The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Well, Mayhem Critic Christmas Month continues and you're all in for a real treat as Sean the Mayhem Critic takes a look at A Very Sunny Christmas, the Christmas special for It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Did I say special? It's a mean-spirited, hilarious Christmas special. Grab yourself some rum ham and a beer. Here's the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights and references belong to their respective sources. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: A Very Sunny Christmas is owned by 3 Arts Entertainment, RCG, FXP, FX and 20th Television.
Episode 200
A Very Sunny Christmas
12:00 PM
Monday
Cincinnati, OH
Instead of the traditional Mayhem Critic intro, we open with an intro in the style of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, as we see our favorite residential movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, stepping out of the kitchen after he fixes himself a mug of hot chocolate with marshmallows and whipped cream as he heads upstairs and enters his office, sitting his cup down on his desk before he sits down on his desk chair.
"Alright, time to work on my holiday wishes for this year. I never knew that it impacted so many lives and that I never knew it would be this good. Eat your heart out, Steve Martin." Sean said before he starts typing on his laptop. "First off: the extended 31 day orgasm to be brought about slowly by pornstars Coco Lovelock and Jessica Ryan and..."
Suddenly, the young movie critic notices something that's wrapped in gold wrapping paper, sitting right next to his laptop. Sean sighed a bit, wondering what he's about to review next.
"Oh, great. Another gift. Let's hope it's nothing bad. A really shitty Christmas special." Sean said as he unwraps the gift. "Okay, let's see what it is."
Sean finishes tearing the wrapping paper up. His eyes widened in surprise as he held the DVD. He looked up at the camera and smiled, knowing that he's about to talk about something good.
(After that cold opening, we then open with the traditional Mayhem Critic intro. After the intro ends, we open with Sean the Mayhem Critic, sitting on his red couch while he starts his introduction)
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said. "Well, it looks like I'm talking about one of the best damn shows of all time and one of my favorite shows ever. Roll the footage, bitch!"
(Clips of the show It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia are shown in a montage while the theme music plays)
Sean: (Narrating) What can I possibly say about this show that hasn't been said? It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is the most hilarious, crudest, offensive show I've ever seen in my life. And by God, do we love every single minute of it. The show aired on FX on August 4th, 2005 and it ran for 16 seasons and renewed for two more seasons. This was one of FX's best long-running shows that gained a cult following. If you're not familiar to the show, then let me give you a brief rundown on the show, it focuses on a group of friends called "The Gang", which consists of janitor Charlie Kelly, played by Charlie Day. Then, you have the bar's bouncer Ronald "Mac" McDonald, played by Rob McElhenney, the main bartender Dennis Reynolds played brilliantly by Glenn Howerton and his twin sister Deandra "Sweet Dee" Reynolds played by Kaitlin Olson. My favorite out of the gang is Dennis, because he is just funny and sometimes a borderline psycho. Did I say sometimes? He's a fucking psychopath.
"In fact, there are seriously so many iconic and hilarious moments from Dennis that I've created a list. " Sean said as he put on his glasses and grabbed his clipboard for him to read. "We have Dennis dressing up as a woman, Dennis looking like a molester, we've seen him getting threatened by Sinbad, creating a foolproof seduction system called the D.E.N.N.I.S. System, trying to hit on that busty news reporter, marrying Maureen Ponderosa and divorcing her and I think he killed her. So many moments to mention."
(Cut to more footage from the show)
Sean: (Narrating) Now, as fun as it is to talk about every single episode and some of my favorites, we'll save it for another time, because today we're going to be talking about something else.
"We're gonna be talking about the Christmas special titled A Very Sunny Christmas." Sean said.
(Cut to the title screen for "A Very Sunny Christmas" while clips from the special are shown while the theme music plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Released straight to DVD on November 17th, 2009 and later aired on December 16th, 2010, The Gang decides to show off some holiday spirit and shove it down our throats. So, what does this special involve? Well... you might have to sit down for this one because it's probably gonna offend people and of course children.
(A clip from the season seven episode Chardee MacDennis: The Game of Games is shown)
Dee (Played by Kaitlin Olson): Things are about to get real dark, real quick, Frank.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah. This is the Christmas special to put every other Christmas special to shame, and they're loving every minute of it.
"So, in the words of Dennis Reynolds, "Gentlemen. Suck my (beep).". Sean said as he drinks his hot chocolate and throws his mug down on the floor. "This is A Very Sunny Christmas."
