The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and I am back to bring you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Today, Sean the Mayhem Critic takes a look at another good Star Trek movie and this is what many consider this one to be the best Star Trek movie featuring The Next Generation cast and the best TNG movie. And that movie is Star Trek: First Contact. So sit back, relax, pour yourself some Romulan ale and enjoy this review.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Star Trek: First Contact is owned by Paramount Pictures.
Episode 148
Star Trek: First Contact
(The intro to "The Mayhem Critic" begins)
After the intro ends, we open with our favorite residential movie critic Sean J. Archer, a..k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting on the couch in his living room as he prepares to talk about the next movie that he's going to be reviewing for today.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said. "Let's talk about Star Trek: The Next Generation."
(The title screen for Star Trek: The Next Generation is shown followed by clips from the show while the theme music plays)
Sean: (Narrating) What can I say about the show? It's one of the greatest shows of all time and one of my favorite shows to watch and it's also my favorite Star Trek series. (A picture of the cast of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine is shown) Well, Deep Space Nine is still my absolute favorite. If you haven't heard about the show, then let me tell you a brief synopsis on the series. The series focuses on Captain Jean-Luc Picard, played by Patrick Stewart and he's the captain of the new Enterprise-D to seek out new lifeforms and new civilizations and to boldly go where no man has gone before. The rest of the main characters became icons in all science fiction and pop culture. We have Captain Picard and the rest of the new crew that consists of William Riker played by Xanatos himself Jonathan Frakes, fan favorite Data played by Brent Spiner, Worf played by Michael Dorn, LeVar Burton as Geordi La Forge, Marina Sirtis as the half-human, half-Betazoid Deanna Troi and yes, I thought that Troi was hot, Tasha Yar played by Denise Crosby, who appeared on the series for one season in which her character gets killed off in the episode "Skin of Evil", that death pissed me off. She was an awesome character. You also have Dr. Beverly Crusher played by Gates McFadden and yes, I ship her and Picard, and you have everyone's favorite punching bag Wesley Crusher, played by the amazing Wil Wheaton…
"Fun fact: me and my girlfriend met Wil Wheaton at the Cincinnati Comic Expo back in 2019 and we got his autograph. I also mentioned the movie Toy Soldiers that he was in and I told him that it was one of my favorite movies of all-time and I loved it. The second actor from Toy Soldiers that I met was Sean Astin back in 2015. And yes, I am aware that me and Sean Astin share the same birthday. And Ric Flair's too." Sean said.
(Clips from the show are played once more)
Sean: (Narrating) The show has some of the defining stories in all of Trek and it introduced aliens that would become staples of the franchise like the Ferengi, the Borg and the Cardassians… (A picture of the Kardashians are shown) Yeah, not those morons. The show also introduced one of the best villains ever and also one of my favorites as well, Q played brilliantly by John De Lancie. And yes, Q is a villain. He literally has the power to make anything happen with a snap of his fingers. Whenever Q shows up, we're in for a great episode. The first season has a pretty damn good first episode titled "Encounter at Farpoint", it does an excellent job at establishing some of the character dynamics and shows what the new Enterprise can do. The show ran for seven seasons in syndication from 1987 to 1994 and the show became very popular and receiving many awards, including 19 Emmy Awards, two Hugo Awards, five Saturn Awards and a Peabody Award. After the final episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, Paramount commissioned a new Star Trek movie featuring The Next Generation cast and bringing them to the silver screen in a film simply titled Star Trek: Generations. I could talk about this movie, but we'll save that for a later review because this is an odd-numbered Star Trek movie, and we all know how the odd-numbered ones turn out. Instead, we're gonna talk about the one after Star Trek: Generations and this is the best one ever.
"And of course I'm talking about Star Trek: First Contact." Sean said.
(The title screen for "Star Trek: First Contact" is shown followed by clips from the movie while the theme music composed by Jerry Goldsmith plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on November 22, 1996, Star Trek: First Contact is considered to be the be best in the Next Generation movies and without a doubt one of the best Trek movies of all time. Fans and critics loved this movie.
(A clip from Siskel & Ebert's review of Star Trek: First Contact is shown)
Roger Ebert: The new Star Trek movie is one of the best and brightest in the series combining improves special effects with a continuing twin obsessions of Star Trek./I enjoyed this movie
Gene Siskel: I enjoyed it too. I think it is the best in the series and it has been an uneven series and you're quite right it has looked tacky here everything seems sharper than ever before, including Patrick Stewart I think.
"These two know what they're talking about." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) A bit about this film's production history, screenwriters Brannon Braga and Ronald D. Moore were tasked with developing the next film after the release of Star Trek: Generations. Braga and Moore wanted to feature the Borg in the plot, while producer Rick Berman wanted a story involving time travel. So, the writers combined the two ideas and originally the film was going to involve the European Renaissance, but they changed the time period that the Borg corrupted to the mid-21st century. Directors Ridley Scott and John McTiernan turned down the job, so Jonathan Frakes was chosen to direct and this is his motion picture directorial debut. And they've made the right decision to have Frakes direct the movie since he directed 8 episodes in Star Trek: The Next Generation, 3 episodes in Star Trek: Deep Space Nine and 3 episodes in Star Trek: Voyager. As much as I love The Wrath of Khan, I haven't talked about how great this movie is and now is the fine time to do so.
"So let's get started with Star Trek: First Contact." Sean said.
(The opening credits are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) I just love these opening credits. It's such an incredible opening when I first watched this movie when I was little when I owned it on VHS. Plus, the opening credits are complimented with a superb piece of music.
(The main title theme by Jerry Goldsmith plays during the opening credits)
Sean: (Narrating) The late Jerry Goldsmith returns to compose the music for the movie and this is one of my favorite scores from him and the soundtrack alone is amazing. I love the main title theme to the movie and this is his best work ever. Not many composers can bring one to tears within 30 seconds of their music starting. Goldsmith does it within 10 seconds.
