The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and I am here to bring you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Well, Star Trek Month continues when Sean the Mayhem Critic takes a look at the lighthearted and environmentally-charged sequel Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home. Is this one considered to be the best one in the franchise? We'll find out today in the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights and references belong to their respective sources. Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home is owned by Paramount Pictures.
Star Trek Month Part II: Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home
(The Star Trek Month intro is shown, before cutting to Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting on his couch in his living room as he gets ready to start his introduction)
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said before he says another word. "This is personally one of my favorite Star Trek movies."
(The title screen for "Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home" is shown, followed by a montage of clips from the movie while the main title theme composed by Leonard Rosenman plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on November 26th, 1986. When I watched this movie when I was a kid, I didn't care for it. Mostly because The Wrath of Khan was my favorite movie. But when I watched this movie again when I was like seventeen, my opinion for this movie changed. It was pretty awesome. It definitely won me over. Just like Star Trek III, Leonard Nimoy stepped into the director's chair once again and he wrote the script along with producer Harve Bennett, in which they conceived a story with an environmental message. That usually don't work well in movies. Screenwriters Steve Meerson and Peter Krikes contributed to the script with their first screenplay, but the execs at Paramount were dissatisfied with their script, so they brought in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan director Nicholas Meyer to help rewrite it. And from what I've heard, they originally wanted Eddie Murphy to be in the movie as a college professor. But Paramount declined the script because they did not want to combine Star Trek and Beverly Hills Cop because it was their two most profitable franchises, plus Murphy had signed on to do The Golden Child instead. (A poster for The Golden Child is shown) Anyway, with this movie being an even-numbered Star Trek film, it's considered to be one of the best. I can't say that the film is flawless, but there are few little nitpicks to talk about when it comes to the story and the little things like... (A picture of the humpback whales are shown) yeah, we'll talk about them when we get to the movie.
(A clip from Cheech & Chong's Nice Dreams is shown)
Cheech (Played by Cheech Marin): (Sings) Save the whales. Oh, funky momma, save the whales.
(We go back to the movie's footage being shown)
Sean: (Narrating) But it goes without saying. Just like The Wrath of Khan, this movie left a big impact. This is the one that was praised for it's comedy and it's environmental message and you don't have a villain that's out to destroy the world. I'm excited to look over this movie again and I am happy to share the fun with you, so let's jump right in.
"Let's look at one of the awesome even-numbered films, Star Trek IV." Sean said.
(The movie opens with a text dedicating the people of the spaceship Challenger)
Sean: (Narrating) The movie opens with a dedication to the people of the spaceship Challenger and then we get our opening credits as we get the usual Star Trek theme and...
(The main titles are shown and a new theme music for the movie is heard)
"Okay, just seeing the name of the movie puts a smile on my face everytime as well as hearing the music. It just has that feel of adventure." Sean said, smiling.
Sean: (Narrating) You might notice something about the movie, you don't have Jerry Goldsmith or James Horner composing the music. Leonard Rosenman, who composed the music for RoboCop 2 and the animated Lord of the Rings movie, composed the music for the movie and as much as I love Goldsmith and Horner's music score for the Star Trek movies, this is one of my favorites.
(The theme music plays in the background as Sean notices Nicholas Meyer's screenwriting credit)
"And you know that your film is going to be really good when Nicholas Meyer is involved and we'll talk about why later on." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We see a mysterious alien probe moving through space and it is detected by the USS Saratoga as the ship's captain, played by the late Madge Sinclair...
"Who you might recognize her as Queen Aoleon in Coming to America. She would also appear as Geordi's mother Captain Silva La Forge in Star Trek: The Next Generation. And of course, we all know her as the voice of Sarabi in The Lion King." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, the captain of the USS Saratoga contacts Starfleet and they inform them on the probe heading to the Terran solar system. So, what does Starfleet do? They just tell Saratoga to keep tracking the probe.
Saratoga Captain (Played by Madge Sinclair): We are tracking a probe of unknown origin on apparent trajectory to the Terran solar system. Attempts to communicate with the probe have been negative on all known frequencies.
Starfleet Voice: (on intercom) Continue tracking, Saratoga. We will analyze transmissions and advise
Sean: (V/O as Saratoga Captain) Uh, are you sure about that?
Brian: (V/O as Starfleet Officer) Yes, I'm sure. Don't worry, nothing bad will happen to you... yet.
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to the United Federation of Planets headquarters on Earth as we see that the council members are viewing the footage of the destruction of the Enterprise. How'd they manage to get the footage, I don't know. Maybe they just want to inform the audience in case they missed it.
"See? This is why the UK version of the film had a recap of the third film." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The Klingon Ambassador, played by John Schuck, demands the extradition of Admiral Kirk for murdering a Klingon crew and for stealing a Klingon vessel.
Klingon Ambassador (Played by John Schuck): Not only is he responsible for the murder of a Klingon crew, the theft of a Klingon vessel, see now the real plot and intentions. Even as this Federation was negotiating a peace treaty with us, Kirk was secretly developing the Genesis...
(A clip from Star Trek III: The Search for Spock is shown)
Alien (Played by Allan Miller): Genes...
(Immediately, we see an explosion which creates a giant hole in the Alien's head as we see Sean holding his Smith & Wesson Model 29 magnum)
"Nope! Not today, bitch!" Sean yelled out as he sits his magnum down on the coffee table. "I'm getting sick and tired of this guy interrupting me every time somebody mentions "Genesis". It had to be done."
Sean: (Narrating) The Klingon ambassador demands justice for Kirk being a renegade and terrorist, but Ambassador Sarek steps in to defend Kirk on his behalf.
Sarek (Played by Mark Lenard): Your vessel did destroy USS Grissom. Your men did kill Kirk's son. Do you deny these events?
Klingon Ambassador: We deny nothing. We have the right to preserve our race.
