The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and I'm back with another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Today, we're finishing up Halloween Havoc IV… IN NOVEMBER! Today, Sean the Mayhem Critic takes a look at the 1990 cult classic Tremors, a movie that made an impact on him when he was a child and it still makes an impact on him as an adult. Will this be the best movie to end off Halloween Havoc? We'll find out today. Sit back, relax and enjoy this hilarious new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Tremors is owned by Universal Pictures.
Halloween Havoc IV Part V: Tremors
(The 2021 Halloween Havoc opening is shown, with Vincent Price's evil laugh from Michael Jackson's "Thriller" music video added. The graves in the Nostalgia Cemetery are shown on the tombstones: "Coach Reboot", "Blue Sky Studios", "Best Friends Whenever Season Three", "Girl Meets World Season Four"; the Simpsons couch gag is shown, but this time the Halloween 2018 theme plays as we get a POV shot of a killer inside Sean and Taylor's house as he puts on his mask to confront him. Sean is seen in the living room, sitting on his couch while watching TV. He looks up at the killer and notices him)
Sean: (Gets up from off of the couch) Hey! What the hell are you doing in my home? Get out of here! Get out… hey, hey, wait a minute! Just wait a second now! NO! DON'T!
(Sean screams as the killer begins repeatedly stabbing him with his knife)
Sean: (Screaming while being stabbed to death) WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN?!
(Sean continues to scream before he dies. After stabbing the critic, the killer drops the knife, and lifts his mask to reveal that it's Chad Knight from Up All Night with Chad Knight)
Chad: (Laughs to himself) That's for trying to avoid the Hard Ticket to Hawaii review.
(Michael Myers comes up from behind Chad before he stabs him in the back with his knife. He walks over to Sean's couch to take a seat and grabs the remote to change the channel. After the intro ends, we cut to Sean sitting in his living room as he gets ready to start his review)
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said. "Let's talk about monster movies."
(A montage of monster movies are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) As a kid, I loved watching monster movies. I loved seeing people trying to survive attacks by monsters or mostly seeing giant monsters destroying buildings. I've been a fan of films like King Kong '76, the Godzilla movies, Dracula, Alien, Predator, Fright Night and Young Frankenstein. Hell, let's not forget the movie Them!, now who doesn't love seeing goofy giant ants causing some terror? It's silly and I love it.
"But then, comes along a monster movie that made an impact on me when I was a child and it still has an impact on me. And of course I'm talking about Tremors." Sean said.
(The title screen for the movie "Tremors" is shown, followed by a montage of clips from the movie while the song "Why Not Tonight" by Reba McEntire plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, before any of you lose your shit and come after me, I just want you to let you know that I love this movie. It's an awesome movie. In fact, it's also one of my favorite movies ever. Hell, if I wanted to get under people's skin, I would've said Riverdale sucks. Okay, that's a lie. Riverdale is a great show, even though it tends to get weird sometimes. Besides, I like to piss some of the Riverdale fans off. Anyway, onto Tremors. The film was released in theaters on January 19, 1990. The movie is the classic monster movie of the 90s with a mix of Sci-Fi, horror and comedy. So, what's it about? A small town isolated from the rest of the world is being terrorized by giant killer worms that burrow underground and they must fight for survival. The film was directed by Ron Underwood, who would go on to direct one of my favorite comedies a year after this one, City Slickers. The film was also written by S.S. Wilson and Brent Maddock. Before Tremors, Wilson and Maddock were story consultants for Don Bluth's The Land Before Time, they've also written the films *batteries not included, Short Circuit and Short Circuit 2. By the way, one of my favorite movies of all time.
"Hey, they've done some good movies. I'm sure that they haven't done a movie that's horrible, right?" Sean asked.
(A poster for the 1990 Bill Cosby comedy Ghost Dad is shown)
"Oh, God." Sean said
(A poster for the 1999 movie Wild Wild West is shown)
"Oh, God!" Sean exclaimed with a shocked look on his face.
(A poster for the 1993 movie Heart and Souls is shown)
"Oh… wait, that movie was pretty good." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The film didn't perform very well in theaters, but it gained a large cult following over the years due to video sales and rentals. Hell, even on television as well. The first time I watched Tremors was on USA Network and my Mom told me about this movie and I loved it. The movie spawned a TV series on Syfy back in 2003 and the movie spawned a series of sequels.
"Yeah, by the time I'm finished with this review, they're going to be making Tremors 8, which will involve Graboids in space. Well, let's end Halloween Havoc… in November. Let's dig into Tremors." Sean said.
