The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and I am here to bring you another hilarious and fun chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Okay, so first off, I'm letting you guys know that I will be working 3rd shift at my job next week, so I'll try to find the time to try and update this story since I'll be working nights. Anyway, it's update time. When we last left off, Sean the Mayhem Critic reviewed the thriller Law Abiding Citizen and gave his thoughts about this underrated gem. Today, Sean the Mayhem Critic is going to tackle the Alien franchise and he is going to review the one that people consider this to be the worst one in the series. The one that Sean doesn't care for, aside from Alien Resurrection. And that film is Alien 3. A film that shows what happens when the studio interferes. Is this considered to be the worst one in the franchise? We'll find out today. This is the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Sit back, relax and enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights and references belong to their respective sources. Alien 3 is owned by 20th Century Fox.
Episode 186
Alien 3
(We open with a skit that starts in the year 1991 and we cut to an office at 20th Century Fox, where we see Sean, playing producer Walter Hill, along with Brian, who's playing the movie's screenwriter Vincent Ward, and special guest star Jake Bongiovi, who's playing as director David Fincher)
"Okay, Aliens. I tell ya, this movie was a big success for us. For the third film, we need to take a new direction so we couldn't repeat the first two. Now, Vincent. I've brought David here since this is his feature film debut as director, I'm sure you've got some ideas for us to hear." Sean said.
"Yeah, I'm pretty interested to hear your ideas as well." Jake said.
"Alright, I have the perfect title for the Alien sequel." Brian said, in a British accent.
"What's the title? You have Alien dealing with one alien on a ship. And then you have Aliens, making it much more terrifying of what many other aliens could do." Sean said.
"Alright, are you two ready?" Brian asked.
"Yeah. Yeah. Just tell us." Jake said.
"Alien 3." Brian said.
"No, seriously. What's the title of the movie?" Jake asked.
"That's the title. Alien 3." Brian said.
"So, you're serious?" Sean asked.
"Yep." Brian said. "In fact, we'll make the "3" very small and in the corner of the title." Brian said.
"So, we'll be dealing with three aliens on Earth?" Sean asked.
"Nope, just one." Brian said.
"Just one? Are you kidding me?" Jake asked.
"Just one." Brian said once more. "In fact, this is an alien that they've never seen before. This is an alien that's going to be coming out of a dog."
Sean immediately does a spit take while drinking his cup of coffee.
"A dog? A fucking dog?! Have you lost your mind, Vincent?" Sean asked.
"Couldn't the alien come out of a dead ox instead of a dog?" Jake asked.
"Oh, bollocks to that. We're doing a dog instead." Brian said.
"Okay, any idea for the alien?" Sean asked.
"What makes it different is that it walks on all fours." Brian said as Sean and Jake both look at him.
"And?" Sean asked.
"That's just it." Brian said.
Sean takes off his glasses and makes a facepalm in disgust. "Oh, my God."
"Okay. Where will the movie take place?" Jake asked.
"We'll have Ripley crash-land on a planet housing a penal colony populated by violent male inmates." Brian said.
"So, what's their story?" Sean asked.
"Not sure what their story is." Brian said.
"Oy." Sean said.
"And the Queen Alien from the last film laid an egg on the ship even though her egg sack was ripped off and the facehugger breaks into Ripley's pod." Brian said.
"Ah. So I know that the characters that we really grew an emotional attachment to in the last film will be alive." Jake said.
"Nope. They die." Brian said.
"What the fuck?!" Sean yelled out.
"The shit are you talking about, Vincent? What do you mean that they die?" Jake asked.
"So, Bishop, Hicks and Newt. They're all..." Sean said.
"Dead. D-E-A-D. Dead. They're a bunch of stiffs. Bereft of life. They rest in peace. They shuffled off the mortal coil." Brian said.
"Well, Michael Biehn is like Sean Bean. He dies in every movie that he's in." Sean said.
"Oh, yeah. They cut Newt open." Brian said.
"Oh, you motherf... Let me compose myself before I end up killing someone. Why would they cut Newt open?" Sean asked.
"So Ripley could make sure that there was no alien inside her." Brian said.
"You know that this movie is going to suck. The audience is going to be pissed." Jake said.
"Oh, I know. Well, I'll see you guys later. I'm off. Cheerio." Brian said as he leaves the office.
"Christ. Do you believe this guy?" Sean asked.
"Well, I hope to direct a better film in three years, and trust me, it'll be epic as hell." Jake said.
(The traditional Mayhem Criti intro is shown before we cut to our favorite residential movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting on the couch in his living room)
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said before he talks about the topic for today's film. "Have I talked about the Alien franchise yet?"
(The title screen for "Alien" is shown, followed by clips from the movie while music by Jerry Goldsmith plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) What can I say about Alien? It was one of the greatest Sci-Fi horror films ever made and it definitely changed the way we looked at Sci-Fi horror. If you haven't heard of the movie, then let me give you a quick rundown on what the movie is about. The first film Alien was released in 1979 and it was written by Dan O'Bannon and Ronald Shusett and it was directed by Ridley Scott. So, what's it about? It's about the crew of the commercial space tug Nostromo coming across a deadly lifeform after investigating an unknown transmission. The film stars Tom Skerritt as Dallas, Sigourney Weaver as Ellen Ripley, Veronica Cartwright as Lambert, Harry Dean Stanton as Brett, John Hurt as Kane, Ian Holm as Ash and Yaphet Kotto as Parker. I remember watching this movie on SyFy when I was young and when I watched it, I was surprised by the scene where the Chestburster popped out of John Hurt. And let's not forget how creepy the Alien is. Keeping it in the shadows and the jumpscares tend to get me when the alien appears and kills them. Plus, I love the design of the Alien. H.R. Giger, who designed the Alien, did an excellent job with it's design. After it's release, it got mixed reviews from critics but it was a box-office success. This also launched Weaver's acting career and this movie would become one of the greatest Sci-Fi films of all time.
