The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and I am here to bring you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Video Game Month continues and it's time for another video game movie to be ripped apart when Sean and fellow critic Chad Knight look at a movie that's gotten mixed reviews from critics, but at least the movie gave us all the gory goodness. And that movie is Mortal Kombat, the 2021 reboot. Does it deserve a killer fatality from the two critics? Well tune in and find out. Here's the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Mortal Kombat is owned by Warner Bros. Pictures and New Line Cinema.
Video Game Month Part III: Mortal Kombat (2021)
(We cut to our Video Game Month intro. Instead of the intro being a parody of The Completionist intro, it's a parody of the Police Squad intro as the theme by Ira Newborn plays in the background. We cut to a shot of a police car driving through the streets of Cincinnati and the title "Video Game Month" followed by "In Color" is shown)
Announcer: Video Game Month. In Color.
(We cut to Sean as we see him driving to his house. He pulls up and parks in front of the house before he gets out of the car until someone takes a shot at him. The assailant hits Sean's car as the young critic pulls out his M1911 pistol and shoot at the assailant)
Announcer: Starring Sean J. Archer…
(The next scene cuts to Chad Knight as he enters his home before someone takes a shot at him with a machine gun. Chad ducks down while everybody in the house starts running, including Dexter and Hannah. Chad pulls out his Smith & Wesson Model 66 revolver and shoots at the assassin)
Announcer: Also starring Chad Knight…
(The next scene cuts to a presidential motorcade)
Announcer And Cal Flavel as John F. Kennedy…
(Lee Harvey Oswald takes a shot at President Kennedy, but misses. President Kennedy sees Oswald and pulls out his uzi and starts shooting at him while Jackie ducks down while the Secret Service agents join in and open fire on Oswald as well)
(The next scene cuts to the special guest star walking down the street while eating an ice cream cone)
Announcer: Tonight's special guest star Nathan Kress…
(A sniper shoots at Nathan, hitting him. Nathan clutches his chest and dies in an over-the-top fashion. Before he dies, Nathan signs an autographed photo of him and the iCarly cast to a fan. After that, we cut to an exterior shot of Sean's house followed by a text that reads "Mortal Kombat (2021)".)
Announcer: Tonight's episode: Dead Men Have No Souls.
We open with our favorite residential movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting on his couch. This time he is joined by fellow movie critic Chad Knight from Up All Night with Chad Knight, who is seen sitting next to Sean while drinking a cup of tea while Sean is drinking a cup of coffee with french vanilla cream in it. After sipping his coffee, Sean starts his introduction.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said.
"And I'm Chad Knight." Chad said.
"And welcome back to Video Game Month." Sean said. "When we talk about a good Mortal Kombat movie, what is one that pops into mind?"
(The poster for "Mortal Kombat: Annihilation" is shown)
"HAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Sean yelled out. "But seriously, the one that people talk about mostly is the first film."
(Clips from the 1995 film adaptation from Mortal Kombat is shown while the theme plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, that's the one that we all talk about. This is one of the better video game movies out there aside from Lara Croft: Tomb Raider. And this one came out a year after Street Fighter: The Movie.
Chad: (Narrating) Yeah, we all remember that movie for that awesome as hell theme song, the fight scenes, Johnny Cage's witty one-liners and for not having gore in it because the film was rated PG-13. I mean, come on! It's still an awesome movie.
"That is until someone in Hollywood wanted to reboot Mortal Kombat. And we all know how reboots work. Some work well…" Sean said.
"Some don't…" Chad said.
"While others get the same reaction that results in this answer." Sean said.
"Weeeeeeeeellllllllllll…" Sean and Chad both said.
(The title screen for the 2021 reboot of "Mortal Kombat" is shown, followed by clips from the movie while the track "Techno Syndrome 2021" by Benjamin Wallfisch plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters internationally on April 8th, 2021 and then in the United States on April 23rd, 2021 simultaneously in theaters and on HBO Max. As you all know that this movie is based on the hit video game franchise and it is a reboot of the Mortal Kombat film series.
Chad: (Narrating) The film is directed by Simon McQuoid, in his feature directorial debut and the story was written by Oren Uziel and Greg Russo. Russo also worked on the screenplay with Dave Callaham. The film is also produced by James Wan, who is best known for being the co-creator of the Saw and Insidious franchises, the creator of The Conjuring Universe and directing the DC Extended Universe film Aquaman, which stars Jason Momoa and that bitch Amber Heard.
"Hashtag "#fuckamberheard". Fire her from Aquaman 2 and cast Emilia Clarke. Us DC Universe fans don't like your ass! You malignant (beep)!" Sean exclaimed as Chad turned to him with a shocked look on his face.
"Dude!" Chad exclaimed.
"Hey, after what she's done to Johnny, I just want to strangle that bitch. The Mayhem Critic's got your back, Johnny. I've got your back." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, onto how the reboot began. After the failure of that abomination known as Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, a third Mortal Kombat was in development hell for a period of nearly two decades. That is until 2010 Warner Bros. Pictures and New Line Cinema began developing a new film with director Kevin Tancharoen at the helm from a script written by Uziel in the wake of their Mortal Kombat: Rebirth film. But in 2013, Tancharoen quit the film production. In 2015, James Wan signed on as the producer for the movie and the search for a director continues.
Chad: (Narrating) That is until Australian director Simon McQuoid came in and this guy was known for directing commercials. So, this is his big feature film debut.
Sean: (Narrating) So you got your director, your producer and your writers for the movie. And to add the icing on the cake: the movie got a glorious R-rating.
Chad: (Narrating) Wait a minute, an R-rated Mortal Kombat film where we get to see fatalities and hearing them cuss? Now, that's preposterous….
"No, wait. This is awesome!" Chad exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) So, the movie got released into theaters and on HBO Max simultaneously, which made this movie HBO Max's most-successful film launch to date. Try and beat that, Encanto. We Don't Talk About Bruno ain't got shit on this one.
Chad: (Narrating) There were some mixed responses from critics. Some liked it and some hated it and some that were in between.