Sarek: You have the right to commit murder?
"Now you see, I'm with Sarek on this one. The Klingons are the ones who shed their first blood. I mean, why does Kirk have to be the one on trial here and not the Klingons. Also, he saved Spock and sacrificed his ship.
Sean: (Narrating) The Federation Council President, played by the late Robert Ellenstein, tells the Klingon ambassador that Kirk has been charged with nine violations of Starfleet regulations, but the Klingon ambassador warns him that there shall be no peace as long as Kirk lives.
"Also, I just realized what the council member called the Klingon ambassador when I turned the subtitles on." Sean said.
Council Member: (Off-screen) You pompous ass!
"That flew over my head when I was a kid and as a teenager. And watching it right now, I just noticed that." Sean said. "Also, I thought it was funny when that guy called him a "pompous ass". That was hilarious."
Council Member: (Off-screen) You pompous ass!
"That line would work perfectly for a character that I didn't like for a movie or in a TV show." Sean said.
(A clip from Game of Thrones is shown)
King Joffrey (Played by Jack Gleeson): YOU'RE TALKING TO A KING!
(Tyrion slaps Joffrey)
Tyrion Lannister: (His dialogue is replaced) You pompous ass!
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to the planet Vulcan, where we see Kirk and the crew of the Enterprise are on their third month of exile with their captured Klingon vessel and they've all voted unanimously to return to Earth to face the consequences of their actions for rescuing Spock.
McCoy (Played by DeForest Kelley): You think they could at least send a ship. It's bad enough to be court-martialed, and spend the rest of our lives mining borite, but we have to go home in this Klingon flea trap.
Kirk (Played by William Shatner): We could learn a thing or two from this flea trap. It's got a cloaking device that cost us a lot.
Sean: (Narrating) You know what I've just thought about? Whatever happened to Maltz? The last time we saw him was in The Search for Spock and not in this movie. Hell, he could've been the perfect Klingon crew member for the Enterprise.
"Trekkies, I demand to know what happened to Maltz. Can someone please tell me right now?" Sean asked.
(Kirk looks up and sees Spock standing at a cliff looking down at them and the ship)
Sean: (V/O as Kirk) Spock.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that Spock retrains his mind on a computer, showing that he has regained full control of his mind. Yeah, that's what happens when you get resurrected back to life on a planet. But then he gets stumbled by a question that the computer has asked him.
Computer Voice: How do you feel?
(Spock looks confused)
Computer Voice: How do you feel? How do you feel?
Spock (Played by Leonard Nimoy): I do not understand the question.
"Dude, you're recovering from coming back to life, of course you don't understand the question." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah. This is where Spock acts like Eleven from Stranger Things because he tends to act confused on some certain things and trying new things as well, which we'll get to later on and it's funny because I see Eleven doing these things.
Amanda (Played by Jane Wyatt): What is it, Spock?
Sean: (Narrating) Spock's mother Amanda, played by Jane Wyatt, checks in on her son to see how he's holding up
Spock: I do not understand the question, Mother.
Amanda: But you're half-human. The computer knows that.
Spock: The question is irrelevant.
Amanda: Spock, the retraining of your mind has been in the Vulcan way, so you may not understand feelings. But as my son, you have them. They will surface.
Spock: As you wish, since you deem them of value, but I cannot wait here to find them.
Amanda: Why? Where must you go?
"I'm going to go film Three Men and a Baby, Mother. It's going to be my biggest hit ever." Sean said, imitating Spock.
Sean: (Narrating) Spock tells his mother that he must go to Earth with his friends to offer testimony because, you know, he was there.
Amanda: Spock. Does the good of the many outweigh the good of the one?
Spock: I would accept that as an axiom.
Amanda: Then you stand here alive because of a mistake made by your flawed, feeling, human friends. They have sacrificed their futures because they believed that the good of the one, you, was more important to them.
Spock: Humans make illogical decisions.
"Hell, you made an illogical decision for doing the narration for the game Seaman." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, the mysterious probe comes close to the Saratoga and starts screwing up the ship's power with it's powerful signal, so the captain sends a distress call to Starfleet, who has a little problem of their own as Admiral Cartwright, played by Brock Peters, gives the president an update on what's going on with the probe.
Admiral Cartwright (Played by Brock Peters): Mister President, the probe is headed directly for us, the signal is damaging everything in it's path. The Klingons have lost two vessels. Two starships and three smaller vessels have been neutralized.
Federation President (Played by Robert Ellenstein): Neutralized? How?
Admiral Cartwright: We don't know. Get me the Yorktown.
(The captain of the USS Yorktown appears on-screen)
Starship Captain (Played by Vijay Amritraj): Emergency channel zero one three zero. Code red.
"Oh, hey look! It's Vijay from Octopussy. I did not know that an actor from a James Bond movie appeared in a Star Trek movie." Sean said.
Starship Captain: Our systems engineers are trying to deploy a makeshift solar-sail. We have high hopes that this will, if successful, generate power to keep us alive.
"Yeah, sometimes solar energy don't work, so you're screwed." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back on Vulcan, we see that Kirk and the Enterprise crew prepare to leave for Earth. But before they do that, Kirk says his goodbyes to Lt. Saavik, who is staying behind on Vulcan.
Lt. Saavik (Played by Robin Curtis): Sir, I have not had the opportunity to tell you about your son. David died most bravely. He saved Spock. He saved us all. I thought you should know.
(Spock arrives on the bridge)
Lt. Saavik: Good day, Captain Spock. May your journey be free of incident.
Spock: Live long and prosper, Lieutenant.
"Okay, everybody. Say goodbye to Lt. Saavik because this is the only time that you would see her in the movie. Until you see Robin Curtis in Star Trek: The Next Generation as a different character in the two-part episode Gambit in the show's seventh and final season. She played Tallera in the episode. Ha! I brought up that important information right before Caleb the Sci-Fi Geek interrupts the transmission!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Spock comes aboard and we watch our heroes leave Vulcan and set a course for Earth. And speaking of Earth, the probe reaches Earth and it starts screwing everything up.
