The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another great chapter of The Mayhem Critic and today you're all in for a real treat as we travel back to the year 1991 as Sean takes a look at the greatest action movie ever made. And that movie is Showdown in Little Tokyo starring Dolph Lundgren and the late Brandon Lee. Is this underrated gem the greatest action movie ever made or is it trash. So sit back, relax and grab yourself an ice cold beverage, I present to you the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Showdown in Little Tokyo is owned by Warner Bros.
Episode 121
Showdown in Little Tokyo
The episode opens with everyone's favorite residential movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, as we see him sitting on his couch as we see him getting ready for his next review.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said. "Um, I want to talk about Showdown in Little Tokyo."
(The title screen for the movie is shown while clips from the film start playing as well while the theme music plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. You all didn't expect me to review this little gem. Showdown in Little Tokyo was released in theaters on August 23rd, 1991. What do you know, I'm reviewing this movie just in time for it's 30th anniversary and it stars Dolph Lundgren, the late Brandon Lee, Tia Carrere and Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa. Man, what an explosive combination. You have Ivan Drago, Eric Draven and Shang Tsung in one movie. How awesome is that? The movie was directed by Mark L. Lester, who was known for directing such great films as Class of 1984, Firestarter, Armed and Dangerous, Class of 1999, Commando and…
(The poster for the movie Roller Boogie is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) ...yeah. That movie with Linda Blair in it.
"Now, I just want to say this. This is a movie that I enjoy watching." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) It holds a very special place in my heart because it was one of those films that I enjoyed watching as a kid but when I got older, I was worried that I might find it ridiculous. So after watching the movie again, I enjoyed it. The movie is like Tango & Cash's little sister with a mix of Double Dragon. While filming the movie, Warner Bros made some cuts of the movie because they were unhappy with an early cut. Lester's final cut came in at 90 minutes, but Warner Bros didn't like the film, so they cut it down to 79 minutes, only for the film to get a limited theatrical release. The film was faced with a bunch of negative reviews from critics, but this movie is underrated gem and I'm sure that there are people out there who are fans of the movie.
"Does it deliver the goods or should it deserve a Yakuza-style beheading? Well, grab yourself some pizza and an ice cold Cherry Coke, this is Showdown in Little Tokyo." Sean said.
(The movie opens with a shot of a muscular man's tattooed body)
Sean: (Narrating) So, the movie opens with a very long intro credits scene, which is just some shot of some ripped guy's tattooed body.
"Yeah, way to start this awesome action movie. Just show us some shots of some tattooed guy's ripped body. Way to stay classy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Also, don't you just love the composer just ripping off the X-Files theme? Also, get used to this music because you'll be hearing it on a loop in this movie. After the opening credits, we cut to Little Tokyo, Los Angeles and we cut to some underground fight club and we see our hero Det. Chris Kenner, played by Dolph Lundgren…
(A clip from Rocky IV plays)
Ivan Drago (Played by Dolph Lundgren): I must break you.
Sean: (Narrating) ...infiltrates and swings in to interrupt the fight and bust this guy named Tanaka, played by Philip Tan.
Kenner (Played by Dolph Lundgren): Tanaka. Haven't I told you this is illegal and it pisses me off. You're under arrest.
(Tanaka laughs)
Tanaka (Played by Philip Tan): Not tonight, Kenner. (Speaks in Japanese) Kick his ass!
"You might recognize the guy playing Tanaka. That's the same guy who tried to kill Kurt Russell in Tango & Cash." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Kenner accepts the challenge and fights two of the kickboxers in the ring, but the fight is cut short when this guy named Sato, played by Tatsu himself, Toshishiro Obata, and a few members of the Funky Bunch come storming in and start shooting up the place just to get Tanaka. It then turns into a shootout before everybody start running out of there. Kenner pursuits Tatsu and the Funky Bunch and this happens.
(The gunmen try to run Kenner over, but Kenner manages to jump over their car)
"What the hell?! What womb-wrecking, woman-throwing, stark-raving badass." Sean said with a shocked look on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, I've never known that Swedish guys can jump that far and you know what, I'd like to ask Bill Nye or Beakman from Beakman's World how could Dolph Lundgren jump over that car, but Dolph is more qualified to answer that question. And I just love Sato's reaction. I wonder what he was saying.
(Sato speaks in Japanese and we see the translation on-screen: "How the fuck did that Swedish guy manage to jump over our Cadillac?!")
