The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Well, it's time for part four of Halloween Havoc VI and it's time to return to one of the Mayhem Crtic's favorite franchises: SCREAM! Today, Sean the Mayhem Critic reviews the movie Scream 4 or "Scre4m", the sequel that was released eleven years after Scream 3. Did Wes Craven do justice in bringing back Ghostface, or will it be bad like Scream 3? Also, will Ghostface succeed in killing Sean? We'll find out today. So sit back, relax and enjoy the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights and references belong to their respective sources. Scream 4 is owned by Dimension Films.
Halloween Havoc VI Part IV: Scream 4
(The opening to Halloween Havoc VI is shown. This time, the opening consists of clips from Scream 4)
Sean Stack: (V/O) April 15th, 2011: Director Wes Craven and screenwriter Kevin Williamson came back with a vengeance with Scream 4, the long-awaited sequel that was released eleven years after the last film, that we thought was going to be a trilogy. Despite mixed reviews from critics, many fans call this a vast improvment over the last film and found it to be a fun romp that reminded them of the first film. Even down to be followed by an anthology series four years later by MTV. (The MTV logo is shown) Really? MTV? I miss watching music videos on MTV. Don't you? Whether fans like this or not, some were disappointed by the lack of scares and relying on cliches. Is this a grand return of Ghostface or instead of saying "Fuck Bruce Willis" we should say "Fuck Ghostface"?
(Cut to Sean Stack, who is now seen standing in the middle of Newport on the Levee)
"One thing's for sure, there's going to be a lot of meta moments in this film to keep track of. I'm Sean Stack and this is Halloween Havoc." Sean said.
(This time, the words that slide down the purple bars are follows: "Mayhem Critic", "Stab Movies", "Wes Craven", "No Mickey Altieri", "Remakes", "Celebrity Cameos", "Ghostface", "Cougar Town Courteney Cox", "Woodsboro Murders" and "Halloween Havoc". The "reviewed" clips includes those from the reviews of Scream 1-3. After the intro ends, we open with our favorite residential movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting on his couch in his living room as he prepares to talk about today's feature)
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said. "Let's talk about remakes."
(Cut to a montage of posters for different horror films like Friday the 13th, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Amityville Horror, Prom Night, Dawn of the Dead and Rob Zombie's Halloween are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) What is it with Hollywood remaking old horror movies. Once in a while, you have a good remake. But then, you have a really shitty remake. Yeah, there was a trend where Hollywood is either remaking or rebooting a horror franchise. (Posters for the Halloween 2018 and The Exorcist: Believer are shown)
"But then, you have this one movie where it satirizes reboots and remakes at the same time. And that movie is..." Sean said, but is interrupted when his phone starts ringing. He sighed for a moment before he picks up the phone to answer it. "Hello?"
"Hello, Sean." Ghostface said on the other line.
"Let me guess, you want me to review Scream 4, right?" Sean asked.
"That's right. And don't you dare review something else. You had this review sitting on the backburner and now it's finally time to come back to it. Just like your fanfics." Ghostface said before he ends the call.
"Boy, this review has been on the backburner for quite some time. Scream 4, ladies and gentlemen." Sean said.
(The title screen for "Scream 4" is shown, followed by clips from the movie while the song "Bad Karma" by Ida Maria plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Just when you thought Scream 3 was the last film in the franchise with Sidney, Gale and Dewey living happily ever after and Sidney's life getting back to normal. Well, looks like director Wes Craven and screenwriter Kevin Williamson teamed up once more as they give their take on remakes after Hollywood decide to remake two of Craven's films (Posters for The Hills Have Eyes and A Nightmare on Elm Street are shown). When I saw the trailer for the movie, I was baffled that they're making another Scream movie after the third one. Well, it turns out that both Craven and Williamson are coming back for a new trilogy and they had plans for Scream 4, 5 and 6. But sadly, that didn't end up happening because Scream 4 was the lowest grossing film in the franchise. Hell, I would love to see what Kevin Williamson would've don with the original trilogy. Oh well, at least we got these two (Posters for Scream 2022 and Scream VI are shown) and they're pretty damn good.
"Is this one better than Scream 3? Well, let's dive right in. This is Scream 4." Sean said.
(The movie opens as we see a girl named Sherrie, played by Lucy Hale a.k.a. Aria from Pretty Little Liars, answering the phone)
Sean: (Narrating) The film opens with the phone ringing as we see Sherrie, played by Lucy Hale, answering the phone, but is not phased by the voice.
Sherrie (Played by Lucy Hale): Hello?
The Voice (Voiced by Roger L. Jackson): (On phone) Hello.
Sherrie: Uh, yes?
The Voice: Who is this?
Sherrie: Who are you calling?
The Voice: Who am I speaking to?
Sherrie: Wrong number. (Ends the call)
"Don't worry, A is her biggest problem now." Sean said, referencing Pretty Little Liars.
Sean: (Narrating) Sherrie's best friend Trudie, played by Shenae Grimes-Beech, is more concerned about her stalker on Facebook.
Trudie (Played by Shenae Grimes-Beech, credited as Shenae Grimes): I have a Facebook stalker. He keeps leaving me messages
Sherrie: Yeah, like what?
Trudie: Just stuff. Like, "Hey, what's up? You're hot. I wanna kill you."
Sherrie: So delete him.
Trudie: I did, but he hacked his way back in.
Sherrie: So report him.
Trudie: He's really hot, though. You wanna see?
(Trudie shows Sherrie a picture of her stalker's abs)
Sherrie: That's Channing Tatum
Trudie: It is not. Is it?
Sherrie: Yeah, from his Abercrombie days. You are being punked.
"Stalking, sending threatening texts and catfishing? That bastard! He should be shot!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) The Voice, voiced by Roger L. Jackson, calls again and threatens Sherrie and Trudie's lives. After they hang up on him, the phone rings again and Trudie gets a Facebook message from him to tell her to answer the phone.
(Sherrie and Trudie walk over to the front door)
Sherrie: Where are you going?
Trudie: To make sure the front door is locked.
(The doorbell rings as both girls scream)
Sean: (V/O as Long Duk Dong) Ohhhhh, sexy girlfriend!
(Sherrie goes over to open the door, but Trudie stops her)
Trudie: No. Don't open it.
Sherrie: You're overreacting.
"Uh, before you unlock the door, shouldn't you have a weapon available?" Sean asked. "Who the hell am I kidding? These two dumb bitches are more likely go out out in the dark to investigate the strange noise while not wearing anything but a towel wrapped around them."
Sherrie: It's a joke, Trudie, OK? Somebody's made a dummy profile. They're just trying to scare you.
Trudie: Wait. Who is it?
(No answer)
Trudie: I said, who is it? Let's call the cops. (Her phone starts vibrating and she reads the text) "I dare you to open the door." (As Sherrie gets ready to unlock the door and open it) No, Sherrie. Don't. No, don't, I'm scared.
"I was Darcy Edwards on Degrassi: The Next Generation. I do not want to die like this." Sean said, imitating Trudie.
Sean: (Narrating) Sherrie opens the door, only to reveal that no one is outside, but the stalker has other tricks up his sleeve.
(Trudie's phone starts vibrating and she checks her messages)
Sherrie: What does it say?
Trudie: It says, "I'm not outside. I'm right beside you."
(Ghostface appears and stabs Trudie in the chest. Sherrie screams)
Sherrie: Trudie! Trudie! Oh, my God!
(Sherrie tries to run, but then another killer slits her throat, killing her)
"Holy shit! Two killers! And they're making Ghostface the Facebook Killer by finding them on Facebook and kills them. Man, this is getting pretty interesting. I would love to see how they would go with this." Sean said.
