The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and I am here to bring you another great and hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Well, you're in for a very special treat because I've been waiting a long time to review these two movies from my favorite director John Badham. And those two movies are Stakeout and Another Stakeout. In which I call this the Stakeout Double Feature. So sit back, relax and enjoy the new hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Stakeout and Another Stakeout is owned by Touchstone Pictures.
Episode 132
Stakeout and Another Stakeout
We open with our favorite residential movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting on the couch in his living room as he prepares his signature introduction for today's review.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said. "Okay, so we have two films to review, my friends. That's right, two. And they're from one of my favorite directors of all time, John Badham. And he's directed tons of films that I like, those films including Dracula, Wargames, The Hard Way, Short Circuit, Bird on a Wire, Point of No Return, Blue Thunder, Nick of Time and Saturday Night Fever. So, what two John Badham movies am I going to be talking about? I'm going to be talking about the comedy-thrillers…"
(The title screen for the films Stakeout and Another Stakeout are shown followed by clips from the two movies while the song "Is It Love?" by Mr. Mister plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) …Stakeout and Another Stakeout. Two wacky movies that were released in 1987 and 1993 about two wacky detectives who are assigned to go stakeout another person's who's involved with someone who's involved in criminal activity.
"We got a lot of movie to review and little time to do it in. So, let's not waste any time and skip the intros and let's dive right in." Sean said.
(Stakeout begins)
Sean: (Narrating) Alright, let's just start. The movie opens on the set of Oz, where we will be focusing on the movie's villain, Richard 'Stick' Montgomery, played by Aidan Quinn, as he prepares for his most elaborate plan to escape from the joint. So, how does he do it? By screwing around with his cellmate, of course.
Richard 'Stick' Montgomery (Played by Aidan Quinn): What did I tell you about screwing around with my books?
Billy Steeks (Played by Kim Kondrashoff): I didn't touch your fag rags! You understand?
Richard 'Stick' Montgomery: Who the hell else touched them? There's only you and me in here.
Billy Steeks: Piss off!
Richard 'Stick' Montgomery: Hey, man. Don't fuckin' tell me to piss off
Billy Steeks: I just did, asshole.
(Montgomery and Steeks start fighting in their cell)
"Eh, I guess he was jealous that he wrote a better threesome fanfic involving Sam Puckett, Jade West and Freddie Benson than him." Sean said.
Prison Guard: We got a problem in 17. Better get down there.
Inmate #1: Hey, Billy! Billy, get him good!
(During the fight, the inmates start yelling and throwing stuff out of their cells and try to watch the fight)
Sean: (V/O as Inmate) Quick! Throw the toilet paper! We don't need that shit!
Sean: (Narrating) So, Montgomery gets stabbed by his cellmate and taken to the infirmary, but this is all part of his plan when his cousin Caylor Reese, played by Ian Tracey, arrives to bust him out.
Richard 'Stick' Montgomery: (Grabs the guard's nightstick) Fuck you too.
(Montgomery beats the guard up while Caylor grabs the prison doctor and holds him at gunpoint while Montgomery continues beating the guard)
Caylor Reese (Played by Ian Tracey): Hey. Hey! Stick, we gotta go.
Sean: (V/O as Montgomery) Oh, come on. Can I just finish beating the guy to death?
Sean: (V/O as Reese) No, man. Let's get the hell out of here.
Richard 'Stick' Montgomery: (To the doctor) Do you think it's humane to pump perfectly sane prisoners full of Filoxin and Thorazine?
(Montgomery starts beating the doctor)
"Well, yeah. Unless, they're the insane ones." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, you're probably wondering why this guy is in prison. Well, he was convicted of killing an FBI agent and to see his girlfriend, who lives in Seattle. And speaking of Seattle, we're then introduced to our two main characters for the movie, Detective Chris Leece played by Richard Dreyfuss, and Detective Bill Reimers played by Emilio Estevez, as we see the two of them sitting at a diner for breakfast and for Bill to take time to judge Chris' eating habits while waiting for a criminal and looking cool with their moustaches…
"Or looking like an out of work pornstar with a moustache." Sean said.
(Chris makes a breakfast sandwich with a piece of bread that has tabasco sauce and ketchup on it. He then puts a fried egg, sunny-side up, on top of the bread, followed by another sunny-side up egg and a few slices of bacon as Bill notices this and laughs)
Bill Reimers (Played by Emilio Estevez): That is disgusting.
Chris Leece (Played by Richard Dreyfuss): Really? (Eats his sandwich)
Bill Reimers: My God. Do you eat like that in front of your mother?
Chris Leece: It's an old family custom.
Bill Reimers: Well, I tell ya. It's not healthy. You gotta take your time. Do you have any idea what that does to your digestive system?
Chris Leece: No, but I'm afraid you're gonna tell me.
"Yeah, who in the world eats a breakfast sandwich with tabasco sauce and ketchup with the eggs sunny-side up? You're gonna deal with some runny eggs here. I would like my eggs scrambled with a side of bacon, three sausage links and hash browns. That's my idea breakfast. Oh, and a cup of coffee with French vanilla cream in it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So as we can see that these two goofballs are going after a criminal that they're trying to bust named B.C., played by stuntman J.J. Makaro, as they both split up to look for the guy. Chris gets ambushed by B.C. and tries to read the guy's rights, but the guy is just resisting arrest.
(Leece and B.C. land in a pile of fish as they get into a fistfight with each other. B.C. climbs out, leaving Chris behind)
Chris Leece: Oh, shit! Bill!
