The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and I am here to bring you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Well, Sean the Mayhem Critic is back after another hiatus and he's back with another review. Today, Sean takes a look at the third entry in the Die Hard franchise when he takes a look at what would be the best one in the franchise. And that movie is Die Hard With a Vengeance. Along the way, Sean deals with a man named Simon who has a little game for him to play. So sit back, relax and enjoy the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Die Hard With a Vengeance is owned by 20th Century Fox and Cinergi.
Episode 138
Die Hard With a Vengeance
We open with our favorite residential movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, as we see him in the living room sitting on his couch as he prepares to start today's review.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. After a little break from reviewing movies, I guess it's time to jump back into reviewing another movie. So, what's today's movie that I'm going to be reviewing?"
Before Sean could even begin the introduction for the review, his phone starts going off when he hears the "Raiders March" ringtone playing. He sighs a bit before he picks up the phone and answers it.
"Hello?" Sean asked.
"Is this Sean J. Archer?" The mysterious voice asked.
"Uh, yeah. May I ask who's asking?" Sean asked.
"I have a little request for you." The mysterious voice said.
"A little request? Okay, if you're requesting me to write a Seddie one-shot, I hate to break it to you, but I'm more of a Creddie fan." Sean said.
"I'm not requesting a dirty Creddie fanfic for you to write just for you to satisfy the Creddie fans." The mysterious voice said.
"Then, what is it?" Sean asked.
"I want to play a little game with you." The mysterious voice said.
"What kind of game?" Sean asked.
"The game is called "Simon Says". Simon says for you to review a Die Hard movie." The mysterious voice said.
"Review another Die Hard movie? Dude, I already reviewed Die Hard 2 last year. What other Die Hard movie do you want me to review? Is it Live Free or Die Hard or is it A Good Day to Die Hard because I really hate that movie." Sean said.
"No, it's not those two. It's the other one. The third film." The mysterious voice said.
"Oh. That one. Well, okay." Sean said before he ends the call and turns his attention to the camera. "Looks like I'm reviewing Die Hard With a Vengeance."
(The title screen for "Die Hard With a Vengeance" is shown followed by clips from the movie while the track "When Johnny Comes Marching Home" plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on May 19th, 1995, this movie marks the first time we see John McClane hitting the mean streets of his hometown New York City and he has to race against the clock to stop an unseen madman from blowing up the city. Now, the script-to-screen process of Die Hard movies is super fascinating.
(A picture of Roderick Thorp is shown, followed by his books "Nothing Last Forever" and "The Detective" is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Now, you all know the history of how the movie Die Hard began. If not, then let me refresh your memory. It was based on a book titled "Nothing Last Forever", which was written by Roderick Thorp. The story was a sequel to another book titled "The Detective", which became a movie that starred Frank Sinatra. His idea for "Nothing Last Forever" was based on a dream that Thorp had after seeing the movie "The Towering Inferno". Then, the book was supposed to be a follow-up film starring Frank Sinatra, but Sinatra declined and the role was offered to Arnold Schwarzenegger and it was supposed to be a sequel to Commando, Schwarzenegger declined and the role was offered to Bruce Willis, in which he accepts. So, Joe Leleand was changed to John McClane and that is how "Die Hard" began.
(A picture of novelist Walter Wager is shown followed by his book "58 Minutes")
Sean: (Narrating) Then we move on to the year 1990 and Die Hard 2: Die Harder was released and that movie was based on the book "58 Minutes" by Walter Wager, and that book was served as the basis for the movie. And here's how Die Hard 3's history started. The premise of the film was repurposed from a stand-alone project. There were various scripts written for Die Hard 3 and a number of them were rejected by Bruce Willis. There was one script that was originally titled Troubleshooter written by James Haggin, and that one involved John and his wife Holly on a Caribbean cruise line and he fights terrorists who take over the ship. That idea was scrapped because it felt too similar to the Steven Segal movie Under Siege. Years later, the Troubleshooter idea was later used for the movie Speed 2: Cruise Control…
"And look how that movie turned out and we all know how it turned out." Sean said as he gives a thumbs down and blew a raspberry.
Sean: (Narrating) The script written by Jonathan Hensleigh titled Simon Says, slammed it's way onto producer's desks and the film was supposed to star Brandon Lee. But just like his father, he was taken from us too soon. Eventually, Warner Bros. snagged the script and intended to use it for a new Lethal Weapon sequel. I don't know how that idea would turn out with Riggs and Murtaugh. Hopefully, it wouldn't be as bad as Lethal Weapon 4. Then, the script was in turnaround, only for it to be purchased by Fox and it was rewritten as a Die Hard movie that would feature John McClane and a new partner and trust me, we'll get to that later. This movie marked the return of director John McTiernan and along with this movie…
(Posters for the films Predator, Die Hard, The Hunt for Red October, Last Action Hero and Die Hard With a Vengeance are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) …McTiernan has directed some of the best movies that the genre has to offer.
Sean turns to his left and notices the poster for the 2002 remake Rollerball appears next to him.
"Not you! Get out of here!" Sean yelled.
Rollerball Poster: (Goes away) Awwww.
(A picture of John McTiernan is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Also, this was before McTiernan was sent to prison for wiretapping.
"Wiretapping. Really, dude?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) But the question remains: is this the best one in the series? Or will it suck hard like A Good Day to Die Hard?
"Well, let's hold on to our butt and get ready to say "yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker", this is Die Hard With a Vengeance." Sean said.
(The movie begins with different shots of New York City while the song "Summer in the City" by The Lovin' Spoonful plays in the background)
"Come on, let's be honest. When you watch the movie, you all wanted to sing along to the lyrics to Summer in the City. Don't lie. You all know you want to!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Our tour of New York gets disrupted by a department store getting blown up by a bomb during the morning commute.
"Come to New York, we're welcoming you to some of the finest bombings. Mind you all, this was pre-9/11." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) This puts the New York Police Department into a panic with every set of hands taking phone calls, one of which happens to be Inspector Walter Cobb, played by Larry Bryggman.
(A clip from Impractical Jokers is shown)
Joe: Larry!/Larry!/LARRY!
"Had to be done." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) He gets a phone call from this mysterious madman who's asking for McClane, but our hero is on suspension.
Mysterious Voice: No, Walter, he's not. Not today.
Inspector Walter Cobb (Played by Larry Bryggman): Who is this?
Mysterious Voice: Call me Simon.
Inspector Walter Cobb: What do you want?
Sean: (V/O as Simon) I am here to awesome your movie, Inspector.
Sean: (Narrating) The mysterious Simon has a little game for them to play called "Simon Says" and he threatens to detonate another public place unless he gets McClane to do what he says. So, Inspector Cobb sends Detective Connie Kowalski, played by Colleen Camp, and Detective Joe Lambert, played by Graham Greene, to pick up McClane. In which they do, as we see McClane, played by Bruce Willis back when he still had hair, trying to recover from a bad hangover and a bad headache.
Inspector Walter Cobb: Jesus, John. You look like shit.
"Yeah, that's what happens when you star in a shitty erotic thriller which features Bruce Willis' orgasm sound." Sean said, referencing the 1994 erotic thriller Color of Night.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, we see that John has been transferred back to the NYPD, he's separated from his wife Holly and also on the verge of alcoholism. Again, this is what happens when you star in Color of Night. (Poster for the movie Color of Night is shown) Also, he has some time to know what last night's lottery number was when Detective Ricky Walsh, played by the late Anthony Peck, Detective Kowalski and Inspector Cobb tells him the number.