(The probe neutralizes Spacedock)
Sean: (V/O as Starfleet Officer) Hey, Frank! Did you pay the electric bill?
Brian: (V/O as Starfleet Officer): I did, Chuck! I paid the damn bill.
Sean: (V/O) Then why is the power going off?
Brian: (V/O) I don't know! You tell me!
Sean: (V/O) Oh, bite me!
Sean: (Narrating) And to top it all off, the probe is messing with the weather on Earth while it continues it's transmission. While on their way to Earth, Kirk and the crew are monitoring the comm channels that are overflooded with multiphasic transmissions while McCoy checks up on Spock.
McCoy: Well, I just wanted to say it sure is nice to have your katra back in your head, not mine. What I mean is I may have carried your soul, but I sure couldn't fill your shoes.
Spock: My shoes.
McCoy: Forget it! Perhaps we could cover a little philosophical ground? Life, death, life. Things of that nature?
Spock: I did not have time on Vulcan to review the philosophical disciplines.
McCoy: Come on Spock, it's me, McCoy! You really have gone where no man has gone before.
"Well, that's what happens when you sing about the ballad of Bilbo Baggins." Sean said, referencing the song that Leonard Nimoy sang.
Sean: (Narrating) Uhura tells Kirk that the signal is finally coming in through from the Federation as the president tells all ships everywhere to avoid the planet Earth at all cost because probe wrecking the environment.
Kirk: Uhura, let's hear the probe's transmissions.
Uhura (Played by Nichelle Nichols): Yes, sir. On speakers.
(They begin to hear the probe's signal on speakers)
"Okay, I would just like to point out that the sound effects for the movie are pretty good." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Props to the movie's sound editor Mark Mangini. He had to come up with several possible sound effects for the probe, none of which Leonard Nimoy liked, but when he came up with the perfect sound effect for probe when Nimoy did a vocal impression of the sound he thought the alien probe should make. And I absolutely love the sound of the probe, it gives off a menacing yet threatening sound.
"To the sound editors who worked on the movie, kudos to you." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Spock hears the sound of the probe and learns that the probe's transmissions are the songs sung by humpback whales. But here's the problem, humpback whales have been extinct since the 21st century.
Kirk: Spock, could the humpback's answer to this call be simulated?
Spock: Negative. Humpbacks were indigenous to Earth. Earth of the past.
Kirk: Then we have no choice. We must destroy the probe before it destroys Earth.
Spock: To attempt to do so would be so futile, Admiral. The probe could render us neutral easily.
Kirk: But we can't turn away. There must be an alternative.
"Well, what do you want to do, Kirk? Sing Rocketman to the probe?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) No, not singing Rocketman to the probe. Instead, to look for some humpback whales, they're going to travel back in time to bring them to the 23rd century so they can tell the probe to fuck off. Now, here's where I'm going to complain a bit. Why time travel? Do you think that time traveling for whales is important? I mean, they did that back in the television show and they're gonna do that in this movie? But then again, this is Kirk's bright idea and they have done it before. So, Kirk sends a transmission to Starfleet Command as we see that the situation on Earth is worsening.
Kirk: (On viewscreen) ...We have intercepted and analyzed the call of the probe.
Admiral Cartwright: Go to reserve power. Now!
Kirk: (On viewscreen) It is our opinion that humpback whales can give a proper response to the probe.
Admiral Cartwright: Stabilize! Emergency reserve!
Starfleet Communications Officer: Emergency reserve.
Kirk: (On viewscreen) We are going to attempt time travel. We are computing our trajectory at this time.
Admiral Cartwright: Get him back! Get him back!
(The large windows break behind Admiral Cartwright)
Sean: (V/O as Admiral Cartwright) Oh, man. We're screwed.
Sean: (Narrating) While Earth is in trouble with the weather problem, Kirk and the crew of the Enterprise prepare to travel to the late 20th century with the Bird-of-Prey as they prepare to engage to warp speed around the sun in what I can say is the best sequence ever and I am impressed by this and the effects work from ILM. So after they successfully make it to the late 20th century, the year 1986, somehow still intact without getting fried by the sun. So they land in San Francisco after hearing the whale songs and also the Klingon dilithium crystals have been drained due to them time traveling and now it's time for Kirk to brief the crew on their mission.
Kirk: We'll divide into teams. Uhura and Chekov are assigned to the uranium problem.
Chekov (Played by Walter Koenig): Aye, sir.
Kirk: Dr. McCoy. You, Mr. Scott and Commander Sulu will convert us a whale tank.
Kirk: While Captain Spock and I will attempt to trace these whale songs to their source.
Uhura: I'll have bearing and distance for you, sir.
Kirk: I want you all to be very careful. This is terra incognita. Many of their customs will doubtless take us by surprise.
(McCoy turns to Spock)
Kirk: It's a forgone conclusion that none of these people have ever seen an extra-terrestrial before.
"If they did, then the geeks would lose their shit." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And this is where hilarity ensues as we see Kirk and the crew trying to deal with the year 1986, which leads to some memorable quotes and some pretty funny moments. Especially this one.
(As Kirk crosses the street, a cab driver stops in front of him)
Cab Driver: Hey, why don't you watch where you're going, you dumbass!
Kirk: Well, double dumbass on you!
"That line still cracks me up everytime." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) To realizing that this time period is still using money because in the 23rd century, they don't use money because...
(A clip from Star Trek: First Contact is shown)
Picard (Played by Patrick Stewart): We work to better ourselves and the rest of humanity.