(Bill turns around and hears Chris' voice as he goes to look for him)
Chris Leece: Bill!
(Bill climbs up the ladder and spots B.C.)
Bill Reimers: Stop, police!
(B.C. makes a run for it)
Chris Leece: (Yells) Bill!
(Chris goes down a conveyor belt that's covered with dead fish as the workers yell at him)
"Oh, man. He's gonna have to take a long shower after that. And he's probably gonna have fish in places where fish shouldn't be." Sean said before shuddering in disgust.
Sean: (Narrating) So as Chris catches up with B.C. and tries to arrest him, Bill shows up in a forklift and gets in the way, resulting in…
(B.C. pulls out a gun and shoots at Chris. Chris takes cover. B.C. shoots at Bill, who's on a forklift. Bill drives off the dock with the forklift and falls into the water as B.C. escapes)
"Only for them to screw it up by letting the suspect get away. Yeah, they're pretty clumsy with their job." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After letting the criminal escape and destroying a forklift in the process, Chris and Bill return to the station, where they are being made fun of by two rival detectives, Phil Coldshank played by Dan Lauria from The Wonder Years and his partner Jack Pismo, played by a young Forest Whitaker.
Jack Pismo (Played by Forest Whitaker): What is that smell?
Phil Coldshank (Played by Dan Lauria): Chris, oh, oh… looks like somebody's been in a fight, Jack.
Jack Pismo: What, nobody in cuffs here? This means something.
Phil Coldshank: Wait a minute, wait a minute. I think that means that, uh, somebody got their ass kicked.
(Jack and Phil laugh)
"Hey, watch it, Jack. One more word out of you and you won't be able to live the wonder years. Geez, no wonder you're always snippy at home." Sean said.
(A clip from The Wonder Years is shown)
Jack Arnold (Played by Dan Lauria): Don't give me that, Norma! This family doesn't need an ashtray for 200 people! This family NEEDS Pepsi!
Sean: (Narrating) They head into their Captain's office, who's just your typical 80s movie cliched police captain who's just on their case. Captain Giles, played by Earl Billings respectively, berates them for a bit and he introduces Chris and Bill, along with Jack and Phil, to Agent Thomas Lusk, played by Jackson Davies. Agent Lusk is from the FBI and he's requested their help on this case to track down Montgomery.
FBI Agent Lusk (Played by Jackson Davies): Two years ago, he killed one of our agents. He shoulda had the chair, but he had a sharp attorney, and the local police were a little too zealous in their pursuit of evidence. A plea bargain kept him from frying.
Phil Coldshank: Just busted out of Stonehurst, didn't he? Killed a guard?
FBI Agent Lusk: Yeah, he and his cousin crossed into Wyoming, ditched their truck and had a car waiting.
Phil Coldshank: If he's in Wyoming, why are you here?
"Yeah, why couldn't the FBI go after the man in Wyoming? What's so important here in Seattle? Well, there's iCarly. Are you guys planning on asking Carly Shay and her friends to appear on her web show and do some random dancing?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Agent Lusk thinks that Montgomery will flee to Mexico, but he has friends in Seattle. One, in particular on who they'll be watching, which is his ex-girlfriend Maria Maguire. So, they'll have to move in on this one fast and if they spot Montgomery, they'll have to report it, nothing more. I repeat, nothing more.
FBI Agent Lusk: Remember, this is an FBI operation.
Chris Leece: Wait a second. Wait a second. Excuse me, Captain. There's something a little ripe here. Let me ask you a question. What you're asking is that you'd like us to sit on our butts on some low-priority, shit detail on the off chance that we'll run across some "bad people" and then what are we supposed to do? We're supposed to give you a jingle so you can make the arrest and get the keys to the city? (Chuckles) Excuse me, Captain, I'm sorry. I don't like to sound negative, but this is bullshit. I'm a cop. You understand me? I'm not a security guard. I see some bad people, I'm going to be a little too busy to make a phone call.
"I'm gonna be a little busy shooting at some bad people. I don't have to follow your rules." Sean said, imitating Chris.
Sean: (Narrating) So, they're assigned to watch over Maria Maguire's house from across the street. With Pismo and Coldshank taking the day shift and Chris and Bill taking the night shift. But Phil, has a little problem about being on a stakeout with Chris and Bill.
Phil Coldshank: Chris and Bill are slobs, sir.
(Bill laughs)
Phil Coldshank: No, no. On the last stakeout that Jack and I were on, they never once cleaned up after themselves. I mean, look at them. Smell them.
Bill Reimers: Lick my left one, buddy. You left cigar butts all over the place
Phil Coldshank: Oh, please.
Jack Pismo: You guys never once changed the toilet paper. What, you don't wipe yourself?
Chris Leece: You are disgusting. You are filth.
Bill Reimers: Hey, what about his dog? He let his dog ouss all over the carpet.
Phil Coldshank: Hey, that's a goddamn lie!
"And the worst part about being on a stakeout with them is that they didn't bring the goddamn Pepsi. Phil freaked out when Chris and Bill brought Coca-Cola instead." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Chris and Bill arrive to the house across the street from where Maria lives and they see that the house is a complete shithole when they step inside.
Bill Reimers: (In a Cuban accent, a la Ricky Ricardo): "Lucy, you got some explaining to do."
(Chris laughs)
Chris Leece: Very attractive. I think Jason lives here.
Bill Reimers: What the hell did we do to deserve this?
Chris Leece: I think it was that stripper we sent to the captain on his birthday.
Bill Reimers: I told you we should have sent the woman.
