The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and I'm here to bring you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Halloween Havoc IV continues and you're all in for a real treat because this is a movie that I really wanted to review for a long time and I've picked the perfect time to review it. Today, Sean the Mayhem Critic is going to take a look at the 1993 comedy Hocus Pocus and wondered why this movie is so popular and explores how the movie went from being a Box Office flop to being a Halloween favorite that everyone loves and along the way he takes on some witches as well. So sit back, relax and enjoy the hilarious new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Hocus Pocus is owned by Walt Disney Pictures.
Halloween Havoc IV Part IV: Hocus Pocus
(The 2021 Halloween Havoc intro is shown: the graves in the Nostalgia Cemetery are shown on the the tombstones: "The Amazing Spider-Man 3", "Spider-Man 4", "All Canceled Disney Movies" and "Untitled Atlantis Sequel"; the Simpsons couch gag in Sean and Taylor's house shows Batman, Phantasm and The Joker sitting on the couch as Sean runs into the room and sits down on the couch as he looks at the three of them before turning his attention to the TV)
As the intro ends, we open with Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting on his couch as he prepares to start his signature introduction.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said. "Let's talk about Halloween classics."
(A montage of Halloween classics like A Nightmare Before Christmas, It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown, Toy Story of Terror!, Garfield's Halloween Adventure and Casper's Halloween Adventure and more are shown as followed)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, it's that time again as we tune in to our favorite specials that we just love to watch. Some old and some new. Me, I tend to watch some of my Halloween specials that I tend to catch on television or that I own on DVD or on a streaming service. Also, I tend to watch some of my favorite scary movies as well with films like Poltergeist, Halloween and any Stephen King movie. (The posters for It and It: Chapter Two are shown) Uh, yeah. Don't worry, I'll get to those later and I know I haven't watched them yet. I'm just preparing myself to watch those two.
"And since we're on the topic of Halloween movies, there comes a Halloween film that people enjoy and they watch when October comes. And that movie is Hocus Pocus." Sean said.
(The title screen for "Hocus Pocus" is shown, followed by clips from the movie while the song "I've Put a Spell on You" by Bette Midler plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Released in 1993, Hocus Pocus is one of my favorite Halloween movie from my childhood. Back in 1993, the film was a Box-Office flop, critics hated it, especially Roger Ebert of all people. Well, no wonder the film flopped, it was released in theaters on July 16th, 1993! It's like releasing a Christmas movie in February. (A poster for the movie Reindeer Games is shown) But over the years, the movie became a cult classic. The movie grossed over $8, 214,943 in DVD sales in six years. Hell, we make it a priority to catch it's showings on Freeform every october. This kid-friendly flick was written by the movie's producer David Kirschner, who produced the Child's Play movies. He came up with the idea for the film one night when him and his daughter were sitting outside and his neighbor's black cat strayed by and he invented a tale of how the cat was once a boy who was changed into a feline three hundred years ago by three witches. The film was also co-written by Psycho IV director Mick Garris, who we all know him as the go-to guy for every Stephen King miniseries. The movie was also directed by Kenny Ortega, who was the choreographer for some great films like Pretty in Pink, Ferris Bueller's Day Off and Dirty Dancing. He also directed the movie Newsies, the High School Musical trilogy and the Descendants trilogy, which I've talked about before. Since the critics hated it so much back then and people love it so much right now, who's got the right opinion on this flick? Well, you'll be hearing my opinion on this movie. Hell, it's funnier than The Crucible, which is about witches.
(A clip from The Crucible is shown)
John Proctor (Played by Daniel Day-Lewis): And now she'll stab me with a scream but she is a whore!
"Let's get our broomsticks ready, this is Hocus Pocus." Sean said before noticing a candle that's sitting on his coffee table. "Hey, who left this candle on my table?"
(The movie opens with Thackery Binx sleeping in bed)
Sean: (Narrating) The movie opens in Salem, Massachusetts in the year 1693, where we see a young lad by the name of Thackery Binx, played by Sean Murray, being awoken as a witch passes by his house and he becomes concerned for his sister Emily.
"Fun fact: actor Sean Murray had been living in Australia and picked up the Australian accent. So, his lines were dubbed over by Jason Marsden, who you might remember him as the voice of Max from A Goofy Movie. They did it for consistency and because Marsden had a more "Old World" sounding voice." Sean said.
Thackery Binx (Played by Sean Murray and voiced by Jason Marsden): (Grabs Elijah by the shirt) Not yet! You wake my father! Summon the others! Go!
(We see the caption that says "Jason Marsden's voice" appearing on screen)
Sean: (Narrating) He sees his little sister Emily getting whisked away by a witch after he hears some singing coming from the witch. So, he tells his neighbor friend to rally up the others while he runs off alone and makes it to the witches' cottage in good time as he sees the witches dancing around Emily very creepily and we get our introduction to one of the witches as she says this line.
(One of the witches, Winifred opens the window and looks around)
Winifred Sanderson (Played by Bette Midler): Oh look, another glorious morning. (pause) Makes me sick!
"Man, this film has some quotable lines. And boy, do I love it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We're introduced to the Sanderson sisters: Winifred played by Bette Midler, Mary played by Kathy Najimy and Sarah played by Sarah Jessica Parker. Let me just say this, the three of them are comedy gold. Hell, no wonder the three of them got top billing over the other actors. So Winifred wakes up her spellbook, which has a working eye.
"So she has her hands on the Necronomicon. Okay, unless Bruce Campbell is involved with a chainsaw hand and his boomstick and getting ready to kick some witchy ass, then we're in for one hell of a movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The witches brew themselves up a potion to make themselves younger, with Sarah and Mary acting like a bunch of idiots by throwing toes at each other.
(Mary and Sarah begin tossing toes at each other. Mary throws a toe at Sarah. Sarah ducks down as a toe hits the back of Winifred's head)
Winifred Sanderson: Will you two stop that? I need to concentrate.
Mary Sanderson (Played by Kathy Najimy): Sorry. (To Sarah) She needs to concentrate.
"I don't want you two imbeciles to mess up my spell. Okay, now where was I?" Sean asked, imitating Winifred.
Sean: (Narrating) After adding a bit of their own tongue to the potion, ewww. They attempt to get Emily to drink the potion, but then Thackery jumps in to stop them and spills the potion from out of the cauldron.
Thackery Binx: Emily!
(Thackery almost reaches for Emily but Winifred hits him with blasts of electricity and he drops to the ground)
"Boy, I didn't know that Winifred learned force lightning. Who taught her that, Emperor Palpatine?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) But then Emily's life force is glowing around her, for some odd reason. I mean, we don't even see her drinking the damn potion. And why would she even drink it? She wasn't in any trance. Hell, could you explain the surprised look that she made when she saw Thackery?
(Cut to Emily's reaction to seeing her brother outside the window)
"I guess I can say this: YOU'RE AN IDIOT!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) They proceed to suck the lifeforce from out of Emily, which makes them young. Well, younger.
Sarah Sanderson (Played by Sarah Jessica Parker): I am beautiful! Boys will love me!
Mary Sanderson: We're young! (Claps her hands)
Winifred Sanderson: Well, younger. But it's a start! Sisters!
(The sisters begin to do a little dance while some upbeat music plays)
"Okay, tone it down with the whimsical, upbeat music there, Mr. Debney. There's a dead child sitting right there. Damn, for a Disney movie made for kids, it sure got dark considering the fact that they just murdered a child. Family-friendly, my ass." Sean said as the Walt Disney Pictures logo from 1985 appears at the bottom right of the screen while the 1985 fanfare for the logo plays.
