The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and I am here to bring you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Today, you're in for a real treat because I have been inspired by the Nostalgia Critic's Freakshow Cinema, so I'd figure I would write this one. In this chapter, Sean starts a new segment called "Bizarropiece Theater" and he takes a look at the 1991 horror-comedy Nothing But Trouble, which made tons of people ask what the hell did they just watch? So sit back, relax and grab yourself a cold one. This is the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Nothing But Trouble is owned by Warner Bros.
Episode 152
Bizarropiece Theater: Nothing But Trouble
(Instead of the traditional Mayhem Critic intro, we are treated to a brand-new opening. It opens with the theme from Masterpiece Theater, which is "Rondeau" by Jean-Joseph Mouret, a la parody of the Masterpiece Theater intro. In the opening, we get shots of various Blu-Ray and DVDs of different movies like Barton Fink, Brazil, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Big Trouble in Little China, The Lair of the White Worm and Society, followed by pictures from different various freaky-looking pop culture characters like the female Gremlin from Gremlins 2: The New Batch, a swelled-up Thunder from Big Trouble in Little China, The Bearded Lady from the movie Freaked, the Bowtie Killer from Problem Child and Judge Alvin 'J.P.' Valkenheiser from Nothing But Trouble. The intro ends with a book with the title "Bizarropiece Theater by Alastair J. Archer")
After the intro ends, we open with our fellow movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting on his couch as he prepares to start his new segment for the show.
"Yeah, I wanted to try something new for the show and I'd figure that this is the right time. Anyway, I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one and welcome to a new segment that I like to call Bizarropiece Theater." Sean said.
(A montage of freaky imagery in movies like Big Trouble in Little China, Rock & Rule, The Brave Little Toaster and Pee-Wee's Big Adventure are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) When I was little, I tend to come across some freakier movies. Some that I remember coming across. Yes, these are the films that gives us some of the strange, abnormal and bizarre imagery that Hollywood has given us. And they did and I applaud them for their creativity.
"Now with that said, I want to talk about today's topic. Whenever you hear the names Chevy Chase and Dan Aykroyd, what movies do you think of?" Sean asked.
(A montage of films starring Chevy Chase and Dan Aykroyd are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) National Lampoon's Vacation, Ghostbusters, Foul Play, Spies Like Us, Caddyshack, My Girl, Fletch.
(More posters like Exit to Eden, Cops & Robbersons, Getting Away With Murder and Vegas Vacation are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) And yes, those films too. But they suck ass.
"But we're not going to talk about those films. I want to talk about a film that they starred together in 1991." Sean said as a poster for the film Caddyshack II is shown. "Yeah, that's from 1988 and second, it'll be a cold day in Hell if I review that movie."
(The title screen for "Nothing But Trouble" is shown, followed by footage from the movie while the song "Same Song" by Digital Underground)
Sean: (Narrating) Nothing But Trouble was released in 1991 and this marks Dan Aykroyd's first and only directorial debut. (An image of Dan Aykroyd is superimposed) This was a movie that was infamous for being the worst film ever made, critics panned it. Though, it became a cult classic over the years, due to how bizarre it is. The story sounds pretty simple: a businessman and his friends stumble into a village and they get pulled over for speeding and they're put on trial by a sadistic judge and his odd family in his bizarre mansion as they try to survive this night of horror and mayhem.
"Okay, sounds simple enough, but when you watch it, you'll see how pretty bizarre it is." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) I've seen a lot of freaky stuff in my time and this is one of the freakiest. This is a film that I remember watching when I was 5 or 6 years old when they showed it on Fox 19. I mean, look! Check out some of weird imagery in this movie.
(A montage of some of the weird scenes are shown featuring Eldona kissing Chris, the convicted drug dealers getting executed by Mister Bonestripper, Bobo and Lil' Debbull, Judge Valkenheiser eating a hot dog, Judge Valkenheiser's mansion and Digital Underground singing in the judge's courtroom)
(Cut to a scene in Guess Who's Coming to Dinner)
Matt Drayton (Played by Spencer Tracy): What the hell is going on here?