"And since we're two critics getting ready to watch this movie, we're gonna bring you this review in all of it's gory goodness." Chad said.
"Better bring a poncho for this one, because it's gonna get bloody. This is Mortal Kombat… the 2021 version." Sean said.
(The movie begins as we see the new Warner Bros. logo followed by the New Line Cinema logo and the Atomic Monster logo)
Sean: (Narrating) We get the new WB logo transitioning to the New Line Cinema logo getting the icy touch followed by Black Manta shooting at some Hentai tentacles before we cut to a village in 17th century Japan, where we see that everything is peaceful for Hanzo Hasashi, played by Hiroyuki Sanada.
"Yeah, 17th century village in Japan and we see the guy who's gonna become Scorpion after his family gets killed by a certain Lin Kuei assassin. Do we need to go through Scorpion's origin story again?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Come on, now. I know how it's gonna go down. What is this, every Batman movie ever made where we get to see how Bruce Wayne became Batman?
Chad: (Narrating) The movie kindly lets us know that this is the Hanzo Hasashi Compound in the year 1617 in Japan.
Hanzo Hasashi (Played by Hiroyuki Sanada): (Speaks in Japanese to his wife Harumi) I am grateful… and blessed to be with you.
"Right, so how long until your village gets attacked and your family getting killed while you're busy getting buckets of water?" Chad asked while him and Sean check their watches.
(Harumi enters the compound to check on Satoshi and his baby sister)
Harumi Hasashi (Played by Yukiki Shinohara): (Speaks in Japanese) How can it be so cold in here? (To the baby) What's wrong little one? Is it too cold?
(A man screaming from outside is heard. Harumi and Satoshi look up and see one of the soldiers pinned against the sliding door and a sword impales him and the blade moves up and blood sprays all over the door)
"I guess when Hell freezes over. About time we see some bloodshed." Sean said.
Chad: (Narrating) So yeah, the compound gets attacked as the Shirai Ryu ninja clan get their asses handed to them by the Lin Kuei assassins and the best thing for Harumi and Satoshi to do is to hide the baby in the floor before the leader of the Lin Kuei assassins named Bi-Han, played by Joe Taslim, shows up to deal with them.
Bi-Han (Played by Joe Taslim): (Speaks Mandarin) He's not here? (Turns his attention to Harumi and speaks in Japanese) Where is Hanzo?
(Satoshi does not respond while Satoshi tries to fight him and gets into a fighting stance)
Bi-Han: (Speaks in Japanese to Satoshi) You learned that from your father?
"Nah, he learned that from watching 3 Ninjas too many times." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Hanzo hears his wife screaming in the distance as he runs to the compound to find his warriors killed and… I'm gonna take a lucky guess here, his wife and son are killed. (Sees that Harumi and Satoshi are killed, frozen by Bi-Han) Oh, what do you know? They got killed. (Sarcastically) What a surprise.
Chad: (Narrating) But then Lin Kuei assassins show up to ambush him and Hanzo gets ready to spill some blood.
(Hanzo fights some of the assassins and kills them in a brutal fashion. He stabs a Lin Kuei assassin in his back and stabs him on top of his head and blood spills out)
"And when we said that this movie is rated R, it's definitely rated R." Chad said.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, Hanzo immediately murders them all and he hunts down Bi-Han, who was busy meditating.
"Oh, great. Another asshole who meditates. You know, you're definitely lookin' to get your ass kicked, buddy." Sean said.
Bi-Han: (Speaks in Mandarin) The great warrior. Hanzo Hasashi. This day has been a long time coming… to end your bloodline. (Gets up from off of the rock) Your mighty clan… the Shirai Ryu… have been exterminated by me.
"Really? You don't say." Chad said in a sarcastic tone.
Hanzo Hasashi: (Speaks in Japanese) I may not understand your words… but I promise you this… I will kill you.
(Hanzo throws his harpoon at Bi-Han. Bi-Han dodges it as the harpoon hits the tree. Hanzo pulls the harpoon out and slashes Bi-Han in the face)
Chad: (V/O as Bi-Han) You cut me in the face.
Sean: (V/O as Hanzo) It's go time, bitch!
(Hanzo and Bi-Han fight)
Chad: (Narrating) Hanzo and Bi-Han duke it out with each other with some blood being spilt and I have to say that the fight scenes are pretty impressive. Hell, may I say that it's better than the original?
"Excuse you?" Sean asked.
"I said that the fight scenes in this one are better than the ones in the original." Chad said.
"You take that back. Take it back right now. The fight scenes in the original are better… except for MK: Annihilation. The fight scenes suck in that one." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Bi-Han gets the upper hand until Hanzo gives him his last dying words before he kills him.
(The baby is crying in the distance as a dying Hanzo struggles to get up)
Sean: (Narrating) Uh, yeah. Bi-Han. You could've at least checked to see if that guy is still alive instead of walking away. I mean, stabbing him isn't enough. You could've snapped his neck or ripped out his spine or give him the icicle in the mouth treatment to kill him all the way.
Bi-Han: (In English) For the Lin Kuei.
Chad: (V/O as Bi-Han) Should I just finish him off right now? Eh, screw it. I'll just leave him for dead.
(As Hanzo gets up, a sound clip from Monty Python and the Holy Grail plays in the background)
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't (Played by John Young): I'm not dead.
(A dying Hanzo heads back to the village to check on his baby, but struggles to make it inside as he crawls on the ground)
Chad: (Narrating) Hanzo dies, resulting in his soul being condemned to the Netherrealm and afterwards the thunder god Raiden, played by Tadanobu Asano, arrives. And I have to credit them for this, they did cast a Japanese actor to play him instead of a white guy.
"Yeah, Hogun from Thor is the perfect choice to play Raiden and I have to agree with you on this one. Well, yeah. They did cast the dude from Highlander as Raiden in the 1995 film." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Raiden finds Hanzo's surviving infant daughter and takes her to keep her safe. Afterwards, we get some text that kindly lets us know that the Earthrealm is on the verge of catastrophe and if it it loses one more tournament, then Outworld would invade and yada yada yada, ancient prophecy that foretells that a new group of champions will be united by the rise on Hanzo Hasashi's blood. We then cut to present day, where we're introduced to an MMA fighter by the name of Cole Young, played by Lewis Tan, who is preparing to fight his newest opponent.