"Yeah. What he said." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Now, the time traveling portion was written by Nicholas Meyer and he did a pretty good job at it. Plus, what makes this movie really good was it's humor. Which is the reason why they always show it on HBO Comedy. This is what makes this movie work. The movie has a lot of funny moments in it. Okay, I know that Kirk and the crew act like a bunch of idiots in 1986, but this is what makes this movie really good. It deals with the outsider theme like they always do in time travel movies, just like Time After Time, a movie that Nicholas Meyer directed. You have H.G. Wells time traveling to 1970s San Francisco to chase after Jack the Ripper. That was done pretty well. And speaking of hilarity ensuing, you have our heroes splitting up into three groups: you have McCoy, Sulu and Scotty making a whale tank, Uhura and Chekov finding the address for the Alameda Naval Base and Kirk and Spock finding the whales after Kirk sees an ad for the Cetacean Institute. I absolutely love William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy in the scenes that they do together as they show off their comedic chops and we get some hilarious moments from them when they get tossed back off the bus because they didn't have the exact change, which cracks me up every time. Also, let's not forget about the moment involving some punk rocker, played by Kirk Thatcher, listening to his music on the bus.
(A punk rocker with a mohawk is playing the song "I Hate You" on a stereo)
Kirk: Excuse me? Excuse me! Would you mind stopping that noise?
(The punk rocker turns up the volume on his stereo)
Kirk: Excuse me! Would you mind stopping that damn noise!
(The punk rocker gives Kirk the middle finger. Spock does the Vulcan nerve pinch on him, knocking him out and stops the music. He then gains a round of applause from the passengers on the bus and Kirk too)
"Hey, that same guy will make an appearance in Star Trek: Picard and he actually turns his music down. Mostly because he doesn't want Seven of Nine to kick his ass. Also, he makes an appearance in Spider-Man: Homecoming." Sean said.
Spock: Admiral, may I ask you a question?
Kirk: Spock. don't call me Admiral. You used to call me Jim. Don't you remember? Jim, What's your question?
Spock: Your use of language has altered since our arrival. It is currently laced with, shall I say, more colorful metaphors. 'Double dumbass on you' and so forth.
Kirk: You mean profanity. That's simply the way they talk here. Nobody pays attention to you if you don't swear every other word. You'll find it in all the literature of the period.
"Just take a look at the franchise, they boldened their use of colorful metaphors." Sean said.
(A clip from Star Trek: Generations is shown)
Data (Played by Brent Spiner): Oh, shit!
(A clip from Star Trek: Discovery is shown)
Sylvia Tilly (Played by Mary Wiseman): ...this is so fucking cool!
Paul Stamets (Played by Anthony Rapp): ...it is fucking cool.
Michael Burnham (Played by Sonequa Martin-Green): Shit, that worked!
(A clip from Star Trek: Picard is shown)
Admiral Kirsten Clancy (Played by Ann Magnuson): Sheer fucking hubris./Shut the fuck up!
Picard: You want to be ass-deep in Romulans for the rest of your life?/We'll run the risk of pissing me off.
Dr. Agnes Jurati (Played by Alison Pill): I'm not their mother, asshole.
"Well, there you go, Star Trek. You ruined this franchise with your goddamn colorful metaphors, you cocksucking, pussy, piece of shit, motherfuckers." Sean said with a smile on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) Kirk and Spock arrive at the Cetacean Institute and they join a tour group led by their guide Dr. Gillian Taylor, played by Catherine Hicks.
"Aw, great! That's just great! First, Stephen Collins. And now, Catherine Hicks. I think I've filled my 7th Heaven quota for the show." Sean said. "And I know what you're going to say, you all recognize her as Andy's mom in Child's Play, but I had to say 7th Heaven because I used to watch that show. I can't now because I have my reasons."
Sean picks up a photo of Stephen Collins as Reverend Eric Camden from 7th Heaven and holds it up to the camera as he looks at it, giving the photo the death glare.
"Seriously, fuck Stephen Collins. He's on my shit list along with Scott Baio, Kevin Sorbo, Nick Adams, Lauren Bobert. The list goes on." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) I have to admit, I really enjoy Catherine Hicks' character. We see how passionate she is about the whales and saving the whales. Hell, she's the best character in the movie. And you want to know what's funny? In an interview that she did back in 2012, Catherine Hicks revealed that she hadn't seen the original series before she was cast in the movie and she knew nothing about the characters. Hicks brings a certain charm to her character.
Gillian (Played by Catherine Hicks): Since the dawn of time, men have harvested whales for a variety of purposes, most of which can be achieved synthetically at this point. One hundred years ago,using hand-thrown harpoons, man did plenty of damage, but that is nothing compared to what he has achieved in this century..
Sean: (Narrating) She shows them actual footage of whales being hunted. She should just show them the whaling episode of Captain Planet and she shows them the institute's whales George and Gracie. And yes, that is actual footage of humpback whales and with the work of animatronics too and it looks amazing. Plus, Spock does something incredibly stupid.
(During the tour, Kirk sees Spock in the whale tank while he performs a mind meld on Gracie)
Gillian: Are they some kind of navigational signal?
"Okay, I just love Kirk's facial expressions during this scene. It just cracks me up." Sean said.
Gillian: Or is it pure communication beyond our comprehension? Frankly, we just don't know.
Lady in Tour (Played by Viola Stimpson): Maybe he's singing to that man.
(Gillian turns around and notices Spock in the whale tank)
Gillian: What the hell?!
Sean: (V/O as Gillian) Some weird guy with pointy ears is messing with my whales! Not on my watch!
Sean: (Narrating) Gillian confronts Spock as he tries to explain that he's trying to communicate with the whales and we get a pretty hilarious scene in which Spock tries out some colorful metaphors.
Gillian: Okay. I don't know what this is all about, but I want you guys out of here right now or I call the cops.
Kirk: I assure you that won't be necessary. We were only trying to help.
