The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and I am here to bring you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic and today, Sean the Mayhem Critic is going to review another Jean-Claude Van Damme movie, And this time, he's dealing with two Jean-Claude Van Dammes in the 1991 action film Double Impact. Will this film be as twice as fun as he remembered or will it be double the trouble for him? So take your fancy clothes and your black silk underwear and go back to Disneyland, this is the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights and references belong to their respective sources. Double Impact is owned by Columbia Pictures, Stone Group Pictures and Vision International.
Episode 176
Double Impact
(The Mayhem Critic intro starts before cutting to our favorite residential movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting on his couch as he prepares his introduction)
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said. "Today, we're going to be talking about a movie starring Jean-Claude..."
(A picture of Jean-Claude Van Damme is shown)
"Van Damme it!" Sean exclaimed.
(A montage of clips featuring Jean-Claude Van Damme is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, look. I'm not hating on Jean-Claude Van Damme. I happen to be a fan of his films. Back then, he was awesome. But now, he's not because you got him doing Direct-to-DVD films like Steven Seagal. But give Van Damme some credit here, he's not a hack like Seagal. In fact, I happen to enjoy some of Van Damme's films. (Posters for various films starring Jean-Claude Van Damme are shown) Films like No Retreat, No Surrender, Bloodsport, Kickboxer, Cyborg, Lionheart, Death Warrant, Universal Soldier, Nowhere to Run, Hard Target, Sudden Death, Double Team, The Expendables 2, and of course, Street Fighter, which I reviewed last year.
"Now, I know that you're expecting me to review a Straight-To-DVD film from Van Damme. No. I've got something much better and I've been dying to review this one. And this one contains two Jean-Claude Van Dammes in it." Sean said with a smile on his face.
(The title screen for the movie "Double Impact" is shown, followed by clips from the movie while the song "Feel the Impact" by Gen plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, it's been a long time coming and it seems like the right time to review this one. Double Impact was released in theaters on August 9th, 1991 and it stars "The Muscles from Brussels" himself in a dual role as good and evil twins. Okay, sounds cheesy and goofy, but it sounds awesome. (A picture of the movie's director, Sheldon Lettich, is shown followed by posters of films that he's worked on) The film was directed by Sheldon Lettich, who's work I'm pretty familiar with. He wrote the 1987 Cold War comedy-drama Russkies, he co-wrote the movies Bloodsport and Rambo III in 1988 and in 1990 he made his directorial debut with the film Lionheart and he also wrote the screenplay for this one. Also, this is Van Damme's third collaboration with Lettich, so you know that this is going to be awesome. The film was a modest success at opening No. 2 at the US box office, but the critics hated the movie by giving it negative reviews and one of those critic happen to be Roger Ebert of all people.
"Well, at least Kevin Thomas of the Los Angeles Times liked it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But hey, Rotten Tomatoes gave the film an approval rating of 33% and CinemaScore gave the film an average grade of "B+". This is one of my favorite Van Damme movies and you know I love my 90s action movie cheese. And this is going to be a good one.
"So get ready to feel the impact, this is Double Impact." Sean said.
(The movie begins with the Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer logo)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. I forgot. MGM got the distributing rights to this film and you see that logo in current prints of the movie. Which is why you don't see the Columbia Pictures logo at the beginning of the movie.
"Then, could you explain to me why you see the Columbia Pictures logo at the end credits of the film?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Our story begins in Hong Kong in the year of 1966, we see that Paul Wagner, played by stunt coordinator Vic Armstrong's brother Andy Armstrong, is attending the celebration of the opening of the Victoria Harbour Tunnel with his business partner Nigel Griffith, played by Alan Scarfe.
Nigel Griffith (Played by Alan Scarfe): Well, Paul. Six years, three banks and $200 million later. (Shakes Paul's hand)
Paul Wagner (Played by Andy Armstrong): Congratulations, Nigel.
Nigel Griffith: You too.
"Oh, I wonder if he's the bad guy." Sean said in a sarcastic tone.
Frank Avery (Played by Geoffrey Lewis): Mr. Wagner, it's time to rock and roll.
Paul Wagner: (To his wife) Time to rock and roll.
Sean: (V/O as Paul's wife) Seriously, darling. Who says "Time to rock and roll"? You're going up on stage to deliver a speech, not play the guitar.
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, and we see our main characters Chad and Alex as babies with their mother as they watch their daddy during the celebration. After the festivities, the family is followed home by their bodyguard Frank Avery, played by Geoffrey Lewis.
Frank Avery: Sure you don't want me to follow you home?
Paul Wagner: Oh, I think I can get home without you, Frank.
Frank Avery: I'll believe that when I see it.