"Wait, wait, wait… who the hell is Cole Young? He didn't appear in the video games. He sounds like an original character in a Mortal Kombat fanfiction." Chad said.
"Of course he didn't appear in the games. They've created him specifically for this movie." Sean said. "Remember that dude Art Lean in the 1995 film?"
"That Dave Chappelle-looking guy? Yeah." Chad said.
"Yeah, they're doing the same thing with Cole Young, they've created him for this movie." Sean said.
"There's like a million good-guy characters from Mortal Kombat, why are they making one up? Oh well, it is what it is." Chad said.
Referee (Played by David Field): You made it. Always rely on Cole Young, human punching bag.
Cole Young (Played by Lewis Tan): (Exhales) Who am I fighting?
Referee: Fighting? No, no, no, Cole. (Laughs) Fighting requires both attacking and defending, not just throwing punches. You should try it sometime.
(Cole glares at the referee)
Referee: All right, don't get sensitive. You fightin' Ramirez. Yeah, he's experienced, fast. Good fighter. Who's your cornerman?
(Cole turns to his daughter Emily)
Referee: (Laughing) What? You're fucking serious?
"Because really, who loves having their daughter watch the excessive bloodbath in the ring? Plus, the wife doesn't like to watch me fight. She hates this stuff." Chad said, imitating Cole.
Chad: (Narrating) We see that Cole is busy giving the people a good show when he fights Ramirez. He tries to get him to tap out, but Ramirez just wrecks him and he gets Cole to tap out. What a wuss. We then cut to Outworld, where we see the evil sorceror Shang Tsung, played by Chin Han, and he is aware of the prophecy.
Shang Tsung (Played by Chin Han): The prophecy is upon us, which means we could lose the tenth tournament.
Sub-Zero: There is no prophecy. Hanzo is a ghost. I killed him centuries ago.
Shang Tsung: Winning Mortal Kombat cannot be left to chance. There will be no tournament because there will be no opposition left to fight. We will already be victorious.
"Okay, is it just me or did they make Shang Tsung look like Rain from Big Trouble in Little China?" Sean asked.
(A picture of Shang Tsung is shown next to a picture of Rain from Big Trouble in Little China)
"Come to think of it, he does look like him. He could be a descendant of Shang Tsung." Chad said.
Shang Tsung: Go now and kill Earthrealm's champions… Bi-Han.
Sub-Zero: I am no longer Bi-Han. I am Sub-Zero.
"There is no Bi-Han, only Sub-Zero." Sean said, imitating Bi-Han.
(The next scene cuts to Cole washing his face. He exhales and looks at the mirror until Hanzo's spirit appears)
Hanzo Hasashi: Cole!
(Cole gasps and looks back)
Hanzo Hasashi: I am your blood.
(Cole looks at the mirror once more)
"I'm not sure what that was about. Maybe it was one of those comedic gags where you look at yourself in the mirror but then you see someone else." Chad said.
(The scene plays back and instead of Cole seeing Hanzo's spirit, he sees Kramer from Seinfeld)
Cosmo Kramer (Played by Michael Richards): Hey, buddy!
(Cole gasps)
Cosmo Kramer: I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman!
Sean: (Narrating) But hey, we take time to see what a loving father Cole is when his daughter Emily, played by Matilda Kimber, shows him her strength bracelet that she made.
Cole Young: Just made this?
Emily (Played by Matilda Kimber): Yeah.
Cole Young: That's pretty cool.
Emily: You want me to put it on?
(Emily puts the strength bracelet on Cole's wrist as Cole winces a bit)
Cole Young: My hand.
Emily: Now we got one each. You're sure you're okay?
Cole Young: Yeah. I guess I should have thrown the uppercut, huh?
(Jax appears and approaches Cole)
Jax (Played by Mechad Brooks): Cole Young. The man that took the belt from Eddie Tobias.
"Okay, you've gotta give them credit. That name "Eddie Tobias" is a reference to the game's creators Ed Boon and John Tobias. Nice touch there, movie." Sean said.
Chad: (Narrating) Jax, played by Mechad Brooks, approaches Cole and introduces himself and he tells him that he noticed that dragon tattoo and Emily tells him that her father was born with it. So, he shows Jax the birthmark of the dragon. A birthmark shaped exactly like an angry dragon face, framed by a perfect circle. But don't worry about that birthmark, more about that later, as we see Cole is spending some family time with Emily and his wife Allison, played by Laura Brent respectively.
"Okay, so how long until his family kicks the bucket?" Chad asked.
"Shhh!" Sean exclaimed.
Allison (Played by Laura Brent): How'd it go?
Emily: He was this close to beating him.
Allison: This close?
Cole Young: Close.
(Cole kisses Allison)
Allison: You sure you're okay?
Cole Young: Standing.
(Cut to Jax sitting in a car spying on Cole)
Sean: (Narrating) Jax spies on Cole and he mentions the mark on him, then all of a sudden it starts snowing… in July.
"Oh, God! This movie has turned into a Mortal Kombat: Christmas in July special." Sean said.
Chad: (Narrating) Sub-Zero arrives and starts raining down ice balls like it's a bad movie from SyFy, then Jax shows up and picks up Cole and his family and they make their escape.
Cole Young: (To Jax) What the fuck is that thing?
Jax: Funny, that didn't sound much like, "Thanks for saving my ass." Whatever that was back there, it's after both of us. (Lifts his shirt up to reveal the mark of the dragon) Look.
Cole Young: That's… that's impossible.
"Yeah. How could you possibly have the same birthmark as me? Are we related?" Chad asked, imitating Cole.
Jax: It's not a birthmark, Cole. Means you've been chosen.
Cole Young: Chosen? For what?
Jax: To fight.
Cole Young: You got the wrong person, all right? I'm not the fighter that I used to be, okay?
Jax: No shit. But they don't have the marking.