Gillian: The hell you were, buster. Your friend was messing up my whales.
Spock: They like you very much. But they are not the hell your whales.
Gillian: I-I suppose they told you that, huh?
Spock: The hell they did.
(Kirk turns to Spock and looks at him)
"Spock, really? Did you have to try out the colorful metaphors that I told you about?" Sean asked, imitating Kirk.
Kirk: Spock
Spock: Yes?
Kirk: About those colorful metaphors we discussed. I don't think you should try to use them any more.
Spock: Why not?
"Because you suck at using colorful metaphors." Sean said.
(A clip from Star Trek: First Contact is shown)
Lily Sloane (Played by Alfre Woodard): Bullshit!
Sean: (Narrating) Later, Gillian spends some time with the whales until her boss, Bob Briggs played by Scott DeVenney, shows up to check on her and she tells him how she's feeling.
Gillian: Bob, it's tearing me apart. Okay?
Bob Briggs (Played by Scott DeVenney): I know. I feel the same thing, but we're between a rock and a hard place. If we can't keep them here without risking their lives. We can't let them go without taking the same chance.
Gillian: I know. I know.
Bob Briggs: And besides we're not talking about human beings here. It's never been proven their intelligence is anyw...
Gillian: Oh, come on, Bob! I don't know about you, but my compassion for someone is not limited to my estimate of their intelligence.
"Way to be sensitive to a whale lover, dude." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Uhura and Chekov find the location of the nuclear vessel and Chekov reports to Kirk that they found the ship and he tells him that it's the Enterprise. After they finish their conversation, Kirk and Spock come across Gillian, who happens to be driving in the same area as them and she offers to give them a lift back to San Francisco.
Gillian: So, you were at Berkley?
Spock: I was not.
Kirk: Memory problems, too.
Gillian: What about you? Where are you from?
Kirk: Iowa.
Sean: (V/O as Kirk) Actually, I'm from Canada.
Kirk: Can I ask you a question?
Gillian: Go ahead.
Kirk: What's going to happen when you release the whales?
Gillian: They're going to have to take their chances.
Kirk: What does that mean, exactly? Take their chances.
Gillian: It means that they will be at risk from whale hunters same as the rest of the humpbacks.
"Well, there's Greenpeace. They can stop the evils of man." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Gillian asks Kirk what Spock meant about the whales' extinction and asks if they're from the military and then Spock blurts out a little bombshell about Gracie.
Spock: Gracie is pregnant.
(Gillian slams down on her brakes, stopping the truck)
Gillian: All right. Who are you? And don't jerk me around any more. I want to know how you know that.
Kirk: We can't tell you that.
Gillian: But...
Kirk: But, if you let me finish, I can tell you that we're not in the military and we intend no harm towards the whales.
Gillian: Then what...
Kirk: In fact, we may be able to help you in ways, that, frankly, you couldn't possibly imagine.
Gillian: Or believe, I'll bet.
Kirk: Very likely. You're not exactly catching us at our best.
Spock: That much is certain.
Kirk: I have a hunch that we'd all be a lot happier discussing this over dinner. What do you say?
"Looks like Kirk is working his charm on the ladies. Let's see if it works in the 1980s." Sean said.
Gillian: You guys like Italian?
Spock/Kirk: No. Yes. No. Yes.
Kirk: Yes, I love Italian and so do you.
Spock: Yes.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Scott and his team manage to find a manufacturer of large plexiglass called Plexicorp and him and McCoy pose as scientists from Edinburgh and they meet with the plant's head, Dr. Nichols played by Alex Henteloff while Sulu has his eyes on an old Huey 204 helicopter.
Pilot (Played by Tony Edwards): You fly?
Sulu (Played by George Takei): Oh, here and there. I flew something similar back in my Academy days
Pilot: Right. Then this must be old stuff to you.
Sulu: Old, yes, but interesting. Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?
Pilot: Do it.
Brian: (V/O off-screen as Sulu) Well, I have two questions. One: how many miles per hour does it go? And two: does it have warp drive?
"What you talkin' about, Sulu?" Sean asked, imitating the pilot.
Sean: (Narrating) Nichols takes Scotty and McCoy into his office and he compliments him with his knowledge of engineering skill and Scotty notices that Nichols is still working with polymers and he shows him a way to make a polymer wall that would be able to withstand a whole lot of water.
Nichols (Played by Alex Henteloff): You're joking.
McCoy: Perhaps the professor could use your computer.
Nichols: Please.
Scotty (Played by James Doohan): (Walks over to the computer): Computer. Computer.
(McCoy picks up the mouse and hands it to Scotty)
Scotty: Ah. (Speaks into the mouse) Hello, computer.
Nichols: Just use the keyboard.
Scotty: (Puts the mouse down) The keyboard. How quaint.
(Scotty rapidly types a formula into the computer that appears on the monitor screen)
Nichols: Transparent aluminum?
Scotty: That's the ticket, laddie.
Nichols: It would take years just to figure out the dynamics of this matrix.
McCoy: Yes, but you would be rich beyond the dreams of avarice.
Scotty: So, is it worth something to you?
"Oh, yeah. I'm gonna make a shitload of money with this formula. And tons of hot babes, too." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Kirk, him and Gillian take Spock back to Golden Gate Park because he won't be joining them for dinner and then we get a little charming scene between Kirk and Gillian as we see the two of them having dinner at a pizza restaurant.
Gillian: Do you trust me?
Kirk: Implicitly.
Gillian: (To the waiter) A large mushroom-pepperoni with extra onions and a Michelob, please.
Waiter (Played by Bob Sarlatte): Great choice. (To Kirk) And you, sir?
Kirk: Make that two of them.
Waiter: Thank you.
