The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and I am here to bring you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Well, the wait is over and you all know what that means… COMMERCIALS! That's right, it's time for Sean and his good buddy Lucas to take a look at some more commercials. Will they encounter some weird, wild, wacky and shocking commercials along the way? We'll find out today in the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
Episode 133
Commercials VII: The Commercials Awakens
We open with our favorite residential movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic as we see him sitting on the couch in his living room. This time, he is seen wearing his Cap 'n Crunch t-shirt and a denim blue button up shirt that he's wearing over his t-shirt, jeans and white Adidas sneakers while holding his remote control to the television before turning his attention to the camera a la parody of Shameless.
"Oh, really? You don't know what I'm doing right now? What were you doing that was so important than taking a look at some more commercials. Fuck… roll the goddamn intro. And yes, I'm doing a parody of the show Shameless, so sue me. That reminds me, I need to continue to watch the series on Netflix. I'm sure they got the final season on Netflix." Sean said.
Lucas then enters the room to join Sean while drinking a bottle of Mountain Dew Code Red.
"Yo, Sean. What are you doing?" Lucas asked.
"I'm doing a little parody of Shameless. I'm shaming the readers for what they don't know what we're about to do." Sean said.
Lucas then turns his attention to the camera. "Cue the intro."
(We see different bumpers featuring What-a-Mess the dog from the ABC Saturday Morning bumper from 1994, Dynamo Duck from a Fox Kids Network bumper from 1992, a Kids WB bumper from 1997, Felix the Cat from a CBS Saturday Morning bumper and an NBC Saturday Morning bumper from 1988)
(TV static transitions to: Burger King Big Kids ad: Fairly Oddparents with Miranda Cosgrove from 2004)
(The commercial opens with some kids sitting in a bus while on their way to soccer practice and we see a guy with fairy wings on his back sitting next to a kid on a bus)
Soccer Girl (Played by Miranda Cosgrove): Who's that?
"Some guy who's on something. Probably smoking some weed." Sean said.
Soccer Boy: He's my fairy godbrother.
Fairy Godbrother: Fairy god-bro!
"Whoa, dude. Like tubular, dude. Gnarly." Lucas said, imitating the Fairy Godbrother.
Soccer Girl: Alright, then. We wish for Burger King.
Fairy Godbrother: Done and donner! (Chuckles)
(The Fairy Godbrother uses his powers on the bus as the next scene transitions to the bus stopping at Burger King. The bus ends up parking on some plants)
Fairy Godbrother: Perfect landing. Ha ha.
"Dude, you made the bus park on some perfectly good flowers that somebody planted. Now, that's gonna cost ya." Sean said.
Announcer: Fuel for wishful thinkers.
Sean: (Narrating) Yes, Burger King was promoting The Fairly Oddparents for their Big Kids Meal menu. And yes, I am aware that the Soccer Girl in the commercial was a young Miranda Cosgrove.
(A picture of Miranda Cosgrove as Carly Shay from iCarly is shown next to the Soccer Girl)
"Hell, the wish that she made was for them to have some Burger King." Lucas said.
Soccer Girl: We wish for Burger King.
"Yeah, it was back when she was on a Dan Schneider show called Drake & Josh. Christ, this is the weirdest crossover that I have ever seen in my life, Fairly Oddparents and iCarly. One show that was created by Butch Hartman and another show is created by the foot freak himself, Dan Schneider." Sean said.
Announcer: Now in every Big Kids Meal, you can get a Fairly Oddparents toy.
(The Fairly Godbrother sticks the Timmy Turner toy in a cup of water and sees the colors appearing on the toy)
Fairy Godbrother: Gnarly.
Lucas: (Narrating) Okay, what is up with the Fairy Godbrother in this commercial? Why does it look like that he is stoned out of his friggin' mind? Also, what the hell is a Fairy Godbrother?
Fairy Godbrother: Fairy god-bro.
Lucas: (Narrating) I've heard of fairy godmothers, but fairy godbrothers, never. God, I can imagine hearing that in the edited for TV version of The Usual Suspects.
(A clip from The Usual Suspects is shown)
Sean: (V/O as Dean Keaton) Hand me the keys, you fairy godbrother. Wait, what? That's what I'm supposed to say? Isn't it supposed to be, "Hand me the keys, you fairy godmother."?
Lucas: (V/O as Detective) Just shut up. Alright, Kevin Spacey. Your turn.
"You know something, I wish that I have a fairy godbrother that would give us some Burger King." Sean said.
Suddenly, the front door opens up as Sean and Lucas turn their attention towards the door to see someone entering the house. It was the fairy godbrother, and in his hand is a bag of Burger King.
"Whoa, did someone wish for some Burger King?" The Fairy Godbrother asked.
"Uh, I did." Sean said.
"Here you go, dudes." The Fairy Godbrother said, handing Sean the bag. "Anything else, broski?"
"Uh, yeah. I wish for a threesome with Taylor and Nicolette Shea." Sean said.
"Uh, not gonna happen, bro." The Fairy Godbrother said before he left the house.
"Way to ruin it, fuking pothead." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) What can I say? It's a fun little commercial that will fuel your fire and wish for a Double Whopper right about now.
Announcer: There are ten in all, only at Burger King.
Sean: (V/O as Announcer) Brought to you by Schneider's Bakery. (The Schneider's Bakery logo appears) If it doesn't have feet in it, then it's not a Dan Schneider production.
(TV static transitions to: Domino's Pizza "Cheers" commercial featuring George Wendt from 2020)
(The commercial opens up with a sign that reads "Domino's" in Cheers font, while at the same time the Cheers theme song plays along in the background. The next scene then transitions to Norm Peterson entering the restaurant in a computer generated form before approaching a Domino's Pizza employee.)
Norm Peterson (played by George Wendt): I want to pick up a pizza.
Domino's Pizza employee: Name, please?
Norm Peterson: Norm.
"Um, Norm, you're in the wrong establishment." Lucas replied, "They only know your name when you're in Cheers."
Sean: (Narrating) I gotta say, this has gotta be one of the most interesting Domino's Pizza commercials I've ever seen in my life, and thankfully, one of them doesn't involve the fucking Noid for once. Nah, it's actually a parody of one of my favorite sitcoms, Cheers, in which a computer generated version of George Wendt himself orders himself a pizza, but he kinda forgets only one thing…
Domino's Pizza employee: Did you check our pie pass?
Narrator: Everyone will know your name when you check in with Domino's Pie Pass.
"Ah, Domino's Pie Pass." Sean said in a laid-back state before raising his eyebrow, "Just what in the hell is that all about?"
"Well, let's see what our dear announcer has to explain." Lucas said, kicking back in the couch.
(Another Domino's Pizza employee turns his back to the screen and sees the words: "Pie Pass: Jim checked in. Right at the same same he turns around and sees a customer named Jim enter the restaurant with his girlfriend.)
Employees: JIM!
Narrator: Use it to bypass the line and get in and out fast.
(The female Domino's pizza cashier then hands Jim a box of pizza.)
Jim: Sounds fast.
(The male Domino's Pizza employee looks back to the screen again, only to see "Zoe checked in" light up on the screen. He then turns around to see a woman enter the restaurant along with her two kids.)
Employees: ZOE!
Domino's Pizza cashier: *as she hands Zoe's pizza* Thanks for using pie pass.
"Oh sure, you give special treatment to everyone who enters Domino's, but not Norm with your fancy looking pie pass!" Sean said, rolling his eyes.
"I swear they would never allow this in Cheers." Lucas shook his head, "But knowing when I look at this, this does look like an interesting concept for those who don't feel like having to wait long for their pizza. In fact, this actually sounds like a good idea."
"Yeah, imagine me going to a Burger King and getting this kind of treatment." Sean smirked out as a cutaway gag started to play.
(Cutaway gag begins.)
(We see Sean entering inside a Burger King, where all the employees notice him right away.)
Burger King employees: SEAN!
Lucas (as a Burger King employee): Hey Sean, what do you know?
Sean: Not enough. Anyway, I'll have a…
Lucas: No need, Sean.
(Lucas then hands him a bag filled with a Whopper and medium fries.)
Sean: Oh, bitchin'! You knew exactly what I wanted!
Lucas: What can I say, everyone knows your name!
Sean: They always do. See ya.
(Sean then leaves Burger King with his dinner right at the same time Brian, who is dressed like Norm Peterson from "Cheers" enters inside the restaurant.)
Brian/Norm Peterson: Afternoon, everybody.
(The Burger King employees all ignore him like he doesn't exist, which starts to annoy Norm.)
Brian/Norm Peterson: I don't get it, I thought it worked with everybody. Screw it, I'm going to the bar.
(Brian/Norm ends up leaving the Burger King pissed off. Cutaway gag ends.)
"Now THAT would be the shit." Sean nodded with satisfaction.
