The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and I am here to bring you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Well, it's March and you know what that means? It's time for another silly celebration. Today, marks the start of Animation March Madness and Sean the Mayhem Critic kicks off the celebration by taking a look at the 1985 animated sci-fi film Starchaser: The Legend of Orin, a movie that rips off "Star Wars". Will Sean rips this movie a new one or will this movie be headed for salvation? So sit back, relax, grab yourself a cold one and enjoy the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Starchaser: The Legend of Orin is owned by Atlantic Releasing Corporation.
Animation March Madness Part 1
Starchaser: The Legend of Orin
We open with our favorite residential critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting at his desk in his office while typing on his laptop and drinking a can of wild cherry Pepsi.
"Sam pushes Freddie down on the bed while Carly makes his way up to his face and turns around, giving him a fantastic view of her… oh, man. This is going to be the hottest iCarly fanfic about Carly, Sam and Freddie that I've ever written. This is going to be great." Sean said as he continues to work on his story.
As he continues to type away, he looks at the time on his laptop and begins to realize what time it is.
"Oh, shit! Time for a new review." Sean said as he got up from behind his desk and leaves the office as he makes his way downstairs and into the living room before sitting down on his couch. "Alright, hiatus time is over. Time to work on a new review. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. And welcome to Animation March Madness!"
(The intro to Animation March Madness plays, featuring an animated version of Sean getting ready to make a free throw with a basketball, but ends up missing the basket and ends up hitting a bunch of bad movies while Teddy Pendergrass' rendition of the song "One Shining Moment" starts playing)
"Throughout the month of March, I will be taking a look at a couple of animated features. Now with that said… have I talked about Star Wars yet?" Sean asked.
A woman is heard screaming and Sean reacts in surprise to it.
"OK, a few times." Sean said, smiling.
(Footage from the Star Wars movies are shown in a montage while the theme music by John Williams plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) What's there to say about it? I love Star Wars. I've been a huge fan of the series when I was a kid. After the movie's release in 1977, it changed the way we looked at movies. From it's amazing storytelling, the atmosphere, the characters, the music, action and the visual effects. What's not to love?
"And what do you get when something unique and popular shows up? Rip-offs!" Sean exclaimed.
(Posters of the movies Battle Beyond the Stars, Turkish Star Wars, Star Odyssey and Starcrash are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, you have countless live action movies back in the '70s and '80s that are pretty similar to Star Wars.
"That is until one animated movie came along. And that movie is Starchaser: The Legend of Orin." Sean said.
(The title screen for the movie is shown, followed by a series of clips from the movie while the theme music plays)
Sean: (Narrating) From the people who brought us great movies like Teen Wolf, Night of the Comet and The Garbage Pail Kids Movie… okay, just Teen Wolf and Night of the Comet, comes this amazing animated sci-fi adventure. Released in theaters on November 22, 1985, the movie was produced and directed by Steven Hahn and was written by Jeffrey Scott. The movie was one of the first animated movies to mix traditional animation and computer animation. It was one of the first movies to be released in 3D. After it's release, the movie was a box-office bomb because critics called it a rip-off of Star Wars.
"An animated movie ripping off Star Wars? That's crazy, I'm sure that's not possible. That's like someone saying that I'm ripping off the Nostalgia Critic…" Sean said.
(We cut to a picture of Sean and the Nostalgia Critic are shown with along with a picture of someone calling Sean a "Nostalgia Critic rip-off")
"Okay, that's not true! You have no proof of me ripping off the Nostalgia Critic." Sean said.
(Cut to a clip from the Nostalgia Critic's review of Batman & Robin)
Nostalgia Critic: A BAT-CREDIT CARD?!
(Cut to Sean's review of Batman & Robin)
Sean: (Yells) A BAT-CREDIT CARD!
"OK, I had my own personal touch to it, so blow me. Anyway, with that said. Let's take a look at Starchaser: The Legend of Orin." Sean said.
(The movie opens with a bunch of slaves in a mine)
Sean: (Narrating) Our story begins as we see a group of slaves mining crystals. And we see that life down here is hell because the human slaves have lived underground for a millennia. You have people getting whipped, harsh working conditions and an innocent little blind kid getting Sparta kicked by Cylon stormtroopers.
"Hmm, I'm not sure about them ripping off Star Wars, but I think I'm getting a vibe from a different George Lucas movie." Sean said.
(Sound clips and music from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom start playing in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) We're introduced to our hero named Orin, voiced by Joe Colligan, and despite him being a slave underground for an eternity he still manages to have a luxurious full head of hair.