"Which makes me wonder who eats a pizza with pepperoni, mushrooms and extra onions? Me? I'm more of a pepperoni and extra cheese type of guy. I'll take that any day." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) What can I say about this scene? You don't need action throughout the film. Both William Shatner and Catherine Hicks nailed this scene perfectly and I love the chemistry between the two of them, even though Shatner was 55 at the time and Hicks was 35. Shatner was awkward yet confident at the same time in this scene. I especially like his subtle reaction to taking a sip of Michelob beer. It is priceless.
Gillian: I want to know why you travel around with that ditzy guy who knows that Gracie's pregnant and calls you Admiral? (Sighs) Where could you take them?
Kirk: Hmm?
Gillian: My whales. Where could you take them where they'd be safe?
Kirk: Well it's not so much a matter of a place as of a time.
Gillian: The time would have to be right now.
"Well, he's just book them a nice, fancy suite with Priceline. Hey, he's the Priceline Negotiator." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Gillian shows how passionate she is about the whales and when Scotty calls Kirk on the tricorder, Gillian demands to know the real truth about Kirk.
Kirk: The truth?
Gillian: I'm all ears.
(Kirk chuckles as well as Gillian. Kirk continues to chuckle for a bit)
Kirk: Okay. The truth. (Sips his beer) I am from what, on your calendar, would be the late 2rd century. I've come back in time to bring two humpback whales with me in an attempt to repopulate the species. (Drinks some more of beer)
(A cuckoo clock sound effect plays in the background)
Gillian: Well, why didn't you just say so? I mean, why all the coy disguises?
"Well, what did you want him to say? You want him to say that he's actually T.J. Hooker?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Gillian tells Kirk that Gracie is very pregnant and at noon tomorrow, the whales get shipped out, so Kirk and Gillain have to take their dinner to go.
Waiter: Who gets the bad news?
Gillian: Don't tell me, they don't use money in the 23rd century.
Kirk: Well, we don't.
"Ah, ah, ah. We're not going to go over the economics system of Star Trek. If you want to know more about it, then go check out Rowan J. Coleman's channel on YouTube. He does a video on how Star Trek's moneyless society works." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Later that night, Uhura and Chekov sneak aboard the USS Enterprise to collect the photons in the reactor area, but then they are discovered by the military. Scotty beams up Uhura because the transporter is down to minimal and he has to beam them up one at a time. As for Chekov, he gets captured by the military and he ends up being interrogated for being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
FBI Agent (Played by Jeff Lester): All right, Commander. Is there anything you want to tell us?
Chekov: Like what?
FBI Agent: Like who you really are, and what you're doing here, and what these things here are.
Chekov: I am Pavel Chekov, a commander in Starfleet, United Federation of number 656-5827D.
FBI Agent: All right. Let's take it from the top.
Chekov: The top of what?
FBI Agent: Name.
Chekov: My name?
FBI Agent: No, my name!
Chekov: I do not know your name.
FBI Agent: You play games with me, mister, and you're through.
Chekov: I am? May I go now?
"I want to leave this wessle so I can go check out that music store that plays "Running Up That Hill". Who is Kate Bush and why is she running up that hill?" Sean asked, imitating Chekov.
(Chekov picks up his phaser and aims it at the investigators)
Sean: (Narrating) Chekov threatens to set his phaser to stun on the investigators if they don't get down on the ground and this really is a moment that needed a clip from another Star Trek property.
Chekov: I'm very sorry, but...
(Chekov tries to fire his phaser, but the radiation has disabled his phaser)
(Cut to Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, showing the season five episode Doctor Bashir, I Presume is briefly shown)
Captain Benjamin Sisko (Played by Avery Brooks): Ha!
"Hey, I know that it didn't exist yet, but still I have a reason to show it." Sean said.
(Chekov attempts to escape from his captors with the military chasing after him. But before he can get off of the Enterprise, he falls off a ledge)
Sean: (Narrating) Chekov runs away from the military, but he ends up falling off a ledge and he's severely injured. Yeah, he had one job. ONE JOB! And that was not get himself hurt.
"What is it with this franchise and having bad things happening to poor Chekov? He has his hand burned by V'Ger, had a Ceti eel crawl into his ear and he falls off a ledge in this one. Geez, the dude was a telepath in Babylon 5 and he didn't even see that one coming." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Gillian arrives at the Institute to find that the whales are gone and she's not taking it very well.
Bob Briggs: They left last night. We didn't want a mob scene with the press. It wouldn't have been good for them. Besides, we thought it'd be easier on you, this way.
Gillian: You sent them away without me saying goodbye to them?
Bob Briggs: Gillian.
Gillian: You son of a bitch!
(Gillian slaps Bob hard across the face)
"Damn! Okay, I actually felt that slap in the face. Plus, I just love that dude's reaction." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) From what I've read about the movie's trivia, Catherine Hicks improvised the hard slap and Scott DeVenney's reaction is real. Hell, this slap deserves a clip from Friday.
Gillian: You son of a bitch!
(Gillian gives Bob a hard slap)
(Cut to a clip from Friday)
Craig (Played by Ice Cube) and Smokey (Played by Chris Tucker): DAAAAAAMN!
Sean: (Narrating) Gillian drives down to Golden Gate Park and goes to Kirk for assistance.
Gillian: Admiral! Admiral Kirk! Wait! Admiral! Admiral Kirk!
(Gillian bumps into the Bounty, which is still cloaked)
"And apparently, Catherine Hicks is prone to invisible walls." Sean said.
Scotty: (After he notices Gillian) Admira, we have a problem!
(Kirk sees Gillian screaming for him on the monitor and he beams her up)
Gillian: Oh, my God!
(Gillian screams as she is being transported in the transporter chamber. After she materializes, Kirk approaches her)
Kirk: Hello, Alice. Welcome to Wonderland.
Gillian: Oh, it's true.
Kirk: It's true.
Gillian: What you said.
Kirk: Yes, it is.
