of her life." Taylor scoffed.
Bianca: She's a wimpy little thing. I don't even know why you care what she does, anyway.
Selena: Because nobody gets in my way.
Bianca: Why don't you just leave this poor kid alone and worry about the other one that flies?
Selena: I worry about everything. It's my job. (Puts her hand up to Bianca's face) Stand back.
Bianca: Oh, come on now. She's just a teenager.
Selena: What good is a sword if it's not unleashed?
"Okay, first of all: Helen Slater was born in 1963, she was 21 at the time. And second: are you talking about my dick?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Selena unleashes an evil creature called the Shadow. (A poster for the 1994 film The Shadow is shown) No, not that one. She unleashes the creature to track down Supergirl and kill her. Back with Linda, she sits in her dorm room thinking about the kiss that Ethan gave and the fact that she enjoys it so much she…
(Linda practices kissing in the mirror)
"Okay!" Taylor shouted.
"What the heck?! Now, you're giving me ideas to give to Wicked Pictures, movie. A solo scene where Kiara Cole as Supergirl/Linda Lee explores her body. Who wrote this friggin' movie anyway?" Sean asked.
"David Odell." Taylor said.
"David Odell. Why does that name sound so familiar?" Sean asked.
(The poster for the 1987 movie Masters of the Universe is shown)
"OH, GOD!" Sean yelled out.
(Linda pulls the blinds up and opens the window, the Shadow creature, which is invisible, smashes through trees and through a shack)
Taylor: (Narrating) So, Linda transforms into Supergirl as she takes on this… invisible creature?
"Wait, wait, wait. What in the wide world of fuck is that?" Taylor asked in frustration. "She's fighting an invisible creature?! How stupid is that? This is Superman III and Superman IV: The Quest for Peace-levels of stupidity! What? They can afford to make decent-looking opening credits but they can't afford to have a budget to show the creature? The Salkinds are a bunch of cheap a-holes!"
Sean: (Narrating) Supergirl breaks off a lamppost and takes off to the air with it, getting it struck by lightning and uses it to zap the monster, killing it. And that pisses off Madame Selena some more.
Selena: (Throws a temper tantrum) Every time! Every time! Send a man to do a woman's job and that's what you get.
"Hey, as a man, I find that to be sexist. Also, did I mention that Faye Dunaway is the best part of the movie?" Sean asked with a smile on his face.
Taylor: (Narrating) Supergirl heads back into her dorm room and I simply just love this scene where the head of the dorm is at and she tells her to change into her school uniform. Yeah, changing hair color doesn't even suit her at all.
Mrs. Murray (Played by Nancy Lippold): (Sees Supergirl and confuses her as one of the students) Look at you. Look at those clothes.
Supergirl: Oh, I'll go change. I-I'm sorry.
Mrs. Murray: And you'll put on your proper school uniform. And get out of that ridiculous costume.
Supergirl: Yes, ma'am.
Mrs. Murray: And cover your legs!
Supergirl: Yes, ma'am.
(A clip from Little Fires Everywhere is shown)
Elena Richardson (Played by Reese Witherspoon): And if you want to be part of this family, and live in this house then you will go upstairs and put on the fucking Keds!
"Should've gotten yourself a pair of glasses." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Linda's bracelet starts flashing and beeping as she tracks down the location of the Omegahedron. She locates Selena's hideout, but then Ethan, who's still under the love spell, locates Linda.
Ethan: (Holding a bouquet of roses and a box of chocolates) Hello.
Linda Lee: Oh, no. Not now.
"I've got my eyes on Michael J. Fox. Please, leave me alone. I'm not interested in corrupt laughing councilmen." Taylor said, imitating Linda while a picture of Councilman Arthur Reeves from Batman: Mask of the Phantasm is shown.
"Linda, bubby. I'm your white knight." Sean said, imitating Ethan.
Taylor: (Narrating) Ethan escorts Linda to a bumper car ride and tries to romance her some more with some cheesy love lines.
Ethan: Your soft caress did at once renew the beating of this broken heart.
Linda Lee: Are you crazy?
"Well, he is Hart Bochner. He tends to play every douchebag character in a movie." Sean said.