(The title screen for "Stab 6" is shown and we see that it's being watched by two girls: Rachel, played by Anna Paquin, and Chloe played by Kristin Bell)
Rachel (Played by Anna Paquin): You're fucking kidding me.
Chloe (Played by Kristin Bell): What?
"Or it's a movie inside a movie. Okay, so that's the real opening of this movie." Sean said. "Also, before I forget."
Meta Moment Counter: 1
"I'm bringing the Meta Moment Counter back with a vengeance, baby!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, so Stab 6 is actually being watched by these two blondes. Rachel, played by Anna Paquin, and her friend Chloe played by Kristen Bell as the two of them act like the hot female versions of Siskel and Ebert.
Rachel: That was so fucking stupid. Pure horseshit. The death of horror, right here in front of us.
Chloe: I jumped. It scared me.
Rachel: A fucking Facebook killer? You're kidding me, right?
Chloe: I guess now it would be Twitter. That'd make more sense.
"Hell, it would make more sense if there was a TikTok killer in the movie." Sean said.
Chloe: I like the Stab movies. They're scarier. It's not aliens or zombies or little Asian ghost girls. There's something real about a guy with a knife who just...
(Rachel opens a can of soda)
Chloe: ...snaps. It could really happen.
Rachel: I can't do it. These sequels don't know when to stop. They just keep recycling the same shit. Even the opening scene. There's always some random girl who gets a call that undoubtedly ends up getting her killed. It's so predictable, there's no element of surprise. You can see everything come.
(Chloe stabs Rachel in the stomach, Rachel screams)
"Jesus!" Sean exclaimed as he recoiled back in surprise.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, we see that Chloe is the killer and she ends up killing Rachel for talking too much. Thank you. Either that or she's been complaining about that Chips movie that her husband Dax Shepard directed. But yeah, way to reveal the killer way early in the film.
Chloe: Now, shut the fuck up and watch the movie.
(Chloe kills Rachel and she turns the television back on. Then, we cut to the title screen for "Stab 7", where we see it is being watched by two teenage girls: Jenny Randall played by Aimee Teegarden, and her friend Marnie Cooper, played by Britt Robertson)
Jenny Randall (Played by Aimee Teegarden): Oh, my God, I love it. I've seen it five times and it still gets me every time.
Marnie Cooper (Played by Britt Robertson): You're kidding. I don't get it.
"Oh, okay. So it's an opening inside of a movie which is an opening inside of a movie." Sean said.
Meta Moment Counter: 2
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, so we see that two high schoolers Jenny Randall, played by Aimee Teegarden, and Marnie Cooper, played by Britt Robertson, are watching Stab 7. But when Marnie doesn't get the series, Jenny explains it to her.
Jenny Randall: OK... It's like The Twilight Zone.
Marnie Cooper: Twilight Zone?
Jenny Randall: A movie within a movie.
Marnie Cooper: I get that. But it's illogical. It begs the question that if the beginning of Stab 7 is Stab 6, then is the beginning of Stab 6 Stab 5? And, if so, what is Stab 4 about?
Jenny Randall: You're over-thinking it.
Marnie Cooper: Am I? Or did whoever make it just under-think it? There's a reason I don't watch these movies.
"Hey, at least that person who made them is making a shit-ton of money." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jenny explains to Marnie that the first three Stab movies were based off of Sidney Prescott, but she threatened to sue the people who made the movies if they used her story. So for the sequels, they came up with some crazy, weird stuff.
Jenny Randall: Stab 5 has time travel, which is by far the worst.
"Well, let's not forget about the Stab television series where Ghostface looks like the Phantasm and he's killing people.
Sean: (Narrating) Jenny hears a noise coming from upstairs, so she goes to check it out. This doesn't bode well with Marnie as she thinks that Jenny is trying to scare her.
Marnie Cooper: Where are you going?
Jenny Randall: (Heads upstairs) I told you, I heard something.
Marnie Cooper: I know you're trying to scare me.
Jenny Randall: I'm not.
Marnie Cooper: What is it?
(Jenny turns the light on in her room)
Jenny Randall: I must have left a window in room open.
"What? Are you going to blame it on the wind?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) The phone rings as Marnie goes to answer it, only for her to get threatened by Ghostface. But it actually turned out to be Jenny pranking her.
Marnie Cooper: You bitch. So not funny.
Jenny Randall: Somebody falls for it every year.
Marnie Cooper: I don't see why you get off on this...
(Marnie starts gagging)
Jenny Randall: Marnie?
(The phone line goes dead and Jenny hears a crashing noise)
Jenny Randall: Marnie? (Walks down the hall) Marnie?
(Jenny walks down the stairs and sees the phone lying on the floor)
Jenny Randall: Good one, Marnie. Lights out. Phone on the floor. You know, you really should direct horror films. Wherever you are. Let me guess. You want me to walk by an open doorframe so you can pop out, huh?
"No, why don't you step out of the house so the killer can pop out and kill you, blondie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jenny fears for her life as Ghostface calls her. But she thinks that this is a prank, so to prove his point, he throws Marnie's dead body through the window and chases after Jenny.
(Jenny hides from Ghostface. Ghostface runs upstairs to look for Jenny)
Sean: (V/O as Ghostface) Damn, I lost her. Am I so out of touch.
(Jenny is hiding in the renovated garage as she turns on the light. She puts her head up against the door and Ghostface opens it)
Sean: (V/O as Ghostface) Surprise, bitch!
Sean: (Narrating) Ghostface stabs Jenny in the back and she tries to crawl out of the garage, giving him ample time to finish her off.
(Jenny screams as Ghostface stabs her. Then, we cut to the title screen as we see "Scream 4" stylized as "Scre4m")
"Oh, thank God! I thought this was going to be another fake-out and this was the opening to Stab 8. And Decker Shado already made that joke when he reviewed that movie. Damn it." Sean said as his phone rings once more and he answers it.
"Looks like Decker Shado beat you to the punch with that joke. Aww, too bad." Ghostface said.
"Oh, blow it out your ass." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We open in the town of Woodsboro, where we see Sidney Prescott, played by Neve Campbell, returning to her hometown as a last stop on her self-help book tour with her publicist Rebecca Walters, played by Alison Brie.
Rebecca Walters (Played by Alison Brie): What do you think?
Sidney Prescott: Well, I guess today is the anniversary. Kids.
Rebecca Walters: No, I meant the display.
Sidney Prescott: Oh.
"I knew what you were talking about. I was just looking at the Ghostface masks hanging around town. I'm pretty sure there's one or two missing." Sean said, imitating Sidney.
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to the Riley residence, where we are once again introduced to Dewey Riley, played by David Arquette and his wife Gale, played by Courteney Cox.
(Kirby's car is speeding past Dewey)
Dewey Riley (Played by David Arquette): Ho! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Twenty-five, stay alive!
Kirby Reed (Played by Hayden Panettiere): Shit! Sorry, Sheriff!
Dewey Riley: (Puts his hat on) Kirby.
"I knew that little pink puffball was trouble when he came into town. He started sucking everything up." Sean said as a picture of the Nintendo character Kirby is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) And now it's time to be introduced to some new blood in this film as we're introduced to Kirby Reed, played by Hayden Panettiere, who is on her way to pick up her friend Jill Roberts, played by Emma Roberts, and their friend Olivia Morris, played by Marielle Jaffe. Jill happens to be Sidney's cousin and she's having trouble dealing with her ex-boyfriend Trevor.
Olivia Morris (Played by Marielle Jaffe): OK, so Trevor called me last night.
Jill Roberts (Played by Emma Roberts): He called you too?
Olivia Morris: He's worried your cousin coming to Woodsboro is distracting you from knowing how sorry he really is.
Jill Roberts: Well, that's inventive.
Kirby Reed: Oh, God.