(The movie begins)
Sean: (Narrating) The movie opens with a shot of the cliffs with some cowboy gazing in deep contemplation at the sunrise.
(We see that the cowboy is busy peeing over the cliffs)
"Or just taking a piss. Very classy, movie. That's one way to start a film, have a shot of some guy peeing over the cliffs." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We're introduced to our characters, Val McKee played by Kevin Bacon and Earl Bassett played by Fred Ward. The two of them play off each other pretty well as they live their lives as repairmen in the small town of Perfection, Nevada. And they tend to act like a married couple.
Earl Bassett (Played by Fred Ward): No breakfast?
Val McKee (Played by Kevin Bacon): I did it yesterday. It was bologna and beans.
Earl Bassett: No. It was eggs. I did eggs… over easy.
Val McKee: The hell you did! Bologna and beans. It's your turn.
"Sounds like me and Taylor every morning when we have a dispute about who's turn it is to cook breakfast.
Sean: (Narrating) Well, there's only one way to settle this dispute. And that way to settle this dispute is by playing Rock, Paper, Scissors. And yes, it's a recurring theme in the film. Anyway, Val and Earl discuss how much they hate their job being handymen and their first job they're not too keen on.
Val McKee: So what's on the agenda for today?
Earl Bassett: It's garbage day.
Val McKee: Oh, man! Already?
"Earl, I'm getting sick and tired of that crazy Ricky Caldwell shooting at us every time when garbage day comes." Sean said, imitating Val and making a reference to Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2.
Sean: (Narrating) Along the way, Val spots a female grad student who's new in town and he'd figure that he might approach her the best way possible and hoping for the best specific features.
Val McKee: You will have long, blonde hair, big green eyes, world-class breasts, ass that won't quit and legs that go all the way up!
"Yeah. How about saying "hello" to her without her pulling out the pepper spray and calling the cops on you.
(Val sees the woman. The woman has short brown hair, blue eyes, so-so chest and khaki shorts)
Sean: (V/O as Val) Oh, damn. I was hopin' for Kyra Sedgewick.
Sean: (Narrating) This is Rhonda LeBeck, played by Finn Carter. Turns out that she's studying seismology. Well, that's one way to earn some credits for your college degree.
Rhonda LeBeck (Played by Finn Carter): Well, I've been getting some really strange readings. I mean, the school's had these machines up here for three years and we've never recorded anything like this.
"Are you expecting an oil geyser or some horrible subterranean monsters that will show up? Because I would love the oil geyser instead of a gory, painful death." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After Rhonda informs them about something that seems weird because the seismographs are detecting a lot of vibrations from underground, Earl berates Val on his taste in women.
Val McKee: Well, I'm a victim of circumstance.
Earl Bassett: I thought you call it your pecker.
(Val gives Earl a look)
"Oh, so he names it "Circumstance". Well, I name mine "The Slayer" because I'm always slayin' the pu…" Sean said.
(A clip from the movie Bronson is shown)
Charles Bronson (Played by Tom Hardy): SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!
Sean yelp and recoils back in his seat. "Sorry! I'm sorry! Jesus. You try to make a dirty joke and Tom Hardy yells at you."
Sean: (Narrating) Val and Earl arrive in town and we're introduced to a few more characters. We have annoying pain in the ass Melvin, played by Bobby Jayne, here credited as "Bobby Jacoby", store owner Walter Chang played by the legendary Victor Wong and doomsday preppers Burt Gummer, played by Family Ties and future star of the sequels Michael Gross and his wife Heather Gummer played by Reba McEntire.
Burt Gummer (Played by Michael Gross): You know, those college kids turn up oil or uranium or something out there, next thing the Feds will be at our door. "Sorry. Time to move. Eminent domain."
Heather Gummer (Played by Reba McEntire): (Pats Burt on his back) Down, honey, down.
Val McKee: Yeah, Burt. The way you worry, you're gonna have a heart attack before you get a chance to survive World War III.
Burt Gummer: We'll see. We'll see.
"Ha! Joke's on you. I've already survived a heart attack and I'm gonna survive World War III and this franchise." Sean said, imitating Burt and making a reference to the show Family Ties.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, the ground starts shaking while Rhonda buries some seismographs and being stalked by the Evil Dead for a bit before she leaves. Elsewherbye, Val and Earl are busy being hard at work and while they're having a beer, they talk about how much they hate doing this kind of dirty work and wanting to leave Perfection and while doing a job for Melvin, the two of them start bickering like a married couple once more.