"Guess he must've been using Garnier Fructis." Sean said.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We cut to various clips of Orin while the song "Diamonds & Guns" by Transplants start playing)
Sean: (V/O as Announcer) Working in a mine being too much for you? Your hair starts breaking up from the harsh working conditions? That is why Orin uses Garnier Fructis, the first fortifying shampoo with active fruit concentrate from Garnier. It's proven. The Garnier Fructis system makes hair up to five times stronger and so much shinier. The secret… is in the fruit. For hair that shines with all it's strength, new Garnier Fructis.
(The Garnier Fructis shampoo bottle is shown, followed by the Garnier logo)
Taylor: (V/O as Female Announcer) Garnier.
Elan (Voiced by Noelle North): (While her grandfather is working) You've got to slow down, Grandfather. You're too old to keep up this pace.
Hopps (Voiced by Herb Vigran): (Panting) I've been digging for 70 years, Elan. Slowing down will only prolong my suffering.
(Orin slips in some of his crystals into Hopps' bucket as Elan sees this)
Elan: Orin, don't. You won't survive doing the work of two.
Orin (Voiced by Joe Colligan): For the prettiest girl in the world, I'd do the work of 10.
"The Work of Two. You just gave me the perfect title for my Carly/Sam/Freddie threesome story." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that Orin and the slave laborers are mining crystals for a god named Zygon…
(A picture of Zygon from Doctor Who is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Wrong Zygon.
(A poster for the play Miss Saigon is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Nope. Not that one.
(A picture of Kurt Zagon from the 1988 movie Above the Law is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, you're not even close! His name has an "A" in it.
(We cut to a shot of the movie's Zygon)
Sean: (Narrating) There we go. The guy that looks like Mola Ram from Temple of Doom. We see that their god Zygon, voiced by Anthony DeLongis, is preaching to the masses.
Zygon (Voiced by Anthony DeLongis): The gods of the Mineworld are angry. They have kept you alive since the beginning of time and ask very little in return. The Furnace of Life cries out in hunger. You must feed more crystals, or it's life-giving energy will burn out forever. So dig harder or die!
"All hail the mighty Zygon." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, the Gods exchange inflammable bread for crystals. After that, Orin comes across a jeweled sword embedded in the rocks and Elan's grandfather, voiced by Herb Vigran respectively, recognizes the sword and tries to hide it, until this happens.
Robot: Why aren't you working?
Hopps: No, no, no, no!
(Hopps charges at the robot with his pickaxe, but the robot mine-guard uses his lightwhip and we see it wraps around Hopps' eyes)
Hopps: My eyes!
(Orin and Elan sees this and runs over to Hopps)
Robot: Madman.
Hopps: The sword, the sword! Up, up there.
(Hopps dies)
Elan: (Cries) Grandfather! Why?
"Yeah, I would just like to point out that Orin took a whip around the neck earlier and he's just fine and yet Elan's grandfather takes a whip around the face and immediately his soul has left his body." Sean said as we cut to a scene where Orin takes a whip around this neck followed by Hopps taking a whip around his face.
Sean: (Narrating) As Elan, voiced by Noelle North, mourns the death of her grandfather, Orin picks up the sword and it starts glowing until wise man Santa Claus appears.
Sage: If, in the distant future, someone hears these words, perhaps it is not too late. These dark corridors are not your true home. There is a world above, a magnificent universe, to which you can return, if you have the courage. He who possesses this sword, possesses the power of truth. Find the blade, and you will find your freedom.
(A clip from The Empire Strikes Back is shown)
Obi-Wan Kenobi (Played by Alec Guiness): You will go to the Dagobah system. There, you will learn from Yoda.
"Okay, that was just a coincidence. I'm pretty sure that they're not trying to rip them off." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So after Santa Claus goes away, the blade disappears leaving the hilt. But then one of the slaves, voiced by the Micro Machines man says that it is all lies and doesn't believe it.
Orin: But why would anyone lie about an upper world, Raymo?
Raymo (Voiced by John Moschitta Jr.): By believing the words of that demon, you spit on the most sacred commandment, never dig up. Up is Hell.
"Really? Up is Hell? Isn't it like saying Bad is Good?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) But the fat miner fights Orin over the hilt, but then Orin knocks his ass out. So anyway, Orin takes the hilt and vows to find the blade, with Elan tagging along with him.
Kallie (Voiced by Daryl Bartley): I'll go with you, too.
Orin: You'll have to be with us in spirit, Kallie. It's too dangerous for one as young as you.
Kallie: I'm not too young. You don't want me because I can't see.