"Indeed, and even Sean wouldn't need a pass at all." Lucas pointed out.
(A man named Nick is seen in his car, pressing a button on his phone that says "I'm here" in the Pie Pass app. He then enters the restaurant.)
Employees: NICK!
(The female Domino's Pizza employee gives Nick the pizza at the counter)
Narrator: Try Pie Pass next time you carry out 3-topping Domino's Pizza for $7.99 each.
Lucas (V/O as narrator): Norm Peterson not included.
(TV static transitions to: Mortal Kombat 3 Home Console commercial from 1995)
(The commercial opens with a group of doctors wearing hazmat suits stepping out of a helicopter with their patient who's lying on a gurney)
"Whoa, this looks serious. I wonder what he's in for." Sean said.
"It better not be Covid." Lucas said.
Government Agent: Okay, people. Clear the way, clear the way! Everybody out!
(The doctors drag the patient through the halls of the hospital, while the man on the gurney is having trouble sleeping while we see flashes of clips from Mortal Kombat 3)
"Oh, no. It's just… MORTAL KOMBAT!" Sean shouts out.
Lucas: (Narrating) Hell, yeah! Now we're talking. We get a commercial for Mortal Kombat 3, which is the home console version. In this commercial, we see this guy getting dragged into the hospital.
Doctor: What is going on here?
(We see something moving in the man's stomach)
Nurse: It's impossible.
(The sleeping man opens his eyes and sees something bulging out of his stomach)
"What the hell is in that guy's stomach, a Xenomorph?" Lucas asked.
(The man grabs the doctor)
Doctor #2: What is this?
(The man's stomach continues to bulge out with something in it
Doctor: Oh, my…
(The man screams before cutting to gameplay footage of Mortal Kombat 3)
"Okay, I'm thinking that the doctor just witnessed Johnny Cage performing his "Heeeeeeere's Johnny" fatality on that poor guy." Sean said.
Lucas: (V/O as Johnny Cage) Heeeeeeeere's Johnny!
(The man screams)
"Yikes, I cannot imagine that. But trust me, it's pretty bloody." Lucas said.
Sean: (Narrating) I just love for the fact that they showed Sub-Zero performing his fatality on one of the fighters. Yeah, just show Sub-Zero freezing somebody and starts breaking them in half.
"Hey, while you're at it, why don't you show Jax getting his arms ripped off by Ermac. I'm sure it won't traumatize some people." Sean said.
(The title for Mortal Kombat 3 is shown, followed by the tagline that reads "Be Careful. It's Home." followed by the consoles that it's on like the Super NES, Game Boy, Game Gear and Sega Genesis)
(TV static transitions to: The Sims Online commercial featuring Chris Klein from 2002)
(The commercial opens up with a house party where the music is blaring inside a house, which switches over to a guy entering inside the dance floor wearing a leisure suit with sunglasses. He then sees a couple of couples makeout on the dance floor at the same time.)
Sean: (Narrating) Ah, looks like we're finally getting a Sims commercial here, are we, huh? Nice. You all remember The Sims right?
"And if you don't remember, then you all deserve to die of the hands of the Grim Reaper." Sean said, looking frustrated to the camera, "I oughta know since there's a grim reaper in the game."
(Clips of The Sims play out in a montage while Sean narrates.)
Sean: (Narrating) The Sims were a series of games that was created by Will Wright, the same guy who also created such awesome simulating games such as Sim City, which appeared on the PC in 1989 and got an awesome Super Nintendo port in 1991. Due to the success he had with those games, Will Wright took it one step further and created The Sims, a simulation game in which you create your family, have them raise your kids, and get them killed by fire if you want to. Seriously, you can become the sickest bastard you can in this game. It's soooooo damn fun.
Lucas: (Narrating) In this commercial promoting The Sims Online, we see a guy trying to become the life of the party by trying to get himself laid. Will he be successful? Let's see how it ends for him.
(The gameplay switches back to the commercial where the hipster approaches a blonde-haired chick with a bobcut and a white dress, who is dancing to the music. The hipster then growls like a cat before tapping her in the shoulder, forcing her to turn right around and see him trying to kiss at her. The chick then responds with two backhand slaps, which knocks him silly.)
"DAAAAAAMN!" Lucas smirked out with a smile.
"Talk about fucked up!" Sean nodded as well, "He got bitch smacked to kingdom come. In fact, that would have made an awesome Final Smash. Let's see it one more time."
(The clip of the woman smacking the hipster in the face is shown yet again, but this time, the second hit is stopped due to a big spark of energy appearing on the background, followed by the man being dazed in slow motion.)
Super Smash Bros Ultimate announcer (voiced by Xander Mobus): GAME!
"I actually came up with that, you know." Lucas said, winking to the camera.
(The guys at the party then start laughing at the hipster who then enters inside a door and steps in the middle of nowhere. Then, all of a sudden, the hipster then spins around and tops, transforming into Chris Klein.)
Hipster (played by Chris Klein): Whoa… now that's a first.
"Oh, my goodness, not also did that chick slap him silly, but it slapped him into Oz from American Pie!" Sean smirked out.
"Yeah, she slapped him beautiful." Lucas nodded.
"Can you honestly imagine how this commercial would have turned out if Chris Klein was voicing the sim himself?" Sean raised his eyebrow. "I can see it now."
(The clip of the male sim tapping the female sim in the shoulder plays again.)
Female sim (V/O by Taylor): Yes?
Male sim (V/O by Chris Ostricher from American Pie): Suck me, beautiful.
Female sim (V/O by Taylor): Fuck you!
(The female sim slaps the male sim in the face again.)
"Trust me, that would be more entertaining to watch than that Rollerball remake Chris starred in." Lucas replied to the camera, "God help us if we have to review that in the future."
"Yeah, give us American Pie and the 1975 version of Rollerball anyday and we're good to go." Sean nodded.
Hipster: The Sims Online.
Announcer: Rated T for Teen.
Hipster: Brace yourself.
(A man pops out of the door waving right behind the hipster.)
Hipster: The Sims are real.
EA Games. Challenge everything.
(A clip of American Pie is shown featuring Stifler.)
Steve Stifler (played by Seann William Scott): I think you need your balls reattached.
(TV static transitions to: Life Call commercial from 1987)
(The commercial opens with an old lady sleeping in bed, then waking up and pushing on a button on a little device)
Old Lady: Recently, when I became deathly ill…
"Oh, man. Talk about a classic ad. If you don't know about this ad, but don't worry, you will shortly.
Lucas: (Narrating) For those of you that have been living under Patrick Star's rock, this little device is called LifeCall and it's very simple. If something happens to you like if you're having a heart attack or if you have a bad fall, you just simply press the button on your device and it notifies the proper people to help you out.
"Yeah, it might sound like something special. But what makes this commercial so memorable is this little line." Lucas said.
(The old lady is shown lying on the bathroom floor while calling on the phone)
Old Lady: I've fallen, and I can't get up!
Sean: (Narrating) There you go, folks. The most famous phrase from the commercial. That's where it came from. Hell, when you watch a show on television, they tend to mock this.
(Cut to a clip from Family Matters)
Steve Urkel (Played by Jaleel White): (While hanging from a ledge) I've fallen, and I can't get up!
(A clip from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air is shown)
Will (Played by Will Smith): I have fallen, and I can't get up.
(A clip from The Golden Girls is shown)
Blanche Devereaux (Played by Rue McClanahan): I've fallen, and I can't get up! Help me!
(A clip from Wings is shown)
Joe Montgomery Hackett (Played by Tim Daly): Oh, look. An old lady falls down and can't get up in Tokyo too.
(A clip from Roseanne is shown)
Roseanne Conner (Played by Roseanne): Oh, I can't get up and I don't have one of those things! I shouldn't have laughed at that old lady on TV!
(A clip from Animaniacs is shown)
Dot Warner (Voiced by Tress MacNeille): I've fallen, and I can't get up.
Sean: (Narrating) I'm not sure. But yeah, I tend to make fun of it too and how it was delivered, I ended up cracking up. Maybe it's just the awkward silence and that weird pause that the lady makes. Hell, you have some less patient people reacting to her.
"Hello, yes, this is LifeCall. What seems to be your emergency?" Sean asked.
Old Lady: (On the phone) I've fallen, and I can't…
Sean ends the call on his phone.
Old Lady: (Narrating) I was able to summon an ambulance, my next door neighbor, my family and my doctor.
Lucas: (V/O as Old Lady) I was able to summon my grandchildren, Leni Loud, Batman, President Joe Biden and even Sam Puckett, but she ended up beating me with her butter sock.
"You know, I just have a thought. What if the person's life is in danger, and there's an operator ready to handle it, how will they handle an emergency like this.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We open with Sean, playing an old man, as we see him lying on the kitchen floor as he talks to Oliver on the phone)
Sean: (as Old Man) Help! I'm having a heart attack. Send someone to help me out.
