The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic and today's newest chapter is going to me a really good one and I'm pretty sure that you all remember this movie. Today, Sean the Mayhem Critic is going to take a look at the 1997 action-thriller Air Force One. Does this movie still hold up 26 years later? We'll find out today. So sit back, relax and grab a cold one. Here's the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S. I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights and references belong to their respective sources. Air Force One is owned by Columbia Pictures and Beacon Pictures.
Episode 170
Air Force One
(We open with the Mayhem Critic intro. After the intro ends, we cut to Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting on his red couch in his living room as he gets ready to start his introduction)
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one and happy President's Day to you all." Sean said.
(Pictures of past presidents and current presidents are shown in a montage)
Sean: (Narrating) Throughout the years, we have seen some good presidents. Presidents like Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, Franklin D. Roosevelt, Theodore Roosevelt, Dwight D. Eisenhower, Harry S. Truman, Thomas Jefferson, John F. Kennedy, Ronald Reagan, Bill Clinton, George H.W. Bush, George W. Bush, Barack Obama, (A picture of Donald Trump is shown) Get him out of here! Joe Biden. These are the presidents that we consider to be the best presidents of our time. Even if they have some of their moments. But in Hollywood, we have seen some of the best fictional TV and movie presidents. We've seen some who are dramatic and we've seen some who are just plain hilarious.
"Back in the 90s, there was a little movie about a president that kicks butt… and boy, was it awesome! And of course, I'm talking about Air Force One." Sean said.
(The title screen for the movie "Air Force One" is shown, followed by clips from the movie while the theme music composed by Jerry Goldsmith plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) I remember watching this movie when I was a kid. I was like 7-years-old at the time and my Mom rented it from Blockbuster. Now I know what you're thinking, what's a 7-year-old doing watching an R-rated movie? Hey, I watched it with my Mom. And come on, you're talking to a guy who watched RoboCop at a young age, so don't judge me. Air Force One was released in theaters on July 25th, 1997. Man, what a great year for movies….
(Posters of movies released in 1997 like Steel, Batman & Robin, Spawn, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, The Postman, Double Team, Home Alone 3 and Mr. Magoo are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, right. 1997 was a dark year for movies. But at least we got some good movies like Titanic, Contact, The Game and The Fifth Element and today's movie is one of them. The movie was directed by the late Wolfgang Petersen, who you all might recognize him as an excellent director who's directed some great films like Das Boot, Enemy Mine, Shattered, In the Line of Fire, The Perfect Storm, Poseidon and of course, the one film that we've watched in our childhood and we still do…
(A clip from Stranger Things is shown, featuring Dustin and Suzie singing The NeverEnding Story)
"Yeah, that one. Thanks a lot Duffer Brothers." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The film was also written by Andrew W. Marlowe, who's known for creating the long-running show Castle starring Nathan Fillion and Stana Katic. The film was a box-office success and it gained positive reviews from critics. Except for Roger Ebert, who gave this film 2.5 stars out of 4. But you wanna know who enjoyed the film? Former president Bill Clinton. He saw the movie twice and gave it a good review.
"Now there's a man who knows what he's talking about. He has my full support." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) I know that this is going to be hard to make fun of a movie that I happen to enjoy and this movie is one of my favorite Wolfgang Petersen movies like In the Line of Fire, The NeverEnding Story and Shattered. Originally, I was going to review In the Line of Fire, but I'll save that for the movie's 30th anniversary, which is in July. But, I'm sure that I'll find something to make fun of in this review.
"Does this film still hold up after 26 years? Well, let's find out. This is Air Force One." Sean said.
(The opening credits are shown and during the credits, the main theme composed by Jerry Goldsmith starts playing)
Sean: (Narrating) We get out opening credits and I just love the theme music. Every time I watch this movie and when I hear this theme music, that's the sound of freedom. This is theme that makes you proud to be an American. And yes, we know that my favorite composer Jerry Goldsmith composed the score for this movie.
"Yeah, when Jerry Goldsmith composes the music to your movie, you know that it's going to be awesome, even if it's a bad movie, it's still gonna be good because Jerry Goldsmith is a god." Sean said.
(A picture of composer John Williams is shown)
Sean: (V/O as John Williams) Bullshit! I'm the master!
Sean: (Narrating) We open with a group of American and Russian Special Forces parachuting onto the roof of the Presidential Palace in Kazakhstan, which is Severance Hall in Cleveland, Ohio from what I've read about the movie's production. They take out the Russian guards and they storm the interior of the palace like it's Call of Duty: Modern Warfare II.
(One of the Special Forces soldiers cut the power to the palace)
Sean: (V/O as Russian Guard) Yuri! Yuri! Who the cut the power off?
(The Russian guard gets shot)
Sean: (V/O as Russian Guard) Oh, borscht!
(Another Russian guard gets shot)
Brian: (V/O as Russian Guard #2) Aaaaah! Smirnoff!
Sean: (Narrating) The Special Forces team capture military dictator General Ivan Radek, played by Jurgen Prochnow, and the mission becomes a success. We then transition to three weeks later in Moscow as we see a diplomatic dinner is being held and one of the attendees is the U.S. President James Marshall, played by Harrison Ford, and he delivers a speech so awesome that you wish that he was the president now.