Earl Bassett: Are you gonna stand there and tell me in broad daylight that I'm the reason we're still in Perfection? You know how close I am to leavin' this place right now?
Val McKee: I'll call that little bluff. How close?
(The intake hose on the septic tank ruptures, showering Val and Earl with… well, you know)
Val McKee: Ah, shit! Goddamn! Jesus Christ! Goddamn!
"Okay, now that is one shitty job." Sean said as a comedic drum riff plays in the background.
Sean: (Narrating) After getting sick and tired of this shit, Val and Earl decide to pack up and head for Bixby. That is until they end up getting a side quest from Nancy Sterngood played by Charlotte Stewart, and her daughter Mindy, played by an extremely young Ariana Richards. You know Lex from Jurassic Park.
Earl Bassett: Hey, Mindy, what's the count?
Mindy Sterngood (Played by Ariana Richards): Six hundred and forty.
Nancy Sterngood (Played by Charlotte Stewart): Guys, look. I don't need firewood. I have this big order to fill and I have to build my new pottery kiln. Come on, it'll be at least a month's work. I'll throw in lunches. And beer!
(Val looks at Nancy, then turns to Earl)
"Oh, man. Lunches and beer. If she throws in the Playstation 5, then we're in for some one hell of a side quest." Sean said, imitating Val.
(Val and Earl are seen driving off to Bixby)
Sean: (V/O as Val) Joke's on you, lady! The Playstation 5 hasn't been invented yet! It's 1990! Ah-wa-wa-wa-woo!
Sean: (Narrating) So Val and Earl are on their way to Bixby after saying no to free beer and there's nothing that can stop them. Except that they have to stop for one side quest when they see that this local has been hanging up on a high voltage tower. He wouldn't come on down while being called and after playing "Rock, Paper, Scissors" with Earl, Val climbs up to check on the guy but it proves more difficult.
Val McKee: Jesus!
(Val finds Edgar dead)
"Boy, they put the PG-13 rating to good use. That dude didn't have his eyes pecked out by buzzards. He's one well-preserved corpse." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) They take Edgar's corpse to Dr. Jim, played by Conrad Bachmann, and his wife Megan, played by the late Bibi Besch. The good doctor tells Val and Earl that Edgar died of dehydration, which doesn't make any sense because it takes a couple of days for a person to die from dehydration.
Jim - The Doctor (Played by Conrad Bachmann): Maybe even three or four.
Earl Bassett: You mean he sat up there three or four days? He sat up there and just died of thirst?
"Well, why couldn't the guy just snag himself a couple of cans of Pepsi and Mountain Dew?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, we see a farmer working on his farm until he sees that his sheep are acting weird. And we see the cause of the problem.
(The elderly farmer gets pulled into the ground by an unknown something, killing him while the sheep move around uncontrollably)
"Things in the ground killing people and we get our first kill in the movie. Yeah, Old Fred is the first guy to die by this unknown creature. Edgar only died of thirst." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After they finish going back into town to drop off Edgar's body, they head back out, only to find Old Fred's sheep slaughtered and Old Fred himself.
(Val picks up Old Fred's hat, only to find Old Fred's head sticking out from the ground as him and Earl back away)
Earl Bassett: Oh, Jesus!
Val McKee: What the hell's goin' on? I mean, what the hell is goin' on?! (Throws Fred's hat down on the ground)
"Dude, it's a monster movie. You have people in places dying from horrible deaths." Sean said.
Earl Bassett: (While driving into town. He honks the horn at the road workers) You guys better get the hell outta here! There's a killer on the loose!
Howard - Roadworker (Played by John Goodwin): What?
Earl Bassett: A murderer, man! A real psycho! He's cuttin' people's heads off. I'm not kiddin'!
(Earl drives away)
Carmine -Roadworker (Played by John Pappas): They're pullin' our chain.
Howard - Roadworker: Yeah.
(Carmine uses his jackhammer to continue to drill into the ground while Howard grabs a crowbar to defend himself from the "murderer". Carmine continues to drill into the ground until he hits something, which makes a screeching sound and orange blood oozes from out of the ground)
"Oh, great. Call the Ghostbusters. I think these guys just drilled into some mood slime." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Being the idiot that he is, this unimportant character doesn't realize that his ankle is caught up into a cable, which leads to his own untimely death and his partner. But enough about these guys, Val and Earl head back into town just in time just to find out that the phone lines are down and we're introduced to two more characters, Nestor played by Richard Marcus and Miguel played by Tony Gennaro.
Miguel (Played by Tony Gennaro): Nestor, what's happening?