(We see the time (9:00 AM), and that it's Christmas Eve and the location (Philadelphia, PA). Then, the episode opens with Mac and Charlie decorating Paddy's Pub while "Jingle Bell Rock" by Bobby Helms plays on the jukebox)
Sean: (Narrating) We open with the special kindly letting us know what time it was and the location and that it's Christmas Eve. Yeah, that's how every episode of the show starts off. And we see Mac and Charlie decorating the bar on Christmas Eve while Dennis and Dee enter the bar as they act like a bunch of Scrooges.
Mac (Played by Rob McElhenney): Hey, go in the back. We got some more Christmas lights. We need some help.
Dee: No, we're not helping you.
Charlie (Played by Charlie Day): Come on. It's almost Christmas. Get into the spirit. Let's put some decorations up.
Dee: (Notices the industrial-sized snowblower) Whoa. What in the hell is that?
Mac: Yeah. You like that? That's an industrial-sized snowblower we got from some dude on the Internet from the Poconos.
"How the hell did those two manage to fit that big-ass snowblower inside the bar? And how the hell did they get the money for it?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) As you can see here, Mac and Charlie are getting into the spirit because they have this tradition where they put up the Christmas decorations on Christmas Eve, drink a lot of eggnog, pass out and they wake up on Christmas morning and throw rocks at trains.
Dee: Why would grown men throw rocks at trains?
Mac: Why wouldn't we throw rocks at trains?
Charlie: It's awesome. It's what you do on Christmas morning. We've been doing it since we were kids.
"Sounds like something off of World's Dumbest Holidays." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) As for Dennis and Dee, they're in a sour mood because they hate Christmas because Frank does something so cruel to them on Christmas. He would end up buying them for himself instead of buying them for Dennis and Dee. But, they're in for one hell of a surprise when Charlie calls Frank on the walkie talkie.
Charlie: Yo, uh, Frank, the eagles landed. They're here. So, uh, over and out. Go ahead.
Frank (Played by Danny DeVito): (On the walkie) Tell 'em to go outside.
Dennis (Played by Glenn Howerton): No. Frank, whatever Christmas presents you bought for yourself, you can bring 'em in the bar and ruin 'em in front of us in here.
Frank: (On the walkie) No can do. It's too big. And, Dennis, you're really gonna wanna see this. It's your dream gift.
Dennis: My dream gift? What does he- Nah. No. Oh. Oh, God, no.
(The Gang heads outside as Frank drives up in a Lamborghini Countach. The door raises up as Frank gets out of the car, wearing a Kill Bill-type yellow suit)
Dennis: Goddamn it.
Frank: (Sinister laughter Merry Christmas, bitches!
"Ladies and gentlemen, Danny DeVito as Frank Reynolds." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Yes, my friends. Here to make Dennis and Dee's life a living hell is their crazy, gun-toting father Frank Reynold, played by Danny DeVito, who joined the cast in the show's second season and he became an excellent addition to the cast and he's also one of my favorite characters from the show and he's funny as hell.
(A clip from the season five episode "The D.E.N.N.I.S. System is shown)
Frank: Oh, whoops! Oh, I dropped my monster condom that I used for my magnum dong.
Caylee (Played by Jill Latiano): (Speechless) I'm outta here.
"Can you believe that this is the same guy that played these characters?" Sean asked.
(Pictures of Louie De Palma from Taxi, The Penguin from Batman Returns, Harry Wormwood from Matilda and the Lorax from The Lorax are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Frank buys himself a Lamborghini Countach and a high-end Sergio Giorgini bag that Dennis and Dee wanted and he rubs it in their faces. And why does he have a designer handbag? To keep his Cheesy Loops and chocolate-covered malted milk balls in.
Dee: What is your problem, Frank? Why do you do this to us every year?
Frank: I do it to you every year, Deandra, because you and your brother never learn the lesson that I try to impart at Christmastime.
Dee: Oh, my God.
Frank: And that is you have to earn what you get. This principle made me a multimillionaire.
"Well, that's a very shitty lesson to make them learn. I mean, what kind of father does that to their kids?" Sean asked.
Dennis: Damn son of a bitch!
(Dee grunts loudly)
Dennis: How could he do this- He's gone too far this year.
Dee: Okay, he's not even our dad anymore and he's still doing this. I can't take it anymore.
"It's a long story. The thing about Frank not being their father. In fact, their real father is Bruce Mathis. Watch season two, you'll understand." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Wanting to get back at Frank for what he's done, Dennis and Dee decide to track down Frank's ex-business partner, who's not dead. Also, Frank screwed the poor guy out of millions of dollars. So, they head down to the home of Eugene Hamilton, played by David Huddleston, so they can teach Frank a lesson. But, Eugene is a changed man.