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Kenner is enjoying his breakfast while the owner of the restaurant Mama Yamaguchi, played by Takayo Fischer, starts to hit on him for a bit.
(Mama Yamaguchi speaks to Kenner in Japanese)
Kenner: Is that an offer?
Mama Yamaguchi (Played by Takayo Fischer): (Laughs) I'm too much woman for you, Kenner-san. You better start with something easier.
"Damn, Claudia Kishi's grandmother is trying to get Dolph to break her in bed." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But then Sato and the Funky Bunch arrive as Kenner recognizes them from last night as he sees them threatening Mimi Yamamoto for money. Turns out that Sato and his crew are working for the Yakuza. And before things get really ugly, Kenner steps in.
Goon: You got a problem, fucker?
Kenner: No problem at all.
(The Yakuza member charges at Kenner with a knife but Kenner manages to disarm him. Another Yakuza member pulls out a gun as Kenner knocks it out of his hand and pushes him into another Yakuza member. Another Yakuza member puts his hand on Kenner. Kenner grabs him by his hand and twists his arm)
Kenner: Come on. Don't do this. If I don't get breakfast, I get real grumpy. I don't think you'll like me grumpy.
(The members of the Yakuza get ready to attack Kenner. Kenner fights them)
Sean: (V/O as Kenner) What did I say? What did I just say?! Kenner smash!
(Kenner kicks one of the goons out of the window until Detective Johnny Murata comes across the scene)
Sean: (Narrating) So after Kenner whoops Sato and the Funky Bunch, a detective by the name of Johnny Murata, played by Brandon Lee, steps in to intervene and the two of them have a little fight scene with each other and the two of them show off their moves and Lee shows that he has a few good ones.
(Murata does a flip kick on Kenner's face. He tries to kick Kenner, but Kenner grabs his foot while Murata tries to kick him again. Kenner ducks and puts Murata in a headlock. Sato and another goon open fire on Kenner and Murata as the two of them duck for cover)
"Oh come on, get some better sound effects for this movie. Not those cheap sound effects. In fact, I can re-do this scene with better rapid fire gun ricochets. See? Watch." Sean said.
(The scene is redone with better sound effects as Sato and another henchman open fire on Kenner and Murata. Sato and the henchmen drive away as Kenner and Murata come out from hiding and they flash their badges and point their guns at each other)
Kenner and Murata: Police! Hold it!
(The audience laughs and the Seinfeld theme plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Turns out that Kenner and Murata have been assigned as partners and just like in every buddy cop movie, we get a taste of their chemistry.
Murata (Played by Brandon Lee): You know all that upper body strength really slows you down.
Kenner: I'm not slow.
Murata: You didn't hit me.
Kenner: If I did, you wouldn't be here.
Murata: I'm not arguing. But you didn't.
Mama Yamaguchi: Children. Children.
"Please, stop fighting with each other. It's bad enough that Mimi had to deal with this kind of crap with Claudia and Janine." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After the two of them get acquainted with each other, Kenner and Murata take one of the suspects back to the station where they interrogate him.
Murata: (To the suspect) You got a name?
(The suspect stays silent)
Murata: How long you been in L.A.? I don't think Bozohead speaks English.
"Really? No shit, Sherlock. What gave you that idea?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Luckily, Kenner here knows Japanese as he asks the suspect who his boss is. The suspect stays silent because he won't rat out his boss. So when Kenner rips open the guy's shirt, he recognizes some Yakuza clan-style tattoos on him, which triggers a very painful memory.
(Kenner flashes back to when he was 9-years-old. We see a young Kenner open the door to witness his mother and father being killed by a member of the Yakuza)
"Turns out that when Kenner was a kid, he witnessed his parents getting brutally killed by a member of the Yakuza and he recognized the tattoos on the guy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But before Kenner ends up breaking the dude's neck, Murata questions Kenner why did he go off on the guy like that? Kenner explains to him that the guy works for a group called Tetsu No Tsume, the Iron Claw and that this guy is Yakuza. And before Kenner wants to know who the oyabun is, this happens.
Murata: What's he doing?
(Kenner turns around and sees what the suspect is doing)
Kenner: Motherfucker!
(Runs out of the room to stop him. Kenner and Murata run into the interrogation room to stop him, but they're too late as the Yakuza member snaps his own neck, killing himself)
Murata: That was nuts!
Kenner: (Sighs) Shit!
Murata: What the fuck did he do?