Oliver: (as Operator) Sir, have you fallen and you can't get up?
Sean: What? No! I was busy watching the iCarly reboot and I started having some chest pains…
Oliver: Sir, are you mangled or beaten or bloody?
Sean: No, I just said that I'm having a heart attack and I would like for you to send someone over to help me out!
(Lucas, playing the burglar, enters Sean's house)
Sean: Oh, great! Look, this is a serious emergency here! I'm having a heart attack and a burglar has entered my home and he's taking my PS5.
(Lucas is seen carrying Sean's PS5 before leaving his house)
Sean: He stole my PS5! The bastard stole my PS5!
Oliver: Sir, no need for that tone. Now, just tell me what's going on.
Sean: Like I just said, I'm having a heart…
(Oliver hangs up the phone)
Sean: Hello? Hello? I'm going to die.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) It's a memorable little commercial that makes us all love it even more.
Old Lady: I've fallen, and I can't get up!
(TV static transitions to: Superstar Barbie commercial featuring Jennifer Love Hewitt from 1989)
(The commercial opens with two preteen girls who are in the front of a phone.)
Lucas (Narrating): Well, what do you know? From one teenage star to another, we have a young 10-year old Jennifer Love Hewitt in one of her first roles, and wouldn't you know it? It's a Barbie commercial. Not just any commercial. But it's a Superstar Barbie commercial. That's so 80's.
"And just to let you know, this was way before she truly got her start in shows like Kids Incorporated, Party of Five, and lots of horror movies that still are asking her what she did last summer." Sean replied, "To this day, we still don't even know."
Girl in Red Dress (played by Jennifer Love Hewitt): Cool clothes… and Superstar Barbie!
Chorus: *singing* Superstar Barbie, stars shine on your gown.
(Camera does a closeup of the stars in her dress)
Girl in Red Dress: Stars everywhere!
"Yeah, just don't say that anywhere near Nemesis or else he's gonna start killing some stars of his very own." Lucas shook his head before a picture of Nemesis from Resident Evil 3 pops up, shouting out "STAAAAAAARS…"
Chorus: *singing* Superstar Barbie, changing to your mini.
(The girl in the blue sweatshirt strips the long skirt off of Superstar Barbie, revealing a mini-dress.)
Chorus: The hottest look in town.
"Yeah, if you want look like a streetwalker looking to be picked up by a horny guy on Hollywood Boulevard." Sean smirked. "Barbie must really wanna put out that badly, huh?"
Lucas smirked as well before saying, "Now we knew why Ken wanted a piece of her for so long. He must love his sluts."
Chorus: *singing* Superstar Barbie, movie star!
Girls: *to the camera* Where is your Barbie?
"Why in the hell are you asking me that?" Sean shrugged out, "The only thing I ever had as a kid was Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Star Wars and G.I. Joe. I didn't have no Barbie growing up since they were for girls!"
"If Mattel wants to really make a Barbie for boys right here, here's what they should do." Lucas smirked as a cutaway gag began to play.
(Cutaway gag plays)
(We see Sean and Lucas dressed up as girls. Lucas is dressed in a long black wig with a red sundress and red lipstick while Sean is dressed in a blonde wig with a blue sundress and the same lipstick Lucas had on.)
Sean: *to the camera* Cool clothes… and Adult Star Barbie!
(A Barbie is then shown having a big chest with a white tanktop that reads "Honk Honk" and decked out with a pair of tight hot pants with her thong showing.)
Chorus: *singing* Adult Star Barbie, stars shine on your t**s…
Sean: T**s everywhere!
Chorus: Adult Star Barbie, taking off your shirt…
(Lucas then rips the tanktop off, revealing to be a censored bar all around her chest as a way to censor her bare self.)
Chorus: The hottest look that fits!
(The Barbie with the censored bar over her big chest then stands in front of a mirror.)
Chorus: Adult Star Barbie, bewbie star!
Sean & Lucas: *to the camera* Where is YOUR Adult Star Barbie?
(Cutaway gag ends.)
Both Sean and Lucas were then shown with satisfied looks on their faces, all while rubbing their hands very greedily.
"Trust me, boys would love to play that kind of Barbie. Someone should've thought of that a long time ago." Sean pointed out.
"Mattel actually did," Lucas nodded to Sean, "Why did you think Mattel had the girls from Monster High and Ever After High dress like sluts to begin with? Obviously Mattel knows their fanservice."
Announcer: Superstar Barbie doll with starry change-around dress, Ken doll and Ferrari each sold separately to put car together. From Mattel.
Sean formed out a relaxed sigh before replying, "Well, now that we finally got a Barbie doll commercial out of the way, let's see what's next."
(A clip of the movie I Know What You Did Last Summer plays out.)
Julie James (played by Jennifer Love Hewitt): What are you waiting for, huh? What are you waiting for?
"Okay okay, I'm getting there!" Sean said, backing away from the couch. "Jeez, what crawled up your sweet ass?" He replied, changing the channel with his remote.
(TV static transitions to: Pioneer Chicken commercial featuring OJ Simpson from 1984)
(The commercial opens O.J. Simpson eating at a Pioneer Chicken restaurant)
Announcer: Hey, O.J., you sure enjoy that golden Pioneer Chicken.
"Oh, sweet Jesus." Sean said.
O.J. Simpson: Oh, yeah, I love it.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, when I think of Pioneer Chicken, I think of O.J. "the Juice" Simpson eating chicken. Hey, everybody! Let's all go to Pioneer Chicken, we can all get a free O.J.! Yeah, they won't be coming into that place anymore.
Lucas: (Narrating) For everyone who doesn't know who O.J. Simpson and for those of you who probably know who he is, he was a professional football player back in the '70s. He was also an actor too, for which we know him pretty well in the Naked Gun Trilogy.
"Hell, he is best known for being tried for the murders of his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ron Goldman." Lucas said.
"And if you don't know about the famous trial, then stop what you're doing and read about it or go watch The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) I've never heard of Pioneer Chicken before and I couldn't believe that O.J. Simpson was the spokesperson for it. My God, did these commercials aged great.
O.J. Simpson: Ah, summertime! Great for relaxing with friends and enjoying Pioneer's Summer Fun Special.
Lucas: (Narrating) Okay, so we know that the Nostalgia Critic made a joke about these commercials on his Planet of the Commercials video, but you know what, let's take a stab at these jokes.
Announcer: Hey, O.J.. Why are you so happy?
"I'm just happy that I'm eligible for parole." Sean said, imitating O.J. Simpson.
O.J. Simpson: (V/O) To get eight large pieces of golden Pioneer Chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy and coleslaw for just $6.99.
"Chicken so good, make you wanna murder your ex-wife." Lucas said, imitating O.J. as well.
O.J. Simpson: And Pioneer's even got free coupons for Universal Studios tour.
"Take a stab at these deals." Sean said, imitating O.J. once more.
O.J. Simpson: (V/O) Golden Pioneer Chicken has a crispy, crunchy taste.
"If the bite doesn't fit, you gotta acquit." Lucas said.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, can you believe that this is the same guy that was considered for the role as the Terminator?
"Oh, Christ. I just had a thought. O.J. Simpson as the Terminator. Yeah, the movie would suck balls." Sean said.
O.J. Simpson: Oh, yeah, I love it.
(We see another O.J. sitting next to the real O.J.)
Second O.J.: As much as I love Pioneer's new country spicy chicken.
"What the shitballs?!" Lucas exclaimed.
O.J. Simpson: Why, they're almost as good as my mama's.
Second O.J.: Your mama?
"Wait a minute. This all makes perfect sense now! There's a second O.J. We got new evidence, man! Evidence! Open the case back up! Maybe the second O.J. is the real killer." Sean said.
O.J. Simpson: (to the second O.J.) Mama never told me about you.
Lucas: (Narrating) I can tell you this, it's good to see O.J. taking a "stab" at all that chicken.
Announcer: But why so many, O.J.?
O.J. Simpson: Some of my friends have appetites like Bears… like Lions… like Cowboys!
"Oh, yeah. The reason why O.J. bought all of that chicken was for his lawyers. They were having a craving for some Pioneer Chicken." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) I've never had Pioneer Chicken before but I can tell you guys this. It's chicken so good, it's to die for.
Singers: The taste America loves best… Pioneer!
(TV static transitions to: Fuel In A Bottle commercial featuring "Nature Boy" Ric Flair from 2012)
(The commercial opens up at a convenience store where a man dressed in an orange polo shirt walks up to the counter looking very tired and exhausted.)
Male customer: Let me get one of those energy shots.
(The female cashier nods right away before a ball of electricity appears next to the male customer. He then turns around to see 16-time World Heavyweight Champion "Nature Boy" Ric Flair pop up from the ball of electricity.)
"Nature Boy" Ric Flair: WOOOOOOO!
"Whoa, where did you come from?" Sean said as he and Lucas backed away a bit in surprise.