Paul Wagner: (Over the radio) We'll be fine. You take the night off.
"Really? You're just gonna send the bodyguard home while you guys drive home by yourselves? The Angel of Death is calling right about now and he has seats reserved for you in the Afterlife." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) While Frank takes the night off, some hired goons start tailing Paul's car and when Paul calls Frank that it's not his car following them, Frank realizes that their in trouble and he high-tails it back over to them. Yeah, how stupid of you to send the bodyguard home. Now he's coming to save your asses. But then, Paul and his family arrive home, only to be greeted by a Triad hit squad, led by Moon, played by Bolo Yeung. Holy crap! Bolo Yeung?! He was the bad guy on Bloodsport! And he's the bad guy in this one?
"I'm guessin' he couldn't get enough of Van Damme." Sean said.
(Moon shoots at the car as Paul and his wife duck for cover)
Paul Wagner: Get down! Get the boys down!
(Moon continues to shoot up the car while Paul grabs for his pistol in a secret hidden compartment and starts shooting at Moon)
Katherine Wagner (Played by Sarah-Jane Varley): My babies! Please, no!
Sean: (Narrating) Paul gets into a shootout with the gangsters but he gets gunned down in front of his wife. Then, his wife gets shot by one of the gangsters and Moon gets ready to finish her off with a shotgun blast to the face.
Katherine Wagner: (Sobbing) My babies. What'll happen to them?
Moon (Played by Bolo Yeung): You'll never know.
(Moon shoots and kills Katherine)
"Damn! They made Bolo Yeung coldblooded and menacing in this one. I'm scared of him now." Sean said.
(We see that Nigel and the Triad boss Raymond Zhang are watching from the distance)
"Oh, what a surprise. The business partner is the bad guy." Sean said, nonchalantly.
Sean: (Narrating) Frank arrives and takes out some of the gangsters, but he's arrived a little too late to find the people that he was protecting dead. He manages to get the maid out, who takes Alex with her and leaves Chad by himself. Moon gets ready to shoot Frank, but Frank shoots Moon in the face and he takes Chad with him.
(We see a wounded Moon, getting up after getting shot in the face, shoots Frank in the back of the shoulder after he grabs Chad and speaks in a foreign language)
"That dude is gonna come back with one badass scar on his face." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Frank leaves and sees Nigel with the Triad leader as he sends his men to go after him. So with their parents dead, the maid leaves Alex at an orphanage and Frank raises Chad in France. We then cut to 25 years later and we see a grown-up Chad, played by Jean-Claude Van Damme, running a martial arts dojo in Los Angeles with Frank and he teaches a fitness class to young, attractive, horny women.
Chad Wagner (Played by Jean-Claude Van Damme): You know, stretching is so important. For example, because of my big legs and karate, I can do the splits, no problem.
(Chad does the splits in front of his female students. The women gasp in awe)
Chad Wagner: Back and forth. Back and forth.
"Big whoop. You can do the splits and you impress women with your flexibility. Hell, when I try to do the splits, I end up pulling a groin muscle or splitting my pants." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) While Frank is busy conducting some personal business in his office, he has Chad take over the karate class that he's teaching downstairs and he gives a cocky new student a little lesson on kicks when he gives one of the students some problems.
Karate Student (Played by David Lea): What are you, the ballet teacher or what? (Laughs)
(Chad sees the outfit that he's wearing and chuckles)
Chad Wagner: Yeah, I'm dancing, yeah. Also some karate.
Karate Student: Karate, huh?
Chad Wagner: Show me one of your special kicks.
Karate Student: You wanna see one of my kicks?
Chad Wagner: Yeah. C'mon.
Karate Student: Yeah?
(The karate student tries to kick Chad, but Chad manages to block the kick and kicks the student in the face)
"See, this is what happens when you get too cocky in karate class. You get kicked in the face by a guy who's the ultimate GOAT in kicks." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Frank calls Chad up to his office to break the news to him that they'll be leaving for Hong Kong for another business to deal with and Frank reveals the truth to Chad.
Chad Wagner: Uncle Frankie...
Frank Avery: Another thing, I'm not your uncle.
Chad Wagner: You're not my uncle? Suddenly, after 25 years, you're telling me you're not my uncle.
Frank Avery: Uh-uh. And you weren't born in France either.
Sean: (V/O as Frank) You're actually from Belgium.
Chad Wagner: Any more surprises? Like maybe I own a grocery store in Zimbabwe?
"Okay, I would definitely pay good money to watch a movie where Jean-Claude Van Damme owns a grocery store in Zimbabwe and seeing him drop-kicking thieves who steal from his store. Better make that shit happen, Hollywood." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Chad and Frank fly down to Hong Kong and as they arrive, we get a funky '90s track and I just love the late Arthur Kemple's music score. It reminds me of John Scott's orchestral score in Lionheart. But when they arrive in Hong Kong, we get a hip, fresh beat. Also, the music score also sounds like music that Alan Silvestri composed.