President James Marshall (Played by Harrison Ford): The truth is we acted too late. Only when our own national security was threatened did we act. Radek's regime murdered over 200,000 men, women and children and we watched it on TV. We let it happen. People were being slaughtered for over a year. We issued economic sanctions and hid behind the rhetoric of diplomacy. How dare we?
(A clip from Clear and Present Danger is shown)
Jack Ryan (Played by Harrison Ford): How dare you, sir?!
President James Marshall: Tonight I come to you with a pledge to change America's policy. Never again will I allow our political self-interest to deter us from doing what we know to be morally right. Atrocity and terror are not political weapons. And to those who would use them… your day is over. We will never negotiate. We will no longer tolerate and we will no longer be afraid. It's your turn to be afraid.
(The crowd applauds and cheer for President Marshall. We then cut to a clip from the Denny's Red, White and Blue Pancakes commercial)
Old Man: America.
"America indeed, old man. America, fuck yeah!" Sean exclaimed,
Lloyd Shepherd (Played by Paul Guilfoyle): The Russian was a nice touch.
President James Marshall: Tell my mother. She wanted me to study French.
Jack Doherty (Played by Tom Everett): Do you know what you committed us to?
President James Marshall: Yeah. I know exactly what I committed us to.
"Besides, that speech I made was awesome. My approval ratings are gonna go through the roof." Sean said, imitating President Marshall.
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to the President's plane Air Force One where we see a Russian reporter named Egor Korshunov, played by Gary Oldman, and yet, the character was named "Ivan Korshunov" in the end credits. Big mix-up there. As Korshunov and his crew get ready to board the plane, they are greeted by deputy press secretary Melanie Mitchell, played by Donna Bullock.
Egor Korshunov (Played by Gary Oldman): Oh, Ms. Mitchell. It is so nice to finally meet you in person.
Melanie Mitchell (Played by Donna Bullock): The President and I were delighted we could accommodate your news crew. So, if you boys are all cleared? Now, you know, the President's on a very tight schedule so this is how it works. During the flight, two members of your crew will be allowed outside the press area for filming. You'll get exactly 10 minutes with the President, 20 with the crew.
"Yes, but what about the in-flight meals? My men and I have First Class seats and we want the First Class treatment. I heard the food in First Class is pretty good." Sean said, imitating Korshunov.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with President Mitchell, his Chief of Staff Lloyd Shepherd, played by Paul Guilfoyle, tells him that his speech is making the news. But his National Security Advisor Jack Doherty, played by Tom Everett, doesn't care for it.
Jack Doherty: With all due respect, sir, next time you want to make a major policy departure, you might want to discuss it with your National Security Advisor first.
President James Marshall: We did discuss it, Jack.
Jack Doherty: We discussed it in private, which is where I thought it would remain.
President James Marshall: Well, now it's public. Now it's policy. Get behind it.
Jack Doherty: The allies are going to be very upset they weren't consulted about this.
Lloyd Shepherd: It might come back and bite us in the ass in November.
"Oh, please. He'll be running for another term against Josiah Bartlett from The West Wing and Andrew Shepherd from The American President." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back on the plane, Melanie gives Korshunov and two of his crewmen, Andrei Kolchak played by Elya Baskin and Boris Bazylev played by Andrew Divoff, a quick tour of the plane by showing them the where the Secret Service agents are sitting at and also telling them that the plane is bullet-resistant and it is even protected against the pulse of a nuclear blast. Oh, nice job. Way to tell them that important information. But the tour comes to an end when Secret Service Special Agent Gibbs, played by Xander Berkeley, that President Mitchell is arriving.
"I got my eye on you, buddy. You're up to no good." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The President arrives on the plane and the one thing that he wants to do is to watch the football game. But don't worry, though. He's not the only one on this plane because his wife Grace, played by Wendy Crewson, and his daughter Alice played by Liesel Matthews, arrive on the plane as well, just to surprise him while he's asleep during the football game.
President James Marshall: How was the ballet?
Alice Marshall (Played by Liesel Matthews): It was great!
(Alice jumps on her father's lap and giggles. He starts tickling her)
President James Marshall: You trying to kill me? Was it really good? Did you enjoy it? Did you love it? Men in tights? (To Grace) Did you hear my speech?
Grace Marshall (Played by Wendy Crewson): Yeah.
President James Marshall: Yeah?
Grace Marshall: You're gonna get yourself reelected.
President James Marshall: That's what I keep telling them.
"Hey, the world would be a better place if we had Harrison Ford as the president." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) I just love the family dynamic between President Marshall and his family. (Cut to a clip from Patriot Games featuring Jack Ryan and his family) Sure, we've seen Harrison Ford playing a man who would do whatever it takes to protect his family like in Patriot Games. Hell, we've seen Jack Ryan playing Monopoly with his wife Cathy and his daughter Sally. In this one, we see President Marshall watching football with his daughter while she asks him why didn't he take her with him to the refugee camp. He didn't want her to see that kind of stuff. I love this scene because it shows the relationship between him and his family.
Alice Marshall: Come on, Dad. It's not like I don't see it on the news.
President James Marshall: It's different on the news.
