The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to another fun and hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic as Mayhem Critic Christmas Month continues. Previously, Sean reviewed the It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Christmas special titled A Very Sunny Christmas and got a good laugh from reviewing it. Today, Sean the Mayhem Critic is going to review the 1994 family comedy The Santa Clause, starring the "Tool Man" himself, Tim Allen. It's been nearly 30 years after the smash-hit comedy hit theaters and now it's time to see if it still holds up. So sit back, relax and grab yourself a cup of hot cocoa. Here's the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights and references belong to their respective sources. The Santa Clause is owned by Walt Disney Pictures, Hollywood Pictures and Outlaw Productions.
Episode 201
The Santa Clause
(We open with the traditional Mayhem Critic intro. After the intro ends, we open with our favorite residential movie critic Sean J. Archer a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting on his couch as he prepares to start his introduction)
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. And seeing how we're still in the middle of Mayhem Critic Christmas Month and that I've reviewed a bad Christmas movie and a funny Christmas special, I wonder what I'm going to be talking about next." Sean said.
The young critic looks down at his coffee table and sees a wrapped DVD in Grinch wrapping paper and topped off with a blue bow. He looked at it for a moment before looking at the camera.
"Oh, I wonder what I'm about to review next." Sean said in a sarcastic tone. "Well, let's not waste any time and open it."
Sean begins to unwrap his gift and as he finished, he looked up at the camera and smiled.
"Oh, yeah. Today is going to be a great day. Ho-ho-ho!" Sean said in his Tim Taylor voice while holding up a DVD copy of The Santa Clause.
(The title screen for "The Santa Clause" is shown, followed by clips from the movie are shown while the song "Christmas Will Return" by Brenda Russell and Howard Hewett plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Now, I know that you're wondering, "Sean, didn't you review Santa Claus four years ago?". Okay, first off: I reviewed Santa Claus: The Movie with David Huddleston and John Lithgow. Second: this is The Santa Clause with "e" at the end of "clause". Man, it's hard to believe that this movie is almost 30 years old. The Santa Clause sounds like one of those movies that sound like a silly idea. Okay, it is, but it worked so comedically. It's a film that's not as perfect but the humor of Tim Allen, the fantastic directing by John Pasquin, hilarious cast, great writing and amazing make-up effects helped the film stand out years later. And I'm not kidding about the make-up effects, when I saw the movie when I was young and when I saw Tim Allen transform into Santa Claus, I laughed my butt off. This was released the same year as the fourth season of Home Improvement aired and also Tim Allen's book Don't Stand Too Close to a Naked Man. So yeah, you have the #1 movie at the box office, the #1 rated television show on ABC and the #1 New York Times best-selling book in the same year (The text "1994" is shown). Over the years,, the film has become a Christmas-time staple over the years, spawning two sequels and a TV show. Is this movie one of the best movies or will it suck like Christmas with the Kranks? Well, let's take a closer look.
"This is The Santa Clause." Sean said.
(The movie opens at toy company Christmas party, establishing the main character Scott Calvin)
Sean: (Narrating) As the credits roll, we see marketing director Scott Calvin, played by Tim Allen, attending his company's annual Christmas party.
Scott Calvin (Played by Tim Allen): In all seriousness, here at B&R Toys, we're not just about making a profit in quality toys. We're also about families. But our families aren't here with us right now. Which is probably why Johnson's secretary is sitting in his lap.
(We see Johnson, who's dressed as Santa, sitting on a chair while his secretary is sitting in his lap as he gives a thumbs up)
"Yeah, I have a funny feeling that Johnson is boinking his secretary instead of spending Christmas with his family. Only in a kid's movie, folks." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Scott drives home from the Christmas party to call his ex-wife to let her know that he's running late. Only in a kid's movie where you see the main character driving while talking on the cellphone. If this movie was released today and if they have him texting while driving, that would not slide.
(Scott honks the car's horn, pretending to be dealing with an angry driver)
Scott Calvin: Yeah, same to you! And that's not very ladylike!
"Sorry, Laura. I had a run-in with Helen Potts. That kumquat cut me off." Sean said, imitating Scott.
(Cut to a montage of the elves scattered throughout the movie)
Sean: (Narrating) I would like to mention this before I forget, when I watched this movie, I noticed the elves that were scattered throughout the film. You have the little blonde-haired girl walking away from the window at the opening of the movie, you have the little boy putting on his jacket and scarf right when Scott and Charlie enter Denny's and they are led to their table. Yeah, there are elves disguised as normal kids hiding throughout the entire movie.
"When you watch it the first time, you might miss it. But when you rewatch the movie, you'll spot the elves. Which makes you think that they are watching Scott. Boy, I'm sounding like a conspiracy theorist." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Scott arrives home right when his ex-wife Laura, played by Wendy Crewson, and her psychiatrist husband Neil, played by Judge Reinhold, are dropping off his son Charlie, played by Eric Lloyd, so he can spend some time with him on Christmas Eve.
Scott Calvin: You going to your mom's for dinner?
Laura Miller (Played by Wendy Crewson): Actually, we're going to be with Neil's family.
Scott Calvin: Ah! Christmas at the pound. (Imitates a dog howling and a cat hissing and meowing)
Charlie Calvin (Played by Eric Lloyd): There aren't that many presents over there.
Scott Calvin: Well, that's because Santa isn't here yet.
Charlie Calvin: Neil doesn't believe in Santa.
Scott Calvin: Well, Neil's head comes to a point.
"Jeez, Scott. What did Neil do to piss you off? Was it because he was in Gremlins or in Fast Times at Ridgemont High?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Laura tells Scott that Charlie came home crying because a big kid told him that there was no Santa. Boy, sounds like Brad and Randy when they told Mark that Santa died. And also Neil talked to Charlie about Santa being more like a feeling.
Scott Calvin: And who gave you permission to tell Charlie there's no Santa Claus? I think if we're going to destroy our son's illusions, I should be a part of it.
Laura Miller: Yeah, but you're never around, are you, Scott?
Scott Calvin: Oh, oh, oh please.
Laura Miller: Listen, all we are trying to do is give Charlie a firm grasp on reality.