"So, why couldn't you guys get Alan Silvestri to compose the music for this movie? It would've made the movie 10 times more awesome. But then again, I'm fine with Arthur Kemple's music score. I think the music score is pretty good." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Chad and Frank head into a mah-jong parlor, where bartenders give him hot tea and strangers giving him money and also...
(A beautiful blonde woman in a red dress and red heels approaches Chad)
"Okay, a woman this extremely hot deserves these four clips." Sean said with a smile on his face.
(We see the beautiful blonde woman again, this time a clip from Batman is shown)
Alexander Knox (Played by Rober Whul): Hello legs.
(Then, a clip from Animaniacs is shown)
Yakko and Wakko (Voiced by Rob Paulsen and Jess Harnell): (Both) Hellooooooooo, nurse!
(Then, a clip from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air is shown)
Will Smith and Philip Banks (Played by Will Smith and James Avery): (Both) Damn!
(A clip from Beavis and Butt-Head is shown)
Beavis (Voiced by Mike Judge): She's giving me a stiffy.
Judge: Giving you a what?
Beavis: You know, boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing! (Laughs)
Butt-Head (Also voiced by Mike Judge): He has an erection.
(The beautiful blonde, named Danielle, checks out Chad and his outfit. Chad grins and turns to Frank. Frank chuckles)
Danielle Wilde (Played by Alonna Shaw): Very nice.
Chad Wagner: Thank you.
Sean: (Narrating) Chad follows the beautiful blonde named Danielle Wilde, played by Alonna Shaw, to the back of the mah-jong parlor and he gets ready to score with her.
Danielle Wilde: Did you pick these out yourself? I am impressed. Haircut, too. (Unbuckles Chad's belt) You know, this really is a lovely color on you. What else do you have in here?
(Danielle unzips Chad's shorts and sticks her hand inside)
Danielle Wilde: Silk underwear. Mm...
"Oh, man. This chick is definitely giving me a stiffy right now. And you can see why I love this movie. Hell, she's one of the reasons and you'll see why later on." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Chad gets ready to score with Danielle, but then he's in for a big surprise.
(A man puts his hand on Chad's shoulder, he turns him around. We see a man with his hair slicked back and a cigar in his mouth and he looks identical to Chad. Chad then looks shocked)
Sean: (V/O as Chad) Oh, my God! Is that Dolph Lundgren?
(The identical man knocks out Chad with a headbutt)
Sean: (Narrating) Chad wakes up as Frank tells him that the guy Alex, also played by Jean-Claude Van Damme, is his twin brother. But Alex doesn't believe him. Also, Danielle is Alex's girlfriend. And it's time for Frank to drop some exposition.
Frank Avery: You ever hear of a guy named Nigel Griffith?
Danielle Wilde: That's like asking a New Yorker if he's heard of Donald Trump.
Frank Avery: What about Raymond Zhang?
Alex Wagner (Also played by Jean-Claude Van Damme): Yeah. What about him?
Danielle Wilde: What's this got to do with Alex anyway?
Frank Avery: It's simple. The Victoria Harbour Tunnel was built by a man I used to work for after my tour in 'Nam. Halfway through construction he ran into money problems. So they pulled in Griffith as an equity partner. Griffith got his cas from a secret loan courtesy of the Zhang family. When the tunnel was completed, and my employer's construction expertise was no longer needed, they had him and his wife exxed out by a Triad hit team. Only, the Triads fucked up because they had two son, babies, who they were gonna wipe out, too, so they wouldnt come back and claim what was rightfully theirs.
"Anybody got that?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Frank shows Chad and Alex the photo of their parents and Chad wants to go find Griffith and Zhang and then we get this silly line uttered by Van Damme.
Chad Wagner: Did you hear what he just told us? These were our parents. Look at them.
Alex Wagner: I hear all kinds of bullshit every day, pal. You want some advice? Take your fancy clothes and you black silk underwear and go back to Disneyland.
"Yeah, tell me you didn't laugh after hearing that line the first time you saw this movie. Because that was the most silliest line ever." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So our heroes join forces to bring down Griffith and Zhang as Alex takes Chad and Frank out on his boat, where they come across some "friendly" people who want to conduct some "business" with Alex. Turns out that Alex is a criminal and he does some smuggling in his spare time. What does he smuggle? couple of Mercedes cars and cigarettes to some Chinese buyers.