(The title screen for "Aliens" is shown, followed by clips from the movie while music by James Horner plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Seven years later, a sequel is made and it was called Aliens. The sequel was directed by James Cameron, who just came off from directing The Terminator. Long story short: this one is one of the best and one of the greatest sequels ever. It is also one of my favorites. With the first film focusing on survival horror, this one focused on action. Yes, you still have some intense, gory and scary moments with the fact that there's not more than one alien, you have the Queen Alien and you have a shit ton of these monsters running loose. Also, if you haven't seen Alien and Aliens, then go check it out now. They have the Alien movies on Hulu. You'll definitely have an excellent time watching Aliens, trust me.
"And then, we come to what people consider this to be the worst one in the Alien franchise and the one that I have a pure hatred of. God, do I have to go through with this? Alien 3." Sean said.
(The title screen for "Alien 3" is shown, followed by clips from the movie while music by Elliot Goldenthal plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, this movie took a big risk that the movies had ever taken. Alien 3 was released in theaters on May 22, 1992, and coming off of the heels of one of the best Sci-Fi movies of all time and one of the greatest sequels ever made. After the movie's release, people's reactions was a resounding...
Morse (Played by Danny Webb): Fuck!
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, that's basically everyone's reaction after seeing that movie. It was no surprise that this one was the weakest in the franchise because it was in development hell for a long time. Originally, the third film was going to focus more on Michael Biehn's Corporal Hicks rather than Weaver's Ripley since she's reduced to a cameo appearance before returning in the fourth installment and it was going to be a two-part story. But 20th Century Fox didn't like the script because of the film exploring Weyland-Yutani and them using the Aliens as biological weapons. The next script was written by cyberpunk author William Gibson, which involves a Marxist space empire and the next one involves the aliens coming to Earth and people rise up to stop them. Another involves being trapped in a monastary with monks and the other was being trapped on a prison planet. But eventually, they settled with both and put them together. Also, Ripley has to be the focus. Weaver agreed to this, but only one condition: Ripley has to die. This is also the directorial debut of David Fincher, who would go on to direct a better film three years later.
(A clip from Se7en is shown)
David Mills (Played by Brad Pitt): What's in the box? What's in the fucking box?!
"Well, it's not Gwyneth Paltrow's head. I can tell you that." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) I will be reviewing the Theatrical Cut of the movie and the differences between that one and the Assembly Cut of version of the film since I have both versions on Blu-Ray because it's my job to talk about the differences between the versions and see which scene is different. Hell, the movie's still gonna suck depending on which version you watch.
"Well, let's take a look at the Alien film that I didn't like..." Sean said as the poster for Alien Resurrection is shown. "Okay, aside from Alien Resurrection."
(Posters for Alien Vs. Predator and Aliens Vs. Predator: Requiem are shown)
"Oh, God. Just to save you the expense of that joke. This is Alien 3." Sean said.
(The movie opens with the 20th Century Fox logo)
Sean: (Narrating) I would just like to point out that you know when your movie is bad when the 20th Century Fox fanfare just stops midway like it's confused about something.
(The logo's fanfare plays, but before it finishes, it abruptly holds on a note for a very long time as the screen fades out and the fanfare just stops right then and there without finishing)
"Okay, is it just me or did the logo forget that it was in Alien 3?" Sean asked.
(Cut to the 20th Century Fox logo)
Sean: (V/O as Logo) Wait a minute, I'm doing Alien 3. To hell with this, I'm outta here!
(The logo zips away, leaving only the searchlights. Afterwards, we then cut to the opening, where we see that it's alternating between the opening footage and the credits)
Sean: (Narrating) We then get an opening that has a pretty uneven feel to the movie, as we see an alien egg aboard the Sulaco and a Facehugger starts a fire aboard the ship. Mind you, this is going to be the last time that we see Hicks, Newt and Bishop in this movie. The three major players that survived in the last film, but the movie seems more interested in showing who did the casting for the movie.
Ship's Computer: Stasis interrupted...
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, my God. A Facehugger is on her...
(The scene is interrupted as the credits cut in, now displaying the credit for the music, which was composed by Elliot Goldenthal)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh. That's good to know that the guy who composed the music for Batman Forever and Batman & Robin worked on this movie.
"Could you at least go back to the people who I'm invested in, please?" Sean asked.
(An alarm goes of as we see Ripley tossing and turning as the computer show's her body's brain flashing red)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, my God. What's happening to Ripley? Is she gonna be...
(Cut to another credit: "Production Designer Norman Reynolds")
Sean: (Narrating) "Production Designer". Cool! Whatever! Can we get back to you ripping my nuts off?!
(Suddenly, a fire rages through the ship)
Sean: (Narrating) Holy shit! It's a fire!
(Cut to another credit: "Co-Producer Sigourney Weaver")
Sean: (Narrating) I DON'T CARE IF SIGOURNEY WEAVER IS THE CO-PRODUCER OF THIS TURKEY! IT'S NOT THAT IMPORTANT! Anyway, we see that the escape pod crash lands onto Fiorina "Fury 161". Oh, no. Don't stop there. I'm curious to know who's the sound editor for the movie, maybe the caterer, who did the visual effects, who will I punch out for Alien Resurrection.
(A picture of Joss Whedon is shown, accompanied with the phrase: "ME!")
Sean: (Narrating) Where was I? Oh, yeah. Ripley's escape pod crash-lands on Fiorina "Fury 161", a barren world home to a foundry facility and a penal colony that's inhabited by all-male inmates who are all...