Scott Calvin: That's a good idea. You don't want kids running around using their imaginations.
"I mean, how can they not use their imaginations? Hell, as adults, we use our imaginations, in a naughty way, if you know what I mean." Sean said as he winked at the camera.
Sean: (Narrating) Laura tells Charlie goodbye before she leaves. And fun fact: they cut out a specific scene where Scott mentions a specific phone number.
(Cut to the home video release)
Laura Miller: Here's Neil's mother's number. (Hands Scott the number)
Scott Calvin: 1-800-SPANK-ME? I know that number.
"If you're wondering why they cut this part out on Disney Plus and on DVD releases, it's because that fictional number happens to be a phone sex line. Man, imagine the number of complaints from parents while they're dealing with their children dialing the number and racking up the phone bill." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Laura leaves and now, it's time for Scott to bond with Charlie and he does this by impressing him by cooking a magnificent Christmas feast.
(The fire extinguisher is going off as Scott sprays some on the turkey that he burnt)
Scott Calvin: That is exactly why you want a high-quality fire extinguisher right in the kitchen.
Charlie Calvin: Those flames were really big, Dad.
Scott Calvin: Yeah, turkey's funny that way.
(The turkey gets caught on fire again)
Charlie Calvin: Dad!
(Scott turns around and sees the turkey)
Scott Calvin: 'Ey!
(Scott puts the fire out with the fire extinguisher, covering the turkey with the foam)
Scott Calvin: It's done.
"I'm guessin' that he figured that the oven needed "more power" to cook the turkey fast. And look how it turned out." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Scott and Charlie go to Denny's for Christmas dinner to join the other divorced dads who ruined Christmas dinner. Also, we see one of the elves that I mentioned.
(Scott sees a father with a bandaged hand)
Scott Calvin: Burn the turkey?
(The father with a moustache waves his bandaged hand and chuckles)
"At least this guy knows not to use "more power" to the oven. Poor bastard." Sean said.
Judy the Waitress (Played by Jayne Eastwood): Coffee?
Scott Calvin: No, thank you, Judy. What do you say we start out with cold glasses of delicious seasonal favorite eggnog?
Charlie Calvin: I don't like eggnog.
Judy the Waitress: We're out.
Scott Calvin: Coffee. Decaf.
Judy the Waitress: Mm-hmm.
Charlie Calvin: I'll have chocolate milk, please.
Judy the Waitress: We're out.
Charlie Calvin: Plain milk's fine.
"Is there anything that they don't have at that Denny's? I wonder if they have the Super Slam." Sean said.
Taylor: (V/O as Judy the Waitress) We're out of the Super Slam!
"Damn it!" Sean exclaimed.
(Charlie and Scott look at each other for a moment. Scott looks around with a smile on his face while Charlie stays silent and just stares at him)
Scott Calvin: This is nice.
"This sounds like the perfect Denny's commercial." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After dinner, Scott reads The Night Before Christmas to Charlie until he falls asleep. And right when he leaves, Charlie has a little question to ask his dear 'ol dad.
Charlie Calvin: What's that?
Scott Calvin: What's what?
Charlie Calvin: "A Rose Suchak ladder"?
Scott Calvin: It's not a ladder. I said, "Arose such a clatter." It means, "Came a big noise."
Charlie Calvin: What?
(Scott turns the light back on as he enters Charlie's room)
Scott Calvin: Charlie, "arose" is a word that means "it came," and "clatter" is a big noise. Now, please, go to sleep. Shut your eyes.
"And no more asking questions. God, I'm gonna punch your mother in the face when I see her." Sean said, imitating Scott.
Charlie Calvin: How do reindeer fly? They don't have any wings.
Scott Calvin: Fairy dust.
Charlie Calvin: That's from Peter Pan, Dad.
Scott Calvin: Horns.
Charlie Calvin: Antlers.
Scott Calvin: Whatever. Their antlers give them… You know, there's a slipstream effect. The air goes… They move… They're weightless.
Charlie Calvin: But if Santa's so fat, how did he get down the chimneys?
"You know, I ponder that same question when I was young." Sean said.
Charlie Calvin: But, what about people who don't have fireplaces? How does he get into their house?
"Well, that only works for criminals who dress up as Santa. Just ask the Hood Santa from Friday After Next." Sean said as a picture of the robber Santa from Friday After Next is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) Charlie asks Scott if he believes in Santa and he tells him that he does believe in Santa before he tells him to go to sleep. Later that night, Charlie is awakened by a clatter on the roof and he goes to wake his father up about it.
Charlie Calvin: (Quietly) Dad! Dad!
(Scott wakes up)
Scott Calvin: What?
Charlie Calvin: I heard a clatter!
Scott Calvin: What, Charlie?
(A clattering noise is heard once more)
Charlie Calvin: There! A clatter.
Scott Calvin: Charlie, what're you talking about?
Charlie Calvin: You know, "It came a big noise"? It's coming from outside!
Scott Calvin: Charlie, it's just the wind or something.
"And immediately, you're gonna use the biggest cliché in movie history, thinking that it's the wind but it's probably something else." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Scott hears the noise coming from outside and he heads outside to investigate, only for this to happen.
Scott Calvin: (Yells) Hey, you!
(A man dressed as Santa loses his balance and falls off the roof)
"Boy, this is the darkest episode of Home Improvement that I've seen in my life." Sean said with a shocked look on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) Charlie heads outside and sees that the guy who dropped dead in front of their yard happens to be the actual Santa after he finds his business card and reads that if something happens to him, the reindeer will know what to do. And they end up seeing his sleigh and eight reindeer up on the roof. As for Santa…
(Charlie sees that Santa has magically disappeared, leaving behind his red and white suit)
Charlie Calvin: Dad!
(Charlie runs over to Santa's suit while a stunned Scott is looking at the sleigh, then turns his attention to the suit)
Scott Calvin: Hey!
Charlie Calvin: He disappeared! Whoa!
Scott Calvin: He's naked somewhere.
"Or maybe he vanished like Obi-Wan Kenobi right when Darth Vader struck him down with his lightsaber." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Scott tries to piece things up while Charlie wants him to put the suit on.