Lt. John McClane (Played by Bruce Willis): Hey, what was the lottery number last night?
All: 4467.
"4467. I think I've played that number. Let me check my lottery ticket." Sean said as he checks the ticket. "Damn! I was so close."
Lt. John McClane: (Sighs) You still bettin' your badge, Rick?
Detective Ricky Walsh (Played by Anthony Peck): Yeah. 6991 every week.
Lt. John McClane: 6991. Lucky number.
Detective Joe Lambert (Played by Graham Greene): Half the cops in New York play their badges.
"Remember that badge number, ladies and gentlemen because it is going to be very important later on in the movie." Sean said. "Eh, I'm sure nothing bad will happen to him."
Sean: (Narrating) They arrive at their destination and drop McClane off at the request of Simon and he must venture through the mean streets of Harlem while wearing a sign. But enough about him, we're introduced to Samuel L. Jackson and he plays a Harlem shopkeeper named Zeus Carver and let me just say that Samuel L. Jackson is the best part about the movie…
Sean's phone starts ringing again as the young critic sighs in disgust before he answers the phone.
"What is it?" Sean asked.
"I thought I was the best part about the movie." The mysterious voice said.
"Oh, we'll get to you later. But first, I want to talk about Samuel L. Jackson's character and a little fun fact about the character." Sean said before turning his attention to the camera. "Fun fact about the Zeus character, the character was originally supposed to be a woman."
"Lovely fact. Now I want you to do something for me: Simon says for you to look at the camera and say that Joel Schumacher's Batman & Robin is a good movie." The mysterious voice said.
"No way. I am not doing that." Sean said.
"Do it or I will blow your house up." The mysterious voice said.
Ominous music starts playing in the background as Sean makes a stunned look on his face after finding out that the mystery man has placed a bomb in his home.
"You're bluffing." Sean said.
"Am I? I have the detonator sitting right next to me. I will not hesitate to press it." The mysterious voice said.
"There's no way in hell that you're gonna blow me up. You're gonna have to do better than that just to scare me. You know what, I'm gonna hang up on you." Sean said as he prepares to end the call.
"Don't bother ending this call, I have a sniper aiming at you if you do." The mysterious voice said.
"What the hell?" Sean asked.
"You better do as I say or die. Now, Simon says for you to say that Joel Schumacher's Batman & Robin is a good movie." The mysterious voice said.
"Fine. Unless you want angry fans wanting to kill me, then I'll do it." Sean said before turning his attention to the camera once more. "Joel Schumacher's Batman & Robin is a good movie."
"Good boy." The mysterious voice said.
"Who the hell are you?" Sean asked.
"Call me… Simon." Simon said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, we see that Zeus is busy educating his nephews Raymond and Dexter, played by Aldis Hodge and Michael Alexander Jackson respectively, about hanging out with bad people.
Zeus Carver (Played by Samuel L. Jackson): (After smacking his nephew Dexter in the head with a newspaper) Don't ever let people use you. You're running all over town with stolen property. If you get caught, you get in trouble while he gets to deny the whole thing and walk away.
Raymond (Played by Aldis Hodge): You- You mean you want us to take it back to Tony?
Zeus Carver: No, I'll take it back to Tony, with a message. Now, where you goin'?
Raymond: School.
Zeus Carver: Why?
Dexter (Played by Michael Alexander Jackson): To get educated.
Zeus Carver: Why?
Raymond: So we can go to college.
Zeus Carver: And why is that important?
Raymond: To get 'espect.
Zeus Carver: "Respect." Now, who's the bad guys?
Raymond: Guys who sell drugs.
Dexter: Guys who have guns.
"That's easy for you to say, one of your nephews is going to end up playing rapper MC Ren in the movie Straight Outta Compton. Damn kids listening to N.W.A. But then again, their songs are great." Sean said.
Zeus Carver: Who's gonna help you?
Dexter: Nobody.
Zeus Carver: So who's gonna help you?
Raymond: We're gonna help ourselves.
Zeus Carver: And who do we not want to help us?
Raymond and Dexter: (Together) White people.
Zeus Carver: That's right.
"Damn, movie. Can you get a bit more racist?" Sean asked.
(Zeus and his nephews sees McClane standing on a sidewalk wearing a sign that says "I Hate N******")
(A.N.: I am not typing the whole word out. This word is censored)
"Oooooh! Wow. YouTube's gonna have a field day about this. Yeah, I know what the sign says and I'm not gonna say it. Plus, I have it censored so I won't get in trouble." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, the villain in this movie is one sick bastard by making McClane trek out into Harlem by wearing a sign offending black people with the queen mother of all words I can't say. So, Zeus sees the incident from across the street and rushes out to see if McClane is a few lightsabers short of a Jedi Council before all hell breaks loose.
Zeus Carver: You having a nice day, sir? You feeling all right? Not to get to personal but a white man standing in the middle of Harlem wearing a sign that says "I Hate N******" has either got some serious personal issues or not all his dogs are barking.
(McClane yawns)
Zeus Carver: Hey! I'm talkin' to you! Now you got about 10 seconds before those guys see you. And when they do, they will kill you. You understand? You are about to have a very bad day.
Lt. John McClane: (Sighs) Tell me about it.
"Boy, can you believe that it took three movies to get Bruce Willis and Samuel L. Jackson together?" Sean asked.
(Clips from Unbreakable and Glass are shown before cutting to shots of the posters for the movies National Lampoon's Loaded Weapon 1, Pulp Fiction and Die Hard With a Vengeance)
Sean: (Narrating) Before Unbreakable and Glass, both Bruce Willis and Samuel L. Jackson appeared in three movies together. It started with Quentin Tarantino's Pulp Fiction, one of my favorite movies of all time. Butch didn't get acquainted with Jules, but he did get acquainted with Vincent…
(A clip from Pulp Fiction is shown, featuring Butch gunning down Vincent)
Sean: (Narrating) …and Loaded Weapon 1 is an underrated comedic gem that I enjoy from time to time…
(A clip from National Lampoon's Loaded Weapon 1 is shown)
Jack Colt (Played by Emilio Estevez): What's wrong?
Wes Luger (Played by Samuel L. Jackson) : Nothing. Taking a shit.
Jack Colt: Oh.
(Cut to a scene featuring John McClane)
John McClane, 814 Pacific Coast Highway (Played by Bruce Willis): (After his trailer home blows up and rises from the flaming wreckage while waving a makeshift white flag) What the hell are you doin'?
Man in Helicopter: Uh. Is this 1014 Pacific Coast Highway?
John McClane, 814 Pacific Coast Highway: HUH?
Man in Helicopter: 1014 Pacific Coast Highway?
John McClane, 814 Pacific Coast Highway: NO! THIS IS 814 PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY! 1014 IS TWO BLOCKS UP THAT WAY! (Points to his right)
Man in Helicopter: Sorry! My mistake!
John McClane, 814 Pacific Coast Highway: (Sarcastically) YEAH! NO PROBLEM! NO PROBLEM!
Sean: (Narrating) A group of understandably upset citizens notices McClane and his sign…
Gang Member #1 (Played by Anthony Thomas): (Sees McClane's sign) What the fuck!
Zeus Carver: (Notices the gang member) Aw, shit.