Kenner: He made his choice. In his world, that was the honorable way to die.
"Yeah, that's what they said about putting a bullet in your own head or slitting your wrists. Okay, I'm going way too far, but still what that guy did was the poor man's version of "seppuku", which originated with Japan's ancient samurai warrior class. And trust me, it's not a pretty sight." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to a junkyard, where we see Tanaka about to meet his fate at the hands of the movie's main villain. The leader of the Iron Claw clan named Funekei Yoshida, played brilliantly by Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa.
(A clip from Mortal Kombat is shown)
Shang Tsung (Played by Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa): Your brother's soul is mine.
(Tanaka gets crushed to death while he's still in the car screaming)
Sato: Mr. Tanaka should have retired when we gave him the chance.
Yoshida (Played by Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa): One must submit to the inevitable. Hate to see him die that way. It crushes me.
"I guess you could say that Tanaka's death was crushing." Sean said as a comedic drum riff plays in the background.
(A clip from iCarly is shown)
Sam Puckett (Played by Jennette McCurdy): Oh, my God. No, no, no.
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to a party filled with drugs and hot naked chicks in a pool and we're introduced to a woman named Minako Okeya, played by Tia Carrera from Wayne's World, who spots her friend smoking some crack.
Minako Okeya (Played by Tia Carrera): I thought you quit that stuff.
Angel (Played by Renee Griffin): I heard something.
Minako Okeya: It's the sound of your brain frying.
"Look, blondie. Do I need to give you a lesson on what happens to your brain on drugs?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Minako's friend Angel, played by Renee Griffin, who I swear looks like the older version of Shay Rudolph from The Babysitter's Club, is spooked out about something that she heard. Something about the Yakuza sending some guys to kill Tanaka. But when Master Tatsu and the Funky Bunch show up to tell her that Yoshida wants to speak to her, she knows that shes screwed when they caught her on camera talking on the phone with Tanaka about the Yakuza taking over, in which Yoshida doesn't take kindly.
Yoshida: That was foolish. You're our guest. Loyalty is an admirable trait. (Gets up from off of his seat) But Mr. Tanaka is retiring.
Angel: I don't believe you.
Yoshida: He didn't either. So, you're looking for employment, yes? Angel, what am I gonna do with you?
"Yeah. How are you gonna get out of this one, blondie? This is the Yakuza that you're dealing with here. The Yakuza, a.k.a. The Poison Fists of the Pacific Rim. The Japanese Mafia. They'll kill ya five times before you hit the ground." Sean said, referencing The Simpsons season eight episode The Twisted World of Marge Simpson.
Angel: I could do you. Even in front of these guys.
(Angel takes off Yoshida's jacket and unbuttons his shirt as she makes her way down to his pants, but Yoshida stops her and pulls her up)
Yoshida: I think I'll do you.
"Hey, looks like Yoshida-san wants his men to watch him bang this hot chick. Although, it's giving me an idea for an iCarly/Victorious one-shot where Jade has sex with Freddie in front of Carly." Sean said.
"Thank you for sharing that with us." Brian said, in his Double D voice.
Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, they get Angel to smoke some meth while Yoshida uses Goro Majima's Tanto Blade to slice her clothes off….
We then cut to Sean, who is busy typing his Victorious Jori one-shot on his laptop.
"Jade ran the blade of her scissors up and down Tori's stomach, then back up to her front-hooked bra as Tori trembled a bit, watching as Jade…" Sean said, before looking up at the camera as stops typing on his laptop. "Sorry, that dude is giving me some ideas for my Schneiderverse fanfics here."
Sean: (Narrating) ...anyway, he slices her clothes off and he films the whole thing and he starts touching her while she grinds against him to make sure that he gets a hard-on. And yes, we're treated to see that chick's breasts.
"I mean, she's got a nice rack and everything. And she's pretty sexy…" Sean said.
(Sato hands Yoshida a katana)
"...and at least he's gonna bang her hard and get a little kinky with her by using a katana on her. Um, what?" Sean asked.
(Yoshida gets ready to kill Angel)
"Dude, don't you dare. Don't you dare! I swear to Christ if you do anything to harm that hot chick with nice tits..." Sean said.
(Yoshida ends up beheading Angel)
A shocked, yet angered Sean looks at the camera in complete rage.
"You killed the titties, you asshole!" Sean yelled out as he slams his fists on the table.
Sean: (Narrating) What? Is it a crime for an attractive blonde to give you an erection?! What was your excuse to kill her?!