"Well… no, not gonna offend blind people with that joke. Nope, not gonna happen. So, I'm just gonna go with this one. The reason why they won't let you go with them is because you're a whiny little weasel and you're acting like Jake Lloyd." Sean said.
(A clip from Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace is shown)
Anakin Skywalker (Played by Jake Lloyd): Are you an angel?
Kallie: Don't leave me, Orin. What if you don't come back?
Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, Orin and Elan make their escape, but Orin's blind little brother Kallie, voiced by Daryl Bartley, follows them while trying to give them food but he ends up getting caught by the Cylon Stormtrooper and…
(Orin shoots the robot slavemaster with the laser drill)
Sean: (Narrating) JESUS, FUCK!
"Right. Note to self: never give slaves dangerous laser drills that would end up killing you in one hit. They got better weapons and yet you guys have laser whips like you're working at an S&M bar." Sean said.
(Orin fights one of the robot slavemasters in the mine cart while Elan gets Kallie out of the cart)
Orin: Run, Kallie, run!
Sean: (V/O as Orin) For the last time we're not taking you!
Sean: (Narrating) So Orin and Elan escape into the crystal conveyor, which leads them to an industrial complex and they end up getting caught by Zygon.
Zygon: You now know what only one other slave has known in the last 1,200 years. And like him, you will die with the secret. You might as well know the rest of the lie. (Takes off his mask to reveal his identity, which is the face of a human man) Behold the great god of Mineworld! (Laughs)
"And Zygon looks like Keldor before he became Skeletor." Sean said, referencing the 2002 version of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe before cutting to a picture of Zygon next to a picture of Keldor. "You know, was this supposed to be a surprise? We about five minutes into this film and yet the shocking reveal is wasted! You know, somebody better get killed soon or I'm gonna torture myself by watching episodes of Caillou!"
(Zygon grabs Elan by her throat and strangles her to death)
Orin: No! Stop!
(Elan drops dead after Zygon strangles her)
"Oh, no! Not… what was her name again?" Sean asked.
"Elan." Taylor said from behind the camera.
"Who's that again?" Sean asked.
"Orin's girlfriend." Taylor replied.
"Right! Orin's girlfriend, Elan. Who we met for a short time. Boy, she's completely pointless." Sean said.
(TV static transitions to: Star Wars)
Darth Vader (Played by David Prowse and voiced by James Earl Jones): If this is a consular ship where is the ambassador?
(Vader strangles Captain Antillies to death)
"Oooooookay. That's a little weird." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After killing Elan, Zygon takes interest in the sword hilt and then he tries to kill Orin until the hilt burns his hand and he just lets Orin go.
(The robots shoot at Orin)
Zygon: Watch out for the crystals!
(One of the robots accidentally fire on the crystals and they explode around him and his soldiers)
"Okay, these guys are just like the Stormtroopers, they can't aim for shit trying to hit one guy." Sean said.
(Orin cradles Elan's body while shedding tears)
Orin: If there is a world above, I'll find it for you, Elan.
Sean: (Narrating) So, Orin makes his escape and he digs his way out into the surface world after many hours of struggle and sees how beautiful it looks.
(Orin makes his way out into the surface. He starts shedding as he sees the stars shining bright in the night sky)
Orin: It's not a lie! It's not a lie!
"My God… it's full of stars." Sean said, referencing 2001: A Space Odyssey.
Sean: (Narrating) So, while Orin is experiencing his first taste of freedom while exploring not Dagobah, he runs into more danger as he comes across these freaky-looking half-organic, half-robotic Mandroids who want to tear him apart and use his body parts to replace theirs.
(Orin bumps into a Mandroid, one with a mechanical skull and beady, blood-red eyes)
Mandroid #1 (Voiced by Les Tremayne): (Laughs) A human.
(Orin looks down at the Mandroid's stomach and sees that his organs are exposed)
Mandroid #3 (Voiced by Mickey Morton): (Grabs Orin's hair) I want his hair.
Orin: Ow, let go!
Mandroid #2 (Voiced by Thomas H. Watkins): (Grabs Orin's arm) I get his arm.
"Holy cow, those things are the stuff that nightmares are made of… and they look awesome! I hope we get to see more of them." Sean said.
"Uh, sweetie." Taylor said.
"Yeah?" Sean asked.
"This is their only scene." Taylor said.
"Oh, shit on a stick." Sean said, rolling his eyes.