"Well, that's a good question to ask. So let's not waste any time and jump right in to see how bizarre it is." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back in 1987, Dan joined his brother (An image of the following is superimposed…) Peter Aykroyd and his Blues Brothers producer Robert K. Weiss in attending a screening of (An image of the poster is superimposed…) Clive Barker's Hellraiser. Weiss, who fractured a rib, suggested that the three of them attend a screening of the movie to take his mind off of his injury and also to avoid seeing a comedy because it'll hurt him to laugh, which is why Dan and Peter chose to see a horror film. During the showing, the three of them saw the audience laughing at the film and Weiss suggested that they make a horror-comedy.
"Yeah, that's kind of my reaction to watching Hellraiser for the first time." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) What also inspired the idea for this movie was an event that happened in which Dan had been pulled over for speeding in upstate New York and was taken to the local justice of the peace to stand trial, in what Dan referred to as a "kangaroo court". After he was fined $50, the justice of the peace invited Aykroyd to stay for tea. After that event, it was suggested that a horror story be developed based on that event. Aykroyd started working on the script, a script that he spent six months working on titled Git, which was later changed to Road to Ruin and he offered the script to (An image of John Hughes is superimposed…) John Hughes, who was interested in the story, but he turned it down because he only directed his own scripts. Then, Aykroyd offered the script to director (An image of John Landis is shown) John Landis, who disliked the script and turned it down immediately.
"I'm guessing John Landis wanted to do other films like Oscar, Innocent Blood and Beverly Hills Cop III and those films were shitty." Sean said.
(The Warner Bros. logo is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) But then Aykroyd's script caught Warner Bros.' attention and they liked it, so they wanted John Candy to co-star. Aykroyd wanted to play the parts of Judge Valkenheiser and Chris Thorne, but the studio suggest that Chevy Chase play the lead role and Aykroyd agreed. And without a director, Aykroyd told Warner Bros. that this movie would mark it's directorial debut. Just to make things difficult, the movie had a troubled production with it's numerous release dates and a change in title. Critics slammed the movie on how bad the movie was and it did poorly at the box office. I loved watching this movie when I was a kid and yes I am aware of its history. I gave the movie another watch to see if it's worth watching. Or if it's a shitty Spies Like Us reunion between Aykroyd and Chase than…
(A clip from Caddyshack II is shown)
Capt. Tom Everett (Played by Dan Aykroyd): (To Ty Webb) If I pull the arrow out, wi-will you suck out the poison for me?
"As I stated before, I am not gonna review that movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We get our opening credits with shots of New York City, that were used in movies like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze and Night Shift. We're introduced to a financial publisher named Chris Thorne, played by Chevy Chase, and he's known for giving great tips on the stock market in his weekly newsletter Thorne's Weekly. Also, that's Peter Aykroyd playing the doorman.
Mike the Doorman (Played by Peter Aykroyd): The wife says the stock's gone up 5 points.
Chris Thorne (Played by Chevy Chase): Good, Mike. Want some more advice?
Mike the Doorman: Sure.
Chris Thorne: Sell it. Here, read my newsletter.
Mike the Doorman: Have fun.
"Yeah, if he could've taken some financial advice before starring in the movie Gas. But then again, he did create the show Psi Factor: Chronicles of the Paranormal and that show was pretty good." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) He comes across a woman named Diane Lightson, played by Demi Moore and yes, she's the love interest in the movie and yes, this is the first crappy movie that she decided to make after Ghost, which is a blockbuster success. She's emotionally distraught because broke up with her client/fiance Howard Suntz and she's pissed because Suntz is moving forward on a landfill deal without her services.
Diane Lightson (Played by Demi Moore): Oh… That son of a bitch! I don't believe this. That bastard! I can't believe this!
(Diane leaves the elevator)
Chris Thorne: I'll be in the penthouse if you change your mind. Thanks for the espresso maker… and the bag of shit.
"I guess that best describes Chevy Chase's career in a nutshell." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, she shows up at Chris' party and since he's a mutual acquaintance of Suntz, Diane decides to ask Chris if he could drive her to Atlantic City to confront him. He agrees and the next morning, a hungover Chris is about to bail out on the trip until he realizes that Diane dressed up sexy for the trip and he wants to tap that ass without having Bruce Willis coming after him and beating his ass.