"Well, his chances of patching things up with you won't be good, babe." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Jill's not ecstatic about her cousin in town for her last stop of her book tour because people keep dying around her and that she's known as "the angel of death", but then Jenny Randall calls her, but instead someone else and something is amiss.
Jill Roberts: I said, who is this?
Ghostface: (On phone) I asked you a question. What's your favorite scary movie?
"Well, now that you asked, mine's The Return of the Living Dead. That movie is fucking awesome." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jill ends the call and Olivia mentions that she's got a similar call from Marnie. But enough about them, we have another new character to introduce as Dewey meets up with his new deputy Judy Hicks, played by Marley Shelton, who's a little too friendly with Dewey.
Deputy Judy Hicks (Played by Marley Shelton): Sorry you can never get away from this. You know, I wish I'd been old enough to be a part of the force when you were solving those crimes. It's those intense investigations that really bond relationships.
Dewey Riley: Well, yeah.
Deputy Judy Hicks: How is Gale, by the way?
Dewey Riley: Gale's good, she's writing. Fiction.
Deputy Judy Hicks: Hey, I made some lemon squares. They're in my car.
Dewey Riley: Thanks, Deputy, but no thanks.
Deputy Judy Hicks: Sheriff, you're not cheating on your wife if you eat my lemon square.
Dewey Riley: Yeah, but I would be cheating on my diet.
"Don't worry, your wife will never know. It'll be our little secret." Sean said, imitating Judy.
Sean: (Narrating) But their playful banter is interrupted when Dewey gets a call about Jenny and Marnie's murders. Back with Gale, we see that she's watching Nancy Grace interviewing Sidney about her book, then she starts writing until she gets a sudden case of writer's block.
Gale Weathers-Riley (Played by Courteney Cox): (Typing) "I have no fucking idea what to write."
"Eh, don't worry, Gale. Writer's blocks happens to most people who come up with ideas." Sean said.
"Yeah, you should know. You're one of them." Ghostface said while laughing.
"Shut up!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to Woodsboro High, where we're introduced to some more new characters like Robbie Mercer, played by Erik Knudsen, who's the Vice President of the Cinema Club and this character is a reference of Randy and Kenny from the original.
Robbie Mercer (Played by Erik Knudsen): Oh! This is Hall Pass with Robbie Mercer, here with the luscious Olivia "Don't look at my tits, I have a mind" Morris. Here is my Woodsboro Massacre anniversary question: What is your favorite scary movie?
Olivia Morris: Is that all you got? Some stupid douche question?
Jill Roberts: Yeah, where'd you hear that anyways?
Robbie Mercer: It's a line from Stab 1, duh.
"Well, it's a line from the first Scream movie. Where were you living under a rock?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) We're also introduced to Robbie's best friend Charlie Walker, played by Rory Culkin.
"And if you don't know who Rory Culkin is, he is the youngest brother of Macaulay Culkin and Kieran Culkin. You couldn't get any one of these guys, Wes?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Charlie is the president of the Cinema Club and he also has a thing for Kirby, yet she doesn't even notice him.
Robbie Mercer: Completely unaware you exist.
Charlie Walker: No, man, she wants me. Yeah, I wish, right? Asshole?
Sean: (Narrating) And speaking of boy trouble, we're introduced to Jill's ex-boyfriend Trevor Sheldon, played by Nico Tortorella, who wants to try to patch things up with Jill, but she refuses to talk to him because she's still pissed at him.
"I mean, come on. He wants to get back with you and work things out. Most couples do. I'm sure you two are meant to be together. It's not like he did something wrong. He's a nice guy, don't be a bitch towards him." Sean said.
Jill Roberts: (To Trevor) When you're done with a phone call, you let someone go. Or when you take someone to the airport, you let them go. When you tell someon you love her, and she gives you everything, and then you just go out with someone else, that is not letting her go. That's dumping her. OK? That's... That's betrayal.
"So, he cheated on you. You, sir. You should be ashamed of yourself. And in the words of the guy who screamed at Darrell Brooks in court, "Burn in Hell, you piece of shit!" And while you're in Hell, I hope they stick a red hot poker up your ass and flay you in the worst possible way and make your skin as a carpet." Sean said.
(Robbie laughs at Trevor)
Robbie Mercer: (Laughing) Trevor Sheldon, denied, live on Hall Pass with Robbie Mercer. What is your favorite scary movie, man?
Trevor Sheldon (Played by Nico Tortorella): I'll show you. (Roars)
(Robbie jumps back in fear and runs away)
"Wow, the jump scares in this movie are not that scary. I would expect something that scary to scare me." Sean said.
Suddenly, someone pops out from behind the couch wearing a killer clown mask on their face and started screaming.
"HOLY HELL!" Sean screamed out as he falls to the floor.
The person starts laughing and removes their mask, revealing it to be Taylor.
"Works every time." Taylor said before she leaves the room.
Sean: (Narrating) Gale heads down to the bookstore where Sidney is doing her book signing and the two of them reunite, but then Dewey shows up and the reunion is cut short.
Dewey Riley: I need you all to stay where you are and remain silent.
Deputy Judy Hicks: Nobody leaves yet. The sheriff thanks you.
Rebecca Walters: Can this wait, Barney Fife? I'm running an event here.
Dewey Riley: Ma'am, this is a police event now.
Gale Weathers-Riley: What's going on?
Deputy Judy Hicks: Gale, this is police business. If you could just let us handle this...
Gale Weathers-Riley: I'm talking to my husband, Deputy Judy.
"Yeah, besides she's married to him." Sean said.
"Dude, the two of them got separated in back in 2010." Ghostface said.
"Nevermind. Boy, isn't that awkward to work with your ex-wife on the same movie." Sean said.
"Hey, it worked out for Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger when they did The Getaway 30 years ago." Ghostface said.
"Really? You're compairing these two to Courteney Cox and David Arquette?" Sean asked.
"Well, yeah." Ghostface said.
"Let's move on." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Dewey tells Gale that there's phone that's been taken from the scene of a crime and Hicks traced it's location back to the bookstore. He dials the number and the phone starts ringing from outside, leading it back to Sidney's rental car. He opens the trunk of the car only to find a bloody knife, the cell phone and pictures of Sidney smeared in the girls' blood and copies of her book. Also, a mask!
Dewey Riley: OK, it's now an official crime scene. Let's lock it down. Get that camera out of here! Everybody back.
Deputy Perkins (Played by Anthony Anderson): Give me that camera!
Sidney Prescott: Please tell me this is a prank, Dewey.
"Because if it is, then you're paying for the rental car. Now, how will I explain about the blood on the upholstery?" Sean asked, imitating Sidney.
Sean: (Narrating) Back at Woodsboro High, every student in the school's phones start going off with and they learn that Jenny and Marnie have been murdered.
Robbie Mercer: What's your favorite scary movie?
Olivia Morris: Shut up!
"Wow, bad timing, dude." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, it's a bad time for Sidney to be in Woodsboro, where you have every single reporter talking about it. Also, there's some hostility between Gale and Judy when female Barney Fife keeps Gale from talking to Dewey.
Deputy Judy Hicks: Sorry. I can't let you in there.
Gale Weathers-Riley: (Scoffs) What are you gonna do, arrest me, Deputy Judy?
Deputy Judy Hicks: If it comes to it. Civilian inteference with a police investigation poses many a problem with a court of law.
Gale Weathers-Riley: OK, listen to me, Judy. I don't mind that you're working with my husband, or that you even bake him those little treats as you do. But if you're gonna start acting like him, you gotta put a moustache on, because you sound ridiculous.
"Plus, you gotta get stabbed... twice." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Dewey breaks up this little catfight between Gale and Judy and she tells him that news of the murder is all over the Internet and every one knows it before her and she's not too happy about it. But Dewey informs her that she's not a reporter anymore and that she should stay out of it. Gale decides to go on her own to do her little investigation and she throws in one little comeback at Deputy Judy.