Sean: (V/O as Yoshida) Did you just make me cum in my pants? Your soul is mine!
(Yoshida beheads Angel)
"Hey, she was going to give him a little head." Brian said.
"Now's not the right time, Brian!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Man, watching this scene as a kid really took me by shock. I mean that level of drug abuse and sexual assault plus decapitation all in one scene can really take somebody in shock. What was it that Brandon Lee said in the movie?
Murata: You know, this is a weird part of town.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Kenner and Murata are on the scene when the coroner finds Angel's body, explaining to them that she's been decapitated and she ran an analysis on Angel's body.
Nonnie Russell (Coroner) (Played by Vernee Watson-Johnson): There were enough methamphetamines in her system to kill her.
Kenner: What kind?
Nonnie Russell (Coroner): It's called ice. It was big in Japan, but I haven't seen it much here. It makes rock look like decaf.
"Ice is one hell of a drug." Sean said, in his Rick James voice.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, while driving around Little Tokyo, Kenner and Murata take some time to get to know each other.
Murata: Listen, champ. I was raised in the Valley. My dad's a white guy who's a dentist. I know about malls, MTV, driving Dad's car on Mulholland.
Kenner: That doesn't explain the Bushido.
Murata: Mom decided for a Japanese identity I should study the martial arts. Actually, she had this idea about flower arranging first, but be serious. What's your excuse?
Kenner: I was raised in Japan.
Murata: Did you have to do that flower-arranging stuff?
Kenner: A warrior who knows only one side leaves himself vulnerable to attack. Many of the greatest samurai also wrote haiku.
"Just to recap, we have the whitest guy that has an Asian background playing a white guy of partial Japanese descent who does not like Japanese culture and we have a Swedish guy playing an American who was raised in Japan and he does not appreciate American culture." Sean said, laughing a bit. "Okay, that's kind of hilarious. It's just like me saying that I'm the whitest black guy who's part Irish and Native American playing a black guy who's part Irish and part Native American and does not appreciate Irish culture in a movie."
Sean: (Narrating) Kenner and Murata arrive at the popular downtown nightclub called the Bonsai Club, which was owned by Tanaka, as Kenner knocks out stuntman Brandscombe Richmond and Murata knocks out three more guards. So, the two of them enter the club, where they see topless Asian chick sumo wrestling and naked women being used for Nyotaimori, which is the act of serving sushi off of a naked woman.
Kenner: Sushi in the raw.
(We see men eating sushi off of a naked woman. The woman's breasts are censored by the words "Too Hot For YouTube" in a black box)
Murata: You know that thing I said about the fish? I could change my mind.
"Oh, man. That's my kind of club to go to. I want to eat sushi off of naked chicks." Sean said.
"Excuse me?! Like you wouldn't eat sushi off of my naked body." Taylor said, crossing her arms at Sean.
"I wasn't talking about you." Sean said as Taylor throws a shoe at him.
Sean: (Narrating) We then see Minako on stage singing. (Posters for Wayne's World and Batman: Mask of the Phantasm are shown) Yeah, save it for those two movies.
Kenner: See that girl singing?
Murata: (Sees Murako) Oh, God. Yeah.
Minako Okeya: (Sings) ...who will spend some time.
Murata: You're right. I could get immersed in some of that.
"Did I mention that she did a song for Batman: Mask of the Phantasm?" Sean asked. "It was playing during the end credits." Sean said.
"Didn't she play the bad guy in True Lies?" Brian asked.
"Yeah." Sean said.
"Oh, yeah. I remember." Brian said.
Kenner: Hi, we're looking for Angel Mueller. Have you seen her?
Minako Okeya: You must be Sgt. Kenner.
Murata: Everybody does know you.
Minako Okeya: I shouldn't be talking to you.
Kenner: When'd you last see her?
"When Shang Tsung beheaded her while she was giving her an erection. I still can't believe that the son of a bitch did that!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) As Kenner questions Minako, she lets him know that the last time that she saw her was at the party last night that was thrown for the Red Dragon Brewery who's the new owner of the club and that she never saw her again. After Minako leaves, Kenner and Murata are ambushed by the Yakuza and we get a little fight scene with some sweet moves by Brandon Lee. After that fight scene, they are taken to see the club's new owner, who happens to be Yoshida and Kenner has a connection to Yoshida.