Thackery Binx: You hag! There are enough children in the world to make thee young and beautiful.
Winifred Sanderson: Hag.
Mary Sanderson: Uh-oh.
"Ewww, yeah. She doesn't take kindly to being called "ugly". That's a death wish waiting to happen." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Winifred and her sisters conjure up a spell and curse Thackery as they make him immortal and turn him into…
(Thackery is turned into a black cat)
"They turn him into my cat Riley." Sean said as he looks over at Riley and she meows at him. "Uh, are you sure you're not Binx because you do look like him."
Sean: (Narrating) The village people show up…
(A clip from the "Y.M.C.A." music video by the Village People is shown)
Village People: (Singing) Young man, there's no need to feel down. I said, young man….
"NO! Not that Village People! I'm talking about the angry mob with pitchforks and torches and out to hang you-type variety." Sean said.
(The witches try to keep a low profile)
Mary Sanderson: There be no witches here, sir.
Winifred Sanderson: Don't get your knickers in a twist. We are just three kindly old spinster ladies.
Mary Sanderson: Spending a quiet evening at home.
Sarah Sanderson: Sucking the lives out of the little children!
(Sarah screams as Winifred grabs her by her throat and tries to choke her)
"Yeah, way to keep a low profile, dumbass! No wonder you're the slow one in the group. Jesus, imagine something like this happening in the Mafia." Sean said.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see Sean, Brian and Dave as three gangsters trying to drag a dead body from out of the building)
Sean: (In an Italian accent) Alright. Vito, Carmine. Let's get rid of Fat Don's body. That'll teach that strunatz to talk about my wife like that.
Brian: (In an Italian accent) You're right Gino. No man should talk about another man's wife like that. That is so disrespectful.
Dave: (In an Italian accent) Yeah. Show some respect to a man's wife. I still can't believe that you stabbed him repeatedly. You made him scream like a little…
(Someone knocks on the door)
Lucas: (as FBI Agent) Fanucci Brothers. This is the FBI! You are under arrest! Stop what you're doing and come out with your hands up!
(Brian and Dave drop Fat Don's body on the floor)
Sean: Relax, relax. There are no crimes going on.
Brian: We're just owners of an Italian restaurant.
Dave: Killing fat mobsters.
(Sean pulls out his Ruger LCP .380 auto pistol and shoots Dave in the foot)
Dave: (Screams) Ow! AAAHHH!
Sean: You fuckin' blabbermouth!
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) The sisters are captured and are sentenced to be hanged to death by the village people. Hell, they accept quite well. So, as they start singing, the townspeople cover their ears as one of the villagers drops the book and it opens up to a spell that says they'll be resurrected by a virgin on Halloween when there's a full moon.
Winifred Sanderson: We shall be back! And the lives of all the children shall be mine!
(The sisters laugh as Mr. Binx gives the signal and the barrels that the sisters are standing on are kicked out from under them, killing them)
"Wow, child murder and seeing people getting hung to their death. Yeah, family-friendly, my ass." Sean said as the Walt Disney Pictures logo is shown again.
(Thackery, now a cat, goes over to his father and meows and rubs against his leg)
Sean: (V/O as Binx) Love me. Take me home, I'm adorable. Feed me some tuna.
Thackery's Father (Played by Norbert Weisser): Away! Away, beast!
Sean: (V/O as Binx) Racist.
Sean: (Narrating) We then jump to October 31st, 1993, where teacher Miss Olin, played by the late Kathleen Freeman respectively, is telling her class about the story of the Sanderson sisters and that on Halloween night a black cat still guards the old Sanderson house, warning off any who might make the witches come back to life. But our main character Max Dennison, played by Omri Katz, isn't skeptical at all.
Max Dennison (Played by Omri Katz): Granted that you guys here in Salem are all into these black cats and witches and stuff.
Miss Olin (Played by Kathleen Freeman): Stuff?
(Class grumbling)
Max Dennison: Fine. But everyone here knows that Halloween was invented by the candy companies.
(Miss Olin gasps)
Max Dennison: It's a conspiracy.
"You know, I agree with Max on this one. The candy companies invented Halloween so that the little kids could get all the sweet treats and stuff. Also, my girlfriend's aunt calls Halloween a satanic holiday." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) One of Max's classmates named Allison, played by Vinessa Shaw, criticizes Max for his idiotic theories.
Allison (Played by Vinessa Shaw): It just so happens that Halloween is based on the ancient feast called All Hallows' Eve. It's the one night of the year where the spirits of the dead can return to Earth.
(The class cheers and claps, and so does Miss Olin)
Miss Olin: Well said, Allison.
(Max gets up and goes over to Allison with a piece of paper in his hand)
Max Dennison: (Hands Allison the paper) Well in case Jimi Hendrix shows up tonight, here's my number.
(Allison opens the paper and looks at Max's number as the class groans and whistles)
"Call me, I'll rock your world." Sean said as he winks at the camera while imitating Max.
Boy in Class (Played by Jeff Neubauer): Max. Fat chance.
"Oh, trust me. By the time this movie is over, he's gonna be rockin' the sheets will Allison because she's the love interest in the movie. Plus, Vinessa Shaw… hellooooooooo, nur…." Sean said.
(A picture of Vinessa Shaw as Allison is shown with the words "She's 17!" is shown on screen)
"I mean when she gets older! Have you ever seen the show Ray Donovan? She was naked in the show. So yeah, you get to see Vinessa Shaw's yabos in the show." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, since this is a film from the 90s, we see that Max is the new kid in town and him and his family have moved from Los Angeles, California to Salem. And hell, he doesn't waste time in flirting with the hot girl in his class.
Max Dennison: Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to embarrass you in class.
Allison: You didn't.
Max Dennison: My name is Max Dennison.
Allison: Yeah, I know. You just moved here, huh?
Max Dennison: Yeah, last week.
Allison: Must be a big change for you.
Max Dennison: Yeah, that's for sure.
"Hey, I had to get away from all of the bizarre stuff that's been going in my hometown. My old friend Simon and I dealt with intelligent dogs that are planning on taking over the world and we also confronted a still-living Elvis Presley." Sean said, referring to the show Eerie, Indiana. "Oh, my God. I cannot believe that I've made an Eerie, Indiana reference in 2021. Does anyone even remember that show because I do! I watched it on Fox Kids. That and it's spin-off show Eerie, Indiana: The Other Dimension."
Sean: (Narrating) After getting his number back from Allison, who dresses up as Little Red Riding Hood, Max rides home on his bike and as he rides through the graveyard, he comes across your generic 90s bullies, Jay played by Tobias Jelinek and his sidekick Ernie…
Ernie 'Ice' (Played by Larry Bagby): How many times I gotta tell you? My name ain't Ernie no more, it's Ice. Ice.
Jay (Played by Tobias Jelinek): This is Ice.
(Ice turns around and we see that the word 'ICE' has been cut into the back of his hair)
"Uh... good to know. Excuse me, this Matthew Perry-looking fella is named 'Ice' played by Larry Bagby. I wonder why he's called 'Ice'. I'm guessing he's Cool as Ice? Get it? Cool as Ice? His name is Ice and the name of that bad Vanilla Ice movie is called Cool as Ice. Eh, forget it."
Jay: So! Let's have a butt.
Max Dennison: Ah, no, thanks. I don't smoke.