"Did I say "understandably"? I meant, some really pissed off gang members who are about to murder a white man." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) McClane tries to diffuse the situation before it gets worse, but they end up slashing Zeus in the arm and they give John a really bad headache by breaking a beer bottle on his head. But then Zeus sees the gun taped to McClane's back and starts holding everyone up at gunpoint.
Zeus Carver: (While pointing the gun at the gang members) Back! Back up! Back the fuck up! Now! (Helps up McClane) Come on, man. Get up. Get up! Get outta here!
(McClane lands on the ground as a cab stops in front of him)
Zeus Carver: Stop the c… Stop the goddamn cab!
Sean (V/O as Jamaican Cabbie) Hey, mon! Don't go pointin' that thing at me! I have a wife, two kids and five jobs!
(McClane and Zeus enter the cab and they drive away)
Lt. John McClane: Look! Jesus, I'm sorry you got involved, all right?
Zeus Carver: Why do you keep calling me Jesus? I look Puerto Rican to you?
Lt. John McClane: Guy back there called you Jesus, didn't he?
Zeus Carver: He didn't say Jesus! He said, "Hey, Zeus!" My name is Zeus.
Lt. John McClane: Zeus?
Zeus Carver: Yeah, Zeus! As in father of Apollo? Mt. Olympus? "Don't fuck with me or I'll shove a lightning bolt up your ass!" Zeus! You got a problem with that?
"Nope, nope. No problem at all. I'm just glad that your nephews aren't named Apollo and Artemis." Sean said, imitating McClane.
Sean: (Narrating) McClane heads back to NYPD headquarters with Zeus. After they arrive, forensic psychologist Dr. Fred Schiller, played by Stephen Pearlman, explains to them that Simon is a textbook megalomaniac and he wants control over McClane.
Dr. Fred Schiller (Played by Stephen Pearlman): This guy wants to pound on you till you crumble. He wants you to dance to his tune, and then…
Lt. John McClane: Put on a dress and fuck me?
(Lambert starts laughing)
Dr. Fred Schiller: I was going to say kill you. He's sitting on an awful lot of rage and it could be manifested physically if he's stressed.
"Hey, take it from you, Doc. You're sitting on an awful lot of rage from finding out that Jerry Seinfeld and your daughter were busy making out during Schindler's List." Sean said, referring to the Seinfeld episode The Raincoats.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that bomb whiz Charlie Weiss, played by Kevin Chamberlin, arrive with a small suitcase that was found in a playground in Chinatown and he explains to everyone that the bomb is made of epoxi-like liquid bombs with two liquids.
Charlie Weiss (Played by Kevin Chamberlin): Now, either one by itself… (Slams his shoe on the unmixed liquid) …you got nothing, but mix 'em-
(Charlie mixes the liquid together)
Charlie Weiss: Ricky?
(Ricky moves out of the way as Charles tosses the paper clip to an empty chair, causing it to explode and startling Connie)
Detective Connie Kowalski (Played by Colleen Camp): (Yells angrily) Charlie, you're gonna be wearing that chair up your ass!
Inspector Walter Cobb: Christ Almighty, Charlie!
"Yeah, when the liquids are mixed together… prepare for one big bang. And also Ikea's worst nightmare and for Bertram to use it on the Ross children." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But enough about Bertram's plan to wiping out the Rosses, Simon calls to toy with McClane some more and also get Zeus in the mix as well.
Simon: Well, is the ebony samaritan there now?
Zeus Carver: You got a problem with ebony?
Simon: No, no. My only problem is that I went to some trouble preparing that game for McClane. You interfered with a well-laid plan.
Zeus Carver: Yeah, well, you can stick your well-laid plan up your well-laid ass.
(Simon hangs up)
"Well, movie's over… roll credits!" Sean exclaimed.
(The end credits are shown until a sound of a gunshot is heard)
We cut back to Sean as he turns to see the bullet hole in the wall before Simon calls back.
"Hello?" Sean asked after he answered the phone.
"That was not funny. This was a warning shot. Do that again and this will be the last movie that you'll review." Simon said.
"Yes, sir. Sorry." Sean apologized.
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, I was just kidding. It was just Samuel L. Jackson being Samuel L. Jackson. Anyway, Simon calls back ten seconds later for to tell Inspector Cobb that McClane and Zeus will go to the subway station at 72nd and Broadway. This gives McClane some time to grill the maniac.
Lt. John McClane: What did you do? Shoplifting, purse snatching… cross-dressing, what?
We cut back to see Sean putting on some red lipstick on his lips while donning a blonde wig. He looks at the camera, realizing that is it still on.
"Shit!" Sean exclaimed as he immediately removed the wig from off of his head and grabbed a tissue to wipe the lipstick from off of his lips. "You didn't see anything."
Sean: (Narrating) Well, on the plus side, McClane is reinstated just like that and Zeus is tagging along, but with Zeus being the Uncle Tom that he is, tells them that it's a white man's job and he tells McClane that he saved him to prevent a white death in Harlem from sparking a much harsher backlash from the white police force. So, McClane tries to convince Zeus to tag along with him.
Lt. John McClane: You know where that park is at 115th street and St. Nicholas?
Zeus Carver: Yeah, it's in Harlem.
Lt. John McClane: Where did you think we find that bomb. Listen, this guy don't care about skin color, even if you do.
"Okay, ladies and gentlemen. Did you hear that? Skin color is not important. I'm black, he's white. But it doesn't matter! I will remind you all again in about ten minutes. Trust me." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, McClane and Zeus head down to the pay phone and we see ebony and ivory working together in perfect harmony…
"I cannot believe that I made that reference in 2022." Sean said, referring to the Stevie Wonder/Paul McCartney song.
(The song "Ebony & Ivory" by Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney starts playing in the background)
Lt. John McClane: (To the woman) Ma'am. Excuse me, ma'am. We need this phone for official police business.
Phone Woman (Played by Barbara Hipkiss): Do you mind?
Lt. John McClane: Honey, I'm a cop. I need the phone right now.
Phone Woman: I'm sorry, but I…
(The record scratches as Zeus yells at the woman)
Zeus Carver: Get off the damn phone, lady! Police business!
Phone Woman: Well, I never!
Zeus Carver: I can get used to this.
"Yeah, when these two get together, you better run for your lives." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Simon calls them up and he gives them the first riddle.
Simon: (On the phone) As I was going to St. Ives, I met a man with seven wives. Every wife had seven sacks. Every sack had seven cats. Every cat had seven kittens. Kittens, cats, sacks and wives. How many were going to St. Ives?
"Oh, go ahead and take your time to solve this riddle, ladies and gentlemen. Wait, hold on. I know the perfect person who's best at solving riddles. I need his expertise. Excuse me." Sean said as he picks up his phone.
(Cut to Up All Knight with Chad Knight)
We cut to fellow critic Chad Knight, who is sitting in his office drinking a can of Coca-Cola while he's busy working on his next review for his show.
"Mean Girls is one of the best teen comedies of all time and I am a big fan of the movie. So, some jackass figured that they make a sequel. Case in point: 2011's Mean Girls 2, a movie that we didn't ask for and yet we were punished like the world is punishing us with Covid-19! And as a fan of the first film, let me just say that this movie sucks…" Chad said as his phone starts ringing. He sighs in disgust before he answers the phone. "Hello?"
"Hey, Chad. I need your help." Sean said.
"Look, if it's about the Hard Ticket to Hawaii review, you can review it for your show and Lucas and I will join you in this hooter-filled action movie." Chad said.