(After the opening credits end, the movie opens with a nightmare of Captain Jean-Luc Picard being assimilated by the Borg)
Sean: (Narrating) After the opening credits end, we open with the freakiest nightmare-fueled scene right here. This is a nightmare of Captain Jean-Luc Picard, of how he got assimilated by the Borg.
Picard (Played by Patrick Stewart): (as Locutus of Borg) I am Locutus of Borg. Resistance is futile.
(A needle approaches Picard's eye. Right when the needle is about to go into the iris of Picard's eyeball, Picard wakes up from his nightmare)
Sean: (V/O as Picard) Oh, God. I just had a nightmare that I was in David Lynch's Dune.
(Picard goes to wash his face and looks in the mirror. He is then surprised by a Borg assimilation unit emerging from under his skin on his face. He wakes up for real and gets a call)
"Okay, so we got two nightmares in the first five minutes of the film. Way to give people nightmares, Frakes." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Picard gets a call from Admiral Hayes, played by Jack Shearer, that the colony on Ivor Prime was destroyed and Picard guesses that it's the Borg. We get a shot of the new Enterprise-E and as much as I love Enterprise-A from the movies featuring the cast of the original series, Reliant from The Wrath of Khan, the Klingon Bird of Prey from The Search for Spock and Enterprise-D, this one looks awesome. Enterprise-E was designed to be sleeker than it's predecessor. Anyway, Picard informs his crew that the Borg is on a direct course for Earth and they will cross the Federation border in less than an hour and he tells them that they're not going because they're ordered to patrol the Romulan Neutral Zone.
Troi (Played by Marina Sirtis): The Romulans?
Data (Played by Brent Spiner): Captain, there has been no unusual activity along the Romulan border for the last nine months. It seems highly unlikely they would choose this moment to start a conflict.
Dr. Beverly Crusher (Played by Gates McFadden): Does Starfleet feel we need more shakedown time?
Geordi (Played by LeVar Burton): Captain, we've been out in space nearly a year now. We're ready. The Enterprise-E is the most advanced starship in the fleet. We should be on the frontline.
"Also, can you tell that I'm not wearing my visor? Yeah, I have my artificial eyes. I want people to see my eyes." Sean said, imitating Geordi.
Sean: (Narrating) Riker goes to speak with Picard about them finishing up their first sensor sweep of the Neutral Zone, but he senses there's something wrong with him.
Riker (Played by Jonathan Frakes): Captain, why are we out here chasing comets?
Picard: Let's just say that Starfleet has every confidence in the Enterprise and her crew. They're just not sure about her captain. They believe that a man who was once captured and assimilated by the Borg should not be put in a situation where he would face them again.
(Riker sighs)
Picard: To do so would introduce an unstable element to a critical situation.
Riker: That's ridiculous. Your experience with the Borg makes you the perfect man to lead this fight.
Picard: Admiral Hayes disagrees.
"Fuck Admiral Hayes. What does he know? He's a stupid Starfleet Admiral. You are a captain. Who's he gonna call to take care of the fight Sisko or Janeway? While he's at it, how about he calls the U.S.S. Cerritos to join in the fight? Nah, the Cerritos will end up being a bunch of pussies, but you're the right man for the job.
Sean: (Narrating) They receive word that the fleet has engaged the Borg and it seems that they're getting their asses kicked by the Borg.
Borg Collective: We are the Borg, Lower your shields and surrender your ships. We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. Your culture will adapt to service us. Resistance is futile.
(Picard listens as the battle goes badly and he gets up and makes his way over to Data's console to turn the transmission off)
Picard: Lieutenant Hawk, set a course for Earth.
Hawk (Played by Neal McDonough): Aye, sir.
Picard: Maximum warp. I'm about to commit a direct violation of our orders. Any of you who wish to object should do so now. It will be noted in my log.
Data: Captain, I believe I speak for everyone here, sir, when I say… to hell with our orders.
(A clip from Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country is shown)
Spock (Played by Leonard Nimoy): If I were human, my response would be "go to hell."... if I were human.
Picard: Red alert! All hands to battle stations! Engage.
Sean: (Narrating) The Enterprise sets a course for Earth after disobeying orders and we cut to the battle that going on where we see the fleet getting their asses kicked by the Borg Cube and we see the USS Defiant from Deep Space Nine getting damaged and Lieutenant Commander Worf is in battle along with a young Adam Scott.
Worf (Played by Michael Dorn): Report!
Defiant Helm Crewman (Played by Adam Scott): Main power is off-line. We've lost shields and our weapons are gone.
(Worf slams his fists down on the console in rage)
Worf: Perhaps today is a good day to die. Prepare for ramming speed!
"Uh, does Sisko know that Worf is flying his ship and getting it damaged? Boy, he won't be happy about this when he gets back to Deep Space Nine." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But before Worf wrecks the Defiant and not marrying Jazdia Dax, the Enterprise shows up to join in and Picard takes command of the fleet and destroy the Borg Cube. After it explodes, a Borg sphere escapes and heads towards Earth, so they pursue the damn thing.
(Picard hears the distorted Borg voices)
Troi: What?
Picard: I can hear them.
"Who does Picard think he is, Jamie Lloyd? Does he have some sort of psychic link to the Borg?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Worf joins the Enterprise crew to join them. Picard and the crew see that the Borg sphere is creating a temporal vortex and the Enterprise gets caught in it, only to see that Earth is now populated entirely by the Borg and that they changed history.
Dr. Beverly Crusher: But if they changed history, why are we still here?
Data: The temporal wake must have somehow protected us from the changes in the timeline.
(A clip from Back to the Future is shown)
Marty McFly (Played by Michael J. Fox): Holy shit!
Picard: We must follow them back, repair whatever damage they've done.