"Well, I told you that I was from space and you didn't believe me." Sean said, imitating Kirk.
Sean: (Narrating) Gillian tells Kirk that the whales were taken last night and that they're in Alaska by now. But Kirk's got some bigger problems of his own because Chekov is still missing and Uhura tells Kirk that she located Chekov in Mercy Hospital and he is going into emergency surgery and he is not expected to survive.
McCoy: Jim... you've got to let me go in there. Don't leave him in the hands of 20th century medicine.
Spock: Admiral, may I suggest that Dr. McCoy is correct? We must help Chekov.
Kirk: Is that the logical thing to do, Spock?
Spock: No, but it is the human thing to do.
Kirk: Right. (Turns to Gillian) Will you help us?
Gillian: How?
"Well, for starters, you could not shell out religious propaganda." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Operation: Chekov is in effect as Kirk, McCoy and Gillian pose as doctors to save Chekov and after having a run-in with a young Byron Sully...
"No, I'm not kidding. That's Joe Lando from Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman and he's in a Star Trek movie." Sean said.
Doctor: Who are you? Why aren't you masked? Who are these people?
Nurse #1: I don't know.
(McCoy examines Chekov)
Doctor (Played by Raymond Singer): What the hell is that? What are you doing?
McCoy: Tearing of the middle meningeal artery.
Doctor: What's your degree in, dentistry?
"Hey, hey, hey! You watch what you say around Dr. McCoy, asshole. Where did you get your degree clown college?" Sean asked.
McCoy: How do you explain slowing pulse, low respiratory rate, and coma?
Doctor: Funduscopic examination.
McCoy: Funduscopic examination is unrevealing in these cases.
Doctor: A simple evacuation of the expanding epidural hematoma will relieve the pressure.
McCoy: My God, man. Drilling holes in his head is not the answer. The artery must be repaired. Now put away your butcher knives and let me save this patient before it's too late.
"I'm a doctor, dammit! I know what I'm doing." Sean said, imitating McCoy.
Sean: (Narrating) Kirk locks the doctors up in another room by melting the lock with his phaser and they manage heal Chekov's injury with a cortical stimulator and Chekov wakes up.
Kirk: (As Chekov wakes up) Pavel, talk to me. Name. Rank.
Chekov: Chekov, Pavel. Rank: Admiral.
"Bester, Alfred. I work for Psi Corps." Sean said. "Oh, wait. Wrong guy. Sorry."
Sean: (Narrating) They try to smuggle Chekov out of the hospital, but Judge Craig McMullen from The Bold & the Beautiful is on to them and we get a hilarious little chase scene. I also love this little moment when right in the middle of the mayhem, this old lady is happy that she grew a new kidney that McCoy gave her because she had dialysis. Hell, the one casualty here in this scene is the guy with the broken leg. That poor guy was busy minding his own business and he ends up getting caught in the crossfire of the chase. Anyway, they manage to escape with Scotty beaming them out of there safely and Kirk gets ready to leave so he can go after the whales.
Gillian: I'm coming with you.
Kirk: You can't. Our next stop is the 23rd century.
Gillian: Well, I don't care. I've got nobody here. I've got to save those whales!
Kirk: I haven't got time to argue with you, or to tell you how much you've meant to us.
"Don't worry, we'll watch reruns of Tucker's Witch to remember you by." Sean said, imitating Kirk while a photo of Catherine Hicks from the 198 TV series Tucker's Witch is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) Gillian gives Kirk the whales' radio frequency and leaps into Kirk's arms right when Scotty beams him up. So now, she's joining them on their quest to save the whales as they track down their location only to find them about to be hunted by a whaling ship and we get a pretty tense scene. A scene so tense that the movie goes all Battlefield Earth on our asses with it's dutch angles.
Sulu: Ten seconds, sir.
(One of the whales surfaces as the whaler fires a harpoon at it, but the harpoon drops into the ocean after a metallic clunk)
Sean: (V/O as Whaler) What the hell was that?
(The Bounty decloaks over the whaling ship, causing the whalers to panic)
Brian: (V/O as Whaler #2) Okay, I think we regret our life choices! Please don't kill us!
Sean: (V/O) Dude, what are you spinning the ship around for?! Go back for the whales!
Brian: (V/O) Screw you, man! I'm switching a different job!
Sean: (Narrating) Scotty beams the whales up and then we get the best line from Scotty.
Scotty: Admiral, there be whales here!
"One of my favorite lines in the movie. I still say that this is my favorite line." Sean said.
Kirk: Well, double dumbass on you!
(Kirk and Gillian check on the whales in the whale tank)
Kirk: "They say the sea is cold, but the sea contains the hottest blood of all."
Gillian: (Turns to Kirk) "Whales weep not." D.H. Lawrence.
"When you whip out a quote from D.H. Lawrence to a woman, you know that she's into you. It worked for me when I quoted "Yakko's Universe Song" to Taylor when we first met." Sean said.
Kirk: You know, it's ironic, when man was killing these creatures, he was destroying his own future.
"Well, man tends to be a complete dick when harming whales. That is the dangers of man." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The crew get ready to return to the 23rd century and they approach Earth, where they come across the probe and the ship loses power.
Admiral Cartwright: Get him back, get him back!
(The large window breaks)
Sarek: (Points to the Bounty) Look!
Admiral Cartwright: They're heading for the bridge!
(The Bounty sails under the Golden Gate Bridge)
"Just a quick side note: that is my favorite shot of the movie." Sean said.
(The Bounty crash lands in San Francisco Bay)
Kirk: We're in the water! Blow the hatch!
"Well, at least you could say that this is the worst water ski ever." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) They abandon the ship before it sinks while Kirk goes back to get Scotty and Gillian and also to free the whales, allowing the whales to swim out of the ship and the whales start communicating with the probe.