Gale Weathers-Riley: (To Deputy Judy) Your lemon squares taste like ass.
(A clip from Supa Hot Fire's The Rap Battle Parody is shown, where we see the guys screaming out "OHHHHHH!" after Supa Hot Fire roasts B-Bone)
Sean: (Narrating) Dewey learns that Jill and Olivia also got threatening calls from the killer and when Sidney reunites with her cousin, she learns about this as well. Sidney shouldn't be in Woodsboro, but she's stuck here because...
(A clip from Scream is shown)
Randy Meeks (Played by Jamie Kennedy): Everybody's a suspect!
Sean: (Narrating) And let's not forget about the evidence in the back of Sidney's car, connecting the killer to her and she may be a material witness. Which means, she's staying in Woodsboro and that she'll have 24-hour police surveilance. Meanwhile, Rebecca calls up a friend about what's going on and when she sees Gale, she starts going crazy fangirl... I mean Hyper Fangirl about it and she becomes pretty annoying.
Rebecca Walters: So, anyway, kudos on being brave enough to drop off the professional map. Any plans on revitalizing your tarnished brand?
Gale Weathers-Riley: Listen, in about two seconds, I'm gonna reviatlie your face with my tarnished brand.
Rebecca Walters: (Backs away) Ooh.
Gale Weathers-Riley: (Walks off) I still got it.
Rebecca Walters: Testy.
"This movie goes to show that Gale is still the snarky reporter." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Later that night, we see that Sidney is staying with Jill and her mother, her aunt Kate, played by Mary McDonnell, and they talk about scars.
Kate Roberts (Played by Mary McDonnell): Her mom was my sister. I have scars, too. No one ever asks me about my scars.
Kirby Reed: I'm sorry, Mrs. Roberts.
Jill Roberts: She means knife scars, Mom.
Kate Roberts: Oh, well. Fine.
"I'm guessing she's not concerned about the police surveilance and the murders and what's going on. She's just like, "Oh, whatever. I bought all this Chinese take-out home with me. We can't let that go to waste. Plus, a new Rizzoli & Isles is coming on in a couple of minutes. So, can we move this along?"." Sean said, after imitating Jill's mother.
Sean: (Narrating) Sidney and Dewey take some time to talk when Dewey tells her about whats going on in his life and Gale'. Plus, things have been hard on Gale since she's not a reporter anymore and living in a small town. Also, Sidney is well-protected. And no killer is going to strike. Until Trevor shows up in Jill's bedroom unxexpectedly just to talk to her.
Jill Roberts: What the hell are you doing here? There are cops right out front!
Trevor Sheldon: No match for the ninja, baby.
"Or really? Who was your master, Vanilla Ice? Did he teach you the masterful art of the Ninja Rap?" Sean asked.
Trevor Sheldon: Anyway, what are you doing in the house with Sidney Prescott? I mean, that' like being on Top Chef with Jeffrey Dahmer.
Jill Roberts: Can you please get away from the window? You have no right to be in here. Not anymore.
Trevor Sheldon: Hang on. I heard you got a phone call from the killer. Is that true?
"Which brings us to the mystery aspect of the film." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) People want to know who is the new killer. I know in the first three films, you got a clever reveal to who the killer is and their motives. And sometimes, you have a reveal that's just dumb. Here, they're doing the mystery pretty well. Everyone's a suspect. You're probably thinking it's Jill's ex-boyfriend Trevor or Deputy Hicks or Rebecca. You're wondering who's trying to torment Sidney once again. Hell, I'm thinking that the killer is Trevor when I first saw this movie. I mean, come on. He has suspenseful music playing when he appears. Let's not forget about this line that he says to Jill.
Trevor Sheldon: Don't you think you'd be a lot safer with me around?
"Yeah, I don't trust you, buddy. When a guy says to a woman that they'll be safer when he's around, that's a total red flag there." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Sidney checks up on Jill and Trevor leaves. Then, Deputy Hicks shows up to check on Sidney before she leaves. Again, love the mystery aspect of the movie.
Deputy Judy Hicks: You don't remember me, do you?
Sidney Prescott: Sorry?
Deputy Judy Hicks: We went to high school together. Judy Hicks. We had the same homeroom. And drama club, too. We were in Peter Pan together. I played a Lost Boy.
"Oh, I forgot. I didn't know that you played Kiefer Sutherland's character in the play. I was Jami Gertz's character Star." Sean said, imitating Sidney.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, turns out that Deputy Judy went to high school with Sidney and Sidney doesn't remember her with what's been going on with her back then. Yeah, the way she was acting, you probably think that she's the killer. Meanwhile, Deputy Anthony Perkins, played by Anthony Anderson. Also, love the reference to the actor Anthony Perkins.
Meta Moment Counter: 3
Sean: (Narrating) And his partner Deputy Ross Hoss, played by Adam Brody, are keeping watch outside, while Jill and Kirby are watching Shaun of the Dead. Love their taste in films. Then, Olivia calls up Kirby to check up on them before she heads in her house since she lives next door to Jill. And Jill decides to screw around with Olivia for a bit, that is until Trevor calls and Kirby answers it for her.
Kirby Reed: What do you want?
Ghostface: (On the phone) I wanna talk to Jill. Uh, no, it's Kirby. Sorry, Trevor. Jill is screening her calls from all past relationships.
Jill Roberts: What is he saying?
Sean: (V/O as The Phantasm) Your angel of death awaits.
Kirby Reed: What? I can barely hear you, Trevor.
Sean: (V/O as The Phantasm) I said, your angel of death awaits.
Kirby Reed: Oh, all right. Well, then why do you have his phone, whoever this is? (To Jill) He's trying to do Ghostface.
Jill Roberts: (To Olivia) He's being weird.
"Yeah, I think you should hang up the phone." Sean said.
Ghostface: How's the movie?
Kirby Reed: What movie?
Ghostface: Shaun of the Dead.
(Kirby turns to the television and sees the movie)
Kirby Reed: How did you know that?
Ghostface: Because I'm standing in the closet.
Kirby Reed: Stop. You are not.
Jill Roberts: What's going on?
Kirby Reed: Trevor's being weird. I mean, if it is him. I don't know.
Olivia Morris: What?
Ghostface: This is not fucking Trevor!
Kirby Reed: Well, then who the fuck are you?
Ghostface: Open the closet door.
Kirby Reed: You do know there are cops all over this house?
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure Woodsboro's finest would deal with this clown. Or he'll just slice them open." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Kirby opens the closet and the killer is not in Jill's closet, which means that Ghostface is next door and kills Olivia. They see this happening and Sidney runs outside to call for Hoss and Perkins, but they're not there. So, she runs over to Olivia's house to save her, but unfortunately...
(Sidney heads into Olivia's room, only to find Olivia's corpse, laid out on the bed with her intestines in a pile beside her)
"Ewww, gotta love the impressive gore effects for this movie." Sean said.
(Olivia's phone starts ringing and Sidney answers it)
Sidney Prescott: What?
Ghostface: (On the phone) Welcome home, Sidney. Preview of coming events.
Sidney Prescott: Why don't you come for me? You got the balls for that?
Ghostface: Oh, poor Sidney. You think this is all about you. You think you're still the star.
Sidney Prescott: This isn't a fucking movie!
Ghostface: It will be.
Sidney Prescott: These are innocent people.
Ghostface: Spare me the lecture.
"I heard enough of that shit in the past three movies. You think I'm gonna hear that from you again?" Sean said, imitating Ghostface.
Sean: (Narrating) Jill shows up at Olivia's to check on Sidney, but Sidney keeps her from entering Olivia's room to see the gory sight. But then Ghostface appears and cuts Jill on her arm and Sidney and Ghostface end up duking it out.