Sean: (Narrating) The Enterprise follows the sphere as we cut to the 21st century in the small shanty town of Bozeman, Montana, where we see a man named Zefram Cochrane, played by James Cromwell, and Lily Sloane played by Alfre Woodard, leaving the bar until they witness something very strange in the sky.
Lily Sloane (Played by Alfre Woodard): (Sees something in the sky) What is that?
(Cochrane looks up at the sky)
Zefram Cochrane (Played by James Cromwell): That is the constellation Leo.
Lily Sloane: (Points to the sphere) No. That.
Sean: (V/O as Cochrane): I'm not sure, but it looks like a giant…
(The Borg sphere fires at the town as Lily and Cochrane run for cover)
Lily Sloane: It's an ECON!
Zefram Cochrane: After all these years?
Sean: (Narrating) The Borg attacks the town as the Enterprise arrives in the 21st century and they manage to destroy the Borg sphere but Picard wants to know what they were shooting at since it was a missile complex in Montana.
Picard: The date. Data, I need to know the exact date.
Data: April 4th, 2063.
Riker: April 4th, the day before first contact.
Data: Precisely.
Dr. Beverly Crusher: Then the missile complex must be where Zefram Cochrane is building his warp ship.
Picard: That's what they came here to do, stop first contact.
"That or they traveled back in time to Hope, Montana to prevent Joseph Seed from launching a nuclear missile on the town." Sean said, referencing the game Far Cry 5.
Sean: (Narrating) Picard, Data and Dr. Crusher beam down to the town to find out what happened with a security team. They enter Cochrane's missile silo, only to find a couple of people dead. So, Picard and Data investigate the silo only to find the Phoenix, but Lily decides to greet them with some gunfire.
(Lily shoots at Picard and Data)
Picard: Hold your fire! We're here to help you!
Lily Sloane: Bullshit!
"Hey, hey, hey. Look, I love Afre Woodard but no need to let her curse in a Star Trek movie. This movie is rated PG, keep it family-friendly here." Sean said.
"Uh, dude. The movie is rated PG-13. So, this film was PG-13 before that meant PG." Brian said.
"Oh, yeah. You're right. The movie is rated PG-13. Hell, this is the first Star Trek movie to receive a PG-13 rating. In fact here's a pattern of the movies with the Next Generation cast and their respective ratings." Sean said.
(Posters for Star Trek: Generations, Star Trek: First Contact, Star Trek: Insurrection and Star Trek: Nemesis are shown with the ratings PG, PG-13, PG and PG-13)
Sean: (Narrating) PG for Generations, PG-13 for First Contact, PG for Insurrection and PG-13 for Nemesis.
"Yeah, and the ones with Kirk only get a G rating and a PG rating. Yeah, and The Undiscovered Country should've gotten a PG-13 rating because of Chancellor Gorkon's assassination scene." Sean said.
Data: Captain, I believe I can handle this.
(Data jumps down to the lower level while Lily shoots at him. Music from The Terminator composed by Brad Fiedel plays in the background. Data jumps off the beam as Lily shoots him and he takes a couple of hits without it phasing him)
Data: Greetings.
(Lily faints and Data catches her)
Data: Captain, this woman requires medical attention.
Sean: (Narrating) Dr. Crusher examines Lily, who ends up succumbing to severe theta radiation poisoning due to the attack. She takes her to sick bay up in the Enterprise while Picard calls up Geordi to bring a repair crew to the silo.
Geordi: Alpha team, let's assemble in Transporter Room 3. We're heading down to the surface. Porter, you're gonna be in command till I get back. And Porter… check out the environmental controls while I'm gone. It's getting a little warm in here.
"And whatever you do, do not get assimilated by the Borg that's on this ship. I'm not saying that it's gonna happen to you. I'm just saying because there's no way that the Borg is gonna stowaway on this ship." Sean said, imitating Geordi.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Picard and Data are examining the Titan V rocket and Picard gets a little too handsy with the rocket.
(Picard feels the Titan V rocket)
Brian: (V/O as Data) Captain, are you al…
Sean: (V/O as Picard) Shut up, Data. I'm about to cum in my pants from feeling this rocket.
Picard: It's a boyhood fantasy, Data. I must've seen this ship hundreds of times in the Smithsonian, but I was never able to touch it.
Data: Sir, does tactile contact alter your perception of the Phoenix?
Picard: Oh, yes. For humans, touch can connect you to an object in a very personal way, make it seem more real.
(Picard touches the rocket and Data touches the rocket as well while sexy porno music plays in the background)
Data: I am detecting imperfections in the titanium casing, temperature variations in the fuel manifold. It is no more real to me now than it was a moment ago.
Troi: Would you three like to be alone?
(The record scratches)
"Goddamn it, Deanna. Data and I were about to have sex with this rocket. Why did you have to ruin the fun, Demona?!" Sean asked, imitating Picard.
Sean: (Narrating) Back on the Enterprise, we see Lieutenant Eiger played by Marnie McPhail and Lieutenant Paul Porter played by Eric Steinberg… wait a minute. Eric Steinberg? The guy who played Emily's dad Wayne Fields in Pretty Little Liars? What's he doing in a Star Trek movie?
"Wait, I'm gonna come up with a good joke in a minute regarding Eric Steinberg in a Star Trek movie and trust me it's gonna be a good one." Sean said.
Lieutenant Paul Porter (Played by Eric Steinberg): Maybe it's a problem with the EPS conduits.
(Porter crawls into the Jefferies tube and finds something)
Lieutenant Paul Porter: Hello? Hey!
Lieutenant Eiger (Played by Marnie McPhail): Are you talking to me?
Lieutenant Paul Porter: Is there anyone else working maintenance in this section?
Lieutenant Eiger: Not that I know of.
(We see a Borg arm in the shadows and we hear Porter screaming as he gets assimilated by the Borg)
"So that's what happened to Emily's father. They said that he "died" in the army. In fact, he became one of the Borg. Ha! I've been waiting to use this joke for when I got ready to review this movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Lieutenant Eiger goes to check on Lieutenant Porter to see if he's alright and this is where this movie turns into a friggin' horror movie when Eiger gets assimilated by the Borg. Also, Picard's Borg senses start tingling once more when he senses that there's something wrong aboard the Enterprise.