(Kenner recognizes Yoshida. Yoshida recognizes Kenner as Kenner flashes back to the night his parents were killed. It was revealed that Yoshida killed Kenner's parents. Yoshida slaps Kenner in the face. Kenner hits Yoshida, causing the katana to hit Yoshida's face)
"Turns out that Yoshida was the man who killed Kenner's parents. Jeez, did I just stumble across Batman '89? And what is with Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa killing family members in movies?" Sean asked.
(Kenner hits one of the goons in the face and grabs his gun as he points it at Yoshida while Yoshida's men point their guns at Kenner. Kenner opens Yoshida's shirt, revealing his tattoo)
Yoshida: Have we met before?
Kenner: Last time I saw you, your face matched.
Yoshida: I knew you would come some day. You saved me the trouble of waiting. You should've finished the job then.
Kenner: I'll do it for you.
(Kenner gets ready to shoot Yoshida)
Yoshida: I don't think so.
"Come on, Kenner. Don't you know that you have to challenge the man to Mortal Kombat?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) But before things could get really ugly, Murata manages to defuse the situation and Kenner doesn't kill him. After they leave the nightclub, Kenner gives Murata a little more info about his backstory and why he's holding a grudge against Yoshida.
Kenner: I told you I was brought up in Japan. My father was an MP with the occupational forces. When I was nine years old, both my parents were murdered. I saw it done. The man who killed them wore the tattoo of the Iron Claw. I saw him that night as he killed my parents. I struck him in the face with his own sword. It was Yoshida.
"Oh, that's nothing. When I was eight years old, I've witnessed my parents getting shot by some gunman, it was Jack Napier. I dropped him in a vat of chemicals and he's now known as The Joker." Sean said, imitating Batman while wearing a Batman mask.
"Oh, really? Well, my father was killed by the man known as the Joker. He was working for the Valestra Crime Family." Taylor said, imitating Andrea Beaumont while dressed as the Phantasm.
"Are you kidding me? I've witnessed Tony Zucco murdering my parents when I was a kid." Brain said, imitating Robin while wearing a Robin costume.
"Um… Christopher Walken tried to kill me. Meow." Cami said, imitating Catwoman while wearing a Catwoman costume.
Sean: (Narrating) And then we get one of the greatest lines ever to be said by Brandon Lee.
Murata: We'll nail this guy. And when we get done, we're gonna go eat fish off those naked chicks.
"Oh, man. That line really had me laughing when I was a kid. You know, I just love Brandon Lee in this movie, he's the best part about it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Kenner and Murata follow Yoshida and his men to the Red Dragon Brewery and they see that Yoshida uses smaller gangs such as the Hells Angels, Crips and Surenos to peddle the drugs for him, in return for a percentage of the profit and Red Dragon Brewery is a front for the Iron Claw's drug operation.
Yoshida: The world around us changes, gentlemen. The Berlin Wall falls. Russia's no longer a superpower. America's corrupt with greedy politicians and police. The world looks to Japan for economic leadership.
"And their electronics. Man, I'm loving this PS5 more than my girlfriend." Sean said, playing Yakuza Kiwami 2 on the PS5.
Sean: (Narrating) But when one of the members of Hells Angels don't like the price, he ended up offending the guy.
Hell's Angel #1 (Played by R. David Smith): You run the crank business? No way! Go home, fucking slopehead!
(Yoshida turns to the biker and uses his katana to cut his hand off)
Crip Gang Leader (Played by Keenan Thomas): Oh shit!
Yoshida: Now you have one hand left to wipe your ass with. You want to keep it?
Hell's Angel #1: Yes!
Yoshida: We have a deal?
Hell's Angel #1: Yes!
Yoshida: How about the rest of you?
"Yeah, that reminds me. If I want to keep my hand, there's one thing that I've learned from watching this movie… DON'T FUCK WITH CARY-HIROYUKI TAGAWA!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Later, we cut to the Bonsai Club, which means more naked chicks and Yoshida tries to woo Minako, but she's not into guys who want to take your soul, so instead he takes her back to his places where he shows her a video of him killing Angel.
(While playing the video of him killing Angel)
Yoshida: This will happen to you too if you don't obey me!
Minako Okeya: (Screams) OH NO!
"And the film heavily implies that this dude raped her." Sean said. "Jesus Christ, movie. This guy makes Nishikiyama and Ryuji Goda from Yakuza Kiwami and Yakuza Kiwami 2 a bunch of complete pussies."