Sean: (Narrating) The Mandroids take Orin prisoner to they can take his body parts until one of them notices the sword hilt and gets a little too curious with it when he ends up cutting one of the other Mandroids in half. He gets freaked out and throws the sword hilt down on the ground while the other grabs for it, but then the sword hilt stabs the hell out of the ungodly monstrosity.
Mandroid #2: (Turns to Orin) You! You're doing this! This is human magic.
Orin: No, I didn't! Yes, you're right. It is human magic. I can kill you the same as I killed the other two.
"Didn't Return of the Jedi do something like this?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Orin tricks the Mandroid into freeing him and giving him the sword as he escapes until he bumps into…
(Orin bumps into a smuggler, who ends up shooting two of the Mandroids dead)
Dagg Dibrimi (Voiced by Carmen Argenziano): You've got exactly 10 seconds to tell me what you're doing in this swamp, or you'll be swimming with those two Mandroids.
"Let me guess, this is supposed to be the roguish smuggler with a heart of gold just like Han Solo?" Sean asked.
(The word "YES" pops up on the screen)
"You're scum, movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) This is the Han Solo-copy of the movie, Dagg Dibrimi, voiced by the late Carmen Argenziano, is looking for some crystals that Orin's been mining, but he tells him that robots have done all the mining for the last thousand years.
Orin: What's a robot?
Dagg Dibrimi: Cut the crap! (Poins his blaster at Orin) Now I want the truth. And fast.
(A swamp monster appears behind Dagg and grabs him. Orin pulls out the hilt and charges at the swamp monster right when it's about to eat Dagg. Then, Orin starts hacking and slashing the monster and it let's Dagg go and goes back into the water)
"Well, just be glad it wasn't the garbage disposal creature or the Sarlaac Pit." Sean said.
Dagg Dibrimi: How in the hell did you…
Orin: I'm not sure.
Dagg Dibrimi: Yeah, well, thanks anyway. Now beat it, kid, I've got work to do.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Dagg is keeping a look out for a patrol ship, until Navi from The Legend of Zelda appears to annoy Dagg.
Dagg Dibrimi: (Swats at the Starfly) Get away from me! Damn starfly! Hey, get out of here!
(The Starfly's sounds are replaced by Navi's voice lines)
Navi: Hey! Listen! Hey! Hey!
"Oh, great. Now they're ripping off The Legend of Zelda." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, the ship's computer warns Dagg that a patrol ship is approaching and it starts attacking them. So, Orin and Dagg retreat back to the ship and we're introduced to the ship's computer named Arthur, voiced by Les Tremayne.
Arthur (Also voiced by Les Tremayne): I wish you'd stop calling me a computer, Dagg. It's so impersonal! After all, your body's just a machine made of flesh and blood. How would you like it if I went around calling you meat brain.
"Oh, Christ. It's the movie's version of C-3PO. But wait a minute, C-3PO is a robot and Arthur is the ship's computer. But they do have one thing in common: they act prissy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) They take off and Dagg stages an attack on a nearby base because… yeah, just to rip off shots from Star Wars. Also, the bad guys have an AT-ST copy. So anyway, Dagg manages to steal some crystals from a hovering freighter, but Zygon catches him off-guard and Orin tries to kill him.
(Orin drops behind Zygon, who notices him, blaster in hand)
Zygon: You!
(Orin takes his sword out and charges at Zygon)
Dagg Dibrimi: Kid, no!
(Zygon shoots at Orin, but the sword absorbs the laser, knocking him down)
"Yeah, that's pretty much not a bright idea to attack an evil tyrant who's armed with a friggin' laser. You know, for you being the main hero of the movie, you can be weak and stupid." Sean said.
(A clip from The Empire Strikes Back plays)
Yoda (Played by Frank Oz): That is why you failed.
(Dagg and Zygon shoot at each other with their laser blasters as him and Orin run for cover)
Dagg Dibrimi: We've got to get back to the ship if we can! (Shoots at Zygon)
Orin: (Pulls out his sword) No, I'll kill him first!
(Dagg pulls Orin away from the lasers)
Sean: (Narrating) While Dagg and Orin are hiding behind cover from Zygon and his robots, a fembot named Silica, voiced by Tyke Caravelli, arrives to see what's with all of the commotion. And for some reason, Dagg seizes her and uses her as a shield to escape with and then Zygon says the weirdest line ever in the movie.
Zygon: It is him. The Kha-Khan has returned.
"I'm sorry, could you repeat that, please?" Sean asked, looking confused.
Zygon: The Kha-Khan has returned.
"The what has returned?" Sean asked once more.
Zygon: The Kha-Khan has returned.
"The ca-ca has returned?" Sean asked for the third time.