"Instead, they have the crappy as hell dragon tattoo from Mortal Kombat: Annihilation." Sean said, imitating Jax.
Sean: (Narrating) Jax deposits Cole and his family at an alley and he tells them to get to Gary, Indiana and find Sonya Blade, who can give him some important exposition. So Jax loads up with his trusty shotgun as the frosty menace lures him into a building to fight.
(Jax turns around and sees Sub-Zero. Jax blocks some of his punches with his shotgun, then fires his shotgun at him, but Sub-Zero freezes the pellets as they leave the gun)
Sean: (V/O as Sub-Zero) Ha, those projectiles designed to punch through walls and tear human beings in half are somehow easily by a half-inch of ice crystals! And now that I've disarmed you, I think I'll DISARM you!
(Sub-Zero grabs Jax's arms and freezes them. After he freezes them, he incapacitates Jax by shattering his arms)
"And just like that… Sub-Zero is another member in the "Rip Jax's Arms Off Club". He's joined by Ermac and Goro." Chad said.
Chad: (Narrating) Sub-Zero tosses Jax over a three-story ledge and yet he doesn't even bother to check to see if he's dead. Oh, I'm sure he'll be fine. Meanwhile, Cole drops Allison and Emily off at their home and he drives to Gary, Indiana. Back in Outworld, we're also introduced to another character named Mileena, played by Sisi Stringer. Oh, well. I hope that they made Mileena hot in this movie instead of giving her deformed facial features of the Tarkatan and wearing a veil… (Sees Mileena's appearance, in which she has the deformed facial features of the Tarkatan)
"OH, FUCK!" Chad yelled out with a horrified look on his face.
"Eh, I'll still bang her." Sean said.
"Wha… you want to have sex with Mileena? What the hell is wrong with you?!" Chad asked.
"I'd rather do her with the veil on her face. I don't want her to bite off Sean Jr. Besides, Mileena is pretty hot." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) She informs Shang Tsung that Sub-Zero has killed Jax…
"Again, he hasn't checked to see if he was still breathing." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) …but then she let's him know that Cole has escaped, so he wants her to have their assassins double their efforts and send in another one of their assassins to kill him. And speaking of Cole, he arrives in Gary, Indiana, where he meets Sonya Blade, played by Jessica McNamee.
Sonya Blade (Played by Jessica McNamee): What are you doing here?
Cole Young: Wait. I'm looking for Sonya Blade. Jax sent me.
Sonya Blade: Where is it?
Cole Young: Where's what?
"The secret plans to the Death Star. What do you think she's talking about?" Chad asked.
Chad: (Narrating) Cole shows Sonya the marking that he has and she takes him to her crappy white-trach bungalow and she shows him her top-secret room that looks like Jesse Ventura's wet dream.
Sonya Blade: First learned about this seven years ago. Jax and I were on a mission in Brazil to capture a wanted fugitive. When we got there, the target had superhuman abilities. Tore through our unit in seconds. The target had the same marking you do, Cole. When Jax finally took it down, the dragon marking transferred directly onto his skin. I've spent years trying to figure out what it all means. Seems that throughout history, different cultures all over the world, they reference a great tournament. But my research shows that there's realms and species that we didn't even know existed. That dragon marking, it signifies that you've been chosen to fight for Earth. It's an invitation to fight for something known as Mortal Kombat.
"MORTAL KOMBAT!" Sean shouts as Chad gives Sean a look.
"What the hell are you doing?" Chad asked.
"I'm shouting out "Mortal Kombat". You know, like in the song where the guy shouts "Mortal Kombat". Oh, don't look at me like that." Sean said.
"You are a weird man, Sean J. Archer. Come on, you could at least mention the photo of Nightwolf and the picture of the bust of Kotal Kahn." Chad said.
"Eh, who cares about these two?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Cole doesn't believe a word that Sonya said, thinking that she made it all up but she tries to convince him that she thinks there's another tournament coming and…
Kano (Played by Josh Lawson): I hate to interrupt your bullshit, blondie. Well, I gotta piss again.
Cole Young: What is this? You have a visitor?
Sonya Blade: Careful. He bites.
Chad: (Narrating) Cole finds the Australian mercenary Kano, played by Josh Lawson, that Sonya has captured. And I have to say that Kano is the best part of the movie. Hell, his job in this movie is to yammer obnoxiously on and on and on and it gets entertaining.
Cole Young: Who are you?
Sonya Blade: That's Kano.
Cole Young: Kano? Kano what?
Kano: Kano None-of-your-fuckin'-business!
Cole Young: Was that Russian?
Kano: Do I sound Russian to you, you fuckin' idiot?
Sonya Blade: He's a mercenary with the Black Dragon Clan. Arms dealer, drug runner, murder-for-hire, scum of the Earth.
Kano: I also give really good foot massages.
"Dan Schneider's not the only one who has a hard-on for feet." Chad said, imitating Kano.
Sean: (Narrating) Sonya informs Cole that Kano got his marking from another champion that she was tracking down and Kano brutally killed the guy by slitting his throat. Okay, what about Sonya? Does she have the marking?
Sonya Blade: I don't have one.
(Kano mimics sad trombone)
Sean: (Narrating) But enough about her sad story as the hideout gets attacked by a reptilian creature known as Syzoth…
"Uh, don't you mean Reptile?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) And they made Reptile into a literal reptile.
(Sonya shoots at Syzoth, hitting him which causes him to scratch Kano's face, making him scream in pain)
Chad: (V/O as Kano) OW! MY FACE!
(Sonya throws a couple of knives at Syzoth. Syzoth moves away and Sonya ends up throwing a knife at Kano's leg)
Kano: (Yells) What the fuck was that?
"That's for being the best part of the movie." Chad said.
(Syzoth is busy sneaking into the trailer)
Chad: (V/O as Syzoth) Heh heh. Looks like I've got the drop on those morons. I'm perfectly invisible with razor-sharp teeth. The Geico gecko ain't got shit on me.
(Syzoth gets the drop on Sonya and Cole and Cole tries to hit him)
Chad: (V/O as Syzoth) Ha ha! You can't see me, bitch.