"I've heard of smuggling guns and drugs. Hell, even smuggling people and animals. But smuggling highly-expensive cars and cigarettes. What's next, smuggling condoms?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) While Chad and Frank watch as Alex conduct his business dealing to his buyers and right when he's about to get the money, the Hong Kong Marine Police show up to break up the party.
(A smuggler points a Smith & Wesson Model 60 to his cheek)
Chinese Smuggler: You set us up. No Mercedes, no cash.
"I should ask how is the trigger back that far and a round not have gone off?" Sean asked.
"Actually, the hammer on the gun is cocked and the revolver is in single-action mode. Therefore, the trigger should be that far." Dave said.
"You get the hell out of here!" Sean shouted as Dave runs out of the living room.
Sean: (Narrating) A firefight breaks out between the smugglers and Frank while Alex beats the living crap out of them and kicks them off of the boat, and now, they're left with the cops on their tail. So, Chad and Frank dump the cars off of the boat and use them as explosives to keep the cops off of their tail.
Alex Wagner: (To Chad) Welcome to Hong Kong. (Sticks the cigar in his mouth)
Sean: (Narrating) As Chad gets a taste of Hong Kong and it's cuisine...
Frank Avery: Chad, take a bite. Be a man.
Chad Wagner: What's it supposed to do? Make my dick bigger?
(Danielle and Chad laugh. Chad sees that Alex is not laughing and Danielle stops laughing)
"Yeah, aren't we all shipping Chad and Danielle right about now? She could go for the good brother. But then again, Alex would murder him." Sean said.
Frank Avery: All right, Alex. I think that Chad and I established our credentials yesterday. Now, what do we do about your tunnel?
Alex Wagner: My tunnel?
Danielle Wilde: Is there any sort of proof? Any legal documentation?
Frank Avery: There doesn't have to be, girlie. I was there. I got the scars.
"You see this scar? I got that from my cat when I was trying to give her a bath." Sean said as he points to his hand.
Sean: (Narrating) Danielle leaves because she couldn't take too much of this stuff that Frank is talking about and Alex reveals to them that she works for Griffith. So now, they don't know if they could trust her because she could tell him everything. So while Alex tells Danielle to check for evidence at her job, Chad waits for Alex until he is picked up by some of Zhang's goons, who they mistake him for Alex and they put Chad inside a limo with their boss Raymond Zhang, played by Philip Chan.
Raymond Zhang (Played by Philip Chan): Alex, it's so good to see you.
(Moon enters the limo and speaks Cantonese and turns back to Mr. Zhang. We see a scar on Moon's face and he is blind in one eye)
Moon: Mr. Zhang.
"Even with that badass scar on his face, they manage to make Bolo Yeung's character even more menacing." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Mr. Zhang, thinking that Chad is Alex, is not to happy about the botched deal. Also, don't you just love the fact that this idiot doesn't recognize that this guy he's talking to is not Alex? Could he not tell the difference between the hair? Anyway during the limo ride, Mr. Zhang offers Chad a cigar and Chad notices the initials "PDW" inscribed on the cigar box.
"Yeah, I've neglected to mention this little piece of information right here. So, I guess it's a right time to mention it." Sean said.
(Cut to an earlier scene where Katherine reaches underneath the seat and finds a cigar box with the initials "PDW")
Sean: (Narrating) The little cigar box that Zhang has used to belong to Chad and Alex's father. It was a gift from Frank and it didn't have any cigars in it. So after Paul and Katherine were killed, Zhang took the cigar box and kept it as his own. He held onto it after all these years.
"There. Had to bring it up." Sean said.
Raymond Zhang: Alex, because of your little escapade the other day, I've got the police breathing down my neck. Now, if you were on my team, we wouldn't be bumping heads this way, would we?
(Chad continues to look at the cigar box and Zhang notices this)
Raymond Zhang: You like that box? I picked it up at an estate auction. Together with this lighter. It was 25 years ago.
"Yeah, at an estate auction that was filled with bullets and people's brains getting splattered." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So Zhang brings Chad, who he believes is Alex to see some potential buyers and he tells Chad that a freighter will deliver some cargo in Tolo Harbour on Thursday and all he need to do is to pick it up and asks if he'll do it. But Chad gives Mr. Zhang the three magic words that will piss someone off.
Chad Wagner: Go fuck yourself.
(Moon looks up at Chad and some of Zhang's men hear this)
Raymond Zhang: (Chuckles) I didn't hear you.
Chad Wagner: You go fuck yourself.
(Zhang looks at Chad for a moment and takes the cigar from out of his mouth and spits)
Raymond Zhang: Big mistake.
"Nobody tells me to go fuck myself and lives to tell the tale." Sean said, imitating Zhang.