Sean: (Narrating) So after that scene, Yoshida and his men leave the mansion and hold Minako hostage in his home. Kenner and Murata spies on Yoshida and sees that his home is heavily guarded with a bunch of well-armed guys. After Yoshida leaves, Murata spots Minako in Yoshida's home, where she's prepared to do something really drastic.
Kenner: She's making preparations for seppuku.
Murata: What's seppuku?
Kenner: Ritual suicide. It's rarely done by women unless they've been irredeemably dishonored.
"Uh, I've already talked about seppuku earlier." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And what better way for a stealth mission is by snaking in a heavily-guarded mansion while rocking keytar music plays in the background. Kenner takes out a couple of men with his gun, that's not stealthy and he does this to one of the goons.
(One of the henchmen stand in front of the door as Kenner punches through the door and grabs the man by his pants and snaps his neck)
"Ouch! Low blow, guy! Ivan Drago the Crotch Grabber!" Sean exclaimed.
(Kenner grabs the guy by his pants while Tom's scream from Tom & Jerry plays)
(Kenner breaks through the door and stops Minako from committing suicide as he picks her up and goes through the window)
"Uh, dude. You do know that there was a door right there." Sean said.
Sean: (V/O as Kenner) Fuck, doors! I must break this window.
Sean: (Narrating) Kenner takes out a couple more men and goes all Incredible Hulk on our asses by tipping a car over and he makes his escape with Minako. Back with Yoshida, he's disappointed by one of his men who dishonored him and in standard Yakuza traditions, the guy cuts off his own pinky and hands it to him.
"Well, Yoshida's taking it very well. At least he didn't lose his cool." Sean said.
(Yoshida grabs the Tanto and stabs the man in the heart, killing him)
"Well, I guess he's extremely pissed off." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) To make sure that his men don't fuck up again, Yoshida orders his men to go after Kenner and kill him. Kenner and Murata do some more investigating as they track down Yoshida and his men at a bath house. And yes, we have the Yakuza in their traditional bath house diapers and more topless women. Also, Kenner confronts Yoshida with the evidence to his crimes.
Kenner: And you got a bad habit of taping things.
"Yeah, he's right. Videotaping yourself fondling some hot chick and decapitating her was a really dumb move. Not to mention that you fed her some drug. That's some shit that's gonna come biting you back on your ass, Yoshida." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We do get another fight scene where we see Lundgren and Lee fighting a bunch of guys in bath house diapers.
(Kenner gets into a knife fight with a fat Yakuza member as Yoshida picks up a water hose and sprays Kenner with it, knocking him down)
Sean: (V/O as Kenner) AHHHH! Water! A Swede's weakness!
(Murata picks up a stool and throws it at Yoshida before cutting to a clip from The Simpsons, where we see Bart hitting Homer with a chair while he's taking a bath)
Sean: (Narrating) Kenner gets into a fight with a fat sumo wrestler and stabs the guy and when stabbing is not enough, Kenner kills the guy by shoving a hose in his mouth while Murata gets into a shootout with three Yakuza members armed with Uzis. So after that awesome fight scene, Kenner and Murata leave the scene as they take Minako to his place so they could hide from Yoshida and his men.
"So this Weeaboo's idea of a place to hide out is his secret Weeaboo fortress. And for those of you who don't know what the term "Weeaboo" is it's a Western person who is obsessed with Japanese culture, especially anime, often regarding it as superior to all other cultures." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So while Kenner is relaxing in his hot tub, Minako shows up to keep him company by getting naked in front of him, well it's her body double. Because Tia Carrere's body double has longer hair.
Minako Okeya: Why did you do what you did up at the house?
Kenner: Sometimes you do the right thing because you have to do the right thing.
Minako Okeya: Most people do the right thing only when it's the easiest thing to do.
"Like starring in Jury Duty with Pauly Shore, dancing with Christopher Walken in Wayne's World 2, kissing Jon Lovitz in High School High, playing an evil witch/queen in Kull the Conqueror, starring in three seasons of Relic Hunter. Okay, scratch that. She was awesome in Relic Hunter and she did play the voice of Queen Tyr'ahnee in Duck Dodgers and Nani Pelekai in Lilo & Stitch." Sean said, mentioning Tia Carrere's work.
Sean: (Narrating) And then we get the most simplistic and awkwardly silence sex scene in a movie in which Tia Carrera bangs Dolph Lundgren. I mean, come on. At least make some noise. Make her scream or something.