(We see a montage of photos of different characters that Hart Bochner played in movies: Rod from Breaking Away, Ellis from Die Hard, Niles Pender from Mr. Destiny, Arthur Reeves from Batman: Mask of the Phantasm, Professor Solomon from Urban Legends: Final Cut and Frankie Dade from Break Up)
Sean: (Narrating) But before Linda and Ethan could kiss, Selena shows up to cockblock Linda as she uses her powers to start the ride. Okay, I would just like to clarify that this is a middle-aged woman doing this for a piece of male ass! Anyway, Supergirl files off without Ethan as Selena teleports him to a bumper car ride with killer bumper cars trying to run him over. And Selena uses her powers to make Supergirl feel her wrath.
(Selena makes many clones of herself and uses them to surround Supergirl)
"Ooh, she can make clones of herself by using very bad visual effects. Who the hell does she think she is, Manos? Well, more like Womanos." Sean said.
"Can you imagine her as the villain in Superman IV instead of Nuclear Man? Well, with that hair and those fingernails, Nuclear Man looks more like a woman." Taylor said.
(A clip from Superman IV: The Quest for Peace is shown as we see Nuclear Man roaring)
Taylor: (Narrating) But Supergirl manages to make a makeshift cage to trap Selena. Well, I guess you could say that she put her behind bars. (Comedic drum riff plays)
Selena: Now I am really upset.
"She stole my boy toy. That bitch." Sean said, imitating Selena.
(We cut to Supergirl carrying Ethan in a bumper car through the city while the sun rises)
Sean: (Narrating) So, Supergirl carries Ethan in a bumper car that's shaped like Cincinnati Bengals quarterback Joe Burrow…
"Oh, my God. I have seen some ridiculous, silly shit in my time and that certainly takes the cake." Sean said.
(We cut to a clip of the Superman/Lois flying scene from Superman: The Movie)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, remember how romantic the flying scene between Superman and Lois Lane was in the original Superman movie. You have them flying through Metropolis while John Williams' amazing music score plays in the background? That was a wonderful, romantic scene that we all enjoy. But in this one, you have Supergirl carrying Ethan around in a bumper car through the air while Jerry Goldsmith's music score is playing in the background.
"Excuse me for a second." Sean said as he gets up from off of the couch.
"Where are you going?" Taylor asked.
"I have to go meet Kaisha down by the block." Sean said.
"Kaisha? You don't know anybody named Kaisha. Wait a minute, "Kaisha" is the name of Christopher's imaginary black girlfriend from The Sopranos. Are you trying to go to a bar and get drunk?! Excuse me." Taylor said as she goes after Sean.
Ethan: (To Supergirl) What's going on? Oh! Put me down.
Sean: (V/O as Ethan) I hate heights, put me down!
Taylor: (Narrating) Supergirl flies Ethan to a safe place as the hunky gardener tries to figure out what's going on when he wants to know where his Linda is at.
Ethan: Where's my Linda?
Supergirl: Take it easy.
(Suddenly, a coconut hurled into the air ends up knocking Ethan out)
Sean and Taylor both break down in laughter.
"What the hell?!" Taylor asked, laughing.
"Okay, can we add a comedic sound effect to that scene, please?" Sean asked.
(The scene where Ethan gets knocked out by a coconut is shown while a comedic sound effect plays in the background along with a cartoonish tweeting bird sound effect)
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Selena calls Nigel over for his expertise in black magic to try to get Ethan to her by…
(Selena holds up the Omegahedron while Ethan holds up the Burundi Wand as they aim it at the the direction of the camera. They activate their powers, which make strange sounds and the Omegahedron starts spinning and lights up)
"By trying to hypnotize the audience." Taylor said.
Sean and Taylor: (V/O as Nigel and Selena) You will tell people that this is a good movie. You will tell them that the critics are complete idiots. Faye Dunaway should win an Academy Award for her performance while Helen Slater wins a Razzie.
Supergirl: Linda is alright.
Ethan: How do you know?
Supergirl: I just… know.
(Supergirl kisses Ethan)
Ethan: (Recognizes Supergirl) Linda.
(As Ethan and Supergirl get ready to kiss, Ethan vanishes. He reappears in Selena's lair, lying on a bed and all chained up)
Bianca: (Sees Ethan) Oh, my God.
"Oh, movie. You're giving me enough firepower for this review. Imagine Lucas Frost banging Kendra Lust and Cherie DeVille while he's chained to the bed in the Supergirl porn parody. You guys are giving me ideas to pitch to Wicked Pictures." Sean said.