Eugene Hamilton (Played by David Huddleston): Well, I have forgiven Frank.
Dennis: Uh, what?
Dee: Frank?
Eugene Hamilton: You see, some years ago I had a near-death experience, and I- I saw the light... and I saw the truth... of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
(Dennis clicks his teeth)
Dee: Oh. Uh-oh.
"Turns out that Eugene has turned into friggin' Kirk Cameron." Sean said.
Suddenly, a picture of Mike Seaver from Growing Pains pops up slowly from the left. Sean turns as the picture vanishes quickly without him noticing.
"Huh. That's weird." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah. Turns out that Eugene has converted to Christianity and he's forgiven those who harmed him. So, he agrees to help them out so Frank can see the error of his ways. Back with Mac and Charlie, they head to Mac's house to find some of his favorite toys from his childhood that he got for Christmas
Mac: (Pulls out Simon) Yeah! Boom! 'Member that?
Charlie: (Gasps) Simon?
Mac: Simon.
Charlie: Dude, this game was my favorite. Do you remember how challenging this was?
Mac: Yeah. But, Charlie, don't get lost in that. Okay? Just...
(Charlie starts playing with Simon as it beeps)
Charlie: I got the first one, bro.
(Simon beeps twice)
Charlie: Uh-oh. Ew. Ew! It just threw me a curveball here. Did you catch that?
Mac: Uh, it went - (Beeps twice)
Charlie: I know, but I don't know what order.
"That's Simon for ya. That game tends to be challenging as fuck. And as a guy who was born in 1992, I never owned Simon. But I owned Twister and Candyland. Oh, and Fishin' Around. That game was fun." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Mac shows off his Omnibot to Charlie. Damn! I never owned an Omnibot. But, I owned a Commandobot (A picture of Commandobot is shown). Then, they play a home movie that Mac's father made of Christmas.
Young Mac (Played by Preston Bailey): (On video) Can I open mine now?
Luther (Played by Gregory Scott Cummins): No, no, keep your voice down. Let your mother open hers first, okay? (As Mac's mom grabs her gift) Here we go. Here we go.
Mac's Mom (Played by Sandy Martin): Mom. (Opens her gift) Let's see.
Luther: Let's go, Mom. Let's not wait.
Mac's Mom: (Gasps from the sight of a cashmere sweater) Hon! Wow! Cahsmere! Beautiful! (She kisses Luther)
"Okay, that's two things that I've never seen before. Mac's Mom with a mullet and her and Luther being happy together. Hell, they usually hate each other." Sean said.
Young Mac: Goddamn it! Can I goddamn go? This is taking forever!
Luther: Okay. Fine, fine, fine, fine. You go. You go. Yeah. Okay. Let's see. It's your turn.
Mac's Mom: Let's see what you got.
(Mac opens his gift and screams in excitement)
Young Mac: A Cabbage Patch Doll! (Screams)
"Boy, I haven't seen anyone this excited since those two kids who got an N64 for Christmas." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Well, it seems like their Christmas is normal. Well...
Man in House: Who's down there?
Wife: Oh, my God!
(Luther spots the other family in the house)
Luther: Time to go. Time to go.
(Luther, Mac's Mom and Mac grab the other family's gifts as they rush out of the house right when the video ends)
Charlie: Dude, what was it- What was that? What happened right there?
"Turns out Mac and his family steal gifts from different families. That is one fucked-up tradition." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) While Charlie shows Mac how they celebrate Christmas at the Kelly residence, we cut back to Dennis and Dee as they bring Eugene along to make Frank change his ways, a la Christmas Carol.
Eugene Hamilton: Fra-a-a-nk!
(Frank wakes up and sees smoke coming from underneath the door
Frank: Fire! Fire! Fire! We're gonna die! We're all gonna die! We're gonna suffocate! I gotta get out of here! (Grabs a chair and breaks the window with it as he tries to get out) Get out! We're gonna die!
Eugene Hamilton: (Enters the apartment) Calm down, Frank. Calm down. There's no fire.
Frank: Eugene?
Eugene Hamilton: Yes.
Frank: A ghost! (Grabs a golf club and starts swinging it) Ghost!
Eugene Hamilton: No. No, no, no.
Frank: Ghost, ghost, get out!
Eugene Hamilton: No!