Sean: (Narrating) So Moon hits Chad in the stomach after he turns down Zhang's job offer and Chad fights some of Zhang's goons, who couldn't even manage to fight this one guy from California.
(Chad kicks a henchman as Moon grabs him. He speaks in Cantonese before snapping the henchman's neck, killing him)
Sean: (V/O as Chad) Oh, shit. That was totally a bad idea.
Moon: (After he slowly approaches Chad) Hm.
(Chad kicks Moon, but the menacing henchman ducks in time as Chad does a swinging leg kick. Then, Moon hits Chad in the groin)
Sean: (V/O as Chad) AAAHHHH! MY TENDERS!
(Moon hit Chad in the stomach, sending him inside a shipping container. He then approaches Chad and punches him in the face and slams him repeatedly against the shipping container wall)
"I'm guessing that was Bolo's payback for Van Damme kicking his ass in Bloodsport." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After Moon makes Chad forget what 2 + 2 equals, Zhang's men drop Chad off and he tells Frank and Alex about what happened.
Chad Wagner: I could have taken them. Except that big Chinese ugly motherfucker with a big scar on his cheek.
Frank Avery: All right, gentlemen. Let's quit flogging the log, here. What's it gonna be?
Chad Wagner: I'm in, Frank. All the way. I don't know about Alex.
(Alex walks over to the couch and sits down next to Chad)
Alex Wagner: I'm in.
"Nobody beats the crap out of my twin brother and gets away with it. Only I get to do that if he puts his hands on my girlfriend." Sean said, imitating Alex.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Danielle checks Griffith's personal files for information on the Victoria Harbour Tunnel but she is watched closely by his personal bodyguard Kara, played by six-time IFBB Ms. Olympia herself Corrina Everson.
Kara (Played by Corrina Everson): Everything under control, Miss Wilde?
(Danielle walks over to Kara)
Danielle Wilde: Yes. Thank you.
Kara: Does Mr. Griffith know you're here?
Danielle Wilde: Yes, of course. Pardon me, please.
"Hell, even for a female bodybuilder, Corrina Everson is smokin' hot in this movie. Even in that leather outfit of hers. They managed to make her character sexy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Alex takes Chad and Frank to an old abandoned hotel to serve as their base of operations for a while and Chad starts acting like a total Chad for a moment.
Frank Avery: Don't wait around for the bellboys. Put your luggage on the floor.
Chad Wagner: Can you show me one spot on the floor without bird shit.
Alex Wagner: Oh, sorry. We forgot to call the maid.
Chad Wagner: Very funny!
Sean: (V/O as Chad) I should've stayed in Los Angeles. I want to stay in a fancy hotel instead of this shitty place.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, so our heroes prepare for action as Chad examines some of the guns that Alex has bought for the raid.
Chad Wagner: (Looks at the Colt M1911A1) Alex, I think they screwed you.
Alex Wagner: Let me see.
(Alex grabs the gun from out of Chad's hands)
Chad Wagner: Next time, I'll make the deal.
(Alex shows Chad how the gun works by firing it in excess of ten times into a window)
Alex Wagner: Look good to me. (Hands the gun to Chad)
Frank Avery: Chad, tell me again exactly...
Sean: (Narrating) Wait, wait, wait...
"...wait, wait. Yeah, a few busted eardrums later from him firing that gun. Let me do some editing on this scene." Sean said.
(Cut back to the scene)
Chad Wagner: Alex, I think they screwed you.
Alex Wagner: Let me see.
(Alex fires the gun at the window. Then, a ringing sound is heard in the background, muffling the sounds of their voices)
Sean: (Narrating) Chad, Alex and Frank head down to Causeway Bay to ruin Zhang's drug operation and they get into a shootout with Zhang's men.
(One of the goons shoot at Alex. Alex takes cover as he reloads his Beretta 92FS pistol before pulling out a second gun. We see him dual wielding Beretta John Woo-style as he shoots at the goons)
Sean: (V/O as Alex) Two guns, bitches!
(Alex continues to shoot at the goons, managing to kill some of them)
"Okay, as awesome as this shootout was, I do have to point out something. Alex never pulled the top part of the gun back after putting the clip in. That gun shouldn't have fired. Also, Alex fired his two pistols 64 times without reloading. It's always somebody in action movie that tends to master the Unlimited Ammo cheat code." Sean said.
(Chad reloads his Heckler & Koch MP5A3 submachine gun until a Triad member points his Desert Eagle MK VII fitted with a Laser Aim LA 1000 laser sight mounted on top. He aims it at Chad for an inordinate amount of time)
"Really, dude? You're just gonna stand there and point your gun at Van Damme?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Well, aren't you the slowest moving Triad ever. You just couldn't wait till you get the laser pointed to his head. Just shoot him, for Christ's sake!