(We see the subtitles for the whales and the probe on-screen)
Probe: 'Sup.
Whale: Look, here. I want you to do me a favor. Leave this planet alone.
Probe: Oh, come on! I was just messing around!
Whale: You're screwing up the weather.
Probe: Am not!
Whale: Fuck off!
Probe: No!
Whale: I said leave!
Probe: Fine. I'm sorry.
Whale: Thank you.
Sean: (Narrating) So the probe leaves and the weather on Earth starts to calm down and power is restored all around the planet and everyone is happy. I just love this scene just seeing the cast having some fun while Leonard Rosenman's music score plays in the background. But there's still the issue at hand here as Kirk and the crew have to face trial before the Federation Council.
Federation Council President: The charges and specifications are: conspiracy, assault on Federation officers, theft of Federation property, namely the Starship Enterprise, sabotage of the U.S.S. Excelsior, willful destruction of Federation property, specifically the aforementioned U.S.S. Enterprise, and finally, disobeying direct orders of the Starfleet Commander. Admiral Kirk, how do you plead?
"Say not guilty. Say not guilty." Sean said.
Kirk: On behalf of all of us, Mr. President, I'm authorized to plead guilty.
"Just play it. Play the clip." Sean said.
(Cut to Star Trek: The Next Generation, showing the season three episode The Offspring, is briefly shown featuring Captain Picard doing the double facepalm)
"Yeah, that's the same reaction that I would make if I was in the council chambers." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The Council drops all charges except for one against Kirk for disobeying a superior officer, and he's demoted to captain and he's returned to the command of a starship and everyone is grateful for him and his crew for saving the world. But before he goes to his new starship, Kirk and Gillian part ways since she's going to her starship since she's been assigned to a science vessel by Starfleet.
Kirk: You mean this is goodbye?
Gillian: Why does it have to be goodbye?
Kirk: Well… like they say in your century, I don't even have your telephone number.
(They both laugh)
Kirk: How will I find you?
Gillian: Don't worry. I'll find you. (Kisses Kirk on the cheek) See you around the galaxy.
"And I know that some of you Trekkies out there are composing a naughty fanfic about Kirk and Gillian. Don't act like you don't want to." Sean said while he points directly at the camera.
Sean: (Narrating) Spock and his father say their goodbye's and Sarek accepts his son's earlier choice to enter Starfleet and Spock has a message that he has to deliver to his mother.
Spock: Tell her… I feel fine. (Raises his hand in the Vulcan salute) Live long and prosper, Father.
Sarek: (Raises his hand) Live long and prosper, my son.
Sean: (V/O as Spock) God, I'm definitely going to need some Aleve after doing the Vulcan salute. It's killing my hand.
Sean: (Narrating) Kirk and the crew fly down to spacedock to their new ship.
McCoy: The bureaucratic mentality is the only constant in the universe. We'll get a freighter.
Sulu: With all respect, Doctor, I'm counting on Excelsior.
Scotty: Excelsior? Why in God's name would you want that bucket of bolts?
"Yeah, Sulu. Just wait until The Undiscovered Country. You'll be the captain of Excelsior." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And here, this is the moment where everybody in the theater applauded and this is one of the best moments in Star Trek history. We see the shuttle carrying Kirk and his crew flying to their ship. And you would think that they're getting Excelsior. And when you hear the fanfare from The Original Series, delivering the big payoff, which is the reveal of the Enterprise-A. I bet whoever saw the movie back in '86 stood up and applauded from the reveal. I get a tear of joy over this beautiful scene because the last time we saw the Enterprise, it was destroyed. And seeing it once again, brings a smile on your face.
Kirk: My friends, we've come home.
Sean: (Narrating) Therefore, happy ending! Kirk and his crew return to the Enterprise and Kirk sits in the captain's chair as they prepare to boldly go where no man has gone before.
Kirk: Let's see what she's got.
(The movie ends with the Enterprise engaging in warp drive)
"And that was Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home and the movie is still fantastic." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) This is the one that people considered this one to be the best one in the series. It's also a great conclusion to what I call the Genesis Trilogy, which started with Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. The lines are so quotable, the story was interesting and perfect, the characters are memorable, the visual effects are amazing as always and the comedy is top-notch. It has its moments but its still pretty good. It's still one of my favorite Star Trek movies of all-time, aside from The Wrath of Khan, The Undiscovered Country and First Contact. And I'm sure that I'm not alone if they love The Voyage Home. If you're in the mood for some lighthearted fun, then pop this sucker in or you can stream it on HBO Max if you haven't seen it in a while. Star Trek IV comes in at 5 humpback whales out of 5.
"Well, that's all for today's review and on the plus side, I've only got two Star Trek movies to review and the episode Spock's Brain to review! Do you know what that means? NO CALEB THE SCI-FI GEEK CAMEO! I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM AT ALL! Isn't that great? NO CALEB! No boring you out of your mind with every knowledge of Star Trek! No bitching about the little nitpicks that nobody gives a shit about! He's not gonna ruin this month! There's gonna be NO Caleb the Sci-Fi Geek cameo! NO CALEB THE SCI-FI GEEK CAMEO AT…
COMING UP NEXT:
Star Trek V: The Final Frontier with Special Guest Star Caleb the Sci-Fi Geek
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Well, double dumbass on you!
And that is all for the review of Star Trek IV. I know it is hard for me to make fun of a film that I really like. Yeah, you all know the feeling. But hey, it's still a perfect film. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Star Trek Month continues as Sean the Mayhem Critic reviews the worst Star Trek movie ever made, Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, and he's not doing the review alone because he is finally going to review the movie with Caleb the Sci-Fi Geek. Will they exact their vengeance on the movie and you know the old Klingon proverb, "Revenge is a dish best served cold". Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Also, if you want to do a co-review with me on Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country or the Star Trek episode Spock's Brain, feel free to PM if you're interested. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.