Lucas: (Narrating) Okay, who literally did not see this coming? Me and Sean sure didn't as this appears to be a commercial promoting a Fuel In A Bottle energy drink. And you can bet your wrestling-loving ass that you can expect 16-time world champ "Nature Boy" Ric Flair to show up out of nowhere.
Nature Boy Ric Flair: You're about to get robbed!
(Ric hands the male customer the Fuel In A Bottle energy drink.)
Nature Boy Ric Flair: Hey, listen, get a Fuel In A Bottle energy shot. Types of B vitamins. It'll rock your world!
(The male customers drinks the Fuel In A Bottle Energy Shot up his throat, which now makes him more energized.)
Male customer: *to the camera* WOOOOOOOO!
"Nature Boy" Ric Flair: WOOOOOOOO!
"WOOOOOOOOO!" Both Sean and Lucas shouted to the camera.
(A clip of the cartoon Regular Show plays featuring Muscle Man.)
Muscle Man: WOOOOOOOOO!
(A clip of the show How I Met Your Mother plays.)
Woo Girls: WOOOOOOOOOO!
(A clip of the movie The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie plays.)
SpongeBob SquarePants (voiced by Tom Kenny): WOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(A clip of the show WWE Monday Night RAW plays featuring Charlotte Flair.)
Charlotte Flair: WOOOOOOOOOO!
"Oh great, now Ric Flair got everybody doing it." Sean said, rolling his eyes.
"Yeah, if you keep doing it repeatedly, it even sounds like an ambulance siren." Lucas smirked.
Lucas: (Narrator) In this next scene, here's a couple of office workers looking bored as hell during an office meeting. I wonder if those two lost any sleep having to look at that picture of Ric Flair eating out some woman at a train.
"Geez, I really can't imagine that now!" Sean said, rubbing his temples at that uncomfortable image burned out in his brain.
(The scene switches over to another scene where two office workers, which is a man and a woman, are bored during an office meeting. They then turn to the corner of the room where "Nature Boy" Ric Flair pops up again through the ball of electricity.)
"Nature Boy" Ric Flair: Fuel In A Bottle energy shot will get you through the day. Zero calories and packed with energy. All gold and no crash.
(Both the male and female worker drink their energy shots up their throats.)
Female office worker: WOOOOOOO!
"Is everybody gonna keep saying that every time they take every first sip out of their drink?" Sean shrugged out. "I mean, come on, that crap doesn't happen to me."
"Same here," Lucas nodded before asking Sean, "By the way, some Blue Raspberry Sunkist, Sean?"
"Sure, bring it in." Sean nodded, grabbing the can of Blue Raspberry Sunkist off of Lucas's hands.
The two opened up their sodas and proceeded to take in a big sip down their throats.
"WOOOOOOOOOO!" Both Sean and Lucas shouted.
But then, both men stopped just to realize what Sean said was actually shocking and true.
"Oh my god, Nature Boy was right." Sean gulped, "That does happen to those who take that first sip."
"I don't know if I should be disturbed or amazed." Lucas gulped as well, not even knowing what to make of this.
Sean: (Narrating) Fuel In A Bottle. The only beverage that makes you go "Woooooooo".
"Nature Boy" Ric Flair: Fuel In A Bottle Power Shot! It's puts the "Wooooooooo" in my "Wooooooooo"!
(Ric Flair disappears into a mist of smoke.)
"Wait, put the "Wooooooooo" in your what?" Sean shook his head confusingly, "Okay, I don't need to bother asking, I'm all 'Wooooooooo'd out anyway. Next commercial!"
(TV static transitions to: Birds Eye Steamfresh commercial featuring Jennette McCurdy from 2013)
(The commercial opens with actress Jennette McCurdy in the kitchen)
Jennette McCurdy: Check out my windmill! Ohhhh! Boom!
(Dunks a piece of corn into a little basketball hoop as it goes into a bowl filled with corn)
"Well, that's one way to play with your food." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back in 2013, Nickelodeon and Birds Eye Vegetables teamed up with a series of campaigns for children to eat their vegetables. And what better way than to get kids to eat their veggies is to have a certain star from a Nick show to appear on their ads.
"And can you take a guess who that could be?" Sean asked.
(A picture of Jamie Lynn Spears from Zoey 101 is shown)
"Nope." Sean said.
(A picture of Amanda Bynes from The Amanda Show is shown)
"Definitely not." Lucas said.
(A picture of Drake Bell is shown)
"OH, HELL NO!" Sean yelled out.
"Okay, for the person who guessed Drake Bell, we should kick your ass for that one." Lucas said as he grabs a baseball bat.
Lucas: (Narrating) No, they got Jennette McCurdy from iCarly and Sam & Cat to appear in the ads and they're pretty creative and it looks like she's having a lot of fun doing them.
Jennette McCurdy: Nickelodeon and Birds Eye present, (Speaks in an old lady voice) "Don't Play With Your Food!".
Sean: (Narrating) I'm guessing that some of those commercials were shown to promote Nickelodeon's Worldwide Day of Play. And you could see that McCurdy is showing a better example for children by letting them play with their veggies.
Jennette McCurdy: It's the two-handed power jam! (Dunks the piece of corn through the mini basketball hoop) Oh! Oh!
Lucas: (Narrating) And not only that, she encourages kids to eat their veggies by also getting creative in the kitchen with some crazy creations.
Jennette McCurdy: That's how I made this super cool veggie sundae. Mmmm!
(Jennette is holding a sundae bowl with cauliflower, broccoli and mashed carrots topped with cherries)
"What you talkin' 'bout, McCurdy?" Sean asked.
"Yeah, you can't make a veggie sundae with veggies. In fact, give me a hot fudge sundae anyday. A hot fudge sundae that I could eat off of Racheal Cavalli's fine ass." Lucas said as he smirks at the camera.
(A bowl of broccoli is shown)
Jennette McCurdy: This might look like a regular bowl of broccoli…
"That's because it is a regular bowl of broccoli." Sean said.
Jennette McCurdy: ...but with the right attitude it turns into...
(Jennette snaps her fingers as the bowl of broccoli turns into a pizza with broccoli on top)
Jennette McCurdy: ...a sweet, green monster pizza.
"Where the hell's the pepperoni? Domino's Pizza wouldn't serve that shit." Lucas said.
Jennette McCurdy: And some average, everyday corn can become… (Snaps her fingers as the bowl of corn turns into a hot dog bun filled with corn) a real corn dog.
"Goddamn it, Jennette. I've asked for a hot dog with a Ball Park frank in the bun. Not friggin' corn topped with ketchup." Sean said.
(Cut to another commercial where Jennette is playing basketball in the kitchen)
Sean: (Narrating) And check this one out, she's literally having some fun playing with her veggies.
Jennette McCurdy: I, Jennette McCurdy, will leap over a car to perform my reverse slamma jamma… jamma… (echoing) jamma.
"Andre Drummond taught her that move in the bedroom last night." Sean said.
(Jennette jumps over a toy car, twirls around and dunks the piece of corn through the mini basketball hoop)
Jennette McCurdy: WOOOOOOOOOO!
"Hey, hey, hey! No need to turn into Ric Flair here. We already have enough of him going "WOOOOOOOOO!" in that last commercial. We do not need to hear it coming from you." Lucas said.
Lucas: (Narrating) Yeah, what a way to teach your children to eat your veggies. It's bad enough that I get to hear it from my parents when I was a kid and now I get to hear it from you. What's gonna happen if they don't eat their veggies, are you gonna beat them with a butter sock?
"Oh, man. That won't be a pretty sight. We've seen what she's done to people with the butter sock." Sean said.
(A montage of clips of Sam Puckett from iCarly beating up people with her butter sock is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) These commercials are pretty creative just to get kids to get creative and have some fun with their veggies.
Jennette McCurdy: So help us show America how easy it is to love our veggies. All it takes is looking at them… (snaps her fingers and she is now wearing a pair of glasses and a fake mustache on her face) the right way.
(A clip from iCarly is shown)
Sam Puckett (Played by Jennette McCurdy): (Holds her tooth) You see what happens when you eat your vegetables?
(TV static transitions to: Garfield Ravioli commercial from 1994)
(The commercial opens as Jon Arbuckle is climbing up a ladder trying to hang up a banner that reads "Congratulations Garfield on the top while Odie is watching.)
Jon Arbuckle (voiced by Thom Huge): To celebrate Garfield having his own ravioli, Garfield Round Ravioli, we're throwing him a surprise party with a year's supply.
"That depends, Jon. Is it lasagna flavored?" Sean said to the camera, "If there's not one hint of that lasagna scent, Garfield's skipping that shit."
Lucas: (Narrating) Yep, we all remember this trend so much. The idea of having your own favorite cartoon characters getting their own pasta for kids to enjoy. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles had their own pasta, Sonic The Hedgehog had his own pasta, Rugrats had his own pasta, and as we're seeing in this commercial from 1994, Garfield is getting his own pasta now.