(Dennis and Dee enter the apartment to stop Frank from hurting Eugene)
Dee: No, Frank! Stop! Stop.
Frank: Deandra! Deandra!
"Just be glad that Frank didn't pull out his gun and start shooting at ya. You'll definitely be seeing God soon." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Dennis and Dee get Frank to calm down as they get him to listen to Eugene.
Eugene Hamilton: Are you familiar with the forgiving nature of our lord and savior Jesus Christ?
Dennis: Ooh, ooh, no, no, no. Eugene. At the end. Okay? "For the love of God" at the end. Okay? This is the beginning.
Dee: Okay. But if you're gonna bring God into it, can you do like the Old Testament and the covenant and keeping your eyes closed or your face will melt and the coins and the fear and the Indiana Jones-
"You know, it gets pretty silly when someone mentions Raiders of the Lost Ark. I would pay good money just to see Danny DeVito's face melt." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) They show Frank the tape and surprisingly they still use VHS players back then and this Christmas special came out in 2009 and we were using DVDs and Blu-Rays. Frank watches the video from 1986 where he pulled a fake-out on Dennis and Dee when they were kids. Man, the look on their faces. That's the saddest thing I have ever seen in my life and this is coming from Frank Reynolds.
Frank: Aw. Oh, this is bringing back such great memories! The fake out was the best, right? Right, Eugene?
Dennis: No! No. Eugene, will you please tell him what a terrible person he's been for always doing this to us, please?
Frank: What are you talking about? Eugene was the guy who taught me the fake out.
Eugene Hamilton: He's right. But I have changed, my good friend.
Dee: Yeah, see? He's changed.
Dennis: Yeah, that's the point.
Dee: That's the point. He changed. And now it's time for you to change.
Dennis: Yeah.
Eugene Hamilton: They're right. Are you ready to find the loving arms of God?
"Oh, boy. He's going all religious on their asses like he's Kirk Cameron." Sean said.
This time, the picture of Mike Seaver pops out from the right, then vanishes as Sean turns around.
"What the hell is going on here?" Sean asked as he looked confused.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Mac and Charlie, they head over to Charlie's mom's house and we see that his mother, played by Lynne Marie Stewart, who's definitely into the Christmas spirit.
Bonnie Kelly (Played by Lynne Marie Stewart): Oh, you brought the vodka.
Charlie: Glug, glug, glug, glug. Christmastime! Christmastime! Drinkin' our Christmas.
Bonnie Kelly: Thank you. Well, listen, you guys. Make yourselves at home. I'll be in the kitchen making gingerbread men for my gingerbread boys.
Charlie: Yeah! Gingerbread men!
Mac: All right, man. I feel it. I'm back.
Charlie: See? Now, this is Christmas, man!
Mac: Mac is back.
Charlie: You got good tunes, good food on the way. My mom and I would be excited about the Santas coming over. This is Christmas, bro!
Mac: Yeah. Yeah. (Looks confused for a moment) The- The what?
"Okay, remember when I mentioned that Mac and his parents stealing gifts from different families was fucked up? Well, this Christmas tradition of Charlie's is fifty shades of fucked up." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Charlie mentions that the Santas come over to cheer his mother up. But here's the thing: his mother prostitutes herself for cash and presents and she sleeps with different men dressed as Santa Claus, and also a guy dressed as Santa's elf. (Cut to the second man dressed as Santa. This time, he's played by Christopher Lloyd, who is uncredited) And on top of that, you have a guy dressed as Santa who's played by Christopher Lloyd. Yeah, that's right. Christopher Lloyd.
(A clip from Back to the Future Part II is shown)
Doc Brown (Played by Christopher Lloyd): Great Scott!
(Doc Brown faints)
Mac: Ah. Charlie? I- I hate to break this to you, man, but- but based on the story that you just told me, I think your mother was a prostitute.
Charlie: (Chuckles) What?
Mac: Yeah.
Charlie: Come on, man!
Mac: I'm just saying, based on that story that you just told me, I'm fairly certain that those Santas were running a train on your mom for money.
Charlie: No, dude. They would just give my mom money and go in the-
(The bell tolls as the sudden realization hits Charlie)
"That sudden realization and Charlie's reaction to the news is the funniest thing ever." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Props to Charlie Day in this scene. His face after he realized what his mom was doing was priceless and his reaction is too damn funny. I would react the same way if I found out my mom was boinking a bunch of guys dressed as Santa.
Charlie: No, no.
Mac: Yes.
Charlie: No.