Zygon: The Kha-Khan has returned.
"To quote Mickey Milkovich from Shameless after Svetlana was speaking in Russian as she let's the audience know what they missed last week: "SPEAK FUCKING ENGLISH!"." Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) While Orin is pondering over his losses for tonight, Dagg is busy trying to reconfigure the fembot Silica.
Arthur: According to the Internal Schematics Manual of the G-2 class government service fembot, all personal characteristic circuits are located in her… (Stammers) You're definitely looking in the wrong place.
Dagg Dibrimi: Well, where are they?
Arthur: They're in her posterior.
(Dagg makes a sly grin on his face as the camera pans down on Silica's butt)
Silica (Voiced by Tyke Caravelli): You wouldn't dare. Help! Help!
(Dagg tapes Silica's mouth shut)
"Yeah, did you notice the look on that guy's face?" Sean asked.
(We cut back to Dagg, who was seen making a sly grin on his face and we pause on the image)
Sean: (Narrating) That's the look of a man who's about to get some of dat ass!
"Also, how the hell did this movie get a PG rating? A scene like that goes into Heavy Metal territory. And I've seen Heavy Metal. Mostly because of the soundtrack and the animation…" Sean said.
"And the boobies. You watch Heavy Metal for the boobies." Taylor said.
"Okay, she's right about that part. That movie is boobs galore." Sean said, smirking a bit.
Dagg Dibrimi: There. That should do it.
(Dagg closes the butt panel and takes the tape off of her mouth. Silica starts looking at Dagg seductively)
Silica: Hi.
Dagg Dibrimi: That's more like it.
Silica: Has anyone ever told you you're awfully cute for a meat body?
"That's right, boys. Play with a woman's ass in just the right way and she'll do anything you want." Sean said in a deep voice. "Oh, yeah."
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Zygon sends word to his troops to kill Orin and find the hilt.
Zygon: All units, security code: red. Name: Orin. Target is young. Male. Human. Carrying a golden hilt.
"You know that I wish that they would rip-off from Star Wars? Is the villain with the badass voice." Sean said. "I'm mean, come on. He sounds like John Hurt if he voiced Darth Vader."
(A clip from Star Wars: A New Hope is shown)
Darth Vader: (His lines replaced by the Horned King's lines. The Horned King is brilliantly voiced by John Hurt) You've interfered for the last time. Now, pigkeeper. You shall die!
"Okay, that would be awesome. But James Earl Jones is much more awesome. Also, I'm just waiting for Starchaser to rip-off the galaxy's most badass bounty hunter." Sean said, referring to Boba Fett.
"Hmm, one word to describe this movie." Brian said.
(A clip from Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me is shown)
Scott Evil (Played by Seth Green): Rip-off!
Sean: (Narrating) So, Dagg flies to a city called Toga-Togo, also known as rip-off Tatooine….
(A clip from Star Wars: A New Hope is shown)
Obi-Wan Kenobi: You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Sean: (Narrating) ...and him and Orin part ways. Dagg gives Silica to a slave auctioneer so he can get a cut of profits for her, then he meets up with an Arab stereotype by the name of Magreb, voiced by Ken Sansom, respectively, and sells him the crystals that he stole.
"So, I guess this guy is the movie's version of Jabba the Hutt?" Sean asked as a photo of Magreb and Jabba the Hutt are shown back to back.
Magreb (Voiced by Ken Sansom): (Looks at the crystal) How much?
Dagg Dibrimi: 20 tons. Half a million, and it's yours.
Magreb: For you, I pay special price, 200,000. Take it or leave it.
Dagg Dibrimi: Looks like I'm not the only thief in Toga-Togo.
Magreb: There'll be a ship waiting to pick it up in the Vagee Desert at noon tomorrow.
"Dude, take the money. You'll be rich, you'll be wealthy. It's a great deal not to pass up." Sean said.
Magreb: Oh, Dagg one of my nosey men thought they saw you with a young boy this evening. My girls do not excite you anymore? (Laughing)
We cut back to Sean, who is drinking a bottle of Coors Banquet beer and ends up doing a spit take after hearing Magreb's line.
"What the hell, movie?!" Sean exclaimed. "First, we have robot ass play and now pedophelia jokes. This is a family-friendly movie. I can't believe that I heard a pedophelia joke in this movie."
(A clip from iCarly is shown)
Gibby (Played by Noah Munck): I love Pini's!
"Shouldn't the name of the restaurant be called "Penis"? Because that's what it almost sounded like." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Orin comes across a fortune teller who gives him some advice on where to find the missing blade to his sword.