"Why did you have to send that chick Hennessy to his office? Her boot flew off and hit him in the nose. No wonder he has trouble breathing from out of his left nostril." Sean said, imitating Bill.
Sean: (Narrating) During their first night of staking out Maria's place, Chris and Bill get bored out of their minds and they start reading her profile.
Bill Reimers: (Reading Maria's profile) Irish-Mexican. A waitress going to night school, but apparently not this quarter. She drives a 1980 Volkswagen. Lives alone./Long brown hair, brown eyes.
Chris Leece: hmm.
Bill Reimers: Five-foot-six.
Chris Leece: Too tall.
Bill Reimers: Too tall. For us, anyway. Oh, and the moment we've all been waiting for… (Imitates drum roll) 313 pounds.
Chris Leece: 313 pounds? Let me see that!
Bill Reimers: I would imagine that's fully clothed.
Chris Leece: Oh, my God! Oh, she could be the house. This is disgusting! I hate this job!
"Don't worry. In a few seconds, you'll totally change your mind about this job. Trust me." Sean said with a smirk on his face."
Sean: (Narrating) The two continue to wait for Maria while testing their knowledge on some trivia. Also, I love how Bill asks him a question on a certain line from a movie…
Bill Reimers: Okay, okay, what movie, what movie? Um… "Well, this was not a boating accident."
Chris Leece: I don't know.
Bill Reimers: Oh, you're hopeless.
(A clip from Jaws is shown)
Hooper (Played by Richard Dreyfuss): Well this is not a boating accident! It wasn't any propeller! It wasn't any coral reef! And it wasn't Jack the Ripper! It was a shark.
"Wow, way to not know your own movie there, Mr. Dreyfuss. What's next? Emilio Estevez not knowing where the line "Stay gold, Ponyboy" is from?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) They see that Maria has arrived home and they see that she's a very attractive woman. They see that Maria, played by Madeleine Stowe, is busy doing her regular routine. Stuff like checking the mail and walking around the house….
Bill Reimers: Uh, looks like, uh…
Chris Leece: Like what?
Bill Reimers: Like she's undressing.
(A clip from Wayne's World plays)
Wayne Campbell (Played by Mike Myers): Schwing!
Garth Algar (Played by Dana Carvey): Schwing!
(Chris runs over to the window to watch Maria undress)
Bill Reimers: Oh, God.
Sean: (V/O as Chris) Well, helloooooooo nurse!
(She takes off her top and they see that she's not wearing a bra. Maria, then closes the door)
Chris and Bill: No, no, no! No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no!
(Maria heads into the other room)
Chris Leece: Argh! Argh! Argh! Argh!
Bill Reimers: To protect and to serve.
Chris Leece: Ooh, ooh, ooh, I love my job so much.
"See? I told ya." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So the next morning, Jack and Phil arrive to take over for Chris and Bill. And we see that they tend to pull practical jokes on them by dropping rolls of toilet paper on top of Phil's head, which ensues a prank war between the officers. Also, Chris returns home, only to find that his wife Bonnie has left him and also Bill is married and he has a baby boy as well. So, yeah. We get to see their home life. Meanwhile, we see that Montgomery and his cousin are at a bar having a few drinks while on the discussion of money.
Caylor Reese: So, I want to get paid, right? Figure she still has your money?
Richard 'Stick' Montgomery: Oh, I know she's still got my mony.
Caylor Reese: How do you know? You haven't seen her in a year and a half.
Richard 'Stick' Montgomery: Because she doesn't even know she's got it.
"When I get my money from the bitch, I'm buying you a chick magnet car while I get myself the Infinity Gauntlet." Sean said, imitating Montgomery.
Sean: (Narrating) Later that night, Chris and Bill are tapping the phone lines until Maria gets a phone call from Montgomery, until Chris cuts the phone line and he poses as a repairman from the phone company and Maria lets him inside her house to check the phones and trying to resist his charms. While she's busy grabbing some money, Chris is busy tapping the phones and trying to look through her things for some important information. But luckily, he stops what he's doing before she enters her bedroom.
Maria McGuire (Played by Madeleine Stowe): Look, I really can't wait anymore. I'm sorry.
Chris Leece: Problem?
Maria McGuire: My brother is in a lot of trouble right now. He's down with the police at the station. And there's bail I have to take care of and I…
Chris Leece: Something serious?
Maria McGuire: Yeah, I think it is. Could you come back tomorrow maybe or…
Chris Leece: I'm done.
Maria McGuire: It's fixed?
"Yeah, the problem's fixed. Just buy yourself a new phone. Hell, get a cellphone. They're way better." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Chris heads back and he immediately becomes smitten by Maria, and his partner is not happy about it.
Bill Reimers: What the hell were you doing?
Chris Leece: What do you mean, what I was doin'? I was putting in a bug, for crying out loud.
Bill Reimers: Oh, really? Is that what it was? Huh? Well, I don't call goin' through that woman's drawers puttin' in a goddamn bug.
"Come on, Bill. Relax. Maybe Chris was just finding out what Maria's bra size was. He was just curious." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Chris wants to go back inside Maria's house to check it out and find more info, since she's out of the house. But Bill won't let him because this is the Feds' party and he'll get fired for illegal procedure. In Chris' case, screw the Feds because he's goin' in. Chris sneaks into Maria's house to go through Maria's drawers to see if he could find anything on Montgomery, which is a bunch of letters from Montgomery, including one that's last dated four months ago.