Mac: Yes.
Charlie: No.
Mac: Yes.
Charlie: No!
Mac: Yes.
Charlie: No! No!
Mac: Okay, but, no. Just relax. Are you okay?
Charlie: Ma!
"Ma! The song is called "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus", not "I Saw Mommy Banging Santa Claus". OH, MY GOD! NO! NO! NO!" Sean screamed out, imitating Charlie.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Dennis and Dee continue their Christmas Carol plan on Frank as they take him to his old real estate office and it's their annual Christmas party and they want to show him how much his ex-employees hated his guts.
Frank: But I haven't worked here in years. I mean, why is this a Christmas present to me?
Dennis: It's not a Christmas present, Frank. This is the Christmas present. Uh, all right, Frank. Here's the plan. We're gonna hide you somewhere in the office, so you can hear people talkin' shit about you. All right?
Frank: Oh, that's cool. Oh, I see where you're going with this now. (Points to the couch) Sew me into the couch.
Dennis: Sew you into the couch? What are you saying?
Frank: Yeah. That's what I do at home all the time- hide in the couch. It's a great hiding place. I catch Charlie pounding off all the time.
Dennis: "Pounding off"? Where do you get these terms?
Dee: Why do you wanna catch Charlie masturbating? No, I don't care! No.
"I do not want to think about what Frank does while watching Charlie pounding off." Sean said as he shuddered in disgust.
Sean: (Narrating) They sew Frank into the couch so he can overhear some of his ex-employees and the Christmas party starts as Dennis and Dee talk to two employees who work in the building and when they mention Frank, they don't even know who Frank is and things don't end up well.
(The male office worker notices the couch and sees that someone is hiding inside)
Man-Office Worker (Played by Mike Beaver): Is there a man in that couch?
(Dennis and Dee make a forced laugh)
Dennis: What are you saying? A man in a couch?
Dee: Hello!
Dennis: That's absurd!
Man-Office Worker: I believe there's a man in that couch right there.
Dennis: There is no man. There's no man! Say some things about Frank Reynolds. Say 'em loud, make sure they're horrible, horrible things, then we'll deal with the man in the couch.
"Just forget about the damn man in the couch and call Frank Reynolds an asshole and what an all-around prick that he's been to people." Sean said, imitating Dennis.
Man-Office Worker: Who is Frank Reynolds?
Dennis: He's the man in the couch!
Woman-Office Worker (Played by Ryan Michelle Bathe): Oh, my God! What are you people doing?
Dennis: Will you just say something about Frank that's horrible! Call him an asshole!
Woman-Office Worker: Frank Reynolds is an asshole!
Dee: Ok. Thank you!
(Frank slips out of the couch, sweaty and naked after getting too hot from being inside as everyone looks on in shock and disgust. His bare butt is censored by a black bar that reads "YIKES!")
Dennis: What is happening?
"Okay, they just referenced Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls in this scene. Also, this is the first and last time that I see Danny DeVito naked. Never again." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After you wash your eyes out with water and clear your mind from that image, Mac and Charlie visit the home of one of the kids who Mac stole from Ricky Falcone and he tries to make amends with him. And by apologizing, he uses the Omnibot to apologize for him.
Omnibot: Hello, Ricky. When you were a little boy, I was stolen from you on Christmas day. It was a big misunderstanding. I miss you. I love you. I'm sorry.
(Ricky just looks at Mac and Charlie while they both smile at him)
Ricky Falcone (Played by Pablo Schreiber): So, you stole this from me, and now you're coming back 20 years later to return it to me?
Mac: Ooh. (Looks at Charlie)
Charlie: R-Return it? No.
Mac: Return it. No. No, not exactly.
Charlie: Yeah. We didn't think you'd want the robot back, seeing how as you're an adult and everything now.
Mac: You are a grown man. It was more about the apology.
Charlie: The apology. so-
Mac: We're keeping the robot.
"Wow. You apologize to the guy and you tell him that you're keeping the robot. You're kinda adding insult to injury here." Sean said.
Ricky Falcone: You two assholes are coming over to show me something that you stole from me, but you're not giving it back?
Charlie: At this point, I believe the robot's falling under the finders-keepers law of America.
Ricky Falcone: You didn't find it. You stole it.
Charlie: Well, hang on a second. I didn't steal anything. (Points to Mac) He stole it.
Mac: Technically, I am the one that stole it.
Charlie: It was his family tradition, going around stealing-
Mac: I feel like we're getting off topic here. Ricky, obviously you're in some kind of a rut. I can tell by your clothes, and you don't look good.