Nestor (Played by Richard Marcus): Somebody killed Old Fred.
Walter Chang (Played by Victor Wong): What's going on?
Nestor: Val, you gotta get to Bixby, and you gotta get the police up here. And you gotta step on it.
Val McKee: Consider it stepped on.
"How long does it take for them to not get into Bixby? Because I'm sure that there's some obstacle that's standing in their way." Sean said.
(Val stops the truck as they come across a rockslide blocking their path)
Earl Bassett: Is there some higher force at work here? I mean, are we askin' too much of life?
(A clip from That 70s Show is shown)
Red Forman (Played by Kurtwood Smith): The reason that bad things happen to you is because you're a dumbass.
Sean: (Narrating) They go to check on the two road workers, only to find that they've been reduced to PG-13 levels of gore. It's time to get the hell back into town, until Val backs the truck up only for it to get snagged on something.
Val McKee: Jesus! I don't believe this!
Earl Bassett: You're hung up.
Val McKee: I am not!
(Val tries to get the truck moving)
Earl Bassett: You're hung up, I tell ya! You're gonna burn the clutch!
(Val manages to get the truck moving and they drive away)
Earl Bassett: You could break an axle like that.
Val McKee: Could you shut up?
Earl Bassett: Hey! I don't need to spend the night out here.
(Val glares at Earl)
"Hey, you keep on complaining like that again, then you'll definitely be sleeping outside, mister." Sean said, imitating Val.
Sean: (Narrating) Val and Earl return to town and news of the road being blocked off isn't important. But what's important is that mysterious creature that is snagged onto the truck's axle.
Burt Gummer: Some kind of snake. Some kind of mutation.
Heather Gummer: Yeah.
"Strange. Talk about luck I woke up and there's a worm on my truck." Sean said, referencing the Reba McEntire song "Strange".
Burt Gummer: Whatever it is, just one of these couldn't eat up Fred and his whole flock of sheep.
"Well, what are you suggesting Burt? Are you thinking that maybe it's a Hentai tentacle creature or the horrible power of Cialis?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Later that night, we see that Dr. Jim and his wife are busy packing a few things before they go to Bixby in the morning, but the good doctor is beat.
Megan - The Doctor's Wife (Played by Bibi Besch): The cinder blocks are in.
Jim - The Doctor: Oh, the cinder blo- Oh, my God!
Megan - The Doctor's Wife: Just keep lookin' at that beautiful sky. That's the sky that's gonna be over our roof every night when we're done.
Jim - The Doctor: What if we don't finish the roof? Then we can look at the sky all the time.
"Oh, yeah. Keep looking at the beautiful night sky. Because it's going to be the last thing that you're ever going to see." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The generator starts acting up as Dr. Jim goes to check on it, only to find that it is gone. His wife check with him to grab the generator until the creature spits it out and decides to go after the doctor.
(The creature grabs Jim and pulls him into the ground)
Megan -The Doctor's Wife: Oh, Jim!
Jim -The Doctor: Oh, God, oh! Get something. Get me out of here!
Sean: (V/O as Creature) Mmm, doctor! My favorite!
(Jim is eaten by the creature while Megan digs for him)
Megan - The Doctor's Wife: Jim!
(The creature, which is revealed to be a mutated-like snake attacks Megan as she runs for the car)
Sean: (Narrating) The doctor's wife locks herself in the car, only for the creature to drag the car into the ground and burying the doctor's wife alive.
"Okay, let me just say this about the scene. This is one of my favorite scenes from the movie and boy, it scared the hell out of me." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Mind you that this is a horror-comedy. And this is how they should be done and the monsters should be scary. Hell, what I love about the scene is that director Ron Underwood is still teasing the audience. We all know that they're snake-like creatures and we actually see the snakes. Well, three of them. Back in town, everyone tries to figure out how to survive this terror and also make money out of it at the same time. Also, with the phones out and the road being blocked off and no way to radio for help.
Burt Gummer: We got the cliffs to the north, mountains to the east and the west. That's why Heather and me settled here in the first place. Geographic isolation.
"Well, that and she's also a survivor." Sean said, referencing another song from Reba McEntire called "I'm a Survivor".
Miguel: Somebody could ride to Bixby.
Burt Gummer: That's not bad. That's not bad. Who's best on a horse?
(The others look at Val and Earl as the two of them turn to the others)
"Now, you're not just sayin' that just because I'm wearin' a cowboy hat on my head." Sean said, imitating Val.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, they send Val and Earl on their quest as they go out on Walter's horses and being armed with some weapons. Hell, Heather gives Burt her Model 70 rifle for all the firepower that they need.