Alice Marshall: All I'm saying is I'm ready for things you don't think I'm ready for.
President James Marshall: Maybe I'm not ready.
Alice Marshall: I'm 12 years old, Dad! In the caveman days, I'd be having children of my own.
President James Marshall: (Chuckles) That's what we call progress. You're missing the best part of the game.
Alice Marshall: (Rolls her eyes) God!
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, I don't know which one is better. The family dynamic in Patriot Games or the family dynamic in Air Force One? Maybe I like both. But hey, you have a loving wife who supports him all the way.
Grace Marshall: You didn't give a damn. You knew what needed to be done and you did it. And you spoke from your heart. That's what I heard tonight.
President James Marshall: Well, it felt good.
Grace Marshall: Yeah, I'll bet it did.
(President Marshal and Grace kiss as Doherty enters the cabin)
Jack Doherty: Sir?
(President Marshall waves him off)
"Not now, I'm about to give my wife the presidential Vitamin D. You're trying to kill my boner here, Doherty." Sean said, imitating President Marshall.
Sean: (Narrating) And now, Air Force One takes flight and things seem to be pretty normal. But there's something fishy about the Russian reporter team because it looks like they're up to no good. And speaking of people who are up to no good.
(Gibbs enters the cabin that contains three Secret Service agents)
Agent Gibbs (Played by Xander Berkeley): Hey, guys, these are the advance team reports from the Miami field agent. Take a look at them.
Agent: Thank you.
(Gibbs pulls out a suppressed Beretta 92FS pistol and starts executing the Secret Service Agents guarding the armory)
"Turns out that Agent Gibbs is not who he seems. He is revealed to be the traitor. And they just reveal it right away. Come on, at least give us some time to reveal the mole." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Gibbs grabs a smoke grenade from out of the armory and tosses it, giving the signal. And it also turns out that Korshunov and his men are Radek loyalists and they take over the plane.
"So Die Hard on Air Force One? Not a bad concept, actually." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) All hell breaks loose as the Radek loyalists take out the Secret Service agents while some of them try to escort President Mitchell, but his family is left behind during the chaos/ But there is one thing that is more important than his wife and daughter's lives.
(The White House Military Aide is shot while holding a briefcase known as "The Football")
President James Mitchell: The football! The football!
"He cares about the football. Dude, screw the football! You'll find out about the score later, lives are at stake here." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Marshall is sent to his escape pod in the cargo hold. But the Radek loyalists are too late to stop the escape pod as it leaves the plane. Back in Washington, Vice President Kathryn Bennett, played by Glenn Close, finds out about the attack.
Vice President Kathryn Bennett (Played by Glenn Close): Is everyone here?
Thomas Lee (Played by Spencer Garrett): We're workin' on it.
Vice President Kathryn Bennett: How the hell did this happen? How the hell did they get Air Force One?
"That's a good question. Why don't you ask the dude from Mommie Dearest. He's the one who let Gary Oldman and the Funky Bunch on the plane." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And speaking of Gibbs as the mole, there was originally more in the script, regarding Gibbs as the mole, with him being a former CIA agent who was unhappy once the Cold War ended. They should've kept that in the script. But I guess that they didn't want to reveal more about the guy. So anyway, Air Force One tries to make an emergency landing at Ramstein Air Force Base in Germany with an F-15 squadron as their escort, but Korshunov isn't going to let them land as we see Gary Oldman doing his signature yelling.
"And yes, Gary Oldman is the best part about this movie. As much as I enjoy him in films like The Professional, The Fifth Element, the Harry Potter series, the Dark Knight Trilogy, Darkest Hour, State of Grace, JFK and True Romance. But this is one of my favorites." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Hell, in films like The Professional and The Fifth Element, he brings in like 80 or 90% of his performance. But in this one, he brings it up to 95% of his performance.
(A montage of clips featuring Egor Korshunov is shown)
Egor Korshunov: I know what you're thinking, First Lady. You want me dead. Well, it might come to that./Your national security advisor has just been executed./This is very curious, stop with your fuckin' LIES!/Forgive me. I lied./Open the door! Open the door!
Sean: (Narrating) There's one moment on this scene where his character is yelling to the pilots in the cockpit and I don't understand what he's saying.
Egor Korshunov: (To the pilot) GET US BACK IN THE AIR!
"What did you just say?" Sean asked.
Egor Korshunov: GET US BACK IN THE AIR!
"Dude, I know that yelling in movies is your signature trademark, but tone it down with the yelling. I can't understand a word you're saying." Sean said. "Also, when I turned the subtitles on for the movie, the subtitles read "Get the fuck in the air!" but he's actually saying "Get us back in the air!".
Sean: (Narrating) And it's funny that I mention this because Harrison Ford went before the MPAA and appealed to have the movie re-rated to be PG-13, but the MPAA refused. Hell, Clear and Present Danger was originally supposed to be rated R, but is won a PG-13 rating successfully. Hell, Air Force One would've been perfect as a film rated PG-13 because there's only one f-bomb dropped in the movie.