(The footage of the Garfield Round Ravioli is shown.)
Jon Arbuckle: So, after I show you these plump meaty ravioli…
(Odie then realizes he's levitating only to find out he's being tied up to balloons.)
Jon Arbuckle: …we'll pull back the curtain and yell "Sur–"
(The curtain opens to reveal Garfield is standing next to a beeping microwave and thousands of Garfield Round Ravioli pasta cans.)
"Oh fuck, he found out." Lucas said with a big gulp.
"So much for a surprise party," Sean replied, "Imagine if that happened to me."
(Cutaway gag begins.)
(We cut to a cutaway gag where both Lucas, Brian, Oliver and Taylor are hiding behind a couch in the dark.)
Lucas: *to everyone* Okay, when Sean comes from the door, we're gonna pop out of this couch and yell out "Surprise"!
Brian: *nodding to Lucas* I hope so. The last time he got surprised, he passed out after seeing that woman come out of the cake in her birthday suit.
Oliver: *to Brian* Relax, guys. This time, we've got a fine black stripper hiding in the big cake to surprise him.
Taylor: I hope it's well worth it for what we went through.
(The four then continued to hide behind the couch, only for Sean to appear behind them with cake on his face.)
Sean: *to the four with his mouth full* Hey, who hired the stripper hiding in the cake?
(Cutaway gag ends.)
"I bet you were satisfied about that present." Lucas smirked over to Sean.
"Yeah, I was," Sean nodded before adding, "For a few minutes before I realized she was a dude."
(Garfield gets his plate full of ravioli out of the microwave.)
Jon Arbuckle: Garfield! This was supposed to be a surprise.
Garfield (voiced by Lorenzo Music): Tell you what, fill this place back up and I'll come back and act surprised.
"Well, there's no use now since you already knew what you were getting." Lucas shrugged out. "Did you like sneak from the curtain while Jon and Odie weren't looking? Or perhaps maybe that little lasagna scent drew you right in."
"Yeah, Garfield legit has a hard-on for anything lasagna-related." Sean replied, "Want me to prove it to you?"
(Cutaway gag begins.)
(The cutaway gag opens up to see Sean, dressed as Garfield, sleeping on his cat bed before feeling the scent of lasagna sniff through his nose.)
Sean/Garfield: Is that lasagna I smell?
Sean/Garfield gets out of bed and hurries over to the kitchen where Lucas, who is dressed up as Jon Arbuckle, is placing a fresh dish of lasagna on the table.
Lucas/Jon Arbuckle: Ah, Garfield, you're just in time. Lasagna's ready.
Sean/Garfield: *looks down at the Lasagna* Looks delicious.
(Then all of a sudden, Lucas/Jon overhears a "twang" sound occur next to him, which forces him to look at Sean/Garfield from the waist down and looks up to him with a raised eyebrow.)
Lucas/Jon Arbuckle: Really, Garfield?
Sean/Garfield: Hey, I can't help it if I'm excited.
(Cutaway gag ends.)
Sean (Narrating): Garfield Round Ravioli, the best kind of food never to be served on Mondays.
Narrator: Garfield Round Ravioli, the only round ravioli and meat sauce that's Garfield-approved.
(Garfield then grabs the plate of ravioli again and chugs it into his mouth while Odie flies past him with balloons still attached to him.)
Garfield: Isn't my ravioli fun?
(TV static transitions to: Unicef Smurfs PSA from 2005)
(We cut to the intro of the Smurfs and the Smurfs theme plays)
"Ah, the Smurfs. This commercial seems harmless enough." Sean said.
"Yeah. Let's hope that Raja Gosnell is not involved in this commercial." Lucas said.
(One of the Smurfs pop up from behind a mushroom while another is seen running before we cut to Smurf Village and Papa Smurf conducting an orchestra with the band)
"Aww, look at that. Smurf band. How cute." Sean said.
(The Smurfs are all joined together around the bonfire while singing)
"Oh, yeah. Definitely harmless…" Lucas said.
(The scene then cuts to a shot of bombs raining down from the sky)
"...what the hell is that?" Lucas asked.
(The bombs rain down onto their forest village, killing the Smurfs and setting their houses ablaze)
"HOLY FUCK!" Sean yelled out.
"SWEET TITYFUCKING CHRIST!" Lucas yelled out as well.
(One of the bombs kill one of the Smurf. We cut to the next scene where we see the burning village, along with the bombs killing Smurfette and leaving Baby Smurf orphaned and crying at the edge of a crater)
After the PSA ends, we cut back to Sean and Lucas, who are both looking at the camera with a shocked look on their faces as they couldn't believe what they have just witnessed. Sean is so stunned by what he just saw that he can only muster a very tiny whimper
(The PSA finishes off with the sound of Baby Smurf crying while text that reads "Don't let war destroy the universe of children." is shown before showing the UNICEF logo)
"What… the… FUCK?!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Did we just witness the death of Smurfs or is this Michael Bay's explosion-filled version of The Smurfs?!
"What is this PSA even for?!" Sean stammers.
(The Unicef logo is shown)
Lucas: (Narrating) Ah, Unicef.
"Okay, let me look up who's responsible for this abomination." Lucas said as he brings out his phone and looks up the Unicef Smurfs PSA. He sees who's responsible for airing the PSA and suddenly he gets angry. "Belgium?! FUCKING BELGIUM!"
"UNBELIEVABLE! When Belgium is showing an innocent cartoon of Smurfs, they're showing their village getting carpet bombed! We're keeping Jean-Claude Van Damme, you bastards can keep Smurf murder, you guys are sick!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Look, I know that this PSA shows that war can happen in the most innocent of places but this has gone too far. Because of the PSA's graphic and disturbing scenes, they show it after 9pm to avoid upsetting the young children.
"WELL, NO SHIT! What the hell would you tell your kid watching that?!" Sean asked.
(Freeze-frame on Baby Smurf)
Lucas: (Narrating) "Aubrey, you see this? That's what gonna happen to mommy and daddy and our home before they're bombed to death and you're all left alone crying!"
(Footage of the Smurf's forest village being bombed is shown again)
Sean: (Narrating) Christ! How in the royal fuck would anyone go back to watching their show after seeing this. You could be watching some movie on NBC with your kid and they end up showing it.
(The scene of the Smurf's village getting bombed and Baby Smurf crying is shown again, before cutting to a post-commercial bumper for the NBC Sunday Night Movie)
Announcer: Back to the Future 3 continues starring Michael J. Fox, Christopher Lloyd and Lea Thompson.
(Back to the commercial before the bombing)
Lucas: (Narrating) There is no way that you could come back from that! That shit is too extreme for television. It's too disturbing! It's too intense!
(The scene of the bombs dropping on the village and killing the Smurfs is shown one more time)
"STOP SHOWING US THIS, YOU MONSTERS!" Lucas yelled out.
(The message, "Don't let war destroy the universe of children." is shown one more time)
"You know what, I'm done talking about this PSA. Can we move onto something that doesn't involve the death of Smurfs?" Sean asked.
(TV static transitions to: WWE Royal Rumble 2014 promo from 2014)
(The commercial opens up at a speed dating event where various couples are sitting down and greeting each other. The scene then switches upclose to a beautiful voluptuous blonde dressed in a zebra top covered in a pinkish-red coat.)
"Hello, what do we have here?" Sean said with such interest.
"Ah, I wonder if this is one of those speed dating thingies where you meet hot sexy blondes like her?" Lucas raised his eyebrow with a smirk. "If that's the case, then count me the fuck in. I wonder who's the lucky guy?"
(CM Punk appears on the table kicking his feet back on the table while the hot blonde watches him confusingly.)
CM Punk: I'm the best in the world.
"Except in the UFC that is." Sean smirked.
(The buzzer rings. The scene then switches over to R-Truth.)
R-Truth: What's up?
(The buzzer rings again. The scene then switches over to Randy Orton who flexes his arms only to have the buzzer ring on him.)
"Yeah, nobody likes the silent treatment, Randy." Lucas shook his head.
(Goldust then appears on the table, shouting out "RAWHCK!" from his breath, which leaves the hot blonde bothered.)
"What the hell was that all about?" Sean shrugged his shoulders.
(The buzzer rings again, switching over to Dolph Ziggler afterwards.)
Dolph Ziggler: In love yet?
(The buzzer rings once again. The scene switches over to Kane, who smiles over to the blonde only to have the buzzer ring on him. The scene then switches once again, this time to Cody Rhodes.)
Cody Rhodes: I used to have a moustache.
"But now I left WWE to start All Elite Wrestling, which is short for AEW," Lucas said, imitating Cody Rhodes. "Did I forget to mention I had a moustache?"