Picard: Picard to Enterprise. Mr. Worf, is everything all right up there?
Worf: Yes, sir. We are experiencing some environmental difficulties on Deck 16, but that is all.
Picard: What kind of difficulties?
Worf: Humidity levels have risen 73% and the temperature has jumped 10 degrees in the last hour.
"Oh, no. Jon Taffer is not going to be happy about what's going on in the bar holodeck." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Picard and Data return to the Enterprise while he leaves Riker in charge. And when I said that this movie turns into a horror movie, I mean it turns into a horror movie when the Borg infiltrates the Enterprise and Picard surmises that the Borg knew that their ship was doomed, so they transported aboard undetected while the Enterprise's shields were down.
Hawk: Sir, main control is being rerouted through Main Engineering. Weapons, shields, propulsion.
Picard: Quickly, Mr. Data! Lock out the main computer!
(Data attempts to lockout the main computer with an encryption code)
Brian: (V/O as Data) Quick hands don't fail me now.
Worf: The Borg have cut primary power to all decks except 16.
Picard: The Borg won't stay on Deck 16.
"They'll move down to the lower decks part of the ship and deal with the wimps." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Lily wakes up at sick bay and freaks out a bit, but it's not the time to be freaking out when the Borg is out to get you. So, Dr. Crusher activates the EMH program, in the form of The Doctor from Star Trek: Voyager, played by Robert Picardo.
Holographic Doctor (Played by Robert Picardo): Please state the nature of the medical emergency.
Dr. Beverly Crusher: Twenty Borg are about to break through that door. We need time to get out of here. Create a diversion!
Holographic Doctor: This isn't part of my program. I'm a doctor, not a doorstep.
Dr. Beverly Crusher: Well, do a dance, tell a story. I don't care. Just give us a few seconds.
(The Borg enters sick back and the Holographic Doctor tries to distract them)
Holographic Doctor: According to Starfleet medical research, Borg implants can cause severe skin irritations. Perhaps you'd like an analgesic cream?
"Or how about an aspirin? Just take two and call me in the morning. Ooh, I should've stayed on the Voyager." Sean said, imitating the holographic doctor.
Sean: (Narrating) While Dr. Crusher and the rest of the medical officers flee the deck in the Jefferies tube, Lily slips away from the group and yet nobody bothered to look back. Meanwhile, Picard, Data, Worf and a team of security officers saddle up and lock and load with phaser rifles as they prepare to take on the Borg.
Worf: I have ordered all weapons to be set on a rotating modulation. The Borg will adapt quickly. We will be able to fire 12 shots at most.
Picard: One other thing. You may encounter Enterprise crew members who've already been assimilated. Don't hesitate to fire. Believe me, you'll be doing them a favor.
"Yeah, just simply put them down like Lennie from Of Mice and Men." Sean said.
"Captain, I suspect you being part of the Borg is causing you some psychological trauma." Brian said in a Worf voice.
Sean: (Narrating) Back on Earth, Riker finds Troi sitting at a bar having a few drinks and she introduces him to Cochrane.
Zefram Cochrane: Is he a friend of yours?
Troi: Yes.
Zefram Cochrane: Husband?
Troi: No.
Zefram Cochrane: Good.
"Yeah, just wait until Star Trek: Nemesis, buddy." Sean said, referring to Riker marrying Troi.
Sean: (Narrating) At least we get a change of tone in the film. One moment, we just witnessed the Borg infiltrating the Enterprise and then we see Troi having a drink with a drunken Cochrane. And this gives us some good comedy involving a drunken Deanna Troi. And drunk Deanna Troi is hilarious.
Troi: Will, I think we have to tell him the truth.
Riker: If we tell the truth, the timeline…
Troi: (Drunk) Timeline? This is no time to argue about time. We don't have the time!... What was I saying?
Riker: You're drunk.
Troi: I am not!
Riker: Yes, you are.
"Look, Will… I'm not as drunk as I think you are. And why do you look like a handsome version of Xanatos?" Sean asked, imitating Troi.
Troi: I'm just trying to blend in.
Riker: You're blended, all right.
Troi: I already told him our cover story. He didn't believe me.
Riker: We are running out of time. Now, if we tell him the truth, do you think he'll be able to handle it?
(Riker and Troi see Cochrane walking around)
Troi: If you're looking for my professional opinion as ship's counselor, he's nuts.
Riker: I'll be sure to note that in my log.
(Cochrane hits the jukebox as music starts playing again and he starts dancing to the music. Troi passes out and Riker does a facepalm)
"7… 8… 9… 10! SHE'S OUT!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile on the Enterprise, Picard, Data and Worf split up into two teams and travel through the corridors of the ship and they discover that the ship has been decorated with some Borg tech.
Data: Captain, I believe I am feeling… anxiety. It's an intriguing sensation. A most distracting…
Picard: Data, I'm sure it's a fascinating experience, but perhaps you should deactivate your emotion chip for now.
"No, no, no, no, no! Hell no! Don't you dare mention the fucking emotion chip. I do not want to deal with Data going through every emotion and singing about lifeforms." Sean said, referring to the movie Star Trek: Generations.
Sean: (Narrating) Worf comes across Dr. Crusher and the medical staff. Then, Picard and Data come across the Borg. And let me just say, that I love the Borg's design in the movie. They made them look menacing than ever. They look better than the television show, since they've got a budget. Anyway, Picard and Data meet up with Worf and his security team and they come across more Borg in the corridor.
(Picard and Data attempt to gain entry to main engineering, then Data rips out the manual release knob)
Picard: Perhaps we should just knock.
(The Borg drones come to life)
Picard: Data.
Worf: Ready phasers!