"God, I sound like Chili Palmer from Be Cool and I know the F-word rule. You can say the F-word once in a PG-13 movie. Well, you know what I say, "Fuck that! I'm done."." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Korshunov kills the pilots and has Kolchak pilot the plane as they narrowly prevent the plane from making an emergency landing. This doesn't bode well for Bennett as she asks how long can they stay up in the with how much fuel that they have and where the hell they're going. Everything goes according to plan for Korshunov, except for one tiny little detail… they don't have the president because he escaped. Well, I guess it's time for another Gary Oldman screaming moment.
(Korshunov screams in anger)
Sean cracks up a bit from Gary Oldman screaming.
"Oh, God. Your movie's not complete until Gary Oldman starts screaming. No wonder that he got the nickname "Scary Gary" while filming." Sean said,
Sean: (Narrating) Back in Washington, General Northwood played by Bill Smitrovich, tells Vice President Bennett that Moscow police have found six members of a Russian TV news crew murdered and they happen to be the same crew that was cleared to fly on Air Force One. As for weapons on board, Defense Secretary Walter Dean played by the late Dean Stockwell, tells her that there's no way to get weapons aboard because it's impossible.
Vice President Kathryn Bennett: Well, there are enough weapons already on board to take Panama, but who has access to them?
Walter Dean (Played by Dean Stockwell): You think someone on the plane helped them?
Vice President Kathryn Bennett: What if somebody did, and they're still on the plane? Who do they trust up there? Who do we trust?
"Apparently, no one!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Back on the plane, Korshunov demands to question President Marshall's wife and daughter, so Grace steps in to speak with the evil terrorist.
Grace Marshall: Where is my husband?
Egor Korshunov: He has fled. He's a coward. He chose to save himself.
(Grace gasps)
Egor Korshunov: But one can always strike a bargain.
Grace Marshall: No, you listen to me. I don't know who you are or what you want, but you'll never get it. He will not negotiate.
"Hey, her ex-husband is Santa Claus. He will never negotiate to terrorists as well." Sean said, referencing Wendy Crewson's character in The Santa Clause.
Egor Korshunov: His wife. His daughter. A man could not live with himself. And it would be such bad politics.
(Korshunov pulls out a SIG-Sauer P226 pistol and threatens Grace with it)
Egor Korshunov: I think he'll negotiate.
(We cut to fourth season episode of The Simpsons titled "Last Exit to Springfield" where we see Homer and Bart watching "McBain" on TV and they see Mendoza laughing evily)
Bart Simpson (Voiced by Nancy Cartwright): That is one evil dude)
Homer Simpson (Voiced by Dan Castellaneta): It's just a movie, son. There's nobody that evil in real life.
"Hey, if you want someone who's evil in real life, there's Nick Adams." Sean said as a picture of Fox News commentator Nick Adams is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) The military come across the president's escape pod, but it turns out that he's not in there. So where is he? He's still on the plane. But when he hears one of the Radek loyalists heading downstairs, President Marshall stealthily sneaks from the guy. But we'll come back to him because Korshunov calls Vice President Bennett for his demands.
Vice President Kathryn Bennett: I would like to speak to the First Lady.
Egor Korshunov: (On speaker) No. No, why?
Vice President Kathryn Bennett: I need to know that they're safe.
Egor Korshunov: The president is safe. But then you must know that. He ran from here like a whipped dog. I'm sure you can't wait for him to get back to making the decisions, so you can stop sweating through that silk blouse of yours.
Vice President Kathryn Bennett: What is the condition of the people on board?
Egor Korshunov: Some are dead.
"One was shot while carrying around a "football", yet it is not a football and he was carrying it around." Sean said, imitating Korshunov.
Sean: (Narrating) Again, I can't stop singing Gary Oldman's praises. I know that I sound like a broken record, but he is awesome as Korshunov and you could see that he's having way so much fun at playing the villain. Anyway, Korshunov demands to have Radek released. If not, he will execute a hostage every half an hour.
General Northwood (Played by Bill Smitrovich): Damn it, nobody does this to the United States. The president will get back his baseball glove and play catch with this guy's balls.
"Mwah! Goodnight, everybody!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) The people in the White House learn that the president is not in his escape pod and they fear the worst but Major General Greely, played by J.A. Preston respectively, assures them that President Marshall could still be alive on the plane and we learn a little something about President Marshall.
Major General Samuel Greely (Played by J.A. Preston): Let's not forget, this president is a Medal of Honor winner. In Vietnam, he flew more helicopter rescue missions than any other man in my command. He knows how to fight.
Vice President Kathryn Bennett: Then he's taking a terrible chance with his life.
Major General Samuel Greely: The element of surprise is a formidable advantage in combat. If he's up there, he's the best chance that we have.
Sean: (Narrating) And those skills will certainly pay off because these Radek loyalists are messing with the wrong president and his plane. But President Marshall has a plan, which consists of him playing the football game and sneaking past the loyalist. One of the Russian terrorist search the plane until President Marshall gets the drop on him.
(Marshall fights Krasin. During the fight, Krasin drops his MP5 submachine gun)
Sean: (V/O as Marshall) Here's your stool sample!
(Marshall hits Krasin with a stool, knocking him out)
Sean: (Narrating) But luckily, President Marshall grabs the keys from the knocked out Vladimir Krasin, played by Ilia Volok, before he tries to unlock the door to the hostages. But Krasin shoots at Marshall and Marshall manages gun down the terrorist and alert the others.