(Syzoth hits Cole)
Chad: (Narrating) Kano frees himself with Syzoth's acid spit and he faces off with the creature with Cole and Sonya's help.
Sonya Blade: Knife.
(Cole throws the knife at Sonya and she catches it. She then lunges at Syzoth and stabs him in the chest with it. Syzoth hits her, then Kano yanks the knife out and punches the creature through it's chest and rips out it's heart.
Kano: Kano wins. (Chuckles and laughs) You fuckin' beauty.
"Okay, that's a straight-up fatality right there. Also, points to adding one of Kano's fatalities from the game." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After Sonya's hideout gets caught on fire and years of research burnt to a crisp, Cole believes Sonya and on top of all that Kano was busy looking at a couple of pieces of paper and he was able to instantly figure out and memorize the location of Raiden's Temple because he used to run guns through there. And we get more of Kano's witty banter with Sonya.
Sonya Blade: Where is it?
Kano: Uh, you got a pen? You wanna write this down? "Get fucked." As if I'm gonna help you. You kidnapped me. You tied me up. You threw a knife in my fucking leg on purpose! And then, that lizard thing took off half of my face. Lucky for me, you can hardly notice it. So, yeah, it's a hard pass for me on the "helping you" thing. Now, get out of me fucking way.
Sonya Blade: Okay.
"Well, that was easy. To hell with him. I guess it's just Sonya and Cole working together…" Chad said.
Sonya Blade: Two million.
(Kano laughs)
Kano: That's good. You live in this shithole, and you got two million dollars? Pig's arse.
Sonya Blade: I have lived here my whole life, you piece of shit. You watch your mouth. Two million dollars.
"Or just offer him two million dollars just for him to show you where Raiden's Temple is at." Chad said.
Chad: (Narrating) Kano ups the price to three million, and also he wants to rob the temple because he wants to be a greedy fuck like Daffy Duck. And Sonya agrees. Hell, sucks to be Kano, because she doesn't have three million dollars. So, our heroes head off to find Raiden's Temple and only for Kano to screw with Sonya.
Kano: Are you jealous, girly? Of me little marking? Hey! I'm talking to you. (Pushes Sonya) If you want it so much, all you've gotta do is kill me and take it. Ah, come on, what do you say? You wanna dance?
"Well, okay. If you insist. I hope that she snaps your neck, pal." Sean said.
(Sonya and Kano fight which ends with Sonya throwing him down on the ground and holds the knife at his throat)
Kano: Go on, then. Take it. You're so close. Just take it. Take it!
(A clip from The Simpsons is shown)
Sonic the Hedgehog (Voiced by Dan Castellaneta): (Running around) JUST TAKE IT! TAKE IT, TAKE IT, TAKE IT, TAKE IT, TAKE IT… TAKE IT!
(A clip from 101 Dalmatians is shown)
Cruella de Vil (Played by Glenn Close): TAKE IT!
(A clip from It is shown)
Pennywise (Played by Bill Skarsgard): Take it.
(Sonya doesn't kill Kano as she moves the knife away from his throat)
Sonya Blade: Nah.
Kano: Yeah, that's why you don't have one of these. 'Cause you don't have the mongrel in ya! (Laughs)
Sean: (Narrating) They continue to trek through the desert until they come across one of the current Earthrealm champs, Liu Kang played by Ludi Lin.
Kano: Okay, that's far enough, MC Hammer.
(A sound clip from the MC Hammer's "U Can't Touch This" plays in the background)
MC Hammer: Stop! Hammer time!
(Liu Kang shoots a fireball at Kano, which knocks him down)
"Man, Kano is too legit to quit." Chad said as a comedic rimshot plays in the background.
"Oh, Jesus." Sean laughs.
Liu Kang (Played by Ludi Lin): I'm Liu Kang from the Shaolin Order of Light.
Sonya Blade: You're one of the champions.
Liu Kang: Yes. From Earthrealm. Finally, you have come to seek out Raiden's Temple.
Kano: (Tutting) Fuck the Temple. Wait… You just shot a fireball outta your hand. How'd you do that?
(Liu stays silent)
Kano: Hang on. Hang the fuck on. Does that mean I'm going to get superpowers at any point? It does, doesn't it?
(Liu puts his hand on Kano's shoulder)
Liu Kang: There's much to learn.
Kano: (Confused) The fuck?
"Don't worry, I'll explain it to you later. It gets pretty stupid." Sean said.
"Wait, how stupid?" Chad asked as Sean puts his hand on his shoulder.
"There's much to learn." Sean said.
"The hell?" Chad asked, looking confused.
Chad: (Narrating) Liu leads our heroes to Raiden's Temple where they must train for the tournament before the Outworld baddies come for them because the fate of Earthrealm is in their hands, dammit. (Sees that Kano ends up stealing the Sacred Amulet of Shinnok) Uh, did that Shrimp on the Barbie just steal Shinnok's amulet? He did! Didn't anyone notice this?! What kind of idiots are you for not noticing him stealing Shinnok's amulet?
Liu Kang: The dragon has swallowed many before us. Now, put that back.
Kano: Put what back?
"Shinnok's amulet. Do you want your power increased drastically? Now, put it back." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Sonya finds Jax in the infirmary after he survives from having multiple limbs being ripped off and falling down several stories, smashing his face against every obstacle on his way down until he hits the pavement.
"Again: how the fuck is he not dead?!" Chad exclaimed.
Chad: (Narrating) Liu takes them to see Lord Raiden and he ends up berating them for a bit.
Raiden (Played by Tadanobu Asano): You are in no physical or mental shape to fight. You don't even have a marking.
Kano: Oi, hang on! What about me, Gandalf? What does my fortune cookie say?
(Raiden fires a lightning bolt at Kano, knocking him down)
Raiden: Powerless. Arrogant.
"And you will never learn when to keep your mouth shut." Sean said, imitating Raiden.
Raiden: The time has long passed. Our enemies have claimed nine straight victories. One more victory and Outworld will gain control over Earth forever. And Shang Tsung will enslave the entire human race.
Kano: (Coughs) Sorry, what'd I miss?