"Yeah, haven't you seen those PSAs about smoking? It's bad for your health. Plus, they got some pretty disturbing ones as well." Sean said, imitating Max.
Sean: (Narrating) Since they're your generic 90s bullies, Jay and Ernie…
Ernie 'Ice': My name ain't Ernie no more, it's Ice. Ice.
Sean: (Narrating) ...whatever, Ice, hassles Max for money. After Max offends Ice, they want something else instead of money, which Max doesn't have, they instead take his new Nikes, so Ice can get stompin' in his Air Force Ones. Max returns home when he sees his parents, played by Charles Rocket and Stephanie Faracy, unpacking a few things so they could get settled in their new home.
Jenny Dennison (Played by Stephanie Faracy): Hey, Max! Hey, how was school?
Max Dennison: It sucked.
Dave Dennison (Played by Charles Rocket): Hey, hey, hey, watch your language.
"Look who's talking. You're the one who ended up cursing on live television." Sean said, referring to Charles Rocket saying the f-word on Saturday Night Live.
(A clip from Saturday Night Live is shown)
Charles Rocket: Oh man, it's the first time I've ever been shot in my life. I'd like to know who the fuck did it.
Max Dennison: (Storming upstairs) I can't believe you made me move here!
Jenny Dennison: He wasn't wearin' any shoes.
Dave Dennison: Well, must be some form of protest.
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. Did I mention that the father is played by Charles Rocket, who would end up playing the bad guy Nicholas Andre in Dumb and Dumber?
(A clip from Dumb and Dumber is shown)
Nicholas Andre (Played by Charles Rocket): Oh don't play dumb with me asshole! I'm the rightful owner of that briefcase that you've been carrying around!
"Okay, to fill the 90s movie recap: we have a new kid in a new town that he doesn't like, you have the hot girl that will be the love interest, generic 90s bullies and generic 90s parents. We can check those off on the list. Now, what's missing here to add to the mix?" Sean asked.
(Max's little sister, Dani, bursts out of the closet)
Dani Dennison (Played by Thora Birch): Boo!
Max Dennison: Dani!
(Dani laughs)
"There we go! An adorable little sister. We can add it to the list." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Max's little sister, Dani, played by Thora Birch, interrupts Max while he was about to get freaky with that pillow while fantasizing about Allison and she persuades him to take her trick-or-treating.
Max Dennison: Not this year, Dani.
Dani Dennison: Mom said you have to.
Max Dennison: Well, she can take you.
Dani Dennison: She and Dad are going to the party at Town Hall.
Max Dennison: Well you're eight, go by yourself.
(Max goes over to his drum kit and starts playing)
Dani Dennison: No way. This is my first time. I'll get lost. Besides, it's a full moon outside. The weirdos are out.
"Hey, a lot of stuff happens at night because that's when the freaks come out." Sean said as he starts dancing while the song "Freaks Come Out at Night" by Whodini plays in the background.
Sean: (Narrating) Dani pleads to Max to forget about being a cool teenager for just one night and have some fun trick-or-treating. But once again, Max says no and that the old days are dead and she resorts to doing this.
"5… 4… 3… 2… 1…" Sean said while looking at his watch.
Dani Dennison: (Screams) MOM!
"Oh, yeah. This is a trait of an annoying child character. But I don't see Dani that way, she has a personality and she's both realistic and entertaining.
Sean: (Narrating) While their parents are out at a party, Max takes Dani to go trick-or-treating and he gets bored out of his mind and completely miserable. So of course, the bullies from early start acting like a bunch of complete assholes to the kids for no real reason and demanding candy from Dani.
Jay: Stop and pay the toll, kid.
Ernie 'Ice': Ten chocolate bars, no licorice.
Jay: Dump out your sack.
Dani Dennison: Drop dead. Moron.
Ernie 'Ice': Yo, twerp. How'd you like to be hung off that telephone pole?
(Dani rolls her eyes and sighs)
Dani Dennison: I'd just like to see you try, because it just so happens I've got my big brother with me. Max!
"Oh, man. Why couldn't she say that her father is Harrison Ford and he works for the CIA?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) After a few customary insults, Max hands over his bag to Jay and Ernie…
Ernie 'Ice': My name ain't Ernie no more, it's Ice. Ice.
Sean: (Narrating) ...whatever, Max berates Dani for humiliating him in front of those bullies and takes his frustrations out on her, which obviously has her crying. So, Max apologizes to Dani for being such a big fat jerk and that he hates Salem and he miss all his friends and we wants to go back home to L.A.
Dani Dennison: Well, this is your home now. So get used to it.
Max Dennison: Yeah. Gimme one more chance?
Dani Dennison: Why should I?
Max Dennison: 'Cause I'm your brother.
(Max makes a pouty face and Dani laugh)
"You know, I just love how Max and Dani are written perfectly well. It shows how much he loves his sister." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After the two of them make up, Max and Dani continue trick-or-treating, finding basically a mansion and inside, it turns out to be Allison's house, with her parents throwing a party. And damn! Allison is looking smokin' hot in that Victorian outfit. So, he tries to play it cool with the girl of his dreams, but you know, kids say the darndest things.
Allison: By the way, Dani, I love your costume.
Dani Dennison: Thank you. I really like yours, too. Of course, I couldn't wear anything like that because I don't have any… what to you call them, Max? Yabos?
(Max chokes on his cider while Alison laughs)
Dani Dennison: Max likes your yabos. In fact, he loves 'em.
"Wow, that was surprisingly mature for such a young girl to say. Yeah, family-friendly, my ass." Sean said as the Walt Disney Pictures logo is shown once more.
Sean: (Narrating) Dani tells Allison that her class learned about the sisters in school. And because Allison knows all about them, her mother used to run the museum, which is the Sanderson cottage. So, Max suggests that the three of them go there but Dani is too scared to go check it out.
Dani Dennison: Max, we're not going up there. My friends at school told me all about that place. It's weird.
Max Dennison: Dani, this is the girl of my dreams.
"Oh, yeah. He's a teenage boy. His hormones is raging and he wants to play with Allison's yabos." Sean said.
Max Dennison: Look. Just do this one thing for me and I'll do anything you say. Please? Please, please?
"And that doesn't involve you showing your boobs to the bad guy from Ghost Rider." Sean said, referring to the movie American Beauty.
Dani Dennison: Next year we go trick-or-treating as Wendy and Peter Pan. With tights, or it's no deal.
Sean: (V/O as Max) Well, at least I'm doing it for the sake of yabos.
Max Dennison: Okay, okay. Deal, deal.
Sean: (Narrating) So the three of them head down to the Sanderson cottage and they head inside. The place is dark and condemned until Max finds a Zippo lighter, which still has some fuel in it and him and Allison find a light switch. While looking around, Max spots the Black Flame Candle, the same candle that was mentioned in Winifred's prophecy, which he wants to light.
(Max moves to light the candle, but is attacked by a black cat. He manages to throw the cat off and stand up)
Max Dennison: Stupid cat!
"God, you cats are jerks! Annoying jerks!" Sean yelled out, imitating Max.
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, well. At least a black cat jumping of Max doesn't stop him from making the most stupid decision of his life.
Max Dennison: Oh, come on. It's just a bunch of hocus pocus.
"Boom! Title drop, bitch!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Max lights the candle and all hell breaks loose when the place rumbles and shakes.
Max Dennison: What happened?
Dani Dennison: A virgin lit the candle.
"Hmm, I wonder who the idiot virgin is that lit the candle." Sean said.