(Worf hits a Borg drone in the face with his phaser, then shoots at another Borg drones)
Sean: (V/O as Borg Drone) Resistance is fu…
(A security team officer shoots at the Borg drone)
Sean: (V/O as Borg Drone) Ow, you ass goblin.
Sean: (Narrating) They take on some of the Borg drones and it turns into survival-horror. Then, Data ends up getting captured by them. Picard and Worf escape through the Jeffries tube with their security team, until Picard sees that one of his crewmen has Borg technology taking over his body.
Lynch: Please, help.
(Picard shoots Lynch with his phaser before escaping into a hatch)
"Poor bastard. We've never got a chance to get to know… who the hell was he again?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Picard bumps into Lily and she holds him at phaser point and she demands to be returned home.
Picard: That isn't going to be easy.
Lily Sloane: Well, you better find a way to make it easy, soldier, or I'm gonna start pushing buttons.
"Lady, do you even know how to use a phaser? The only thing that you know how to use is a friggin' machine gun and yet you're a horrible shot." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Data wakes up in engineering, only to be restrained to a Borg operating table and surrounded by Borg drones.
Data: Your efforts to break the encryption codes will not be successful. Nor will your attempts to assimilate me into your collective.
Borg Queen (Played by Alice Krige): (Offscreen) Brave words. I've heard them before, from thousands of species across thousands of worlds since long before you were created. But now, they're all Borg.
Data: I am unlike any lifeform you have encountered before. The codes stored in my neural net cannot be forcibly removed.
Borg Queen: You are an imperfect being created by an imperfect being.
"Well, Dr. Noonien Soong was one brilliant son of a bitch for creating." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After seeing the Borg drilling holes in his mind. Boy, talk about a mind probe. We cut back to Earth as Riker, Troi and Geordi try to convince Cochrane that the story about the Borg and their mission is true. But, he doesn't believe them.
Zefram Cochrane: Hot damn. You're heroic. (Laughs)
Riker: We're gonna prove it to you. Geordi!
Geordi: (Looks through the telescope) There she is. Beautiful!
Zefram Cochrane: Here we go.
Geordi: All right, take a look.
Sean: (V/O as Geordi) It's in a book. A reading rainbow.
Zefram Cochrane: I love a good peep show.
(Cochrane looks through the telescope and sees the Enterprise. He looks at the three of them and laughs)
Zefram Cochrane: That's a trick. How'd you do that?
"I'm seeing a spaceship in space and I have a pig acting like a sheepdog. I need to stop drinking." Sean said, imitating Cochrane.
Zefram Cochrane: So, what is it you want me to do?
Riker: Simple. Conduct your warp flight tomorrow morning just as you planned.
Zefram Cochrane: Why tomorrow morning?
Riker: Because at 11:00, an alien ship will begin passing through this solar system.
Zefram Cochrane: Alien. You mean extraterrestrials? More bad guys?
Troi: Good guys. They're on a survey mission. They have no interest in Earth. Too primitive.
Zefram Cochrane: Oh!
"Yeah. We're always offensive on Earth. The aliens don't want to pick up on that." Sean said.
Riker: Doctor, tomorrow morning, when they detect the warp signature from your ship and realized that humans have discovered how to travel faster than light, they decide to alter their course. They make first contact with Earth, right here.
Zefram Cochrane: Here?
Geordi: Actually, over there.
Riker: It is one of the pivotal moments in human history, Doctor. You get to make first contact with an alien race, and after you do, everything begins to change.
Geordi: Your theories on warp drive allows fleets of starships to be built, and mankind to start exploring the galaxy.
Troi: It unites humanity in a way that no one ever thought possible when they realize they're not alone in the universe. Poverty, disease, war, they'll all be gone within the next 50 years.
Riker: But unless you make that warp flight tomorrow morning before 11:15, none of it will ever happen.
Zefram Cochrane: And you people, you're all astronauts on some kind of star trek.
(A clip from Family Guy is shown)
Peter Griffin (Voiced by Seth MacFarlane): (Excitedly) Ah! Ah! He said it! He said it!
Sean: (Narrating) Back on the Enterprise, the fight against assimilation continues with the Borg assimilating more than half of the ship and some of the crew members as well. And while all that is going on, Picard tries to convince Lily that she's on the Enterprise by showing her a view of the Earth and him and Lily get to know each other.
Lily Sloane: There's no glass.
(Picard touches the opening, causing a flash which startles Lily)
Picard: Force field.
Lily Sloane: I've never seen that kind of technology.
Picard: That's because it hasn't been invented yet.
Lily Sloane: What?
Picard: There's more I have to tell you. Come on.
"Yeah, unless you want me to go through all seven seasons on Paramount Plus." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back in engineering, Data is still held captive by the Borg and he comes face to face with the one who's running this show, the Borg Queen played by Alice Krige. As much as I love the Borg Queen in this movie and Alice Krige plays the character to pure excellence. The Borg are a single collective organism that doesn't have any weak points or big bosses. The Borg Queen showed that they actually have a big boss. This would probably bother me but she's such a fascinating character. As much as I love the villains in Star Trek like Khan, Dr. Soran, Q, Gul Dukat, General Chang and Shinzon, the Borg Queen joins the ranks of best Star Trek villains.
Borg Queen: I bring order to chaos.
Data: An interesting if cryptic response.
Borg Queen: You are in chaos, Data. You are the contradiction. A man who wishes to be human.
Data: Since you seem to know so much about me, you must be aware that I am programmed to evolve, to better myself.
Borg Queen: We, too, are on a quest to better ourselves, evolving toward a state of perfection.
Data: Forgive me, but the Borg do not evolve. They conquer.
Borg Queen: By assimilation other beings into our collective, we are bringing them closer to perfection.
Sean: (Narrating) The Borg Queen reactivates Data's emotion chip and she reveals a patch of human flesh that she's grafted onto his android skeleton, in which Data gets to experience some new sensations and some pleasure.
