The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and I am here to bring you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Well, it's December and you know what that means. Christmas is coming. That's right! It's time to take a look at some holiday-themed movies for the month of December. So, what's the first Christmas movie that Sean the Mayhem Critic is going to be reviewing today? Today, Sean the Mayhem Critic is going to review the beloved Christmas classic A Christmas Story, a film that pays tribute to the original, traditional, one-hundred percent, two-fisted, red-blooded, all-American Christmas that we all love. So sit back, relax and enjoy the new hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights and references belong to their respective sources. A Christmas Story is owned by Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, Warner Bros. Pictures and Turner Entertainment.
Episode 162
A Christmas Story
(We open with the traditional MC intro while the song Everybody Wants to Rule the World plays in the background. After the intro ends, the scene opens with a parody of the Birth of Batman scene from Batman: Mask of the Phantasm we cut to a picture of Santa Claus on the wall in the living room of Sean's house, the scene then transitions to the basement where Brian is standing in the dimly lit room. Sean, who's shrouded in the shadows, changes out of his Ohio State sweatshirt and changes into his Stranger Things Eleven Days of Christmas sweatshirt. The young critic holds his hand out as Brian approaches him with a familiar looking baseball cap that lights up. Sean looks at the lit-up baseball cap and puts it on his head. He then turns around as Brian looks on in horror. We cut to a shot of Sean's eyes as he makes the iconic Batman bat-glare while a choir cha in Latin)
"My God!" Brian exclaimed in shock as Sean heads upstairs.
After the parody ends, we then cut to Sean as we see him in his Christmas sweatshirt and his "Merry Christmas Ya Filthy Animal!" baseball cap before he sits down on his couch to start the review.
"Okay, now that I've got that Christmas intro out of the way, it's time to get the show started." Sean said. "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. Since it's December, I'm in a Christmasy mood. And since I'm in the Christmas spirit, it's time for me to look at some Christmas movies to review. Anyway, I think it's about time to take a look at one of my favorite Christmas movies of all-time."
(A poster for Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas is shown)
"Okay, if you guessed that abomination of a Christmas movie, I ought to shove a giant candy cane up your ass." Sean said.
(The title screen for "A Christmas Story" is shown followed by clips from the movie are shown while the track "Glorious, Beautiful Christmas" by Carl Zittrer and Paul Zaza plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Based on the novel In God We Trust: All Others Pay Cash by humorist Jean Shepherd, this film was released almost 40 years ago and it was a success on the week before Thanksgiving. Yeah, a Christmas movie released in November. Can you believe that? And the critics loved it. And you gotta love the advertisement for the movie. Just look at this trailer, this is what you would expect in a Christmas movie.
Announcer: A Christmas Story. The movie that pulls off Santa's beard. And unwraps the secrets of the original, traditional, one-hundred percent, two-fisted, red-blooded, all-American Christmas.
Sean: (Narrating) It told us everything about the movie and critics gave the film positive reviews. The movie was directed by the late Bob Clark (a picture of Bob Clark is shown followed by some of the films being mentioned), who was known for directing the movies Porky's, Porky's II: The Next Day, Turk 182, Loose Cannons, Rhinestone, From the Hip and Baby Geniuses. Oh, yeah. He also directed the horror classic Black Christmas…
(A poster for the 2019 remake Black Christmas is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) I prefer the original.
(A poster for the 2006 remake is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) I said the original.
(A poster for the original 1974 film is shown)
(A clip from X-Men: First Class is shown)
Erik Lensherr (Played by Michael Fassbender): Perfection.
"Hey, I had to throw in that little reference. That's what Magneto would've wanted." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The movie became an instant holiday classic throughout the years all because of its showings on HBO, Showtime and The Movie Channel. When Turner Broadcasting got the rights to air the movie on their channels like TBS and TNT, they show their 24-hour marathon of the movie every December on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. You'll be watching it until you get bored out of your wits from watching it that you'll have to change it to Die Hard. It's one of those classic Christmas movies that you'll watch with your family because of its feeling of nostalgia and just ignore A Christmas Story 2 because that one sucked ass and I am not going to review that. But I will talk about A Christmas Story Christmas. I heard it's pretty good and I will get a chance to review it. I can't find anything wrong with the film because it's one of my favorite Christmas movies of all time. Okay, maybe there's some things that I might make fun of but overall, it's still a good movie.
"Let's kick off December with a bang… I triple- dog dare you to sit down and enjoy this review with your family. This is A Christmas Story." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The movie takes place in 1940s Indiana and we get a shot of the iconic Parker house as we get some narration from Ralphie as an adult, voiced by Jean Shepherd, as he regales us on his childhood memories.
Adult Ralphie (Voiced by Jean Shepherd): Ah, there it is. My house. And good old Cleveland Street. How could I forget? And there I am, with that dumb round face... and that stupid stocking cap.
Sean: (Narrating) What I love about this movie is hearing the narrator telling the story about his childhood and we get that little nostalgic feel to it. Most movies about nostalgia, their narrative is not just set in the past but about the fact that they are set in the past, fall into two groups. Either talking about their childhood or teenage years that is a golden age that is fondly missed or that the good 'ol days were not that good at all. What this movie does differently for a movie made in 1983 that deals with nostalgia is willing to be honest about American staples like Mall Santas and gifts from your relatives that aren't all that good. That's what makes this movie so great.
"You can't get it from any movie made today. Unless you're Stranger Things and it takes places in the 80s and we get all that 80s pop culture and feelings of nostalgia and showing that the 80s was a great decade." Sean said.
(Cut to a shot of downtown Hohman)
Sean: (Narrating) Look at this, I just love this intro. We get some nostalgic childhood years and we see people in the city with downtown decorated with Christmas decorations, people singing by the fire, donating money to the Salvation Army and looking at the wonderful toy display. Christ, I love this movie.