(A clip from The SpongeBob Squarepants Movie is shown after we see some of the inmates who discover the crashed pod)
SpongeBob SquarePants (Voiced by Tom Kenny): BALD! BALD! BALD!
Crowd: BALD! BALD! BALD! BALD! BALD!
Fish (Voiced by Mr. Lawrence): MY EYES!
Sean: (Narrating) A group of prisoners discover the escape pod and they take Ripley, played by Sigourney Weaver, to the infirmary. And we get a moment that really pissed everyone off when they saw the movie where we see three of the characters from the last film, dead.
"Okay, that is a pretty ballsy thing to do." Sean said.
(Posters of different horror films like Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers, Scream 2, Scream (2022), A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, Halloween: Resurrection and Psycho are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) But then again, this is horror we're talking about. A genre where you can kill off the main characters at the end or at the halfway mark of the film. Yet, we see characters from previous films getting killed off in sequels before and it worked and it didn't feel out of place. But this one does because in the last film, we saw this almost-family relationship between Ripley, Newt and Hicks that was being developed. There were some deaths in horror films that caught me off-guard like Randy Meeks and Dewey in the Scream movies, Nancy in A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors. And there were some that pissed you off like Rachel's death in Halloween 5 and Laurie Strode in Halloween: Resurrection. And before I forget, Jamie Lloyd's death in Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers. This one really pissed me off because I did not want to see Hicks and Newt die. It was done right out of nowhere. Hell, there wasn't even a goodbye scene, they just die! And it was done during the opening credits!
"Look here, if my apparent death isn't as important as the writer's credit, I'D BE PISSED OFF!" Sean yelled out.
Suddenly, Sean ends up getting shot in the back before we cut to the end credits, where we see Brian's name, "Brian Runyon", and his credit as writer, and an accompanying image of him is shown while the song "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" by Tears for Fears plays in the background.
Brian: (V/O as the kid in the Ten Thirteen Productions logo) I made this.
Sean: (Narrating) After seeing our hearts get ripped out by the screenwriter for killing off these beloved characters, we see that the warden of this penal colony Superintendent Harry Andrews, played by Brian Glover, is starting off his dialogue with the words "As you know"...
"The most laziest, yet cliched line I've ever heard in my life." Sean said.
Andrews (Played by Brian Glover): As some of you know...
"Wait, nevermind. He said "As some of you know..." We'll give him a free pass on that." Sean said.
Andrews: ...a 337 model EEV crash-landed here at 0600 on the morning watch. There was one survivor, two dead and a droid that was hopelessly smashed beyond repair. The survivor is a woman.
Sean: (V/O as Prisoner #1) A woman?!
Brian: (V/O as Prisoner #2) Ewww! Cooties! Get her out of here!
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, so here's the thing about this prison. It's a heavily religious prison where the inmates have taken a vow of celibacy and there are no weapons. And yet the prisoners and the guards have no problem with this. And don't worry, we'll get to the dumbest line uttered by Andrews later on in the movie. But come on! These guys haven't seen a woman in their lives. "A woman? Here on this planet? Yuck!"
(We cut to Clemens checking up on Ripley in the infirmary as we see him getting ready to inject a syringe into her)
Sean: (Narrating) Ripley wakes up in the infirmary and she meets the prison's doctor Jonathan Clemens, played by Charles Dance.
Ripley (Played by Sigourney Weaver): Doctor?
Clemens (Played by Charles Dance): My name is Clemens.
Sean: (V/O as Clemens) It's short for "Clementine".
(Clemens injects Ripley with a syringe)
Clemens: This is basically a stabilizer. I really ought to shave your head. We have a big problem with lice here. And when you're feeling better, I'll give you some clippers, and you cand tend to your private parts yourself.
"Oh, yeah. Everyone's bald on this planet because of lice. Boy, imagine shaving the pubes off of your Johnson. Yikes." Sean said.
(Cut to the Assembly Cut, where we see Clemens finding Ripley washed up on the beach)
Sean: (Narrating) In the Assembly Cut, we're immediately introduced to Clemens as we see him come across Ripley's body on the beach after the escape pod crashed and we see Ripley covered in dirt and grime and lice as opposed to the Theatrical Cut, where she is seen not too dirty when they find her and yet she's covered head to toe in dirt when they bring her into the infirmary.
Ripley: Where are the others?
Clemens: They didn't make it.
Ripley: What?
Clemens: They didn't survive.
Sean: (Narrating) Clemens takes Ripley down to the ship when she's supposed to stay in the infirmary because if the inmates see a woman roaming around, it would be big trouble. So she goes to check out the ship and she's horrified to find out about the others and when she sees an acid mark on the cryotube, she suspects that a Xenomorph played a part in her arrival. So, Ripley demands to see Newt in the morgue. But before we do that, we see that one of the inmates Thomas Murphy, played by Christopher Fairbank, finding his dog Spike and he noticed something attacked his dog.
(Murphy sees the wounds on Spike's face, which were caused by a Facehugger)
Thomas Murphy (Played by Christopher Fairbank): What have you been sticking your face into, huh? Here. Did somebody do this to you? What kind of animal would do this to a dog?
"I don't know. Maybe a bear, alligator... my cat Riley. I'm just taking a guess here." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Clemens takes Ripley to the morgue so she can see Newt's body.
"And playing the role of Newt is Danielle Edmond because Carrie Henn was unable to reprise her role as Newt because she was too old for the part. See, here's my problem with this." Sean said.