(The audience laughs)
"Who else but Kano?" Sean and Chad both said.
(Cut to a multi-colored background with Kano's head and his different expressions)
Singers: He's Kano. Kano. You never really know what he's gonna do next. He's Kano. Kano…
Kano: You fuckin' beauty.
Sean: (Narrating) So meanwhile, Liu Kang is busy meditating or holding fire in his hand, until he feels a sudden chill hitting his body as Sub-Zero makes his way inside Raiden's Temple and attacks Liu Kang until Liu's cousin Kung Lao, played by Max Huang, shows up as well as Shang Tsung and the Funky Bunch.
Shang Tsung: The time has come to end this. Take whatever trophies you desire, but their souls are mine.
Raiden: Silence!
(Raiden appears)
Shang Tsung: I have come to claim your world. You're too late, Raiden.
Raiden: It is forbidden to claim victory until the tournament begins.
"Yeah, those are the rules. You can't be breaking the rules like that." Sean said.
Shang Tsung: Kill them.
(Mileena and Sub-Zero get ready to kill them, but then Raiden slams his staff down on the ground as lightning hits the ground creating a shield)
Chad: (V/O as Shang Tsung) Or let's not kill them while they have a shield around them. Okay, let's get out of here. We'll kill them later.
(Shang Tsung, Sub-Zero and Mileena leave the temple)
Kano: All right. Just circling back on those superpowers. I think I get it now. It's kinda like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get. Is it gonna be fireballs? Is it gonna be lightning? Huh?
"Well, we don't know. Do you have any pop culture references to spew out? I'm sure you got either a Vanilla Ice reference in here somewhere." Chad said.
Kano: Could be shit. Could be a Frisbee hat, you know? No offense, whoever you are.
Kung Lao (Played by Max Huang): The name is Kung Lao, descendant of the Great Kung Lao, the Grand Champion of the Order of Light.
Kano: Never heard of him.
We cut back to Sean and Chad as they start chuckling a bit.
"God, I fucking love Kano in this movie. Come on, man. You know who Kung Lao is. He is the Sean Bean of Mortal Kombat." Sean said.
"Also, I thought that Liu Kang was the descendant of Kung Lao. Come on, movie. Make up your mind." Chad said.
Chad: (Narrating) And now it's time for their training as Liu Kang tells them that their inner power comes from their arcana, a gift from the marking of the dragon and the point of their training is to unlock that power…
"Wait, wait, wait. Arcana? They never mentioned "arcana" in the video games. They're just special moves! Why not call them that?! Jesus, it's like asking a character from Batman: The Animated Series what their arcana is. Yeah, imagine someone doing that shit." Sean said.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
Sean: (as Interviewer) Alright, you're a supervillain in Gotham City, what is your arcana?
Chad: (V/O as Joker) I make people die with a smile. (Laughs)
Sean: (V/O as Two-Face) I determine the fates of people with a flip of a coin.
Taylor: (V/O as Poison Ivy) I create killer mutant plants who would do my bidding.
Brian: (V/O as Riddler) I create riddles for Batman to solve.
Sean: (V/O as Phantasm): I appear and disappear in a cloud of smoke. Oh, and also, I murder mobsters in an elaborate way.
Brian: (V/O as Ra's Al Ghul) I use the Lazarus Pit so I could never die.
Taylor: (V/O as Harley Quinn) I'm a lesbian.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) Liu Kang shows them the fight pit so they can discover their arcana, so Cole and Kano enter the fight pit. As for Sonya, well she can't enter the fight pit because it's for chosen ones only.
Cole Young: Oh, hang on. We wouldn't be here without her. She's one of us.
Liu Kang: A fighter without a marking can never achieve their arcana. And a fighter without an arcana is a liability to the others.
Kano: (Points to Liu Kang) Yeah. Liability.
"Oh, bullshit! Just because she doesn't have the marking, she can't achieve her arcana. Man, how discriminating of these assholes." Chad said.
"Yeah, brag about your marking and have nothing to do with the none-marking ones and keep your snoots up. And while you're at it, why don't you all have frankfurter roasts and marshmallow toasts while you leave Sonya out in the cold. You know who you clowns remind me of? You remind me of the Star-Bellied Sneetches." Sean said.
(A clip from Dr. Seuss On the Loose is shown)
Star-Bellied Sneetches: (Sings) Twink, twink, twinkle, twinkle, lovely little star.
Little Sneetch: Twink, twink, twinkle, twinkle, stupid little star.
Chad: (Narrating) After being left out in the cold, Sonya hangs out in the infirmary with Jax as he wakes up, only to see that he has robot arms.
Jax: What happened?
"Well, let's see. Sub-Zero froze your arms and shattered them. Then, you fell several stories with your face hitting every obstacle. Christ, man! How are you not dead from that shit?!" Chad asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, we cut back to Cole and Kano as we see Cole is doing some training with Kung Lao to unlock his arcana while Liu Kang trains with Kano to make him unleash his arcana while Sonya helps Jax with his rehabilitation with his new arms and with some pep talk. And after some training, it's time for dinner as Sonya and Jax join our heroes and for Kano to make fun of Jax's arms.
Kano: No, those are great, mate. They make those in men's sizes? (Laughs and snaps at Kung Lao) Topknot! At the end. What's his name? Kung Pow? Pass us a fucking egg roll, would ya?
Kung Lao: (Speaks Mandarin to Liu Kang) I'll take this.
Kano: Your ears painted on, mate? Egg roll.
(Kung Lao grabs an egg roll and passes it to Kano)
Kano: There you go. Good boy.
(Kung Lao doesn't pass the egg roll over to Kano, instead he eats it)
"That's translated to, "Fuck your egg roll, bitch."." Sean said.
Kung Lao: Fat lazy pig.
Kano: What did you say?
Kung Lao: Terrible fighter. Zero skill.
Kano: You got a death wish, mate?
"Hey, Kung Lao. If you want to piss him off some more, just simply tell him that Crocodile Dundee sucks ass." Chad said.
"Or you could say Olivia Newton-John is a terrible singer." Sean said.