(The Triad gets shot by Frank, who's providing covering fire with his sniper rifle)
(A clip from The Good, the Bad and the Ugly is shown)
Tuco (Played by Eli Wallach): When you have to shoot, shoot. Don't talk.
Sean: (Narrating) Our heroes manage to blow up the drug operation and the next day, Danielle tells Alex that Griffith is going to an important meeting at the Klimax Klub, which is owned by Raymond Zhang of all people. So, they head down to the Klimax Klub to bust up their meeting and Alex sends Mr. Zhang a box of his favorite cognac. Meanwhile, we see that Griffith and Zhang are having a meeting with the other crime lords and the raid on their drug factory, which was destroyed.
Nigel Griffith: I know you're all aware of this temporary setback. Since the police are not claiming responsibility, one can only assume that it was the work of an outside rival. Or worse yet... an inside rival.
"Boy, this dude is giving me some serious Bond villain vibes. He's British, has a criminal organization and he has a personal bodyguard who would end up killing you." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And you're gonna see what happens when you cross Griffith and Zhang.
Raymond Zhang: Mr. Ngyuen?
Mr. Ngyuen (Played by Kwok-Kai Ng): No! No! Not me!
(The bodyguard with spurs kicks Mr. Ngyuen down while Kara approaches him and gets on top of him and stabs him in the chest with her knife)
Sean: (V/O as Mr. Ngyuen) Best... death...ever... ugh...
(Griffith sighs as Kara wipes the blood off of the blade with a napkin)
Nigel Griffith: More cake, anyone?
"Uh, yeah. Could I have the big piece and can I have Mr. Ngyuen's piece since he's dead?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) So Chad and Alex have the boxes of cognac sent to Mr. Zhang, but Zhang's henchmen corners Chad when he tries to send the other box to him, but these guys are in for a surprise... an explosive surprise and all hell breaks loose.
(One of the Triads leap at Alex. But Alex catches the man and throws him on a table while Chad gets up to fight the henchman with long hair by kicking him through a window. We cut back to Alex, who takes a drink from a whiskey glass before breaking it with his hand and grabs two bottles of liquor)
Sean: (V/O as Alex) Here, have a drink!
(Alex hits the Triad member in the head with the bottles of liquor)
Sean: (Narrating) Chad, Alex and Frank get ready to leave the club, but they are busted by Griffith and Zhang and they're in for a big shock.
(Griffin and Zhang see Chad, Alex and Frank)
Raymond Zhang: There's two of them.
"What? There's two of them? How did I not see that? Seriously, how dumb are you guys?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Danielle is checking out Griffith's private files, until she is caught by Kara and then this happens.
(As Danielle tries to leave, Kara stops her)
Kara: What's the big hurry? Are you, um... hiding something?
Danielle Wilde: No.
Kara: No? That's good, because... I have to frisk you.
(Kara pushes Danielle against the wall and starts frisking her in a sexual manner)
"Uhhhhhh..." Sean said.
(Sexy porno music plays in the background)
Kara: And if I don't find anything, well...
(Kara slips her hands underneath Danielle's skirt
Kara: I can let you go. (Grabs Danielle's head back and whispers to her) And we can just forget this ever happened. C'mon, now. Turn around. That's a good girl, yeah.
"Am I supposed to be turned on or am I supposed to be freaked out by this?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) I mean, Jesus Christ. Why is this part in this movie? Man, poor Alonna Shaw! You could see the look of fear on her face during the scene. Seeing a woman getting sexually molested by another woman. Hell, this could've gotten very sexual. I'm pretty sure that there's a fanfic out there featuring Danielle and Kara. But Jesus.
"God, it made me feel uncomfortable watching this scene. But then again, I would have Corrina Everson frisk me. Hell, she'll let me frisk her." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After that Brazzers Hot & Mean porn gone wrong...
"Seriously, I was expecting her to kiss Kara, but this scene was too uncomfortable to watch." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) ...Kara calls Chad and she talks to him about an old document that she's found. But what she doesn't know is that Griffith and Zhang are listening in on their conversation. Smart move there, blondie! Let the bad guys listen in on your conversation! And this was your boss too! That is the dumbest move ever!
"A little tip, when you call someone that you found some important information, make sure that nobody's listening in on your conversation like they're the friggin' NSA." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Chad tries to look for Alex and Frank, but instead he takes Alex's boat to rescue Danielle while Alex and Frank return from cutting wood to see that the boat is gone. Chad meets up with Danielle at Alex's place and she shows him the important documents. Meanwhile, Alex becomes paranoid about his brother and Kara, thinking that he's totally gonna bang her. He gets so mad, that he even punches the phone.