"Besides that and don't worry we'll get to that review. I have other problems." Sean said.
"Wait, you want me to co-review a movie with you for Video Game Month in February?" Chad asked.
"Besides that! And you participated, buddy." Sean said.
"Then, what is it then?" Chad asked.
"Okay, I want you to solve a riddle for me. I'm doing a review of Die Hard With a Vengeance and the character Simon gave McClane and Zeus the St. Ives riddle…" Sean said.
"One." Chad said.
"What?" Sean asked.
"That's the answer. One." Chad said.
"Well, that was easy. So it was the guy, right?" Sean asked.
"Yep. Just the narrator." Chad said.
"Okay, thanks for the help. I really appreciate it." Sean said.
"Anytime. Hey, since I've helped you out with your problem, maybe you can help me out with my problem." Chad said.
"And what problem is that?" Sean asked.
"Well, I'm doing a review of Mean Girls 2, and I was hoping that…" Chad said.
"Hold it, Mean Girls 2?" Sean asked.
"Yeah, that's right." Chad said.
"I don't want nothing to do with it!" Sean exclaimed before he ends the call.
"Asshole." Chad said.
"He said "no", didn't he?" Dexter asked while eating an apple.
"What the fuck do you think, Dexter?!" Chad snapped.
Sean: (Narrating) McClane gives Simon the answer, but he tells them that they were 10 seconds late, so they hit the deck but…
(There's no explosion coming from the trash can as Simon laughs)
Lt. John McClane: No bomb.
(Simon continues to laugh)
Lt. John McClane: Yeah.
Simon: I didn't say, Simon says.
Sean: (V/O as Simon) It was a prank, bro.
Sean: (Narrating) But hey, time is of the essence because the number 3 train is arriving now, so they have to get to the pay phone in Wall Street station by 10:20 or Simon will detonate the bomb and kill many innocent lives. So, McClane and Zeus have to go down ninety blocks in 30 minutes in New York traffic. So how do they do it? Well, they jack a cab and McClane does some reckless driving.
(McClane drives past an oncoming bus)
Zeus Carver: Where the hell you going, McClane? I told you Ninth Avenue was the quickest way south!
Lt. John McClane: Stop with that goddamn yelling! I know what I'm doing!
Zeus Carver: Not even God knows what you're doing!
(We cut to McClane driving through the park)
Zeus Carver: Are you aiming for these people?
Lt. John McClane: No.
(A man screams)
Lt. John McClane: Well, maybe that mime.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(The "Mime Time" logo is shown)
Narrator: It's Mime Time.
(We see Sean appearing on screen, this time is dressed as the mime from Animaniacs)
Narrator: Today on "Mime Time": walking through Central Park.
(Sean, as the mime, pretends to be walking through the park and waves to people. Then, McClane and Zeus appear in a cab until Sean gets hit by the cab)
Narrator: The end.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) After flying through the park like Premium Rush with more wheels, McClane and Zeus get stuck in traffic and he tries a maneuver for people who are stuck in traffic wish that they could pull off by calling in an ambulance to get through traffic.
"Hell, in real life, these assholes wouldn't let you through. Don't you hate that shit?" Sean asked.
(A clip from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is shown)
Dennis Reynolds (Played by Glenn Howerton): OH, GODDAMN IT! I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE OLD! SEIZE THE GAP, YOU OLD FAT BITCH! YOU FAT BITCH!
Sean: (Narrating) They arrive at the subway station, as McClane and Zeus split up, only for McClane to jump on top of the train before Tom Cruise made it awesome and dangerous in Mission: Impossible, while Zeus has to deal with some guy who wants to be an asshole towards him after he gets in the cab.
Business Guy (Taxi) (Played by Bill Kux): 112 Wall Street.
Zeus Carver: Wait. This isn't a taxi. You don't understand.
Business Guy (Taxi): Your light's on. I'll make it simple. 112 Wall Street, or I'll have your medallion suspended. What, you don't like white people?
Zeus Carver: 112 Wall Street?
(The business guy nods his head)
Zeus Carver: You got it.
(Zeus starts driving incredibly fast before we cut to him arriving at the destination and hops out of the cab while the business guy is still sitting in the back looking scared)
"And what have we learned, ladies and gentlemen? We learned that you should never screw with someone who's busy with something. But hey, at least Major Marcus Warren got him there quick, fast and in a hurry." Sean said, referencing Samuel L. Jackson's character from The Hateful Eight.
Sean: (Narrating) Zeus races down to the pay phone in the station, but then he runs into another asshole who's busy using the phone.
Zeus Carver: Excuse me, sir, but I'm expecting a call. I need that phone.
Businessman (Station) (Played by Ralph Buckley): Why don't you use the other phone?
(Zeus picks up the cord to the phone, which has the phone ripped out)
Zeus Carver: Sir, please. I need to use that phone.
Businessman (Station): Hey, listen, bro, I was here first.
Zeus Carver: "Bro"? (Yells) Get away from the goddamn phone!
Transit Cop (Played by Scott Nicholson): (Points his gun at Zeus) Get your hands up!
"Aw, for fuck's sake!" Sean yelled out.
Zeus Carver: I have to answer that phone.
Transit Cop: Just shut up and get 'em in the air!
Zeus Carver: I have to answer that phone.
Transit Cop: Get 'em up!
Zeus Carver: Look, if you have to shoot me… then you go ahead and you shoot me! But I have to answer this phone!
"Years later, The Incredibles will pay homage to that scene, which ends with Fro-Zone freezing the cop. So, how incredibly awesome was it for them to reference that in the movie?" Sean asked.
Sean's phone starts ringing as he picks up the phone to answer the phone.
"That was a bad pun. Don't ever do that again." Simon said.
"Sorry, Simon. I couldn't help it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) While all this is going down, John finds the bomb and saves the train just in time as we're treated to one of the best movie explosions ever. Also, I would like to point out that this stunt was performed for real and it was actually a dangerous endeavor. Kudos to the stuntpeople and the extras, they deserve gold stars for making this memorable and exciting scene. Anyway, our heroes survive the explosion and they are questioned by some government guys. Agent Cross from the F.B.I., played by Charles Dumas, and Jarvis, played by Michael Cristofer, he's from…
Jarvis (Played by Michael Cristofer): I'm, uh, with another agency.
"Some other form of agency. He must've been from the Bonfire of the Vanities agency." Sean said, referencing the actor's screenwriting credit.
Sean: (Narrating) …they inform the trio on who's behind this game. This guy Simon is Peter Krieg, who's real name is Simon Peter Gruber, and he's the brother of an old foe from McClane's past.
Mystery Man: Peter Krieg… was born Simon Peter Gruber. He's Hans Gruber's brother.
(A clip from Robot Chicken is shown)
M. Night Shyamalan (Voiced by Seth Green): What a twist!
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, Simon has targeted McClane for the death of his brother and since the FBI aren't doing jack to help progress the plot, so he calls them to tell them that he has planted a ton of explosives in a random school, so they better hurry and find if. Which means don't use your radios or evacuate the city because Simon will detonate the bomb. So, McClane and Zeus have to complete all tasks on foot. And Simon says get him a Baconator with large fries and a large chocolate Frosty from Wendys.
"I didn't say that." Simon said.
"I know. It was just a joke. But the rest is true. It's just that… I really want a Baconator from Wendys." Sean said.