(Chris and Mike see Diane standing in the elevator, she is seen wearing a beautiful white outfit. Chris turns to Mike, then looks at Diane)
Chris Thorne: Give me the keys, Mike.
(Mike gives Chris the keys to his car and sprays some mouth spray in his mouth and sprays some in Chris' mouth)
Sean: (Narrating) And as they head to Atlantic City, they come across two annoying as hell "Brazillionaires", who are also Chris' clients, Fausto played by the late, great Taylor Negron and his sister Renalda played by Bertila Damas, who end up joining them on their little road trip.
Fausto (Played by Taylor Negron): Chris, put this tape on. Let's chanka.
"Okay, whatever they're gonna play when Chevy Chase is behind the wheel while they're on a wacky road trip with him, it better not be Chevy Chase's self-titled album from 1980." Sean said as the album cover for Chevy Chase's album from 1980 is shown.
(The song "I Shot the Sheriff" by Chevy Chase plays in the background during the driving scene, replacing the song "La Chanka")
Fausto: This is nice.
"Why?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) And during their little road trip, Fausto and Renalda have the bright idea to take a detour off the New Jersey Turnpike so they can have a picnic in the countryside with a little help from some 90s tech a la Chris' GPS. Chris drives the car off the New Jersey Turnpike and into the run-down town of Valkenvania. (The camera zooms in on the Valkenvania sign) Also, I just love the Valkenvania sign when they enter the town. I get a chuckle every time when I see the image of the cop holding a baby while a corpse is on the ground and a car accident behind them with the words "He should have obeyed the law!". You gotta have a sick sense of humor just to laugh. They drive through the town and Chris mocks the townsfolk with his snarky commentary.
Chris Thorne: (To the townsfolk) Morning. Sell pork bellies, buy gold./What is that, a vent pipe?/Nice town, huh?
(Diane rolls down the window and sees two bikers)
Chris Thorne: Evel Kinivel and Mr. Clean.
(A clip from Injustice 2 is shown)
Raphael (Voiced by Ben Rausch): You know you suck, right?
Sean: (Narrating) But Chris does something stupid by running a stop sign and when a cop attempts to stop him, Fausto gives him the bright idea to escape the pursuing cop. Yeah, listen to the Brazillionaire. So, he attempts to escape the pursuing officer until he catches up with him and stops them. The chief constable Dennis Valkenheiser, played by John Candy, who I swear is the nicest cop ever who takes his job seriously.
Chris Thorne: What's the charge?
Dennis Valkenheiser (Played by John Candy): You were speeding. But that's not why I began to follow you, sir. Back there in the village, you failed to make a full stop at the intersection.
Chris Thorne: Oh, really? I didn't even notice.
Sean: (Narrating) So he and his cousin Miss Purdah, played by Valri Bromfield, capture our heroes and take them to Valkenheiser Salvage and the courthouse and can we just take time to appreciate the movie's production design? We get to see many beautifully hideous piles of scrap metal and heaps of junk. (A picture of the movie's production designer, William Sandell, is superimposed, as well as posters for the films RoboCop, Total Recall and Air Force One) The production designer for the movie was William Sandell, who was the production designer for films like RoboCop, Total Recall and Air Force One, brought this bizarre town of Valkenvania to life. Anyway, our heroes are taken to the courthouse and they're taken before a 106-year-old judge by the name of Judge Alvin "J.P." Valkenheiser and he's played by Dan Aykroyd, himself. And I just love this little reveal of Judge Valkenheiser, you see him hiding behind a stack of books while he's behind the stand and then when he shows himself…
Judge Alvin "J.P." Valkenheiser (Played by Dan Aykroyd): Oh, I will let you be on your way, and, oh, when you go, the cat's eyes will spin! Now, listen!
Chris Thorne: Ok. We'll listen.
Judge Alvin "J.P." Valkenheiser: Hey, hey, ho, ho! Ha ha ha! Hula, hula, hula, the boola, boola, boola! Look who's got the front seats at the Mexican hat dance now.