(Sidney hits Ghostface with a framed picture. He knocks Sidney down and tries to stab her, but Sidney grabs his wrist to keep him from stabbing her until they both fall down the stairs. Sidney kicks Ghostface in the groin)
Sean: (V/O as Ghostface) Ow! You kicked me right in my ba...
(Sidney knocks Ghostface with a kick to the face)
Sean: (Narrating) Perkins and Hoss arrives. Yeah, you two are tardy to the party. But then Ghostface vanishes like a Ninja. Kirby and Trevor arrive to check on Jill while Sidney heads outside while the townspeople bad mouth her.
Woman #3: It's all your fault, Sidney. You're just like your mother
Deputy Hoss (Played by Adam Brody): You folks go home. Come on. Get out of the street, please.
Jill Roberts: I'm sorry about what I said. Do you wanna get that looked at?
Sidney Prescott: Yeah.
"Don't worry, I'm sure she forgives you about that Angel of Death crack that you made about her." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to the hospital as Robbie is busy webcasting his show, which gives Gale the opportunity to get back into the journalism game.
Gale Weathers-Riley: So you two are the boys that run the movie club at Woodsboro High, huh?
Robbie Mercer: Oh, Charlie runs it. I'm just VP, in case he takes a bullet.
Charlie Walker: It's called Cinema Club.
Gale Weathers-Riley: So you must have a very unique insight into the movie buffs at your school.
Charlie Walker: Maybe.
Gale Weathers-Riley: What if we could catch the killer by working together? Two generations of cutting-edge journalists intertwining our passions for media? What would you say?
Robbie Mercer: I love you.
"Damn. Even Robbie wants to tap that hot MILF booty. I know I would too because Courteney Cox is lookin' very sexy." Sean said.
"Really, Sean? You're attracted to a woman who's in her 50s?" Ghostface asked.
"Oh, shut up." Sean said. "You would too."
"Yeah, you're right." Ghostface said.
Sean: (Narrating) Gale makes a deal with Robbie and Charlie if they give her an insight on the killings if they get her and Sidney at their school's Cinema Club as special guests. With Sidney, Rebecca tries to take advantage of the whole situation, but Sidney is getting fed up with her prissiness.
Sidney Prescott: Did you read my book?
Rebecca Walters: Thought I'd wait for the movie.
Sidney Prescott: Book tour's over.
Rebecca Walters: Sidney. Accept your situation. You're a victim. For life. So embrace it, use it. I know you care about your readers. All those little downtrodden fucks that need a light at the end of their tunnel so they don't jump off a bridge. And a lucky break like this? I'm talking 100 percent increase in sales, minimum. That's maybe a million more people get your message, and you get a ton more checks. Win-win.
"Wow, what a bitch. You know, I hope that Sidney punches her in the face." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But instead a punch in the face, Sidney fires her ass. But hey, this is a movie, so she heads to the parking garage and Ghostface calls her up. She flees in terror as she heads to her car, but it won't start. Well, this is a smart horror movie, I'm pretty sure there's a reason for that.
(Ghostface appears on the hood of Rebecca's car. Rebecca screams and Ghostface flaunts the destroyed electrical wires of the car)
Rebecca Walters: Help! Help! Help me!
"Yeah, scream for help. Nobody is going to hear you." Sean said.
(Rebecca sees that Ghostface has vanished. She looks around for the killer)
Rebecca Walters: Cut and run, you fucking bastard!
(Rebecca exits the car and looks underneath. The alarm blares and she screams)
Sean: (Narrating) Rebecca makes a run for the stairway, but she ends up breaking the doorknob like she's She-Hulk, but then Ghostface pops up and stabs the bitch. And he goes a little overboard on her death.
(During Dewey's press conference, Ghostface throws Rebecca off the parking lot. She screams to her death and she lands on a news van)
"Ghostface just throws her off the parking lot like Agent 47 in Hitman." Sean said.
Gale Weathers-Riley: It's all under control, huh, Sheriff?
Dewey Riley: What am I supposed to say?
"You want me to say that we're the dumbest cops in the town?" Sean asked, imitating Dewey.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Sidney and Gale are at the school's Cinema Club as Robbie and Charlie give us a rundown on new rules. The rules have changed and we're talking movie remakes here.
Charlie Walker: Well, if you wanna be the new-new version. The killer should be filming the murders.
Meta Moment Counter: 4
Robbie Mercer: Yeah, it's the natural next step in a psycho slasher innovation. I mean, you film them all real time, and then before you get caught, you upload them into cyberspace.
Charlie Walker: Making your art as immortal as you.
"Also, we're talking movie remakes here, so add that to the Meta Moment Counter." Sean said.
Meta Moment Counter: 5
Charlie Walker: The unexpected is the new cliche.
Robbie Mercer: Yeah, you gotta have an opening sequence that blows the doors off, dial up some flashy music-video direction, and the kills gotta be way more extreme.
Meta Moment Counter: 6, 7 and 8
Charlie Walker: Modern audiences get savvy to the rules of the originals, so the reversals become the new standard. In fact, the only surefire way to survive a modern horror movie? You pretty much have to be gay.
Meta Moment Counter: 9
"Wanna explain that to the Hellraiser remake?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, no one is safe. Also, they are certain that this is the killer's motive as well. So far, the scenes match up with the original Stab movie. You have two kids killed in a house in the opening and then you have the hot girl as well. So, the next big scene is at a party where the killer would strike next and since the third act is a party, there's definitely going to be a massive bloodbath, and probably some nudity.
Gale Weathers-Riley: OK, so do you know of a party that's happening tonight?
Charlie Walker: Well, there's Stab-a-Thon.
Sidney Prescott: Stab-a-Thon?
Charlie Walker: It's a movie marathon. All seven Stabs back-to-back. We do it every year.
"Ooh, seven stabs back-to-back. That seems pretty painful." Sean said.
"They were talking about the movie, you stupid shit!" Ghostface shouted.
"Hey, don't yell at me, you clumsy fuck!" Sean yelled.
Suddenly, a sandbag comes down onto his head, konocking the young critic down to the floor.
"What the hell?!" Sean exclaimed as he picked up the sandbag. "When did I start putting sandbags in my house?"
"That's because I put it there, Archer." Ghostface said as he stood in the living room.
"What the? Okay, how the hell did you get into my house?! I thought I had the security system on." Sean said.
"I turned off the security system. Really? You had 1-2-3-4-5 as your passcode?" Ghostface asked.
"I knew it was a bad idea to come up with that code." Sean said.
"Don't worry, Sean. Your time will come. I will cut off your eyelids so you won't be able to blink. I want you to watch while I stab you in the face." Ghostface said.
"Pretty painful and yet gruesome image." Sean said.
"See you soon, Sean. See you very soon." Ghostface said as he vanishes in a cloud of smoke. Sean makes a confused look on his face after he sees Ghostface vanishing like the Phantasm.
"Huh. I thought the Phantasm was able to do that." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Stab-a-Thon is going on tonight and Gale wants to know where it's at, but the film geeks won't tell her because it's pretty secret. So they're no help and she's not getting in. Later, Jill is stuck in the house with Sidney since her mom won't let her go out. This gives her and Sidney some time to bond.
Sidney Prescott: You know when people say, "I know how you feel"... but you know they're just saying that because they really have no frigging idea how you feel? I know how you feel.
"How do you know how I feel? You don't know how I feel. You didn't get your start on a Nickelodeon show." Sean said, imitating Jill while a picture of Emma Roberts as Addie Singer from the show Unfabulous is shown next to him.
Jill Roberts: How do you handle it? People all staring at you all the time?
Sidney Prescott: People stare at me?
Jill Roberts: I could never handle that kind of attention. I just feel like it would take over your whole life.
Sidney Prescott: What I do is I... try not to think about me. I have people I care about, I focus on them. And the rest, it works out.