(We see Simon, who is seen on a rooftop near the subway station watching as everybody scrambles)
Simon Gruber (Played by Jeremy Irons): They bought it. You can begin./Hook… line… and sinker.
Sean: (Narrating) Jeremy Irons plays Simon Gruber, and as much as I love the late Alan Rickman's legendary performance as Hans Gruber in the first film, he's the proper follow-up to Rickman's character. His nuanced performance and sinister voice expertly makes this unseen villain seem more developed and engaging. Hell, when I watched this movie when I was like 8 years old, he was awesome. Also, he's the same guy who voiced Scar from The Lion King. You know your movie is going to be really good when you put Jeremy Irons in it. This guy won an Oscar for his performance in the movie Reversal of Fortune. (The poster for the movie Dungeons & Dragons is shown and a picture of Jeremy Irons as the character Profion is shown) Yeah, we'll get to that laughably bad performance when I review that movie later on. Trust me.
(A clip from Dungeons & Dragons is shown)
Profion (Played by Jeremy Irons): LET THEIR BLOOD RAIN FROM THE SKY!
Sean: (Narrating) You know, I would love to listen to Jeremy Irons reading smutty fanfics. Just imagine listening to his voice when he reads like a fanfic involving Alex Russo and Freddie Benson. It would make the story very good.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We open with Sean, as he is seen sitting in his office drinking a cup of coffee while listening to a Wizards of Waverly Place/iCarly crossover fanfic on his Amazon Kindle tablet)
Sean: (V/O as Jeremy Irons) Freddie held Alex tightly in his arms, his lips pressed against her soft, pouty lips as their flames of desire ignite for each other. He pushed her against the wall as his hand made its way inside her pants, finding her soaking wet…
(Sean immediately removes his earbuds from out of his ears)
Sean: Wow! I mean… damn! Irons knows how to get a woman turned on with his voice. No wonder Taylor listens to this stuff. (Smiles naughtily) I must listen to some more!
(Sean puts his earbuds back in as he continues to listen to the story)
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Wanda Shepard (Played by Phyllis Yvvone Stickney): Sergeant Turley! Sergeant Turley! In the last five minutes, the volume in calls in here has tripled! What the hell is goin' on?
Sgt. John Turley (Played by J.R. Horne): Stop. Let me explain. For the rest of the day, we're supposed to handle the department's communications.
Wanda Shepard: What do you mean "handle"?
Sgt. John Turley: They're shutting down the police band. All calls will be coming through this switchboard.
Wanda Shepard: And I'm gonna marry Donald Trump!
"Right, lady. And I'm gonna marry Catherine Taber." Sean said in a sarcastic tone.
Sean: (Narrating) And now… the fun begins. We see that Simon and his men step into action as they arrive with dozens of dump trucks. Don't worry, we'll get to that later.
Simon Gruber: (In an American accent) Detective. Bob Thompson. City Engineer's Office. We'd like to get an idea of the damage.
Ricky Walsh: Man, you guys really got here fast.
Simon Gruber: Well, it's Wall Street, sir. A lot of money here. A lot of opinion makers the mayor doesn't wanna piss off, you know?
"Okay, so we have Jeremy Irons, who is British and he's playing a German pretending to be an American. Now, where have I seen this before? Oh, right. Die Hard did that with Alan Rickman." Sean said.
(A clip from Die Hard is shown)
Hans Gruber (Played by Alan Rickman): (In an American accent) Please God! No, you're one of them!
"It's like having a guy who's Italian pretending to be a Native American." Sean said. "Oh, wait. That did happen."
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Simon's men head down into the subway and they manage to knock out two of the cops and one of Targo's thugs named Otto, played by Richard Council, kills Ricky and he takes his badge while Simon, who's now pretending to be Swedish, infiltrate the Federal Reserve. Now, let's introduce two more members of Simon's team. You have Mathias Targo, played by Nick Wyman. Targo was a former Hungarian Army bomb expert turned contract-terrorist who often works with the Iranians. Then you have the mute Bulgarian blonde named Katya, played by Sam Phillips.
"And for those of you who don't know who she is, she's a singer-songwriter who's known for this song." Sean said.
(Footage of the music video "Holding On To The Earth" by Sam Phillips is shown)
Security Guard: Stay back!
(The guard starts shooting at Simon and his men
Security Guard: Stay back!
(Unknown to the guard, Katya sneaks up on him very stealthily and pulls out a knife while he is busy shooting at them. Then, Katya viciously kills the guard by slashing his throat twice and stabs him twice. She gets ready to stab the guard for the third time until Simon stops her)
Simon Gruber: I think he's dead, my dear.
"Fun fact: Sam Phillips said that the sequence where Katya uses a knife to slice up the security guard until he was dead was hard for her to film. Hell, she also admitted that it became easier when she noticed the actor playing the guard looked sorta liked Rush Limbaugh. Hell, don't we all wish that we want to stab Rush Limbaugh right about now? Hell, I want to punch Rush Limbaugh right in the face. Let me go on his show and pop him right in the kisser. I'll do it." Sean said until his phone starts ringing again before he answers it. "Hello?"
"Uh, Sean. I hate to break the news to you, but Rush Limbaugh died last year from lung cancer." Brian said on the other line.
"He did?" Sean asked.
"Yeah." Brian said.
"Oh. Well, thanks for informing me about Rush Limbaugh." Sean said as he ends the call before turning his attention to the camera. "Well, I've been informed by my friend Brian that Rush Limbaugh died last year…. HALLELUJAH! Suck it, Limbaugh! I hope that you're burning in Hell, you fat prick!"
Sean immediately starts dancing in joy while the song "Celebration" by Kool & The Gang starts playing in the background.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, while the NYPD's busy losing their shit, Simon and his men steal the gold from the Federal Reserve, no wonder the price of gold is going down in this country. Meanwhile, McClane and Zeus arrive to their next destination to solve their next riddle.
Simon Gruber: (On the phone) What has four legs and is always ready to travel?
Lt. John McClane: Huh? What…
(Simon hangs up)
Zeus Carver: What'd he say?
Lt. John McClane: What has four legs and is always ready to travel?
Zeus Carver: What's the matter with you? Don't you have kids?
"Does my cat Riley count?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Turns out it's an elephant joke and they find the bomb at a fountain with an elephant statue and their next task is pretty complicated when Johnny Boy opens the case and turns the bomb on. So, they got to grab the two jugs and fill one of them with four gallons of water and place it on the scale which will disarm the bomb. Then, McClane and Zeus tussle a bit about race.
(The song "Ebony & Ivory" starts playing in the background once more)
Lt. John McClane: Gimme the jug or I'm gonna put my foot up your ass, you dumb mother…
Zeus Carver: Say it! Say it! You were gonna call me a n****, weren't you?
Lt. John McClane: No, I wasn't!
Zeus Carver: Yes, you were. What were you gonna call me?
Lt. John McClane: Asshole! How's that? Asshole! You got some fuckin' problem with me 'cause I'm white, Zeus? Is that it? Huh? Have I oppressed you? Have I oppressed your people somehow? I'll tell you what your problem is. You don't like me 'cause you're a racist!
Zeus Carver: What?
Lt. John McClane: You don't like me 'cause I'm white.
"Guys, come on! Cool it! You're white, he's black! Can't you two just get along and stop all this nonsense about race! In the words of Rodney King, can we all just get along? Can we all just stop making it hard for the older people and the kids?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) But then, McClane and Zeus put their petty differences aside and they prove that ebony and ivory can work together in perfect harmony as they successfully disarm the bomb after solving the task. Then Simon calls up McClane while he is busy cleaning out the Reserve and gives them their next task.