Scott Calvin: Reindeer up on the roof. Santa suit laying on the ground. Guy fell. Not my fault. Reindeer on the roof. That is hard to explain.
Charlie Calvin: (Sees something) It's the ladder.
(Scott bumps into a ladder that magically appears)
Scott Calvin: Where the hell'd this come from.
(A clip from Home Improvement is shown)
Brad Taylor (Played by Zachery Ty Bryan): Mom!
Jill Taylor (Played by Patricia Richardson): What?
Brad Taylor: Dad's cussing.
Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor (Played by Tim Allen): I'm not cussing.
Mark Taylor (Played by Taran Noah Smith): He said a bad word.
Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor: It wasn't bad.
Randy Taylor (Played by Jonathan Taylor Thomas): Yeah, he said "hell" and "damn."
Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor: I did not say "damn."
Randy Taylor: Now you did.
(Cut back to the movie as we see Charlie climbing up the ladder)
Charlie Calvin: Look here, Dad. "The Rose Suchak Ladder Company."
Scott Calvin: Huh?
Charlie Calvin: "Out by the roof there's a Rose Suchak ladder."
"I wonder if they sell any Rose Suchak ladders at Menards. I bet those things are expensive as shit." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Charlie climbs up the ladder to check out the reindeer while Scott grabs Santa's suit and heads up on the roof as well.
(One of the reindeer, Comet, farts)
Scott Calvin: (Exclaims in disgust) Easy, Rudolph.
Sean: (V/O as Comet) Who you callin' Rudolph, bitch?
Scott Calvin: Excuse me. Comet.
Sean: (V/O as Comet) I'll kick you in the face with my hoof, you asshole.
Charlie Calvin: These are Santa's reindeer, aren't they?
Scott Calvin: I hope not. These are… (looks at the reindeer) a gift. Probably from the cable company. We're getting the Disney Channel now. Merry Christmas.
"We're also getting HBO and Cinemax as well. Don't be sneaking downstairs to watch Skinemax After Dark." Sean said, imitating Scott.
Sean: (Narrating) Scott says "let's go" to Charlie and immediately gives the order for the reindeer to go to their next destination. And I have to say, for a film made in 1994, the visual effects look a bit dated. Yes, I know that they use some CGI for the effects and some blue screen effects for the film and honestly, it looks okay.
"Also, you get a cameo of…" Sean said.
(We cut to a truck driver, who's played by Jimmy Labriola and a picture of Benny from Home Improvement is shown next to him)
Sean: (Narrating) …of Jim Labriola as a truck driver.
Scott Calvin: (To the truck driver) So, uh, if we go straight on this road and we hit I-94…
(The sleigh flies off while the truck driver watches while he's speechless and couldn't believe his eyes)
"After he told his boss what happened, Benny got fired after his boss didn't believe his story about a guy and his son riding his sleigh. Now, he spends his days hanging out at the hardware store and mooching his friends." Sean said, referencing the character from Home Improvement.
Sean: (Narrating) They land on the rooftop to the next house and Charlie wants his father to go down the chimney and deliver the toys.
Scott Calvin: You want me to take the toys down the chimney into a strange house in my underwear?
Charlie Calvin: No. You got to put the suit on first.
(Comet nods his head)
Scott Calvin: You know what we're gonna do, is we're gonna get out of here because this whole thing is stupid.
Charlie Calvin: How come everything I want to do is stupid.
"Because you're a little kid. That's why." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Scott gives in and he pleases Charlie by putting on the suit and play Santa for just a bit.
Scott Calvin: Well, how do I look? Nice?
Charlie Calvin: You forgot the sash.
Scott Calvin: You're right. This completes the ensemble.
"Let's not forget the beard, the hat and you lookin' chubby. Now, that's the Santa look." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Scott heads down the chimney to deliver the gifts and now the fun begins.
(A dog enters the room and sees Scott. Scott spots the dog and smiles at it)
Scott Calvin: Nice teeth.
(The dog barks at Scott. Scott makes a run for the window)
Man: Who's down there?
(The alarm blares right when Scott tries to open the window. He runs away from the window, but gets cornered by the dog and he backs away to the chimney)
Scott Calvin: It's the holidays. Come on, come on. Woo-hoo.
(Suddenly, the man of the house shoots at Scott)
"Apparently, one of the homes he entered happened to be owned by Ted Nugent." Sean said.
(Scott is sucked back out of the chimney and he's floating up in the air by the bag)
Charlie Calvin: Whoa! How'd you do that? What'd it feel like, Dad?
Scott Calvin: It felt like America's Most Wanted!
"Oh, please. We've all seen your mugshot, dude." Sean said as a picture of Tim Allen's mugshot from 1978 after he was arrested on a cocaine charge was shown next to him.
Sean: (Narrating) They head to the next house and after getting growled at by Comet, Scott goes down a tiny chimney and ends up waking up a curious yet adorable little girl. And for him to be a dick towards her.
Sarah the Little Girl (Played by Melissa King): Santa?
Scott Calvin: Scott Calvin.
Sarah the Little Girl: How come your clothes are so baggy?
Scott Calvin: Because Santa is watching saturated fats.
Sarah the Little Girl: How come you don't have a beard?
Scott Calvin: Because I shaved! (Holds the doll up) Do you want this doll or not? Go back to sleep.
"Damn. And I thought the Higbee's Santa from A Christmas Story 2 was a real dick." Sean said.
Sarah the Little Girl: (After seeing Scott not drinking the glass of milk) You're supposed to drink the milk.
Scott Calvin: Look, I am lactose intolerant. And I am just about this close to taking all those presents back up the chimney with me. (Eats the celery stick while walks back to the chimney and does a mocking tone) "Supposed to drink the milk"!
"Years later, that little girl will grow up to accuse Tim Allen of "bad behavior" on the set of The Santa Clauses." Sean said, referring to Casey Wilson's feud with Tim Allen.
(Cut to Scott flying the sleigh as he goes to his next destination)
Scott Calvin: Charlie, look at the clouds over here. Aren't they pretty? (He turns around and sees that Charlie is not sitting next to him, thinking that he fell off of the sleigh) Charlie!