(A picture of Max is shown with the words "Dumb Virgin" appearing on screen)
"Yeah, that dumb virgin. And how the hell does Dani know what a virgin is? Boy, stop watching those 80s teen movies, it'll warp your fragile little mind." Sean said.
(The candles in the house light themselves up and the fire under the caudron comes up, and thus the Sanderson sisters come back to life as the three of them go into hiding as they enter. Winifred sees that someone has lit the black flame wakes up her spellbook while Mary smells some children around. Oh, yeah. Did I mention that the sisters have specific powers. Mary can smell children, Sarah lures children with her singing and Winnie is the spellcaster.
"Shouldn't you have a healer with you? You should have a full party with you." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Mary starts searching for children, sensing Dani under the counter, scaring Dani out of hiding and Dani proceeds to do this.
Dani Dennison: I thought thou'd never come, sisters.
Winifred Sanderson: Greetings, little one.
Dani Dennison: 'Twas I who brought you back.
Winifred Sanderson: Imagine. Such a pretty little… (has trouble with the word) ...child.
"Okay, that's a pretty clever plan. Making them think that they were brought back by another witch." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But that plan goes kaput when Mary gets a little threatening and the witches try to stick her in the cauldron, but Max appears to stop them from making a meal out of his little sister.
(Winifred hits Max with a jolt of electric energy)
"Oh, yeah. I'm having some serious deja vu right now." Sean said.
Winifred Sanderson: Hello. Goodbye.
(Winifred hits Max with a jolt of electric energy which picks him up)
Sean: (V/O as Winifred) UNLIMITED POWER!
Allison: Mary!
Mary Sanderson: (Turns around) Well, hello.
(Allison hits Mary with the broom, knocking her down. She then grabs the cast-iron skillet and hits her in the head with it)
"Boy, you made Max into the damsel in distress here. You know, you should make him a Disney Princess." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Dani hits Winnie and Sarah with her bag of candy and the black cat attacks Winifred. The three of them head out of the house, but Max decides to stay behind and play the hero once more.
Max Dennison: Hey! You've messed with the great and powerful Max, and now must suffer the consequences. I summon the Burning Rain of Death!
Sisters: The Burning Rain of Death? Burning Rain of Death? I don't know.
(Max flips open the lighter and lights i)
Winifred Sanderson: He makes fire in his hand.
(Max holds the flame under one of the sprinklers and suddenly the sprinklers go off. The sisters run for cover)
Winifred Sanderson: Oh, oh… the Burning Rain of Death! Come on, you idiots. Get under the shelter! Come on, you fools!
"Come, sisters! We do not want the same fate as our long-lost sister." Sean said, referring to the Wicked Witch from The Wizard of Oz.
(Max slips on some water while he tries to make a run for it. The black cat jumps on his chest)
Binx: Nice going, Max.
(Max's eyes widen in surprise)
Max Dennison: You can talk.
Binx: Yeah, no kidding.
"Oh, man. Salem from Sabrina the Teenage Witch just talked to me. I need to stop eating Italian sausage before I go to bed. My parents warned me not to do that." Sean said, imitating Max.
Sean: (Narrating) The black cat, revealed to be Thackery Binx, tells Max to grab the spellbook, which he does and he leaves out of there with it. Winifred realizes that Max has tricked them with water, so maybe they're a little bit more smarter than the average witch.
(The sisters hurry outside, but stop just by the side of the road. The road is black concrete and a little wet)
Mary Sanderson: 'Tis a black river.
Sarah Sanderson: Perhaps it is not too deep.
(Sarah puts her foot out to test it as Winifred and Mary shove her onto the road and she screams. Sarah doesn't sink and she hops around a bit)
Sarah Sanderson: 'Tis firm!
"Oh, man." Sean laughs. "For people who murder children, you chicks are sure not bright."
(The sisters head into the direction the kids went, but they stop and scream in horror as a fire truck comes towards them as they run and hide)
(A sound clip from Jim Morrison's rant plays)
Jim Morrison: You're all a bunch of fucking idiots!
Sean: (Narrating) Max, Dani and Alison are led to a cemetery by Binx because it's hallowed ground and the witches can't set foot there and they show them the grave of William Butcherson.
Max Dennison: "William Butcherson"? "Lost soul"?
Binx: Billy Butcherson was Winifred's lover. But she found him sporting with her sister, Sarah. So she poisoned him and sewed his mouth shut with a dull needle, so he couldn't tell her secret even in death. Winifred always was the jealous type.
"Man, that is pretty damn evil. That dude was caught by Winifred while he was macking with her ditzy sister Sarah. So, Sarah is a ditz and a tramp and Winifred murdered her lover. Yeah, family-friendly, my ass." Sean said as the Walt Disney Pictures logo is shown once more.
Sean: (Narrating) Back at the Sanderson cottage, Winifred explains to her sisters that the magic that brought them back only works on All Hallows' Eve and when the sun comes up, they turn to dust and they need the rejuvenation potion to keep them alive. So, she explains her plan to them multiple times for them to understand.
Winifred Sanderson: Therefore, it stands to reason, does it not, sisters dear, that we must find the book, brew the potion, and suck the lives out of the children of Salem before sunrise? Otherwise, it's curtains! We evaporate! We cease to exist! Dost thou comprehend?
Mary Sanderson: Well, you explained it beautifully, Winnie. The way you sorta started out with the adventure part and then you sorta slowly went into the…
Sarah Sanderson: Explained what?
"These are the feared witches of Salem. No wonder the villagers killed them. And how long did it take for them to kill those idiots?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Back at the cemetery, Binx shows the trio Emily's grave and reaffirms his life mission to stop the witches.
Binx: When Winifred and her sisters returned, I'd be there to stop them. So for three centuries, I've guarded their house on All Hallows' night, when I knew some airhead virgin might light that candle.
Dani Dennison: Nice going, airhead.
"Hey, take it easy on your brother, you little twerp. It's not his fault that he's a virgin. The poor guy was waiting to find the right girl to get with." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Alison tries to look through the spellbook, but Binx stops her from looking through it because that spellbook contains Winifred's most dangerous spells. I mean, come on. You guys are talking about three witches vs. the 20th century. How bad could it be? It's not like they could find them. So Max tries to burn the spellbook with the lighter but it's protected by magic. And guess who shows up.
(Winifred and her sisters arrive at the cemetery on their broomsticks)
Winifred Sanderson: It's just a bunch of hocus-pocus!
"Boom! Title drop, bitch!" Sean exclaimed. "Man, that's the first time that another character had to do a title drop in the same movie that I'm reviewing. Also, how did she know that he said that? She was dead! What? It's not like she has super hearing. Hell, she doesn't know what a goddamn road was."
(Sarah flies over to the trio)
Sarah Sanderson: Brave little virgin who lit the candle. I'll be thy friend.
Alison: Hey, take a hike.
(Alison swings a tree branch at Sarah)
Sean: (V/O as Sarah) Ow! No fair! You just hit me with a branch. My one enemy!
Winifred Sanderson: Book. Come to Mummy.
(The book levitates from off of the ground but Binx jumps on top of it)
Binx: 'Fraid not!
Winifred Sanderson: Thackeray Binx, thou mangy feline. Still alive?
Binx: And waiting for you.
Winifred Sanderson: Thou hast waited in vain, and thou will fail to save thy friends, just as thou failed to save thy sister!
"And thou shall kicketh thy ass, you witch!" Sean exclaimed, imitating Binx.