(Cut to Aliens where we see a montage of Newt in certain scenes)
Sean: (Narrating) Instead of getting a different actress to play as Newt, you could've gotten Carrie Henn to reprise her role as the character. That would've been so cool if Newt was there. You could say that her pod was broken, so she's older, but she's been asleep through the aging process. That way Ripley could have someone to talk to and to have her pass down that Alien ass-kicking torch to her if something happens to her. Plus, you have Newt trapped in prison, which would make things more intense. God, that was such a missed opportunity. Hell, you could've kept Hicks alive as well. You'll have one badass Corporal Marine to teach these guys how to fight. Plus, you have that family dynamic between Ripley, Hicks and Newt and if something happens to Ripley, you'll have Hicks watch over Newt.
"Again, another missed opportunity. Man, this is just the movie's way to piss me off, isn't it?" Sean asked.
Ripley: Could I have a moment alone, please?
Clemens: Yes, of course.
(Ripley checks Newt's body. She closes her eyes)
Ripley: (Softly) Forgive me.
(Ripley checks Newt's throat and her mouth for a sign of a Facehugger attack)
"Uh... what is she doing?" Sean asked, imitating one of the inmates.
(Ripley check's Newt's chest)
"Get her away from the body. She's gonna do unspeakable things to it." Sean said, imitating the inmate once more.
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, I think that's all. (Sighs) Boy, that was rough to get through...
Ripley: We have to do an autopsy.
"Huh?" Sean asked.
Ripley: I have to see inside of her.
"Sweet Baby Ray's barbecue sauce. Are you kidding me with this shit?" Sean asked.
(Clemens prepares everything for the operation as he takes a scalpel to cut inside Newt)
We cut back to Sean as we see him watching the scene with a shocked look on his face.
(Clemens picks up a saw to cut Newt open while Ripley watches. After he finished cutting her open, Clemens opens her chest with his hands, revealing her lungs)
"Holy Jesus!" Sean exclaimed. "Way to cut the nuts off of my hopes and dreams, movie."
Sean: (Narrating) So, after sitting through that rough scene... God, they should've stopped at Aliens. Ripley insist that they have to cremate the bodies. So, they hold a funeral at the furnace while the dog gives birth to an alien baby.
Dillon (Played by Charles S. Dutton: Why? Why are the innocent punished? Why the sacrifice? Why the pain?
"These are the exact same questions that I am asking about this movie." Sean said.
(We see that the Xenomorph, also known as the "Dragon", bursts out of the dog's chest and has already outgrown the dog)
"What the hell did I just witness?" Sean asked with a shocked expression on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) Did I just witness the Alien pop out of Archie from Another Stakeout while Newt and Hicks' funeral was going on? What were you thinking, movie? We saw an alien pop out of the Horned King during his meal and we saw one pop out of somebody in the last film. Here, it's Astro and the Chestburster. Also in the Assembly Cut of the film, the Alien popped out of the dead ox instead of the dog and it was much better. Plus, we get a CGI-effect of the Alien which is done pretty well.
"Don't worry, we'll talk about the effects later. Trust me." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Ripley sports a new look by turning herself into Ripley O'Connor and she joins the inmates for lunch, which they get a little uncomfortable seeing the only woman in the cafeteria with them and it's making her the odd woman out. Well, at least she'll try to make some friends.
Dillon: I'm a murderer and rapist of women.
"Uhhhhh... cool story, bro." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that Leonard Dillon, played by Charles S. Dutton, is the spiritual and de facto leader of this religious cult and he attempts to keep the peace in this facility. But hey, at least Ripley is making a good first impression on the inmates.
Dillon: You have any faith, sister?
Ripley: Not much.
Dillon: Well, we've got a lot of faith here. Enough even for you.
Ripley: I thought women weren't allowed.
Dillon: Well, we've never had any before, but we tolerate anybody. Even the intolerable.
Ripley: Thank you.
Dillon: That's just a statement of principle. Nothing personal. You see, we've got a good place to wait here. And until now, no temptation.
"And with you here, we're thinking naughty thoughts. Sinful thoughts that would make us break our vow of celibacy." Sean said, imitating Dillon.
(We then cut to Ripley and Clemens talking to each other in the next scene)
Sean: (Narrating) And speaking of temptation...
Ripley: Are you attracted to me?
Clemens: In what way?
Ripley: (Gives Clemens a look) In that way.
Clemens: Very direct.
Ripley: I've been out here a long time.
"Well, so much for that vow of celibacy that Clemens has taken." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And when somebody has sex in a horror movie, that means that someone is about to die. And it's that poor bastard Murphy, who ends up coming across something deadly.
(Murphy finds the "Dragon" in the ventilation system, thinking it's his dog and gets attacked by it as it spits acid in his face)
Sean: (V/O as Dragon) Hi, there!
(Murphy screams in agony, then he rolls down a nearby ventilation fan)
Sean: (V/O as Dragon) Oh, wait. Don't go. I'm your biggest fan!
(Murphy ends up getting shredded by the ventilation fan, killing him instantly)
"What did I say about having sex in a horror film, people. Don't have sex or you'll end up dead." Sean said.
(We cut to Ripley and Clemens, who are in bed with each other after they slept together)
Clemens: I really appreciate your affections, but I am aware that they deflected my question. In the nicest possible way, of course.
"You're much better than my son's mistress." Sean said, imitating Clemens while a picture of Shae from Game of Thrones is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) Clemens is called down to the ventilation shaft because there was an "accident" involving Murphy as Andrews and the prison's guard Francis Aaron, played by Ralph Brown, investigate with Clemens.
Andrews: (To Aaron) Who was it?
Clemens: Murphy.
Aaron (Played by Ralph Brown): How do you know?
Clemens: (Looks at Murphy's boot off to the side) That's his boot.
"Yeah. That's his boot. And I'm pretty sure that you'll find pieces of him all around. Oh wait, I think I see his ear right next to you." Sean pointed out.
Sean: (Narrating) Fearing the worst, Ripley goes to investigate the escape pod, where Clemens finds her without an escort and he tells her that he found a burn mark in the shaft like the one found on Newt's cryo-tube. He then tells her where Bishop is at, but he can't go with her because he's going to have a little chat with Superintendent Andrews over some steamed hams.