Jill Roberts: You saved my life last night.
"Well, she can't make out with you like you're Denise Richards. You're her cousin, so don't get any ideas." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Stab-a-Thon is going on tonight as we see that Kirby and Trevor are there. And let's not forget that Gale is there is as well since she followed them there. So she plants a hidden cameras there to keep an eye on things.
"Also, it's nice that Trevor's there too. You gotta keep your red herrings nearby." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Gale gets ready to get back in the game, someone ends up blocking each and every camera feed. And that person happens to be Ghostface, who happens to be at the Stab-a-Thon, so Gale ends up calling Dewey for backup.
Dewey Riley: Gale, where are you?
Gale Weathers-Riley: I followed the kids to the Stab-a-Thon. There's an old abandoned farm on Fort Dillon Road. Listen, I've got it under surveilance, but I think the killer's about to make his move.
Dewey Riley: What makes you so sure?
Gale Weathers-Riley: You do a remake to out-do the original, that's what the kids said. This party is all about the Stab movies. Come on! How meta can you get?
"Yeah, I've been asking the same thing about this franchise. Also, gotta count this moment as a meta moment." Sean said.
Meta Moment Counter: 10
Sean: (Narrating) Dewey heads over to the party, knowing that Gale's life is in danger. So she heads back to check her cameras, only to find a camera that's watching her. Dewey arrives on the scene and heads over to Gale's car to watch the video surveilance, only to see Ghostface getting ready to attack her, which he does and he tries to kill her.
Dewey Riley: Freeze!
(Dewey shoots at Ghostface and the crowd starts screaming. Ghostface stabs Gale in the shoulder and she kicks him)
"Oooh, right on her shoulder. And she's lucky that wasn't a very fatal stab. Plus, those funny looking eyes on the mask doesn't help at all." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Luckily for Gale, Dewey shows up to scare him off and Gale tells him that the killer was recording and the killer is making the movie. Meanwhile, we see that Deputies Hoss and Perkins are watching over the house while they talk about how cops never survive in these kinds of movies and I have to say, this is one of my favorite scenes from the movie and pretty funny as well.
Deputy Hoss: It sucks to be a cop in a movie, unless you're Bruce Willis.
Deputy Perkins: Not all cops die in movies.
Deputy Hoss: No, but if it's your last day before retirement, you do. If you're a rookie and just found out your wife is pregnant, you do. Or if your partner is better looking than you, you do. And, by the way, I win that one.
Deputy Perkins: I win that one. (Chuckles)
"Yeah, they make a good point there. It sucks to be a cop in a movie. Hell, that's the biggest cliche ever in a movie. The ultimate cliche in a cop movie is where the partner ends up dying and we see that happen every time. And it's a lot to list!" Sean exclaimed.
Meta Moment Counter: 11
Deputy Perkins: I'll take the next perimeter. I'll be right back.
Meta Moment Counter: 12
(Perkins realizes what he just said)
Deputy Perkins: Shit. I know this one. You're not supposed to say that, are you?
"No, you're never supposed to say that one. When somebody says "I'll be right back", they end up dead. That reminds me, I'm going to go grab me a soda. I'll be right back." Sean said as he gets up from off of the couch, then sits back down after realizing what he just said. "On second thought, nevermind."
Sean: (Narrating) Hoss checks the perimeter and comes back as Perkins plays dead just to fuck with him, but then Ghostface shows up and kills both Hoss and Perkins. I just laugh at this scene every time when I see Perkins getting stabbed in the forehead and he's still moving. Plus, Ghostface's reaction is priceless. He's just standing there just watching Perkins trying to swing at him. Plus, we get a pretty hilarious line right before Perkins dies.
Deputy Perkins: Fuck Bruce Willis.
(Perkins dies)
"I know I shouldn't be laughing about that line now because of what's going on with Bruce Willis. But, this is one of my favorite scary yet intentionally funny scenes from the movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Sidney gets spooked out by the sound of wind chimes, but ends up getting jumpscared by her Aunt Kate after she returns from shopping. But then the phone rings and guess who's calling.
Ghostface: (On phone) You're a survivor, aren't you, Sidney? Your one and only skill. You survive. I only have one question for you: what good's to be a survivor in this little drama, if everyone close to you is dead?
Sidney Prescott: Who are you?
Ghostface: (His voice is replaced by Mojo Jojo's voice) The hobo formerly known as Jojo is no more! From this day forward. I shall be known as... MOJO JOJO!
"I KNEW IT!" Sean shouted out loud. "Ghostface is a monkey!"
(A picture of Mojo Jojo from The Powerpuff Girls is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Sidney turns on the television to learn that Gale is one of Ghostface's victims, and he tells her that he'll be going after her family since family is most important to her. So she runs upstairs to check on Jill, only to find that she's gone. She then checks Jill's laptop to find a message that she sent to Kirby for her to pick her up. Sidney and Kate rush over to Kirby's to pick up Jill, Ghostface appears to kill them and to keep him out of the house.
Sidney Prescott: (After locking the front door) Let's get out of here!
(Suddenly, Ghostface stabs Kate in the back of her neck through the mail slot)
Sidney Prescott: Kate, come on! Kate?
(Sidney rushes over to Kate as she spits blood out)
"See? This is why you should never have mail slots on your door, because that type of shit will happen to you." Sean said.
Kate Roberts: Tell Jill I'm so sorry.
Sean: (V/O as Kate) Remember me in Dances With Wolves.
Sean: (Narrating) Sidney rushes to the back and bumps into Deputy Hicks and brings her into the scene and she leaves to head over to Kirby's, where we see that they're having a little Stab-a-Thon afterparty since it got canceled after Dewey showed up and started shooting. But hey, at least they can relax and watch Stab movies and shed some light on the situation.
Charlie Walker: This is what the reboots do. They one-up the original ending.
Kirby Reed: The Woodsboro Murders ended at a party. So in the remake...
Charlie Walker: The party's the false ending. New rules.
Kirby Reed: Exactly.
"Just take a look at Red Dragon. In Manhunter, it ended with a shootout at Francis Dollarhyde's house with Will Graham gunning him down. In Red Dragon, we had a fake-out ending and the real ending. For those of you who've seen the movie Red Dragon, you know what I'm talking about." Sean said.
"I liked Red Dragon, first film I saw the late Philip Seymore Hoffman in." Brian said.
Charlie Walker: (Notices Kirby's DVD collection) Wow, Kirby. You've got some classics here.
Kirby Reed: Yeah.
Charlie Walker: Suspiria, Don't Look Now.
Kirby Reed: You know it. I could trivia your ass under the table, Cinema Boy.
Charlie Walker: Oh, yeah? Who played Leatherface first?
Kirby Reed: Gunnar Hansen.
Charlie Walker: Wow. Did you feel that? That charge that moved between us just then?
Kirby Reed: Oh, that was me. I have powers.
"Ah, I see what you did there, movie. You made a Heroes reference since Hayden Panettiere was on the show." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) While Charlie and Kirby flirt with each other, Robbie becomes worried about the cops coming for them and that they'll shut down his webshow, but then Trevor shows up, unexpectedly. Yeah, I suspect that this dude is the killer. What the hell was he doing? Was he just hanging out in the background while waiting for that creepy music to pop up?
Kirby Reed: And, uh, may I ask what the hell you're doing here?
Trevor Sheldon: What? Didn't I find the afterparty?
Kirby Reed: No, you found the anti-party, and it's invitation only.
Trevor Sheldon: Yeah, well, I got an invitation. From Jill.
(Kirby and Charlie look at Jill)
Trevor Sheldon: So, what's the story?
"Uh, the fact that you just walked into someone's house unannounced and that you're not invited because nobody likes you." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jill denies that she didn't text Trevor, but she can't seem to find her phone. She goes to look for it for a while, leaving Robbie to get drunk as hell while playing with his webcam thingy and leaving Charlie and Kirby alone, which means he might be able to get a little action from a hot blonde.