Simon Gruber: You will find an envelope under the rim of the fountain. When you undertake the trip it suggests, ask yourself this question: What is 21 out of 42?
(Simon ends the call)
"Come on, its 50%." Sean said.
"That's good, Sean. I'm glad that you've answered the question. Now, I have a task for you. Simon says to answer the door." Simon said.
"Answer the door? What?" Sean asked.
The doorbell rings as Sean turns his attention towards the front door as he gets up from off of the couch, cautiously making his way towards the door to unlock it and open it up.
"Sitting in front of you is a box from Amazon. Pick up the box and open it." Simon said.
"Look here, you sick bastard. I don't know what kind of game that you're playing but enough is enough! I am tired of these stupid games. If you're gonna kill me, then go ahead and kill me!" Sean yelled out.
"Oh, my dear boy. I'm not going to kill you yet. Simon says open the box." Simon said.
Sean heads back inside the house, closing the door behind him as he sits the box down on the coffee table. The young critic grabs his blue box cutter to cut through the packaging tape on the box to open it. After cutting through the tape, Sean opens the box, his eyes widened in pure horror to find that it was a book.
"Oh… my… God…" Sean said.
He picks up the book from out of the box, revealing it to be Jamie Lynn Spears' memoir titled "Things I Should Have Said".
"Kill me. Go ahead and kill me. Have your sniper shoot me in the head. I don't care. End my life before I turn 30. But I will not, I will not read this trash from Jamie Lynn Spears. Look, I loved Jamie Lynn Spears and Zoey 101 back then but now, I just want to slap her in the face. Hell, she was a bully towards Alexa Nikolas!" Sean exclaimed.
"I don't want you to read it. I want you to burn it." Simon said.
"What is this, Germany? You want me to burn Jamie Lynn Spears' memoir? Doesn't that seem a little too extreme?" Sean asked. "Look, I'm all for celebrity bashing and all that but I can't! I can't do that to Jamie Lynn. I'm a nice guy. I can't do that to her. She's been through a lot in her life, her daughter had a near-fatal accident. Can you just let me call Machine Gun Kelly and tell him that I despise him and Megan Fox's relationship and I hope that their marriage lasts for a year? I mean, who cares about those two idiots?"
"Think about Britney, Sean. Think about Britney." Simon said.
Sean sighed a bit as he contemplates on his next action. "Well, I'm gonna go to Hell for this one. Excuse me, I have to go out in the cold to turn the grill on so I can do some book burning. Sorry, Jamie Lynn."
Sean: (Narrating) McClane and Zeus' next task is to go down to Yankee Stadium, but they come across some juvenile delinquents who want to go to jail for stealing some Cheetos and a bag of Ruffles and that little brat ends up cracking the case when he drops this little clue.
Kid: It's Christmas. You could steal City Hall!
"Hey, watch out! I'm walkin' here! I'm walkin' here! Forget about it!" Sean said in a Brooklyn accent.
Sean: (Narrating) McClane and Zeus come across a dump truck and they head back to Wall Street, where they go split up once more with Nick Fury dropping off the bomb to the terrorists who are disguised as cops while Hudson Hawk enters the Federal Reserve as he enters the elevator with the terrorists dressed as the guards and he recognizes the badge that Otto is wearing and thankfully, John notices Ricky's badge number…
Detective Ricky Walsh: 6991 every week.
Sean: (Narrating) …and McClane takes a page from Captain America.
(A clip from Captain America: The Winter Soldier is shown)
Steve Rogers/Captain America (Played by Chris Evans): Before we get started, does anyone want to get out?
(McClane kills two of the terrorists while he pins the other to the wall while Otto points his gun at him)
Lt. John McClane: Put that fuckin' gun down! Put the fuckin' gun down now!
(John headbutts the terrorist to death while Otto shouts in German)
Lt. John McClane: Put it down!
(McClane moves away as Otto fires his gun. McClane lunges forward and pulls the trigger, killing Otto instantly)
(A clip from Captain America: The First Avenger is shown)
Steve Rogers/Captain America: I can do this all day.
Sean: (Narrating) McClane and Zeus meet up as they learn that this was a heist this whole time. And the two of them solve the million dollar question and trying their best to get the escaping trucks. Meanwhile, Simon calls up a radio station to reveal the school bomb scheme which causes a slight panic. Anyway, McClane and Zeus are busy looking for the dump trucks until they see one of them, then McClane pull this little maneuver.
Lt. John McClane: This thing got air bags?
Zeus Carver: Your side does. I don't know about my…
(Zeus gives McClane a look before we cut to McClane crashing through the wall of the highway)
Zeus Carver: (Yells) McClane!
We cut back to Sean, who breaks down in laughter from hearing Zeus yelling out McClane's name.
"Oh, my God. I always get a laugh from hearing Zeus shout "McClane", it's like the funnies thing ever. Hell, he did it back in the scene where McClane was driving a taxi."
Zeus Carver: McClane!
"Hell, if you want me to be this silly, I should do this." Sean said.
Lt. John McClane: Put your hands up! Put your fuckin' hands up now!
Zeus Carver: No, no, John! No, no, God, it's me!
(The scene cuts to black as we hear the sound of gunfire and Zeus screaming)
Zeus Carver: McClane!
Sean: (Narrating) McClane manages to stop the dump truck and he hitches a ride with a driver named Jerry Parks, played by Joe Zaloom respectively, who's such a nice, stand-up guy and I've got to mention him. So, McClane and Zeus split up again with Zeus heading up to Yankee Stadium while McClane is driving with Jerry in the aqueduct and he gives him this nice little speech.
Jerry Parks (Played by Joe Zaloom): 480 yards of rock moved so far. Now, that's 10 times the Hoover Dam. Right now, there's 516 feet of rock above our heads. This part is phase three of tunnel three. Planning for it began back in 1954 but construction didn't begin till June of 1970. You know what the most interesting part of tunnel three is?
Lt. John McClane: What's that, Jerry?
Jerry Parks: The valves.
"I had to add that part in. It's just a little learning experience from that guy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) McClane and Jerry come across another dump truck and McClane disguises himself as a truck driver to take out the two goons in the truck.
Lt. John McClane: Hell, fellas. Mickey O'Brien, aqueduct security. Hey, listen, we got a report of a guy comin' through here with eight reindeer…
(McClane guns down two of the goons in the dump truck, killing them both)
Lt. John McClane: Yeah, they said he was a… jolly, old, fat guy with a snowy white beard. Cute little red-and-white suit. I'm surprised you didn't see him.
"He goes "ho-ho-ho" and he's played by Mickey Rooney." Sean said, imitating McClane.
Jerry Parks: (Sees the dead body) Holy shit! Is that guy dead?
"No, he's just having an erotic dream about having a threesome with Miranda Cosgrove and Selena Gomez. OF COURSE HE'S DEAD, YOU IDIOT!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) McClane sends Jerry off to contact Inspector Cobb to tell him to find out who the 21st president was. But then Jerry drops some presidential knowledge.
Jerry Parks: Chester A. Arthur.
Lt. John McClane: What?
Jerry Parks: Chester A. Arthur. 1881 to 1885. Nominated Vice President in 1880. Did you know he was a collector of customs right here in New York?