"Yeah, you should've used a suppressor for that MP5." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating): Luckily, he escapes from terrorists by making them look like a bunch of idiots by shooting at the bathrooms. Back in Washington, Vice President Bennett calls Russian President Stolicha Petrov, played by Alan Woolf, to release General Radek but he couldn't because it's a bad idea and he's trying to save a nation.
Vice President Kathryn Bennett: No nation can easily survive the loss of, nor soon replace a great leader.
Russian President Stolicha Petrov (Played by Alan Woolf): Now, let us be pragmatic. Fifty lives means nothing in the grand scheme.
Vice President Kathryn Bennett: Well, then let me be equally pragmatic. Our president took a great risk to come to your aid against strong opposition in both parties and among our allies. It would be politically impossible to do so again.
Russian President Stolicha Petrov: If it meant saving his life, I would gladly do it. But I would have to know for sure and you cannot tell me he's alive. Can you?
"Some help you are, buddy. You know, the Cold War might be over, but we'll think of something to heat things back up." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back on the plane, Korshunov isn't taking things pretty well with losing one of his men. Well, it's time to execute a hostage. So, who's going to be the unlucky hostage that gets killed first?
Jack Doherty: Sir, if you will permit me, I am the National Security Advisor at the White House. I'm the man the president would be listening to. I believe that you are negotiating right now with the vice president? Unfortunately, in our system of government, the vice president is like the Queen of England. She can't even get airline tickets without talking to somebody like me. Therefore, let me speak to the White House because I promise you, I'm the one person who can make this all work out.
(The phone rings and Korshunov answers the call)
Egor Korshunov: Has he been released?
Vice President Kathryn Bennett: I've contacted the Russian government. We've set things in motion, but at this point we have to be realistic. It's going to take more time.
Egor Korshunov: More time?
(Korshunov shoots Doherty in the head, killing him)
Egor Korshunov: Your National Security Advisor has just been executed. He's a very good negotiator.
"Eh, who cares about that guy. I've never liked him anyway. You've done us a very good thing because he couldn't shut the hell up." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, President Marshall is looking for a phone in the cargo hold by searching through the luggage until he finds a cellphone. All while his wife and daughter are being held captive by Viktor Reznov and his team.
Egor Korshunov: It's the first time you ever seen a man killed, huh?
Grace Marshall: Leave her alone.
Egor Korshunov: You think I'm a monster… that I would kill this man? Somebody's… son? Somebody's father? I am somebody's son too. I have three small children. Does that surprise you? (To Grace) Tell her to answer.
Grace Marshall: You leave her alone!
Egor Korshunov: Shut up!
"Oh, Christ! I'm trying to take this movie seriously. But instead, he's turning this movie into a comedy with his yelling." Sean chuckled.
Alice Marshall: You are a monster. And my father is a great man. You're nothing like my father.
"Oh, really? Well, your father shot first." Sean said, imitating Korshunov while referring to Star Wars.
Sean: (Narrating) President Marshall calls the White House to try to reach the vice president, but the switchboard operator does not believe that he's the president. Hmm, does this seem familiar to you?
(A clip from Die Hard is shown)
Supervisor (Played by Diana James): Attention, whoever you are, this channel is reserved for emergency calls only.
John McClane (Played by Bruce Willis): No fucking shit, lady! Does it sound like I'm ordering a pizza?
Sean: (Narrating) Ah, yes. I see that you guys are ripping off Die Hard. He gets the switchboard operator to trace the call and she believes him, so she puts him through to the vice president. But he gets caught by the Djinn from Wishmaster and he hides the phone in his pocket.
President James Marshall: Listen to me. Listen to me. Do you know who I am? I'm the president of the United States.
(Vice President Bennett and the others cheer)
Boris Bazylev (Played by Andrew Divoff): Don't think that means I don't shoot you. Put your hands behind your head and move.
"Just to let you know, that I'm a Latino playing a Russian Hell, I've played a Colombian terrorist in Toy Soldiers. One of my men gunned down Wil Wheaton, for Christ's sake." Sean said, imitating Boris Bazylev.
Sean: (Narrating) And since we're ripping off movies, it looks like Wolfgang Petersen is ripping off the "Aim High" scene from In the Line of Fire. Instead of snipers taking aim at Clint Eastwood and John Malkovich while they're on an elevator at the Bonaventure Hotel, you have President Marshall telling them to order the F-15 to shoot at Air Force One, which they do, and the plane drops come countermeasures to destroy the missile, giving Marshall the opportunity to take the guy out.
(President Marshall gets into a struggle with Bazylev while Vice President Bennett and the other White House staff listen to the sounds of their grunting through the speaker)
(A clip from High Anxiety is shown)
Victoria Brisbane (Played by Madeline Kahn): (On the phone) Listen, Mister. I don't go for this sort of thing. I *know* a lot of the other girls are turned on by these kinky phone calls, but I really couldn't care less.
Sean: (Narrating) President Marshall snaps the guy's neck and then he talks to his staff on the phone about the situation.
President James Marshall: We cannot release Radek.