(Charlie giggles as Scott looks at the back of the sleigh and sees Charlie playing with a puppy)
"How the hell was a puppy inside an empty void of a bag and Charlie suddenly finds it and nobody's at least bit concerned here?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Scott and Charlie arrive at the North Pole, where the reindeer just leave them out in the cold, until one of the elves show up to give them the proper North Pole greeting.
(The elf makes a pole rise up from out of the snow, then just stands there with his arms crossed while looking at Scott and Charlie)
Scott Calvin: (To Charlie) What's that?
Charlie Calvin: I don't know. I think it's the North Pole.
Scott Calvin: That's the North Pole?
"I would've expected something else. I thought we were in Disneyland." Sean said, imitating Scott.
Scott Calvin: Hey, buddy, we need some help. Hello! What are you doing?
(The elf types in the code to send the sleigh down to Santa's workshop)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, joy. Not only the elves can keep an eye on you outside of the North Pole, they even resort to kidnapping. Hell, they even look excited to see the new Santa that they've kidnapped. Pointy-eared little bastards.
Scott Calvin: Hey, kid, kid. Kid, who's in charge here?
Larry the Elf (Played by Joshua Stock): (Chuckling) You are. And I'm not a kid. I have pointy shoes that are older than you. I'm an elf.
"Really, kid. That dude is 40 years old and he's still older than you." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Question: did any of the elves give a crap about the last Santa? The dude fell to his death, man! At least say a few words about the poor guy. Does this shit happen all the time?
Bernard (Played by David Krumholtz): Hey! Who's causing all the trouble around here?
Scott Calvin: (Points to the elf): She is.
Elf in Hangar (Played by Azura Bates): (Points to Scott) He is.
Sean: (Narrating) He meets the head elf named Barnum…
Bernard (Played by David Krumholtz): Bernard.
Sean: (Narrating) Whatever. Bernard, the head elf, played by David Krumholtz, who explains to him about the other Santa and he meets Charlie and gives him a magical snowglobe to keep that would be very handy later on in the film.
Bernard: Did you or did you not read the card?
Scott Calvin: Yeah, I read the card.
Bernard: Then, you're the new Santa. In putting on the hat and jacket, you accepted the contract.
Scott Calvin: What contract?
Bernard: The card in the Santa suit. You said you read it, right? So when you put on the suit, you fell subject to the Santa Clause.
"Hey! He said it! He said the name of the movie." Sean exclaimed as he points directly at the camera.
Bernard: You got the card?
(Scott hands Bernard the card)
Bernard: Okay, look. (Holds the card underneath a magnifying glass) The Santa Clause, "In putting on this suit and entering the sleigh, the wearer waives any and all rights to any previous identity, real or implied, and fully accepts the duties and responsibilities of Santa Claus in perpetuity until such time that the wearer becomes unable to do so by either accident or design."
Scott Calvin: What does that mean?
Bernard: It means you put on the suit, you're the big guy.
Scott Calvin: That's ridiculous. I didn't put on a suit just to…
Bernard: (Shouts) Try to understand this!
(The other elves ooh)
"You just made the head elf yell at you. Nobody makes the head elf yell and gets away with it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Barney…
Bernard: Bernard!
Sean: (Narrating) Whatever. Does some more explaining to Scott by telling him that he leaves tomorrow morning and that he has 11 months to get his affairs in order and that he's due back on Thanksgiving and he'll ship the list to his house.
Scott Calvin: What list?
Bernard: Come on, now. The list.
(Scott gives Bernard a confused look)
Bernard: (Sings) He's making a list…
Charlie Calvin: (Sings) Checking it twice…
Other Elves: (Sings) He's gonna find out who's naughty or nice….
"Santa Claus is coming to the Lakeside Mall." Sean sang. "Oh, wait. This isn't Married… With Children. Sorry about that. That song is catchy as hell."
Scott Calvin: What if I don't wanna do this?
Bernard: Don't even kid about a thing like that!
Scott Calvin: Why not? What if I don't buy into this Santa Claus thing? What if I choose not to believe it?
(Silence fills the workshop as all of the elves look at Scott)
"I think you've offended them, buddy. Elves don't take kindly to what you'll say and this is one of them." Sean said.
Bernard: Then there would be millions of disappointed children around the world. You see, children hold the spirit of Christmas within their hearts. You wouldn't want to be responsible for killing the spirit of Christmas, now, would you, Santa?
"Now, that's one head elf who's passionate about Christmas." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After Barabas leaves…
Bernard: Bernard!
Sean: (Narrating) Whatever. Scott meets an elf named Judy, played by Paige Tamada, who takes him to his room. Also, I love the little Home Improvement reference right here where he hits his head.
(Scott hits his head on the door. Then, a clip from Home Improvement is shown where we see Tim hitting his head on a pipe)
"I just love that little nod to Home Improvement, since you have Tim Allen and John Pasquin involved in the film." Sean said. "Plus, you could play those two scenes back to back, it would make it extremely funny."
(The two mentioned scenes are shown back to back)
Sean: (Narrating) Scott changes into his snazzy-new silk pajamas and Judy offers him a nice cup of hot cocoa that she made for him.
Judy (Played by Paige Tamada): My own recipe. Took me 1,200 years to get it right.
Scott Calvin: 1,200 years?
Judy: That's right.
Scott Calvin: You know, I must say, you look pretty good for your age. (Drinks some cocoa)
Judy: Thanks, but I'm seeing someone in wrapping.
(Scott makes an awkward look and swallows his hot cocoa before whispering "okay")
"I don't know what that means, but let's just forget that she ever said that." Sean said.
(Scott walks over to the balcony as he takes in the whole situation)
Judy: You look distressed.
Scott Calvin: Distressed? I'm way past distressed.
Judy: Why's that?
Scott Calvin: I'm talking to an elf! And I stopped believing in Santa Claus a long time ago.
Judy: That's not surprising. Most grownups can't believe in magic. It just sort of grows out of them.
Scott Calvin: Look, you're a nice little elf.
Judy: Thanks.
Scott Calvin: But this is a dream. I mean, this is fabulous. Is that a polar bear directing traffic down there?
(Judy smiles and nods)
Scott Calvin: (Chuckling) I see it, but I don't believe it.
Judy: (Laughs) You're missing the point.