Kirby Reed: I'm sorry. I know you're into the movie and all, but now would be a really good time to make a move.
Charlie Walker: For me to make a move?
Kirby Reed: Uh-hm.
Charlie Walker: Couldn't you make a move?
Kirby Reed: I just did. 'Cause you're actually pretty cute. Especially when I'm scared and lonely and drunk.
(Charlie leans in to kiss Kirby. Their kiss is interrupted by Trevor as he enters the room)
Trevor Sheldon: Hey, guys, did you see Jill come in? I didn't see her outside.
"Dude! What the fuck?!" Sean exclaimed.
Trevor Sheldon: (Sees Stab 7 playing) Oh, dude, I love this part of the movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just when you think they're all safe and comfortable in the house, Ghostface comes in and bam!
(An irritated Charlie gets up from out of his seat and leaves the room)
Trevor Sheldon: Did I just interrupt something right here?
(Kirby stays silent while staring at Trevor)
Trevor Sheldon: Shut the fuck up.
Kirby Reed: Who invited you, Trevor?
(A clip from Seinfeld is shown)
Mary (Played by Rondi Reed): Nobody wants you here. Nobody!
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut back to Robbie walking around while streaming live video blog, but then Ghostface appears and stabs him, but then Robbie tries to get out of this situation.
Robbie Mercer: Wait, no, you can't! You can't! There's rules! I'm gay! I'm gay! I mean, if it helps.
Sean: (V/O as Ghostface) Well, now that you think about it...
(Ghostface stabs Robbie)
Sean: (V/O as Ghostface) SIIIIIIIKE!
Sean: (Narrating) Jill returns from upstairs after finding her phone in Kirby's room, but what's this? Seems that Charlie, Robbie and Trevor are missing. They head outside to look for them, only to bump into Sidney. And of course a very bloody Robbie, and Ghostface, who wants to waste them.
(Ghostface chases Sidney, Jill and Kirby up the stairs. Ghostface grabs Sidney, but Sidney kicks Ghostface, sending him flying back down the stairs)
"Damn! Sidney just kicked Ghostface's ass like a Spartan." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Sidney and Jill head to Kirby's room with Jill hiding underneath Kirby's bed and Sidney luring the killer outside while she calls Dewey to tell him that the killer is at Kirby's and the cops head over to the house. Ghostface tries to kill Sidney, but she manages to escape and she meets up with Kirby. They hide downstairs and they spot Charlie outside. Who's covered in Robbie's blood and wants to be let inside.
Sidney Prescott: If you can't trust him, don't open the door.
Charlie Walker: Oh, my God, let me in!
Kirby Reed: Get away from the door, Charlie.
Charlie Walker: Kirby, it is me. Please let me in!
Kirby Reed: Get away from the door, Charlie!
Charlie Walker: It's me!
"Dude, I don't trust you. You're a Culkin!" Sean exclaimed, imitating Kirby.
Sean: (Narrating) Ghostface knocks out Charlie and ties him up to a chair and Ghostface calls her. While Sidney looks for Jill, Kirby is forced to play Ghostface's little game.
Ghostface: (On the phone) I hear you like horror movies, Kirby. But do you like them as much as him? Forget watching Stab. You get to live it.
Kirby Reed: No! No, no, no, no, no! He's the expert! It's not me!
Ghostface: Warm up question: Jason's weapon?
"It's a machete. Come on, dude. That question was easy as hell." Sean said.
Ghostface: Michael Myers?
Kirby Reed: Uh, butcher knife.
Ghostface: Leatherface?
Kirby Reed: A chainsaw. Please!
Ghostface: Just ask Sidney if you need some help. Freddy Krueger?
Kirby Reed: Razor hands.
Ghostface: Name the movie that started the slasher craze. Halloween, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Last House on the Left or Psycho?
"Come on, it's Psycho." Sean said.
Ghostface: None of the above! Peeping Tom, 1960, directed by Michael Powell. First movie to ever put the audience in the killer's POV.
"Damn! Well, I've never watched that movie, yet I've never heard of it." Sean said.
Ghostface: Name the remake of the groundbreaking movie in which the villain...
Kirby Reed: Halloeen, Texas Chainsaw, Dawn of the Dead, The Hills Have Eyes, Amityville Horror, Last House on the Left, Friday the 13th, A Nightmare on Elm Street, My Bloody Valentine, When a Stranger Calls, Prom Night, Black Christmas, House of Wax, The Fox, Piranha! It's one of those, right? Right?
"You're forgetting about Thirteen Ghosts, The House on Haunted Hill, Poltergeist. The list goes on." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Kirby passes Ghostface's test and frees Charlie, but...
Charlie Walker: Kirby? This is making a move.
(Charlie stabs Kirby in the stomach)
Charlie Walker: Four years of classes together and you notice me now? Stupid bitch! It's too late!
(Charlie stabs Kirby once more)
"Turns out that Charlie is the killer. Well, one of the killers. So we don't know who the other killer is." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Charlie leaves Kirby for dead. Don't worry, she'll be fine. And Sidney is left alone to face off against Ghostface. But Charlie sneaks up on Sidney and holds her at knifepoint, but she breaks free from his grasp and gets stabbed by Ghostface. So, who is the second killer? Well, the second killer happens to be...
(Ghostface takes off his mask, revealing himself to be Jill)
Sidney Prescott: Jill!
Jill Roberts: Hello, Sidney. Surprised?
"Yeah, of course. Of course the killer is Jill. Seriously?!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, Jill is the mastermind behind the whole thing. But what about Trevor? Well, she had him tied up and in the closet, just like Sidney's dad in the first film and that way they can pin the murders all on him.
Jill Roberts: You think you had a shitty boyfriend, Sidney? Here's one that fucks you, dumps you and doesn't even make you famous.
(Jill kicks Trevor)
Trevor Sheldon: What the fuck, Jill?! I loved you!
Jill Roberts: Shut the fuck up already!
(Trevor screams as Jill kicks him repeatedly)
"You know what they say, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jill shoots Trevor in the dick and shoots him in the head. So, in remake form, Trevor is Billy, and Charlie and Jill are Sidney and Randy and they're doing it for fame and also for them to get together and be lovers.
Sidney Prescott: How could you do this?
Jill Roberts: Do you know what it was like growing up in this family? Related to you? I mean, all I ever heard was Sidney this and Sidney that and Sidney, Sidney, Sidney. You were always just so fucking special! Well, now I'm the special one.
Sidney Prescott: You'll slip. They always do.
"Yeah, Jill. Take a look at Billy Loomis, Stu Macher, Mrs. Loomis, Mickey Altieri and Roman Bridger. And look what happened to them. Dead." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jill and Charlie try to pull a Billy and Stu on each other, but instead Jill stabs Charlie in the heart, that way she can be sole survivor because the media loves that shit. After she frames Charlie for the killings and having Trevor as his partner, Jill has to explain to Sidney that with her out of the way, she can bask in the fame and have everybody love her.
Jill Roberts: You had your 15 minutes, now I want mine! I mean, what am I supposed to do? Go to college? Grad school? Work? Look around. We all live in public now, we're all on the Internet. How do you think people become famous anymore? You don't have to achieve anything. You just gotta have fucked-up shit happen to you.
"Uh, no. No! No, that does not work, you crazy bitch!" Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jill finishes her villain rant and stabs Sidney once more. Don't worry, Sid will be fine. Maybe. And Jill has to set up her wounds to make it act like Trevor attacked her.
(Jill uses Trevor's hand to scratch her cheek and pulls a handful of her own hair. We then see her stab herself with the knife by running against the wall pressing the knife against her shoulder)
Jill Roberts: (Screams and kicks the end table) Fuck!