Andrews: Listen to me, you piece of shit. You screw with me one more time, I'll cut you in half.
Clemens: I'm sorry. I don't think I understand.
Andrews: At 0700 hours, I received word from the network. I may point out this is the first high-level communication. This installation has ever received to my knowledge. They want this woman looked after. They consider her to be very high priority.
Clemens: Why?
"Because she's been possessed by Zuul. What do you think?!" Sean asked.
Clemens: I think it might be better if I left. I find you unpleasant to be around.
Andrews: You do? Isn't that lovely? Consider this, Mr. Clemens. How would you like me to explain your sordid history to your newfound friend? For her personal edification, of course. Now sit the hell down. (Hands him a hot drink)
Sean: (V/O as Andrews) Here. I made this tea myself. It's called Murphy Mist with a hint of Newt.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Ripley heads out to the prison's garbage dump to find the damaged Bishop there.
(Ripley comes across a pile, with Bishop's corpse buried underneath and his hand extended outward)
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, everybody. Raise your hand if you think this movie sucks.
"I do." Sean said as he raised his hand.
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. What's the downside of being the only woman in prison where the inmates roam free?
(One of the inmates, Junior, approach Ripley and grabs her, then drapes her over the railing so that the other prisoners gang up on her, all while rock music plays in the background)
Inmate: Shut up, you fuckin' bitch! Shut up, you bitch!
Ripley: God damn it! Let go of me!
"Boy, these Brazzers gangbang videos are going way out of hand." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But then Dillon breaks up the demented gangbang and beats up on the prisoner, and givig Ripley the opportunity to get one good punch in on Peter Gregor, played by Peter Guinness.
(Ripley punches Gregor, even though they are several feet away from each other)
"Okay, even though they were several feet away from each other, that was one good punch." Sean said.
(We cut back to Ripley punching out Gregor)
Brendan Walsh: (V/O) One punch and down, bitch!
(We cut to Rains, Golic and Boggs, who are on a routine surveying mission)
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to somewhere in prison as we see three prisoners Daniel Rains played by Christopher John Fields, Walter Golic played by Doctor Who himself Paul McGann and Edward Boggs played by Leon Herbert, as we see them on some kind of suveying mission. Hmm, three men in a disused section of the prison. Oh, I'm sure they'll be fine.
(One of the candles start to mysteriously go out)
Boggs (Played by Leon Herbert): What the shit is doing that?
Golic (Played by Paul McGann): You're swearing.
Boggs: Shut up. It's all right to say "shit." It ain't against God.
Rains (Played by Christopher John Fields): What the hell is going on with the candles?
Boggs: Must be the wind from one of the vent shafts.
"Really? The wind? Do you know how many times in a movie somebody's like, "It's probably just the wind."? Well, it's never really the wind. It's probably something out to kill you. Come on. That's the biggest cliche in movie history." Sean said.
Rains: What the hell is going on with the candles?
Boggs: Must be the wind from one of the vent shafts.
Sean: (V/O as Dragon) It's not the wind!
(A clip from the A.N.T. Farm episode the phANTom locker is shown)
Olive Doyle (Played by Sierra McCormick): He says it's not the wind!
(Rains comes across the "Dragon" as it attacks him. Golic and Boggs see Rains getting mauled and they start running)
Sean: (Narrating) The Alien kills Rains as Golic and Boggs make a run for it. And just a quick side note: when running in a complete circle in a horror movie, don't wait for something or someone to kill you.
(The "Dragon" pierces Boggs' skull with it's inner jaw, killing him. His blood drenches Golic. He looks up at the "Dragon", stunned and frozen in fear. The "Dragon" then turns his attention to Golic)
Sean: (V/O as Dragon) Surprise, motherfu...
(Golic screams like a girl and runs away)
Sean: (V/O as Dragon) Hey, wait! Don't go! Aren't you going to ask me if you want to assist me for the Assembly Cut? Eh, forget it.
Sean: (Narrating) Ripley revives Bishop by hot-wiring him Frankenstein-style and let me bring this up, the effect on Bishop is pretty damn good. It reminds me of Ash from the first film. When I was young, I thought that this was Lance Henrickson, but it was actually an animatronic. So anyway, Bishop played by the great Lance Henrickson, tells Ripley everything that we know.
Ripley: What happened on the Sulaco? Why were our cryo-tubes ejected?
Bishop (Played by Lance Henrickson): (Replaying the audio) Stasis interrupted. Fire in cryogenic compartment.
"Yeah, we know that. We don't need a quick recap." Sean said.
Ripley: What happened? What started the fire, Bishop? Can you hear me?
Bishop: (Normal) The fire was electrical. It was in the subflooring.
"Okay, we know that." Sean said, getting a bit annoyed.
Ripley: Was there an alien on board?
Bishop: Yes.
"Oh, my Christ. We know that!" Sean exclaimed, clenching his teeth.
Ripley: Is it on the Sulaco or did it come with us on the EEV?
Bishop: It was with us all the way.
Sean growls in rage as the background turns red, a la Joker from Batman: Mask of the Phantasm.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Sean screamed out before he calmed down a bit. "We already know that. No need to go through that again."
Sean: (Narrating) Bishop tells Ripley that Weyland-Yutani know about everything that happened on the ship and they're on their way to get it. And just to rip our hearts out, Ripley disconnects Bishop because Lance Henrickson is needed on the set of Jennifer 8, until Andrews, Clemens, Dillon and Aaron arrive at the infirmary with a freaked-out Golic, who tells them that a dragon has killed Rains and Boggs. When Ripley hears about this, she tries to talk to Golic about it, but she ends up talking to Andrews about it.