Scott Calvin: What is the point?
Judy: Seeing isn't believing, believing is seeing.
"You know, she's right. One time, I saw a killer snowman going after people. And now he's after me." Sean said.
(Scott climbs into bed and sees Charlie sleeping)
Sean: (V/O as Charlie) Thanks for a great Christmas, Dad. (V/O as Scott) No, problem, sport. Let's just wake up from this dream and hope that it's not real.
(The next morning, Scott wakes up in his own room)
Sean: (Narrating) The next morning, Scott wakes up in his own bed and back in his own house and he's feeling a bit confused, wondering if it was real or if it was a dream. Then, it becomes real when he wakes up in the pajamas that Judy gave him and heads outside to find the dead Santa, but he's not there. Which means, everything that happened last night, happened.
Scott Calvin: (Reads the initials on the pajamas) S.C.?
Charlie Calvin: Yeah, Santa Claus. Hey. Same initials as your name, Dad. Scott Calvin.
Scott Calvin: What?
"Come on! There's no way that this man is Santa Claus. He hosts Tool Time, for cryin' out loud." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Laura arrives to pick up Charlie and she notices Scott's pajamas and Charlie tells her about their trip to the North Pole, but Scott shrugs it off by saying it's a really strange dream and that he must've told him about it, then he talks to Charlie about it.
Scott Calvin: About what you said in the house. Who showed you the workshop?
Charlie Calvin: The elf.
Scott Calvin: How'd I get the pajamas?
Charlie Calvin: I told you. Judy.
Scott Calvin: Oh, wait, wait. Judy was the name of the waitress at the restaurant last night.
Laura Miller: Some waitress gave you pajamas?
Dr. Neil Miller (Played by Judge Reinhold) What's this all about?
Charlie Calvin: Dad took me to the North Pole, and Larry showed me the workshop.
Dr. Neil Miller: The North Pole!
Charlie Calvin: Yeah. Dad's the new Santa. The regular Santa fell off the roof and Dad put on the suit.
"Yeah, I might've gave him too much milk and cookies before he went to bed. You know how kids are. They tend to imagine shit." Sean said, imitating Scott.
Scott Calvin: It's just a dream. Stuff like that doesn't happen. It was a dream. Come on! I don't even wear pajamas. Normally I sleep naked. Buck naked! Ha!
(Suddenly embarrassed, to a woman walking down his sidewalk with her daughter)
Scott Calvin: Good morning, Mrs. McGloin. Mary Catherine.
Mrs. McGloin: Eyes front, Mary Catherine!
Scott Calvin: Sometimes in boxer shorts. You know. (Chuckles)
"Nice job, Scott. Now the whole neighborhood knows that you like to sleep naked. Nobody wants to know that you like to free-ball in bed." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, it's career day at Charlie's school, as Charlie introduces his dad to the class and what he does. But instead, he tells them that he's Santa Claus after recalling the events of what happened.
Scott Calvin: I think what he means is, I'm like Santa Claus. We're both giving, we're both jolly, and we both work very hard one day a year. (Chuckles) Oh, boy!
Charlie Calvin: That's not what I mean, Dad. Look, on Christmas Eve, my dad pushed Santa off the roof.
"Oookay. Can somebody get this kid out of here? He's losing his mind." Sean said.
(One of the students raises their hand)
Scott Calvin: Yes, sweetheart?
Student: Do you make the toys?
Bobby (Played by Zachary McLemore): No, stupid! The elves do.
Ms. Daniels (Played by Mary Gross): Bobby, we don't say "stupid," and we don't say "elves." They're "little people."
Charlie Calvin: No, but they really are elves.
Ms. Daniels: Whatever, honey.
Bobby: So, let me get this straight, Santa. You mean, when I grow up, if I wanna be Santa Claus, all I gotta do is push you off a roof?
"Yeah, better stay away from that kid's house on Christmas. He might try to murder you." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Scott, Laura and Neil are sent to the principal's office to talk about Charlie, which concerns him because of the whole Santa Claus thing and Scott acts like a smarmy asshole throughout the whole discussion.
Dr. Neil Miller: Scott, what was the last thing you and Charlie did before you went to bed Christmas Eve?
Scott Calvin: (Sarcastically) We shared a bowl of sugar, did some shots of brown liquor, played with my shotguns, field dressed a cat, looked for women. (Honestly) I read him a book!
Dr. Neil Miller: What book?
Scott Calvin: (Sarcastically): Uh, Hollywood Wives. (Honestly) The Night Before Christmas, folks. Come on!
"He's such a dick." Sean chucked.
Sean: (Narrating) Scott tells Charlie that the events that happened, did not happen and it was not real, but Charlie believes that the whole thing is real and that his dad is Santa Claus. Hell, he even takes things too far by pretending that he's riding a sleigh in his room. Also, you can see that Scott is gaining a bit of weight. And I'll talk about the make-up effects later. But right now, we cut to one of my favorite scenes from the movie that tend to make me laugh.
Dr. Neil Miller: How can one man, in one night, visit all the children of the world?
Charlie Calvin: Not everyone celebrates Christmas. And I think there's some sort of time continuum that breaks down once Santa's in his sleigh.
Dr. Neil Miller: What about fireplaces? A lot of people don't have them. How does Santa visit those people?
Charlie Calvin: He turns into Jell-O and… (Slurping) The fireplace kind of appears and he goes through it like this.
Dr. Neil Miller: What about the reindeer? Have you ever seen a reindeer fly?
Charlie Calvin: Yes.
Dr. Neil Miller: Well, I haven't.
Charlie Calvin: Have you ever seen a million dollars?
Dr. Neil Miller: No.
Charlie Calvin: Just because you can't see something, doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
"I think Charlie is channeling his father right there." Sean chuckled a bit.
Dr. Neil Miller: Scott, can I have a moment?
Scott Calvin: Sure.
Dr. Neil Miller: I think Charlie is conflicted at the moment.
Scott Calvin: (Sarcastically) Wow. Really? (Whistles) Boy. Hmm. Appreciate your analysis, I really do. Boy, you got more important things to worry about, you know. Like, where are you gonna get more sweaters after the circus pulls out of town?