Chris Leece: (Reads the letter) "Dear Maria- First you stop coming to visit me and now you won't even answer my letters. I understand you're lonely. I hear you're seeing a couple of guys. Sometimes I get so mad that I could wipe out a whole planet and enjoy myself doing it."
Bill Reimers: Now how could she have dumped a charmer like him?
Sean: (Narrating) Chris lets Bill know that Montgomery has a buddy with the initials "B.C.", who's in Seattle. And yes, B.C. is the same guy that Chris and Bill were trying to catch earlier. And while he's jotting down the information that Chris is giving him, Bill sees that Maria has returned.
Bill Reimers: (Sees Maria) Holy shit!
Chris Leece: What?
Bill Reimers: Get out of the house. Get out of the fucking house, man. She's right there. She's at the stairs.
Chris Leece: Are you fucking with me?
Bill Reimers: No, I'm not fucking with you! Get out of the house!
Sean: (V/O as Chris) Oh, game over, man! Game over! Where the hell do I hide?
Sean: (Narrating) Chris hides under Maria's bed and he starts acting like a little perv by watching her strip out of her clothes and taking a shower. And this is the scene that I remember seeing when I was watching this movie when I was little. Which is Richard Dreyfuss hiding under the bed while Gloria Estefan's "Rhythm is Gonna Get You" plays in the background and him dancing while trying to get a peek.
(Chris takes a peek to watch Maria taking a shower while sexy porno music plays)
"Looks like somebody's composing a little letter to Penthouse in their mind. Oh, yeah." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After we get the comedic version of The Voyeurs while Chris gets a hard-on from seeing Maria naked before he leaves. The next day, while doing some shopping for food for him anc Chris for their stakeout, Chris runs into Maria and the two of them get to talking.
Maria McGuire: Do you live in the neighborhood?
Chris Leece: No, no. I was in the area working.
Maria McGuire: More lines down?
Chris Leece: Always. So, are you satisfied with the phone system, are you? You don't need anything else installed? Any trimline, or videophone, or anything at all?
"Or want me to join you in the shower, I mean, uh nipples, I mean phone sex. Dah!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Maria asks Chris for a ride home after her bike has a flat and he does something stupid, by calling himself "Bill". But hey, he couldn't resist her beauty. Anyway, Bill sees Chris dropping Maria off at her home and she invites him in for some dinner and he gets to know more about Maria. Hell, he does to the point where he ends up helping out her brother Reynaldo, played by Scott Anderson. He does this by giving him a job with a construction company and for him to straighten out his act and tries not blow his cover when he sees Maria, who's here to see her brother.
B.C. (Played by J.J. Makaro): Hey, Fishman. One day we dance again, okay?
Maria McGuire: Are you in some kind of trouble?
Chris Leece: No, no. No, he's just a funny friend.
"A funny friend that tried to kill you." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating): Also, we get one of my favorite and funniest moments from the movie where Bill puts a feral cat in Jack's car and this happens.
(Jack and Phil get in the car with Winston, Phil's dog. As they drive off, the cat yowls and attacks Winston)
Sean: (V/O as Cat) Take that, doggie. Those are for years of punishment for making me watch Spike beat up Tom, you asshole!
(The cat chases Winston while Chris and Bill watch and start laughing right when Phil and Jack get out of the car)
Phil Coldshank: Winston! Chris, you son of a bitch! Winston!
(Phil goes after Winston)
Jack Pismo: This is not funny!
"You can't do this to me! I won an Academy Award for Best Actor and I was in the movie Black Panther!" Sean yelled out as he imitates the character Jack Pismo.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Chris calls up Maria and tries to break it off with her because it would jeopardize his job, making her think that he's in some kind of trouble. So the next morning, Maria decides to call him up.
Maria McGuire: (On the phone) Now, you listen to me, fella. Just because you said you're having a little bit of trouble doesn't mean I'm gonna let you off the hook.
Chris Leece: Holy shit! (Makes a loud exaggerated cough)
(We cut to Jack and Phil, who are busy listening in on Maria's phone conversation)
Chris Leece: (Disguised voice) I can't talk now.
Maria McGuire: Are you alright?
Chris Leeve: I have to call you back.
Maria McGuire: What is it? Is it the police?
"Well, yes. Actually, he is the police. But we'll let you find out later. Plus, they're listening in on your conversation. So, he's gonna have to cut it short." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Later, Chris spots Montgomery forcing himself into Maria's house, but Bill tries to warn Chris that it's not Montgomery, but it turns out to be some guy who's looking for his wife as Chris deals with the situation by calming the guy down, which impresses Maria. Well, I guess that means one thing.
(Maria kisses Chris as sexy porno music starts playing in the background)
Chris Leece: Oh, boy. I'm in over my head here.
Maria McGuire: Stay with me.
(We cut back to Maria and Chris kissing passionately)
Maria McGuire: Oh, Bill.
Chris Leece: Fuck Bill.
Sean: (V/O as Chris) Oh, I'm definitely getting some action tonight. I get to touch some yabos.
Sean: (Narrating) We then see Montgomery returning to Maria's house with a gun as he finds her in bed with Chris and he kills her. But, it turns out to be a bad dream that Chris was having as the two of them decide to have a little morning sex.
(Chris flips Maria over)
Chris Leece: What time is it?
Maria McGuire: 7:30.
Chris Leece: Jesus Christ!
"Shit! I'm late for my filming of Moon Over Parador. Man, Paul Mazursky is gonna murder me." Sean said, imitating Chris.
Chris Leece: Listen, uh, you think you could lend me a hat?
Maria McGuire: A hat?