Sean: (Narrating) The trio grab the books while the sisters fly around for a bit. And since this is hallowed ground, they can't touch them. But only one problem: somebody else can as Winifred casts a spell to resurrect her dead lover from the grave.
(Billy bursts forth from his grave. He's a zombie. The group and Binx look at each other before looking at Billy and screams)
"And this zombie is Billy Butcherson, played by Doug Jones in one of his earliest roles before frequently collaborating with acclaimed director Guillermo del Toro with films like Pan's Labyrinth, Hellboy, Mimic, Hellboy II: The Golden Army, Crimson Peak and The Shape of Water, one of my favorite films of all time." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Billy Butcherson is resurrected and he is not happy to see Winifred. Hey, I would be too if she ends up poisoning me and sews my mouth shut. The three of them manage to get away from Billy as Max manages to knock his head off with a tree branch. But that doesn't stop him that easily and Winnie gets irritated with him.
Winifred Sanderson: Oh, cheese and crust. He's lost his head! Damn that Thackery Binx. Damn him! Billy, which way did they go? (Shrieks) Billy, listen to me. Follow those children, you maggot museum. And get my book! Then come find us. We'll be ready for them. Quit staring at me! Get moving down that hole. Damn, damn, double damn!
"Damn, this movie is edgy for it's PG-rating and it's colorful language. Yeah, family-friendly, my ass." Sean said as the Walt Disney Pictures logo is shown again.
Sean: (Narrating) While our heroes are traveling through the old Salem crypt which leads to the sewers, and the sisters head outside the cemetery gate to wait for them. We get a pretty ridiculous but funny scene where they do a calming circle to calm Winifred down. A bus arrives, which startles them and they get greeted by a bus driver.
Bus Driver (Played by Don Yesso): Bubble, bubble, I'm in trouble.
Winifred Sanderson: Tell me, friend, what is this contraption?
Bus Driver: I call it a bus.
Winifred Sanderson: And it's purpose?
Bus Driver: To convey gorgeous creatures such as yourselves to your most forbidden desires.
Winifred Sanderson: (Laughs) Well, fancy. We desire children.
Bus Driver: Hey, that might take me a couple of tries, but I don't think there'll be a problem.
We cut back to Sean as he almost chokes on his apple cider and makes a shocked look on his face from hearing the bus driver's response.
"What the hell, movie?! Okay, why the hell did Disney approve of this? That guy just admitted that he desires children." Sean said as he shudders in disgust. "Yeah, family-friendly, my ass."
(The Walt Disney Pictures logo appears while the fanfare plays)
Sean: (Narrating) Binx finds a way out of the sewers via a manhole and after he gets up, the bus driver somehow let's Sarah drive the bus and then this happens.
(Sarah ends up hitting something)
Bus Driver: Whoa! Speed bump!
Dani Dennison: Binx! Oh!
"Oh, I'm sure that Binx is alright. I mean, it's not like he's dead or some…" Sean said.
(Max, Dani and Alison climb up out of the sewers)
Max Dennison: Oh, my God.
(They see that Binx is squished flat as Dani turns to Alison and begins to cry)
"JESUS TONGUE-FUCKING CHRIST, MOVIE! That is pretty gruesome for a family film, Disney! Look, you can kill off Bambi's mom, you can kill of Mufasa, hell you can give any Disney villain a gruesome death by either have them fall to their deaths, impaled by a sword or a ship or death by vines wrapped around their neck or crashing their car into a subway train, but you guys just resorted to showing a dead cat getting squished. Yeah, family-friendly, my ass!" Sean yelled out as the Walt Disney Pictures logo is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) But luckily, Binx inflates again until he's back to normal since he's immortal. Back with the sisters, Mary brings the bus to a full stop as she tells Winifred that she can smell children. As they head outside, they're thoroughly confused by all of the children dressed in their costumes, thinking that they're hobgoblins. Then, we get the greatest cameo ever where some guy dressed as the Devil makes an appearance with the sisters believing him to be the actual Satan. By the way, the guy dressed as Satan is played by Garry Marshall.
Satan (Played by Garry Marshall): It's the Sanderson sisters, right?
Winifred Sanderson: At your service.
Satan: Haven't seen you for centuries. But what the heck, why don't you come in? Come into the nonsmoking section.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Max, Dani and Alison, they approach a motorcycle cop and they fill him in on what's going on.
Max Dennison: (To the cop) Well… Well, you see… I just moved here. Well, you see, it's like this, I… I broke into the old Sanderson house and I brought the witches back from the dead. See, I even have the book.
Cop (Played by Michael McGrady): You lit the Black Flame Candle?
Max Dennison: Yeah.
(The cop gets off his bike)
Cop: Okay, let's get on the sidewalk.
Dani Dennison: And he's a virgin.
Cop: Come here. (Quietly to Max) Are you a virgin?
Max Dennison: Yeah.
Cop: Really?
"Oh, my God. Are you kidding me here? Why is everybody making such a big deal about him being a virgin? And way to announce it to the world, Dani. Little big mouth. Yeah, family-friendly, my ass." Sean said as the Walt Disney Pictures logo is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) Thinking that it's a prank, the cop sends them away and then…
(A blonde, dressed as a hooker, comes out of the liquor store)
Cop's Girlfriend (Played by Leigh Hamilton): What's so funny, Eddie?
Cop: Just a bunch of kids pullin' my chain. They thought I was a real cop.
(The cop's girlfriend laughs)
"Hey, asshole. Impersonating an officer like that with an accurate uniform and vehicle is pretty damn illegal and it would give an immediate prison sentence. So yeah, I would probably think twice before acting so damn smug about it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back at Discount Satan's house, he invites the sisters inside and he introduces them to his wife, played by Penny Marshall. Let me mind you that this is Garry Marshall's sister and she's playing his wife in the movie.
Satan: My three favorite witches.
The Master's Wife (Played by Penny Marshall): Aren't you broads a little old to be trick-or-treating?
Winifred Sanderson: We'll be younger in the morning.
The Master's Wife: Yeah, sure. Me too. Excuse me.
"I have to guest star in an episode of Sam & Cat with Cindy Williams." Sean said, imitating Penny Marshall.
Sean: (Narrating) While the sisters are in Discount Satan's house, we see that three little girls dressed as witches begin to do some grand theft broom on them and I swear I thought that little redheaded girl was Libby from the show Grace Under Fire (a picture of the character Libby from Grace Under Fire is shown). Back in the house we see that the sisters are busy frolicing around: Winnie is rummaging through the kitchen thinking that it's a torture chamber, Mary watching television and liking it and also Sarah has to use her seductive ways to charm Garry Marshall and dance with him.
"I'm guessin' that Carrie Bradshaw wants him to check out her yabos and play with them. Boy, his Viagra is about to kick in." Sean chuckled.
Sean: (Narrating) Penny Marshall has had enough of their foolishness and she kicks them out by letting her little dog chase them out of the house and they find that their brooms have been stolen.
Sarah Sanderson: My broom!
Winifred Sanderson: My broom!
Mary Sanderson: My broom!
Winifred Sansderson: Purloined. Curses!
(A clip from Futurama plays)
Professor Farnsworth (Voiced by Billy West.): Oh I don't have time for this! I have to go buy a single piece of fruit with a coupon and then return it, making people wait behind me while I complain!
Sean: (Narrating) Winifred becomes the voice of reason as she explains to her sisters that the children are in costumes and we get one of my favorite moments in the film.
Winifred Sanderson: All Hallows' Eve has become a night of frolic, where children wear costumes and run amok.