"Yeah, that is Aykroyd under heavy makeup playing this 106-year-old judge." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) You also have John Candy playing a dual role in this movie as well. He plays the Judge's grandson Dennis and you have him in drag playing the Judge's mute granddaughter Eldona. So yeah, after Chris opens his big mouth by offending the Judge, our heroes are sent into a hidden room underneath the courthouse to be judged the next day. And here's where the movie gets really bizarre. You even have a deadly roller coaster called "Mr. Bonestripper", which executes a group of drug dealers, one of them played by a young Daniel Baldwin.
Dennis Valkenheiser: Ok, Arthur… have you been drinking, tonight, son?
Dealer #1 (Artie) (Played by Daniel Baldwin): I had a couple. So what? I'm fine.
Dennis Valkenheiser: I'm afraid you'll have to blow.
Dealer #1 (Artie): Blow you to get out of a ticket? Forget about it.
"Hey, this movie shows us Daniel Baldwin being arrested on drug possession and auto theft charges from 2006." Sean said as a picture of Daniel Baldwin's mugshot from 2006 is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) This is one of the things that I remember seeing on the movie, these drug dealers getting killed by Mr. Bonestripper while the song "Bonestripper" by Damn Yankees just blaring through the speakers. Just tell me that you don't start singing the song. It's a pretty catchy tune. Also, I would just like to point out that this movie is rated PG-13 and boy, did it deserve it. Originally, the movie was going to be rated R, but the studio panicked and demanded that Aykroyd tone down some of the more over-the-top moments in order to get a PG-13 rating. Yeah, the Mr. Bonestripper scene would be pretty bloody if it got an R rating. Hell, I wouldn't be able to watch the movie if it got an R-rating. I'm just lucky to watch it because it was rated PG-13.
Chris Thorne: What the fuck?
"Yeah, definitely deserved that PG-13 rating." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Aside from it's bizarre and dark humor, the film has some pretty hilarious moments and some moments that are hilariously uncomfortable that people start to notice. Take a look at the strange dinner scene. You have the Judge serving warm Hawaiian Punch from a can and hot dogs while a Gomez Addams-style train is moving around the table. Just check out how he eats the hot dog.
(The Judge eats a hot dog and Diane groans in disgust from watching him eat)
"I don't know why this is bizarre, but I love it. Also, I would just like to point out that the Judge's nose looks like a penis. How the hell did they get away with that?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, let's talk about Judge Valkenheiser's nose, it's a little too, uh, how do I say this? A bit phallic. Yeah, seeing Dan Aykroyd sucking on a wiener covered in mustard, ketchup and mayonnaise while having a Johnson plastered on his face is disturbing. I'd rather have a pickle flung at my face.
"Yeah, I said it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And then of course, you have these two…
(These two that Sean is referring to happen to be the Judge's severely deformed grandchildren Bobo and Lil' Debbull. Bobo is also played by Dan Aykroyd and Lil' Debbull is played by John Daveikis)
Bobo (Also played by Dan Aykroyd): Hi. I'm Bobo. That's Lil' Debbull.
Lil' Debbull (Played by John Daveikis): Hi. We're not allowed in the house.
(Diane faints)
"Oh, God. These two are the stuff that nightmares are made." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) These two giant mutant babies in diapers are Bobo and Lil' Debbull, Bobo is played by Aykroyd and Lil' Debbull is played by John Daveikis, and I swear that they're the most bizarre part of this movie. They're like if Phil and Lil from Rugrats doing a fusion dance with Fat Bastard from Austin Powers.
Lil Debbull: I win. My deal.
Diane Lightson: No, no, no, no. Bobo wins because Bobo's hand was on top.
Bobo: Yeah. My hand's on top. I win. My deal.
Lil' Debbull: No, I won. My deal.
Bobo: My hand's on top. My deal. I win.