Kano: I got a better idea. How about you two get on your knees and take turns sucking my sack? Do you have any fucking idea who you're talking to? I'm wanted in over 35 countries for shit you fuckin' ballerinas couldn't even imagine.
"Ooh, I've got one. The U.K. is better than you pansies." Sean said.
(Kano unleashes his arcana by shooting a laser from his right eye at Kung Lao. Kung Lao grabs his hat and deflects the laser)
"Well, that worked." Chad said.
Chad: (Narrating) So yeah, Kano's arcana is a laser eye, which makes him exactly half as impressive as Cyclops from X-Men. As for Cole, he gets kicked across the floor a bunch of times without achieving anything. Also, Raiden berates him for failing to find his arcana, which makes him a liability to the others. Cole asks the Thunder God how come he's the only champion that had the marking since he was born and Raiden drops this little bombshell.
Raiden: Your marking comes from your lineage, Cole.
Cole Young: Lineage? I'm an orphan from the South Side of Chicago.
Raiden: You're a descendant of one of the greatest ninjas to ever walk the Earth.
"Sho Kosugi?" Sean asked as a picture of Sho Kosugi from the movie Revenge of the Ninja is shown.
Raiden: Hanzo Hasashi.
"Or him too." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Raiden tells Cole about Hanzo's backstory and that Hanzo descended into the Netherrealm and is endlessly searching for revenge and his bloodline lives on after Raiden rescued his only surviving child, his daughter. Also the Hasashi marking was passed down through Cole's ancestors and since he's a failure, Raiden tells him to go and be with his family. In other words, Cole pusses out to be with his family.
Chad: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Shang Tsung gathers his greatest warriors in like Nitara, played by Mel Jarnson. Then, you also have Kabal, played by Daniel Nelson and voiced by Damon Herriman and Reiko played by Nathan Jones.
Shang Tsung: My loyal warriors. Kabal. General Reiko. I have seen the so-called champions of Earthrealm and they're no match for all of you. We are on the precipice of victory and taking Earthrealm forever. But we must strike now. Raiden has prevented entry into his temple. I must find a way to bring his shield down in order to obliterate our opposition.
Kabal (Played by Daniel Nelson and voiced by Damon Herriman): I think I can help. Did you see a guy down there, complete fucking asshole, answers to Kano?
Shang Tsung: Kano?
Kabal: Yeah, he's the reason I live in an iron lung. He's a lowlife piece of shit scumbag. You're gonna love him.
"Yeah, he's the best part about this movie. We all love Kano." Chad said, imitating Kano.
Sean: (Narrating) And let's not forget about Shang Tsung's greatest fighter, the deadly Shokan warrior Prince Goro. We'll get to him later as for right now, we cut back to Raiden's Temple as Kano comes across his former ally.
Kabal: Well, well, well. You backstabbing, two-faced, ugly motherfucker.
(Kano chuckles)
Kano: Kabal.
Kabal: Hey, Kano, it's been a while.
Kano: You getting enough sleep, mate? Your eyes are a little redder than usual.
Kabal: You've got a big mouth for someone who's standing on the wrong side of the electric fence, tough guy.
"Well, they're happy to see each other." Sean said.
Chad: (Narrating) Kabal convinces Kano to defect to the other side because being evil has it's perks, plus he could have more money and be rich beyond his wildest dreams. Back with Cole, he notices something outside at his home and he goes to investigate. Then, we cut back to Raiden's Temple as we see Kano defecting to the dark side and brings down the shield with his eye laser and Shang Tsung and his warriors storm the temple.
Kano: You know the problem with these new lightning sticks? They just don't make 'em like they used to. (Chuckles) What, you didn't think you'd actually change me, did ya?
"Yeah, come on. You can't possibly make Kano a good guy. He'll always be the bad guy." Chad said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Cole, he comes across Goro, voiced by Angus Sampson, and he starts attacking Cole. So yeah, we get a fight scene of our heroes getting the everloving crap kicked out of them by the bad guys. But then Kung Lao fights Nitara and he does this move.
(Kung Lao kills Nitara by cutting her in half with his Razor-Rimmed Hat)
Kung Lao: Flawless victory.
"And that was a fatality too. And a very good one." Sean said.
(Cut back to Cole, as Goro gets ready to kill him)
Goro (Voiced by Angus Sampson) Now, I tear out your spine, champion!
Allison: Fuck this.
(Allison grabs an axe and hits Goro in the back with it. He growls in pain and hits Allison as Emily runs towards her)
Emily: Mom!
"Really, lady? You thought it was a great idea to attack a Shokan warrior with an axe. That's not that bright on your part." Chad said.
Chad: (Narrating) Cole sees Goro attacking his wife and daughter, and that awakens his arcana, which gives him some kind of string armor that glows orange from every hit and it gets sharp stick things on the arms and he uses it to kill Goro.
(Cole cuts off one of Goro's hands with his bladed tonfa, then slashes him open and finishes him off by slashing his throat and stabs in in the eye with the other tonfa that's not bladed, killing Goro)
"Dang, is there ever going to be a Mortal Kombat movie where Goro doesn't go down like a little punk?" Sean asked. "That's like the third time that we've seen him go down like a bitch."
Sean: (Narrating) Back at Raiden's Temple, Jax's arcana upgraded his prosthetic arms, which became stronger than ever and he frees Sonya from a giant rock. Raiden arrives and Cole returns to join the fight and Sub-Zero tries to kill him. But then Kung Lao arrives and did I mention that he's the Sean Bean of Mortal Kombat?
Shang Tsung: (To Kung Lao) Your soul is mine.
Kung Lao: (Screaming) Liu!
Kabal: He's about to get his soul sucked. I love the scream right before they…
(Liu punches Kabal and knocks him out)
"Ah, you know I love it when I get my soul sucked by Hannah every night in the bedroom. She loves the scream right before I…" Chad said.
"Not the type of soul sucking that he's talking about." Sean interrupts Chad.
"Then what is he talking about?" Chad asked.
(Shang Tsung starts sucking Kung Lao's soul from his body, killing him)
"Oooh, yikes." Chad said.