Sarah Sanderson: (Thinks this is funny) Amok! Amok, amok, amok, amok, amok…
(Winifred elbows Sarah in the stomach and she stops)
"Oh, my God. That is so mean and brutal and yet it's hilarious and I couldn't help but laugh from seeing Winifred being mean to her sisters." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Our heroes arrive at the party to find their parents and this party has a rockin' skeleton band. Anyway, Max and Alison find Max's father, who's dressed as Dracula and Dani finds her mother, who's dressed as Madonna and they try to explain to them what's going on.
Dani Dennison: This cat here, Binx, right? He can talk. My brother's a virgin. He lit the Black Flame Candle. The witches are back from the dead, and they're after us. We need help.
Jenny Dennison: How much candy have you had, honey?
Dani Dennison: Mom, I haven't OD'd. I haven't even had a piece. They're real witches. They can fly, and they're gonna eat all the kids in Salem. They're real!
Jenny Dennison: All right. Let's just find your father.
"Yeah, how long until the parents think that their children are crazy?" Sean asked.
(We cut to Max and Dani convincing their parents that the witches are real)
Dave Dennison: Hey, guys, I love you, but enough is enough. Just calm down.
Max Dennison: But they're gonna come!
Dave Dennison: Don't you see how crazy this sounds?
"Yep. Just like every parent in a 90's family film, they don't believe their children." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Dani spots the sisters looking for them and Max tries to warn everyone at the party about their children being in danger and that the Sanderson sisters are out to get them and he points them out, Winifred cleverly turns this situation around to make it seem like it was intentional and here we get the most memorable part of the movie and very well known.
(Winifred sings "I Put a Spell on You")
Winifred Sanderson: (Sings) I put a spell on you and now you're gone.
Mary and Sarah: (Sings) Gone, gone, gone so long.
Winifred Sanderson: (Sings) My whammy fell on you and it was strong.
Mary and Sarah: (Sings) So strong, so strong, so strong.
Winifred Sanderson: (Sings) Your wretched little lives have all been cursed 'cause of all the witches working I'm the worst. I put a spell on you and now you're mine.
"You know, Bette Midler can really sing a belter here and man, the song is too damn good. Hell, during her Divine Intervention Tour in 2015, Bette Midler appeared on stage dressed as Winifred Sanderson and her Harlettes appeared with her dressed as Mary and Sarah and they performed the film's version of the song." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Winifred finishes her song, which causes the adults to dance to death. As everyone hides in the alley, Max is pretty livid that the witches have gotten the upper hand and he tells Alison to take Dani with her. But the witches show up to look for them and the smell of the lobster restaurant throws off the scent for Mary and they move on.
(As soon as the sisters leave, the kids come out of hiding as Alison opens an old oven by accident. She looks at it and then smiles at the others)
Alison: I have an idea.
"Okay, let's hope that the idea doesn't involve you making too much noise, missy! Hell, Sam Fisher wasn't that noisy while trying to be stealthy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So the sisters arrive at the high school because of plot convenience as Max uses the intercom to confuse the sisters. The witches hear a voice coming from one of the rooms and follow it to a stereo playing a tape and then…
(The door to the kiln is slammed closed by Alison and Dani. The witches scream as Dani locks the door and Alison turns the kiln on, cremating them)
"Yeah, family-friendly… you get the idea." Sean said as the Walt Disney Pictures logo is shown again.
Sean: (Narrating) And with that, the Sanderson sisters are no more as Max, Dani and Alison celebrate. Max and Dani take Binx home with them and they return home to find that their parents haven't arrived home. Well, mostly because they're dancing. So yeah, something's not right. So while everyone is asleep, the witches return reformed, which means that this movie is not over yet as Winifred is still on the hunt for her spellbook. Meanwhile, we cut to Jay and Ernie…
Ernie 'Ice': My name ain't Ernie no more….
"SHUT UP!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that Jay and Ice are busy pulling pranks and eating candy until the sisters come across them.
(Mary sniffs Max's shoe, only Max's shoes are worn by Ice)
Ernie 'Ice': Yo, witch! Get your face off my shoe!
Mary Sanderson: Wrong boy. Sorry, Winnie.
Winifred Sanderson: Why, why, why was I cursed with such idiot sisters? (Sobs)
Sarah Sanderson: Just lucky, I guess.
Jay: Oh, man, how come it's always the ugly chicks that stay out late?
(The sisters turn back to the guys with menace)
"Oh, you shouldn't have done that. You probably shouldn't have called them 'ugly'." Sean said. "They don't like it when you call them ugly."
Winifred Sanderson: Chicks?
"Or 'chicks'. Probably both and now they're gonna kill you." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, karma's a witch for the two bullies as the witches lock them up in cages. Winifred feels certain that they won't get the book in time and she attempts to remember the rejuvenation potion. She calls out to her book, which wakes up. Max and Alison wake up from their sweet dreams as Alison sees that its 5am in the morning and that she has to leave.
Max Dennison: I wish you could stay.
Sean: (V/O as Max) I want to touch your yabos.
(Alison looks at Binx)
Alison: Poor Binx.
Max Dennison: Yeah. Poor Binx. We owe him a lot.
Alison: Yeah.
Max Dennison: Look, can we find some kind of way to help him?
Alison: The book. The witches used it to put the spell on him. Maybe there's a way in here to take it off.
"Uh… are you sure it's a good idea to be looking in the book for a spell to change Binx back into a human? It contains some of Winifred's dangerous spells. It won't end well." Sean said.
Alison: What harm could it do?
Max Dennison: Well, just be careful.
Alison: I will. Hold my hand.
Max Dennison: All right.
(Alison opens the book. They don't see anything)
Alison: Nothing weird so far.
(Cut to a shot of the Dennison house as we see a magical light shoot straight up)
"Are you serious? Do you not see the same thing that I'm seeing right now? I mean, books don't shoot out a magical light." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Just when all hope is lost for them, Winifred sees the light coming from her spellbook, revealing their location to the group and they track them down. But wait, how are they gonna fly if they don't have their brooms? Well, that's easy. Improvise!
Winifred Sanderson: Into the night!
(Winifred starts flying on a broom that she found in the closet, followed by Sarah, who's flying on a mop. We then see Mary, who steps out of the cottage with a vacuum cleaner)
Mary Sanderson: Winnie? Broom, ho!
(The vacuum starts and Mary flies off)
"Hey, it must be one of the new Dirt Devil vacuums that flies." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Max and Alison looks through the spellbook as Alison finds something in the book about a circle of salt protecting people from evil powers. But before they could look through it some more, Binx closes the book, knowing that it will lead to nothing good. Oh, yeah. Did I mention that this movie is written by Mick Garris? Because we're heading into horror movie territory.
Max Dennison: They're still not home. That's weird. Must be havin' a great time.
Alison: I don't know. Something's not right. I'd feel a lot safer walking home if we had some salt.
(Max and Alison head downstairs just as the bedroom door opens a bit while music from Halloween plays. We then cut to Max and Alison in the kitchen as Max looks through the cabinet for some salt until he finds some)
Max Dennison: Salt. (Drops it down to Alison) Well, what's it say?
Alison: It says, "Form a circle of salt to protect from zombies, witches and old boyfriends."
Max Dennison: And what about new boyfriends?
(The love theme from Dumb & Dumber plays as Max and Alison move to kiss)
"Oh, yeah. Somebody's definitely getting some action early in the morning. He's definitely gonna get to touch Alison's yabos." Sean said, smirking naughtily.