"Kids, remember when you learn who the 21st president was, you tell them that you learned it from watching the movie and listening to Jerry's presidential knowledge. Thanks, Jerry." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Zeus, he arrives at Yankee Stadium, where he finds a little game with a little message on the bottom that says "game over", realizing that it's a trap while a sniper is waiting to shoot him. But they don't kill him just yet. Anyway, Inspector Cobb and his men arrive at Chester A. Arthur Public School to look for the bomb while John sends a little message to Simon.
Lt. John McClane: Attention! Attention! Nils is dead. I repeat, Nils is dead, fuck-head. So's his pal. And those four guys from the East German All-Stars, your boys down at the bank they're gonna be a little late.
Simon Gruber: John. In the back of the truck you're driving, there's $13 billion worth in gold bullion. I wonder, would a deal be out of the question?
Lt. John McClane: Yeah, I got a deal for you. Crawl out from under that rock you're hiding under and I'll drive this truck up your ass.
Simon Gruber: How colorful.
"Man, that's one image that I do not want to picture in my mind." Sean said.
Mathias Targo (Played by Nick Wyman): I told you not to toy with him!
Simon Gruber: Thank you. That's very helpful.
Mathias Targo: You've jeopardized the mission and the contract! (Speaks in German) We are vulnerable till we reach the ship. I'm going to put an end to this.
"I am the king, I can do whatever I want!" Sean said, imitating Simon Gruber.
Sean: (Narrating) But Simon has a plan to kill McClane by blowing up the dam and to wash the McClane out. So, Joe Hallenbeck hops on top of the truck just to ride the wave.
(The song "Wipeout" by The Surfaris starts playing in the background while McClane is on top of the dump truck until he grabs onto the vent grate until he flies out with Zeus driving past and noticing)
"Damn! This turned into Splash Mountain on steroids!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) McClane and Zeus meet up until Simon's goons tries to kill them both and they bolt on outta there. Meanwhile at the school, Bertram finds the tank , so the cops quietly try to evacuate. Hell, the only ones to question this suspicious event are Zeus' nephews.
Dexter: Fire drill, my ass! That guy ain't from the fire department.
Raymond: Maybe it's 'cause of the radio.
Dexter: You mean like they're after us? Nah.
Raymond: Tony squealed on us.
Dexter: No, he didn't.
"Well, it depends. Only one of you will appear in A Good Day to Die Hard." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, McClane and Zeus are getting chased and shot at by the German schnitzels and John manages to take them out in an awesome move. McClane then loots the corpse only to find ten quarters which is for the toll on the bridge.
(The camera zooms in on the cargo ship)
Zeus Carver: There, there! Down on the wharf!
Sean chuckles a bit from the dramatic zoom-in camera shot of the cargo ship.
"Man, this movie sure do love it's epic zoom-in shots doesn't it?" Sean asked.
(A montage of the camera zooming in on different shots in different scenes are shown while the track "Taxi Chase" by composer Michael Kamen plays in the background)
We cut back to Sean as the camera zooms in and hits the young critic in the head.
"Ow! Fuck! Damn camera zoom-ins. Back it up. Back it up." Sean said as he rubs his forehead.
Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, McClane and Zeus track down the trucks to a cargo ship and with some quick thinking and some Hollywood physics, they pull off this very dangerous stunt by using a truck's winch to lower themselves safely onto the ship.
(The truck's winch brings the truck down off of the bridge, which also brings McClane and Zeus down, causing the cable to cut the patrolling thug in half. McClane swings onto the crane, but then Zeus falls which brings McClane down too as they both land painfully on the ship)
"Oooh. I don't care what universe you're from, that's gotta hurt!" Sean exclaimed as he winced a bit.
(A clip from Army of Darkness is shown)
Ash Williams (Played by Bruce Campbell): Ooh, that's gotta hurt!
"I just said that, Ash." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But before they go split up to find Simon and beat the code out of him, McClane shows Zeus on how to wield an MP5K.
Lt. John McClane: Just yank back on that and pull the trigger.
(Zeus yanks back on the bolt carrier)
Lt. John McClane: That's it.
Zeus Carver: That's it?
"Just yank back on that and pull the trigger." Sean said, imitating McClane once more before speaking in his normal voice. "Wow, can you put that in layman's terms, please? Man, this is just like showing Ernest P. Worrell on how to use a machine gun."
(A clip from Ernest's 'Machine Gun' is shown)
(Ernest accidentally pulls the trigger on the Sten Mark II submachine gun, shooting up the house)
Sean: (Narrating) McClane and Zeus once again split up, only for Zeus to come across Simon and with Samuel L. Jackson being Samuel L. Jackson, threatens Simon for the code.
Zeus Carver: You call in that code right now or I blow your sick ass into the next world.
Simon Gruber: If that's what you gotta do.
(Zeus pulls the trigger, but the gun doesn't go off as the hammer clicks. Simon takes a bite out of his hard-boiled egg and grabs the gun from Zeus as he takes the safety catch off)
Simon Gruber: You gotta take the safety catch off.
(Simon shoots Zeus in the legs)
Zeus Carver: (Screams) Oh, goddamn!
"And that's how you use an MP5K submachine gun. Thanks for that little lesson, McClane." Sean said.
(McClane is in the cargo bay as he comes across one of the German thugs, who ends up shouting in German. McClane shoots him)
Sean: (V/O as German thug) Aaah! Sauerkraut!
Lt. John McClane: What as that?
(McClane gets kicked in the face by Targo)
Mathias Targo: He said, "Don't shoot."
Sean: (Narrating) McClane dukes it out with Targo, where he gets gallons of blood beaten out of him. But McClane manages to come out strong by beating down Targo.
Lt. John McClane: (While beating down Targo) You ever see that show called The Addams Family? They got a motherfucker on there called Lurch. You don't think I'm gonna let you get to that gun, do ya?
"You ever see that show called iCarly? They got this smokin' hot busty blonde named Sam. I'm gonna beat you like she beats people up with her butter sock!" Sean exclaimed imitating McClane.
Sean: (Narrating) And this is where things get really intense when the clock nears zero, Charlie refuses to give up disarming the bomb. And to top it all off, there are children still trapped in the school as Connie and Lambert run inside to get the children out, but they couldn't jump to the next building because it is too far. But then, it leads to a great fake-out.
(While trying to cut the wire, red liquid sprays on him. When the timer reached zero, the device didn't detonate)
Charles Weiss: Pancake syrup.
"Pancake syrup? It kinda looks like that you were in a horror movie. Also, remind me to never go out to the New York IHOP." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Actually, it turns out that the bomb in the school was a fake. The real bomb is on the ship and him and Simon meet face to face and to share a laugh with each other)
(McClane laughs)
Simon Gruber: (Chuckling) Oh, God, I love this country.
Lt. John McClane: You know, your brother was an asshole.
(Simon stays silent for a bit before laughing)
Lt. John McClane: He really was an asshole.
Simon Gruber: (Laughs) He was- He was an asshole. You got his number, yeah.
"Hey! No need to talk bad about Mufasa. What did he ever do to you?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Simon sends a message to the Coast Guard by announcing to the world his intention to end the West's stranglehold on the world economy, consigning the balance of humanity to economic starvation and blowing up the gold aboard the ship.
Zeus Carver: You're gonna blow it all up?
Simon Gruber: That's the idea. There are some gentlemen in the Middle East who seem to think that they'll make a great deal of money. (To Katya) See the men safely off the ship, and I'll see you in the portside launch.