Sean: (Narrating) Ok, you're all kinda wondering how these WWE and AEW superstars are in this peculiar speed dating thing again. Hmmm, could this be some sort of dating commercial where you get the chance to date a professional wrestler.
"Yeah, you may think that at first, but you're wrong." Sean replied, "In fact, if this is not a dating commercial, then what is this speed dating thing all about a commercial for? What are these odd weird pot-smokers promoting anyway?"
(The commercial comes back on to show multiple wrestling footage mostly from WWE's Royal Rumble event.)
Narrator: There's only one other place to see this many superstars at once, Royal Rumble.
"Ah, the Royal Rumble." Lucas smirked to the camera, "The event where professional wrestlers go on speed dates in hopes that they'll find the soul mate of their dreams. Coming next summer to Bravo."
(More footage from the Royal Rumble plays.)
Lucas: (Narrating) Nah, I'm just messing around. The Royal Rumble happens to be one of WWE's main four major pay-per-views that they hold every year next to SummerSlam, Survivor Series and their biggest show, WrestleMania. It all began in the year I was born, 1988, and they have kept it going ever since. The main objective of that match is that all 30 superstars battle it out in a big battle royal gauntlet in which the winner of the match earns a title shot against the WWE Champion of their choosing at WrestleMania. It's an event I look forward to every single day even though I'm now an AEW guy nowadays.
"Plus, it's even more fun when you have a Royal Rumble of your very own using your own wrestling figures that you bought." Sean nodded, "In fact, me and Lucas tried one on our very own not too long ago and see how that turned out."
(Cutaway gag begins.)
(The cutaway gag opens up with Sean and Lucas standing next to a toy wrestling ring filled with all wrestling action figures. The figures that were in the ring included Hulk Hogan, "Macho Man" Randy Savage, Jake "The Snake" Roberts, Ultimate Warrior, "Rowdy" Roddy Piper, Dusty Rhodes, "Nature Boy" Ric Flair, Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat, Bret "Hitman" Hart, The Undertaker, Shawn Michaels, Triple H, Ravishing Rick Rude, Mr. Perfect, The Iron Sheik, Andre The Giant, The Rock, "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, Edge, Yokozuna, British Bulldog, "Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase, Hawk, Animal, Honky Tonk Man, Big Boss Man, Lex Luger, John Cena, Randy Orton and Batista.)
Sean: Okay, Lucas, you know the rules, last one standing here in this match goes to WrestleMania and fights the champion.
Lucas: I'm so excited for this. Okay, on three?
Sean & Lucas: *altogether* THREE!
(Then all of a sudden, Sean and Lucas both grab the toy ring and shake it back and forth, The toy wrestlers then fly out of the ring one at a time until nobody is left in the ring, leaving Sean and Lucas puzzled.)
Lucas: Huh, nobody won.
Sean: That's right. Which means…
(Sean then pauses to hold up a Roman Reigns action figure for the camera to see.)
Sean: Roman Reigns wins yet again! Acknowledge him!
(Sean and Lucas then dances along to Roman Reigns's theme song, which is named "Head of the Table". Cutaway gag ends.)
"Yeah, that could actually happen in an actual Royal Rumble, folks." Sean pointed out, "Trust me, I'm gonna be right one of these days."
Lucas: (Narrating) The Royal Rumble. Totally not a Blind Date ripoff.
Cody Rhodes: It was a nice one.
(He then smiles before the buzzer rings.)
(TV static transitions to: Hertz Rental Car commercial featuring OJ Simpson from 1980)
(The commercial opens with O.J. Simpson running through the airport terminal)
O.J. Simpson: I used to run through airports, now I fly through them!
(O.J. starts flying through the airport terminal)
"Oh, for the love of… another commercial featuring O.J.?! I wonder what he's pandering to us this time." Sean said.
"Maybe he's selling some gloves and knives for people who are about to commit a murder." Lucas said.
(A montage of clips featuring O.J. Simpson in various Hertz commercials from the '70s, '80s and '90s are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Before he was the spokesperson for Pioneer Chicken, O.J Simpson was the spokesperson for a series of commercials for the Hertz rental car company, which depicted him running through airports embodying speed.
O.J. Simpson: Nobody does it better than Hertz.
(O.J. is seen running through the airport)
Singer: Nobody does it better….
"Oh, boy. O.J. Simpson running through the airport like he just murdered someone. Okay, everybody. Send in your O.J. Simpson jokes. I know that Lucas and I can come up with a few more." Sean said.
Lucas: (Narrating) He's running through the airport while others watch and shout this classic line….
Children: Go, O.J., Go!
"That's exactly how I felt when I watched the episode of Wings where Joe and Helen were making out in the car. I was shouting, "Go, Joe, go!". You know, now that I think about it, I need to write a smutfic involving Joe Hackett and Helen Chapel right now." Sean said.
"Now, that's a hot smutfic that I would love to read." Lucas said
Singers: Getting you in, getting you out with super speed.
(Cut to the Hertz ad where O.J. is flying around the airport)
Sean: (Narrating) Check out this commercial, you have O.J. Simpson flying around the airport terminal to get to his rental car instead of running.
O.J. Simpson: I used to run through airports…
"Now I just run from scenes of my crimes." Sean said, imitating O.J. Simpson. "Sorry, I couldn't resist."
Lucas: (Narrating) I don't know what's so silly about the commercial. Maybe it's O.J. flying around the airport while the not-Superman theme plays in the background. Hell, why not drive away from the cops when you can just fly?
O.J. Simpson: With new Hertz number one express service, I fly nonstop from my plane to my car. Without stopping at the counter.
"So, that explains how he got to the airport for his flight to Chicago so quickly." Lucas said.
O.J. Simpson: If you ask for number one express when you make your reservation, your Ford or other fine car and contract will be waiting at the number one express booth.
"Just make sure that it's not a white Ford Bronco." Sean said.
"Okay, I think we have enough O.J. for one day. Let's move on to the next commercial." Lucas said.
(TV static transitions to: Chevron's "Always Part of the Plan" commercial from 2021)
(The commercial opens at a gas station where a claymated blue car is talking to the camera while his gas is getting filled by a customer.)
Blue Car (voiced by Joe Brogie): Hi, on my crew, always on the go. And they work hard, but play harder.
We then cut back to both Sean and Lucas, who are claymated and transformed into talking Chevron cars. Sean's car has glasses and painted orange while Lucas's car is painted blue.
"Well, what you do know? We've got a Chevron commercial this time!" Sean exclaimed.
Lucas then looked over to his left and smirked, "Dude, you're a Chevron car!"
"Whoa, I am?" Sean said before looking down on his car form. He then let out a pumped-up smirk before shouting, "OH, BITCHIN! I SO ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A CLAYMATED CAR! EAT THAT LIGHTNING MCQUEEN!"
(Clips of various Chevron commercials begin playing out in a montage.)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, we all remember these awesome Chevron commercials airing in the mid 90's. Every single one of these involved claymating talking cars enjoying life on the open road as it is. Commercials like these were used as a way to appeal to both kids and adults watching, and for a good while, that appeal worked. But of course, they recently made a return in the later years, more notably in 2021 where Chevron collaborated with Techron on this little commercial right here.
Blue Car: You know, day trips, week-long road trips. It's what we do, and NOTHING gets in the way of our plans.
"Yikes, how does that dude ever take a rest?" Lucas asked himself. "Traveling this frickin' long, you figured this stress would get to him. But no, that car's a fuckin' workhorse."
(A clip of The Office plays featuring Michael Scott.)
Michael Scott (played by Steve Carell): R-E-S-P-C-P-T, Respect!
Blue Car: So Chevron is always part of the plan. Yeah, we get Chevron with Techron for unbeatable mileage, plus snacks and drinks to go.
"Ah, Chevron and Techron, way more likeable, tolerable, enjoyable and less dangerous than Omicron is." Sean nodded before shaking his head, "I'm not lying, I can't take another pandemic."
Blue Car: Fuel for them, fuel for me.
(The female customer then puts her cup of coffee on top of the blue car.)
Blue Car: Just one stop gets us closer to non-stop… adventures.
"Oh yeah, you can tell the look on his face how much he likes to get filled from behind." Lucas smirked maliciously.
"Ugh, yeah, I just noticed that too." Sean pointed out unnervously.
(A picture of the blue car is shown making bedroom eyes.)
Blue Car (V/O by Lucas): Yeah, that's right. Fill me. Fill me up harder, daddy!
Lucas (Narrating): By the way, for all of you video game fanatics out there. You may notice that the dude voicing the blue car in this commercial not also voiced this dude…
(A clip of the game Injustice 2 plays showing both Donatello and Raphael.)
Donatello (voiced by Joe Brogie): If you ran the numbers, you'd walk away.
Raphael (voiced by Ben Rausch): Like I need any help, bro.
Donatello: The facts just aren't on your side.
"But he also voiced this dude as well." Lucas said before pointing to the right.