(The record scratches as Max and Alison get interrupted by a sound upstairs)
Max Dennison: Dani.
"Damn it, Dani! I swear, that little girl better not be messing with any IRA terrorists trying to kill her." Sean said, imitating Max.
Sean: (Narrating) Max and Alison head upstairs, only to find that the witches have arrived and they captured Dani and the book. Meanwhile, the sisters fly back to the cottage and Sarah sings her Pied Piper song to draw all of the children to them.
Sarah Sanderson: (Singing) Come, little children. I'll take thee away. Into a land of enchantment. Come, little children. The time's come to play. Here in my garden of magic.
"Fun fact: Sarah Jessica Parker actually sang the song in the movie and James Horner wrote the song. The song sounds pretty nice, yet sinister." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Alison remembers hearing what Winifred said, about the candle's magic will soon be spent and dawn approaches. So, now it's a race against time to save Dani and stop the witches for good as they brew another potion and try to make Dani drink it. But Dani is not that stupid like Emily and she doesn't drink it. But then Max arrives to save the day.
Max Dennison: Prepare to die! Again.
Winifred Sanderson: You! You have no powers here, you fool!
Jay: Hollywood!
Max Dennison: Maybe not, but there's a power greater than you magic. And that's knowledge!
Jay: Come on, man.
Max Dennison: And there's one thing that I know that you don't.
Winifred Sanderson: And what is that, dude?
Max Dennison: Daylight savings time.
"Witch." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The sun shines through the window, incapacitating the witches as Max saves Dani and Binx and steals his shoes back from the bullies and he destroys the potion. But then it turns out to be a trick to fool the witches into thinking that the sun is out when Alison uses the headlights on the truck until the witches realize that it was a trick.
Winifred Sanderson: Damn that boy! He's tricked us again.
Mary Sanderson: Oh, you're right. You're always right.
Winifred Sanderson: It's my curse. That, and you two.
"And yet, it's the second time that you fell for Max's tricks. You sure are a bunch of… you know what, I'm gonna let Red Forman take over for me. Red." Sean said.
(A clip from That 70's Show is shown)
Red Forman (Played by Kurtwood Smith): Dumbass!
"Thank you." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) With the candle almost out, Winifred finds that she has enough potion for one child, so instead of using it on the children that are arriving to the cottage, she's gonna use it on Dani. And then a high-speed chase ensues with the witches chasing them.
Winifred Sanderson: (Pulls up next to the drivers side window) Pull over! Let me see your driver's permit.
"Okay, how the hell does she know what a driver's permit is? You've been dead for 300 years, lady. It's just like someone from the planet Zeist suddenly knows what draft choices are." Sean said. "Oh, Christ. Did I just reference Highlander II: The Quickening in this review?"
Sean: (Narrating) Our heroes arrive at the cemetery, which is the most logical place to go, but then Billy shows up and corners Max. Max tries to fight Billy off with his knife until Winifred shows up.
Winifred Sanderson: Billy, listen to me! Kill him if you must. Just bring me that child, that Dani. And put some wiggle in it, you putrid, festering sore!
(Billy takes Max's knife and cuts the strings that hold his mouth shut)
Winifred Sanderson: Don't dawdle. Come along now!
(After cutting the strings on his mouth, moths start flying out of Billy's mouth)
"Okay, fun fact: those were not CGI moths, those were real moths that flew out of Doug Jones' mouth. Now there's a man who's dedicated to his work." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Getting sick and tired of Winifred's shit, Billy has a few choice words to say to her.
Billy Butcherson (Played by Doug Jones): Wench! Trollop! You buck-toothed, mop-riding, firefly from Hell!
(Winifred screams)
Billy Butcherson: (To Max) I've waited centuries to say that.
Max Dennison: Oh, say what you want. Just don't breathe on me.
"Yeah, dude. There's this new invention called Listerine. It helps freshen your breath and nobody wants to smell rotting corpse breath." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, Billy is a good guy. I'm guessing that he was trying to help them from the witches. Anyway, onto the climax as our heroes try to hold off the witches until dawn as they head to Billy's grave and pours salt around it to keep Dani safe from the witches while Max practices his Pete Rose Swing for when the witches show up and they do.
Winifred Sanderson: For the last time, prepare to meet thy doom!
(Max swings at Winifred with the baseball bat)
Winifred Sanderson: (Laughs) You little pest. I've had enough of you.
"Come on, dude. At least use a gun on them. Yeah, I doubt that conventional firepower will work on them." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The witches overpower Max, Alison and Billy as Winifred swoops in and takes Dani.
Winifred Sanderson: All right, you little trollimog.
(Winifred whips out the vial as Dani screams)
Sean starts laughing a bit from hearing what Winifred called Dani.
"I'm sorry, what the hell did she call her?" Sean asked.
Winifred Sanderson: All right, you little trollimog.
"A trollimog. What the hell is a trollimog? I'm gonna look up what a "trollimog" is on my phone. Hold on just one second." Sean said as he picks up his phone from off of the table to look up what the word "trollimog" means. "Okay, so I've found out what the word "trollimog". It means "dirty, slovenly female". Wow, that's pretty insulting to call an eight-year-old girl in a Disney film. Yeah, family-friendly, my ass." Sean said as the Walt Disney Pictures logo is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) But Binx jumps in to save Dani as he pounces of Winifred and knocks the vial from out of her hand until Max catches it and Winifred tosses Binx to the ground. Max, being the hero that he is, makes the sacrifice for his sister and drinks the potion, giving Winifred no choice but to take his soul.
Winifred Sanderson: What a fool to give up thy life for thy sister's.
"Okay, that's an interesting line from Winifred because I think that's how she feels towards her sisters and she's been insulting them and beating them up throughout the whole night." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Winifred takes Max for herself but he retaliates while Mary tries to save her but the others hold her back and cause her and Sarah to fly off into the sky. After landing on the ground like a cartoon character, Winifred tries to suck the soul from out of Max, but then the sun comes up, which means…
(Winifred looks down and realizes that she's on hallowed ground and she begins to turn to stone)
Winifred Sanderson: Book!
(Winifred is turned to stone. Meanwhile, both Mary and Sarah are hit with the sunlight)
Sarah Sanderson: Winnie! Goodbye.
(With a flash of purple, Sarah is no more)
Mary Sanderson: Uh-oh. Bye-bye.
(With a flash of red, Mary is no more. Cut to the cemetery, Winifred's statue explodes in a flash of green)
Sean: (Narrating) And with that, the Sanderson sisters are no more and Billy returns to his grave to rest.
"But wait, what about Binx? I'm sure that Binx is alright after being thrown to the ground. I'm sure that cats always land on their feet…" Sean said.
(Dani finds Binx dead on the ground)
Alison: He's gone. He's gone, Dani.
Dani Dennison: But he can't die, remember? Wake up, Binx. Binx, wake up. Like last time!
(Dani starts crying)
"Oh, Jesus. Movie, don't make me cry. What are you doing to me? You know that I love cats and you're making me cry over a dead cat." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But the ghost of Thackery Binx appears and his soul is finally freed after the witches' death. And he thanks Dani for freeing him and he thanks Max for lighting the candle. Also, he is reunited with his sister Emily. Therefore, happy ending! The witches are dead and Thackery is reunited with his sister as Max and Dani watch as they walk through the gates of Heaven. Also, the townspeople are finally free of Winifred's spell, Jay and Ice are still locked in their cages, but what about Winifred's book?