Andrews: Tell me, Lieutenant, what would you suggest we do?
Ripley: Well, what kind of weapons have you got?
Andrews: This is a prison. It's not a good idea to allow prisoners access to firearms.
Ripley: What keeps them from killing you?
Andrews: Fear. There's no way to escape.
"Are you serious? What kind of maximum-security prison is there where you don't have any guns? You know you're all doomed." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And then, we come to the dumbest reason why they don't have any weapons and this is said by that bald asshole Andrews.
Andrews: We're on the honor system.
"You heard it here, folks. The dumbest line ever in an Alien movie. Are you fucking with me right now? An entire prison is on the honor system. If you're in prison, you can't be trusted with the honor system. THAT'S WHY YOU'RE IN PRISON! Is this how prisons in the future going to work? Just imagine if Oswald State Correctional Facility from Oz being on the honor system." Sean said.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We open with a sketch parodying the show Oz, where Sean plays warden Leo Glynn, and Brian playing Tobias Beecher, who gets some new instructions from Glynn about his new inmate Vernon Schillinger, played by Dave)
Sean: (as Leo Glynn) Now, Tobias. This is your cellmate Vernon Schillinger. He's the leader of the Aryan Brotherhood. Now, I want you to be nice to this man and don't kill him.
Brian: (as Tobias Beecher) Right.
(Leo tries to leave and gets closer to the camera. He walks back and turns around as he sees Tobias holding a bloody knife after stabbing Schillinger to death)
Sean: You killed Schillinger, didn't you?
Brian: Yeah.
(Another inmate, Chris Keller, played by Oliver, enters the scene)
Sean: This is your new cellmate Chris Keller. He's taking Schillinger's place. Now, for God's sake, do not have sexual relations with this man.
Brian: Hey, I'm a married man. Like I would have sexual relations with...
(Leo tries to leave again and gets closer to the camera before walking back and sees that Tobias and Chris had a relation. Both Tobias and Chris are seen wearing a bed sheet wrapped around them)
Sean: You had sexual relations with this man, did you?
Brian: Yeah.
Oliver: (as Chris Kelly) You bet your sweet bippy he did!
Sean: Well, don't do anything destructive while roaming around the prison.
Brian: Don't worry, Warden. I'm perfectly capable of...
(Glynn walks away, then turns around as he hears an explosion. He sees Beecher holding a detonator and a hole in the wall behind Beecher, which was destroyed by a bomb)
Sean: Goddamn it, Beecher! I told you not to do all of those things and you did!
Brian: Hey, the honor system in Oz sucks.
Sean: God, this prison sucks.
(We see Adam, playing Lionel Kelsch, enter the scene as he walks over to Glynn and stabs him)
Sean: (Screams in pain) Really? You stab me?! I can't believe that you did that. I was a Ghostbuster, damn it.
(Glynn falls to the floor dead)
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) Andrews orders Ripley to stay in the infirmary and talks to Clemens for a bit and he tells her about his sad life story where he was a doctor... and a drug addict... oh, and he kind of messed up a bit by killing a lot of people with painkillers.
Clemens: I got seven years and my license reduced to a 3-C. At least I got off the morphine.
"Well, that's good that you told her your lifestory. Now, I'm pretty sure that Ripley is going to warn you about the Xenomorph that's crawling around the ventilation system... eh, screw him." Sean said.
(Clemens is suddenly attacked by the Dragon, who grabs him by his head and lifts him up, much to Ripley's horror. The Dragon kills Clemens by piercing his skull with it's inner jaw)
"Oh, come on! You could at least give him a dignified death. Maybe have the Alien kill him while he's taking a shit." Sean said, referring to Tywin Lannister's death in Game of Thrones.
(The Alien advances on Ripley and we get a bad special effects shot of the Alien, which is a puppet that they superimposed in the scene)
"Oh, that's so bad. At least the Alien suit and the animatronic look much better than this one. Also, that's not CGI. I think that they're skimping on the visual effects. Yes, I know that they used blue screen to make the Alien look like it's moving animal-like. And this was done by the same guy who worked on the visual effects for Ghostbusters." Sean said.
(A picture of the visual effects artist Richard Edlund is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) The Alien doesn't attack Ripley as it poses for an iconic shot for the trailer and for the back of the VHS where it says: "The final chapter of the most terrifying saga in science fiction history!". Yeah, way to lie straight to our faces. Ripley goes to warn Andrews, but he doesn't believe her. Oh, well. At least this gives us a very satisfying death scene.
(The Dragon grabs Andrews and drags him up into an air duct, much to the prisoner's horror as blood rain down and his ball drops to the floor)
Morse: Fuck!
"Okay, that was pretty funny. That scene was worth it because Andrews was a total prick." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Well, I guess it's up to Ripley and the other inmates to fend for themselves. They want Dillon to take charge, but he's not the officer type, so he suggests Ripley.
Dillon: Hey, sister, what about you? You're an officer. How about showing us a little leadership.
"It's gonna take Fincher three years to get something done right. We need a real leader." Sean said as the poster for the movie Se7en is shown.
Ripley: We have no weapons. Is that correct?
Aaron: Right.
Ripley: I haven't seen one exactly like this before. Moves differently. But the others were afraid of fire. Not much else. Can we seal off this area?
Aaron: No chance. The installation's 10 miles square. There's 600 air ducts running to the surface.
Ripley: What about video? I see these closed-circuit monitors everywhere. We could try to find it out.
Aaron: The video system hasn't worked in years. Nothing much works here.
"What the hell kind of prison is this where you have a lot of technology and nothing works and there's no way to fix it? You guys suck!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) But Morse, played by Danny Webb, tells Ripley that they don't have everything here in this prison. Some of the little things that they don't have.