(While looking at the toys on display from outside, Ralphie sees something that catches his eye)
Sean: (Narrating) We see that young Ralphie Parker, played by Peter Billingsley, spots the perfect Christmas gift that a young boy would love, which is a Red Ryder 200-shot range model air rifle.
"Because really, what kid wouldn't want to get their mitts on a BB gun in this day in age?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) That's another thing that I love about this movie. We can all relate to wanting that perfect gift that we have our heart set out and we beg our parents that we want that gift for Christmas until we drive them batshit insane. Because that's what us kids do when Christmas is coming.
"I'm kinda like that with my mom. In fact, this is me when I was a kid." Sean said.
(A clip from The Simpsons season seven episode "Marge Be Not Proud" is shown)
Bart Simpson (Voiced by Nancy Cartwright): Buy me Bonestorm or go to Hell!
Marge Simpson (Voiced by Julie Kavner): Bart!
"Okay, I never said anything like that to my mom. If I did, then she would beat the ever-loving shit out of me." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Aside from seeing Ralphie scheming to ask his parents to get him that gift, we're then introduced to his family members like his little brother Randy played by Ian Petrella, his mother played by Melinda Dillon and The Old Man played by Darren McGavin. (Cut to Ralphie entering his parents' room and we see two separate beds in the room) And you know your movie takes place in the 1940s when you see that Ralphie's parents sleep in two seperate beds. Boy, times have changed.
The Old Man (Played by Darren McGavin): They traded Bullfrog. I don't believe it.
Mother (Played by Melinda Dillon): What's that?
The Old Man: Well, for Christ's sake, the Sox traded Bullfrog... the only player they've got for Shottenhoffer. "Four Eyes" Shottenhoffer, a utility infielder. Got a whole goddamned team of utility infielders..
Mother: That's nice. Ralphie, on the double!
"Jeez, my mom was never like that. Okay, sometimes. Damn, this movie brought me back to my childhood. Did I mention that I love this movie?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Another thing I love about this movie is it's cinematography. Bringing it that nice soft focus feel to it to show it's nostalgic tone. But it kinda looks like a Barbara Walters interview threw up on it, I'm just saying. Not trying to riff on a movie that I love.
Adult Ralphie: (Narrating) Meanwhile, I struggled for exactly the right BB gun hint. It had to be firm, but subtle.
Ralphie Parker (Played by Peter Billingsley): Flick says he saw some grizzly bears near Pulaski's candy store.
(Ralphie's family are staring at him in surprise)
"Subtle. Real subtle. You know, if you want your family to look at you all crazy, you could just, oh I don't know, probably say that there;s a Demogorgon running loose around Indiana. Yeah, try saying that shit to your family." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) You know, it's good that the filmmakers went with obscure actors because some of the original casting ideas were Wil Wheaton as Ralphie and Jack Nicholson as The Old Man. But I've recognized Darren McGavin in a lot of stuff like appearing in a couple of episodes of Murphy Brown, Raw Deal, Kolchak: The Night Stalker and Billy Madison. He even starred in two other films directed by Bob Clark like Turk 182 and the courtroom comedy From the Hip. As for Peter Billingsley, who we all know and love as Ralphie, I've seen him go on to do a lot of other stuff after A Christmas Story. He acted in a couple of films like The Dirt Bike Kid, Russkies and even Iron Man and Spider-Man: Far From Home. Yeah, Ralphie starred in two films in the Marvel Cinematic Universe and he produced one of them. Aside from acting, he did produce and direct some films and he even reprises the role as Ralphie in A Christmas Story Christmas and he's even the producer for the movie.
"So yeah, aren't you glad we got those two guys?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Ralphie's mother asks him what he wants for Christmas and what he does next was pretty dumb.
Ralphie Parker: I want an official Red Ryder carbine action 200-shot range model air rifle. (Realizes he made a mistake) Oooh!
Mother: No. Shoot your eye out.
"In the words of Cypher Raige from After Earth, DENIED!" Sean yelled out.
Adult Raphie: (Narrating) That deadly phrase uttered many times before by hundreds of mothers was not surmountable by any means known to kid-dom. But such was my mania, my desire for a Red Ryder carbine, that I immediately began to rebuild the dike.
"You watch your language. This is a family film." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Then we come to one of the memorable moments from the film and it's the dream sequences and this first sequence shows Ralphie's family in danger from Black Bart and his gang. And we see Ralphie dressed as a cowboy and armed with his trusty Red Ryder air rifle coming to save the day.
(Black Bart and his gang get closer to the house and Ralphie and his BB gun appears at the window)
Black Bart (Played by Dwayne McLean): Oh, no!
All: It's Ol' Blue! Oh, no!
(Ralphie spits)
Black Bart: Cheese it, boys! The jig is up!
(The gang make a run for it as Ralphie shoots the first guy in the butt)
"And he does this by shooting them in the ass." Sean said.
Sean: (V/O as the first criminal in his Marvin impersonation) My ass! He shot me in my ass! Aaaaah! He shot me in my ass! AAAAAAHHH!
(Ralphie shoots the second guy in the butt and he falls off the shed)
Brian: (V/O as second guy) Son of a bitch! My ass!
The Old Man: There's another one! He's a dead-eye, ain't he?
Sean: (Narrating) Look at this. This is Ralphie mastering Dead-Eye from Red Dead Redemption 2.
"A few more kills, then he's gonna get the Sharpshooter Award." Sean said.
Black Bart: Ok, Ralphie. You win this time. But we'll be back.
(Black Bart escapes and rides off on his horse)
Ralphie Parker: (Spits) Adios, Bart. But if you do come back, you'll be pushing up daisies.