Ricky Falcone: I'm not in a rut.
Mac: Listen, bro. Why don't you just take the apology, stop being so hard on yourself?
"I don't think he's going to take the apology. Clearly, he looks like he's going to kick your ass for stealing his Omnibot. If someone took something valuable from me, I'd be pissed off." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Sensing that Ricky is losing the Christmas spirit, Mac and Charlie head down to the mall to get Ricky some new clothes and the hottest-selling toy.
Mac: Excuse me, sir. Hi. Uh, what is the hottest-selling toy item that you have in this store right now?
Toy Store Clerk (Played by Derek Waters): Actually, the hottest-selling item right now is Redman the Robot.
Charlie: Are you serious?
Mac: Redman the Robot?
Charlie: That's what the kids are into?
Mac: Shit don't change!
Charlie: All right!
Mac: Shit don't change!
"Redman the Robot being the hottest-selling toy? I thought the Xbox 360 was something that the kids are into." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) They try to get a Redman the Robot toy, but the creator of Drunk History tells them that they're sold out, which ticks off Mac and he tries to start something with the toy clerk.
Mac: Right. So, okay. So hold on a second. You're telling me that if Mike Schnmidt were to walk in here right now and say, "Hey, get me a Redman the Robot," you'd say, "I'm sorry. We're all out. We're sold out, Mike"?
Toy Store Clerk: Who is Mike Schmidt?
Mac: Who's Mike Schmidt!
Charlie: Bro, have some respect here, man. What are you talkin' about?
Toy Store Clerk: I don't know who Mike Schmidt is.
Mac: You've never heard of Mike Schmidt?
"I'm with Mac on this one. How can anyone not heard of Mike Schmidt? He's like the greatest baseball player of all time in the Philadelphia Phillies. It's like somebody not knowing who Ken Griffey Jr. is and every Reds fan would be highly offended." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) I just love Mac's little rant here. You can tell how passionate he is about his baseball.
Mac: Next you're gonna tell me you don't know who Von Hayes is or Steve "Bedrock" Bedrosian. I don't buy it, bitch!
"Man, imagine if that guy says that he doesn't know who Chase Utley is. Mac would definitely murder that guy. You don't mess with Mac and his love for Utley." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Charlie drags Mac out of the toy store before he kills the toy clerk. But don't worry, things couldn't possibly get any worse.
(The bell tolls as Charlie stops dead in his tracks and sees the mall's Santa)
"Ohhhhh shit." Sean said.
(Charlie approaches the mall Santa)
Santa in Mall (Played by Donovan Scott): Well, hello, and merry Christmas. So, where's your little one. (As Charlie sits on his lap) Ooh! (Laughing) Oh, you're a big boy, aren't you? (Laughing)/So, son, what would you like for Christmas, huh?
Charlie: Did you fuck my mom?
"And we get our first uncensored use of the f-word. And Charlie unleashes a Category 5 f-bomb. And right in front of the children, too." Sean said.
Charlie: Did you fuck my mom?/Did you fuck... my... mom?/Did you fuck my mom, Santa Claus? Did you fuck my mom? Diid you fuck her? Did you fuck my fucking mom? Did you fuck my mom, Santa?!
"When they showed the edited version of the special, the line Charlie says is much more funny." Sean said.
(A clip from the edited version of "A Very Sunny Christmas" is shown)
Charlie: Did you sex my mom?
(Cut back to the scene)
Charlie: Did you fuck my mom, Santa?!
(Charlie bites the mall Santa in the neck)
Santa in Mall: (Screams) He's biting my neck!
"I don't know which image is more gruesome, Charlie biting the mall Santa on the neck or The Penguin biting that dude's nose in Batman Returns." Sean said as the two mentioned images are shown.
Sean: (Narrating) Mac drags Charlie off of the mall Santa while the kids watch in horror. Hell, Mac ends up hitting a mother in the face with his elbow. And the scene ends with a little girl crying. Way to kill that poor child's Christmas, Charlie! Man, this looks like footage from the Vietnam War.
(Cut back to the scene where Charlie bites Santa's neck, attacking him and Mac hitting the mother, with shots of the children screaming, followed by a shot of the little blonde-haired girl crying while "The End" by The Doors plays in the background. Then, a clip from Apocalypse Now is shown)
Colonel Kurtz (Played by Marlon Brando): The horror. The horror.