(A clip from Easy A is shown)
Olive Penderghast (Played by Emma Stone): Ooh, burn!
Sean: (Narrating) Scott takes Charlie out for a walk to have a little man-to-man talk and he tries to break the news to him that the whole Santa Clause thing isn't real, but he couldn't bear to destroy his enthusiasm about the North Pole and wants him to keep it a secret.
Charlie Calvin: How come?
Scott Calvin: Because of Mom and Neil. Not just because of them. There's school. Everybody thinks... No, it's not important what they think. It... How does five bucks sound to ya? This is something I really want you to do for me, sport. I want to keep this secret. Will ya do that, please?
Charlie Calvin: Okay, Dad.
"Ah, isn't that nice? Nothing better than giving your kid five bucks to keep his mouth shut behind his mom and stepfather. Yeah, that Father of the Year award is looking nice right about now." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The next morning, Scott wakes up and heads to the bathroom, only to find some changes to his body.
(Scott closes the bathroom cabinet and sees himself in the mirror. He screams after he sees that he's growing a beard)
"Oh, my God! He's turning into Bob Villa!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, after putting on the suit and becoming the new Santa, Scott now sports a beard, and he looks like he should lay off the milk and cookies because he's putting on a couple of pounds. And for a film that's almost 30 years old, the make-up effects look pretty good. From what I've read, Tim Allen underwent 4-5 hours of makeup and prosthetic applications to transform into Santa. And since they filmed this movie in the middle of summer, Allen wore multiple fat suits during filming, and he would experience heat rashes, scars, scratches, and infections from the latex. Plus, there was a time limit on how long he could be in the suit.
Susan (Played by Judith Scott): (To the waiter) I'll have a field green salad and... (Notices Scott's appearance) Oh, my God.
Sean: (Narrating) He arrives at a lunch meeting at his job and his boss Mr. Whittle, played by Peter Boyle, and his co-workers are stunned by his appearance.
Mr. Whittle (Played by Peter Boyle): God. Your... Your weight. What happened?
Scott Calvin: Bee sting. Evidently, I'm allergic. Almost killed me.
"It was one of the bees from The Swarm that can make you hallucinate from seeing a giant bee. But otherwise, I'm fine." Sean said, imitating Scott.
Scott Calvin: So, did I miss anything?
Ad Executive (Played by Jesse Collins): No, we were just about to order lunch.
Scott Calvin: Great! I'm starving.
Susan: (To the waiter) I'll have a salad and ice tea and dressing on the side.
Mr. Whittle: Uh, pasta and tomatoes and very light on the oil. Can you do that?
Scott Calvin: And I'll have a Caesar. No dressing. And one of those homemade cookies, the warm chocolate chip. No nuts. And a little slice of cheesecake, creme brulee, and hot fudge sundae, extra hot fudge. On the side.
Waiter (Played by Daevyd Avalon): Anything to drink?
Scott Calvin: Ice-cold milk.
"Um, now that he's done ordering his food, I would like to order mine. I would like a porterhouse steak, well done, with asparagus and lobster mac and cheese. Also, can I get a slice of cherry cheesecake and a Pepsi, please?" Sean asked, imitating one of the ad executives.
"I'll have the beer-battered fish, with a side of steak fries and an Arnold Palmer." Brian said, imitating the other ad executive.
Sean: (Narrating) After Scott finishes his big meal, one of the ad executive present the new toy for the holiday season, which the ad involves Santa driving around in a tank, and Scott ends up losing his shit from the sight of Santa in a tank.
Scott Calvin: Wait a minute! No way! No way Santa's going anywhere without his sleigh.
Ad Executive: He would if he's trying to sell the Total Tank.
Scott Calvin: Well, isn't that a pretty picture? Santa rolling down the block in a panzer. Well, kids, I certainly hope you've been good this year. 'Cause it looks like Santa just took out the Pearson home. Incoming!
"Okay, Santa driving around in a tank and blowing stuff up would be an awesome thing to see. But then again, you have David Harbour as Santa Claus fighting terrorists. So, that's awesome too." Sean said, referring to the film Violent Night.
Sean: (Narrating) Mr. Whittle tells Scott to get some help after that little meltdown. So, he goes to see a doctor to find out what's going on with him while he's sporting a beard that makes him look like George Zimmer.
Dr. Novos (Played by Steve Vinovich): I don't know, Scott. You're as healthy as a horse.
Scott Calvin: Yeah. Clydesdale.
Dr. Novos: Okay, look. So, what? You put on a little weight.
Scott Calvin: A little weight? (Shakes his belly) Does this look like a little weight to you?
"I mean, in all seriousness, you are starting to look like Nikocado Avocado." Sean said.
Scott Calvin: How fast does hair grow? Facial hair?
Dr. Novos: What?
Scott Calvin: I shave in the morning and in the afternoon, I look like this.
Dr. Novos: Well, it could be a hormonal imbalance.
Scott Calvin: That would explain the mood swings.
"No, that's a woman experiencing pregnancy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Later, Scott is watching Charlie at his soccer game until a little girl approaches him and I get a good laugh from this scene.
(The little girl taps Scott on his shoulder)
Scott Calvin: (After he turns around) What?
Ballet Girl (Played by Tabitha Lupien): I want some ballet slippers.
"Alright, somebody give Julie from Look Who's Talking Now some ballet slippers." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Laura and Neil arrive just to see the children lined up to see Scott to ask him what they want for Christmas. Yeah, don't you just love how the parents in this park allowing their children to go up to a bearded stranger and sit on his lap with NO supervision. I mean, come on! He could be a molester, for Christ's sake.
Dr. Neil Miller: Scott, I think it's safe to say you're taking this Santa thing to an unhealthy level. (Pulls out his wallet and hands Scott his car) Here's my card. Call me.
Laura Miller: Scott, I really have to tell you that this is beginning to scare me. I never in my wildest… Well, no, okay, maybe my wildest… But certainly never in my normal dreams… But then this is Scott we're talking about.
"This woman dealt with Russian terrorists holding her and her daughter hostage, she can't deal with her ex-husband being Santa?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, Laura and Neil aren't too happy with this whole situation. But enough about that, as Scott gets some packages sent to him and it's the list that Bernard shipped to him.