(The guys that Ralphie shot, are lying dead on the ground. They each have x marks over their eyes)
"Uh, yeah. They died getting shot in their asses. You should've aimed for the head." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Aside from the main story, we get a series of vignettes involving Ralphie and his family. A series of sub-plots but not too many and there are so many good ones too and they're pretty hilarious. The first one involves The Old Man's neverending battle with the house's furnace and him trying to fix it because it keeps malfunctioning. And I just love this moment from Darren McGavin because he actually ad-libbed the profane rants while fighting with the furnace. He was speaking gibberish the entire time because it was almost impossible for him to ad-lib angry words without actual profanity. Plus, he did this to ensure a "PG" rating for the movie.
(The Old Man is speaking gibberish while fighting with the furnace)
Adult Ralphie: (Narrating) In the heat of battle, my father wove a tapestry of obscenity that as far as we know, is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan.
"Don't worry. I'm sure that one of his kids will pick up that kind of language from him." Sean said.
(The next scene transitions to Ralphie's mother putting the big heavy coat on Randy)
Adult Ralphie: (Narrating) Preparing to go to school was like getting ready for extended deep-sea diving.
"Oh, man. I just feel bad for Randy in this scene." Sean said as he points directly at the camera.
Sean: (Narrating) His mother had to go through the extremes just to get him ready for school by putting on a big heavy coat and wrapping him up with a scarf around his face so he won't deal with the cold Indiana winters.
"But again, I just find it hilarious to watch." Sean said.
(Randy starts wailing)
Mother: What? What is it? What is it?
(Randy continues to wail as Mother Parker unravels the scarf around his face)
Mother: What is it?
Randy Parker (Played by Ian Petrella): I can't put my arms down!
(Randy cries. Mother Parker tries to put Randy's arms down, but his arms keep raising up)
Mother: Well, put your arms down when you get to school.
(Randy starts crying loudly)
"That's like something that Karen Wheeler would do with either Mike, Nancy or Holly." Sean chuckled.
Sean: (Narrating) Ralphie meets up with his friends Flick played by Scott Schwartz and Schwarz played by R.D. Robb and him and Flick bicker about sticking your tongue to metal light poles in winter, but Flick is being skeptical about this one.
Flick (Played by Scott Schwartz): Aw, baloney. What would your old man know about anything?
Schwartz (Played by R.D. Robb): He knows because he once saw a guy stick his tongue to a railroad track on a bet, and the fire department had to come to get the guy's tongue off the track. But they couldn't get it off.
"Hey, I once saw a guy on World's Dumbest Daredevils sticking his tongue on a flagpole. I can tell you this right now, it won't end well because that dude was a friggin' idiot. But I'm sure that you'll prove 'em wrong with that theory." Sean said.
"I can't see Mike or the guys in The Party doing something this stupid, you?" Brian asked, sipping at hot chocolate.
"Nope. Only if Dustin dares Lucas to do something stupid like that. Then it would be funny." Sean said.
Randy Parker: (While catching up with Ralphie and his friends) Come on, guys. Wake up.
(A kid ends up knocking Randy down)
Randy Parker: Hey, kid! (Struggles to get up) I can't get up. I can't get up! Ralphie! I can't get up, Ralphie!
Sean: (V/O as Randy) Help, I've fallen and I can't get up! I know its not a thing right now, but I'm making it a thing!
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to Ralphie and his friends at school, where him and his classmates proceed in childish pranks by putting fake ugly teeth in their mouths until their teacher Miss Shields, played by Tedde Moore respectively, arrives.
Miss Shields (Played by Tedde Moore): (Writing on the board) Good morning, class.
Everyone: (With fake teeth and a with a funny voice) Good morning, Miss Shields!
(Miss Shields turn around and see that her students are wearing fake hillbilly teeth)
"Don't you just love trying to avoid learning in class by doing really silly stuff? Great times." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But enough about learning, let's get to that classic yet memorable flagpole scene and yes, this is one of my favorite scenes ever.
Flick: Huh! Are you kidding? Stick my tongue to that stupid pole? That's dumb.
Schwartz: That's 'cause you know it'll stick.
Flick: You're full of it.
Schwartz: Oh, yeah?
Flick: Yeah!
Schwartz: Well, I double-dog dare you!
Adult Ralphie: (Narrating) Now it was serious. A double-dog dare. What else was left but a triple dare you? And finally, the coup de grace of all dares, the sinister triple-dog dare.
Schwartz: I triple dog-dare you!
(Flick's smile turns to shock and Ralphie looks on shocked)
"Oh, shit! He just went straight for the triple-dog dare! This shit just got real!" Sean exclaimed.
(Flick gets ready to stick his tongue on the pole)
Schwartz: (Hits Flick on the back) Well, go on, smart ass, and do it.
Flick: I'm going, I'm going!
Adult Ralphie: (Narrating) Flick's spine stiffened. His lips curled in a defiant sneer. There was no going back now.
(Flick sticks his tongue to the pole)
Flick: This is noth... (Tries to pull off his tongue but he can't and realizes that Schwartz was right) Stuck? Stuck! (Starts screaming) Stuck! Stuck! (Continues to scream)
"Heck, what makes this scene so funny is hearing Flick scream like a girl. That's what did it for me." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) I especially love the classmates' reaction to what's happening in front of them. That's what makes this scene funny.
(The bell rings as everybody gets ready to walk back to class, especially Ralphie)
Flick: Ralphie, come back! Come back! Don't leave me! Come back!
Ralphie Parker: But the bell rang!
Schwartz: What are we going to do?
Ralphie Parker: I don't know! The bell rang!
"Damn. Some friends are you. You're just gonna leave your friend out in the cold? What a bunch of assholes! I'm sure that you're probably going to help Flick out ... oh, screw him!" Sean exclaimed.
"Ah, relax, he'll get his payback in about 33 or so years." Brian said, referencing A Christmas Story Christmas.
Sean: (Narrating) Back in class, Miss Shields asks her students where Flick is at and I just love how Ralphie plays out that he doesn't know where Flick is. But one of the students point to where Flick is at and Miss Shields sees this and calls the fire department and the cops. Eventually, Flick is freed and has to deal with the shame and humiliation of having his tongue stuck to the pole.