(Sexy porno music plays in the background as the Borg Queen blows on the flesh, causing Data to gasp in pleasure)
Borg Queen: Was that good for you?
Data: Ooh.
"I'm not sure what I'm feeling down there, but I think the feeling I'm getting is what humans call an erection." Sean said, imitating Data.
Sean: (Narrating) While Data is being seduced by the Borg Queen, Picard fills Lily in on the Federation and the Borg and I think it's time that I used these two clips from another Star Trek property for this scene.
Lily Sloane: How much did this thing cost?
Picard: The economics of the future are somewhat different. You see, money doesn't exist in the 24th century.
Lily Sloane: No money? You mean you don't get paid?
Picard: The acquisition of wealth is no longer the driving force in our lives. We work to better ourselves and the rest of humanity.
(A clip from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine is shown)
Nog (Played by Aron Eisenberg): It's not my fault your species decided to abandon currency-based economics in favor of some philosophy of self-enhancements.
Jake Sisko (Played by Cirroc Lofton): Hey, watch it. There's nothing wrong with our philosophy. We work to better ourselves and the rest of humanity.
Nog: What does that mean exactly?
Jake Sisko: It means… it means we don't need money.
(A clip from Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home is shown)
Dr. Gillian Jacobs (Played by Catherine Hicks): Don't tell me they don't use money in the 23rd century.
Kirk (Played by William Shatner): Well, we don't.
"Hey, I had to. Don't judge me." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Picard and Lily come across some Borg in the corridor, so they walk through the corridor with Lily screaming like she walking through a haunted house.
(Lily shrieks as one of the Borg walks past her. One of the Borg look at her and she screams before hiding behind Picard)
Sean: (Narrating) Picard provokes two of the Borg drones as they pursue them in the holosuite. Picard activates a holonovel to recreate a scene from The Big Goodbye and…
Holodeck Nightclub Maitre d' (Played by Ethan Phillips): I'm sorry, gentlemen, but we're closing.
"Hey, it's Ethan Phillips! He played Neelix in Star Trek: Voyager. Okay, who's the next person that I'm gonna see in this scene? Maybe the screenwriters making a little cameo?" Sean asked.
(We see screenwriters Brannon Braga and Ronald D. Moore cameo as holodeck patrons)
Sean: (Narrating) Holy crap! It's the writers of the movie!
"What's next? Am I gonna see Bob from That 70s Show appearing as a mobster with a metal nose?" Sean asked.
(We then see Don Stark from That 70s Show as Nicky the Nose)
Nicky the Nose (Played by Don Stark): Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in. What's shaking, Dix?
"HOLY SHIT! That's the second actor from That 70s Show that I have seen appearing in a Star Trek movie. The first was Kurtwood Smith in Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So the Borg drones enter the holosuite to try to assimilate Picard and…
(Picard fires a holographic Tommy Gun at the two Borg)
"FUCK! PICARD'S PACKING!" Sean yelled out as he reacts in surprise.
(Picard continues to shoot at the two Borg drones and yells in a fit of rage. Picard goes berserk as he charges at the dead Borg to rip it apart with his gun, but Lily stops him to calm him down)
Lily Sloane: Hey! I think you got him.
Sean begins to chuckle a bit before speaking. "Why don't you play some of the other clips from the show?"
(A clip from Star Trek: The Next Generation is shown. The clip is from the pilot episode Encounter at Farpoint from season one)
Picard: But the question of justice has concern me greatly of late and I say to any creature who may be listening. There can be no justice so long as laws are absolute. Even life itself is an exercise in exceptions.
(Cut back to the scene where Picard guns down the Borg drones)
(Cut to another clip from Star Trek: TNG. This time, it's another clip from the show's first season and the clip is from the episode Skin of Evil)
Picard: You say you are true evil? Shall I tell you what true evil is? It is to submit to you. It is when we surrender our freedom, our dignity instead of defying you.
(Cut back to the scene where Picard guns down the Borg drones)
(A clip from the final episode of Star Trek: TNG titled All Good Things… is shown)
Picard: So, five-card stud, nothing wild. And the sky's the limit.
(Cut back to Picard gunning down the Borg drones once more)
"Yeah. Picard's gonna fix himself a nice hot cup of Earl Grey tea after going all Scarface on their asses." Sean said.
(A sound clip from Scarface plays during the scene)
Tony Montana: Say hello to my little friend!/I'm Tony Montana! You fuck with me, you're fucking with the best!
Sean: (Narrating) Back on Earth, Starfleet officers are helping out Cochrane fix up the rocket, but because of some of the officers getting all giddy for meeting him, he's getting frustrated on being hero and being known as the man who invented warp drive. So, he just acts like he has to go pee, so he just goes to hide and get himself a drink and runs away from Riker and Geordi.
(Cochrane runs away from Riker, Geordi and the other Starfleet officers)
Sean: (V/O as Cochrane) Come on! Can't a man get drunk in peace without you space clowns hounding me?
(They corner Cochrane)
Zefram Cochrane: I'm not going back.
Geordi: Look, Doc, we can't do this without you.
Zefram Cochrane: I don't care. I don't wanna be a statue.
Riker: Doctor…
Zefram Cochrane: You stay away from me.
(Cochrane runs away from them)
Riker: We don't have time for this.
(Riker stuns Cochrane with his phaser)
"Just be lucky that he didn't set his phaser to maximum, because you'll end up vaporized and the inventor of warp drive will be no more." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, the Borg continue their operation on Data to make him human. But the Borg end up being a bunch of complete idiots, when Data does this.
(Data punches a Borg drone and escapes from his restraints and attempts to escape his captors. Unfortunately, he is stopped when a drone slashes and cuts Data's new human skin)
"So much for your clever plan. You could've just done what you did in the season six finale Descent Part I? Show off your anger and kill the Borg in rage." Sean said, referencing the episode.