Sean: (Narrating) Later, Dennis and Dee take Frank to the cemetary to show him his future, which is an empty grave. But, Frank is not going to change the error of his ways because he's not going to be buried in a grave and Dennis and Dee had enough of his selfishness.
Dee: You know what? Just change now. Okay?
Dennis: It's time for you to change, okay?
Dee: It's time for that now.
Dennis: We did the Christmas past. We did the old man ghost. We did the grave thing.
Dee: Here we are.
Dennis: Now it's time for you to change and give us reparations. You give us reparations, and cars, and Lamborghinis, and goddamn money! You son of a bitch!
Dee: And purses!
Frank: Aha! That's what this is all about, right?
Dennis and Dee: Yeah!
Frank: You don't give a shit whether I change or not, do you? Huh? It's all about you- what you want. Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme! Well, you're never gonna learn your lesson, Dennis. You're never gonna learn, Deandra.
Dennis: Oh, screw your goddamn lesson! You piece of shit!
Frank: Yeah? I'm out of here.
Dee: Who gives a shit about your lesson. Just stop ruining Christmas... for us!
(Frank walks away and leaves)
Eugene Hamilton: I didn't think that I would still be involved at this point.
"You didn't do jack shit, Lebowski!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Later, The Gang meets back up at Paddy's to complain about what a lousy Christmas this is.
Mac: Christmas is just a bunch of bullshit. You just find out that your dad stole all your presents and that your mom gets fucked by a series of never-ending Santa Clauses. Charlie's mom is a prostitute, by the way.
Charlie: We don't know that for sure, okay?
Mac: We know it for sure. Let's just move past it, accept it and go.
"Yeah, Charlie. Why do you think you bit Santa?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Charlie receives a call from the hospital and breaks the news to them that Frank is dead. So, they head down to the hospital to identify his body, but it turns out that he's still alive after he got into a car accident. He tells them that he had a vision, and we get a little claymation land parody of Rankin-Bass Christmas specials.
Elf: I heard you've been a grumpy-gussy Christmas grouch.
Frank: Yeah? So what?
Elf: Well, you need to get the Christmas spirit.
Frank: I don't need to listen to this shit. Where the hell is my Countach? I'm gettin' outta here.
Elf: Coun... tach?
Frank: Yeah. It's a Lamborghini, shit-bird. You ever heard of one?
(The Elf spits on Frank)
Frank: What the hell was that, you little green bitch?
"Boy, Hermy the Elf takes Christmas way too seriously." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We then get a hilarious musical number, and it gets brutal where it shows The Gang murdering Frank and him getting burned by the California Raisins. And after that musical number with some pretty good claymation, Frank tells them that he's a changed man and he wants another chance to give them the best Christmas. So, instead The Gang leaves the hospital so they can give themselves a good Christmas.
Frank: What about me?
Dennis: Oh, you go fuck yourself in your fat fuckin' ass.
Sean starts cracking up from Dennis' line. "Well, there you go, ladies and gentlemen. The best use of the f-bomb. Just wait until they use the f-word uncensored in later seasons."
Sean: (Narrating) The Gang give themselves a good Christmas by going over to Ricky Falcone's house at 4 AM, and you know how people are in Philly when they hear noises from outside. They start shouting at you.
Ricky Falcone: Hey! Shut up!
(The Gang stops singing)
Ricky Falcone: What the hell do you want?
Mac: We want to give you some Christmas cheer. (Points to the shirt that Dee's wearing) A-And a new shirt!
Charlie: Yeah! I got you a shirt! Now, I got a little blood on that, but it's cool. It's gonna wash out. You're gonna look sharp.
Ricky Falcone: I don't want your stupid shirt.
Mac: Ricky, do yourself a favor. Take the shirt, get out of that rut.
Angry Woman: Hey! Shut the hell up down there!
Dennis: Hey! You shut the hell up up there!
Angry Man: Hey, jerk-off! Don't make me come down there!
Charlie: Yo! Come on down here! See what happens! I'll bite you right in the neck! Okay, bitch?
"Bad idea. Singing Christmas carols to your neighbors in Philly on Christmas Day." Sean said, imitating Tom Bodett from Animaniacs.
Mac: You're gonna get it anyway! Keep singin'!
(The Gang continues to sing "O Holy Night")
Ricky Falcone: Here's your blood, bitch!
(Ricky and the angry neighbors start throwing stuff at The Gang while they're singing. Suddenly, Dennis' Range Rover gets towed as they chase after the tow truck while Dennis just stands there. The screen cuts to black and the words "The End" are shown)
Sean: (V/O as Narrator) The end.