Alex Wagner: I'm gonna kill him! (Punches the phone out of his hand)
Sean breaks down in laughter from the scene. "Dude, I think you just knocked out the guy on the other line."
Sean: (Narrating) But then Kara and some of Zhang's goons show up to look for Chad and Danielle. But Chad and Danielle go out through a secret passageway and kicks the back door... (Notices another room, which is the set of the movie) ...leading them to a movie set. But they end up getting spotted by Zhang's men and they get chased by them. Chad and Danielle manage to get away from the bad guys by jumping into the ocean and swim back to the boat. Also, don't you just love how Chad's clothes are completely dry as well as his hair as if it looks as if it has just been styled and also Danielle's hair is dry while her clothes are hanging to dry after jumping into the ocean? I guess the boat has a blow dryer in it as well. Back with Alex, he is busy getting drunk and even more paranoid as he thinks that Chad and Danielle are sleeping with each other. Hell, he even imagines it in graphic detail!
(Alex begins to imaging Chad and Danielle having sex)
Alex Wagner: Motherfucker!
(Alex gets into a drunken rage by breaking stuff)
"Boy, am I watching a softcore porn on Cinemax because this is pretty hot. Hell, at least we get to see Alonna Shaw's boobies on the scene. Sorry, ladies. You won't be seeing Van Damme naked in the movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Don't worry, in actuality, Chad and Danielle do not give into temptation as they head back to the hideout with Frank not very happy about what Chad did and he tries to get rid of the boat. And then, they are confronted by a drunken Alex.
Alex Wagner: Ain't this a sweet picture.
Danielle Wilde: Alex, I tried to call you. Somebody searched me at the office.
Alex Wagner: Don't stop there, bro. I think she likes it.
Danielle Wilde: Alex, it's not what it seems.
Alex Wagner: You shut up.
Chad Wagner: Alex... cool down. Chill out, pal.
"Hey! Don't tell me to chill, my momma tells me to chill! So I chill you!" Sean yelled out, imitating a drunk Alex.
Sean: (Narrating) Alex hits Danielle like he's friggin' Ike Turner, but Chad hits Alex because he won't stand seeing a beautiful woman getting hit and the two of them start fighting each other.
(The twins start fighting each other as Chad kicks at Alex. Alex blocks the kick)
Alex Wagner: You're not bad for a pussy.
(Alex charges at Chad as he pushes him against the door. Chad headbutts Alex)
Alex Wagner: (Shouts) Come on!
(Chad kicks at Alex, but Alex dodges his twin brother's kicks. Chad manages to hit Alex with his kicks, he gets ready to kick him, but Alex grabs his leg and the two of them fall through the railing)
"Oh, come on! I can't tell who's winning!" Sean yelled out while eating popcorn.
Sean: (Narrating) Frank comes in to break up the fight and tries to get the two of them to work together, but because Alex won't work with his brother, Chad has enough and leaves.
Frank Avery: You're out of here? What do you mean, "out of here"? Whare you going?
Chad Wagner: I'm going home! Los Angeles!
Frank Avery: We're on an island on the other side of the fucking ocean.
Chad Wagner: I'll swim!
Frank Avery: Hey!
Chad Wagner: I'll swim!
(Chad starts running away)
Sean: (V/O as Chad) Fuck, Hong Kong! I'll swim to Los Angeles!
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Alex wakes up to a massive hangover while Chad wakes up in various parts of the beach and they see that the bad guys arrived and they capture Danielle and Frank. But Chad and Alex arrive too Van Damme late, but they managed to take out some of the bad guys and capture one of them to get the location of the enemy hideout. And we cut to Zhang's boat, called the Golden Glory., where we see that Frank and Danielle are being held hostage.
Nigel Griffith: Hello, Frank.
Raymond Zhang: (Approaches Frank) Are you ready to talk? Or are you ready to scream?
Frank Avery: Like I said... fuck you!
(Zhang tortures Frank by shooting hot steam through a hose, making Frank scream in pain)
"Okay, that's not torture. You're just opening up his pores to make him feel refreshed.
Sean: (Narrating) Chad and Alex settle their differences as they infiltrate the base and start fighting their way in and along the way, Chad gets into a shootout with some of Zhang's men while Alex fights some asshole who's wearing spurs.
(The bodyguard with spurs kicks Alex in the arm, cutting him. He moves around in the dark while Alex couldn't see him)
"Spurs? Really? Who wears spurs during a fight? And in the dark too. Okay, I have to admit, that scene is pretty cool." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But Alex manages to get some light in the room by punching a hole in the wall and finally does the guy in.