Sean: (Narrating) And then, things get a bit creepy as the Borg Queen starts seducing him. Well, I have to play this music.
(Sexy porno music plays in the background)
Borg Queen: Are you familiar with physical forms of pleasure?
(Data stammers)
Data: If you are referring to… sexuality, I am fully functional, programmed in multiple techniques.
Borg Queen: How long had it been since you've used them?
Data: Eight years, seven months, 16 days, four minutes, 22…
Borg Queen: Far too long.
(The Borg Queen kisses him and he returns the kiss)
"Looks like Data is about to be balls deep in that Borg seductress." Sean said in a deep voice.
(A clip from 3rd Rock from the Sun is shown)
George Takei: Oh my!
"Oh, yeah." Sean said as he continues to speak in a deep voice.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Picard and Lily meet up with the rest of the crew to brief them on the situation when he tells them that the Borg are going to use the ship's navigational deflector to contact reinforcements in the Delta Quadrant which would easily conquer Earth. So Picard, Worf and Lieutenant Hawk, played by Neal McDonough, put on their astronaut suits and head out on the ship and I have to say that this is one of the best scenes ever just to see them in zero gravity. Gotta give props to the effects team who worked on this movie. They sure know how to create one hell of a scene.
(While Hawk tries to release his maglock, one of the drones spot him. Hawk blasts away at the Borg drone and it's body floats away while the song "I Believe I Can Fly" plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Picard and Worf take on the Borg while releasing the maglocks. Hawk ends getting caught by the Borg and gets assimilated right when Picard releases the particle emitter.
(Hawk, who's now assimilated by the Borg, tries to kill Picard, but ends up getting killed by Worf. Then, Worf takes aim at the particle emitter as Picard shoots the cable that's holding onto it as it floats away with the Borg drones still on it)
Worf: Assimilate this.
(Worf blasts at the interplexing beacon with his phaser rifle, destroying it)
"Well, that movie gave us an awesome line from Worf." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back on Earth, the Phoenix has been repaired and Riker joins a hungover Cochrane in the cockpit so he can make history.
Riker: And you know, Doctor…
Zefram Cochrane: Please! Don't tell me it's all thanks to me. I've heard enough about the great Zefram Cochrane. I don't know who writes your history books or where you get your information from, but you people got some funny ideas about me. You all look at me as if I'm some kind of saint or visionary or something.
Riker: I don't think you're a saint, Doc, but you did have a vision. And now we're sitting in it.
Zefram Cochrane: You wanna know what my vision is? Dollar signs. Money. I didn't build this ship to usher in a new era for humanity. You think I want to go to the stars? I don't even like to fly! I take trains! I built this ship so that I could retire to some tropical island filled with naked women.
"Don't we all wish for that vision? Hell, my vision was having a threesome with Taylor and Anna Claire Clouds, but we can't make that vision come true." Sean said.
Riker: Someone once said, "Don't try to be a great man. Just be a man, and let history make its own judgments."
Zefram Cochrane: That's rhetorical nonsense. Who said that?
Riker: (Smiles) You did, 10 years from now.
"Oh, I thought it was Adolf Hitler who said that." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back on the Enterprise, the situation with the Borg has gotten even more worse when they continue to take over the ship. Picard suggests that they should continue to defend against the unstoppable menace. But Worf and Dr. Crusher suggest that they should escape in escape pods and destroy the ship to destroy the Borg.
Picard: We're gonna stay and fight.
Worf: Sir, we have lost the Enterprise. We should not sacrifice…
Picard: We have not lost the Enterprise, Mr. Worf. We are not going to lose the Enterprise. Not to the Borg, not while I'm in command. You have your orders.
Worf: I must object to this course of action.
Picard: The objection is noted.
Worf: With all due respect, sir, I believe you are allowing your personal experience with the Borg to influence your judgment.
Picard: You're afraid. You want to destroy the ship and run away. You coward.
Dr. Beverly Crusher: Jean-Luc.
(A clip from Star Trek: Picard is shown)
Admiral Clancy (Played by Ann Magnuson): Admiral Picard, with all due respect and at long last, shut the fuck up!
Worf: If you were any other man, I would kill you where you stand.
Picard: Get off my bridge.
Sean: (V/O as Worf) My Klingon ass should've stayed on Deep Space Nine! Fuck you, baldy! You can suck my ridges!
Sean: (Narrating) Lily goes to talk to Picard about his choice of command and we get some stellar acting from Patrick Stewart and I know that I'm going to sound like a broken record when I say this, but Patrick Stewart is magnificent and we get one of the greatest speeches from him.
Picard: I don't have time for this.
Lily Sloane: Hey. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt your little quest. Captain Ahab has to go hunt his whale.
Picard: What?
Lily Sloane: You do have books in the 24th century?
Picard: This is not about revenge.
Lily Sloane: Liar!
Picard: This is about saving the future of humanity!
Lily Sloane: Jean-Luc, blow up the damn ship!
Picard: No! (Yells) NOOOOOOOOO!
(picard breaks the starship display cabinet with his phaser rifle)
Picard: I will not sacrifice the Enterprise. We've made too many compromises already, too many retreats. They invade our space and we fall back. They assimilate entire worlds and we fall back. Not again. The line must be drawn here. This far, no further! And I will make them pay for what they've done.
"Okay, this is one of the best lines ever delivered in cinema." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) What can I say about this scene? It is incredible. You see that the Borg pose a threat to the galaxy. You've seen what Picard has went through, the nightmares that he had after becoming human again. I know that you're all sick of me referencing another Star Trek property, but I'm gonna keep on anyway. Remember on the pilot episode of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, when Picard and Sisko met while Picard was under the influence of the Borg. Sisko meets the man who's face he saw just before his wife was killed. Both men were deeply affected by Wolf 359. Coming to terms, not only with the Borg threat, but coming to terms with their own demons. Now back to here, this man dealt with them six years ago and now he wants revenge on them for what they did to him.