Miss Shields: Now, I know that some of you put Flick up to this. But, he has refused to say who. But those who did it know their blame. And I'm sure that the guilt you feel... is far worse than any punishment you might receive. Now, don't you feel terrible? Don't you feel remorse for what have you done? Well, that's all I'm going to say about poor Flick.
"Let's not forget the time that Flick has starred in some porn movies back in the 90s. Oh, yeah. That's a true story. He did a porno movie called "Scotty's X-Rated Adventure" and I've seen it. Poor Flick doing such naughty things. Now that I bring that up, I'll never watch this movie the same way again." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After giving her students a stern talking to, Miss Shields gives them an assignment. Which is to write a theme. And the basis for that theme is "What I Want For Christmas", which gives Ralphie the perfect opportunity to write down what he wants for Christmas and Miss Shields would like it. Afterwards, we then come to vignette #2, which involves Ralphie, Flick, Schwartz and Randy being tormented by...
(Ralphie, Flick and Schwartz hear laughter as they stop dead in their tracks and turn around as Scut Farkus peeks his head out the fence)
Sean sighed a bit before speaking. "The best damn villain in the movie."
Sean: (Narrating) This is Scut Farkus, played by Zack Ward and this is his first villainous role in a movie. I swear, this character scared me when I was young. With his braces and his coonskin hat and seeing him bullying people while The Wolf's theme from Peter and the Wolf plays in the background and...
Adult Ralphie: (Narrating) He had yellow eyes... so help me God, yellow eyes!
Sean: (Narrating) Plus, you gotta love his laugh.
(A montage of Scut Farkus laughing is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Whenever I see his scenes and hear him laughing, I would have no other choice but to laugh right along with him. I know that this is the type of laugh that could frighten any kid watching this movie but he has the best laugh ever that can make anyone laugh. His laugh reminds me of Evil Ed's laugh from Fright Night.
(Cut back to Scut Farkus laughing before cutting to a clip from the 1985 version of Fright Night, where we see Evil Ed laughing at Charley)
Evil Ed (Played by Stephen Geoffreys): (Laughs) Oh, you're so cool, Brewster! (Continues to laugh)
(Grover Dill pops up from out of the dumpster and scares Ralphie and his friends)
Sean: (Narrating) He has a sidekick named Grover Dill, played by Yano Anaya, who just loves tormenting people as much as the next guy.
(Ralphie, Flick and Schwartz back away from Grover Dill. Then Scut Farkus scares them again. This time, they escape, but he manages to grab Schwartz and twists his arm like Uncle Tex in the Baby Barney episode of The Flintstones)
Scut Farkus (Played by Zack Ward): (To Schwartz) Say Uncle!
Schwartz: Uncle!
Scut Farkus: Uncle.
Schwartz: Uncle!
Sean: (V/O as Ralphie) But what about Schwartz?
Brian: (V/O as Flick) Screw him! He's on his own!
Scut Farkus: Louder!
Schwartz: (Crying) UNCLE!
Adult Ralphie: In our world, you were either a bully, a toady or one of the nameless rabble of victims.
Grover Dill (Played by Yano Anaya): All right. Who's next?
(Grover Dill roars and scares them, causing them to run away)
(A clip from Monty Python and the Holy Grail is shown)
King Arthur and his Knights: Run away! Run away! Run away!
Sean: (Narrating) After their little encounter with Scut Farkus and Grover Dill, Ralphie returns home to work on his theme for Miss Shield's class when his father comes home with some terrific news to share and this is where vignettes 3 and 4 come in. With vignette 3, The Old Man has to contend with the hillbilly neighbors, the Bumpuses' and their hound dogs that just love to harass The Old Man when he comes home from work. And vignette 4 involves The Old Man winning a major award.
The Old Man: Come on. Have a chew, fellas, on me. It's my gift. (Shuts the door on one of the hound's ears and walks away) You know, maybe it'll be one of those Spanish adobe houses down in Coral...
(The Bumpus hound howls in pain as The Old Man walks to the door to release it)
The Old Man: Serves you right, you smelly buggers.
"Somewhere, someone at PETA is watching this and they're calling it abuse." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Later that night, the Parker family is enjoying a nice meal of meat loaf, red cabbage and mashed potatoes while Randy starts playing with his food.
Mother: Oh, Randy, don't play with your food. Eat it!
Randy Parker: Aw, gee!
Mother: Starving people would be happy to have that.
"Uh, I'll be happy to eat it. I love meat loaf." Sean said.
The Old Man: (While reading his paper) Can I have some more red cabbage?
(Mother Parker gets ready to eat, but she doesn't as she gets up to walk over to the stove to give The Old Man some more red cabbage)
Sean: (Narrating) I gotta feel sorry for the mother. Right when she's about to eat a hot meal, her husband asks for more food and the same with her son. I mean, she haven't eaten a hot meal in 15 years. Is that how you treat housewives in the 1940s? If this film was made today, then this his how the scene would play out.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see Sean and Taylor sitting at a table and they're about to eat dinner. Sean is busy reading something on his tablet and eating a ribeye steak with a baked potato and broccoli. Taylor sits down and gets ready to eat)
Sean: Hey babe, can have some more broccoli?
Taylor: Really? Right when I'm about to eat this meal that I've slaved over a hot stove for and you ask me to get you some more broccoli? Get it your damn self, you pig.
Sean: Well... damn. No need to be harsh, babe. I'll just get the broccoli myself.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Randy Parker: Meat loaf. Meat loaf. Double beet loaf. I hate meat loaf!
The Old Man: (Aggravated) All right. All right, I'll get that kid to eat. Where's my screwdriver and my plumber's helper? I'll open up his mouth and I'll shove it in.
Sean: (Narrating) But don't worry, Ralphie's mother has her way of getting Randy to eat by...