Vice President Kathryn Bennett: (Sighs) They're gonna shoot a hostage every half-hour until we do. I don't want a plane full of dead people. Jim, they shot Jack Doherty.
President James Marshall: Oh, Christ. Kathryn, we can't give in to their demands. It won't end there.
Vice President Kathryn Bennett: And if you die on that plane, does it end there?
President James Marshall: Kathryn, we've got a job to do. Whatever the cost.
Vice President Kathryn Bennett: Mr. President, I…
President James Marshall: Kathryn, if you give a mouse a cookie…
Vice President Kathryn Bennett: He's gonna want a glass of milk.
"When you give him the milk, he'll probably ask you for a straw. When he's finished, he'll ask for a napkin. Wait, what am I doing? I've got a review to do." Sean said as he puts the book down on the coffee table.
Sean: (Narrating) One of the other terrorists find Bazylev dead and they lock the door to the cargo hold, giving President Marshall some time on how to get the plane on the ground and that involves dumping some fuel. But Korshunov's patience is wearing thin because it's time to execute another hostage as a way to lure him out. So, he gets Melanie to be the next one so President Mitchell could show himself.
Egor Korshunov: You're a nice person, yes?
Melanie Mitchell: (Whispering) Okay. I guess so.
(Korshunov points a gun at Melanie's head, threatening to kill her in front of Grace and Alice)
Egor Korshunov: You are trembling. Why are you afraid?
Melanie Mitchell: Because… I don't wanna die. (Sobbing) I don't wanna die.
Egor Korshunov: Tell me. What am I doing at this moment?
Sean: (Narrating) You know, this is a very tense and scary scene because he wants guy to surrender. And this is a difficult choice for President Mitchell, either surrender and let her live or not surrender and let her die. But instead, Korshunov kills her. And that angers President Marshall. This shows that Korshunov is a madman and does not play around, he means business.
Egor Korshunov: I know what you're thinking, First Lady. You want me dead. Well, it may come to that. In a war, people die.
Grace Marshall: This isn't war. You just murdered an unarmed woman!
Egor Korshunov: You, who murdered 100,000 Iraqis to save a nickel on a gallon of gas, are going to lecture me about the rules of war? DON'T!
"I know that this is a serious scene and all, but if Gary Oldman keeps yelling, he's gonna go full-on Gary Oldman." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) While President Marshall calls to learn how to dump fuel out of a plane, Shepherd is getting upset about a Secret Service agent because he didn't show himself, but Major Norman Caldwell played by William H. Macy, assures him that it's someone who's smart enough to know if you're hunting with one bullet, you wait for a clean shot.
Lloyd Shepherd: What are you saying, Major?
Major Norman Caldwell (Played by William H. Macy): I'm saying, sir, whoever that is down there, he may be our only hope.
Lloyd Shepherd: Our only hope is that Washington complies with this bastard. Because any minute now, another one of us is dead. And you know what? I'm afraid it might be me.
"Well, you might get your wish, buddy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) President Marshall calls the U.S. Air Force on how to dump the fuel, but then he forgets that this is a movie from the 90s and they haven't invented phone chargers yet. So he manages to cross the green and yellow wires together to dump the fuel to trick Korshunov. But Korshunov is on to him as he sends Kolchak and Lenski, played by Levan Uchaneishvili, down to the cargo bay to take him out.
(President Marshall opens fire on Kolchak and Sergei. Kolchak moves out of the way right when Sergei gets shot in the arm)
"Dang, dude. What? Are you too cowardly enough to take the bullet for your fellow countryman?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) They get into a quick shootout while Korshunov calls Vice President Bennett for some fuel and she send them a fueling tanker to refuel them in midair as Kolchak stops the fuel from being dumped all while President Marshall holds one of the other terrorists at gunpoint to unlock the door to the office where the hostages are being held and they are happy to see him.
President James Marshall: Where's my family?
Lloyd Shepherd: They took 'em to another part of the plane. We haven't seen them since.
Major Norman Caldwell: We've got weapons now. We should try to retake the plane.
President James Marshall: Not while they've got Grace and Alice. I can't take that chance.
"Besides, if it was your family, would you save them? You know what, scratch that. Your family is a disaster. They tend to get pissed off at me for missing another episode of Shameless." Sean said, imitating President Marshall.
Major Norman Caldwell: Sir? There may be a way to get these people off the plane.
President James Marshall: What do you mean?
Major Norman Caldwell: We have emergency parachutes in the tail cone, but we're too high. If we could somehow get a message to the refueling tanker, get him to drop to 15,000 feet, we could jump.
Sean: (Narrating) President Marshall manages to send a fax to the situation room while the hostages escape. But nobody in the situation room didn't even notice the fax because they're distracted by a new report from CNN about Air Force One crashing. Well, at least it's not Fox News. So, during the press conference, Vice President Bennett tells the reporters the shocking truth.
Vice President Kathryn Bennett: Ladies and gentlemen, I have a statement. The president's plane, Air Force One, has been hijacked. Please. Ladies and gentlemen, please let me finish.
"Uh, Madam Vice President, is it true that you tried to kidnap puppies and turn their fur into clothes?" Sean asked, imitating a reporter.