Morse: We ain't got no entertainment center, no climate control, no video system, no surveillance, no freezers, no fucking ice cream, no rubbers, no women, no guns. All we got here is shit!
"Do you guys have All Girl Massage porn?" Sean asked.
Brian: (V/O as Morse, offscreen) No, you wanker!
"Damn it!" Sean exclaimed as he slammed his fists down on the coffee table.
Sean: (Narrating) They have a plan to take the monster out by trapping it in the toxic waste disposal. And by doing that, they use some highly flammable liquid to douse the vents with it. So, you have people who don't believe in Ripley believing her now and helping her out?
Dillon: Why should we put our ass on the line for you?
"Why? The hell do you mean "why"? Because five minutes ago, your bald ass was suggesting something about leadership." Sean said.
(Cut to a time card that reads "Five Minutes Ago...")
Narrator: Five minutes ago...
Dillon: How about showing us a little leadership.
(Cut to a time card that reads "Five Minutes Later...")
Narrator: Five minutes later...
Dillon: Why should we put our ass on the line for you?
"Dude, your ass is already on the line. That alien has a craving for bald people and Ripley's your only chance to surviving this thing." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So they start pouring the toxic chemicals all over the vents to flush the Alien out. Also, when you try to reach for something in a horror movie, your ass is dead.
(After one of the prisoners, Frank, grabs his detonator after he almost drops it and climbs up the ladder until the Dragon seizes him and kills him. He ends up dropping the detonator as it falls in slow motion until it lands directly on the trigger into the quinitricetyline-soaked floor. It detonates upon impact and triggers a catastrophic chain reaction)
Aaron: (Yells) Wait for the fucking signal!
(Aaron sees the explosion happening and ducks down)
"Well, so much for that plan. You guys definitely failed miserably." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Suddenly, it turns into a Michael Bay movie when everything starts exploding all around them. Which kills a couple of bald guys. You have one bald guy getting blown up, a couple of bald guys caught on fire. Dead bald guys everywhere. Also, I would like to point out that this scene is slightly longer in the Assembly Cut and they manage to trap the Alien in the room. In here, you just see a bunch of baldies getting killed in the explosion. Anyway, during the aftermath, they try to come up with a new plan while Morse freaks out about it. But, there's something wrong Ripley as she heads to the Sulaco's escape pod to scan herself with Aaron's help, and we get a shocking revelation to what's wrong with Ripley.
(While scanning Ripley, Aaron discovers the embryo of a Xenomorph Queen growing inside her)
Ripley: What is it?
Aaron: (Stunned) I think you've got one inside of you.
Ripley: That's not possible. (Panting) What does it look like?
"It looks like a dildo with teeth. What do you think it looks like?" Sean asked, imitating Aaron.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, turns out that Ripley has an Alien baby inside her. And she goes to look for the Alien in the basement and she starts seeing things like mistaking a pipe for an alien.
Ripley: (To the Alien) You've been in my life so long, I can't remember anything else. Now do something for me. It's easy. Just... Just do what you do.
(Ripley stabs a pipe with another pipe. The pipe breaks as bugs fall out of the pipe. Ripley starts hallucinating and looks around for the Alien until it reveals itself)
Sean: (V/O as Dragon) Hey, baby! You wanna score?
Sean: (Narrating) The Alien doesn't harm Ripley. Oh, I didn't know because of that edit. The filmmakers care so little about what happens to Ripley. In fact, they don't show her running away from the damn thing. Oh, and I did neglect to mention Golic in the Assembly Cut, because we see more of him in that version and he gets fascinated by the Alien. That's all I have to say. Anyway, Ripley tells Dillon that she has an alien inside her and that she needs his help, by having him kill her.
Ripley: It has to die. So somebody's gotta kill me. Are you up to it?
Dillon: You don't have to worry about that.
"Seriously? Wouldn't it make sense for Ripley to help them defeat the Alien because she doesn't want others to be killed by it? Killing her off in the halfway mark would be pretty pointless. I bet this really pissed people off just to see Fortune from Rudy killing Lieutenant Tawny Madison from Galaxy Quest with a fucking axe! What an epic way to go!" Sean exclaimed.
Ripley: No speeches. No prayers.
(Dillon gets ready to kill Ripley with the axe as she holds the prison cell's bars and has her back turned to him. But Dillon deliberately misses her)
Ripley: What's going on?
Dillon: I don't like losing a fight.
"That was the most stupid fake-out that I have ever seen in my life." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, they agree to hunt down the creature together, with the help of the inmates and they come up with a plan to lure the Alien into the foundry's molding facilty and pour hot lead on it to kill it. But they need some bait to lure the beast. So who's the bait?
(The inmates realize that they're going to be bait for the Dragon)
Kevin (Played by Phil Davis): Oh, fuck!
"Well, the Alien needs to kill you. Plus, we won't remember every single one of you bald guys. Except for Pete Postlewhaite, who I recognize in every single movie that he's in." Sean said as a picture of Pete Postlewhaite as David is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) They use themselves as bait after Kevin, played by Phil Davis, comes across the Alien humping on a dead inmate and has it chasing him. Yeah, this is basically the climax of the film, which is everybody using themselves as bait for the Alien.
Jude (Played by Vincenzo Nicoli): Yoo-hoo! Hey, fuckface! Come and get me! Take your best shot!
(The Dragon chases Jude down the corridor)
Sean: (Narrating) Remember in Alien and how suspenseful it was knowing that you couldn't make out where you're at and all of a sudden, you end up getting jumpscared when the Alien pops up? Here, this is not suspenseful. Hell, this climax is basically a suspense-comedy. You have them yelling at the Alien...
Kevin: Come on! Come and get me, you fucker!
Sean: (Narrating) ...insulting it...