Mother: Show me how the piggies eat. Be a good boy. Show Mommy how the piggies eat.
(Randy eats like a pig as Mother Parker watches and laughs. Randy laughs as Ralphie and The Old Man look on with disgusted expressions)
"Oh, my God. That looks like something that Karen Wheeler would do with Holly." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But their lovely family dinner is interrupted by a knock at the door when The Old Man's major award arrives.
The Old Man: (Mispronouncing) "Fra-gi-ley." That must be Italian.
Mother: (Correcting him) I think that says "fragile."
"That also sounds like something that Ted Wheeler would say." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The Old Man opens the box to reveal his major award, which is the notorious leg lamp and let's be honest here, you all laughed your asses off from seeing this thing and Ralphie feeling up on it. When I watched this movie with my mom, she laughed at that scene. It is that damn hilarious. I like how they have so many damn plugs plugged into that one outlet, they're lucky that the house didn't burn down. I love Ralphie's reaction to the lamp and him touching it and his mom moving his hand away. I love how everybody is seeing the lamp on display from outside and The Old Man is showing it off. I love how The Old Man is overjoyed by this "major award" and the mother is not. Did I mention that I love this movie?
Audience Members: Yes!
"Okay, just making sure." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Ralphie turns in his theme to Miss Shields and we get another dream sequence where Miss Shields finds Ralphie's theme to be a masterpiece.
Miss Shields: The theme I've been waiting for all my life. Listen to this sentence. "A Red Ryder BB gun with a compass in the stock and this thing which tells time." Poetry. Sheer poetry! Ralph! An A-plus. My Ralph! How happy you've made me, Ralph. A-plus!
(The students cheer and applaud for Ralphie and they carry him around the classroom. The dream sequence ends with Ralphie staring off into the distance)
Miss Shields: Ralph! Ralphie? Ralph!
(The cheering stops as Ralphie snaps back to reality and the students start giggling)
"Oh. Sorry about that, Miss Shields. I was just thinking about a Tex Avery short that I've watched. I dood it. Funny line." Sean said, imitating Ralphie while mentioning the Tex Avery short Who Killed Who.
Sean: (Narrating) Ralphie and his family look at some Christmas trees as The Old Man gets himself a great deal on a tree with some great negotiating skills and afterwards while they're driving home, the car ends up with a flat tire. So, The Old Man goes to change the tire with Ralphie helping him out, leading to…
The Old Man: There we go…
(The Old Man accidentally knocks the bolts out from Ralphie's hands)
Adult Ralphie: (Narrating) Oh! For one brief moment, I saw all the bolts silhouetted against the lights of the traffic. And then they were gone.
Ralphie Parker: Ohhh… fff… fudge.
(The Old Man looks surprised)
Adult Ralphie: (Narrating) Only I didn't say "fudge." I said the word. The big one. The queen mother of dirty words. The "f", dash, dash, dash" word.
The Old Man: What did you say?
Ralphie Parker: Uh… um…
The Old Man: That's what I thought you said.
"Only I get to use that type of language in this house. But this is a "PG" movie and you can't say the "f: word in the movie. But still, I get to say it." Sean said, imitating The Old Man.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, Ralphie gets in trouble for saying "fudge". He practically learned that type of language from his father because that dude has a foul mouth from fighting with that damn furnace. Also, I just love Ralphie's mother's reaction.
The Old Man: Do you know what your son just said?
Mother: No. What?
The Old Man: I'll tell you what he said. Randy! (He whispers the word in her ear)
Mother: (Screams in shock) AHHHHHH! RALPHIE!
"Priceless." Sean said with a smile on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) And because of Ralphie saying one of the 7 dirty words that you can never say on television, Ralphie ends up having a bar of soap in his mouth. Gotta love the 1940s. You get in trouble for saying a bad word and they wash your mouth out with soap. When kids say a curse word, this is what the adults would say.
(A clip from Stranger Things is shown)
Dustin Henderson (Played by Gaten Matarrazo): Son of a bitch.
Ted Wheeler (Played by Joe Chrest): Language.
Mother: You ready to tell me?
(Ralphie mumbles yes)
Mother: (Takes the bar of soap out of Ralphie's mouth) All right. Where did you hear that word?
"Alright, Ralphie. Just say to your mother that you heard that word from your father. Just say your father. Say, "I heard it from…". Sean said.
Ralphie Parker: Schwartz!
"Oh, you idiot." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Mrs. Parker calls Schwartz's mother to inform her what Ralphie said and we get one of the funniest reactions of all time.
Mother: Do you know where he heard it?
Mrs. Schwartz: (On the phone) Probably from his father.
Mother: No! He heard it from your son!
Mrs. Schwartz: (Screaming hysterically) What?! What?! WHAAAATTTT! (She walks over to Schwartz and beats him up)
Schwartz: (As his mom beats him up) AAH! Oh no! What'd I do, Mom? Why? I didn't do nothing! (Whines and bawls)
"Just hearing Schwartz's mother turn into Kyle's mom from South Park and just beating him is what makes this scene so funny. Hell, I can imagine something like that in a Stranger Things fanfiction." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Ralphie is punished for what he's done and then we get a hilarious yet over-dramatic dream sequence where Ralphie is stricken blind from soap poisoning and his family feel sorry for him.
Mother: Ralph, is it something we did?
The Old Man: What brought you to this lonely state?
Mother: Ralph, please tell us no matter how it hurts. What did we do?
Ralphie Parker: No, I… I can't.
Mother: Olease, Ralph. I must know what we did. What brought you to this?
The Old Man: Please.
Mother: Please.
Ralphie Parker: It… it… it was…
Mother: Yes? Yes?
Ralphie Parker: Soap poisoning.
(The Old Man and Mrs. Parker break down and sob)
The Old Man: How could we do it?