"I have another question for you, Madam Vice President, have you ever butt-chugged?" Brian asked, imitating a reporter as well.
Sean: (Narrating) The fueling tanker arrives to refuel the plane at 15,000 feet at 200 knots while the hostages get ready to parachute from out of the plane, but President Marshall is not leaving without his family, so Shepherd and Gibbs decide to stay with the president. Oh good, his safety is in capable hands from the guy who might kill him at the end. The hostages manage to parachute from out of the plane and it's raining hostages, hallelujah! But Korshunov and the other terrorists notice this and they try to stop them.
(Sergei places a small oxygen tank on the door and fires his MP5K at it. The oxygen tank explodes as some of the hostages and Nevsky out of the plane without parachutes to their deaths)
"Oh, great. Now it's raining hostages and a Russian terrorist. Hallelujah?" Sean asked as he shrugs his shoulders.
Sean: (Narrating) We then get a pretty cool scene where Air Force One breaks the connection with the tanker and the fuel ignites and then the tanker blows up. Props to visual effects supervisor Richard Edlund and his team. I have to say that the visual effects were pretty good for this movie. Anyway, President Marshall, Shepherd, Caldwell and Gibbs end up getting captured and Korshunov calls Vice President Bennett that he now holds the president hostage and that they're entering Kazakhstan airspace, where their military escort leaves.
(The "O Kazakhstan" anthem from Borat plays in the background)
Singers: Kazakhstan, greatest country in the world. All other countries are run by little girls…
"Enough! We're not playing that ridiculous anthem on my show." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) President Marshall is reunited with his family, but the reunion is cut short when he comes face to face with Korshunov.
Egor Korshunov: You've been very busy downstairs, haven't you? Killing my men.
(Korshunov punches Marshall in the face)
"Right now, he's coming up with the most badass line ever before he kills you and when he does, everybody is gonna jizz in their pants when they hear it." Sean said.
President James Marshall: You're not here for this. You want something. What is it?
Egor Korshunov: Radek.
President James Marshall: How can I do that? I can't do that.
Egor Korshunov: Then you die, the three of you.
President James Marshall: I'll do anything to save my family. Don't ask me for something I can't give!
Egor Korshunov: The most powerful man on the Earth. Now, suddenly, there are things you cannot do? This is very curious. Stop with your fuckin' lies!
"That was only one f-word that he said. This movie should've gotten a PG-13 rating." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Korshunov tells Marshall to call Petrov to release Radek, but he won't do it. So, he threatens to kill Alice, but he has no choice so he calls President Petrov to ask him to release Radek. This doesn't bode well for Vice President Bennett and she is urged by Dean to declare the president incapable under the 25th Amendment.
Vice President Kathryn Bennett: No, I-I won't do that.
Walter Dean: The United States does not negotiate with terrorists. It's been our bedrock principle for 25 years. You can't give in to them now. It'll be open season on the United States. Many more will dies.
"Which means it'll be duck season/rabbit season for everybody." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Vice President Bennett doesn't sign the sheet and back in Russia, General Radek is in the process of being released, and it's good news for Korshunov and they'll be flying back to their homeland where Radek will deal with Marshall. But luckily, President Marshall has a piece of glass to cut through his bonds because he is not going to let these evil terrorists win.
(Marshall frees himself from his bonds and grabs Korshunov and fights Sergei. During the struggle, Marshall shoots Kolchak in the head)
Sean: (V/O as Kolchak) Rent? (Screams as Kolchak gets shot)
Sean: (Narrating) Korshunov grabs Grace and tries to shoot President Marshall, but Shepherd jumps in and takes the bullet for the president. Marshall then shoots Korshunov, but the evil terrorist falls down the stairs and takes Grace with him. He takes out Sergei and he goes after Korshunov as he drags her to cargo hold.
Egor Korshunov: (Points his gun at Grace) Drop the gun! Drop the gun!
"Do not make me go full-on Viktor Reznov here!" Sean exclaimed, imitating Korshunov.
Sean: (Narrating) Marshall dukes it out with Reznov while Grace picks up the gun and points it. And yet, she doesn't even fire the gun.
Sean: (V/O as Grace) Should I shoot now? (V/O as Marshall) No, honey. NO! (as Grace) Now?! (as Marshall) No, honey! No! (as Grace) Now?! (as Marshall) NO!
Sean: (Narrating) Seeing him fighting Korshunov is so gratifying and also pulse-pounding too, because we wanted to see our hero take on the scary bad guy in a fist fight and kill him in the most badass way possible.
(During the struggle, Marshall wraps a cargo strap around Korshunov's neck to choke him with it. Korshunov flips over and he's on top of Marshall and he tries to kill him, but Marshall gets the upper hand by pulling on the parachute cord as Korshunov starts gagging)
"Let us say grace. We thank you lord for the best action one-liner we're about to receive. Amen." Sean said.
President James Marshall: Get off my plane!
Sean then lets out a satisfying loud groan from hearing that one-liner uttered by Harrison Ford.
"I just came hard in my jeans from the coolest line ever." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) He gives Korshunov the "Death by Parachute" treatment and he races to the phone to call Russian President Petrov to not release Radek. He gets the call as the guards stop him from leaving prison and he gets killed in the process. Also, doesn't this shot right here make you a little dizzy?