(A clip from World's Dumbest Partiers is shown)
John Enos: (as Porn Director) Oh my God. I am not making another porn with her.
Minako Okeya: That time… I heard you coming.
"Really? Uh, none of you made any noise, you dumb bitch. You couldn't have heard jack shit." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Kenner hears some noise coming from outside as he gets up and shows the audience his pale white ass…
"Well, that's just great. I just saw Dolph Lundgren's bare ass in 1080p. Great, now I gotta go see Luna Star's big tits just to clear my mind from that image." Sean said as he gets up from off of the couch and leaves the room.
Sean: (Narrating) Kenner and Murata start gearing up for a fight and then we get this notorious line ever utter by Brandon Lee.
Murata: Kenner. Just in case we get killed, I wanted to tell you… you have the biggest dick I've ever seen on a man.
Kenner: (Nods) Thanks.
"Nope. Nope, we're not doing that joke. I think that joke has been overused. There is no way that I am going to play…" Sean said.
Singers: The Ambiguously Gay Duo!
"That fucking joke." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Things start to get intense when Yoshida's men start storming Kenner's Weeaboo fortress, with Kenner throwing ninja knives at them and then the bad guys start shooting up the place with Murata armed with a shotgun and Kenner armed with a crossbow. Sato and the Funky Bunch hold Minako hostage and they capture Kenner and Murata and burn his house down. They're then taken to a junkyard where they're taken to Yoshida and then the two of them get electroshock treatment from this bald version of Endo from Lethal Weapon.
Murata: Really. We don't know anything.
Kenner: He's going to do this anyway. Don't beg.
Murata: Beg? Fuck you.
(Hagata starts shocking Kenner and Murata)
Kenner: (Gasps) Fuck.
Murata: In between cooking cycles, you're supposed to baste us.
Kenner: That's right, you fucking idiots!
Sean then starts to laugh a bit from the line.
"Okay, I did get a chuckle from that line. When they know that they're gonna die, they take some time to crack jokes." Sean said.
Yoshida: Kenner. You've always thought of yourself as a man of honor… but obviously that's not enough. One point, I'd thought you'd might kill me first. But then again I thought that of your father.
(Kenner spits at Yoshida)
Sean: (Narrating) Yoshida leaves as Kenner and Murata get electrocuted like Tango and Cash. But then Kenner manages to break free and electrocute discount Endo as him and Murata make their escape and get in the car. But then one of the Yakuza tries to kill them with a forklift and puts the car in the crusher and onto a shredder. Also, don't you just love that Kenner is wearing a shirt in the next shot and he as clearly wearing no shirt.
"Okay, whoever was in charge of continuity and wardrobe for Dolph Lundgren on this film, they need to get fired." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Kenner manages to punch their way out of the car as the two of them avoid becoming heavy metal sushi.
Kenner: Out of the frying pan and boned up the ass with a red-hot poker.
Murata: There you have it.
Kenner: I liked that car and I like that girl. I'd like to cut off some parts of Yoshida's anatomy.
Murata: You know, you've got a fixation, pal. Shall we climb down and kick some ass?
Kenner: 're gonna enjoy being dead for a while. Trust me. They'll be surprised when we show up.
"And you know how we're gonna do it? We're gonna do it with a training montage." Sean said.
(We cut to Kenner doing some training in a montage while the song "Fight to Survive" by Stan Bush plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to the film's climax as Kenner and Murata jack the Red Dragon Brewery truck and they drive through the fence of the brewery and through the wall. And just like Mark L. Lester's Commando, you have every single bad guy trying to kill these guys and not one single bullet hits them.
(Kenner and Murata get into a shoot out with the bad guys)
"STOP SHOOTING AT THE FLOOR, YOU MORONS!" Sean yelled at the camera.
(The shootout continues as Kenner and Murata continue to shoot at Yoshida's men)
Sean: (Narrating) You know, these two guys manage to hit anyone and yet the bad guys have terrible aim like the Stormtroopers from Star Wars.
"Ha ha! We're gonna destroy you two before you even star in Universal Soldier and Rapid Fire!" Sean yelled, imitating one of Yoshida's henchmen while firing his MP5 submachine gun randomly.
(We intercut with footage of Kenner and Murata shooting)
We then cut back to Sean as he gets shot up by Kenner and Murata before falling to the floor.