"Why did we punish our son with soap in the mouth? It's all my fault! I should've used a swear jar. I'm sorry, boy!" Sean exclaimed, imitating The Old Man.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, the students in Miss Shields' class give her some gifts and Ralphie ends up getting her a fruit basket, in which she's surprised about.
Ralphie Parker: Well, I just thought that you'd be getting tired of the same old stuff.
Adult Ralphie: (Narrating) Yes, truly, a little bribe never hurts.
Miss Shields: Well, thank you very much, Ralph.
(Ralphie smiles and winks at Miss Shields)
Miss Shields: Merry Christmas.
(Ralphie nods)
Miss Shields: Happy New Year.
(Ralphie nods again)
Miss Shields: You can take your seat now.
(Ralphie walks back to his desk and winks at Miss Shields)
"Oh, great. Ralphie just won the award for best ass-kisser of the year by bringing the teacher a fruit basket and one of the students gave her a half-eaten apple." Sean said as the shot of the half-eaten apple on Miss Shields' desk is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) After getting chased by Scut and Grover, Ralphie returns home to find that his secret decoder pen from Radio Orphan Annie's Secret Society to decode Annie's secret message. So he finds a place for privacy, which is the bathroom, to decode the message without anyone interrupting him.
Adult Ralphie: (Narrating) Aha! "B." (Chuckles) I went to the next. "E." The first word is "be"! "S." It was coming easier now. "U."
Randy Parker: (Calls from the outside) Come on, Ralphie! I gotta go.
Ralphie Parker: (Calling to his mom) I'll be right down, Ma. (To himself) Gee whiz.
Adult Ralphie: (Narrating) "T.O." "Be sure to." Be sure to what? What was Little Orphan Annie trying to say? Be sure to what?
Mother: (Shouting from downstairs) Ralphie! Randy has got to go! Will you please come out?
Ralphie Parker: (Shouting as he gets annoyed): All right, Ma! I'll be right out!
"See? This is why you need an extra bathroom in the house so you won't have to deal with annoyances like that." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Ralphie finally decodes the secret message and it turns out to be…
Ralphie Parker: (Sees the message) "Be sure to drink your Ovaltine." "Ovaltine?" A crummy commercial? Son of a bitch.
"Okay, you deserve to have your mouth washed out with soap, kid. Watch your language, this is a family film." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) No wonder Ralphie boycotted Ovaltine because of that stupid message, he switched over to Hershey's. (A picture of Peter Billingsley as Messy Marvin in the Hershey's Syrup commercial is shown) Later, Ralphie is busy drinking himself a nice glass of...
(A clip from Young Frankenstein plays)
Frau Blucher (Played by Cloris Leachman): Ovaltine?
Sean: (Narrating) Milk! A glass of milk. His mother goes to water the plants until she accidentally breaks The Old Man's leg lamp and he's not taking it pretty well.
The Old Man: You were always jealous of this lamp.
Mother: Jealous of a plastic leg?
The Old Man: (Interrupts her) Jealous! Jealous because I won.
Mother: That's ridiculous! Jealous? Jealous of what? That is... the ugliest lamp I have ever seen in my entire life!
"Ooh. Yeah, you know that the truth hurts when your wife tells you that your lamp is ugly. That's how I felt when Taylor broke my lamp in the shape of Nicolette Shea's boobs." Sean said.
The Old Man: Get the glue.
Mother: We're out of glue.
The Old Man: (Angrily grimaces) You used up all the glue on purpose!
Adult Ralphie: (Narrating) The Old Man stood quivering with fury… stammering as he tried to come up with a real crusher. All he got out was…
The Old Man: Not a finger!
"That line gave me a chuckle every time." Sean chuckled.
Sean: (Narrating) The Old Man tries to fix up his lamp, but it breaks apart. I love right at that moment Ralphie's mom tries to contain herself from laughing because she thought it was funny. That also gave me a chuckle. And with the leg lamp destroyed and buried, thus ends one of the vignettes. The next day, Ralphie and his friends are heading to school until they get scared by Scut Farkus and Grover Dill and they want a piece of Ralphie, but instead him and Schwartz run to class.
"But wait, what about Flick? You can't leave poor Flick alone with those two." Sean said.
(Scut grabs Flick and twists his arm)
Flick: Uncle! Uncle!
"Ah, screw Flick." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Miss Shields returns the graded themes to her students, but then Ralphie gets crushed when he sees that he got a C+ and a little message from Miss Shields telling him that he'll shoot his eye out. So Ralphie is bummed about his theme and things couldn't possibly get any worse for him.
(Ralphie is hit in the face with a snowball while walking home as Scut and Grover start laughing)
"And the clouds open up and God said, "I hate you, Ralphie!"." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Just to make Ralphie's day complete shit, Scut decides to pick on Ralphie until this happens.
Scut Farkus: What? Are you going to cry now? Come on, cry baby, cry for me. Come on. Cry!
(Cut to Emperor Palpatine from Return of the Jedi)
Emperor Palpatine (Played by Ian McDiarmid): Use your aggressive feelings, boy. Let the hate flow through you.
(Ralphie snaps as he charges at Farkus and starts beating him up)
Grover Dill: (Shocked) Hey!
Adult Ralphie: (Narrating) Something had happened. A fuse blew, and I had gone out of my skull.
Grover Dill: (Trying to help his friend) Hey. Hey! Hey, kid!
(Ralphie shoves Grover)
Grover Dill: I'm telling my dad!
"You do that, then I'm gonna cuss you out like that guy who owns the house." Sean said, imitating Ralphie while referring to the incident with Yano Anaya.
Sean: (Narrating) Ralphie loses it and beats the crap out of Scut Farkus like he's Laurence Fishburne in What's Love Got to Do With It with his friends and classmates watching him making Scut Farkus say uncle. But then Randy shows up with their mother as she stops the fight and calms Ralphie down. Plus, isn't satisfying just to see Scut Farkus turn into a whiny little bitch afterwards.