(Supergirl is stunned to find that Ethan has disappeared)
Taylor: (V/O as Supergirl) Wait, where's my handsome prince that I want to bang. I sense that he's chained to some middle-aged woman's bed. I'll save you, my hunky sex toy!
Taylor: (Narrating) So, Selena tricks Nigel by taking his wand and she uses it and the Omegahedron to turn him into a grumpy old man and with her powers combined, she uses it to create her own evil fortress in town.
(Selena's evil fortress is a very tall mountain with a castle on top)
"Wow, Rita Repulsa called she wants her castle back." Taylor said.
"And Lord Zedd wants his throne back too!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Supergirl arrives to stop Selena and rescue Ethan, but the Wicked Witch of the Midwest have some plans for our hero as she traps her in an invisible wall.
"Really? An invisible wall? A fucking invisible wall?! That's the best you could come up with?! What's next? You got a bunch of invisible Putties in your fortress? Hell, Christopher Reeve and Margot Kidder are INVISIBLE!" Sean yelled out.
Selena: Enjoy your prison, Supergirl… forever and ever.
(Selena kisses Ethan, who has him under her spell)
Supergirl: No, Ethan! Don't do it! Ethan!
(Selena laughs)
Sean: (V/O as Selena) He's mine, Supergirl. He's into older women, not young girls. (Laughs)
Taylor: (Narrating) Selena sends Supergirl to the Phantom Zone, where she is powerless there. (Sees Supergirl trying to crush a rock, her hand begins to bleed) Yeah, try crushing that rock. You're making yourself bleed your own blood, stupid! She traverses through the Phantom Zone and comes across this movie's version of the Swamp of Sadness.
(The Swamp of Sadness theme from The Neverending Story plays as Supergirl falls in the mud pit and passes out)
"ARTAX! Oh, wait. Wrong movie. Should I yell out Supergirl's name? Who's cares about that dumb bitch anyway." Taylor said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back on Earth, we see that Selena has made herself the ruler of the planet while some of the students from the school arrive to protest. Well, that's one way to get rid of a witch, gather all the nerds to do a protest.
Lucy Lane: I don't know who you think you are. Or what evil force you represent. But if you think you can get rid of anybody who stands up to you!
Selena: Seize them!
(The police charge and arrest Lucy and Jimmy. Jimmy hits one of the officers with his picket sign)
Jimmy Olsen: Nobody messes with Jimmy Olsen! Now, let go of me. I'm with the press!
Sean: (V/O as Cop) Yeah, and I'm Stone Phillips. Shut up!
Taylor: (Narrating) Back on the Phantom Zone, someone mysterious helps out Supergirl as she wakes up only to find an old friend who's imprisoned there.
Supergirl: Zaltar!
Zaltar: (Holding up a bottle) Squirt?
Supergirl: Zaltar?
Zaltar: Squirt. (He squirts something into his mouth)
Supergirl: Zaltar, it's me. It's-it's Kara.
Zaltar: I know. Squirt.
"Oh ho ho! I want to make another dirty joke but I think that's enough dirty jokes for one review." Sean said.
"Oh, I bet she would love to squirt." Taylor said with a naughty smirk on her face.
"Taylor!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Zaltar tells Supergirl that the only out of the Phantom Zone is an impossible and dangerous one, which is the rift. And they only have one shot at it. Meanwhile, Selena watches them trying to make their escape and I just love the bit where Ethan is eating popcorn. It's hilarious. While making their escape, Supergirl and Zaltar try to make it past the Quantum Vortex and…
(Zaltar helps pushing Supergirl up)
Zaltar: Hurry… go. Higher girl, higher.
Supergirl: Come with me!
"Mwah! Goodnight, everybody!" Sean said, imitating Yakko from Animaniacs.
Taylor: (Narrating) Zaltar ends up in danger and sacrifices his life as he falls to his death in the worst green screen effect ever. Supergirl manages to escape the Phantom Zone and regain her powers as she confronts Selena.
Supergirl: You've had your fun, Selena. The game is finished.
Selena: Hardly. One false step, bluebird. And even if you don't, your friends will get the point.
(Selena aims the wand at the ball cages that Jimmy, Lucy and Nigel are in, lowering them down as spikes raise up from out of the floor)
"Okay, that's a Mortal Kombat-style fatality waiting to happen. And also, she just made a bad pun." Taylor said.