Zeus Carver: What the hell's all this got to do with killin' McClane?
Simon Gruber: Life has its little bonuses.
Zeus Carver: Didn't I hear you say you didn't even like your brother?
Simon Gruber: There's a difference between not liking one's brother and not caring when some dumb Irish flatfoot drops him out of a window.
"Hey, hey, hey! You can offend Zeus by calling him the "ebony samaritan", but you leave the Irish out of this, buddy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But before Claus von Bulow says "auf wiedersehen" to our heroes, David Addison has one small request for him before he dies.
Lt. John McClane: You got any aspirins? I've had a bad fuckin' headache all day long.
Simon Gruber: (Chuckles) Must be your lucky day.
(Simon tosses the bottle of aspirins over to McClane)
"Jokes on him, I gave him a bottle of Advil." Sean said, imitating Simon.
Sean: (Narrating) But before Simon and his men could leave, a still-standing Targo arrives with some scrap metal as he confronts Simon about the gold.
Mathias Targo: He's betrayed us. The containers are filled with that.
(Shows Katya a piece of scrap metal)
"Look who's talking, assface! You're a thief too." Sean said.
(A clip from Planes, Trains and Automobiles is shown)
New York Lawyer (Played by Nick Wyman): Close. I'm an attorney.
Sean: (Narrating) Katya gets ready to shoot Simon, but she ends up killing Targo instead. Meanwhile, McClane tells Zeus the biggest plot twist in the movie, letting him know that there's no gold on the boat, just scrap metal. Gruber was just pulling a Gruber all along. So, McClane pulls a spare piece of shrapnel from out of his arm, allowing Zeus to pick the lock, in which he does. And after McClane and Zeus do a little bro bonding as they successfully pick the lock and the two of them escape before the bomb goes off.
(McClane and Zeus jump off of the ship as the bomb explodes)
Sean: (Narrating) McClane and Zeus manage to make it out of there alive, but the bad guys are gone with the gold and after a little clue on the aspirin bottle is from a specific truck stop and that truck stop is where Simon and his goons are having their big bad villain party and that's their base of operations.
(A clip from Road House is shown)
Dalton (Played by Patrick Swayze): You're too stupid to have a good time!
(We cut to Simon and Katya making out in the other room)
Sean: (V/O as Simon) Babe, in the words of my character from The Lion King… (Sings) Be prepared!
(Simon and Katya start to have sex until a helicopter arrives to interrupt them and Simon sees the helicopter and the police)
Lt. John McClane: (Over the loudspeaker) Hey, dickhead, did I come at a bad time?
"Well, this is embarrassing. I didn't mean to cum that fast." Sean said, imitating Simon.
Sean: (Narrating) This results in panic as Simon's men start driving out, but that's not important because we have an air-to-air combat duel between McClane and Simon, in which Simon shoots down the helicopter with a friggin' machine gun. And with McClane armed with only a pocket revolver and only two bullets left, in this game of revenge you better dig two graves, one for your enemies and one for Die Hard 5.
"Wait, is that the saying? I'm not sure." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Well, we're running out of time and it's time for McClane to take out the Gruber family bloodline once more.
Lt. John McClane: Say hello to your brother.
(McClane shoots at the power line)
Simon Gruber: Get out of here!
(Katya flies off as the power line hits the helicopter and destroys it, killing both Simon and Katya)
Lt. John McClane: Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker.
Sean: (Narrating) Therefore, happy ending! Simon is dead, the terrorists are arrested off-screen and Zeus convinces John to call Holly and the two of them somehow get back together… until they divorce in the fourth film.
"Now, as much as I love this thrilling scene, this ending feels a bit rushed and out of place with them rushing over to Canada to get the bad guys." Sean said.
"Why don't you tell them about the alternate ending?" Simon asked, who is now seen standing in Sean's living room.
"What alternate ending? I don't remember an alternate ending to the movie." Sean said.
"Oh, how quickly you forget. Maybe this will jog your memory." Simon says as he pulls out a bazooka.
"What is that?" Sean asked.
"This is a bazooka. We're going to play a little game with this bazooka… and that game is…" Simon said.
"Russian roulette! Oh, God!" Sean yelled out.
(The alternate ending to Die Hard With a Vengeance is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, the ending that we just saw was a reshoot. Now, this is the alternate ending to the movie, in which the bad guys win and McClane tracks him down after Simon double-crosses his cohorts and Katya. And they play a little game called "McClane Says", in the form of Russian Roulette with a small Chinese rocket launcher with the sights removed, meaning it cannot be determined which end is which. And the results… not too pretty.
(Simon fires the rocket, which hits him, killing him)
Sean: (Narrating) This was eventually changed because it made John seemed cruel and menacing. But you know what, I liked that ending because it showed that the events in New York and the repercussion have tilted him psychologically.
"There was also another alternate ending in which McClane and Zeus are on a makeshift raft as they float back to shore after the explosion at sea and the scene shifts to the terrorists on the plane and they find the briefcase bomb, which blows them up and the movie ends on a darkly comical note. That scene wasn't filmed but I wished it was so that way I could see it. Anyway, so that was Die Hard With a Vengeance and it rocks."
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) Man, talk about a thrillride cranked up to 100. Every scene and setup works really love and the pacing is done really well. The larger scale also adds a lot too. We went from a man against the odds done twice and instead of trying that again, they go all out in the big city. The subway explosion and taxi sequences are my favorite to watch. Bruce Willis is awesome as always, Samuel L. Jackson is impressive and taking a Malcolm X-inspired look and reading about the man, he's a great addition to the cast and this is one of his best acting yet and Jeremy Irons steals the show as Simon Gruber. My only problem with the movie is the ending, it felt a little rushed and out of place by just blowing him up on the spot. Anyway, this is my favorite out of the series and it gets enjoyable every time I see and I can see why people say that this one is better than the original. Die Hard With a Vengeance is the best in the Die Hard franchise, coming in at 5 gold bars out of 5.
"And that's all for my review for today. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and…"
"Sean, aren't you forgetting about my little bomb underneath your couch?" Simon asked.
"Oh, yes. About that. Um, I realized that you put a bomb underneath my couch and I disarmed it during this review. Also, you entered my home and you threatened to kill me, so now it's curtains for you." Sean said as he presses a button in which Simon looks up, only to find an anvil falling from the ceiling until it lands on his head, killing him. "Anyway, I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time.
"Ouch." Simon said.
"Sean says shut up and die." Sean said.
"Okay." Simon said.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- McClane!
Whew, man did I have a heck of a time working on this review. But hey, the wait was worth it. So, what did you think of the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic and what did you think of the movie Die Hard With a Vengeance? I hope that you all enjoyed it. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean starts a new silly celebration, which means it's time for a new theme month. And that new theme month is Video Game Month and Sean kicks off Video Game Month with the 1994 film Street Fighter, a film often reviled by critics but Sean finds it to be so bad that he happens to enjoy it. For you, this new chapter will be in your notifications was the most important day of your life… but for me, it was a Tuesday. After the Street Fighter review, there's the Lara Croft: Tomb Raider review. So, feel free to review this chapter, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Also, here's a list of movies that I will be reviewing for Video Game Month:
Street Fighter
Lara Croft: Tomb Raider
Mortal Kombat (2021)
Mortal Kombat Legend: Battle of the Realms
Sonic the Hedgehog
Hope that you all are excited for me to review them. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.