(Winifred's spellbook is seen opening its eye, revealing it is still alive as the song "I Put a Spell on You" starts playing)
"So that was Hocus Pocus and I find it to be an extremely enjoyable film to watch." Sean said.
(Clips from the film are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) It does deserve to be a staple for Halloween. It's goofy, it's bizarre and it's funny and I still love it. The Sanderson sisters are the best part of the movie, mostly due to the comedic performances of Bette Midler, Sarah Jessica Parker and Kathy Najimy. They're absolutely fantastic in this movie. The acting, the visual effects and the writing are top notch. Plus, it has Bette Midler singing in this, what more can say about this movie's praises? I think that the critics were wrong about this movie, it is pretty damn good and hilarious. Plus, there's a sequel coming out next year and I am excited for it. If you haven't watched this movie yet, then what the hell are you waiting for and why the hell are you reading this review? Go watch it on Disney Plus or buy it on DVD. Hocus Pocus comes in at 4 Black Flame Candles out of 5.
"And speaking of candles, I need to do something about this candle." Sean picks up his lighter as he prepares to light the candle.
"Stop!" A voice shouted out.
"Don't light that candle." Another voice said.
"What the devil?" Sean asked.
The young critic turned to his left, only to see a man and two women dressed in familiar wardrobe from the movie. His jaw dropped in surprise and his eyes widened from what he saw, the actors who played Max, Dani and Alison: Omri Katz, Thora Birch and Vinessa Shaw.
"Oh, my God. What are you three doing here in my home?" Sean asked.
"Sean, whatever you do, do not light that candle." Vinessa said.
"Why?" Sean asked.
"Because if you do, bad things are gonna happen." Omri said.
"There's a story about three witches who were executed by critics because they hated their movie. If you light that candle, then they'll return." Thora said.
"Oh, come on. It's just a bunch of hocus pocus." Sean said.
As he lit the candle, the flame turns black as the whole room shakes and a green light shines from behind the front door.
"What happened?" Sean asked.
"A critic lit the candle." Thora said, glaring at Sean.
Suddenly, the front door opens up and the witches appear in the doorway framed in shadow as they laugh away.
"We're home!" Winifred exclaimed as she enters Sean's house.
"Oh, no. It's Winifred Sanderson and her sisters!" Sean screamed out.
"Ah, you must be the virgin who lit the candle." Winifred said as she approaches Sean.
"Uh, I'm not a virgin. I'm only 29 and I have sex with my girlfriend." Sean said.
"I smell something funny." Mary said as she starts sniffing away and makes her way over towards a shelf of DVDs. "Movies. A lot of movies. I smell… a movie critic!"
"And I see a handsome critic." Sarah said as she tries to seduce Sean.
"Whoa, hey now! What are you doing here?" Sean asked.
"This must be the year 2021." Winifred said. "What has happened in the past year?"
"Uh, yeah. The world went to hell in a handbasket because of a certain pandemic and dealing with a stupid president. Thank God, we got a new president." Sean said.
"Sisters! We've been gone for 28 years, and now the time has come to take revenge on the critics who hated us, starting with you!" Winifred exclaimed.
"Me? Why me?" Sean asked.
"He happens to love that movie and he's a movie critic." Omri said.
"Thanks a lot, Katz." Sean said.
"Your father hated the movie." Winifred said.
"Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention that my dad is a retired movie critic. Why aren't you going after him?!" Sean asked.
"Because I want his son!" Winifred exclaimed.
"Never! We are going to do this the only way possible." Sean said.
"And what is that?" Winifred asked.
Sean pulls out his pistol and points it at Winifred.
"The 2nd amendment, witch!" Sean shouted.
The young critic fires a couple of shots on Winifred, Mary and Sarah, but the bullets have no effect on them as he continues to shoot at them until he runs out of bullets.
"Sisters, what has he fired on us?" Winifred asked.
"Must've been the Fireballs of Death." Sarah said.
"Yet, I'm not feeling any pain." Mary said as she checks herself.
"Nice job, genius. Bullets have no effect against them." Thora said.
"Oh, crap." Sean said, looking startled.
"Now, we're gonna show you what these wicked bitches can do." Winifred said as her and her sisters brandish their magic.
"Look here, crazy lady! I have one ace up my sleeve." Sean said as Omri, Thora and Vinessa turn to him.
"You do?" The three actors said.
"You do?" The Sanderson sisters asked.
"Yeah…. RYOMA!" Sean yelled out.
Ryoma appears as he jumps through the window. The witches turn around and they notice him as he came prepared with the ultimate weapon that will stop the witches for good. And that weapon is the Infinity Gauntlet.
"Who the devil are you?" Winifred asked.
"I'm your worst nightmare." Ryoma said as he held up his hand, in which it was covered by the Infinity Gauntlet as he snaps his fingers, activating the Gauntlet.
Winifred, Mary and Sarah check themselves from after the sheer energy that Ryoma has unleashed on them.
"Really? You think that your mortal weapon would defeat me and my sisters?" Winifred asked.
Suddenly Mary and Sarah started to feel funny as they both looked down at their feet, noticing that they're beginning to disintegrate into dust just as Winifred starts to notice this.
"Winnie, what's happening?" Mary asked.
"What sort of sorcery is this?!" Winifred asked, glaring at Ryoma.
"That's the power of the Infinity Glove, bitch." Ryoma said.
"Winnie! Goodbye." Sarah said before she turned into dust.
"Uh-oh. Bye-bye." Mary said before she turned into dust.
Last but not least was Winifred as she looks down at her feet to see that she's crumbling into dust in front of Sean, Omri, Thora, Vinessa and Ryoma.
"You fools! You think you've won? We'll be back for the sequel! Just remember one thing: revenge is a witch! Booooooooook!" Winifred said before turning into dust.
And with that, the Sanderson sisters are no more as Sean, the three actors and Ryoma just standing in the middle of the living room, thinking of what to do next.
"So, um, what now since the witches are defeated?" Omri asked.
"I don't know. Hopefully, no idiotic movie critic would light the candle." Thora said, glaring at Sean.
"Enough." Sean said.
"Hey, I should be thanking Sean for lighting the candle. I don't know why Taylor bought it from the store." Ryoma said.
"Okay, you're right." Thora said.
"Well, Sean. Since you and Ryoma defeated the witches by turning them into dust, what do you want to do next, review another movie?" Vinessa asked.
"I'm kinda thinking of something else." Sean said.
(We then cut to Sean, Ryoma, Omri, Thora and Vinessa sitting at a table in IHOP eating pumpkin pancakes as a way to celebrate the witches' defeat)
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Oh, come on. It's just a bunch of hocus pocus.
And that is all for the review of Hocus Pocus. Man, did I have a lot of fun reviewing it. And I was going to post this on Halloween, but then I ended up posting the new chapter in November. But hey, the wait was worth it. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean finishes up Halloween Havoc IV with the best Sci-Fi horror film ever… in November. And what better way to end Halloween Havoc IV is for Sean to review the 1990 Sci-Fi horror comedy Tremors, a movie that had an impact on Sean as a child and as an adult. Is this movie the best monster movie of the 90s? After the review of Tremors, there will be another Top 11 countdown, which will be the Top 11 Best Cheers Episodes. Then after the Top 11 Best Cheers Episodes, Sean takes a look at the films Stakeout and Another Stakeout, two films from his favorite director John Badham that he likes. So, it's a Stakeout double feature review. Anyway, feel free to leave a review, add this story to your favorites and follow it for future updates. If you want to work on a co-review with me, then feel free to PM me. Till next time, my fellow readers.