Sean: (Narrating) Supergirl freezes the spikes and frees her friends and Nigel and help them escape while Selena uses her powers to make the floor move, just to annoy Supergirl. Uh, hey. Here's the thing… why don't you, oh I don't know fly over towards the wicked bitch and beat the shit out of her instead of crawling around like an invalid?!
Bianca: I think I'll be going. If you'll excuse me.
(Selena aims the wand at Bianca and uses it to push her against the wall)
"Oh, Jesus. I can't take this movie seriously." Sean said, placing his hand on his head.
Supergirl: You have no friends, Selena.
"And all of a sudden Supergirl turns into a playground bully." Taylor said.
Taylor: (V/O as Supergirl) You have no friends, Selena.
Sean: (V/O as Selena) Stop it! Stop it! All I wanted to do is to rule the world!
Taylor: (Narrating) Selena unleashes a powerful demon, a real one that's not invisible and it's a pretty cool looking monster. But it's street cred is ruined when it's power is to turn Supergirl into a crappy, stretched-out effect and my God, it's so horrible. And then, she hears Zaltar's voice.
Supergirl: I can't!
Zaltar: You can!
Sean: (V/O as Zaltar) Get up, you stupid girl! 'Cause Zaltar loves you.
Sean: (Narrating) Supergirl breaks free from the demon and then she shrinks down and spins around Selena around like a tornado and lifts her up towards the monster to kill her and…
"This is too stupid to explain. Just watch." Sean said.
(Selena screams as the monster sees her. The tornado spins wildly as it catches Bianca in the tornado. The tornado then sucks them all in the mirror, which magically fixes itself, as Supergirl proudly poses in front of it)
"Oh, Christ. Let's just finish this." Sean said.
Taylor: (Narrating) Therefore, happy ending! The day is saved, the power source is returned, Jimmy and Lucy hook up…
"So wrong. So very, very wrong." Taylor said.
Sean: (Narrating) Everything gets back to normal as Ethan watches Supergirl fly off and he walks away so he can stop Batman. And Supergirl, with the Omegahedron in her hand, dives back into the water where she first arrived on Earth and heads back to her home planet and then…
(Argo City's lights come back on as the credits roll with the words "AN ALEXANDER AND ILYA SALKIND PRODUCTION")
"What?! What kind of ending was that?! That's how we're ending the movie? Not a nice little epilogue like Superman? You know what, screw it. THIS IS THE WORST MOVIE THAT I HAVE SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!" Sean yelled out.
(Clips from the movie are shown again)
Sean: (Narrating) This movie is so weird and bizarre with bad acting and effects and a bad screenplay. The good parts: Faye Dunaway is enjoyable and Jerry Goldsmith's music score is amazing. And some of the visual effects are good.
Taylor: (Narrating) This is one of those movies that it's so bad that it's good. Watching it two times is enough. There are two different cuts of the movie, one is the International Cut that we've took a look at and the other is the "Director's Cut" and there's the Theatrical Cut as well. No other DC movie infuriated us quite as much as Supergirl. And Faye Dunaway deserves so much better because she's good in this movie.
Sean: (Narrating) This is a movie that you should watch while alcohol is involved. This is a piece of Super-turd ever to come out. If you're curious about the movie, may God have mercy on your soul. Supergirl gets 1 Omegahedron out of 5.
"Well, you can thank God that there are better interpretations of Supergirl later on. Hell, we get Melissa Benoist as Supergirl and she's awesome. My suggestion, watch The CW's Supergirl. They got the show on Netflix. Now, if you'll excuse me. I have a porn parody to work on. I'll be in my office if you need me." Sean said as he leaves the living room.
"Well… he's Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'm his girlfriend Taylor. He'll see you guys next time." Taylor said. "Hmm, I can get used to this movie reviewing stuff."
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Look at that dingleberry.
And that's all for the Supergirl review. I would just like to say that I had a lot of fun writing this review. Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed this review and I would like to know what do you think of the movie "Supergirl"? So, what's next for The Mayhem Critic? Will it be the fourth commercials special? Will it be the return of Sean's Story Arc. Well, it's going to be an awesome movie review. Well, let's travel back to 1985 because this next review is going to be the film that spawned the greatest movie trilogy ever. And that movie is Back to the Future. Anyway, that's all the time we have for today. If there's a movie that you would like for me to review, let me know in the reviews section or PM. See you guys next time. Later!