(Melvin screams and he runs out of the store with the snake creature around his neck)
Melvin (Played by Bobby Jayne, credited as Bobby Jacoby): (Screaming) It's got me! It's got me!
(Melvin starts laughing after pulling his little prank on them)
Walter Chang: Melvin!
Burt Gummer: Damn it, Melvin!
"Hey, Melvin. Why don't you let me put my hands around your throat? That way, it could feel like that I'm strangling the life out of you, ya little bastard." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Val and Earl trail out into the desert as they stop off at the doctor's place, only to find that their car is in the ground. And while they're riding, their horses get spooked by something that they don't like. And their horses get attacked by the snake creatures.
Val McKee: That's how they get you. They're under the goddamn ground.
Earl Bassett: What the hell are they?
Val McKee: Sons of bitches!
"Hey, I'm a master of son of bitchology." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Val shoots at the snake creature and then we see the creature in all of it's glory.
(The creature pops out from out of the ground, revealing itself to be a giant worm with multiple snake tongues coming out of it's mouth)
"Okay for a film that was made in 1990, the creature effects look so goddamn amazing without the use of CGI." Sean said.
(A picture of special effects artists Tom Woodruff Jr. and Alec Gillis are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) The men who are responsible for creating the Graboids are Tom Woodruff Jr. and Alec Gillis. Before Tremors, Woodruff and Gillis also worked on other films like Invaders from Mars, Aliens, The Monster Squad, Alien Nation and Leviathan with the late Stan Winston. They've also worked on Mortal Kombat, Starship Troopers, The Santa Clause 2 and The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause. They did an amazing job with creating the monster for this movie. Also, the sound design for the Graboids are amazing. Anyway, Val and Earl decide to make a run for it and they try to jump over a concrete trench, but they end up falling in. The creature crashes into the wall and kills itself and then we get one of my favorite deliveries in this movie.
Val McKee: (Sees that the creature is dead) Cold, my ass! He's dead. We killed it. We killed it! Fuck you! (Laughs)
"Okay, that's one of the best lines ever. Only for that classic line to be butchered by a bad dubbing when they showed it on NBC." Sean said.
(A clip from a 1992 showing of Tremors on NBC is shown)
Val McKee: Fool you!
"So wrong." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Rhonda pops up to rejoin the movie. I guess she was close enough to hear them screaming or at least heard the gunshots, the three of them examine the corpse of the beast. So yeah, talk about a momentous occasion in science. But before Val and Earl could make money off from their discovery, there's one teeny, tiny little problem.
Rhonda LeBeck: The way I figure it, there are three more of these things.
Val McKee: What?
Earl Bassett: Three more?
"Well, so much for ending this movie right there. They're doing the multiplier schtick before the sequels could come out." Sean said, imitating Val.
(While walking to Rhonda's truck, Earl steps in a hole and screams as Val grabs a shovel to attack)
Rhonda LeBeck: What? What?
(Earl gets out from out of the hole)
Earl Bassett: Damn prairie dog burrow.
Val McKee: Little sons of bitches.
"Okay, I just love that part as well." Sean chuckled a bit.
Sean: (Narrating) Rhonda gets another seismic reading as another one approaches them and the three of them climb up on the rock to avoid getting eaten by them.
(They see it's the worm that grabbed their truck, revealing it's ripped snake tongue)
Earl Bassett: Looks like the one that grabbed our truck.
"Oh, thanks for stating the obvious, Remo Williams" Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, Rhonda's truck is far away and they can't make it on foot without the creature snagging them, which means that their trapped on a boulder for the night, also the Graboids hunt by sound when Val does this.
(Val taps on the ground with a wooden plank. The worm grabs the plank with it's tongue as Val climbs back up on the boulder)
Sean: (V/O as Val) Oh, man. I was gonna draw a face on it and name it "Plank"!
Earl Bassett: Son of a goddamn bitch! Pardon my French. Shit!
"Excuse you! Language! There's a hot lady present." Sean said.
Earl Bassett: Pardon my French.
"Thank you." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The next morning, the Graboid "Stumpy", that Val nicknamed, is still around as Rhonda has a plan to get past him by pole vaulting to one boulder to another until they make it to Rhonda's truck until Stumpy tries to attack them. They eventually get away from Stumpy and drive into town, where they get down to business to know what they're dealing with.
Miguel: Hey, Rhonda. What's the name you call those things?
Walter Chang: Where do they come from?