Chris Leece: Yeah, yeah, a hat. I got this really bad skin condition, and it's very dangerous for me to go out in the sun.
Maria McGuire: Like a rash?
"No, more like the sparkling vampires from Twilight." Sean said. "Hell, maybe Chris is a vampire."
Sean: (Narrating) We then get a hilarious chase scene where Phil and Jack think that they've spotted Montgomery with Chris trying not to get spotted by the cops and avoid getting caught by them. And I just love composer Arthur B. Rubinstein's music score in this movie. It really plays up the goofiness in this movie aside from some of the serious stuff. Anyway, the cops listen to the recording and Bill gets furious at Chris for his stupidity.
Bill Reimers: "Bill"? I mean, that's the last fuckin' straw. You break it…
(Jack and Phil walk past Chris and Bill)
Phil Coldshank: Good night.
(Chris walks away)
Bill Reimers: Hey, hey, hey, I'm serious, man. It ends right here. Either you break it off or you get your ass reassigned because I'm not goin' down with you! I busted my ass to make detective before 30. I'm not gonna let you fuck that up! You got that, Chris?
Chris Leece: Yeah, I got that.
Bill Reimers: You used to be a hell of a cop, man. Get your shit together.
"Okay, who does Bill think he is the white version of Roger Murtaugh? I guess he's getting too young for this shit." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Montgomery and his cousin are busy having a pleasant drive until the cops spot them and we get a pretty intense car chase.
(The cops chase Montgomery as Caylor gets into a shootout with the cops with a shotgun. The cops shoot at the car, with one of the bullets hitting Caylor)
Caylor Reese: Aah! Jesus!
"Boy, you guys are at the two-star wanted level. If only you have some more cops who are armed to the teeth with automatic weapons, then you got yourself a three-star warning." Sean laughs.
(We see every single armed police officer shooting at Montgomery's car)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. Looks like machine guns and shotguns won't stop Montgomery now. Hell, these guys act like Stormtroopers by missing every shot and hitting the car.
Richard 'Stick' Montgomery: Hope this road goes somewhere.
Caylor Reese: We're never gonna get out of this!
(Montgomery ends up crashing the car into the river)
Sean: (V/O as Cop) Oh, I'm sure that he's dead alright.
Sean: (Narrating) Chris and Bill get ready to pack up after hearing the news of Montgomery's death. Oh, yeah. I'm sure that he's dead. So now, he has to break it off to Maria by telling her the truth.
Chris Leece: (Shows Maria his badge) I don't work for the phone company. And my name is not Bill. It's Chris.
Maria McGuire: You're a cop?
Chris Leece: I'm a detective. I'm staking out the home of an ex-girlfriend of an escaped federal prisoner.
Maria McGuire: You've been watching me?
"A-doyyyyy!" Sean said as he lightly hits the side of his head.
(Maria enters the house across the street and sees Bill and the surveillance equipment while Bill hides the camera behind his back)
Maria McGuire: What do you got there, huh?
(Maria looks at the camera behind Bill's back. She then looks around and sees the telescope before looking at a photo of her with stuff drawn on her face)
Maria McGuire: Well… you guys are great.
"So, I guess we won't be going to Red Robin for a date then?" Sean asked, imitating Chris.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, Maria didn't take it pretty well. Let's just say that she's fifty shades of pissed off with Chris as he tries to talk to her about why he did it. But she doesn't want to hear about it as she returns to her home to find her ex-boyfriend in her home to surprise her while Chris goes to talk to Maria until he gets held at gunpoint by Montgomery.
Richard 'Stick' Montgomery: You couldn't tell her you were what? You couldn't tell her you were what? Who is this guy? You… Is this the guy? Is this the reason? You wanna take a walk in the other room, pretty please? Take a fuckin' walk.
"Dude, no need for the hostility here. All I wanted was to borrow a cup of sugar so I can make my Kool-Aid. You don't have to point the gun at me." Sean said, imitating Chris.
Sean: (Narrating) Bill finds Chris and Maria being held at gunpoint by Montgomery as he goes to check it out. Montgomery gets his money, that he has stashed in Maria's couch. And Bill ends up getting spotted by Montgomery, so he sends Chris out there to check it out, only for him to knock out. We then come to the climax of the film where Chris and Bill are about to get killed by Montgomery so he could flee to Canada with Maria.
Maria McGuire: You're going to kill them, aren't you?
Richard 'Stick' Montgomery: Well, I'm not gonna make love to them.
"Ewww." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Chris frees Bill while Maria stops Montgomery from killing Chris, only for her to get backhanded by him. And we see that Montgomery's friend happens to be B.C.
(A clip from Night Court is shown)
Dan Fielding (Played by John Larroquette): Surprise, surprise!
B.C.: (Recognizes Chris) Jesus Christ, that guy's a cop!
Richard 'Stick' Montgomery: I know he's a cop. His hands are cuffed.
B.C.: Not him. The other one.
(Bill punches Montgomery and goes after B.C. while Chris fights with Montgomery)
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Bill fights B.C. and takes him out easily with B.C. drowning in the water while Chris chases Montgomery in a paper mill, where the two of them have a shootout, only for Chris to lose his gun in a wood chipper. Then, the two of them start having a fist fight, with Maria saving Chris' life while Montgomery tries to kill him, resulting in…
(Chris grabs the gun and shoots Montgomery in the chest, killing him)
Sean: (V/O as Montgomery) Oh, man. That was a new jacket.
Sean: (Narrating) So there, Montgomery dies. Therefore, happy ending and Chris gets the girl. And they all live happily ever after. The end...