"Okay, I like what she's doing there. Make it act like he scratched her face, ripping her hair and stabs herself. Hmm, it needs more. You gotta turn it up a notch for this remake." Sean said.
(Jill runs into a glass frame and she finishes off by purposely falling on a glass coffee table while the "Subaluwa" sumo sound effect from Ed, Edd 'n Eddy plays in the background)
Sean then applauds and cheers for a bit after watching what Jill has done.
"Yes! Now, that's what I'm talking about, baby! Make it look like that Ric Flair slammed you down on the glass table. WOOOOOOOOOO!" Sean hollered like Ric Flair.
Sean: (Narrating) Jill collapses next to her seemingly dead cousin until Dewey and Hicks shows up at the scene with the other police officers. But hey, at least Jill gets a chance to bask in the fame as the lone survivor. Also, she pulls off some great acting when Dewey checks up on her at the hospital.
Jill Roberts: Trevor, Charlie, they tried to kill me. And I heard they killed my mom. And... and Robbie and Kirby, too.
"Uhhhh, I'm pretty sure that Kirby is still alive. Hell, she comes back in Scream VI and she's an FBI special agent. So, Charlie slipped up. Which technically makes her the sole survivor. God, you and Charlie suck." Sean said, chuckling a bit.
Jill Roberts: Is your wife...?
Dewey Riley: She's gonna be fine. She's recovering.
Jill Roberts: If I ever write a book one day, I'd... I'd want her to write it with me. We'd be a good team with out matching wounds and all.
"What makes you dumb is that one little clue that's gonna make you slip up. You're not very bright, are you?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Dewey shares some news to Jill that Sidney is still alive. Yeah, Sid is a hard woman to kill. After Dewey leaves, Jill decides to finish the job. Meanwhile, Dewey checks up on Gale to see how she's doing and to tell her what Jill said to him.
Dewey Riley: She asked if you were OK. She thinks you guys should write a book together, with your matching wounds.
Gale Weathers-Riley: Why, she was stabbed in the shoulder?
(Dewey nods his head)
Gale Weathers-Riley: How did she know I was too?
(Dewey and Gale look at each other for a moment, realizing that Jill is the killer and rushes out of the room)
Dewey Riley: Shit!
"Boy, that took you long enough to realize that." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jill enters Sidney's room to try to murder her, but Sidney is not the one to die easily when she fights back and the two cousins duke it out like they're on Mortal Kombat 1. But Dewey rushes in to save Sidney, but he ends up getting beaten up by Jill with a bedpan and she takes his gun.
Jill Roberts: Is this how it's gonna be, Sid? The ending of the movie was supposed to be at the house. I mean, this is just silly.
Sidney Prescott: Consider this an alternate ending. You're never gonna get out of this, Jill.
"I don't care if this ending involves me blowing you up with a bazooka, but you're never getting away with this." Sean said, imitating Sidney.
Sean: (Narrating) Gale shows up and Jill holds her at gunpoint, but then Hicks dives in to save Gale, but she ends up getting shot by Jill until she holds Gale at gunpoint again. But before she kills her, Gale has one thing to say to her.
Jill Roberts: What? "Please"?
(Sidney reaches for the shock paddles)
Gale Weathers-Riley: No. Clear.
Jill Roberts: Clear?
Sidney Prescott: Clear.
(Sidney shocks Jill in the head with the defibrilator)
Sidney Prescott: You forgot the first rule of remakes, Jill. Don't fuck with the original.
"Yet, Hollywood tends to fuck with the original all the time." Sean said.
(A clip from Home Sweet Home Alone is shown)
Hunter (Played by Timothy Simmons): I don't know why they're always trying to remake the classics. Never as good as the original.
Sean: (Narrating) Well, at least everybody is alright...
"Wait a minute, this is the part where the killer comes back for one final scare." Sean said.
(Jill gets ready to kill Sidney with a glass shard. But Sidney shoots Jill in the heart, killing her)
"Not in this movie. And it's always the killer trying to kill somebody from behind." Sean said.
(Hicks, who's still alive, gets up)
Deputy Judy Hicks: Nice one.
Gale Weathers-Riley: Hicks? You're alive?
(Hicks reveals that she's wearing a bulletproof vest)
Deputy Judy Hicks: Wear the vest, save your chest.
(Hicks faints)
"Man, she's definitely going to get a vacation afterwards." Sean said.
Sidney Prescott: I don't know about you, but I feel a whole lot better.
Sean: (Narrating) And with that, the movie ends with dozens of reporters lined up to interview the "heroic" sole survivor of the latest Woodsboro Massacre.
Female Reporter: Jill Roberts of Woodsboro, a girl who's lifted all our spirits tonight. An American hero, right out of the movies.
"Man, reporters are the last to know." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) And that was Scream 4, and it's an improvement over Scream 3. Yeah, even though it broke the rule of trilogies, it corrects the mistakes of the third film. I love the zany set-up and the meta commentary about the idea of horror remakes being put into good use. The mystery is alright, but it can be obvioius at some times and the reveal was a bit dumb. The gore effects are pretty good and the horror did it's job. You got some returning characters and new characters, some that would be fan favorites like Kirby, who's a fan favorite and she's my favorite character in the movie. Also, you got some pretty good humor in it as well with the Scream movies being a mix of horror and comedy. Sadly, this the last movie Wes Craven would direct before his passing in 2015. And don't worry, I'll get to the latest Scream movies in the future. Anyway, Scream 4 is a pretty good sequel, much better than Scream 3 and I'm glad that they made this one, coming in at 4 camera headsets out of 5.
"And that is all for today, I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and..." Sean said as Ghostface pops up.
"Don't think that this is the end, Archer." Ghostface said as Sean rolled his eyes in disgust. "But before I kill you, I want you to know that it's the ties that cuts deep. Family is important to you, right?"
"Really, Cami? Really?" Sean asked.
"Oh, Goddamn it!" Cami exclaimed as she takes off the Ghostface mask. "How did you know?"
"My own cousin trying to kill me. The hint on family. Besides, you can't even kill me." Sean said.
"You're right. Hell, it's been awhile since I've been on your show." Cami said.
"I know. And the real Ghostface is out there. He's waiting for me to continue the Scream franchise until he kills me. And I'll be there, waiting for him. It ain't over yet." Sean said.
"Well, I don't want to be around when he tries to kill you." Cami said. "That reminds me, I gotta get this costume off."
"Anyway, I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said before he leaves the room. After the young critic leaves, the real Ghostface pops out from behind the couch and sits down as he pulls out his knife and polishes it.
"Don't worry, Archer. There's always next year to kill you. There's always..." Ghostface said.
Suddenly, Sean end up shooting Ghostface in the back of the head, killing him as he enters the living room and pushed him off the couch.
"Oh, yeah, I was ready for him." Sean said.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Your lemon squares taste like ass.
And that is all for the review of Scream 4 for The Mayhem Critic. Yeah, it's about time that I got this review finished and over with. So, what did you think of it and what did you think of the movie? Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean returns to the world of Friday the 13th. Which Friday the 13th movie should I review next? Here are the choices:
1. Friday the 13th: A New Beginning: Sean reviews one of the most polarizing sequels ever made and one that he has a problem with. A huge problem.
2. Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives: Sean reviews the best sequel of the franchise and the return of Jason Voorhees. And of course, the best damn song ever by Alice Cooper.
3. Friday the 13th (2009): Sean reviews the 2009 remake that's packed with more kills and more boobs.
So, which one of the three should I review? Don't forget to review the new chapter, add this story to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Also, if you would like to do a co-review with me on any of the three movies, feel free to PM me if you're interested. Also, after the Friday the 13th review, I'll definitely be reviewing Renfield since it's on Prime Video. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.