Rhonda LeBeck: Huh? I don't know.
Walter Chang: You're a scientist, aren't you?
Melvin: Yeah, aren't you supposed to have a theory or something?
Rhonda LeBeck: Look, these creatures are absolutely unprecedented.
Nestor: Yeah. But where do they come from?
Miguel: Yeah!
"Yeah, that's what I want to know. Where do they come from? For the entire movie, "where do they come from" and "what they're called" actually goes unsaid. That's what I love about this movie. All they do is just grab you and drag you from the ground." Sean said.
Melvin: Or "suckoids."
Walter Chang: "Oids." Oids. I like "snakeoids."
"Or you could just call them "Graboids.". Sean said.
Walter Chang: That's what I like… "graboids"! That's it, graboids!
"Jesus, Walter. I just said that." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) While trying to come up with a plan to get out and dealing with Rhonda's science babble, Melvin decides to be a little prick and play a prank on them.
(Melvin screams and throws his basketball at Earl as Earl screams and catches it)
Melvin: (Laughs) I scared you, didn't I?
Earl Bassett: You little asswipe. You don't knock it off, you're gonna be shitting this basketball.
(Earl throws the basketball at Melvin as Melvin ducks to avoid getting hit by the ball)
Earl Bassett: Pardon my French.
"Dude, do you want me to get Captain America on you?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) But then the Graboids start to attack as they go for Melvin's basketball, but sadly they don't kill that annoying character as everybody immediately run back inside Walter's shop, well almost everyone when Mindy is still outside just hopping around on her goddamn pogo stick.
Miguel: Mindy, get off the pogo stick.
(The Graboid goes for Mindy as Val runs over to save her. Nancy and Val run over to Mindy as Val grabs her from off of her pogo stick)
Nancy Sterngood: Mindy! Val, what are you…
Val McKee: Shh, be quiet. Don't move.
(The creature grabs Mindy's pogo stick)
"Don't worry, they don't eat the little girl. In about three years, let the dinosaurs chase her." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Everyone starts to panic when more of these has reached town. Rhonda runs into some barbed wire and gets stuck and the Graboid gets ready to make a meal out of her.
(The Superman theme plays in the background as Val grabs a pickaxe and hits the Graboid with it. The Graboid knocks Val before he rushes over to Rhonda)
Val McKee: Get out of your pants!
(Rhonda quickly unbuckles her belt and unbuttons her pants while Val takes her shoes off)
"Yo! Now is not the time for you to get some booty, Val. You do realize that there's a giant worm ready to kill you?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Luckily they evade the Graboid and afterwards Val acts like a gentleman and tends to the cuts on Rhonda's legs. So now, they have got to come up with a plan to escape the valley, until this happens.
(The pop cooler starts making noise and vibrating as Val, Earl and Walter run over to it to turn it off as Val quickly pulls the plug out)
Val McKee: I got it.
(The Graboid pops up from out of the ground and grabs Walter with it's tongues before pulling him down and kills him)
Sean: (V/O as Walter) My only regret is 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain!
Val McKee: Son of a bitch. (Yells) Son of a bitch!
Sean: (Narrating) The Graboids start attacking as everybody rush to climb up to the roof while Melvin acts like an idiot for a bit before he climbs on the roof. Meanwhile, Burt and Heather return from their offscreen adventure. I'm wondering what they were doing, as Heather sees the townspeople up on the roofs. Burt contacts Walter, but Val let's him know what's going on so far without making a ridiculous amount of noise.
(Heather turns the brass tumbler on after putting the bullets in)
"Only to turn on the brass tumbler. Question: what the hell were they shooting at today that they ended up with so much spent brass and in need of cleaning? That's my question." Sean said.
Val McKee: Burt, get out of your basement. Take your radio. You and Heather get up on your roof. We'll talk later, okay. Over.
Burt Gummer: Up on the roof? Val, what are you talking about?
Heather Gummer: Dammit, Burt. Just listen to him. Something's wrong.
Val McKee: Burt, Jesus Christ. Get up on your roof! The things! They're under the ground. They're bigger than we thought. They're huge. They're coming after you guys. They're comin' right now!
"Oh, man. Did Kevin Bacon give his wife Kyra a quarantine bikini wax or did they reenact another dumb fight from a real couple? Or he's been drinking again." Sean said, imitating Burt.
Sean: (Narrating) And then we come to the best part and one of my favorite scenes from the movie as we see that the Graboid crashes through the wall of Burt and Heather's basement and mind you that Burt and Heather are doomsday preppers and the creature has stumbled into room with two people who are armed to the teeth and they start blasting away at it.