Bill Reimers: What a boner.
Sean: (Narrating) ...that is, until "Another Stakeout".
"Unless it's titled "Another Damn Day", I really don't care." Sean said.
(Another Stakeout begins)
Sean: (Narrating) So in the sequel, we get the return of Richard Dreyfuss and Emilio Estevez as detectives Leece and Reimers. But here's something different about this one. Well, aside from it being rated PG-13 unlike the original film, which was rated R. We get another addition to the cast…
Gina Garrett (Played by Rosie O'Donnell): Gentlemen, this assignment's confidential. Don't discuss it.
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, God!
Gina Garrett: Detective! I'm the boss.
Chris Leece: You're the…
Gina Garrett: Yes, detective, I am the boss.
(Bill laughs)
Chris Leece: Okay, this is a joke, right?
(Winston the dog nods his head)
"You cannot be serious, movie. Rosie O'Donnell is teaming up with these two idiots? Oh, this cannot end well." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So it turns out that Rosie O'Donnell plays the character Gina Garrett. Gina is an Assistant District Attorney who teams up with Chris and Bill for a stakeout assignment. But before we talk about the assignment, let's see what else is different with this movie. Instead of an escaped convict, this one deals with a mob witness. And that witness in question is a woman named Lu Delano, played by Cathy Moriarty. Both her and her husband Michael, played by Michael DeLano respectively, are both being held under the protection by the FBI until the trial, that is until the Mafia sends a hit man by the name of Tony Castellano, played by Miguel Ferrer, to whack her before she even rats them out.
"So how does this ruthless hit man eliminates her?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) By driving the septic truck to the location.
McNamara (Played by Christopher Doyle): "You dump it… we pump it"?
Tilghman (Played by Sharon Schaffer): Sounds like a government job.
"Slow day in the Mafia world, huh?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Castellano dumps something in the septic tank while a pizza boy arrives with a box of pizza. With the FBI thinking that the pizza guy is the hit man. Castellano drives away and here's where the plan is pretty clever and elaborate. Castellano pumps some liquid into the septic tank, steals the pizza guy's car, drives away until he's at a far away distance and…
(Castellano presses the button on the detonator, detonating the truck and causes the house to explode as Lu and her husband and a few FBI agents run away from the explosion)
"Oh, man. That is one of the best movie explosions that I have ever seen in my life. And yes, I know that it turned into Michael Bay's wet dream but holy shit, was that explosion awesome." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After that violent attempt on her life and resulting the death of some FBI agents and her husband, Lu disappears and District Attorney Thomas Hassrick, played by John Rubinstein. You know, the voice of Jagen from Fire Emblem Heroes and Gorog from Wizards of Waverly Place. And we see that he's not too happy with the FBI's stupidity.
Thomas Hassrick (Played by John Rubinstein): Unbelievable! This is... unbelievable!
"Okay, either he's turning into George Costanza from Seinfeld or Earl of Lemongrab from Adventure Time. Or probably a mix of both." Sean said as a picture of George Costanza and Lemongrab is shown.
Thomas Hassrick: Our entire case against Costanzo is based on Delano's testimony. So I would really like to know if she is alive or dead before I call her to the witness stand! I can't take this goombah into court with a bunch of circumstantial crap! He'll walk just like he walked the last two times. Hello! This was your responsibility, sir, and you blew it!
"Nope. He's just crazy like a fox. Oh, my God. I just referenced an old show from the 80s that John Rubinstein starred in with Jack Warden." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, with Lu still alive and on the run, where could she be? So, we then jump right into Seattle, where we see our heroes detectives Leece and Reimers, with Chris not sporting the moustache and Bill still sporting his, as they go undercover to catch a killer who murdered a hobo's friends.
Unlucky (Played by Frank C. Turner): Son of a bitch killed my friends. Cut me bad. Think I'd forget?
Chris Leece: (To Bill) We got a positive I.D.
Bill Reimers: Told you not to bother me unless it was important.
"Oh, man. Let's hope it doesn't end badly like the last time with them trying to catch the criminal." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Chris and Bill chase after the criminal and we get a great little callback to the first film, with Bill getting covered in fish and going after the criminal instead of Bill. Chris shows up and corners the bad guy with Bill, this happens.
(The killer charges at Chris as the two of them fall off of the fire escape and into the back of a garbage truck. Also, Sean notices that the killer hits his head on the side of the fire escape)
"Holy shit! Did you see that? He hit his head on the side of the fucking fire escape. Let's see that again." Sean said.
(The footage is shown in slow motion as we see the killer charging at Chris. We then see the killer hits his head on the side of the fire escape once more)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, Jesus! And you know he really cracked his head there and they used the take anyway. That's why John Badham had to show it in super slo-mo so you can see the guy's head hitting the bar. Damn.
"And by the way, that is the Howie Scream that I've heard coming from the guy. When I hear the scream, I think of Beethoven's 2nd where Ryce's boyfriend falls out of the house and into the water and the movie Broken Arrow as well where Christian Slater kicks Howie Long out of the train." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) While Chris fights the killer in the back of the garbage truck while trying to re-enact how Sam Puckett met Cat Valentine, Bill tries to get the truck driver to stop. In which he does. They catch the killer but then the killer gets shot in the shoulder by the hobo, with Chris' gun, so now they got to have a meeting with returning character Phil Coldshank, who's now the captain.
Phil Coldshank: Detective Leece, is this the weapon involved in the assault?
Chris Leece: Yes, sir, Captain, sir.
Phil Coldshank: Do we know whose weapon it is?