(A clip of the game Fire Emblem: Three Houses is shown featuring Sylvain.)
Sylvain Jose Gautier (voiced by Joe Brogie): I love you, Mercedes! Let's get married and have Crest babies!
"That's right, that blue car is also the same voice as Donatello from Injustice 2 and Sylvain from Fire Emblem: Three Houses." Lucas replied. "So everytime you play those games, you're gonna think about that blue car every single time."
"Just don't imagine them getting up the butt with a gas pump." Sean shook his head to the camera.
Narrator: Chevron. Together ahead.
Blue Car: I got ya.
(The blue car then slides his body down, which also forces a cup of coffee to slide down as well just in time for a bearded male customer to grab his coffee drink. The blue car then honks to close the commercial.)
(TV static transitions to: Hi-C Ecto Cooler commercial from 1989)
(The commercial opens with a closed supermarket, where a worker is putting boxes of Ecto-Cooler on the shelves)
Announcer: This Summer, coming to a supermarket near you…
"Oh, hell yeah. Now we're talkin'." Sean said.
Announcer: There's going to be a great new Hi-C flavor with an outrageous new taste. And what are we gonna call it? Ecto Cooler.
(The box opens to release Slimer, stunning the worker as he starts screaming as well as Slimer)
Sean: (Narrating) This is one of the best flavors that Hi-C came up with. For those of you that don't know what Ecto Cooler is, it was a new flavor tha Hi-C created back in 1989 to promote Ghostbusters II, by the way, best sequel ever. Aside from the other flavors of Hi-C, this was the only good thing that Slimer has ever produced.
(Slimer screams and flies back into the cans of Hi-C Ecto Cooler)
Announcer: Hi-C Ecto Cooler: Slimer's new fruit drink.
Lucas: (Narrating) Question: what is this stuff? Why is it the best thing ever to come out of Slimer. Are we supposed to be drinking Slimer's jizz or something…
"Christ, I do not want to think about it. Anyway, it was still an awesome drink." Lucas said.
Sean: (Narrating) Ecto Cooler was incredible and when I was young, I loved it. It lasted a long time until it was discontinued, which pissed some fans off. But back in 2016, they brought back Ecto Cooler to promote Paul Feig's Ghostbusters…
"Yeah, it'll be a cold day in hell if you see me review that movie." Sean said.
Lucas: (Narrating) Then, the drink got discontinued again in December of 2016 and with the Ghostbusters movie released this year finally, they brought back Ecto Cooler from the dead and how to get your hands on it, by following Hi-C on Twitter to win some. Yeah, they better put some in stores or somebody will become a fucking ghost.
Sean: (Narrating) Hopefully, Ecto Cooler will last a long time and that they'll put it in stores, when grocery stores will get more Hi-C.
Announcer: You've been warned.
Grocery Boy: (After drinking some Ecto Cooler) Wow.
(TV static transitions to: MTV's "Beavis and Butt-Head" video game commercial from 1994)
(The commercial opens up to the familiar Beavis and Butt-Head bedroom where Beavis and Butt-Head are shown playing a Sega Genesis.)
Narrator: Finally, some action heroes who know the meaning of "action".
Beavis (voiced by Mike Judge) *to Butt-Head* Change it.
"Change what?" Sean shrugged. "Obviously, they can't be playing a Sega Genesis game that bad, right?"
"Of course not." Lucas shrugged his shoulders, "I can honestly think of a lot of Genesis games that are horrible like CrazyBus, GreenDog, Dark Castle, Time Killers, American Gladiators, Action 52 for the Genesis. What can be worse than those games put together?"
(The Beavis and Butt-Head video game from the Sega Genesis version is shown.)
Narrator: Introducing the Beavis and Butt-Head video game. Feel the thrill of the chase. Discover new and powerful weapons. And control the destinies of America's leading morons.
"Oh yeah… that." Lucas pointed out. "Definitely forgot to mention that game existed."
(Clips of Beavis and Butt-Head begin to play out while also showing the Sega Genesis version of Beavis and Butt-Head at the end.)
Sean: *Narrating* Yep, we all remember MTV's very own delinquents, Beavis and Butt-Head. But 27 years later, their newfound fame even brought them their own video game for the Sega Genesis. But truth be told, this was the most confusing version of Beavis and Butt-Head most Sega players got that was shown in the commercial. Why on earth would you want to show this version of the game when we all definitely know the Super Nintendo version of Beavis and Butt-Head was playable and worth tolerating?
"Because not also was it a bit of a platformer," Lucas said, pausing his sentence before grabbing out a boxing glove with a stick attached to it, "But in that game, you get to hit your enemies with this!"
And then, all of a sudden, Lucas took the boxing glove with the stick attached to it and hit Sean right in the head, immediately knocking him out.
"See, that's the best version ever!" Lucas replied, all while ignoring an unconscious Sean.
Butt-Head (voiced by Mike Judge): *to Beavis* Whoa. For like heroes, these guys are stupid.
Beavis: Hehehehe, yeah. Stupid…
"More like this game is stupid," Sean replied before rolling his eyes. "Probably should've played anything from Sonic 2 or anything from Streets of Rage. But no, they had to play something confusing, irritating and more painful than killing a frog in a game of baseball. You fartknockers."
"Then again, playing baseball with a dog as a baseball would sound very enjoyable than this." Lucas said, all before pausing for a few seconds, "Don't ever do that, kids. That sounds inhumane."
Narrator: Two morons. Three different games. Beavis and Butt-Head video game for Genesis, Game Gear and Super Nintendo. It rules.
Beavis: *laughing* Hehehehe…
(A clip from the movie Elf is shown.)
Buddy The Elf (played by Will Ferrell): You sit on a throne of lies.
"I couldn't agree more with you, Buddy." Sean nodded.
Lucas then replied, "I agree too. By the way: Change it!"
Sean nods once again before grabbing the remote and changing the channel.
(TV static transitions to: Terminator 2: Judgment Day teaser trailer)
(The teaser trailer opens on a robot factory, where we see some familiar-looking robots being built)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, my God. This has to be one of the greatest teaser trailers of all time.
"Let's just say that you're sitting in a movie theater in 1990, what movie are you watching back then?" Sean asked.
(The poster for the Bill Cosby movie "Ghost Dad" is shown)
"Uh, no. Can we bring in another movie from 1990, please?" Sean asked.
(The poster for the 1990 Arnold Schwarzenegger movie "Total Recall" is shown)
"That's what I'm talking about." Sean said.
"This teaser trailer is so epic, that we have to talk about it." Lucas said.
Lucas: (Narrating) We see that the trailer opens in a factory, where a familiar-looking robot is shown.
(The teaser trailer continues as we see the robot is being built, revealing it to be the endoskeleton of the Terminator)
"Yeah, we all know what the robot is." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We continue to see the endoskeleton being built in the factory, where all of the other Terminators are being built. And we see it's been put in a cyborg tissue generator machine. And once it's covered with living tissue, we see a familiar looking face.
(We see that the robot is revealed to be the T-800 and his eyes start glowing red after he opens them. Before we see the words "T2" and "Terminator 2: Judgment Day" appear on the screen)
T-800 (Played by Arnold Schwarzenegger): (V/O) I'll be back.
"Epic. Fucking epic!" Lucas exclaimed as he claps his hands. "That's how you do a teaser trailer, folks."
Lucas: (Narrating) What I love about this trailer is that it doesn't give much away, but it does set the tone and provide some good and original effects from the late special effects wizard Stan Winston. Hell, it also shows that Terminators are mass-produced, which explains how there was another after the first one got crushed by Sarah Connor.
Sean: (Narrating) And not only that, I can make a joke about how this is not a teaser trailer, we're actually witnessing the actual footage of Arnie's birth. Yeah, this was back when trailers were about teasing the viewers and not giving away the whole damn plot in a montage.
"Man, this is so friggin' amazing. We've got nothing else to say about this. If you haven't seen this teaser trailer, then go check it out now. Alright, what's next on the list?" Sean asked.
(TV static transitions to: Electricity: Football PSA from 1989)
Sean: (Narrating) Here's a little PSA from Britain.
"Ah, okay. Seems harmless. Hopefully, it's not gonna involve the bombing of Smurfs." Sean said.
(Three boys are looking at a restricted area, filled with various electric generators and warning signs. One boy, named Tom, sees a soccer ball in the area)
Tom: Look! Over there, there's a football! (Sees a copper-colored soccer ball)
"A football? That doesn't even remotely look like a football. It looks more like a basketball." Lucas said.
Darren: Keep an eye open, you two.
(Darren pries the bar of the fence open and begins to go through the fence into the area as the third boy, named Andy, attempts to stop him)
Andy: Hang on, mate. This place is electrified.
Darren: Ah, it's to frighten little kids. It's all right if you don't touch anything. I've seen people working out there.