Orin: Can you tell me where I'll find the blade?
Fortune Teller (Voiced by Tina Romanus): You will find what you are looking for…
"In the Alamo?" Sean asked.
Fortune Teller: ...in the darkest regions of the Novaluna rain forest.
Sean: (Narrating) You know, dude, you've been using the sword this whole time throughout the film. The blade is invisible and you probably found it. Hell, you could probably find the biggest asshole in the universe! (A picture of Donald Trump is shown)
"Problem solved. Archer on the case." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Orin sees that Silica is being sold and he competes with a woman to buy her, even though he has no money.
Orin: 650!
Girl: Seven!
Orin: 750!
Girl: 800!
Orin: 850!
Girl: One thousand!
Orin: 2,000!
Girl: You're crazy!
Z'Gork (Also voiced by John Moschitta Jr.): I can't believe it, 2,000! It's just unbelievable, I'm getting 2,000. Going once, going twice, sold!
Silica: Yay!
Dagg Dibrimi: Well, how much did we get?
Z'Gork: A mere 2,000 starbacks.
Dagg Dibrimi: 2,000? Who the hell bought it, the governor?
Z'Gork: No, this fine young gentleman. (Points to Orin)
Dagg Dibrimi: Water Snake!
(Music from iCarly plays and we see the words "Executive Producer DAN SCHNEIDER" on the screen)
Sean: (Narrating) Orin and Dagg get spotted by Zygon's men and they get chased down by them. This prompts Dagg and Silica to pull the oldest, the most dumbest trick in the book.
(Silica acts sexy for the robot goons that are after them. Dagg knocks one of them out with the butt of his gun, the next shot then shows the other robot getting kicked, but it looks like that he wasn't touched and he just simply falls over)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, now wait a minute…
"That kick didn't even hit him!" Sean yelled out. "How the hell did he even get kicked?!"
(The aforementioned scene plays before we cut to a little segment called "Break It Down with Roger Lodge)
Announcer: Break It Down with Roger Lodge!
Roger Lodge: Let's take a look at the footage. We see that our man Dagg over her knocks the robot out with the butt of his gun. Then, we get the next shot of him kicking the other robot. We see that the robot wasn't even touched, so he just simply falls over like Spencer Shay getting shot in the head with a paintball by Sam Puckett. Back to you, Sean. Also, me and Chip want our money.
Sean: (Narrating) The two of them manage to elude Zygon's men and escape. They fly down to the Vagee Desert to sell the crystals to two desert-dwelling merchants and they give them a little something more than money when Navi the Starfly warns them about the box of gold and Orin finds something inside, more of the explosive kind.
Orin: (Finds a bomb hidden inside the box of gold) Dagg, I think those desert men gave us more than gold.
Dagg Dibrimi: Damn!
Arthur: It's a time bomb! Don't just stand there, get rid of it!
Dagg Dibrimi: Bastards!
"Okay, whatever you do, drop the bomb on them and keep the money. Just don't drop the whole crate with the bomb and the money." Sean said.
(They fly back to the merchants and drop the whole case on them. The bomb explodes)
"NOOOOOOOO! Why did you have to drop the whole case on them? God, you could've bought yourself a brand-new PS5 with that gold!" Sean exclaimed as he starts crying. "You stupid, stupid bastard."
Sean: (Narrating) Dagg agrees to take Orin to Novaluna, but then Zygon's troops manage to catch up with them in an exciting chase scene, but then they shoot down Dagg's ship. Zygon's troops capture Dagg but they are unable to find Orin, who has been flung from the ship and landed torso first into the trees.
"Oh, well. I guess that's it. Movie over. Goodnight, everybody." Sean said as he gets up from off of the couch and leaves the living room.
"Sean, get back in here." Taylor said.
Sean returns to the living room, looking dejected and sits back down on the chair.
"Of course it's not over. Why would it be over?" Sean asked.
(A helmeted person examine's Orin's sword hilt as a bird of prey lands on it's shoulder. The helmeted person rides over to Orin and checks on him before removing it's helmet. The helmeted person is revealed to be a redheaded woman)
"And there's rip-off Princess Leia." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, you all saw it coming. This movie's version of Princess Leia is named Aviana, also voiced by Noelle North. Yes, the same actress who played the voice of Elan in the movie. Aviana is the daughter of Bordogon's Governor.
"Oh, please. Don't tell me that they're going to force a romance between the two of them. Remember what happened to Elan in the first twenty minutes of the movie where she got choked out by Zygon? They just threw her away like yesterday's trash, so he can get with another chick." Sean said.