Chris Leece: Yes, Captain, sir, it's mine.
"Yeah, it's the second time that he lost his gun. Do we have to repeat things from the original film?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) So with this case now classified as an officer-involved shooting, Chris and Bill are temporarily reassigned to the D.A.'s office. Phil introduces them to Assistant District Attorney Gina Garrett, who informs them on Lu Delano, who's still on the run and their lead to Delano making contact to a couple in Seattle named Brian and Pam O'Hara and she's looking to lay low with them.
Gina Garrett: They left for their vacation home on Bainbridge Island two days ago, which makes putting them under surveillance a little tricky.
Chris Leece: Stakeout.
Gina Garrett: We heard you're good at it.
"Well, of course we're good at it. We're also good at playing pranks on Phil and Jack. By the way, Forest Whitaker is not in this movie. He's probably busy filming the movie Blown Away. Not the 1993 erotic thriller starring Corey Haim, Corey Feldman and Nicole Eggert. I'm talking about the 1994 thriller with Jeff Bridges and Tommy Lee Jones." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) With Gina managing to secure a house next to the O'Haras, which belongs to a judge. Their cover is that they're renting the judge's house for a month of vacation and they're going undercover as father and son and Gina accompanies them as Chris' wife. Meanwhile, Chris returns home to find an angry Maria, who's kicking him out of his house for some odd reason.
"I'm guessing she's pissed off about not being in the credits." Sean said.
(Note: Madeleine Stowe was busy filming the movie Bad Girls at the time)
Sean: (Narrating) No, it's because Chris won't ask her to marry her because history of marriage in his family does not work. Oh, well. So much for these two. Oh, before I forget, that dude Hassrick is helping the mafia track down Delano because you gotta have somebody. So of course, Chris, Bill and Gina, and also her pet rottweiler Archie that she brings along with her, head to the island to and the house to prepare for the stakeout and we get some wacky antics involving Gina's dog and a cat.
(Archie jumps out of the car and chases the tabby cat as Gina sees this happening)
Gina Garrett: Archie? Oh, no. Archie, boy! Archie! Oh, Lord. Oh, no, Archie! Down, Archie! No, boy! Archie!
"Okay, Archie is getting revenge on the cat for attacking poor Winston." Sean said.
Sean: (V/O as Archie) Yes, tabby cat! You're mine, Garfield! I'm gonna be eatin' good tonight!
Sean: (Narrating) They come across their neighbors Pam and Brian O'Hara, played by the late Marcia Strassman and the late Dennis Farina, and they get to know them.
Pam O'Hara (Played by Marcia Strassman): Well, I'm Pam O'Hara. This is my husband, Brian.
Brian O'Hara (Played by Dennis Farina): Hi!
Gina Garrett: Great, I'm Gina. This is my husband…
Chris Leece: Chris! Chris. (Laughs) It's an unusual name. Glad to meet you.
Bill Reimers: Hi, I'm Chris' son, Bill. Uh, I'm his son from his first marriage. My, uh, mom's dead.
(Chris gives Bill a look)
Brian O'Hara: Oh.
"Wow… that was awkward." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back in Las Vegas, we see that the hit man Tony Castellano is having a meeting with his boss, informing him that the FBI and the D.A. couldn't identify Lu's body and they think that she's alive.
Tony Castellano (Played by Miguel Ferrer): You know she's alive.
Gaetano (Played by Sammy Jackson): We don't know she isn't. You know the situation that puts us in.
Tony Castellano: I'm gonna say it again. What are you saying? Do you want the money back?
Gaetano: Tony, Tony. You misunderstand me. Money is not the issue here. Trust is.
"Oh, yeah. Trust is an important part in the Mafia. You do know what happens when they don't trust you? Expect the head of a horse in your bed, buddy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Chris, Bill and Gina get settled into the house and they enjoy their first night as a "family" while Chris and Gina bicker like a married couple about inviting the O'Hara's over for drinks.
Gina Garrett: You happen to be the one who invited them.
Chris Leece: I did not!
Gina Garrett: You certainly did invite them!
Chris Leece: Not! Not!
Gina Garrett: Yes! Yes!
Chris Leece: Not ! Not!
Gina Garrett: Yes! Yes! Yes, you did! You said as clear as day, "Why don't you come over for drinks?"
Chris Leece: Oh, now!
"Well, it's true. He did say that." Sean said.
(Chris eats his sandwich after dipping it into some hummus)
Chris Leece: That's good. What is that?
Gina Garrett: Hummus.
Chris Leece: What-us?
Gina Garrett: Hummus.
Bill Reimers: Some sliced vegetables, a side of hummus. A hummus-side!
(Bill laughs)
Gina Garrett: (Laughs) Oh, that's funny.
(Chris pulls out his gun and points it at Bill while Bill continues to laugh)
"Okay, that joke was funny. That was worth it." Sean said as he laughs.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, they stakeout the O'Haras and plant a bug in their phone line to listen in on their conversation. You know, basically the same as the first film. So anyway, Gina invites Pam and Brian over for dinner and before they could come over while Bill puts the bug in, Gina has a little argument with Chris and Bill.
Chris Leece: Let me tell you something, Miss Assistant District Attorney.
Gina Garrett: Do not use that tone with me.
Chris Leece: If this assignment gets blown, I want to go on record right now, that this is the most stupid, dim-witted, idiotic, moronic piece of putrified garbage that I have ever, in my entire professional career, ever had the displeasure of being involved with.
"I will not be treated like I'm on The View. Why don't you go argue with Donald Trump or Elisabeth Hasselbeck." Sean said, imitating Chris.