"Yeah." Sean said.
Chad: (Narrating) Raiden transports the remaining fighters to the Void, including Liu Kang after he witnessed the death of his cousin.
Liu Kang: If we were to die, it was supposed to be together.
Raiden: I am sorry, Liu Kang.
Liu Kang: Without Kung Lao, Earthrealm is lost.
"Oh, cheer up, Liu. Earthrealm is not lost. There are other fighters around the world. Let's hope that none of them won't end up like your cousin." Chad said.
Jax: Lord Raiden. Why couldn't you save him?
Raiden: Elder Gods are forbidden from engaging in one realm's war against another. It is my job to protect Earthrealm, but I cannot save every soul within it.
"You know for an Elder God, you sure are doing a sucky job protecting Earthrealm's warriors." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Cole says that it's not over and that they still need to fight, so Raiden whips out Hanzo's rope dart and he hands it to him so he could use it and that the spirit of Hanzo will fight with him.
Chad: (Narrating) Cole comes up with a plan for them to fight smarter and to control the fight by splitting them up. So, Raiden sends Jax to take on Reiko at The Pit, Sonya to take on Kano at her home and Cole and Liu take on Mileena and Kabal. As for Sub)-Zero, they're saving him for last. Which means that they'll take him out together as a team.
"Well, you know what that means…" Chad said.
"Yes, I do." Sean said.
"MORTAL KOMBAT!" Sean and Chad both shout out.
(The Mortal Kombat theme plays as we see Cole and Liu fighting Mileena and Kabal. Then, we see Jax fighting Reiko and he easily kills him by smashing his head. The next scene cuts to Sonya's trailer as we see Kano getting stabbed in the back by Sonya. She fights him in hand to hand combat before we cut to Sean and Chad cheering on the fighters. The fight continues as Kano and Sonya take the fight outside her trailer. Kano puts Sonya in a headlock until Sonya grabs a yard gnome and kills him by stabbing him in the eye)
"Oooh, right in the eye." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After killing Kano, this gives Sonya the marking and it awakens her own arcana, which gives her the ability to shoot purple Energy Rings. Liu kills Kabal by burning his ass to a crisp with one of his classic fatalities. Mileena tries to kill Cole but then Sonya arrives to save him.
Cole Young: A little help?
(Sonya fires an Energy Ring at Mileena, killing her)
Cole Young: (Impressed) That's pretty cool.
Sonya Blade: A little parting gift from Kano.
"Now, she's one of you, guys. Welcome to the club, Sonya." Sean said.
Chad: (Narrating) Allison and Emily pack up to get ready to leave, until Vanilla Ice shows up and abducts them and challenges Cole to a fight. Well, so much for fighting him as a team.
Sub-Zero: Finally, the Hasashi bloodline will end.
(Cole and Sub-Zero fight each other)
Sean: (Narrating) Cole and Sub-Zero just sort of beat on each other for a while without Cole's armor not doing anything at all. Like literally, it's not glowing orange from every hit. But then Cole remembers that he has the auto-plot-resolving MacGuffin that Raiden handed to him and uses his blood to unleash Hanzo, who's now resurrected as the undead ninja Scorpion.
(Scorpion hurls a harpoon into Sub-Zero's arm)
Scorpion: Get over here!
Sean: (V/O as Scorpion) Yes, I said that line despite my character not knowing how to speak English. Oh, who gives a crap. Let me avenge my family by killing Sub-Zero.
(Cole and Scorpion both fight Sub-Zero. Cole stabs Sub-Zero with his bladed tonfa before Scorpion finishes him off by immolating him with fire, killing him)
Chad: (V/O as Toasty Guy) Toasty!
"Had to throw that one in, did ya?" Sean asked.
"Oh, yeah. Definitely." Chad said.
Chad: (Narrating) Cole's family is thawed out and Scorpion thanks him for freeing him. Shang Tsung is pissed that his fighters are dead and that it's not over yet before he zaps him back to Outworld
Sean: (Narrating) Therefore, happy ending! Our heroes stand victorious and Raiden orders Earthrealm's warrior to find more champions to fight in the tournament and help defend Earthrealm. As for Cole, he sets off for Los Angeles to recruit a certain Ninja Mime.
(A poster featuring Johnny Cage is shown. Then, it cuts to the MK Dragon and the end credits are shown)
"And that was Mortal Kombat." Sean said.
"It was a confusing mess…" Chad said.
"But my God, we love it." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) Although this is an odd version of the MK Universe, it's a strange roster of MK 1. I found the new character Cole to be interesting.
Chad; (Narrating) It has some fun moments and fights, but it's a little wonky at places. The cast is good and props to Josh Lawson, he's the best part about Mortal Kombat.
Sean: (Narrating) Also, don't get me started on the whole arcana thing. I thought that was stupid. Anyway, I see myself watching this movie again like the original 1995 film. Mortal Kombat 2021 gets 3 laser eyes out of 5.
"Well, that's all the time we have for today. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic…." Sean said.
"And I'm Chad Knight." Chad said.
"And we'll see you guys next time." Sean said.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- You fuckin' beauty.
Whew! I've finally finished this review. Sorry for the long wait, I was busy with work and plus I came down with a little cold. Don't worry, I'm feeling better. Anyway, I apologize for the wait. I hope that you all enjoy this review. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Video Game Month continues as Sean takes a look at Mortal Kombat Legends: Battle of the Realms, a sequel that gained mixed reviews from the MK fans. What does Sean think of the movie? We'll find out in the next chapter. After that review, Video Game Month ends with Sonic the Hedgehog. After I'm finished with Video Game Month, I will review an Ivan Reitman film as a tribute to my favorite director. I'll review either the 1986 romantic comedy Legal Eagles starring Robert Redford, Debra Winger and Daryl Hannah, the 1990 comedy Kindergarten Cop starring Arnold Schwarzenegger or the 1992 comedy Beethoven starring Charles Grodin and Bonnie Hunt. Which one of Ivan Reitman's films should I review after Video Game Month? Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. If you have a movie or a TV show that you would like to request for me to review, feel free to PM me and I'll keep in touch. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.