(Scott looks at the list of names that start with "A")
Scott Calvin: "Armand Assante"? Yo!
Sean: (V/O as Scott) Why is Armand Assante's name on this list? I didn't even care for him as the villain in Judge Dredd! Come on! This is bullshit!
"Hell, I wonder if Charlie Sheen's name is on the list." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After assuming that Scott is deliberately misleading Charlie, Laura and Neil decide to go to court to have a judge suspend his visitation rights. What am I watching Mrs. Doubtfire here? What is with divorced mothers suspending a father's visitation rights to their children? But in all honesty, I do like this little scene right here as we learn why Laura and Neil stopped believing in Santa Claus.
Laura Miller: I wrote Santa a letter every week that year. Well, okay. You know, maybe… Maybe not every week. Boy, I really wanted a Mystery Date Game. Do you remember those? No. Of course you don't. You know, no one does. I don't even think they make them anymore, but… Well, anyway… Christmas morning came and… Oh, I got dozens of presents. I got everything. Except Mystery Date.
Dr. Neil Miller: I was three, and it was an Oscar Mayer wienie whistle. Christmas came. No wienie whistle.
"Now, you're probably thinking, there's no real villain in the movie and you're also thinking that Laura and Neil are the villains. They're not." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) You can see why they stopped believe in Santa and they're skeptical about the whole Santa thing from Scott and not believing that he's Santa and Charlie telling them that he's the new Santa and the North Pole is real. But then again, Charlie blows it when he reveals everything to the judge and the judge suspends Scott's visitation rights and grants Neil and Laura custody of Charlie.
(Scott goes over to Laura and Neil's house and sees Charlie having dinner with them)
"Yeah, just looking at this scene makes Scott feel a bit more stalker-ish." Sean said.
(Cut to footage of a horror/thriller trailer recut of The Santa Clause)
Laura Miller: (Answers the phone) Hello?
Scott Calvin: (On the phone) And who gave you permission to tell Charlie there's no Santa Claus? I think if we're gonna destroy our son's illusions, I should be a part of it.
(Cut back to the movie)
Sean: (Narrating) Scott goes over to Laura and Neil's house to see Charlie one last time, but Charlie is desperate to help his dad realize how important the children are around the world because they all believe in Santa.
Dr. Neil Miller: Charlie, listen.
Charlie Calvin: You listen! You think you know who he is. You don't!
Laura Miller: Charlie. Honey, listen. You're confused.
Charlie Calvin: I know exactly who he is.
Dr. Neil Miller: Charlie! He's not Santa.
Charlie Calvin: He is, too, Santa. We went to the North Pole together. I saw it. The elves are real old even though they look like me. Bernard called me sport, 'cause he knew everything. Right, Dad?
"Just give him a moment. He's been taking in too many injuries during Tool Time." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Charlie tosses his magical snow globe over to Scott so he can see it, convincing him that he's Santa. Scott asks Laura and Neil if they could leave him and Charlie alone, which they do. Bernard shows up and the three of them head to the North Pole. Oh, great. Now, Scott is capable of kidnapping his own son. Now, the cops are on the manhunt for him. Meanwhile, Scott and the elves are getting ready for Christmas. Also, I love the bit where Scott asks what happens if he falls off a roof.
Scott Calvin: What happens if I fall off the roof?/But what do I do if I fall off a roof?
"I mean, you gotta give the guy a jetpack or something just in case he falls off a roof. Who am I kidding? He's Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, he can take anything. He can even survive a fall." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Scott prepares to head out to deliver gifts to the children with Charlie by side while we see the cops arresting people dressed as Santa. Also, there's a hidden Mickey Mouse Ears on the moon. Something I just noticed while I was watching the movie. Plus, you get a cameo from the movie's director as the sixth Santa in the police lineup. I thought that was pretty funny.
Charlie Calvin: I gotta show you this. Radar-jamming jingle bells, snow screen, DC-10 alert and air freshener.
Scott Calvin: Wow!
Charlie Calvin: And most important of all, your hat.
Scott Calvin: My hat?
Charlie Calvin: It's lined with a two-way radio. Microphone's in here. It connects you directly to Judy.
"But what happens if I end up falling off a roof?" Sean asked, imitating Scott.
Brian: (V/O as Bernard) WILL YOU SHUT UP ABOUT THE GODDAMN ROOF?!
Sean: (Narrating) Scott stops at the home of the little girl that he was mean to before and she is surprised to see him.
Sarah the Little Girl: You're fatter this year.
Scott Calvin: Thank you very much. You've grown, too.
"Boy, considering the fact that no one is supposed to see Santa, a lot of children do see Santa in this movie." Sean said. "Also, who let's their kid sleep in the living room right by the tree? Are they just waiting for Santa to come down the chimney to get the gifts that they asked for or they'll bust a cap in his holly, jolly ass?"
Sean: (Narrating) Scott and Charlie stop off at Laura and Neil's house and right when he's putting gifts under the tree, the cops ambush him and they arrest him, and right in front of the children too.
Little Girl: Santa? Are you all right?
Little Boy: Santa?
Scott Calvin: It'll be okay, kids.
Little Girl: Let him go! Let Santa go!
"Way to go, pigs. Way to ruin a child's Christmas." Sean said. "Yeah, this kind of reminds me of that Amazing Stories episode Santa '85."
Sean: (Narrating) With the cops arresting Scott and Charlie left up on the roof, Bernard deploys the Effective Liberating Flight Squad, also known as the E.L.F.S. to bust Scott out of jail. Meanwhile, the cops are busy interrogating Scott, by playing the name game with him.
Detective Nunzio (Played by Larry Brandenburg): I say, name. You say, Scott Calvin. Name?
Scott Calvin: Kriss Kringle.
Detective Nunzio: Name?
Scott Calvin: Sinterklaas.
Detective Nunzio: Name?
Scott Calvin: Pere Noel. Babbo Natale. Pelz-Nicole. (Imitates Ed Sullivan) Topo Gigio. (Laughs)
"Okay, I see how it is. You wanna play games, Calvin. Fine. Here's another game that I want to play with you. It's called "Fuck Your Ass Up"." Sean said as he rolled up his sleeves and repeatedly punches at the camera. "YOU SON OF A BITCH! SAY SCOTT CALVIN! SAY SCOTT CALVIN!"