Gina Garrett: You pathetic Steven Segal wannabe. Walkin' around all dressed in black.
(Bill laughs)
Gina Garrett: You think it's funny? You're even worse than he is, do ya know that? You're just a flunky; you're a sidekick. That's what you are. He's Fred, you're Barney. He's Johnny Carson, you're Ed McMahon!
(Chris gasps)
Bill Reimers: That's it! Nobody calls me Ed McMahon!
"Okay, where's my hockey stick? Because this chick is about to be toast!" Sean exclaimed, imitating Bill.
Gina Garrett: All right, I'm sorry! I am sorry.
Chris Leece: (Chuckles) Really?
Gina Garrett: I'm sorry about this whole thing. I'm sorry that you feel this assignment is beneath you. I am sorry that I brought my dog. (Breaks down crying) I am sorry that I was taking a bath when I should be watching the O'Hara's house. But most of all… I am sorry we are not getting along! So if you wanna leave, just leave!
"Okay, movie's over! Roll credits!" Sean exclaimed.
(The end credits are shown while the song "Love Has a Mind of It's Own" by Ray Charles starts playing)
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, I'm kidding! They don't quit. Turns out that Gina was faking to make the two of them feel guilty. So, the O'Hara's arrive for dinner while Bill goes in their house to put in a bug, but he ends up getting knocked out and tied to a chair by Lu Delano, who's been hiding out at the O'Hara's house. Meanwhile, Chris and Gina are busy entertaining Pam and Brian and I just love this scene where Pam and Brian think that they're psychotic. After the dinner party, the O'Hara's return home to find Lu and a tied up body as they help her drag Bill out of the house as Chris and Gina pursue Delano, where she's about to kill Bill after thinking that he's trying to kill her.
Lu Delano: So how much was I worth, huh? $25,000? $30,000? Huh? Keep going. You shouldn't have come after me. I wasn't gonna testify. (Lu hits Bill with her gun) Don't stop! You don't do anything unless I tell you. Maybe you're the guy that killed Michael. Huh? Are you? Did you kill Michael? I bet you are, you son of a bitch!
"His fuckin' cock's bigger than yours too!" Sean yelled out, imitating Lu Delano while making a reference to the film Raging Bull.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Chris and Gina save Bill from getting shot at by Lu, while Chris tries to drown Lu and punches her in the face to knock her out. Meanwhile, Hassrick informs the bad mob boss that they found Lu at Bainbridge Island, so him and Gina take her to Pam and Brian. Also, Castellano shows up on the island to finish the job. Chris and Bill get ready to pack up as they see Gina, Lu, Hassrick and two detectives show up at the O'Hara's and they spot Castellano with a sniper rifle as he tries to assasinate Lu.
Seattle Det. Gilliam (Played by Thomas Mitchell): Police, freeze!
(Det. Gilliam shoots as Chris and Bill)
"Dude!" Sean exclaimed.
Bill Reimers: Stop shooting at us, you idiots!
(Detective Willis shoots at Chris and Bill as well)
Chris Leece: They think we're the bad guys. Show 'em your badge.
Bill Reimers: They're never gonna believe we're cops.
"Why don't you flash your badge, they'll believe that you're cops." Sean said.
Chris and Bill: (As they flash their badges) Don't shoot, we're cops!
(Leece and Reimers take cover behind the rocks while Willis and Gilliam continue to shoot at them)
"Well, that didn't work. Maybe you can just shoot at them because they're idiots with bad aim." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The film comes to a thrilling climax as Castellano takes out the two cops and Hassrick, he tries to kill Lu but he takes Gina as a hostage and holds her at gunpoint. But Archie jumps in to save the day as he knocks Castellano and Gina into the pool.
(Castellano shoots Gina in the shoulder. Both Chris and Bill gun down Castellano, killing him)
"Well, they manage to kill the hit man. But, Rosie O'Donnell is still alive. Dammit." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, happy ending! The hit man is dead, Gina is still alive. Chris returns to his apartment and finds Maria there and he asks her to marry her. She says yes and the two live happily ever after… with Bill watching them through his binoculars.
Bill Reimers: Aww. (Looks through his binoculars) Oooh!
Sean: (Narrating) And that was Stakeout and Another Stakeout. And man, what a rush to get through them.
"So, how do these two movies hold up?" Sean asked.
(Clips from the two movies are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) Let me just say this, they're both pretty good. I have a lot of fun watching them. Chris and Bill are both likeable and hilarious, I love the mix of suspense and comedy in these films, John Badham's directing and Jim Kouf's screenplay as well. They're both guilty pleasures and these are two films to check out. The Stakeout Double Feature gets 4 binoculars out of 5.
"Well, that's all the time we have for today. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic. I'll see you guys next time." Sean said.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Some sliced vegetables, a side of hummus. A hummus-side!
And that was the Stakeout Double Feature for The Mayhem Critic. Sorry that it took me so long to post it. I've been busy with work during the holidays. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, it's that time again as Sean and Lucas take a look at some more commercials with Commercials VII: The Commercials Awakens. Hopefully, we'll get to finish it before the end of November. After Commercials VII, it's time to look at some Christmas stuff as I take a look at the 1979 Rankin-Bass Christmas special Jack Frost. Then, after Jack Frost, I will be reviewing A Loud House Christmas. If anyone wants to do a co-review with me on A Loud House Christmas, feel free to PM me. Anyway, feel free to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. If you would like to do a co-review with me, feel free to PM me if you're interested. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.