(Scut sits up with a bloody nose and sniffles)
Flick: Uh-oh.
(Scut wipes the blood off his face)
"Damn! Not only Ralphie beat the snot out of him, he beat the bloody snot out of him." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Ralphie's mother calms Ralphie down and goes to his room as he worries about what his mom is going to tell The Old Man and what he's going to do to him when he finds out but then he comes home from work and asks what happened.
The Old Man: Well, uh, what happened today? (Sees Ralphie without his glasses) Where's your glasses? Did you lose your glasses again?
Mother: Uh, Ralphie. (She walks over to him and hands him his glasses) Remember, uh, you left these on the radio , try not to do that anymore.
The Old Man: So what else happened today?
Mother: Oh, nothing much. Ralphie had a fight.
The Old Man: A fight? What kind of fight?
"Oh, he had a snowball fight with the local bullies and he beat the crap out of them. Want some meat loaf and red cabbage?" Sean said, imitating Ralphie's mother.
Sean: (Narrating) Don't worry, Ralphie's not gonna get killed by his dad. Instead, his mother tells The Old Man that the Chicago Bears are playing against Green Bay and he just brushes it off. And now, the matter of the BB gun situation. If his mother is not going to give him one for Christmas, then he's gonna ask the big man himself.
Ralphie Parker: Santa! Yeah, I'll ask Santa.
Adult Ralphie: (Narrating) Of course! Santa... the big man, the head honcho, the connection. Ha ha. My mother had slipped up this time.
"Oh, don't worry, kid. I'm sure that Santa will bring you one for Christmas." Sean said with a smile on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to Christmas Eve as Ralphie and his family are at downtown Hohman to watch the Christmas parade, but Ralphie isn't interested in the parade, he just wants to go see Santa.
Ralphie Parker: Mom, this is just the same old dumb parade as last year.
Mother: Ralphie, will you please calm down?
Ralphie Parker: Mom!
Mother: Hush!
The Old Man: Shut up, Ralphie!
"Yeah, Ralphie. Shut the fudge up, we're trying to watch the parade. Hopefully, Mariah Carey doesn't pop up and lip syncs "All I Want For Christmas Is You" like the last time." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After dealing with the Christmas parade, Ralphie and his family head inside Higbee's so Ralphie and Randy could stand in line to see Santa. But there's one big problem...
"You have the narrator of the movie making a cameo in the movie. I'm not joking! Jean Shepherd plays the man standing in line." Sean said.
Man in Line (Played by Jean Shepherd): Young man. Hey, kid. Just where do you think you're going?
Ralphie Parker: Going up to see Santa.
Man in Line: The line ends here, it begins there.
(Ralphie sees the long line)
Ralphie Parker: Oh no.
"Why did older me tell me about the line? Son of a bitch." Sean said, imitating Ralphie.
Older Sean (Voiced by Keith David): You watch your mouth, thirty-year-old me.
Sean looks around in confusion. "Ooookay."
Adult Ralphie: (Narrating) The line waiting to see Santa stretched all the way back to Terre Haute! And I was at the end of it.
Kid With Goggles (Played by David Svoboda): I like Santa.
(Ralphie stays silent)
"And of course, you got to be at the end of the line where you deal with that annoying person with goggles." Sean said.
Kid With Goggles: I like The Wizard of Oz.
Ralphie Parker: Yeah.
Kid With Goggles: I like the Tin Man.
(A clip from Step Brothers is shown)
Randy (Played by Rob Riggle) I don't know what it is about your face, (holds up fist) but I just wanna deliver one of these right in your suck hole.
Sean: (Narrating) We get the most mean-spirited mall Santa. And again, I love this movie delivering the brutal truth on Mall Santas. I know that in reality, you have a few nice ones. Here, you have one that's being an asshole and so are the elves. Hell, they're so mean that Goggles and Randy both screamed in his face.
Santa Claus (Played by Jeff Gillen): Ho ho ho!
(The boy with goggles starts screaming. Next we then cut to Randy, who basically does the same thing as well)
Santa Claus: Uh-oh.
Sean: (Narrating) I've never been afraid to sit on Santa's lap. When I was a kid, I was never scared, the guy dressed as Santa was a nice guy, he was caring enough. But this Santa Claus encounter is hysterical. Ralphie gets his turn to sit on Santa's lap and we get a hilarious P.O.V. view of him sitting on Santa's lap, then Ralphie starts to get nervous.
Santa Claus: And what's your name, little boy?
Male Elf (Played by Drew Hovcevar): Hey, kid. Hurry up. The store is closing.
Boy: Come on.
Head Elf (Played by Patty Johnson): Listen, little boy, we've got a lot of people waiting here, so get going!
"Hurry up, kid! I'm missing Santa Claus Is Coming To Town for this." Sean said, imitating the Head Elf.
Sean: (Narrating) Santa asks Ralphie what he wants for Christmas, but Ralphie blows it right when Santa asks him if he wants a football and he nods his head. Well, it's down the slide for him.
Adult Ralphie: (Narrating) A football? Oh, no! What was I doing? Wake up, stupid! Wake up!
Ralphie Parker: No!
(He climbs back up the slide)
Ralphie Parker: No, no, I want an official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model air rifle!
"Altogether now." Sean said.
Sean, The Audience and Santa Claus: You'll shoot your eye out, kid.
(Ralphie gasps)
Santa Claus: Merry Christmas. Ho-ho-ho.
(Santa pushes Ralphie down the slide with his boot)
Ralphie Parker: Noooooooooooo!
"Now, that's a story that he's going to tell his kids." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that the family is getting the tree together and getting the lights on and…
(A fuse blows out. The room goes dark as Mrs. Parker screams)
The Old Man: Hold it! Don't anybody move! Hold it right there. A fuse is out.
"You know, you're damn that you didn't burn the house down with so many damn plugs plugged into the outlet." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to Christmas Day as the Parker family celebrate Christmas by opening up their presents. And of course, Ralphie has got to get that one embarrassing Christmas gift from his Aunt Clara and we all know what that is.