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Charlie, the E.L.F.S. show up to pick him up and to go save Santa by going to the police station and talking to a discount Dennis Franz.
E.L.F.S. Leader (Played by Kenny Vadas): We're looking for Santa Claus.
Desk Sergeant (Played by Gordon Masten): Go home, kids. Visiting hours are over.
E.L.F.S. Leader: We're not kids, and we're not leaving.
Charlie Calvin: We're here to bust out my dad.
Desk Sergeant: You're the Calvin boy.
(Charlie waves at the desk sergeant)
Desk Sergeant: Who are these other kids?
E.L.F.S. Leader: We're your worst nightmare. Elves with attitude.
"Motherfucka!" Sean said, in a thug voice.
Sean: (Narrating) The E.L.F.S. tie the fat cop up with ribbon and they bust Scott out of jail with magical tinsel. Charlie returns to Laura and Neil's safe and sound while Scott prepares to leave, in a scene that gets me all choked up a little every time I watch it.
Scott Calvin: Actually, I… I think it's a much better idea that you stay here with your mom and Neil.
Laura Miller: Really?
Charlie Calvin: But, Dad…
"I'm gonna be on the naughty list and my sister is going to be Leni from The Loud House." Sean said, imitating Charlie while referring to the sequel and Liliana Mumy's character.
Scott Calvin: I can't be with ya all the time. We're a family. You, me, your mom… And Neil. And they need to be with ya, too.
(Charlie hugs his father)
Charlie Calvin: (Sobs) I miss you too much.
Scott Calvin: Come here a minute. Listen to me. Come on, listen. There's a lot of children out there. Okay? Millions of kids. They all believe in me. They're counting on me, Charlie. I'm not gonna let 'em down. I got a lot of work to do.
Charlie Calvin: So I can't be selfish either.
Scott Calvin: You gave me a wonderful gift, Charlie. Listen, a wonderful gift. You believed in me when nobody else did. You helped make me Santa. Selfish? Come on. You're the least selfish person I know.
(Charlie hugs his father)
Charlie Calvin: (Crying) I love you, Santa Claus.
We cut back to Sean, who is seen wiping tears from off of his face. He starts sniffling before he looked up at the camera, realizing that the camera caught him crying from the scene.
"FUCK!" Sean yelled out as he ran out of the room.
Sean: (Narrating) Laura and Neil are convinced that Scott is Santa Claus and Laura burns the court documents suspending Scott's visitation rights. And Bernard shows up and you remember the snow globe, well, all Charlie's got to do is to shake it and his dad will come back to see him anytime. But, it's time for Scott to leave since the cops are after him. And do they really need to bring in S.W.A.T.? This isn't Christmas Vacation, you morons.
(Laura, Neil and Charlie step out of the house)
Laura Miller: Excuse me, excuse me. Hi! Um, you know, you don't have to send anybody…
(The S.W.A.T. team enter the house to look for Scott)
Dr. Neil Miller: Hey! Hey!
Laura Miller: Oh, my gosh! That's my ex-husband and he's already up the chimney.
Cop: (Point to the sleigh) Chief, look up there.
(Scott flies off in his sleigh as everyone look up, including the hidden elves)
"Holy shit! It's David Huddleston! And there are elves in the neighborhood! What the hell?!" Sean exclaimed, imitating a neighbor.
Scott Calvin: Goodbye, Charlie.
Charlie Calvin: Bye, Dad!
Scott Calvin: Merry Christmas to all! And to all a good night!
(Scott flies off in his sleigh)
Dr. Neil Miller: I'm sorry, Charlie.
Charlie Calvin: That's okay, Neil. You were just denying your inner child.
(Laura laughs)
Dr. Neil Miller: You're gonna make a great psychiatrist one day, kid.
Charlie Calvin: No, I think I'm going to go into the family business.
"Ha! You admitted it! You openly admitted that you have plans to push your own dad off a roof and steal his clothes! Besides, that job is for your stepbrother Cal later on when The Santa Clauses comes out." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Laura and Neil finally get the gifts that they asked for and after Scott leaves, Charlie summons him back with the snow globe and he goes on ride with him to help deliver the presents.
Laura Miller: Just a quick one. And… Not over any oceans, Scott.
Charlie Calvin: (As him and Scott get in the sleigh) Bye, Mom!
Laura Miller: Scott.
Charlie Calvin: Bye!
Laura Miller: Scott! Santa!
(Scott and Charlie fly off in the sleigh)
"You know for a moment, I was waiting for the sleigh to jump into hyperspeed flying off like that." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) And that was The Santa Clause, it could be a little silly at times, but it can be very funny and heartwarming. It's one of those Christmas movies that are memorable and that we watch every year and very memorable. The makeup effects are great, the acting is charming and Tim Allen is hilarious. All these years later, it's still a great Christmas movie to watch with your family. The Santa Clause comes in at 4 cups of hot cocoa out of 5.
"And that's all for today's review. Well, only one more present left." Sean said as looked down on the couch to see a DVD wrapped in gold wrapping paper. The young critic takes a moment to look at the gift before he turns his attention to the camera. "Yeah. I bet you all want to take a peek. Alright, let's take a peek, shall we."
Sean grabs the fourth and final gift. He tears it off, only to reveal Kirk Cameron's name. Sean looks at it. His eyes widened in shock from the sight of his name and he screams in horror like Scott the Woz. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Mayhem Critic Tagline- What happens if I fall off the roof?
And that's all for the review of The Santa Clause for The Mayhem Critic. Man, and what a wild ride to review this one. Sorry if it took me a while to finish it. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Mayhem Critic Christmas Month goes out with a bang as Sean and Lucas tackle Kirk Cameron and the movie that they both dread reviewing. And that movie is Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas. You heard it here, folks. Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas is up next. Be afraid. Be very afraid. Oh, God. Let it be quick and painless. Don't forget to review this chapter, add this story to your favorites. Also, if you have a request for a TV show or a movie for me to review in a future Mayhem Critic episode, then feel free to let me know in the PMs or comments. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.