(A clip from American Housewife is shown)
Anna-Kat Otto (Played by Giselle Eisenberg): You a ho!
Sean: (Narrating) Orin converses with Aviana about the mines and she tells him that her father is the Governor who owns the facility and never once new about human slaves working there.
Aviana (Also voiced by Noelle North): Humans in the mines! My father would never allow it!
Orin: Who is your father?
Aviana: Why, Morbro, of course.
Orin: Morbro?
Aviana: Supreme Governor of the Bordogon system. Don't tell me you've never heard of him!
Orin: I'm getting sick and tired of never understanding.
"Yeah, that's how I felt while watching an episode of Bridgerton." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile at Zygon's base, Dagg is being held prisoner by Zygon and… yeah, I think you all know where this is going.
Zygon: Try to imagine a needle the thickness of a human hair slowly thrust between your eyes and penetrating your skull.
(A thin laser is shown beaming through Dagg's head. Zygon has an evil smirk, while the next shot is from The Empire Strikes Back as Lando listens in to Han being tortured. Instead of Han screaming, we hear Dagg screaming instead)
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Orin and Aviana, they use her computer and they find that several people over the course of time have freed planets from evil villains, all with the use of a bladeless sword. It's last known location was the planet Trinia after the defeat of a tyrant known as Nexus. Aviana takes Orin back to Trinia and confronts Zygon about his deeds and things don't end up well when Orin tries to kill Zygon for Elan's death and this happens.
(The sword burns Zygon's left jaw to reveal that he's a robot)
Aviana: You, a robot?
Zygon: No. Not just a robot. I am the robot.
Orin: Nexus!
(A clip from Return of the Jedi is shown)
Obi-Wan Kenobi: He's more machine now than man.
"Oh, blow me, movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, we see that Silica is doing some repairs on Arthur, but he's not to grateful for her doing that.
Arthur: Oh, dear! What have you done to me? I'm naked! Put my ship back on, you perverted fembot!
Silica: Hmph! I was only trying to help. Ungrateful son of a bit!
"Whoa! Language! This is a family movie here." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back on Trinia, Orin and Aviana get captured by Zygon and they're thrown in a jail cell next to Dagg and Aviana reveals to Dagg her reason for taking her back to Trinia.
Aviana: You don't understand, Orin. (Crying) I didn't take you back here because I wanted to help you free your people.
"Don't you dare." Sean said.
Aviana: I… I did it for me. Because I wanted to be with you. Because. I…
"Don't say it. I swear to Grogu, don't you dare say it." Sean said.
(Orin faces Aviana and wipes away her tears as they get ready to kiss)
Sean: (Narrating) Are you kidding me?! You've only known him for a day! But luckily, Zygon's goons are a bunch of cockblockers because they interrupt their almost kiss and Aviana is taken to be leverage against her father's attack force. But then the Starfly appears to help out Orin. It takes out a guard, scrambles Zygon's computers and takes the hilt back to Orin.
Orin: (To the guard) Guard, I have something for you!
Sean: (V/O as Guard) Ooh, you have something for me? What is it? Is it a threesome with Miranda Cosgrove and Victoria Justice?
(Orin kills the robot guard with the sword by stabbing it through the door)
Sean: (V/O as Guard) Ow!
Sean: (Narrating) Orin and Dagg break out and they sneak onto the flagship that Aviana is being carried on when they go to lightspeed.
(We cut to a clip from Spaceballs, where we see Spaceball 1 going into ludicrous speed and going to plaid as it flies past Lone Star's ship)
Barf (Played by John Candy): What the hell was that?
Lone Starr (Played by Bill Pullman): Spaceball 1.
Barf: They've gone to plaid!
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Orin and Dagg start taking the bridge and rescuing Aviana. And by the time Zygon figures out what's going on, he sees that the hilt is gone.
Zygon: No! It can't be!
"I'm the World's Dumbest Villain!" Sean said, imitating Zygon.
Sean: (Narrating) Zygon orders his troops to destroy the flagship. But luckily Dagg, Orin and Aviana rejoin Arthur and Silica and they manage to destroy the entire fleet by detonating the missiles in the entire fleet with a single push of a button.
(Cut to a shot of the every ship blowing up)
"Are you kidding me? A single button manages to take out and entire fleet. God, these are the most dumbest villains ever." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) They head back to the mining facility and break in, but a tractor beam captures Arthur and Silica. We get an awesome dogfight as the flagship decimates the base's defenses and it's fighters, causing one fighter to get caught in the tractor beam, freeing Arthur and Silica. But then Zygon's troops start crashing into the flagship, causing it to crash. While Aviana takes Dagg back to his ship, Orin goes back into the mine to free his people.