(Burt and Heather shoot at the Graboid with various weapons)
We cut back to Sean, who is seen shooting at the Graboid with his Micro Uzi before switching to his MP5 submachine gun.
"Yeah! You picked the wrong house, fool!" Sean yelled out before pulling the pin off the grenade and throwing it offscreen.
Sean: (Narrating) After Heather shoots a flare into the creature's mouth, Burt kills the creature with two rounds from an elephant gun.
Burt Gummer: Broke into the wrong goddamn rec room, didn't you, you bastard?!
"Okay, I would love that line written on a t-shirt." Sean said.
Burt Gummer: (On the radio) We killed it! You got that? We killed that motherhumper! Come back.
Val McKee: Uh, roger that, Burt. And congratulations. Be advised, however, there are two more. Repeat, two more motherhumpers.
"Boy, I can tell that the line was dubbed over. Oh, you lazy motherhumper." Sean said. "But then again, this movie is rated PG-13, so you can only say the F-Word once."
Sean: (Narrating) Burt and Heather get up on the roof and Burt tries to take out the other Graboid, but it's impossible for him to shoot through dirt. But the Graboids are more intelligent as they try to bring down the whole shop and knocking everything down. Hell, they manage to kill Nestor in the process and they even grab Burt and Heather's truck in the process.
Rhonda LeBeck: Look, the situation hasn't changed. We still have to make it to solid rock. There's gotta be some way.
Val McKee: Like what? There's nothing left that can make it to those mountains.
"Uh, you could probably use a tank to take those things out." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But Val and Earl have an idea which involves a bulldozer pulling an old semitrailer. But first, they have to distract it by using a tractor for it to go after, but it fails as Val makes a run for the bulldozer and the Graboid goes after him. Rhonda kicks a water pipe to get it's attention as Val hops onto the bulldozer and the semi trailer as everybody hops on while Burt and Heather craft some pipe bombs.
Val McKee: Come on. Let's go, you two. We're headed for the mountains.
Burt Gummer: If that's how we're doin' it, we're goin' prepared.
"Hey, if you gotta go, you gotta have the essentials. I mean, who knows what kind of shit will happen. That reminds me." Sean said as he picks up his red Ohio State bookbag before putting in an assortment of weapons like his signature AMT Hardballer .45 ACP pistol, a hand grenade, his tactical knife, a few clips and his MP5 submachine gun.
Sean: (Narrating) Burt and Heather hop on and they all drive up to the mountains where they will be safe, but you know, those things are damn smart as they dug a trap to stop the bulldozer. But hey, Burt has a little surprise for the creatures.
Burt Gummer: (After he ignites the pipe bomb) Hungry? Eat this! (Throws the bomb) Everybody down!
(The bomb explodes as the monster screeches)
Sean: (V/O as Graboid) Ow! That fucking hurts!
Sean: (Narrating) They all make a run for the rocks and Burt has tons of pipe bombs that would help them out.
Rhonda LeBeck: What if we throw one that way, the way that we wanna go. Then when it explodes, I mean if it drives them away, we run like goddamn bastards.
(Earl turns to Rhonda with a surprised look)
Rhonda LeBeck: Pardon my French.
"Oh, great. Now you've got Rhonda cursing as well. You know, for a PG-13 movie, you sure do cuss a lot." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So they all make a run for the rocks and now they're all stranded on a rock so they could die a slow death.
Val McKee: Well, we're not gonna pole vault outta here. That's for damn sure.
Heather Gummer: Wait a minute. What're y'all talkin' about? It's like you're givin' up or somethin'
Rhonda LeBeck: They'll just wait out there 'til we're dead. That's exactly what they do.
"Well, if Burt packed himself an RPG, then you could make yourself one hell of a rocket pack, if you don't want to blow yourself up. Sean said.
Burt Gummer: For chrissakes, we could've made a stand at our place. We had food, water…
Earl Bassett: You can't fight 'em like that.
Burt Gummer: So you two screw-ups hauled us way the hell out here?
Val McKee: Hey. Hey. Why don't you just back off, string bean? You know, we could've left your worthless ass on the roof!
Burt Gummer: I wish you had, fearless leader. Who the hell put you two in charge?
Val McKee: Don't push me, Burt! Just don't goddamn push me! If them Graboids don't kill 'im. I will.
Burt Gummer: What?