Jude: Yoo-hoo! Hey, fuckface!
Sean: (Narrating) ...a pretty silly line...
Kevin: This thing is really pissed off!
David (Played by Pete Postelwhaite): Here, here, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah. I couldn't take this climax seriously. I just laughed through the whole thing, especially with the Alien's bad CGI animation and the blatant stupidity of some of the inmates.
(Morse sees thar Jude is holding the pair of scissors by the handle)
Morse: What the fuck are you doing?'
Jude: What?
(Morse snatches the scissors from out of Jude's hand and has him hold it by the pointed end)
Morse: Hold it like this.
Jude: What the fuck...?
Morse: You'll fucking kill someone, you fucking moron! (Slaps Jude in the face)
Jude: Ow!
"Suddenly, these two guys think that they're Moe and Curly from the Three Stooges." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The Alien starts picking off inmates one by one until Ripley, Dillon and Morse are left standing and they finally lure the Alien in position. And now, it's time for the doomed person to sacrifice themselves to the creature. But then again, it's a horror film and the black guy has to die first. Okay, Dillon. You're next.
(The Dragon goes after Dillon and mauls him)
Dillon: (While being mauled by the Dragon) Pour it, Ripley! Go on! Goddamn it! Pour the lead, Ripley! Pour it now!
"Well, so much for the only black guy in this movie. Wait, scratch that. There was Boggs and also that dude Arthur Walkingstick, who ends up getting killed by Golic in the Assembly Cut. Well, so much for the only three black guys in this prison!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Dillon gets killed by the Alien and Morse pours molten lead on the Xenomorph, killing it.
(Morse laughs after the Dragon is killed)
Morse: I hate bugs!
(The Dragon jumps out after being covered in molten lead)
Sean: (V/O as Dragon) Surprise, motherfuckers! YOU CAN'T KILL ME! I'M THE DOG ALIEN, BITCHES! COME HERE, BALDY! YOU'RE MINE! YOU'RE...
(Ripley grabs onto a chain, activating the sprinklers)
Sean: (V/O as Dragon) Oh, shit.
(The Dragon is doused in water, causing it's exoskeleton to shatter from thermal shock and explodes)
Sean: (Narrating) The Alien is defeated and Ripley looks like she needs a vacation. But there is that little matter involving the eggheads from Weyland-Yutani showing up, which they did and Aaron leads them into the foundry and Ripley is met by the team's leader Michael Bishop, also played by Lance Henrickson, and yes, he's looks identical to the Bishop android that he designed. But don't worry, he's human
Bishop II (Also played by Lance Henrickson): We want to help.
Ripley: What does that mean?
Bishop II: We're gonna take that out of you.
Ripley: And keep it?
Bishop II: Can't allow it to live. Everything we know would be in jeopardy.
"Really? Yeah, I don't trust you. Hell, Weyland-Yutani is not very trustworthy. Just look at the last guy who worked for the company." Sean said, referring to Burke from Aliens.
Sean: (Narratring) Ripley doesn't trust Bishop and tell him "No". So, they just shoot Morse in the leg while he's controlling the rig. Then, they decide to be trigger happy some more as they shoot Aaron after he hits Bishop in the back of the head. And now, it's time for Ripley to rip off Terminator 2.
(Ripley closes her eyes and throws herself into the furnace just as the Xenomorph Queen erupts from her chest. As she dies, Ripley grabs the creature and holds it to her as it enters the fire)
Sean: (V/O as Xenomorph Queen) Mama? Mama! Wait, no! Mama! Don't kill me!
"Hell, Ripley's death scene in the Assembly Cut was much different. You have her pulling a Terminator 2 without the Xenomorph Queen poping up from out of her chest. Plus, we actually see her have her arms outstreched and as she falls, we see her hit the surface and briefly bursts into flames before she vanishes. Which was much better than the theatrical cut." Sean said.
(We see Morse, who is the sole survivor, being led away by the commandos and he laughs)
Commando: Come on, you. Get going.
Sean: (V/O as Morse) Ha-ha! No dildo monster for you!
Sean: (Narrating) And so, the movie ends with Ripley's final logbook from the Nostromo playing.
Ripley: (Recording) This is Ripley, last survivor of the Nostromo... signing off.
"Yeah, until the jokers decide to do Alien Resurrection. And I'm pretty sure that I signed off after this one." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) And that was Alien 3, and yeah you could see that this one was the worst. I mean, it's not Alien Resurrection-bad, but it's still not good. You could see why I didn't care for this one. You have characters from the last film getting killed, you have 1 alien involved instead of many, it takes away good ideas and it doesn't seem interesting. This movie shows what happens when a movie studio interferes too much. Again, you have the Assembly Cut that fixes some of the movie's problems, but it's still a messy film, whether it's the theatrical cut or the assembly cut. That's all I have to say about this film. What I do have to say is this... skip it. Alien 3 comes in at 2 bald guys out of 5.
"I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said before he leaves the room.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Must be the wind from one of the vent shafts.
And that is all for this review of The Mayhem Critic. I hope that you all enjoyed the Alien 3 review. So what did you think of the movie when you first saw it? Yeah, you could tell that this movie was a troubled mess to begin with. I mean, it's not as bad as Alien Resurrection, but it's still bad and it should've been done better. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, I've picked out two movies to review, but I don't know which one to choose. Here are the two movies that I've picked.
Predator 2: Sean reviews the 1990 sequel to the hit 1987 science fiction film and asks if this movie was underrated.
Masters of the Universe: Sean reviews the 198 live-action film that killed Cannon Films.
Which film should I review? Make sure you leave a review for the chapter, add this story to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Also, if you have any requests for a nostalgic movie or a nostalgic TV show for me to review or if you want to do a co-review with me, feel free to PM me if you're interested. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.