"It's a pretty powerful scene. And years later, they use that sound clip of Picard saying "noooo" in an episode of South Park." Sean said.
(A clip from South Park is shown)
Randy Marsh (Voiced by Trey Parker): (His voice replaced by Picard's) No! NOOOOOOO!
(Randy bashes his head into the glass)
Picard: "And he piled upon the whale's white hump, the sum of all the rage and the hate felt by his whole race. If his chest had been a cannon, he would have shot his heart upon it."
Lily Sloane: What?
Picard: Moby Dick.
Lily Sloane: Actually, I've never read it.
"Gotta love Star Trek quoting Moby Dick." Sean said. "And you wanna know what's funny? Patrick Stewart will end up playing Captain Ahab in the miniseries Moby Dick."
Sean: (Narrating) Picard gives the order to evacuate the Enterprise as Picard, Crusher and Word set the auto-destruct sequence on the ship.
Dr. Beverly Crusher: So much for the Enterprise-E.
Picard: We barely knew her.
Dr. Beverly Crusher: Think they'll build another one?
Picard: Plenty of letters left in the alphabet.
"Hey, if Starfleet can build Kirk another Enterprise, then I'm sure they can build you another one. Maybe Enterprise-F." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Picard apologizes to Worf for his remarks but as he prepares to leave, he has a psychic link to Data as he realizes that he's still held captive by the Collective. Basically, this climax consists of Riker, Geordi and Cochrane launching the Phoenix into space and the Enterprise crew and Lily escaping in their escape pods while Picard stays behind to save his friend. In which he does, as he heads down to engineering and comes face-to-face with the Borg Queen.
Borg Queen: How could you forget me so quickly? We were very close, you and I. You can still hear our song.
Picard: Yes, I… I remember you. You were there all the time. But that ship and all the Borg on it were destroyed.
Borg Queen: You think in such three-dimensional terms. How small you've become.
"Please tell me that she's not talking about his penis. We do not need to know how small Picard is." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Picard sees Data, who has half his face human and tries to take his place so she can let Data go, but that doesn't go as plan as Data is on the Borg Queen's side and he deactivates the self-destruct sequence and enters the encryption code. And I love the makeup effects on Brent Spiner. You have him in his Data make-up and you have half his face without the Data make-up. Meanwhile, the Phoenix prepares to warp and they come across the Enterprise.
Zefram Cochrane: Sweet Jesus!
(Cochrane sees the Enterprise)
Riker: Relax, Doctor. I'm sure they're just here to give us a send-off.
Sean: (Narrating) Data targets the warp ship and fires the quantum torpedoes at it but…
(The torpedoes miss the Phoenix)
Borg Queen: Data!
Data: Resistance is futile.
Sean: (V/O as Data) Motherfu…
(Data breaks the plasma coolant tank, enveloping him in the deadly gas)
Sean: (V/O as Data) Oh, shit! I should've said it right before I put my fist through the tank.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Picard climbs up for cover while the Borg Queen tries to take him with her but Data appears from the gas and grabs the Borg Queen, bringing her down into the gas, killing her and the Borg. Also, the Phoenix jumps into warp. Who cares about that? Let's see Picard giving some form of closure that his nightmare has ended.
(Picard sees the skeletal remains of the Borg Queen still clinging to life as he breaks her spinal column, terminating her once and for all)
"You're terminated, bitch." Sean said, imitating Picard.
Sean: (Narrating) Therefore, happy ending! Picard's nightmare is finally over and Data finishes his "I Wanna Be Human" crap, the voyage of the Phoenix was a success and the humans and the Enterprise crew witness the historic landing of the Vulcans landing on Earth, making first contact with them, Picard says his goodbyes to Lily and tells her that he'll miss her before him and the crew beam aboard the Enterprise. Picard, say the words.
Picard: Make it so.
Sean: (Narrating) Thank you.
"And that was Star Trek: First Contact, the best Star Trek movie ever made. And honestly, I can't disagree with them." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) What can I say about this movie, it's another excellent Star Trek film that people enjoy. What makes this movie so good is because of layers. It is a sci-fi movie as well as a time travel movie. It even has some survival horror mixed in. This is an excellent story for Next Generation. They're dealing with one of the most prominent villains of the series and it's not too hard to understand the details if you're diving into this movie and not knowing anything about The Next Generation. My tip to you: watch the two-part episode The Best of Both Worlds so you can understand the details. As well for the time travel part, I like it. It has an unique time traveling story. As much as I love The Voyage Home and it's time traveling story, I like this time traveling story better. The acting is great and the story is excellent and Jonathan Frakes does an excellent job directing this movie. This movie is considered one of the best Star Trek movie. If you haven't checked it out, then check it out now. Star Trek: First Contact comes in at 5 Borg Cubes out of 5.
"I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic. And I'll… oh, wait. What's next on my schedule?" Sean asked as he looks through his Samsung Galaxy S22 Ultra phone to see what he's going to be working on next. A smile appears on his face as he looks directly at the camera.
"It's coming…" Sean said as he reveals his Cap 'n Crunch t-shirt.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Assimilate this.
And that is all for the review of Star Trek: First Contact for The Mayhem Critic. I hope that you all enjoyed my review of the movie. As much as I love The Wrath of Khan, The Voyage Home and The Undiscovered Country, this one is also my favorite. Does anyone have a favorite Star Trek movie? If you do, then feel free to share. My favorites are The Wrath of Khan, The Search for Spock, The Voyage Home, The Undiscovered Country, Generations, First Contact and Nemesis. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean and Lucas are back to take a look at some more commercials in Commercials VIII: The Last Commercial. Don't worry, it's not the final commercials special, there will be more. After Commercials VIII, I will be reviewing Batman Returns, and with it's 30th anniversary coming up, I feel that it's the right time to review it. Make sure you leave a review for this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. If you're new to reading The Mayhem Critic, then check out some of my past reviews. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.