(Alex grabs the bodyguard with spurs and punches him repeatedly in the face, killing him)
"Damn! That dude definitely felt the impact." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Chad stumbles across the set of Donkey Kong, but it turns out to be Moon trying to impersonate Donkey Kong by throwing barrels at him and we get an awesome little fight scene between Chad and Moon. It's Van Damme vs. Bolo Yeung. Who's gonna win?
(Moon turns on the light and stays silent while making hand gestures to Chad)
"I'm guessing this is Moon's way of playing charades." Sean said.
(Moon takes off his shirt and flexes his muscles)
Sean: (V/O as Moon) What is that up there?
(Moon punches Chad in the stomach)
Sean: (V/O as Moon) Psyche!
(Chad and Moon continue to fight each other)
"Okay, for a fight scene so awesome, I'm gonna have to play this song." Sean said.
(The song "Fight to Survive" by Stan Bush plays in the background during the fight scene between Chad and Moon. After the song ends, Chad kicks Moon multiple times, sending him back into an electrical fuse box which electrocutes him. Moon screams while being electrocuted. This kills him, then sparks ignite the fuel, creating a fire trail that leads to a fuel tank as Chad makes a run for it and jumps as the barrel explodes in a glitchy effect)
"And no, your computer is not being glitchy: that's actually how the scene was shot." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Alex arrives to rescue Danielle and Frank, but then Kara goes all Xenia Onatopp on his ass and tries to kill him with her legs.
Kara: (To Alex) It's you and I, dickhead. Come on!
Sean: (V/O as Kara) This time, Mr. Wagner. The pleasure will be all mine.
(Kara attacks Alex with her knife and cuts him. She then grabs Alex by his crotch)
"Okay, which one of the writers was obsessed with crotches in this movie? I bet ya somebody was." Sean said.
(Cut to various scenes referring to crotches in the movie)
Danielle Wilde: What else do you have in here?
(Danielle unzips Chad's shorts)
Chad Wagner; Big surprise. Huge surprise./What's this supposed to do, make my dick bigger?
(Cut to Moon punching Chad in the groin and we finally cut to Kara grabbing Alex by his crotch. Alex grabs Kara by her wrist and she tightens her grip)
Sean: (Narrating) Alex makes Kara die from embarrassment by stabbing her with her own knife. Chad arrives to free Frank and Danielle and Alex goes after Zhang up the top of a crane while Chad goes after Griffith through a maze of shipping crates. Griffith tries to get the drop on Chad with a shipping crate and Chad does a little magic trick on Griffith.
Nigel Griffith: Come on. Chad or Alex or whichever one you are.
(Chad appears from out of the shadows as we see him in the forklift)
Chad Wagner: Griffith!
(Chad drops a shipping container on Griffith, killing him)
"Well, somebody's been taking lessons from Martin Riggs." Sean said as a clip from Lethal Weapon 2 featuring Vorstedt's death scene is shown in the top right corner.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Alex dukes it out with Zhang on top of a crane and drops him. Therefore, happy ending! The bad guys are dead,, Chad and Alex reconcile and Alex and Danielle reunite and they all live happily ever after.
"And then we get the most awesome song that plays during the end credits." Sean said.
(We cut to the end credits as the song "Feel the Impact" by Gen plays in the background)
"Whenever I hear that song, I imagine Jean-Claude Van Damme dancing to this song." Sean said.
(A clip from the movie Kickboxer is shown, featuring the character Kurt Sloane dancing in a bar. This time, he is dancing to the song "Feel the Impact")
"And that was Double Impact, still an awesome movie and still my favorite Van Damme movie." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) It can be laughably silly at times and sometimes this film has some out there moments, but we get some of that good 'ol 90s cheese that I love. Is it worth seeing two Van Dammes in one movie? Absolutely. I mean, it's not as awesome as Double Team or Lionheart or Bloodsport or Kickboxer, but it's still awesome in my book. Two Van Dammes for the price of one. Now who could beat that? Double Impact comes in at 3 Van Damme splits out of 5.
"I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and next time we're going to be taking a look at something special that's coming back." Sean said as he lifts up his Cap 'n Crunch t-shirt.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Take your fancy clothes and your black silk underwear and go back to Disneyland.
And that is all for the newest chapter of The Mayhem Critic. I hope that you all enjoyed reading it and some of it's funny moments in it. Next time, Sean and Lucas take a look at a new batch of commercials in Commercials X: The Clone Wars. Then after Commercials X, Sean reviews Jurassic Park just in time for it's 30th anniversary, followed by the review of In the Line of Fire, also just in time for it's 30th anniversary. Hope that you all are are excited for the upcoming reviews and also the commercials special. Feel free to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Also, if you have any requests for a movie or a television show for me to review or if you want to do a co-review with me, feel free to PM me, if you like. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.