Aviana: I'm going with you.
Orin: No, it's too dangerous.
Aviana: But…
Orin: No. You must stay with Dagg.
Aviana: Be careful, Orin! I don't want to lose you.
Orin: I'll be back.
"Hey, look. They got the bland acting from the prequel trilogy in here." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Orin heads back into the mine to speak with his people about the truth about Zygon, and speaking of Zygon, he shows up and Orin exposes him to his people. But then that idiot Aviana shows up and ends up getting captured by Zygon, forcing Orin to give him the hilt.
Zygon: Give me the hilt, Kha-Khan, or she will die like the other.
(Orin flashes back to Elan's death and gives Zygon the hilt. Zygon lets Aviana go and tries to kill Orin with the sword, but nothing is happening)
"Really? You think that it would work for you buddy? How stupid are you?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Zygon throws Orin off the ledge, but then Navi shows up and tells Orin that he doesn't need the hilt.
Starfly: You do not need the hilt, Orin. There never was a blade.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, they found it in a Cracker Jack box. So anyway, Orin gets up and wields the invisible blade to appear in his very hands.
"Oh, that's just great! Now they're ripping off Kazuma Kuwabara from Yu-Yu Hakusho." Sean said.
(We see that Orin creating an invisible sword and a sound clip from Yu-Yu Hakusho plays)
Kazuma Kuwabara (Voiced by Christopher Sabat): Spirit Sword!
(Zygon gets ready to shoot Orin, but gets his hand cut off)
Zygon: But. How?
Orin: You were right, Zygon. I did know the secret of the blade all along, only it was simple, I couldn't even see it.
Zygon: No. Stay back.
(Orin cuts Zygon in half, then Zygon falls to his death screaming into a pit of lava)
"I guess George Lucas watched this movie before he penned "The Phantom Menace", he ripped off Zygon's death scene. Well, that's fair enough. They owe him." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After defeating Zygon, Orin's people revolt against their robotic overlords. Meanwhile, Silica shoots down one of the fighters, causing them to crash right into the crystals and brings down the whole facility. Orin, then throws the hilt at ceiling which magically clears the way for the rest of the people to safely evacuate.
(A clip from iCarly is shown)
Spencer Shay (Played by Jerry Trainor): (After setting the drum cymbals on fire) How could that even happen?
Sean: (Narrating) So, Orin frees his people. And watch this, he even cures his little brother's blindness with his newfound powers because…
Kallie: I can see again! I can see! I can see!
"Because he's friggin' Space Jesus." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, all of the Staflies appear around Orin and they reveal themselves to be the spirits of the previous Kha-Khan, including the elder man from the beginning of the movie. They offer Orin to join them, but Orin turns them down for getting some space booty from Aviana.
Orin: I'd like to stretch my legs for a few decades.
(Aviana turns around and smiles at Orin)
"I wanna give Aviana the Vitamin D." Sean said, imitating Orin.
Sean: (Narrating) And the movie ends with the Kha-Khan leaving and forming a hilt constellation as the credits roll. The end.
"And that was Starchaser: The Legend of Orin and my God! This movie was… not shit. In fact, it's pretty good." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown again)
Sean: (Narrating) The art direction was pretty good and what they did successfully replicate from Star Wars is the level of detail in their environments and they really pulled it off pretty well with the extensive CGI. But it's a shame that the characters are carbon copies of the Star Wars characters. When I first watched this movie on Showtime Beyond when I was like 10 or 11, I really enjoyed watching it And watching it again now at age 29, I still enjoy watching it. If you get a chance, check this movie out. Starchaser: The Legend of Orin comes in at 3 Starflies out of 5.
"I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and Animation March Madness has just begun." Sean said before getting up from off of the couch and leaving the living room.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- The Kha-Khan has returned.
And that's all for the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. So, what did you think of the review for Animation March Madness? Did you enjoy it? Next up, Animation March Madness continues and Sean revisits the world of Mortal Kombat when he takes a look at the 2020 animated feature Mortal Kombat Legends: Scorpion's Revenge. Is this the best adaptation of Mortal Kombat ever or will it deserve a fatality like Mortal Kombat: Annihilation? Leave a comment for this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Also, here are the other animated features for Animation March Madness:
The Simpsons Movie
Jetsons: The Movie
Beavis and Butt-Head Do America
Originally, I had The Lord of the Rings planned, but it'll be a review of it's own. Which movie are you excited for me to review for Animation March Madness? I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.