(Ralphie walks down the stairs in his pink bunny pajamas)
Mother: Oh, isn't that cute? That is the most precious thing I've ever seen in my life.
(Randy starts laughing when he sees Ralphie)
Ralphie Parker: Shut up, Randy.
"Oh, don't worry, Ralphie. Randy will get his embarrassing Christmas gift from Aunt Clara in the sequel." Sean said as his eyes widened in shock after realizing he referenced the god-awful sequel.
Older Sean: (Narrating) I can't believe that I just referenced A Christmas Story 2. What was I thinking?! Nobody mentions that stupid-ass sequel. It's dead to them and it's dead to me!
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, everybody got what they've wanted and it turns out to be a nice Christmas. But Ralphie has a big surprise, in the form of one last gift hidden behind the desk. And that gift happens to be…
(Ralphie unwraps his gift, which is revealed to be a Red Ryder BB gun while the song Almost Paradise by Mike Reno and Ann Wilson plays in the background)
Adult Ralphie: (Narrating) Oh, it was beautiful. I could hardly wait to try it out.
"Right, so how long until he shoots his eye out?" Sean asked.
(Ralphie takes aim at the target. The BB bounces off the target and hits Ralphie in the cheek)
Adult Ralphie (Narrating) Oh, my God! I shot my eye out!
"They told him that he'll shoot his eye out!" Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But luckily, it was just his cheek and Ralphie ends up losing his glasses like Velma. He goes to look for them and…
(Ralphie accidentally steps on his glasses, breaking them)
Ralphie Parker: Oh, no.
Sean: (V/O as Ralphie) I've found them. And I broke them.
Ralphie Parker: Oh, no.
Adult Ralphie: (Narrating) For a moment, I thought, I'll fake it. They'll never know the lens is gone.
Ralphie Parker: Oh, no.
"Well, you know what they say, "It's not a lie, unless they'll believe it." Trust me, I know." Sean said. "Well… sometimes it doesn't work."
(Ralphie's mother hears him crying)
Mother: Ralphie?
(She goes outside to check on him)
Mother: What's the matter, honey? Oh, what happened? What is it?
Sean: (V/O as Ralphie) I just found out that I'm going to star in The Dirt Bike Kid!
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, Ralphie pulled that one off, luckily. I especially love the bit where Ralphie breaks the fourth wall. I get a chuckle every time when he does that. While all that is going on, disaster strikes when this happens….
(The Bumpus Hounds run in the house and knock over the kitchen table and they begin to eat up the turkey)
The Old Man: The turkey! (He runs in and sees the hounds in the kitchen) Oh, my… God!
(The hounds run out the backdoor)
The Old Man: You sons of… (He chases after them as they run through the fence. He then yells out) SONS OF BITCHES! BUMPUSES!
"As funny and tragic as this scene is, it brings me to this one question that I always ask: how in the hell did those dogs get in the house?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah. Every time when I watched that movie, I wonder how come the dogs made it into the house? Did somebody leave the door open? Does the dogs know how to open the door? Or did they go through the window?
"The possibilities are endless!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) With Christmas dinner ruined by a bunch of hillbilly dogs, The Old Man has another alternative, taking the family out to dinner to a Chinese restaurant where they're served duck and have the waiters singing badly.
Waiters: (Singing in their Chinese voices): Deck the hall with boughs of horry. Fa ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra. 'Tis the season…
Chinese Father (Played by John Wong): Stop, stop, stop, stop! Sing something else.
(The waiters start singing "Jingle Bells" badly)
"When me, my mom and my girlfriend went to dinner at a Chinese restaurant on Christmas Eve, they never sang to us." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But you gotta admit, the duck does look good.
(We then cut to The Old Man and Mrs. Parker in the living room)
The Old Man: Oh, honey, come over here. Look at this.
Mother: Oh, is that beautiful.
(The Old Man hands her a wine glass, and they put their arms around each other while they look at the snow from outside)
Sean: (V/O as Mother) Wow, doesn't that look beautiful, honey?
Brian: (V/O as The Old Man) It would've been more beautiful if I still had my leg lamp.
Sean: (V/O as Mother) Don't ruin the moment.
Sean: (Narrating) And the movie ends with Ralphie sleeping in bed with his Christmas present. Just hope that he doesn't shoot his eye out in bed and we end it with Adult Ralphie narrating.
Adult Ralphie: (Narrating) Next to me, in the blackness, lay my oiled blue-steel beauty… the greatest Christmas gift I had ever received or would ever receive. Gradually, I drifted off to sleep, pranging ducks on the wing ad getting off spectacular hip shots.
"And that was A Christmas Story. It's still a classic." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) I can't think of anything negative to say about this movie. It's hard to come up with something to nitpick about. The movie is still an excellent Christmas classic to watch during the year and I look forward to watching it. You have some memorable characters, some memorable lines and some great comedy. A Christmas Story is a fun, little Christmas movie to watch with the whole family. If you haven't seen the movie, then go check it out. If you watched the movie, then go watch it again and again and again until you're sick and tired of it. A Christmas Story comes in at 5 Red Ryder BB guns out of 5.
"I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time with more Christmas movies to review." Sean said.
Older Sean: (Narrating) That's one Christmas movie down, and a couple left for me to review.
"Will you stop it, man?!" Sean asked.
Older Sean: (To Sean) Sorry.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- I triple dog-dare you!
And that is all for that review. I've started it right when me and UltimateWarriorFan4Ever was working on the Commercials IX chapter. Hope that you all enjoyed this chapter and I hope that you got a good laugh from it. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean the Mayhem Critic will be taking a look at the 2000 action movie Reindeer Games, a Christmas movie that is not a good one. Make sure you review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. If you want to do a co-review with me, then feel free to PM me if you're interested. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.