"Uh, you can't kill him. We need him for the sequels and the TV show." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) With everyone bored out of their minds while being stranded on a rock and Burt having some extra spare bombs, they can tempt the creature with vibrations, toss the pipe bomb out, the Graboid grabs it and…
(The bomb explodes, killing the worm. Everyone cheers, then pieces of the Graboid splatter all over the rock and on Earl)
(A clip from Knightmare is shown)
Treguard (Played by Hugo Myatt): Oooh, nasty.
Sean: (Narrating) And with that, Stumpy is the last one left, but he's much smarter than the others because he's not going to fall for the 'ol bomb trick as he tosses it back to them and lands in the bag of pipe bombs. And with only one bomb left, Val has a goddamn plan, which involves him running like hell towards the nearby cliff.
(Val tosses the lit pipe bomb behind Stumpy)
Earl Bassett: Too far! You threw it behind him.
(The bomb explodes, making Stumpy speed up in fear. Earl and Rhonda move out of the way while Val remains in place)
Earl Bassett: Run, Val! Run!
(Val, after waiting for the right moment, jumps out of the way. Stumpy throws itself through the cliff face and falls)
Val McKee: Can you fly, you sucker? Can you fly?
Sean: (V/O as Stumpy) Just wait until Tremors 3, ass…
(Stumpy plummets to it's death onto the rocks below)
Val McKee: Well, it just… suddenly hit me, you know. Stampede.
(Earl laughs)
"Val, you magnificent bastard. I've read your book!" Sean exclaimed, imitating Earl.
Sean: (Narrating) With the final Graboid dead, the authorities finally arrive and research is gonna be done on the Graboids with Rhonda being involved. Well, I guess it's a good time for Val to kiss the girl.
Val McKee: Rhonda.
Rhonda LeBeck: Yeah?
Val McKee: I-I-I just… wanted to-
(Val kisses Rhonda before the credits roll and the song "Why Not Tonight" by Reba McEntire plays)
"Don't worry, we never see these two again in the sequels. Hell, they've mentioned Val in Tremors 2: Aftershocks and they brought back Fred Ward for the movie. And that was Tremors, it's a great movie." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) The characters are likeable, except for Melvin, the pacing, the setup come together, it has some quotable lines, some amazing creature work and sound design, great suspense and great comedy and some great cinematography. Hell, it's hard for me to come up with something negative about. The movie is fun popcorn entertainment. If you haven't seen it, then go watch it. Tremors comes in at 5 exploding pipe bombs out of 5.
"And that is all for Halloween Havoc. Man, can't wait for next year's Halloween Havoc. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic. Well, since I've did a review, I guess it's time for another Top 11 Countdown. What should I talk about?" Sean asked.
(The "Cheers" theme starts playing in the background)
"Oh, I've think I've found the perfect show to talk about." Sean said with a smile on his face.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Son of a goddamn bitch! Pardon my French.
And that is all for Halloween Havoc IV. I hope that you all enjoyed it and the review of Tremors. So, out of four of the Halloween Havocs in The Mayhem Critic, which one is your favorite review in Halloween Havoc? Next time on The Mayhem Critic, it's time for another Top 11 Countdown as Sean takes a look at the best episodes of the little Boston bar where everybody knows your name. And that show is Cheers. Yep, the Top 11 Best Episodes of Cheers. After the Top 11 Countdown, it's the review of Stakeout and Another Stakeout which I will call the Stakeout Double Feature. Then, it's the most wonderful time of the year again… and by that I mean COMMERCIALS! So, me and my good buddy UltimateWarriorFan4Ever will be working on Commercials VII: The Commercials Awakens. Feel free to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. If you're new to The Mayhem Critic and you started checking it out, then feel free to read and review it, I would love to know what you think of the reviews. If you want to co-review a movie, a TV show or do a Top 11 Countdown with me, then feel free to PM me if you're interested. Aside from working on The Mayhem Critic, I will be working on other Schneiderverse one-shots for iCarly, Victorious and Sam & Cat. I will be working on the Creddie one-shot iStill Love You for iCarly, then I will be working on the Seddie one-shot The Detective and the P.I. for iCarly as well and also Tori's Christmas Gift for Victorious which will involve Jori (Jade & Tori), then there's the Carly/Jade one-shot called Sweet and Innocent for iCarly and Victorious and I have the perfect plot for it or I might need help to come up with a plot for it, who knows. And finally the Sam/Cat one-shot Sam's Plaything for Sam & Cat. I want to get those done before 2021 ends. Plus, I have a very special one-shot coming up in January of 2022 for the iCarly reboot, which will definitely involve Carly, Freddie and Brooke. Hope that you all love what I have planned out. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.