Sean: (Narrating) After that failure, The Gang returns to the bar, only to find that Frank has decked the entire bar with decorations and he bought them all presents to prove to them that he's a changed man.
Mac: Are all these presents for us?
Frank: Yep. They're all for you.
Dee: Fake-out?
Frank: No. No fake-outs. That's yours, hon. And I'm gonna pay for the dry-cleaning for the Cheesy Loops and malt balls.
(Mac squeals in enjoyment after him and Charlie open their gift)
Mac: Redman the Robot! You got me Redman the Robot! Redman the Robot!
Charlie: We tried to buy it in the store and the guy said it was all sold out! We wanted to buy one for Ricky Falcone, but it was all sold out!
Frank: I got the last one. I bought the last one!
Charlie: Should we give it to Ricky Falcone?
Mac: No, let's keep it.
(Mac and Charlie both laugh)
Charlie: Woo-hoo! Whoo!
Frank: Dennis.
Dennis: What?
Frank: (Holds out the keys to the Lamborghini) For you.
Dennis: What do you mean?
Frank: This is yours. Read it.
Dennis: This is a Lamborghini.
Frank: Yeah. Countach. It's for you.
"Come on, Frank. Don't you know that Dennis is a Range Rover guy? But then again, he's definitely gonna need the Countach since they towed his Range Rover. Who tows on Christmas anyway?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, turns out that Frank is a changed man. And they have the best Christmas ever. Well, except for people like Eugene, who pulls out a gun, and he's still livid about Frank screwing him out of millions of dollars.
Eugene Hamilton: You stole a lot of money from me. You wrecked my career. You left me all alone to rot in a shit-hole apartment. Now it's time for payback! Now, put all those presents right here in front of me.
Dee: What?
Charlie: These ones? No! Oh, man!
Dee: Why us too? Why not just-
Charlie: Come on! Oh, man! I don't even know you, dude.
(Charlie and Dee sit their gifts in front of Eugene)
Eugene Hamilton: Put the keys here too. I'm taking the car.
(Dennis groans and throws the keys down on the floor)
Dee: What happened to all the God stuff?
Dennis: I thought you had changed.
Eugene Hamilton: I'm still a liar and a thief.
"Damn, Santa Claus is a real dick. Holly jolly, my ass." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Now, I want to leave you all with a memory of this wonderful yuletide season. Ah! How about... a white Christmas?
(Eugene starts up the snowblower, but it doesn't start up)
Frank: Oh, you dumb bastard. That thing is broken. That ain't gonna work.
Mac: Yeah, it's from the '70s, dick. It's not gonna work.
Dennis: Really loud though.
Dee: Yeah. Are you sure it doesn't work?
Mac: Yeah, there's a whole bunch more tweaks we had to do to it. Plus, you gotta hook it up to a water line-
(The snowblower starts as it blows The Gang and Frank backwards Eugene laughs, all while "White Christmas" by Bing Crosby plays and the whole scene is in slow motion)
"Fun fact: Charlie Day actually suffered from bruised ribs and injured his back from doing this stunt." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, so much for a Merry Christmas, as it turns out that Eugene stole all of their gifts. Well, at least they spend some time throwing rocks at trains. And the special ends with Mac and Charlie throwing rocks at trains while they were kids.
Young Charlie (Played by Robbie Tucker): Watch this one!
(Mac and Charlie continue to throw rocks at trains)
Young Mac: Merry Christmas, buddy.
Young Charlie: Merry Christmas.
"And that was A Very Sunny Christmas, and man, is it funny as hell." Sean said.
(Clips from the special are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) What can I say about this special? This is It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia at it's best. You have some great humor and some hilarious writing. Sometimes, it could be offensive, but it has some heart to it. Props to the cast and crew for working on this special. If you're a fan of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, then this is the one for you. A Very Sunny Christmas comes in at 5 Lamborghinis out of 5.
"I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Merry Christmas, bitches!
And that was the newest chapter of The Mayhem Critic. So, what did you think of the review of A Very Sunny Christmas and what did you think of the Christmas special? Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean reviews the 1994 Christmas classic The Santa Clause. Does the film hold up for nearly 30 years or is it a big lump of coal in someone's stocking? Then after the review of The Santa Clause, it's the review of Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas. God help us. Don't forget to review the new chapter, add this story to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Also, if you would like to do a co-review with me or if you have any requests for a movie or a TV show for me to review, then feel free to PM me, if you're interested. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.