"You two give me nightmares. I can't even sleep at night without them haunting my dreams." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) What I love about this movie is Dan Aykroyd's performance in this film. He was hilarious as the Judge. He managed to give one of his best performances ever and he gives this character one hell of a backstory and you'll find out why the character is so harsh towards these harsh yuppies and the dark secret which involves the disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa. And I have to give credit to the movie's makeup work by having Aykroyd donning prosthetic makeup and playing two characters in the film. As much as I love Aykroyd, John Candy and Demi Moore in this movie, the problem with this movie was Chevy Chase. He gives a pretty uneven performance. You can see that he can try to make you laugh, but you can sense that Chase was getting tired of the script. He proved to be a nightmare for everyone who worked on the film with him. He was verbally abusive to everyone on set, tried to speak on Moore's behalf about her outfit that was "skimpy" and to top it all off he treated Aykroyd like shit after stating that he had the bigger paycheck than Aykroyd. This made the crew members furious at Chase and one crew member threatened to drop a brick on his head if he ever talked to a director like that again. Also, he made fun of the movie on The Chevy Chase Show. As for the crew, they had a blast working on the film to make it grotesquely absurd as possible, but this caused the film to go over-budget with Warner Bros. pleading Aykroyd to rein things in since they're already having problems with another troubled film, which was the 1990 Brian DePalma film The Bonfire of the Vanities. After the film's release, it bombed pretty hard at the box-office, resulting in some scathing reviews from critics, but it seems to have a cult following from people who come across the film and they happen to enjoy the film even though it's bizarre.
"And I am one of these people who happen to love this movie and I am aware of it's faults. I still tend to get a good laugh from watching it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Aside from it's bizarre imagery and humor, the acting is where you get to talk about how good or bad it is. And sometimes, they bring a certain kind of energy to their performances. Chevy Chase as Chris Thorne brings a snarky, smart-ass charm to his character. Sometimes he's funny, sometimes he's not funny but at least he's trying. He does deliver some funny lines in the film.
Chris Thorne: This man removed his nose and upper teeth 3 inches in front of my face and started crooning like Bing Crosby. I'd like to help out, but I'm pretty sure I can pick him out in a lineup, you know what I mean?
Sean: (Narrating) Dan Aykroyd brings a lot of humor to the role of Judge Valkenheiser and Bobo. The Judge is the best highlight of the film.
Judge Alvin "J.P." Valkenheiser: You know, you are worse than a week of yellow shit storms. First I find you rooting around in my private things. Now you're making advances against my little granddaughter.
Sean: (Narrating) John Candy, Demi Moore and others like Taylor Negron, Bertila Damas and Valri Bromfield give out some decent performances. Hell, even the hip-hop group Digital Underground makes an appearance with a young Tupac Shakur and they get pulled over and taken to court, where they perform the song "Same Song" in front of the Judge and he ends up joining them in the performance as well. Okay, true that's adding to the bizarreness of the film but that scene was worth it. Also, you have John Candy in a wedding dress kissing Chevy Chase. This is a movie that I happen to enjoy from time to time. I just love how batshit crazy it is. It fits in the "So Bad, It's Good" category. Despite all of it's production problems, Aykroyd went all out and it clearly shows in the end product. The movie finally got a Blu-Ray release from Shout Factory last year. This is a movie that you should check out and tell your friends about it. See you in Valkenvania!
Judge Alvin "J.P." Valkenheiser: (On TV) See you soon, banker!
Chris Thorne: No, what? AAH!
(A crashing noise is heard and we see a comically-shaped hole in the wall and we hear Chris fleeing for his life)
Chris Thorne: No, you won't.
"I have a few more planned. If there's any bizarre-as-hell movies you want me to talk about, then leave them in the comments section. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Blow you to get out of a ticket? Forget about it.
And that is all for the first installment of "Bizarropiece Theater" for The Mayhem Critic. I hope that you all enjoyed the new chapter. If there's any weird movie for me to talk about, then feel free to let me know in the comments. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, it's time to enter the world of James Bond when Sean the Mayhem Critic talks about Timothy Dalton and two of the Bond movies that he did: The Living Daylights and License to Kill to see how well that they hold up. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Before I go, I want to bring up something, I've been getting reviews from some readers saying that I'm running afoul of the use of copyrighted content from me adding the dialogue in movies. Look, this is why I say "I do not own anything involved in this story". Plus, I try not to add a bunch of dialogue from the source. I am going for a parody of certain movie critics like the Nostalgia Critic, Decker Shado and The Unusual Suspect. That's what I'm going for so please don't bully me about my story. We can write whatever we want. That's the whole point of Fanfiction. Anyway, that is all. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.