"Besides, it's not like anything bad is gonna happen to me." Sean said, imitating Darren.
Andy: It's not worth it.
Darren: You're just scared of getting caught.
(Darren goes into the area and ignores what Andy said, while Tom stays behind to keep watch)
"Uh… what's going to happen? Is this some kind of new game that the British have invented?" Lucas asked.
(Darren runs through the area and begins climbing up to the spot where the soccer ball is)
"So, what happens when he catches the ball, does the game begin or something?" Sean asked, looking confused.
(Darren grabs the ball and throws it, but the ball ends up hitting a generator, causing it to release a shock that electrocutes Darren as he fall to the ground, dead. We cut back to Sean and Lucas as they become freaked out from what they've just witnessed)
"JESUS CHRIST!" Sean yelled out.
"OH, GOOD LORD!" Lucas yelled out.
"JESUS, MARY AND JOSEPH, NO!" Sean continued to freak out.
Tom: Darren!
(Tom immediately runs into the area towards Darren while Andy runs over to the gate)
"Oh, my God!" Sean exclaimed.
(Tom reaches Darren's body)
Tom: Darren!
(Tom attempts to reach down to Darren's body, but unknown to him, his left hand is about to touch an electric generator next to him)
Andy: No, Tom!
(But it was too late; Tom accidentally touches the generator, electrocuting him and killing him off-screen)
"OH, MY GOD!" Sean and Lucas both screamed out.
(The commercial shows a wide shot of the electric area as the smoke from the electrocutions rises into the sky. The commercial's message is then shown with captions)
Announcer: Stay safe. Stay out. Don't take a chance with electricity.
Sean and Lucas are seen sitting on the couch, stunned from what they have just witnessed before Sean shrieks out.
"YOU GUYS ARE FUCKING SICK! YOU'RE SICK, BRITAIN! YOU'RE SICK!" Sean screamed out.
Announcer: Stay out.
Lucas: (Narrating; angry) Oh, trust us. WE WILL! YOU GUYS ELECTROCUTE YOUR CHILDREN AND TURNED THEM INTO BURNED FISH AND CHIPS!
"YOU'RE SICK, BRITAIN! YOU'RE SICK! WE'RE KEEPING JAMES BOND, JASON STATHAM AND MONTY PYTHON. YOU TEA-DRINKING, CRUMPET-EATING BOZOS CAN KEEP ZAYN MALIK, PRINCE HARRY AND MEGHAN MARKLE." Lucas screamed out.
"Yeah, because in America, we don't electrocute our children!" Sean exclaimed.
"That's right, broski." Lucas said as he fist bumps Sean.
(The shot of Tom getting electrocuted is shown again, followed by a clip from Goldfinger)
James Bond (Played by Sean Connery): Shocking… positively shocking.
(TV static transitions to: Keep America Beautiful's "The Crying Indian" commercial from 1970)
(The commercial opens up to a scene in which a Native American Indian is busy paddling on his canoe.)
Lucas: (Narrating) Now this is one hell of a classic right here from the 70's. And it's one of the most memorable PSAs to ever exist in time.
Sean then pointed to the camera and said, "And if you out there watching who haven't been born around the 70's and still clueless to figure out what this is, well then, maybe THIS needs to happen to you."
(A clip of the film Dances With Wolves is shown, which features a Pawnee Indian scalping Timmons, played by Robert Pastorelli. Thankfully, it is shown off-screen.)
"Yeah, you know what Sean's talking about," Lucas said, nodding to the camera. "Right off the top!"
Sean: (Narrating) In this commercial, we see a usual Native American rowing his boat gently down the stream where he suddenly sees trash floating around the ocean. I'm sure that won't be a problem.
(The Indian paddles right past a wet newspaper all before paddling towards an ocean located next to a nearby factory.)
Indian (V/O by Lucas): Ugh, this Earth gives no heap big respect for me. And to think us Kemosabes give them casinos.
(The Indian then stops his canoe right by the ocean where it is scattered with more trash.)
"Looks like Dan from Dan Vs. had revenge against the beach again." Sean pointed out, "Man, those indians have a right to be pissed right now."
Narrator: Some people have a deep abiding respect for the natural beauty that was once this country.
"That was until this lousy douche took office of course." Lucas pointed to the left, where a picture of ex-president Donald Trump was shown.
Narrator: But some people don't.
(The Indian stops in front of a road and witness the cars running by him. One of the cars opens up a window and throws a bag of food and trash onto the road and around the Indian's feet.)
Narrator: People start pollution. People can stop it.
(The camera starts to close in on the Indian's face, which he now starts shedding a tear before fading into black.)
"That shot." Sean pointed to the camera as if he was pointing to that teardrop that the Indian shed, "That shot right there is just picture perfect. It's that kind of shot that says, "Why do you do this to us? Was it because we gave you a baseball team or nothing?"
"That kind of look could definitely fit every reaction scene there is." Lucas replied, "In fact, here are a few examples."
(A clip of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air plays.)
Will: *crying* How come he don't want me, man?
(The scene switches over to the crying Indian.)
(A clip of Angry Grandpa Wins Christmas Lottery plays.)
Angry Grandpa: Half? You want half? I'll give you g**damn half!
(Angry Grandpa then shreds the lottery ticket in half, leaving Pickleboy to scream in shock. The scene switches over to the crying Indian.)
(A clip of Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back plays featuring Darth Vader)
Darth Vader (voiced by James Earl Jones): Luke, I am your father.
Luke Skywalker (played by Mark Hamill): No. That's not true. That's impossible!
(The scene then switches over to the Crying Indian once again.)
"Muah." Lucas said, making a chef's kiss with his fingers, "That is perfection."
(The scene then freeze-frames over to the Crying Indian.)
Sean: (Narrating) However, there is one slight little problem I have with this commercial. Turns out the guy playing the Indian in this commercial isn't exactly Indian at all. Nope, here's a little information I learned from this guy.
(Iron Eyes Cody's Wikipedia page pops up on the screen.)
Sean: Turns out the Indian in the commercial goes by the full name of Iron Eyes Cody and believe me when I say this, he's actually Italian. No joke.
"My mind was completely blown by this." Sean said, shaking his head filled with shock. "Imagine a muslim guy playing a black guy in a commercial. Or perhaps an Indian guy playing an actual Italian guy. What about a middle eastern Indian playing a British guy? You definitely don't see that on your TV. Heck, even in the year were in, they still to this day won't accept a dutch man playing a muslim dude."
"Yeah, like in the 70's was so accepting of race, huh?" Lucas said, raising his eyebrow.
(A booklet that says "71 Things You Can Do to Stop Pollution" is shown.)
Narrator: Write for pollution booklet box 1771, Radio City Station, New York.
"And with that legendary PSA pleasing our tiny little brains as it is, this closes once again another Commercials special for this year." Sean replied with a satisfied sigh.
"And man, did we deliver a hell of a Commercials special to begin with." Lucas nodded, "We delivered a lot of chicken, a lot of OJ, a lot of Ecto Coolers, a lot of pizza, washed it down with a nice Fuel in a Bottle and wrapped it in a ball to throw it in a street where that Indian dude's gonna cry about it. All apologies to the Native Americans. You are good people."
Sean then replied with a shrug, "Well, all apologies aside, it's time to finally get ready for the Christmas season and no doubt I am in the holiday spirit this time. So on behalf of my good friend UltimateWarriorFan4Ever, this is Sean The Mayhem Critic, and I'll see you next—"
But before he could finish off that last sentence…
*BAM!*
Both Sean and Lucas were cut off by the sound of a loud thud occurring at the outside.
"What the F was that?!" Sean shrieked.
"Don't know, but I think it just came from outside!" Lucas guessed right away before saying, "Let's go take a look."
Without any time to waste at all, both Sean and Lucas left their couch and scurried outside nonstop, only to see that a big Christmas bag had landed on top of Sean's car. All of a sudden, Sean heard the sound of sleigh bells ringing through the sky, forcing him to look up and see Santa Claus riding toward the sky with his reindeer.
"Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas, you dorkmunch!" Santa shouted from the sky, flipping Sean right off with the bird before flying away.
The camera then turned back to a close-up of Sean's face, which started to shed a tear a la The Crying Indian all before fading to black.
Mayhem Critic Tagline - WOOOOOOOOOO!
Yep, what a commercials special that was. And knowing how the ending turned out, that can only mean one thing and one thing only everyone: It's time for the Mayhem Critic Christmas Month! And what better way to open up the Christmas special than the 1979 animated classic Jack Frost? Then after that, me and Lucas will cover up the recently released live-action movie from Nickelodeon, A Loud House Christmas! I'll have more stuff to plan this holiday season so be sure to look out for what's coming from yours truly. Anyway, if you have a movie you want me to review or if you want to help me out for a co-review, all you gotta do is PM me. That's how it works. So until next time: Later and enjoy the holiday season!