Sean: (Narrating) Kenner goes after Yoshida and Minako while Murata deals with Master Tastu, who thinks he's the Asian version of Darth Maul and we get a pretty awesome fight scene with Brandon Lee showing off some pretty sweet moves. Murata kicks Sato into a vat of chemicals and before that guy ends up turning into the Asian version of the Joker, Murata finishes off with one bad-ass one-liner.
Murata: You have the right to be dead.
(Murata throws his lighter down into the vat of chemicals, killing Sato as it explodes)
Sean: (Narrating) But this craziness doesn't even end here as Kenner goes after Yoshida and saves Minako from turning into Michael Bay's wet dream. He chases Shang Tsung down into the streets of Little Tokyo where nobody is a bit surprised that a shirtless, hulking white man is running around with a massive machine gun.
"Man, the lack of gun control in America. It has affected things so much that people are like: "Oh, my God. There's a man running around with a machine gun!", and yet these morons in the parade aren't phased by this? This must be a normal Tuesday for us." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Yoshida manages to hit Kenner with a bullet and some of the people in the parade scatter and even though he got shot in the chest, Kenner decides to go mano y mano with Yoshida.
Kenner: You don't have the honor to fight like a man.
Yoshida: You do believe in fate, don't you, Kenner?
"Hey, you killed his parents. So now, he's challenging you to Mortal Kombat." Sean said.
(During the fight, Kenner and Murata duel with katanas while the crowd, Murata and Minako watch. Kenner slashes Yoshida's stomach. Yoshida kicks Kenner and knocks his katana from out of his hand. Kenner tries to go for his katana but ends up getting his forearm and chest slashed by Yoshida)
Sean: (V/O as Kenner) Ow! OW! Not my chest!
(Yoshida knocks Kenner down on the ground and prepares to kill him)
(A sound clip from Mortal Kombat plays in the background)
Shang Tsung: Your soul is mine.
(Kenner throws Yoshida down on the ground)
Murata: Take him!
(Kenner runs for the katana and slashes Yoshida in the chest before impaling him with it)
"Okay, before I move on, you're about to witness the most silliest death ever. It is known to make people die from laughter. So, before you watch this guy's demise, I want you to take a deep breath…" Sean said as he takes a deep breath before watching the scene. "So sit back and watch."
Kenner: This is for my parents.
(Yoshida tries to grab Kenner by his throat but Kenner stops him and throws him on a Catherine wheel, impaling him on it)
Murata: Yeah!
(The wheel spins around at high speed as Yoshida screams while fireworks go off. The wheel then explodes, killing Yoshida)
We then cut back to Sean, who starts laughing from watching Yoshida's death scene.
"Oh, my God. That was ridiculous. I mean, who the hell lit those things? What the hell is going on? Why did they explode? Were they always going to explode? I mean, what if he didn't throw that dude like a lawn dart and pinned him to the wheel?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Kenner gets the girl and everyone at the parade bow to him for taking on the Yakuza and showing some honor and Kenner and Murata try to explain what happened on the police report.
Murata: What are we gonna call this in the police report?
Kenner: How about, "Community relations"?
Murata: We blew up the crime scene, killed the suspects…
Kenner: And joined the local parade.
Murata: I like it.
(Kenner laughs)
(The end credits are shown)
"And that was Showdown in Little Tokyo, and man this movie kick ASS! It's ungodly stupid, but it kicks ASS!" Sean yelled out.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) This movie is loads of fun to watch. The script is generic, the story is lame, the direction is lifeless and the acting is dull. But it had some great action scenes. Another problem with this movie was that it was short, the film was originally meant to run for 90 minutes but the studio demanded it to be cut down to 79 minutes. For a movie that was made in the 90s packed with one-liners, boobs and explosions, this is a pretty underrated gem and I absolutely love it. Showdown in Little Tokyo comes in at 3 naked chick with sushi on them out of 5.
"I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- You have the biggest dick I've ever seen on a man.
And that's all for the review of Showdown in Little Tokyo for The Mayhem Critic. Man, that movie was short and at least I finished the review just in time and it didn't take me that long to finish it. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, which review do you want me to do next? Here are the choices:
What the Hell Were They Thinking?: The Seddie Arc: Sean takes a look at iCarly's horrible decision, which was the infamous Seddie Arc and asks what the hell were they thinking?
Yours, Mine and Ours (2005 remake): Sean finds a new punching bag in the form of director Raja Gosnell when he takes a look at the 2005 remake Yours, Mine and Ours.
Leonard Part 6: Sean rants on the infamous Bill Cosby movie.
Which one should I review next? Feel free to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.