White House Comm. Officer (Played by Willard Pugh): Yes! It's the president! We have retaken the plane!
(Everyone in the situation room starts cheering victoriously as the camera spins around until the spinning goes a bit faster)
"I'm sorry, but did Tazmanian Devil take over the cinematography for Michael Ballhaus?" Sean asked.
(We hear the cartoony spinning sound effects and Sean imitating Tazmanian Devil while the camera spins around)
Sean: (Narrating) With no pilot to fly the plane, both Marshall and Caldwell head to the cockpit to fly the plane. And I just love the look that Gibbs is making. Maybe it's his sinister look or maybe it's his worried look.
"I'm thinking it's his worried look. He's making that look because Marshall is gonna fly the plane. He's thinking right now going..." Sean said.
(Cut to Agent Gibbs)
Sean: (V/O as Gibbs) Aw, shit. He's about to fly this damn plane. He's gonna kill all of us.
"Yeah, you're in capable hands of this guy flying a plane." Sean said as he pointed to his right as a picture of Harrison Ford as President James Marshall was shown. "How long has he flown a plane?"
President James Marshall: Twenty-five years. Little planes. Never jets.
"Oh, God. You know, it's not a Harrison Ford movie unless you have him flying the Millennium Falcon or a plane. Just hope to god that he doesn't crash it like Launchpad McQuack." Sean said. "God, that joke was so dated!"
Sean: (Narrating) He calls up Walter Gaines from Cheers (A picture of actor Richard Doyle is shown) on how to fly the plane and direct it back to friendly airspace, but they are tailed by another group of Radek loyalists in MiG-29s. Jesus, how many loyalists does this guy have? So, Vice President Bennett sends in some F-15s to protect him.
President James Marshall: Shit.
Major Norman Caldwell: Did she say MiGs?
President James Marshall: Yeah, she said MiGs.
"Why couldn't it be Tie Fighters instead of MiGs?" Sean asked, imitating President Marshall.
Sean: (Narrating) We get an awesome scene between the F-15s and the Russian MiGs and we see President Marshall showing off his flying skills. Yeah, it's a pretty intense scene because you have the Russians shooting at Air Force One. I also love this one moment where one of the F-15s sacrifices his life to save the president. Pretty awesome. After that awesome scene, Air Force One is badly hit and there's no way to land the plane since the engines are failing and they're running out of fuel. But luckily, a standby USAF Special Operations Command MC-130E with the callsign Liberty 2-4 is called to help them out. They send out some parajumpers to the plane to rescue his family and Shepherd first. But before the president leaves the plane, Gibbs reveals himself as the mole to Marshall and Caldwell after he shoots the parajumper.
Major Norman Caldwell: (To Gibbs) It was you?
(Gibbs shoots Caldwell and kills him)
"Well, at least I know that happened on last night's Shameless." Sean said.
President James Marshall: I trusted you with my life.
Agent Gibbs: So will the next president. Now, give it to me!
"Don't make me kill you before you even star in Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny!" Sean exclaimed, imitating Gibbs.
Agent Gibbs: (Points the gun at Marshall's head) I'm getting off this plane!
Sean: (Narrating) Marshall and Gibbs fight over who gets to leave the plane, but Marshall manages to grab and detach the transfer line at the last moment so the airmen could reel him in, leaving Gibbs to die in the worst special effects shot. (We see Air Force One crash into the Caspian Sea in a bad CGI effects shot) Man, how could they've let this pass? President Marshall makes it onto the plane with his family and everybody cheers in victory.
(Vice President Bennett rips up the sheet of signatures before cutting to the A.F.O. Back-Up Pilot who gives two thumbs up)
"Hell, that's everybody's reaction after they saw the film." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) And that was Air Force One, it's still a pretty awesome movie. Sure, it's flawed and cliche-ridden, but not in a major way. It has some pretty epic action scenes and some intense moments and you know what, this is Harrison Ford's best movie. This is a character that you wish was the President of the United States in real life. This is one of the greatest action movies I have seen in my life and years later, it's still awesome. If you haven't seen it, then go watch it now. Watch it on Netflix before it leaves on February 28th. I'm sure that you'll have a fun time watching it as much as I did. You have some great direction, fantastic writing, superb acting and pulse-pounding scenes to go with, it's still number one in my book. Air Force One comes in at 5 presidential salutes out of 5.
"I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said as he got up from off of his couch and leaves the room.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Kathryn, if you give a mouse a cookie…/He's gonna want a glass of milk.
And that's all for this review of Air Force One for The Mayhem Critic. Boy, I've had a fun time working on this one. I was working on that while I was busy working on Eggos and Promises for the Stranger Things category. Well, I know that I would be working on this one, but I'm gonna take a little break from working on The Mayhem Critic since I will be focusing on my Eggos and Promises story, but don't worry, I will be back with another chapter. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean takes a look at Kids WB and sees what the best they have to offer. Then after the Kids WB chapter, it's either a review of Batman Forever or Cheaper by the Dozen 1 & 2. Feel free to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Also, if you're interested in working on the Kids WB chapter with me, then feel free to PM me. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.